All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E11.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

Good evening.

Good evening, I'm Laura Ingraham,
and as soon as I marry your dad,

I'm sending you straight to boarding
school.

Well, we're finally done with
year one of Biden's presidency.

Can we all admit it's a
disaster?

Inflation's out of control.
Gas is at $19 a gallon.

And the green M&M has been
canceled just for being a whore.

Things are so bad in Biden's America,

even according to former Wendy's spokes
girl, Jen Psaki.

Take a look at what she
said a press conference this week.

Build back better has not
passed.

Voting rights is apparently not
going to pass.

And vaccine requirements are
apparently illegal.

What happened?

We are not good people.

The American public should vote
us out.

First true things she's
ever said.

Plus, the nation is still mourning from
the loss of America's dad, Robert Durst.

The country's on its last legs,
folks.

Liberals want to take away everything that
makes you American.

For example, guns, hamburgers,
Morgan Wallen.

I don't care if he uses a slur,
I just want to dance.

Your backup guns, commercial where the
whole family is the same thing.

Using the word mayonnaise. It's aioli all
of a sudden, no thanks, Lin-Manuel.

And finally, missionary.

My first guest tonight is here to talk
about how he's

pushing back against
Biden's tyranny.

You know him. You know him.
Ted Cruz.

Hello, hello. Hello, Laura.
Thanks for having me.

- Beard still going strong, huh, Ted?
- Oh, yeah.

My beard is like January 6th.

Shocking at first, but sadly
it's been normalized.

Speaking of January 6th, you recently had
to apologize

for calling the capitol
rioters terrorists.

I agree with you 100%.

I never should have called them
terrorists.

The truth is, they are big, burly
men with big "d" energy.

In fact, I actually like them a lot.
They are my cool friends.

And Donald, if you're watching,
I love you, baby.

You are the king.
Honestly, hit me.

Did you just ask Trump to hit you?

Oh, I don't know.

Hit me, choke me, spit in my face.
I just want to stay in the mix.

Thanks for being here, Ted.

Oh, and one more thing.

I like to remind all my fellow Texans
watching at home that

February's going to be a cold one, so you
might want to book

your vacay to Cancun now.
Live mas, everybody!

That's great advice, Ted.

And I'd like to take a moment to thank my
few remaining loyal sponsors.

COVID negs,

the COVID test that's guaranteed to be
negative even if you have it.

COVID negs, I'm going to your
wedding.

And False Alarm medical alert.

If your grandkids think it's the
end, they'll call.

And white pizza.
For when Italian is too ethnic.

Our next guest is the latest victim of the
vaccine police with a name I somehow have

an easier time learning to
pronounce than Kamala Harris.

Please welcome Novak Djokovic.

Yes. Oh, yes.
Thank you.

Call me by my nickname, the Joker.

Although right now I'm the least popular
Joker, except for Jared Leto.

I found him relatable.

So Novak, you were deported from Australia
for refusing to be vaccinated,

and I never thought I would hear myself
use the word "deported" in a bad way.

What happened?

I went to Australia, and my
visa was denied.

But then I appealed to the judge, and this
was his ruling.

Out.

I must say, I am a fan of your
sport, because in tennis, love is bad.

Now, why don't you tell your side of the
story while I

stare into the camera like
it's a raw piece of steak.

Oh, thank you, Laura.

You see, people love to tear you off your
pedestal just because,

you're really rich or you're the best at
tennis, or you go to a charity event

with 200 kids even though you're
dripping with COVID.

But in my heart I know that one day people
will look back on this moment in history

and think, "Yeah, who cares?"

Thank you, Novak.
See you at Wimbledon.

- Probably not.
- Yeah.

My next guest is here to address a voting
rights bill

which would make it easier for
minorities to vote

and harder for white
people in Florida to vote twice.

Please welcome my one black
friend, Candace Owens.

Martin Luther King would have
voted for Trump.

Hello to you too.

Laura, liberals are trying to
make everything about race.

To quote the only words that Martin Luther
King ever said, I have a dream.

That's it, end of quote.

Nothing about money or jobs or
schools.

Unless you count his tombstone which says,
great job, gang, racism over.

I hope people at home are
writing this down.

Thanks, Laura.

It's my greatest honor to continue the
fight for African Americans,

no matter how
many times they ask me to stop.

Thank you, Candace.

I'd like to thank a few more of
my loyal sponsors.

Bible belt. Hold your pants up the way God
intended with Bible belts.

Flower poison.

Ever see a big garden full of flowers and
think, "I wish they were dead?"

Flower poison.

And Paula Deen's chickpea mash.

It's not radical Islamist hummus,
it's American chickpea mash.

Talk of the 2024 republican primaries is
already heating up,

so let's talk to the svelte, muscular, 230
pound gorilla in the room, Donald Trump.

Hello, Laura.
Hello, Laura.

It's wonderful to be here.
I'm back like "Tiger King 2."

You had fun the first time,
and now you're like,

"How are more people
from this not in jail yet?"

Mr. President, you're out on the
trail again, creating controversy with

your typical wacko stuff and your
uncharacteristically reasonable takes on

booster shots. Would you like to give our
viewers a taste?

