All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E02.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

You’re watching C-SPAN on the
Saturday night. Wow.

We now return to coverage of the Facebook
Hearings In Congress.

Once again, I would like to thank the
Facebook whistleblower for coming forward.

Thank you. It’s nice to
be in an office with no skateboards.

Now, my colleagues are eager to ask you
questions

about the inner workings of
Facebook and Instagram.

The chair recognizes senator Feinstein of
California.

Ms. Haugen, I applaud
your testimony here today.

What Facebook has done is disgraceful and
you better believe

congress will be taking action...

right after we pass the infrastructure
bill, raise the debt ceiling,

prosecute those responsible for the
January 6th insurrection

and stop Trump from using executive
privilege

even though he’s no longer president.
After all that, you watch out Facebook!

Well, as a former Facebook engineer, I’m
here today because I have seen first hand

how Facebook products harm children, stoke
division and weaken our democracy.

I appreciate that. My question is I have
2000 friends on Facebook. Is that good?

Is it good?

Like, is that a lot? 2000 sounds like a
lot. How many does Drake have? 4000?

I think
he has like, 50 million.

Oh my god. No wonder
he never answered my poke.

Thank you, senator Feinstein. The chair
recognizes senator Kennedy of Louisiana.

Ms. Haugen, you’ve told us a lot of
disturbing information

about this so
called ‘Algorithm’.

I just wanna clear up
a few points. Where is it?

The algorithm?

Yes. Do you
have it with you now?

No. But there are algorithms in all our
phones and computers.

Not mine. I got a JitterBug
flip phone.

Only lets me call my son or
the hospital.

Now, exactly how big is this
algorithm? Stop me when I get there.

Please stop.

Woo-whii! That’s pretty big.
No further questions.

Senator Cruz from Texas.

Yes. I was...

Yes. I was particularly drawn to
your testimony about bullying online,

how some teenagers and even some adult
man are bullied almost constantly.

It’s very disturbing.

So, I’m wondering how do you
turn off that feature on Facebook

where everyone comments on all your posts
and says you’re bad and they hate you.

Well, there’s an
option to turn off comments.

Okay. Excellent.

Now, I’m also concerned about the toxic
extremist groups you mentioned.

I’ve seen groups with hateful names like
“Ted Cruz sucks”

or “Ted Cruz is the real zodiac killer” or
“How Ted Cruz have kids when he a virgin”.

Now, shouldn’t you flag those as
misinformation?

“Ted Cruz sucks” isn’t really
misinformation.

It’s just one person’s opinion.

Well, that’s more
than one person’s opinion.

Thank you. The chair recognizes senator
Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

Thank you, Ms. Haugen.
I believe that Instagram is toxic

to the body image to the impressionable
young Americans, specifically me.

I see all these beefy guys on my discover
page and I’m lifting and I’m sweating

and nothing’s popping. No biceps, no
triceps, no delts.

I’m trying to get swole
for Comic-Con but it is so hard to cosplay

as a boy when you don’t have the V.
Everyone knows you need the V.

I’m sorry.
Is there a question?

I’m just saying these young girls are
trying to get a face that don’t exist.

They want the fox eye, the high cheek,
Emily Ratajkowski brow,

they’re doing botox, Juvéderm, Kybella,
Restylane,

and I’m like, “Girl, that ain’t a face.
That’s a filter.” I’m sorry, I’m bad.

I’m just gonna move on.
Senator Cory Booker.

Thank you, Ms. Haugen.

I was particularly disturbed by your
testimony about how Facebook

choose profits over the well being of our
children.

Rosario and I were discussing this very
issue just the other day. Rosario Dawson.

Right.

Yeah, she
and I are... um... dating.

That’s great.

So, my question is, does that
make sense? Right?

Like, when I stand next to her in a photo,
that looks regular?

Oh, I don’t feel comfortable
answering that.

Ms. Haugen. I have another question. It’s
been burning a back hole in my pocket.

When you open an incognito window on
Google,

does that prevent God from seeing
what you’re googling?

You know, that sounds
like maybe a question for the Bible.

And I will ask the Bible.
Thank you, Ms. Haugen.

Senator Kennedy,
you have a follow up?

Yeah. Uh, Ms. Haugen, could you explain
how this photo showed up in my feed?

What is that?

That’s what I’d like to know.
It looks like the cast

from the live action version
of Space Jam is taking a selfie?

Now, is that pornographic?

Not yet. But it
feels like it’s heading there?

I had one in
my feed as well. What is this?

Is Facebook pressuring teens to do this?

To slowly morph into mice? Is this the
Stewart Little challenge?

No. I think that’s an image from an old
book series called Animorphs.

Oh my god. That looks
like something I found on the dark web.

Oh, that reminds me, is the
dark web the same as black Twitter?

Oh my god!

Let’s try to keep these
questions pertinent. Now,

what about Squid Game?
What is that?

Oh. America is in a lot of debt right now.
Should we do a Squid Game?

You know, I was put in a Squid
Game recently

and they made me the guy
from Spongebob.

“When Texas is freezing
and you in Mexico.”

I gotta ask about this one too.

“When the edible kicks in
and you da substitute.”

Is that what the kids
are calling a may-may (meme).

There’s this one too.

“How it started and how it’s going.”

