All language subtitles for Sleeping.Dogs.Lie.2006.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX eng]

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[cheerful music]

["Boum" by
Charles Trenet playing]

[dog moans]

[Amy]
My name is Amy.

And yes, at college,
I blew my dog.

I don't know why,

maybe it was just
out of boredom

or just as some kind
of dumb experiment.

Like when you know
something is burning hot
but you touch it anyways,

and you're surprised
when you get burned.

Ugh.

I'm not into bestiality
in any way.

No, no, no.

It was just something
completely stupid.

Immediately,
I was full of guilt but,

at the same time,
as disgusting as it was,

another part of me
kind of thought
it was funny.

I could never tell anyone.
Anyone!

Not friends, although it would
be a hell of an icebreaker
at a cocktail party.

Anyone here besides me
know what canine semen
tastes like?

And I certainly couldn't tell
any boyfriend.

Men are insecure
enough about their penises.

There's no need to bring
the whole animal kingdom
into it.

As the years went by,
when it popped into my mind,

it was, like it was something
that happened to someone else.

Like a movie I had watched,
not starred in.

I never had to tell
any boyfriends because
I was never that serious

about any of my lovers,
that I felt the need
to be totally honest.

Until now.

Until John.

And that is why
my life was turning to shit.

[John]
Penny for your thoughts.

Where did you go?

Sorry.

What were you thinking about?

Nothing.

You were thinking
about something.

-A friend.
-Friend?

Friend means a guy.
Is there a boyfriend
you haven't told me about?

No, just a...

-companion.
-Ahh.

Do you love me?

-More than anything.
-How much?

I love you more
than anything
in the whole wide world.

Good.

Why?
What's this about?

Nothing.

All right.

You all finished, Steve?

Ah, right.

So, would you please?

Oh, my God.
You are such a baby.
He's not even my dog.

Ugh. I'm gonna need
another bag.

You sure your dog did this
and not some hobo?

Yeah, a hobo's
would smell better.

Ugh! You're gonna pay for this.

I am not carrying it.

Whatever happened
to your dog?

I gave him away.

Why?

He got too big.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

So... my first byline.

I'm so proud. Where is it?

Now it's a short piece, so...

It's a start.

It's a great start.

Yes.

Yes.

-Yes!
-Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

You gotta read
the fine print first.

[soft music]

Here.

It fits.

You have a nice penis.

[John] Thank you.

And you're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

I feel like
I could tell you anything.

Me too.

When I was a boy,
and I first played with myself,

first time I came,
I thought I broke my bits.

How old were you?

I was 20.

[both laughing]

-Nine.
-Twenty-nine.

No! Nine!

Tell me a secret.

Tell me the weirdest thing
you've ever done.

Something that you
wouldn't tell anybody.

I don't like this game.

What?

Oh, come on, we're gonna
be getting married soon,

we shouldn't have any secrets.

You know what? Now this
is really gonna drive me nuts.

Amy, I love everything
that made you you.

You don't have to be ashamed.

Are you sure?

Yes.

OK.

Well...

one time...

when I was at college...

I...

You what?

Yeah?

I slept
with my girlfriend Linda.

"Slept" slept?

'Cause I slept with my brother,
Brad, till I was five.

No!

Sex.

Really?

And how did that happen?

Well...

we were out late
drinking one night...

and...

one thing led to another...

[Amy] I had never had sex
with Linda or any other woman.

The idea of sex
without a penis is like

a sandwich without the meat.

Felt a little bad
lying to him but...

on the upside, John liked it,

and I got fucked good
because of it.

Hey! How's the gorgeous dame
business been treating you?

Hm, not too bad.

Mind if I join you?

Have a seat.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, what do you
like most about teaching?

Hmm, I would have to say
the microwave food.

-Ah-hah.
-You?

I would have to say

pretending that you like
all the kids the same

when some of them
are real assholes.

And the microwave food.

Oh, yeah.
And the microwave food.

How's John?

Great.

-Good.
-Whoa, what's wrong?

What's wrong?
Is he cheating?

-No!
-No, 'cause if he was,

I'd have to give him
the, you know...

sleepin' pill.

How important do you think
it is to be totally honest
in a relationship?

If you want
the relationship to last,
nothing but the truth.

Even if it's gonna hurt
the other person?

I don't know, I think
honesty is overrated.

Look, I love Beth, OK?
But the first time
that we got together,

she wanted me
to suck her toes.

Now, I wasn't gonna do that,
so she got all hurt.

Why not? Men put their faces
in worse places.

Oh, but her feet
stink really bad.

I mean, she's super clean,

but her feet, they stink
way worse than any dude's.

I mean, the first time
she took off her shoes,
I almost passed out.

It smelled like she
had been making shit wine.

You didn't tell her that?

Oh, hell, yeah.

-How did she take it?
-Bad.

But, you know,
now she knows that the reason

I don't suck her toes
isn't because I don't love her,

it's because her feet
stink really bad.