I sure would. Let's get today's wordle.
Can we do that, please?

I got the booster, okay. Because I made
the booster, I made the beautiful vaccine.

It's an incredible vaccine.

But it's very unfair what is happening
with the COVID treatment, okay.

White people are being told to get in the
back of line. They're being told this.

Speaking of white people,
John Mayer.

Okay, John Mayer hasn't had a hit in so
long, but we love Mayer so much.

Body Wonderland. Come on, it was
tremendous music.

I thought it was tremendous music.
With "Body Wonderland."

You know, I'd rather be the mayor of
anything than be governor Ron Desantis.

I beat him so bad.
Just like I beat Hillary.

Because the only Hillary we like
is Duff, from "How I Met Your Father."

You know what, "How I Met Your Father," it
really doesn't have the charm and sparkle

of, frankly, mother.

But we love Duff. You know, she got her
teeth fixed. Now they look like almonds.

And "Lizzie McGuire," you know, they
wanted to do a Lizzie McGuire with hulu,

but Disney said no sex,
they didn't want the sex.

So they went their separate ways
just like Lisa and Jason Momoa.

And, let me tell you, Momoa is such a big
boy. He's so big

he looks like a sexy devil.
And "The Devil Wears Prada."

And Prada is right next to Tiffany and
Tiffany is my daughter

and "Daughters" is
by John Mayer.

And I'm gonna run through the holes of
your high school in 2024

when you re-elect Trump.
Wordle!

There it is, we got it.

And live from New York, it's
Saturday night!

Musical guest Maneskin.

And your host, Will Forte.

Ladies and gentlemen, Will Forte!

Thank you.
Thank you very much. Oh, man.

I am so excited to be here tonight.
This is my first time hosting "SNL".

I... I was in the cast 12 years ago
with Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader,

Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and
Fred Armisen.

So it was really fun to see Kristen host.

Yep. And Bill.
And then Andy.

Then Fred.
Then Kristen again.

Then Bill again.
Then Jason.

Seth Meyers. I mean, he's one of my best
buds. But, you know, come on.

He wasn't really a sketch guy,
he was just on "Weekend Update."

Does that even count as being on
the show?

But he hosted. Right? John Mulaney was a
writer when I was in the cast.

And then he hosted four times.
Four times.

But hey, that's okay.
I'm not bitter about it. I'm not.

Saved the best for last, right?

Saved the best for way last.

But, look, after 12 long years,
tonight it's finally my turn.

My time to shine.
Tonight is all about me.

Are you serious?

Kristen. Hey.
Yeah.

Will, I am so excited that
you're hosting.

Not a good time.
Not a good time.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Well, it's good to see you.
Bye-bye!

- So... so I should go?
- Yeah, I think so.

I flew in for this.

Oh, great, so you know where
the airport is.

All right. Well, back to North Korea.
It was really hard to get out.

I don't love that she got more applause
than when I came out.

You know, I came out once when
she was hosting,

and I did something in her monologue.

But I was polite enough to get
less applause than her.

But look, my point is, maybe the universe
had a reason for making me wait to host.

Maybe it wanted me to wait until
"MacGruber," the series,

was streaming on Peacock.
Yeah.

Now, speaking of "MacGruber," I
would like to officially announce

that "Macgruber" has been picked up for
a season two.

I would like to announce that. But it
hasn't been picked up yet, so I can't.

You know, we're waiting to hear.

But I can announce that you're in great
hands tonight. You know?

Strong, veiny comedy hands. And, look, if
I could just take a serious moment.

I'd like to say how much this
show has meant to me.

I started my career here, and
they always supported me.

Wait a second.
Are they playing me off?

Are you playing me off in my own
monologue?

I waited 12 freaking years for
this.

Have you seen some of the idiots they had
host the show since then.

Kristen, Bill, Andy, Fred.

All right, fine.
I'll take one question. You, sir.

I'm so sorry, Will.
There's been a mistake.

- Hey!
- Wait.

Willem Dafoe? You're hosting
next week.

I'm pretty sure it's this
week.

You think I'd book someone named Will,
then someone named Willem?

Oh my God, this is not
happening.

You texted me to come host,
Lorne.

I texted Willem, and you
know, auto correct.

All right, fine. Then let's have the fans
decide once and for all.

Oh, my God? 5%?
I guess people do love me.

Alright, we have a great show.
I'm here, Maneskin's here.

So stick around, and we'll be
right back.

MacGruber, making life saving inventions
out of household materials

MacGruber, getting in and out of ultra
sticky situations

MacGruber, The Guy’s a friggin genius
MacGruber!

Dammit! The store is pressure sealed.
We’re not going anywhere.

MacGruber, if we don’t dismantle
this C4 for explosive,

this whole building
is gonna blow sky high. 60 seconds!

Okay, don’t worry gang. We can
do this if we work together as a team.

And look, I know this whole COVID
situation has really changed the game,

so we got to be smart about this, okay?

We're in a small room with
very limited airflow.

- Good call.
- Yeah, great thinking, MacGruber.

-Okay, Vicki, pass me that old coffee can.
- You got it, MacGruber.

- Piper, that lighter fluid.
- Coming at you, Grubs.

