All language subtitles for The.Beautiful.Blonde.From.Bashful.Bend.1949.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

That's right, Freddie! Never wait
too long between shots.

Or your finger might change its mind.

Shooting ain't got
nothing to do with the mind.

It's all a matter of instinct.

There you go,
pulled the trigger again,

and all you got to do is
close your hand gently.

Like you're squeezing a
sock full of dead mice.

That's better, baby.
Just like a bag of dead...

That's six. Can I go play
with my dolly, now, Grandpa?

You leave that dolly be and
learn your lessons, Winifred.

Load up that gun. 'Cause this
is a rough country, little lady.

And the words they savvy best is the words
you say with that there thing.

Being a good shot ain't
a-going to get you in trouble,

it'll keep you out of trouble.

You ain't got a Pappy or a Mammy
and I'm getting old.

And this is sudden country.
There's no telling where I'm going to be

when you start to blossom out into
the flower of young womanhood.

I'll probably be
up in the hills,

just a couple of coyotes
howling over my grave

to keep me company.

Then, that there
shooting iron has got to be

your Mammy and your Pappy
and your big brother.

So shoot, little lady.

Learn to shoot straight,
and quick.

There we are.

- Go on, now.
- Yes, sir.

That's Grandpa's good girl!
Now one for Pappy.

Now one for Mammy.

And one for big brother.

Fine! Now, one for the little boy
who lives down the lane.

Yes, sir! We got the little boy
just where it done him the most good.

Yes, sir. All you need now
is lots of practice.

And you'll be able to hold your own
in this wicked, old world.

Can I go play with
my dolly now, Grandpa?

Yes, you can play
with the dolly now.

Poor motherless, little Freddie.

And what a shot!

♪ Rock-a-bye, baby,
in the tree top. ♪

♪ When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock. ♪

♪ Oh, that beautiful blonde
from Bashful Bend, ♪

♪ never did learn to keep a friend. ♪

♪ She'd give them a start,
then shoot them in the end, ♪

♪ the beautiful blonde
from Bashful Bend. ♪

♪ Yo-de-lay, yo-de-lay hee-hoo ♪

♪ She's hardly the type
to cuddle near. ♪

♪ She'd rather go out
and rope a steer. ♪

♪ They never did build a school
that she'd attend, ♪

♪ the beautiful blonde
from Bashful Bend. ♪

♪ Yo-de-lay, yo-de-lay hee-hoo ♪

What are you talking about?
This is a law-abiding town.

It ain't the Wild West.

People don't do things like this
without some reason behind it.

For heaven's sakes, Freddie.
You ought to have some kind of an idea.

How do I know? Those
things just happen.

It can happen to
anybody, that's all.

Well, it ain't so bad.

They say the first ten years is
kind of irritating,

but after that you get used it.
They say, anyway.

What?

But why did you shoot him, Freddie?

I said "shoot."

If you wanted to get rid of him,

couldn't you have
pushed him out a window,

or down a well,
or under a horse?

Or shove him down
a swamp bank at midnight.

But- but why did you have to
shoot the poor guy in the first place?

I was jealous, I guess.

You know how girls are.

Do I?

I was sitting at one table,
with a couple of suckers from the East.

Blackie was at the next table,
giving me the fish eye,

because we had a kind of a blow-up
over this new gizzy that blew in.

Roulette, she calls herself, yet.

Nothing serious, but if you can see me
getting sore about a number like that one.

I wouldn't give her
the satisfaction, that twilly.

Just minding my own business.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Maybe you do us a big "flavor," Freddie,
and singing us a song.

That's what I get paid for,
so it can't be that big a "flavor."

Will you excuse her,
gentlemen?

Deal me out, boys,
but don't forget me.

No, impossible.

Hurry back.

See you later.

"Every Time I Meet You."

Sure.

♪ Every time I meet you, ♪

♪ I meet you for the first time ♪

♪ just as though
we never had met before. ♪

♪ Every time I kiss you, ♪

♪ I kiss you for the first time ♪

♪ and my happy heart
keeps begging you ♪

♪ for more. ♪

Oh, why, Stan, my stocking.
Surely, you escort me to my room, no?

I'm afraid for all these men.

Well, I suppose so.

♪ The moment is grand ♪

♪ and the feeling is so brand new. ♪

♪ Every time you leave me, ♪

♪ won't you take this heart ♪

♪ along with you? ♪

♪ I've fallen in love,
for the first ♪

♪ and the last time, too. ♪

♪ Every time I meet you ♪

♪ I fall in love
all over again. ♪

♪ 'Cause every time I meet you ♪

♪ I meet you for the first time, ♪

♪ just as though,
we never had met before. ♪

♪ ...though we never had met before. ♪

♪ Every time I kiss you, ♪

♪ I kiss you for the first time, ♪

♪ and my happy heart
keeps begging you ♪

♪ for more. ♪

♪ ...for more and more,
I'm begging you. ♪

♪ Every time you thrill me, ♪

♪ you thrill me for the first time. ♪

♪ The moment is grand,
the feeling is so brand new. ♪

♪ ...the feeling is new. ♪

♪ Every time you leave me, ♪

♪ won't you take this heart ♪

♪ along with you? ♪

♪ I've fallen in love,
for the first ♪

♪ and the last time too. ♪

♪ ...and the last time too. ♪

There you are!

I see.

Then you didn't actually mean
to shoot the honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole?

The honorable
Alfalfa J. O'Toole?

Judge of the United
States Circuit Court,

and shoot him good,
what I mean.

Is that who yelled?

Do you blame him?

Then where was Blackie,
and that tomato?

Maybe under the bed.
How do I know?

The party we're interested in
is the one that was on top of the bed.

The honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole.

I suppose he's awfully irritated.

If he's alive, he is.

And irritated doesn't
begin to describe it.

Maybe he doesn't remember
my name, Ambrose.

Maybe he forgot it
in the excitement.

Remember your name.

In letters of fire,
he remembers your name.

In letters of fire nine feet high.

When I catch that Blackie.

Look, Freddie, a man's a man.

And when something new comes
along, an opportunity presents itself...

- What's new about a twist?
- ...his thoughts just naturally turn to...

You take, like, me, Freddie.

Sitting right here in
this dungeon beside you.

Even I who sit
here, Freddie...

Even you who sit
there, Freddie, what?

Well, I got a
right to sit, ain't I?

Well, just keep on sitting.

Pronto! Open the door.

Look what you done...

Put this bed over that way.
Be careful, go!

Put the florals over that way, too.

That's over there, with the...

What's going on here?

Is the judge still sore, Joe?

Is he sore?

You mean, is he sore?
He ain't sore, he's boiling.

He ain't boiling, he's exploding.

He's setting fire to the curtains.
I brought you something to eat.

Thanks, Joe, and for the bed.

And the bath- don't
mention it, honey.

Maybe I'd better apologize to him.
I guess I'd better apologize to him.

Oh, sure, and take him some fudge.

You just take me over there,
and when I tell him how sorry I am...

I can't do it, Freddie.
Not without bail.

I got the right, Ambrose.
I got the legal right.

You got what legal right?

You got a legal right
if you got a court order.

And you know who the only person
is who can sign that court order?

I can guess, I guess.

That's right. The honorable
Alfalfa J. O'Toole, in person.

It isn't as if I was asking
for anything really, Ambrose.

