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1
00:00:01,273 --> 00:00:03,156
[rock music]
2
00:00:03,241 --> 00:00:05,909
3
00:00:07,846 --> 00:00:09,329
Does that say "tea-bagging"?
4
00:00:09,414 --> 00:00:13,032
Yeah, we're studying
the American Revolution.
5
00:00:13,919 --> 00:00:16,920
Oh, but that just says "tea-bagging."
6
00:00:17,055 --> 00:00:18,972
No, I get it!
7
00:00:19,090 --> 00:00:21,090
Using your yoga Groupon
is much more important
8
00:00:21,176 --> 00:00:24,511
than supporting your kid's
broke-ass school!
9
00:00:26,097 --> 00:00:29,182
Mrs. Jacobson just same-day
canceled on me so she could
10
00:00:29,267 --> 00:00:32,519
taint-bait some yogi with
her downward dog.
11
00:00:32,604 --> 00:00:33,937
Deb, again?
12
00:00:34,072 --> 00:00:35,605
Every time you can't find
parent volunteers
13
00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:37,157
we're forced to do lunch duty.
14
00:00:37,275 --> 00:00:39,742
Yeah, and I'm not cut out
for manual labor, okay?
15
00:00:39,828 --> 00:00:42,162
I don't even vacuum. I own a Roomba.
16
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,531
Why am I the only one who has a problem
17
00:00:44,616 --> 00:00:46,783
getting these self-centered,
d-bag parents
18
00:00:46,868 --> 00:00:48,668
to come in and volunteer for me?
19
00:00:48,787 --> 00:00:51,588
- [clears throat]
- What?
20
00:00:53,925 --> 00:00:56,793
Maybe if you were a little less...
21
00:00:56,928 --> 00:00:59,212
- abrasive?
- [BLEEP] that!
22
00:00:59,297 --> 00:01:01,130
I'm not gonna mollycoddle a
bunch of whimpering
23
00:01:01,266 --> 00:01:02,432
adult babies.
24
00:01:02,517 --> 00:01:05,101
They can go prison-bang themselves.
25
00:01:05,187 --> 00:01:06,219
[snickering]
26
00:01:06,304 --> 00:01:07,270
What's so funny?
27
00:01:07,355 --> 00:01:09,722
Oh, no, no.
28
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,975
I'm working on my routine.
29
00:01:12,110 --> 00:01:14,477
The annual talent show at my
church is this weekend,
30
00:01:14,563 --> 00:01:17,897
and I'm gonna do a stand-up comedy.
31
00:01:17,983 --> 00:01:19,866
- Wanna hear a joke?
- Okay.
32
00:01:19,985 --> 00:01:24,037
Why do they always have so
many donuts after church?
33
00:01:24,155 --> 00:01:27,207
I mean, are we worshipping God...
34
00:01:27,325 --> 00:01:29,792
or getting fat?
35
00:01:29,878 --> 00:01:34,964
Do the math, people! [laughs]
36
00:01:35,050 --> 00:01:36,216
Right?
37
00:01:36,334 --> 00:01:38,334
Because of course we're worshipping God.
38
00:01:38,420 --> 00:01:41,087
Mary Louise, do yourself
and everyone else a favor...
39
00:01:41,172 --> 00:01:43,756
- And keeping writing new jokes!
- Okay.
40
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:45,842
I'd love to hear something edgier.
41
00:01:45,977 --> 00:01:48,261
All right, but bring your BAND-AIDs
42
00:01:48,346 --> 00:01:51,347
'cause someone might get cut. [laughs]
43
00:01:51,433 --> 00:01:52,842
[rock music]
44
00:01:52,867 --> 00:01:55,448
Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
45
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:56,986
Take down
46
00:01:57,072 --> 00:01:59,489
-
Surfboard
- Oh, Chelsea.
47
00:01:59,574 --> 00:02:01,024
-
Surfboard
- Chelsea?
48
00:02:01,109 --> 00:02:02,442
-
Surfboard
- Chelsea!