- Now both of you, hand me your masks.
- What? Why?

No time to explain, masks now!

- Macgruber, what are you doing?
- Freeing us from tyranny, Vick.

- You're welcome.
- Welcome for what?

I really wanted to wear that mask.

Yeah, you just said yourself that we're in
a small enclosed room.

Yes, so we need every drop of oxygen we
can get,

which is impossible with these
stupid face diapers.

I can finally breathe.

I've got to say I'm a little
uncomfortable with this.

Don't worry, Vick.
I'm vaxed and relaxed. Here's proof.

I think there's a "P" missing
at the beginning of Pfizer.

- You got vaccinated at a sizzler?
- I sure did Piper.

And ,Vicki if there was a P in front of
Pfizer, it’d be pronounced Pa-fizer.

- But nice try.
- Just admit you’re not vaccinated.

Okay, fine, you freaking Karens.

I'm not getting that stupid shot, all
right, 'cause I don't want the government

putting a tracking device in my scrotum.

MacGruber, you don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

Yeah, I don't need to know what I'm
talking about because I have a brain.

Because you two sheeple are so
freaked out, let me assure you,

I'm totally anti-semitic.

- I'm not sure we heard you right.
- I don't have any symptoms.

I think the word you're looking for is
asymptomatic.

- Yes, that's what I said.
- No, it's not.

- No, I definitely said I'm anti-semitic.
- Yeah, you did.

- So what's the issue here?
- Macgruber, 10 seconds!

Look, we may not all agree on this hoax
vaccine, but one thing we can all agree on

- is that I do know how to defuse bombs.
- 1 second, MacGruber!

Okay, Piper, hand me...

Blomps, splats, flizzes and crunchers.

You’re watching the coolest gameshow
for kids. It’s Kid Klash.

Hello. I am Mark Zazz and this
is Kid Klash.

The game show where kids
compete in physical challenges.

Now, if you saw last week’s episode, Susie
is okay. She’s back home and she’s okay.

And we have a brand new Kid Klash
contestant ready to go, meet Tatum.

Hey, everyone.

I'm the shortest and the slowest one on my
basketball team,

but here I'm going to
win, I'm Tatum.

Great, 'tude, Tatum.
And today's prize is pizza for life.

That's right, you get to keep this one
pizza for your entire life.

I really want that.

Well, let's take a look at
the course.

First, you're taking a dive into the
whipped cream pie to find the flag.

Then move on to the slippery
monkey bars.

But watch out for the pit of hot
nacho cheese below.

- I hope it's not too hot.
- Oh, it is. It's really hot.

Okay.

Finally, you and your family
climb into this giant glass

to become a human shrimp cocktail.

You can do this, honey!
We're ready to be shrimp with you!

Now, remember, you can't move
on till you find that flag.

Ready, set, go!

Tatum, there we go!

Tatum is deep in the
cream and looking for that flag.

Here's a "Kid Klash" fact about
her.

Yeah. Tatum favorite things are
spaghetti and beach balls.

All right.
Tatum, have you found that flag yet?

No, so far just feeling the cream.

Well, keep looking.
And here's a hint, it's in there.

- Do you not know what a flag is?
- No, I do.

- Then try to find it.
- I am.

All right. Another "Kid Klash" fact.

Tatum was disqualified from the chili
cook-off at her school for lying.

All right.
How are you doing, Tatum?

The cream's really thick, I'm
working pretty hard here.

Well, doesn't show.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I think I found something.

- It's some kind of gold medallion.
- Amazing.

But one question for you, Tatum. Is a
medallion the same as a frigging flag?

No, but. Doesn't it seem like maybe it's
worth more than a flag?

Well, you're wrong, Tatum. It's probably
left over from last week's show.

- What? You don't change the cream?
- I don't know, Tatum.

But your time is up in 3, 2, 1.

- Good try, sis!
- That's okay, honey.

Dammit, tatum!

Well, I'm sorry, everyone, I couldn't do
it. I couldn't find the flag.

And where do you think you're going?

I guess to get cleaned up and
go back to Indiana.

You're not going anywhere.
Not until you find that flag.

But... but the time ended.

Look, I didn't start this game show to
encourage children to quit like babies.

Now, I was very clear. You get out
of the pie when you find the flag.

- Mom?
- We agree with him, Tatum.

She never sees anything through,
Mr. Zass.

Okay.
I'll keep trying.

Now, Tatum, as I'm sure you know, you and
your shrimp family are now

ineligible for the pizza for life prize.

Shoot, this music is
making me feel really bad.

And I'm just now remembering
the pie was supposed to spin.

- Can we get that going?
- Wait. Does this part have to go on TV?

Tatum, you know that it does.

How do you think it's going to be in the
real world?

- I guess like this?
- Yeah. That's right.

The whipped cream is adversity. And the
flag is your unfulfilled potential.

Okay, well, I think I just
got my period.

Yeah, you're not the first to
do that in there.

Wait, oh my God, is this it?

She found the flag!

It's so small!
And it's white like the cream.

- This is a really bad game.
- No. It's good!

When we return, we're going to put the
adopted brother on the monkey bars!

