All language subtitles for Krapopolis s01e18 War With the Roses.eng

- Sometimes I wonder why I give
speeches to the city at all.

A king's speech should be
the highlight of their week.

- Still mad they booed ya?

- I invented the boo.

Before me, everyone
wiggled their butts

To express disapproval.

- Honestly, I prefer it.

Mm, yes that's how
you disapprove of something.

- No, the boo is better,

But you can't use it
against the inventor.

Ooh, there should be
a super boo

To use against people
who are booing incorrectly.

- Stupid nature attacked
the city again.

- That's the fifth attack
this month.

What was it this time?
- The dam.

Some trees grew roots
under the river

And ripped the whole thing out.

- Damn it-pun not intended.
That dam was going to power

Wheat grinders
for the whole city.

- Man versus nature,
a classic struggle.

And I should know.
My man bits are constantly

Rejecting my nature bits.

Horrible rashes.

- It's those stupid
wood nymphs.

They're behind all of this.

- Come on.
W-we don't know that.

- So you think
the trees tore down

All our windmills on their own,

And wolves stole
all our hammers for fun,

And tiny bugs fly
into our mouths

All the time now
as a coincidence?

[choking]

- Just swallow it!

- [coughs]
and let the fly win?

Never!

- I don't understand.

We've had a truce for so long.

Humans stay in the city,
nature stays in the forest.

Humans who go in the forest
die horribly.

Plants brought inside
die from neglect.

Why would nature disturb
that balance?

- Maybe because we keep
expanding the city

Into the forest,
then use the trees we cut down

To build new houses where
we cook all the forest animals

And eat them
with the forest plants.

We're basically
a nature death machine.

- Listen to mr. Nature lover.

What, are you married
to a tree?

- I just see nature's
side of things.

- Well, it's beginning
to affect my numbers.

I'm down to 30%.

- I believe that's three.

- Doesn't each little person
here represent

10% of the population?

- No, each little person
represents a person.

Your approval rating is three.

- What?

Well, they should mean 5%,
at least.

Somebody make sure
that gets changed.

- I say we go to war with the
forest and wipe them all out.

I already had to chop down
the trees around the palace

'cause they were
releasing spores

To turn our servants
into zombie spies.

- Good thing
we caught them all.

What?
- [grunts]

Come here!

- You know,
I dated a tree once.

It didn't work out.

She wanted me
to put down roots.

[laughs]

- And no one's going
to boo that?

[dramatic lyre music]

♪ ♪

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[leaves rustling]
- [grunts]

Were you followed?

- Were you?

Fantastic sex,
as usual, daphne.

- No complaints here either.

- It's the perfect
arrangement-

Purely physical,
mutually beneficial.

- No danger of any
messy bonds forming.

- It's genius.

But that reminds me.

My brother's
at his breaking point

With these stupid
man-versus-nature skirmishes.

- Hippo.
- What?

- We agreed.

That's the one thing
we wouldn't talk about,

At least if we want
to keep doing this.

- Yeah, but that's just it.

If we don't figure
something out,

We're not gonna be able
to do this anyway

Because we'll be at war.

- That's true. My sisters
are all pissed off too.

Why are our families
so emotional and dumb?

- What's extra crazy is,
if it ever did erupt into war,

My mom would go
all vengeful god on the forest.

- And then pan would go
all vengeful god on the city.

- Exactly.
With a god on each side,

Any conflict would end in total
destruction on both sides.

If only we could make
our families realize that.

- Well, I have the ear
of my queen.

You have the ear of your king.

- If we could figure out a way

To bring 'em together
for negotiations

Without them knowing that's
what we're doing, of course...

- We could continue
this passionate, meaningless

Whatever you want to call it

Without a war
complicating things.

- You had me at river sex.

I want to call it river sex.

- And they want
to negotiate peace, really?

How did you hear about this?

- A little bird told me-

Literally, a little bird.

He said his name was marcus.

- Well, still not sure
it's wise

For me to meet with the enemy.

- They're not technically
the enemy yet.

Also, I wouldn't call them that
when they get here.

- Again with
the pro-nature talk.

- It's anti-war talk.

- Are you trying
to get me to hate you?

Because you're on
the right track.

- We can end this
before it gets out of hand.

- What do you call this?
We were clearing land

For a new squirrel grill,
and, wham!

A million scorpions took out
all my best guys.

- Squirrel grill?

- Are those poisonous?

- They're a pain in the ass
is what they are.

If anyone needs me,
I'll be with my army,

Going to war with nature.

- Not until we negotiate.

Are you okay?

- Why don't you let
my blood worry about that?

- We should leave war
on the table.

Wartime kings are very popular.

But peace has
its advantages as well.

Will daphne be joining
the negotiation?

- I don't know. Why?