Do you suck her toes now?

Uhh, no.

If you want
the relationship to last,

you gotta be brutally honest.

[school bell ringing]

-[Amy] Thank you so much.
-[Linda] Oh, you're welcome.

-I really appreciate it.
-Have a great time.

-I will.
-Call me when you get back?

-I will. Hey!
-Hey!

Linda's letting me
borrow her bag for our trip.

-Oh, cool. You leaving?
-Yeah.

-OK
-Bye.

OK.

-OK.
-Bye.

See ya. Say hi
to your mom for me.

[Amy] I will. Bye.

OK, let's hit the road.

Oh, Steve,
go away, you're gross.

-What's wrong?
-Do we have to take your dog?

Couldn't find anyone
to watch him.

Why? Is something bothering you?

No, nothing's bothering me.
Steve!

Calm down, Steve.
Find your own bitch.

I need to smoke.

So smoke.

I can't smoke. My parents
don't know I smoke.

I'm not driving
five hours with you in a car
without you smoking.

You blame me,
tell them I smoke.

They're not gonna be too
thrilled that you smoke either.

[soft music]

[John] Baby,
how can you not know

where your parents' house is?
I mean, come on.

I never spent much time
driving to it,
only away from it.

-Hey, you getting cold feet?
-No!

'Cause it feels like
you're mad at me.

No! I-- I love you.

Well, what's the problem then?

Nothing, I just...

I just get nervous
around my parents, you know?

My mom is really sweet,
my dad is really smart,
they just--

They think I'm perfect.

[John] I'm the one
that's supposed to be nervous.

You know before my dad
taught high school,

wanted to be a writer, too.

You told him I wrote?

I told him
you worked for a paper.

[scoffs] Honey,
I don't work for a paper,

I deliver a newspaper.

It's not even a newspaper,
it's a weekly.

-You're trying to write.
-A free weekly.

That's great.
He's gonna think I'm a bum.

No, they're gonna love you.
They have to love you.

They're my parents.

Besides, they reserve their
strongest criticisms for me.

[John] I'm so fucking nervous.

[Amy]
Oh, yeah, that's another thing.

My mom is really religious,

so we don't swear
in front of her.

By we, I mean you.

We don't swear or smoke,
are you sure
these are your parents?

Yes.

Shoulda hired a Sherpa.

[chuckles]

One second. All right.

You ready?

No.

Kiss me.

[doorbell rings]

Oh! Diamond girl!

-Hi, Mom!
-Oh!

Hi, Daddy.

You must be John.

Hello, sir.

I give hugs, John.

Oh!

[sniffs]

Oh, that's me, I smoke.

No. I smell feces.

Oh, fuck!

Sorry, I didn't mean to say it.
I'll get you a new pot.

The dog was in the car
way too long.

Let's go inside.

Yeah!

[Mom] We were about
to give up on you.

You get lost? I told you to get
the directions from the Web.

I thought I'd remember. Sorry.

That's our Dizzy.

Honey, don't bite your lip.

Who is this offending beast?

[Amy] Oh, John's dog.

We didn't want to leave him
at home. He's very sweet.

His name is Steve.

Steve. Hi, Steve.

Hey, where do you guys
keep your paper towels?

I'm gonna clean up
that mess outside.

Yeah, I'll give you a hand.

Oh, let me look at you.

Ooh. You look so pretty!
Are you eating?

Yes, Mom.

I'm really sorry about this.
You must think I'm an idiot.

Oh, I'm not upset about
the plant or the dog mess.

But, John,
while you're staying here,

I am gonna have to ask you
to watch the potty mouth.

I'm no shrinking violet,
I like to curse myself.

But at the stag night,
and the whatnot.

Not around Amy's mother,
swearing upsets her.

Of course. Sir.

Amy's mother
is very old-fashioned.

I'm the only man
that she's ever slept with.

I'm not naive, John, I know that

you and Amy
are probably having sex.

But I am gonna have to ask you
while you're a guest here...

to sleep in separate rooms.

Out of respect for her mother.

Yeah, of course, I-- I wouldn't
have it any other way, sir.

And thanks for having us.

Oh, not at all.
I'm glad to have you.

Oh, you missed some shit there.

[indistinct chatter over TV]

[Dad] Douglas,
say hello to your sister

and her boyfriend, John.

-[Amy] Hey, bro.
-Hi.

John.

How you doing?

Dougie has been living with us.

When was the last time
you were you here?

Christmas.

He's been here
for eight months.

He lost his job.

I didn't lose it,
the spicks and the niggers

with the government quotas
took it.

Dougie! Don't upset
your mother!

Come sit down. I made dinner.

He's not really a racist.
He just lost his girlfriend too.

Of course.

Diamond girl
tells us you're a writer.

Yeah, I work for a paper.

Which one?

It's The Free Press.

[Douglas] Is that one
of those liberal weeklies

that's full
of feminist propaganda,

that makes its revenue
with titty bar ads?

