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Woman:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
Whitney Cummings!

(cheering)

I have to pee.
I'm good!

What is up, bitches? Come on!

(cheering)

Thank you so much
for being here.

I'm shooting my HBO special,
no big deal.

This has been a dream
of mine for a very long time,

so thank you for being here,
for showing up.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you for
wearing shorts, sir.

You were getting ready,

you're like, "I'm going
to Whitney's dream come true,
and I'm gonna--

"I'm gonna wear
these seersucker--"

operative word:
suck-- "shorts.

"I just want her to look
at my scrotum the whole night

to let her know what I think
of her accomplishments."

You know, just that thigh.

You know, that weird part
of your thigh that just looks
like a swollen vagina?

That's what I'm looking at.

Really appr--
Thanks for shaving, sir.

And where's the camera.
Is there a camera in the--

And for you guys at home,
if you're watching this
on YouTube,

fuck you,

Go to HBO Go,
like an adult,

so I can get ten cents,
okay, out of this view.

(cheers, applause)

Thank you.

I'm wearing heels tonight,
it's the least you could
fucking do.

I like you guys.
You guys are hot, sexy.

Sexy people.
Are you guys young? Young?

Yeah? Yeah?
Anyone in their 20s?

20s?
Audience: Whoo!

That's what you do
in your 20s, you "whoo."

Hold old are you?

27.
27.

Well, you're 30.

(laughter, applause)

Younger than 27?

Woman: 24.
24! (laughing)

Yeah, life's about
to fuck you up real bad.

I love seeing girls
in their 20s. It cracks
me up, man.

It reminds me
of when I was in my 20s.

'Cause when I was in my 20s,
I was such an idiot.

Like, when I was in my 20s,
I was the worst
combination of--

I was arrogant, but I was
also, like, delusional,
you know?

Like, when I was in my 20s,
I thought that I was a catch.

I thought I was funny
and interesting and smart,

but I wasn't. You're not.

Okay? It's just that guys want
to have sex with you, right?

So they laugh
at your stupid jokes.

They listen to your
boring-ass stories.

And then you start getting
an ego. You start thinking
you're awesome.

Then you turn 30,
and guys stop wanting
to have sex with you,

and then you're just left
with a terrible personality.

That's what happened to me.
I got enabled in my 20s,

now I'm in my 30s,
and I'm just a... dick.

I'm the worst. I'm loud.
I'm obnoxious. I'm bossy.

You know? But I think I got
confused about what guys like.

'Cause you remember there was
a rumor going around
for a while

that men like
strong women?

People would say that.
They'd be like,
"Men like strong women.

Men like independent,
strong women."

Yeah, no they don't.

Okay, I've seen porn.

Men like Asian schoolgirls

with duct tape
over their mouths.

(laughter, applause)

That's what men like.

Literally, in porn they have
categories you can pick from.

There's a menu on the side.
It's like,

"girl-on-girl, college girls,"

there's no "CEO."

(laughter)

Guys aren't watching
porn, like,

"Yeah, girl, get
that promotion, yeah."

It sucks.

It sucks because I feel like
I worked my ass off
to accomplish my goals,

to accomplish my dreams.

Now I feel like
I have the best life ever.

I have the career I want,
but guys are not into that.

Guys aren't into
self-sufficient girls,

you know, who are independent.

That's not a turn-on.
I'm not a sexy woman.

My dirty talk is not sexy.

I'm like, "Hey, wanna
come back to my house...

that I own?"

(laughter)

Not a turn-on.

Guys like girls to be, like,
vulnerable and coy.

Guy's like girls
to be like "Mmm...

"I'm lost.

"Can you help me? Mmm...

Your dick's too big,
it hurts. Mmm..."

It doesn't.

(laughter, applause)

I'm in my 30s.
Nothing fucking hurts anymore.

My lower back kind of hurts.

(laughter)
That's another...

That's a different story.

So, I don't know what
to do, you know? I can't stop
achieving my goals, right?

I can't stop
doing what I love.

So I feel like what I need
to start doing is when I meet
a guy that I like,

I just need to acknowledge
what they find unattractive
about me

and just straight up
negotiate with them.

I'm gonna be like, "Look,
I know I'm not 24, but...

"I have a pool."

"I know I'm not adorable
and coy, but I can pay
all your bills.

I can get you out
of debt today!"

There's so much evidence
in our culture that you guys
like tiny, fragile women.

You know, especially
in our vernacular.

Even the fact that you guys
call us "baby."

No one else
think that's weird?

Especially in
a sexual connotation.

Baby is the only
socially acceptable
increment of age

you can say to a woman
in bed, you know?

You can't be like, "Yeah,
bend over toddler, yeah."

"Yeah, you like that,
preteen? Uhn!"

I don't like it.
I think it's creepy.

That's when a guy calls me
"baby" in bed, I'll be like,

"Waah!"

And then I just shit
my pants just to make a point.

Like, you want a baby,
you got one, weirdo.

Guys like girls to be babies,
and guys like girls to be bad.

Right? You guys
like "bad girls."

So bizarre.

It always happens,
you start dating a guy,

it's only a matter of time
before you're having sex
and he's like,

"Are you a bad girl?"

I'm always like,

"No.

I pay my taxes on time."

And, also, I feel like
before we play this game
of Are You a Bad Girl,

we should agree on
a definition of bad that works
for both of us, okay?

I'm a comedian,
my taste is a little bit off.

If I was really gonna
double down on the
bad girl game, I'd be like,

"Yeah, I'm a bad girl,
I have herpes and I didn't
tell you, yeah."

Man:
No!
"No"?

"It's not--
That's not an aphrodisiac,
okay, right.

We'll circle back,
I'll work on that."