- Peace might lead
to another kiss.

Did I mention that
daphne and I kissed once?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Yes.

- I know you're trying
to shame me,

But I'm just happy
everyone remembers.

- So when she gets here,
you bow and say,

"welcome, your majesty."

Are those cut flowers
on the table?

- She's from nature.
It's a gesture.

- A gesture that
you senselessly murdered nature

To decorate your house.

Get rid of them.
- By your analogy,

That's murdering someone
and then hiding the body.

Wouldn't it be better
to display the body

Out of respect?

- Enemy at the gate!

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- King tyrannis.

- Queen iris, welcome.

We'll sweep that up later.

- Typical human,
sweeping nature aside

Whenever you feel like it.

- Typical nature attitude,

Pooping on our nice
stone floor.

- Stupe, don't you have
an army to train?

- Yeah, we're learning
how to kill birds today.

- I've got a stork with a sword
with your name on it.

- [growling]
- we're here

To negotiate, remember?

- We'll negotiate
with the survivors.

- There won't be any survivors
once the gods get involved.

- Deliria!

- Pan!
- How long has it been?

- The war that wiped out
the felicians, I think.

- I never heard
of the felicians.

- Exactly.
Nature won that one.

Bye, felicians.

- Good news.
This fellow enjoys beer.

And if anyone needs us,
we'll be unreachable.

Come, bartleby.
[bartleby lows]

- So what can we do to make
peace between our nations?

- Humans must cease
all expansion into the forest.

- W-wh-uh,
what my queen means is-

- I'm running a civilization.

Expansion is part
of the package.

- So expand into the mountain.

- The mountain trolls
would love that.

- So you care about

The mountain trolls more
than the nymphs?

- I don't care
about any of you,

And I wish you were all dead!

- This is just how it started
with the felicians.

- Honestly, I prefer their city
as a giant flaming sinkhole.

- Look, let's all calm down.

Nature has some good points...

- [growls]
- but is also very bad.

Uh, bad where you see
where they're coming from.

I think daphne had
something to say.

- Why do you care?

Is something going on
between you two?

- No. I don't care

What the stupid tree girl
has to say.

- So that's
how you think of us?

Stupid tree girls?

- I think hippo was
trying to say-

- Hippo?
Since when are you

On a first-name basis
with the fish freak?

- That freak is my brother!

- Yeah, only we can
call him freak.

And do you think
"campus" is a surname?

- Look, the fact is,
we can hate each other

All we want,
but if we go to war,

The gods will get involved,
and we'll all die.

So we need to find a way
to coexist.

- Why would we get involved?

- Because you're the god
protector of the city,

Because any attack on the city
is an attack on you.

- I get the logic
of what you're saying,

But I don't feel it.

- Pan, protector of nature,

Surely any attack on nature
would be met by you

With swift
and total annihilation.

- Swift and total?
I mean, I'll dabble in war,

But it's so much more fun
to watch.

- Even if the forest
is destroyed?

- I'll build a new forest.

What's a thousand years?

- About a thousand years longer

Than it took them
to build this city.

- Hang on.
So the only reason we weren't

Destroying nature is because
that god would crush us.

But now he's saying
he doesn't care?

- No, that's not
what he's saying.

- It's the gist.

- [grunts]
- [groans]

- Look, their god
didn't do anything.

- But she's about to.

- She certainly is not.

- Well, this meeting gave us
all a lot to think about.

Thank you for your time.
We'll just-

- Jacob? Curtis? Anthony?

The time for negotiation
is over!

- This is why I said
"enemies at the gate."

- No, wait!

Whoa!
- [yells]

- This is fine.
We can still save this.

- [grunts]

- [growling]

To war!

- Or not.

- [screams]

- No, please don't.
Please-aah!

- And so passed the second war
of man versus nature.

There were many battles.

Man versus nymphs.

Man versus bears.

Boy versus tree.

Man versus horse while
three dogs and a rabbit watch.

Stupendous led the army of man

And found an equal
in her rival, thea.

- [groans and grunts]

- King tyrannis adopted
a new persona

The local vases called
war king,

Enjoying 90% approval
from the people.

He also grew a beard,
which got 5% approval.

And hippo served
as a strategist,

Devising weapons and tactics

To defeat nature
with brutal efficiency.

[all gasp]

- Ooh, sorry.

I've got a weapon to take care
of your mud monster rival.

I call it a jar.

Just scoop her into this
and close the lid.

Problem solved.

- Cool.
- None of this is cool,

Aside from my beard,
which is very cool.

- Falcon!

- Don't mind me,
just grabbing some snacks.

- Mother, can you not fly
into the castle

As something from nature while
we're being killed by nature?

- But everything that flies
is from nature.

It's a huge advantage.

It was a terrible idea
to fight them.

- And it would be a great idea
for you to help us.