Is this making teens feel bad about their
hair loss?

Guys, you
don’t have to do this.

Okay, one more.

“When you
meet bitches that like vegetables.”

Because that came up when I searched for
“Tom Brady old face”.

Guys, order. Please. Stop showing
Ms. Haugen memes you found online.

It’s may-may (meme).

Let’s adjourn for lunch.
But first I’m told we have a video

response coming in from the Founder of a
very important social media site.

- No.
- Hi everyone.

No! No! We don’t need any
more from that guy.

I mean, let’s go to
the OG social media king.

Oh, hey.

I’m Tom from MySpace.
Remember me? I was harmless.

I’m not doing any of that weird algorithm
stuff. We barely maintained the website.

So, come on by. Check out your friend’s
band from 20 years ago

and let’s make America top eight again.

And live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night.

Musical guest, Halsey.

And your host, Kim Kardashian West.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kim Kardashian West.

Thank you. Thank you
guys so much.

I’m Kim Kardashian West and
it’s so great to be here tonight.

I know.
I’m surprised to see me here too.

When they asked, I was like,
“You want me to host? Why?

I haven’t had a movie
premiere in a really long time.”

I mean, I only had that one movie come out
and no one told me it was even premiering.

It must have slipped my mom’s mind.

I’m excited to be here tonight to show you
guys that I’m so much more than

just a pretty face.

But, and good hair, and great makeup, and
amazing boobs and a perfect butt.

Basically, I’m just so much more than that
reference photo

my sisters show their
plastic surgeons.

But the one thing that I’m really proud of

is that no one could ever call me a gold
digger.

Honestly, I’m not even sure how
you become one.

So, I asked my mom’s boyfriend Corey.

I’ve been very lucky in life and I know
that I’m privileged,

which is why I try to
give back as much as I can.

A real passionate mind is getting wrongly
accused people out of jail.

Thank you.

You know, I think I’m following in my
father’s footsteps.

Now, my father was and still is such an
influence and inspiration to me,

and I credit him with really opening up my
eyes to racial injustice.

It’s because of
him that I met my first black person.

Do you want to take a stab
in the dark of who it was?

I know it’s sort of weird to remember the
first black person you met,

but O.J. Does leave a mark, or several, or
none at all. I still don’t know.

Listen, I’m an influencer. I understand
that the things that I say carry weight.

But I would never tell anyone what they
can or can’t do.

Remember, I’m a Kim, not
a Karen.

And honestly,

with all of the ‘K’ names, it’s really
impressive that my mom didn’t pick Karen.

I mean, somehow she just knew.

I don’t know how she saw that one coming
and not Katlyn.

Now, I know we’re divided as a country but
I love America to come together.

Which is why I’m here to announce that I’m
running for... I’m just kidding guys.

I’m not running for president.

We can’t have three failed politicians in
one family.

I’ve been very blessed in this life and
I’m grateful for everything.

Honestly, all the ups, all the downs.

I mean, I married the best rapper of all
time.

Not only that, he’s the richest
black man in America.

A talented legit
genius who gave me four incredible kids.

So, when I divorced him, you have to know
it came down to just one thing.

His personality.

I know that sounds mean but people keep
telling me that comedy comes from truth.

And if there’s one thing that I always
thrived to be, it’s genuine.

I just want to say how incredibly excited
I am to be up here on this stage tonight.

I mean, I’m so used to having 360
million followers watching my every move.

I mean, how many people watch SNL?
10 million?

So, tonight it’s just a chill
intimate night for me.

So, we have a really great show for you
tonight. Halsey is here.

So, stick around
and we’ll be right back.

You’re watching the Disney channel.

We now return to the 1992 Aladdin when
Aladdin was still white.

Wow. From up here, we can see
the entire middle east where I’m from.

This is so beautiful, Aladdin.

I’ve never got to see what it’s like
outside of the palace.

But it’s even
better seeing it with you.

Jasmine, there’s something
I need to tell you.

What? What’s the matter?

Do you feel self-conscious because I’m the
daughter of the sultan

and you’re just a
lowly street rat?

Oh, I think street rat might be
a slur but okay.

It’s not that.

Are you intimidated that I’m
friends with a ton of wealthy celebrities

and your only friend is a monkey?

Again, not nice. But it’s
something else.

Jasmine, as we start
getting more intimate,

I’m just a little concerned that

physically I can’t handle you.

What do you mean?

I... I mean that if we go all the way,

you might break me.

My thing might just
break.

Don’t be silly.

I wish I was being silly. But
look at us.

You’re a lot of woman and I’m so frail
because all I eat is stolen bread.

Aladdin, relax. I really
like you. I really do.

And I really like you too.

I want to do everything with you.
See the world

and laugh together and sing songs
and do sex.

I wouldn’t call it doing sex.

I’m just...

I’m worried that if I
try to go in,

I might not make it in all
the way there.

Aladdin, don’t worry. I’m sure
you’re more than enough man for me.

Ah! Thanks, Jasmine.

Hey, out of curiosity, what were your
other boyfriends like?

Well, I guess I dated a few
athletes and some rappers,

and I dated the king of Uganda for a while
and that was crazy.

- Oh, hey, Jasmine. Cool carpet.
- Hey, Jourtney.

