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1
00:00:17,879 --> 00:00:20,760
'God, I'm nervous,
I haven't seen Mark for six months.
2
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:22,280
'Hope he's not too horrible.
3
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,879
'Maybe he'll have forgotten
I tried to steal his girlfriend.
4
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,000
'I pretty much have.'
5
00:00:26,039 --> 00:00:28,519
'I'll never forget he tried
to steal my girlfriend.
6
00:00:28,559 --> 00:00:31,519
'But I won't mention it tonight,
can't ruin Super Hans' stag.
7
00:00:31,559 --> 00:00:33,280
'I've reached acceptance.
8
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:37,159
'With the aid of a self-help
CD I loathe, I've reached acceptance.
9
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:38,960
'Oh, my God, there he is.'
10
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,439
'Here we go, Mr Big,
the ex-provider of my cheddar.'
11
00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:44,960
'Relax, no recriminations
on the stag.
12
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,960
'I haven't had a night out
for months,
13
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:48,640
'no recriminations on the stag.'
14
00:00:48,679 --> 00:00:52,280
Hello...Jeremy. Mark.
15
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,439
Good to see you.
Likewise, I'm sure. So...
16
00:00:55,479 --> 00:00:57,520
'Going to relax this shit
out with a lean.'
17
00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:01,560
Yeah, so...howz youz?
I'm most content.
18
00:01:02,039 --> 00:01:04,159
Right, that's good
that you're happy.
19
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:07,400
I mean, obviously not that happy,
since Dobby moved to New York.
20
00:01:07,439 --> 00:01:11,359
'Ugh! I did recriminations
on the stag.' Yeah, right.
21
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,159
'The Elephant Man never forgets.'
22
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,719
Well, this is it. Super Hans' stag.
23
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,760
Hard hats on, time to
descend into the depths of depravity.
24
00:01:22,799 --> 00:01:24,840
Oi-oi, it's Snoopy
and the Red Baron,
25
00:01:24,879 --> 00:01:27,319
come in,
you pair of fucking carb-loaders.
26
00:01:27,359 --> 00:01:30,519
The base juices are all paid for,
lads, so choose your
27
00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:34,120
fucking additions and let's detox
till we've got mega cocks.
28
00:01:34,159 --> 00:01:36,400
'Oh, my God,
he's cleaned up for the wedding.
29
00:01:36,439 --> 00:01:40,439
'Iggy's gone to rehab - Sober Hans!'
30
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,439
'This stag is one load
of PG-rated, Disney-assed,
31
00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:45,560
'Which? magazine-approved,
childproof,
32
00:01:45,599 --> 00:01:47,879
'high-vitamin
fucking bullshit.'
33
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,359
..antioxidants.
34
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,799
Oh, here we go, lads, more juice.
35
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,920
Delicious, Hans, I'm just not sure
how much more juice
36
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,680
I can manage, to be honest.
37
00:02:01,719 --> 00:02:05,719
Yeah, after you've had three or four
really big juices... Whatever.
38
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,000
So listen, I thought we would hang
here for a bit, have a little stroll
39
00:02:09,039 --> 00:02:11,439
down Oxford Street, take in the
funny T-shirts,
40
00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:13,039
hit one of my fave Prets,
41
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:17,079
more juice, bit of a relax,
then this avo - shopping, relax,
42
00:02:17,319 --> 00:02:19,240
juice, and then Tussauds.
43
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,520
They've got a new waxwork of Zoella
and some other wicked YouTubers.
44
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,120
Sound tasty?
45
00:02:30,879 --> 00:02:33,079
'Oh, pissing pure Innocent smoothie,
46
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,639
'there's no way
we can talk more about juice.'
47
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,079
See, the thing about juice from most
places is you get all the fibre
48
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,840
and most of the vitamins,
but if it's been pasteurised
49
00:02:41,879 --> 00:02:45,159
a fucklot of the micronutrient
content has been neutralised.
50
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:47,920
Oh, no, I don't think so, love,
we're not...
51
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:51,120
Did one of you jokers order this?
Sorry, wrong table.
52
00:02:51,159 --> 00:02:53,560
Unless, erm... One little siparoo?
53
00:02:53,599 --> 00:02:55,800
No, mate, no! No.
54
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,360
What, just to wet the whistle?
55
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:01,039
Exactly, just to wet the whistle.
56
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,759
If it's just to wet the whistle...
