All language subtitles for Psicológico

Buying or selling?

Browsing.

Window shopping, if I'm
being completely honest.

I just started my Christmas
shopping today, okay?

Every year, I tell myself,
start in July,

do a little bit each month.

You'll be so happy
when the Yuletide rolls in.

And I know what you're thinking.

Tell us something about the
person you're shopping for.

Do they have hobbies, interests,

fetishes,

allergies?

Well, here's the thing.

I am not entirely sure
I want the gift

to be stolen per se.

No offense.

See what I did there,
half-cracking?

I said "fence"

'cause you're the premier
fence on the West Coast.

El Prov-ee-dor.

Prov-e-dor?

May I call you...

Glenn?

Who the hell wears
a beard over a beard?

Who wears a beard-beard?

Overachievers.

That's who, Jack.

Hook-beak!

Double hook-beak.

Finger.

Hey, no.

Easy.

You, put that down.
Put it down.

Everyone. You.
Put it down.

Let's go!
Hey! Come on!

Come on, let's go.

Coming through.

Damn it.

Guys. Gentlemen.

Upon further review,
this is not my sack.

My sack is much smaller.

So if you see my sack,

would you do me a favor and...

The problem for me is Neil deGrasse
Tyson gets as much wrong as he gets right.

I mean, I just don't appreciate
being talked down to,

especially about astrophysics.

Hawking is in the ballpark.

He gets it half right.
He knows that.

Do we have a security person?

I'm gonna have to see some ID...

I don't remember giving you permission
to borrow my Hagrid costume, Shawn.

Gus, eyes forward.

These guys are armed.
Taking cases without me again?

I have to take on cases
without you, you have a job.

I gave the San Francisco
detective thing a chance.

Eleven days, Gus.

We were here for 11 days
before you got a full-time gig.

Look, how many times
do we have to do this?

I need security. Security!

Hey, man. Is that sourdough?

You know damn well
it's sourdough.

Why don't you, pass half
that sweet sandy under the table?

You must be out of
your damn mind.

Then will you at least do me a
solid and go pull the fire alarm?

If I pull the fire alarm, people
will evacuate the whole building.

Yes, Gus. That's what
I'm counting on.

Okay.

Excuse me, sir.

You guys looking for a
transient with half a beard?

He pushed his way up to our
elevator and broke my secret Santa gift.

Would you mind taking
your business outside?

He's in the elevator? Probably in the lobby by now.

Let's go.

Burton?

Can we have a word in my office?

Man.

You do not want to know
how far I had to go to get this.

And to add insult to injury,

they'd never even heard
of almond milk.

What?
Any of the nut milks.

I know.

What'd I miss?
We got eight.

Hey, that's a solid day of
work. Yeah. Let's just pack it in.

Soft pass?

Or nine. I got one more.

Copy. Just don't go alone.

She went alone.

Somebody cover her back.

Kidding. I'm on it.

Dude, you literally made every
obvious move you could make.

I say this with disappointment,

because I was actually hoping
to get in some cardio today.

I'm so sorry, Juliet.

What the hell are you doing? I
can explain. Please let me go.

Go.

He got away?

Yep.

So he was just

transporting the goods from
the cafe to the alley here.

I guess so.
That's what it looks like.

Yeah.

I'm absolutely dazzled by what
you've done with the place, Sammy.

Problem is, you were not
supposed to be home yet,

but I'm nothing
if not an improviser.

Billy?

Now, let's be honest. I've
never really looked like a Billy.

Call me the Duke.

The Duke?

Is this...
Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition?

Looks good on you, though.

Yeah.

In all fairness, though, there
is something you should know.

My partner's adamant
about home security.

If we're going to do this,

then there's a fun fact you
should know about me, mate.

I no longer work alone.

Billy.

Come on, there's no need to
escalate this. We can talk this through.

You know I hate negotiation,
Samuel.

O'Hara?
Hi.

I have a difficult,
private matter

I need to talk to you about
outside of the office.

Okay, sure. Come on in.
Thanks.

Just let me get Richard
off to the airport.

Your husband's here?

Well, yeah, why wouldn't
he be in our house?

Well, it's just in all
of the time I've known you,

I've never actually seen him.

Really?

That's not right.
Yeah.

Just give me five minutes,
and we'll ride in together.

Please don't tell her.

What choice do I have?

You put me in this position.
What the hell are you doing, Iris?

There are these girls.
They're awful.

But they offered me a chance
to be a part of them.

And I just had to prove myself.
You have to tell your mom.

You know they want to make
her the police commissioner.

This will ruin everything.

Okay. Here is what
you are going to do.

You are going to call me
every single day.

You are never to hang out
with those girls again,

and should you find yourself
being bullied,

you are going to text me
where you are,

and I will rain hell
on the guilty party.

Pinky swear?

Look at you two. Best
friends. Slightly jealous.

Here.

You ready?

Okay.

Chief,

you know that thing I was
gonna talk to you about?

You have a lot
on your plate right now,

and it's really
not that important...

Okay, just stop.

I think I know what this is
about, and it is important.

God, you do?
Of course I do.

But, you know, maybe,

maybe marriage was never
gonna be the right choice for you.

What?

God, you know I love Shawn.

And he is an extraordinary
person, but maybe your goals

and his goals were just never
gonna line up in the end.

No...

No. This is not about me.
No, of course it's not, no.

It's about the both of you.

Okay, we are really
misunderstanding each other right now.

Okay, but it's easy to notice
that you don't wear a ring.

Look, I am in no rush.

I just think the question is,
how long are you gonna wait?

I hope I'm wrong.

And I hope it's with Shawn.

Just gonna, yeah.

O'Hara.

The man who stole from me
entered the boat right behind you.

Tell me how you know him.
I never seen him before.

I'm not foolish enough
to lie to you.

Hey, El, we found
something on the beard.

Find this man.
This Burton Guster.

It looks amazing, doesn't it?

I just finished the addition.

I matched it exactly with
the 30th Anniversary Blu-Ray.

Of Gremlins?
Yes.

Shawn, we are eight feet underground
at the end of an alley in Chinatown.

Gus, don't be the comma
in Earth, Wind & Fire.

This is a glorious triumph,

especially considering all
the restrictions you gave me.

Restrictions?
Let's see here.

Cable car adjacent,

gotta be smelling distance
from Ghirardelli Square.

That's half the city with my nose. And
we both know the problem is the name.

You shut your drunk mouth.

That name is spun gold.

It literally looks like a bunch
of letters pushed together.

Psychphrancisco.

One word, all lowercase,
"ph" for the "f".

What's not to understand, Gus?

If we're gonna get
walk-up traffic,

we need a business name
that makes sense.

And we can't keep making
additions until we get more cases.

Gus.

I don't mean to talk down to you,
but are you familiar with the expression

"you gotta spend money
to buy things"?

That's not at all how it goes, and
you haven't heard it both ways. What...

Immaterial, because we
already have a case.

A big one.
You should sit down.

On what?
The rickshaw.

Okay, listen.

Juliet's partner, sweet
Sam Sloane, he's in the ICU.

He was attacked
in his own home last night.

He's barely hanging on, Gus.

We got to get down to
the hospital right away.

Man.
And the police asked for us?

Since when do they have to ask?
Gus, we show up, I do a little of this.

Even less of that.
One of those.

