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1
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:18,680
How lucky we are to be here, boys,
on the final day of the decade -
2
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:19,840
the 1970s.
3
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,840
And what a decade.
4
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:25,240
Disco, Kojak and
the mighty Ford Capri.
5
00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:26,400
Any questions?
6
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:29,880
Sir, why were you coming out of
Miss Shaw's chalet this morning?
7
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,800
We were planning your New Year's Eve
party for tonight.
8
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,920
But it's already planned.
You told us all about it yesterday.
9
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,280
All right, Simon,
I never kiss and tell.
10
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,560
And I certainly never make love
and tell.
11
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,600
Yes! Well, thank you for that
12
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,560
fascinating interjection,
Mr Mammoth.
13
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:49,080
Now, if I could just continue
with the safety talk...
14
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,760
Safety talk, Roger?
15
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,000
You're not Evel Knievel
jumping over buses.
16
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,360
It's skiing. Point your skis down
the slope, hope for the best.
17
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,120
I'll go first.
18
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:01,280
But you've never skied.
What if something happens?
19
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:07,120
Then, in that case, I would like you
to always wear this
20
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:09,160
to remember me by.
21
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,280
You're not funny.
22
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,000
I will need that back,
that's my lucky necklace.
23
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,720
OK, boys, watch this.
24
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:20,440
Not that one, Mammoth,
it's a black run.
25
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,200
I don't believe in segregation.
26
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,840
I believe we're all the same.
27
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,400
That's not what that means!
28
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:30,920
All right, everyone,
now, in the unlikely event
29
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,120
of the avalanche alarm sounding...
30
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,560
LOUD SIREN BELLOWS
Sir, what's that?
31
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,720
The avalanche alarm sounding.
32
00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:41,000
Mammoth!
33
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:46,880
Mammoth! Mammoth!
34
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,360
Mammo-o-o-oth! Mammoth!
35
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,280
FILM REEL CUTS
36
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,400
MACHINE BEEPS
37
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:13,240
Aaarrrrgh!
38
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,240
Whoa! Thank you.
39
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,920
Ho-ho-ho! That was close.
40
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,320
I would like to buy you a drink
41
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:28,520
at the New Year's Eve party
later on to say thank you.
42
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:32,400
I haven't been out for that long,
have I? It is still New Year's Eve?
43
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,080
What is the date? Attendez.
44
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,400
Parler dans le telephone.
45
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,080
What is the date?
46
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,960
PHONE: It's Monday,
the 1st of January,
47
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,680
2024.
48
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,680
♪ Out on the street
I was talking to a man... ♪
49
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,560
REPORTERS:
Mr Mammoth! Mr Mammoth!
50
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,400
NEWS COMMENTARY:
Mr Mammoth told reporters,
51
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,680
"Thank God for this
global warming thing
52
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,640
"or I might never have been found."
TYRES SQUEAL
53
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,760
REPORTERS SHOUT
54
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,400
♪ You need direction, yeah
You need a name
55
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,560
♪ When you're standing
in the crossroads
56
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,640
♪ Every highway looks the same...
MAMMOTH LAUGHS
57
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:25,280
♪ After a while
you can recognise the signs
58
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,240
♪ So if you get it wrong you'll get
it right next time, next time... ♪
59
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,280
What's the story about you
and Anne Robinson?
60
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,720
Hello, mate, can I interest you
in a subscription
61
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,880
for the animal rescue hotel? Come
on, mate, it won't take long.
62
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,560
MAN GROANS
63
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,760
♪ Life is a liar
Yeah, life is a cheat... ♪
64
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,960
Yeah, I can make the meeting.
I'll be there nine-ish?
65
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,600
I'm just on my way now.
66
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,640
♪ No use complaining
Don't you worry... ♪
67
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,240
Who's a good boy?
68
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,080
Eurgh!
69
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,120
Tony Mammoth?
All right?
70
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,160
Can I just take a quick picture?
Oh, well... Yeah, course you can.
71
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,280
Just...
