All language subtitles for extended.family.s01e13.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh.

Oh, thank God
you guys are on time.

I gotta pick up my car
before the mechanic closes.

Uh, the kids are alive.

Uh, the hallway toilet
is clogged,

but I had nothing
to do with it.

Please stand aside.

Can we ask you a quick
question before you go?

Asking me
if you can ask me

is already less quick
than just asking me.

OK, but saying
all of that

is less quick
than just saying yes.

Please, just ask me
the quick question.

Are Trey and I
right for each other?

[sighs]

- * It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that we once
had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all together
as a crew ♪

♪ Just do as we say,
not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

What do you mean,
are you right for each other?

It just seems
like a good thing to know

before we get married,
you know?

Or maybe even
before you got engaged.

Well, obviously
we wholeheartedly believe

we are right for each other.

We just--we want to be sure.

"Wholeheartedly" means sure.

Whole heart.

No heart remaining for unsure.

- We want to do a pre-Cana.
- Yeah.

Julia explained to me
what a pre-Cana is.

It's the Catholic Church's
version

of premarital counseling.

Mm.
Lifetime Catholic, Trey.

No explanation necessary.

If a pre-Cana is what you want,
then good for you.

Knock yourselves out.

Go get 'em.
Break a leg.

Or as Catholics rarely say,
mazel tov.

Well, uh, we can't do
an official pre-Cana

because we can't have
a church wedding

because as you know,
the church

doesn't recognize divorce.

Mm.
Well, what can I say?

You should have read
the fine print.

Well, uh, we want
someone to give us

an unofficial pre-Cana
that's just as effective

as the real thing.

Pfft, what poor bastard
would agree to that?

N-no. No.
No.

Are you kid--no!

Don't you want us
to have the best chance

for a happy marriage?

Mm, absolutely.

But just in case, I will be
in a fortified bunker.

Jim, what about the children?

There's room in the bunker
for them too.

Look, this marriage
has to stick for their sake.

That's right,
one divorce can play havoc

on the next generation's
psyche, but two?

That's like growing up
in an Adele song.

Look, you are the perfect
person to do this.

Nobody knows better than you
what it's like

to be married to me.

But I think it's better
if I take that information

to my grave.

Nobody knows what better
questions to ask,

what the surprises might be,
what irritants could be hiding

in unlabeled containers.

Uh, yeah.

I mean,
haven't you ever wondered

what might have happened if
you and I had done a pre-Cana?

I have not.

I have always told myself
that our divorce

was as inevitable
as the sunrise,

and my self has never argued.

Wait a minute, you guys
never did a pre-Cana?

You didn't know that?

Well, there's a lot
we don't know,

which is why
we gotta do a pre-Cana.

We skipped our pre-Cana.
We signed up, but we didn't go.

We didn't think we needed it.

We thought
we knew everything.

- We were wrong.
- So wrong.

- We knew nothing.
- Nothing.

That's blood under the bridge.

And some lymph.

But I must admit
that a pre-Cana

might have been a good idea.

Is that a yes?

- Not yet.
- [groans]

If I were to do this, if I were
to go violently and stupidly

against my better judgment,

I would need a few days
to do thorough research.

By all means.

- Is that a yes?
- Not yet.

We would all have to agree
to take this very seriously.

Absolutely.

We're all stakeholders
in this outcome.

- Is that a yes?
- Not yet.

I will pull no punches,
and you two must promise

to be scrupulously honest.

- We will be.
- This can't be just a gloss.

Your pre-Cana
cannot be pro forma.

Just say it's a yes, Jim.

It is the absence...

of a no.

I can't imagine
why you two ever split up.

Let me just say, I think
this pre-Cana is a great idea.

One train wreck per lifetime
should be everyone's limit.

Mm.

Our marriage was not
a train wreck, Dad.

We simply chose to change
trains at "Oh, my God,

we made a terrible mistake"
station.

You guys
are gonna crush this.

And make sure you do,
because we don't want

to have to break in a new guy.

That's a joke.

My God, you guys act
like I wasn't raised by you.

If it snows,
put on your hats, please.

Oh,
that's what those are for.

A wedding is a day,
but a marriage is a lifetime.

Theoretically.
Not in our case.

Welcome, Julia and Trey,
to your bootleg,

discount pre-Cana.

Speaking as your friend,
it is my fervent hope

that you will sail through
with flying colors.

But speaking as your
pre-Cana proctor,

I must now drill down
and probe deeply

into the recesses
of your compatibility,

becoming, if you will,
your "proctorologist."