The rest writes itself. Shawn,
you know I can't do that.

I have to make all my holiday bonuses
just to keep this money pit afloat.

I figured you'd say
something like that.

Which is why I'm pitching this
to sweeten the pot.

As we drive across town, we
stop at every single Cinnabon.

I'm listening.

We Pandora up
a Prince death tribute...

Shawn, you know Prince
isn't really dead.

And by the time we're
finished later tonight,

you're at the observatory

for the Starry Night
Telescope Viewing Party

on Mt. McCumber.

That telescope party is tonight.

I hear it gets wilder
every year.

Not possible, Shawn.
Not possible.

We'll see about that, won't we?

Sam has a lot of friends.

Everyone's head's down.
That can't be a good sign.

All right, everyone, listen up.

Whoever did this

had Inspector Sloane's
alarm code, knew his schedule,

and shot him within a minute
of him entering his own house.

I can't see anything.

I see balloons
over there. He's...

We should've brought
a cake or something.

Yeah.
Is somebody here?

Hello.
Chief.

It's us, Chief.

- Yes.
- Excuse us, guys.

I get it. It's unfair. You
were here first, but it's just,

it's impossible to see past
you all, 'cause you're, like...

What are you feeding them?
What are you doing here?

We, We just came
to pay our respects.

That's very nice of you.

You done yet?

I didn't realize
there was a time limit.

Please continue.

Okay, the only thing
that we know

that they were able to take
was Inspector Sloane's dongle.

My God!
It's not what you think.

It's exactly what I think, Gus.

These people are monsters
and they must be stopped.

A dongle is a security device.
Sure, for some people.

You stick it into your computer.

Not my computer.
Not since high school.

Jules, back me up on this.

Shawn, stop talking.
All right.

This particular device
allows an officer to access

his or her confidential
San Francisco PD files.

It's the only way that you
can get into the system.

You knew this?

Okay. All right.

So this is different. What
you're saying is a different thing.

My bad. Please continue.

Okay, Inspector Sloane's dongle
was right-angled and purple.

My God.

Well, it's a little
silly, isn't it? A word?

Outside.

Excuse us, guys. Sorry.
Hey, hon, what's up?

Why are you here?
To offer our services.

He's here to offer our services.

I'm about to go check out
some black holes.

That was a bad choice of words.

Out of context, I regretted it.

Sweetheart, this is Sam, okay?
He's family.

We're all in this thing
together.

Shawn, your offer is lovely,

but the answer is no,
and don't push me on this.

Go home, go now, goodbye.

What?

Where the hell did you get a
waffle? Don't worry about it, Shawn.

Do you, Shawn. Do...

Dude, she's so hardcore.
Shawn, she's dealing with a lot.

You need to give her some space.

Now, listen, tonight's moon is a waxing
gibbous and Venus is in retrograde.

So we need to be
at that telescope...

Gus, I can't do this
with you right now.

Or ever, for that matter.

Guys. Over here.

Nick Conforth?
Why are you hiding?

I don't like hospitals.
Then why are you at one?

In San Francisco, no less.
I came to see Sam.

I was his instructor at the Academy.
He was one of my best. We're still close.

So close that you're hanging
outside? Juliet kicked me out.

Us too. That's not a coincidence.

Listen, I don't know how to tell
you this, but she's hiding something.

Juliet, my Juliet?
Nick, you sound paranoid.

Plus you're mixing horizontal
and vertical stripes.

While hiding behind
a reindeer and a menorah.

Hurts your credibility. It's
theologically incongruous.

Look, Sam called me yesterday. He
was adamant no one could be trusted.

I said, what about your partner?
He said, "Especially not her."

Twenty-four hours later,
he's dead.

No, no, he's not dead.
Sorry. Survivor's remorse.

If this has anything to do
with my girlfriend...

Fiancée.
Fiancée...

You have to tell me
everything you know, Nick.

Sam said he kept getting these
calls from the same burner number.

Something about
"the crimes of Juliet."

He'd narrowed it down
to a signal

that was pinged off
a tower near Highway 18.

He was gonna check it out.

Next thing I know,
Sam's been killed.

He's still breathing.
Respirator.

Yes, sorry. That's on me. Guys,
you know I still have my issues.

I crumble like pie crust
in the field.

I saw you coming in here
and I thought

maybe, hopefully, you could
check it out, since I can't.

No chance in hell.
Absolutely.

Great. You guys
are the best.

Go.
What did I just say, Shawn?

I don't know, something about
waxing Leeza Gibbons.

Shawn, we've been
walking for an hour.

There's nothing around
for miles.

What do you suppose
the range is on that cell phone tower?

There's nothing here but
woods, pollen, and fruit bats.

What's this?
Sunnyvale Mental Hospital.

No.

I'm not going to another
insane asylum, Shawn.

The sun is starting to go down,

and all the good telescopes
are gonna be gone.

Dudes are gonna be doing
eye-sneezes all over the equipment.

Man! All we have to do

is go to the front desk
and ask if there's a patient

with cell phone access.
That's it!

Then we're off to Mt. McCumber
where you can suck it.

You suck it.

Suck it, suck it, suck it

Come on, son

What the hell is an eye-sneeze?
Don't act like you don't know.

Come on, son

Come on, son

Come on, son

This is not the road, Shawn.

Well, it has to be the
road, because there are no other roads.

What?
Dude.

It says this place has been
closed for two years.

That's weird. Shawn,
we need to get out of here.

Gus, don't be the tender
sweetness of a seasick crocodile.

We need

to go in.

What is that? I know you
hear that. What is that?

My God.
Are you playing Pokémon Go?

You know this is how
I manage my stress.

I'm trying to hatch
a 10-kilometer egg

and I'm pretty sure there
might be a Jigglypuff in there.

Stop it.
You stop it.

You stop it right now.
This is...

Gus, somebody tapped
into the power lines.

This used to be
the high-security ward.

That's why they built it
originally as a submarine.

It was never a submarine,
Shawn. You don't know submarines.

I know you don't know.
I know that.

Bad idea, Shawn.
What do we think?

I say we slowly
start walking backwards

so we never take our eyes
off of whatever poltergeist

is making that glowing
over there,

and then we'll be out
of the demon's reach.

We wind sprint back to the car.

I'll leave first because
my heart is the purest.

It's definitely the blackest.
My heart is not the...

Dude, that sound is not human.

Agree to agree.

Dog!

Shawn, I don't care
what that light is over there.

There's no way we're gonna get
past that snapping...

Gus, whatever got Sam attacked
is right around that corner.

And it's so serious that the bad
guys have a guard dog on a pogo stick

holding down the fort.

I need you to put on
your thinking helmet.

Man!
I'll wait.

Chin strap.

You hear that?
I don't hear anything, Shawn.

Exactly.

The pooch is gone.

And there's no sign
of another human being.

The coast is clear.

Damn it, Gus,
is there no end to this?

Gus, wait a minute.

That dog is a rescue.
I don't care!

It means the bad guys who
adopted him trained him to be all ugly.

I still don't care, Shawn.

It means I can turn him.
Into what?

Rescue dogs
don't have ugly hearts.

Shawn, there is no way
that dog doesn't eat your face.

Gus, don't be the C above middle C
in Those Endearing Young Charms.

I have seen three and a half
episodes of The Dog Whisperer.

