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00:00:13,333 --> 00:00:15,033
- The saying they love in Bisbee
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00:00:15,066 --> 00:00:17,233
is that when you go
through the tunnel
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00:00:17,266 --> 00:00:21,800
coming into Bisbee,
you're going back through time.
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00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:27,166
If you don't know the story
of this venue,
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00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:29,367
it used to be a church
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00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,000
and then it became a theater
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00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:37,533
and then a--a beautiful
local eccentric millionaire
8
00:00:37,567 --> 00:00:41,367
put a couple million dollars
into renovating it
9
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:47,200
to make it, like, one of the
best places I've ever played.
10
00:00:47,233 --> 00:00:51,166
And then he closed it.
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00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:54,333
And then he reopened it.
12
00:00:54,367 --> 00:00:57,300
Then he got angry
and closed it again.
13
00:00:57,333 --> 00:01:00,967
Then he reopened it as
a movie theater, or something.
14
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,767
And then he got angry
and closed it,
15
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:04,567
and then he said, "Fuck it,"
16
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:08,867
and he just donated it to KBRP,
the local--
17
00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:14,066
Somehow, dumping $2 million
into a bar
18
00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:18,200
in a town of 5,000 people,
19
00:01:18,233 --> 00:01:23,767
where the biggest employer
is permanent disability
20
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,300
and small pensions,
21
00:01:26,333 --> 00:01:31,967
didn't work out for him
as a business plan.
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00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,367
That's--
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00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:39,033
The statistic is,
roughly one out of six Americans
24
00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:41,367
live below the poverty line,
25
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,767
which, I know, that's you,
26
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,867
my fan base, generally.
27
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:50,767
Probably four out of six of my
fan base below the poverty line.
28
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:55,166
My friends in Bisbee,
five out of six, easily.
29
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,066
Plus a fraction.
30
00:01:58,100 --> 00:02:01,066
But it's not poverty.
31
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:04,600
People down here work
as little as possible,
32
00:02:04,633 --> 00:02:06,700
which is admirable.
33
00:02:06,734 --> 00:02:08,100
It's just enough to get by.
34
00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:09,600
That's below the poverty line,
35
00:02:09,633 --> 00:02:12,133
but it's just "kind of broke,"
is what it is.
36
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:13,767
It's not poverty.
37
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,400
It's insulting
to impoverished countries
38
00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:19,834
to say one out of six people
live in poverty.
39
00:02:19,867 --> 00:02:22,767
That's American standards
of poverty,
40
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:26,000
where you still have
a flip phone,
41
00:02:26,033 --> 00:02:28,867
and you're embarrassed to
break it out in front of chicks.
42
00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:32,200
That kind
of disgraceful poverty.
43
00:02:32,233 --> 00:02:35,600
You have to watch "Walking Dead"
on BitTorrent.
44
00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,667
Oh, my God.
45
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,533
"The way I have to live..."
46
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:41,834
You got to roll up
the passenger side window
47
00:02:41,867 --> 00:02:43,166
with pliers,
48
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,266
'cause the handle fell off
in your Dodge Neon.
49
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,767
"You don't have power windows?
50
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:54,100
Wow, you're well below
the poverty..."
51
00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:56,800
It's not world poverty.
52
00:02:56,834 --> 00:03:00,667
Our landfills
are third-world bling.
53
00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:08,734
Do you ever--do you ever watch
"Locked Up Abroad"?
54
00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:10,100
[sparse cheering]
55
00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:13,500
If you haven't, the name
is pretty much self-explanatory.
56
00:03:13,533 --> 00:03:15,233
It's stories about people,
57
00:03:15,266 --> 00:03:18,266
Western people
who got locked up abroad.
58
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:20,834
It's usually some chunky girl
59
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:24,734
that got talked
into taking an exotic vacation
60
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:28,433
from some smooth-talking,
swarthy man
61
00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:32,967
in a cocktail lounge.
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00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,066
"And he wanted to take me
to Indonesia,
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00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:39,133
and he was gonna pay
for my travel,
64
00:03:39,166 --> 00:03:43,533
and I thought it was
a good opportunity to travel.
65
00:03:43,567 --> 00:03:48,867
All I had to do was carry
a satchel of his in my asshole,
66
00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:51,200
and he was gonna help me pay
67
00:03:51,233 --> 00:03:55,967
for community college.
68
00:03:56,000 --> 00:04:01,233
I was skeptical,
but I wanted to travel."
69
00:04:01,266 --> 00:04:04,400
So she winds up
in some Indonesian prison
70
00:04:04,433 --> 00:04:06,834
for seven or eight years.
71
00:04:06,867 --> 00:04:09,900
Granted, horrific conditions.
72
00:04:09,934 --> 00:04:11,633
Just got to shit in a bucket,
73
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:16,033
and bugs crawling in and out
of her orifi at night,
74
00:04:16,066 --> 00:04:21,300
and rats nibble her toes,
and everyone hates her.
75
00:04:21,333 --> 00:04:22,433
It's not pleasant,
76
00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:25,233
but what they never address is,
77
00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:29,233
just outside
of those prison walls...
78
00:04:29,266 --> 00:04:32,467
exact same conditions.
79
00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:35,700
Real-world poverty.
80
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,433
Some kid sitting right outside
81
00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:40,066
the corrugated walls
and the razor wire,
82
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:41,734
whistling songs.
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00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:44,567
He's got raw sewage
shit river
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00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,767
running through his
front lawn.
85
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:51,000
He's got to spear rats
in a dump to feed his kinfolk.
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00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:55,367
Just another day
in Indonesia.
87
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:59,967
I want to see
"Locked Up Abroad:
88
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,900
Abroad Version,"
89
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:05,300
where that same kid
gets the same opportunity
90
00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:08,967
to smuggle drugs
into our country,
91
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,300
gets busted
at Newark International
92
00:05:11,333 --> 00:05:13,967
with black tar heroin
in his asshole,
93
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,433
spends eight or ten years
94
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:18,800
in one of our finer
penal institutions.
95
00:05:18,834 --> 00:05:22,734
What tales of woe
he's gonna write back
96
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:26,033
to his parents.
97
00:05:26,066 --> 00:05:27,867
"Dear Mother,
98
00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:31,433
I am writing to you now
from paradise.
99
00:05:32,934 --> 00:05:38,100
I now live in a castle,
100
00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:43,333
where my room measures
a full 6 feet by 9 feet
101
00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:47,100
that I share with
only four other people.
102
00:05:47,133 --> 00:05:51,700
Meals are catered to my door
thrice daily,
103
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:57,433
with relatively few maggots
as compared to the home cuisine.
104
00:05:57,467 --> 00:06:01,233
Every room
in my estate is equipped
105
00:06:01,266 --> 00:06:05,166
with a stainless steel throne
106
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,967
full to the rim
107
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:11,233
with clean drinking water.
108
00:06:11,266 --> 00:06:14,500
So plentiful, you could just
take a dump in it
109
00:06:14,533 --> 00:06:17,266
as a goof
and press a button,
110
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:20,033
and it's replenished
with even more
111
00:06:20,066 --> 00:06:23,567
clean drinking water.
112
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,233
Mother, I make
72 cents a day here
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00:06:27,266 --> 00:06:29,734
in the prison laundry,
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00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:34,233
double that what Father made
sewing shoes for Nike."
115
00:06:34,266 --> 00:06:37,200
[laughing, cheering]
116
00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:40,667
"Mother, Mother,
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00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:45,000
I can practice homosexuality
openly now,
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00:06:45,033 --> 00:06:50,333
with no threat of being
beheaded in the town square
119
00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:52,867
by the local mullah."
120
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,133
And good, goodness,
121
00:06:58,166 --> 00:07:01,133
isn't that an easy segue
into ISIS.
122
00:07:01,166 --> 00:07:03,934
[laughter, applause]
123
00:07:03,967 --> 00:07:06,600
Hell yeah.
124
00:07:06,633 --> 00:07:08,767
Scary, that ISIS.
125
00:07:12,467 --> 00:07:14,867
What the ISIS is doing now,
126
00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:18,166
the ISIS is using social media
127
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,300
to recruit disenfranchised,
128
00:07:21,333 --> 00:07:24,533
angry youth
129
00:07:24,567 --> 00:07:27,433
to join them.
130
00:07:27,467 --> 00:07:29,233
And that's what I do.
131
00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:36,700
That's my demographic.
132
00:07:36,734 --> 00:07:37,967
Fuck off, ISIS.
133
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,133
I'm working this corner.
134
00:07:45,266 --> 00:07:48,200
That's my people.
135
00:07:48,233 --> 00:07:52,533
I have never felt threatened
by any other comedian.
136
00:07:52,567 --> 00:07:56,400
I never had a comedic rival
that worried me.
137
00:07:56,433 --> 00:07:58,667
If you're into
the weird shit that I do,
138
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:02,233
I'm the only guy selling.
139
00:08:02,266 --> 00:08:05,533
It's a very small niche fan base
of weird people
140
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:08,333
that'll fly
from all over the world
141
00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:11,133
to come and sit in 150 seats.
142
00:08:11,166 --> 00:08:14,100
[cheers and applause]
143
00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:17,800
Jeff Dunham and Peanut
144
00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:20,367
is playing across the street
for free.
145
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,934
You're not flipping a coin.
146
00:08:21,967 --> 00:08:24,066
You're here.
I got you.
147
00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:25,834
No comic has threatened me.
148
00:08:25,867 --> 00:08:28,633
ISIS worries me.
149
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:31,133
That's you,
the angry, young,
150
00:08:31,166 --> 00:08:34,500
disturbed,
knock-kneed kid
151
00:08:34,533 --> 00:08:38,066
in a Misfits t-shirt
that showed up alone,
152
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,066
lonely
and hapless and helpless.
153
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:43,266
Yeah, stay with me.
Don't join the ISIS, kid.
154
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:46,266
I actually care about you
a little bit.
155
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:49,033
ISIS does not care about you.
156
00:08:49,066 --> 00:08:52,266
You think you could get a selfie
with Jihadi John
157
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:55,166
after a Friday night beheading?
No.
158
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,834
He wouldn't even talk to you.
159
00:08:57,867 --> 00:09:00,700
I'll take a selfie with you
after the show.
160
00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:02,767
[cheering]
161
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:07,400
Evidently, the Jihadi John
was killed in a drone strike.
162
00:09:07,433 --> 00:09:09,934
And I don't--I don't know
how this affects
163
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:13,967
the whole beheading video thing.
164
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,667
I don't know if it's gonna work
like "True Detective" now,
165
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:20,266
where they film eight episodes
for a season,
166
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,734
and then they recast
the whole thing
167
00:09:22,767 --> 00:09:24,600
now that Jihadi John is gone,
168
00:09:24,633 --> 00:09:28,533
but I watched season one
of the beheading videos.
169
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:31,200
I don't know if you caught it.
170
00:09:31,233 --> 00:09:33,834
I don't know
if it's on Netflix yet.
171
00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:38,500
But the first run of eight,
172
00:09:38,533 --> 00:09:42,133
Jihadi John
was the protagonist,
173
00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:44,333
or antagonist,
depending, I guess.
174
00:09:44,367 --> 00:09:48,266
That's a glass half full
kind of question.
175
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:49,500
But he's the main guy.
176
00:09:49,533 --> 00:09:51,166
He would open
the beheading video
177
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:56,066
with this extended monologue,
which...
178
00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:57,433
runs a little too long.
179
00:09:57,467 --> 00:10:01,233
It's funnier than Fallon,
but it's--still...
180
00:10:01,266 --> 00:10:02,567
[cheering]
181
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:06,000
Wrap it up, Jihadi John.
182
00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:10,834
But they had a different
guest star in every episode
183
00:10:10,867 --> 00:10:12,667
in an orange jump suit.
184
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,533
And he's down on his knees,
185
00:10:14,567 --> 00:10:16,066
and he really carried--
186
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:18,300
the guest star carried
every episode.
187
00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:22,834
Did you not see the beheading
videos, season one?
188
00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:24,467
He had to carry the show,
189
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:28,967
'cause he's limited dialogue,
which, that's hard acting.
190
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,600
When you only have a few lines
191
00:10:30,633 --> 00:10:33,133
and you have to carry
the whole show
192
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,800
just with this stoicism
in your face,
193
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:40,734
trying to not betray
your inner terror.
194
00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:42,166
You're nervous.
195
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:47,000
It's your first time your
parents are gonna see you on TV.
196
00:10:47,033 --> 00:10:50,834
Trying not to laugh.
197
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,900
Don't want to make
the beheading blooper reel.
198
00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:54,834
Like, "Cut, do it again."
199
00:10:54,867 --> 00:10:57,200
"I'm sorry, I keep laughing."
200
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:04,600
But my only critique
about the beheading videos...
201
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:10,767
In this recent...version,
202
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,266
there was no cutting off
of the head.
203
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:17,100
You didn't watch?
204
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:18,967
Jihadi John,
"Blah, blah, blah, blah,"
205
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,800
and his black rag
around his head.
206
00:11:20,834 --> 00:11:23,166
And then they put the knife
to the guy's head,
207
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,467
and then they just cut away
to the beheaded body
208
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:28,834
with the head
sitting next to it.
