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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,461 --> 00:00:07,181 It is our differences that make us special. 2 00:00:07,264 --> 00:00:13,284 So, to conclude, you are your greatest asset. 3 00:00:14,237 --> 00:00:16,657 You are you. 4 00:00:22,461 --> 00:00:26,471 That's the best speech by a returning alumni I've ever heard. 5 00:00:39,161 --> 00:00:40,161 Hey. 6 00:00:43,003 --> 00:00:46,183 That well-structured but emotionally resonant piece of oratory 7 00:00:46,259 --> 00:00:48,009 made me remember how sexy you are. 8 00:00:48,096 --> 00:00:50,806 Carrie! Carrie! 9 00:00:50,893 --> 00:00:55,493 Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! 10 00:00:55,570 --> 00:01:00,450 Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! 11 00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:04,588 - Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! - Carrie! 12 00:01:04,671 --> 00:01:05,921 Carrie? 13 00:01:06,007 --> 00:01:07,717 Carrie? 14 00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:10,102 I said, do you remember it being this small? 15 00:01:10,182 --> 00:01:12,062 I swear it was bigger when we were here. 16 00:01:12,144 --> 00:01:13,734 Maybe we've just grown up. 17 00:01:14,357 --> 00:01:15,357 Oh. 18 00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:16,652 - Crazy. - Crazy. 19 00:01:16,737 --> 00:01:17,777 Jinx! 20 00:01:17,864 --> 00:01:19,834 - Ow! - Dead arm! No taksies backsies! 21 00:01:19,910 --> 00:01:21,660 ♪ Don't fall in love with me yet ♪ 22 00:01:21,747 --> 00:01:23,497 ♪ We only recently met ♪ 23 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,004 ♪ True, I'm in love with you ♪ 24 00:01:25,087 --> 00:01:27,007 ♪ But you might decide I'm a nut ♪ 25 00:01:27,091 --> 00:01:28,341 ♪ Give me a week or two ♪ 26 00:01:28,426 --> 00:01:30,926 ♪ To go absolutely cuckoo ♪ 27 00:01:31,015 --> 00:01:32,805 ♪ Then when you see your error ♪ 28 00:01:32,894 --> 00:01:34,444 ♪ Then you can flee the cuckoo ♪ 29 00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,916 Attention, everybody. 30 00:01:47,757 --> 00:01:48,757 Thank you. 31 00:01:49,678 --> 00:01:54,478 Now, we will be kicking off at 7.45 with the head-girl speech. 32 00:01:54,563 --> 00:01:58,283 Then, subject awards, attendance awards, 33 00:01:58,361 --> 00:02:02,701 and finally, our closing keynote alumni. 34 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:08,045 Now, while I have you all here, may I remind all parents that... 35 00:02:08,131 --> 00:02:10,391 Michael! 36 00:02:11,179 --> 00:02:15,099 Powers are not permitted on school premises. 37 00:02:15,187 --> 00:02:17,527 Get down. 38 00:02:20,197 --> 00:02:21,987 - Wanker. - I heard... 39 00:02:24,748 --> 00:02:26,078 I heard that. 40 00:02:32,514 --> 00:02:35,694 So, I'm getting the outstanding achievement award, 41 00:02:35,770 --> 00:02:38,110 and Carrie's doing the alumni speech. 42 00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:39,441 What are you doing, Jen? 43 00:02:39,528 --> 00:02:40,528 I'm doing your dad. 44 00:02:40,613 --> 00:02:42,283 - Mary, I swear, I... - Ian, I know. 45 00:02:42,366 --> 00:02:46,326 Jen has the very important job this evening of supporting her family. 46 00:02:46,415 --> 00:02:48,815 - Do we trust Jen with important jobs? - Well, your dad does. 47 00:02:48,879 --> 00:02:50,734 Because I'm giving him blow jobs. I'm blowing him. 48 00:02:50,758 --> 00:02:52,218 - Mary, I didn't touch... - Shut up. 49 00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:54,562 Jesus, there's Susan. Shut up about blowing each other. 50 00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:56,621 - Who's Susan? - Mum's trying to get in Susan's clique. 51 00:02:56,645 --> 00:02:58,765 - I told her you can read minds. - What? 52 00:02:58,858 --> 00:03:00,778 I told her you can read minds. 53 00:03:00,862 --> 00:03:02,622 Susan, hello! 54 00:03:02,699 --> 00:03:04,909 How do you stay so young-looking? 55 00:03:04,995 --> 00:03:07,575 We'll be mistaking you for one of the students next. 56 00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:10,257 But you know, one of the sexy ones. 57 00:03:16,225 --> 00:03:20,065 Andy, congratulations again. Greenwich Conservatoire? 58 00:03:20,150 --> 00:03:21,780 - Incredible. - Yes. 59 00:03:21,862 --> 00:03:24,372 And this must be Jen. 60 00:03:32,675 --> 00:03:34,545 Oh. 61 00:03:35,890 --> 00:03:37,520 Yeah, good one. 62 00:03:37,602 --> 00:03:38,652 What do you mean? 63 00:03:39,229 --> 00:03:41,609 Good one. 64 00:03:41,693 --> 00:03:42,693 Yeah, very funny. 