That’s my sister, Jourtney. We all have
‘J’ names.

And this is my new boyfriend,
Ezekiel Elliott, of the Dallas Cowboys.

What’s up, Jasmine?
Ay, little dude!

Jasmine taking you on a little carpet ride
for your little birthday?

You don’t have to say little in front of
everything. It’s actually my carpet.

Oh, that’s nice. Little
guy’s got his own little carpet.

You like sports, little guy?

Ay, you want autographed
ball for your little birthday?

I don’t. I mean, sure.
Yeah. Actually, yeah.

What is it? Al-ladda? You
know what? I’ma just put little Al.

There you go, buddy.

Oh, his tiny
hands dropped the ball.

Oh! Bye,
Jasmine. Bye, little Al.

Okay, now, where were we?

Jasmine, I don’t think I can do
this.

I mean, I want to but when you sat
on my lap the other day,

I think you
could feel how much wanted to.

Oh. I thought that was
just a roll of life savers.

Alright. That’s it.
Genie, please, Genie.

You summoned?

Yeah. I’m ready
to use my third wish.

Oh wow. The one you
were saving to set me free?

Yeah, we’re gonna scrap that.
You see,

I want you to make me like
Pinocchio, but like, down there.

You don’t have to wish for that.

It’s fine. They always promise me
freedom, but

at the end of the day, it’s
always bigger penis. As you wish!

Oh! Wow! Thanks, Genie.
Check it out, Jasmine.

Wow, that is better. Even though
it’s the wrong color.

But you really
didn’t have to do that.

I mean, I like you
just the way you are.

Now, are you gonna
kiss me or not?

I sure am, Jasmine.

Move over, king of Uganda!
Oh, no! He didn’t give me balls!

A whole new world

Guys, I don't know about this.
I haven't been to a club since forever.

Come on. It's gonna be so much fun.
We used to always do this.

Yeah, in our 20s.

Well, all I do is take care of these
kids, okay? I need this.

All right. Come on, guys.
Let's go in.

All my grown and sexy ladies, stand up

You give so much to everyone else, it's
time you had one night out for yourself

- And it's gonna be a long night
- Tell 'em, Angie

Grown-ass women, and we out for the night

We make our own money, and you know we
looking right

Boss-ass lady, and I run my household

I'm buying all the bottles, and they
better be cold

I left my man at home, and my kids are
with the nanny

Dress so tight, all the haters can't stand
me

I'm in the VIP and the music is pumping
I get up on the counch and...

Grown-ass women in the club
Boss-ass women in the club

Probably too old for the club

Ain't nowhere to sit in this whole-ass
club?

Blowing up the night from toe to head

Six-inch heels and the bottom's all red

Dancing in these shoes that I never get to
wear

Looking so hot that I...

I don't know how I used to wear those.

I'm on the dance floor
And the boys all drooling

They can't get enough of the way that I'm
moving

They're playing my song, but it seems a
little faster

Is it just me, or does Rihanna sound
faster?

It's definetly faster
It's way too loud

Who need a song to be this damned loud?

I've been taking care of my body
Everyday yoga and pilates

But tonight I'm feeling naughty

So I'mma eat what I want and drink what I
want and...

No, no, no.

- Girl, you know you can't have dairy.
- Yes, thank you!

That's not very helpful, at this point,
thought, Tasha.

Would you like some help to get out of
there?

Yes!

Oh, looks like Trish woke up.

Talk to 'em, Trish.

I know you little girls
ain't laughing at me

For your information,
I wasn't asleep

I was resting my eyes,
Why you worry about me?

But now I'm wide awake and...

Grown-ass women in the club
I can't hear in this club

Boy you wanna dance?
Well, get in line

'Cause when I move my body,
it's so damned fine

I'll make you an offer
that you can't refuse

$500 if you give me your shoes

I see a cute boy
He's all in my face

He's grinding my booty
and he's grabbing my waist

He grabs my waist harder and I...

No, no, no...

Yo, you good, ma?

We doing hella shots and
I'm checking on traffic

We making it clap and I'm
checking on traffic

We dropping them brats while
I'm checking on traffic

Yo, they're saying it's
gonna be hella traffic.

Yo, wee need to head out.
What time is it?

It's 9:01.

- Where are your shoes?
- Long story.

Where's Trish?

I took two power naps
Now your girl's fully...

No, no, no.

- What?
- No, we lost.

- Well, this was so fun.
- Girl, stop.

One mansion full of cool single guys

and one eligible lady hoping to find her
very own, the dream guy.

Welcome back.

Rochelle, you’ve had a week
full of exciting dates with the guys.

But now, it’s time to make a decision.
Whenever you’re ready.

Wow. In front of me are some of
the best guys I’ve ever met my whole life.

You are all so amazing and you should be
so proud of the men that you are.

When I look at you all here, there is no
doubt in my mind

that my husband is in
this room.

In fact, I wish I can marry
each and every one of you,

but that would
be way too many husbands.

When I call your name, please step forward
and accept your token.

First up, Chase C.

Chace, I had so much fun at the Go Cart
track with you.

Thank you for telling me all about your
gigantic hit show Gossip Girl.

My pleasure, Rochelle.

Do you accept
this token of my love?

Sure, thank you.

I’m also on “The Boys”, FYI.
Okay, bye.