You know I wouldn't get you
in trouble for the world, Ambrose.

I wouldn't even consider it, Freddie,
less'n I was absolutely sure

you'd left your gun here, you wasn't
out of my sight for even half a second,

and I was right with you
all the time.

Well, who else would I want to be
right with all the time, Ambrose?

Steady now, steady, now.

If you just wouldn't wiggle around so much,
I'd have it out in an instant.

There we are. Now I've got it.

Elusive little devil, isn't it?

I thought sure it was
there. It got away again.

Well, let's have
another whack at it.

If you'd just be a little less
cheerful about it, you old windbag.

Of all the butchers I've...

Oh, will I get even
with you for this.

There, there. I've got it.

Or have I?
Is that a button off your trousers?

No, it can't be a button off
the trousers. Different shape.

It can't be a button off the
trousers because it'd have a thread in it.

This has no thread in it.
Oh, it's a safe bet that that's it.

There, there. Don't
excite yourself.

What's a little difference
between friends?

Between friends?
I never even saw her.

I haven't seen her yet.
She works strictly from the back.

I'll give her so much solitary confinement,
she'll be talking to herself!

And if that crook of a sheriff allows
her so much as one visitor, I'll...

Get out and stay out!

Yes, don't come in here.

Oh-ho.

Oh, hello, my love.

What is this I hear about your being
shot in a young woman's bedroom

by her irate enamoratus, you old...

There's no such word
as enamoratus, madam.

Who is this old tramp?

Madam, I happen
to be the doctor.

You were right the first time.

Now, if you'll just go home and wait
patiently, I'll explain the whole thing.

- What were you doing in her bedroom?
- Whose bedroom?

Oh, is this a bedroom?
How was I to know it was a bedroom?

That isn't a hot stove you're sitting on.

You can put two
and two together.

Will you keep your
beard out of my soup?

Naturally, the doctor put
me on a bed.

- You were shot on a bed.
- How do you know?

- The whole town knows!
- What?

It makes a very dainty
piece of conversation.

An old walrus like you, honey-phobing
around with this little blonde

when in comes your enamoratus
and lets you have it.

Right in the caboose!

Now, listen carefully, Elvira.

I was feeling a little dizzy.

You know how
bilious I've been

since your sister went East and
you started doing the cooking?

So Joe the proprietor
brought me up here to

lie down on that
couch for a little while

because it wouldn't disturb anybody.

Why didn't you lie
down downstairs?

What on, the Faro table?

I'd look great with the customers
betting both ends against my middle.

So you were entirely alone?

I was completely alone.

And the next thing
that happened...

Your enamoratus came
in and let you have it.

Whose enamoratus?

Oh, if I lived through that...
Look,

will you believe me if I get
the thug she was shooting at up here

and have him tell you himself it was him
and not me she was trying to plug?

I will not, but I would certainly admire
seeing you trying to get him to say it.

Go get him, doctor,
and bring him up here.

- And if you need a paper I'll sign it.
- Certainly!

Be sure you tell him what
to say before you bring him in.

You may depend upon it, madam.

Now, whose room did you
say this was?

I didn't say anything about it.

I suppose it belongs to the hotel.
It looks like a hotel room.

It wouldn't be a lady's room,
by any chance, would it?

I don't know.
I've never been in a lady's room.

I suppose this belongs to
one of the bartenders.

Oh, it may for
all I know. I never...

Or these?

I don't know.
I don't know anything about it.

I don't even know what they are.
I hope.

Whoever you are, stay out!

Hello.

How you feel now, sweetie?
Your little tutu still on fire?

I seen you half shot lots of times.
This is sure the first time I seen you...

And what are you doing in this room?

What am I doing?

Well, what shouldn't I
be doing in this room?

What are you doing
in my trousers?

Your trousers?
That's all I wanted to know, Alfalfa.

Well, now that you think you know it,
why don't you go home?

Why is your mother upset?

Your mother!

Oh, no please!

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello, yourself.

Now get out of here.
What do you think this is, a barbecue?

Hello.

I just happened
to think, Your Honor...

Well, cut it out. Now go away.

If you want to see me,
you can come to court.

The next time I sit...

Why did I have to think of that?

She just sorry she shoot you.
That's all, she want to tell you.

What? Just a moment, you.
When I get through with you...

Now, don't excite yourself into a
condition, angel face.

Now, bring that she-rattlesnake in here.

When I get through with you,
young woman...

What do you mean, setting this female
at liberty, you crook?

Why, she ain't at liberty, Your Honor.

It's just that she felt
so bad on your account.

She would have broke
your heart, Your Honor.

Oh, to know that you're alive,
Your Honor,

instead of rotting away
in some lonely grave.

You don't rot quite that soon.

Well, why should he rot in
a lonely grave from a little...

You're taking this too lightly, Conchita.
Isn't she, Your Honor?

Oh, it's nothing.
Turn over, honeybunch.

Stop calling
my husband "honeybunch."

I'm terribly, terribly sorry,
Your Honor.

If there's any man in the world
I wouldn't have wanted to...

You stay away from my husband.

Why don't you go home?

I'm not thinking of him
as your husband, ma'am.

You don't have to worry.

I'm not thinking
of him as a man at all.

I'm thinking of him as a father.

A forgiving father,
to put his arms around me and...

Ay, papi.

If you could only find it
in your heart to forgive me.

To pretend this
never happened.

With my bucket full of lead.

I didn't mean it for you, Your Honor.
I didn't mean it for anybody.

I don't hardly know one end
of a gun from another.

I don't hardly know
how it got in my hand.

All of a sudden, I see this big rook
that I slaved for,

that I bought neckties for,
that I hocked my jewelry for,

that I sewed buttons on for,
playing puss in the corner with his beezle.

What was I supposed to do?

Well, you wasn't supposed to plug me.
That's a cinch.

Look in my eyes, Your Honor.

Don't you do it, Alfalfa.

Don't listen to her, Judge.
She's a little bit upset tonight.

Think how they'll talk about you
when you let me go.

They'll say, "There's a man with a heart
as big as a bow fiddle."

Even though
he did get shot up a little.

A little? You should feel...

It would have made some men as mad
as a bear with a sore paw.

It ain't my paw that's sore, honey.

"The honorable Alfalfa set her free."

"He forgive her.
He patted her on her little"

"head, and said, 'I forgive you, honey.'"

Paints a very pretty picture.

You know it's what you want
to do, Your Honor.

Tell the Sheriff.
Tell him to set me free.

Don't hold the words in.

And then as soon as you're
on your feet again, come up and...

Don't you do it, Alfalfa.

Come up and point out
the evil of my ways.

I need your help.
I need your guidance.

I need a papa.

Oh, papa.

Well, I don't suppose you was really
aiming at me, at that.

Of course I wasn't, Your Honor.
You know that.

I couldn't anymore aim at a
human being, than I could...

I'm the gentle type, Your Honor.

I'm the home type.
You can see that.

Look into my eyes again,
look deep.

I got him, I got him.
Here he is, here he is.

You wanted to see me, Judge?

I understand there's
been some little mis-

understanding that I had no
connection with, you understand.

But, if I can be of any assistance,

Oh, so you had no connection
with all this in any way, huh?

And I suppose you had no connection
with that little French omelette either?

Just as you didn't have with every
other new twilly that's blown in here.

Cut it out, honey. Cut it out.
He ain't worth it.