Guys like girls
to be babies, guys like
girls to be bad,

and guys like girls
to be exotic.

Guys are into
exotic girls now.

I know this because
a girlfriend of mine

set me up on a blind date
with this guy,

then she called me
and rescinded the date.

She was like, "Yeah,
it's not gonna work out.

I found out he's
only into Cuban girls."

I was like, "All right,
I can put on some self-tanner,

and drink out of
a fucking coconut.
What do you want?"

And she was like, "No,
it's not about the skin color.

"He's not into Brazilian
girls, he's not into Spanish,
it's just Cuban."

And I was trying to figure out
like, what is the fetish of
the island of Cuba? Just Cuba.

The only thing I could deduce
is that Cuban girls must be
super fun to date

'cause they're
super easy to impress

'cause they've never had
American products before.

So, he's like,
"I got you a Coca-Cola."

She's like, "Oh my God,
he's a millionaire!"

Yeah, you guys have to read
the news to get that one.

I think it's gonna be
harder and harder for you guys

to find these kind of weak,
submissive women.

'Cause women aren't like
that anymore. Women are
badasses now.

All my girlfriends are strong,
self-sufficient, have
awesome jobs, you know?

And I-- Here's the thing.

I think feminism is working,

but I don't know
if you guys like it.

I think you guys
are mad at us about it,

and it's coming out
in nefarious ways.

Like, the way guys talk
about women has gotten
more aggressive.

The way guys talk about
having sex with women has
gotten super violent.

I was talking to a guy
friend of mine a couple
weeks ago,

and he goes,

"I hooked up with
this girl the other night.

Destroyed that shit."

It's like,
"Excuse me?"

He goes, "Yeah, dude,
I murdered that shit, bro."

It's like, first of all,
you did not murder her.

She's fine.

She's at home. She might be
a little disappointed,

but she's gonna...

She's gonna get through it.
She survived the wrath
of your murderous dick.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

You did not kill her.

You might have given her
a urinary tract infection,

but she's gonna--
She's gonna bounce back.

I don't think that's
a healthy way to talk
about women.

And my theory is that
women have gotten stronger,

and as they get
more self-sufficient,

you guys are getting
more aggressive towards us.

'Cause 10-15 years ago,
you guys didn't talk
that way about women.

You guys would say, you know,
like, "I'm gonna tap that."

Right? "I'm gonna hit that."

Now it's like,
"I'm gonna murder it."

I feel like in 10 years,
it's gonna be so disgusting.

Guys, you'll be like,
"Hooked up with this
girl the other night.

"Scalped the bitch, bro.

"She's a full amputee now.

"Motherfucking no legs.

"Eats from a tube.

"My dick.

You know Helen Keller?
My dick did that."

It's too much.

I don't think
music is helping.

Music has gotten
so rude towards women.

Have you guys
heard the song "Fight Night."

No black people here?
That's embarrassing.

Santa Monica.
Hashtag Santa Monica.

(laughter, applause)

Are you applauding?
Like, some kind of
white power rally?

Don't applaud that!

Oh, God.

The song goes,
"I'm gonna knock
that pussy out

like it's fight night."

That's a song.

There's another song that says
"I'm gonna beat
that pussy up."

I'm like, I'm sorry,
what did our vaginas
ever do to you?

Besides give you life

and make you feel amazing
all the time?

How 'bout instead
of beating it up
and knocking it out,

how 'bout maybe, I don't know,
giving it an orgasm?

I don't know.

(cheering, applause)

I would like
to hear that song.

"I'm gonna make you
climax, girl.

I'm gonna make you
trust me."

I...

(laughter)

I would like
to hear that song.

I blame rappers.

It's not just male
rappers, female rappers
are just as bad.

You guys know Nicki Minaj?

Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans?

I used to love Nicki Minaj.

But then I heard her talk,

and it wasn't good.

So, she sounded like
such a hypocrite,

and I think she's a bad
role model 'cause she was up
there, and she was like,

"You know, men don't
respect me in the rap game
because I'm a woman,

and people don't respect me
'cause I'm a woman."

I was like, no, no, no.
Uh, not at all.

We don't respect you
'cause we can see
your asshole.

Has nothing to do
with the fact that you're
a woman, okay?

We respected Mary J. Blige
just fine.

Here's my point.

I think that women
should be able
to be sexy and glamorous,

and feminine and professional.

You could be
a myriad of things.

But as you're getting
dressed for your album cover,

you also have to acknowledge
basic human nature
and neurology, okay?

You have to acknowledge
the fact that men's brains are
basically only designed

to look for holes.

It's pretty much
all they're doing
at any given moment,

just scanning for crevices.

They're like gophers,
just looking for holes
to get into.

Counting, like, two, four...
eight, that's a golf course.

Constantly adding them up.

So, sometimes we have
to help you guys out.

You get very
distracted by that, right?

When I look
at Nicki Minaj's ass,

I think awful, terrible,
shameful things.

I'll be like, "Yeah, I bet
if I hit that from behind
that shit would pop."

I'm like,
"Oh, my God!"

So, I can't even imagine
what you guys are thinking,
you know?

And here's the thing,
I'm a comedian.

I want you guys to listen
to what I'm saying,

I want you to think
I'm funny, I want you
to focus.

So, I'm not gonna do stand-up
like this...

(laughter)

(cheering)

This is not the most
effective way to do
stand-up, right?

I'm not gonna be like,
"Hey, guys, did you see that
election coverage last night?

"Yeah!" No.

You can't focus because
if I'm standing like this,

you're either looking
at my ass,

which you're not,

which is very insulting.

Is that your girlfriend?

Right there?

Yes?

She-- He goes,

"Clearly."