Yes.

Douglas, are you trying
to give your mother
a nervous breakdown?

Yes!

-[Amy] Oh!
-What?

John's a vegetarian.
He doesn't eat meat.

Oh.

Oh.

Do you want me
to make you some chicken?

He doesn't eat meat.

This looks great.
I'll have some of this.

So, uh, why do you
call her "diamond girl"?

'Cause she was
our flawless little girl.

Still is.

I think she's flawless too.

Let me show you
her scholastic ribbons.

She was spelling bee champ
three years in a row.

You never told me that.

And valedictorian
of her graduating class.

[John] Really?

Oh!

Don't forget to mention
all the cookies

she sold as a Girl Scout.

I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Good night, Doug.

Mother,
get down her soccer trophies

and the prom scene photos--

-No, Dad, don't.
-No, no.

This will be good,
I wanna see them.

Oh, my God,
look how big my hair is!
I look like Sheila E.

Oh, you were
the prettiest girl there.

I had no idea
you won so many awards.

Oh, that's just because
she's modest.

Well, this has been fun,

but maybe
we should all turn in.

-Yeah.
-That's a good idea.

-Thank you.
-Mom, I'll help you clear.

Oh, I won't say no
to an extra pair of hands.

Me neither.

Didn't you hear? We don't
have sex under this roof.

Mm-hmm. We can try.

Don't drop them, Dizzy.

I won't, Daddy.

-Good night.
-Good night.

-What are you wearing?
-I know, right?

I feel like
I should be wearing a nightcap

carrying a candle,
making this face.

I told you about all that stuff.
Why'd you pretend
like you didn't know any of it?

It was fun watching your parents
be so proud of you.

Sometimes it's embarrassing.

So where are you sleeping?

I'm in your brother's room.

Mm.

I have blue balls.

Is it my sexy nightgown?

Tents make me horny.

Nighty-night.

Nighty-night.

[firmly] Nighty-night.

-Nighty-night.
-Nighty-night.

[soft music]

[thuds]

Meth?

Do you want some?

I'm good.

You don't party?

Yeah, I party, just not meth.

Hm.

Don't say anything to my family.

OK?

[sighs]

You know, I was the perfect one
before she came around.

And then,

after that, I just
couldn't do anything right.

I'm sure your parents
love you both very much.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

Say something.

What?

Say something.

Something.

[recorded voice] Something.

Something.

Something.

Something.

Something.
Something. Something.

[faster]
Something. Something.
Something. Something.

Tump. Tump. Tump...

I got this thing
at a garage sale.

It's so sweet.

Five bucks. They didn't
even know what they had.

[distorted voice]
Something.

I just have to learn
how to use it.

And teach myself how to play.

And then, I was thinkin',

I could, like...
lay down some tracks and--

[distorted voice]
Something. Something.

You know, I could be
like a... like a...

um, recording star.

[distorted voice]
Something. Something.

[keyboard notes]

[mimics keyboard notes]
Hello, hello, hello, hello.

There is no limit
to what this does.

[discordant noises on keyboard]

[Douglas] Ow.

[recording] Ow.

-Ow.
-[recording] Ow.

-Ow.
-[recording] Ow.

[popping noise]

[popping]

[birds chirping]

[dog barking]

[music from screen]

Wake up.

Mom and I made breakfast.

Wake up, honey. Your sister
and I made breakfast.

Go away.

Cheese and crackers,
he's a grouch in the morning.

Well, don't take too long.

How'd you sleep?

Oh, just great.

Did you know your brother
smokes meth?

-Are you serious?
-Yes!

In this room.
He offered me some.

Right before he sang
into his piano all night.

What?

Don't ask.

He's got some chops, though.

That was delicious, ladies.

What's Daddy doing?

Oh, the neighbor's tree
fell into our yard.

Why don't you go talk to him?

Not now, he's got an ax.

I tell my neighbor he needs to
trim his trees, he ignores me.

That's all right. I got it.

Now, I'm gonna have to build
a whole new fence.

Well, I guess good fences
don't build good neighbors, huh?

Frost wasn't talking
about my douche-bag neighbor
when he wrote that.

He's going to ask Dad
if you can marry him.

How did you know?

He has the same fear in his eyes

your father had
when he asked Grandpa.

Actually,
I have a confession to make.

-Yeah?
-I'm not really a writer.

Oh?

I just deliver the Free Times.

I'm-- I'm trying to write.
I submit my stuff all the time.

The Chinese have a saying.

Find a job that you love,

and you'll never have to work
a day in your life.

You must love teaching.

I hate it.

I always have hated it.

Every second of it.

That's what I'm trying
to tell you.

You're young.

Don't give up on this writing.

You don't have
any responsibilities.

You'll have plenty of time
to settle down later.

I haven't been
honest with him.

About what?

I can't tell you.

Is it a sex thing?

