Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,807 --> 00:00:01,806
Okay, party people.
2
00:00:01,808 --> 00:00:03,874
Chelsea will be here any second.
3
00:00:03,876 --> 00:00:05,209
Does anyone want to help me?
4
00:00:05,211 --> 00:00:07,244
I'd help, but I don't want to.
5
00:00:07,246 --> 00:00:08,245
[gasps] Here she comes!
6
00:00:08,247 --> 00:00:09,847
Hit the deck! [grunts]
7
00:00:10,950 --> 00:00:12,650
Happy birthday!
8
00:00:12,652 --> 00:00:15,252
[shrieks] Is it my birthday?
9
00:00:15,254 --> 00:00:16,754
I totally forgot.
10
00:00:16,756 --> 00:00:18,088
[gasps]
11
00:00:18,090 --> 00:00:20,224
- Happy birthday, Chelsea.
- Happy birthday, Chelsea.
12
00:00:20,226 --> 00:00:21,792
- Happy birthday, Chels.
- Happy birthday.
13
00:00:21,794 --> 00:00:22,793
Aww.
14
00:00:22,795 --> 00:00:24,795
A homemade card from five adults.
15
00:00:24,797 --> 00:00:26,030
How thoughtful.
16
00:00:26,032 --> 00:00:28,199
There's a $30
Hollister gift card in there.
17
00:00:28,201 --> 00:00:29,834
[gasps] In that case, I will keep it.
18
00:00:29,836 --> 00:00:31,368
[laughs]
19
00:00:31,370 --> 00:00:33,437
I've got loads of neat-o
birthday surprises
20
00:00:33,439 --> 00:00:36,140
set up throughout the day.
21
00:00:36,142 --> 00:00:38,476
But first, make a wish.
22
00:00:38,478 --> 00:00:41,612
What does someone wish for
who has everything?
23
00:00:41,614 --> 00:00:43,147
Aren't you still a size 4?
24
00:00:43,149 --> 00:00:45,082
Eat my [bleep], Deb.
25
00:00:45,084 --> 00:00:46,917
[whispers] Please make me a size 2.
26
00:00:46,919 --> 00:00:48,719
[blows, laughs]
27
00:00:48,721 --> 00:00:50,120
I'm not gonna eat that, though.
28
00:00:50,122 --> 00:00:51,121
Okay, I didn't plan on it.
29
00:00:51,123 --> 00:00:52,156
[rock music]
30
00:00:52,158 --> 00:00:56,599
Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
31
00:00:56,629 --> 00:00:58,863
- Oh, my God!
- [rhythmic beeping]
32
00:00:58,865 --> 00:01:00,064
How did this happen?
33
00:01:00,066 --> 00:01:01,198
This is the end of days.
34
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:02,633
[beeping]
35
00:01:02,635 --> 00:01:04,401
I can't teach a lesson
on Colonial America
36
00:01:04,403 --> 00:01:05,436
without handouts.
37
00:01:05,438 --> 00:01:07,404
I'm good, but I'm not God.
38
00:01:07,406 --> 00:01:09,073
I'm teaching vocabulary today.
39
00:01:09,075 --> 00:01:10,975
What am I supposed to do?
40
00:01:10,977 --> 00:01:13,110
Write 25 words on the whiteboard?
41
00:01:13,112 --> 00:01:14,612
Have all the kids take out paper?
42
00:01:14,614 --> 00:01:15,946
Pencils?
43
00:01:15,948 --> 00:01:17,748
Have them copy all the words
from the whiteboard?
44
00:01:17,750 --> 00:01:20,451
Erase the whiteboard? This is insane!
45
00:01:20,619 --> 00:01:22,210
Is there a manual?
46
00:01:24,290 --> 00:01:25,456
[manual thuds]
47
00:01:26,993 --> 00:01:29,326
Yep. We [bleep].
48
00:01:29,328 --> 00:01:32,062
Roses are red. Violets are blue.
49
00:01:32,064 --> 00:01:33,664
Ms. Snap is the prettiest teacher,
50
00:01:33,666 --> 00:01:35,666
much prettier than any of you.
51
00:01:35,668 --> 00:01:37,735
We celebrate her today
as one of the greats.
52
00:01:37,737 --> 00:01:41,005
Anyone would be lucky
to have her skinny traits.
53
00:01:41,007 --> 00:01:42,806
Happy birthday, Ms. Snap.
54
00:01:42,808 --> 00:01:45,242
I am so touched that you wrote that.
55
00:01:45,244 --> 00:01:48,279
You said it was 25%
of our writing grade.
56
00:01:48,281 --> 00:01:50,137
You can sit down now, Danielle.
57
00:01:50,783 --> 00:01:52,616
How old are you turning, Ms. Snap?
58
00:01:52,618 --> 00:01:54,952
Oh, how old do you think I am?
59
00:01:54,954 --> 00:01:56,086
60?
60
00:01:56,088 --> 00:01:57,821
[laughs] Very funny, Kyle.
61
00:01:57,823 --> 00:01:59,123
She's not 60.
62
00:01:59,125 --> 00:02:00,090
Thank you, Danielle.
63
00:02:00,092 --> 00:02:01,458
Her skin just looks old
64
00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:02,927
'cause she has lots of sun damage.
65
00:02:02,929 --> 00:02:03,994
She's probably 40.
66
00:02:03,996 --> 00:02:05,029
Wait, what?
