All language subtitles for Davey and Jonesies Locker s01e08 Into the Schneiderverse.eng

[ominous music playing]

[computer beeping]

[judge] Cheryl Mason,
you are hereby demoted.

[Cheryl]
I used to work in an elite

delinquent acquisition
task force.

[judge] For the rogue use
of unsanctioned technology...

[Cheryl] But after being
betrayed, I was demoted.

You're crazy!

[Mr. Schneider]
I am not crazy!

[judge]
Leading to the disappearance

of asset Amelia Earhart.

[Andy]
Are you still on that case

with those two teen girls?

[Cheryl] Sent to the Juvenile
Department to rot...

to rot, to rot,
to rot, to rot...

[laughing] Oh, really?

Okay, well,
not if I see you first.

[woman laughing]

I'm gonna hold you to that,
Nancy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hey, office buddy.

Oh, it's Simon from Delinquent
Processing's 170th birthday.

There's cake. Gluten-free!

You know, Cher bear...

it wouldn't kill you
to make some friends

with people at the office.

Other than me, of course.

I didn't get to where I am today
by making friends.

I mean...

yeah!

Yeah.

[computer chimes]

[computer]
Anomaly detected.

[Andy] Are you sure
you wouldn't like me

to take over that case for you?

We could do a swapsies.

I really don't mind.

[slurps]

[smacks lips]

[school bell rings]

[Mr. Schneider]
Why am I not surprised to hear

that you've caused
yet another anomaly?

Because it's our
signature move?

[laughs] Like...

Do you have any idea
how many Schneiders

have been turned
into sea cucumbers now?

Forty-three.

Not to mention the ones who've
been injured thanks to you.

Just look at Pig Latin
Schneider.

[groans]

I'm ine-fay, I'm ine-fay.

The rules of his universe
were simple: speak pig Latin.

We didn't have any problems
with the pig Latin.

It was the dark undercurrent
of misogyny that we bumped on.

I mean, seriously, in what world
does speaking pig Latin

and hunting women for sport
go together?

[all] This one!

[Bard Schneider]
We cannot go on like this.

Knowing you has become
a plague on our houses.

- [all chattering]
- Oh, come on.

That's our thing.

You tell us to blend in,
we say yes,

and then don't for very
legitimate reasons,

havoc ensues,
you fix the portal,

and then you know what
in the end,

we're all better for it.

Yeah, it's the basis
of our friendship.

Let's get one thing straight.
You are not our friends.

You are our burden.

Unless you think we like
having our lives ruined

by two inconsiderate, ignorant,
insubordinate teenagers.

This is why we Schneiders feel

it might be best for everyone
if we just turn you in.

- Turn us in?
- Oh, oh, really? Okay.

You all feel that way?

[chatter of agreement]

Thanks to your interference

in that weird oranges world,

Cheryl already knows
of our involvement.

But if we comply with MOM,

they might be more lenient
with us.

- I'm gonna say something.
- Go ahead. Yeah, say it.

When we first met you,

we thought you were
kind of a butthead.

But as we got to know
you we were like,

"Hmm, maybe there's
more to him."

And it turns out our intuition
was right as usual.

Yup. You're just a big butthead.

A big [bleeping] butthead.

[all gasp]

That's the smartest thing

I've ever heard you say.

- Eryl-Chay. I... I...
- [Cheryl] Save it.

So this is how
you figured it out, Stephen.

Found a way to communicate
with your other selves

across the multiverse.

I don't think that's ever
been done before.

It actually hasn't,
so, ank-thay ou-yay.

[Cheryl]
It wasn't a compliment.

This was the final piece
of evidence I needed

to solidify my case against you.

And once I finally
rid the multiverse

of Davey and Jonesie's chaos,

I can convince MOM
de-syncing you wasn't enough.

Anything for a promotion,
right, Cheryl?

[intense music playing]

Okay, seriously, what is
the backstory between you two?

Nothing but ancient history.

No.

Ah!

E-way aught-cay an oman-way!

[laughs]

I don't like Mark
in this universe.

Ere-sthay oo-tay ore-may!

Um...

Et-gay em-thay! Et-gay em-thay!

[grunts]

Stephen!

Stephen!

- Is it working?
- How am I supposed to know?

I'm smashing all the buttons!

- [Mark] Ere-thay!
- Come on. Come on!