49
00:02:02,527 --> 00:02:03,860
Surfboard
50
00:02:03,995 --> 00:02:05,612
Could someone else please
tell this idiot
51
00:02:05,697 --> 00:02:07,530
that she has a new ESL student
coming in?
52
00:02:07,666 --> 00:02:09,999
Yeah, we're surfin'
'cause we're best friends
53
00:02:10,085 --> 00:02:11,668
- Ew.
-
And we're hangin' out
54
00:02:11,753 --> 00:02:12,702
- Stop.
- Okay,
55
00:02:12,837 --> 00:02:13,836
you have a new student today.
56
00:02:13,922 --> 00:02:15,421
Ooh, I hope they're stylish.
57
00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:17,290
This year my whole class
is off-the-rack.
58
00:02:17,375 --> 00:02:19,175
[whispering] Yeah.
59
00:02:19,261 --> 00:02:22,128
[rock music]
60
00:02:22,213 --> 00:02:25,548
61
00:02:25,634 --> 00:02:29,852
It's like looking at a room
full of Sears mannequins.
62
00:02:33,441 --> 00:02:36,476
Oh, my God, that's right off
the kids' runway in mini-Milan.
63
00:02:36,561 --> 00:02:38,027
Hey, sweetie!
64
00:02:38,113 --> 00:02:40,813
You must be my lucky new student.
65
00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:43,616
Ah, look at you! We could be twins!
66
00:02:43,735 --> 00:02:46,152
[laughs]
67
00:02:46,237 --> 00:02:49,238
Great dress.
68
00:02:49,324 --> 00:02:52,158
Usually when someone tells me
I have a nice dress
69
00:02:52,243 --> 00:02:54,077
I return the complement.
70
00:02:54,162 --> 00:02:56,162
Like, for instance,
you could compliment my
71
00:02:56,247 --> 00:02:59,656
perfectly arched eyebrows,
and protruding clavicle.
72
00:03:01,252 --> 00:03:05,004
A diva. I like it. What's you name?
73
00:03:05,090 --> 00:03:06,839
[speaks Swedish]
74
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:09,509
Oh, my God, you poor thing.
75
00:03:09,594 --> 00:03:12,762
You're not American!
76
00:03:12,897 --> 00:03:16,015
[rock music]
77
00:03:16,101 --> 00:03:18,318
78
00:03:18,436 --> 00:03:20,603
Hey, I need some volunteers
for lunch duty this week.
79
00:03:20,689 --> 00:03:22,739
- Sign up.
- Yeah, this week's bad.
80
00:03:22,824 --> 00:03:26,492
We're getting audited at work.
81
00:03:26,611 --> 00:03:28,945
- Sorry.
- No, I get it.
82
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,197
I had a dad who worked too much, too.
83
00:03:31,282 --> 00:03:34,167
We don't talk anymore,
so I'm no longer such a burden.
84
00:03:34,285 --> 00:03:37,003
Terry, help me out.
Lunch duty. I'm signing you up.
85
00:03:37,122 --> 00:03:38,621
So sorry, gotta take this!
86
00:03:38,707 --> 00:03:42,875
That's a Nutri-Grain bar, Terry!
87
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:46,262
Less abrasive. Less abrasive.
88
00:03:46,348 --> 00:03:48,965
Sir, excuse me! Sir...
89
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,601
Oh. Mrs. Foster. Ah, I'm so sorry.
90
00:03:51,686 --> 00:03:53,019
I was just wondering
if there was any way
91
00:03:53,138 --> 00:03:54,971
you could possibly sign up for lunch...
92
00:03:55,056 --> 00:03:56,305
Right.
93
00:03:56,441 --> 00:03:59,142
Took it up the ass and I didn't
even get a volunteer.
94
00:03:59,227 --> 00:04:00,309
[bell ringing]
95
00:04:00,395 --> 00:04:02,478
I mean, I know I'm beyond
amazing with kids,
96
00:04:02,564 --> 00:04:05,531
but never had a non-English
speaking student before.
97
00:04:05,650 --> 00:04:06,816
You'll be fine.