67
00:02:05,031 --> 00:02:06,363
I think she's 48.
68
00:02:06,365 --> 00:02:07,698
That's how old my Aunt Kim is.
69
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:10,267
She wears the same clothes as Ms. Snap.
70
00:02:10,269 --> 00:02:12,136
She calls them her truck stop dresses.
71
00:02:12,138 --> 00:02:14,939
Okay, what is going on right now?
72
00:02:14,941 --> 00:02:16,540
Is this some sick joke?
73
00:02:16,542 --> 00:02:17,841
I'm telling you, she's 60.
74
00:02:17,843 --> 00:02:19,043
Look at the neck.
75
00:02:19,045 --> 00:02:21,278
It's like a tree. Each ring is a year.
76
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,113
One, two...
77
00:02:23,115 --> 00:02:24,548
That is it.
78
00:02:24,550 --> 00:02:26,450
No one is gonna have recess today.
79
00:02:26,452 --> 00:02:28,852
Everyone take out your workbooks!
80
00:02:30,856 --> 00:02:32,222
[gasps]
81
00:02:32,224 --> 00:02:34,925
Wait. Why does it say you're 31?
82
00:02:34,927 --> 00:02:37,394
Because that's how old I am, Tina!
83
00:02:37,396 --> 00:02:40,297
Since Ms. Watson
couldn't make copies today,
84
00:02:40,299 --> 00:02:41,532
we're all going to take turns
85
00:02:41,534 --> 00:02:43,867
looking at this vocabulary list,
86
00:02:43,869 --> 00:02:45,069
learn what we can,
87
00:02:45,071 --> 00:02:47,004
and then pass it on, okay?
88
00:02:47,006 --> 00:02:49,640
Why don't you just write
the words on the whiteboard?
89
00:02:49,642 --> 00:02:51,609
Did your mother
drive you to school this morning
90
00:02:51,611 --> 00:02:53,077
in a horse and buggy?
91
00:02:53,079 --> 00:02:54,645
No.
92
00:02:54,647 --> 00:02:57,581
Then don't expect me
to write on a whiteboard.
93
00:02:57,583 --> 00:03:00,317
Read it and pass it on, Marco.
94
00:03:00,319 --> 00:03:01,919
"Press the release lever.
95
00:03:01,921 --> 00:03:04,989
Adjust the side fences
to the paper size."
96
00:03:04,991 --> 00:03:06,256
Okay.
97
00:03:06,258 --> 00:03:09,426
Now, does anyone know
what that means? Hmm?
98
00:03:09,428 --> 00:03:12,896
Why are we reading
the "Kopy King User Guide"
99
00:03:12,898 --> 00:03:14,064
instead of "Shiloh"?
100
00:03:14,066 --> 00:03:16,233
Because we're trying to find out
101
00:03:16,235 --> 00:03:19,203
what's happens to Mr. Copier.
102
00:03:19,205 --> 00:03:21,338
Ooh.
103
00:03:21,340 --> 00:03:24,341
[light jazzy music]
104
00:03:24,343 --> 00:03:25,309
105
00:03:25,311 --> 00:03:26,677
Hey, why don't we...
106
00:03:28,114 --> 00:03:30,914
[exhales sharply] Yeah, I got nothing.
107
00:03:30,916 --> 00:03:32,916
108
00:03:32,918 --> 00:03:36,820
Thanks for sharing that
cool pigeon feather, Tracy.
109
00:03:36,822 --> 00:03:41,959
It really opened up a neat
discussion about disease.
110
00:03:41,961 --> 00:03:43,560
Okay! Blake.
111
00:03:43,562 --> 00:03:45,562
What did you bring
for show-and-tell today?
112
00:03:45,564 --> 00:03:48,666
Uh, well, you told me to bring my dad.
113
00:03:48,668 --> 00:03:49,900
No, I didn't.
114
00:03:49,902 --> 00:03:51,268
Yes, you did.
115
00:03:51,270 --> 00:03:52,469
Nope.
116
00:03:55,474 --> 00:03:57,307
So, uh... [chuckles]
117
00:03:57,309 --> 00:03:58,542
I guess that's my cue.
118
00:03:58,544 --> 00:04:01,445
Ms. Bennigan.
119
00:04:01,447 --> 00:04:02,713
Okay, everyone.
120
00:04:02,715 --> 00:04:04,348
I am Blake's dad.
121
00:04:04,350 --> 00:04:08,552
I'm not really sure
what I'm supposed to show...
122
00:04:08,554 --> 00:04:12,222
[laughing]
123
00:04:12,224 --> 00:04:13,924
Or tell...
124
00:04:13,926 --> 00:04:17,828
Uh, but does anyone have
any questions for me?
125
00:04:19,131 --> 00:04:20,164
Yes.
126
00:04:20,166 --> 00:04:21,165
You're a dad.
127
00:04:21,167 --> 00:04:22,433
Why aren't you at work?
128
00:04:22,435 --> 00:04:24,301
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
129
00:04:24,303 --> 00:04:25,669
That's not a real job.
130
00:04:25,671 --> 00:04:28,072
[chuckles] Well, actually it is.
131
00:04:28,074 --> 00:04:29,473
Uh, being a stay-at-home parent
132
00:04:29,475 --> 00:04:31,542
is one of the toughest jobs
that there is,
133
00:04:31,544 --> 00:04:33,844
after being a teacher, of course.