Before we begin, let us
bow our heads and pray.

OK. yes.

Dear God, get us
through this in one piece.

OK.

Now, we are going to divide
our exercises today

into three segments: the past,
the present, and the future.

First up, the past.

Please stand back-to-back.

- Oh, gladly.
- Yes.

Now, each time you discover
something you did not know,

please take a big, healthy
step away from your betrothed.

- Roger.
- Got it.

- Julia...
- Mm-hmm.

Where did Trey
go to college?

MIT.

Sorry.

Trey, how old was Julia
when she spoke her first words?

2 1/2.

Which was late, but she
more than made up for it.

- So far, so good.
- Yeah, we're doing great.

Mm, uh-huh.

Julia, did you know
that Trey played

the role of Mary Poppins
in his prep school's

production of the musical?

No.

Well, it was an all-boys
school, and I was 11,

so the songs were
in my vocal range.

Wow, you did your research.

Strap in, Mary, 'cause
we're just getting started.

Actually, it was Marty.

Marty Poppins?

Mm.

Uh, Julia?
- Oh, sorry, yeah.

Um, Trey, did you know
that there was once

a bench warrant out
for Julia's arrest?

- No.
- Skinny-dipping.

Sue me.
- Yes, you got it.

Julia, did you know that
Trey's nickname growing up

was Smarty Pants
Punch Him in the Face?

[laughs] I did not.

Mm, perhaps
the least surprising

of today's revelations.

Trey, did you know
that Julia once

egged her neighbor's house
the night before Halloween?

Well, teenagers
do stupid things.

She was 35.

- I was 34.
- Mm.

Julia, did you know
that Trey lost

the National Spelling Bee
on a two-syllable word?

The word was "fuchsia,"

and that little sucker's
full of surprises.

Trey, did you know that once,
while on holiday

in the South of France,
Julia--

Jim, no!

Julia pooped her pants

and abandoned them
in a field of cabbage?

Oh, you promised me that you
would take that to your grave.

Oh, I will.

I will that all the way
to the glorious hereafter.

I will never not be able
to take that.

Cut me some slack.

It's all day long with
the cheese in that country.

Babe, I love you.

I'ma take three steps
on that one, though.

Which puts you in the hallway
and Julia in the kitchen.

And what does that tell us?

These things that we've
uncovered so far,

they may seem inconsequential,

but when taken
in the aggregate, uh,

they are a canary
in a coal mine,

a canary that is saying, awk,
you may not know each other

as well as you think.

Brack!

That sounds like a parrot.

I don't know, Jim.
This is kind of fun.

Why do people say
this is so hard?

Ah, a couple that is
confident and curious.

Pre-Cana has you
just where it wants you.

Can I come back
in the apartment now?

Yes.

And now...

[laughter]

Pre-Cana segment 2,
the present,

in which we will play

"The Prospective Newlywed
Game."

[trumpet playing
Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"]

♪ ♪

I've asked you each to predict
your fiancé's answer

to a series of questions,
and then I've written

those predictions down on
the cards you hold in your lap.

Every time your predictions
match your beloved's answers,

you'll score points.

Should we answer
in question form, Jim?

No, Trey.
That's "Jeopardy!"

You may be in jeopardy,
but you're not on it.

[laughs]

We understand, and we
are loving this experience.

- Yes.
- Good.

Now, let's begin, please,

because polyester suits

don't so much breathe
as asphyxiate.

Julia, how many times a day did
Trey say he thinks about sex?

Was it: A, 5 to 10 times a day;

B, more than 10 times a day;

or, C, way more
than 10 times a day?

I will say
that he thinks about sex

5 to 10 times a day, Jim.

Trey, hold up
your card, please.

[gasps]

250 times a day.

That wasn't even
one of the choices.

How did you come up
with that number?

Uh, two days ago, I gave him
one of those click counters.

Yeah, and, uh, every time
I think about sex, I click it.

[counter clicks]

Did you just think about sex?

I sure did.
[counter clicks]

Why don't you read a book?

Read a great one last night.

[counter clicks]

Next question.

Julia, which of the two of you

did Trey say
was more romantic?

Oh, that's easy.
He said Julia.

Trey?

He said Trey.

- Really?
- Yeah.

OK, if you are
the more romantic,

make up a love song about me
right now and sing it.

No problem.

Right now?
- Yeah.

[clears throat]

[chuckles]

♪ Trey ♪

♪ I really gotta say ♪

♪ That I am way ♪

♪ More romantic ♪

That's terrible.