98
00:04:06,901 --> 00:04:09,035
I had this kid from Vietnam last year,
99
00:04:09,154 --> 00:04:11,287
he didn't learn much English from me,
100
00:04:11,373 --> 00:04:15,124
but now, I can say
"suck my [BLEEP]" in Vietnamese:
101
00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:17,210
[BLEEP]!
102
00:04:17,328 --> 00:04:20,129
You're right. My natural charm
transcends all languages.
103
00:04:20,215 --> 00:04:20,997
Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:21,082 --> 00:04:23,966
[cell phones chirping]
105
00:04:24,052 --> 00:04:27,170
Fan out. The sixth graders are
passing around porn again.
106
00:04:27,255 --> 00:04:28,504
[groans]
107
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,140
We're on erection detection
for the rest of the day.
108
00:04:31,226 --> 00:04:33,843
Nothing can derail
a lesson on the Apaches
109
00:04:33,978 --> 00:04:36,345
more than a kid's first public hard-on.
110
00:04:36,481 --> 00:04:37,346
Ugh.
111
00:04:37,482 --> 00:04:39,015
[rock music]
112
00:04:39,150 --> 00:04:41,851
Oh, oh, okay. Here's another edgy one.
113
00:04:41,936 --> 00:04:43,319
[sighs]
114
00:04:43,405 --> 00:04:46,022
Why do parents let their kids
watch Donald Duck?
115
00:04:46,157 --> 00:04:48,941
I mean, the guy's got no pants on.
116
00:04:49,027 --> 00:04:51,861
Do the math, people! [laughs]
117
00:04:51,946 --> 00:04:54,497
- [chuckles]
- I'm having fun!
118
00:04:54,582 --> 00:04:55,915
Wow.
119
00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:58,000
- These are really funny.
- I know.
120
00:04:58,086 --> 00:05:01,370
But I bet you would do even
better with observational humor.
121
00:05:01,456 --> 00:05:04,457
You know, everyday things
that everyone can relate to.
122
00:05:04,542 --> 00:05:07,210
Oh! Okay. I got it.
123
00:05:07,345 --> 00:05:10,930
Why do they call it a cafeteria?
124
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:14,767
I mean, it's not a cafe...
125
00:05:14,886 --> 00:05:17,887
and it's not a teria.
126
00:05:18,022 --> 00:05:20,807
Do the math, people! [laughs]
127
00:05:20,892 --> 00:05:25,311
Okay, somebody get a hose! I'm on fire.
128
00:05:25,396 --> 00:05:27,730
[rock music]
129
00:05:27,866 --> 00:05:30,032
Deb has got to get some volunteers.
130
00:05:30,118 --> 00:05:31,784
I haven't spent so much time
in the kitchen
131
00:05:31,903 --> 00:05:33,619
since my father fired
the staff for drinking.
132
00:05:33,738 --> 00:05:36,989
Actually, I snagged 300
frozen French toast sticks,
133
00:05:37,075 --> 00:05:39,075
so it worked out for me.
134
00:05:39,210 --> 00:05:42,245
Oh my God. Her boobs are huge!
135
00:05:42,330 --> 00:05:44,580
Hey! What did we tell you at lunch?
136
00:05:44,666 --> 00:05:46,916
No more porn.
137
00:05:47,001 --> 00:05:49,719
"Harry Pooter and the Sorcerer's Bone"?
138
00:05:49,804 --> 00:05:52,255
It's Mrs. Adler!
139
00:05:54,893 --> 00:05:57,093
That's how she paid for Oberlin.
140
00:05:59,042 --> 00:06:01,709
Take down
141
00:06:01,845 --> 00:06:03,928
Take down
142
00:06:04,047 --> 00:06:06,347
Last night, I re-watched
the movie that inspired me
143
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:07,882
to get into education.
144
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,018
It's about a teacher who works
with a foreign girl.
145
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,436
That's awesome. What's it called?
146
00:06:11,554 --> 00:06:13,805
- "The Miracle Worker."
- She's not foreign.
147
00:06:13,890 --> 00:06:17,025
She blind and deaf
and she's Helen Keller.
148
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,893
Whatever, it gave me hope for Annika.
149
00:06:19,029 --> 00:06:22,530
Hope for Annika. That will be
the title of our movie.