- I'm adopted?
- Yes, you are.

With be right back for more
Kid Klash!

MacGruber, he did a lot of reading and
he’s got a new album

MacGruber, he realized there was more than
just one side of this issue

MacGruber, he’s following the science now
MacGruber

Shoot! This vault door's welded shut.
There's no way out.

And from the looks of that dynamite bomb
we've only got 60 seconds

before this
whole place is blown to Betsy.

Not a problem, gang.
We got this. Don't worry. After the last

mission I've heard your concerns and now
I'm following all the protocols.

Well MacGruber, there's a big hole
in your mask.

Uh yeah, so I don't suffocate from all the
carbon dioxide, duh.

Look, there's no reason to be scared.
I'm going to be fine.

I've done a ton of research and
I'm following the science now.

- That's good.
- Okay. Vicky, pass me that ivermectin.

Okay, here.

- Piper, that hydroxychloroquine.
- Here.

- MacGruber, you have COVID?
- Hell no.

- Oh, thank God.
- I have COVID plus.

It's a COVID strain mixed
with... something else.

- Syphilis?
- You got it. Good on you.

Do yeah, COVID, syphilis.

And I do have an unconnected freestanding
herpes in there as well.

I also have horse worms so this ivermectin
is pulling double duty.

- You have horse worms?
- Oh, yeah, a bunch of them.

Check this out.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's disgusting.

Relax, it's just spaghetti.

Had them down here in my jockeys, just
waiting for the right moment

to spring this little joke on you.
Punk'd!

A little al dente.

- You don't have horse worms?
- No, I do have horse worms.

Oh, look, they're chomping on the
spaghetti.

Leave that alone, you little turkeys.
That's my food.

I'm not gonna eat this now.

Macgruber, the bomb!

Okay, Piper, hand me that toilet paper
with dr. Anthony Fauci's face on it.

Here.

Vicky, hand me that "Let's go,
Brandon" t-shirt.

Here you go, MacGruber.

So funny, huh?
It actually means something else.

- Yeah, we know.
- Do you know what it is?

You've gone down some at-right
misinformation rabbit hole.

You're alt wrong about that, Karen.
My information is 100% non-insane.

Ever heard of Qanon?

Macgruber

You're watching Cinema
Classics on PBS.

Good evening and welcome to
"Cinema Classics."

I am Reese de'What!

If you've heard the phrase, "gaslighting,"
you probably know it means to manipulate

someone into believing a false reality.

But what you may not know is that the
phrase originally comes from

the 1944 film, "Gaslight,"
starring Ingrid Bergman

as a woman whose husband makes her believe
she's going insane

by slowly dimming the gas-fueled lights
around her and then denying it.

Why does he do this? I do not know.
And I'm bad at guessing.

Like when my wife asked me to guess what
she was making for dinner

and I said, I don't know, a mess?

Worst welcome home from prison ever.
Hers!

Let's watch a scene from "Gaslight" now
where Charles Boyer

as the evil husband tries to make Bergman
believe she's insane.

I have tried so hard to keep the fact that
you have lost your mind a secret,

but now
I'm afraid all of London knows it.

Gregory, no. I'm not insane.
Look,

every night the gaslights,
they grow dimmer.

- No, they don't.
- They don't?

But look.
It's just a tiny flame.

My cuckoo darling, in the week and a half
you've known me, have I ever lied to you?

I guess not. But humor me.

Turn the gaslights up as high as they'll
go, please, for me.

All right.
All the way up.

There you go.

And that was up?

Because that's to me, that
seemed like not up.

And I hope you're happy, our gas bill is
going to be insane, just like your brain.

- And I'm afraid its membrane as well.
- Oh, no.

I don't know up from down.

The next thing you're going to
tell me is that this isn't a book.

No, Paula.
That's a rat!

It is?
I've been reading rats all these years?

Oh, no.
Am I really that mad?

I set a goal for
myself of reading a rat a month.

Paula, calm yourself and play
with the puppy that I gave you.

Okay.

Yikes.

You know, in my house, gaslighting is when
I strike a match

after my wife blasts one
out under the blankets.

Let's watch another scene as Gregory
drives Paula even further into delusion

with the help of a surly maid played by
18-year-old Angela Lansbury.

Oh, Gregory. Do you regret marrying a
crazy cuckoo bird of a woman

who belongs in a hotel for nuts?

Paula, please stop!
Just try to enjoy your steak.

That's right, ma'am.
Eat your little steak.

Dude, I don't care how crazy i am.
This is a pineapple.

No, ma'am. It's the rib eye, just like the
one he's eating.

Dig in.

Okay. I feel like, maybe, you're
trying to drive me mad.

No one is trying to drive you
mad.

What do you want me to do?
Swear on this Bible?

Okay. So now, okay, so this says "How to
gaslight your wife" by Gregory.

Paula, stop.
I love you!

I don't feel love.
You don't even kiss me anymore.

Then kiss you, I shall.

Okay. Yeah. I'm pretty sure you just
kissed her, the 18-year-old.

No, I kissed you!
Watch, I'll do it again.

No. No. I won't let
you gaslight me yet any longer.