Next up, Tyler C.

Tyler, thank you so much for showing me
your perfectly hot body.

That was really vulnerable of you.

Do you accept this token?

I do, Rochelle. Thank you.
I’ll see you on the hot tub.

Power forward for the Brooklyn
Nets, Blake G.

Blake G., I’m gonna be honest,

your behavior at the luau barbecue was
inexcusable.

Yep, you’re right. It was.

But you’re also a six time NBA
All Star and that intrigues me.

Do you accept this token?

Yeah, absolutely, Rochelle.
And you know what? I’ll work on that.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Way to go, Blake! Way to go, Blake!

Next up, Chris R.

Chris R., thank you for making me watch
your nine HBO specials and

the new one on Netflix while you sat next
to me and you mouthed all of the words.

I had a blast.

We can watch
Chappelle next time.

Thanks. Do you
accept this token?

You know I do.

Okay, this might be against the
rules,

but I’ve really connected with one
of the producers on the show.

Amy S.

Amy S., even though I’ve never dated a
woman before,

I just feel like there’s
something that...

No, shh. Shh.
I feel the same.

Do you accept this token?

With both of my holes.

Okay guys, this is where it
gets really, really hard.

Jesse W.

Jesse W., I didn’t talk to you one single
time this entire week...

It's true.

But you literally are the most attractive
human I’ve ever seen.

So, will you accept
this token?

Oh, I do.

You guys are my
best friends.

You’re the man, Jesse!
Yeah!

Alright, Rochelle. You have one
token remaining.

It’s down to record breaking
WWE superstar John Cena or Zeke.

Whenever you’re ready.

Okay, I’m sorry guys.
I just need a second.

- It’s okay.
- Take your time.

Take your time, sweetheart.
All good. Take your time.

Okay. Okay.

You are both amazing.

I mean, John C., you’re kind, considerate,
mega jacked and very, very rich.

Thank you.

And Zeke, although you’re
not my normal type physically...

Okay...

I was really attracted to your
silly vibe and your sunny demeanor.

I mean, I particularly enjoyed meeting
your original character

Sherlock the Cat
who was hilarious.

Elementary, my dear fur ball.

That being said, I don’t think
you asked one single question about me

our entire date.

You sure?

And then at the pool,
you were afraid to go swimming.

I wouldn’t say afraid.
But yea, scared.

And John C., I don’t
love that you have a wife.

That’s fair. That’s very fair.

But now, I have to make a
decision.

Zeke or movie star and 16 time
WWE champion John Cena.

I’m just gonna
follow my heart.

John Cena.

Wait, what?

Thank you.

John C., I’m really gonna need
you to figure out your wife situation.

But first, do you accept this token?

This is crap!

Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes.

Thank you. I really thought it was gonna
be Zeke.

Sorry, Zeke. You did not receive
tonight’s token.

Say your goodbyes and
walk into the pit.

Wow. Um, this one hurts.

I’ll definitely miss being in the house
with the guys... and Amy Schumer.

And, Rochelle, you’re a sweetheart.

But you really F’ed up today.

So long.

Thank you, Zeke. Pit’s right there.

Well, Zeke lost fair and square and
paid for it with his life.

We’ll be right
back with more “The Dream Guy”.

Kim, it’s
so fun having you here.

Aw, Aidy, I’m
having so much fun too.

I mean, your life seems so exciting.

Like, jets and sisters and underpants
company.

Oh, Kim, are you crying?

A little. I’m just so busy
all the time.

I just want one normal
boring day.

Kind of like the day you have
everyday.

Ouch. But it’s true. I mean,

I kind of wish we could just switch
places.

Well, I do
have this magic clock.

Wait a minute.

You wanna use this clock’s dark magic to
switch places for 24 hours

without anyone
knowing?

Okay, bitch.

Tick-tock one and tick-tock two,

you are me and I am you for one day.

- Kim, who are you wearing?
- Um, a bunch of clothes.

Are you ready
to take the bar exam?

Wait, what?

- Hey, Aidy.
- Yes, I’m Aidy.

I was thinking in “The Office” sketch,
we’re gonna have you play Paula Deen,

and you’ll do a little racist dance.
Do you like that?

Yeah. Seems
like I would say yes.

Yes, you’re looking great, Kim.

Do you have a few more in you?

Yeah. Maybe
get the whole body?

Hey, yesterday did she have that
massive bush?

All men want a
piece of this. Natural sex.

Medical grade sunscreen.

Aw, it’s like chowder.

Hey guys, I just wanted to show you that
I’m wearing, like, a little brown bra,

and, um, it feels really cool, really
different than my usual very firm girdle.

So yeah, I think I pretty much decided I’m
gonna stay like this forever.

Like, I’m not gonna do, like, the clock
stuff again, ever.

Hi, I’m trying to reach Kim Kardashian.
It’s urgent.

Okay. Can
I ask who is calling?

- This is Aidy Bryant.
- Oh, then no.

Where the [bleep] is that
clock?

What clock?

- Who are you?
- Your husband.

Oh man, I really love my new
family.

I always wanted to have like, a
famous sister and a famous mom.

Oh, Kim, you’re
being so funny today.

And these drinks you made,
what are they called again?

Milkshakes.