Omen-way otted-spay.

[Jonesie]
Oh! Oh, okay!

After you, madame.

[Jonesie] Thank you.

Huh?

[both scream]

[both gasping]

Do you think it's a problem
went through with this thing?

Yeah, probably, but I'm sure
this world's Schneider

will be happy to tell us why.

Can you believe those guys?

No, like, I knew he was low-key
the worst,

but I didn't think
he was actually, like...

- [Davey] Like, the worst?
- Yeah.

How are we ever supposed
to trust him now?

I don't know,
But I'll tell you something.

I'd be happy if I never
saw another Schneider again.

[indistinct chatter
and laughter]

[both] No.

♪ The Hurdy Gurdy Man ♪

♪ Came singing songs of love ♪

Happy Schneider Day, friends!

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy
Hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy
Hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪

- We're in hell.
- [sheep bleating]

Do you hear sheep?
I hear sheep.

Is that Davey and Jonesie 6689?

Welcome to my paradise.

What universe are we in?
Also, why is that you?

Oh, you don't need
to lower your voice here.

I don't hide anything
from my friends.

Aren't you worried
you're gonna cause--

An anomaly? No.

We don't worry
about such trivial things here.

Walk with me
and all will be revealed...

by me.

As in, I will tell you.

Yeah, that made sense, right?

♪ Histories of ages past ♪

When I was de-synced, a version
of me was sent to this world.

What's up, Ulrich?

But it was very simple,
it was basic, it was agrarian,

it was riddled with plague,
basically medieval.

A medieval school,
but in the modern city.

- I wouldn't overthink it.
- Okay.

[Mr. Schneider]
So I tried to blend in.

I didn't want
to cause an anomaly,

even though there wasn't really
any science here to speak of.

The only classes were
butter churning, sheep shearing,

and witch spottings.

Very superstitious people.
What's up, Prudence?

Get it, girl!

One day I was on a call
with other Schneiders.

And you know
what that looks like.

A hologram, right?

So another teacher walks in,
sees me doing this, freaks out.

She thinks
I'm doing black magic.

And I might have said
that I was a god.

[angelic chanting]

- A god?
- I didn't say "God."

I said "man from the sky,"

and they just kind of
went with it,

so they've been worshiping me
adoringly ever since.

But, you know,
I've rewarded them handsomely

with things
like modern medicine,

and electricity,
and indoor plumbing.

- Ah, ah, O'Sullivan.
- [Jonesie] Oh, my God.

Remember we talked about
the fundamentals of hygiene?

- Come on.
- [Davey] Okay.

- There we go. Attaboy, kiddo.
- [Davey] That's disgusting.

I'm okay.

So it's just like,
how are you not getting caught?

Do you know what I mean?
Shouldn't MOM be all over you

Yeah, isn't this like
Anomaly City?

If Anomaly City
was a medieval town.

In a school.

Very astute, girls.

It's a great grasp
of multiversal law.

See, before the teacher who
spotted me could tell anyone,

I built a signal jammer,

which takes us
off MOM's radar completely.

We're totally undetectable here.

In fact, the only reason
that you were even able

to get here was because of that.

Going through a portal
with a portal device

must have caused
an energy burst so powerful

that it temporarily rejuvenated

my previously decommissioned
pathway and... listen to me!

I must sound so boring
right now.

You know science, right?
A bit of a snooze.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay, so, no offense,

but how are you this,
like, nice and cool?

Because in every other universe,
you've been...

Like an arrogant,
self-centered misanthrope

who wouldn't know a good time
for a bit him on the ass?

- Yes.
- Took the words in my mouth.

That's a bummer,
but I gotta say,

I'm not surprised, you know,

because I have listened in on
some of these Schneider calls,

and only a very sad man
wouldn't be totally enamored

with the hilarious hijinks
you two have been up to.

Right? Finally, someone said it
other than me a million times.

Duh!
[laughs]

Listen, why don't you spend
the day as my personal guests?

I have been dying to hang with
the infamous Davey and Jonesie

of 6689.

Let's kick it, shall we?

Okay, I know we say this a lot,
but are we dead?

Yeah, I mean, yeah,
actually, we're busy.

Not! Like, yes!
Let's kick it!

- [laughs]
- [Jonesie] And he loves it.