- Why, you triple-timing, two-faced...
- Now, now, wait a minute.

So you think you're going to
horse around with me, do you?

Why, I don't even know
what you're talking about, honey.

You must have been looking
at a couple of other people.

Do tell.

Oh, there you are,
pretty puss.

I hope I don't make you
much trouble. I've been...

Not as much as I'm going to make
for you, you overdressed little...

Now, now, Freddie.

Let go of me!

What you need is some advice,
and some guidance.

- What I need is a gun.
- Save me!

Give me that! Give me that!

Look out, now. Remember, you don't know
one end of the gun from the other.

Remember, you don't...

Remember, you don't know
one end of the gun from the other.

Let go of it!

No.

Yes.

- Will you...
- Are you all right, Alfalfa? Oh, dear.

- Will you...
- It could happen to anybody.

Not twice in the same place, it couldn't.
That's very unusual.

I'm so sorry.

Go away!

Never a dull
moment, I always say.

Shut up!

Will you get out of here?

You stupid asses hadn't catch those
murderesses before they get to Alaska.

What?

Yes, sir, Your Honor.
Get out of the way.

Well, how about it, Doctor?

There, there, Alfalfa.

There, there. Now, now, now.
Have we lost our sense of humor?

I should think it'd
be a privilege to be

shot at by a beautiful
young thing like that.

I remember one time in Yuma, Arizona...

Will you stop talking?

Shove a pillow down your tonsils
and start digging, you old windbag.

Now, let's see, where is it?
Now, let's see.

Oh, is that you,
or the arm of the chair?

All aboard!

Hurry up, Conchita!
We'll miss it.

What are you doing?

Where'd you get these things?

Never mind.
I'll explain later.

Well, I'm kind of crowded for space.
You say you got tickets?

Certainly we got tickets.

What do you think we are,
a couple of flooby-joobies?

Could I see these here now tickets?

- We lost them
- In the satchel.

How's that again?

We lose the keys. They're in the satchel,
but we lose the keys.

That's right.

Yoo-hoo!

Shut up before you happen
to an accident. And you too!

Now, where do we lay down?

Any little old place will do.

I'd just like to see
them tickets first because...

We told you
we lost the keys.

- Don't you take our word?
- I see.

Well, maybe I can
help out along that line.

Here.

What service!

I think this one will
just about do it.

There we are.

And here are the tickets.

No.

Yes.

Well, jump my claim.

If it isn't little
Ms. Hilda Swandumper.

- Naturally.
- Oh, sure.

Your brother Hingleman is
terribly worried about you.

- Brother who?
- Brother Hingleman.

Wondering where you was.
Told me to be on the lookout for you.

Well, it certainly is nice
to meet up with you.

But he sure didn't tell me
what a looker you was.

Really? Of course,
he's an awful flatterer.

Always kidding.

I'll telegraph him
you're on board.

Yoo-hoo!

Shut up!

Just come with me.
Porter, bring the bags.

You're sure going to like it
in Snake City, I hope.

You must be that little Injun girl
she was bringing with her.

You leave mama and papa
back home in teepee?

How would you like to go with me and see
white man's choo-choo, puff-puff engine?

How would you like
to go suck an egg?

Oh, she's learned
a little English.

A little too much,
if you ask me.

Well, if you need anything
during the night,

just try pulling
the bell handle.

If anybody answers it,
tell them what you want.

Good night.

Good night.

- In here.
- Yes, ma'am.

Hope y'all be
nice and comfortable.

Well, we won't get lost,
that's a cinch.

Yes, ma'am.

- Now, where did you get it?
- Get what?

This Swandumper stuff,
or whatever she calls herself.

We're traveling, ain't we?
We got to have traveling bags, ain't we?

- Where did you get them?
- Oh, we'll send them back later.

- You stole them.
- How you talk.

- You did so.
- I did not.

I heard that women yelling,
when the train was pulling out.

Conchita.

Some women are always yelling.
Never satisfied.

- You locked her in some place.
- I did not.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
doing that to another girl.

I mean, I don't care what you do
to a man, but to another girl.

I tell you I didn't.

You know how long you can get for
something like that? I mean "we" can get.

You know how long you can get for
plugging a judge in both ends?

I mean "we" also.

I'd almost forgotten
about that part.

Look, we need valises,
we got valises.

We needed overcoats,
we got overcoats.

We needed reservations, we got them.
We'll send them back later.

Sure, and we'll probably spend
the rest of our natural lives...

Say, what do you know?
We're school teachers.

How much is one times one?

Who's school teachers?

We are. We are Hilda Swandumper.

And we got a license.
Ain't that lovely?

Just dandy.

Oh, nice clean work.
No drunks to roll.

No salesmen to listen
to their silly jokes.

No getting soused
if you don't feel like it.

Who's going to teach what, you?

You, I guess.
I'm just Flatfeet, the Indian girl.

While you teach,
I weave baskets.

In a pig's pants
I'll be the teacher.

And just as it fits a solution?

In the first place, I don't know
anything. In the second place...

What do you have to
know to teach a lot of

little mugheads who
don't know nothing neither?

What am I going to teach them?
How to play Stud?

Well, you could start them off
on playing Draw, couldn't you?

Very funny. In the second place,
I probably don't look anymore

like Hilda Swandumper
than I look like Swan the Hill Dumper.

All Swedes look alike.

And in the third place,

if there's one place I don't
want to be in the first place

is when Ms. Swandumper
shows up without her tickets,

without her satchels,
without her overcoats,

not to mention her hat.

She ain't never
going to show up.

How do you know?

Because I borrowed
this stuff from a big black box.

She must have
croaked on the way out.

Then who was that doing
the yelling when we pulled out?

Blackfeet, the Indian girl.

I guess.
It couldn't have been the other.

Oh, poor kid.

Don't do that.

What's the matter?

It's bad luck to put
a hat on the bed.

♪ Welcome, Hilda,
to Snake City ♪

I was really beginning
to give up on this one.

She must have come
by way of Alaska.

No, no, no!

If she hears you sing like that,
she won't even get off the train.

With more enthusiasm.

Now, once more.

Welcome, Hilda Swandumper.
You look so exactly like your name.

Quiet, please.

I would know you in a million.
I am Dr. Smidlap.

As leading music teacher and
undertaker of Snake City,

it is my present duty to
welcome you into our peaceful flock.

Will you shut up?

And introduce the next
speaker, Mr. Hingleman.

Chairman of the School Board
and local blacksmith.

Friends, young ladies,
fellow voters of Snake City,

as Chairman of our School Board,

It is my warm duty to
welcome you as our new teacher.

And say, in conclusion,

may Bashful Bend's gain
be Snake City's loss.

Thank you very much for
both of us, me and my friend.

I mean my little Indian maid.

- Quiet.
- Shut up!

I brought my little
friend along because

you naturally don't
want to live alone.

I mean, you know how it is
for a strange girl in a strange town.

You won't have a thing
to worry about, Hilda.

I'm Mrs. Hingleman. Julius and I want
you to stay with us up to our house.

- Don't we, Pa?
- We sure do, Ma.

And that goes for
little Fire Water here, too.

How you leaving papa and mama, huh?
Everything heap good back in wigwam?

- How would you like to go...
- Everything was wonderful.

Fine, fine. Now, I want
you to shake hands

with Dr. Schultz,
in case you get sick.

- The pleasure is mine.
- How do you do?