209
00:11:28,867 --> 00:11:31,734
It--
210
00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:34,000
Like, if you remember
old-school,
211
00:11:34,033 --> 00:11:38,734
early 2000s beheading videos,
Nick Berg, Daniel Pearl,
212
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:40,967
that was full-on, "Gah!"
213
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,200
Eyes rolling back.
214
00:11:42,233 --> 00:11:43,900
[strained screaming]
215
00:11:43,934 --> 00:11:46,700
Er, er, er.
216
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:49,233
This is just a beheaded video.
217
00:11:49,266 --> 00:11:50,900
It's not a beheading.
218
00:11:50,934 --> 00:11:53,300
It's--
219
00:11:53,333 --> 00:11:54,700
It's past tense.
220
00:11:54,734 --> 00:11:57,100
It's soft-core beheadings.
221
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,266
There's no penetration.
222
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:02,934
[cheers and applause]
223
00:12:02,967 --> 00:12:05,767
You hope
somebody is getting chewed out
224
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:10,400
in an editing bay
over at ISIS central casting.
225
00:12:10,433 --> 00:12:13,633
"Lewis,
I saw your latest reel,
226
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:17,467
and you're still missing
a very integral part
227
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:20,166
of a beheading video.
228
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,100
It's the gurgly-gurgly part.
229
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:26,367
That's what the focus groups
respond to, Lewis.
230
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,934
We're not making
art films here.
231
00:12:32,033 --> 00:12:35,767
Do you remember 9/11?
232
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,967
Imagine if they
forgot the footage
233
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,367
where the plane
actually hits
234
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:44,600
the fucking building,
Lewis.
235
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:47,633
It's like, I ask you
to make me pornography,
236
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:51,600
you show me a man
unzipping his fly,
237
00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:55,734
and then you smash cut
to come.
238
00:12:55,767 --> 00:12:57,166
Just a puddle of come,
239
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,266
and no one knows
how it arrived here."
240
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:10,433
Why--I don't know why
they have to recruit...
241
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:15,867
When,
in America, there's a...
242
00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:19,033
mass murder every week
243
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,800
just on our own;
we just do that.
244
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:25,233
Someone goes out and kills
a whole bunch of people.
245
00:13:25,266 --> 00:13:27,667
Just take credit for it.
246
00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:30,100
Guy goes out and kills
18 people at work
247
00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:31,200
and then kills himself,
248
00:13:31,233 --> 00:13:34,300
just say,
"Yeah, that was us.
249
00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:36,567
It's ISIS."
250
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,200
That was a schizophrenic kid
251
00:13:38,233 --> 00:13:39,900
who dropped out
of community college
252
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:42,367
and thought the president
was reading his e-mails
253
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:46,233
and he was a secret
alien lizard person.
254
00:13:46,266 --> 00:13:47,834
"No, it was ISIS, it was us."
255
00:13:47,867 --> 00:13:51,467
All right.
256
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:52,834
It's just a cheap segue
257
00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:54,967
into the mental illness chunk
I'm about to do,
258
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,800
and it goes on and on.
259
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,667
We're gonna talk
about mental illness
260
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:07,000
and I know there's
a lot of different types,
261
00:14:07,033 --> 00:14:09,367
but,
for the sake of this bit,
262
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:14,200
I'm gonna break them down
into two camps:
263
00:14:14,233 --> 00:14:18,200
camp one:
mentally disturbed people.
264
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,667
These are people
with a mental illness
265
00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:23,567
that is disturbing to them.
266
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,533
And there's a lot
of different kinds.
267
00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:28,567
There's the, "Ah...ah...
everything's a germ, man.
268
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:32,333
I wear plastic gloves
like a Subway sandwich artist
269
00:14:32,367 --> 00:14:34,567
because I know everything's
gonna infect me,
270
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:39,433
and I wear a SARS mask on
my bicycle when I go to work."
271
00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:42,300
Or, "I got to flip
the light switch three times
272
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:44,567
before I go to work--
one, two, three.
273
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,800
And then I wipe my feet
on the mat--one, two, three.
274
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:50,133
And then if I think
I forgot to do the light switch,
275
00:14:50,166 --> 00:14:54,667
I'll go home from work on my
lunch break--one, two, three."
276
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:56,767
And these boil
all the way down to,
277
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,467
"The government
has a chip in my head,
278
00:14:58,500 --> 00:14:59,900
and they're
tracking my thoughts,
279
00:14:59,934 --> 00:15:03,667
and they're making me
do stuff."
280
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:07,066
Camp one:
mentally disturbed.
281
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:12,066
Camp two:
mentally challenged people.
282
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:15,433
Also have a mental disability.
283
00:15:15,467 --> 00:15:21,333
They just don't seem
disturbed by it on any level.
284
00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:24,767
They seem to quite enjoy
having that disability.
285
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,734
They both have
a mental impairment,
286
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:40,066
but only one of the two camps
gets any kind of sympathy.
287
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:43,934
Mentally challenged people
get all the hugs
288
00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:46,800
and kickball in the world.
289
00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:48,900
Everyone loves them.
290
00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:51,700
Mentally disturbed get kicked
the fuck out of the house
291
00:15:51,734 --> 00:15:53,100
as soon as they're old enough.
292
00:15:53,133 --> 00:15:55,834
"There's something wrong
with that boy.
293
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:57,567
He's got the devil in him.
294
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:01,967
Get out of my house!"
295
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,300
It's not a--he doesn't have
the devil in him.
296
00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:05,834
He's got a fucking
mental illness.
297
00:16:05,867 --> 00:16:07,367
Take care of him.
298
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,467
But you don't with camp ones,
299
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:11,834
because mentally
disturbed people
300
00:16:11,867 --> 00:16:13,400
are frightening and irritating.
301
00:16:13,433 --> 00:16:16,300
They seem dangerous
a lot of the time.
302
00:16:16,333 --> 00:16:18,800
They have bees
living in their beard,
303
00:16:18,834 --> 00:16:20,633
and they walk through
the crosswalk
304
00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:21,800
talking to themselves.
305
00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:24,767
[blathering incoherently]
306
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,166
And you know,
if you make eye contact,
307
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,400
all of those problems
in his head
308
00:16:31,433 --> 00:16:33,600
are gonna be your problem.
309
00:16:33,633 --> 00:16:36,133
[blathering incoherently]
310
00:16:36,166 --> 00:16:39,133
[shouting incoherently]
311
00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:43,300
And occasionally--
312
00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:47,667
it's very rare, but
it's always well-publicized--
313
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:50,100
randomly, sometimes,
314
00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:51,767
mentally disturbed people
315
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,500
will go kill
a whole bunch of folks
316
00:16:54,533 --> 00:16:58,300
for no logical reason
that you can see.
317
00:16:58,333 --> 00:16:59,533
So you don't want
to give them
318
00:16:59,567 --> 00:17:02,734
the same sympathy
and safe quarter
319
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:06,767
that you do mentally
challenged people.
320
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,467
No one ever says that.
321
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:12,300
"Retards never kill people."
322
00:17:12,333 --> 00:17:16,400
Nobody ever says,
"Did you hear about Kevin?
323
00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:20,166
He went all Downsy
and shot up a movie theater.
324
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,367
It was the weirdest thing."
325
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,266
"He went full-blown
special needs
326
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:30,266
and drowned his own children
in a bathtub.
327
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:33,700
Nobody saw it coming."
328
00:17:33,734 --> 00:17:38,033
So retards get to live at home
until they're 45 or 80.
329
00:17:38,066 --> 00:17:41,133
You can never tell
how old they are.
330
00:17:41,166 --> 00:17:44,867
While your crazy people
just get chucked into the street
331
00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:46,734
as soon as they turn of age
332
00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:49,233
and then you got
free-range crazies
333
00:17:49,266 --> 00:17:54,033
walking all over the streets
and living in the parks.
334
00:17:54,066 --> 00:17:57,266
And then, who has
to deal with that problem?
335
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:59,133
Us.
336
00:17:59,166 --> 00:18:00,600
Smokers.
337
00:18:00,633 --> 00:18:03,166
[laughter, cheering]
338
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,734
Nobody spends more time
339
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:10,166
caring for
the mentally disturbed
340
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,867
than smokers 'cause while
you're all in here
341
00:18:12,900 --> 00:18:16,066
laughing your balls off
at some silly play
342
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:17,166
or break dancing,
343
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,734
or whatever you do
on a Saturday night,
344
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:20,834
we're out front,
345
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:23,800
like a salt lick
for the homeless.
346
00:18:26,066 --> 00:18:27,934
You're a stationary target.
347
00:18:27,967 --> 00:18:30,600
"Oh, here he comes.
348
00:18:30,633 --> 00:18:31,667
Hot-box it, honey.
349
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:33,333
Get a dollar for him.
350
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:35,767
Ah..."
351
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:40,533
It's not fair.
352
00:18:40,567 --> 00:18:46,266
We reserve the right
to refuse service to anyone.
353
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:49,100
Who's that sign apply to?
354
00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:51,266
Where do you enforce that?
355
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,967
With your negroes
356
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,400
or your homosexuals
357
00:18:55,433 --> 00:18:57,800
or your Muslims?
358
00:18:57,834 --> 00:19:00,166
You'd fucking get shut down
in a second.
359
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:05,000
That sign applies to crazies,
and crazies alone.
360
00:19:05,033 --> 00:19:07,033
You couldn't even do that
with a retarded kid.
361
00:19:07,066 --> 00:19:08,633
"Ma'am, your son,
362
00:19:08,667 --> 00:19:10,600
spilling the Cream of Wheat
out of his mouth,
363
00:19:10,633 --> 00:19:13,533
it's making people dry-heave."
364
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:16,533
No, just crazies
can you use that on.
365
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:18,033
And it's fucked up.
366
00:19:18,066 --> 00:19:22,300
"Hey, Benny Shit-Pants,
get off my coffee counter.
367
00:19:22,333 --> 00:19:23,700
You're stinking up the place,
368
00:19:23,734 --> 00:19:26,934
and the bees in your beard
are stinging my customers."
369
00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:33,233
You got to take care
of them equally.
370
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,967
The whole idea that parents
are no longer responsible
371
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,967
for their children
after a certain age
372
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,400
is such utter bullshit.
373
00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:47,667
You should be responsible
for your children
374
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:51,100
for the rest
of your natural life.
375
00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:54,300
That's--You did that.
376
00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:57,500
It's not--as soon as you
turn 18, it's not your fault?
377
00:19:57,533 --> 00:19:59,934
No, it's your fucking fault.
378
00:19:59,967 --> 00:20:02,400
Any time you make the decision
to have a child,
379
00:20:02,433 --> 00:20:04,967
you're taking a gigantic risk.
380
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,333
You have no idea
what kind of problem
381
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:12,033
is about to flop
out of your pink hole.
382
00:20:12,066 --> 00:20:15,734
So if you roll shitty dice
at that craps game,
383
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:18,033
society should not
be responsible
384
00:20:18,066 --> 00:20:21,033
for covering
your gambling losses.
385
00:20:21,066 --> 00:20:24,300
Pay your marker,
motherfucker,
386
00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:26,233
or the mob's
gonna take your thumbs.
387
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:28,433
You can't just do that.
388
00:20:28,467 --> 00:20:33,100
We all show up on this planet
389
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:37,867
in the same state
of confusion and terror.
390
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:40,900
It's like, if we all left
this building right now,
391
00:20:40,934 --> 00:20:44,266
just disappeared and reappeared
on another alien planet,
392
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:47,567
no memory of ever being here
or being a thing,
393
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,300
just all of a sudden,
you exist.
394
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:52,066
"What the fuck?"
395
00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:54,066
You got a couple
of basic instincts.
396
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,433
"I'm hungry.
397
00:20:55,467 --> 00:20:57,300
Throw food down this hole.
398
00:20:57,333 --> 00:20:58,567
And I'm cold.
399
00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,867
So wrap me up in something."
400
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:02,834
But other than that,
"What the fuck is going on?
401
00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:05,033
Anyone?"
402
00:21:05,066 --> 00:21:07,734
And there's other people
who showed up
403
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,367
just as fucked up
and confused as you are,
404
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,066
but they've been there longer,
405
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:15,400
so they could give you
a few hot tips.
406
00:21:15,433 --> 00:21:18,033
"Yeah, if it stinks,
don't step in it.
407
00:21:18,066 --> 00:21:22,333
And someone said eat kale
and that's good for you,
408
00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:24,367
and don't get
a LinkedIn profile,
409
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,600
'cause the spam is endless
and you'll never use it.
410
00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:27,900
But other than that,
411
00:21:27,934 --> 00:21:31,633
I don't really have
any answers for you."
412
00:21:31,667 --> 00:21:36,667
And then some of you sadists
take this to the next level,
413
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:39,667
where you say, let's pull
that same practical joke
414
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:44,467
on somebody else
who doesn't exit.
415
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:46,300
Fuck me in the front potato.
416
00:21:46,333 --> 00:21:49,867
We'll watch it fall out
all terrified and confused,
417
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:51,100
and we'll laugh at it
418
00:21:51,133 --> 00:21:54,033
for as long as that joke
stays fresh.