In fact, maybe I'll gaslight you. That's
not a tie you're wearing. That's a snake.

- It's a tie. Grow up.
- Dammit. I guess I'm bad at it.

Well, at least I know the truth now.

I can't believe you told me it was 9
inches and I said, "Oh, lucky me."

It is.

So now we know what gaslighting is.
It's kind of, like, when my wife...

What? She's on the phone?
Right now?

Oh, that's not good.

For "Cinema Classics," I have
been Reese de'What!

A deluxe suite at the Radisson with a city
view, not parking lot.

Korbel champagne.

- You spoil me, Tate.
- Anything for my birthday girl.

And I do mean anything.

- And the comments return.
- I'm sorry.

My wife asked for a threesome with a
random guy online for her birthday.

I think I have the right to
make a comment or two.

Honey. Gannon's not a random guy online.
He's an experienced third.

- And I thought you were okay with this.
- I am. I am.

I want you to be happy.
I guess I'm just nervous.

Don't be.

He's here. Okay? Now, stop worrying and
concentrate on making tonight beautiful.

Hey. I'm Gannon.
I'm here to have sex with you.

Yes, hi. I'm Tracy.
And this is my husband Tate.

- Hey there, Taint.
- My name is Tate, not Taint.

Good, I was going to say
that's a bad name.

So look, I know it's your first time doing
this. But there's nothing to worry about.

My goal is to make sure everyone
has a nice, fulfilling experience.

But safety first, okay? Let's see if this
bed can handle my motion.

Yeah, yeah. It's not bad.
Not bad. Yeah, this could work.

All right. Let me get my cialis here.
Three pills ought to do it.

Three?

By the way, I find a threesome with
a maried couple works best.

It's when the wife and I go about the
night as if it's just us.

And it's on the husband to figure out when
and how to join in.

That's smart.
So it's not chaos.

- Feeling better now?
- No. I'm not.

What does that mean, exactly?

Well, it means that if your wife and I
have a good rhythm going,

don't crowbar yourself in.
You know?

Remember, it's a three-way, not
a me-way.

Wow, yeah, that is such a good way to put
it. Did you make that up?

I did. Yeah.
Now heads-up, Taint.

The more heated I get the harder it will
be for you to get in there.

This dog gets greedy with his
treats.

You called me Taint again.
It's Tate.

And just so I'm clear, the game plan for
tonight is you're going to make love

to my wife all night and
fight me off the whole time?

What?nNo. Okay. Let me show you what I'm
talking about, okay?

Okay, let's see. Let's say that me and
your gorgeous wife are on the bed here.

Doing our thing.
This pillow is your wife, okay?

I understand.
I understand. Jeez!

- All rightment try to join in.
- Try to join in?

- All right.
- Get out of here!

Dude! You're going to hit me with my
own wife?

Yeah, if I have to, yeah. Okay.

Look bud, you want to save the Shire,
you got to get through Mordor first.

Yes, that's what I'd like to see tonight,
my man fighting for me.

God, I'm so happy right now.

Now, I mentioned in my e-mail
I'm a sweater.

Yes. We have everything
you asked for.

11 full size bath towels, 25 lemon-lime
Powerades

- and a tarp to put over the bed.
- Yes. The tarp is optional.

But, again, you will not believe
how much I sweat.

Okay. Speaking of, Taint, during some
of your down time,

I might call for a towel.
Go ahead and call for a freshy,

and get my back a pat-down.
Then, get the hell outta there.

- Excellent, so I'm a towel-boy now.
- Towel-man. Don't sell yourself short.

Last thing, Taint.
Just throw this mask on.

What is this?

I don't like seeing a dude's
face when I'm doing my thing.

Now it's like you're not even here.

I love that.

- So should we start?
- Hell yeah.

Okay, I'm just going to pop into the
bathroom

and work through a minor cialis
heart attack real quick.

So maybe my wife and I will
get started while you're gone?

Don't you dare!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Maneskin!

It's "Weekend Update" with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Update."
I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

President Biden marked the end of his
first year in office

with a two-hour press
conference.

Because that's how long it took to list
everything that's gone wrong.

It was actually the longest presidential
press conference in history.

But as I have been told many
times before,

just because you went for a long time
doesn't mean you did a good job.

Senate republicans lined up to shake
Kyrsten Sinema's hand

after she voted against changing the
filibuster to pass voting rights.

Ah, the U.S. Senate, keeping black folks
down with a quiet handshake since 1787.

Senator Bernie Sanders suggested
that he supports

replacing fellow democrats
Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema.

Damn, Bernie, stabbing your own co-workers
in the back is just unforgivable.

I mean, I would never suggest
Colin get fired

no matter how
amazing I think Bowen would be.

Several Trump White House staff members
told the January 6th committee

that if Trump made an unscripted statement
in the middle of the attack,

he would have made the situation worse.
And I think that's a sound argument.

No one has ever been like, "You know who
would be perfect to

de-escalate this situation?
Donald Trump."

If he was trying to talk someone
off a ledge he'd be like, 'Don't jump.

Even though your wife left you like a dog.

And this would be the perfect
way to get back at her.'