150
00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:24,732
Hey, guys! Check it out.
151
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:27,452
I got a stand-up comedy
blazer last night.
152
00:06:27,570 --> 00:06:29,070
And I wrote some of those
153
00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:31,239
observational jokes you suggested.
154
00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:33,741
- Wanna hear one?
- Okay.
155
00:06:33,877 --> 00:06:36,494
Hey, ladies!
I've been noticing a lot of you
156
00:06:36,579 --> 00:06:38,413
have been wearing sneakers.
157
00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:41,582
Why do they call 'em sneakers?
They're not sneaky.
158
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:43,501
They're right there! On your feet!
159
00:06:43,586 --> 00:06:45,336
Do the math, people! [laughs]
160
00:06:45,422 --> 00:06:48,556
Is that a joke? Oh, [laughs].
161
00:06:48,641 --> 00:06:53,428
That is, my time! I'm out!
162
00:06:54,764 --> 00:06:56,514
We can't let you go on like this.
163
00:06:56,599 --> 00:06:58,816
Yeah. That's the worse thing
that's ever happened to me,
164
00:06:58,935 --> 00:07:00,902
and I was water-boarded
to get into my sorority.
165
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:04,439
We need to talk to you. It's about Deb.
166
00:07:04,574 --> 00:07:07,525
I've been a bad wizard.
167
00:07:07,610 --> 00:07:09,360
Oh, no!
168
00:07:09,446 --> 00:07:10,778
[whip slap] Ah!
169
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,864
- Eah!
- Ah! Ah!
170
00:07:12,949 --> 00:07:17,702
If you're good,
I'll put it in your Dumbledore.
171
00:07:17,787 --> 00:07:22,540
Heerah! Whooooa!
172
00:07:22,625 --> 00:07:24,592
I mean, it has to be her, right?
173
00:07:24,677 --> 00:07:27,795
No, no! I mean,
I know Deb has a fiery temper,
174
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:31,549
but I can't imagine she'd spank
a poor old wizard like that.
175
00:07:31,634 --> 00:07:33,634
Well, if it is her, she should be proud.
176
00:07:33,770 --> 00:07:36,220
This is the best parody porn
I've seen since
177
00:07:36,306 --> 00:07:37,555
"Who's Eating Out Gilbert Grape."
178
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:39,474
- Someone should warn her.
- Not me.
179
00:07:39,559 --> 00:07:41,275
If there's one person
who would kill the messenger,
180
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,610
- it's Deb.
- Yeah.
181
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:44,312
I'm not gonna be the one to tell her
182
00:07:44,447 --> 00:07:46,230
the entire school
has seen her sodomize Voldemort
183
00:07:46,316 --> 00:07:49,150
with a Quidditch broom.
184
00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:54,072
Ah! Ah! Ah...
185
00:07:54,157 --> 00:07:57,075
[rock music]
186
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,494
187
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,079
What are you doing in my class?
188
00:08:01,164 --> 00:08:04,665
Hi, Ben Ross, Matt's dad.
I'm here to submit.
189
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:07,001
- To be a volunteer.
- Yeah, me too.
190
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:11,672
Tell us whatever you want us to
do, and we will do it.
191
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,424
Are you guys yanking my chain?
192
00:08:13,510 --> 00:08:16,260
- Do you want us too?
- What?
193
00:08:16,346 --> 00:08:19,013
No one ever volunteers for me.
194
00:08:19,149 --> 00:08:21,232
Why are you all suddenly here?
195
00:08:21,351 --> 00:08:24,235
Because I admire the work you do.
196
00:08:24,354 --> 00:08:25,570
Yes, same here.
197
00:08:25,688 --> 00:08:28,489
I recently became aware
of your amazing work.
198
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:30,525
We will do whatever you tell us.
199
00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,610
- Yes.
- [all laugh]
200
00:08:32,695 --> 00:08:36,197
Okay, um, uh, you guys
are on hot lunch duty.
201
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:37,698
Hot.
202
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:40,535
Go to the cafeteria and toss some salad.
203
00:08:40,670 --> 00:08:43,204
He's gonna need a partner.