- Check this out.
- [both] Okay.

I want to make a candle.

Yes!

Oh, no.

- [Davey] Oh, my God!
- [laughing] Oh, no!

[excited chatter]

I did it, I did it.
That is so funny!

[all cheering]

[both laughing]

- I think it's ready.
- It's done? Okay.

Oh, butter!

- Mm!
- Mm!

Oh, la crema.

[all laughing]

[Davey]
I could do this forever.

[Jonesie] I know.
I'm not even getting dizzy.

- To us.
- [both] To us.

- [glasses clink]
- Hear hear!

Oh, wow.

- Please help yourselves.
- You spoil us.

Bite into it, huh?

[all] Mm!

And I said,
"No, that's penicillin."

[all laugh]

Yeah, is this thing on?

[laughing]

[Mr. Schneider]
That's excellent work, Sierra.

Oh, thank you, oh great one!

[laughs]

[Mr. Schneider] All right.

Oh! I have not had that much fun
with a friend since my MOM days.

You know, the people here
are cool and all, absolutely.

Don't get me wrong.

But they don't
have your sense of humor.

Or your grasp of toilets.

I know. I have to admit,
today was actually really fun.

Yeah, man, like, you're cool.

None of the other Schneiders
want to hang with us.

- They wanted to turn us in.
- What?

- [Davey] Yeah!
- Bunch of [bleeping] buttheads!

- That's exactly what I said!
- Thank you!

And, yeah, there are some
undeniable cult-like vibes here.

But, you know, everyone seems
to be genuinely happy.

Even Sierra, our...
our table.

[Mr. Schneider]
Oh, they are. They are.

And you will be too
once you settle in.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Wait. What?

Oh, did I forget to mention?

You get to stay
in my paradise forever!

Yay!

Anyways, come on.
Come on.

[Davey] Not that we're not
overjoyed to be stuck here,

but why?

Well, I can't have you
running off

and blabbing to the other
Schneiders about me.

You see, I'm not just hidden
from MOM here.

I'm hidden from me.
I'm a drag, man.

You know? Stuck in the past.

Embittered. Alone.

Whereas here, I've been able
to get past all that.

And I have a healthy
state of mind.

- I have healthy friendships.
- Okay, and by friendships,

do mean people
who never question you

because you convinced them
that you're a straight-up god?

Tomato? Yes.

I mean, you said it yourselves.
The other Schneiders--

Hey, are the absolute pits,

and I have no interest
in regressing

by resyncing with them
because I--

How you doing?

Am a new
and beautiful Schneider.

I'm relaxed, I'm enlightened,
and I'm 100% well-adjusted.

Absolutely.

- But--
- Ooh, don't like that word.

- But--
- Oh, there it is again.

- Yeah, but it's just that--
- Enough!

You're never leaving,
so don't ask again, okay?

Geez, I thought
we're friends, guys.

Friends don't leave, question,
or disagree with friends.

Right, Prudence?

That's my girl.

Right! Right on.

Yes...

- Oh! Absolutely.
- Oh, I just...

And you've convinced us.

[both] We love it here!

What? This place is awesome
and I don't ever want to leave.

And I want to stay here
and eat all those carrots,

um, which is why we are actually
gonna take a quick private sec

to say goodbye to our old,
gross, awful lives

that we don't want
to live anymore.

And then we're gonna come
right back

and we're gonna do
a whole lot of this stuff.

All right. Do you.
But hurry back.

I got more righteous hangs
planned.

[Jonesie] Oh, can't wait.

So we may have overestimated

- how cool this Schneider is.
- Oh, big-time.

But who knew that treating
an ego-driven genius

like an unquestioned deity would
actually make him much worse?

And I heard it. Yup, I heard it.

[Davey] If the other Schneiders
knew that we were trapped here,

then they'd have
to come help us, right?

Yes, and they would get us home
so they can use the portal

for their own selfish reasons,

but that's assuming they
don't turn us in first.

I can't believe I actually
miss them right now.

How are we gonna manipulate
this Schneider

into turning
on his hologram thing?

[all] All hail Schneider.

All hail Schneider.
All hail Schneider.

Asked and answered.

This one's gonna hurt.

[all laughing]

If the other Schneiders
could see us right now,

they would be so jealous, right?

[laughs]

Totally! This world rules!

And so do you!

