All language subtitles for bobs.burgers.s12e10.1080p.web.h264-ing

♪ ♪

Good morning, little elves
on all the shelves.

Time to start the day right
with a visit from

- The Very Merry Mice!
- ♪ Santa put us in his pocket ♪

♪ And we're going for a ride ♪

♪ To all the little
girls and boys ♪

♪ With presents by our side... ♪

Can someone turn down the radio?

Just kidding. I know
it's Gene playing music.

- Good one, T.
- Thanks.

Aw, Gene's my favorite
little Christmas DJ.

He's got two turntables
and a mistletoe.

Yup, every year,
starting at first light

on December 1st,
all day, every day.

And I can't escape it
'cause I live here.

It's way too early
to blast this noise

on my tender, tiny eardrums.

I can barely hear myself
think of stuff

I want to ask Santa for.

I'm just gonna start
shouting it out. Motorcycle!

Gene, come get some breakfast
before you pass out.

I'm good.
My DJ setup has a cereal bar,

as they all do, I assume.

I ho-ho-hope you enjoyed
that holiday classic.

But Christmas ain't merry
without this DJ Gene favorite.

You know it, you love it.

♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's
Tinsel Machine... ♪

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, God.
- Ugh!

This album gets
way too much play.

Some of us don't need to hear it
every ten minutes.

♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's
Tinsel Machine... ♪

This is your fault, Dad.

I know. I'm so sorry.

Who are you?

Oh, I forgot I still had that.

That-That's Percy McTinsel-Bud.

It's a really weird
Christmas album from the '70s.

My aunt gave it to me. I-I think
she smoked a lot of pot.

It's a Christmas album?

Why are there kittens
diving into a tea cup?

I don't remember
all the songs,

but maybe there's one
about that.

I-I'll just donate it
to the trash.

No, I want it!
It makes me uncomfortable

in a way I kinda like.

If only I'd destroyed that thing
when I had the chance.

At least we all get to suffer
together as a family?

Mother, dance with me
to "Santa's Groove-Shop."

Oh, my God, the DJ asked
to dance with me.

- Coming.
- No. Stop encouraging him.

Also, Santa doesn't allow
grooving in his shop.

He's all business.

♪ Dancing on the workshop
dance floor... ♪

Hey, can I ask you guys
something?

Is the question:
can we use your allowance

to check into a hotel
till New Year's? Yes.

No. Do you think I could get
really, really,

really good at gift wrapping?

I want to learn to
gift wrap like the pros.

- What do you mean?
- My gift-giving game is
ho ho ho,

but my gift wrapping game is
a no no no.

I want to be good at both
so I can be

a Christmas double threat.

You are pretty bad
at wrapping.

Remember that time when
Mom thought your present to her

was a crumpled pile of garbage,
and she threw it out?

Oh, yeah, that was sad.

But the gloves you got her
were nice,

when she fished them
out of the dumpster.

Too bad she didn't have
gloves for that.

Anyone have any requests
for DJ Gene after this song?

- Uh...
- How about nothing?

You know what, never mind.

I know what everyone's
thirsty for.

- ♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud. ♪

Thanks, Linda.

Hey, I have a proposal
for you guys.

- Uh...
- What is it?

How'd you two like to do

a neighborhood Secret Santa?

- Ooh.
- Oh, no, thanks.

Come on.
Neighborhood Secret Santa.

Like, let's say I get Bob,
and Bob gets Linda,

and Linda gets me.
How fun is that?

- No. Oh.
- I love it.

But, Teddy, you can't do
Secret Santa with three people.

Sure you can.
Three is perfect.

I'm pretty sure that's the
traditional way it's done.

- Hello.

Hi, Mort. Hey, you want to do

- a neighborhood Secret Santa
with us?
- Wait, what?

- Oh, uh, okay, sure.
- Ah...

But, full disclosure,

I've never Secret Santa'd
before, so be gentle.

- Ugh.
- What?

Four people is still

not really enough people.

Darn. Should we maybe
just go back

to how things were before
Teddy mentioned this idea?