Oh, honey,
that's not a big deal.

We all have
those kind of secrets.

Mother!

Well,

there were things I did
before I met your father

that he doesn't know about.

Jesus.

My son is on drugs.

Pardon me?

I'd kick him out if I could,
but his mother won't let me.

She sticks up for him.

I don't know
what happened to that kid.

I wish--

I wish he were more
like his sister.

She's never let me down.

Daddy always said
he was the first person
you ever slept with.

Technically,
I wasn't lying.

My daughter
is one of the few things

that brings me joy in my life.

I think the world of her.

I do, too, sir.

When I was a young girl,
living in Memphis,

one night, my girlfriends
and I were at an arcade
when it was closing,

and this man came up
to us and...

told us that...

Elvis would like us to stay.

You had sex with Elvis?

Are you going to let me
tell my story?

Yes.

That's why I want to marry her.

We were invited
back to Graceland,

and Elvis asked my friend and I

to... join him in the bedroom.

[whispering]
And you had sex with him?

Well, yes and no.

What about the writing?
Haven't you heard
anything I've said to you?

He just played with himself
and watched.

You wrestled another woman
in your underwear
while Elvis beat off?

And you didn't even get laid?

Look, if I was to die
and never be published,

I could live with that.

But I couldn't live
without marrying your daughter.

I had sex
with Roy Orbison, too.

Roy Orbison!

Oh, no!

He was cute when he was young.

Oh, no, Mom, Roy Orbison
was never cute.

You're right. He was never cute.

And you never told Daddy.

Mm-mm.

Sometimes I wish I had.

It bothers me a lot, but...

I was never able
to work up the courage.

You know, John,

there are some men,

crueler men, perhaps,

would just let you hang
in the wind for a while.

But I give you my blessing.

Thank you, sir.

What should I do?

Tell him.

Tell him whatever this thing is.

If he can't accept it,
he's the wrong guy.

And don't carry it around
half your life like I have.

I still feel dirty and...
and guilty.

Especially when
I hear "Pretty Woman."

Or when wrestling is on.

Look at them.

They have no idea, don't smile!

They have no idea
what we're talking about.

It's killing them, huh?

Yeah.

Just look sad.

Look sad.

They don't look happy.

Just smile. Just keep smiling.

OK.

I hope everybody's hungry.

I am.

[doorbell rings]

Folks. Sister.

Hey, Randy.

Guy.

Hello, Randy.

Hi.

[Mom] This is John.

See ya.

Why don't you boys
stay and eat?

It does look pretty tempting.

Yeah, sit down, join us.

[Mom] Dougie!

Eat.

So, what are you boys
up to tonight?

Uh, gotta see a guy...

about a... thing.

Job-- jobby-- thing.

What?

Yeah, this dude... It's gonna
be good. Right, buddy?

Oh, I see.

Let's eat.

[Randy] That was delicious.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, why don't you boys stay?

Yeah, stay. We could, uh...
we could do a puzzle.

A puzzle? That'd be great.

Uhh...

Are you against fun?

OK, I think
the first thing we need to do

is find all the edge pieces.

I wish these monkeys
weren't all the same color.

You know what monkeys hate?
Midgets.

-Really?
-Yeah, it's like--

They see them as a threat
and they'll try to kill them.

And midgets know it too,
and midgets are scared
to death of monkeys.

-Ha!
-A friend of mine was
working on a movie set

and they had a midget
and a monkey.

And the midget flipped out,
he was like, "Hell, no,

I'm not
working with that thing."

[Randy] The monkey went, like...
Not apeshit but--

-[Dad] Yeah.
-You know what I mean.

See you, man.

Thanks for coming over, Randy.

Where's my rock?

Dude, I was trying to tell you
before dinner. Nobody has any.

Sorry, man.

Hey, is your sister
serious about that dude?

Seemed kinda like a cock.

Just one man's opinion.

[spraying]

[sniffs]

[soft knocking]

-What took you so long?
-Where are we going?

Just come on.

[giggles]

Wow!

[Amy] This car's been
in here since I was a kid.

Get in.

In the back.

OK.

What did my dad say?

That he loves you.

Yeah.

And that he hates teaching.

And I forget what else he said.

Tell me another story.

What kind of story?

You know, like,
with you and your friend Linda.

Oh, that kind of story.

Yeah, that kind of story.

You tell me a story.

OK.

[chuckles] Here's something
I lived with over the years.

When I was at camp,

me and about....
five other guys...

we played "shoot the cookie."

What's that?

Shoot the cookie.

It's where we all
stand around and...

beat off on a cookie,
and the last one to finish
has to eat it.

Did you lose?

Oh, my God!

[John laughs]

Ugh! I can't believe
I told you that.

No, no, it's OK.

God, why did I tell you that

after you still even
haven't told me

your big dark secret?

OK.

[John] What? Come on,
it can't be that gross.

Well...

[John] What?

Well, a long time ago,
when I was at school,

and I was alone...