72
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,800
POLICE SIREN WAILS
73
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,160
♪ You've got to learn
by your mistakes
74
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:31,120
♪ You got to die a little everyday
just to try to stay awake
75
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,680
♪ Next time. ♪
76
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,720
He shot to fame as the Ice Man,
but this woolly Mammoth
77
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,880
is glad his favourite pub
didn't go extinct.
78
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:41,680
Yeah, I couldn't believe my luck,
to be honest.
79
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,600
I mean, this place hasn't changed
at all since the 1970s.
80
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,200
Bit of an exaggeration, Mammoth.
81
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,400
We do flavoured crisps now.
82
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,480
This is Barry, same great landlord.
83
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,960
Roger, the same great best mate.
84
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,520
Cheers, boys. Cheers.
There we go.
85
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,760
HE GULPS
86
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,800
So what's next...
HE BURPS
87
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,520
What's next for Tony Mammoth,
now that the world has moved on,
88
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,800
and your 15 minutes of fame is over?
89
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,520
Yeah, and thank God for that.
Who'd want to be famous now?
90
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,480
Not like it was back in the day,
is it?
91
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,280
What would you rather do?
Go on the piss with Oliver Reed,
92
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,320
or eat kangaroo's balls
in the jungle?
93
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,240
Not that he's done
either of those things.
94
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,840
No, I'm going back to do
what I was born to do.
95
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,080
BELL RINGS
96
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,760
This might seem
an unusual appointment
97
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,480
as Mr Mammoth is technically
in his 90s.
98
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,920
But Mr Freeman
is currently indisposed,
99
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,640
and Mr Mammoth is fully qualified.
100
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,680
Also, the council insisted
we had to rehire him
101
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,600
as it would be ageist not to.
102
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,320
Great. Moving on...
103
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,080
Just one thing, Mr Cowley.
104
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:53,760
Have you lost your mind?
105
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,000
He hasn't taught for half a century.
106
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,480
Leave this to me, Pete.
107
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,800
I know this school.
108
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,600
Every room, every corridor,
109
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,760
every cock and balls scratched
into a desk with a compass.
110
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,960
They knocked down the old school.
It was full of asbestos.
111
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,560
Point is...
112
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,520
...I died for this school.
113
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:18,080
Can you say that?
Can you? Can you?
114
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,400
Can you say that?
115
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,280
I never hit a kid.
116
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,720
Even when everyone was doing it.
117
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,640
Also, if Mr Mammoth joins the staff,
118
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,680
I won't be the worst dressed teacher
then.
119
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,120
EVERYONE CHUCKLES
120
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,000
Very good. What's your name?
121
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,920
Mr Evans. Carl Evans.
122
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,480
Good joke, Carl.
123
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,960
Very funny.
124
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,360
Now in the first instance,
125
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,320
it'll be a trial period of a term,
126
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,160
then we'll see where we are.
127
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,720
Oh, and while I've got you all here,
128
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,960
good luck to everyone for
parents' evening this Thursday.
129
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,800
Parents' evening is this Thursday?
Ha-ha! Brilliant!
130
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,280
Best night of the year.
I can't wait, I can't wait.
131
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,080
Where we going for a drink, first?
Ha! Good one.
132
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:04,880
Chance would be a fine thing,
Mr Mammoth.
133
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,360
Now, unless anyone has
any more questions?
134
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,760
No? Great. Good meeting, everyone.
135
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,560
Suppose you'd better
come with me, then.
136
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,600
Yeah, I should go and meet
the Head of PE first.
137
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,200
If you just want to take me to him.
I am the head of PE.
138
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,440
Yeah, course you are.
What's next?
139
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,200
"Go and get me a tin of tartan paint
from the woodwork department?"
140
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,320
There is no woodwork department.
141
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:28,640
What do you do with the thick kids?
142
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,080
Come here, you. I'll be late.
143
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,040
You can't go in with
your hair all scruffy.
144
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,840
What will the girls think?