- Oh, oh, Mike,

you got to do neighborhood
Secret Santa with us.

We need the numbers.

Oh, uh, I don't know.

- Oh, come on.
- It's-- You don't have to.

- It's neighborhood
Secret Santa.
- No one has to.

I mean, it's not as though
I've got an

insanely busy job
this time of year or anything.

- Feel free to say no, Mike.
- Oh, no, I'm definitely in.

I just wanted you guys
to appreciate

how hard I work
during the holidays.

All right. Okay,
so I write everyone's name,

put 'em in a cup,
and then we all pick.

Whatever name you get,
you buy them a present.

But you can't tell anyone
who you got.

No trading names, either.

Or else the Christmas police
will come

and take you to Christmas jail.

Oh, then do we get
arraigned-deer?

- Mort, please.

And we don't spend any more
than, uh,

let's say 15 bucks
on a present.

Unless you get my name,
then go nuts.

Ha. Just kidding.

Sorta. Okay, everyone
draw a name.

- Bob, you go first.
- Oh, we-we're really
doing this?

- Quit your sighing
and pick a name, Teddy.

- This was your idea.
- Right.

Great. Here I go.
Picking a name.

Aah, no!
You got to be kidding me.

Anyone but-- aah!
I mean, great.

So glad we're doing this.

and voilà,
the perfectly wrapped gift.

Dang it, how does she get
her corners that straight?

Did she sell her soul
to the devil?

Okay, all you saucy
Christmas puddings,

stuff this in your stocking.

- ♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud... ♪

No!
Sleep was my one true escape!

- Gene...
- I know, but hear me out.
I realized,

why does the party
have to end,

just 'cause of bedtime?

Christmas music season is only
30 days a year.

You know I love that you love
being Mommy's Christmas DJ,

but I think everyone's
just feeling, uh, tired,

'cause it's nighttime.

Also, you should be in bed,
where we thought you were.

Come on, give us a fade-out
and one sleigh bell,

- and off to bed.
- Okay, fine.

- See you at 5:30
for the morning zoo.

Okay, honey,
put your album away

- and go to sleep.
- I will.

I just want to say
good night

- to all the songs
just one more time.
- All right.

You're a great song.
You're a great song.

You're a great song.

You're a great song.

- Huh?

Aah! No!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

- Gene? Gene, what is it?

Oh, no, your record.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Gene.

Yeah, I'm really,
really gonna miss it. Dang.

It's okay, it's okay.
I'm taping it back together,

and we'll be listening
to Percy McTinsel-Bud's

funky Christmas hits
again in no time.

Oh, why did my beautiful,
sleeping body have to crush you?

Uh, maybe go easy on the tape.
We're getting low.

Not because of me
and my gift wrap issues.

I mean-- Never mind.

Gene, I-I don't think
that's how records will work.

It-It's fine. It's perfect.

I actually think
it could use more.

- Aah, turn it off, turn it off.

Oh, God, why couldn't it
have been me?

Why couldn't it have been me?

I'm so sorry you broke
your record, baby.

Yeah, it-it was
a really great one.

We still need
our little Christmas DJ

to play all the other
jingle-merry hits, right?

- I mean, do we?
- Shush.

Yeah, Gene, look at
all these other records

that want to go for a spin.

Hey, Gene,
play me. I'm fun, too.

Sounds like somebody's
coming around.

Hey, you know, this can't be the
only Percy McTinsel-Bud record.

There's got to be
other ones out there.

- Huh?
Dad, shush.

You're right, Bob.
Tina, Louise,

isn't there a little
record store up the street?

Why don't you take
your brother there

to look for another copy?

Uh, great idea, but maybe
after the lunch rush?

Father, how can any of us think
about working at the restaurant

at a time like this?

We'll bring Gene
to the record store

for as long as it takes.

I mean, I sort of wanted
to practice my gift wrapping

in the restaurant
in between customers.

- Bup, bup, bup. Gene?
- Okay, I'll go.

But I'm still pretty weak
from my traumatic morning.

Can you guys make a little seat
with your hands and carry me?

- Fine.
- Okay.

You good there, Teddy?