So?

What are you doing?

I'm doing what he does.
Why would he do that?

Because it works.
Will you stop it?

You should take off your
helmet. I'm pretty sure it's broken.

I got this.

Hi. Hi, buddy.

Who's a good boy?

Who's a sweet boy?

Sit.
Sit.

Gus! Gus!

I'm going to lose.

What the hell is that?
Cherry Chipotle Turkey Jerky.

You've had that the whole time?

You know I'm
a nervous eater, Shawn.

Give it to me,
for the love of God!

What? You do realize this
stuff costs $19 an ounce?

I will pay you back!
Come on, son.

Try not to give him the whole
thing if you don't have to, Shawn.

Look. Look what I have.

It's all for you, Damien.
No.

Shawn!
It's not all for him!

Man.
Gus, he likes it!

He likes it. Come here.

Come here.

Who has a heart full of love?
Did you like that jerky?

Look, yeah.
Look at this, Gus.

Get in here. Sweet little man.

Thought he was getting adopted
by a family with a house

and a big backyard, and he ends up here
at some haunted, abandoned mental asylum.

And the next thing you know, he's
eating $56 worth of organic jerky.

He doesn't deserve
a life like this.

I feel the same way
sometimes, Shawn.

This is a bad idea, Shawn.

What the hell?

Gus, whoever did this, they
have access to the entirety

of the San Francisco
Police Department.

Dude, Sam put his name
on his dongle.

First time that hasn't
been funny to me. Nuh.

You're right.
It's not not-funny.

This is not good, Shawn.

This is all of Juliet's
personal information.

Surveillance photos.
They're spying on her.

You think she might be next?

This document is called
"The Crimes of Juliet O'Hara."

My gosh.
I know.

That's a killer title
for a Hallmark movie.

Gus, don't be ridiculous. Jules
would never do a Hallmark movie.

"There's a demon amongst you."
"She must be judged."

What?

This manifesto basically paints
her as Harvey Keitel from Cop Land.

He had an above-ground
pool, Shawn.

Exactly.
None of this is true.

Anyone expecting a visitor?

Perimeter check, now.

Now!

When I say things, I want you to
do them. That's why I'm the boss,

and you're the henchpeople.

Gus, I got to go back inside.

What?
I forgot something.

I'm not going back alone, Shawn!

I'll meet you at the car.
What?

Shawn!
Just stick to the road.

Keep clear of the moors!
Beware of the moon, Gus!

Start the car! Start the car!

Start the car!

My God,
what are you doing, Shawn?

Shawn.
I'm naming him Morrissey.

First name Steven. I'm not
leaving with that thing, Shawn.

Fine. I'll drive.
What?

I got it! I got it!

Don't touch that wheel!
Don't touch your wheel!

It's too late.
I already touched mine.

Hey!
I know what I'm doing.

Let me...

Watch out. Hold
the dog back, Shawn!

You have a dog in the car.
Look, hands off.

Look what's happening now.
I got it.

I know what to do, Shawn.

I know what to do.
I got it, Shawn. I got it.

Are you familiar with
Einstein's definition of insanity?

The dog is blocking
my mirror, Shawn.

Blocking...
Why are you using a mirror?

It's pitch black out here.
Your mama's pitch black.

We both wish that were true.

What? I don't
know what I mean by that.

Here we go, I got it, Shawn.

Bang it out, bang it out.

Come on, Gus, just bang it out.

Bang it out, bang it out.

- Bang it out.
- Wait.

You should have it on this one.

- Okay, one more.
- Come on, come on.

I can see it, the
light at the end of the tunnel!

Death to the world!

I'm glad you could find
a few moments to rest.

Did you find anything?

I detected the scent of black
cherry, with a slight hint of chipotle.

We've been compromised.

So I'm gonna have
to speed things up a little.

And Christmas, my friends,
is about to come a bit early.

No, no, no, Chief!
Don't shoot him!

He's a gift, for you
and the family!

Mr. Spencer?

What are you doing at my house

with an attack dog
in the middle of the night?

Well, first of all,
it's, like, 9:00.

What time do you go
to bed, Chief?

More importantly,

we found Sam Sloane's assailant.

He is at Sunnyvale
Psychiatric Hospital.

We saw him, or at least his shadow,
and a couple other scary shadows.

It was terrifying.
Well, did he see you?

Of course not. I'm like
a wraith in a London fog.

What about when you went back
and stole his dog?

You stole this dog?
No. We liberated it.

We liberated Morrissey,
didn't we? Yes, we did.

And now he's yours.
Merry Christmas.

Do you have, like,
a crate or something,

just until he gets over this
whole attacking strangers thing?

Why didn't that work for me?
'Cause you're a dumb-ass, Shawn.

Did you call O'Hara?
Of course.

I've been calling her and texting
her. She's not responding to anything.

Why do you think we're here?
You said to gift me an attack dog.

Sure, but that's ancillary.
Are you coming with us or not?

Yes, of course.

Great. Now, would you watch
a movie of the week

called The Crimes
of Juliet O'Hara?

It's right up here, Chief.

Right through this...

Spanish Prisoner'd again.

Chief, I swear.
You gotta believe us.

There was a whole bank
of monitors here,

and they all had access
to your department's files.

Dude, they're back.
Let's get out of here.

Get out of here?
Yes.

Mr. Guster, this is my first
field action in two years.

Do you have any idea what
the chief of police does?

Yeah, they cut ribbons
and stuff. Exactly.

It's awful.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I am going to go shoot
some bad guys.

Come on.

Dude, what is the five-second
rule on... Don't. Just don't.

Freeze!

O'Hara?
Chief?

What are you doing here? I
came here to help Shawn and Gus.

Jules, we didn't report this.

No, but you ran
over 45 traffic cones,

tripped four silent gate alarms,
and knocked over a Caltrans trailer

while you were speeding away.

He was driving.
He was driving.

Okay, they believe that Inspector
Sloane was attacked because of you,

and that they found
some rambling manifesto

called
"The Juliet O'Hara Crimes."

"The Crimes
of Juliet O'Hara."

It sounds like an N BC show
the way you say it.

Where is this manifesto?

It's gone.
Jules...

I've been texting you and calling
you. Where have you been?

I asked you guys
not to meddle in this case.

Please, just go home.

You know what? No.
I am done being nice.

Go home!

Please. No. No please.

No please! You know what?

Just get out of here.
Go to your planetarium party.

Fine with me.

There's a telescope with
my right eye's name on it.

Yeah, fine.

Just be careful?

Sweetheart.

- Your right eye has a name?
- D'Ontario.

What's the left eye?
Lisa Lopes.

Walked right into that.
You need to tighten it up.

Okay, what are the
chances that any of these dudes

know how a baby is made?

Hate all you want, Shawn.

But those who look to the
stars are destined to find...

My gosh.

Okay, once and for all,

please explain the thumb
to nostril thing to me.

It's my battle cry, Shawn.

I'm gonna go over there
and make that woman mine.

It gives me the split-second
I need to plan my approach.

Sure.

Wait. What is happening?
I don't know.

It would appear
that she's coming this way.

Well, that's not right.
Do you know her?

Why would I know a woman in a
"Nine Planet Solar System" T-shirt?

Well, I don't know her, Shawn,
and she's ruining my approach.

I am the hunter. Me.