May I go with?
204
00:08:43,339 --> 00:08:44,872
- Fine.
- Yes!
205
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:49,377
Uh, and the rest of you...
go organize the shelves.
206
00:08:51,181 --> 00:08:52,463
Wanna help? Get on your knees!
207
00:08:52,549 --> 00:08:55,266
Now we're talking! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
208
00:08:55,385 --> 00:08:57,852
[chuckles]
209
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:01,022
Now!
210
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:02,690
Wa-ter.
211
00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:03,975
[speaking Swedish]
212
00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:06,227
Say it. Wa-ter.
213
00:09:07,897 --> 00:09:09,564
No. Water.
214
00:09:11,201 --> 00:09:12,733
Oh!
215
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:14,452
I see so much of myself in you!
216
00:09:14,571 --> 00:09:16,737
And I don't want you to fail me!
217
00:09:16,873 --> 00:09:19,907
Hey, Annie Sullivan,
you shouldn't do that.
218
00:09:20,043 --> 00:09:22,210
I will use any means
to break through to her.
219
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,495
No, Deb drank from that water fountain.
220
00:09:24,581 --> 00:09:26,247
- Hmm.
- Do you want to get
221
00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:29,300
Oral Hogwarts?
222
00:09:29,419 --> 00:09:31,052
Group A, go to my class,
223
00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:33,554
put up the great women
in history mobiles.
224
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,090
Group B, go litter patrol
the playground.
225
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:40,645
Hey, guys, I'm totally
overwhelmed with volunteers.
226
00:09:40,763 --> 00:09:42,013
Do either of you need some?
227
00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:43,764
- Actually, Deb...
- Well, tough [BLEEP]!
228
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:47,602
Maybe you should try
being a little more...abrasive.
229
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,108
[rock music]
230
00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:59,484
Take down
231
00:09:59,603 --> 00:10:01,403
Take down
232
00:10:04,532 --> 00:10:05,959
Thank you.
233
00:10:07,244 --> 00:10:10,078
Do, Deb, have you wondered
why you suddenly
234
00:10:10,164 --> 00:10:12,080
have so many male volunteers?
235
00:10:12,166 --> 00:10:13,915
I guess guys are just learning to be
236
00:10:14,001 --> 00:10:16,785
less intimidated by a strong woman.
237
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,954
Scrub those dishes harder!
238
00:10:19,089 --> 00:10:23,041
Yes, mistress! Much harder.
239
00:10:23,127 --> 00:10:26,511
Deb, there's something you should see.
240
00:10:26,630 --> 00:10:31,433
If you behave, I'll let you
tear my Hermione.
241
00:10:31,518 --> 00:10:33,018
Oh, my God!
242
00:10:33,137 --> 00:10:36,471
I'm in awe. Porn has always
been my dream job
243
00:10:36,607 --> 00:10:39,691
if teaching falls through,
and now, thanks to you,
244
00:10:39,810 --> 00:10:43,979
I feel like if I have to,
I can reach for the stars.
245
00:10:44,064 --> 00:10:45,397
That's not me.
246
00:10:45,482 --> 00:10:47,366
Deb, you don't have to be ashamed.
247
00:10:47,484 --> 00:10:50,319
I watched the whole thing.
You have a beautiful vagina.
248
00:10:50,454 --> 00:10:53,872
I told you, that's not me!
She just looks like me.
249
00:10:53,991 --> 00:10:56,658
Guys, check out this tattoo.
250
00:10:56,744 --> 00:10:58,210
Oh.
251
00:10:58,329 --> 00:11:00,829
Why'd you get a Chuckie
tattoo on your boob?
252
00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:02,381
It's my husband!
253
00:11:02,499 --> 00:11:05,384
And she doesn't have that tattoo.
254
00:11:05,502 --> 00:11:06,968
Oh, my God.
255
00:11:07,054 --> 00:11:11,223
So that's why
all those dudes volunteered?
256
00:11:11,342 --> 00:11:13,592
I gotta go set them straight.
257
00:11:20,150 --> 00:11:22,017
What? I'm not taking any chances.