Yeah, so basically it’s like, ice-cream in
a cup that you can drink with the meal,

like, a burger or whatever.

Love you, girl.

Hey, is there any cash that’s just like,
around maybe I could like, have?

I have some cash right here.
What do you need, honey?

Oh, mom!

I need my life back!
Where’s that clock?

Who is this?

Ew, I don’t know. But you
have to go. There’s no clocks in here.

I know it’s here.
Give it to me.

Go back to Arizona
you stupid lizard trash.

Do you mean this clock?

No!

Thank God I’m back to
being Kim.

Good. You know what?
I knew something was off.

Totally agree, my daughters.
Hey, let’s get this bitch out.

I’m not Aidy. It’s me.
It’s mom! I’m Kris.

Yeah, they all say that.
Send her to jail.

No. You got the wrong girl.

Thanks mom. Argh, I can’t
believe I slept with Aidy’s husband.

What? Damn!

Welcome back to Channel 7 Eyewitness News,
“You news it, you lose it!”

Still working
on that slogan.

I prefer mine.
“News: It’s what happened recently.”

In just a minute, we’ll
throw it over to Felix Cruz with sports.

I got all the scores for you
baby, except baseball and football.

But first, it’s the live drawing of
tonight’s power ball lotto jackpot.

Let’s go to Shonda
at the lottery headquarters.

And I’m Shonda.
And the first ball up...

...is three.
The next...

...is seven.
The next...

...is nine.

And the last...

...is ‘J’.

Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-7-9-J.
Back to you, Jim.

Shonda, I don’t think there’s supposed to
be letters in the lotto drawing.

Yeah. Give us a second on that.

In the meantime, let’s go to Ronda with
the numbers for tonight’s double play.

And thank you. I’m Ronda. Tonight’s
double play jackpot is money.

And first ball up is three.

The next is 4000.

The next is blank.

And the last is Milwaukee Bucks.

Making tonight’s winning numbers
3-4000-blank-Milwaukee Bucks.

Back to you, Jim.

The numbers aren’t
supposed to go above 10.

Yeah. And
was there a blank in there?

I also think that one of the balls from
the NBA draft might have gotten mixed in.

Maybe there’s an issue with the tubes
feeding the balls up?

Well, let’s go back to Shonda who I’m told
has the correct numbers this time. Shonda.

And I’m Shonda. And you’re
watching lotteries.

The first ball up is three.

The next is meatball.

The next is meatball.

And the last is bread.

Making tonight’s lucky numbers,
3-meatball-meatball-bread.

Back to you, Jim.

Okay, those are the
ingredients of a meatball hero.

Yeah, that’s
what I ordered for lunch.

Maybe the lottery tube got
switched with the tube from the Deli?

So, delis use tubes?

Just trying to piece this
together in real time, Wendy.

Why don’t we go back to Ronda who has the
correct double play numbers?

I sure do, Ronda. I’m Ronda.
Good luck to all of you out there and me.

Oh. I don’t think
you’re supposed to play.

And the first ball up is
cellphone.

The next is car keys.

Oh god, now it’s just
stuff from my dressing room.

The next is wallet.

And the last is condoms.

Making tonight’s winning numbers
cellphone-car keys-wallet-condoms.

Back to you, Jim.

Thank you, Ronda.

You bring
condoms to work?

I think those were just
lollipops with sticks broken off.

Hey, I got an update for you.

Lottery lady ― one, Jim ― zero.

Dumb! Why don’t you focus on
getting football and baseball?

They won’t
tell me the scorers.

Alright. I’m being told that a repair man
is fixing the tubes as we speak.

So, Shonda should be ready now with the
real numbers. Shonda?

And I’m still Shonda.
The first ball up is screwdriver.

The next is mustache.
The next is finger.

And the last is blood.

Making tonight’s winning numbers
screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood.

Back to you, Jim.

Oh my god!

I know. She only throws back to you. What
about “Back to you Jim and Wendy”?

You’re pointing that out now?

I got another update for you.
Tubes ― one, repair man ― zero.

Dumb! Let’s take a break and
sort this out.

And hey, our apologies to Diana Ross who

has been sitting here patiently in the
studio.

Screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood.
I won!

Channel 7 Eyewitness News.
“News: It’s what’s happened recently.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Halsey.

It’s Weekend Update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thanks.
Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend
Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

Well...
Okay, okay.

This week we found out that sometimes a
guy in a hoodie actually can be dangerous.

Internal documents show that Facebook knew
its platform was used to spread

hate and misinformation but they hid the
evidence.

Now, the weird thing is I went
to school with Mark Zuckerberg

and I was there when he created Facebook.
And I feel terrible.

I mean sometimes I wish I had a time
machine so I could go back to college

and find Mark and say, “Hey man,
can I be part of your company?”

Facebook is also denying a report that
says using Instagram can cause users

to develop a negative body image,

which explains their rival’s new slogan
“TikTok, bring your fat ass over here”.

This week Instagram was down for an
entire day, forced many Instagram addicts

to fill their time with Twitter, TikTok
or hosting SNL.

Fox News turned 25 this week and they
celebrated their birthday

the same way I do. By paying white women
to say some nasty stuff.