- If I intervened every time
there was a war in the city,

You'd never learn anything
and I'd never get any me time.

- You realize we could die
in this war,

And you would feel
so, so, so sad.

- Oh, don't be so dramatic.

Human with wings.

You see?
You see how stupid this looks?

Eagle.

- I'm glad someone is having
a good time.

- Aren't you, like,
more popular than ever?

- Yes, but it's mostly
because all the people

Who hated me were in the army,
and they're mostly dead now.

- I've had to recruit
a lot of children.

- My point is,
we can't go on like this.

We need to do something
bold, decisive,

Recklessly permanent.

- What, like poison
the mouth of the river

That feeds the forest, killing
all the trees and plants

And the wildlife that eats
the trees and plants?

- Can you do that?

- I can do anything.

The question of whether
I should is more of a-

- Do it!
- Yes, do it, please.

- Do we really have to go
this deep into the forest?

- That depends.

Do you want to poison
the mouth of the river

Or some middle point in the
river that doesn't matter?

- Do you have to answer
an honest question

In such an insulting way?

- Wait!
Don't step there.

The smooth stones are traps.

- How did you know that?

- I just know things.

- [groans]

[eerie music]

[birds chirping]

- Sparrows.

Run!

[people screaming]

[panting]

[yells]

- [panting]

- Hippo, it's been a while.

- What are you doing
down here, daphne?

We said things we learned
while we were together

Were off limits.

- Mm, like the location
of our traps?

- So I know about the traps.

You seriously expect me
to walk straight into one

Out of respect
for our relationship?

This is a violation.

My secret bunker?

- [scoffs] oh, please.

I know how to be an adult.

I came here because you're
clearly holding grudges

And playing dirty because
you're an emotional person.

What were you doing
this deep in the woods, hippo?

- Nothing.
I-

- [grunts]

- Careful with that.

It's plant poison.

- It's what?

What were you gonna do?

- Okay, okay, I know it looks
potentially bad, but-

[both grunting]

[yells]

- Not seeing
a lot of poisoning.

[swords clashing]
- we got ambushed by sparrows.

- Aah!
- Don't worry, I got even.

- The mission failed?
Where's hippo?

- Not sure.
Probably in one of his tunnels

We're not supposed
to know about.

- This war is never
going to end.

- Not without an act of god

That the gods don't seem
to care about doing.

[both laughing]
- I forgot we had elephants

In this forest.

[elephants trumpeting]

- [grunts]

[elephant trumpets]

- Mother, are you really
just going to sit there

While a war with nature
ravages our city

And my approval ratings?

- I hadn't realized you cared.

Yes, I am.
- Unless she has to go

And get more milk and honey.

Someone here has a sweet tooth.

- You had just as much
milk and honey as I did.

- Haven't you heard
of divine intervention?

Why would that even be a term

If the divine
don't ever intervene?

- We intervene when it matters.

- And when is that?

- When something
personally offends us.

- Or on a dare-

- From a god we respect.

- Right, a respected god dare.

Even then, you run the risk
of making zeus mad,

And nobody wants that.

It's safer just
to stay out of it.

- I dare you
to tell him about zeus.

- We said "respected god dare."

But what about zeus?

- Why don't we see what's going
on the other side of the war?

- Are you trying
to change the subject?

What don't you want me
to know about zeus?

- Tell him, mom.

- Yeah, tell him, mom.

- How dare you trivialize
motherhood?

- And that's how you-

- [grunts]

- How you what?
Send mom on a rampage?

- [panting]

- [grunts]

This is for the deer
and the pelicans

And the blackberry bushes.

- I didn't touch
the blackberry bushes.

I love blackberries.

[grunts]
[glass shatters]

- You're lucky
I don't kill you.

- Go ahead.

- God, don't be such a baby.

I'll get your spare helmet.

- This is my spare.

- Well, it would serve you
right if I just left you here.

- I don't care.

I don't need anybody.

That's why this place exists.

- Great, bye.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[groans]
just tell me how to help you.

- There's an emergency
backup spare

In my emergency backup bunker.

- You have a bunker
in your bunker?

- Does that seem like
it was overkill,

Miss comes over
whenever she wants?

Thanks.
The spare is over by the tree.

Then you can go.

- Why is this here?

- Uh, aesthetics?

- The exact species of tree
I need to survive?

- Damn it, I like you.

- Well, I like you too.

- Oh, man.

[pleasant harp music]

[water splashes]

[both moaning]

- Ah! Ah!
[elephant trumpets]

- Well, crap.

- Yeah.
- How did this happen?

We were the smart ones!

It was meaningless sex.

- At some point,
I guess it changed.

- Probably when we started
making eye contact.

- That was an amazing day.

[gasps]
crap, that was the day.