And Mr. Sweetser, our Sheriff,
in case you shoot somebody.

My pleasure.

Which ain't very
apt to happen, huh?

Can you imagine?

And then we have Mr. Jorgensen,
the United States Marshal,

in case you done that shooting
on government property.

I am Swede also, Hilda.

- No fooling?
- Yeah, sure.

Bet you we shall have many jolly
good times together, by jingle.

Four will get you six.

And last, but not least,
my son Charlie,

who's been teaching this
school against your arrival.

How do you do, Ms. Swandumper?
Welcome to Snake City.

Oh, so you were the
teacher ahead of me.

I'm actually a mining
engineer by trade.

And owns a little mine of his own.

Quite a small one,
I assure you.

- Silver?
- Oh, no. Gold.

Oh I see...

May you call me Hilda.
Why the very, the very, the very idea.

We but ain't hardly-
ain't hardly ever seen you before.

Quiet the interruptions.

If I can be of any assistance whatsoever
in acquainting you with our town,

its people or its schoolhouse,
or any other little thing,

I am yours to command.

Stand back, varmint.

I'm about to take Ms. Hilda through
our fair city and buy her a little drink.

Oh, you big wicked man.
How dare you talk that way?

And it ain't going to be you,
Razorback.

It's going to be the real Hilda.

How about it, cutie?

How about what? And what do you mean
by calling this young lady "cutie"?

- Take it easy, son.
- How dare you, sir?

Well, dog my cats, if it ain't
Jo Jo the dogfaced boy.

How's everything down at
the kennel, Jo Jo?

I should think you'd be ashamed
of yourself, Gus Basserman.

Everybody's always trying
to put me in the wrong.

- All I said was...
- Now, boys, why don't you move on?

...if it ain't Jo Jo the dogfaced boy.

Oh, you missed me.

Get over there, son.

But I won't miss you, Gus.

Is your father all right?

Shut up, boys.
Cut it out, gentlemen.

Stop it!

Now don't let's carry
this no further, Gus,

because I don't want to
have to hurt you, really.

You don't, huh?

I'll show you how much
you're going to hurt me.

Now, boys.
Let's talk this thing over.

You ain't going
to hurt me.

You ain't never going
to hurt nobody, no more.

Get me?

I ain't armed, Gus.

Take a good look, Julius.

Because it's the last thing
you're ever going to...

- Who fired that shot?
- Who done that?

What shot?

Dog my cats
if I didn't do it unconscious.

One hundred percent unconscious.

You got a wonderful
feeling of security.

With a Sheriff who
can shoot like that...

Especially when he's
a hundred percent unconscious.

Of course, this is just
my sewing room,

but I think you'll be as snug in here
as two pins in a pin cushion.

Now, here's the machine if you want
your little maid to run anything up.

I suppose you sew.

It has the foot pedal. So much more
convenient than the hand crank.

At least I think.

Well, now dear, you'll sleep there
and your girl can...

- What is your name again, dear?
- Pocahontas.

Her name is really Consuelo.

She's only half Indian.

I ain't pure.

She certainly doesn't look it.
Only half, I mean.

Well, dear. Now you can
sleep here on the trundle.

See how comfortable it is?

And be sure you push it back
during the daytime.

After I get off it.

Naturally.

She's quite bright
for an Indian, isn't she?

Well, now you'll be wanting
to go down to the school.

Charlie is waiting to take you.

In the meanwhile, "Concarna"
can make up the room.

And I think she'd better hang
all your things out on the line.

Or maybe she'd better give them
all a light washing and ironing.

I always say, there's nothing like
hard work, soap and water, don't you?

I'll go down and put on a tub full.

We should have stood in jail.

The trouble hasn't even started yet.
Wait 'til I start teaching school.

Wait 'til I start ironing.

Of course, we
could have walked it.

But you wanted to
show me your buggy.

I guess maybe I did.

It's only natural.

Did you have it sent
out from the East?

Oh, yes. From Omaha.

Do tell.

You must show me
your gold mine too some day.

If you don't mind
going down in a bucket.

How is that again?

Well, you see, a gold mine,
having no stairs,

you'd have to be lowered
in a bucket.

Like the girl from Nantucket.
Oh, excuse me.

How was that?

Oh, just a poem.

Is there a lot of gold in your mine?

There might be,
and then again...

Oh, sure.

At the moment we're only
taking out 40 ounces.

That's about $800 worth.

- A year?
- Oh, no. A week.

- A week?
- Oh, yes.

Well, what do you know?

Oh, here's our little church.

Would you like to see it?

I'd love to see it.

And I'd love
to show it to you.

Oh, isn't this pretty?

Do you come here on Sundays?

As a matter of fact, I play
the organ in it on Sundays.

No fooling?

Now, wherever did they get an organ?
I mean, way out here.

As a matter of fact, I gave it
to them out of the gold mine.

Now, ain't- isn't that something?

Not really.
Only $65, plus freight.

Would you like to hear it?

Oh, sure.

It looks at least
like a $100 one.

Thank you. That's what
it said in the prospectus.

♪ In the gloaming, ♪

♪ oh, my darling, ♪

♪ when the lights ♪

♪ are dim and low. ♪

But you sing.

Oh, I do quite a lot of things
besides school teach.

Shall we try it again?
And you take the lead this time.

I'll try to remember it.

Is this key all right?

Oh, I wouldn't know
one key from another.

Splendid.

♪ In the gloaming, ♪

♪ oh, my darling, ♪

♪ when the lights ♪

♪ are dim and low. ♪

♪ And the quiet ♪

♪ shadows falling ♪

♪ softly come ♪

♪ and softly go. ♪

♪ When the winds are ♪

♪ sobbing faintly ♪

♪ with a gentle ♪

♪ unknown woe. ♪

♪ Will you think of me ♪

♪ and love me ♪

♪ as you did ♪

♪ once long ago? ♪

♪ Will you think of me and ♪

♪ love me ♪

♪ as you did ♪

♪ once long ago? ♪

That was wonderful.

The way you sang, combined
with the way you look,

combined with that perfume.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I don't know what made me do that.

Please don't cry.

Two- two Indians.

What?

Oh, the Basserman brothers.

Somebody gave them
those feathers for Christmas.

I forgot to mention,
they're also "eavesdrippers".

Oh, I'm glad you warned me.

Did you think it was because you
kissed me I got so frightened?

Oh, I wouldn't be
frightened of you, Charlie.

Thank you.
Thank you, Hilda.

I wouldn't be
frightened of you either.

Thank you.

Pass these down the line
for me, will you Orville?

Sure, Wilbur.

5'2", blonde, very pretty,
nice shape.

That's a nice size too.
I sure hate them big fat ones.

Now, why does that ring
some kind of bell in me?

They sure ring my bell, them
little juicy ones. I remember one time...

And had a Mexican
girl with her.

If them folks from Snake City
hadn't all had known her so good

and where she come from and all,

I'd have swore it was that one I
carried Saturday night

with that fresh little Injun gal.

She was, huh?

Told me to go suck an egg.

No fooling?
I bet you told her something.

And you'll collect.

Shouldn't allow them to ride
on trains at all, the way I look at it.

But then, I ain't
running the government.

I'll take these down the line
for you, Wilbur.

Thanks, Orville.

No trouble at all, Wilbur.

All aboard!

Yes, sir?

Snake City, please. One way.

