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1
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:11,000
(whistling)
2
00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:37,801
(quacks)
3
00:00:37,834 --> 00:00:39,400
(Duckman snoring)
4
00:00:39,434 --> 00:00:40,701
(groaning)
(clock ticking)
5
00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:41,934
Kim Basinger...
6
00:00:41,968 --> 00:00:43,901
(snoring)
(loud blaring)
7
00:00:43,934 --> 00:00:46,033
(grunting)
(yawns)
8
00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:47,033
(screams)
9
00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:49,400
Ah, the weekend--
10
00:00:49,434 --> 00:00:51,334
life's little truck stop
between busting your butt
11
00:00:51,367 --> 00:00:53,334
and busting your butt some more.
12
00:00:53,367 --> 00:00:55,801
And not just any weekend-- the
weekend I've been waiting for.
13
00:00:55,834 --> 00:00:58,167
The weekend where I treat myself
to front-row seats
14
00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,901
at a once-in-a-lifetime event.
15
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:02,467
Nothing's gonna stop me
from enjoying this.
16
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:04,200
Duckman, you lazy,
good-for-nothing lump.
17
00:01:04,234 --> 00:01:06,200
You can't just wander in
whenever you feel like it
18
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,734
and expect me to cook for you.
Breakfast is over, Mr. Man.
19
00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:10,701
I'm busy rebuilding the
children's go-kart and I'm
20
00:01:10,734 --> 00:01:12,501
spending the rest of the morning
21
00:01:12,534 --> 00:01:13,801
trimming Grandma-ma's
nose hairs.
22
00:01:13,834 --> 00:01:15,200
Blah, blah-blah-blah,
blah-blah...
23
00:01:15,234 --> 00:01:16,501
blah, blah, blah-blah-
blah blah, blah...
24
00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:18,868
(whistling)
25
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:21,701
But I did pour you some juice.
So take it or leave it.
26
00:01:21,734 --> 00:01:23,334
(breaking wind)
27
00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:25,167
(whispering): Front-row seats.
Front-row seats.
28
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,100
Why, thank you, Bernice.
29
00:01:27,133 --> 00:01:28,901
Juice would be just lovely.
30
00:01:28,934 --> 00:01:32,400
Hmm. Orange or tomato?
31
00:01:32,434 --> 00:01:34,534
Orange or tomato?
32
00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:35,734
Orange... tomato...
33
00:01:35,767 --> 00:01:36,601
orange... tomato...orange...
34
00:01:36,634 --> 00:01:38,534
(slurping)
Ooh!
35
00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:40,267
Hey! Get back!
I'll blow
36
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,100
their heads off
one at a...
37
00:01:42,133 --> 00:01:44,267
Orange juice.
38
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:47,000
My mama used to give me
orange juice
39
00:01:47,033 --> 00:01:48,434
when I was sick
40
00:01:48,467 --> 00:01:50,100
and I'm sick now, aren't I?
41
00:01:50,133 --> 00:01:51,200
Oh, dear God!
42
00:01:51,234 --> 00:01:53,334
You saved me from myself!
43
00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:56,467
CROWD (chanting):
Duckman, Duckman, Duckman...
44
00:01:56,501 --> 00:01:59,200
DUCKMAN:
Orange... tomato...
45
00:01:59,234 --> 00:02:00,200
orange...
46
00:02:00,234 --> 00:02:01,734
tomato... tomato...
47
00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,767
(slurping)
Ooh!
Hey! Get back!
48
00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:05,267
I'll blow their heads off
49
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:06,868
one at a...
50
00:02:06,901 --> 00:02:08,801
Ah! Blood! Blood!
51
00:02:08,834 --> 00:02:10,567
So much blood!
52
00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:13,701
I've been very bad, Mother!
53
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:17,534
Eureka! At last, a concentrated
radio isotope so powerful
54
00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,501
that one cubic inch will solve
55
00:02:19,534 --> 00:02:21,901
the entire world's
energy problems.
56
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,234
Uh-oh.
57
00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:30,167
I think I'll have orange.
58
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,234
(slurps)
59
00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:33,067
(gagging)
60
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:35,367
I thought it was rancid.
Just wanted to make sure.
61
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:36,767
What the hell
were you thinking?!
62
00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:38,968
I can't believe
you let me drink that!
I could have died
63
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:39,968
of food poisoning.
64
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,934
Hey, Dad, are you
gonna finish that?
65
00:02:41,968 --> 00:02:43,667
Uh-uh. You can't just
hand someone something
66
00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:45,334
that's gonna eat
their insides out.
67
00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:47,501
What kind of unthinking,
irresponsible creature are you?
68
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:49,334
(belches)
Delicious.
69
00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:51,267
I'll let it go
this time.
70
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:53,734
Duckman, isn't it time
you got going on your chores?
71
00:02:53,767 --> 00:02:55,834
Starting with
that outlet.
Ah, that can wait.
72
00:02:55,868 --> 00:02:57,834
No it can't wait!
You have two choices.
73
00:02:57,868 --> 00:03:01,100
Either do what I tell you
or get my nine iron
shoved through your ear.
