All language subtitles for Undateable s02e02 Candaces

Wow. You drank that really fast.

You should see me have sex.

You are not great at bragging.

That's just Bursk being Bursk.

I've only been here for a couple of weeks,

but I feel like I'm really
getting to know you guys.

Like, Justin, you are an incredible boss

and a great dancer.

[Chuckling] Oh, please.

And, Danny, I know whenever
somebody compliments Justin,

you have to prove you're better than him.

That's actually not true.
Do you guys want a...

Anybody want a pretzel? Ohhh!

And, Shelly, you're magic,

because you make me disappear a lot.

Oh, where did she go?! [Squeals]

Though I don't love

being tied to the
disappearance of a white girl.

And my favorite bartender, Brick.

[Laughs] I'm the only bartender,

and it's Brett.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just gonna do a
record-scratch thing, like...

Brick-a-brick- a-bri-i-ck-Brett.

I'm really bad with names.

I've been dating my
boyfriend for over a year,

and I still don't know his friends' names.

That's why he gave me the nickname dumb-dumb.

He sounds great.

I know how hard it is to be the new kid.

I had to go to a new school in sixth grade.

I didn't have many friends.

It was that moment that they all realized

that Justin had the worst childhood ever.

What are you doing?

I just bought "the wonder years" DVD box set,

so I'm doing my own
voice-over in my actual life.

That's insane, Danny. Nobody wants that.

But they all wanted it.

It's just that nobody had
the courage to say it.

Just like no one was telling Justin

that he stands like a dancer on break.

Well, there's a bit of a flaw there, Danny.

Dancers don't take breaks.
Five, six, seven, and...

Burski: And we're back.

Justin: Just like Detroit.

Danny: Okay, you've ruined comebacks.

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'Sup, bae?

I dig your dump truck.

I'm talking about your butt.

You're a pig.

And second of all, thanks.
I've had a rough day.

I know another way you could thank me.

Come over to my place and hop on the pony.

If you're talking about a real pony, I'll go.

If you're talking about
your penis, I will not.

Hey.

Guys, this is my boyfriend, Trent.

He's a deejay.

Oh, no way. I'm a deejay, too.

No, you're not.

Uh, I have a computer and headphones,

and I know how to jump up and down

and press play on iTunes, so...

Yeah, I'm a deejay.

Trent, these are my... Okay, we're going.

See ya!

Wow. He's a total tool,
and that's coming from me,

so you know he's got to be pretty bad.

Look, we... we have to tell Candace

that she can do better than Trent.

I actually have an even better idea.

We should never tell her
ever, because if we do,

she's gonna want to kill us.

If I were her, I'd want to know.

Oh, really, Leslie?

Because you just loved
it when I told you that

your boyfriend in high
school was cheating on you.

Relax. I barely hit you.

With your car.

Danny, Candace hasn't had
the greatest childhood.

She grew up poor, not many
friends, dad never around.

'Cause, you see, when I hire people,

I become, well, sort of a father figure.

Are you done?

Not yet, Bucko.

I already know what kind
of father I'm gonna be.

A listener... check. A teacher... check.

[Chuckles]

A hardass who doesn't bend
the rules... no check.

Then, one day, my son J.J.
will come in... Justin Jr...

And he'll walk up to me and say,

"Hey, dad, um, do you mind if I quit football

to join the school production of 'grease'?"

"You're grounded if you don't."

That's why, when I'm on my death bed,

my son will lean down and say to me,

"daddy, I love you."

"But we're pulling the plug."

My son would never pull the plug on me.

I work at a retirement home.

Trust me... he will.

Bye, Jake.

Pkkw!

So, how was your date?

Jake thinks I'm a horrible kisser.

I've gotten that before.

I've also heard "too wet," "too much tongue,"

"penis out"... Usual stuff.

My first foray into dating,

and... and he's gonna tell
the entire gay community

that I can't kiss.

Leslie: Jake's my friend.

Calm down. He's not gonna say anything.

[Cellphone chimes]

That's him, isn't it,

telling you how bad I was, isn't it?

It is him, but it's just
an emoji of a kissy face.

Okay.

Followed by
I'mstraightnow.

Guys, guys, it's time to
tell Candace about Trent.

All right, shell, you're our hug guy.

I need you to have one ready.

I always keep one in the chamber.

All right, let's do this. Come on.

[Sighs]

Candace.

I think I might know what this is about.

I am very sorry that I slapped that customer.

I didn't know sex on a beach was a drink.

Candace, listen, Trent hit on Leslie.

He's not a good guy.

Wow.

You're a jerk.

I mean, who asked you guys, anyways?

The answer was no one.

No one had asked.

Yeah, Trent is a flirt,

but he never does anything about it.

Danny was wise to stay out
of Candace's personal affair.

Yeah. Danny's voice-over is right.

I mean, you don't see me judging your lives!

Leslie, I didn't say anything

when you ordered a pitcher of wine.