419
00:21:54,066 --> 00:21:56,433
And then we'll wait
till his knees are strong enough
420
00:21:56,467 --> 00:21:58,567
to hold up
his upper body weight,
421
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:03,867
and we'll make him work around
the house forever for nothing.
422
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:05,367
Sorry, black people,
423
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,433
you do not corner
that market on slavery.
424
00:22:08,467 --> 00:22:14,200
Every single one of us was born
into indentured servitude.
425
00:22:14,233 --> 00:22:16,000
"18 Years a Slave."
426
00:22:16,033 --> 00:22:19,100
Make that Oscar-winning
motion picture,
427
00:22:19,133 --> 00:22:22,166
"18 Years a Slave."
428
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,333
"You had me.
I used to be nothing.
429
00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:28,400
I didn't exist,
and I never had a bad day.
430
00:22:28,433 --> 00:22:31,834
Then you create me,
I come into this world.
431
00:22:31,867 --> 00:22:35,500
The next thing I know,
I'm doing yard work and dishes.
432
00:22:35,533 --> 00:22:36,600
I got chores."
433
00:22:36,633 --> 00:22:38,100
And then do your homework.
434
00:22:38,133 --> 00:22:40,867
And when your homework's done,
then you're grounded.
435
00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:44,500
"Fuck you, cunt that had me
without my consent.
436
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:47,567
I'm grounded?
437
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,133
I'm 13 years old.
438
00:22:49,166 --> 00:22:50,500
You know what I could do?
439
00:22:50,533 --> 00:22:54,967
I could make a dude too.
440
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:59,533
I know your law says 18,
but nature said 13.
441
00:22:59,567 --> 00:23:03,700
I could crank out a dude just
like you did that didn't exist,
442
00:23:03,734 --> 00:23:08,266
put him on your dime, and
he's gonna halve my work load."
443
00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:14,400
Sub-contract that piece of shit
out to rake leaves.
444
00:23:14,433 --> 00:23:17,700
But I didn't do that,
'cause I'm not a dick.
445
00:23:17,734 --> 00:23:19,467
But if my parents
were alive today,
446
00:23:19,500 --> 00:23:21,867
I would sue them into poverty,
447
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:25,300
just for having me
against my will.
448
00:23:25,333 --> 00:23:27,367
Set legal precedent.
449
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,233
They weren't bad people,
450
00:23:29,266 --> 00:23:32,033
but you made me out of nothing,
451
00:23:32,066 --> 00:23:35,400
then you kicked me out
when I was 18.
452
00:23:35,433 --> 00:23:37,433
Now I'm 48.
453
00:23:37,467 --> 00:23:38,734
I'm ugly, I'm drunk.
454
00:23:38,767 --> 00:23:42,500
I don't have a strong closer
for this special.
455
00:23:42,533 --> 00:23:45,433
And you're conveniently dead
before I can sue you.
456
00:23:45,467 --> 00:23:46,800
It's wrong.
457
00:23:51,133 --> 00:23:53,300
And I'm not even
crazy or retarded.
458
00:23:53,333 --> 00:23:55,066
I'm just un-amused
with the outcome
459
00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:58,967
of their poorly
thought-through prank.
460
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:02,834
"Not funny, lady."
461
00:24:02,867 --> 00:24:05,633
"Retarded" is, I know...
462
00:24:05,667 --> 00:24:09,300
unfashionable to use,
463
00:24:09,333 --> 00:24:12,166
but it's still in play
down here.
464
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,133
If you're visiting,
go down--
465
00:24:15,166 --> 00:24:17,166
The neighboring town,
Douglas, Arizona,
466
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,066
where they take care
of camp twos,
467
00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:21,767
still have their
big vintage sign:
468
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:27,567
Douglas Association
for Retarded Citizens, 1963.
469
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:28,934
It's beautiful.
470
00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:32,367
Any hipster would be proud
to have that in their man cave.
471
00:24:35,066 --> 00:24:37,300
But the thing
with the word "retarded" is,
472
00:24:37,333 --> 00:24:39,400
"retarded" is not
like other epithets.
473
00:24:39,433 --> 00:24:41,400
It was not a word of hatred.
474
00:24:41,433 --> 00:24:45,700
"Retarded" was
the medical definition.
475
00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:49,233
It was actually a word
born in sensitivity,
476
00:24:49,266 --> 00:24:51,200
'cause they used to call them--
477
00:24:51,233 --> 00:24:53,633
Before "retarded"
was the word,
478
00:24:53,667 --> 00:24:58,233
doctors would use
"imbecile" or "moron."
479
00:24:58,266 --> 00:25:00,300
This is something a smart fuck
at Harvard
480
00:25:00,333 --> 00:25:03,200
has labeled
the euphemism treadmill.
481
00:25:03,233 --> 00:25:08,100
"Moron" and "imbecile" were
the correct terms for a while,
482
00:25:08,133 --> 00:25:11,600
and what happened is,
we co-opted those words
483
00:25:11,633 --> 00:25:14,433
to call our friend
when he does something
484
00:25:14,467 --> 00:25:17,934
incredibly stupid,
485
00:25:17,967 --> 00:25:20,700
to the point
where it became an insult.
486
00:25:20,734 --> 00:25:22,467
So, out of sensitivity,
487
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:26,734
they changed the word
to "retarded."
488
00:25:26,767 --> 00:25:30,600
And what happened was
489
00:25:30,633 --> 00:25:33,533
we co-opted that word
to call our friend
490
00:25:33,567 --> 00:25:37,433
when he does something
incredibly stupid.
491
00:25:37,467 --> 00:25:40,266
So you can keep
changing the word,
492
00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:43,133
and if you make
the new one stick,
493
00:25:43,166 --> 00:25:45,033
that's what I'm gonna
call my friend.
494
00:25:45,066 --> 00:25:48,367
"Did you just put
a metal plate in a microwave?
495
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,734
What are you,
developmentally disabled?
496
00:25:50,767 --> 00:25:55,233
You don't fucking put
a metal plate in a microwave.
497
00:25:55,266 --> 00:25:57,734
Who doesn't know that?"
498
00:25:57,767 --> 00:26:00,166
You can make it
as difficult to pronounce
499
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:03,500
and Latin-based
and medical-rooted,
500
00:26:03,533 --> 00:26:05,300
and if you make it stick,
501
00:26:05,333 --> 00:26:07,367
that's the new word
I'm gonna call my friend
502
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:11,200
when he trips
over his own shoelaces.
503
00:26:11,233 --> 00:26:12,834
"Ha-ha!
504
00:26:12,867 --> 00:26:18,233
You just exhibited some
of the atlantoaxial instability
505
00:26:18,266 --> 00:26:20,200
that is usually associated
506
00:26:20,233 --> 00:26:23,934
with a trisomy 21
genetic imbalance.
507
00:26:23,967 --> 00:26:26,667
Oh, you fucking loser."
508
00:26:26,700 --> 00:26:29,300
[cheers and applause]
509
00:26:29,333 --> 00:26:32,734
Ha-ha.
510
00:26:32,767 --> 00:26:35,467
And you still have some blogger
511
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:39,734
or a Susan Blackford
in the back of the room going,
512
00:26:39,767 --> 00:26:42,300
[high-pitched voice]
"That's not funny.
513
00:26:42,333 --> 00:26:45,433
Letter to the editor:
514
00:26:45,467 --> 00:26:49,767
My son was born
with the trisomy 21
515
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,767
chromosomal imbalance.
516
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,500
And if you ever had to raise
a child in such a condition,
517
00:26:55,533 --> 00:26:57,967
you would show
more sensitivity
518
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,367
and not use that kind of word,
mocking--"
519
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:02,467
[normal voice]
This is where she's being
520
00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:05,266
thrown out by Chad Shank
in my imagination.
521
00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:07,066
[muffled shouting]
522
00:27:07,100 --> 00:27:10,033
[cheers and applause]
523
00:27:20,066 --> 00:27:22,033
You have to take care
of your crazy people.
524
00:27:22,066 --> 00:27:24,266
That's the whole point
of this.
525
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,233
And they don't here.
526
00:27:29,266 --> 00:27:32,700
I don't know if--
527
00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:36,400
Bingo, my girlfriend
that you know,
528
00:27:36,433 --> 00:27:41,500
she's mentally ill,
camp one, mostly.
529
00:27:41,533 --> 00:27:43,900
Shows signs of camp two
here and again.
530
00:27:43,934 --> 00:27:45,433
But, yeah, she--
531
00:27:45,467 --> 00:27:50,433
Bipolar schizoaffective
is her diagnosis.
532
00:27:50,467 --> 00:27:51,767
Do we have--
and I'm not trying
533
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:54,533
to open up the floor
for open mic--
534
00:27:54,567 --> 00:27:58,433
but are there any, like,
legitimately diagnosed,
535
00:27:58,467 --> 00:28:01,233
medicated crazy here tonight?
[scattered cheers]
536
00:28:01,266 --> 00:28:04,066
Labeled?
What's your label?
537
00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:06,333
- Clinically depressed.
- Clinically depressed.
538
00:28:06,367 --> 00:28:08,333
- Bipolar.
- Bipolar.
539
00:28:08,367 --> 00:28:12,667
- Canadian.
- [laughs] Canadian, see?
540
00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:14,433
[cheers and applause]
541
00:28:14,467 --> 00:28:18,333
That kind of proves my point.
542
00:28:18,367 --> 00:28:20,834
See, if I was asking
if anyone--
543
00:28:20,867 --> 00:28:24,166
If I said, "My girlfriend
is surviving cancer;
544
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:29,033
has anyone else had cancer?"
545
00:28:29,066 --> 00:28:30,467
Fucking disease.
546
00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:33,400
You wouldn't go,
"My wife's a cancer!
547
00:28:33,433 --> 00:28:35,567
Ha-ha!"
548
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,533
I'm saying, you can shit
all over crazy people,
549
00:28:38,567 --> 00:28:40,333
where retards are sacrosanct.
550
00:28:40,367 --> 00:28:42,300
They're both mentally ill!
551
00:28:42,333 --> 00:28:45,333
Think you just kind of
proved my point.
552
00:28:45,367 --> 00:28:46,667
You can't even say--
553
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:49,266
Crazy people, you can call them
whatever you want.
554
00:28:49,300 --> 00:28:53,400
Fucking lunatic, psycho,
nut-job, whacko.
555
00:28:53,433 --> 00:28:56,934
You drop a tard-bomb
in mixed company,
556
00:28:56,967 --> 00:28:59,133
ooh, you better
pick up the check
557
00:28:59,166 --> 00:29:01,600
at that company luncheon.
558
00:29:04,633 --> 00:29:05,900
Thank you
for making my point.
559
00:29:05,934 --> 00:29:10,567
Clinically depressed,
you might just be correct.
560
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:12,166
Bipolar, welcome to town.
561
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,400
I hope you're not here
seeking treatment,
562
00:29:14,433 --> 00:29:16,700
'cause Arizona--
563
00:29:16,734 --> 00:29:18,333
Arizona is kind of notorious
564
00:29:18,367 --> 00:29:21,667
for not taking care
of mentally ill people.
565
00:29:21,700 --> 00:29:24,367
Well...
566
00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:26,100
Jared Loughner.
567
00:29:26,133 --> 00:29:28,900
Few years ago,
for people who are watching this
568
00:29:28,934 --> 00:29:31,800
if it ever gets released,
569
00:29:31,834 --> 00:29:33,900
Jared Loughner
was one of our camp one
570
00:29:33,934 --> 00:29:35,667
mentally disturbed people,
571
00:29:35,700 --> 00:29:38,367
and he thought the government
was playing with his head,
572
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,066
and he had all sorts
of weird theories.
573
00:29:40,100 --> 00:29:41,200
And he had to take it out
574
00:29:41,233 --> 00:29:43,800
by going down
to the Safeway in Tucson,
575
00:29:43,834 --> 00:29:46,800
and he killed, I think,
seven people or nine people,
576
00:29:46,834 --> 00:29:49,600
and he shot our congresswoman,
Gabrielle Giffords.
577
00:29:49,633 --> 00:29:53,367
Shot her right
in the fucking bean--whap!
578
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:56,467
And she survived.
579
00:29:56,500 --> 00:30:00,100
Sort of.
580
00:30:00,133 --> 00:30:02,867
She walks among us, but...
581
00:30:05,567 --> 00:30:07,100
No, this is the good part,
582
00:30:07,133 --> 00:30:11,567
is, one of our mentally
disturbed people
583
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:15,767
shot our congresswoman
directly into camp two.
584
00:30:17,567 --> 00:30:21,266
She's straight-up
retarded now.
585
00:30:21,300 --> 00:30:25,200
She lived,
much to her husband's chagrin.
586
00:30:25,233 --> 00:30:27,734
She did manage
to pull through.
587
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,667
Wait--if you don't know
the story,
588
00:30:34,700 --> 00:30:37,266
it might be a little touchy
for the locals,
589
00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:41,667
but her husband
was an astronaut,
590
00:30:41,700 --> 00:30:45,133
and after she got shot
mentally retarded,
591
00:30:45,166 --> 00:30:47,533
she's still in
a rehabilitation facility
592
00:30:47,567 --> 00:30:50,600
when he had to take
his last space mission.