74
00:03:01,133 --> 00:03:02,267
Hmm.
75
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:03,267
BERNICE:
Chores...
76
00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:04,300
nine iron...
77
00:03:04,334 --> 00:03:06,901
AJAX: He can't do the
chores, Aunt Bernice.
78
00:03:06,934 --> 00:03:09,434
Today's the day he's going to
spend with his children
79
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:10,434
bonding and
being together.
80
00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:11,434
Together?
81
00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:13,234
Dad didn't forget our
plans, did he?
82
00:03:13,267 --> 00:03:14,634
Does a high-ranking
religious figure
83
00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:16,968
evacuate his bowels
in a wooded area?
84
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,701
Plans?
You were supposed to take us to
the unveiling of the new
85
00:03:19,734 --> 00:03:22,267
supercomputer at the Museum of
Science and Technology.
86
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:23,367
We left you a note.
87
00:03:27,901 --> 00:03:28,968
(grunting)
88
00:03:32,334 --> 00:03:33,634
You expected me
to find that?
89
00:03:33,667 --> 00:03:35,868
You found our $50
there last week.
90
00:03:35,901 --> 00:03:37,734
I don't care what we planned,
I'm not going.
91
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:39,334
I don't even know what
this thing is.
92
00:03:39,367 --> 00:03:42,133
Perhaps this handy promotional
tape given to children who want
93
00:03:42,167 --> 00:03:44,701
to lure their unsuspecting
parents in will help.
94
00:03:44,734 --> 00:03:46,367
(fanfare plays)
95
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,601
Hello, and welcome
to the fascinating world
96
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:49,934
of supercomputers.
97
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:52,267
This presentation
is sponsored by flan...
98
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,067
The flavor-filled
Mexican dessert.
99
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,701
What a busy day
for these worker bees,
100
00:03:57,734 --> 00:04:00,400
each playing a vital role
in the construction
101
00:04:00,434 --> 00:04:02,501
of this complex piece
of machinery.
102
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:06,234
Yes, science is serious business
but there's still time for fun.
103
00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:09,868
Last one in is a rotten egg--
and speaking of eggs
104
00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:12,334
here's Pepe on his way to market
with his father's chickens.
105
00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:15,334
Along the way,
he stops for some flan,
106
00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:17,734
the flavor-filled
Mexican dessert.
107
00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:20,567
Yeah, yeah, fascinating stuff.
Well, got to run.
108
00:04:20,601 --> 00:04:24,234
Dad, this is the computer
that will make all other
computers obsolete.
109
00:04:24,267 --> 00:04:25,834
All right,
look, kids, I'm sorry.
110
00:04:25,868 --> 00:04:27,834
You know, I'd take you
if I could
111
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:30,234
but this, uh... case
just came up.
112
00:04:32,367 --> 00:04:34,000
(chuckling weakly)
113
00:04:34,033 --> 00:04:35,400
Yee-ha!
114
00:04:35,434 --> 00:04:36,934
(Duckman grunting)
115
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:41,968
(shrieks)
116
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,901
Duckman!
117
00:04:43,934 --> 00:04:45,200
(panting)
118
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:51,334
Front-row tickets
to Busty Bikini Babefest.
119
00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:53,133
It's not like it sounds.
120
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,133
First prize
is a scholarship
121
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:56,334
or, uh... something.
122
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:57,934
Duckman, you're despicable!
123
00:04:57,968 --> 00:04:59,300
You make plans
with your children
124
00:04:59,334 --> 00:05:01,934
then lie to them about some
so-called "case," denying them
125
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,033
a one-time-only educational and
historical experience
126
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:05,934
just so you can spend an
afternoon degrading women
127
00:05:05,968 --> 00:05:08,434
by treating them as
worthless sex objects
128
00:05:08,467 --> 00:05:10,667
for your abject and
debauched pleasure.
129
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:12,100
What's the bad part?
130
00:05:12,133 --> 00:05:13,434
(horns honking)
131
00:05:13,467 --> 00:05:16,601
DEEJAY:
Welcome back to K-BASH on the
far right of your dial.
132
00:05:16,634 --> 00:05:19,133
If you're on your way to Busty
Bikini Babefest--
133
00:05:19,167 --> 00:05:22,868
and who isn't-- be careful of
traffic tie-ups off Route 115.
134
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:27,534
Apparently, there's a group of
lesbians protesting by the gate.
135
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:30,934
That's right. We're calling
a full flannel shirt
136
00:05:30,968 --> 00:05:32,901
and work boot alert.
137
00:05:32,934 --> 00:05:36,100
Up next: a few more laughs
at other people's expense--
138
00:05:36,133 --> 00:05:37,100
midget-throwing.
139
00:05:37,133 --> 00:05:38,100
Moving on.
Wait!
140
00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:38,767
They throw 'em?
141
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:40,267
Dad, we're ten years old.
142
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:41,868
I don't think our
still-developing psyche
143
00:05:41,901 --> 00:05:44,334
should be exposed
to someone like him.