145
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:41,040
Or boys?
You know I don't mind if you're gay.
146
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,920
Yes, I know, Mum. You've said it
loads and as I keep telling you,
147
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,320
I'm not gay. Mm...
148
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,320
But it's fine if you are.
149
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:51,200
Whatever you want to be. As long
as you're practising safe sex.
150
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,640
I'm not practising any kind of sex.
151
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,160
No, but if you are,
I just want you to be safe.
152
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,480
Aww.
153
00:07:56,480 --> 00:08:00,200
It's cool we can talk about this,
you and me,
154
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,800
chatting about sex stuff.
155
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,000
It's just bodies,
at the end of the day, isn't it?
156
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,680
OK, well, I'm going to leave the
country now so this is the last time
157
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,600
we're ever going to see each other.
SHE LAUGHS
158
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,240
Come on, give us a kiss. Mwah!
159
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,120
BOYS LAUGH
Just ignore them. Rise above it.
160
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,480
Don't let them bother you,
because they don't bother me.
161
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:17,800
Hey!
162
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,360
If you scratch my car you'll be
breathing out of your earhole,
163
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,440
you little shit!
Bye, Mum. Bye, love.
164
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,160
So, these are your
schemes of work folders.
165
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,200
Yeah, I'm not really
a folder sort of bloke.
166
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,280
Well, you are now.
167
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,000
Hey! You can't smoke in here.
168
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,440
I'm not going to walk back to
the staffroom for a smoke, am I?
169
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,240
Well, you can't smoke in
the building. In any building.
170
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,040
Who's that in the photo?
Your sister?
171
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:53,280
No, That's my partner, Suzi.
172
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,920
Business partner?
Nope, my girlfriend.
173
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:02,280
Good for you.
174
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,720
Hey, that Billie Jean King, eh?
What a tennis player.
175
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,920
Remember going to see Billie Jean
King play in 1975, Wimbledon.
176
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,720
Centre Court
just after Jimmy Connors.
177
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,440
I didn't see all of the
Billie Jean King match, obviously,
178
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,680
but I remember thinking to myself,
woo, that Billie Jean...
179
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,840
Can you stop talking
about Billie Jean King?
180
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,400
I've got loads
parents' evening prep to do.
181
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,240
Best night of the year, isn't it?
All those mums.
182
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,400
I mean, you're seeing someone,
but always good to have a plan B,
183
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,280
in case you and thingybob
don't work out.
184
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,040
BELL RINGS
Oh, thank God for that.
185
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,920
Can you just go teach your lesson
186
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:44,160
and try to remember
it's not the 1970s.
187
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,560
Two words.
188
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,520
British Bulldog.
189
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,720
Perfect test of
speed, strength and stamina.
190
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,960
It's supposed to be badminton, sir.
Badminton?
191
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:57,320
It's a PE lesson, not a holiday
at Pontins.
192
00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:00,440
It's just that Mr Freeman said...
But Mr Freeman's not here, is he?
193
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,960
Because Mr Freeman's had a nervous
breakdown and I haven't.
194
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,000
OK?
WHISTLE BLARES
195
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,600
Everyone go and line up.
196
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,960
And don't mention the breakdown,
it's confidential.
197
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,760
What's this?
That's a note.
198
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,200
"Please excuse Theo from PE
as he has..." What?
199
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,960
Carpal tunnel syndrome, sir.
200
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,120
I play a lot of video games.
Do you know Esports?
201
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,280
No, I don't and I don't want to.
202
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:25,120
We're doing real sport today. So put
that away, go and line up.
203
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,400
But my wrist is really sore.
You're a teenage boy,
204
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:28,920
of course your wrist is sore.
205
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,680
Put that away, go and line up.
206
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:34,000
But, sir, I haven't even got any
kit. I will get you some kit.
207
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,760
Or would you rather
I sent you to maths?
208
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,080
Yes. yes, I would. I like maths.
Really? Yeah.
209
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,320
So Mummy went back.