593
00:30:50,633 --> 00:30:53,900
And you know he was hoping
to get lost up there,
594
00:30:53,934 --> 00:30:57,200
like George Clooney
in "Gravity."
595
00:30:57,233 --> 00:30:58,333
"She's gonna live.
596
00:30:58,367 --> 00:30:59,367
I can't fucking--
597
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,900
Put me on the leakiest rocket
598
00:31:01,934 --> 00:31:04,033
with the worst
maintenance record
599
00:31:04,066 --> 00:31:08,800
and shoot me
the fuck out of here."
600
00:31:08,834 --> 00:31:14,200
♪ This is Major Tom
to ground control ♪
601
00:31:14,233 --> 00:31:19,333
♪ Is my wife still
shot retarded? ♪
602
00:31:19,367 --> 00:31:21,133
♪ Is she still making ♪
603
00:31:21,166 --> 00:31:26,200
♪ Those awkward
personal appearances ♪
604
00:31:26,233 --> 00:31:27,567
♪ Where she gives a speech ♪
605
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:34,200
♪ But no one knows what the fuck
she just said? ♪
606
00:31:34,233 --> 00:31:36,834
This is only okay
to laugh at,
607
00:31:36,867 --> 00:31:41,000
if you need a reason
for it to be okay,
608
00:31:41,033 --> 00:31:44,233
is because, at the time
that Jared Loughner,
609
00:31:44,266 --> 00:31:48,800
mentally disturbed,
shot our congresswoman...
610
00:31:48,834 --> 00:31:50,633
mentally challenged,
611
00:31:50,667 --> 00:31:52,967
we ranked 49th
612
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:54,967
in mental health care
613
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:59,200
under her watch
as a congresswoman.
614
00:31:59,233 --> 00:32:02,033
That's out of 50,
for a lot of my fans.
615
00:32:02,066 --> 00:32:03,734
It's not very good.
616
00:32:03,767 --> 00:32:05,166
That's your job.
617
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,100
That's not so much tragic,
618
00:32:07,133 --> 00:32:08,934
as that's some instant karma's
619
00:32:08,967 --> 00:32:11,400
about to catch you
right in the grape, Gabby.
620
00:32:11,433 --> 00:32:14,200
Boom, bow.
621
00:32:14,233 --> 00:32:18,000
Should have chucked some of that
retard money crazy's way.
622
00:32:20,367 --> 00:32:25,133
Crazies don't have a big 1963
vintage sign out on the highway.
623
00:32:25,166 --> 00:32:28,700
If you want to drive by on
your way out of town tomorrow,
624
00:32:28,734 --> 00:32:31,433
drive past where Bingo
gets mental health care.
625
00:32:31,467 --> 00:32:33,367
It's in a U-shaped strip mall
626
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:36,700
on the outskirts of town
on Highway 92.
627
00:32:36,734 --> 00:32:38,533
On this side of the U
628
00:32:38,567 --> 00:32:41,767
is the Second Amendment
Gun Shop,
629
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:45,633
in the middle of the U is
the Beast Brewery,
630
00:32:45,667 --> 00:32:50,767
and on her end is Community
Intervention Associates,
631
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,800
with the acronym blown up
on the door,
632
00:32:53,834 --> 00:32:56,500
where you do not get to see
a doctor.
633
00:32:56,533 --> 00:33:00,233
You see a registered nurse
via Skype.
634
00:33:00,266 --> 00:33:02,400
[audience groans]
635
00:33:02,433 --> 00:33:04,200
A woman that I was actually
in the room
636
00:33:04,233 --> 00:33:05,800
when she said to Bingo,
637
00:33:05,834 --> 00:33:08,967
"Next time you feel
like cutting yourself,
638
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,834
try doing something
positive instead,
639
00:33:11,867 --> 00:33:16,100
like get a new hair style
or a manicure."
640
00:33:16,133 --> 00:33:19,767
[laughter, groaning]
641
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:22,133
It's fucking actual quote.
642
00:33:22,166 --> 00:33:23,533
- Jesus!
643
00:33:25,500 --> 00:33:28,934
- So if you have
a mental health issue,
644
00:33:28,967 --> 00:33:30,633
like a Jared Loughner,
645
00:33:30,667 --> 00:33:33,700
and you think, oh, you get
the shortwave radio
646
00:33:33,734 --> 00:33:35,200
is playing in your head,
647
00:33:35,233 --> 00:33:36,734
and the plastic bags
648
00:33:36,767 --> 00:33:39,567
are floating around your brain
like "Poltergeist,"
649
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,133
and you want
to do the bad, bad thing,
650
00:33:42,166 --> 00:33:43,934
and you're loading a clip,
651
00:33:43,967 --> 00:33:48,266
and that last rational synapse
is telling you,
652
00:33:48,300 --> 00:33:51,533
"Maybe you should see
some mental health care first,"
653
00:33:51,567 --> 00:33:53,734
in order to get
that health care,
654
00:33:53,767 --> 00:33:57,333
you would have to stroll
past the gun shop,
655
00:33:57,367 --> 00:33:59,800
then past the bar,
656
00:33:59,834 --> 00:34:02,367
walk through
a tinted glass door
657
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:05,367
marked "CIA,"
658
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:08,300
for Community
Intervention Associates,
659
00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:11,033
where you talk
to a television set
660
00:34:11,066 --> 00:34:14,967
that's talking back to you.
661
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,300
And you wonder why
people die
662
00:34:18,333 --> 00:34:23,333
in hails
of gunfire in America.
663
00:34:23,367 --> 00:34:24,967
It ain't ISIS.
664
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,967
[cheers and applause]
665
00:34:34,367 --> 00:34:36,800
You know what I was thinking,
Alex, if you can hear me, is,
666
00:34:36,834 --> 00:34:40,867
I would love to hear
the second-hand review
667
00:34:40,900 --> 00:34:42,333
of this show
668
00:34:42,367 --> 00:34:46,467
from Sheri, the checker
at Safeway in lane 4,
669
00:34:46,500 --> 00:34:48,066
the town gossip,
670
00:34:48,100 --> 00:34:49,233
who just hears about it
671
00:34:49,266 --> 00:34:52,100
and then tells everyone else
what she heard.
672
00:34:52,133 --> 00:34:54,467
"And then I heard
it was like $50,
673
00:34:54,500 --> 00:34:58,100
and it sold out
in six minutes,
674
00:34:58,133 --> 00:35:00,934
and all he talked about
was retarded people
675
00:35:00,967 --> 00:35:02,467
beheading Gabby Giffords,
676
00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:06,900
and I--
I would never pay that."
677
00:35:06,934 --> 00:35:08,700
I'm in a hurry, Sheri.
678
00:35:08,734 --> 00:35:11,633
If you go to Safeway,
don't go to fucking aisle 4,
679
00:35:11,667 --> 00:35:15,333
lane 4, she just--
680
00:35:15,367 --> 00:35:18,533
She's the TMZ of Bisbee.
681
00:35:18,567 --> 00:35:20,533
I'm just trying to buy
two fucking things,
682
00:35:20,567 --> 00:35:23,333
and she's got to tell you all
the gossip you don't care about,
683
00:35:23,367 --> 00:35:26,233
as though she was already
talking when you got there.
684
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,533
That was a cheese-dick segue
into a good TMZ joke.
685
00:35:37,500 --> 00:35:41,133
TMZ, it's fucking
celebrity gossip shit.
686
00:35:41,166 --> 00:35:44,934
But now they're being cited
as a legitimate news source.
687
00:35:44,967 --> 00:35:48,567
CNN will go,
"And TMZ has just released..."
688
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:49,834
That's a fucking--
689
00:35:49,867 --> 00:35:51,333
That's like saying,
"Breaking news
690
00:35:51,367 --> 00:35:55,233
from your gossipy Aunt Nancy,
this just in."
691
00:35:55,266 --> 00:35:57,700
This fucking--
TMZ, the guy that runs it--
692
00:35:57,734 --> 00:35:59,000
They have a TV show as well.
693
00:35:59,033 --> 00:36:01,967
The guy that runs it,
his name is Harvey Levin.
694
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:06,834
He's this fake-tanned,
greasy, smarmy--
695
00:36:06,867 --> 00:36:09,900
He's the Fagin
of celebrity gossip,
696
00:36:09,934 --> 00:36:11,934
where they don't even
do any legwork.
697
00:36:11,967 --> 00:36:14,000
They just count on you,
the public.
698
00:36:14,033 --> 00:36:15,700
"Any time you see a celebrity,
699
00:36:15,734 --> 00:36:18,266
just film him
with your cell phone
700
00:36:18,300 --> 00:36:20,967
until he breaks
and flips you off,
701
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,433
and then we're gonna
run that footage."
702
00:36:23,467 --> 00:36:24,433
"Uh!
703
00:36:24,467 --> 00:36:26,033
Hey, Justin Timberlake,
704
00:36:26,066 --> 00:36:28,433
uh, what are you doing?
705
00:36:28,467 --> 00:36:29,433
Where you going?
706
00:36:29,467 --> 00:36:31,000
You going to the gym?
707
00:36:31,033 --> 00:36:33,600
You're in front of the gym
with a gym bag.
708
00:36:33,633 --> 00:36:36,367
Were you gonna use
a Stairmaster?
709
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:38,467
What are you--
Justin Timberlake!"
710
00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:40,834
And finally, "Fuck you."
711
00:36:40,867 --> 00:36:43,633
"This just in, hey,
looks like Justin Timberlake
712
00:36:43,667 --> 00:36:47,433
doesn't appreciate his fans;
I'm a smarmy cunt."
713
00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:54,433
If the Nazis only committed
all of those atrocities
714
00:36:54,467 --> 00:36:56,834
because they had some prescience
715
00:36:56,867 --> 00:37:00,367
and they were trying
to prevent Harvey Levin
716
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:05,200
from one day existing
on this planet,
717
00:37:05,233 --> 00:37:09,200
even a lot of Jews would have
to write off the Holocaust
718
00:37:09,233 --> 00:37:12,400
as collateral damage.
719
00:37:12,433 --> 00:37:16,200
And that is factual.
720
00:37:16,233 --> 00:37:22,700
It was for the--
it was for the greater good.
721
00:37:22,734 --> 00:37:25,166
Don't worry, I'll be apologizing
for that joke
722
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,934
tomorrow at noon
at a press conference.
723
00:37:34,133 --> 00:37:36,667
It will be attended
by absolutely no one.
724
00:37:36,700 --> 00:37:40,100
I just one day wish
I would have to do that,
725
00:37:40,133 --> 00:37:41,800
or even be asked to do that.
726
00:37:41,834 --> 00:37:43,033
Every fucking week,
727
00:37:43,066 --> 00:37:46,433
there's some celebrity or comic
or an athlete
728
00:37:46,467 --> 00:37:49,100
that has to apologize
729
00:37:49,133 --> 00:37:52,467
for a--you know,
a caught-on-tape comment
730
00:37:52,500 --> 00:37:57,233
or insensitive joke,
a drunk tweet.
731
00:37:57,266 --> 00:37:59,967
And they have
a press conference.
732
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,367
And it's always something
that's way weaker
733
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,066
than the shit
I say every night.
734
00:38:04,100 --> 00:38:06,400
As a segue,
I say worse shit.
735
00:38:06,433 --> 00:38:09,133
No one ever asked me
to apologize.
736
00:38:09,166 --> 00:38:12,133
I wouldn't,
but I want to be asked one time.
737
00:38:12,166 --> 00:38:15,300
I got way better shit
than they do.
738
00:38:15,333 --> 00:38:16,734
I demand outrage.
739
00:38:16,767 --> 00:38:19,367
For God's sakes,
what do I have to do?
740
00:38:21,834 --> 00:38:23,433
I could have told that joke
741
00:38:23,467 --> 00:38:26,734
at the Simon Wiesenthal
Museum of Tolerance,
742
00:38:26,767 --> 00:38:28,300
and people would go,
"What'd he say?
743
00:38:28,333 --> 00:38:31,000
I wasn't listening."
744
00:38:31,033 --> 00:38:32,767
I could--I could--
745
00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:36,300
I could finger-fuck
all the Duggar daughters
746
00:38:36,333 --> 00:38:40,467
as a closing bit to this set.
747
00:38:40,500 --> 00:38:41,667
If you don't know the Duggars,
748
00:38:41,700 --> 00:38:44,000
just imagine
an American reality show
749
00:38:44,033 --> 00:38:46,867
of a Christian family
with 18 children,
750
00:38:46,900 --> 00:38:48,734
and it turns out
the older brother
751
00:38:48,767 --> 00:38:51,300
was fidgeting
all the little tiny gir--
752
00:38:51,333 --> 00:38:52,800
You don't even
have to know that.
753
00:38:52,834 --> 00:38:55,100
Imagine me,
as a closing bit,
754
00:38:55,133 --> 00:38:58,600
with three tiny towheaded
blonde girls,
755
00:38:58,633 --> 00:39:02,133
like a ventriloquist act,
finger puppets.
756
00:39:02,166 --> 00:39:03,567
S'all right?
S'all right.
757
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:06,600
S'all right?
S'all right.