57
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,800
'That's right, get that big,
old whistle really nice and wet.'
58
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,639
Mm. That is quite refreshing.
59
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,520
Everyone!
60
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,000
Like, I'm really passionate about my
art, but I'm stuck working here,
61
00:03:28,039 --> 00:03:30,639
and it's like, when is it going to
happen for me, you know?
62
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:32,639
Probably never. Right.
63
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,479
What are your actual chances
of making a living as an artist?
64
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:39,280
I don't know, like, not very high?
Exactly. Not very high.
65
00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:42,079
Jez, I want to go full horrible.
Take me to the nasties.
66
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,240
All in good time, Hans.
67
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,120
Look, I'm a life coach,
68
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:49,280
so when I say sometimes you have to
kill a dream to follow a dream,
69
00:03:49,319 --> 00:03:52,000
that's advice backed
by a professional standards body.
70
00:03:52,039 --> 00:03:55,280
'Mm, I've said "body",
she'll be thinking about my body.'
71
00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:59,319
'Scuse me there, mate. Fuck off!
I heard The Strokes before you.
72
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:00,919
Ha! It DID degenerate.
73
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,199
I knew it would.
74
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,919
I want Molly. I love Molly!
She's not here, Hans.
75
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,759
All right, you're home now,
let's get you on the futon.
76
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,919
Sleep it off. I fucking hate a futon.
77
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,240
Everyone does,
but they're indestructible,
78
00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:17,600
so we are stuck with them.
79
00:04:17,639 --> 00:04:21,120
You're living here with Super Hans
and his fiancee, the three of you
80
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,639
in their tiny flat?
81
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,680
Yep. Oh, yep. So where do you...?
Come on through.
82
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:31,079
It's a great space,
extremely versatile.
83
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:34,319
This is...your room? The humidity is
actually great for my chest.
84
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,879
I mean, it's not number one
Hyde Park Palace,
85
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,800
but it suits me down to the ground.
86
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,159
'This is the most pathetic
sight known to man.'
87
00:04:41,199 --> 00:04:42,920
I think of it as a sunken bed.
88
00:04:42,959 --> 00:04:45,519
Yeah, that's probably a good
way to think of it.
89
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,240
Don't even need to leave the tub.
90
00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:48,959
Drink from the tap,
and when I need to,
91
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:52,000
just push the bag down, bang -
the bog's right there.
92
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,480
Just kneel and piss directly
down the plughole. It's my system.
93
00:04:55,519 --> 00:04:57,240
Ah, OK, that's a good...
94
00:04:57,279 --> 00:05:00,120
system. And you haven't even
seen the kitchen.
95
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,839
I love it. Clever.
96
00:05:02,879 --> 00:05:05,000
You've got a great set-up here.
97
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,360
'Mmm, toilet toast.'
Jez, I need to...
98
00:05:07,399 --> 00:05:11,399
Oh, right, yeah, no problem, wicked.
Will it be a longy or a shorty?
99
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:15,560
A... No worries, you decide.
Take your time.
100
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,839
That is the one small downside,
but it's cool.
101
00:05:18,879 --> 00:05:21,399
Right, well,
you probably want to turn in.
102
00:05:21,439 --> 00:05:24,439
Once Super Hans has
finished his disgusting business.
103
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:25,839
I'll see you around.
104
00:05:25,879 --> 00:05:29,879
'There he goes, my other half,
my better half, 'er indoors.'
105
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,199
Mark, we need to talk, there's
something I need to say to you.
106
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,000
'Finally!
Let the apologathon commence.'
107
00:05:37,079 --> 00:05:41,079
No, it's going to be a longy!
But maybe not here.
108
00:05:41,639 --> 00:05:44,480
'"Sorry, Mark. I'm sorry."
109
00:05:44,519 --> 00:05:46,920
'So simple, and yet it feels
like if I say it,
110
00:05:46,959 --> 00:05:48,639
'I might actually die.
111
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:50,959
'OK, no need for an apology now,
I'm back in.
112
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,480
'We'll just pick up
where we left off.'
113
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:56,519
Jez, this is Jerry. Jerry, Jez.
114
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,199
Jerry? Jerry's
a colleague from the bank. The bank?
115
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,680
I work at a bank now,
Johnson got me in.
116
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,759
Johnson? Yep!
And he's off the sauce.
117
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,560
Erm, unless you count tomato sauce.