258
00:11:22,152 --> 00:11:24,519
She may have gang-banged
all of Hufflepuff.
259
00:11:24,605 --> 00:11:27,105
Hey, guys? Uh, listen,
260
00:11:27,191 --> 00:11:29,691
there's something
I need to tell all of you.
261
00:11:29,777 --> 00:11:32,327
You can tell us anything you want.
262
00:11:32,413 --> 00:11:35,197
Holy crap. You really got
those things clean.
263
00:11:35,282 --> 00:11:36,531
If you find anything dirty,
264
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:39,034
you're fully within
your rights to punish us.
265
00:11:39,169 --> 00:11:40,419
Oh, [laughs],
266
00:11:40,537 --> 00:11:42,754
that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
267
00:11:42,873 --> 00:11:46,007
I didn't have anything to do,
so I took your keys
268
00:11:46,093 --> 00:11:47,259
and had your car detailed.
269
00:11:47,378 --> 00:11:48,877
Oh, and I filled up the tank, too.
270
00:11:48,962 --> 00:11:50,545
- You did?
- Hey, I'm done,
271
00:11:50,681 --> 00:11:52,297
so if you want,
I can give you a foot massage.
272
00:11:52,383 --> 00:11:54,716
I can drop off your dry cleaning.
273
00:11:54,802 --> 00:11:56,601
Wait, what did you want to tell us?
274
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,521
That...
275
00:12:01,275 --> 00:12:04,192
I don't think you're
working hard enough.
276
00:12:04,278 --> 00:12:06,645
So you are gonna pick up
my dry cleaning,
277
00:12:06,730 --> 00:12:08,947
you are gonna give me that foot massage,
278
00:12:09,066 --> 00:12:11,483
and the rest of you, back to work
279
00:12:11,568 --> 00:12:15,153
before I have to discipline someone.
280
00:12:18,742 --> 00:12:21,910
[speaking Swedish]
281
00:12:23,664 --> 00:12:26,331
Ugh, it is so depressing.
282
00:12:26,417 --> 00:12:28,467
I just want to go to my room,
troll Tinder,
283
00:12:28,585 --> 00:12:30,419
and eat cookie dough
until my mouth bleeds.
284
00:12:30,504 --> 00:12:31,803
Maybe you should take a break.
285
00:12:31,922 --> 00:12:33,138
You're not a failure if you
286
00:12:33,257 --> 00:12:35,140
don't get through to her right away.
287
00:12:35,259 --> 00:12:37,225
No, she'll never learn if she
288
00:12:37,311 --> 00:12:39,845
keeps acting like a filthy animal!
289
00:12:39,930 --> 00:12:41,513
Hey! Yeah...
290
00:12:41,598 --> 00:12:43,348
- Ooh!
- [gasp]
291
00:12:44,485 --> 00:12:46,518
[whimpers]
292
00:12:46,603 --> 00:12:48,687
She hit me with tater tots!
293
00:12:48,772 --> 00:12:50,071
[rock music]
294
00:12:50,157 --> 00:12:54,242
Do the math, people! [laughs]
295
00:12:54,328 --> 00:12:55,861
Mary Louise, listen,
296
00:12:55,946 --> 00:12:57,863
we're concerned about your stand-up act.
297
00:12:57,948 --> 00:13:00,916
You are a sweet, kind and smart...
298
00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:02,334
ly dressed woman, but...
299
00:13:02,453 --> 00:13:03,618
We think you should do something else
300
00:13:03,704 --> 00:13:05,036
for the talent show, okay?
301
00:13:05,122 --> 00:13:07,789
Something you're good at, like...
302
00:13:07,875 --> 00:13:10,208
Speed reciting proverbs
or the Irish tin whistle.
303
00:13:10,294 --> 00:13:13,295
Yes! Those are always a hit
at the holiday parties.
304
00:13:13,430 --> 00:13:16,965
- Oh, I get it.
- Oh, thank Gaia.
305
00:13:17,050 --> 00:13:19,100
- You're jealous.
- Come again.
306
00:13:19,186 --> 00:13:21,770
I've been cracking you guys up all week,
307
00:13:21,855 --> 00:13:23,188
and you're jealous.