65 00:03:43,237 --> 00:03:44,947 You think it's funny that I was asking 66 00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:47,293 if you knew that Mrs Henderson had passed away? 67 00:03:52,882 --> 00:03:53,882 I… 68 00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:58,347 Oh, I can see Flo waving at me. I better… 69 00:03:59,269 --> 00:04:02,529 - Why did you tell her I could read minds? - I thought it sounded impressive. 70 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:05,490 It's better than explaining your whole situation. 71 00:04:05,574 --> 00:04:09,044 Jen, look. I know you're riddled with fear and anxiety. 72 00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:10,923 Feelings of shame around your changing body. 73 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,438 - That's not what I'm feeling. - Sorry. 74 00:04:12,462 --> 00:04:16,352 It's hard to differentiate in groups. Especially teenagers. 75 00:04:17,765 --> 00:04:19,555 No, no, no. That's not normal. 76 00:04:19,644 --> 00:04:23,284 Someone is bursting at the emotional seams in here. 77 00:04:23,986 --> 00:04:25,986 I'm trained in mental-health first aid. 78 00:04:27,618 --> 00:04:29,748 - I must find them. - What are you doing? 79 00:04:29,831 --> 00:04:34,471 If I lose one sense, the others get sharper. 80 00:04:34,549 --> 00:04:36,759 I feel you. 81 00:04:36,845 --> 00:04:39,555 ♪ It's new world now Don't discriminate ♪ 82 00:04:39,642 --> 00:04:42,732 ♪ Everyone is equally A master and a slave ♪ 83 00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:44,605 ♪ It's new world now Don't discriminate… ♪ 84 00:04:44,694 --> 00:04:49,164 "Every day, I get to meet people from all walks of life. From kids…" 85 00:04:50,330 --> 00:04:53,920 What would make this evening go from unbearable to just about bearable? 86 00:04:54,004 --> 00:04:56,804 Humility and the support of good friends. 87 00:04:56,885 --> 00:04:58,805 Close. Getting shit-faced. 88 00:04:59,891 --> 00:05:02,151 Where are you gonna find drinks in a school? 89 00:05:02,229 --> 00:05:03,939 Right where we left them. 90 00:05:05,026 --> 00:05:06,236 The stash. 91 00:05:07,949 --> 00:05:08,949 The stash. 92 00:05:11,122 --> 00:05:12,582 ♪ Do you want me to ♪ 93 00:05:13,627 --> 00:05:15,547 ♪ Do you need me to ♪ 94 00:05:16,465 --> 00:05:18,135 ♪ Do you choose me to ♪ 95 00:05:19,054 --> 00:05:20,604 ♪ Break the rules with you ♪ 96 00:05:21,518 --> 00:05:24,398 Really think no one's found it after all these years? 97 00:05:24,481 --> 00:05:28,321 Where do you put something you don't want disturbed in a Catholic school? 98 00:05:37,132 --> 00:05:38,642 Thank you, Jesus. 99 00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:51,293 Jesus. 100 00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:54,500 I don't know. I-I should stay sharp for my speech. 101 00:05:54,584 --> 00:05:55,844 And it's a weeknight. 102 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:56,920 Oh, come on. 103 00:05:57,005 --> 00:05:59,755 It's just sad if I make poor decisions by myself. 104 00:05:59,844 --> 00:06:01,184 For me? 105 00:06:03,977 --> 00:06:04,977 Ah, class. Fags. 106 00:06:06,524 --> 00:06:07,534 Hello? 107 00:06:08,654 --> 00:06:11,414 We're closing up this corridor. Is anyone there? 108 00:06:17,588 --> 00:06:19,968 - I think it's Rebecca Baxter. - Rebecca Baxter? 109 00:06:20,051 --> 00:06:23,271 Rebecca "personally gave half of our year eating disorders" Baxter? 110 00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:24,729 All the spit just left my mouth. 111 00:06:24,811 --> 00:06:26,456 I always thought when I'd run into an old bully, 112 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,490 I'd be able to rub something in their face, but I've got nothing. 113 00:06:29,570 --> 00:06:31,320 What if she makes me cry? 114 00:06:31,407 --> 00:06:34,577 Never let a predator smell your fear. Come on, quick. Make yourself big. 115 00:06:37,419 --> 00:06:40,259 Carrie Jackson? Jennifer Regan? 116 00:06:40,884 --> 00:06:42,144 Oh, my God. 117 00:06:44,474 --> 00:06:46,734 It has been so long. 118 00:06:46,813 --> 00:06:50,743 How have you guys been? You look so good. 119 00:06:50,821 --> 00:06:52,281 Why are you here? 120 00:06:52,365 --> 00:06:53,785 I work here. I'm a teacher. 121 00:06:53,869 --> 00:06:56,789 Why? Oh, do they let you hit the kids now? 122 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,585 You were always so funny, Jen. 123 00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:02,391 So, what have you guys been up to? 124 00:07:02,469 --> 00:07:04,349 Oh, God. Duh. What did you get? 125 00:07:04,431 --> 00:07:05,521 Conduit for the dead. 126 00:07:05,601 --> 00:07:08,821 Spooky. Kinda similar actually. I can revisit memories. 