Yeah.

but I wasn't alone.

Who were you with?

Rufus.

Rufus?

Rufus, my dog.

And he was lying
on his back...

and I was staring
at his penis...

and...

I sucked him off! [laughs]

No.

You didn't just
tell me that. No.

[laughing nervously]
I was kidding,
it never happened.

I was trying to make you laugh!

Oh, my God, well, you didn't.

I don't know why I did it.
I never did it again.

I can't breathe.

I feel like
I'm going to throw up.

You won't even let me touch you?

-You fuck dogs?
-No!

No! It happened just once,
and I never did it again!

And I didn't fuck him,
I just sucked him off.
It was just a dumb thing.

Oh.

Hold me.

Please hold me.

You forced me to tell you,
and now you hate me.

No.

Hold me back, then.

Kiss me.

You can't even kiss me.

Yeah.

I wish I were dead.

[Douglas moans]

[spraying]

[spraying]

[inhales deeply]

[sobs]

Baby?

Baby, what's wrong?

John.

Did you have a fight?

Oh. Oh, there, there.

I'm sure it's not a big deal.

It is a big deal, Mom.

I told him, and now he hates me.

Oh, he doesn't hate you.

So you're not a virgin.

Big deal. I doubt he is either.

Do you want me
to go talk to him?

No! No, please, don't do that.
You'll just make it worse.

Well, it-- it might help.

No, really, please,
promise me you won't.

All right.

John?

May I speak with you
for a moment?

Privately.

I heard about your argument.

Are you high?

Upsetting my daughter like that?

I want you to say
you're sorry to her.

Do you know how hard it was
for her to tell you that?

Good morning, John.

Good morning.

Hi.

Hi.

[whistling]

Well, good morning.
You're up early.

Eggs?

Yeah, yeah, thanks, Mom.

Good morning.

That was fun last night,
wasn't it?

What?

The puzzle.

Oh, yeah.

Mom, I like them sunny-side up.

Just eat them.

That's not how I like 'em.

Why do you have
to be such a jerk?

Um, I know something about Amy.

Something dirty she did.

[Mom] Dougie, that's enough.

She's not the angel
you guys make her out to be.

Be quiet.

[clears throat]
Amy blew a dog.

What did you say?

That Amy sucked a dog's cock.

[screams]

[grunts]

[Dad]
You pathetic piece of shit!

[Douglas shouting]

It's your fault
for being soft on him.

No! No!

[Amy] Stop them!

[Dougie] You think I'm fucked
up? Amy's a fucked up whore.

Daddy, stop it, he's not lying!
It's true!

I did it. I...

I did what he said I did.

John and I are leaving.

I love you, Daddy.

Yeah.

This is the first time,

since the day you were born,

that I'm ashamed
to be your mother.

["When You're Smiling"
by Louis Prima playing]

-* When you're smiling
-* When you're smiling

-* When you're smiling
-* When you're smiling

* The whole world
smiles with you *

-* Smiles with you
-* And when you're laughing

-* When you're laughing
-* Oh, you're laughing

* Oh, you're laughing

* Mm, and the sun comes
shining through *

* Shining through

-* When you're crying
-* When you're crying

* You bring on the rain

-* Bring on the rain
-* Stop your sighing

* Stop your sighing

-* Won't you be happy again?
-* Happy again

-* When you're smiling
-* When you're smiling

-* Keep on smiling
-* Keep on smiling

* And the whole world
smiles with you *

I really wish
you hadn't told me.

A dog.

You ate a cookie
covered with sperm!

Yeah! Human sperm!

Mom!

Oh, what?
Now you care who knows?

You forced me to tell you!

Yeah, not about blowing a dog!
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Did you get high
with my brother?

No!

How dare you.

["When You're Smiling"
continues]

Hey, buddy, what's wrong?

You wanna talk?

OK, then I'll talk.

Do you know that I know

the ancient art of origami?

That was a student's test paper.

That's OK, I know this kid,
he wasn't gonna pass.

All right, now this is
the most important part.

Close your eyes.
Keep 'em closed.

Voilà.

A flower.

Or... or a duck.

Everyone I love hates me.

Nobody could hate you.

John and my family do.

They think I'm disgusting.

I did a terrible thing.

Well, this...
this terrible thing,

did you mean to hurt
anyone on purpose?

No.

Well, it sounds to me
like you just made a mistake.

This was pretty disgusting.

Look, you're being
too hard on yourself.

You're the sweetest
person I know,
even if you are just human.

In fact, that's the part
I like the best.

You're gross.
Yeah, I was fucking Steve.

I didn't say anything.

I can't do this anymore.

So you wanna break up?

No.

Do you?

No.

I just wish you never told me.

I wish I never told you too.

I wish it never happened!

It was just
some dumb, stupid thing

I did when I was 18, and now,
no one wants to be with me!

I'm sorry.

[sobbing]

Can I sleep
in the bed tonight?