On the first day in office,
Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin,

signed an executive order banning the
teaching the critical race theory,

which really isn't that surprising coming
from a guy who

dresses like Leo in "Django
Unchained."

A new study shows that the COVID vaccine
does not cause

infertility in men or
women. Dammit, why did I get this?

This week, Britain's most eligible
bachelor, Prince Andrew,

officially deleted his Twitter account,

after he realized that's not the app with
all the dancing teenagers.

This week NBC announced that it will not
be sending any correspondents

to the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing.
Here to comment is

Chinese Trade Minister and Games
Organizer, Chen Biao!

I've never been with a train, daddy. Ey!
What's up, Che Diaz.

I told you, I don't get that reference.

How is Beijing feeling about the
Olympics?

Oh, we are pumped.
Everyone loves the Winter Olympics!

Sliding down snow, sliding down ice.

Gravity's got a point and she is the
moment.

So, how does China feel about NBC
not sending correspondents?

Oh, we're fine.
Are you guys okay?

NBC is announcing the games from your
studios in Connecticut.

You know what else films in Connecticut?
"Maury."

Good luck commentating over cries of
"You are not the father!"

And how will you describe the
atmosphere in the stadium?

Like "Uh, the vibe is 2:00 a.m.
in Stamford."

I mean, have fun walking home
from metro north at that hour, Grayson.

- Who is Grayson?
- Probably some coked-out finance guy

trying to find his escort in a Wendy's
parking lot.

Anyway. Journalists that are in Beijing
say the city is completely locked down.

It's just for COVID safety. And the
protocols are not even that restrictive.

It's plane, COVID test, bus, another test,
another test, speed skating, anal swabs.

- Anal swabs?
- It's accurate. And it's fun.

Okay, but lots of journalists are bringing
burner phones to avoid being tracked.

Burner phones?
What is this, "The Wire"?

Must be season two because
you're white and no one cares.

Well the bigger story is that several
countries, including the US,

are planning diplomatic boycotts over
China's human rights violations.

Human rights?
We don't have that.

What, is this the face of a country that
would violate human rights?

The official games mascot
Bing Dwen Dwen?

As you can see, he's a panda
going to a race.

I don't know, I designed him
while I was on ketamine.

He's gonna try and hook up with
Shaun White!

Great. So what do you have planned for the
opening ceremonies?

Okay, well, press release...
I'm performing in it!

Yeah, the vibe is going to be like
Beachella meets Wong Kar-Wai film

meets Dave Chappelle Stand-up Special.

How is it going to be like a Dave
Chappelle Special?

There's going to be a lot of
people protesting afterwards.

Look, it feels like you're really making
light of some serious issues.

Okay, fine, you want me to get real?
Look, we're hosting the Winter Olympics

because no one else stepped up. It's our
party and we'll spy if we want to.

The IOC chose China.
You all knew what you were getting into.

So now we're in bed and you have
post-nut clarity?

Whatever. Flop.
If you need me, I'll be skiing the slopes

in my Gaga "House of Gucci" ski goggles!

Father, Son, House of Daddy.

- Chen Biao, everybody!
- Send Johnyy Wear and Tara Lipinski!

M&M's announced that they've redesigned
their iconic M&M characters

after people requested that the brown M&M
not look like a

teacher who has sex
with her students.

In a new documentary, an ex-girlfriend of
Prince Andrew describes Jeffrey Epstein

and Ghislaine Maxwell as Batman and
Robin.

Come on. What does Batman and Robin have
in common

with a billionaire
that grooms teenagers?

Gen-Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse

is petitioning the court for the return of
his rifle so he can destroy it.

I don't know. Careful, Kyle. Trying to get
your own memorabilia back

is how they got O.J.

In a new interview, Bono reveals that he
never liked the name U2,

adding, "I also kind of hate Ireland."

Actor Jon Voigt released a video claiming
that Abraham Lincoln's spirit

was guiding Donald Trump.
Hopefully not to a theater.

A longtime director of "Wheel of Fortune"
has died at the age of 92.

Said "Wheel of Fortune" viewers,
"Wow, so young."

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of
the Rings” TV series

will be called “Rings of Power”,

though I’m personally more excited for the
spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

Well, shiver me timbers.

It's cold
here at 30 Rock.

Here to talk about staying cozy in the
winter weather is our Sarah Sherman.

- Hi, Colin.
- Hi, Sarah.

- So you're here to talk about the winter?
- That's right, winter rocks.

All the bugs are dead.
It's amazing.

All right, so you don't mind
the cold at all?

Colin, I'm cozy all winter long.
I got pubes thicker than clothes.

You don't have to talk about
your pubes, Sarah.

Oh, I'm sorry, does the bush
stuff make you uncomfortable?

- A little.
- Okay. I'm so sorry.

This just in!

Local female body inspector Colin Jost,
wishes a female co-worker

had hairless genitals like a blowup doll.
Back to you, Colin.

That's not... I don't care about
your body hair.

Wow, Colin.
Careful how you talk about my body,

I'm basically your son's age.

- You're six months old?
- Oh, you wish, sicko.

You'd kill to change my diaper,
wouldn't you?

- Sarah, that's disgusting.
- Well, you think that's disgusting?