Cheetahs don't wait for
gazelles to hop into their mouth.

Dude, I think
you might be the gazelle.

Hello.

My name is Burton Guster, and
this is my partner, White Privilege.

That's my bit.
I'm Selene.

It means "moon."
Is that business card for me?

You know it is.
Cell number's on the back.

In pencil.

Wanna look?

I was hoping you'd never ask.

Well, that didn't
come out right.

Chief, I'm a good cop.
You're the best cop I have.

I may have an idea who did this,
but I am the only one who can fix it.

I need to go it alone.

The answer to that is no.

I wish I could be
more forthcoming with you,

but, Chief, I need you
to trust me.

Please.

You have 24 hours. If Sam
wakes up, I'll only need 12.

I'm going to the hospital.

That's where it would be,
planet number nine.

Obviously, if this telescope
were powerful enough.

I hate to correct you,
but Pluto's way over there.

Why would I be
pointing it at Pluto?

'Cause you're showing me
the ninth planet.

Yes. I'm showing you Eris.

Eris?

The dwarf planet?

Eris is stupid.

Pluto is, has been, and will
always be the ninth planet.

Why would we make Pluto a planet again?
We've already rectified that mistake.

"Mistake"?

Hasn't Pluto been through
enough already?

Eris is bigger.
By 15 miles.

By your logic, why don't we
make everything a planet?

Why don't we make
that Nativity Jesus a planet?

Why don't we make your
forehead a planet? What?

Did I read
that situation incorrectly?

Come on, son.

We're leaving?
Are you crazy?

That's probably your best
chance ever at finding a wife!

Wheelchair to Admitting.

We need a wheelchair
at Admitting, please.

We need to clear
this area now. Go.

I'm so sorry about the delay.
The forensic report was right here,

and somehow, my new assistant
managed to lose it already.

Found it! False alarm.

This is actually the new issue
of Men's Health.

Ryan Reynolds
is more jacked than ever.

You know, I used to be
a personal trainer.

Hi, Shawn.

My God. Yeah. Woody,
what are you doing here?

What? Don't look at me.
I can explain.

Thank God Karen and Butterfly here
have hearts the size of Anchorage.

I voted no.

She's so saucy.
I can't take it sometimes.

This is called an N BA hug.

Let's call it one-and-done.

Copy that.

Seriously, man, what the hell
happened? You were in Sacramento.

You had season tickets
to the Kings.

Yeah, I got the gig
as head medical examiner

for the State of California.

Lassiter threw me a party
at Buca di Beppo.

I got a condo
with a Japanese bidet

in both bathrooms
and a urinal in the foyer.

Those were halcyon times.

Then he got fired for closing up a cadaver
with a chili dog in the chest cavity.

Not true.

Butterfly.

I got fired for opening
the cadaver back up

to retrieve the chili dog,
because I took a working lunch.

Yup.

But hey, here we all are. It's
like no time has passed at all.

Look at you guys.
Look at me.

Editor's note,
I have hemorrhoids.

Thrombosis. But they make
pillows for that.

Far be it for me to rain
on this reunion,

but could you please shed some
light on the murder of my partner?

Yes.

I can tell you
he was asphyxiated.

My guess is with a pillow.

We're combing the body for DNA.

At this point, I can say
with 100% certainty...

Burton Guster?

What the...

So anyone can come in
to the morgue now.

Cool.

So weird.
What are the odds?

How have you been?

Is that a dead body?

Yeah.
So...

I was hoping to explain myself
from our date last night.

That wasn't a date.
That was an assault.

- Do you work here?
- No. This place is gross.

But I did see
your cute Instagram post,

and I thought I'd pop by.

You Instagram'd the morgue? I
have followers to think about, Shawn.

Excuse me.

Who is this? That's the
girl from the telescope party.

I'm so glad
that she's here with us.

Okay, yeah...

Listen. I'ma be honest
with you, Burton.

I am an ambitious woman
with a lot to do in my life.

I don't have time
to mess around.

I took your business card,
and I did my due diligence.

I checked you out on LinkedIn,
Classmates.com, BlackPlanet...

BlackPlanet?
I got a friend.

The point is, you passed.

Passed what?
All of it.

All of it.

I choose you.
I choose you, Burton Guster.

Is there a world in which I walk
you through what I was doing

when you guys got here?

Please. I'm begging you.

All right, so...

Wait, there's something
lodged in the stomach.

She's not great.

You don't even know me.
I know all I need to know.

You like the sky,
your mother, safe cracking,

a bakery called
Boom Boom Boom Muffins.

That's all on my business card.

I know when you were eight years old,
you won a contest for doing a comic strip

about an Egyptian dog
that became Pharaoh.

You know about
Mesopotamian Pomeranian?

I wish I would've
known you then.

I bet you were a dead ringer
for Bud on The Cosby Show.

Look, you can't follow me
around, research me, try to kiss me,

sniff my head, make me
feel uncomfortable...

He's literally done all those
things since Thanksgiving.

He's getting Gus'd.
No wonder he doesn't like it.

And yes, maybe your lips
are warm and soft

and taste like caramel,

but those lips are wrapped
in an electric blanket of crazy

set to medium-high,

and it doesn't give you the
right to invade my private cone.

Completely fair.

I will leave you my resume.

Your resume?
Yes, my romantic history,

a few references.

I think you'll see
I check out quite nicely,

save possibly for a brief
dalliance with Lester Holt

and a semi-public rock-out
with Wilmer Valderrama,

but to be completely fair,
it was all under the shirt

but over the bra.

And I also made you
this fluffernutter sandwich.

Your mother said
it was your favorite.

So, there you have it.

I'm gonna keep this
fluffernutter sandwich,

because I think
it's rude to waste food.

I will circle back with you

once you've had a chance
to look over my materials.

But in the meantime...

Get out!
What?

You know, like the movie.

Okay, bye.

You know what? I'm gonna go.

Well, this is new.
I know that dongle.

Let's hope it still works.
Mine does not. Not always.

You should at least
try that sandwich, yeah?

Get your own stalker, Shawn.

It's completely wiped.
Wait.

There's one file
added after the wipe.

I don't know
what to tell you, Gus.

She took the file, she won't
show me the document.

I'm freaking out. I mean, what
if I'm sleeping with Nick Nolte

from Mulholland Falls?

Well, then you're really getting

the short end of the stick,
Mulholland Falls-wise.

You know, it's funny.

When people steal from me,

they tend to run
much farther away.

All right. All right.

Let's all be reasonable here.

He didn't mean to steal from
you. He was just working a case.

A case?
Who do you work for?

I can't tell you that.

Boy.

Shawn, tell the man
with the knife

who the client is.

I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to invoke

detective-client privilege.

Who's the damn client, Shawn?

I...

It's me.

It's me. I'm the client.

I am looking
for an engagement ring.

It's my ring, and it was stolen
from me while I was proposing.

Are you kidding me?

This guy, this guy right here,

he has ruined our business

because he keeps searching
for this damn ring

that he's never gonna find!

Not true, Gus!

May I just...

I'm telling you, Shawn,
that ring is cursed!

This ring is
the opposite of cursed.

Here it is. And I cannot
get married without it, sir.

This ring is worthless.
To you.

Sure. But to me,
it's everything.

You ever considered that
maybe you're just using the ring

as an excuse to cover
your fear of change?