You been so quiet,

nibbling your food like
a little Christmas church mouse.

- I'm great.
- I'm gonna go down
to the walk-in,

get some more lettuce.

Oh, yeah, get some more lettuce.
Get lots of lettuce.

That's-- Okay.

- Linda.
- What? What?

I need to switch out
my Secret Santa name

with a different name.

Come on, Teddy,
you know the rules.

- Please. I won't tell anyone.
- No.

I got Mort, okay!

- I don't hear that.
I don't hear...
- I got Mort.

- I don't want to do this
anymore.
- Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

It wasn't supposed
to go down like this.

I was supposed to get
one of you guys.

♪ Christmas. ♪

Oh, Secret Santa stuff.
I got Mike.

- No!
- Everybody shush!

It's not in Folk.
It's not in Funk.

And why isn't there
a Holiday Funk Folk section?

What kind of record store
is this?!

Maybe we just ask
for some help?

Hi. My brother wants to know
if you have this record.

The moisture is just
tummy sweat.

We were sharing body warmth.

Percy McTinsel-Bud's
Tinsel Machine?

Never heard of it.

Good news is, I guess
you already own it?

- It's broken,
like all my dreams!
- Easy, Gene.

Did you check
the Holiday section?

Oh, your so-called
Holiday section? Yes.

Who the hell is Bing Crosby?

Sorry, I guess
we don't have it.

Well, we did our best.

No!

- Are you gonna be like this

all through Christmas?

Uh-huh.

Please, what would you do if you
were looking for this record?

How do we get another one?

Well, I would go online, but
I assume you did that already.

But, um, just for a joke,
pretend we didn't.

What would you look up?

Well, you'd go on Recordrooter.

Hmm, it was released in 1973
by Toodle-Loo Records.

But I'm not seeing any copies
for sale anywhere.

But it's a holiday classic.

So there's just, like,
no more of them in the world?

They're just gone?

Well, yeah. I mean, some records
just kinda go away.

And that's why you got to take
really good care

of those special, rare albums.

No...!

Well, I mean there are
some collectors

who go deeper than Recordrooter.

Try this guy. He's local,

and he's a super-obsessive
collector.

He once found a copy
of Pavarotti's novelty record,

Naughty Pavarotti.

Okay, I like it.

Hey, do you guys
gift wrap here?

- I guess we can.
- Teach me everything you know.

- Tina, stop.
- Sorry.

- Whoa, guys.

- Hey, Courtney.
Is your dad home?
- What?

So, I-I know you don't
want to know

that I have Mike,
but do you think that somebody

very much like Mike
might enjoy a throw pillow

that looks like a wooden log?

Bob, stop.

It's not Out-Loud Santa,
it's Secret Santa.

That's what makes it fun.

It was even more fun
to not buy gifts

for someone I don't know
that well.

Also, now I'm worried about
disappointing our mailman

- and maybe not getting
mail anymore.

- Bob's Burgers.
Bob!

Oh, hi, Teddy.

Don't say my name,
don't tell Linda it's me.

Okay, stranger I don't know.

I can't find anything
to get Mort.

I just keep seeing things
you and Linda would love.

Is Teddy talking
about his Secret Santa?

Tell him he's got to do it
on his own.

- Come on, I'm dying over here.
- Um, I-I...

- Hanging up now.
- I hate this.

- You love it.
- No.

Hmm, I'm not familiar
with this album,

but I know the label
Toodle-Loo Records.

They're super small, they
didn't put out much, and, uh...

Ugh, these lights are
so tangled, I can't tell

if I'm making it worse
or better.

It definitely looks
more tangled than before.

This used to be
all nice and long.

They're pretty, though.
I mean, I'm sure they're

prettier when they're on.

It's just, last year everyone
in this neighborhood

started doing major
Christmas decorations.

So we gave it a go,
and I thought

we had a good display,
but we were way underlit.

And somehow over-reindeered.

I'm not going
through that again.

It was a lot of reindeers, Dad.

So, getting back
to the record...

Do you know where we can
find a copy?

Or do you know someone who knows
where we could find a copy?