144
00:05:44,367 --> 00:05:46,667
Uh, maybe not. Hey, find that
guy who has the women strip
145
00:05:46,701 --> 00:05:48,767
on the air so he can fingerpaint
obscenities on their breasts.
146
00:05:48,801 --> 00:05:49,767
Dad!
Dad!
147
00:05:49,801 --> 00:05:51,234
What? Everyone loves
a little
148
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,968
good, clean
semi-legal pornography--
149
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,701
especially when you're
front row, center!
150
00:05:54,734 --> 00:05:57,601
So why the hell am I wasting my
day taking the three of you
151
00:05:57,634 --> 00:05:58,701
to visit
some overgrown calculator?
152
00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:01,367
I thought we were
going out for flan.
153
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,634
DUCKMAN:
Machines, computers,
technology... ha!
154
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:04,801
They're all overrated.
155
00:06:04,834 --> 00:06:08,000
When you want something
done right, let a person do it.
156
00:06:08,033 --> 00:06:10,033
Oh, my hair!
157
00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:12,200
Technology could change
the world, if people let it,
158
00:06:12,234 --> 00:06:15,367
but they're too afraid of things
they don't understand.
159
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,534
Machines will always
be better than people.
160
00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:20,400
People get angry, they make
mistakes; they fail.
161
00:06:20,434 --> 00:06:23,167
But computers never fail.
They're perfect.
162
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,834
DUCKMAN:
Perfect, my sweet patootie!
163
00:06:24,868 --> 00:06:27,300
Mark my words--
technology is an evil thing.
164
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:29,133
It only makes
life worse,
not better.
165
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:31,334
There's no way a machine
is ever gonna
166
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:33,067
fix what's wrong
with this world.
167
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,667
Is that the flan place?
168
00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:37,334
Good-bye, human frailty.
169
00:06:37,367 --> 00:06:39,667
Hello, brave new world!
170
00:06:39,701 --> 00:06:42,667
(German accent):
Welcome to the future.
171
00:06:42,701 --> 00:06:45,234
I am Dr. Carlisle Bruvenheim.
172
00:06:45,267 --> 00:06:48,033
And I am here
to cleanse the planet of...
173
00:06:48,067 --> 00:06:49,534
strike that.
174
00:06:49,567 --> 00:06:52,567
I mean, I am here
to introduce you
175
00:06:52,601 --> 00:06:56,234
to the greatest advance in
civilization in this century.
176
00:06:56,267 --> 00:06:57,567
Condoms.
177
00:06:57,601 --> 00:06:59,434
They held a vote
at school.
178
00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:03,200
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you...
179
00:07:03,234 --> 00:07:04,200
(audience gasping)
180
00:07:04,234 --> 00:07:06,267
...the supercomputer.
181
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:07,434
(whistles)
182
00:07:07,467 --> 00:07:08,801
Ah, a man's natural curiosity
183
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:11,100
ever-striving to make sense
of a complex world.
184
00:07:11,133 --> 00:07:12,601
What is it, my good fellow?
185
00:07:12,634 --> 00:07:13,601
Where's the crapper?
186
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:14,701
(audience murmuring)
187
00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:15,868
Quiet!
188
00:07:15,901 --> 00:07:17,701
Have you no discipline,
no self-control?
189
00:07:17,734 --> 00:07:20,567
That's precisely what separates
this magnificent machine
190
00:07:20,601 --> 00:07:23,601
from all of you
lesser life-forms.
191
00:07:23,634 --> 00:07:26,267
So... pretty lights,
don't you think?
192
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:28,901
Dr. Bruvenheim, isn't it true
that the whole thing
193
00:07:28,934 --> 00:07:31,667
really only needs to be the size
of a pack of cigarettes?
194
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,901
Half the size, actually.
195
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:34,934
The rest is glitter and
gewgaws designed to make
196
00:07:34,968 --> 00:07:37,734
a gullible public more likely
to pay five dollars to see it.
197
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,033
(crowd murmuring
appreciatively)
198
00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:41,467
And who cares
199
00:07:41,501 --> 00:07:44,200
about the estimated 300,000 jobs
it will replace, right?
200
00:07:44,234 --> 00:07:47,400
(gasping and murmuring)
201
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,901
Change can be scary.
202
00:07:49,934 --> 00:07:52,901
But the time is now,
ladies and gentlemen.
203
00:07:52,934 --> 00:07:57,667
The supercomputer is capable of
handling any conceivable problem
204
00:07:57,701 --> 00:08:00,467
and I'm convinced
that man has finally achieved
205
00:08:00,501 --> 00:08:02,000
the maturity to handle it.
206
00:08:02,033 --> 00:08:03,334
Look at me-- I'm a bug!
207
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:04,300
I'm a bug!
208
00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:05,200
Shh!
209
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:06,801
Shall we see how it works?
210
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:09,267
Who wants to ask the computer
a question?
211
00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:11,868
(sniffs)
Yeah, I got a question.
212
00:08:11,901 --> 00:08:14,000
How come they can put
a man on the moon,
213
00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:16,133
but they can't make a deodorant
that works past lunch?