You have like the best aura

of all the Schneiders
I've ever met.

And I think that it's because
you're so, uh...

- Enlightened?
- Oh, yes!

Took the word
right out of my mouth.

[excited chatter]

[all cheering]

Too bad the other Schneiders
can't see what you've built.

Oh, they could learn a lot

from how disturbingly
well-adjusted you are.

You know what?
You make a good point.

To the lab.

[keys rattle]

[sighs]

It's a bit of a dump.

Yeah.

All right.

That must be the jammer device

that stops this world
from being detected.

Oh, let's see here.

What do we have? A holopen?
Oh, here's one.

- Hmm.
- Let's see if it works.

- Ah, here we go.
- You two!

[Bard Schneider]
We can call off the search.

Davey and Jonesie
are in universe... 9999?

Sheep Boy Schneider.

[all snicker]

We haven't heard from you
in many a fortnight.

No, I've really missed
your delightful nickname for me,

but I've actually
had much bigger fish to fry,

like pulling a civilization
out of the dark ages.

- Might want to try it sometime.
- Hmm. Good one.

Okay, so what's the story here,
sheep boy?

Need help sending Davey and
Jonesie to their next universe?

Oh, no. They would much rather
stay here with me.

Wouldn't you, girls?

- Yup.
- Yes.

Oh, my God, yes.

Know why?
Because you're damaged goods.

You are totally washed up.

You're unable
to embrace the "now."

Whereas I have completely
transcended all of that.

And I'm 100% well-adjusted.
Right, girls?

- Yep.
- Yep.

They've taught me
a couple things.

The most important being

that I am the superior
Schneider.

You'll never be on my level, guys.

It's hardly a tragedy, babe.

And why instead
of letting you re-sync,

I'm gonna build a new device

and purge the multiverse
of your inferiority

by killing you all and becoming
the one true Schneider.

- Uh...
- [gasps]

- Fie.
- [growls]

- Wait, what?
- Don't be modest, girls.

It was basically your idea.
Anyway, later, losers.

Okay.

All right, so,
what should we do now?

Shear some sheep?

I know it's playing
into the nickname a little bit,

but it's actually kind of fun.

How can you just kill

all the other versions
of yourself?

Oh, easily.

They might be selfish, and rude,
and weird,

and not that friendly,
and bad at communicating...

- Find the point.
- Okay, but they're you.

And you can't just do murder!

Of course I can.

I mean, how do you think
I stopped that teacher

from telling everyone about me
before I could build the jammer?

- You're crazy!
- I am not crazy!

I am not crazy.

I'm starting to think
maybe you two are the ones

who need enlightening.

Keep them out of my lab.

I'm gonna be very busy in here.

And I don't mean to be vague.

I'm gonna be busy building
the Schneider-killing device.

- Yes. Obviously!
- Yes, that was what we thought.

Okay. Sometimes it's--

In case you didn't know...

Good. Take them away.

No one calls me crazy.

Oh! Hey there, office buddy.

Oh, no luck again, hey?

What happened?

[shrieks]

I was temporarily detained.

[Andy] Your screen was going
cuckoo while you were gone,

so those girls must have caused
quite a stir somewhere.

[suspenseful music playing]

[computer beeping]

[Cheryl]
Where were the anomalies?

Did you write down the universe?

No, sorry.

You were just so adamant
that you didn't want any help

that I didn't want overstep.

- [sighs]
- Why is that, by the way?

I feel like there's some
very specific backstory

you never want to talk about.

[sighs]
The girl's got baggage.

Once you finish stuffing
the straw effigies,

you can start carving
the stone effigies.

if there's one thing
we need more of,

it's effigies of our benevolent
leader for Schneider Day.

[eerie music playing]

Is every day Schneider Day?

Yes. Yeah.

That checks out.

I can't believe that we're stuck
with a Schneider

so much worse
than all the others.

I know, at least the other
Schneiders

had the decency
to suck up front.

I mean, they did
have their good moments.

[funky music playing]

[inaudible]

[screams]

Aw!

[cackling]

God, I love those sloppy
little guys.

We have to save our Schneiders.

But how are we going to take out
this Schneider

to save the other Schneiders?

We just need the one person

that hates Schneider

more than he hates
himself-slash-she hates us.

