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1
00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:06,638
Rosie...
2
00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:12,511
What are you
doing this time?
3
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:15,414
I'm directing your
sperms where to go.
4
00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:18,517
Please...
5
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:19,585
I think my boys
6
00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:21,787
Know their way around
a fallopian tube.
7
00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:22,921
I don't know, Dan.
8
00:00:22,922 --> 00:00:23,989
I think they're
getting old.
9
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:26,058
I hear 'em wheezing
around in there.
10
00:00:27,794 --> 00:00:29,461
I hate these
damn boxers.
11
00:00:29,462 --> 00:00:30,529
Well, tough.
12
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:31,864
The doctor on Oprah
13
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,332
Said that it makes
your equipment
14
00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:35,267
Work better.
15
00:00:35,268 --> 00:00:36,769
I'm a brief man, Rosie.
16
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,237
Tell me about it.
17
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,541
Been making me
wear these things
18
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:43,542
For three months now.
19
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:44,810
They just don't
feel natural.
20
00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:47,179
Well, then don't wear
any underwear at all.
21
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:49,081
Oh, that's just wrong.
22
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,251
Well, I don't know
why you bothered
23
00:00:52,252 --> 00:00:53,819
To even put 'em
back on, Dan.
24
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,921
We're going again
in 20 minutes.
25
00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:00,325
Well, you better have
something special planned,
26
00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:02,995
Cause I don't
know if I can.
27
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:04,930
Well, you think
it's so tough for you.
28
00:01:04,931 --> 00:01:06,398
Gee, I feel
like stapling
29
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:08,067
A picture
of Montel Williams
30
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,501
To your forehead.
31
00:01:13,473 --> 00:01:14,907
Where are you going?
32
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,475
Well, Mrs. Withers
down the block
33
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:17,976
Wants a baby
too, so...
34
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:20,846
All right, i'll stay.
35
00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:23,682
Oh, poor Dan.
36
00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:26,018
He has to sit here
on the bed with me
37
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,419
For two minutes
and do nothing
38
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:31,290
While me and god
create a life.
39
00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:33,225
Maybe my sperms
are just waiting
40
00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:34,960
For your egg
to shut up.
41
00:01:36,996 --> 00:01:39,031
Oh, Dan, I know
that we're both
42
00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:44,536
You know,
i've been thinking.
43
00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:47,272
When this kid graduates
high school, i'll be 60.
44
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:48,774
Well, it's one
of our kids, Dan,
45
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:51,110
So you'll probably be
more like 65 or 70.
46
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:56,849
Be too old even to
play ball with him.
47
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,084
Odds are half my life's
over already.
48
00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:01,286
If this kid has to
grow up without a father
49
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,022
Is that fair to him?
50
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:04,189
I'm scared, Roseanne.
51
00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:05,524
This whole thing's
52
00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:06,759
Making me think
about death.
53
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:07,793
Well, think about
54
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,094
Whatever you
have to, Dan.
55
00:02:09,095 --> 00:02:11,130
We're going again
in 20 minutes.
56
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,065
[theme]
57
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:10,022
Hey, David.
58
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,957
Morning. Mr. Conner,
why are all these dates
59
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:14,093
Circled on
this calendar?
60
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,362
Well, you see, David,
61
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:18,530
That's Mrs. Conner's
ovulation schedule.
62
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:22,801
No, really.
What is it?
63
00:03:22,802 --> 00:03:24,636
No, David, it's true.
64
00:03:24,637 --> 00:03:26,472
You see, two weeks ago
was the last time
65
00:03:26,473 --> 00:03:28,474
Mrs. Conner was fertile.
66
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:31,610
So these are the days
that you guys...
67
00:03:31,611 --> 00:03:32,745
Ovulate.
68
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:36,315
Oh, my god.
69
00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:37,616
[door closes]
70
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:39,351
Hi.
Hey.
71
00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:40,986
Roseanne, i'm here.
72
00:03:40,987 --> 00:03:43,422
I got the test.
This one feels lucky.
73
00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:46,859
Can I get some coffee?
74
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,260
No, let's go
set up the test
75
00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:50,229
And then have coffee
while you wait for it.
76
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,730
I don't want
any coffee.
77
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,733
Oh, mood swings.
That's a good sign.
78
00:03:57,103 --> 00:03:59,038
I started.
79
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:00,305
What?
80
00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:02,374
I got my period.
81
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,643
Damn.
82
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:05,911
Yeah, well,
you better go.