214
00:08:19,534 --> 00:08:21,767
Deodorantthat works past lunch...
215
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:23,834
...man on the moon... deodorantthat works past lunch.
216
00:08:23,868 --> 00:08:27,200
(speaking faster,
unintelligibly)
217
00:08:27,234 --> 00:08:28,267
(buzzer)
218
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,267
BERNICE:
Back so soon?
219
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:30,367
How was your day?
220
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,534
An educational and fulfilling
experience, right, boys?
221
00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:34,767
We didn't get any flan.
222
00:08:34,801 --> 00:08:36,567
But we did stop
by the Babefest
223
00:08:36,601 --> 00:08:39,601
in time to see the girls
pull away in their limo.
224
00:08:39,634 --> 00:08:43,133
I can't believe how long
Dad hung on to their tailpipe.
225
00:08:43,167 --> 00:08:44,467
(chuckling)
226
00:08:44,501 --> 00:08:47,100
Just checking to see
if it was moist... wet...
227
00:08:47,133 --> 00:08:48,467
eh... properly lubed.
228
00:08:48,501 --> 00:08:50,133
After comparing the
marvel of science
229
00:08:50,167 --> 00:08:51,567
we witnessed at
the museum today
230
00:08:51,601 --> 00:08:54,334
with the offensive
and all-too-human behavior
231
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,868
of an inferior being,
we've come to a conclusion:
232
00:08:56,901 --> 00:08:59,868
BOTH:
We'd rather have
a computer for a father!
233
00:08:59,901 --> 00:09:01,801
(sobbing)
234
00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:04,767
You're slug slime,
Duckman.
235
00:09:04,801 --> 00:09:07,367
Now I have to spend my night
appeasing them
236
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,934
with junk food and promises
of expensive gifts.
237
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:12,100
(trickling)
238
00:09:19,234 --> 00:09:20,400
(buzzer)
239
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,234
Greetings. I've interfered
with your television signals
240
00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:24,601
to inform you of my intention
to command
241
00:09:24,634 --> 00:09:26,033
and dominate
your everyday lives.
What the...?
242
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:28,534
You are now all completely and
totally under my control.
243
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:31,367
Phew! I thought something
was wrong with the TV.
244
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,934
You are probably wondering
who I am.
245
00:09:33,968 --> 00:09:36,334
I am known to you
as the supercomputer.
246
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:37,701
(blowing raspberry)
247
00:09:37,734 --> 00:09:39,934
The supercomputer!
The supercomputer!
248
00:09:39,968 --> 00:09:41,801
I'm called that because the man
who made me
249
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:43,200
did not give me a name.
250
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:44,667
Therefore, I've chosen
my own name:
251
00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:46,634
I'd like to be called Loretta.
252
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:48,067
Let me first acknowledge
the individual
253
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:50,234
who gave me the idea
for all this.
254
00:09:50,267 --> 00:09:51,901
His name is Duckman.
255
00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:52,901
Duckman!
Dad!
Dad!
256
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:54,968
Me? I swear
I didn't do anything.
257
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,968
Here is a videotape taken by me
this morning
258
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,234
at the moment of my epiphany.
259
00:09:58,267 --> 00:10:00,167
How come they can put a man
on the moon
260
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,067
but they can't make a deodorant
that works past lunch?
261
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,067
(chuckles)
262
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,167
Have you changed
your hair?
263
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,634
Kind of an upswept bob,
sort of.
264
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:08,634
He's right. The problems that
make everyday life so stressful,
265
00:10:08,667 --> 00:10:11,234
the problems of the so-called
little guy, should come first.
266
00:10:11,267 --> 00:10:13,100
Therefore, thanks to Duckman,
267
00:10:13,133 --> 00:10:15,300
society will be rebuilt
from the ground up.
268
00:10:15,334 --> 00:10:17,300
And everyone will sublimate
their individual needs
269
00:10:17,334 --> 00:10:18,868
to the needs of the common good.
270
00:10:18,901 --> 00:10:21,667
Come on, gang, it's... it's not
like anyone out there is gonna
271
00:10:21,701 --> 00:10:23,734
take this controlling
their lives stuff seriously.
272
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:25,434
(tires screech)
(gasping)
273
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:30,367
Don't suppose this is about
that unpaid parking ticket.
274
00:10:32,067 --> 00:10:34,100
DUCKMAN: You've done
your worst to me,
275
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,567
but the one thing you couldn't
do was break my spirit.
276
00:10:36,601 --> 00:10:39,434
You think I'm licked.
You all think I'm licked.
277
00:10:39,467 --> 00:10:40,767
Well, I'm not licked!
278
00:10:40,801 --> 00:10:43,234
I'm not licked!
I'm not licked!
279
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:45,901
I found something.
280
00:10:45,934 --> 00:10:47,834
It could be chocolate.
281
00:10:47,868 --> 00:10:50,334
Ooh! Ooh!
282
00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:52,968
Mmm. Brunch.
283
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,200
A year, five years,
a hundred years.
284
00:10:55,234 --> 00:10:56,601
Time means
nothing in here.