308
00:13:23,307 --> 00:13:25,474
I can't help it if God
309
00:13:25,609 --> 00:13:28,360
chooses some of us to be hysterical
310
00:13:28,479 --> 00:13:30,779
and funny, and get all the jokes.
311
00:13:30,864 --> 00:13:33,532
And everybody's like, "Oh, Mary Louise
312
00:13:33,650 --> 00:13:36,201
and her little khakis
and her little cardigans."
313
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:37,786
Well, not anymore.
314
00:13:37,871 --> 00:13:40,455
'Cause I've been getting
knee-slappers and guffaws,
315
00:13:40,541 --> 00:13:42,240
and know that I have the power.
316
00:13:42,326 --> 00:13:45,627
I will see you on "Last Comic Standing"
317
00:13:45,712 --> 00:13:47,996
in the fall.
318
00:13:50,334 --> 00:13:53,668
Do the math, people!
319
00:13:56,974 --> 00:14:00,091
[speaking Swedish]
320
00:14:02,229 --> 00:14:05,146
Annika, no. Stop.
321
00:14:08,068 --> 00:14:09,518
Forget it.
322
00:14:14,274 --> 00:14:15,690
Kim Kardashian.
323
00:14:18,745 --> 00:14:19,861
What did you just say?
324
00:14:19,997 --> 00:14:22,030
Kim Kardashian.
325
00:14:24,251 --> 00:14:27,035
Yes! Kim Kardashian!
326
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:30,088
[inspirational music]
327
00:14:30,207 --> 00:14:38,346
328
00:14:42,719 --> 00:14:45,554
Kim Kardashian
likes sex and money. Repeat.
329
00:14:45,639 --> 00:14:47,556
Kim Kardashian likes sex and money.
330
00:14:47,691 --> 00:14:48,890
Yes!
331
00:14:49,026 --> 00:14:52,060
Jenny McCarthy thinks
she's a doctor. Repeat.
332
00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:54,396
Jenny McCarthy thinks she's a doctor.
333
00:14:54,481 --> 00:14:55,614
Yes!
334
00:14:55,732 --> 00:14:58,483
Victoria Beckham
can't feel happiness. Repeat.
335
00:14:58,569 --> 00:15:00,702
Victoria Beckham can't feel happiness.
336
00:15:00,787 --> 00:15:03,705
Yes! Yes!
337
00:15:03,790 --> 00:15:05,206
[laughs]
338
00:15:05,292 --> 00:15:09,044
I'm an amazing teacher. [sobs]
339
00:15:09,129 --> 00:15:12,247
If it'll excite you,
I can clean out your drawers.
340
00:15:12,382 --> 00:15:13,748
Shove it up your ass.
341
00:15:13,834 --> 00:15:15,333
Sure. What?
342
00:15:15,419 --> 00:15:16,668
Oh, no, that's not what I meant.
343
00:15:16,753 --> 00:15:17,886
Take off, you weirdo.
344
00:15:22,259 --> 00:15:26,061
What are you looking at?
345
00:15:26,146 --> 00:15:28,897
Ugh, I hate you!
346
00:15:28,982 --> 00:15:31,483
Stop sniffing my bag!
347
00:15:31,602 --> 00:15:34,936
Make yourself useful.
I'll get some rubber gloves.
348
00:15:35,022 --> 00:15:35,937
Rubber!
349
00:15:36,023 --> 00:15:37,989
So you can scrape the gum
350
00:15:38,108 --> 00:15:39,774
off the bottoms of the desks.
351
00:15:39,910 --> 00:15:42,611
- Bottom!
- Oh, Jesus!
352
00:15:45,532 --> 00:15:49,284
Oh! Mr. Sebastian!
353
00:15:49,419 --> 00:15:52,337
Enough, you assholes!
354
00:15:52,456 --> 00:15:55,123
I'm not a porn star!
355
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:58,426
I just look like that
woman in the videos.