Thank you.
That's exactly what...

This isn't about you.
I got it.

Please continue. The
ring was my grandmother's.

Right? It was supposed to go to
my dad, but they often butted heads.

On the night before his
wedding, she pulls the ring back.

So he had to scramble,
and he went into debt,

made a bunch of
very poor financial decisions

which ultimately resulted
in a divorce,

because he didn't
have that ring.

It's possible that I'm editorializing, but
I'm not gonna make the same mistake.

Thank you for the answer.

Kill them.
No, no! You can't kill us!

You can't kill us!
We just bonded!

You and me, like gentlemen.
Business is business.

Plus, you now know that
my real name is Ted.

Only because you just told me.

I'm sorry about this,
but no one's going to miss

some lowly private detective.

Time out. Lowly? No.

I'll have you know I am the
preeminent psychic detective

in this whole alley, Jack.

- Psychic?
- That's right.

Please, take a look.

That's me, with the sweet hair.

This makes no sense.

Why does a psychic operate
in the shop from Gremlins?

To potentially meet
Phoebe Cates.

Okay.

Read me.

Read you.

Hum...

Covfefe.

You like knives.

You like kittens.

You like...

Middle-aged kittens.

The past.

Anyone can read the past.

I got the kittens right?

Tell me the future.

Look.

Gus, he has
his own Ta-rot cards.

Tarot cards.

He just carries them around
with him.

That's not scary at all.
Shall we adjourn

to the Mahjong Room?

The Merle of Haggard.

Merle of what? He foretells
of a dangerous situation.

It involves both a curb

and a bus.

I see a tax issue.
I don't pay taxes.

That's the issue.

Sorry.

Forgive me.

You must lay off the salt.

Salt?
Salt.

Salt.
Salt.

Gus...

Okay. All right.

So you're not gonna cleave us?
We'll see, won't we?

In the future.

How we doing, babe?

Shawn, I owe you an apology.

I know I have been acting
strange and icing you out,

but the truth is,

I'm scared,
and I need your help.

You had us at Shawn.

I used all of the cases
referenced in this manifesto

to create this board.

It is every suspect
that went away

for every crime mentioned.

So these are the
victims of your supposed crimes?

Yes. Now, I know
what you're thinking.

And here's the thing.

It's true.

Look, every single one
of these dirt bags

is guilty as sin.

But I have done some things

that I am not
necessarily proud of.

I've had to pee since 2:00.

Gus, it's 2:05.
It doesn't matter, Shawn.

It does matter.
We stopped specifically

on the way here
so that you could go pee.

There was someone in there.

There were 12 stalls.
I don't care.

When are you gonna get a handle
on this bashful black bladder thing?

You know what?
Do you, Shawn.

I...

I fudged the rules.

I skipped some protocols to
put these dirt bags away, Shawn.

And now I feel like
Sam's blood is on my hands,

and I have no one
to blame but myself.

Hey, hey.

I love these hands.

Especially the right one,
because that's the one

I generally hold.

Well, I...

I like to walk on the left.
You do like to walk on the left.

You're a leftie walker.

They call that south foot.

- I'm a south foot.
- You're a south foot.

Look, you have watched me

lie and cheat and steal for the
better part of what, a decade?

All in the name
of catching bad guys.

You didn't do anything
illegal, am I right?

Then let's figure out who
the hell is doing this to you,

and put 'em away.

This is work time.

Okay.

All of these criminals
had a beef,

a technicality they hoped
would get them off.

But the problem is that none of them
should feel more slighted than the other.

It's impossible to know
who is Sam's killer.

It's 'cause it's none of them.

It's none of the perps.

It's your snitch.

Billy McGoldrick?

He gave information on
all of them. What's his beef?

I still sent him to jail.
Well, obviously he's out.

And he's the one
who's been following you.

Surveillance photos?
They're spying on her.

Jules,

your house keys
were in your hand.

That picture was taken
from here, Gus.

Wait.

No, actually, the picture
was taken from across...

I'll be damned.
That's him!

Freeze!

You betrayed me
and ruined my life!

You were a snitch
and a criminal!

Of course she sold you out!

Guys... And you killed
Sam, you son of a bitch!

Yeah!
Come on.

Sammy's not even...
Bloody hell, he is dead.

Well, look,
I wish I'd killed him!

But that honor went to
my beautiful new associate...

Heather Rockrear.

Heather Rockrear?

What? That's what
we're calling her.

And the brother's
the Black Gentleman Dandy.

That's correct, Gus. And
you're the Thin White Duke!

You're spot on.

Well...

What?

Look, man, I hate to break it to you.
You don't sound anything like David Bowie.

- No.
- Well, hang on.

Nobody sounds like David Bowie
but David Bowie, full stop.

Well, I think Jemaine Clement
has a pretty good Bowie.

Yup. Look, Psychic
Boy and Magic Head...

Juliet, I would love to kill
all three of you right now,

but unfortunately, I've already
promised I won't do that yet.

And unlike you,

I keep my promises.

Promises?
What are you talking about?

Come on, Jack.
Let's not ruin the ending.

Hey!

I'll be doing all the
Jack-tagging around here,

okay, Jack?

Drop the gun!

Nice, babe. That's nice.
That's clean.

I have just one thing to say...

Always have a plan B.

That couldn't have been
what you were going for.

You check the batteries
in the remote?

Bloody hell. The plan was, I
was gonna do a flippy-do into here,

hit the button, massive metal
door just, like, sha-kunks down.

You know, like in
Empire Strikes Back.

Now it's busted,
and I'm really embarrassed.

You have the right to
remain silent. Yahtzee!

No, wait!

Damn it, we walked
right into that.

It was kinda dope, though.

Let's go.
Yeah.

Lord, I'm gonna pay a steep price
for what I'm about to do to my body.

Hey, Gus, come check out
this douchebag in the hat.

Shawn!

My God.

My dad's having a full-on
seven-eighths life crisis.

Dad, I specifically told you
to dress for dinner,

not Adam Levine's funeral.

I'm allowed to evolve, Shawn.
Is that scarf tweed?

I'll be honest, Pop.
I have been actively shopping

for a walk-in tub

and something called a Rascal
for you for Christmas.

There is no way that you think
this outfit is appropriate.

Shawn, exactly how old
do you think I am?

I know it starts with one.

Yep, it's definitely tweed.
Why do you own a ukulele?

Would you please stay out of
my stuff, and if you must know,

I recently learned The Remedy
from Oliver and Angus.

Oliver and Angus?

Yes, they work at Fomo
next to my loft building.

Did you hear that, Gus?

Oliver and Angus work at Fomo.

What? I saw you
five months ago.

What happened?

I bought my retirement loft with
an unobstructed view of my boat.

I did not plan that the area
would gentrify as quickly as it did,

but rather than getting all
Scroogey about it,

I stayed fluid.

Show me your belly button
and prove you're my father.

Man, some of us are eating.

Hey, Juliet.
Henry.

What a surprise.

Hey.

If somebody makes my
future daughter-in-law a target,

you can bet your ass I'm not
staying home for Christmas,

plus there's a drum circle
down at Union Square

that I'm already
kinda committed to.

Is this a cricket bat?

You should've stayed home.

Whatever this psycho McGoldrick is
up to, he wants me, not you. Any of you.