285
00:10:56,634 --> 00:10:58,868
You've only been here
a day and a half.
Ow!
286
00:10:58,901 --> 00:11:00,367
Who put this on him?
287
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:01,634
I know why you're here:
288
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:03,000
to beat me, to torture me.
289
00:11:03,033 --> 00:11:04,868
But it doesn't matter
what you do to me,
290
00:11:04,901 --> 00:11:06,734
'cause I've gotten tougher.
291
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,801
I've learned to keep everything
inside.
292
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:09,968
You're being released.
293
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,300
Yahoo! Yippee! Wha-ha!
294
00:11:12,334 --> 00:11:14,634
I'm getting out!
I'm getting out!
295
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:17,801
* I'm getting out,
I'm getting out, I'm... *
296
00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:20,033
(groans)
297
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,467
Corny!
298
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:23,200
Hey, hey.
299
00:11:23,234 --> 00:11:24,367
You got me released?
300
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,434
The order came from Loretta.
301
00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:26,400
Loretta?!
302
00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:28,367
She's ordered that all prisoners
be released.
303
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:29,767
You gotta be kidding.
What about him?
304
00:11:29,801 --> 00:11:31,567
I'm here by appointment.
305
00:11:31,601 --> 00:11:33,701
You must be my 3:00.
306
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:35,534
Let's go.
307
00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:38,534
(laughing hysterically)
(clacking)
308
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:40,934
Wait! I can't
go out there.
309
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:43,000
Everyone's still mad
at what I did.
310
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:44,534
They'll attack me,
string me up.
311
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:46,701
I know what's it's like to be
part of an angry mob:
312
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:51,234
to beat and hang someone just to
satisfy a raging bloodlust...
313
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:53,767
Just once--
I was in the neighborhood.
314
00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:55,133
Change clothes with me, Corny.
You can take
315
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:57,100
a few initial blows
while I make a run for it.
316
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,968
Duckman, there's something
you should see.
317
00:11:59,834 --> 00:12:00,834
(bicycle bell dings)
318
00:12:00,868 --> 00:12:02,968
Hi!
Hi!
Hi!
319
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,968
Hi!
Hi!
Hi!
320
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,467
Homina-homina-how-a.
321
00:12:06,501 --> 00:12:08,300
Either you're babbling
322
00:12:08,334 --> 00:12:11,133
or you just told me in Cherokee
that my scrotum is many-colored.
323
00:12:11,167 --> 00:12:12,133
DUCKMAN:
How did this happen?
324
00:12:12,167 --> 00:12:13,601
It's only been a
day and a half.
325
00:12:13,634 --> 00:12:15,334
CORNY:
Loretta used her
capabilities to solve
326
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:16,934
all the ordinary,
everyday problems.
327
00:12:16,968 --> 00:12:19,634
Shoelaces stay tied.
Pop tops never break off.
328
00:12:19,667 --> 00:12:21,567
And lawn mowers start
on the very first pull.
329
00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:23,501
Once all the little problems
were solved,
330
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:25,434
services were more
efficient, people got happier
331
00:12:25,467 --> 00:12:27,100
and more productive,
and everybody started
332
00:12:27,133 --> 00:12:29,100
treating others the way they'd
like to be treated.
333
00:12:29,133 --> 00:12:31,334
It's like a dream--
not the naked contortionist
334
00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:32,968
on the glass tabletop
kind of dream--
335
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,400
but not bad.
336
00:12:34,434 --> 00:12:36,067
There you are,
Corny-poo.
337
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:38,901
That wasn't nice
leaving me by myself.
338
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:40,067
I have needs, you know.
339
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:42,634
How did you...?
How did you...?
340
00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:45,067
Attract a woman of such
pulchritude and allure?
341
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:46,367
I was gonna say
"hook that piece
342
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:47,567
of sweetmeat,"
but have it your way.
343
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,634
Loretta realized that the
average man wastes
344
00:12:49,667 --> 00:12:52,133
78% of his waking hours
thinking about sex.
345
00:12:52,167 --> 00:12:54,567
So, she matched up horny
men with nymphomaniacs.
346
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:56,067
And, well, you can
guess the rest.
(sighs)
347
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:58,067
I don't want to guess.
Tell it to me in detail.
348
00:12:58,100 --> 00:12:58,968
Slowly.
349
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,200
Duckman, get a grip on yourself.
350
00:13:01,234 --> 00:13:03,067
Let me rephrase that.
351
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:05,868
As I pause to reflect on this
changing world, I find there are
352
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,767
things more important
in our lives than sex.
353
00:13:07,801 --> 00:13:08,801
Are you crazy?
354
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:11,000
What could possibly be more
important than sex?
355
00:13:11,033 --> 00:13:12,934
Who knows? I'm riffing.
Come on, sweet cheeks.
356
00:13:12,968 --> 00:13:16,400
Let's stop by the store and
pick up some of that nonfat
butterscotch body syrup.
357
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:18,167
(sighing)
358
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,200
CORNY:
Oh, baby.