You done perfect.
Goodbye and good luck.

Thank you.

As if you'd been
ringing it for years, dear.

Well, you know,
practice makes perfect.

We feel the children
are in good hands.

- Thank you.
- The best.

Goodbye and good luck!
Not that you need it.

Are you coming to school, Conchi?

I got to do a washing.
Some fun, huh?

I'll drive you home.

Hilda Swandumper...

Me too.

- Thank you.
- Goodbye.

Are you sure that you don't want
me to stay, just for the first morning?

Well, if I'm going to
handle them at all

I might as well dive right in
and get it over with.

Are you sure you don't want
me to stay within screaming distance?

Why should they scream?
I'm not going to hurt them.

That isn't exactly what I had
in mind. However,

in any case, will you take this to the
desk, please, with all my good wishes?

Oh, it's beautiful.

And so sweet and
thoughtful of you.

I suppose you know which end
you point at your objective?

Oh, yes.

And which end you hold
in your little hand?

Yes, indeed.

And how to load and unload it?

Quite.

I hope there's no danger
of your hurting yourself.

Oh, I don't think so.

Somebody might get
hurt, but it won't be me.

Thank you very much.
And I'll see you later, Charlie.

I've tried four times now,

and I'm beginning to be
just a little tired of it.

You little kids are all right.
Later.

But there must be some
foreigners in this room

because some of you big ones don't
seem to know what I'm talking about.

Now, I don't like geology
any better than you do.

But you'll learn it if it croaks you.

Also, you're going to quit talking
in class, you're going to listen.

Phooey.
And those of you that have-

And those of you that have
been drinking and smoking

are going to be very much surprised
in a very short while.

Now maybe some of you think
I'm kind of little and small,

but where I come from, the bunny
rabbits have teeth that long.

And howl like timberwolves!

And even the dwarves are over 6'6".

That's right, boys.
Get rid of some big ones,

because they're going to be your last ones.

Now I'm going to give you all a
10 minute recess to go out and play

Only stay away from the building.
I've heard enough of you.

Now beat it!

All except you two.

Wouldn't you rather stay here
and play with me?

That's fine.
Just go back to your desks.

And we'll have lots of fun.

Oh, goody.

Just us three.

Like yesterday, in the window.

You like to drink in class, huh?

What's- what's the difference?

Suppose I told you
I didn't like it.

Other teachers told us they didn't-
they didn't- they didn't like it too.

But you didn't care what the
other teachers said?

That's right.

You're going to care
what this teacher says.

Is that- is that so?

Or this little teacher is going to
blow your little head off.

How is that?

Why don't you take another
little drink?

I'll bet it would
taste awful good.

- You care to join us, ma'am?
- With pleasure.

Stick that cigarette in your mouth,
ugly mug. You, the other one.

Now just a- just a minute.

You ain't got no- no- no right.

Stick that cigarette in your mouth.
before I ram it down your throat.

Now turn and look at your
brother and keep praying.

Shut up and put that
ink bottle on your head.

The ink bottle?

- Go on, now.
- No, no.

I'm going to tell my Daddy.

Just for that, you get the same,
you rat.

Put that ink bottle on your head
before I shoot your ears off.

Steady.

Now, you want me to show
you like this to the other kids?

Or do you want make
a little deal with me

and wash your faces and
behave yourselves from now on.

And help me keep order
with the other bad ones.

Because I'm about as much scared
of you as I am of a pair of mosquitos.

And I've got two shots
left in this thing.

Only the next time I'm not going
to be so careful, you get me?

Quiet!

And now we're going
to start our little lesson.

The earth is divided
into three kingdoms.

The Animal, the Vegetable
and the...

- The...
- The Mineral!

And the Mineral,
of course.

I knew you boys would
work out sooner or later.

And the Mineral
is called... Geology!

Now, ain't that something?

Howdy.

Oh, howdy, stranger.

Something I can do for you?

I'm looking for a young woman
called Freddie Jones.

Winifred Jones.

Heard she might have dropped
off in your fair city.

Last seen traveling with a little
Mexican girl called Conchita.

- I'm wondering if, by any chance...
- Oh, I used to know a fellow by the name of...

Freddie Jones, only we
just called him plain Fred.

- No, you see this Freddie...
- He died about 20 years ago.

- Well, that wouldn't have been...
- Then there was Charlie Jones,

Son of Rufus B.
and his wife Mary.

- Now, you see this Freddie...
- Mamie, they used to call her.

Or was it Lucy?

- Well, it really doesn't matter.
- I might as well get it straight.

Then of course there was
Clifford Jones, now he was a...

No, no. If you had ever seen Freddie,
you would never mistake her for Clifford.

That's right, you said
a pretty girl.

And what a girl.

- Nice shape to her?
- Fantastic.

Well, too bad I ain't seen her.

I sure enjoy a nice
shape to a woman.

Well, who doesn't?

Some fun, eh?

Buenos días, señorita.

[ speaking Spanish ]

[ speaking Spanish ]

[ speaking Spanish ]

Am I sure?

But you didn't tell
him I was here.

I could have stayed on
the train after you got off.

I didn't tell him nothing.

I tell him I never
seen him before.

I tell him to go fry himself
an enchilada.

I tell him I am fresh in this
country from Guatemala

and that if he think I look like
anybody he know, I'm crazy.

All in Spanish, you understand.

I tell him you got off the
train two stations behind

and that you have no connection
with the new school teacher

who's an old bag, about 60.

What did he say?

He said he'll meet you at the
school house at 8 o'clock.

I see, all in Spanish.

In perfect Spanish.

You must have fooled him completely.

- I'm not certain.
- What could he want?

Look in the mirror.

Applesauce. A guy like that
would never take a train for...

Wait a minute, there
might be a reward.

A reward? For what?

For me, dead or alive.

Who would want you dead?

That's it, the snake.

He gets hunk with me for
back there and some dough besides.

The cheap so-and-so.

Where's my gun?

Oh now, listen, please.

It's down at the
school house.

You tell Charlie I went ahead.
He's giving me a lesson tonight.

And have him meet me
there about a quarter after.

That will give me time
to take care of Mr. Blackie.

Haven't you had enough trouble?

Not with him I haven't.

Anybody here?

All right, all right.

All right.

Come in, you rat.

Good evening, Hilda Swandumper.

Why, Mr. Jorgensen.

I hope I don't interrupting.

You're certainly the last person
I expected to see here tonight.

I hope you been feel good.

I've been pretty good.
How have you been?

I been fine, thank you.

I hope those two jackals
don't give you

too much trouble
for your first day.

Those two what?

The Bassermans,
them two scarecrows.

Oh no, not a bit.
They were even very nice.

You must have very good
influence, then,

because they are really
a pair of jackals.

Jumpin' jackals.

- No, no, no.
- Oh, yes they are.

You better come away from the
window, you might catch cold.

Well, now, that's very sweet
of you, Hilda Swandumper.

Now I'll tell you
why I come to see you.

I got a letter from
U.S. Marshal in Rimpau City.

In letter is reward notice.

Some young girl called Jones.

Freddie Jones.
She shooted Federal Judge.

My gracious.
Where'd you say she shot him?

In Rimpau City,
on both sides.

Why, I never heard
of such a thing.

I would like to see the
way you hold a gun.

A gun?

Well, I wouldn't know any
more about...

Ms. Jones supposed to be
wonderful revolver shooter.