127 00:07:09,609 --> 00:07:11,989 What about you, Jen? I bet it's something really cool. 128 00:07:12,072 --> 00:07:14,372 What is your deal? Hmm? Why are you being so nice? 129 00:07:14,451 --> 00:07:16,461 Did you become some weird kind of Christian, 130 00:07:16,539 --> 00:07:18,079 or... or are you dying? What is it? 131 00:07:20,088 --> 00:07:25,848 Honestly, when I got my power, I would go back and watch myself, and… 132 00:07:27,561 --> 00:07:28,561 Oh, boy. Yeah. 133 00:07:28,647 --> 00:07:32,197 So, it turns out, being able to replay all the terrible things you've ever done 134 00:07:32,278 --> 00:07:34,278 makes you rethink some stuff. 135 00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:37,406 - So I'm nice now. - Prove it. 136 00:07:37,497 --> 00:07:40,167 Well, it's, like, more of a general state of being. 137 00:07:40,253 --> 00:07:42,843 - I don't know how to... - Money. You could give us money. 138 00:07:42,925 --> 00:07:44,675 Um, yeah, all right. 139 00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,977 - I've actually only got a 20. - Yeah. That'll do. Yeah. Yep. 140 00:07:50,064 --> 00:07:51,074 Thank you. 141 00:07:51,943 --> 00:07:54,703 Carrie, are you okay? You seem a bit tense. 142 00:07:54,782 --> 00:07:57,252 I-I've got some camomile tea in the staff room. 143 00:07:57,328 --> 00:07:59,668 - Let me make you a cup? - Okay. 144 00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:02,010 Great, great. It-It's just down the hall. 145 00:08:25,426 --> 00:08:27,006 You gonna be much longer? 146 00:08:27,556 --> 00:08:31,976 I don't know. How long does it take to wash off the stain of cowardice? 147 00:08:32,608 --> 00:08:34,238 Have you tried scrubbing it? 148 00:08:34,319 --> 00:08:35,319 Leave me alone. 149 00:08:35,404 --> 00:08:37,164 I'd quite like my bed back. 150 00:08:37,242 --> 00:08:38,702 I'll get out when I'm ready. 151 00:08:40,832 --> 00:08:42,092 When will that be? 152 00:08:42,168 --> 00:08:45,798 When I no longer feel the cruel sting of sadness. 153 00:08:47,930 --> 00:08:50,100 So, like, five minutes? 154 00:09:00,121 --> 00:09:02,791 ♪ Looking for my place On assembly lines… ♪ 155 00:09:05,841 --> 00:09:07,341 Jesus. 156 00:09:07,427 --> 00:09:09,807 ♪ Smoke rings blow From across the disco ♪ 157 00:09:10,474 --> 00:09:12,694 Why is your mum sending me outfit options 158 00:09:12,771 --> 00:09:14,401 for the family Christmas card? 159 00:09:14,482 --> 00:09:15,782 She still thinks we're together. 160 00:09:15,861 --> 00:09:18,425 I haven't even told her about not getting into the Conservatoire yet. 161 00:09:18,449 --> 00:09:20,579 I can't tell her that we've broken up as well. 162 00:09:20,662 --> 00:09:22,712 - Well, it's not my problem. - I know! 163 00:09:26,256 --> 00:09:28,256 Sort yourself out. 164 00:09:37,655 --> 00:09:38,655 Fuck! 165 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:46,802 - What are you doing in here? - I was having a really quiet pooh. 166 00:09:46,881 --> 00:09:49,070 - What did you hear? - You didn't get into the Conservatoire. 167 00:09:49,094 --> 00:09:51,684 - You've been lying to everyone. - I haven't. 168 00:09:51,766 --> 00:09:54,096 Oh! You bashed up your violin, didn't you? 169 00:09:54,187 --> 00:09:57,947 I knew this power would come back to bite you in your freakishly strong arse. 170 00:10:01,118 --> 00:10:02,448 Are you okay? 171 00:10:03,122 --> 00:10:04,332 "Are you okay?" 172 00:10:04,416 --> 00:10:06,036 Yeah, I'm okay. 173 00:10:06,128 --> 00:10:08,088 At least I have something in my life to ruin. 174 00:10:08,173 --> 00:10:09,773 What is the worst-case scenario for you? 175 00:10:09,802 --> 00:10:11,532 The funeral home stops selling your foundation? 176 00:10:11,556 --> 00:10:14,936 Why did your girlfriend dump you, anyway? Did you break her fanny? 177 00:10:17,108 --> 00:10:19,658 - Did you break her fanny? - It was a hairline pelvic fracture. 178 00:10:19,739 --> 00:10:22,449 Oh, my God! You finger-blasted your girlfriend into the hospital. 179 00:10:22,536 --> 00:10:25,456 - This is the best day of my life. - You are such a fucking child. 180 00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,922 - I'm gonna tell Mum. - Don't tell Mum. Please. 181 00:10:30,092 --> 00:10:31,682 I'll do whatever you want. 182 00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:35,480 - Whatever I want. - Well, not sex stuff. Ew. 183 00:10:35,562 --> 00:10:37,982 - Oh, my God. - I didn't say sex stuff. Gross. 184 00:10:38,066 --> 00:10:40,213 - It came out in a really nonce-y tone. - I'll tell you what. 185 00:10:40,237 --> 00:10:41,957 Never call me a nonce again. That's a start. 186 00:10:42,951 --> 00:10:44,251 Hello. 