I do know someone.

- What time is it in London?
- There's really no way to know.

Uh, tea time?

She helped me track down
Naughty Pavarotti.

- Lot of buzz about that record.
- I know, right?

So, yeah, if anyone can help me
track down

a super rare, out of print
Toodle-Loo Records

Christmas album, it's her.

It's the most specific
superpower.

Dad, I'm doing that part.

Okay, but I'm just
gonna do it, uh, better.

Oh, it's ringing.

English ringtones,
they freak me out.

Ah, hi, Alice. Doug Wheeler.

Have I, uh, caught you
in the middle of anything, or...

- Oh, you're having some tea.
- Yes.

Uh, listen, I won't keep you.
Have you heard of a record

calledPercy McTinsel-Bud's
Tinsel Machine?

- She's heard of it. Shh.

Uh, listen I'm trying
to track down a copy.

It's kind of an emergency
situation. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Oh.
Oh, no. Okay.

Well, then, I'll let you go.

Thanks. Or cheers. Ta-ta?
Oh, you say "bye."

So do I. I say bye.
Bye-- Bye.

So, they pressed
very, very few copies,

which only went out
to the band's fan club.

And they had very few fans.

Then there was a fire at the
Toodle-Loo Records warehouse.

No one died,
but if there were any copies

of the record in there,
uh, yeah, they died.

So... we're getting closer?

That copy of the
Percy McTinsel-Bud

that you are holding could be
the last physical copy

on this blue marble
we call Earth.

- And you said you broke it,
right?

- Aw, my sweet Gene.

Do you want a piece of cheese?
Want some salami?

- Oh, do you want me to go DJ
for a little while?
- No.

I never want to hear
any holiday music ever again.

You don't mean that.

He didn't even say anything
about the cheese and the salami.

I know. I'm really scared.

Seems like Gene's got
to get his moans out.

Should we, uh,
leave him to it?

I have a bad, stupid idea
that I don't even want to say,

but I don't know
what else to do.

- Tickle party?
- No.

We recreate
Percy McTinsel-Bud ourselves?

Oh. But also tickle party?

So you're saying
you want us to record

Gene's terrible Christmas album
ourselves from memory?

I said it was dumb,
but what's our alternative?

Mopey Claus in there
is gonna ruin Christmas.

I think it's a good idea.

I mean, we all know the songs,
since he played them a lot,

every day.

But how do we do it
without Gene knowing?

He lives here so much.

Also, we don't play
any instruments,

and we don't sing.

♪ I beg your pardon? ♪

Okay, fine.

I don't think it's gonna work,
but it's either this

or we have to put Gene down.

Because the kid is
really suffering.

We could do it tomorrow
in the restaurant

when there's no customers.

- Which is something
that happens a lot.
- Louise.

We just need to figure out

how to get Gene out
of the house.

- Maybe some kind of zip line?
Those are fun.

Hello. Oh, hi, Courtney.

I don't know if Gene can come
to the phone

right now. He's moaning.

I just wanted to let him know
he left his retainer here.

Uh, Gene doesn't wear
a retainer, honey.

Okay... then someone's
throwing retainers in our yard.

Oh, Mom, let me talk to her.

So I guess I'm going
to Courtney's now

because she was
weirdly insistent that I help

her and her dad hang up
Christmas lights?

But all I want to do
is lie on the floor

and think about how nothing
gold can stay.

Go, Gene. You'll have a great
time hanging up lights...

Yeah. Electricity is... amazing.

And Courtney and Doug
are so fun.

You won't miss anything here.

We'll just be watching Tina
while she keeps wrapping

the same tissue box over
and over again.

My creases are
getting crisper.

Don't look at this one.

Maybe I could use
that for my Secret Santa gift.

Bob, no. $15.

- But those are the good tissues.
They're so soft.
- Uh-uh.

- Okay, Gene, come on.
- Fine, I'll go.

But I won't have fun
because I'll never smile again.

That's the spirit.
There you go.

Okay, have fun. Love you, bye.

You're great
and everything's normal.

Now, careful with that snowman.
Do not let it tip over.