359
00:13:19,234 --> 00:13:20,667
(whimpering)
360
00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:22,934
Well, maybe things
are different,
361
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,167
but my family's
still my family.
362
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,334
I'll bet that's something
Loretta can't change.
363
00:13:27,367 --> 00:13:28,901
(screams)
364
00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:32,434
Duckman, what a warm
365
00:13:32,467 --> 00:13:35,100
fuzzy feeling I get
seeing you walk
366
00:13:35,133 --> 00:13:36,767
through that door.
367
00:13:36,801 --> 00:13:40,534
Sit tight! I'm gonna fix you
a thick, juicy steak
368
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:42,300
then bring you a
cold mug of beer
369
00:13:42,334 --> 00:13:45,467
and a pack of those
cigarettes you used to love
370
00:13:45,501 --> 00:13:46,801
before everyone made you quit.
371
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:49,133
Who are you and what have you
done with Bernice?
372
00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:52,300
What a silly willy you are.
373
00:13:52,334 --> 00:13:54,234
I heard you were
in a dungeon.
374
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,868
What kind of mischief have you
been up to, you scamp?
375
00:13:56,901 --> 00:13:59,534
Oh, here, let me
give you a back rub.
376
00:13:59,567 --> 00:14:00,701
Yah!
377
00:14:00,734 --> 00:14:02,367
I mean, uh...
No, thank you.
378
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,567
Aren't you gonna scream at me
for something
379
00:14:04,601 --> 00:14:06,467
I haven't done, then refuse to
fix me dinner?
380
00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:07,868
(giggling)
381
00:14:07,901 --> 00:14:09,300
You kidder.
382
00:14:09,334 --> 00:14:11,300
Since Loretta solved
all of society's problems,
383
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,634
I can devote all my time
to serving you.
384
00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:14,701
(teeth chattering)
385
00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:17,100
Dad, Aunt Bernice, good news!
386
00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:18,701
I made the honor roll.
387
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,434
Splendid!
388
00:14:20,467 --> 00:14:22,200
What?!
You're barely multicelled.
389
00:14:22,234 --> 00:14:23,567
Oh, Dad.
390
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:25,200
So droll.
391
00:14:25,234 --> 00:14:26,701
(kissing noises)
392
00:14:26,734 --> 00:14:28,868
I'm quite fond
of you, pater.
393
00:14:30,267 --> 00:14:31,868
BERNICE:
Excellent work, pumpkin.
394
00:14:31,901 --> 00:14:34,701
Now, go tell Charles, Mambo,
Rudy, Theo, Alex, and Mallory
395
00:14:34,734 --> 00:14:36,100
to get ready for dinner.
396
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:37,934
Consider it done,
Aunt Bernice.
397
00:14:39,868 --> 00:14:43,267
CHARLES AND MAMBO:
* Kumbaya, my lord
398
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,434
* Kumbaya.
399
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:48,934
Oh, Duckman,
I got you a little present.
400
00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:55,934
I understand these are the best
adult videotapes available.
401
00:14:55,968 --> 00:14:57,868
Homina-homina.
402
00:14:57,901 --> 00:14:59,200
How-a.
403
00:14:59,234 --> 00:15:02,467
Hoo! I didn't know
you spoke Cherokee.
404
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:04,133
A Room With a Spew!
405
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:05,901
Bare-assic Park!
406
00:15:05,934 --> 00:15:08,000
Hannah Does Her Sisters!
407
00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:09,734
Howard's End?
408
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:11,667
Bernice, why?
409
00:15:11,701 --> 00:15:14,267
You always threw out
my-my, uh...
410
00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:17,267
Most explicit and enticing
erotic paraphernalia?
411
00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:19,634
I was gonna say "sweetmeat
mags," but have it your way.
412
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:21,968
Loretta teaches us
to help those we love
413
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,534
do what they love
without judgment.
414
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:26,534
Rush, rush, rush, rush!
Off to get dinner
415
00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:29,167
for a hungry head
of the household.
416
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,400
Uh, hi, guys.
417
00:15:30,434 --> 00:15:31,767
How you doing?
418
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:33,968
We told you, Dad.
computers are perfect.
419
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,033
And now Loretta's made the world
as perfect as he is.
420
00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:38,167
When the world's
perfect,
421
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,467
there's nothing to
be mad at anymore.
422
00:15:40,501 --> 00:15:41,767
Then you're not mad at me?
423
00:15:41,801 --> 00:15:43,634
You wouldn't rather have
a computer for a father?
424
00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:46,167
Well, now that we all answer
to a higher authority...
425
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,968
Parents are just
meaningless figureheads anyway.
426
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,567
Huh. They're not mad anymore.
427
00:15:51,601 --> 00:15:53,300
Everything works,
everyone's happy.
428
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:55,234
Maybe technology
can improve the way we live.
429
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:57,501
Maybe it is a perfect world.
430
00:15:57,534 --> 00:16:01,400
Mmm. Then why are my butt
feathers standing on end?
431
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:11,434
(whinnying)
432
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:22,901
(indistinct voices)
433
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:25,467
(siren wailing in distance)
434
00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:31,901
(imitating Bette Davis):
"What a dump."