187 00:10:44,329 --> 00:10:46,369 - Me again. - Why didn't I lock the door? 188 00:10:47,628 --> 00:10:48,668 I'm gonna cheer you up. 189 00:10:49,297 --> 00:10:50,417 What are you hiding? 190 00:10:51,468 --> 00:10:52,548 The brush. 191 00:10:53,180 --> 00:10:54,640 Put it down. 192 00:10:54,725 --> 00:10:57,605 One of the few things I remember from the cat times: 193 00:10:57,689 --> 00:10:59,989 Getting the brush, pure bliss. 194 00:11:00,069 --> 00:11:01,989 - Don't brush me! - Relax. 195 00:11:02,073 --> 00:11:05,003 The brush is very powerful. 196 00:11:05,079 --> 00:11:06,919 No, I said don't... d-don't brush me! 197 00:11:12,009 --> 00:11:13,009 Oh. 198 00:11:14,472 --> 00:11:16,062 - It's actually quite nice. - Shh. 199 00:11:16,686 --> 00:11:19,776 No thoughts. Just brush. Who's a good boy? 200 00:11:21,696 --> 00:11:24,826 - Me. - And good boys get the brush. 201 00:11:26,956 --> 00:11:28,416 Mmm. 202 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:29,500 What the fuck! Stop. 203 00:11:29,587 --> 00:11:31,357 - You don't like the brush? - No, it's fucking weird. 204 00:11:31,381 --> 00:11:32,986 - Then what makes you happy? - I don't know! 205 00:11:33,010 --> 00:11:35,350 Everyone always yells at me for not knowing stuff, 206 00:11:35,431 --> 00:11:37,495 but how am I supposed to know if people won't tell me? 207 00:11:37,519 --> 00:11:38,609 Penguins. 208 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,784 I like videos of penguins falling over. 209 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,740 It's what makes me happy. 210 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,923 You will do anything I say, or I'm telling. 211 00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:57,936 Girls, Susan has this great story about Tesco. 212 00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,148 It's... It's mad. 213 00:12:00,649 --> 00:12:01,649 Go on. 214 00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:06,164 I thought something was full price, and when I got to the till it was reduced. 215 00:12:19,979 --> 00:12:21,479 Oh, Jesus! 216 00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,989 It's like Richard Pryor never died. 217 00:12:25,824 --> 00:12:29,044 - Where did you two go to? - Just doing some sisterly bonding. 218 00:12:29,122 --> 00:12:30,922 I'm so glad that you're here, Susan. 219 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,971 You know, Andy was just about to do the family dance. 220 00:12:34,048 --> 00:12:37,348 Oh, it's been years since you've done the family dance. 221 00:12:37,430 --> 00:12:40,036 - I'm not doing the family dance. - Oh, I wanna see the family dance. 222 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:41,060 What's the family dance? 223 00:12:41,146 --> 00:12:43,896 It's a dance that Andy made up 224 00:12:43,985 --> 00:12:46,985 when she was taking break-dancing lessons in primary. 225 00:12:47,074 --> 00:12:49,504 - You said you were too old for it. - I am. 226 00:12:53,588 --> 00:12:55,588 You're never too old for the magic of dance. 227 00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,425 Oh! 228 00:13:27,697 --> 00:13:30,787 Okay, that's... That's enough of that. Okay. 229 00:13:43,646 --> 00:13:45,146 Are you cold? 230 00:13:45,232 --> 00:13:46,232 No. 231 00:13:46,317 --> 00:13:48,357 Well, it's a bit chilly, but I'm fine. 232 00:13:48,446 --> 00:13:50,786 Oh, my God. Here. Just take... take my jumper. 233 00:13:50,869 --> 00:13:53,329 - No, no, no, no. - Take my jumper, you... 234 00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,835 I'm sorry. Please take my jumper. 235 00:13:56,755 --> 00:13:57,875 But then you'll be cold. 236 00:13:58,634 --> 00:13:59,634 Here, take my jumper. 237 00:13:59,678 --> 00:14:01,518 - Don't be silly. - No, I insist. 238 00:14:01,599 --> 00:14:03,139 Okay, that's fine. 239 00:14:04,061 --> 00:14:05,691 - Okay. Sorry. Thank you. - Thank you. 240 00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:11,282 Thank you. 241 00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:14,627 I was so excited when they said you'd be back for the alumni speech. 242 00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:17,464 I was a little surprised they asked me. 243 00:14:17,547 --> 00:14:21,007 Shut up. You're like a big, fancy lawyer. Why not you? 244 00:14:21,095 --> 00:14:24,935 Must be so weird to bump into Jen again. You guys were so close in school. 245 00:14:25,020 --> 00:14:27,020 Oh, we still are. We... We live together. 246 00:14:27,859 --> 00:14:28,689 Oh. 247 00:14:28,778 --> 00:14:31,198 You're surprised we're still friends? 