758
00:39:06,633 --> 00:39:07,734
Still wouldn't--
759
00:39:07,767 --> 00:39:10,667
I could play
all the Duggar girls'
760
00:39:10,700 --> 00:39:14,100
little tiny vaginas
like wine glasses
761
00:39:14,133 --> 00:39:17,633
on "America's Got Talent."
762
00:39:17,667 --> 00:39:18,633
[to tune of
"Mary Had A Little Lamb]
763
00:39:18,667 --> 00:39:19,667
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
764
00:39:19,700 --> 00:39:21,300
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
765
00:39:21,333 --> 00:39:23,100
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
766
00:39:23,133 --> 00:39:28,066
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
767
00:39:28,100 --> 00:39:31,700
Still wouldn't get any press.
768
00:39:31,734 --> 00:39:33,467
I could commit suicide,
769
00:39:33,500 --> 00:39:36,834
hanging myself
with a belt off a doorknob
770
00:39:36,867 --> 00:39:38,533
like Robin Williams.
771
00:39:38,567 --> 00:39:40,800
I wouldn't even make
the local police beat
772
00:39:40,834 --> 00:39:47,400
on the back page
of the "Bisbee Observer."
773
00:39:47,433 --> 00:39:48,800
I don't know
if that's a good thing.
774
00:39:48,834 --> 00:39:51,567
Maybe it's good
that no one notices.
775
00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:55,900
No one from TMZ
is following me around.
776
00:39:55,934 --> 00:40:01,467
I'm only famous
within 100 feet of my show
777
00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:03,000
on the night of the show
778
00:40:03,033 --> 00:40:05,266
for a half an hour
before and after.
779
00:40:05,300 --> 00:40:07,567
And other than that...
780
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:10,533
[cheers and applause]
781
00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:15,033
If you don't know this,
782
00:40:15,066 --> 00:40:17,333
Robin Williams--
783
00:40:17,367 --> 00:40:20,467
I did an episode
of this show "Louie,"
784
00:40:20,500 --> 00:40:22,066
on FX or whatever it's on.
785
00:40:22,100 --> 00:40:23,734
[cheers and applause]
786
00:40:23,767 --> 00:40:27,667
Thank you for stealing that
online as well.
787
00:40:27,700 --> 00:40:30,567
Yeah, I played a washed-up,
788
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:33,033
alcoholic, bag of shit,
789
00:40:33,066 --> 00:40:36,633
loser,
suicidal comedian,
790
00:40:36,667 --> 00:40:38,800
which took months of training.
791
00:40:38,834 --> 00:40:42,000
I had different acting coaches.
792
00:40:42,033 --> 00:40:44,300
I had to find a guy
that fit the bill
793
00:40:44,333 --> 00:40:45,900
and do ride-alongs with him
794
00:40:45,934 --> 00:40:49,500
to find out
what makes him tick,
795
00:40:49,533 --> 00:40:50,800
to really nail the character.
796
00:40:50,834 --> 00:40:52,367
But after it aired,
797
00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:55,500
Robin Williams
sent an e-mail to Louis
798
00:40:55,533 --> 00:40:58,100
that he forwarded to me
so I could read the compliment.
799
00:40:58,133 --> 00:41:01,800
Robin Williams wrote that the
"Doug Stanhope episode
800
00:41:01,834 --> 00:41:04,633
of 'Louie' was
the most powerful dialogue
801
00:41:04,667 --> 00:41:07,800
I have ever seen
on the subject of suicide."
802
00:41:07,834 --> 00:41:08,967
Which, you know, hey--
803
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:10,800
[cheers and applause]
804
00:41:10,834 --> 00:41:13,166
That's nice.
805
00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:15,400
Pat on the back.
806
00:41:15,433 --> 00:41:19,000
It made me think, perhaps,
807
00:41:19,033 --> 00:41:22,633
even the lowly rated
Doug Stanhope
808
00:41:22,667 --> 00:41:28,300
might have influenced
the great Robin Williams
809
00:41:28,333 --> 00:41:31,367
in the last days
of his career.
810
00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:34,100
Maybe I am reaching people.
811
00:41:34,133 --> 00:41:37,066
[cheers and applause]
812
00:41:38,433 --> 00:41:39,633
I have a big head,
813
00:41:39,667 --> 00:41:44,467
but I can find small hooks
on which to hang my hat.
814
00:41:47,266 --> 00:41:51,433
Same way I like to believe
that I influence Michael Sam,
815
00:41:51,467 --> 00:41:55,100
the first openly gay NFL player
816
00:41:55,133 --> 00:41:58,400
to come out of the closet.
817
00:41:58,433 --> 00:42:00,266
If you saw my last special,
818
00:42:00,300 --> 00:42:02,500
I closed my last special
819
00:42:02,533 --> 00:42:07,066
with about a seven-minute,
gratuitous, graphic,
820
00:42:07,100 --> 00:42:12,066
detailed depiction
of interracial gay man rape
821
00:42:12,100 --> 00:42:16,633
on an NFL field
during a live game.
822
00:42:16,667 --> 00:42:18,433
And right after that came out,
823
00:42:18,467 --> 00:42:21,700
first gay NFL player
comes out of the closet.
824
00:42:21,734 --> 00:42:24,266
I like to believe
that he wasn't even gay
825
00:42:24,300 --> 00:42:27,066
until he saw my special,
826
00:42:27,100 --> 00:42:30,834
and I made it sound
so appealing,
827
00:42:30,867 --> 00:42:35,166
that he jumped at the chance.
828
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:38,734
Now we got
a gay baseball player,
829
00:42:38,767 --> 00:42:42,066
minor leaguer for the
Milwaukee Brewers organization.
830
00:42:42,100 --> 00:42:45,000
We had a gay basketball player,
Jason Campbell.
831
00:42:45,033 --> 00:42:47,133
I might have
fucked up his name.
832
00:42:47,166 --> 00:42:49,734
And it's all great.
833
00:42:49,767 --> 00:42:52,600
Every time an athlete
834
00:42:52,633 --> 00:42:55,033
comes out of the closet--
835
00:42:55,066 --> 00:42:56,967
if it's,
like, a manly sport--
836
00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,500
if you're a skater, you'd
have to come out as straight.
837
00:43:00,533 --> 00:43:04,266
But, like, yeah,
with the football player,
838
00:43:04,300 --> 00:43:08,166
it always boils down
to this weird hypothetical
839
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:12,200
locker room scenario that the
"SportsCenter" guys bring up.
840
00:43:12,233 --> 00:43:14,734
"All right,
level with me, Tony.
841
00:43:14,767 --> 00:43:17,567
How are you gonna feel
if you're in the locker room
842
00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:18,967
with an openly gay athlete.
843
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:20,133
Tell me the truth.
844
00:43:20,166 --> 00:43:21,834
Are you gonna feel okay
with that,
845
00:43:21,867 --> 00:43:25,900
when you're in the showers
with a man who's openly gay?
846
00:43:25,934 --> 00:43:28,066
Is that gonna be good?
Can you maintain?
847
00:43:28,100 --> 00:43:29,934
Is the teamwork--blah-blah."
848
00:43:36,166 --> 00:43:39,433
I'm trying to profile
for anyone with a job.
849
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:44,467
Does anyone--
what do you have for a job?
850
00:43:44,500 --> 00:43:47,367
Just make something up
if you don't.
851
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:49,300
Property manager.
852
00:43:49,333 --> 00:43:52,667
How would you feel,
honestly,
853
00:43:52,700 --> 00:43:55,433
if, at the end of the day
of fucking, you know,
854
00:43:55,467 --> 00:43:57,934
kicking out deadbeats,
or whatever you do,
855
00:43:57,967 --> 00:44:00,433
and you get back to the office,
856
00:44:00,467 --> 00:44:02,467
and you're griping about--
857
00:44:02,500 --> 00:44:04,300
And then you get
into the showers
858
00:44:04,333 --> 00:44:08,000
with the other
property managers,
859
00:44:08,033 --> 00:44:11,700
knowing that one of them
is an open homosexual.
860
00:44:11,734 --> 00:44:16,633
Are you gonna feel like you're
being sexualized in the shower?
861
00:44:16,667 --> 00:44:19,533
My point is,
what other occupation
862
00:44:19,567 --> 00:44:23,633
on the face
of Western civilized society
863
00:44:23,667 --> 00:44:26,400
do people shower together,
864
00:44:26,433 --> 00:44:29,400
and that's not
the first question,
865
00:44:29,433 --> 00:44:33,200
if not the only question?
866
00:44:33,233 --> 00:44:35,967
Why are we showering together?
867
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:40,100
Fucking, you're selling cars,
your first day.
868
00:44:40,133 --> 00:44:43,667
"You have a real knack
for this, Nicky.
869
00:44:43,700 --> 00:44:45,266
You got good instincts.
870
00:44:45,300 --> 00:44:48,700
Hit the showers, and we're gonna
see you on Monday."
871
00:44:48,734 --> 00:44:51,667
"Showers?"
872
00:44:51,700 --> 00:44:54,500
And these are multimillionaires.
873
00:44:54,533 --> 00:44:56,700
These are professional athletes
874
00:44:56,734 --> 00:45:00,867
with money spilling
out of every orifice.
875
00:45:00,900 --> 00:45:02,433
You could not write--
876
00:45:02,467 --> 00:45:03,967
You have a private jet.
877
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:06,333
You couldn't get
a private shower?
878
00:45:06,367 --> 00:45:08,967
Your agent couldn't write that
into your rider
879
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:11,500
in your signing bonus?
880
00:45:11,533 --> 00:45:15,567
Do you take dumps together too?
881
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:16,800
You had a bad game.
882
00:45:16,834 --> 00:45:19,266
The coach makes you line up
in a trough.
883
00:45:19,300 --> 00:45:22,734
"All right, I saw
no teamwork out there.
884
00:45:22,767 --> 00:45:25,266
We have no defense.
885
00:45:25,300 --> 00:45:27,834
Everyone, shit in a trough.
886
00:45:27,867 --> 00:45:29,800
You line up
and shit in a trough,
887
00:45:29,834 --> 00:45:32,100
and you wipe the guy
to your left,
888
00:45:32,133 --> 00:45:37,600
till I see more team-building."
889
00:45:37,633 --> 00:45:39,734
"All right,
I'll wipe him, coach,
890
00:45:39,767 --> 00:45:41,100
but if he gets a boner,
891
00:45:41,133 --> 00:45:45,200
I'm gonna kick the shit
out of him."
892
00:45:45,233 --> 00:45:46,600
Playing on no team--
893
00:45:46,633 --> 00:45:50,000
Gay--gay porn stars.
894
00:45:50,033 --> 00:45:52,800
When gay porn stars
get done a long day
895
00:45:52,834 --> 00:45:55,967
of gay porning around
on the set,
896
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:59,533
they shower alone.
897
00:45:59,567 --> 00:46:02,500
They're not animals.
898
00:46:02,533 --> 00:46:08,166
So I say this to you,
professional athlete person.
899
00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:14,367
Try to raise your standards up
to that of gay porn stars
900
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:18,800
before you start worrying
about someone's sexuality.
901
00:46:18,834 --> 00:46:21,767
[cheers and applause]
902
00:46:26,633 --> 00:46:29,667
I came out of the closet on my
last special, if you saw it.
903
00:46:29,700 --> 00:46:32,433
And you know what?
904
00:46:32,467 --> 00:46:36,033
I was not embraced
by the gay community.
905
00:46:38,767 --> 00:46:43,367
It's almost like they thought
I was lying,
906
00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:45,967
like they thought
I was making it up.
907
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:49,967
But that's passé anyway.
908
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,533
So now I'm gonna tell you
the real truth, all right?
909
00:46:52,567 --> 00:46:53,767
You're in my hometown.
910
00:46:53,800 --> 00:46:56,367
This is what
a lot of people don't know.
911
00:46:56,400 --> 00:47:00,934
I'm transgendered.
912
00:47:00,967 --> 00:47:03,300
Not just 'cause
it's the hip thing to be now.
913
00:47:03,333 --> 00:47:04,633
It's really what I am
914
00:47:04,667 --> 00:47:07,233
and I've been hiding this
from you for so long,
915
00:47:07,266 --> 00:47:10,300
and I feel so free now.
916
00:47:10,333 --> 00:47:12,767
I'm transgendered,
which, if you don't know,
917
00:47:12,800 --> 00:47:15,700
that means I identify
as a woman.
918
00:47:15,734 --> 00:47:18,567
I was born into a man's body,
919
00:47:18,600 --> 00:47:22,734
but I was born a woman...
920
00:47:22,767 --> 00:47:26,533
as far as I'm concerned.
921
00:47:26,567 --> 00:47:32,033
I just happen to be
a slovenly, pig, skank woman
922
00:47:32,066 --> 00:47:33,633
that doesn't take care
of herself.
923
00:47:33,667 --> 00:47:35,600
I'm a woman
that let myself go,
924
00:47:35,633 --> 00:47:38,300
but I'm okay with that.
925
00:47:38,333 --> 00:47:40,800
I'm not some Goddamn
beauty queen.
926
00:47:40,834 --> 00:47:43,867
I don't shave body parts.
927
00:47:43,900 --> 00:47:46,300
I don't wear makeup;
I couldn't.