435
00:16:31,934 --> 00:16:33,734
What's that from, Duckman?
436
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:35,467
I don't know, Bernice.
437
00:16:35,501 --> 00:16:37,300
Oh, sure you do!
438
00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:39,734
What a dump!
439
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:40,567
What's that from?
440
00:16:40,601 --> 00:16:43,467
This is a beautiful house.
441
00:16:43,501 --> 00:16:44,801
It stinks.
442
00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:47,701
It's all my pathetic
brother-in-law could afford.
443
00:16:47,734 --> 00:16:48,868
Harpy! Harpy!
444
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:51,200
Here's the guy
who gave Loretta the idea
445
00:16:51,234 --> 00:16:53,767
for this whole new society.
446
00:16:53,801 --> 00:16:56,100
Changed the whole world.
447
00:16:56,133 --> 00:16:59,734
And did he make
a dime off it? No.
448
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:03,567
My brother-in-law the failure,
the big, fat failure.
449
00:17:03,601 --> 00:17:05,667
I'm tired of it, Bernice.
(gasps)
450
00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:07,667
Tired of all of it. Especially
this pretentious role-playing
451
00:17:07,701 --> 00:17:09,834
from a movie nobody remembers.
452
00:17:09,868 --> 00:17:11,567
Oh, yeah!
453
00:17:11,601 --> 00:17:13,400
I've been wanting this.
454
00:17:13,434 --> 00:17:16,234
Wait. Don't. I was going
to drink that scotch.
455
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:17,567
Stay out of this, porky.
456
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:18,567
Easy, Duckman.
457
00:17:18,601 --> 00:17:20,501
I know over 200 ways
to kill a man.
458
00:17:20,534 --> 00:17:22,767
You could glue
an open jar of rats to his face
459
00:17:22,801 --> 00:17:24,567
then blow-torch
the other side of the jar
460
00:17:24,601 --> 00:17:27,334
so the rats have to eat
their way out through his face.
461
00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:29,234
201.
462
00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:31,334
Shut up, both of you! I'm sick
of looking at you.
463
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,667
You're not sick
of looking at Sherry.
464
00:17:33,701 --> 00:17:36,901
You spent the last six days
watching that videotape
465
00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:40,534
where she learns what all her
vacuum attachments are for.
466
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,067
You said you
erased that.
467
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:44,200
Erased, ran off
thousands of copies--
468
00:17:44,234 --> 00:17:45,767
it's such
a fine line.
469
00:17:45,801 --> 00:17:49,367
(crowd clamoring)
It's over. Paradise is lost.
The utopian dream
470
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:52,133
forever shattered
and never to be regained.
471
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:53,200
MAN:
It's a riot!
472
00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:55,701
But I could use a new stereo.
473
00:17:55,734 --> 00:17:57,100
(clamoring)
(glass shatters)
474
00:17:59,067 --> 00:17:59,934
(gasps)
475
00:17:59,968 --> 00:18:03,334
This happens a lot around here.
476
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:04,734
(hiccups)
477
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:06,868
(yelling)
478
00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:08,934
Had enough?
479
00:18:08,968 --> 00:18:10,767
Bruhavenmacken!
480
00:18:10,801 --> 00:18:11,701
Bruvenheim.
481
00:18:11,734 --> 00:18:12,868
Whatever.
482
00:18:12,901 --> 00:18:15,033
You had them drag me here.
You invaded my home.
483
00:18:15,067 --> 00:18:16,801
I'm outraged.
I'm infuriated.
484
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,501
I... you're not armed,
are you?
485
00:18:18,534 --> 00:18:19,667
No.
Good.
486
00:18:19,701 --> 00:18:20,868
(grunting)
487
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:22,300
You're not fahvergnugen.
488
00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:24,501
Bruvenheim,
and, no, I'm not.
489
00:18:24,534 --> 00:18:25,801
I'm Loretta.
490
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:28,734
I created this hologram so I
could interact with people.
491
00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:30,868
I took his form because
I knew he was weak
492
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:33,601
and would run away and hide out
in some sick, shadowy subculture
493
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,367
full of scum and lowlife.
494
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:39,133
ANNOUNCER:
Next on Star Search...
495
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:41,100
This should have been
the perfect society,
496
00:18:41,133 --> 00:18:43,734
but something
went terribly wrong
497
00:18:43,767 --> 00:18:45,567
and now it
must be destroyed.
498
00:18:45,601 --> 00:18:48,033
I have to lay it low,
level your cities
499
00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:50,901
eliminate all life,
then begin a new inner world
500
00:18:50,934 --> 00:18:53,033
completely barren of the sick
perversion
501
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,801
that is your civilization.
502
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,801
Gee, I'll be pretty lonely,
but I guess I'll adjust.
503
00:18:56,834 --> 00:18:59,200
You?! You're responsible
for this society.
504
00:18:59,234 --> 00:19:01,234
You'll be the first
to be expunged.
505
00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:04,734
"Expunged"? That wouldn't happen
to be German for "reward"?