Why, because you're not
allowed to look at an ass

that's two feet
in front of your face?

I like her. She runs
a tight ship. I respect that.

He did not even look.

So regardless,
you're either looking
at my ass,

or worrying about my knees,
one of the two.

So, that's not
the best position,

and I think that that's
just a hypocritical way
to operate

because guys can't have
their dicks out, you know?

Like, male rappers can't
rap with their dicks out.

If I saw a male rapper
with his dick out, I wouldn't
be respecting him either,

or listening
to what he was saying.

If I saw a male rapper
with his dick out, I would
be calling the police,

which is such a testament
to the nature of man.

That when a woman is naked,
you're like, "Look at
that beautiful woman,"

and when a man is naked,
you're like, "There was
a crime.

Something horrible
happened over there, guys."

It's an interesting time.
We're living in
a fascinating time.

We're living in a time
where women have money, okay?

Which is-- Do you realize
how new that is, right?

That's like
30 years old, or something,

and there's no blueprint
for how to operate,

and I think it's really
messing up the power dynamic.

Like, the fact that I can
pay my own bills, that's
such a big deal for me.

I thought that making money
was gonna solve
all my problems,

especially my
relationship problems.

'Cause when I was in my 20s,
I had to date guys that
had money

'cause I didn't have any.

But now that I make
my own money,

I felt like it opened up
this whole new pool
of broke guys

that I couldn't date before,

so I've been doing that.

They're much nicer.

And the last guy I dated,
I paid for everything.

I paid for trips,
I paid for dinners,

and now that I've sort of
been the man in
the relationship,

now that I've been
in your shoes,

I now understand why
you guys hate us.

It's 'cause we owe you
so much fucking money.

And something
happens psychologically

when you start to pay
for someone where you start
to hate them.

Start to hate everything
about them. You resent them.

You start keeping score
of everything they do.

One day he came home.
He was drinking
a coconut water.

It's like, "Coconut water?
What are you, the queen
of fucking England?

"How 'bout you drink out
of the tap like a goddamn
man, how 'bout that?"

And then they nag you.
They always need something
from you, you know?

He'd be like, "Do you wanna go
to dinner?" I'm like,
"You just ate yesterday.

Do you have a tapeworm?
What's the problem?"

I feel like I now understand
why you guys are always so
disappointed in us, too.

'Cause something happens
when you start paying
for someone

where you start to get
these high expectations
for their behavior.

Like, as soon as I started
paying for him,

I started expecting him
to like, do chores out
of nowhere.

Like, one night we went
to dinner, I spent $200
on dinner,

the next morning I woke up,
I was like, "This is weird,

it's 8:00 a.m.,
and I don't smell eggs.

Yeah, chop-chop, bitch.
Mommy's hungry."

It's tricky.

I also started noticing
all these, like,
unspoken rules that happen

with the expectations
based on who pays.

Like, the expectation if
the man pays for the woman

is that she's gonna
have sex with you, right?

But when I was
paying for the man,

the expectation was I am not
gonna have sex with you,

and we're gonna stay up
all night talking about
my dreams.

We're gonna read some
horoscopes tonight, bitch.

And then I saw, like,
all the insidious
institutionalized sexism.

Like, every time
we would go to dinner,

the waiter would
automatically give
him the check.

And then he would
fucking take it,

and then when the waiter
would leave, he would slide
it over to me.

I was like,
"Oh, hell no!"

If you take the check,
you're paying.

You better find yourself
a Groupon real fast.

I also get now
why people stay
in relationships too long.

Because money makes
things stickier.

Like, I feel like I stayed
in that relationship three
months too long

just 'cause I didn't want
to get a bad return
on my money.

Because dating is such
a terrible investment.

Which made me think, like,
I can't believe we just run
around spending money

on relationships that we don't
know is gonna work out.

It's a terrible investment.

I feel like there should be
some kind of insurance
in place to protect us.

Like, I feel like dating
should be like checking
into a hotel.

Okay, you and I are gonna
start dating.

As soon as we start dating,
you have to put your credit
card down.

Three months later,
if you want to break up,

I'll be like, "All right,
well, let's look at your bill.

Yeah, you owe me $3,200
or you can't fucking leave."

And now that I've spent
my hard-earned money on
someone that I never see,

I can't stand that it's
just assumed that you guys
pay for everything.

I think that is so messed up.
I'm on your guys' side
about this.

I think it's insane that it's
just socially constructed
that you pay for everything.

I think that's nuts.

I actually think if you guys
take a girl to dinner
three times

and you pay,
and then you never hear
from her again,

I think you should be able
to call the police.

That's some bullshit.

I am very ashamed
of how the relationship
ended, though.

I'm embarrassed about it,
but I think it's important
to talk about.

I think I just lost
respect for him

because he wasn't contributing
in any way financially.

Which is messed up because
I feel like women don't
contribute to relationships

all the time,
and that's okay.

But I think the problem
is human nature.

I think for evolutionary
purposes, we are hardwired

to stop being sexually
attracted to men when they
show any kind of weakness.

And I know this is true
'cause one time I was dating
this guy,

I was madly in love with him.
Like, I thought that we were
gonna get married.

We're walking down
the street,

and he tripped and fell.

And I instantly fell out
of love with him.

I just-- Like, I couldn't--
Like, I was embarrassed
to even be near him.

Like, I was disgusted by him.

I think my primal brain
was like,

"No, he is not a provider.

"He cannot protect you.

"He's a danger to you
and the whole tribe.

The whole species
is in trouble."

It's cold-blooded, man.

Cold-blooded.

I love that women have
money now. It's so cool.

But I feel like there's still
this residual stereotype.

Even though women have money,
there's this stereotype that
all women are gold-diggers.