928
00:47:46,333 --> 00:47:49,600
I laugh so hard--
crying laughing
929
00:47:49,633 --> 00:47:52,166
at a loud, ripping fart,
930
00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:54,000
that it would make
my mascara
931
00:47:54,033 --> 00:47:55,934
run all the way down
my face,
932
00:47:55,967 --> 00:47:57,600
'cause that's the kind
of girl I am.
933
00:47:57,633 --> 00:48:01,400
I'm a daddy's girl.
934
00:48:01,433 --> 00:48:04,133
We're not all Caitlyn Jenner.
935
00:48:04,166 --> 00:48:05,667
I'm an individual.
936
00:48:05,700 --> 00:48:09,934
Caitlyn, she's in a ball gown
on the cover of "Vanity Fair."
937
00:48:09,967 --> 00:48:12,100
Go, girl.
I'm just not that same--
938
00:48:12,133 --> 00:48:13,967
The only modeling I ever did,
939
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:17,433
is, I did model my teeth
for warning labels
940
00:48:17,467 --> 00:48:19,533
on packages
of Canadian cigarettes.
941
00:48:19,567 --> 00:48:21,867
I did that.
942
00:48:21,900 --> 00:48:24,166
And that was enough
of the spotlight for me.
943
00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:25,900
I didn't need anything more.
944
00:48:25,934 --> 00:48:29,333
I'm the kind of girl
that watches beheading videos
945
00:48:29,367 --> 00:48:32,066
and reviews them on Yelp.
946
00:48:32,100 --> 00:48:35,734
If I destroy a bathroom,
I'll try to trick you into it
947
00:48:35,767 --> 00:48:37,900
by saying there's a spider
in the tub,
948
00:48:37,934 --> 00:48:41,100
and then
I'll jam the door shut.
949
00:48:41,133 --> 00:48:45,200
I'm just a rustic,
tomboy, kind of gal.
950
00:48:45,233 --> 00:48:48,800
And if you cannot accept me
for the woman that I am,
951
00:48:48,834 --> 00:48:52,367
then you can suck my dick
and juggle my balls,
952
00:48:52,400 --> 00:48:55,500
because you're intolerant.
953
00:48:55,533 --> 00:48:57,166
[cheers and applause]
954
00:48:57,200 --> 00:49:02,100
What is it in you
that makes you so uncomfortable
955
00:49:02,133 --> 00:49:04,367
around a strong woman
like me?
956
00:49:08,667 --> 00:49:10,433
And, no, I'm not
getting the surgery.
957
00:49:10,467 --> 00:49:12,533
That's all your
follow-up questions,
958
00:49:12,567 --> 00:49:15,266
with your minds in the gutter.
959
00:49:15,300 --> 00:49:17,767
"Are you gonna have
the surgery, Doug?"
960
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:19,767
'Cause that's
my chick name, too--Doug.
961
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:23,667
I'm not very creative.
962
00:49:23,700 --> 00:49:26,700
Not getting the surgery,
'cause balls are hilarious,
963
00:49:26,734 --> 00:49:28,400
and I'm not gonna lose that.
964
00:49:28,433 --> 00:49:31,400
Why would you--I have surgeries
I actually need,
965
00:49:31,433 --> 00:49:33,633
that doctors have
implored me to get.
966
00:49:33,667 --> 00:49:36,934
Had two really strong
hernias working.
967
00:49:36,967 --> 00:49:40,800
And hilarious balls
aren't gonna take precedent.
968
00:49:40,834 --> 00:49:42,867
You can pull your balls out
at last call
969
00:49:42,900 --> 00:49:44,600
and hang around the jukebox.
970
00:49:44,633 --> 00:49:45,667
You don't need jokes.
971
00:49:45,700 --> 00:49:47,300
You just wait
for someone to notice.
972
00:49:47,333 --> 00:49:50,066
Especially when you have,
like, really hangy balls.
973
00:49:50,100 --> 00:49:54,934
My balls have hangy hair on--
I have long ball hair.
974
00:49:54,967 --> 00:49:58,967
Crispy, long ball hair,
like a hipster's beard.
975
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:00,400
And if you can hang those out,
976
00:50:00,433 --> 00:50:04,567
you don't even have to come up
with new material.
977
00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:06,700
Why cut those off?
978
00:50:06,734 --> 00:50:08,233
I got to get back
to the hernias.
979
00:50:08,266 --> 00:50:10,767
I got two strong hernias
working right now.
980
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:12,800
I got a ventral hernia.
981
00:50:12,834 --> 00:50:16,567
That's where the abdominal
muscles split apart.
982
00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:21,333
That's common in alcoholics
and pregnant women.
983
00:50:21,367 --> 00:50:24,133
So jury's still out
on what caused this.
984
00:50:24,166 --> 00:50:26,600
The other one
is the run-of-the-mill
985
00:50:26,633 --> 00:50:28,834
inguinal hernia,
the groin hernia.
986
00:50:28,867 --> 00:50:31,734
And that one,
that's where your intestines
987
00:50:31,767 --> 00:50:35,333
are trying to spill
through your ligaments.
988
00:50:35,367 --> 00:50:37,166
So I learned
to work around it.
989
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,033
I haven't got surgery,
'cause I learned, like,
990
00:50:39,066 --> 00:50:40,400
if I have to sneeze,
991
00:50:40,433 --> 00:50:42,867
I do a high kick like a Rockette
992
00:50:42,900 --> 00:50:47,600
to keep my guts from spilling
out like a balloon animal.
993
00:50:47,633 --> 00:50:50,600
So health care
is completely overrated.
994
00:50:50,633 --> 00:50:53,567
You just got to figure out
how to work this shit.
995
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:56,266
I'm working on developing
an eating disorder,
996
00:50:56,300 --> 00:50:57,600
'cause my only--
997
00:50:57,633 --> 00:50:58,934
'cause with the hernias,
998
00:50:58,967 --> 00:51:01,934
I can't do sit-ups
or lift heavy objects,
999
00:51:01,967 --> 00:51:05,166
which is perfect.
Who'd fix that?
1000
00:51:07,300 --> 00:51:10,834
My only problem is,
with the fat,
1001
00:51:10,867 --> 00:51:13,266
you got to understand
how much time and effort
1002
00:51:13,300 --> 00:51:15,033
I put into these suits.
1003
00:51:15,066 --> 00:51:17,300
You don't just buy this suit.
1004
00:51:17,333 --> 00:51:22,033
This is years of hitting every
Goodwill and Salvation Army
1005
00:51:22,066 --> 00:51:24,600
across the road
in every town we play,
1006
00:51:24,633 --> 00:51:26,900
and you find the coat one year,
1007
00:51:26,934 --> 00:51:29,367
and one day I'll find pants
that match it,
1008
00:51:29,400 --> 00:51:30,734
and then a tie.
1009
00:51:30,767 --> 00:51:31,734
And you go--
1010
00:51:31,767 --> 00:51:33,133
You get one pants size,
1011
00:51:33,166 --> 00:51:36,266
my whole closet is done,
years of effort.
1012
00:51:36,300 --> 00:51:37,767
And on a side note,
1013
00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:42,266
can we start putting sizes
in obituaries?
1014
00:51:42,300 --> 00:51:44,367
Can that be a tradition?
1015
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:46,834
That would make
thrift store shopping
1016
00:51:46,867 --> 00:51:49,000
so much easier,
1017
00:51:49,033 --> 00:51:51,900
if I could just read
the local obits.
1018
00:51:51,934 --> 00:51:54,333
He was a Korean War veteran.
1019
00:51:54,367 --> 00:51:55,700
He worked with the unions.
1020
00:51:55,734 --> 00:52:00,400
He liked to disco dance
in the '70s at the Studio 52,
1021
00:52:00,433 --> 00:52:05,600
and he was a 40 regular,
size 32 pants.
1022
00:52:05,633 --> 00:52:07,500
And then I'd know exactly
what neighborhood
1023
00:52:07,533 --> 00:52:12,433
to hit the thrift store.
1024
00:52:12,467 --> 00:52:16,633
I figured out, if I could just
get an eating disorder,
1025
00:52:16,667 --> 00:52:19,600
I could do an eating disorder,
1026
00:52:19,633 --> 00:52:22,567
because I don't have
the horrible psychology
1027
00:52:22,600 --> 00:52:24,433
that goes with
an eating disorder.
1028
00:52:24,467 --> 00:52:26,667
I could vomit socially.
1029
00:52:26,700 --> 00:52:28,834
Just, I don't want
to be like some--
1030
00:52:28,867 --> 00:52:30,834
I don't have a bad
body self-image.
1031
00:52:30,867 --> 00:52:32,433
You have that about me.
1032
00:52:32,467 --> 00:52:33,900
That's not--I don't care.
1033
00:52:33,934 --> 00:52:37,433
I just don't want
to lose my pants.
1034
00:52:37,467 --> 00:52:40,033
I'm not some teenager
who's gonna just start puking,
1035
00:52:40,066 --> 00:52:42,400
and then it's gonna catch on
till I rot my teeth
1036
00:52:42,433 --> 00:52:45,367
down to little black nubs
and I'm emaciated.
1037
00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:47,133
I just want to puke enough
1038
00:52:47,166 --> 00:52:50,633
to get the outer layer
of smoking stains off.
1039
00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:53,867
I want to vomit my way
into teeth whitening
1040
00:52:53,900 --> 00:52:56,767
while maintaining a 32 waist.
1041
00:52:56,800 --> 00:53:01,266
And I think I could
pull that off socially.
1042
00:53:01,300 --> 00:53:06,700
The problem with people
with eating disorders--
1043
00:53:06,734 --> 00:53:09,533
and I say people,
'cause it's not just ladies.
1044
00:53:09,567 --> 00:53:11,867
It's also jockeys.
1045
00:53:11,900 --> 00:53:16,600
People who have
eating disorders,
1046
00:53:16,633 --> 00:53:19,934
there's an inherent rudeness
to an eating disorder
1047
00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,233
that's not intended.
1048
00:53:21,266 --> 00:53:26,433
It's just part and parcel
of the disorder,
1049
00:53:26,467 --> 00:53:30,567
'cause the reason that a person
can vomit their way down
1050
00:53:30,600 --> 00:53:34,667
to Karen Carpenter-Auschwitz
emaciated,
1051
00:53:34,700 --> 00:53:36,500
'cause they still
think they're fat.
1052
00:53:36,533 --> 00:53:38,133
No matter how thin they get,
1053
00:53:38,166 --> 00:53:41,333
they still
see themselves as fat.
1054
00:53:41,367 --> 00:53:46,633
So if you can puke your way
down to 78 pounds
1055
00:53:46,667 --> 00:53:50,433
of bile breath
and organ failure,
1056
00:53:50,467 --> 00:53:53,734
and you still think
you're obese,
1057
00:53:53,767 --> 00:53:57,800
what are you thinking
when you look at me?
1058
00:53:57,834 --> 00:53:59,066
I know what you're thinking.
1059
00:53:59,100 --> 00:54:02,600
It's fucking rude, lady.
1060
00:54:02,633 --> 00:54:04,166
Stop it.
1061
00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:07,033
I'm a little bloated,
alcoholic-doughy,
1062
00:54:07,066 --> 00:54:09,934
but I'm not some fucking
Ralphie May
1063
00:54:09,967 --> 00:54:13,100
circus act, freak show guy
up here.
1064
00:54:13,133 --> 00:54:16,834
It's rude, how you see me.
1065
00:54:16,867 --> 00:54:17,967
Rude.
1066
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:20,066
It's like kids with cancer.
1067
00:54:20,100 --> 00:54:22,400
Fuck you,
little kid with cancer.
1068
00:54:22,433 --> 00:54:24,066
You're rude too.
1069
00:54:24,100 --> 00:54:26,367
Little kids
are dying of cancer,
1070
00:54:26,400 --> 00:54:29,133
and everyone goes out
and they have these foundations,
1071
00:54:29,166 --> 00:54:31,133
like Locks of Love,
1072
00:54:31,166 --> 00:54:35,467
where people shave their heads
for the little kids with cancer.
1073
00:54:35,500 --> 00:54:38,333
Oh, we're gonna make wigs
for the little kid with cancer.
1074
00:54:38,367 --> 00:54:42,300
That should be
such an affront to any bald
1075
00:54:42,333 --> 00:54:45,467
or balding man in this room,
1076
00:54:45,500 --> 00:54:48,900
where some child
is dying of leukemia,
1077
00:54:48,934 --> 00:54:51,867
and you, as a parent,
your biggest concern,
1078
00:54:51,900 --> 00:54:54,166
"Oh, yeah,
he's gonna croak any day,
1079
00:54:54,200 --> 00:54:57,567
but God forbid he dies
looking like you.
1080
00:54:57,600 --> 00:55:00,734
Not my baby!
1081
00:55:00,767 --> 00:55:02,533
Get him a wig.
1082
00:55:02,567 --> 00:55:05,200
Doll him up for the grave."
1083
00:55:05,233 --> 00:55:06,533
It's fucking hair.
1084
00:55:06,567 --> 00:55:08,233
Who gives a shit?
1085
00:55:08,266 --> 00:55:10,166
This is not
a medical condition.
1086
00:55:10,200 --> 00:55:12,066
This isn't painful.
1087
00:55:12,100 --> 00:55:13,433
It's fucking hair.