134
00:04:33,846 --> 00:04:35,312
[gasps]
135
00:04:35,314 --> 00:04:36,513
But that's not all that I do.
136
00:04:36,515 --> 00:04:38,148
How I actually earn my living
137
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:41,919
is by running a nonprofit
animal rescue out of my house.
138
00:04:41,921 --> 00:04:43,787
[whispers] Hot Animal Rescuer.
139
00:04:43,789 --> 00:04:46,790
There are doors within doors.
140
00:04:46,792 --> 00:04:49,359
This is some straight-up Narnia shit.
141
00:04:49,361 --> 00:04:51,061
My kids thinks I'm 60.
142
00:04:51,063 --> 00:04:52,129
Can you believe it?
143
00:04:52,131 --> 00:04:53,530
In the right overalls,
144
00:04:53,532 --> 00:04:55,065
I can still buy a child's movie ticket.
145
00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:57,468
Don't let them get you down.
Kids lack perspective.
146
00:04:57,470 --> 00:04:58,702
Today I had a student tell me
147
00:04:58,704 --> 00:05:00,471
I look like Fantine from "Les Mis."
148
00:05:00,473 --> 00:05:01,972
[chuckles]
149
00:05:01,974 --> 00:05:04,675
Chelsea, you've got
nothing to worry about.
150
00:05:04,677 --> 00:05:06,643
You look exactly your age.
151
00:05:06,645 --> 00:05:08,278
That is literally the rudest thing
152
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,680
anyone has ever said to me.
153
00:05:09,682 --> 00:05:12,015
[sighs] On the bright side,
154
00:05:12,017 --> 00:05:14,284
at least I'm younger than all you hos.
155
00:05:14,286 --> 00:05:17,454
[chuckles]
156
00:05:17,456 --> 00:05:20,190
Wait, Cecelia, how old are you?
157
00:05:20,192 --> 00:05:21,258
30.
158
00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:23,327
- Caroline?
- 29.
159
00:05:23,329 --> 00:05:24,962
- Feldman?
- 25.
160
00:05:24,964 --> 00:05:27,197
- Mary Louise?
- Please don't make me say it.
161
00:05:27,199 --> 00:05:28,365
- Mary Louise?
- 24.
162
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:29,466
I'm so sorry, Chelsea.
163
00:05:29,468 --> 00:05:30,768
I wish I'd never been born.
164
00:05:30,770 --> 00:05:32,469
Okay. [laughs]
165
00:05:32,471 --> 00:05:34,338
You have to be older than me.
166
00:05:34,340 --> 00:05:35,572
You're so bitter.
167
00:05:35,574 --> 00:05:37,708
Just wait until I'm your age.
168
00:05:37,710 --> 00:05:40,244
Oh, my God.
169
00:05:40,246 --> 00:05:43,714
When did I become the old guy
with goggles from 'NSYNC?
170
00:05:43,716 --> 00:05:46,483
You. I have to be younger than you.
171
00:05:46,485 --> 00:05:47,618
You got me, bitch.
172
00:05:47,620 --> 00:05:48,685
I'm 56.
173
00:05:48,687 --> 00:05:50,754
Oh, thank God.
174
00:05:50,756 --> 00:05:52,756
I wouldn't get so excited.
175
00:05:52,758 --> 00:05:54,191
You're the one with a chin hair
176
00:05:54,193 --> 00:05:56,460
hanging off your face.
177
00:05:56,462 --> 00:05:59,196
[dramatic music]
178
00:05:59,198 --> 00:06:00,697
[gasps]
179
00:06:00,699 --> 00:06:03,467
And that's not the only place
you'll get them.
180
00:06:03,469 --> 00:06:04,535
181
00:06:04,537 --> 00:06:07,004
Welcome to the dark side.
182
00:06:07,006 --> 00:06:09,273
You're another year older
183
00:06:09,275 --> 00:06:10,574
Not now, Josiah!
184
00:06:10,576 --> 00:06:11,708
[sobbing]
185
00:06:14,731 --> 00:06:17,331
- Get out of my way.
- I'm getting that DVD player.
186
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,166
- Like hell you are!
- Feldman, no!
187
00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:21,202
Seriously, I need that DVD player!
188
00:06:21,204 --> 00:06:23,204
Aww. You snooze you lose.
189
00:06:23,206 --> 00:06:24,272
Great.
190
00:06:24,274 --> 00:06:25,773
What are we supposed to do now?
191
00:06:25,775 --> 00:06:26,974
[cart clattering]
192
00:06:26,976 --> 00:06:28,843
[dramatic musical flourish]
193
00:06:28,845 --> 00:06:30,845
both: Art!
194
00:06:30,847 --> 00:06:31,946
Cecelia!
195
00:06:31,948 --> 00:06:32,914
I need to talk to you!
196
00:06:32,916 --> 00:06:34,148
No, I need to talk to you!
197
00:06:34,150 --> 00:06:35,216
Come on! I'll buy you kale chips!
198
00:06:35,218 --> 00:06:36,784
I'll start recycling!
199
00:06:41,024 --> 00:06:43,157
Sorry I'm early,
but I need a place to hide.
200
00:06:43,159 --> 00:06:44,558
[harp glissando]
201
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,027
[exotic percussive music]
202
00:06:46,029 --> 00:06:47,478
What happened to you?