Well, look, it's--it's hard.
It's hard.

Is it? Really?
[clears throat]

[snapping rhythmically]

♪ You are
the perfect person for me ♪

♪ The only one I can see ♪

♪ You're where
I wanna be, Julia ♪

All right, all right.

- * I am ♪
- * Uh-huh ♪

♪ The perfect person
for you ♪

- * Uh-huh ♪
- * If you were ever untrue ♪

♪ I don't know
what I would do ♪

♪ Julia ♪
- * Wah-wah ♪

- ♪ Julia-a-a ♪
- * Wah-wah ♪

- * Oh, yeah, Julia ♪
- [laughs]

Just saying.

[laughs]

And we are cooking with gas.

Next question.

Trey, what did Julia say

was her most repulsive
personal habit?

Well, that's a layup,
because Julia said

she has no repulsive personal
habits because she doesn't.

How do you feel about
a terrible

eustachian tube
hocking noise?

- A what, now?
- Oh. [clears throat]

I have a small hole
in my Eustachian tube

that sometimes itches
really badly,

and I can only relieve it
by making a certain,

uh, small--a noise.

- What kind of noise?
- Oh, it's nothing.

Julia, would you
make the noise, please?

- [hocking raspingly]
- Mm.

Mm.

[hocking continues]

- Oh, my God.
- Well, look, I only do it

when no one else is around.

When she thinks
no one else is around.

Have you been to a doctor?

I think you need
to see a doctor.

Doctors say
nothing can be done.

How about an exorcist?

They won't see me
because I'm divorced.

Quick check
of the scoreboard.

Uh, you are
the only competitors,

and yet you are losing.

Next question.

Julia, what fictional character
did Trey say

he'd most like
to make whoopee with?

Oh, oh, this one I know
because he told me.

- I did?
- Yes.

On our first date,
I said mine was Sir Lancelot,

and you said,
oh, what a coincidence

because yours
was Lady Guinevere.

- I said Lady Guinevere?
- Yes.

Yes, and--and that was
the moment I thought,

this is meant to be.

I mean, this is a man
that I could love.

Trey, turn over
your card, please.

I'd really rather not.

Trey.

Lola Bunny...

From "Space Jam."

What? She's hot.
[counter clicks]

I can't believe
you said Guinevere

when you didn't mean Guinevere.

I can't believe
you're fixated

on some stupid thing
I said on our first date

when I was trying
to get into...

your life.

Well, I can't believe you
thought there would have been

a second date if
it didn't matter, the things

we said on our first date.
- Are you kidding me?

You told me you loved
basketball on our first date.

I do love... elements of it.

I--I love the songs that
they play during the time-outs.

I--I love the T-shirt cannons.
I love the kiss cam.

I love the halftime show
with the cheerleaders

dancing in their
cute little outfits.

So help me,
if you click that thing again.

Are we having a fight?

Yeah, I think we are.

[trumpet playing
Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"]

Friends, that's all
we have time for.

I hope you'll join us again
in a few minutes

for segment 3, the future.

Steady as she goes, Julia.

Here in segment 3,
the future,

this "Jenga" tower is
a metaphor for your marriage.

Each time either one of you
answer false

to any of my questions,

you'll have to remove
another block.

I know.
I know.

Ha-ha.

True or false?

I have no problem
with the idea that my spouse

is the very last person
with whom

I will ever,
ever, ever have sex.

I am just fine with that.

I'll enjoy having sex with
my spouse and only my spouse

over and over and over
and over and over again

until everything else
in the universe is dead.

both: True.

Over and over...

- I got it.
- And over--OK.

True or false?

I am willing to move
far away from Boston

for my spouse's sake.

True.

Wha--would that
be after the kids

have grown and left the nest?

Mm, sorry, but as
a responsible pre-Cana proctor,

I can only reread the question,
which is, again--

False.

Please take another piece
out of your marriage.

Absolutely no pressure.

Now, true or false?

If my spouse
were rendered brain-dead,

I would unplug him or her
without their previous consent.

Who would answer that
question without more detail?

Who would answer
the question

"Do you take this woman
for your wedded wife?"

without more detail?

For example, uh,
would she kill you

just because
you couldn't blink?

False.
Fine, false. False.

False.

Trey--or, if I may,
Godzilla,

Tokyo awaits.

[grunts]

Oh.

Oh, oh, a little tremor
there, I thought.

Uh, but, you know, somehow the,
uh--the tower clings to life.