Huh?

Sleep?

I missed us.

I missed us, too.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

You're not hard.

I will be.
Just shut up and kiss me.

Yeah, you can't get hard.

I will be. Just stop talking.

[chuckles]

[moaning]

-I'm gonna get some more.
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, no!

All right, hold that thought.
I'll be right back.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh .

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

I have a confession to make.

You're a dude?

No.

I don't like women.

Yeah, I agree, I think most
of them are pains in the asses.

No.

I don't... like women.

I think vaginas are disgusting.

My friend Linda?

Yeah?

No.

You lost me.

I never had sex with her.

Really?

Are you bummed?

No, I'm not bummed.

But why would you
tell me that you did?

I thought you wanted to hear it.

Are you mad at me?

No, no.

What can I do
to make it up to you?

Something dirty.

What?

I wanna see you do it.

You know, with Steve.

[scoffs] You're gross.

Why?

You're not kidding.

Baby, you did it before.
I'm not gonna tell anyone.

I fucking hate you.

What, now you have morals?

Now there's a line
that you can't cross?

I made a mistake once,
and you can't forgive me!

I just wanted
to see it for myself.

I made a mistake with you.

yeah, well, I made a mistake
with you, you dog blowin' cunt.

Sorry about
what I said last night.

Me too.

You didn't say anything wrong.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry
about what you said.

Actually, you know what?
I take that back.

I'm glad to know
what you think of me.

I just can't
get it out of my head, you know?

I can't live like this.

-I'm leaving.
-Amy, please--

Don't! Don't do that!

You know what?

Do whatever you want.
I can't take it anymore

[phone beeps]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hi, Daddy.

It's Amy. How are you?

Fine.

Who is it?

It's Amy.

How was your trip back home?

We made it back fine.

Listen, I'm really sorry
about how things--

Please, don't.

I don't really want
to talk about this.

I just wanted to say that I'm--

I don't want to discuss
what you're gonna say.

OK.

I'm sorry.

I won't bring it up again.

Can I talk to Mom?

She's not here right now.
She's out.

Out?

Oh...

Well...

give her my love.

I love you, Daddy.

Yeah, me too.

[phone beeps]

Fuck him.

You know, you can do so much
better than him. You know that.

That last time I saw him,
he got letchy

and weird
and, like, hugged me too long.

He did?

Yeah. I didn't wanna
say anything then but

he's disgusting,
you can't go back to him.

Men suck.

Yeah.

Hey, guys?

Hi.

We're not including you
as a man, baby.

Nice save.

Look, you can stay here
as long as you need to.

Thanks, you guys.

Do you need his ass kicked?

Because, um...
Linda's super strong.

I love you, faggot.

[man] I fuckin'
love you too, twat.

[moaning]

[Linda] Oh, yeah.

-Oh, God, oh, yeah.
-[man] OK.

Oh, yeah, it's in.

-[Linda] Oh, give it to me.
-[man] Oh, right there.

-[Linda] Oh, baby.
-[man] Keep moving like that.

Oh, my God.
Oh, squeeze my balls.

Oh, yeah. Slow down. Slow down.

Oh, my God.
You like it in that hole?

Yeah, that's a good hole.

Oh, my gosh.
Oh, I got a mommy now.

Oh, now I have a mommy.

"Mm, mm, mm."
And he's, like, "Uh, uh."

It's so weird, it's like
listening to ghosts fucking.

I'm sleeping
on an inflatable mattress,

it's like sleeping
on a life raft.

I've gotta get my own place.

Well, I'll help you look,
you know, let me go with you.

Beth wouldn't mind?

Well, she's been working late,
you know,

I haven't seen her in weeks.

You're a pal.

[man] Where are we?

That's it! Perfect.

[man] OK, I'll stop.

[Amy laughing] No!

[man] Are you sure
you don't want me to stop?

I mean, you know
you could live out your days
as a crack whore.

[chuckles] Yeah,
that'd be nice for me.

There you go,
there's a cute place.

I don't know, doesn't look
like it gets morning sun.

Morning sun? What is that?
Like your Indian name?

[laughter]

I like it.

No, really?

Yeah, really.

[phone dialing]

[phone rings]

Hello?

[Amy] Mom?

Hello.

What's wrong?

Your brother is in jail.

Oh, my God. Why?

Robbery. He didn't do it.

Someone else used his car.

We thought you were the lawyer.

I-- I have to get off the phone.

I understand.

[phone rings]

-Hello?
-[man] Hey, um...

It's me, Ed.
I'm sorry to be calling so late.

No, no problem. What's wrong?

I think Beth's having an affair.

Why do you think that?

Well, she's been working late,

and she works with
this guy Charlie and um...

So I thought I would
surprise her with dinner,

so I walked into her office

and she was on her desk
fucking Charlie.

That might be an affair.

Look, I-- I'm sorry.
Am I buggin' you with this?