Twice, from long distance, she shoot
the judge in the same shooting place.

I wouldn't know anymore
about holding a gun than...

- Oh, you have nothing to be afraid of.
- I don't even know which end of the trigger you...

Just let me see you hold it.

Well, all right, but if-
if anything happens.

No, no, no. Not that way.

- This way.
- Oh.

Is this where
you put your finger?

Yeah, yeah.
That is correct.

No, no, don't ever...

I'm terribly sorry,
I told you not to.

I have now done my duty.

I been satisfied.
And thank.

Thank you, too.

Thank you, Hilda Swandumper.

Good night.

What's all the excitement?
A little pop gun bother you?

Not in the slightest.

But that wasn't a very nice
thing to do to that comic.

You nearly scared him
out of his accent.

How long have you been here?

I'm always early for
appointments.

I've found it
a very healthy habit.

- You think so.
- I know so.

Good to see you, baby.
And take that lip rouge.

I sure missed you.

- I didn't miss you.
- Oh, yes you did.

What I can't figure
is how you're getting by as Ms.

Ms. Garboswamp, or the
mighty schoolmarm,

or whatever that
awful name is.

You can't spell "cat."

I can spell "louse."

Very funny.

And I might know a couple of
other things you don't know about.

You might, but you don't.

I know each and every one
of your talents

and I cherish each and
every one of them.

I see.

Have you got any other bright last
remarks before I let you have it.

Before you let me have what? Oh.

You going into
your act again?

Haven't you missed me
enough times for one week?

I said have you got any other
last remarks, you rat.

Only that I love you.

That I've always loved you.
And I always will love you.

And that you look even
lovelier here in the candlelight

than I remembered
your looking.

Oh, shut up.

And it's pretty hard
for anyone, even you,

to look better than
the picture of you

I carry in my heart.

With a reward sign
under it

that I don't suppose you'd
happen to know anything about.

I know all about it.
That's why I'm here.

- I see.
- I came to warn you.

Very thoughtful of you.

I suppose that thousand dollars
didn't mean anything to you at all.

Nothing at all.

You'd sell your grandmother for $40.

Well, that's an
entirely different matter.

She is very old and
she's not at all well preserved.

But as you,
on the other hand

are the roundest,
the daintiest,

the most fragrant and the most
irresistible little witch

that ever flew
out of a cave.

Do tell.

Even though you have
the mind of a child of three

and the disposition
of a tarantula.

Listen, you snake, you might
as well save that applesauce

because I haven't any more
feeling for you than I have for the

cheapest, the slimiest, the
lowest down or the meanest

- Skunk.
- Skunk.

You've already said rat, snake and louse.

Now, come on. Let's get out
of here before it's too late.

This town isn't any good
for us anyway.

What we need is
a nice little town

with a nice
little sporting element

where they enjoy a song,
where they like to play a little cards.

After what you pull, I'd like to
know how it's any of your business

where I stay
or what I do or...

Because I make it
my business, baby.

You've been all my business

ever since the first time
I got a gander at you.

And until something happens
to me or to you,

or to both of us, you're going
to keep right on being my business.

You come any nearer and you're
going to be out of business right now.

Oh, put that thing away and
stop being ridiculous.

You know you're fooling
with sudden death, don't you?

As a sudden death artist,
you make me snicker.

You don't think I'd be
parading around like this

if there was any ammunition
in that cannon, do you?

You think I'm fresh off a farm?

What? You liar.

Well, pull the trigger
and find out.

Now you see why it's good
to be early for appointments.

They're the two live ones
you had left.

You must have been missing
some of your other friends.

I'd like to hit you
with a nice flat rock.

Would you like me to
go out and get you one?

That won't be
necessary, thank you.

Why don't you stop talking like a
little fathead and get ready to come along.

You know you want to.

Besides, you haven't any
choice in the matter, honey.

- Haven't I?
- Of course not.

I don't want to sound
commercial, but

if you force me to let
them know where you were...

And collect the thousand.

That would be small consolation
for losing you, baby.

But it would be something.

Half a loaf is
better than nothing.

Yes, sir.
A big flat rock.

Not a little jagged one,
that would mess up the place.

Don't be gruesome.

Or a round, lumpy one that
would dent your skull in.

How you talk.

But a nice, big,
smooth, flat rock.

About like this?

That's just about right.

You may fire
when ready, Gridley.

You are the funniest little...

Well, he's still alive,
anyway.

Yeah. What do you want
us to do with him now?

Throw him in
the swamp, or...

Let's just get rid of him before
Charlie Hingleman gets here and...

We can throw him in
old man Hingleman's forge.

And oompa, oompa,
oompa, the bellows!

He'd come out like
a piece of toast.

We don't need anything
that fancy.

There's someone coming.
I can hear footsteps.

Come on, help me put him
in the closet. Hurry up.

Yes, ma'am.

Hurry up.

Come on, lift him up.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

It's locked.
Do you have a key?

No.

Then we better
take him with us.

No, no, no.
Put him under the desk.

One, two, three!

You didn't have to break
every bone in his body.

Now get out of here.

- We'll be watching outside.
- For the next one.

Beat it!

Come in, Charlie.

All ready for our little
arithmetic lesson, I hope?

- I hope I'm not late, because...
- Anything but.

If you'd been one
minute sooner

you would have been a couple
of minutes too soon.

I'm sorry I had to
come on ahead.

I hope you weren't afraid, I mean
being way out here alone for so long.

You're never really alone,
you know, with the owl, the bat,

The Nightjar.

Yes, yes. Caprimulgus
europaeus, or goatsucker.

I hope your first day
wasn't too hard

with those two human buzzards
disguised as schoolchildren.

- I mean the Bassermans.
- No, no, no.

Don't even think of it.
Ah, ah, ah, this is a friend.

How was that?

They were even
very helpful.

I'm relieved to know it, because of all the
cold-blooded cutthroats I've ever known

wakeful or in my dreams,
they take the meat-ax.

No, no, no, no!

I have the most peculiar feeling
that you're talking to somebody else.

But I know you can't be,
since we're obviously alone.

- But I have that peculiar feeling anyway.
- Maybe something you ate.

Strix vulgaris, or
Bubo virginianus.

If it is the great horned owl,
he can probably see you from his perch,

and is telling the night
how beautiful you are.

That's very
kind of you, Charlie.

But if we're going to talk along
those lines, let's take a little walk.

Did you hear that?

No, what?

Felis concolor, the American Puma.
It sounded almost as if...

There it is.

- There it is again.
- Oh, I didn't hear anything.

You must be a little deaf.
It's practically in this room.

It's a bear!
Ursus americanus.

- A bear?
- It's a bear, not a mouse.

Well, I'm getting
ready to run.

Wait a minute, how could
it be a bear?

- Let's not find out.
- We mustn't be ridiculous.

- I don't mind.
- Where's your gun?

Right on the desk. I mean,
I don't know where it is.

- I'll get it.
- He might bite you.

Come on.

I had such different
plans for tonight.

I suppose you had.

What was that?

It's near the schoolhouse.
Somebody must have shot that bear.

- Come on.
- Are you sure that...

I'm positive. Come on.

Try to hit me with
a rock, will you?

You dirty little badger.

Better men than you
have tried to...

- Aren't those...
- The Basserman Boys.

Are they still breathing?

I don't think so.

Poor little doggies,
they weren't so bad.