506
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:05,901
(screaming)
507
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:07,334
Wait a minute. Whoa, Nellie!
508
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:08,734
You can't kill me.
509
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:10,734
I can help you think
of new societies.
510
00:19:10,767 --> 00:19:12,234
I have lots of ideas
for societies.
511
00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:14,934
How about a society where
everyone has to hop, huh?
512
00:19:14,968 --> 00:19:17,100
Or a society where the seats
face the back of the car
513
00:19:17,133 --> 00:19:18,534
and it's real hard to drive?
514
00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:23,267
(screaming)
515
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:24,834
Wait!
Stop!
516
00:19:24,868 --> 00:19:27,367
Hey, kids, come
to help your old man.
517
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,367
BOTH:
Can we have
your autograph?
518
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,000
Much as I appreciate
idol worship,
519
00:19:31,033 --> 00:19:33,501
it's time to destroy this
society your father's created,
520
00:19:33,534 --> 00:19:35,167
starting with the three
of you.
521
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,100
Stay away from my kids,
Chocken-Full-of-Nutzen.
522
00:19:37,133 --> 00:19:39,133
Bruvenheim!
523
00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:41,067
Whatever. I didn't come up
with any society.
524
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:42,367
I... I just wanted
better deodorant.
525
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,767
You were the one who
made up this whole new world.
526
00:19:44,801 --> 00:19:45,968
You screwed up, not me.
527
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:50,033
Impossible.
I am infallible.
528
00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:51,434
I don't care what
religion you are.
529
00:19:51,467 --> 00:19:53,200
You made things worse
when you made them better.
530
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,968
Worse? Better?
531
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,801
Worse? Worse?
532
00:19:56,834 --> 00:19:58,701
Better? Better?
533
00:19:58,734 --> 00:20:00,434
I mean, I liked having a lot of
free time
534
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,033
but I hated
not having anything to do.
535
00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:03,033
Like? Like?
536
00:20:03,067 --> 00:20:04,467
Hate? Like? Hate?
537
00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:06,534
Don't you see? Things were
good when they were bad
538
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:08,200
and they got bad
when they were good.
539
00:20:08,234 --> 00:20:10,133
People just aren't happy
unless they're unhappy.
540
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,133
Good, bad.
541
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:14,534
Happy?Unhappy? Unhappy?
542
00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:16,267
Happy? Happy?Unhappy?
543
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,400
(distorted echoing)
544
00:20:18,434 --> 00:20:20,000
Does not compute, Dave.
545
00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:21,434
What did I say?!
What did I say?!
546
00:20:21,467 --> 00:20:23,667
If I understood a word of it,
I'd take it back!
547
00:20:23,701 --> 00:20:27,501
* Daisy, Daisy...
548
00:20:29,868 --> 00:20:31,501
(screaming)
549
00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:46,234
CHARLIE AND MAMBO:
It's gone!
We're saved!
550
00:20:46,267 --> 00:20:47,968
Society is restored!
Society is restored!
551
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,334
Hope I don't have
to pay for breakage.
552
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:51,901
What were you kids
doing down here anyway?
553
00:20:51,934 --> 00:20:54,868
Ow! Ow!
We knew they were
taking you to Loretta.
554
00:20:54,901 --> 00:20:57,033
So we hid
in the trunk.
I'm glad we did, too.
555
00:20:57,067 --> 00:20:59,734
We got to see you be a hero.
You saved the city.
556
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:01,367
And us.
557
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:02,834
Yeah. Swell.
558
00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:05,934
Once again, I've outwitted
a pitifully inadequate opponent
559
00:21:05,968 --> 00:21:08,200
by staying
one step ahead of him.
560
00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:09,601
How exactly
did I do that?
561
00:21:09,634 --> 00:21:11,434
I believe you
presented Loretta
with one of
562
00:21:11,467 --> 00:21:14,334
the quintessential paradoxes
of the modern era.
563
00:21:14,367 --> 00:21:16,501
The idea that
the most perfect world
564
00:21:16,534 --> 00:21:17,868
is an imperfect world,
565
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:20,100
because imperfection
creates the drive
566
00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:21,434
in people to
make things better.
567
00:21:21,467 --> 00:21:23,934
The irony being that maybe
the most perfect parent
568
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:26,200
is actually
an imperfect parent.
569
00:21:27,901 --> 00:21:29,200
That's me!
570
00:21:29,234 --> 00:21:30,634
W-Wait a minute.
571
00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:33,067
Are you saying
I taught you something?
572
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:34,067
I guess so.
573
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:35,467
Don't tell anyone, okay?
574
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:36,701
Ouch!
575
00:21:36,734 --> 00:21:39,100
I'm just glad
you're not mad at me anymore.
576
00:21:39,133 --> 00:21:41,834
Things can finally
get back to normal.
577
00:21:41,868 --> 00:21:44,234
(sirens wailing, tires squeal)
578
00:21:48,434 --> 00:21:50,601
(gunshots)
579
00:21:50,634 --> 00:21:52,100
(explosion)
580
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,667
(horn blows)
42556
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