Senate minority leader Mitch
McConnell seen here watching

a child fall into the gorilla enclosure,

McConnell has agreed to a deal to
temporarily raise the debt ceiling

through early December.

And then at that point, it’ll be almost
Christmas and

McConnell will be busy going around Toys
for Tots bins and gluing them shut.

Yesterday, president Biden issued a
historic proclamation

for indigenous people’s day.

Biden made the announcement
just moments after his staff

talked him out of wearing the headrest.

Indigenous peoples’ day by the way will be
observed simultaneously with Columbus day.

And this just in,

Columbus day has forced Indigenous
Peoples’ day to move to a worse day.

It was reported that ahead of the deadline
for all New York city schools’ employees

to get vaccinated, more than 18,000
employees got at least one shot last week.

And hopefully some of them got
the vaccine too.

In the wake of R. Kelly’s sex trafficking
conviction,

YouTube has removed two
channels linked with the singer.

One for his singing and the other about
how to remove stains.

It’s been a pleasure working here.

Bill Cosby said he
thinks R. Kelly “Got railroaded”

following
the singer’s sex trafficking conviction.

Cosby made the comments in the latest
issue of “Not Helping” magazine.

Well, it’s officially fall

which means, you guessed it, movies,
movies and more movies.

Here to give his picks of the season is
our very own film critic, Terry Fink.

Hey! Hi there.

Mr. Jost, an honor and a
privilege.

Welcome back, Terry.

Now, you’ve seen every single film out
there this year already.

How is it even
possible to see everything?

Sure, it’s possible, Colin.

In fact, I’ve found I can watch up to nine
movies at once,

thanks to a little friend
I call LSD.

Wait. You’re taking LSD?

Just micro-dosing.
It’s all the rage.

A little bit of LSD helps me
LS-see all these terrific films.

First up, “James Bond: No Time To Die”.

Well, shake up those martinis because
Bond is back

with a license to thrill
audiences.

Daniel Craig wows as the titular Brit,
until the third act when he bizarrely

transforms into a 50 foot tall Catholic
nun whipping me with my father’s belt.

That said, it’s a best movie I’ve ever
seen. Colin?

Yes, I don’t know, Terry. It sounds like
you might be more than micro-dosing.

Says the guy with no
mouth.

Relax, narc. Next up, the recent
“Paw Patrol: The Movie”.

Quick, someone call 9-fun-fun because this
hellish film is a skin melting nightmare.

A mostly confusing blur of colors, shrieks
and vibrating plaid,

this ‘pawdorable’ ode of fascism begs the
question

“Will I ever stop falling through this
bottomless void?”

Director Charles Manson will have you
standing in the isles, sweating buckets

and screaming a cab until the
theater is quietly evacuated.

I hated it. I loved it. I feared it. And I
accepted it as my one true god.

I give “Paw Patrol”
10 tini-tiny Terries.

Jamal?

It’s Colin. Terry, I think
you need to maybe ease up on the LSD.

Yeah. Sure.

Says the guy whizzing around
the studio like a humming bird.

I’m gonna get you, Colin.

Got ya!

- I’m over here.
- Oh, my God!

Don’t do that.

You okay man?

Next up, it’s breezy slice of life
Rom-Com, “Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage”.

I’m gonna be honest, I was a little high
for this one. But I got the gist.

Meryl Streep is flat out awful as Venom,
himself, but its new comer Jeff Bush

who thrills and chills as the Time Square
Elsa shoving me through

the window of M&M store.

I loved it so much, I ran 19 blocks in two
minutes.

I give it 22 toothless Terries.
Satan?

Oh, no. Terry Fink, everyone.

I don’t trust a vaccine.

Harry Styles revealed that
his 2019 song “Watermelon Sugar”

is about the female orgasm.

He also revealed the full title of the
song is “Watermelon Sugar (is a myth)”.

Clint Eastwood was awarded $6
million in a lawsuit against a company

that illegally used his image to sell
their cannabis products,

because nothing says ‘relaxed and stress
free’ like Clint Eastwood’s face.

A statue of George Floyd on display in
New York city park was defaced

for the second time.

Police are searching for the suspect

and are planning to serve him with a job
application.

Florida police discovered a meth lab on
the 15th floor of a luxury condo building

which in Florida is something they list in
the brochure.

Doctors are saying that a man
who came in to an emergency room

complaining about chest pain had a 10 cm
chunk of cement lodged in his heart.

Anyways, he’s dead.

A ninety...

A 96 year old German woman who was a
secretary at a Nazi concentration camp

has been released from detention.

She’s now safely
in a custody of her grandson.

And grandma, if you’re
watching, go to bed.

LEGO has announced
the release of its largest set ever,

a 9,000 piece replica of the Titanic.

Unfortunately, hundreds of those pieces
are just frozen Irishmen.

During the pandemic thousands
of adults in the US have been dealing with

mental health issues.

Here to talk about the power of positive
thinking is life coach Kelly Party.

Yeah, SNL! “I don’t care, I love it!”

That song is my Bible.

Okay. Well, how are you
doing, Kelly Party?

So, what qualifies
you to be a life coach?

Well, I have a PhD in
believing your dreams from Myself college.

I’m here to change your life, Michael
Che. So, have you met your goal?

What goal?

The goal I decided you need
to meet, Michael.

Your mission is to
dominate Update.