203
00:06:47,526 --> 00:06:49,025
Nothing.
204
00:06:49,027 --> 00:06:51,027
I just picked up a few things
at the mall over lunch.
205
00:06:51,029 --> 00:06:53,363
Look, I know turning 31
is wigging you out,
206
00:06:53,365 --> 00:06:55,065
but I think you're
overcompensating a little.
207
00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:56,533
No, I'm not.
208
00:06:56,535 --> 00:06:58,234
My looks are my everything,
and it has recently
209
00:06:58,236 --> 00:07:00,470
come to my attention
that I'm a fugly old hag.
210
00:07:00,472 --> 00:07:02,372
Outer beauty is fleeting, Chelsea.
211
00:07:02,374 --> 00:07:04,374
There's so much more to life.
212
00:07:04,376 --> 00:07:05,442
Oh, my God.
213
00:07:05,444 --> 00:07:07,310
That is what they say to ugly people.
214
00:07:07,312 --> 00:07:10,447
And everything I want in life
requires me to be young and hot.
215
00:07:10,449 --> 00:07:11,247
Like what?
216
00:07:11,249 --> 00:07:12,582
Like getting on a reality show
217
00:07:12,584 --> 00:07:14,384
before I start looking
like Mickey Rourke!
218
00:07:14,386 --> 00:07:16,419
Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
219
00:07:16,421 --> 00:07:18,321
That again! [screams]
220
00:07:18,323 --> 00:07:20,457
[screaming]
221
00:07:20,459 --> 00:07:22,759
That was a great show-and-tell.
222
00:07:22,761 --> 00:07:23,993
I didn't talk about
223
00:07:23,995 --> 00:07:25,462
the stay-at-home parent thing too much?
224
00:07:25,464 --> 00:07:26,529
No.
225
00:07:26,531 --> 00:07:27,731
I think you're doing a great job
226
00:07:27,733 --> 00:07:29,132
juggling so many things.
227
00:07:29,134 --> 00:07:31,868
You're like the Ryan Seacrest of dads.
228
00:07:31,870 --> 00:07:33,336
[chuckles] Thanks.
229
00:07:33,338 --> 00:07:35,205
Although it sounds like someone
230
00:07:35,207 --> 00:07:37,073
deserves a night off.
231
00:07:37,075 --> 00:07:38,575
Well, easier said than done.
232
00:07:38,577 --> 00:07:41,111
I was hoping to go
to this free EMT course tonight,
233
00:07:41,113 --> 00:07:43,012
but my babysitter just fell through.
234
00:07:43,014 --> 00:07:44,547
I can babysit.
235
00:07:44,549 --> 00:07:46,583
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.
236
00:07:46,585 --> 00:07:47,617
I don't mind.
237
00:07:47,619 --> 00:07:48,785
Are you sure?
238
00:07:48,787 --> 00:07:49,786
You don't have other plans?
239
00:07:49,788 --> 00:07:50,887
No. I have nothing.
240
00:07:50,889 --> 00:07:52,722
Nothing is going on tonight.
241
00:07:52,724 --> 00:07:54,591
It's not like it's my best
friend's birthday or anything.
242
00:07:54,593 --> 00:07:56,493
And even if it was, who cares about her?
243
00:07:56,495 --> 00:07:59,729
[laughing]
244
00:07:59,731 --> 00:08:02,465
[rock music]
245
00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:04,167
Why aren't we doing math?
246
00:08:04,169 --> 00:08:06,669
Because my reality TV clock is ticking.
247
00:08:06,671 --> 00:08:09,405
Now send in that
"Redneck Island" application.
248
00:08:09,407 --> 00:08:11,141
[gasps] And tell them
I don't know who my dad is.
249
00:08:11,143 --> 00:08:12,195
[tablet beeps]
250
00:08:12,197 --> 00:08:14,077
It's not letting me
submit the application.
251
00:08:14,079 --> 00:08:15,108
Why not?
252
00:08:15,110 --> 00:08:17,113
It says you exceed the age limit.
253
00:08:17,115 --> 00:08:19,449
- [tablet beeps]
- Mine says you're too old too.
254
00:08:19,451 --> 00:08:21,484
Well, they can't all say that.
255
00:08:21,486 --> 00:08:23,453
The "Rich Kids
of Beverly Hills" says no,
256
00:08:23,455 --> 00:08:25,855
but the E! Channel
wants you for something else.
257
00:08:25,857 --> 00:08:27,090
Yes!
258
00:08:27,092 --> 00:08:28,091
What is it?
259
00:08:28,093 --> 00:08:29,092
"Botched."
260
00:08:29,094 --> 00:08:30,627
"Botched"?
261
00:08:30,629 --> 00:08:33,363
"Botched" is a show about
botched plastic surgery, Kyle!
262
00:08:33,365 --> 00:08:36,132
Do I look botched to you?
263
00:08:36,134 --> 00:08:38,434
Don't answer that!
264
00:08:38,436 --> 00:08:41,104
Okay, everyone take out
your tabloids and silent read.
265
00:08:46,178 --> 00:08:50,513
[harp glissando]
266
00:08:50,515 --> 00:08:51,514
Ahh!
267
00:08:52,951 --> 00:08:55,084
[copier beeps and whirs]
268
00:08:55,086 --> 00:08:57,153
- [beeping]
- No, no, no, no, no!