210
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,400
I know you've asked me not
to come into the school again
211
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:47,720
after that swimming lesson,
212
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,280
but I only jumped in because
I thought you were in trouble.
213
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:54,200
Anyway, the weather is awful,
and I don't want you getting cold.
214
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,560
So I'll literally drop your coat off
and go.
215
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,080
Love you.
216
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,120
LOUD SHOUTING
217
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,040
What the hell's going on?!
218
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,960
Mum... Aargh!
219
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,920
Theo wasn't even supposed
to be doing PE.
220
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,960
And yet I come along and
find him getting assaulted.
221
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,440
He got distracted because she
interrupted my PE lesson. Ha!
222
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,040
I wouldn't call that shitshow
I just saw a lesson.
223
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,800
What do you know? About teaching?
Quite a bit, actually. Oh, yeah?
224
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,280
My mum was a teacher.
225
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,680
My mum was a housewife,
doesn't mean I can iron a shirt.
226
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:39,400
You shouldn't have been there,
simple as that. It was an emergency.
227
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,640
Theo forgot his big coat.
He could have frozen to death.
228
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:44,200
MAMMOTH CHUCKLES
I doubt it.
229
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,320
And what do you know?
About freezing to death?
230
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,520
HE MIMICS HER: Quite a bit
actually. I froze to death.
231
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,520
Right, well, I think that's all
settled then. No?
232
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,520
No. My son was excused
on medical grounds.
233
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,400
What are you going to do about it?
I want him sacked.
234
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:02,080
Mr Mammoth made a mistake
but sacking is extreme. And ageist.
235
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,520
Ageist? Yeah. Me? Yes.
236
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,640
I ran a 10K for Age Concern,
thank you very much.
237
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,480
You dropped out the week before.
Yes, but I trained for it.
238
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,160
You're not helping, Theo.
239
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,600
Well, I'm sure Mr Mammoth
has learned his lesson
240
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,320
and this won't happen again.
241
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:21,560
Fine. OK. No PE for Theo. Got it.
242
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,120
Lovely to meet you.
243
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:24,400
Bye.
244
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:32,360
I've got to go, too, actually.
245
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,160
Trying to get me sacked
on parents' evening week
246
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,600
in the middle of my
longest ever dry spell.
247
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,560
Last one was Linda. Lovely Linda.
248
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:45,760
Died of a broken heart.
Congenital heart failure.
249
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,040
Nah, it's the same thing.
250
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,640
Billie Jean King's still alive.
251
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,800
She's 80.
Oh, a bit of good news.
252
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,520
Can we get rid of
the board of death now?
253
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,760
It's depressing the regulars.
254
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,600
Barry, we are the regulars.
255
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,880
I want to turn it back
into a cocktail board
256
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,520
so I can serve exotic drinks
from around the world, like...
257
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:07,680
...gin and tonic.
258
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,880
Vodka and tonic.
259
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,200
Rum and tonic.
260
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,760
Drink up, Rog,
you're two pints behind.
261
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,000
I'll go at my own pace, thank you.
Gin and lemonade.
262
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,760
Well, pick up the pace tomorrow
night because... Rum and lemonade.
263
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,640
...I have fixed it for you to
come with me to parents' evening.
264
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,640
No, Mammoth.
Oh, really? Poor thing.
265
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,720
Do NOT write his name on there.
266
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,120
Gin and water.
267
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,560
Vodka and water. Rum and water.
All right, Barry.
268
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,520
Tomorrow, then, eh? Mind and you.
Like old times.
269
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,640
I don't even work there any more.
Haven't for 20 years.
270
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,840
Don't worry about it.
I'll get you in.
271
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,480
It's not a nightclub, Mammoth.
272
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,320
You've changed. Do you know that?
You've got really boring.
273
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,680
No, I've just got old.
274
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:51,400
Barry's old. He's not boring
though, is he?
275
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,880
I could rebrand the whole place.
276
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,320
Call it...
277
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:58,200
...Barry's Cocktail Bar and Pub.