1088
00:55:13,467 --> 00:55:15,200
This kid's 6 years old.
1089
00:55:15,233 --> 00:55:17,100
He's not trying to get pussy.
1090
00:55:17,133 --> 00:55:19,633
What's fucking wrong with you?
1091
00:55:19,667 --> 00:55:23,233
"God forbid my child dies
without having learned
1092
00:55:23,266 --> 00:55:25,200
our grotesque obsession
1093
00:55:25,233 --> 00:55:27,934
with personal appearance
and vanity."
1094
00:55:30,467 --> 00:55:32,133
And I'm not just fucking
with you.
1095
00:55:32,166 --> 00:55:35,400
I got a situation
going on right there.
1096
00:55:35,433 --> 00:55:37,500
It's not bald.
You've committed.
1097
00:55:37,533 --> 00:55:39,100
This is a--
1098
00:55:39,133 --> 00:55:40,967
This is a little
something there.
1099
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:43,100
I can pull on it.
1100
00:55:43,133 --> 00:55:45,066
If you put a cigarette
lighter to that,
1101
00:55:45,100 --> 00:55:47,900
you'd get a small, "Foof."
1102
00:55:47,934 --> 00:55:49,133
There's a little something.
1103
00:55:49,166 --> 00:55:51,533
This is a running argument
with my girlfriend,
1104
00:55:51,567 --> 00:55:52,867
where she'll go,
1105
00:55:52,900 --> 00:55:55,166
"You should put some sun block
on your bald spot.
1106
00:55:55,200 --> 00:55:56,934
You're getting red."
1107
00:55:56,967 --> 00:55:59,233
Like, it's not a--
it's not a bald spot.
1108
00:55:59,266 --> 00:56:02,567
There's technically
hair on there.
1109
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:05,433
And I took this
to an extreme,
1110
00:56:05,467 --> 00:56:09,734
where, one night, shit-faced,
which I don't have to--
1111
00:56:09,767 --> 00:56:11,734
you'll know by the story.
1112
00:56:11,767 --> 00:56:16,867
I shaved my entire head,
razor shaved, to the bone,
1113
00:56:16,900 --> 00:56:22,266
everything except for this spot,
right here.
1114
00:56:22,300 --> 00:56:26,433
And I came out of the bathroom,
so proud of myself.
1115
00:56:26,467 --> 00:56:29,600
"Where's my bald spot
now, Bingo?
1116
00:56:29,633 --> 00:56:31,200
Point to it.
1117
00:56:31,233 --> 00:56:35,166
Point to the part of my head
that you just referred to
1118
00:56:35,200 --> 00:56:36,500
as my bald spot.
1119
00:56:36,533 --> 00:56:38,233
Is it here?
1120
00:56:38,266 --> 00:56:39,300
What's this?
1121
00:56:39,333 --> 00:56:42,500
Oh, is that my hairy spot now?
1122
00:56:42,533 --> 00:56:45,400
Say it!
Say it out loud, Bingo.
1123
00:56:45,433 --> 00:56:48,166
Yes, that's your hairy spot,
Doug Stanhope.
1124
00:56:48,200 --> 00:56:54,133
And I'm always wrong,
and you're always right."
1125
00:56:54,166 --> 00:56:57,667
Then I had to walk around
with that haircut for a week,
1126
00:56:57,700 --> 00:56:59,934
till I rubbed it in enough,
1127
00:56:59,967 --> 00:57:01,333
while all my friends are going,
1128
00:57:01,367 --> 00:57:04,433
"What the fuck
did you do to your head?
1129
00:57:04,467 --> 00:57:06,200
What is that?
1130
00:57:06,233 --> 00:57:07,900
Did you lose a bet?"
1131
00:57:07,934 --> 00:57:11,700
No, I won a bet,
technically.
1132
00:57:11,734 --> 00:57:16,100
I won a bet,
right there.
1133
00:57:16,133 --> 00:57:17,767
And then I thought,
1134
00:57:17,800 --> 00:57:21,066
"Wouldn't it be
magnanimous of me
1135
00:57:21,100 --> 00:57:26,033
to donate my hairy spot
to some little kid
1136
00:57:26,066 --> 00:57:29,233
dying of cancer?"
1137
00:57:29,266 --> 00:57:33,333
Just go down to that
Locks of Love.
1138
00:57:33,367 --> 00:57:35,533
Supermarket parking lot,
1139
00:57:35,567 --> 00:57:37,934
everyone shaving
their head fest.
1140
00:57:37,967 --> 00:57:42,433
Find the kid
that showed up late.
1141
00:57:42,467 --> 00:57:44,834
Don't worry, little buddy,
I got you covered.
1142
00:57:44,867 --> 00:57:46,934
Right here,
I'm gonna give you this.
1143
00:57:47,000 --> 00:57:49,900
Yeah, right down here
in front of everyone.
1144
00:57:49,934 --> 00:57:51,333
You want to look like that?
1145
00:57:51,367 --> 00:57:53,900
You want to look
like some elderly Jew
1146
00:57:53,934 --> 00:57:56,667
who's still wearing
the same lucky yarmulke
1147
00:57:56,700 --> 00:57:58,700
for the last 70 years?
1148
00:57:58,734 --> 00:58:01,600
Now it's all threadbare
and wispy.
1149
00:58:01,633 --> 00:58:03,600
'Cause I'm gonna give that
to you.
1150
00:58:03,633 --> 00:58:06,200
You want to wear
that pompadour of shame
1151
00:58:06,233 --> 00:58:07,967
into your little tiny grave?
1152
00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:10,633
I'm willing.
1153
00:58:10,667 --> 00:58:16,033
But no kid with cancer would
ever want my "hairy" spot.
1154
00:58:16,066 --> 00:58:21,000
It's not good enough for them,
'cause they're rude.
1155
00:58:21,033 --> 00:58:24,567
Go sit with your puker friend
in the back, kid with cancer.
1156
00:58:24,600 --> 00:58:25,867
You're both rude.
1157
00:58:25,900 --> 00:58:27,433
I know you're having a bad day,
1158
00:58:27,467 --> 00:58:29,333
but you don't take it out
on people who are trying
1159
00:58:29,367 --> 00:58:33,500
to give back to the community.
1160
00:58:33,533 --> 00:58:35,834
It's the only part of my body
I could donate
1161
00:58:35,867 --> 00:58:37,834
that isn't toxic at this point.
1162
00:58:37,867 --> 00:58:42,600
My little fucking chemo wisp.
1163
00:58:42,633 --> 00:58:48,333
Good, the fucking show went
downhill so badly without you.
1164
00:58:48,367 --> 00:58:50,767
Everything started to suck.
1165
00:58:50,800 --> 00:58:52,967
No, thanks.
Fucking Guinness?
1166
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:54,900
Grotesque.
1167
00:58:54,934 --> 00:58:58,967
Fucking do a shot
and eat a loaf of bread.
1168
00:59:05,200 --> 00:59:08,467
Here's--I'm getting
"Jagermeister"
1169
00:59:08,500 --> 00:59:13,300
tattooed across my toes...
1170
00:59:13,333 --> 00:59:18,133
so that when I lose my toes
to the diabetes
1171
00:59:18,166 --> 00:59:20,433
that I assume,
if I don't have it,
1172
00:59:20,467 --> 00:59:25,300
I'm gonna get it from 20 years
of drinking that swill,
1173
00:59:25,333 --> 00:59:29,600
and they have to lop my toes off
from diabetic neuropathy,
1174
00:59:29,633 --> 00:59:33,233
I can then hang those toes
around my neck
1175
00:59:33,266 --> 00:59:35,500
on a fishing line.
1176
00:59:35,533 --> 00:59:38,533
A little shrunken head
charm bracelet
1177
00:59:38,567 --> 00:59:41,166
of little, tiny Jager toes
1178
00:59:41,200 --> 00:59:45,333
to remind me of all
the good times I can't remember
1179
00:59:45,367 --> 00:59:47,667
from drinking Jagermeister.
1180
00:59:47,700 --> 00:59:51,033
Like a Vietnam vet
coming out of the jungle
1181
00:59:51,066 --> 00:59:54,400
with V.C. ears
strung around his neck
1182
00:59:54,433 --> 00:59:57,700
to remind him of his time
in the shit,
1183
00:59:57,734 --> 01:00:00,734
I will have little,
tiny shrunken head Jager toes
1184
01:00:00,767 --> 01:00:02,367
of my own,
1185
01:00:02,400 --> 01:00:05,166
and I will have to clobber
the first person
1186
01:00:05,200 --> 01:00:08,567
that points out the typo,
1187
01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:10,834
'cause I know there's at least
one bean counter
1188
01:00:10,867 --> 01:00:12,467
in here right now
doing the math,
1189
01:00:12,500 --> 01:00:17,767
and no, I don't have 12 toes
to fit all of "Jagermeister."
1190
01:00:17,800 --> 01:00:19,033
I'll have to eliminate
1191
01:00:19,066 --> 01:00:22,367
some unnecessary
"I" before "E" bullshit,
1192
01:00:22,400 --> 01:00:24,900
but you'll get the message.
1193
01:00:27,934 --> 01:00:29,533
You know what
gives me the creeps
1194
01:00:29,567 --> 01:00:31,200
about the Vietnam vets,
1195
01:00:31,233 --> 01:00:36,600
they have this obsession
with wearing the hat.
1196
01:00:36,633 --> 01:00:40,734
They have to let you know
they're a Vietnam vet.
1197
01:00:40,767 --> 01:00:42,300
They all wear the baseball hat
1198
01:00:42,333 --> 01:00:45,066
with the gold leafs
and the platoon and the year.
1199
01:00:45,100 --> 01:00:49,100
"Dang Wang, '68 to '70,
Vietnam vet."
1200
01:00:49,133 --> 01:00:52,000
Why the fuck
would you wear that hat?
1201
01:00:52,033 --> 01:00:55,767
Did you forget
how brutally fucked over
1202
01:00:55,800 --> 01:00:58,667
by your own government
you got on that deal?
1203
01:00:58,700 --> 01:01:01,967
And you wear a hat
celebrating it?
1204
01:01:02,000 --> 01:01:04,934
Nixon, in his own words
in the Nixon tapes,
1205
01:01:04,967 --> 01:01:07,500
talks openly and casually
1206
01:01:07,533 --> 01:01:10,033
about delaying the withdrawal
of troops
1207
01:01:10,066 --> 01:01:11,767
just so he can win reelection.
1208
01:01:11,800 --> 01:01:14,000
"Fuck 'em
if thousands more die.
1209
01:01:14,033 --> 01:01:16,934
I need this gig again."
1210
01:01:16,967 --> 01:01:19,333
And then you're wearing a hat.
1211
01:01:19,367 --> 01:01:20,834
They fucked you over
1212
01:01:20,867 --> 01:01:26,166
and then sold you merch
after the gig.
1213
01:01:26,200 --> 01:01:30,700
How bad do you need someone
to buy you a Pabst Blue Ribbon
1214
01:01:30,734 --> 01:01:32,900
down at the VFW?
1215
01:01:32,934 --> 01:01:34,800
That's like a rape victim
1216
01:01:34,834 --> 01:01:37,233
walking around
in a pink trucker cap
1217
01:01:37,266 --> 01:01:42,400
that says, "Molested,
step-brother, '82 to '86."
1218
01:01:42,433 --> 01:01:45,200
"Hey, girls,
where's all the fun at?"
1219
01:01:45,233 --> 01:01:48,166
[cheers and applause]
1220
01:01:52,800 --> 01:01:55,233
And if you've suffered
any kind of trauma like that,
1221
01:01:55,266 --> 01:01:58,200
a war or rape
or whatever it is,
1222
01:01:58,233 --> 01:02:00,500
I'm glad you're here,
1223
01:02:00,533 --> 01:02:04,066
so we can annex
some of those problems
1224
01:02:04,100 --> 01:02:06,333
and goof on them.
1225
01:02:06,367 --> 01:02:10,100
If you're a victim of any kind
of traumatic event like that,
1226
01:02:10,133 --> 01:02:13,000
and you ever find yourself
being the person
1227
01:02:13,033 --> 01:02:14,967
who says publicly,
1228
01:02:15,000 --> 01:02:19,233
"And I still have nightmares,"
1229
01:02:19,266 --> 01:02:25,333
just remember,
so does everybody else.
1230
01:02:25,367 --> 01:02:29,767
At least now yours make sense.
1231
01:02:29,800 --> 01:02:32,367
Everybody else has nightmares,
and they don't make--
1232
01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:36,633
I have nightmares of riding
on the back of carp
1233
01:02:36,667 --> 01:02:39,066
through a swamp,
like a camel,
1234
01:02:39,100 --> 01:02:40,767
and then we
fly up into the air
1235
01:02:40,800 --> 01:02:42,700
and get sucked
into a jet engine,
1236
01:02:42,734 --> 01:02:45,233
and now I'm in a middle seat
in the back
1237
01:02:45,266 --> 01:02:46,734
that doesn't recline,
1238
01:02:46,767 --> 01:02:48,400
and everybody hates me,
1239
01:02:48,433 --> 01:02:52,300
and I'm having to watch
"Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,"
1240
01:02:52,333 --> 01:02:56,100
and I'm starring in it,
and everyone's booing me.