118
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:09,000
Yes, he certainly likes a lot
of tomato sauce on his chips!
119
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:14,399
Jerry moved in a few weeks back.
Yeah, I've just split from my ex.
120
00:06:14,439 --> 00:06:18,040
She was a miner from Moldova.
A gold miner!
121
00:06:18,079 --> 00:06:20,600
So me and Mark are the
Rebound Brothers. Boing!
122
00:06:20,639 --> 00:06:21,879
Boing.
123
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,040
'The El Dude Brothers trump
the Rebound Brothers,
124
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,439
'you total fucking arsehole.'
125
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,480
I'm the new improved you.
126
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,920
He's using my mug, Mark.
They're all my mugs, Jez.
127
00:06:42,959 --> 00:06:45,480
Jerry's a William Morris fan,
we both are.
128
00:06:45,519 --> 00:06:48,600
"Have nothing in your room that
you do not believe to be beautiful
129
00:06:48,639 --> 00:06:49,879
"or know to be useful."
130
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,639
'I don't know why,
but I HATE Jerry.'
131
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,680
Hey, that's my duvet!
I don't think so.
132
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,279
So, what was it you wanted to say?
133
00:06:56,319 --> 00:06:58,879
I've got work in the morning so I'd
quite like to get to bed.
134
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,600
'Watch him grovel live,
while I swirl a brandy
135
00:07:01,639 --> 00:07:03,680
'and hold a breadstick
like a big cigar.'
136
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,879
'I'm out, Jerry's in -
apology redundant.'
137
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,800
Pretty sure that IS my duvet.
138
00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:09,480
That's it? That's it.
139
00:07:09,519 --> 00:07:13,519
You don't perhaps wish to play
the classic board game "Sorry!" No.
140
00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,279
I'll give you a twatting
at Operation if you like.
141
00:07:16,319 --> 00:07:20,319
Or we could hunt for YouTube clips
of the Ronnie Corbett sitcom "Sorry!"
142
00:07:20,839 --> 00:07:23,480
while we ate some...
'Bit much?'
143
00:07:23,519 --> 00:07:24,720
..sorrel soup.
144
00:07:24,759 --> 00:07:27,439
Look, Mark, I know what you're
getting at, but the fact is,
145
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:31,160
that day with Dobby I had a...
a medical brain attack.
146
00:07:31,199 --> 00:07:33,240
I've got a note from the doctor,
somewhere.
147
00:07:33,279 --> 00:07:36,959
If I can find the bloody thing!
Right.
148
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,759
You are not to blame for anything?
Well, fine. Goodnight.
149
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,279
I'll see you around, no doubt.
150
00:07:43,319 --> 00:07:47,319
'Fine, I'll go, but before I do,
I'm reclaiming the Falklands.'
151
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,279
What are you doing? Taking my duvet,
if that's cool.
152
00:07:50,319 --> 00:07:52,519
No, it's not cool,
Jerry needs it, it's not yours.
153
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,199
Fuck Jerry, it's mine!
Jeremy, this isn't normal!
154
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,079
It is, it's all totally normal!
155
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:02,120
'There he goes, duvet cape man off to
his toilet kitchen.'
156
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,439
'Another night in the bath.
157
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,000
'I really don't think you could
call my life a failure,
158
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,680
'look at that, I've got
a sleeping bag AND a duvet.'
159
00:08:12,079 --> 00:08:15,000
'If this was the olden days,
I'd be a billionaire.'
160
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,240
Jez, I'm fucked, Molly found
a wrap of coke in me pocket.
161
00:08:18,279 --> 00:08:20,480
Oh, man, so you're in the shit.
Yeah.
162
00:08:20,519 --> 00:08:23,319
Well, no, I had to
say it was yours, so...
163
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:27,240
you're in the shit. You take
the hit for me, mate? Please.
164
00:08:27,279 --> 00:08:29,800
She'll break it off
if she finds out I've been coke-ing.
165
00:08:29,839 --> 00:08:33,840
Jeremy? Is it true? The coke?
Yes, yes, it's mine.
166
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:39,360
I brought some coke to the stag,
even though Hans asked me
167
00:08:39,879 --> 00:08:43,200
not to, and... But he refused
to have any. Yeah.
168
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,799
He was like, "Come on!"
And I was like, "No, no."
169
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,879
Why was it in his pocket?
170
00:08:47,919 --> 00:08:51,039
Because he took it off me. Why? Why?