83
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,546
You don't want
to be late for work.
84
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,150
[sighs heavily]
85
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,454
Better start loading up
on my protein again.
86
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,490
Call me if you
need anything.
87
00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:19,658
Okay.
88
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,795
Well, the good news
is i'll be able
89
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:25,731
To start
drinking again.
90
00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:27,833
[sobs]
don't be upset, Jackie.
91
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,169
You'll still be
the family drunk.
92
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,239
I'm pregnant.
93
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,109
What?
94
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,878
Fred's the father,
and I haven't even told him yet.
95
00:04:39,879 --> 00:04:42,181
It just happened
that one time we went out together.
96
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:43,782
I mean,
what are the odds?
97
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,051
Jackie, you're pregnant?
98
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,855
Have you thought about
what you want to--
99
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,423
Well, i'm gonna
keep it.
100
00:04:51,424 --> 00:04:53,625
I mean, I want to
'cause...
101
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:55,361
Could be my
last chance to...
102
00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:57,363
Oh, I just...
103
00:04:57,364 --> 00:04:58,764
Say that you're
happy for me
104
00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:00,065
Even if you
don't mean it,
105
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:01,166
But please
mean it.
106
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,601
Oh, yeah, yeah.
107
00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:04,870
I'm happy for you,
Jackie, yeah.
108
00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:06,939
I mean, i'd be
happier for you
109
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,607
If it was me.
110
00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:12,177
I wanted you
to be pregnant too
111
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,880
So then we could
get pregnant together.
112
00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:18,117
Well, it's not too late.
Let's get Fred over here.
113
00:05:24,691 --> 00:05:27,359
I don't--I don't know if
I can do this, Roseanne.
114
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,462
I'm not like you.
I'm not the mothering type.
115
00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:32,664
Remember that doll I had
that wet itself?
116
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,299
I just thought it was
too much trouble,
117
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,135
So I stopped
giving it water.
118
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:39,938
Well, you were
just a kid then.
119
00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:41,407
That doesn't mean
that you will
120
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:42,808
Be a bad mother.
121
00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:45,911
I mean, gee, at least
you bottle-fed it.
122
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,446
I used to rip
its head off
123
00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:49,481
And fill it
under the tap.
124
00:05:53,586 --> 00:05:55,054
Then last night
I had this dream
125
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,555
That the baby
was already born
126
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:57,856
And I put it
down somewhere
127
00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:00,025
And then I couldn't
remember where I put it.
128
00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:05,597
Oh, every mom has
that dream, Jackie.
129
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:07,966
You just reach in
through the back of the crib,
130
00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:09,735
You know, into
the dragon's mouth,
131
00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:11,170
And then you
get that banana,
132
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:12,538
Bring it out,
blow on it.
133
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:13,972
It turns back
into the baby,
134
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:15,641
And then you
just fly away.
135
00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:20,412
Just i'm really scared.
136
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:22,081
Well, you don't
need to be, Jackie.
137
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,450
I'm here for you,
and me and you can do this together.
138
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:26,485
What if the kid
doesn't love me,
139
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:29,355
Or what if I don't
love the kid?
140
00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:32,024
That's not
gonna happen.
141
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,399
What are you doing?
142
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,334
I'm trying to see
my eyebrows.
143
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,276
Just tell me
that you love him.
144
00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,312
Please, just tell me
that you love him.
145
00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:04,356
Well, Roseanne,
here I am.
146
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,058
What news is
so important
147
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,659
I had to hop
in the car
148
00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:08,961
And race right
over here.
149
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,030
Oh, um, well I
forgot to tell you.
150
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,631
Your brakes are shot.
151
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,801
Okay, mom...
152
00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:18,637
I have something very
important to tell you.
153
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:21,173
It's a big one.
154
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,375
I need you to sit
in this chair here.
155
00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:24,943
Come over here.
Just stay very calm.
156
00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:27,680
Okay, whatever you do,
don't get upset,
157
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:31,817
And, mom, keep
an open mind.
158
00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:33,152
Jackie's pregnant.
159
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:36,088
Oh, my god!
Mom...
160
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:39,892
Well, I always knew
something like this would happen.
161
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,894
She got married
and didn't invite me.
162
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:44,096
No, mom, she did not
get married.
163
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,297
She just got pregnant,
164
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,000
And you're right,
she didn't invite you.
165
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,069
Oh, my--
oh, no.
166
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,338
She'll never get
her reputation back.
167
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:53,505
Listen to me, mom.