McGoldrick? The ginger
who works at the baths

down at the Funkzone,
he's behind all this?

No, Dad.
Not that McGoldrick.

This one's one of
Juliet's snitches.

Said he promised someone else
he wasn't gonna kill her,

so the question's who and why.

Puts us back to square one.
Countless perps with axes to grind.

Yeah, but he knows who we are too.
That rapscallion called me Magic Head.

Well, he picked on
the wrong family.

What...

Shawn, that would be your cue.
Yeah, I know my cue, Pop.

This isn't 2010, okay?

I can read my own girlfriend.

I know when she needs
to be comforted, et cetera.

Fiancée.
That's what I said.

No. You said girlfriend.

It's semantics.
It's not semantics, Shawn.

You...

You ate all
the Quatro Quesos Dos Fritos?

Yes, and now I pray for dawn.

It's my problem, Shawn.

Sweetheart, you keep
saying that. It's ridiculous.

Since when is a psychopath
trying to kill you just your problem?

It's more complicated than
that. No, it's not. It's not.

And it's certainly
not more complicated

than me designing
the psychphrancisco office

with a Gremlins motif.

And you signed off
when no one else would.

No one else got it.

Except for you.

You always have my back.

Because that's how we do it.

We take on these
crazy obstacles, right?

And we come at it together,
and we work through it,

because we are an us.
We are a we.

We are... We are lovers
in the nighttime.

Are we? Do we? Should we?

I don't know,
you're Dr. Seuss-ing me now.

I don't even know... What
am I supposed to do with that?

Sorry, I'm just really
wound up right now.

Maybe...

I should help you unwind.

Maybe?

Maybe a little bit of bacon?

That's very sweet of you.

But I'm gonna go outside
and get some air.

Okay. You should
try to get some sleep.

Hey there, partner.
Hey, Carlton.

I'm sorry to bother you so late.

I talked to Henry.

I'm so sorry to hear about Sam.

It was my fault, Carlton.
I highly doubt that.

No, it was.

I colored outside the lines.

I see.

But I'm not your priest, O'Hara.

Besides, we're cops, not saints.

But you are a saint.

And you taught me to be one too.

Listen to me. I took an oath

to put the lives of strangers
before my own.

Meanwhile, I have a daughter
who says a little prayer

every morning asking Jesus to please
let her daddy make it home for dinner.

So, yes, I believe in a code.

But I also believe in doing
whatever it takes

to make sure bad people
don't hurt good people.

Sometimes that means
getting creative.

I think I created a monster.

Well, if you created
the son of a bitch,

then you can take him out.

I'll be there by morning.

Absolutely not.
I can clean up my own messes.

Man, I know what you can do.

You be careful out there. And
tell Spencer to keep sucking it.

Like, keep at it. Do not stop.

Will do.

Please give my best
to your girls.

Jules?

Gus!

Wake up!

Gus, wake up!
I think someone's here!

Gus!

Gus, wake up!

Freeze!

Hey, Shawn.
Mary?

Wait... Mary?

Just a little amuse-bouche.

I uncorked a Malbec
and I crafted a cheese board.

Heavy on the manchego for you,
sans anything blue for me.

It crumbles.

I don't care for that.

Have a slab.

I...

Stay gold.

I'm dreaming.

Thank God.

You scared me, man.

You look handsome.

Leathery.
Get out of here.

You haven't aged a day.
Come on, live fast, die young,

leave a soft-faced corpse.

Shawn.

Do I look like
Richard Thomas to you?

John-Boy Richard Thomas?

There are those
beyond the Pearly Gates

that think there's a resemblance,
and I don't see it, friend.

How's your girl?
She's good.

She's...
She's got a lot going on.

Right now.

It's complicated.
Good.

Yeah.

If I don't find that ring,

I am gonna blow it with her
all over again, man.

Shawn.

I know what you need.

No. Not, I don't...

Mary, easy.

Mary...

I've lost my mind

On what I'd find

All of the pressures
That I left behind

On Allison Road

Warm drawn butter.
I know.

Fools in the rain

If the sun gets through

Fires in the Heaven
of the eyes I knew

On Allison Road

You were right. The Gin
Blossoms is exactly what I needed.

Dark clouds file,
the moon is near

Birds fly by a.m.
In her bedroom stare

There's no telling
what I might find

I couldn't see
I was lost at the time

Jingle jangle dingle
Dangle jingle jangle ding

Jingle jongle dingle dongle

Allison Road

Jingle jangle dingle dangle
Jingle jangle ding

Jingle jongle dingle dongle

Allison Road

I can see I was lost
at the time...

Wait for it...

Could you please keep it down?

I am trying to meditate.

What is that?
Why is he doing that?

Why is he here? Why is...
What is that?

This is my dream!
This isn't for you, sir.

Is nothing sacred anymore?

Fine.

On Allison Road

Shawn.

Shawn!

Shawn!

Would you stop singing
and wake up?

It's morning.

I got to feed the pony.

Stop calling me,
Mischa. I'm out.

Vandalizing cars?
Petty theft?

You're rich and bored,
and it's gross.

And by the way, everyone
knows you stuff your bra.

Well, John Hughes,
eat your heart out.

I mean, I wish I had that kind
of courage when I was your age.

Bravo.

Thanks, but I'm not really cool

with talking to strangers.

Fair enough. I'll do all
the talking. Yeah, there we go.

I'm surprised you
got here before Juliet, Chief,

considering how much closer
she is to your daughter.

Don't worry, she'll be here.

And she still has seven
minutes. Do I look worried?

I'm wearing ladies' makeup
right now.

The belle of the ball.

Just in time.

Thank you for coming so quickly.

I wasn't expecting the cavalry.

They didn't give me
a choice. What's this?

Does no one think the rules
apply to them anymore?

Now I've got to call this in
on this stupid walkie-talkie.

Call it in to who?

Whom. To whom.

Can someone please
explain that to him?

Okay. Clearly we are dealing with
more than just the Thin White Duke,

Heather Rockrear,
and the Black Gentleman Dandy.

Which means Gus and I
should definitely be packing.

Not a chance.
Come on!

That's easy for you to say. We're
gonna be sitting ducks out there.

My perfect head is like catnip
to a long-range rifle scope.

Hi, Karen.

All right, looks like
all of you can come.

Turns out this wasn't
altogether unexpected.

But you're all going to die.

And, moreover, nobody's
packing anything, all right?

You got a gun, it goes in the
bag. And your butts on the boat.

Come on, move it.

You two. I know you're
not packing anything.

Certainly not in your trousers.

Come on. You, in.

Move it. Let's go.
On the boat.

You too, sweetheart.
Come on.

Juliet, no need
to pat you down, right?

So what's the plan?

Well, I didn't know we were getting
into a boat until 10 seconds ago.

I may make a jump for it.

How many sharks do you think
are in the bay?

At least one.
Damn it.

What are you supposed to be now?

Is this The Riddler?

He's funny.

Do you keep him around for the
jokes? Get in the boat, Tobolowsky!

You just called me Tobolowsky.

That is a deep cut,
and now I am very rattled.

Shut up. In you go.

Gus, what do you know
about Alcatraz?

Not much.

Built in 1934,
336 mainline cells,

definitely haunted.

The legendary
Birdman of Alcatraz

did all of his actual breeding
in Leavenworth, Kansas.