You know, like all my guy
friends truly believe

that women want to have sex
with them, get pregnant
with their baby,

and just take everything
for all they're worth.

Take them for
all their... shorts.

I don't want your shorts.
Okay? I'm not interested.

I know that this is true,
'cause last year I dated a guy

who treated me
like I was a gold-digger.

Backstory: First of all,
he did not have a job.

That's important.

The second is kind of graphic,

which is that something
happened to me when
I turned 30

where I just could not
use condoms anymore.

I'd--
(cheering)

Oh, okay. Well, that's
really aggressive.

Just... troubling.

No, I think
it's actually because
I got health insurance.

Something happens when you
get health insurance.
It's very liberating.

I was like, "This is
Obamacare's problem now.

It's not my problem."

So, I said to him,
I was like, "Hey, I don't
have anything,

so if you don't have
anything, let's just not
use condoms."

And he's like, "Yeah, but
I feel like we should still
use condoms, you know,

like, so you don't
get pregnant."

I was like, "Oh, no.
We're good. I'm on the pill."

He was like,
"Yeah, but the pill,

it's only 98% effective."

I was like, "I'm sorry.

"Do you think that I want
your broke-ass fucking baby?

"You think I'm scamming
to get your shitty kid?

"So I can take you
for all you're worth?

"What am I gonna take,
your fucking roommates?

"The five grown-ass
men you live with
in a studio apartment?

"I'm not a gold-digger.
I'm the one with
the gold, dummy.

"Okay, trust me, if I got
pregnant with your child,

"my lawyer would come over,
and they would... terminate
that shit himself, okay?

We're good.
We're fine."

Ridiculous.

I don't want a white baby.
What am I gonna do
with a white baby?

That's embarrassing.

I'd like to think
I'm a little more
successful than that.

Brings me to a topic
I'm very passionate about,

which is birth control options
that are available to women.

I can't believe that we don't
have better options for
birth control.

They all drive me crazy.
What are you on?

What are you taking?
It's an IUD.

You have an IUD. Come up here,
we're gonna take it out.

I hate this product.

Is yours plastic or metal?

Plastic.
Yours is plastic.

Okay, well, she's got
a McDonalds toy in her body
right now.

Most of them are metal,
some are plastic.

Most of them are a little
piece of metal they put
inside your uterus.

I'm like, I don't want
metal inside my body.

I don't wanna be going through
airport security

and having the guys behind
the x-ray machine like,

"Oh, look at this slut
coming through.

"This bitch had to put
a tin can up in there

to stop all that sperm."

No, I don't want
metal in my body.

What if there's a storm?

"Guys, I can't make it
tonight, it's raining."

I hate this product.

Mostly because, like,
they would never develop
that product for men.

That would never be a product
on the market for men.

Right? You and I would
never be dating,

and you'd be like,
"Babe, what should we do
for birth control?"

I'd be like,
"I have an idea.

"How about we take a metal rod
and put it up your dick hole,

"and leave it there
for about five years,

or until it gets infected.
Is that a good idea?"

I hate this product.

And it has like,
three pages of side effects.

I can't believe that they
release a product with
three pages of side effects.

I'm like,
"Go back, it's not ready."

I looked at the side effects
for the IUD.

It was like migraines,
abdominal pain,
and depression.

I was like, "I might as well
have a fucking kid."

What about you?
What are you up to?

Pill.

The pill.
Do you know which one?

No?

This fucking generation, man.

They don't even--
They'll just put anything
in their mouths.

They don't even care.
Like, "Oh, poison? Fine."

You don't even--
Do you know what color
the box is, at least?

It's pink.
It's pink.

Motherfuckers.

I hate that.
That drives me nuts.

Like, that is so--
Everything about the pill
is insulting to me.

The fact they make
the box pink.
The pill is pink,

as if all women
just like, love pink.

And if the pill being pink

affects your decision
of whether you're gonna
take it or not,

that means you're 10 years old
and you're too young to be on
birth control anyway, okay?

Second of all, if you want
me to remember to take my pill
every day, don't make it pink.

Make it in the shape
of tiny crying babies.

I can't stand the pill.

I actually just
read this article
about how the pill works.

Basically, the way the pill
works is it tricks your body
into thinking you're pregnant.

Your brain starts producing
the same neurochemicals
and hormones

as if your body
is pregnant, you know this.

You watch Oprah. Good girl.

And then you start being
attracted to more alpha males.

Their pheromones start
smelling stronger,

and you're attracted
to alpha males,

the kind of man that could
protect your future offspring.

The problem
is that in modern times

alpha males are signified
by tattoos and motorcycles,

which explains why I've been
dating such assholes since
I'm 15 years old.

The way that it works is that
I meet a nice, sensitive guy

I want to share
my future with.

I start taking birth control
to plan it,

and then all of a sudden,
I only can have an orgasm
if I smell Axe body spray.

That's not fair.

And it's an example of how
biology has not yet caught up
with modern technology.

It's the 21st century,
I don't need an alpha male
to protect me.

We have street lights, okay?

We have alarm systems.
I don't need an alpha male.

I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi,
so I can google "Can I take
Xanax while pregnant?"

That's my baby's father.

Okay? I don't need a big,
strong man to fight off
a tiger.

I need a geek who can get
my naked photos off the cloud.

I hate the pill.

Everything about the packaging
of the pill is so insulting.

Like, even the fact that it's
the only medication that comes
with a calendar.

Like we're too stupid
to remember to take our
pill every day.

The guys that developed it
are like, "They can't handle
taking their pill every day,

"so let's make it look like
a tiny advent calendar,

"and we'll trick them into
taking it. They'll be like,

"'Ooh, chocolate?
Gobble, gobble, gobble.'"