I want you to take all
the jokes so Colin Jost has none.

I don’t think
I can do that, Kelly Party.

Okay. So, you suck. Right off
the bat, you’re blowing it.

You know what
I say to that?

What?

I love it. That’s right. I
don’t care.

Michael Che sucks tonight and
I love it.

Okay wait, Kelly Party, that
doesn’t really help me

because I do care
and I don’t love that.

Oh, you know my favorite
thing about you, Michael?

It’s your name.
Michael Che.

Re-arrange the letters, what
does it spell?

I don’t know.

It spells good,
good, good, good guy.

There’s no ‘G’ in my name.

Hey wardrobe! Wardrobe! Could
we get this guy a handkerchief?

Because he’s sweating the small stuff.
Lorne, play my song.

[The song I love it by Icona
Pop starts playing.]

I love it. Michael Che can’t spell.

And you know what? I actually love it. I
actually love it.

Listen. Kelly Party, you’re a
life coach, right?

You have to give me a
technique that isn’t just a pop song.

Okay. You want the Master
Class, Michael.

You want positivity?
You want peace?

Okay, I’m all about peace.
Okay.

And what did I say my favorite
thing about you was?

- I’m a good guy.
- A goo guy. My Spider-man.

You could save the world, Michael. Okay,
let’s Spider-man, because get this, okay?

What if Spider-man shot peace out of his
webs instead of webs?

If Spider-man shot
peace out of his webs instead of webs,

then we would have no bad guys. Spider-man
would just shoot peace

out of his webs instead of webs then we
would have peace, guys.

Then we wouldn’t
have bad guys anymore,

then we would have peace. You know what? I
don’t know. Michael Che sucks.

Play my song.

No, wait! Stop the
music! Stop playing the...

- Kelly!
- What?

There’s no way I’m going
to pay you hundreds of dollars...

Thousands, Michael.

You charge thousands
of dollars for this?

Yes, I don’t care. I love it.

Honestly, I respect it. Lorn,
play that sone again.

- Kelly Party, everybody!
- Hi, mom. Hi, Spider-man.

For Weekend Update, I’m
Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Hulu, it’s
that thing you steal.

For 20 years, you’ve watched
the Kardashian family

bicker and squabble
over everything.

I will literally [bleep] you up.

Now, a new show that’s also
that, but with a little more structure.

It’s “The People’s Kourt” with a ‘K’.
Starring judge Kourtney Kardashian.

Order, order. Order in the
Kourtney. I’m good at this.

Watch as she puts her judginess to good
use

and tackles the most serious family
issues.

Kim, Khloe, what's the problem?

- Kim stole my make up artist.
- Oh, my God! I needed him today.

You’re wearing MET Gala outfit. No
one can even see your face.

- You’re such a diva slore.
- You’re just jealous.

Hm, fine. But the next time you
need to use the restroom,

I’m not helping you ou krrr.

- Wait. For real?
- For real.

She doesn’t hold punches. She
doesn’t play favors.

And mostly, she just
doesn’t care.

Even with her own mom.

Mom, why are you
suing Kylie and Kendall?

I am suing Kylie because she hasn’t
had her baby yet.

We have a whole marketing PR plan and
she’s costing us money.

I can’t grow it faster, mom.

Yes, you can. Take it from me.

I had Khloe. I made her in four months.

So, do you Kegel exercises and use your
vagin.

Mom, I am.

Whatever. And mom,
why are you suing Kendall?

Well, I’m suing Kendall because she
has absolutely no drama.

She won’t cause
any drama and it’s damaging our brand.

I’m a Jenner, not a Kardashian.

And that’s something
you need to work on, honey.

Ew, this is so cringe. Guilty!

Who’s guilty? Me? Mom? Or Kylie?

I don’t care. You pick.

There’s time for more than
legal drama

because even a judge has to
let her hair down.

With Kourtney’s boyfriend straight out of
the year 2000 Blink 182, Travis Barker.

Travis, baby. I have to do my
show.

I can’t help it, your honor.

Oh, my God, did you
just call me your honor?

- Yeah.
- Babe...

- Baby...
- Babe, you’re so epic.

Oh, you’re so punk.

Will you drum 'All the Small
Things' on my ass when we get home?

Hands or sticks?

Both, baby.

Baby...

Male voice:It’s the Kardashian family like
you’ve always seen them before.

Lives will be changed.
Shade will be thrown.

Okay, Kim, Kanye,
what’s the problem?

Ay Fam. I’m suing Kim because
people always coming after me

about when I tweet, but actually she
haaacked me.

What?

I said Kim haaacked me.

Are you saying hacked?

Yeah, bro. Like okay, does this
even sound like me?

“Who’s seen the play ‘Wicked’? I’ve seen
it four times.” That ain’t me, fam.

That was you, Kanye.
That’s your favorite play.

Okay, fine. I do love that musical.

But what about this one? “What do I have
to do to get a simple Persian rug

with cherub imagery? Ugh.”
That can’t be me fam.

No. It was you. That’s
your favorite rug.

Okay, fine. It’s beautiful.

What about this? “Wiz Khalifa, I like your
pants.” Actually, that was me.

Case dismissed.

This is so boring. Bring me my
bailiffs and best friends,

Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox.

Hey, what’s up?