278
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:02,480
See? He's still got a dream.
Hasn't given up.
279
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,880
Where's the Roger who could
drink a pint in five seconds?
280
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,880
Where's Five Second Roger?
Long gone, Mammoth.
281
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,920
In fact I'm Five Minute Roger
these days,
282
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,560
because that's how long it takes me
to have a piss.
283
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,280
I'm going home.
284
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:18,360
I'm tired, and I want
to have a nap for an hour,
285
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,600
because it's bingo night.
286
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,760
I love bingo.
287
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,600
So thoughtless.
288
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,400
Bingo. What a load of balls.
289
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:31,000
A lot of people like it, Mammoth.
No, Barry, I'm saying bingo.
290
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,680
What a load of balls.
291
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,640
But a lot of people do like it.
292
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:40,800
Thoughtless? Me?
293
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,600
Can you believe Roger called me
that? I don't know who Roger is.
294
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,200
Play to the horn!
295
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,000
CAR HORN TOOTS
296
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,120
Bugger. Do me a favour, go back
to my desk, get my tobacco.
297
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,520
There's a good lad.
298
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,000
Come on.
299
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,560
CAR HORN BLASTS
Penalty. Wait for me.
300
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,240
HE COUGHS
Oh, bollocks.
301
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,800
LOUD THUD, GROANING
302
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,080
Argh!
303
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,520
GROANS IN PAIN
304
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,880
It's OK, boys, it's not dented.
305
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,840
I mean, you're all right, though
aren't you? It's nothing bad, is it?
306
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,720
You hit me with a car.
Clipped you with a car.
307
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,680
Should have been using
the Green Cross Code.
308
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,320
I wasn't expecting a lot of traffic
on the school football pitch.
309
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,240
Too busy looking
at your bloody cordless phone.
310
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,080
A phone should not be
on the football pitch.
311
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:34,720
Neither should a car.
312
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,080
All right, hands up,
I'm not entirely blameless
313
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,760
but keep this our little secret, OK?
I think it's broken.
314
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,000
Can you wiggle it?
315
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,040
Your phone?
Is that all you're worried about?
316
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:47,040
It's new. I'll buy you another
phone, on one condition.
317
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,520
Do not tell your mother about this.
I cannot lose my job,
318
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,440
not this close to parents' evening.
319
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,760
Right, and what'll I say when my mum
asks what happened?
320
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,800
Tell her a kid kicked you.
321
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,120
Pick any kid you like,
I'll back you up. No.
322
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,720
Member of staff, then.
323
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,640
What about Mr Evans?
The one who thinks he's funny.
324
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,240
Tell your mum you bent down, he
pinched your bum, and you fell over.
325
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:10,360
Just make up any lie and I'll
buy you a new phone. Deal?
326
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:31,480
Saint-Emilion.
327
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,080
Very nice.
328
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,400
Thank you.
329
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,400
Well, I just wanted to say
sorry for before.
330
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,760
I think subconsciously
maybe I still blame you
331
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,960
for not finding me in the snow.
Mammoth, I dug and dug and dug
332
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,560
in that snow for six days
and nights.
333
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,920
Not even a week.
Still, it's not about blame.
334
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,040
You're my oldest friend, literally.
335
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,520
Need to start treating you better.
336
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,720
Really? I know you can't come
tonight, but I thought
337
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,840
couple of pre-parents' evening
liveners, like we used to.
338
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,240
There you are.
339
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,040
Don't be shy, don't be shy,
don't be shy.
340
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:09,880
Come on. There we are.
341
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:10,960
Nice.
342
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,760
Do you want to just do that first?
343
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,760
There we go.
344
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,160
Yeah.
345
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,640
There we go. There's a good lad.
346
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,280
Ah!
347
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,160
Listen, before you have that,
348
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,920
would you mind dropping me in
to the do?
349
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:39,040
I would drive myself, but I've
already had two glasses of wine,
350
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,920
and I don't drink and drive.
It's not fashionable these days.