168
00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:54,807
This is her reputation.
169
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,075
This is awful!
170
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,543
You know that
sawyer girl
171
00:07:57,544 --> 00:07:59,311
Who had a baby
without a husband?
172
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,713
She went insane!
173
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,614
Oh, my god.
174
00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:04,817
I just keep thinking what
would your father say? Shh, shh...
175
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,218
What would
my father say?
176
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:07,853
Mom!
177
00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:14,560
Get some control here.
178
00:08:14,561 --> 00:08:16,895
Now, Jackie is
going to need us,
179
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:18,597
And we are going
to have to be
180
00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:19,765
Very supportive,
okay?
181
00:08:19,766 --> 00:08:21,967
I want you to repeat
after me, mom.
182
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,470
I will be supportive.
183
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:32,644
I will be supportive.
184
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:42,421
Well, I suppose it's
nice i'm gonna have another grandchild.
185
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,156
There you go, mom.
186
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:46,992
Mom.
187
00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:48,093
Um, Jackie...
188
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:50,262
Uh, I...
189
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,064
Got something
to tell you.
190
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,966
Uh, Jackie...
191
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,300
Mom and me
were just talking.
192
00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:56,869
Well, just--just
a second, Roseanne.
193
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,138
There's something I
want to tell my mother.
194
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:02,374
Mom, um, i'm pregnant.
195
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,510
I went out with a guy
I hardly know,
196
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:06,712
We had sex for hours,
and I got pregnant.
197
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,152
And i'm not
gonna marry him.
198
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,121
I'm keeping the baby,
199
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:18,390
And if it's a girl
i'm naming it Gidget.
200
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,761
What if it's a boy?
201
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:25,464
What?
202
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:27,533
What are you gonna
name it if it's a boy?
203
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,802
What about that rock
singer you like so much?
204
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,036
Uh, bongo?
205
00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:32,638
What--what's she
talking about?
206
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:34,173
I think she
means ringo.
207
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,974
Yes, ringo.
208
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:37,343
That's pretty jazzy.
209
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,047
No, wh--what's
happening here?
210
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,882
You heard your
unmarried daughter
211
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,517
Told you that
she's pregnant.
212
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:48,020
I heard her, dear.
213
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:51,957
And I want you to know
i'll be there for you.
214
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:54,993
I've never been
one to judge.
215
00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:57,830
Oh, thank god
for that.
216
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,668
You told her,
didn't you.
217
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:06,238
Well, I--I just wanted
to soften the blow.
218
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:09,475
But I didn't want
this blow to be soft.
219
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,276
This was the one,
the one.
220
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,679
This is the moment
i've been waiting for all my life.
221
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:14,913
This one could
have killed her!
222
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:20,586
Jackie, if you believe
in reincarnation at all,
223
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,488
Perhaps this is not
the perfect time
224
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,723
To kill mom, if you
know what I mean.
225
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,159
Well, when you
did tell her,
226
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,094
Did she at least,
like, faint
227
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:30,429
Or turn blue
or something?
228
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,664
No!
Well, you didn't do it right!
229
00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:36,301
You--you have to let
me tell people, okay?
230
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,503
Okay, I promise.
231
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:39,405
I'm not gonna tell
anybody else anyways.
232
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,873
I mean, besides Dan.
233
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,575
Oh, um, Jackie,
could I--
234
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,978
Could I please
tell Nancy too?
235
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,447
No.
236
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:52,251
I already did,
and I told Darlene too.
237
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,619
Hey, ladies.
238
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:56,955
Roseanne...
I swear to god.
239
00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,290
Hey, Roseanne,
240
00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,626
I'm sorry I wasn't
around when you called.
241
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:06,465
See, he doesn't know
and that counts
242
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:08,133
That I didn't tell him.
243
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:10,936
What was so
important?
244
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:14,073
Uh, oh, I couldn't
get the li--lid off,
245
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,342
Uh, these
pickles there.
246
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,110
There.
[forced chuckle]
247
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,583
Man, you're strong.
248
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:27,619
Anything else?
249
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,722
No, that's about it.
250
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,457
How 'bout you,
Jackie?
251
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,459
Need anything off
a high shelf?
252
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:35,661
Uh, Fred, I am not
ready to talk
253
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,129
About stuff
on the high shelf.
254
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:39,131
The stuff that is there
is not going anywhere.
255
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,666
When I am ready
to discuss it,
256
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:43,168
I will be the one
to call you down here, not Roseanne!