You're saying we intentionally
cause an anomaly

to bring Cheryl here
to save the Schneiders.

That is a reckless twist
on our classic formula,

and I love it.

Okay, we just need
a diversion big enough

to keep Schneider out of the lab

so that we can turn off
the jammer.

- [shrieking]
- [mouse squeaking]

A rat bit me.

[gasps]

You know what that means.

A tetanus shot?

He needs to be sacrificed.

Tough. But fair.

Schneider was right.

They're extremely
superstitious here.

Which might work
to our advantage.

- Witch hunt?
- Let's go.

- [mechanism whirrs]
- [Mr. Schneider chuckles]

Nailed it.

You're welcome, multiverse.

[Jonesie] In here!
In his secret sorcery lab!

- [all, chanting] Kill the witch!
- Schneider's a witch!

He tricked us
with his sky magic!

[screams]

[panting]

All right, you think this little
stunt is gonna dethrone me

and save the Schneiders,
you got another thing coming.

My people, I'm no witch.

I gave you clean water.
Yeah? Yeah?

Took away your dysentery.
Remember that?

[confused chatter]

He took our dysentery!

- Get him!
- [all shout]

Sheep! Oh, look...

[all]
Kill the witch! Kill the witch!

Kill the witch! Kill the witch!

[Davey] Yeah, kill the witch.

Whew!

Once again, I'm not proud of us
for exploiting

the inherently sexist prejudice
against witches.

Same. But in this case...

[both laugh]

Okay, so we're really
gonna do this.

Risk getting caught by Cheryl.

Spend the rest of our lives
worshiping Schneider--

[electricity crackles,
powers down]

That felt so obvious.

- I just felt all the anxieties.
- I was like, whoo!

And yeah,
and I'm gonna do that.

- Okay, so did it work?
- Um...

Wait, wait, wait! This Schneider
made himself a god,

and he's going to kill
all the other Schneiders.

- You're lying.
- We're not! He's crazy!

You're crazy!

I am not crazy!

[door opens and closed]

Seriously,
what is their backstory?

I don't even want to start to--
Just find the pen.

- I don't know. I don't know.
- Okay. I'm like, what if...

- Did they go to camp together?
- Okay, uh, no, no, no.

Found one! Yes, yes, yes!
I got it, I got it!

- [laughs] Oh!
- You two!

- Aw!
- Classic Schneider. "You two."

Just when I think you've hit
the peak of chaos,

you managed to ascend
to Olympus itself,

getting all of us murdered,
I mean, really--

Yeah, and I'm over it again.
[laughs]

Okay, hey, shut up, shut up.

We actually saved you from
yourself, so you're welcome.

Really? How?

Oh, we got all of his worshipers
to go against him.

And then we sicced Cheryl
on him.

Wait. Cheryl's there now?

You have to go immediately.
It was hard.

And we all had to work together,
which was also hard,

but we managed to boot up
the portal for you remotely.

You did? All of you?

But I thought you were gonna
turn us in

because after all,
you're not our friend, right?

About that, uh...

I'm sorry for what I said
earlier.

We were never really
going to turn you in.

I spoke a bit harshly,
so, kind of my thing.

Aw, supervillain Schneider.

You knew that you always
loved us.

I absolutely did not say that.

Okay.

The point is, thank you.

Okay, well,
what are you waiting for?

The okay from your agents?
Go to the locker. Go.

- Copy that. See you later.
- Later.

[mob, chanting]
Kill the witch! Kill the witch!

Kill the witch!

[beeping]

Finally.

- [Cheryl] Nope.
- [gun cocks]

Cheryl. Cheryl.

I guess Davey and Jonesie
turned off my jammer.

You know, I'm starting to see
why the other Schneiders

are so annoyed with them.

They really are agents of chaos.

So, what's this?

You're bringing me in
for a few lousy anomalies?

You're mad I'm gonna
kill the Schneiders? [scoffs]

I mean, I thought you
of all people

would be into that.

Unless you...

Cheryl, can we just talk--

[sighs]

[panicked screaming]

There is no god!

[shrieks]

[upbeat music playing]

[screams]

So, lost them again, huh?

You just can't catch a break.

Oh, well,
I hate to add to the load,

but this just came for you
from upstairs.

I guess the brass want
to discuss your job performance

and overall lack of results?

[electronic pop music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[laughter]

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