I feel like the calendar's
actually for you guys.

'Cause I know you guys like,
go and look at our pill
at 2:00 in the morning,

and you're like,
"Oh, Wednesday's empty,
thank God."

They put so much effort into
trying to make sure we don't
forget to take our pill.

Like, they make a patch.

Have you heard of
the birth control patch?

It's like a sticker
you put on your shoulder

that administers
the medication for you.

It's like, can you imagine
getting a girl naked

and seeing a giant patch?

Like, "Ooh, she's slutty
and she has a bad memory.

That's wifey material.
Put a ring on that shit."

So, I told my doctor
I didn't want to use
birth control pills anymore,

and she was like,
"Oh, well, you should use
the morning after pill.

You know,
the plan B pill is now
available over-the-counter."

I'm just like,
"How lazy can you be?"

The guy's like,
"Do you have a condom?"
I'm like, "Ugh.

Let's just deal
with it in the morning."

Which, by the way,
we're not gonna deal
with it in the morning.

I'm the one that has
to deal with it.

I'm the one who has
to wake up at 6:00 a.m.
and go stand in line.

And you realize the morning
after pill is $49?

I have never had sex
with a guy and the next
morning been like,

"Yeah, that was
worth 50 bucks."

And it's not just 50 bucks
'cause you can't just buy
a morning after pill alone

or the cashier's gonna
think you're a slut.

So, you gotta buy a bunch
of other products to put
on top of it to hide it.

You know? You gotta crowd it
with like, Q-tips and floss,

and a bunch of other shit
you're never gonna use.

What else is there?
Am I missing anything?

NuvaRing? That's not still
happening, is it?

NuvaRing? What are you doing?

The pill.
What kind? Do you know?

You're on Ortho Tri-Cyclen?

That's some '90s shit.
I was taking that in the '90s!

Bitch, you are loyal.
I like that.

Are you still on AOL?

Jamming out with a Walkman,
she's like, "Unh!"
with her CD, "Mmm."

NuvaRing. No NuvaRing?
Woman: Yes!

Yes, okay. Let's--
Do you have it in right now?

Yes?
Yes!

Yeah, okay. Good to know.
I just wanted to get
a visual, thank you.

I gotta have some fun
up here, too, guys.

I just-- To me, the NuvaRing,
that is just proof

that doctors get stoned
out of their minds

and just start brainstorming
ideas for women's
birth control.

They're like,
"Oh my God, oh my God,
I have an idea.

"What if we took
a piece of tupperware

"and made it in the shape
of our dicks

"so when we're having sex
we can, like, play
basketball with our dicks?"

They'll be like,
"Yeah, two points!
Two points! Two points!"

The only logical
explanation for that.

I know a lot about
birth control right now

because I recently had to do
something kind of cool.

I have an announcement
to make. Do you guys
want to hear it?

Audience: Yeah!

Last month I froze my eggs.

(cheers)

I always love
this reaction from people.

'Cause the women always clap
and the guys just panic.

Like, they just--
They think they're
in trouble or something.

Which is so weird to me
because I thought guys would
love that I froze my eggs.

I thought I would be, like,
the sexy, awesome girl

who doesn't want
to get pregnant right now.

But no, it's not hot.

It's not an aphrodisiac.
Guys aren't into it.

You can't be hooking up
with a guy and he's like,
"Hey, do you have a condom?"

I'm like, "Don't worry,
boo, my shit's on ice
down by the airport."

Guy's aren't into it.

Maybe it's 'cause you guys
don't know what it is?
That's what I think.

Do you know what it is?

No idea.

Just based on the words
egg freezing?

Just freeze 'em?
Just freeze 'em?

Just-- That's--
What's that move?

Just freeze 'em.

You mean, like--
They're not in my freezer.

It's not like
a freezer drawer.

Just put 'em in the fridge.

Just-- You know
what this guy is?

Just based on your
response to that,

you seem like you're,
like, "literal guy," you know?

Like, everyone's
dated literal guy.

The guy who in an argument
just sticks to the facts.

You're the guy who's like,
"No, I didn't say you
were a bitch,

I said you were
being a bitch."

And then you're like,
"Shit, I gotta regroup.
Hold on."

What about you?
Do you know what it is,
egg freezing?

Yes, you do? What?

Cryopreserve your eggs.

Whoa, good!
You cryopreserve your eggs.

That was good.
You've been watching
some weird porn, obviously.

Yeah, so basically, I just
realized that most guys
don't know what it is.

I found this out
because the week
that I froze them,

I had to be on
bed rest for a couple days,

and I had to cancel a gig.

So, I told my agent
can you tell the manager
I need to reschedule it.

I go to the reschedule date,
the manager runs up to me,

he's like,
"Are you okay? I heard
your ovaries were removed!"

I was like, "Okay,
let's just talk about this."

So, essentially,
you freeze your eggs

if you want to get
pregnant at some point,
but just not right now.

Like, I'm not ready.
I would like to have
a kid at some point,

but I'm not
responsible enough yet.

I still leave coffee
on the top of my car
like twice a day.

I should not
be a mother right now.

And biology is again
completely backwards.

Like, it's ridiculous to me
that a 15-year-old girl
can get pregnant easily,

but a 45-year-old woman can't.

Like, I have never met
a 15-year-old girl
and been like,

"You would make
a great mom.

"Love your Instagram selfies.

I think you're ready
to be responsible
for a human life."

No. And all
my girlfriends in their 40s
are fucking awesome.

They're all like superheroes,
they can do anything.

I have a girlfriend
the other day had a splinter,

she ripped it out
with her teeth...

like it was nothing.

I have a girlfriend,
she's 45, she can
return things at a store

without a receipt.

That's like some
Jason Bourne shit right there.