248 00:14:31,282 --> 00:14:34,212 No. No, no, no. Not at all. No. 249 00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,881 - Well, no. No, no, no. - What is it? 250 00:14:37,963 --> 00:14:40,133 Do you not think that she was a bit of a drama queen 251 00:14:40,217 --> 00:14:42,137 and you had to live in her shadow a lot? 252 00:14:42,221 --> 00:14:44,231 I'm sorry, that's so mean. That's just... 253 00:14:46,437 --> 00:14:48,937 I do try, but sometimes, it just… 254 00:14:50,445 --> 00:14:51,735 That's not how I remember it. 255 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:54,374 She was always there when it really counted. 256 00:14:54,453 --> 00:14:56,373 Look, if my power has taught me anything, 257 00:14:56,457 --> 00:15:00,627 it's that what you think happened and what actually happened can be very different. 258 00:15:00,717 --> 00:15:02,467 I'm not remembering it wrong. 259 00:15:03,346 --> 00:15:04,976 I'll show you. 260 00:15:05,058 --> 00:15:06,308 You'll show me. 261 00:15:06,937 --> 00:15:09,437 Let's do it. Memory me. 262 00:15:10,570 --> 00:15:12,990 All right. I'm sure I'm wrong. 263 00:15:19,588 --> 00:15:20,968 When are we? 264 00:15:21,049 --> 00:15:24,559 Our own prize-giving. Sixth form. 265 00:15:24,639 --> 00:15:26,479 Don't know why we're in the bathroom though. 266 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,560 The ceremony should be in full swing. 267 00:15:28,647 --> 00:15:29,647 Oh. 268 00:15:29,733 --> 00:15:30,743 What does it say? 269 00:15:30,818 --> 00:15:33,818 I'm not sure. All the instructions are in Polish. 270 00:15:33,908 --> 00:15:36,288 Well, it's the only one I could find in the corner sklep. 271 00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:38,250 - Who's the dad? - I don't know. Michael Duncan. 272 00:15:38,291 --> 00:15:39,631 Daniel Kim. 273 00:15:39,711 --> 00:15:40,711 Tom Welleridge. 274 00:15:40,797 --> 00:15:43,427 Oh! We'll have to do the Mamma Mia! thing in 18 years. 275 00:15:43,511 --> 00:15:45,011 I can't sing for shit, Carrie. 276 00:15:45,097 --> 00:15:46,517 What am I gonna do? 277 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:47,770 I thought you were a virgin. 278 00:15:47,852 --> 00:15:50,482 I am. But we shared that bathroom on the coach trip to Bath, 279 00:15:50,566 --> 00:15:52,526 and I didn't wipe the seat before I sat down, 280 00:15:52,612 --> 00:15:55,242 and there was something wet, and I don't know if it was come. 281 00:15:55,325 --> 00:15:57,035 Jen, you're not pregnant. 282 00:15:57,121 --> 00:15:58,161 Oh, you can read Polish? 283 00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:01,588 I need to go and pick up my award. Best attendance is a big deal. 284 00:16:01,672 --> 00:16:04,682 No, no, no. Stay, please. No, I'm gonna do one more for luck, 285 00:16:04,761 --> 00:16:06,931 - and I need you to stay and watch me pee. - Why? 286 00:16:07,015 --> 00:16:09,055 'Cause I'm feeling very vulnerable now, Carrie. 287 00:16:09,145 --> 00:16:11,605 And I can't focus with that staring at me. 288 00:16:13,486 --> 00:16:15,866 So she stopped you from picking up your own award. 289 00:16:15,950 --> 00:16:19,540 Okay. That was bad. But one time doesn't make a pattern. 290 00:16:21,002 --> 00:16:22,212 There. 291 00:16:23,256 --> 00:16:25,966 Show me another one. I'm sure she'll redeem herself. 292 00:16:32,274 --> 00:16:33,574 Is this my graduation? 293 00:16:33,652 --> 00:16:36,452 I thought I'd pick a day that's all about you 294 00:16:36,533 --> 00:16:39,413 so that Jen can show how supportive she is. 295 00:16:39,496 --> 00:16:41,496 Uh, maybe we should try a different day. 296 00:16:43,296 --> 00:16:44,756 Carrie, I need your help. 297 00:16:44,841 --> 00:16:45,986 Mum doesn't know I dropped out. 298 00:16:46,010 --> 00:16:48,890 She thinks I'm graduating today and she's here. But obviously, I'm not. 299 00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:51,455 So I need to borrow your cap and stuff real quick. Is that okay? 300 00:16:51,479 --> 00:16:53,019 - What? - Just for the photo. 301 00:16:53,107 --> 00:16:55,237 - Smile. - I'm sorry. 302 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,990 I know I'm such a fuck-up. 303 00:16:57,074 --> 00:16:58,744 No. It's... It's fine. 304 00:17:00,831 --> 00:17:01,921 Smile. 305 00:17:05,048 --> 00:17:06,048 Ready? 306 00:17:06,551 --> 00:17:07,551 Smile. 307 00:17:08,388 --> 00:17:10,178 - Yoo-hoo! Jennifer. - Hi, Mum! 308 00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:12,437 - You ready? - Yeah. No, I'm coming. 309 00:17:12,522 --> 00:17:14,022 Two minutes. 310 00:17:14,693 --> 00:17:15,863 Next. 311 00:17:17,114 --> 00:17:18,874 That's it. Chin up a bit. 312 00:17:18,951 --> 00:17:20,871 Lovely. And smile. 313 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:27,304 Okay. Historically, maybe she could've been better. 