269
00:08:57,155 --> 00:08:59,522
How can there be a paper jam
if there's no paper, huh?
270
00:08:59,524 --> 00:09:02,992
You're ruining our lives,
you piece of shit!
271
00:09:02,994 --> 00:09:05,795
Oh, my God! I am too rich for this!
272
00:09:05,797 --> 00:09:08,331
[shredder whirring]
273
00:09:08,333 --> 00:09:09,332
What are you doing?
274
00:09:09,334 --> 00:09:10,500
Shredding my dreams.
275
00:09:10,502 --> 00:09:11,801
Chelsea, one of the great things
276
00:09:11,803 --> 00:09:13,269
about getting older is
277
00:09:13,271 --> 00:09:14,537
you don't have to focus
so much on your looks.
278
00:09:14,539 --> 00:09:16,372
Now it's all about your personality.
279
00:09:16,374 --> 00:09:18,341
I would rather
fill my pockets with stones
280
00:09:18,343 --> 00:09:20,143
and walk into Lake Michigan.
281
00:09:20,145 --> 00:09:21,211
Chelsea!
282
00:09:21,213 --> 00:09:22,679
- Guess what.
- What?
283
00:09:22,681 --> 00:09:24,881
I'm going over to Hot Dad's tonight!
284
00:09:24,883 --> 00:09:25,955
- Wait, what?
- Really?
285
00:09:25,957 --> 00:09:27,550
Yeah, I'm going over to his house...
286
00:09:27,552 --> 00:09:29,519
- to babysit.
- [sighs]
287
00:09:29,521 --> 00:09:31,788
This could be the first day
of the rest of my life.
288
00:09:31,790 --> 00:09:33,189
"How'd y'all meet?"
289
00:09:33,191 --> 00:09:34,691
"Oh, I don't know, babysitting."
[chuckles]
290
00:09:34,693 --> 00:09:38,294
Mary Louise, he's not going to be there.
291
00:09:38,296 --> 00:09:40,510
You're babysitting.
292
00:09:40,535 --> 00:09:42,045
Maybe if you show up looking hot,
293
00:09:42,070 --> 00:09:43,703
you can get him to stay home.
294
00:09:43,869 --> 00:09:45,268
It could work.
295
00:09:45,270 --> 00:09:46,603
[voice breaking] You're still young.
296
00:09:46,605 --> 00:09:47,604
Oh, my stars.
297
00:09:47,606 --> 00:09:49,405
[gasps] This could be it.
298
00:09:49,407 --> 00:09:51,040
I have the perfect outfit.
299
00:09:51,042 --> 00:09:52,909
[laughs] Thanks, gals!
300
00:09:52,911 --> 00:09:54,477
Have fun!
301
00:09:54,479 --> 00:09:56,512
It's not like it's my birthday
or anything.
302
00:09:56,514 --> 00:09:57,747
- [shredder whirring]
- [gasps]
303
00:09:57,749 --> 00:09:58,915
My hair! My hair!
304
00:09:58,917 --> 00:10:00,250
Oh, it's eating my hair!
305
00:10:00,252 --> 00:10:01,918
- Oh, my God!
- It's eating me!
306
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:06,022
- Wait! No talking!
- My $15 hair extensions!
307
00:10:06,024 --> 00:10:07,156
[screams]
308
00:10:07,158 --> 00:10:10,260
[sighing]
309
00:10:10,262 --> 00:10:11,394
That was close.
310
00:10:12,731 --> 00:10:13,868
What?
311
00:10:13,870 --> 00:10:15,899
Okay, don't freak out.
312
00:10:15,901 --> 00:10:18,735
This happened to my Samantha
American Girl doll once,
313
00:10:18,737 --> 00:10:20,603
and I can totally fix it.
314
00:10:21,873 --> 00:10:24,040
[gasps]
315
00:10:24,042 --> 00:10:26,809
I have mom hair?
316
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:34,867
Stop staring at me, Feldman.
317
00:10:34,869 --> 00:10:37,303
Sorry, Mom... ma'am... Chelsea.
318
00:10:37,305 --> 00:10:39,105
Cheer up. We all made casseroles
319
00:10:39,107 --> 00:10:40,173
for your birthday.
320
00:10:40,175 --> 00:10:41,252
Your hair doesn't look so bad.
321
00:10:41,254 --> 00:10:42,875
I like how spiky it is.
322
00:10:42,877 --> 00:10:44,939
I look like Rod Stewart.
323
00:10:45,173 --> 00:10:46,184
Here.
324
00:10:46,186 --> 00:10:48,007
Have some sweet potato casserole.
325
00:10:48,009 --> 00:10:50,810
It always lifted my spirits
on the overcast days
326
00:10:50,812 --> 00:10:52,912
when we summered in Nantucket.
327
00:10:52,914 --> 00:10:55,415
[sniffs] Oh, this smells like a fart.
328
00:10:55,417 --> 00:10:57,550
You know what would lift my spirits?
329
00:10:57,552 --> 00:11:00,320
If we got that piece of crap
copier fixed.
330
00:11:00,322 --> 00:11:01,754
It's not that big of a deal.
331
00:11:01,756 --> 00:11:04,224
Oh, you love that it's broken!
332
00:11:04,226 --> 00:11:05,491
It's the first time
333
00:11:05,493 --> 00:11:07,126
in your miserable career
as an art teacher
334
00:11:07,128 --> 00:11:09,596
that any of us have actually
wanted you in our classrooms.