351
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,360
I see. And I suppose you want me
to pick you up later?
352
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,320
That's very kind of you.
Cheers, Rog.
353
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,280
Right, let's go.
354
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,440
It's show time.
355
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,280
MUSIC: Daddy Cool
by Boney M
356
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,200
♪ She's crazy like a fool
357
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,240
♪ Wild about Daddy Cool
358
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,240
♪ I'm crazy like a fool
359
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,320
♪ Wild about Daddy Cool
360
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,880
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool
361
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,200
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool
362
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,720
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool
363
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,800
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool
364
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,320
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool
365
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,800
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool. ♪
366
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,680
Cutting it a bit fine, Carl.
367
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,280
Someone slashed my tyres.
368
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,080
The bastards. That's awful.
369
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:55,000
Good luck, everyone.
370
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,760
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool. ♪
371
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,600
Yeah, El Mocambo Club
in Toronto, 1977.
372
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,200
Surprise gig.
373
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,640
Got to hang out with
Mick and Keith afterwards.
374
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,760
You a Stones fan? Yeah, er, so,
I know Tom fell behind last year...
375
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,880
They're good guys. Got all
of their stuff on vinyl.
376
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,960
Maybe call over one night, when
Tom's dad's got him for the weekend.
377
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,480
Pina Colada? Erm...
378
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,880
Sorry to interrupt, Mrs Taylor,
379
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,880
I just need to speak to Mr Mammoth.
Excuse me.
380
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,240
What the hell are you doing?
I was in there.
381
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,040
You can't hit on all the mums.
I'm not. Just the single ones.
382
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,400
Trying to pick up women on
parents' evening?
383
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,160
Do you know how inappropriate
that is? It's very appropriate.
384
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:38,760
Mum gets me, the kid gets
a positive father figure.
385
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,720
I'm fit, I'm active,
I've got a good job.
386
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,480
I can even take them to school
every day. Everyone's a winner.
387
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,480
No, Mammoth. Don't do it again.
388
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:48,920
Do you understand?
389
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,960
Jason's told me all about
his fun new PE teacher.
390
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,520
My reputation precedes me, Mrs...?
Miss Mason.
391
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,560
Miss? Interesting.
392
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,680
He does sometimes make stuff up, though.
393
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,840
He said you let him
drive your car round the field.
394
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,960
What an imagination!
395
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,080
No, he's a good lad, Miss Mason.
396
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,040
Just lacking a strong
male role model.
397
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,360
Yeah, well, there's not many of them
around here.
398
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,880
Sometimes they can be right
under your nose, can't they?
399
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,560
Here's 10p, Jason.
400
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,920
Go and get yourself a Marathon
from the tuck shop.
401
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,280
Give it back, please.
402
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,200
Next.
403
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,360
So there I was,
nine strikes in a row.
404
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,960
In the next lane -
Mr Roger Moore, 007.
405
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,320
Couldn't believe his eyes.
Lovely fella, by the way.
406
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:36,600
Owner came over and said to me,
407
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,920
"Excuse me, you've got to wear
proper bowling shoes."
408
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,240
I said, "My friend, these are
proper bowling shoes.
409
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,880
"These are Italian handmade
snakeskin leather bowling shoes."
410
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,080
Excuse me, Mr Mammoth.
411
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,400
Guess who's in the other lane?
412
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,720
Billie Jean King. Next!
413
00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,200
You'd be willing to do that? Come
round and give him home tutoring?
414
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,560
Anything to get him through his
O-Levels. What's an O-Level?
415
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,120
Sorry, I couldn't get parked.
What did I miss?
416
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,720
For... Nothing. We're done.
417
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,120
They're my own teeth.
418
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,840
I struggle to get shirts to fit
on the sleeves.
419
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,440
What are your thoughts on Brut 33?
420
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:18,880
Pina Colada?
421
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,440
I can do this one.
422
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:21,880
Or do that one.
423
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,720
I can do both.
424
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,760
Next. Next! NEXT!