257
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:50,175
You just had
to keep pushing,
258
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:51,610
Didn't you, Fred.
259
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:05,824
You know, I was
just examining
260
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:08,293
Our calendar of love.
261
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:11,196
Seems I am to
service you tonight.
262
00:12:11,197 --> 00:12:13,432
First, the seduction.
263
00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:20,372
Ah, well,
not now, Dan.
264
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,341
I got too many
troubles with Jackie.
265
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:23,976
She doesn't have
a single clue
266
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,844
About this whole
pregnancy thing, you know?
267
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,313
She's talking about
having natural childbirth.
268
00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:30,149
With no drugs.
269
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:31,950
[frightened groan]
270
00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:35,921
You should show her
the scar I gave you when I had d.J.
271
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:39,892
Four stitches,
saw the bone.
272
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,994
Well, next time i'll
take the hand wound
273
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,830
And you can have
the episiotomy.
274
00:12:44,831 --> 00:12:46,498
Well, that killed
the mood.
275
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:50,269
You know...
276
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,371
If Jackie would only
tell Fred about this,
277
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,940
Then he could be here
helping her with this instead of you.
278
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,375
He really should know.
279
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:57,843
Please, Dan,
it's bad enough
280
00:12:57,844 --> 00:12:59,712
That Jackie knows.
281
00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,647
Well, this is
their problem.
282
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,515
We're gonna have
our own kid.
283
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:06,251
Dan, I can hardly
have a baby
284
00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:08,854
When Jackie's
gonna have one.
285
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:11,924
What? Hold on
a damn minute here.
286
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,525
You had a fit
to have this kid.
287
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,761
You put me on
a sex schedule.
288
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:17,129
You took away
my underpants.
289
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,164
You don't take away
a man's underpants, Roseanne,
290
00:13:19,165 --> 00:13:20,632
And then change
your mind!
291
00:13:21,735 --> 00:13:23,502
Well, Jackie needs me.
292
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,270
What makes you
think that?
293
00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:27,206
Because she
told me so.
294
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:28,574
She is just
absolutely
295
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:29,608
Terrified, Dan,
296
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,210
That if I have
a baby too
297
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,778
That I will not be
around, you know,
298
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,079
And available
to help her.
299
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,914
She got down on her
knees and begged me.
300
00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:37,182
That's great.
301
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:39,351
Let's just put
our lives on hold for Jackie.
302
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,887
Well, we can
still have sex.
303
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:43,122
Here.
304
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,157
Just wear that.
305
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,059
You know how
I get around.
306
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,293
I'm angry at you,
307
00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:49,495
And when i'm
angry at you,
308
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:50,596
I'm not in the mood.
309
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:51,930
Oh, since when?
310
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:53,832
Just turn off the light
and don't talk.
311
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,300
Don't tell me
what to do!
312
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,348
[groans]
313
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,793
And I figure it
isn't a shower
314
00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:23,495
Without entertainment.
315
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:25,064
Well, Nancy,
I don't think
316
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,865
That a stripper
is appropriate
317
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:30,135
Entertainment
for a baby shower.
318
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:31,904
I think it's
a really cool idea.
319
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,539
He strips down
to his diaper,
320
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,441
And then he sits
on everybody's lap.
321
00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:42,448
What's the matter?
322
00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:44,083
Your stomach
bothering you?
323
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:45,551
No. No, I told you
324
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,820
I don't have morning
sickness, okay?
325
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:50,422
You know, you should
eat a saltine.
326
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:51,590
I don't want a saltine.
327
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:52,991
It'll make you
feel better.
328
00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:54,660
Roseanne...
Come on, for me.
329
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,100
Hey, Jackie.
330
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,369
Fred. Dan.
331
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:04,770
You know, lately
I get the feeling
332
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:05,838
You've been wanting
333
00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:07,039
To talk to me
about something.
334
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:12,311
Um, yeah, Fred,
I sort of did.
335
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,446
But I don't.
336
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:16,882
You know, Jackie,
337
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:20,019
Fred's had the same dog
for 10 years.
338
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:26,291
I did not
know that, Dan.
339
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:27,459
Thank you for
telling me that.
340
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,729
All of his plants
are alive too.
341
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,431
In fact, Fred,
i've always found you
342
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,600
A very loving
and nurturing man.
343
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:35,834
Thank you, Dan.
344
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:38,437
I find your honesty
unsettling.
345
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,506
No, I mean I
admire you, Fred.
346
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:41,974
You're that rare
combination
347
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:45,711
Of soft and caring
yet strong and virile.