335
00:11:09,598 --> 00:11:10,697
You probably broke it.
336
00:11:10,699 --> 00:11:12,098
[all gasp] Oh, really?
337
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,533
It's funny you should say that,
338
00:11:13,535 --> 00:11:14,901
considering I saw you
leaving the copy room
339
00:11:14,903 --> 00:11:16,469
yesterday at the end of the day.
340
00:11:16,471 --> 00:11:18,104
[all gasp] So?
341
00:11:18,106 --> 00:11:20,373
Feldman was the first one
at the copier this morning.
342
00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:21,941
[all gasp] Was I?
343
00:11:21,943 --> 00:11:23,977
'Cause when I got there,
the copier was already warm
344
00:11:23,979 --> 00:11:26,112
and the smell of Ralph "Lau-ren"
Midnight Romance
345
00:11:26,114 --> 00:11:27,814
was mad intense. [all gasp]
346
00:11:27,816 --> 00:11:30,316
Okay, first of all, it's
Ralph "Lauren," you be-atch.
347
00:11:30,318 --> 00:11:31,718
Shut up! Shut up!
348
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,621
Do you people realize how old you sound?
349
00:11:34,623 --> 00:11:38,124
You are arguing about a copier
at a casserole party!
350
00:11:38,126 --> 00:11:40,093
This isn't a nursing home.
351
00:11:40,095 --> 00:11:42,629
We should all be drunk
singing Selena Gomez
352
00:11:42,631 --> 00:11:45,632
in an abandoned warehouse
rolling on molly!
353
00:11:45,634 --> 00:11:47,066
Who's with me?
354
00:11:48,803 --> 00:11:51,237
You guys are seriously gonna
hold a grudge over a copier?
355
00:11:51,239 --> 00:11:54,807
Okay, drop the tudes,
and let's have fun.
356
00:11:54,809 --> 00:11:57,477
Because I need to feel young now!
357
00:11:57,787 --> 00:11:59,879
I think I've got something.
358
00:11:59,881 --> 00:12:02,248
[crowd cheering]
359
00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:04,784
[techno music]
360
00:12:04,786 --> 00:12:06,052
Whoo!
361
00:12:06,054 --> 00:12:07,220
What's up?
362
00:12:07,222 --> 00:12:09,155
So how do you know
these people, Feldman?
363
00:12:09,157 --> 00:12:11,925
Well, two of my four roomies
are still in college.
364
00:12:11,927 --> 00:12:14,494
'Sup, Poopy? 'Sup, Sock? 'Sup?
365
00:12:14,496 --> 00:12:16,296
How are these college students?
366
00:12:16,298 --> 00:12:17,563
They look so young.
367
00:12:17,565 --> 00:12:19,165
And where are their clothes?
368
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:20,700
I swear I saw a girl
369
00:12:20,702 --> 00:12:23,169
who was just wearing
Band-Aids on her bosom.
370
00:12:23,171 --> 00:12:24,118
Who cares?
371
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,340
Remember, we're all having fun,
so blend in.
372
00:12:27,342 --> 00:12:29,042
Party time!
373
00:12:29,044 --> 00:12:30,343
Whoo! [laughs]
374
00:12:30,345 --> 00:12:33,346
Hello, boys!
375
00:12:33,348 --> 00:12:35,148
376
00:12:35,150 --> 00:12:36,849
Ahoy, matey!
377
00:12:36,851 --> 00:12:39,252
Permission to come aboard?
378
00:12:39,254 --> 00:12:41,321
Oh. Permission granted.
379
00:12:41,323 --> 00:12:43,043
[chuckles]
380
00:12:44,159 --> 00:12:45,858
[whispers] And I'm in.
381
00:12:45,860 --> 00:12:48,061
Feel free to kick back and relax.
382
00:12:48,063 --> 00:12:49,362
My house is your house.
383
00:12:49,364 --> 00:12:51,564
Which would make it our house.
384
00:12:51,566 --> 00:12:53,633
[chuckles] Okay.
385
00:12:53,635 --> 00:12:55,268
Well, uh, I should get going.
386
00:12:55,270 --> 00:12:56,936
You don't want to stay?
387
00:12:56,938 --> 00:12:59,505
Well, I'm going to my EMT class?
388
00:12:59,507 --> 00:13:01,374
[chuckles] Right.
389
00:13:01,376 --> 00:13:02,742
[chuckles]
390
00:13:02,744 --> 00:13:04,310
Oh, I ordered a pizza for you guys.
391
00:13:04,312 --> 00:13:05,528
Pizza, pizza.
392
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:07,880
Right.
393
00:13:07,882 --> 00:13:09,315
Well, I will see you later.
394
00:13:09,317 --> 00:13:10,683
- Okay.
- Okay.
395
00:13:15,056 --> 00:13:18,057
[dreamy music]
396
00:13:18,059 --> 00:13:24,998
397
00:13:31,239 --> 00:13:38,177
398
00:13:49,524 --> 00:13:51,424
Hot Family.
399
00:13:51,426 --> 00:13:58,564
400
00:14:01,836 --> 00:14:03,169
What are you doing?
401
00:14:03,171 --> 00:14:04,270
Ho!
402
00:14:04,272 --> 00:14:06,773
Hey, Blake-o.
403
00:14:06,775 --> 00:14:08,441
Want to watch a movie?