What do we do?
- I don't know,

But I know I don't want
to stop doing this.

- Well, hold on.
We're practical people.

What's the thing that we really
don't like about being-

Ugh-emotionally entangled?

- We can't control it.

- Exactly.
So if we're smart,

We accept it because
what other option do we have?

- You're right.
That's the scientific way.

We say, here's what we know,
and we move forward.

- That's nature's way too.

We don't sit around whining

About soil content
of our biome.

We take the information
and grow accordingly.

- This is kind of a relief.

I mean, I guess we were just
putting a lot of energy

Into avoiding this,
and now we can just

Convert that energy
into something else.

- There's certainly plenty of
other stuff we can worry about,

Like the fact that there's
a war going on.

- I don't want you going
back up there.

- I don't want you
going back up there.

Unless-
- we go back up there together

And stop the war
because you're my girlfriend.

[loud crashing]
[both scream]

Oh, god!

- I always wondered
if gods had-

- They do, they really do.

- Anyway, you were saying-

- Too much.

I love you.

Let's stop a war.

- Deliria, what are you doing?

That's my flora and my fauna!

- I have been insulted,

And that outweighs anything
and everything else,

Including anything
we happen to have been

Talking about
when the offense occurred.

- At least stomp
another part of the forest.

That grove is home
to the last of the dodos.

- How dare you tell me
where to stop?

- Pulling mother in
may have been a mistake.

- Are you kidding?
We finally got 'em on the run.

Stomp those birds!

- Go, wife!

[birds chirping]

- You're just gonna
let her drive

A precious bird to extinction?

No one wants to live
in a world without the dodo.

Do something.

- That's it,
no more mr. Nice god.

- Oh, is that
what you're known for?

I thought it was rodents
and lazy, improvised music.

- Lazy?

- [grunts]

- Mom, grow taller than him,
then fight back!

- That's actually
a really good idea.

- Kill everything
with feathers or fur!

[grunting]

- [grunting]

[flies buzzing]

- [whimpers]

[crowd scuffling]

- We're gonna need
a bigger negotiation table.

- Mom, stop!

We can resolve this amicably!

- How would you like it
if I insulted your horns?

- The idea that there's
anything to insult

Is incredibly insulting.

- Well, good.

- She can't hear me.

- They're all past
hearing reason.

- Maybe shocking them
will get their attention.

- What do you have in mind?
- Kiss me.

- But you can't
take your bowl off here.

- Kiss me through the glass.

- Really? Won't that be weird?

- Exactly.

Just think about river sex.

[both moaning]

[creature chirring]

- It's working.
Keep going.

- My and your pleasure.

- [moaning]

- Daphne?

- Hippo?

- Hang on.

Are they not fighting
down there?

You have to do some work

Or I'll just step
on all of you.

- Is that your son
and my forest daughter?

- Hippo?
You better be hurting her.

- I'm not.

I don't think I am.

Am I?
- Nope.

[crowd grumbling]

- Hippo, why are you kissing
daphne through glass?

- We're proving
that life is messy.

You're all choosing fighting
over coexisting

Because it's safer.

But look where it leads.

- But why are you kissing her
through glass?

- Real bravery comes
from doing something imperfect

And fixing it as you go,
because it's worth it.

And that's what
humans and nature have to do,

Build a world together with
all the messiness that entails

Because we need each other.

- This is gross

But also inspiring?

- Daphne, does this mean
you're not interested

In going on a date later?

- Oh, no, I'm not.

- Okay.

Honestly, it's just nice
to have closure.

- You can have
your sister back.

I think the mouth jar
has a red lid.

- The war is over.
From this day forward,

Nature and man will coexist,

Seeking an ever
more perfect union

Which we will likely achieve
in 10 to 20 years.

[crowd cheers]

- You know, we didn't
actually solve anything.

- We solved us.

We'll figure out the rest
as we go.

And in the meantime,
how about we say,

Uh, humans can camp
in the woods

To make sure
nature isn't overstepping

And dogs will live
with humans to spy on 'em.

- They already do that.
- All right.

Cats?
- Deal.

[soft futuristic music]

- Are you depressed?

Is making your way in the world

In the present taking
everything you have?

Then you need to come down
to the yak shack.

- [lows]

- That's right,
krapopolis' newest bar

Is co-owned by man and nature

And the perfect place
to forget your sorrows

And also your joys,

Whether you're a human man
or a bearish bear.

- [lows]

- That's right, bartleby.

And don't forget,
here at the yak shack,

Your first and tenth beer
are free.

I should know.
I'm not just the owner,

I'm also the customer.

♪ ♪

- What was that?
And why did we have

To stand here
for the whole thing?

- Who cares?
The tenth beer is free!

[crowd cheers]

- Did you get any of that?

- Bento.
[all cheer]

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