Who do you suppose
could have killed them?

Not that lots of people
didn't have plenty of reason to.

I guess I did.

You did? You were
right with me, all the time.

I know. I mean, in a way,

there are a lot of things you
don't understand, Charlie.

We'd better go and tell somebody.
The Sheriff, I guess.

Not that it'll do much good now.

I don't understand.

I know you don't. And I'll explain
it all to you someday.

Just don't make me explain it
all to you now. I feel sick.

Now, just a minute, just a
minute. Let's get together here.

Everybody talking at once.

I'll conduct the investigation if
it's all the same to you, Julius.

Why, certainly Sheriff.

I mean, we don't get so
many shootings around here.

I was just
trying to be helpful.

I know, but we must be
logical about this.

Now, who in town would want to
shoot the Basserman Boys?

Practically everybody.

What is this terrible
calamity I hear?

What calamity?

It was the little Basserman Boys,
blown to mincemeat by

some person
or persons unknown.

Dear little Basserman Boys.

Aren't you exagerrating
a little?

Dr. Schultz has gone to
bring back their bodies.

Did they have a mother?

I buried her.

Now, where did you say
the "corpeses" was?

In front of the schoolhouse.

Half on the porch,
half off the porch, wasn't it?"

That's right.

One with his face looking down
and one with his face looking up.

- Ain't it?
- That's right.

- They ain't there.
- They ain't there?

- Absolutely not.
- Jumpin' Jerusalem.

I knew I should have gone
out there myself.

Every time I trust
anything to you, I...

Listen! If I tell you the corpuses
ain't there, there is no corpses.

Delicti, or any other kind.

All we found was this.

Now you're putting
fingerprints on it.

I'm supposed to handle it with
my teeth, maybe, like a dog?

Ain't this the gun I give you,
Charlie, when you was 21,

that you never learned to shoot?

- Now we're getting some place.
- Yes, but I...

He gave it to me.

- Oh, ho.
- Oh, ho, what?

Now, hold your horses,
Ike.

This is the lethal weapon.

The what weapon?

Stop lisping, will you?
I can't understand you.

You killed my boys, huh?

First you broke my
wife's heart,

then you tried to drive me out of
town, and now you killed my boys?

Who done it?

Come on, spit it out!

Keep an eye on them, they'd
just as soon shoot me.

Keep your hair on, Gus.

We feel just as bad about this
as you do, just the same.

You can save that hogwash.
Who killed my sons?

- Now, just a minute.
- Shut up, you.

That's what we're trying to find out,
Gus. That's what we're here for.

Where are they at?

You don't have to try
and hide them from me.

I'll bury them myself.

And I'll bury some of the rest of you
if you don't tell me who done it.

- That's a good one.
- Shut your maw!

We don't know who
done it, Gus.

Now we don't even know
where the bodies is.

My son seen them and examined them
at the schoolhouse, but now they're gone.

What do you mean,
they're gone?

Why should they be gone?

What kind of a cock
and bull story is that?

Wait a minute.

Why are you trying to hide them
from me, you drunken buzzard?

- Where are my sons?
- Take your hands off me.

What's so sacred
about you?

Why is Mr. Hingleman's son so much
better than Mr. Basserman's sons?

You mustn't put your hands
on Mr. Hingleman's son.

But Mr. Basserman's sons,

You can take them out
and shoot them like dogs.

and then throw them out
on the swill pile.

Whose gun is that?

Is that what done it?
Whose gun is that?

Oh, don't get excited, Gus.

- Now just a minute, Mr. Basserman...
- What are you going to say about it?

- Leave her alone.
- You diseased little...

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Basserman.
I didn't know your boys very well,

I just met them today. But I
liked them, I really did.

And- and that's my gun.

Oh, it is, is it?

- Take your hands off the lady.
- What lady?

Why, you drunken sod.
I gave her the gun.

Oh, you did, did you?

Get out of here,
I warned you.

You will, will you?

Stop that!
Get in back of me.

What's going on here?

I command that you stop.

Be careful, Ms...

Get out of my way.

Look out!

Miserable thing, go on...

...everybody who can
hold a gun.

Where are they?

...the front of the house.

Hurry, men, hurry.

Come on!

What's all the shooting for?

Yeah, can we shoot too?

- I guess so.
- Oh, goody-goody gumdrops.

Oh, wait a minute.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? It's on
account of you we're shooting.

What do you mean by pretending
to be dead, you dirty little rats?

That's so he
wouldn't shoot us.

He was standing
right there all the time

when you and Charlie
Hingleman come over.

Who was
standing right there?

That big Blackie.

- While you were there?
- Yeah.

He was going to blow-
blow- blow us to pieces.

To pieces.

So we stopped breathing.

What's all the shooting?
Where's the fight?

Right here, brother.

You like you'd had one already.

Just fire through that window
over there. You got a gun?

- Must have lost it.
- Here, take one of mine.

Just fire through that window,
right over there.

Hit anything you can see.

Now, get that horse ready.

Stop firing.

Stop! Stop firing,
Mr. Hingleman. Look!

Look! Look!

- Quiet.
- Stop!

What is it? Shut up.

Listen. Look here.

Stop, stop.

Stop, stop.

...will be a pole,
so come on.

How are you?

Now,

pick this thing up and hold it
in front of us, if you can.

Come on.

Well, well.

You got the son, huh?

Take him up in the hay loft
and hang him out the window.

And give them something
to shoot at.

How do you want him hanged, Gus?
Upside down, by his- how?

What's the matter
with the usual way?

They took mine.
A son for a son.

- String him up.
- Come on, you.

Come on.

We'll bring Charlie back or
kill the whole bunch of them.

Who's going to do the shooting?
I ain't that good.

I'll do the shooting.

- Oh, you been can?
- You said it, I been can.

Go on, bird brain.
Come on.

Would you mind?

- Come on. Hurry up, will you?
- Just a minute.

- Oh, no Hilda, I was...
- Never mind.

Hey, wait a minute.
What are we shooting at her for?

Her? That bimbo started
all the trouble.

Wait a minute. I'm- I must
be on the wrong side.

Oh, you are, are you?

Oh, you would, would you?

Calm down, will you, pal?
Take it easy.

You wouldn't shoot me down in
cold blood like a rat, would you?

Oh, yes I would.

Cut it out, will you?

You didn't think that way about
the people out there. Take that!

You would, would you?
You would, would you?

Hey!

What's the matter, chief?

Caught a spy. Just watch
what I'm going to do to him.

Come on, get it over with.

Ain't supposed to do that, chief.
You're supposed to hang spies.

Are you?

It's more
dishonorable that way.

- Oh.
- Why don't you finish it?

Take him up and hang him
with the other one, then.

We got to do things proper.

- What's that?
- Where?

There, right out
of the barn loft.

Charlie!

- Give me that other gun.
- Hurry. Hurry, hurry.

- Here comes another one.
- Where?

Blackie!

- Hurry, Hilda. Hurry.
- Shut up.

Steady, Freddie. Steady.
You got plenty of time.

It takes a man
minutes to strangle.

Don't go pulling
that trigger, honey.

Just do like Grandpa said.
Squeeze the hand,

squeeze the whole hand
like a bag of dead...

Wonderful, Hilda!

And now for you, you rat!

Steady, now. Just a nice, easy
squeeze like a bag full of dead...

Are you all right, boys?

Charlie! Charlie!