404
00:14:08,443 --> 00:14:11,277
Women's studies major, huh? That's cool.
405
00:14:11,279 --> 00:14:15,982
I found college to be
a very experimental time.
406
00:14:15,984 --> 00:14:18,084
All right, the name of
the game is Edward Fortyhands.
407
00:14:18,086 --> 00:14:19,952
You don't stop until it's all gone.
408
00:14:19,954 --> 00:14:23,017
And vomiting isn't considered
a disqualification.
409
00:14:23,825 --> 00:14:26,159
Wait. What if I have to pee?
410
00:14:26,161 --> 00:14:29,162
[all chanting "Chug!"]
411
00:14:29,164 --> 00:14:32,465
412
00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:35,468
[gritty electronic music]
413
00:14:35,470 --> 00:14:37,470
414
00:14:37,472 --> 00:14:38,971
Excuse me!
415
00:14:38,973 --> 00:14:43,309
Can you please play "Mambo Number 5"?
416
00:14:43,311 --> 00:14:44,577
What?
417
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,045
What?
418
00:14:46,047 --> 00:14:47,931
This is crazy.
419
00:14:47,933 --> 00:14:50,665
She's gonna realize the man she's em
420
00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:53,101
is trying to close her bookshop.
421
00:14:53,103 --> 00:14:55,570
[door squeaks]
422
00:14:55,572 --> 00:14:57,239
Holy macaroni!
423
00:14:57,241 --> 00:14:58,707
You came back.
424
00:14:58,709 --> 00:15:01,176
Yeah, I didn't wind up
going to my EMT class.
425
00:15:01,178 --> 00:15:02,844
I saw a mother duck and her ducklings
426
00:15:02,846 --> 00:15:04,312
stranded in the street,
427
00:15:04,314 --> 00:15:06,748
so I had to stop and guide them
back to the river.
428
00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:09,317
- Lucky duckies.
- [chuckles]
429
00:15:09,319 --> 00:15:12,621
Well, I should probably
pack up my things and go.
430
00:15:12,623 --> 00:15:13,688
Well, why don't you stay?
431
00:15:13,690 --> 00:15:15,290
You already drove all this way.
432
00:15:15,292 --> 00:15:16,890
Plus, the pizza hasn't even come yet.
433
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,056
Really?
434
00:15:18,058 --> 00:15:19,257
You want me to stay?
435
00:15:19,259 --> 00:15:20,758
Sure, it'll be fun.
436
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:21,559
Right, Blake?
437
00:15:21,561 --> 00:15:23,061
- No.
- Great.
438
00:15:23,063 --> 00:15:26,364
Oh, this is my favorite part.
439
00:15:29,069 --> 00:15:32,236
[gritty electronic music]
440
00:15:32,238 --> 00:15:33,571
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
441
00:15:33,573 --> 00:15:35,940
I love this song!
442
00:15:35,942 --> 00:15:37,141
Yes!
443
00:15:37,143 --> 00:15:38,376
[thuds]
444
00:15:38,378 --> 00:15:40,812
"Mambo Number 5!"
445
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:42,180
Lou Bega!
446
00:15:42,182 --> 00:15:43,781
Hello!
447
00:15:43,783 --> 00:15:46,050
Check your CDs!
448
00:15:46,052 --> 00:15:49,087
[indistinct chatter]
449
00:15:49,089 --> 00:15:50,588
Just so you know, I'm bi.
450
00:15:50,590 --> 00:15:51,923
How do you identify?
451
00:15:51,925 --> 00:15:53,992
Well, my gender identity is cis-woman.
452
00:15:53,994 --> 00:15:56,060
My gender expression is androgynous.
453
00:15:56,062 --> 00:15:58,363
Biologically assigned sex is female,
454
00:15:58,365 --> 00:16:00,765
and sexual orientation is tri-sexual.
455
00:16:00,767 --> 00:16:04,335
And I'm interested in
mild domination and bondage.
456
00:16:04,337 --> 00:16:05,636
Wow.
457
00:16:05,638 --> 00:16:08,072
I have never felt so unevolved.
458
00:16:08,074 --> 00:16:10,192
Blake is out like a light.
459
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:15,313
I'm really happy
that you stayed tonight.
460
00:16:15,315 --> 00:16:16,808
Me too.
461
00:16:18,018 --> 00:16:19,283
Can I ask you a question?
462
00:16:19,285 --> 00:16:21,152
Of course.
463
00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:23,621
Did you ask Blake to bring me
464
00:16:23,623 --> 00:16:25,023
to show-and-tell today?
465
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:26,424
Yes. No.
466
00:16:26,426 --> 00:16:28,026
Maybe. Did I? I don't know.
467
00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:29,227
I did.
468
00:16:29,229 --> 00:16:30,951
- I did. I just lied.
- Mm-hmm.
469
00:16:31,798 --> 00:16:33,431
Well, I'm glad that you did.
470
00:16:33,433 --> 00:16:34,465
[sighs]
471
00:16:36,106 --> 00:16:37,468
[dreamy music]
472
00:16:37,470 --> 00:16:44,609
473
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,213
[gritty electronic music]
474
00:16:49,215 --> 00:16:51,482
Whoo! Party!
475
00:16:51,484 --> 00:16:53,251
Whoo!
476
00:16:53,253 --> 00:16:56,521
477
00:16:56,523 --> 00:16:58,890
We look so good!