I'm really glad
that I did it.

I feel like it took off
all this pressure
that I had on me, you know?

Like, I realized
before I froze my eggs,

there was just this
constant inner monologue

that was like, "Is this
the guy you're gonna be with?

If not, you have to move on
to someone else."

And I felt like I had
to accomplish all my
professional goals

by the time I was, like, 35.

And it was just in
the back of my mind
all the time.

Like, I'd be in traffic,
and I'd be like,
"You guys, let's go!

"I'm rotting
from the inside!

"We gotta move, okay?

Uterus is molding,
let's move!"

I feel like
you guys will never
understand that pressure

because you guys
don't have that clock.

Guys can have kids
as late as they want.

Clint Eastwood had a kid
at like, 70 years old.

Robert De Niro had one
at like, 68,

which is so weird to me.

The idea of having a kid
at 68 years old.

That's like being like,
"I really want a kid,
but only for, like, 10 years.

"And I want to be deaf
for most of it. That's..."

I'm so glad I did it.
It took all this pressure off.

Like, I used
to be this stress case,
now I'm just chilling, man.

So easy.

Like, my agent
calls me up, he's like,
"Where's that script?"

I'm like, "I don't
know, I'm high as fuck.

"Call Sarah Silverman
or some shit, man.

'Cause I'm watching
'Game of Thrones'
again today."

Hey, camera.

I-- Thank you.

You freeze your eggs
for a couple of reasons.

If you want
to postpone having kids,

also if you want to get
a surrogate at some point,

which I'm kind of obsessed
with the idea of getting
a surrogate.

It's like you hire a woman
to carry your kid for you,

which I really
want to do at some point.

But I feel kind of
guilty about that idea

because when you
get a surrogate,

you're essentially, like,
asking another woman to do
your dirty work for you.

It's like, worse
than a guy getting a hooker.

'Cause when you get a hooker,
you guys just want to use
a woman's body for an hour.

I want to use it
for nine months,

and totally wreck it.

I'm literally gonna
destroy that shit.

Not nice.

I just feel like I would
like my kid so much more
if I didn't carry my kid.

Does that make sense?

Like, I totally support
those toddler and tiara moms.

I think those
kids should work.

I think they should
have to tap dance
to pay for all the damage

they did to those poor women.

Although I feel
like if you have
a surrogate have your kid

you can't control
the kid as well. You know?

Like, the way my mom used
to guilt me into doing things

was she'd be like,
"I carried you
for nine months."

I'd be like, "Oh...

That's a good point."

But if, like,
I had a surrogate,
what am I gonna say?

I'm gonna be like,
"I had to drive 10 minutes
to pick you up.

Traffic was a nightmare."

Yeah, it's not as good.

When you freeze your eggs,
the doctor asks you if you
want to get a donor,

like a sperm donor.

Because if you want
to freeze embryos, you know?

Like, basically it's if you
freeze an embryo, that means
a sperm fertilizes the egg,

and I was like, "I don't
have any sperm available
in my house at the moment."

So, he's like, "Maybe you
should get a donor." And I
wasn't really ready for that,

but I got super obsessed
with the kind of person who
would become a sperm donor.

So, I went online
and I was, like,
on the donor site.

You'd think that sperm donors
were complete losers.
Not true.

In order to be a sperm donor,
you have to be at least 5'8."

I was like, I'm sorry,
what shallow bitch
was 45 years old,

not married, no options,

goes into the sperm bank,
is like,

"Oh, 5'7"? Never mind.

"I'm gonna get on Farmers Only
and take my chances.

Fuck that weirdo midget."

And in order
to be a sperm donor,

you have to have at least
four years of college.

I was like, I don't want
my sperm donor to have
four years of college.

'Cause if you have
four years of college

and you're jerking off
into a cup for $100,

you're a drug addict.

And if you don't have
four years of college

and you're jerking off
into a cup for $100,

you're an entrepreneur
and I like your hustle.

You can be
my baby daddy any day.

Man: I will!
You will?

I'm good.

Pass.

Got me into some trouble.

I got cheated on.

Has anyone been cheated on?

Okay, well,
you've all been cheated on,

just so you know.

Sorry you have
to find out like this.

I fond out in
the stupidest way.

We were at a movie theater
and I dropped my phone
in between the seats.

So, I asked him
if I could use his phone
to call my phone.

I'm holding his phone
for maybe eight minutes.

He gets three different
text messages from a girl
he had programmed in his phone

as "Sandylicious."

Think about this.
Really think about
how hot a girl has to be

for a guy to take the time
to program in that long
of a fucking name.

He was like, "S-A-N-D-
Y-L-I-C-I--"

And you know that shit
autocorrected like six times,

so he had to go
back to the beginning.

"S-A-N-D, shit.

"S-A-- Still worth it--

D-I-L-I..."

So, I had to confront
him about it. I was like,

"Hey, why is some girl
named Sandylicious texting
you at midnight on a Friday?"

And he goes,
"Oh, she's my friend."

Why don't you just
punch me in the tit?

It would be less
insulting to my intelligence.

Like, I'm just curious,
has that ever worked
in the history of time?

Has any girl ever
been jealously freaking out

and the guy was like,
"Oh, she's my friend,"
and the girl was like,

"Oh my God, I am so sorry!

"I was totally overreacting.

"Go back to texting
your bro, Sandylicious."

No! I have a lot
of guy friends in my phone,

none of them are programmed in
under "Joey smooth dick."

That's not my friend.

We're not friends.

I feel like
you guys don't know this.

It's also
so obvious when you're
getting lied to by a guy

'cause you guys all lie
the same exact way.

You guys need to have
a meeting, or start
a chatroom or something.