171
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,600
Because he was trying to...
172
00:08:53,639 --> 00:08:57,639
spike people and drug little kids,
and I was like, "No way, dude."
173
00:08:58,759 --> 00:09:02,759
Jez... Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm a spiker,
it's just one of my things.
174
00:09:04,759 --> 00:09:07,639
Yeah, he was like,
"Let's spike these shitheads",
175
00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:11,679
and I was like, "No way."
I couldn't see that happen. Spiking.
176
00:09:12,759 --> 00:09:15,799
I guess I'm just a terrible,
terrible shithead.
177
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,240
Look, we've put up with a lot with
you staying here...
178
00:09:18,279 --> 00:09:21,159
Yeah. ..but I think
if we want the lifestyle we want...
179
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,159
Yeah, look, sorry, Jez,
but you're a bad influence,
180
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,879
and, eh...I think you need to leave.
181
00:09:26,919 --> 00:09:30,320
Can't I stay one more night?
After everything I've done for you?
182
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,360
Not just in the past,
but like, REALLY RECENTLY.
183
00:09:33,399 --> 00:09:36,840
I'm sorry, Jez, but you broke...
You broke our trust.
184
00:09:36,879 --> 00:09:40,879
You're a liar, and a pervert,
and a scumbag,
185
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,700
and I never want to see you again.
186
00:09:45,879 --> 00:09:47,440
'Finally working at a bank,
187
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,799
'and banks have turned
into phone shops.
188
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,720
'But it is still a bank.'
189
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,440
'I'm the Wolf of Wall Street.
190
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,000
'Look out, Boots! I'm going
to by 100 meal deals
191
00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:58,039
'and eat them off a prossie
in the nude.'
192
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,519
Hey, hey, hey, Marco.
How you going, good buddy?
193
00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:03,039
Yeah, great, actually, old pal.
Oh, really?
194
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:04,933
I thought you might
be feeling like a guy
195
00:10:05,014 --> 00:10:07,000
who's just walked into
a high-class restaurant
196
00:10:07,039 --> 00:10:10,240
with a sausage dog on the end
of his dick. Er, no.
197
00:10:10,279 --> 00:10:13,279
I got something up all my visual
display unit this morning, Mark.
198
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,792
I thought it was a high-definition
photo of some dog shit.
199
00:10:15,871 --> 00:10:16,919
Then I took a closer look,
200
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,000
and I realised it was actually
your sales record. Oh.
201
00:10:20,039 --> 00:10:22,080
Right. I pulled strings
to get you in, Mark.
202
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,879
If you look like
a sausage dog fucker,
203
00:10:23,919 --> 00:10:26,399
then I look like a sausage
dog fucker. Do you get me?
204
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,679
'Got to get my dick out of the dog.'
205
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,840
Someone didn't get enough tomato
sauce on his bacon butty.
206
00:10:31,879 --> 00:10:35,879
Ha, yeah, he certainly needs
a little more sauce.
207
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:40,240
'Ugh, just repeating the joke.
I need to elaborate on the conceit!
208
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:42,600
'But too worried about redundancy.'
209
00:10:42,639 --> 00:10:44,840
Hello, how hard can
I shaft you today?
210
00:10:44,879 --> 00:10:48,840
'Jerry's sales record shits on mine.
I need to sell a loan.
211
00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:52,240
'Fuck, where's a good old-fashioned
gullible idiot when you need one?'
212
00:10:52,279 --> 00:10:56,279
Mark?
213
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,919
I felt a bit bad about the other
night, so I got you a biscuit.
214
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,440
I mean, they call them cookies,
215
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,720
but I know you prefer me
to call it a biscuit.
216
00:11:03,759 --> 00:11:07,759
Uh-huh. The good thing is
that to get, say, ?3,000,
217
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,519
you'd pay just 21% APR.
218
00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:13,039
Is that good?
It's pretty good, yeah.
219
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:16,919
And, er, you'd only need to repay
2% of the capital a month.
220
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,879
'If you want the loan
to last 184 years.'
221
00:11:19,919 --> 00:11:22,759
Three grand? Free?
It's not quite free...
222
00:11:22,799 --> 00:11:25,399
But I get it without having
to give you anything?
223
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,480
Yes. So basically,
it is free, really.
224
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,960
Yes, you've winkled me out.
It is basically free.