Didn't you just say "not much"?

I haven't been since they closed
for restoration last year, Shawn.

No. Shawn,

there's no way
he's taking us to Alcatraz.

Well, I'm absolutely
mortified that no one's here to greet us,

but you just can't find
good help these days, can you?

Please, please, make your way
all the way to the front.

I'll be with you shortly.
Don't dawdle.

Dude, I got to say, this
restoration is coming along great.

If I'm looking
on the bright side,

it's nice to get
a sneak preview.

You're talking about
the bright side of dying in Alcatraz.

Lights!

Is everyone comfortable?

Enough. What have you done
with Iris, you son of a bitch?

Oi, Chatty Cathy, shut it.

I've got a slew of events
planned for tonight,

and I don't want to be rushed.

So! Now that I have delivered
tonight's guest of honor

and, as luck would have it,

all of her stupid-faced friends,

my job here is done.

Thank God.

I literally heard that.
You said it just loud enough

that I could hear what you
said. Where was I?

Yeah, would you like to all
meet tonight's actual headliner?

- Headliner?
- Yeah, man.

She's been paying for all of it.

My God.

So what's the consensus
on the accent?

Because it's definitely
not Bowie.

Allison Cowley!
My dream. "Allison Road."

Gin Blossoms.
I had a d... I had a dream!

Mary was there.
We sang "Allison Road".

You were Prince, and Jules
was Princess Leia,

there was a pony,

the pony said...

Thank you, guys,
for putting up with him.

Really. It was hard
on us all.

But his petty revenge scheme

was just too fortuitous
to pass up!

And I must admit, I was secretly
hoping you'd all show up, family-style.

It's like four
free bowls of soup.

Questions, really? Okay.

I'm sorry,
you just shot your partner.

Not a question, Shawn,

but why split hairs?

He was only useful until now.

He wanted revenge,

but he didn't have
the tool set that I do.

We struck a deal.

He ruins Juliet's legacy,

And then I get to beat
her to death.

- Dude. Cheese cloth.
- It's a classic win-win.

Happens all the time
in the Batman movies.

You're hungry now?

I would never
eat cheese in cloth form.

Painter's cheese cloth, Shawn.

It's used in construction.
For the refurbishment.

It's usually hanging straight down,
but it's pushed to the side over there.

Zero attention span, am I right?

What the hell do you want,
Cowley?

Isn't it obvious?

I want a do-over.

You ruined me.

The night you arrested me was
supposed to be my coming-out party.

Yin to me.
A passing of the torch.

A changing of...
Am I doing too many similes?

I feel like I went one too far.

Comedy often plays in threes.
I'm not doing a bit.

I think Iris is somewhere
through that doorway on the left.

Also, cheese cloth
and the word "refurbishment"

are actual things.

Chief.

Your kid's somewhere
in the building.

There are explosives involved,
so you're facing an uphill battle

even if you do manage
to find her. But, as a woman,

I refuse to believe that you're not
capable of overcoming the odds.

It's just that you're not.

But look at the bright side.

The two of you
get to blow up together.

What'd she say?
I can't hear a word.

Gentlemen,

now that the four of you
have crashed my party,

you have the very
unenviable task

of getting past my colleagues.

They've been instructed to toy with you
and give you a false sense of confidence

and then kill you in whichever
order or way feels most fun.

Put me down for
auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Who is this guy?

I'm the assistant coroner,
bitch.

Come on.
Okay. All right.

I have to apologize to everybody
for that whole, "bitch" thing.

That was uncalled-for.
Strode, shut up.

- She's about to kill us.
- That's no excuse, Henry.

It's a new world.
I know it. We all know it.

And there is no reason

that your gender should have
any bearing on my choice of insults.

Are you serious?

Duly noted.

Can you shut up forever?
Yes.

Which brings me
to Little Miss...

Little-Miss-Can't-Be-Wrong.

We have unfinished business.

I didn't say go.
Did anyone hear "go"?

All right, what the hell.

Timer's set to 20. Let's do it
right this time.

Kill the lights.

Who... Who's Iris?

Jules!
Iris! Iris?

Jules, wait! Maybe we
should stick together.

Iris!

Gus, what are you doing?
What, are you leaving?

I'm getting us to the lighthouse
to signal for help, Shawn.

Technically that's leaving.

I'm not commenting on plans

once I get to the
lighthouse, Shawn.

But someone's
gotta wait outside.

Good evening, gentlemen.

I will be dismantling the both
of you in a matter of moments.

Shawn Spencer.
Verb.

Pleasure.
Everything good?

Gus,

he's no dandy.

He's a black gentleman ninja.

Still no ring
on the finger, I see.

Why does everyone
keep saying that?

I'm not crazy about
overpowering a woman in a singlet.

She's not wearing
a singlet. No, I am.

Under my clothes.

You know, I've been dealing
with broads like you

my entire...

Apparently my milkshake
brings old bald guys to the yard.

I have a ribbon.

No! No! No! No! No!
No! No! No! No! No!

Not the arm!
Not the arm!

No. No. No! No!
No! No!

Please!

Tap out! Tap out! Tap out!

Iris!

Iris?

Gus, I'm not even scared
anymore. This is simply bedazzling.

I'm transfixed. How long
is this display going on for?

Hopefully long enough
for him to wear himself out.

Okay, that's next level.
The man gravity forgot.

Iris!

Hi.

It's okay. It's okay?

Just sit tight, okay?

Sit tight, baby.

Okay, I'm gonna
get you out of here.

I shouldn't have rejected
Selene, Shawn.

She's almost everything
I ever wanted in a woman,

short of being Gugu Mbatha-Raw.

I'm so stubborn
about the Pluto thing.

And you know I've got
to be the cheetah, Shawn.

The cheetah!
Gus, you are a cheetah.

And she's basically
the female version of you.

You know that.
I know.

I should've married Jules
three years ago.

This ring is just another excuse
for me to avoid responsibility.

She deserves better than
me, Gus. No. No, Shawn.

She deserves the best
version of you. Hey.

I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you.

Let's do the thing
that we're best at.

You know that's right.

We can't go out like this, Ryan.

My name is Henry. You've
known me for nine years, Strode.

Sorry. I can't stop thinking
about Ryan Reynolds.

What can we do?
I don't know.

She's so much fitter than us.

Look at my thighs.

It's the last thing
I want you to see.

Yeah!

That's it! Go, go!
Hang on, I'm stuck.

We need a key to the cell!
Let's go!

My God, I never...
I can't feel my arm.

I can't feel my leg.
How am I walking?

I can't feel my limbs!
How am I walking?

- I'll get another one.
- My God. I killed her!

Isn't it funny, Juliet?

I mean, we're both blonde.

We're both smart.

Business up front,
party in the back.

I could've been you,
and you could've been me.

There's really only
one thing that separates us.

You mean besides the capacity
to feel empathy?

No. Just that. Why, can
you think of something else?

I can.

So, Shawn's office

is at the end of an alley
in Chinatown.

It's called psychphrancisco,
all one word, all lowercase.

"Ph" for the "f".
Not the wisest marketing move.

But we are a we.

We are an us.
We are lovers in the night.

So we support each other even
when we make questionable decisions.

This is the weirdest stalling
for time speech I've ever heard.