Oh, look, there's the Robinsons.
Hi.

No, no. no, don't look, don't
look, we're not set up yet.

- Gene. Gene!
- Wha...?

Block that side.
Block that side.

Okay,Percy McTinsel-Bud's

Tinsel Machine intro track,
take one.

♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's ♪

♪ Tinsel Machine. ♪

Cut. Cut.
Is everybody warmed up?

- Are you warmed up?
- How do I do that?

♪ The hippest moves
you've ever grooved to ♪

♪ On the workshop dance floor. ♪

♪ Who are people? ♪

♪ We are people ♪

♪ Elves are people, too. ♪

- ♪ Zip! Bam! Pop! ♪
- ♪ What do I hear? ♪

♪ It's Santa's sleigh
in the atmosphere ♪

♪ He's got space reindeer ♪

♪ To pull him through the stars,
space reindeer ♪

- ♪ Na-na-na-na-na... Mars ♪
- ♪ He's givin' presents
to Mars ♪

♪ Up there in his sleigh. ♪

♪ Teacup kittens strike again! ♪

- Are you open?

Uh, yes. Uh, yes, we-we are.

What's wrong with you, lights?
Why aren't you lighting?

And the plastic carolers
don't look merry at all.

I give up. I guess
we'll have to move.

At least you didn't roll over
and break your dreams in half.

- Stupid Christmas.
- Yeah. Stupid Christmas.

- I like Christmas.
- No, you don't.

- I do.
- Name one good thing.

The presents, Santa,
the pageantry.

I said one thing!

Oh, Daddy. You need
a big ol' beer.

I'm gonna go tell Mom.

- Uh... I'm gonna go.
- See you around.

Ugh, don't
look at me like that.

Shh-shh-shh.
He's coming.

- Hi.
- Hey, Gene.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- What's happening?

Did you guys all fart
on my pillow or something?

What? No. I did that one time.

Okay, Gene, here's the thing.

We got Courtney to invite you
over today

so we could make you... this.

- I wrapped it. No big deal.
- Hmm?

- We made you a tape
Of Percy McTinsel-Bud.
- Yeah.

We sang all of your
favorite Christmas songs

in the world, and we did
all the instruments.

Not with instruments
but with our mouths.

Uh-huh...

And we didn't know
all the words,

but you can barely tell.

Unless you know all the words.
Which you do.

But we couldn't call you
and ask you what they were

'cause, surprise.

Why don't you... play it?

Right. Uh... okay.

- ♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's... ♪
- No!

I mean, uh, I love it.

- You just shut off the tape
player and yelled "No."
- Yup. Mm-hmm.

- It was all Tina's idea.
- What?

I'm sorry. You guys worked
so hard.

Aah! First I destroy
the last piece of precious

musical history that should have
been in whatever safe

the League
of Extraordinary Gentlemen have,

and then I make you guys feel
bad about trying

to do something nice.
I just keep ruining Christmas!

Oh, my Genie. What a Chris-mess.

That gift wrapping,
though, right?

Aw, we were dumb
to try to remake Gene's

favorite Christmas album.
What are we, Moby?

Should we go talk to him?

Maybe we should just
give him some space.

Wait. Are we sure our tape
isn't incredible?

Don't answer that.

Oh, Percy McTinsel-Bud.

You were the best thing
about Christmas,

and now you're gone forever.

Hey, Gene.

- Want some tinsel?
- Uh, sure.

- So shiny.
- Yeah.

It just makes me want to...

♪ Tinsel all through
the night! ♪

God, you're amazing.
I'm-I'm so sorry, Percy.

I don't want you to be so sad
about breaking the record, Gene.

Well, I am. I'm sadder
than the teacup kitten

who fell out of the teacup
and couldn't get back in.

What about the tape
your family made?

I couldn't listen to it.

Them trying to redo that record
is like trying to paint

the Sistine Chapel
with a bunch of gravy.

How would it even stay up there?
It would just drip on everybody.

I see what you mean about that
gravy, but I actually think

it's pretty great that they
made that tape for you.