314 00:17:27,969 --> 00:17:31,059 - But she... she's changed. - Mm-hmm. 315 00:17:31,142 --> 00:17:34,402 I mean, you changed. I better give her the benefit of the doubt. 316 00:17:34,481 --> 00:17:38,951 Or maybe you should sack up and stop being such a pushover. 317 00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,413 Don't get me wrong. Jen is a self-obsessed bitch. 318 00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:44,745 But you're just as bad, you simpering fucking jellyfish. 319 00:17:47,508 --> 00:17:50,508 I'm so sorry. You're just such an easy target. 320 00:17:50,598 --> 00:17:53,308 - I can't help myself. - It's okay. 321 00:17:53,394 --> 00:17:55,574 You're trying, and that's what counts. 322 00:17:56,985 --> 00:18:00,275 Stand up for yourself, you tepid slut. 323 00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:02,367 I need to remove myself from this situation. 324 00:18:02,454 --> 00:18:05,044 Carrie, good luck with the speech. It'll be great. 325 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,166 You have a weird forehead, 326 00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:09,133 and that's the ugliest fucking jumper I've ever seen in my life. Goodbye. 327 00:18:11,973 --> 00:18:13,143 It's your jumper. 328 00:18:18,319 --> 00:18:19,859 I've written you an acceptance speech. 329 00:18:19,948 --> 00:18:21,988 - I want you to read it. - No. 330 00:18:22,077 --> 00:18:23,997 - Mum… - Okay, fine. Give it. 331 00:18:27,505 --> 00:18:29,795 - I'm not reading this. - Mother! 332 00:18:29,884 --> 00:18:32,224 Okay, okay. I'll read it. 333 00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:35,064 Weirdo. 334 00:18:37,190 --> 00:18:38,190 Oh. 335 00:18:38,944 --> 00:18:40,494 Oh, you're back. 336 00:18:40,573 --> 00:18:43,663 - Are you and Saint Rebecca best buds now? - No, don't think so. 337 00:18:43,746 --> 00:18:46,126 Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. 338 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:49,378 Oh, I better go. I wanna get a good seat. I don't want to miss anything. 339 00:18:49,465 --> 00:18:50,885 - Really? - Oh, my God. 340 00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:52,823 I've never looked forward to a speech more in my life. 341 00:18:52,847 --> 00:18:54,017 Oh, thank you. 342 00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:56,099 Michael! Down! 343 00:18:56,730 --> 00:18:57,730 ♪ Uh-huh ♪ 344 00:18:59,151 --> 00:19:00,241 ♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪ 345 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:05,791 Stupid birds. 346 00:19:05,873 --> 00:19:07,133 You ready to get out now? 347 00:19:07,209 --> 00:19:08,209 I think I am. 348 00:19:09,296 --> 00:19:10,626 But maybe just one more video. 349 00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,643 Type in "funny fire-safety demonstration fails." 350 00:19:13,722 --> 00:19:15,982 There's a really good one with a guy with a moustache. 351 00:19:16,060 --> 00:19:19,900 I don't wanna spoil it, but don't get too attached to the moustache. 352 00:19:20,778 --> 00:19:23,578 That man looks a bit like you. 353 00:19:23,659 --> 00:19:24,579 What? 354 00:19:24,661 --> 00:19:27,251 You! You with them? 355 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,290 No, mate. Don't know 'em. 356 00:19:32,217 --> 00:19:34,887 Oh, God! Oh, God! 357 00:19:34,973 --> 00:19:35,983 Oh, God! 358 00:19:36,058 --> 00:19:40,438 It's got 400,000 views. 359 00:19:40,526 --> 00:19:41,946 Is that a lot? 360 00:19:42,028 --> 00:19:46,248 ♪ Let's sit around and drink some sake ♪ 361 00:19:47,665 --> 00:19:51,965 ♪ And we can argue about the same things ♪ 362 00:19:52,048 --> 00:19:53,378 I'll go sleep in the kitchen. 363 00:19:54,469 --> 00:19:56,679 ♪ Talk about neighbours On the front... ♪ 364 00:19:56,766 --> 00:20:00,316 And the physics prize goes to Maisie Costas. 365 00:20:00,398 --> 00:20:02,028 Big round of applause, please. 366 00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:04,990 No, no, no, no. 367 00:20:05,074 --> 00:20:06,494 Smaller round of applause, please. 368 00:20:11,838 --> 00:20:13,168 Take that thing off. 369 00:20:14,719 --> 00:20:16,309 I think I've nearly found them. 370 00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:19,267 Oh. 371 00:20:19,854 --> 00:20:22,784 I just want you to know, I'm here for you. 372 00:20:24,071 --> 00:20:27,751 And now, for the final award of the night. 373 00:20:27,828 --> 00:20:32,128 This goes to a gifted violinist who recently got into 374 00:20:32,212 --> 00:20:36,812 one of the most prestigious musical conservatoires in the country. 