You know what's disgusting?
The cost of housing in New York, Colin.

Can you believe... Yeah.
Can you believe...

Can you believe I have to pay
$200 a month?

You pay $200 for rent?
Where do you live?

Breaking news!

Camden homeowner Colin Jost
mocks struggling comedian

for finding a good deal by living in his
dog house.

You live in my doghouse?
Sarah, what do you want from me?

$6,000.
I'm not giving you six grand.

Your funeral. In other news,
wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband,

Colin Jost has not a dime to spare for
SNL's underpaid rookie

even though she was going to donate that
money to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

- You didn't say that.
- And another thing!

Can we talk about you and Che?

It's always, will they, won't
they with you two.

All right? Why don't you just get it over
with and make out already?

No. I'm not... I'm not...

- I'm not... I'm not kissing Che.
- Wrong answer! This just in!

Local sex bigot, Colin Jost,
violently rejects

radical act of queer interracial love.

You're so small-minded,
Colin.

All right, fine, you want to
kiss? Let's do it. Okay?

- Hey.
- Breaking news!

Queer baiting "Update" anchor
Colin Jost pretends to be gay for laughs.

Damn, Colin.
You are the worst.

- Sarah Sherman, everyone.
- I want you guys to kiss.

Officials in Hong Kong announced that
after some hamsters in a pet store

tested positive for COVID, they had to
kill more than 2,000 of the pets.

Okay, but they didn't have to do
it in front of the class.

A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by
hiding it in his pants.

Police caught the man when he got an
erection and it sounded like this.

Scientists have trained a
goldfish to drive a car.

They believe it's the first step
to eventually training women.

Dwayne Johnson said that the skull of a
T-Rex seen behind him

during a recent interview was a replica
and not the real thing.

Johnson also said it's just a coincidence
that his diet calls for

1,000 pounds of
dinosaur meat a day.

The oldest living person in the United
STates died this week at the age of 115.

It's a powerful reminder to always test
your cocaine for fentanyl.

The NFL playoffs continue this weekend.
Here with his tailgating tips

is a guy who just bought a boat.

Are you
ready for some these balls!

It's good to beach here.

I really hated that opening.

Hey, Colin. Haven't you since that party
we had to get COVID on purpose.

-Great idea by the way.
-I have no idea what you're talking about.

Yeah. It's true, my bro-bro from a
no-ho here

told me the same thing so many women have,
"Let's just get this over with."

No. That didn't... that did not
happen, no.

It did. Anyway, it's football sleaze-on.
If you want to nail your date

you're going to have to tail
some gate, mkay?

If you want a touch down there, here are
some just the tips

to turn her tight end into a wide
receiver.

Make your starting... Oh! Make... Here we
go. You’re not gonna like this, guys.

Make your starting lineup some beautiful
cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis,

give her some Yeunglings to get her
tingling and pretty soon

you’ll be like a running back pounding it
up the middle. I have a small penis.

- What got there?
- What was that?

- I have a small penis.
- Yeah.

What, are you new here?
Wait, there's something...

different around here. I'm getting some
sort of message,

like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep.

My tighty whities spidey sense is
tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat.

No, I don't think... I don’t really know
what you’re talking about.

I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking
news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy

are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic
toy-toy.

That’s right, Colin and Pete
bought a ferry boat.

All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about
it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

Hey! We bought a ferry.
The windowless van of the sea.

Yeah. It’s very exciting. We
thought the whole thing through.

Yeah. I know. Even the mayor
tweeted about it,

which is how I found out we have a new
Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the
new mayor last week.

Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon
as my last sketch is over.

Wait, so you guys bought it together,
pulling a double teamer on this steamer.

Me likey. Way to get your deck
sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

- Actually, there is a third partner.
- Oh, I'm glistening.

We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia,
which is the name of a real person

and not a mafia themed wrestler.
We’re boat people now, Colin.

You always were. You look like you own
the yacht they rend for rap videos.

That's true.

We are having trouble finding a place to
dock the boat, though.

Fellas, that happens to me all the time.
Just start poking around downtown.

It will eventually slip in somewhere.
My thingy is a dinghy.

Well, actually, our boat is
300 feet long.

Look, it's the width that counts.
Mine's like a tuna can.

Also, we just keep...
We’re gonna keep...

No, that’s okay. We’re gonna
keep the boat docked.

You know, it’s not
gonna move on its own power.

You’re my best friend Colin Jost.

Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there?
Tight.

That’s just like me. There’s no
motion in this ocean.

When your pooner is on this schooner, all
are bored.

There’s no shame in paying for a tug.
Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

So, it’s like with your penis?
No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Three guys who just bought a boat,
everyone.

- For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.
- I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Hi. I’m legendary country music hit maker
Jeyner Keeblerely.

And I’m here to give you
the best news since last

bread was
recognized for insignificance.

Two of the greatest songsmith in the
history of time are back and at it again.

That’s right. I’m talking about Clancy T.
Bacharach

who proved there is a Yahweh
with songs like this.