1241
01:02:56,133 --> 01:02:59,333
That doesn't make any sense.
1242
01:02:59,367 --> 01:03:02,600
You wake up shaking
from the war.
1243
01:03:02,633 --> 01:03:05,934
At least there's some connection
to reality.
1244
01:03:05,967 --> 01:03:10,834
I don't wake up shaking and
have my girlfriend holding me
1245
01:03:10,867 --> 01:03:13,166
going, "It's okay, honey.
1246
01:03:13,200 --> 01:03:16,700
You needed the money
for 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop.'"
1247
01:03:24,967 --> 01:03:30,667
Yeah, no, I prefer nightmares
to dreams.
1248
01:03:30,700 --> 01:03:33,266
Dreams suck.
1249
01:03:33,300 --> 01:03:38,600
I just won $750,000
on a scratch ticket,
1250
01:03:38,633 --> 01:03:41,300
and I'm rich,
and I missed my plane,
1251
01:03:41,333 --> 01:03:43,400
but Air Force One is here,
1252
01:03:43,433 --> 01:03:45,166
and the president
is a huge fan,
1253
01:03:45,200 --> 01:03:51,333
and he has all of my DVDs,
and I'm huge and famous.
1254
01:03:51,367 --> 01:03:52,367
And then I wake up,
1255
01:03:52,400 --> 01:03:55,033
and I'm in some
fucking Travelodge
1256
01:03:55,066 --> 01:03:57,133
in Big Timber, Montana.
1257
01:03:57,166 --> 01:03:59,934
I slept in my suit,
and I sweat through it.
1258
01:03:59,967 --> 01:04:03,734
And I have a nine-hour drive
to Pocatello, to another gig,
1259
01:04:03,767 --> 01:04:06,533
a 40-seater
that I can't sell out,
1260
01:04:06,567 --> 01:04:10,500
with the Patel motel mafia
hammering at my hotel door
1261
01:04:10,533 --> 01:04:13,567
'cause it's past checkout.
1262
01:04:13,600 --> 01:04:15,600
That's the reality.
1263
01:04:15,633 --> 01:04:17,900
I'd rather ride the carp.
1264
01:04:19,667 --> 01:04:22,600
[cheers and applause]
1265
01:04:26,433 --> 01:04:30,834
I was really trying to have
a whole positive spin
1266
01:04:30,867 --> 01:04:32,066
on this entire special,
1267
01:04:32,100 --> 01:04:36,533
and I feel like I failed again
in my career.
1268
01:04:36,567 --> 01:04:40,133
I was trying to be uplifting
somehow with all this shit,
1269
01:04:40,166 --> 01:04:45,000
and it doesn't feel
like it's working.
1270
01:04:45,033 --> 01:04:47,934
Problem is,
when you spend 25 years
1271
01:04:47,967 --> 01:04:52,333
just pointing out everything
that's wrong in life
1272
01:04:52,367 --> 01:04:54,033
and wrong with the world,
1273
01:04:54,066 --> 01:04:59,767
you have a tendency to come off
as a negative person.
1274
01:04:59,800 --> 01:05:02,633
But I'm not.
1275
01:05:02,667 --> 01:05:05,567
It's true,
but it's not negative.
1276
01:05:05,600 --> 01:05:10,867
The truth is that human beings,
as a species,
1277
01:05:10,900 --> 01:05:14,800
have almost always
been wrong
1278
01:05:14,834 --> 01:05:19,633
about almost
every single thing
1279
01:05:19,667 --> 01:05:22,000
that we ever thought was right
1280
01:05:22,033 --> 01:05:26,400
for the entirety
of recorded human history.
1281
01:05:26,433 --> 01:05:30,734
Wrong, wrong, oops, fail,
1282
01:05:30,767 --> 01:05:33,867
missed again,
get you next time,
1283
01:05:33,900 --> 01:05:36,200
wrong, erh!
1284
01:05:36,233 --> 01:05:39,533
Earth is flat,
burning witches,
1285
01:05:39,567 --> 01:05:42,633
slavery, reefer madness.
1286
01:05:42,667 --> 01:05:45,266
They thought Liberace
was straight
1287
01:05:45,300 --> 01:05:48,133
and Bruce Jenner was a man.
1288
01:05:48,166 --> 01:05:50,033
Wrong.
1289
01:05:52,133 --> 01:05:53,967
[cheering]
1290
01:05:54,000 --> 01:05:55,667
So that--
1291
01:05:55,700 --> 01:05:57,600
That should be inspiring.
1292
01:05:57,633 --> 01:06:01,133
Occasionally, here and again,
someone's right about something,
1293
01:06:01,166 --> 01:06:03,667
and they have a genius idea,
and they're right.
1294
01:06:03,700 --> 01:06:05,967
And maybe you have
a genius idea.
1295
01:06:06,000 --> 01:06:08,166
So don't be afraid
to put it out there.
1296
01:06:08,200 --> 01:06:12,667
Don't be afraid to be wrong,
because that's what we do.
1297
01:06:12,700 --> 01:06:14,734
"Ah, you fucking stupid.
1298
01:06:14,767 --> 01:06:16,200
You thought
that was gonna work?
1299
01:06:16,233 --> 01:06:17,400
You're wrong."
1300
01:06:17,433 --> 01:06:19,100
Well, that's what
we always have been.
1301
01:06:19,133 --> 01:06:20,500
But maybe you're right.
1302
01:06:20,533 --> 01:06:25,266
I know no one in my audience
is curing Ebola or anything.
1303
01:06:25,300 --> 01:06:27,333
But maybe you have
a genius idea
1304
01:06:27,367 --> 01:06:29,700
that works on a lower level
1305
01:06:29,734 --> 01:06:32,967
but changes the social structure
a little bit
1306
01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:34,700
to make life
a little bit better.
1307
01:06:34,734 --> 01:06:36,000
Put it out there.
1308
01:06:36,033 --> 01:06:38,300
If you think you're brilliant,
try.
1309
01:06:38,333 --> 01:06:40,633
And if you fail, fuck 'em.
1310
01:06:40,667 --> 01:06:45,834
There's a--
in 1960, the New York Giants
1311
01:06:45,867 --> 01:06:48,233
hired a kicker from Hungary.
1312
01:06:48,266 --> 01:06:51,900
This is back, if you watch
old black-and-white NFL footage,
1313
01:06:51,934 --> 01:06:54,800
they used to kick field goals
just very stiff.
1314
01:06:54,834 --> 01:06:56,767
A-dut-dut-dut.
1315
01:06:56,800 --> 01:06:59,500
Like a fucking kid
with rickets in leg braces.
1316
01:06:59,533 --> 01:07:02,967
Da-da-doy-doink!
1317
01:07:03,000 --> 01:07:04,400
And that was the norm.
1318
01:07:04,433 --> 01:07:09,000
And then they finally hired
a soccer player from Hungary,
1319
01:07:09,033 --> 01:07:10,467
and he came over,
1320
01:07:10,500 --> 01:07:13,500
and he sees all these people.
1321
01:07:13,533 --> 01:07:15,600
It had to be
a lot of pressure.
1322
01:07:15,633 --> 01:07:17,834
You sail on a boat
all the way from Hungary
1323
01:07:17,867 --> 01:07:19,734
to be a kicker, and...
1324
01:07:19,767 --> 01:07:23,700
everyone else is kicking
like a dildo.
1325
01:07:23,734 --> 01:07:27,500
"I don't want to have to learn
how to kick like a dildo."
1326
01:07:27,533 --> 01:07:29,033
So finally he says,
1327
01:07:29,066 --> 01:07:31,600
"Fuck 'em, I'm gonna kick
like I kick."
1328
01:07:31,633 --> 01:07:35,233
And he's the first guy to kick
like they kick field goals now,
1329
01:07:35,266 --> 01:07:39,166
soccer style.
He didn't know he was a genius.
1330
01:07:39,200 --> 01:07:43,000
He just said, "I don't want
to look like an asshole,
1331
01:07:43,033 --> 01:07:46,867
so I'm gonna muster up
the courage to kick like I kick
1332
01:07:46,900 --> 01:07:49,266
despite the peer pressure.
1333
01:07:49,300 --> 01:07:53,000
And fuck 'em, it's 1960,
they don't pay shit yet."
1334
01:07:53,033 --> 01:07:55,800
And he revolutionized
special teams in the NFL,
1335
01:07:55,834 --> 01:07:58,400
just by being brave,
a little tiny thing.
1336
01:07:58,433 --> 01:07:59,867
So whatever it is,
1337
01:07:59,900 --> 01:08:02,300
if you think you have
a brilliant idea,
1338
01:08:02,333 --> 01:08:04,467
don't be afraid to be wrong.
1339
01:08:04,500 --> 01:08:06,233
Kick like you kick,
1340
01:08:06,266 --> 01:08:08,367
and fuck 'em
if they don't like it.
1341
01:08:08,400 --> 01:08:09,567
When I was--
1342
01:08:09,600 --> 01:08:13,533
[cheers and applause]
1343
01:08:13,567 --> 01:08:16,500
When I was a young man
growing up,
1344
01:08:16,533 --> 01:08:18,100
jerking off in the shower,
1345
01:08:18,133 --> 01:08:23,066
I would notice that as soon
as my load hit standing water,
1346
01:08:23,100 --> 01:08:25,000
It would all coagulate
1347
01:08:25,033 --> 01:08:31,433
into this angry swarm
of gummy bear boner sap
1348
01:08:31,467 --> 01:08:34,333
that had some sonar,
1349
01:08:34,367 --> 01:08:37,867
like it was trying to
attach itself to my toe hairs.
1350
01:08:37,900 --> 01:08:41,433
It's, like, chasing you.
1351
01:08:41,467 --> 01:08:44,967
And you don't want to have
to get down on all fours
1352
01:08:45,000 --> 01:08:48,800
and wipe all that up
with a hand cloth.
1353
01:08:48,834 --> 01:08:50,867
So at an early age,
I realized,
1354
01:08:50,900 --> 01:08:54,200
if I just got my shoulder
into the shower stream,
1355
01:08:54,233 --> 01:08:57,667
I could manipulate
every little bead
1356
01:08:57,700 --> 01:09:00,000
of gummy bear jisma,
1357
01:09:00,033 --> 01:09:02,867
like a Super Soaker effect,
running off your arm,
1358
01:09:02,900 --> 01:09:05,967
and guide each one
into a drain hole.
1359
01:09:06,000 --> 01:09:09,767
And I didn't know,
is this a genius idea?
1360
01:09:09,800 --> 01:09:11,367
Does everybody know this?
1361
01:09:11,400 --> 01:09:13,567
Should I run down the street
in my towel,
1362
01:09:13,600 --> 01:09:15,600
yelling to all my friends?
1363
01:09:15,633 --> 01:09:18,266
I don't know, 'cause I didn't
grow up in a household
1364
01:09:18,300 --> 01:09:21,300
jerking off
with 12 other guys.
1365
01:09:21,333 --> 01:09:28,266
I did not grow up
in an NFL type of environment.
1366
01:09:28,300 --> 01:09:32,000
Perhaps, if I did
grow up like that
1367
01:09:32,033 --> 01:09:36,200
and everyone all jerked off
in the shower at the same time,
1368
01:09:36,233 --> 01:09:38,166
we'd go, "Oh, j'ugh!
1369
01:09:38,200 --> 01:09:40,633
Wow, we really
chowder-housed the drain
1370
01:09:40,667 --> 01:09:42,500
on this one, gentlemen.
1371
01:09:42,533 --> 01:09:44,767
Who's gonna clean this up?
1372
01:09:44,800 --> 01:09:47,934
Get Stanhope; he's a rookie."
1373
01:09:47,967 --> 01:09:52,300
And I come through like
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
1374
01:09:52,333 --> 01:09:54,467
on a foggy Christmas Eve,
1375
01:09:54,500 --> 01:09:55,834
and I go, "Stand back, guys.
1376
01:09:55,867 --> 01:09:58,633
Look what I discovered."
1377
01:09:58,667 --> 01:10:01,467
♪ Bah-bah-bah
bah, bah, bah ♪
1378
01:10:01,500 --> 01:10:04,667
♪ Ba-diddle-la-da-whoo ♪
1379
01:10:04,700 --> 01:10:06,033
They would have carried me
1380
01:10:06,066 --> 01:10:10,033
out of that shower
on their shoulders
1381
01:10:10,066 --> 01:10:12,800
as a conquering hero.
1382
01:10:12,834 --> 01:10:15,533
To this day,
it would still be known
1383
01:10:15,567 --> 01:10:19,300
as Stanhope-ing the drain.
1384
01:10:19,333 --> 01:10:24,033
And I would have left
a mark on this world.
1385
01:10:24,066 --> 01:10:25,800
Bisbee,
you're a beautiful people,
1386
01:10:25,834 --> 01:10:28,834
and I got to get
the fuck out of here.
1387
01:10:28,867 --> 01:10:32,367
[cheers and applause]
1388
01:10:32,400 --> 01:10:33,967
We'll be drinking soon enough.
1389
01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:36,967
[cheers and applause]
1390
01:10:51,567 --> 01:10:54,500
[audience chanting
"Doug"]
98103
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