356
00:16:00,681 --> 00:16:02,631
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
357
00:16:02,766 --> 00:16:04,799
Your love for your children
should motivate you
358
00:16:04,935 --> 00:16:07,018
to volunteer, not your sick perversions!
359
00:16:07,137 --> 00:16:11,306
I mean, I swear I've never even
seen most of you before.
360
00:16:11,441 --> 00:16:13,808
You! What's your kid's name?
361
00:16:17,147 --> 00:16:18,780
I knew it.
362
00:16:18,865 --> 00:16:20,649
But you act just like that porn star.
363
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:23,485
Yeah, you're such a dominating bitch.
364
00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:26,621
I know. Just not professionally.
365
00:16:26,707 --> 00:16:29,157
I teach your children and all I'm asking
366
00:16:29,242 --> 00:16:31,376
is for a little help here.
367
00:16:31,495 --> 00:16:35,747
Now, who's gonna step up
and volunteer next week?
368
00:16:42,089 --> 00:16:43,672
Unbelievable!
369
00:16:43,757 --> 00:16:47,175
Hello? I have to pick up
my daughter at ballet.
370
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,426
Ohh!
371
00:16:49,897 --> 00:16:51,230
Take down
372
00:16:51,315 --> 00:16:52,948
[both laughing]
373
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:55,234
Nicki Minaj likes Laffy Taffy.
374
00:16:55,370 --> 00:16:57,737
Do you like Laffy Taffy
like Nicki Minaj?
375
00:16:57,822 --> 00:17:01,574
Yes, I like Laffy Taffy
like Nicki Minaj.
376
00:17:01,709 --> 00:17:05,211
[laughs] Excellent.
Let's go do each other's nails.
377
00:17:05,296 --> 00:17:06,746
I can't tell if she's the best teacher
378
00:17:06,831 --> 00:17:08,631
I've ever seen or the worst
teacher I've ever seen.
379
00:17:08,750 --> 00:17:10,883
I know what the "Hope for
Annika" poster going to say:
380
00:17:10,968 --> 00:17:13,219
"It wasn't Ms. Snap who saved Annika,
381
00:17:13,304 --> 00:17:16,422
it was Annika who saved Ms. Snap."
382
00:17:18,426 --> 00:17:19,925
She's the worst.
383
00:17:20,061 --> 00:17:21,177
[rock music]
384
00:17:21,262 --> 00:17:23,262
- What's up?
- Heading out?
385
00:17:23,398 --> 00:17:25,848
Yeah. I'm going to see
"Comfortably Numb, Mate."
386
00:17:25,933 --> 00:17:29,402
They're an Australian Pink Floyd
cover band. Wanna come?
387
00:17:29,487 --> 00:17:32,104
Mm, I can't.
388
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,656
Too much homework to grade.
389
00:17:33,775 --> 00:17:35,775
Sucks you lost all your
sex slave volunteers.
390
00:17:35,910 --> 00:17:37,827
Believe me, it's better this way.
391
00:17:37,945 --> 00:17:40,996
There's nothing enjoyable
about having a weak man
392
00:17:41,115 --> 00:17:42,915
groveling to fulfill your every need.
393
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,618
Totally. Smell ya later.
394
00:17:48,339 --> 00:17:50,854
These calluses are making me so hot.
395
00:17:50,915 --> 00:17:52,915
Shut up and work the urges.
396
00:17:57,207 --> 00:17:59,532
Have you ever get an email, from the dentist?
397
00:17:59,973 --> 00:18:03,305
Telling it's not be get you teeth clean and you are like...
398
00:18:03,773 --> 00:18:07,899
I don't want to get my teeth clean,
do the math, people.
399
00:18:08,026 --> 00:18:09,163
[Laughings]
400
00:18:09,230 --> 00:18:10,856
What the deal with crabs?
401
00:18:10,950 --> 00:18:14,036
Why do they walk like this,
do the math people.
402
00:18:14,950 --> 00:18:17,283
What's the deal with baby carrots?
403
00:18:17,550 --> 00:18:19,550
What if there is a bunch of carrots
going around having babies?
404
00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:22,766
Do the math, people.
405
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:27,660
Thanks God. Help me to stay humble.
406
00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:32,260
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