Wait, why are we best friends?

Because our boyfriends
have tattoos for necks.

Oh right, I love him.

Ha, I love you too.

I wrote you an
Instagram caption, babe.

Oh,
that’s fire. Alright.

Achingly beautiful boy.

Toxic.

Viral.

Twin flame. Rehab barbie.

Oh. I
wish I could vape you.

A yo! A yo! Keep in mind, this is
coming from Kanye, but ya’ll weird.

On “The People’s Kourt”, you
never know who’s gonna stop by.

Okay, finally the
last case on the docket.

Ay, Kourtney, it’s me, O.J. Simpson.
You know. The Juice.

Your dad’s old friend. Ay, how come ya’ll
don’t invite me to anything anymore.

Where is everybody going?

“The People’s Kourt” on Hulu.
All judgements are legally binding.

Oh, I
don’t know about that.

- Oh, I’m gonna have a drink.
- Yes, sir. Watcha sipping on?

- Probably just a hard seltzer.
- Nice. What kind?

Just a JC Penny.

- The department store?
- Yeah, they’re doing hard seltzers now.

What?

Yeah. Ever since White
Claw blew up, everyone’s doing them.

Bud LIght, Corona, JC Penny.

Don’t they
just make clothes?

Yeah, I don’t know, man.
Okay? I’m not in the board of the company.

This is just a thing that I like.

What flavor is it?

Men’s jackets?

It’s not all men’s jackets. It’s a variety
pack. I’m sippin’ on belts and ties.

Does it taste
like belts and ties?

No, it tastes
like grape. You stupid?

- Ben in the house.
- Oh, Ben man.

- Oh, you drinking JCPs?
- You know it!

- You know about this?
- Got some seltzers myself.

- Jiffy Lube?
- Lube it up. Cheers man. Good to see you.

What is going on?

Come on! Everyone’s
doing it. JC Penny, Jiffy Lube.

Exxon, Verizon.

- Dr. Riccardi.
- Who?

My dentist.

That one’s
actually really good.

I don’t understand
why you like these.

You don’t have to
understand everything, John.

Yeah, like, we don’t understand what you
see in your girlfriend.

- What?
- We don’t get angry.

- No, we don’t yell at you.
- No.

Am I awake?

- I also got the summer variety pack.
- Oh, nice. This is awesome.

That’s for everybody. And
John, if you want one, take one.

- Oh! I hate it when these get in there.
- A belt buckle?

Yeah. JC Penny ones,
sometimes they get in there.

Stop slurping like that.

Just chill out. Oh, who is this impression
of? Oh, I’m John.

- John.
- Me.

- Yeah, it’s John.
- Oh, yeah, that’s cool.

- Does the [bleep] desk have one?
- I don’t know. Probably not.

I don’t know.

Okay, so yeah. The desk
has one.

- What is going on?
- Try one!

Fine!

That’s pretty good. Oh, my God!

- Cheers!
- Cheers, brother!

I was wrong.

DESK Hard Seltzer,
it’s in the desk.

And once again, Halsey and Lindsey
Buckingham.

I’m Kim Kardashian West.
I’m a mother, millionaire,

law student and billionaire.

I’m also the proud owner of Skims shape
wear products.

Skims is giving comfort and support to
millions of women of all shapes and sizes.

But we’re just getting started.

Introducing new Skims shape wear for thick
dogs.

The only product on the market that will
comfortably accentuate your dog’s curves,

no matter how thick that butt.

Hi. I’m D’ennis, hair designer at
Skims for thick dogs.

And this is my dog Dilicious.

As you can see, she ain’t no toothpick.
Home girl got a badonk like her daddy.

Making it almost impossible to find
clothes for her until now.

Now she looks so good, I can’t believe
she’s still with me.

but don’t
just take our word for it.

As a dog owner, I was amazed at the
wide selection of fashionable looks

for tiny skinny dogs. But full figured
dogs need a way

to show what they’re
working with too. Thanks Skims.

All the other dogs used to pay no
attention to my thick dog.

But now with Skims we can’t walk down the
street without rockets popping out.

My dog used to be ashamed of how she
looked. But Skims gave her confidence.

And now, she’s dating Scott Disick.

Wait, these are for dogs?

They sure are.

And Skims for thick dogs come in all the
classic Skims colors.

Like beige, brown, and that’s it.

Now, every dog can be a
designer dog with Skims for thick dogs.

And they only take
like, 90 minutes to put on.

And I know what you’re thinking. Did we
make holes where the poop comes out?

And the answer is obviously no. That is
gross. Get your mouth out the gutter.

So, stop wasting all your money in getting
cosmetic surgery on your dog

and just get Skims.

And turn your good
girl into a bad bitch.

New Skims for thick ass dogs.

Looks so good, you’ll be saying,

“Damn! Am I really thinking this about a
dog right now?”

I wanna thank Halsey, Linsdey Buckingham,
my mom, Kris, and my sister Khloe.

Thank you to Chase Crawford, Tyler
Cameron, Blake Griffin, Chris Rock,

Amy Schummer, Jesse Williams, John Cena.

Thank you, Lauren Michael and the entire
cast and crew.

And thank you to Kanye and the rest of my
family for being such good sports.

I love you, guys, so much.
Good night!