348
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,946
Why don't you two
run outside
349
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,948
And carve your initials
into a tree?
350
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,752
I'm gonna go to
the bathroom now,
351
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:55,054
And when I come back,
352
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,589
Let's all be talking
about something else.
353
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,829
Look, hey, hey,
whether or not
354
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:06,131
I tell Fred is
my own damn business.
355
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:07,433
Yeah, Dan.
356
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:09,234
Yeah, Roseanne,
it's my baby.
357
00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,370
Mine. I'm the one
that had sex.
358
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,005
I'm the one
who's getting fat.
359
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,274
I'm the one whose
hormones are gonna go crazy any day now.
360
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:16,975
I wish you would
just leave me alone,
361
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,477
Let me do it
by myself.
362
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,645
What?
363
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,113
It's all your
fault, Dan.
364
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:23,282
Ever since you
told her you don't want to have a kid,
365
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,584
She's trying to get
her hands on mine.
366
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:31,256
What?
367
00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:33,158
Roseanne, I thought
you said
368
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:34,460
We couldn't
have a baby
369
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:37,096
'cause Jackie begged you
to take care of hers.
370
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,797
What!
371
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:42,034
Roseanne,
what the hell's going on here?
372
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:43,369
Well, isn't it obvious?
373
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:46,538
I mean, the two of you
are in such deep denial
374
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,474
That it is pathetic.
375
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:49,908
What are we
denying, Roseanne?
376
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:52,711
Well, huh...
377
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:55,681
Okay, you're both
denying the fact
378
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,117
That you really
do not want me to have a kid.
379
00:16:58,118 --> 00:16:59,318
I mean,
the idea of it
380
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:00,419
Just terrifies
you so bad
381
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:01,854
That you can't even
cope with it.
382
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:03,255
So in order to deal
with it,
383
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,790
You're putting the whole
thing on someone else
384
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,825
So the two of you can
just deny, deny, deny.
385
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:12,965
You totally made that
up in your own head.
386
00:17:12,966 --> 00:17:15,434
See how deep it goes!
387
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,903
You lied to me,
Roseanne.
388
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:21,206
Okay, but at least
I had a good reason this time.
389
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:24,143
Now, you can't handle
a baby by yourself, Jackie.
390
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,812
I mean, you're gonna
be shooting people from a tower
391
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,714
In a clown suit.
392
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,382
If i'm tough enough
to survive you,
393
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,118
I'm tough enough
to handle anything a kid's gonna throw at me.
394
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:35,621
Yeah?
What about steak knives?
395
00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:38,857
That's happened to me
twice.
396
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:41,794
Darlene
throws like a boy.
397
00:17:41,795 --> 00:17:43,696
You are not
that strong, Jackie,
398
00:17:43,697 --> 00:17:46,231
Because sometime
your kid's gonna come to you
399
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,233
And want to know
who its father is,
400
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,169
And you don't
even have the guts
401
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,371
To tell the father
who the father is!
402
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,079
Fred!
403
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,214
I'm pregnant.
You're the father.
404
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:05,117
You want to talk about that,
405
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:06,418
I'll be in the kitchen.
406
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,426
I'll meet you at home.
407
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:17,329
Oh, Dan, wait a minute!
408
00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:20,532
[Fred]
wow.
409
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,768
Good thing
I was sitting down.
410
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:29,775
[motor starts]
411
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:35,014
Turn the car off, Dan.
412
00:18:35,015 --> 00:18:36,448
I want to go home.
413
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,619
We got to talk.
414
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,621
If you don't want
to have a baby,
415
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,256
Don't go blaming it
on me.
416
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:47,626
Maybe it's not that I don't
want to have the baby, Dan.
417
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,396
Maybe it's that I can't
have a baby.
418
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,700
[motor stops]
419
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,635
Is there something
I should know?
420
00:18:56,636 --> 00:19:00,205
Yeah.
I'm 41 years old.
421
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:01,940
[scoff]
422
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,710
Is that what this
is all about?
423
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:05,978
I mean,
come on, Roseanne.
424
00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:08,180
We've only been trying
for three months.
425
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:11,283
I know, but we never used
to have to try at all.
426
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,986
We'd get pregnant
just using the same soap.
427
00:19:17,691 --> 00:19:19,625
I was just thinking
428
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:22,895
Maybe my body
doesn't work anymore.
429
00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:24,363
Did you ever think
430
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,398
Maybe it's my body
that doesn't work anymore?