425
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,960
Poor you.
Mum, can we go?
426
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,080
Dean, I'm having an interesting chat
with Mr Mammoth.
427
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,680
Shut up, Dean.
428
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,680
Nights are the worst.
429
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:40,040
The darkness, reminds me
of being under the snow.
430
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,720
On my own.
It'll get easier, believe me.
431
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:47,240
I know all about lonely nights
since Dean's... dad left.
432
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,320
Needs his head seen to,
walking out on you.
433
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,640
Do you fancy a drink after this?
434
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,000
I could drop Dean off at my mum's
and you could meet me
435
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,280
after you finish? No need. I have
finished. Come with you right now.
436
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,480
Erm, my mate Rog can pick us up.
Just give me two minutes.
437
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,720
Sorry, everyone. I've got to leave.
438
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,480
Good kid. Tall kid. Nice kid.
439
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,560
Not all there. Surprisingly sporty.
440
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,640
OK, let's...
You ran over my son.
441
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,120
No, no, no, let's not do this now.
Let's talk about this tomorrow.
442
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:16,920
No, no, we can't talk
about this tomorrow
443
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,040
because you ran over my son.
You ran over her son?
444
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,160
I didn't run him over,
I just clipped him,
445
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,840
and the car is absolutely fine.
446
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,280
Brilliant. Oh, thanks very much.
447
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,000
Yeah, and we had a deal, Theo.
I'll have that phone back.
448
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,280
Get away from him. Did you think
you could buy my son's silence?
449
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:35,240
For £700, yes. Well, you can't
because Theo tells me everything.
450
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,520
Everything! We're like best friends.
Mum, calm down.
451
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,560
I am very calm.
452
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,000
Are you staring at my...
No, no, no.
453
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,280
Where did you get
that necklace from?
454
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,720
Not that it's any of your business,
but it was my mum's.
455
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:52,000
Always wear this to remember me.
456
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,840
You're not funny.
457
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,080
I will need that back,
that's my lucky necklace.
458
00:22:58,080 --> 00:22:59,520
OK, watch me.
459
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,320
Linda Shaw?
460
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:03,840
Yeah.
461
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,080
How did you know...?
That's my lucky necklace.
462
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,400
Leo Sayer gave me that.
463
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:10,280
I gave that to Linda Shaw,
New Year's Eve, 1979.
464
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,320
Well, you can't have because my dad
gave it to her the day he died.
465
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,920
No, he didn't die.
What?
466
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,120
Everything OK here?
Oh, yeah, great.
467
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:21,360
Mr Mammoth ran over my son and now
he's calling my dead mum a liar.
468
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:24,800
If you don't sack him,
I will be suing the school.
469
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,720
Great. Carry on.
470
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:28,960
What...?
471
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,880
You're not going to get me sacked.
472
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,800
Oh, really? And why's that?
473
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,160
Because I'm pretty sure...
474
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,440
I'm your dad.
475
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:43,960
No, you can't be.
476
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:46,000
Don't even know your name.
477
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,080
It's Melanie.
478
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:49,720
Well, Mel,
479
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,200
we've got a lot of catching up
to do.
480
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,840
But right now, I really need
that lucky necklace back
481
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:57,680
because I'm dying on my arse
over there.
482
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,120
♪ Ah, freak out
483
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,480
♪ Le freak, c'est chic
484
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:03,680
♪ Freak out
485
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:07,840
♪ Ah, freak out
486
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,840
♪ Le freak, c'est chic
487
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,600
♪ Freak out
488
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,800
♪ Ah, freak out
489
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,000
♪ Ah, freak out
490
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:22,640
♪ Le freak, c'est chic
491
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,120
♪ Freak out
492
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,040
♪ Ah, freak out
493
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,800
♪ Le freak, c'est chic
494
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,160
♪ Freak out
495
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,120
♪ Ah, freak out
496
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,000
♪ Le freak, c'est chic
497
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,600
♪ Freak out. ♪
36019
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