375 00:20:36,888 --> 00:20:40,018 The award for outstanding achievement goes to… 376 00:20:40,103 --> 00:20:41,403 Andy Douglas. 377 00:21:02,898 --> 00:21:06,608 Ladies, gentlemen, distinguished guests… 378 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,580 …Count Dracula. 379 00:21:10,664 --> 00:21:13,004 It's a pleasure to see you all here this evening. 380 00:21:13,085 --> 00:21:18,805 It might look like I, a humble lesbian, won this award all by myself, 381 00:21:18,889 --> 00:21:22,399 but my moderate success is all down to one person. 382 00:21:23,105 --> 00:21:25,185 My sister, Jennifer. 383 00:21:25,986 --> 00:21:27,316 Isn't that lovely? 384 00:21:28,992 --> 00:21:30,752 People say to me, 385 00:21:30,829 --> 00:21:37,089 "Andy, is it a living hell to have a sister who is a genius and also so hot?" 386 00:21:37,175 --> 00:21:42,435 And to those people, I say, yes. 387 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,730 But she's also done so much for me. 388 00:21:49,491 --> 00:21:52,411 When I had explosive diarrhoea at Disneyland Paris, 389 00:21:52,497 --> 00:21:55,547 who bartered with Goofy for his trousers to cover up my shame? 390 00:21:56,380 --> 00:22:01,600 When I was voted ugliest baby of 2004, who contested the judgement? 391 00:22:01,683 --> 00:22:04,443 When I demanded Nelson Mandela be put back in prison… 392 00:22:07,318 --> 00:22:08,568 Do you know what? 393 00:22:09,991 --> 00:22:11,741 I'd like to thank myself for this award. 394 00:22:13,038 --> 00:22:15,708 I've worked hard. I deserve it. 395 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,970 Although, I would like to dedicate this award 396 00:22:21,054 --> 00:22:24,484 to all the people who have never achieved anything. 397 00:22:25,229 --> 00:22:28,489 Never been the best at anything. 398 00:22:28,570 --> 00:22:30,620 They must feel really lame 399 00:22:30,699 --> 00:22:34,579 and... and lash out in pathetic ways because that's all they can do. 400 00:22:34,665 --> 00:22:39,795 So, yes, this is dedicated to my sister. 401 00:22:45,311 --> 00:22:48,441 - What are you doing? - Andy didn't get into the Conservatoire 402 00:22:48,526 --> 00:22:51,816 because she can't play the violin anymore because of her freakish strength. 403 00:22:51,908 --> 00:22:54,118 And she lied to all of you about it. 404 00:22:54,204 --> 00:22:56,214 And she broke her girlfriend's fanny. 405 00:23:03,430 --> 00:23:05,560 I think it might be Andy. 406 00:23:05,644 --> 00:23:08,904 Oh, here we go. No, we're not falling for it. 407 00:23:12,282 --> 00:23:14,542 Come on. We're not buying it. 408 00:23:14,620 --> 00:23:16,210 What have you done? 409 00:23:16,290 --> 00:23:17,380 ♪ I don't wanna be here ♪ 410 00:23:17,458 --> 00:23:19,088 ♪ I don't wanna be here ♪ 411 00:23:19,170 --> 00:23:20,760 ♪ I don't wanna be here ♪ 412 00:23:20,841 --> 00:23:22,851 ♪ You've been fucking with me, boy ♪ 413 00:23:22,928 --> 00:23:24,968 ♪ How did I wake up Surrounded by walls… ♪ 414 00:23:25,057 --> 00:23:25,927 No, hey. 415 00:23:26,018 --> 00:23:28,058 ♪ Keep banging the concrete To blow up these halls ♪ 416 00:23:28,105 --> 00:23:30,043 ♪ Keep screaming "Please mummy I'm covered in scars" ♪ 417 00:23:30,067 --> 00:23:32,027 Let's get back on track. 418 00:23:32,113 --> 00:23:36,203 Please welcome Carrie Jackson, class of 2015. 419 00:23:43,385 --> 00:23:46,425 - At the bathroom. - The bathroom? 420 00:23:47,143 --> 00:23:49,483 What does it mean to achieve? 421 00:23:49,565 --> 00:23:52,565 But you couldn't for one evening, you little gobshite! 422 00:23:52,654 --> 00:23:54,744 You are a cold and barren woman! 423 00:23:54,825 --> 00:23:57,285 Well, there have been many definitions over the centuries. 424 00:23:57,372 --> 00:23:59,132 I was absolutely mortified. Mortified! 425 00:23:59,209 --> 00:24:01,919 Oh, no. Now Susan's not going to fuck you. 426 00:24:02,006 --> 00:24:04,176 I don't want to fuck Susan! 427 00:24:04,260 --> 00:24:06,010 Maybe I'll fuck Susan. 428 00:24:06,098 --> 00:24:08,808 It's the closest I'm going to get to a loving mother. 429 00:24:08,895 --> 00:24:11,395 She's joking. She's joking. 430 00:24:11,483 --> 00:24:12,953 Um… 431 00:24:15,826 --> 00:24:19,786 Um, success in the modern world is… 432 00:24:22,171 --> 00:24:23,171 Sorry. 433 00:24:28,643 --> 00:24:30,353 What does it mean to achieve? 434 00:24:32,860 --> 00:24:34,990 Oh, there you are. Where have you been? 435 00:24:35,072 --> 00:24:36,992 I think I left our drinks in here. 436 00:24:37,076 --> 00:24:41,206 Also, I've alienated my entire family and humiliated myself in front of everyone. 437 00:24:41,293 --> 00:24:42,553 So… 438 00:24:48,850 --> 00:24:50,480 - Carrie? - What? 439 00:24:50,562 --> 00:24:52,522 I think I've really fucked it actually. 