No! No, no, no,
Why don't you come over?

I couldn't, I--

[Amy] Oh, please,
it's the least I could do.

Just come on over.
I'll see you in a little while.

All I've got is wine
and a loaf of bread.

Have you been
entertaining Christ?

That's it. I'm done with women.
They're evil.

I'd be gay
if it wasn't for the sex thing.

I don't get it,
why can't people be committed?

I mean, I've been attracted
to other women,
but I never acted on it.

Ed, commitment is a reaction,

not a decision.

Are you sure
you're only 26?

What's the youngest women
you've ever had sex with?

Oh...

Sixteen.

Wow.

Ah, it's not that impressive.
I was only 16 too.

I'm such a loser.

No, you're not.

I think you're great.

-Ed.
-Yeah, I'm too old for you.

-No, no.
-Too soon?

-You're on my hair!
-Oh!

-Ow! OK.
-Sorry.

Um...

um...

Um, don't.

Why not?

I'm fat.

Says who?

Beth.

Beth's a jerk.

I think you're hot.

School.

Oh, my God!

We cannot act
like weirdos at work.

No, no, we gotta be
totally cool about this.

[moaning]

Ow!

Door-- No, no. I got it.
Doorknob in my ass.

I'm really happy to see you.

Hey, John, it's me.

And I'm gonna
come by this weekend

and pick up my couch
and stuff, OK?

All right. Bye.

-Not there.
-Or not picking up.

So, uh, what was
that disgusting thing

that you told me that everyone
was so upset about?

All right, forget it.
I never brought it up, OK?

Wow.

Hey, thanks for coming with me
to pick up this stuff.

Of course.

It's not like you can carry
the couch on your own.

Is he gonna be there?

Yeah.

But don't worry.

He's a pussy.

Look, um...

I'm sorry about last night, OK?

Me too.

Hi.

Hi.

Come on in.

How's it going?

Good.

-[Amy] Ed.
-Sure!

-What's he doing here?
-He's just a friend.

What are you, fucking him
for his Medicaid?

Yeah, good one.

At least I'm fucking someone.

So, uh, this couch?

Take it.

Uh... little help?

-Right.
-Thanks, pal.

Ow, fuck.

Sorry.

OK.

Oh, my God.

OK. All right.

What do you think?
I think I liked it
better over there.

Dude, I think one of
my balls just rolled out
of my pant leg.

Look, it looks great here.

-Are you sure?
-I'm positive.

Let's see if it works.

-Ow!
-I'm OK!

-That's got to have hurt.
-I know. That's... Yeah.

Mm, mm, mm.

I gotta pee.
I gotta pee. Hold on.

Be right back.
I'll be right back.

[phone rings]

Hello, Dad?

Amy?

What's wrong?

Your mother...

she had an aneurysm.

Oh, my God. Is she OK?

No.

She's not.

Oh, my God!

OK... I will.

No, no, no!

[Ed] You OK in there?

[sobbing] Yes, I'm fine.

[Ed] Look, uh, let me drive you.

You don't understand,
my family is weird.

Whose isn't, huh?

Look, babe, you're
in no shape to drive.

Who's this?

This is my friend, Ed, Daddy.

Hi, Ed.

Sir.

What happened to John?

We broke up.

Oh, of course.

Well, come on in.

We had just started dinner
when it happened.

I can't put the food away.

You don't have to, Daddy.

Your brother still doesn't know.
I'm not speaking to him.

He really shouldn't hear it
from a stranger though.

I'll tell him.

Look, uh,

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get a hotel room.

You guys should really be alone.

Look, you tell your dad
I said goodbye.

All right, then you call me
if you need anything,
OK? Please?

I will. Thanks.

All right.

Hey! Hey, morning.

No, you are not coming with me
to prison to see my brother.

Oh, no, no, that is the last
place you should go alone.

Oh, God, you're borderline
stalking. This is my family.

Look, I don't think you know
how... nuts I am about you.

All right?
None of this bothers me.

My brother's crazy.

You should meet my family.

Nuts.

Who's this guy?

This is my friend, Ed.

Nice to meet you.

So, nice outfit, huh?
What do you think?

Dougie, I have
some terrible news.

What?

Mom died.

Um...

From what?

A brain aneurysm.

[clears throat]
What causes that?

Sometimes it just happens,
sometimes it just...

Sometimes what?

Stress.

[sobbing]
You and dad blame me, huh?

You do.

Mom died because she
couldn't handle hearing

that her perfect little daughter
was a fucked-up whore.

Don't start.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, what, uh,

haven't you told your boyfriend
about your big secret, huh?

-Fuck you!
-Yeah, fuck you too, OK?

At least I didn't kill Mom!

[barking]

Look, Amy,
you can tell me anything. OK?

Look, I-- I want to know
what happened.

I don't care what it was.

Just tell me, OK?
We need to be totally
honest with each other.

No, we don't!
I want you to go home, Ed!