225
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,840
And the interesting thing about you
226
00:11:34,879 --> 00:11:38,000
is that you'd actually qualify
as an F6. That sounds good.
227
00:11:38,039 --> 00:11:40,639
It's a credit rating especially
for people like you.
228
00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:43,639
'The terminally ill and criminals
who might flee to Thailand.'
229
00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:46,559
Ooh, I've got a credit rating!
Yes, you have, Jez.
230
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,080
You have.
231
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,159
And to qualify for this loan,
232
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,600
all you need is a reference
from a landlord
233
00:11:52,639 --> 00:11:55,039
or a former landlord.
234
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,720
'Would you like to play capitalism?'
235
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,039
Great. And now I'm all signed up,
236
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,519
could we have a chat about
living arrangements?
237
00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:06,200
Yeah, I've moved out of Hans'.
238
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,240
So yeah, I'm considering something
really exciting -
239
00:12:09,279 --> 00:12:12,519
a night in one of the Royal Parks.
240
00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:15,240
Unless... 'Homeless Jeremy. No!
241
00:12:15,279 --> 00:12:17,519
'Harden the heart! I'm moving on.'
242
00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:20,480
Look, Jez, you wouldn't want
to live with me and Jerry.
243
00:12:20,519 --> 00:12:23,159
We're stick-in-the-muds
who like nothing better
244
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,840
than watching Civilisation
with Kenneth Clark
245
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,679
whilst eating artichokes
and sea bream.
246
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,600
No, great, good.
I'll be fine in the park
247
00:12:31,639 --> 00:12:33,919
till the loan comes through.
Anyway, thanks.
248
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,559
'There goes the first beat of
the butterfly wing
249
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,600
'that starts the next
financial meltdown.'
250
00:12:43,399 --> 00:12:46,519
6:45. There's a lot of evening,
isn't there?
251
00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:49,200
Without the goggle box.
Maybe we should treat ourselves.
252
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:53,240
Get back to the William Morris
documentary. Um, yeah.
253
00:12:53,799 --> 00:12:56,559
Brilliant. 'Ugh, more William Morris!
254
00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:00,600
'Wallpaper and worker's rights.
God, this is like the Dark Ages.
255
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,919
'Centuries and centuries with nothing
to look forward to except
256
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,960
'the slim possibility a Viking might
break down the door and rape me.'
257
00:13:09,159 --> 00:13:11,600
'Crush! Crush the candy.
258
00:13:11,639 --> 00:13:15,240
'So relentless, so satisfying
yet unsatisfying.
259
00:13:15,279 --> 00:13:19,279
'Like Cleopatra, Candy Crush makes
hungry where most she satisfies.
260
00:13:21,159 --> 00:13:25,159
'Crushing candy, quoting Shakespeare,
hiding in a toilet in my own home.
261
00:13:25,279 --> 00:13:28,480
'This is the confused high point
of Western civilisation.'
262
00:13:28,519 --> 00:13:29,679
Are you OK there, Mark?
263
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,080
Oh, fine, thanks, Jerry.
Shouldn't be too much longer now.
264
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,159
Take your time, mate.
I've paused it.
265
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:39,200
'ARRRGH! Thought I'd killed 20
minutes of Morris, but no!'
266
00:13:41,399 --> 00:13:44,279
Oh, hello, Mark.
Got time for a chat?
267
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,519
Er... 'Could just shut the door?'
268
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,840
Maybe you'd better come in
for a minute.
269
00:13:48,879 --> 00:13:50,679
'Has he read the loan small print?
270
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,759
'Yeah, right. He doesn't read
the large print.
271
00:13:53,799 --> 00:13:56,840
'But he might protect me
temporarily from Morris.'
272
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:59,159
'Look out, Mark. My brain's
got something in it,
273
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,000
'and you don't know what something.'
274
00:14:01,039 --> 00:14:03,399
Quite like to get back to
my reading, so...
275
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,840
Yes, so, Mark, did you know that
every time you play Candy Crush
276
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:09,440
on your phone you sent out
a Facebook invitation?
277
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:13,039
'Fucking Facebook! Zuckerberg's
fucked me again, that arsehole.'
278
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,519
I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
279
00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:17,639
I don't think you know
your settings very well.
280
00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:20,000
You're pumping out invites
every time you play.
281
00:14:20,039 --> 00:14:22,480
Perhaps I was hacked.
That happens a lot. It could.