It basically means I spend my weekends
in Chinatown waiting on rickshaws

and jade birdcages
to be delivered.

Shawn loves Gremlins.
I mean, who doesn't?

It's my favorite
Christmas movie.

Technically, it's not
a Christmas movie,

and I feel like you're just
getting further off-topic.

Point is,

there's this incredible
martial arts gym next door.

And I never knew

what a "kip up" was

until I took the class.

We need a key.

Dad?

Hello, gentlemen.

How fortuitous.

Three birds, one wire.

Gus, there's a table.

What?
Gus, there's a table.

That has never worked, Shawn.
It did work once.

Hi, baby, hi.

Chief, stop! She said
there'd be explosives.

Okay.

Okay, I need you to go back
as far as you can,

'cause we are gonna get this.

Okay?

Let him go, Gentleman Ninja.

I'm afraid this is the end.

Well, I'm afraid my dad's
not gonna die tonight.

At least not by
your deftly manicured hands.

I suppose natural causes
is still on the table.

What?
The table.

No.
Yes.

When?
Now!

Damn it!
He's so nimble!

Freeze!
You elegant bastard.

Woody, Woody.
Thank God.

Cheers. Cheers.

Okay. Just get out of here,
Juliet, okay?

Just, please, just go.

Okay, baby, I need you
to go back as far as you can

because Mommy's
not going anywhere.

Don't pull the wire!

It's a code, it's a date!
I heard them.

It's the day Mr. Yin died
and she got arrested!

Why do you know that?

It was kind of
a big night for me.

Mom?
Hey.

Hi, baby.

There you are.

Let's get this off?

Shawn, I think I'm gonna bounce.
I got a unicycling class that starts...

Screw it.

Nah, I'm going fishing.

Am I the only one who's hungry?

- I could eat.
- Gus?

Dude, you have to block
this girl from your Instagram.

What?

What are you doing here?

Thank you.

Selene, before we go any
further, let me just say this.

That was the best fluffernutter
sandwich I've ever eaten in my entire life.

And I'm completely willing
to make a go at this.

But you must let me be the
cheetah in this relationship.

Done.
Cool.

That is not letting me be
the cheetah.

Shawn Spencer. Psychic.

Word's really, gotten out on this thing.

You promised me that
you had these skills.

I'm here to tell you,
all those things you claimed,

those premonitions
you told me...

They came true!

How do you do it? No, really?

Well...
It's unbelievable, man.

What? You're serious?

Those things actually
happened? Every one.

- How? How?
- Gus... Gus...

What?
You know how.

It's just a new program
we have down at the Bureau.

That's the Internal
Revenue Service.

It's called "Clean Start."
You're all clear on your taxes.

Happy holidays.

That was close, sir.

You must have a guardian angel.

Can I borrow your salt?

Sharp pains!

Let this be a
cautionary tale to all.

You have a gift, my friend.

That's a sweet thing
to say from you...

Yeah. In return, I
have a gift for you.

- That's... It's too much.
- He's gonna shoot us.

We should've never taken
the bait, damn it!

It's...

You were right.

Very difficult to find.

But your three years
were not wasted looking.

You just weren't willing
to break any limbs

to get your information.

You are so lucky.

No way.

What?

Is that...

Yeah.

My God.

That's totally it.

Thank you.

I'm ready.

You are?
Hell yes.

You have been so patient.

And I love you so much.

And I'm so grateful for you.

So let's go to the airport

and fly to Iceland
and rent a volcano.

Or we can venture
to your family's homeland

in Inverness and vow it up
surrounded by Highland cows.

Curious beasts.
Or!

Or we can get married
on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

We'd have to talk fast,
'cause I think the ride's

only a minute and a half long,
and the car only seats four...

And we'll need room
for Gus and... Shawn.

I don't need any of that.

I never have.

You're gonna want one of those
cows. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Let's just call a Lyft
and go to Vegas right now.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay.

Yes, Mr. Proveedor?

I'm ordained.

What? I'll be your
maid of honor.

No, no, no, no.
I don't think so. Please.

Mom...
Overreaching.

You know what?
Completely my fault.

Move it, Vick. We're
ready to begin.

Woody!

Gus.

- You knew this was gonna happen, Shawn.
- I know.

But you gotta pull it together,

'cause I need your
best man speech to kill.

It will.

Hey.

My sincerest congratulations
to the both of you.

Thanks, man.
You're welcome.

Very kind.

That's just a good dude.
Brother's gotta make a living.

- This economy? Absolutely.
- Yeah.

Shall we begin?
I do.

Me too.

You skipped a few things.

It's okay.
Right, sure.

Let's start from the beginning.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here to celebrate
the union of two lovely people

and, bear witness

to their union
and holy matrimony.

Should anyone here know
of any reason this couple

should not wed, please speak
now or forever hold your peace.

Yeah, I have a few
things I'd like to get off my chest.

- Woody, really?
- Not about this.

- Can I wait until later?
- Yeah, I think so.

You know what?
I'm gonna wait.

Gus! We're gonna need
a bigger boat!

Stop playing around, Shawn.

The girls are already
at the airport, checked in.

Find your damn passport.
Boom! Found it.

Hey, should I slice this
up for the road?

Let's go, Shawn.

Look, I'ma ask you this
one more time.

Are you absolutely sure
Juliet is okay with Selene and I

tagging along on your honeymoon?

She's come to expect
nothing less.

All right.

Should we be worried?
Nah, it's Chinatown.

It's probably firecrackers
or Jiffy Pop.

Bubble wrap, bubble tea. Could
be any one of those things, Gus.

Congratulations, bro!

Finally made an honest
woman out of my sis.

Ewan? What the hell
are you doing here?

Man.

I'm chillin'.

Hey, you guys got
a back door in here?

Gus!

So I was just gonna
mail you a wedding present,

but that's, like, a dick
move, so here you go.

And tied a little business in
at the same time.

Quick ask, do you guys
have a Kevlar vest

or possibly a lead shield
I could borrow?

But...

Actually, we're on our way to
the airport for my honeymoon.

Jamaica.
Jamaica!

Jamaica!

That's, like,
so played out, right?

They got johnnycakes
at the Giants game now.

That's not funny, Ewan.

Sweet pad. Gremlins, right?
Yes.

What happened to the Mogwai?

We ran into
some licensing issues.

Ewan O'Hara.

Come out with your hands up.

Guys, this is all about
me. You have nothing to worry about.

Shawn Spencer and
associate, come out as well.

Okay, now it's about
you guys too.

Could be a problem.
Associate?

I pay the damn rent
in this place!

Maybe if you were around more
often, they'd know who you were.

We're giving you 10 seconds.

Okay, quick change of plans.

We gotta call an audible.
Jamaica's out.

We'll split the heat with my sister.
How do you guys feel about Oslo?

He definitely shot
Kennedy. The city.

They named a city
after that son of a bitch?

Shawn...
Gents.

Good time to chat,
but the back door!

It's really more of a staircase

that leads to a tunnel
that lets out in Nob Hill.

Dude, Nob Hill?

Three...
Where's the present?

I left it over there.
You're gonna need the present.

- Bogies! 12:00.
- One.

We have contact!

Through the window!

Better be an awesome gift!

Don't ever break
the casing or drop it!

That's not really
a wedding gift, is it?

It's the thought
that counts, Gus!