Took my toddler at the school
And threw him in the pool

And that’s how we learn to swim

And then a spaceship flew down
And loaned us a towel

And we dried off our soaking bodies

As a show off our gratitude
I gave the aliens a beer jar and food

And a Model T card they belong to my step
brother’s life coach

And the woman who put the oo-oo in boot
scoot, Jackie Snad.

Took my model-T car
to the nearest salad bar

’Cause I craved some kale
and their kale was on sale

But the salad bar was closed because the
space ship exploded

So I drank a jar of beer with a toddler

For years now, these two funky junkie
joker monkeys thrilled global audiences

with songs about the four things they know
best.

Spaceships, toddlers, model-T cars
and jars of beer.

And after a 12 years sabbatical, these two
national treasures

have decided to once
again join forces.

I'm sorry.
Foin jorces.

No, I'm sorry.
I was right the first time.

They decided to join forces and release a
brand spanking new album,

'Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad sing
songs about

spaceships, toddlers, Model-T
cars and jars a beer again',

with ear caviar like this.

Oh, toddler did you hear
when I whispered in your ear

About the spaceship that was
parked in your yard

Next to a Model-T car
and some beer in a jar

But without any gas
they couldn’t get too far

So they hitchhiked down the road
with a turkey and a toad

And a face full of hope and regret

But then a truck passed by
and he ran over those guys

And now the turkey is dead
and the toad’s on life support

Oh man. It gives you the shivers,
doesn’t it?

And an important message sung
importantly. You want less? Sorry.

Because while there’s more than one way to
skin a cat,

there’s only one way to put
that skin back on.

With beautiful music
like this little slow jelly.

The eyes of God are crying

’cause the toddlers have been lying

Oh yes, those little sons of guns have
stolen from nuns

Who trusted them to guard
their model-T cars

And now they’ll meet the wrath of God
and burn and toddler hell

Unless they call their friends,
the aliens to send a ship down

But God will find them there, he’s
everywhere, he’s well connected

And then he’ll zapp them with
a lightning bolt

And burn them to a crisp
and drink a jar of beer

To celebrate their deaths,
it’s a cautionary tale

For little naughty toddlers
who disrespect nuns,

For they will find themselves...
in...

Toddler Hell!

Toddler Hell!

Toddler Hell!

Toddler Hell!

Man, oh, man. That song gave me all the
feels. Minus a few feels.

Plus more feels than a few feels
that were subtracted.

And if that wasn’t enough eargasm already,
check out this reworking of

one of their timeless classics which was
recently submitted by NASA

and Chef Bobby Flay to be the new official
song of the National Football League.

Oh, football for your feet and balls
combine to make your name

And your field is soaked in urine from
incontinent spaceships

And one day, a toddler will distract you
as you hike your little leather ball

And a model-T car will catch a
hail Mary from a beer jar

and win the Super Bowl
Oh, football sport,

Oh, football sport
Oh, football sport

Oh, football sport
Here is your official new football song

That's right! That’s right.

So, to order, send cash wrapped in napkins
to Clancy T. Bacharach

and Jackie Snad
album offer, care of Jeyner Keeblerely,

36 Donkey Donut Court,
Pickletits, Delaware, 938273.

Once again, Maneskin!

MacGruber, he kind of spiraled down on an
internet rabbit hole

MacGruber, he lost some friends and family
and they staged an intervention

MacGruber, he’s got his act together now
MacGruber

Looks like we're trapped,
MacGruber.

And a hydrogen bomb is set to
blow in 30 seconds!

So, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, these
Hollywood celebrities are eating babies.

They devour them. They’re insatiable.
Like, the way horse worms eat spaghetti.

Raw babies, cooked babies, I’m sure they
have a variety of recipes.

That’s what’s happening out there and
nobody is doing anything about it.

Can we concentrate on the
bomb?

Oh, that’s not a big enough bomb for you
to find out that Ellen Pompeo eats babies?

- I knew it.
- God, you're so brainwashed.

- I'm sorry, in what way?
- Just look at how you're dressed.

Oh, forgive me for not shopping at
Cheaps-R-Us like you.

I’m just your average American who
believes in limited government.

My body, my choice, for men,

and suppress voting rights for
alternatively skin people.

Now, I’m not sure
how that makes me brainwashed.

- MacGruber, focus. Please.
- You're right, okay.

Vicky, hand me all the remains
of America's soul.

- What? There's nothing there.
- Welcome to the real world.

- Look, I'm just a shaman.
- 15 seconds.

All I can do is pray for you,
take up arms against you,

and keep the oath I took to protect
this country.

Because I am an oath keeper and,
boy, am I proud of that.

Which I guess makes me a proud
boy.

Do you even understand what
you're saying right now?

- Probably not.
- Macgruber, if we don't deal

with this bomb, we are going to
explode.

- 5 seconds.
- According to CNN.

- 4 seconds.
- Cancel culture.

- 3 seconds.
- Not my clock.

- 2 seconds.
- Hollywood elite.

1 second.

Though I do kind of like some
streamers on Peacock.

MacGruber

Thanks to Maneskin,
thanks to Willem Dafoe,

the amazing Kristen Wiig,
Lorne Michaels.

This amazing cast back here. And this
crew, they have been like a family to me.

And my own family up there, too.
Love you all.

Thank you for this experience.