282
00:14:22,519 --> 00:14:25,559
Mm. It just tends to happen
to people who have just sent
283
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,600
pictures of their cock on Twitter.
They're all hacked.
284
00:14:28,639 --> 00:14:31,320
Well, I can't think of
any other explanation.
285
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,519
Look, the problem for you is
286
00:14:33,559 --> 00:14:36,000
I'm your friend. I know you, Mark.
287
00:14:36,039 --> 00:14:38,399
I know you like to pretend that
you're this stuffed shirt
288
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,799
who reads incredibly boring books
about dead people killing each other
289
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,799
with bayonets and typhoid,
but I know the truth.
290
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,799
I've watched Grand Designs with you.
291
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:50,559
That smile when some eco-glass
gets delayed on its way
292
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,919
from Antwerp and the nice couple
gets pushed over budget.
293
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,000
That's the real you. 'It wasn't
Antwerp, it was Freiburg.'
294
00:14:57,039 --> 00:15:00,600
You're this pathetic human
who likes Twirls and Downton
295
00:15:00,639 --> 00:15:02,240
and Bond and burgers,
296
00:15:02,279 --> 00:15:04,559
so don't come the big guy with me,
297
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,600
because it won't fucking wash.
298
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:07,929
Mark, the embroidery is over.
299
00:15:08,009 --> 00:15:10,279
It's back onto the gold
- Rossetti and the seizures.
300
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,320
'I do want Octopussy and a Twirl,
301
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,240
'but I'm not giving him
the satisfaction.'
302
00:15:14,279 --> 00:15:18,279
Shall we? After you. I'm interested.
303
00:15:21,919 --> 00:15:24,919
Well, if you are going to stick around,
you might want to get a book out.
304
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,759
Yeah, well, I haven't got
Mr Nice with me.
305
00:15:26,799 --> 00:15:29,480
You're reading Mr Nice AGAIN?
There's a hell of a lot to it.
306
00:15:29,519 --> 00:15:32,279
And when I read it
I'm usually extremely high,
307
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,399
which makes it better,
but also means
308
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,000
that I've forgotten most of it,
309
00:15:36,039 --> 00:15:38,759
which is actually great, because
then it never gets boring.
310
00:15:38,799 --> 00:15:40,759
'Come on, nerd.
Raise the drawbridge.
311
00:15:40,799 --> 00:15:43,440
'King Jeremy's coming back
to his castle.'
312
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:44,919
Lovely and warm in here.
313
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,279
'Oh, God, he's going
for the thermostat.'
314
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,759
I take it you're a 23 degree guy,
Terry? Jerry. Whatever.
315
00:15:50,799 --> 00:15:53,399
Yes, I am. Mm. Must be
awkward for Mark.
316
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,200
He's a real 21 degree-er.
317
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:59,120
'The Aldi Poirot with his CBBC
magnifying glass.'
318
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,000
23 versus 21.
319
00:16:01,039 --> 00:16:04,120
It's like Israel versus Palestine,
isn't it? The endless beef.
320
00:16:04,159 --> 00:16:06,360
There's really no possible
compromise.
321
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:10,120
Mark and I often settle on 22.
22, yeah.
322
00:16:10,159 --> 00:16:11,799
Good. That's good.
323
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,960
Both one degree uncomfortable.
324
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:19,000
Right, who wants a nice cup
of the Kenco?
325
00:16:20,799 --> 00:16:24,519
Jerry said he doesn't want coffee.
He said he'd make his own later.
326
00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:28,559
He said, like he was joking, that
your coffee tastes like horse piss.
327
00:16:29,039 --> 00:16:32,320
But I don't think he was really
joking. Try a bit harder, Jeremy.
328
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,399
And then he hit me.
He did not hit you.
329
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,399
Look, Mark, you need to face facts.
Jerry's a wanker.
330
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:41,000
Kick him out and kick me back in.
No. Why not? No reason.
331
00:16:41,039 --> 00:16:42,480
Is this the Dobby thing?
332
00:16:42,519 --> 00:16:45,879
No. But is it? Of course it's the
fucking Dobby thing. I knew it!
333
00:16:45,919 --> 00:16:48,480
You tried to profess your love
to my girlfriend
334
00:16:48,519 --> 00:16:51,639
who I was trying to propose to.
You fucked up my life!
335
00:16:51,679 --> 00:16:53,399
So? What do you want me to do?
336
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:57,440
I want you to apologise! Fine!