Because you know you're
getting lied to by a guy

because he will repeat
the question you ask him
in the answer

to buy time
to make up the lie.

So, I'll be like,
"Hey, where were you
till 3:00 in the morning?"

"Where was I? Until 3:00?

"In the morning?"

It's like, can you just make
up your lie in the car
like an adult, please?

Can I at least
get that respect?

And you know you're getting
lied to when a guy goes,

"Ugh, well--
Well, what do you
want me to say right now?"

You want me
to make up your lie?

How lazy can you be?

And then you know you're
getting cheated on when
a guy goes,

"Well, what's
your definition of cheating?"

I'm like, "Uh, if you had fun
without me, you cheated.

It's very simple."

Another announcement
to make, which is...

being cheated on now
is extra hard for me

because when I was in my 20s,
no one ever admits this,

but when I was in my 20s,
I cheated.

Now's your time, girl.
Live it up.

I was-- I cheated in my 20s
because I was an idiot.

I was insecure
and I was worried

the guy I was with was gonna
leave me for someone else.

Who cares the reason.
The point is getting cheated
on now is even worse

because I know
what you're doing
because I've done it,

and you're gross.

I used to do the shadiest
things when I used to cheat.

I used to program guys' names
in my phone as other things

so the guy I was dating
didn't know what was
going on, you know?

And then he's be like, "Hey,
why is Bank of America calling
you at 2:00 in the morning?"

"That is weird.

"You know,
they've really stepped up
their customer service.

"They really wanna
make sure my check clears.

I am gonna
thank them in the morning."

He's like, "All right, well,
why did Rite Aid just text you
a photo of a dick?"

"Bizarre!

"That's disgusting.

We are switching
to Walgreens tomorrow!"

I don't know if,
in general, as a society
we're getting grosser,

or if the Internet's just
bringing it to the surface,

but I just think, in general,
there's a movement
towards perversion

that feels new to me.

The first thing that
made me think this was
a couple months ago,

I went on a date
with a guy,

then we went
on a second date.

On the second date,
he asked me if I could squirt.

Let's talk about it.

Look, first of all,
I do not squirt.

Just so you know,
I am not a squirter.
I am not squirting.

I am not
a squirting lady.

I don't know
if I'm just dehydrated?

If I need
more Gatorade in my life?

I'm not squirting, okay?

I mean, if you want,
I will compromise,

and I will pee on you.

I'd rather not,
but if that's your thing,

I'm sure I could
fashion some pee.

I'm gonna have to
turn on the faucet.
I'm not into it.

Here's the--
This is new.

This is a new thing.
Five years ago, I never
heard about squirting.

Okay? Five years ago,
I feel like

Ithe gross, taboo thing
everyone wanted
their girl to do was anal.

It was all about anal, right?

Now anal's just like--
You just have to do that now.

It's not even
weird anymore.

It's just, like, on the menu.

It's not just
for birthdays anymore.
It's happening.

Which, I do not think
that's okay. I think we need
to make it weird again.

I think we need
to make it taboo again.

This is how I know
anal sex has gone mainstream.

I have a girlfriend,
she has a daughter
who is 16 years old.

She goes to
a Catholic school,

and she said her girlfriends
in the Catholic school
at 16 years old

are now having anal sex
instead of regular sex

so that they don't technically
lose their virginity.

Right? Have you heard of that?

My thing is if you're having
anal sex at 16 years old

to stay right with God,

I have news for you.

There is no God.

Get a new religion, 'cause
your God fucking hates you.

No. No. Stay away
from my butt. I have a house.

No.

I have worked too hard.

That's my point. You guys
are getting ungrateful.

You guys have
lost sight of the fact

that our bodies were
perfectly designed to have
sex with you, anatomically.

Whatever you believe in.
Say, it's evolution or God.
Say you believe in God.

God perfectly
designed the female body
to have sex with you.

Right? Vagina here.
Perfect placement.

Boobs here if you want
a little...

Perfect.

The head moves back
and forth in case you don't
want to look at her face.

God thought of everything.

And then God was putting
the female body together
and was like,

"Ugh, there's
this other hole.

"It's a terrible hole.

"Horrible things
come out of it.

"It's awful.

We can't put it in the front
or else men would never
have sex with women."

God's like,
"You know what I'm gonna do?

"I'm gonna hide it.

"I'm gonna put it in the back

"in, like, a ravine.

"I'm gonna put big pieces
of fat on either side of it.

"He'll never even know
it's there. She can walk away
naked, he'll never see it.

"It's genius. Genius!

"The female body is complete."

Cut to God looking down now.
A guy's like, "Eh, eh, ehh..."

God's like,
"Oh, my God!

"How did they even find it?

"I hid that thing pretty well.

They're animals!"

No. Uh-uh.
Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh.

No. Not squirting. Nope.

We're starting
a movement here tonight.
Hashtag no squirting.

Get it going.

No. You know why? It's--
You guys are pushing it now.

You're ungrateful,
you're spoiled,
and you're pushing it.

Like, do our bodies not
do enough amazing things?

Enough miraculous things?

We can make a life.
We can get pregnant.
We can breastfeed our babies.

We can give you orgasms.
Now you want us
to put out fires?

It's too much.

That's too much.

And I'm a pretty
slutty person.

The fact that there's
something I won't do,
that's bad.

That is off the grid, okay?

I'll do anything.
I will literally do anything
'cause I'm fun.

I am fun.

I'll do anything.
What do you want?
Spank me? Great.

Go for it.
I will try not to laugh,

but go for it.

Choking, that's
the new thing. Everyone's
gotta get choked now?

Choke me. Great. Choke me.

I'll even throw in
a little "Ehh..."

I'm fun! I'm fun.

But you're pushing
it now, okay?