Lots of songs are covers.
Covers are cool.

- They are?
- Songs and blankets.

Gene, for you, your family's
version might not be

your favorite version, but maybe
someday you'll give the tape

to your kids.

And it'll be
their favorite version,

'cause it'll be
the only one they know.

And they can roll
over on it and break it,

and then make their own tape.

- The point is, the music keeps
going. You dig?
- Huh.

Okay, I'm gonna head out.
And don't worry about me.

Back where I come from,

we're still keeping it
funky and skunky.

- Heaven?
- No. The '70s!

Bye, Percy. I love you.

- We have gathered here today

for neighborhood
Secret Santa, baby.

I just want to apologize
in advance for mine.

Bob, shush.
Let's open our gifts!

Oh, who am I kidding?
I just have to accept

that I'm not good
at gift wrapping.

You don't have to wrap
my present at all.

Just make sure
it's really big.

Tina, if it makes you feel
any better,

I think "good" gift wrapping
always seems

so cold and impersonal.

I'd much rather get
a present wrapped like that.

It seems more thoughtful
and interesting.

Hey, thanks, Mike.
And you should know.

You've seen a lot of packages.

Because, you know,
you're a mailman.

Yeah. I am a mailman.

But that envelope probably
seems

pretty thoughtful, too,
right?

- Yeah.
- Sorry, it's a gift card.

- From the heart?
- Hey, this is great.

The Home Furnishings
Superstore.

I love home furnishings.
And a superstore?

- Oh. Good.
- Aw, Mike, thanks
for the stamps!

- How'd you know
they were from me?
- Just a lucky guess.

Wait, Bob, what present
did you get?

Uh, it's a note.
"I got the car washed."

- Oh. Is this from Linda?
- Yeah, it is.

- Thanks. This is perfect.
Perfect.

Yeah. Great.

- Teddy, open yours.
- Fine.

Oh... It's a--

A little plaque that says
"Teddy." For your, uh, stool.

I figured since you have
a favorite stool here,

maybe Bob and Linda could
put your name on it.

- Aw.
- Oh, uh, I-I don't think we...
- Wow.

Mort, this is, like, the best
gift anyone's ever gotten me.

Now I feel bad about
the calendar I got you.

Pictures of old barns?
I'm a total barn nut.

Barns, bridges, I think they got
some fences in there, too.

Bob! A plaque for my stool.

- Should we put it right here?
- Uh, yeah, maybe.

Or, oh, uh, under the seat
might be a good spot.

Like a fun, hidden thing?

I love that, that's great.

I love Secret Santa!

- I'm gonna go get my tools
in the truck.

Oh, excuse me, elf.

Aw, Genie, you came
out of your room.

And you're in
your deejaying outfit.

Mother, Father, sisters,

I listened to the tape
you made me. All of it.

And it's really great.

You don't have to say that.

Yeah. Music's a lot
harder to do

when you're not good at it.

We know that now.

No! You did the right thing.

The music isn't gone.

This is Percy McTinsel-Bud now.

It just needed a little, uh,
touching up.

And some major remixing.

♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's ♪

♪ Tinsel Machine ♪

♪ Percy... ♪

- Wow.
- Whoa.
- Nice.

All right!
My Christmas DJ is back!

Yeah, he is, baby.

So how about Christmas music

all day in the restaurant?

Oh. Good.

You know, I kinda like the way
it looks.

I miss the reindeer, though.

Dad, let's go get the reindeer.

Yeah! Santa can have as many
reindeers as he friggin' wants!

♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud's
Tinsel Machine ♪

-♪ The greatest guy around ♪
-♪ It makes us tinsel
if you know what I mean ♪

-♪ Percy McTinsel-Bud ♪
-♪ He hangs it everywhere,
he lets it all hang out ♪

-♪ He's coming to your town ♪
-♪ To make your Christmas shine
beyond a doubt, yeah ♪

-♪ He's got that tinsel ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

♪ At Christmastime ♪

♪ You know he's gonna
a-make it shine... ♪

♪ Yeah, to make your Christmas
shine beyond a doubt, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, my tinsel. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.