337
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,440
Obviously I think we're both very
sorry about what happened. No dice.
338
00:17:03,039 --> 00:17:05,880
I'm really,
really sorry, Mark.
339
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,640
Say it properly, Jeremy!
340
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,759
I'm sorry.
Nope. All right, fine.
341
00:17:10,799 --> 00:17:13,839
I admit I shouldn't have
come on your picnic.
342
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,440
And?! What?!
343
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,079
Look, I'm sorry, all right? Finally!
344
00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:20,839
And if you like I'll lay
it on with a trowel
345
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,079
and tell you how I like you,
346
00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:25,519
I value you... 'Oh, Jesus,
he's going to say he loves me.'
347
00:17:25,559 --> 00:17:27,480
And even... Apology accepted.
348
00:17:27,519 --> 00:17:30,079
Well, thank you. Come on, Mark!
349
00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:32,880
We're into Kelmscott Manor
and the Icelandic landscape!
350
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,400
Maybe I do sometimes
wonder about Jerry,
351
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,680
but I've made my bed,
so I've just got to...
352
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,400
Well, maybe I can help with that.
353
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,160
'What's he doing?'
354
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:46,200
Mark, look, if you're really not
into the Willie Morris doc,
355
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,119
why don't we change gear?
The Sopranos?
356
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,599
Ruskin. Oh.
357
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,480
John Ruskin. Art patron, draughtsman,
358
00:17:54,519 --> 00:17:56,599
watercolourist and philanthropist.
359
00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:00,400
Yeah, listen, I'm afraid I have
an announcement to make.
360
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,960
I've discovered that in order
to keep himself interested with
361
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,000
all this garbage he pretends to
like, Jerry drugs his head off.
362
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,119
Don't be pathetic. I saw you
put something in your pocket.
363
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,519
I didn't like what I saw.
364
00:18:15,559 --> 00:18:19,119
Coke, Mark. Jerry is a cokehead
who loves to take coke.
365
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,279
No, you put that in there.
I took it out,
366
00:18:21,319 --> 00:18:24,359
which is a very, very
different thing.
367
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,839
No, you put it in earlier.
You put it in at an earlier time.
368
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:30,920
Oh, what a terrible thing to
accuse me of! Come on, Mark.
369
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,319
Tell him to knack off and we'll get
down to some Ruskin and a-readin'.
370
00:18:34,359 --> 00:18:38,359
The thing is, Jerry, I'm not sure
I could live with a drug head.
371
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,079
This is ridiculous. It's laughable.
372
00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:45,160
Why are you trying to get rid of me,
Mark? You don't believe him.
373
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:49,160
Maybe I'm not quite as interested in
William Morris as I thought I was
374
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,640
when you first started
to go on about him.
375
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:55,079
Why didn't you just say?
I can't just say things, Jerry!
376
00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,759
What if I don't want to go?
Well, we can't go back now.
377
00:18:57,799 --> 00:18:59,720
The atmosphere is soured.
378
00:18:59,759 --> 00:19:02,240
We have no choice. No, I can
live in a sour atmosphere.
379
00:19:02,279 --> 00:19:04,920
Well, I can't. 'Yes, you bloody can.'
Tough.
380
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,000
I'm going to go to MY bedroom now,
381
00:19:07,039 --> 00:19:11,039
and I will be coming
and going as I please.
382
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:16,279
What about going Litvinenko?
Kill him?
383
00:19:16,319 --> 00:19:19,039
With polonium? Not full Litvinenko.
384
00:19:19,079 --> 00:19:22,759
Just a little bit of something
debilitating in his pasta each night.
385
00:19:22,799 --> 00:19:26,400
Grind him down, weaken him,
till he's all pathetic
386
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,920
and you can just scoop him up
like a sick whippet
387
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,799
and dump him. Um...
388
00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:33,799
You might quite like tending him
389
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:36,319
as he grows weaker and weaker.
390
00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:40,359
"Here's your tea, Jerry.
God, you must get better soon."
391
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,319
"Oh, do sit up, Jerry,
392
00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:46,359
"while I spoon you some more of
this slightly silvery porridge."
393
00:19:49,559 --> 00:19:53,319
Should I keep my voice down? No,
he's an irritatingly sound sleeper.
394
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,599
Earplugs and eye mask, the full lot.
395
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:59,640
Well, we could start by just
moving his stuff out.
396
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,759
No. No, we couldn't.