Sangria comes in pitchers.

Putting an old orange peel into your wine

doesn't make it sangria.

And you... I thought we
were becoming friends,

but I should have known
from your nice khakis.

My mom said never to trust rich people.

[Laughing]

Thank you for not sticking
your nose in my business.

You're welcome, Candace.

Don't you dare do a voice-over.

But Danny had to dare.

Oh, hey, if you're brewing tea, don't bother.

Your stuffed animals called and
said they can't make the party.

[Knock on door]

Oh, that's Candace.

She's coming over to talk.

I assume it's to apologize,
so I brewed some tea.

Oh.

Justin.

Danny, can I talk to you about something?

Oh, sure.

I just made us some tea.

Justin: What?

Oh, you made the tea? That's interesting.

What flavor is it?

Fancy time.

Okay.

I'll be in the kitchen.

Sit down. Come on.

Uh...

Aah! Aah!

A-anyway...

I wanted to talk to you about Trent.

I mean, if I'm being honest,

Trent hasn't been the best boyfriend lately.

He kind of, like, ignores me
when we're around his friends,

and sometimes I think that
he's just... Embarrassed of me.

You know, if you want,

we could stop talking
about all this Trent stuff.

You know, lately, I feel
like he's been using me.

Oh, good. You want to keep going.

He borrows money, and he doesn't pay me back.

Do you think I'm doing the right thing

sticking with him?

No!

I'm... I'm sorry. I wasn't eavesdropping.

I was... I just realized
I forgot to dvr "scandal."

No! No!

- No!
- Hey, hey.

You could just watch it online.

It's not the same, Daniel!

Come on, Danny. I really trust you.

What do you think I should
do about the Trent thing?

You're a big girl,

and I think that you'll make

the right decision for yourself, huh?

[Chuckles] Okay.

Oh, thank you, Danny.

You're gonna be a great dad someday.

Uh, well, you know,

I don't remember three days
in Spain, so I might be.

Leslie: Good news. I fixed things with Jake.

Did you tell him not to say anything?

No.

I said that you were nervous

and to give you another shot tomorrow.

How is this gonna be better by tomorrow?

Oh, calm down, my little
Cadbury's cream puff.

We just need to see what you're working with.

How?

Come on, Brett. Let's dance.

Oh, sweetie.

That was awful.

I can fix it. Don't worry.

I happen to be an excellent kisser.

It's true.

You can ask any of his old girlfriends

or his childhood miss piggy doll.

I made that piggy squeal.

And I made the frog watch.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

Uh, yeah, I am. But what
are we talking about?

Candace gave Danny the perfect opportunity

to end this whole Trent thing.

And guess what he did. Nothing.

You're just pissed because she
chose me as the father figure.

Maybe she did. We're still a family.

Guess that makes me the
concerned big brother.

That's such a weird thing for
the overbearing mom to say.

Mom, can you make me some pizza rolls?

Not now, Shelly.

Plus, you already had your snack.

Candace is such a good girl.

If you had an opportunity

to help her get rid of that loser,

why wouldn't you do that?

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

Oh, and it was right then

that Danny realized he
had made a huge mistake.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, you're not the only
one who can do voice-over.

But Justin realized that
Danny was the only one

who can do voice-over.

"If you wanted a voice-over
battle, you found one,"

Justin thought.

"You want to know what I
think of your voice-over?"

Danny thought.

"I'm not having this
conversation," Justin thought.

"Conversation, smonversation," Danny thought.

"'Smonversation' isn't a word,

and even if it was,

Danny was too dumb to
spell it," Justin thought.

"S-m... o... n-v...

e-r... s-a-t-i-o-n," Danny thought.

All right, look,

so Trent treats Candace like crap.

Whatever, dude. You know what?

She's a big girl, okay?

She can decide on her own what to do.

Bye, baby.

So, I've been thinking about our talk,

and Trent hasn't been making me feel

very good about myself lately,

but do you know whose fault that is?

Is it Trent?

Mine.

I haven't been all-in on this relationship.

You were right. I'm a big girl.

So I'm gonna let Trent move in with me.

Thank you, Danny.

Anytime.

That is such a stupid decision.

Why did she make that?

Well, she's young. [Scoffs]

What's your excuse?

- Ooooh.
- Ooooh.

Hey, look, if I admit that I
maybe messed up with Candace,

could you maybe not make it
seem like I changed as a person?

I'm sorry. Have we met?

'Cause, I mean, you look exactly
like my friend Danny Burton,

but you're acting nothing like him.

I love this. Let's go.

Let's fix this.

Oh, that's weird.

That was even worse!

It's like your teeth are
somehow in front of your lips.

[Sighs]

Try again.

This is never gonna work.

Before I came out, I kissed loads of girls,

and that's probably why I suck at this.

My kissing style is designed

to make people want to stop kissing me.

Enough.