440 00:24:52,608 --> 00:24:55,068 Have you? Again? Shocker. 441 00:24:55,154 --> 00:24:57,124 Why you being weird? I'm having a crisis here. 442 00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,540 - Course you are. - Can you tell me why you're mad at me? 443 00:24:59,622 --> 00:25:01,882 I don't have the mental capacity for this right now. 444 00:25:06,802 --> 00:25:08,312 I was meant to speak. 445 00:25:08,932 --> 00:25:11,062 And now, because of your tantrum, I don't get to. 446 00:25:11,144 --> 00:25:12,694 Oh. 447 00:25:13,273 --> 00:25:16,033 - Why are you laughing? - I thought it was something serious. 448 00:25:16,112 --> 00:25:18,082 Ah, so it's only your problems that are important. 449 00:25:18,158 --> 00:25:20,798 I'm sure you have plenty of problems, with your long-term boyfriend 450 00:25:20,872 --> 00:25:22,712 and your promising career and your cool power. 451 00:25:22,793 --> 00:25:25,053 My power is not all it's cracked up to be. 452 00:25:25,130 --> 00:25:26,050 It got you a job. 453 00:25:26,132 --> 00:25:28,812 Do you know how many people wanna speak to me? 454 00:25:28,888 --> 00:25:30,678 Not someone famous. 455 00:25:30,767 --> 00:25:33,267 Not some pharaoh or president. Just me. 456 00:25:33,355 --> 00:25:34,185 No one. 457 00:25:34,274 --> 00:25:37,914 - I have to listen to you now, so… - No one ever cares what I have to say. 458 00:25:38,616 --> 00:25:41,326 Well, they did tonight. But of course, you couldn't let that happen. 459 00:25:41,413 --> 00:25:44,253 You couldn't bear an interruption of the Jen show. 460 00:25:44,335 --> 00:25:45,415 So I'm selfish? 461 00:25:45,505 --> 00:25:48,255 Yes. You always have been. 462 00:25:48,343 --> 00:25:49,513 It's always been about you. 463 00:25:49,597 --> 00:25:51,557 Oh, stop being so dramatic. 464 00:25:52,686 --> 00:25:54,266 Who did I lose my virginity to? 465 00:25:55,232 --> 00:25:57,492 Okay, what foods am I allergic to? 466 00:25:57,571 --> 00:25:58,781 When did my nan die? 467 00:25:58,865 --> 00:26:01,035 - Fifth year. - My nan's alive. 468 00:26:02,121 --> 00:26:04,001 But as if you know those things about me. 469 00:26:04,083 --> 00:26:07,473 Peter Hamzi, dairy but you refuse to acknowledge it, 2014. 470 00:26:12,141 --> 00:26:16,191 Look, uh, Carrie, you have no idea what it's like to be me. 471 00:26:17,234 --> 00:26:18,784 I've got nothing. 472 00:26:19,990 --> 00:26:22,500 I'm sorry if I'm not dealing with it with enough grace. 473 00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:27,093 Oh, boo-fucking-hoo! 474 00:26:28,006 --> 00:26:30,716 I don't think you ever wanna get a power. I think you like it. 475 00:26:30,804 --> 00:26:32,894 It gives you an excuse to be a shitty person 476 00:26:32,974 --> 00:26:34,484 because the world is mean to you. 477 00:26:34,561 --> 00:26:38,701 But has the smallest seed of thought ever passed through your brain 478 00:26:38,778 --> 00:26:41,948 that maybe you're not some troubled, tragic martyr? 479 00:26:42,034 --> 00:26:43,454 Maybe you're just a nob. 480 00:26:43,538 --> 00:26:44,618 Fuck off! 481 00:26:49,925 --> 00:26:50,925 Okay. 482 00:26:56,187 --> 00:26:58,737 ♪ Fall is here, hear the yell ♪ 483 00:26:58,818 --> 00:27:01,318 ♪ Back to school, ring the bell ♪ 484 00:27:01,406 --> 00:27:03,786 ♪ Brand new shoes, walking blues ♪ 485 00:27:03,870 --> 00:27:06,290 ♪ Climb the fence, books and pens ♪ 486 00:27:06,374 --> 00:27:10,304 ♪ I can tell that We are gonna be friends ♪ 487 00:27:11,301 --> 00:27:15,061 ♪ I can tell that We are gonna be friends ♪ 488 00:27:18,941 --> 00:27:21,361 ♪ Walk with me, Suzy Lee ♪ 489 00:27:21,446 --> 00:27:23,776 ♪ Through the park and by the tree ♪ 490 00:27:23,868 --> 00:27:26,748 ♪ We will rest upon the ground ♪ 491 00:27:26,832 --> 00:27:28,752 ♪ And look at all the bugs we found ♪ 492 00:27:30,590 --> 00:27:33,640 Kash! The girls are back and I'm scared your bubbles have, um… 493 00:27:33,721 --> 00:27:37,351 Okay. Here we go. Let's cover up the shame. 494 00:27:37,436 --> 00:27:39,896 Thank you. 495 00:27:39,983 --> 00:27:43,493 There we go. No more penis. 496 00:27:43,574 --> 00:27:44,584 Lovely. 497 00:27:45,662 --> 00:27:46,662 Shall I get the brush? 498 00:27:46,747 --> 00:27:49,377 ♪ 'Cause I love you ♪ 499 00:27:50,713 --> 00:27:52,633 ♪ Yes, I love you ♪ 500 00:27:53,553 --> 00:27:57,733 ♪ Oh, how I love you ♪ 501 00:27:58,729 --> 00:28:00,649 ♪ Oh ♪ 502 00:28:03,864 --> 00:28:07,544 ♪ 'Cause I love you ♪ 503 00:28:08,331 --> 00:28:10,801 ♪ Yes, I love you ♪ 504 00:28:11,547 --> 00:28:15,677 ♪ Oh, how I love you ♪ 505 00:28:17,934 --> 00:28:21,274 ♪ Oh, how I love you ♪ 506 00:28:22,276 --> 00:28:24,616 ♪ Oh ♪ 38811

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