True or false?

I would like to have children
with my spouse.

True.

Don't you?

Oh.
Oh, wait a minute.

You--you guys
never discussed this?

You covered the Knights of
the Round Table but not this?

I guess I always assumed
we'd try, at least.

And I guess I assumed
you understood

that I was done with people
plopping out of me.

This is a thing.

Uh, Julia, um...

I know, Jim.

[blocks clatter]

Oh, the humanity.

You're loving this,
aren't you?

What?

You've taken obvious glee
in it from the start.

Obvious Schadenfreude.

Oh, oh, we're breaking out
the German now?

Because it's the perfect word

for someone who enjoys
other people's pain.

Well, I know
a little German myself, pal.

I know "good morning"

and "Frederick Street
train station."

Schadenfreude,
Schadenfreude, Schadenfreude.

Guten Morgen.

Bahnhof Friedrichstrasse.

Why do I even bother
with you?

You picked me for this.

I did what you asked me.

I--I--I put your relationship
to a stress test.

You know, like they do
with airplanes

before they make them fly?

But it's not my fault
that the wings snapped off,

the engine caught fire,
and the rest of it

slammed into a mountain.

Well, where does that
leave us?

Dead but wiser?

I take it back.
I take back what I said.

I can see exactly
why you two broke up.

Because Jim is so Jim.

No, that's not
why we broke up.

- Thank you.
- I mean, it didn't help,

but it's--it's not the reason.

You know, we broke up
because we weren't prepared.

For what?

For what happens in
the natural course of things.

Believe it or not, Jim and I
were once in love too.

You don't have to make it
sound like science fiction.

But we didn't know
how to keep our marriage

thriving when, you know--

When the--the blissful fog
of early love gave way

to the spirit-sucking,
mind-numbing sameness of, uh,

actual married life.

Let's just say things
changed, and we panicked.

And then we thought
that getting married

must have been a mistake.

And then you start
treating each other that way,

and then it's too late.

Uh, the truth is,
most of the little things

that came out today,
the--the eustachian tubes

and the Lola Bunnies,
they're not the problem.

Although they're strange
and disturbing.

Uh, I mean, I didn't have
a--a Lola Bunny.

I was more
of a Heather Locklear guy.

She had that hair that kind of
framed her face

and those, uh,
one-piece bathing suits.

Trey, where did you put
that clicker?

When Jim first heard
the throat noise,

it was early days,
and he liked it.

"Liked" is a strong word.

He thought it was
all part of the charm.

Yeah.
I--I did.

But later on, that's the kind
of thing you point to.

Over your shoulder, as you're
running away at top speed.

The narcotic haze
falls away for everybody.

I mean, believe it or not,
at some point,

there will come a day
when the only time you and I

are gonna want
to see each other naked

is to check for melanomas.

Well, what happens then?

Well, first of all,
you check for melanomas.

What happens
is that this time,

I'll know that it's normal.

Do you trust me to know
what to do when that day comes,

to--to know that it's just
the end of the beginning,

not the beginning of the end?

Julia, I trust you
with everything.

If it turned out
that we didn't have kids,

would that be a deal-breaker?

[cell phone ringing]
- Oh.

Sorry, sorry.
That's me.

Sorry. Mm.
Sorry.

[groans]

Um, sorry, uh, comma, uh,
I'm in a meeting, comma.

uh, I'll call you later, period.

Oh, uh, regards to Trisha,
exclamation point.

Send.

Hey.

There are no deal-breakers.

I'm marrying you.

- Jim?
- Um, do you need the room?

[chuckles]
No, I just--

I want to say thank you.

- Yeah, danke, Jim.
- Oh.

Schniedelwutz.

What does--
what does that mean?

I don't know.
Somebody yelled it at me.

But I--I just want to say
that, uh,

I think it's really gutsy,
what you guys did,

and I'm really happy for you.

And I think it's--it's given me
hope for myself, you know,

that maybe someday I might--

- [hocking raspingly]
- Oh, my.

[hocking continues]

Oh, wait, uh,
I almost forgot.

Uh, in lieu of your official
pre-Cana certificate,

a grand prize,
chosen especially for you.

You can put it
on a mantelpiece...

- [gasps]
- Or on an adult cake.

[laughs] Oh, Jim.

They got my complexion right.

[laughs]

- Come here.
- Aw.

[moans]

Aw.
OK.

Mm-hmm.

Very nice.

Yes, it is.

- Weird now.
- Oh.

[chuckles]