478
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:01,859
[laughing]
479
00:17:01,861 --> 00:17:03,428
Whoo!
480
00:17:03,430 --> 00:17:05,363
Whoo!
481
00:17:05,365 --> 00:17:07,331
- Holy shit!
- [men groaning]
482
00:17:07,872 --> 00:17:10,134
You've got a hair
growing out of your nipple.
483
00:17:10,136 --> 00:17:11,569
Oh, my God.
484
00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:13,971
- [bullhorn blips]
- Okay, party's over!
485
00:17:13,973 --> 00:17:14,972
[whispers] 5-0!
486
00:17:14,974 --> 00:17:16,574
Everyone outside with your ID!
487
00:17:16,576 --> 00:17:18,409
- Let's go.
- All right, IDs out.
488
00:17:18,411 --> 00:17:20,912
Let me see 'em.
489
00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:22,380
- [bullhorn blips]
- Go home.
490
00:17:22,382 --> 00:17:23,648
[amplified] Not you, ma'am.
491
00:17:23,650 --> 00:17:26,851
[melancholy piano music]
492
00:17:26,853 --> 00:17:29,353
493
00:17:29,355 --> 00:17:30,755
[dreamy music]
494
00:17:30,757 --> 00:17:32,056
Hey.
495
00:17:32,058 --> 00:17:33,391
Mary Louise?
496
00:17:33,393 --> 00:17:34,592
497
00:17:34,594 --> 00:17:36,594
[chuckles] You're awake.
498
00:17:36,596 --> 00:17:38,529
Are you okay? You fainted.
499
00:17:38,531 --> 00:17:39,926
Hmm?
500
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:42,533
[gasping and grunting]
501
00:17:42,535 --> 00:17:44,502
- What are you doing?
- I gotta skedaddle.
502
00:17:44,504 --> 00:17:45,770
No, no, no. You don't have to go.
503
00:17:45,772 --> 00:17:46,771
Bye!
504
00:17:46,773 --> 00:17:47,939
[smack]
505
00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:48,906
[thud]
506
00:17:48,908 --> 00:17:50,675
[gasps]
507
00:17:50,677 --> 00:17:52,810
I have something to tell you guys.
508
00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:55,880
I'm the one who broke the copier.
509
00:17:55,882 --> 00:17:58,249
I jammed it while I was
trying to print flyers
510
00:17:58,251 --> 00:18:00,218
for the pagan pride parade.
511
00:18:00,220 --> 00:18:01,752
[laughs]
512
00:18:01,754 --> 00:18:04,355
Dude, we're all hammered,
and no one cares anymore.
513
00:18:04,357 --> 00:18:07,258
Plus, Poopy just hooked me up
514
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:09,193
for the Kanye Western mixer.
515
00:18:09,195 --> 00:18:10,194
Who's in?
516
00:18:10,196 --> 00:18:12,029
- Me!
- Yeah!
517
00:18:12,031 --> 00:18:12,830
Chelsea?
518
00:18:12,832 --> 00:18:14,031
I don't think so.
519
00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:15,399
This day was a disaster.
520
00:18:15,401 --> 00:18:18,736
It's 8:45, my feet hurt,
and I just want to go home.
521
00:18:18,738 --> 00:18:20,438
Plus, I gotta pluck my nipples.
522
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:21,906
You sure, dog?
523
00:18:21,908 --> 00:18:23,107
Go.
524
00:18:23,109 --> 00:18:25,276
Enjoy yourselves.
525
00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:26,744
[light jazzy music]
526
00:18:26,746 --> 00:18:29,180
You guys know who Lou Bega is, right?
527
00:18:38,121 --> 00:18:41,589
I don't remember hangovers
hurting this much.
528
00:18:41,591 --> 00:18:43,624
[moaning]
529
00:18:44,568 --> 00:18:46,101
You look refreshed.
530
00:18:46,103 --> 00:18:47,702
How was the rest of your night?
531
00:18:47,704 --> 00:18:49,704
Great. I watched trash TV,
532
00:18:49,706 --> 00:18:51,239
judged ugly babies on Facebook,
533
00:18:51,241 --> 00:18:52,440
and was in bed by 10:30.
534
00:18:55,278 --> 00:18:57,812
I think I'm finally comfortable
with being in my 30s.
535
00:18:57,814 --> 00:19:00,148
Aww. Good for you, dude.
536
00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:01,783
Does this mean you're gonna
keep the hair?
537
00:19:01,785 --> 00:19:04,853
No. I'm getting extensions
put in tomorrow.
538
00:19:04,855 --> 00:19:06,821
I need a bangin' do for my hot bod.
539
00:19:08,291 --> 00:19:11,693
I just went to make copies,
and the copier is missing.
540
00:19:11,695 --> 00:19:13,928
Does anybody know where it is?
541
00:19:15,565 --> 00:19:18,399
[suspenseful flute music]
542
00:19:18,401 --> 00:19:19,601
all: Feel the rhythm!
543
00:19:19,603 --> 00:19:20,802
Feel the rhyme!
544
00:19:20,804 --> 00:19:23,370
Get on up! It's bobsled time!
545
00:19:30,653 --> 00:19:31,813
I'm good.
546
00:19:31,847 --> 00:19:35,346
All: Yeah!
547
00:19:35,396 --> 00:19:39,946
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