You're not my boyfriend.

[engine starts]

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Randy.

Hey, Amy.

Sorry about your mom.

Thank you, Randy.

And, uh...

sorry about
that other thing too.

Yeah, I mean,
your brother told me. Yeah.

I guess he wasn't supposed to.

Or I wasn't supposed
to tell you that I knew, but...

Anyway, I know,
and sorry about both.

I mean, you know,
I'm sorry, but forget--

It's fine. Thanks.

I kissed a dead body once.

Oh.

Yeah, I never told anybody that.

Oh, hey, my mom made
this casserole

and wanted me
to bring it over to you.

Oh, tell her thank you.

Bounced around in my truck
a little but should be OK.

It smells like ass, but...

it probably
doesn't taste like it.

You know what?
You don't have to eat it
if you don't want to.

You look really pretty
when you're sad.

You too.

[indistinct chattering]

[indistinct praying]

I need you to love me, Daddy.

[Ed] Hi, this is Ed's cell,
please leave a message.

[no audible dialogue]

Ed?

Hey.

We need to talk. How come you
won't return my phone calls?

[sighs] I'm not an idiot.
I was leaving you alone.

Come here.

Listen, I'm really sorry
about how I acted the other day.

No. That's OK. Not like you were
under any pressure or anything.

Look, I'm sorry too. I...
I was moving way too fast.

How about dinner?

I'm sorry, I thought you heard.

Beth and I are together again.

Oh. [laughs]

-That's great.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you happy?

Yeah, yeah, we're in therapy.

It's working. You know, we're
getting a lot off our chests.

I'm really happy for you.

Thank you.

[Dad] Anybody home?

I know you smoke.

You've been smoking
since you were 13.

Why didn't you say something?

I didn't want you
to know I knew.

Oh.

You want anything?

Water.

You ever hear from that Ed?

No.

He seemed like a nice guy.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Have a seat.

Your mother wrote you a letter.

She wrote it before
your brother went to jail.

I never got around
to sending it.

[Mom] Dear Amy,

I can't begin to tell you
how sorry I am

for the way I have treated you.

I'm not going to say
I forgive you...

because you did nothing wrong.

We all do dumb things
in our youth.

As you know.
And I hope you can forgive me.

I have never stopped
being proud of you.

You will always be
my diamond girl.

I love you.

Mom.

I want you to have this.

Daddy, I can't.

You're my diamond girl too.

I know your mother had a secret.

Did your mother tell you
that she had sex
with someone else other than me?

-You're crazy, Dad.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mom was the original virgin.

I know, I know...
Sometimes my mind...

You're right, I... I am crazy.

Here.

[Amy] Oh...

[chuckling]

I don't know
why she kept all that.

I don't know
what that's doing there.

It's a ticket stub
from a Roy Orbison concert.

I don't know either.

God, I loved Roy Orbison.

Mom did too.

What are you doing here?

We need to talk.

I don't know
if that's such a good idea.

Please.

All right, just...

Hey, Beth, I'm taking
Cowboy for a walk.

Come on, Cowboy, come on.

All right. Come on.

So, what's the emergency?

Look, I know you're trying
to work things out with Beth,

and I want to be
respectful of that, but...

I love you, Ed.

Things aren't really
working out so well with Beth.

I want to be with you.

I'm afraid of you.

Why can't you just tell me
what happened?

I can't!

I better head back.

Look, if I tell you what I did,

you'll think I'm disgusting,
and you won't love me anymore.

-I'm disgusting.
-No, you're not. You're perfect.

I love porn, OK?
I-- I-- I've got tons of porn.

I-- I-- I beat off to it
for hours at a time.

It's much worse than that.

I know what happened.

You do?

You had an abortion.

Yes.

That's why you were gonna marry
John, because of the baby and...

things weren't working out,
so you had an abortion and

your parents found out,
and they got mad at you.

Do you still love me?

For being honest?

I love you even more.

Do you really watch
that much porn?

Why?

I think porn is kinda gross.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

No, I was just telling you that
to make you feel better.

["You Got It"
by Roy Orbison playing]

Oh.

* Every time I look
into your loving eyes *

[Amy] Ed and I are engaged now.

* I feel love that money

* Just can't buy

I felt bad
that he got so tore up
over my fictitious aborted baby.

And I felt bad
about lying to him.

But whenever I would feel
the need to tell him
the real truth...

I would think of the image
of my mother
wrestling another woman

in her bra and panties
for Elvis' sexual gratification.

Or her being banged
by Roy Orbison.

Think how disturbing
that was for me to picture.

And how much worse
it would be for my dad
to know the truth.

* Anything at all

* You got it, baby

It's important to lie.

It's trying to live up
to the lies that we tell
about ourselves

that makes us better people.

* You got it, baby

Did you ever have
a dog growin' up?

No, just cats.

-* Anything at all
-* You got it

* Baby

* You got it

["Boum" by
Charles Trenet playing]