I-I don't want to kiss girls,

and, to be honest, I
didn't want to kiss Jake.

But that's it!

It didn't work with those other people

because you weren't emotionally invested.

You're a romantic. You need to care.

What are you talking about?

Now, I want you to imagine your perfect man.

Well, that's easy.

That's Zac Efron's abs,
Bradley Cooper's eyes,

Colin Farrell's accent, Matt Damon's chin,

Matthew McConaughey's smile,

and the everything else
of Michael Fassbender.

I call him Za-Brad-Co Mc-Damon-Bender.

Well, I want you to close your eyes

and imagine he's right in front of you.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Do you see him?

Oh, yeah.

He, uh...

He's just over there in the field.

Chopping wood.

Okay, now. Just remember,
it's not just superficial.

You know, he takes care
of you, he respects you.

Now, I want you to just
lean in and kiss that man.

How committed are you to your homosexuality?

Yes! I did it! I can kiss!

[Laughs]

Shelly! Shelly!

Hi, guys. Welcome to my castle.

I don't like her living like this.

Uh, Candace, your mother and I

would like a word with you.

Okay, I'm just making room
for Trent's turntables.

Danny, lay it on her, please.

All right, um...

Candace, can you sit down for a sec?

Um...

About Trent... You know, some guys in life...

Are not... Great.

The end.

Candace, listen. What
Danny is trying to say...

Well, there's no...

No, no, just give me a second.

Okay.

If you could just...

Listen, what Danny is trying to say is...

[Sighs]

We're worried about you and this Trent boy.

[Sighs]

Sorry.

Look, uh...

Your mother and I are never gonna tell you

who you can and cannot date.

Well, I mean, I'd like him
to have a college education.

Yeah, but sometimes it's actually better

for him to learn a trade,

because Magic Mike didn't
have a college education

but he seemed to do pretty
well for himself, okay?

He was a stripper.

Yeah, he... he also built furniture.

Stripping funded his dream.

There are other ways to fund your dreams

- besides taking your clothes off.
- Name one!

Paralegal!

Mike... Magic Mike could
have been a paralegal.

He could have worked at a law firm.

Then he wouldn't have to get naked

and start slapping his thing

on lonely middle-aged
women's faces every night.

I-I feel like you watched a different movie.

Well, then I must have watched
a different movie 10 times.

Candace, the point is...

Trent's not a good guy.

[Sighing] Oh, great.

[Grunts]

You're turning on me, too?

[Both grunt]

I know that I've... I've only known you

for a few weeks now,

but I can say with absolute confidence

that you're a great person.

Trent doesn't deserve you.

Look, you guys don't get it.

I grew up completely alone.

My dad left.

My mom was just struggling to get by.

And, yeah, Trent's not perfect,

but at least he's always
there for me, you know?

Yeah, I-I know. I-I get that.

I also know what it means

to have people that are there for you.

Bring it home, dad.

You don't need people like Trent

in your life anymore because...

You have us now.

We should probably go

before your mother starts
getting all emotional.

Hearing you...

Talk like this...

It's like I'm meeting you for the first time

all over again.

All right. I'll s-s-see you later.

Hey. You wanted to talk, dumb-dumb?

Yeah, uh, thank you for coming.

I wanted to tell you something.

Um...

I love you.

[All groan]

Candace! Come on!

Uh, but somebody I really trust

said that I could do better.

Oh, that was me.

And somebody else got really emotional.

That... that was... We know.

These guys have just shown me

what being cared about really looks like.

And I just don't really get that from you,

so, um, we're done.

Whatevskis.

You wouldn't last a day in Detroit alone.

You're too weak.

You know what?

You can call me a lot of things.

Overly optimistic, too nice...

bad at lists.

But I am not weak.

Yeah. She's not alone, bro.

Yeah. She has very strong friends.

Not him. He's talking about
other friends that are strong.

Friends that already don't like you.

Yeah. Friends who think at
maybe you're the dumb-dumb.

So, why don't you get out of here, loser?

Break-up selfie.

Thank you guys.

You're the best.

I still got that hug in the chamber.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Guys.

Um. Danny, can I ask you a favor?

Sure.

Oh, yeah. No problem.

And it was in that moment
that Candice realize,

that not only were these people her friends.

They were her family now.

I'm sorry Jake. But, if we go out.

It's gonna lead to more
kissing. And I assure you,

that's gonna suck.

Unless, you're okay with
me imagining you as...

Za-Brad-Co Mc-Damon-Bender.

I'm cool with that.

Since we started talking. You've

been Le-Bron Enerson-Cooper.

My dream guy is a combo of

Taylor Kitsch, Taye Diggs

Ben Affleck, Ryan Gosling,
and Chris Hemsworth.

Ooh. Tay-Tay-Ben Gosling-Worth

Mine's Leslie Burton.

Oh, that's just my whole name.

It's a combo, between you and Danny.

All right. Uh...

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