Put that down here.

And you, you rat.

Open your eyes, will you?

I tell you it broke.
Nobody could shoot that good.

Open your eyes, Blackie.

Or stick out your tongue
or do anything, will you?

Just to let me know
that you're alive.

Will you?

Wait a minute, Gus. Ain't them
your boys down there?

Well, what about it?

Ain't that what
we're fighting for?

Well, doggone if it ain't.
I plumb forgot.

I'll make a flag.

What are you doing?

Just one more for luck.

Open up. Open up.

And how are
my bouncing boys?

And how is this one?

Making mountains out of
"moleskins," like they all do.

Imagine giving up a gold
mine for a tramp like this.

What can you
see in him, anyway?

I don't know. Probably the way
his hair curls around his ears.

I guess that's it. It's probably
why I fell for him in the first place.

I guess.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Jorgensen.
- Hello.

I didn't know you
were standing there.

I'm sure glad to see you
looking so good.

I been feeling pretty good,
thank you.

Ms. Jones.

I been terribly sorry,
Ms. Jones,

but I been think we been taking
little trip together.

To Rimpau City.

I been think you been shooting
too good for Swede.

I get you, Mr. Jorgensen.

You should have left them
both hanging up there.

The more you do for these tramps,
the more you get it in the end.

But why did you have to shoot him
down, Freddie? I said "shoot."

Tipped your mitt, again.

Couldn't you have done it
with an ax, or a jackknife?

Where's Blackie?

I don't know, I suppose his...

Isn't that lobster even going to come
over and see me take the rap?

- Won't you sit here, madame?
- Merci.

Merci beaucoup.

Hello, darling.

How you feel, Freddie?
Glad to see you.

Order in court. Everyone rise
and remove their hats.

How do you do, Your Honor? I'm sure
glad to see- I sure hope you feel good.

I feel great. I've been looking
forward to this moment.

Why don't you look where you're going?

I am looking where I'm going.
If I only had my stronger glasses.

Pick up your stuff.

Shut up, sit down
and keep quiet.

Now, let's get this
thing over with.

I don't want to sit
no longer than I have to.

Everybody knows who did the
shootings, who got shot,

both times, and where
the alleged crime occurred.

What do I mean, alleged?
So call your witnesses.

Your Honor, before this case
goes any further,

I'd like to ask Your Honor
one favor.

Well, make it a quick one.

I will not even attempt
to tell Your Honor

about the wonderful courage
displayed by this young woman

while this other rube and I
were hanging,

by our necks
outside this bandit's loft.

Our breath came in short pants.
Our faces turned purple.

Our eyes bulged out
like pool balls.

Our tongues
were down to here.

But she kept on, through
the avalanche of bullets,

the rain of lead,

coolly and calmly, and shot us down
without anymore fuss than if...

She'd been shooting at me.

You don't mean that,
Your Honor.

You'd have been proud
of her, just as I am.

And that other time, when
you got nicked a little...

Nicked a little?

You have a talent
for understatement that is...

Oh, I know it's always
worse to be the recipient.

That's just where I got it, too.
You ought to feel my recipient.

I'm sure of it, Your Honor.
But it was all a mistake,

and if anybody's to blame,
I am to blame.

Very noble, but it isn't going
to get you anywhere.

I don't expect it to,
Your Honor.

All I'm trying to do is to
tell Your Honor the truth,

and ask one favor,

before the court convenes and this
unfortunate young woman is...

The court is
already convened.

And you're turning out to be
quite a blabbermouth.

If you think you're going to talk this
blonde assassin out of a sentence,

you've got another
think coming.

Because I am going to stick her in
a dungeon so deep and full of rats,

that when they go to find her,
all they'll find

is a little bundle of bones
and a bag of dried skin.

I know that, Your Honor.

I know what
you're going to do.

And I wouldn't even try to change
Your Honor's mind,

because I know
it can't be changed.

All I ask is that,
before you do it to her,

you give me the one
chance to make amends,

and show how sincere
I feel about her.

And join us
in holy wedlock.

Join you
in holy wedlock?

Why, the dirty-
well, what do you know?

Oh, no you don't.

You ain't going to get her out of
this with anything that simple.

I know it's hard for Your
Honor to understand.

Because compared to people
like Your Honor...

We probably look like
kind of terrible people.

I mean, being
gamblers and shills.

And singers, and things
like that.

But- but way down deep,
Your Honor...

We're just the same as
anybody else, Your Honor.

We dream of
little white cottages.

With little white picket
fences running around them.

In the twilight.

I was going to say the
moonlight, Your Honor.

The twilight's just as good,
don't be fussy.

And crickets chirping
in the trees.

And don't forget the pitter-patter
of little baby feet.

Oh, we haven't,
Your Honor.

We're crazy about them.

Lots and lots of them.

Paints a very pretty picture.

You think you could really put up
with this long drink of ink?

Oh- oh, he's not so bad, Your Honor.
He's not so bad as he looks.

I mean, way down deep, he's
about as true and faithful as a...

As a two dollar trumpet.

Don't go any further.
You're breaking my heart.

And I suppose you are madly
in love with this bag full of trouble.

Way down deep, I mean,
of course.

And are champing at the bit to
love, honor, protect and support her

in a style to which she is
totally unaccustomed.

Answer yes or no.

She's not so bad, Your Honor.
Way down deep, I mean.

I'm a lardhead to do this, and I'll
probably regret it the rest of my life,

but I'm considering,
only considering, mind you,

Suspending sentence,
in this case, and...

Oh, Your Honor.

Shut up, I've heard
enough out of you.

Has anybody
got a ring in the house?

Oh, Your Honor.

You can have mine.

I do not need it anymore.

Pardon.

Gee, that's terribly
kind of you.

It's nothing.

I have nothing to remember and
I don't want to remember anything.

It came from Paris, for luck.

Oh, gee, that's
awful sweet of you.

Darling, this is LaBelle Bergere.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

You are a lucky girl.

I guess I am, way down deep.

A handsome dog.

I suppose so, if you look
at him in the right light.

- And what a dancer.
- Yeah.

And how do you know?

Oh, how do I know?

One can imagine
these things, no?

No, not with him you can't.

So that's the kind of poker you play while
I'm spending the night in the calaboose.

Now, wait a minute, honey, I was
only passing a little time.

Yeah, now I know who you were
passing it with,

you two-faced, triple-timing...

Now, take it easy,
will you, baby?

Now, wait a minute.
Is this any way to...

Cut it out, will you, baby?

As for you, you cross-eyed...

Wait a minute, honey.

Oh, if I just had a gun.

Look out!

Stop that, Freddie.

- Ain't you learned your lesson?
- Give me that gun.

Stop that.
Order in the court!

Don't give it to her, Sheriff,
don't give it to her.

Look out!

Order in the court!

Let me have it.

Hold it!

Look out! Look out!

Look out!

Say it ain't so.

Tell me it didn't happen.

When it comes to him,
you never miss.

Oh, no. No.

Well, here we go again.
Three times for luck, I always say.

♪ Oh, that beautiful blonde
from Bashful Bend, ♪

♪ never did learn to keep a friend. ♪

♪ She'd give them a start,
then shoot them in the end, ♪

♪ shoot them in the end, ♪

♪ that hard-tootin', free-bootin',
six-shootin' beautiful blonde, ♪

♪ that beautiful blonde
from Bashful Bend. ♪