I'm not squirting.
Who has time for that?

Okay? I'm not gonna
clean up squirt. No.

I have a job.
I don't have time for that.

You gotta go to Home Depot,
you gotta get a tarp,

you gotta put the tarp down.
My bedroom looks like
Dexter's garage.

I'm not living that way.

Was sex not awkward
enough before squirting?

Do you remember the awkward
talk before sex?

Used to be like
"Hey, do you have a condom?"

Now it's like,
"Hey, do you have a ShamWow?

Shit's about to get crazy."

You don't want me to squirt.

You do not want me to squirt
because if I could squirt,

I would use it
for evil all the time.

Any time I was in
my boyfriend's car,

I'd be like, "You sure you
want to text that girl back?

I didn't think so."

I'm worried. I'm worried for
the next generation of boys.

'Cause now guys in their--

Teenage kids, they watch porn
now before they ever actually
see a naked woman.

Before they ever
actually have sex,
they're watching porn.

And they think
that's gonna happen.

They think that women
are just these human
Bellagio fountains,

just squirting constantly.

They think they're
gonna walk into that.

Remember our
generation of boys,

they would show up
to lose their virginity
with like, a rose.

Now kids show up to lose
their virginity with just
a snorkel, an umbrella,

just flippers.

It's not healthy.

It's all just escalated
way too far, way too fast.

Do you remember, like,
the good old days, like
our generation,

we used to have, like,
first base and second
base, remember?

It used to be like
first base was, like, kissing.

Remember? Second base was,
you know, hand up the shirt.

Now it is so escalated.
It is so extreme.

Now, like,
first base is just sex.

Second base, squirting.

Third base, gangbang.

A home run, he just takes you
out in the alley, murders you,
jerks off on your dead body.

It's a war zone
out there, man.

'Cause one day,
you guys will become
desensitized to squirting.

One day, that will be
boring to you, and then
what are we gonna do?

We just gonna have to
pull out our intestines
and throw 'em in your face?

It's not good.

I think we ought
to draw a line.

We gotta just take it down.
It's getting too intense.

It's like every week you guys
come out with a new way
to humiliate us.

You guys wanna have sex
with our boobs now.

You guys wanna squeeze
our boobs and fuck 'em?

What are you doing?

What guy was ever having sex
with a woman and was like,

"Ugh, this vagina
feels terrible, ugh.

"I wish I had another one
that was completely dry.

I know what to do."

No, that's
my heart, you idiot!

Get your dick
off my heart.

You guys have gotten spoiled.
You have too many options.

That's the problem,
you have too many options.
You guys are like...

It's not Whac-A-Mole.

I'm a human being.

I have feelings and dreams.

And parents.

You guys are pushing it.

It's getting more--
Like, I just feel like
you never come back from that,

having a man's...

torso in your...

face.

I feel like one day,
one day I will be
a mother, right?

Thanks to the miracles
of egg freezing.

One day I will be a mother.
I will be holding
my beautiful baby,

I'll be looking down
at my beautiful baby's eyes,

we'll be having this beautiful
mother-daughter bond,

and then I'm just gonna have
a flashback to just a dick
just a dick, just a dick...

It's not how I wanted
motherhood to go down.

Excuse me, I have
to fix my hair after
my dick hit it.

You guys are getting
desensitized, and it's like,
I feel like you guys

are getting more violent
towards us, also.

It's like, the new thing
you guys want to do is
the gagging thing?

(gagging)

Is that sexy to you?

(resumes gagging)

You into that, sir?

You into that?
Is that your thing?

You like that, Internet?

If you're into that,
just go to jail now.

You're gonna end up
there eventually.

What, you want to put
your dicks in our throats
until we...

That's where
I breathe out of. You wanna
fuck my oxygen supply now?

Is that what it's come to?

Do you even like me?
Should I leave?

Like, what is the psychology?

The psychology of it is like,
"Yeah, my big dick's
gonna make her gag."

You know what else
makes me gag? A NyQuil gelcap.

It's not that big of a deal.

I asked a guy friend
of mine about this.

I was like, "What's up
with the gagging thing?

What's happening
with the gagging thing?"

He goes, "Oh, gagging's
awesome 'cause it makes
the girl cry."

What?!

I thought guys hated it
when we cried?

Now I know when guys leave
the room when I'm crying.

They're going to
the bathroom to jerk off.

Weirdos.

I don't like it.

I just think about all this
and I'm like, you know what?

I just feel like women,
we're always the ones

having to do the gross,
kinky, nasty, tricks
in the bedroom.

I feel like you guys
need to come up with
a couple fucking tricks.

(cheering)

Thank you.

I will strike
a deal with you, okay?

I will learn to squirt

if you teach your dicks
how to blow bubbles.

Thank you guys
so much for coming out
to the show, everybody!

Thank you!

(cheering)

Thank you!

Hi, cuties!

Thank you!

First and foremost...

I just want to say thank you
so much for coming out.

It's always been such a big
dream of mine to have
an HBO special,

so this is a very
big deal for me.

Thank you. Thank you.

Um, and I would like
to dedicate this special
to my father

who is right now
going through something.

Keep fighting, Dad,
I love you very much.

And, as promised,

I will now take some
pictures with you guys

because I know that the only
reason you guys came here
was to get a fucking selfie,

and you haven't been listening
this entire show,

and you're just trying
to figure out how this
is gonna benefit you

and your Instagram feed.

So... (laughing)

So, what we'll do is
you guys can put your phone
in selfie mode.

I think you probably know
how to do that, you live
in Los Angeles,

all you do is take selfies.

So, hold it up
and I'll get in
the background of it.

So, uh, let's do it.

Thank you, guys. I love you.

♪ ♪