431
00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:29,635
Well, yeah. That's
what got me through the first three months.
432
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:33,172
Look, honey,
if we can't, we can't.
433
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:35,174
Then at least
I get my wife back.
434
00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:36,675
Then in six years,
435
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,445
When D.J. goes and runs off
with some religious cult,
436
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:42,414
We can ride
a couple of harleys across the country.
437
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,183
Oh, that's a bunch
of crap, Dan.
438
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:46,885
You want to have a baby
as bad as I do.
439
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:50,356
Not if it means
screwing up my marriage.
440
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,291
You've been carrying this
around for three months,
441
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,793
And you never even
said anything to me about it.
442
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,795
We used to talk
about stuff like this.
443
00:19:56,796 --> 00:20:01,767
Well, that's 'cause it--
it just hurts too much, Dan.
444
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:04,403
I mean, every month,
I--I let us down.
445
00:20:04,404 --> 00:20:05,604
You don't let us down.
446
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,039
Well, that's
what it feels like.
447
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,474
Well, it shouldn't
feel like that.
448
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:09,908
That is
what it feels like.
449
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:11,844
That's it. We're throwing
the damn calendar out.
450
00:20:11,845 --> 00:20:14,246
We're going back to doing
the way we always did,
451
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,215
And whatever happens
happens.
452
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,584
Come on.
453
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:21,620
Remember the good old days
when sex was fun?
454
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:27,860
Well, yeah, but those guys
didn't mean anything to me.
455
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:39,838
You know, that dashboard
really brings out your eyes.
456
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:43,909
Boy, you french lads
sure know what to say to a dame.
457
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:53,218
Well, we shouldn't
do it anyway, Dan.
458
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,387
Uh, you know, yesterday
was my last fertile day.
459
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:57,022
There'd be no point.
460
00:20:57,023 --> 00:20:59,258
There's a point.
461
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:05,497
Okay, but try to keep
your butt below the window.
462
00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:18,243
Well, do you think maybe
463
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:20,879
I could go to the lamaze
classes or something with you?
464
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,314
I mean, I am the father.
465
00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:24,483
Yeah, but I don't--
I hardly know you, Fred.
466
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:25,684
We only went out once.
467
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:26,685
That's your fault.
468
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,354
I wanted to go out with you
469
00:21:28,355 --> 00:21:30,155
The very next day
after I impregnated you.
470
00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:31,457
Well...
471
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:33,625
Fred, we're gonna have
a lot of problems here
472
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,461
If you're...
Don't respect my space.
473
00:21:35,462 --> 00:21:38,497
I understand.
It's your body. It's your decision.
474
00:21:38,498 --> 00:21:40,699
There is nothing
that I can do about it.
475
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:42,534
Thank you, Fred.
476
00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:44,703
Just promise me,
if you ever need any help,
477
00:21:44,704 --> 00:21:47,373
Money, support,
just somebody to talk to,
478
00:21:47,374 --> 00:21:48,774
Please call me.
479
00:21:48,775 --> 00:21:51,810
Thank you, Fred.
I--I appreciate that.
480
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:55,481
I guess we should
shake hands or something.
481
00:21:55,482 --> 00:21:56,682
Well...
482
00:22:02,122 --> 00:22:03,756
Thanks for the child.
483
00:22:12,866 --> 00:22:14,667
You know that sawyer girl
484
00:22:14,668 --> 00:22:16,335
Who had a baby
without a husband?
485
00:22:16,336 --> 00:22:17,903
She went insane!
486
00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:19,071
Listen, mom--
487
00:22:19,072 --> 00:22:20,739
Oh, my god,
I just keep thinking,
488
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:21,940
What would your father
say?
489
00:22:21,941 --> 00:22:23,142
What
would my father say?
490
00:22:23,143 --> 00:22:24,209
Your aunt--
491
00:22:24,210 --> 00:22:25,310
Mom, shh!
492
00:22:33,153 --> 00:22:34,720
I'm sorry!
493
00:22:34,721 --> 00:22:35,721
I couldn't help
laugh--
494
00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:37,389
You get hurt?
No!
495
00:22:37,390 --> 00:22:39,324
I told you I was
gonna hit you.
496
00:22:39,325 --> 00:22:40,325
I know, but I--sorry.
497
00:22:40,326 --> 00:22:41,326
Was it too hard?
498
00:22:41,327 --> 00:22:42,661
No, it was good.
499
00:22:42,711 --> 00:22:47,261
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