397
00:20:02,799 --> 00:20:04,720
Could we?
398
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,039
OK, we're nearly there.
Last two.
399
00:20:08,079 --> 00:20:10,119
This doesn't feel good.
It's fine, Mark.
400
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,720
It's like a prank. Oi-oi.
401
00:20:12,759 --> 00:20:14,799
How's the ethnic cleansing going?
402
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,599
Hans? I thought it might be a good
idea to have some backup.
403
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,000
I owe Jez. He took a bullet for me.
404
00:20:20,039 --> 00:20:23,440
You, you're a pure chrome dildo.
Solid.
405
00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:27,200
Everything's out. What now?
406
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,559
We could tie him to
a hot-air balloon.
407
00:20:29,599 --> 00:20:32,240
Then he would drift away
out of the window.
408
00:20:32,279 --> 00:20:34,960
Erm... You like that?
The hot-air balloon?
409
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,920
Or...punch him? Hans?
What you looking at me for?
410
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,599
You punch him. Maybe you could sit
on him, intimidate him, yeah?
411
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:45,640
Fart on his face. Psychological
warfare. Yeah, grind him down.
412
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:49,400
Attack his beliefs. Yeah.
That, plus we fart.
413
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,240
What is this, farty Guantanamo?
414
00:20:52,279 --> 00:20:54,119
No, I...
415
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:58,160
I think we have to wake him up,
just tell him to leave, like men.
416
00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:02,359
Or... He is sort of bagged
for our convenience.
417
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,119
Hm! What? We could just...
418
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,279
bag him up and sling him out.
419
00:21:08,319 --> 00:21:10,440
'I'm definitely going
to agree to this.
420
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,119
'I just need to put up an acceptable
level of objection
421
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,079
'so I can be all reproachful
if it proves to be a disaster,
422
00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:18,119
'which it almost certainly will.'
No!
423
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,039
No way. No.
424
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:22,279
Well...
425
00:21:22,319 --> 00:21:26,319
OK, but on your heads be it.
Bag him, Hans.
426
00:21:28,519 --> 00:21:30,000
Argh!
427
00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:32,400
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
I got him. He's bagged.
428
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,440
You fucking... What's going on?!
Sorry, pal.
429
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,599
You are surplus to requirements.
Put him out.
430
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,240
I'm sorry, Jerry.
431
00:21:39,279 --> 00:21:41,079
Argh! Ow!
432
00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:43,400
Jez, I thought you were
going to grab the other end.
433
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:45,319
That's the normal way.
The normal way?
434
00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:48,000
None of this is normal!
I've got a verbal contract!
435
00:21:48,039 --> 00:21:50,440
He doesn't. You don't, Jerry.
Yes, I do!
436
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,279
Small claims court!
I'm not part of this, Jerry.
437
00:21:53,319 --> 00:21:55,519
Put him in the lift, Hans. The lift?
438
00:21:55,559 --> 00:21:58,079
Fucking hell. You got a wheelbarrow?
439
00:21:58,119 --> 00:21:59,680
Why are you doing this, Mark?
440
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,279
I want to read my Napoleon
correspondence
441
00:22:02,319 --> 00:22:05,880
AND watch Storage Hunters.
Does that make me a bad person?
442
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,319
Don't put me in the lift!
Stop wriggling.
443
00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,359
Should I give him a kick?
Don't kick him!
444
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,440
Do not kick me! Jerry, stay still.
445
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,400
This will all be over soon.
446
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,920
I'm being kidnapped!
All good here. It's just a prank.
447
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,759
It's hijinks. We're the Croydon
Bullingdon. It's not a prank!
448
00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:23,160
Shush, Jerry.
449
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,240
I'm calling the police! Shut it or
you're getting waterboarded.
450
00:22:26,279 --> 00:22:29,359
Do not bloody waterboard me!
I warned you.
451
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,680
Waterboard!
452
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,839
This is horrible!
453
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,720
You two, seriously - you need
to take a look at yourselves.
454
00:22:39,759 --> 00:22:42,119
He's right! Offensive behaviour!
In he goes.
455
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,559
This is against the
Geneva Convention!
456
00:22:44,599 --> 00:22:48,599
I'm contacting the
Citizens Advice Bureau!
457
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,559
'I'm back, baby. The bitch is back.'
458
00:22:51,599 --> 00:22:55,599
Bye, Jerry. See you at work tomorrow.
38362
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