All language subtitles for LOL.Last.One.Laughing.South.Africa.S01E02.Of.bad.magic.and.twerks.WEBRip.AMZN.en

-It's not there.
-It's here.

-Not fuckin' there.
-You can see it!

It's not there. Look, everybody.

What was that?

-Oh, no!
-Oh, no!

Like an angry substitute teacher,
it's time to punish smiles.

You know who you are.

Look at the person.
This is too much. Use your eyes.

Make eye contact.

First rule-breaker, please.

Nothing's happening.

Nothing's happening.
And then say, "Cheese."

He trapped me.

I saw that in real time.

I'm laughing too soon.

But...

It wasn't only Tumi Morake

who was completely riveted
by that performance.

Let's see the next breaker of the rule.

Yes.

It's very subtle. You have to...

-It's very subtle.
-No.

You have to pay attention.

It's very subtle.

It's very subtle.

-That's a full laugh.
-Shit. Shit.

-That's why she came here.
-Shit.

-That's why she...
-Shit.

-So subtle. If you didn't...
-Shit.

You would have missed it.

-I saw it.
-I saw it in 4K.

You can't even hide it.

Nomzamo.

I choked on my coffee.

When I choke on my coffee,
that's what happens.

Glen, two yellow cards
because of you, my friend.

I appreciate that.
And I'm so sorry to you both.

Get back to the game.
Enjoy yourselves. Have a good time.

Trevor, you could have overlooked that.

So, that's Tumi and Nomzamo
with a yellow each.

If we keep this pace up,
I'll run out of yellow cards.

A two-for-one special. Make Tumi smile,
and you get a Nomzamo giggle thrown in.

I'd rather have you in the final.
We'd be fighting together against...

Jason and Lasizwe,

they have this weird alliance going
that nobody else is part of.

It's like a secret alliance.

-They'll never put two plus two together.
-They'll never. Fuck.

But I also think Jason is playing Lasizwe,

'cause Lasizwe's just happy to be out
of his house in another house.

And I feel like Jason is right now
taking advantage of Lasizwe.

All right. Let's do this, people.
Let's get the game going.

I need to infiltrate
whatever's happening there.

-So, are we back?
-Well done, guys.

-Thando...
-My tits fell.

That is insane. Oh, my God.

Shall we have another gin and tonic?

-Are you gonna pour for us?
-You want one?

-I'll have a gin and tonic.
-Let's have one.

-We'll have a gin and tonic?
-Gin and tonic.

Oh, my God.
Will you pour me a gin and tonic?

Yeah, I'm gonna pour you a gin and tonic.

She crazy. Deep down, she crazy,
and my kind of crazy, too.

I just wanna grab a couple of things,
then I'll be out your hair.

I'm prepping for my first bit for the day.

It's this character who's an oke.
I put on my cap, my jacket.

My word. This cap, it does something.

All right, it's... Now I feel it.

-What are you making?
-Spice it up. Tea.

-Make a cuppa tea?
-For Tumi. Tumi wants tea, because...

Cuppa tea for Tumi.

Tumi is heavily pregnant, and the doctor
said rooibos helps. I watched a lot of...

Did you consume a lot of hot water
while you were in the womb?

No, I watched a lot of Oprah growing up.
Picked up a few things.

Oprah never been pregnant before.

-No.
-It is "make Alberton great again."

-You look beautiful.
-Howzit?

-Good. Nice to meet you. You are?
-Ben.

-Good to meet ya.
-What do you do?

-l play with my titties.
-That's it?

-That's it.
-I mean, new South Africa.

-Have you touched them before?
-I don't wanna get in trouble.

I'm seeing this and avoiding this,

because I'm making
Tumi another cup of tea.

-Oh, my God, are they latex? Let me see.
-Not you, him. I like Ben.

Ben, do you like me?

-I do like... Not gonna be weird for us?
-Do you like it? Do you like my titties?

Are you gonna touch it?

-I don't know.
-I asked him to.

Touch it. But like, touch it like this.
Do you know how to?

Please touch my titties, Ben.

-Touch my titties!
-Touch them like this.

-Shall I?
-Yeah.

Think of how you'll touch my bum.

-Between the two.
-A lot's happening here.

-My word. That's...
-Do you like it?

-Pick one.
-I mean...

-One thing at a time.
-Why are you competing with me?

You're looking very popular.

Everybody's going for Mojak now,
trying to make him laugh,

but in character, he's got something.

What do you do, Ben?

Work in construction.

Building a better South Africa.

-Are you also into the color blue?
-I am a lot.

-Yeah.
-I'm also into, like, Black girls.

-Yeah.
-That's new.

-That's lovely.
-Yeah.

Make it stop. I ran. I ran.

-Nomzamo. Catch.
-Yes.

You're bringing tits in
this early in the game?

You're gonna peak too early, shame.

Toss me a tit, go long!

Go long for a titty!

This is weird, all right.

-Here, you can have both my tits.
-All right.

You know what, this... Not feeling it.

Not?

-Not feeling it.
-What is it supposed to be?

Just oke.

And I can feel this bit dying.

To bomb in a bomber jacket...

The levels of discomfort are unimaginable.

-You gotta bang the drum.
-No, I don't want to.

-You gotta bang the drum.
-No.

Nothing worse than putting
on clothes, for a joke not to work.

If it looks like this,
consult your doctor.

I'm not comfortable with this.

There are creams,
surgery procedures available.

-Glen?
-Speaking.

I'm trying to avoid Jason
as much as possible.

You just never know what's
gonna come out of Jason's mouth.

Imagine if you were born with just,
like, a random tit on your forearm.

They couldn't remove it,

'cause it's attached to all
major arteries in your arm.

The nipple would extend
when you're excited, swell once a month.

Do I get turned on if I do that?

Yes. Then you could do it yourself,
almost like a gaming station.

I see. That works my penis?

It could be connected, but you'd have
to buy the upgraded software

-into hardware.
-Right.

Now that titties are here,

I can feel this game is gonna
have a very sexual undertone.

Any moment now, there's gonna be a penis.

Who do you want to speak to...
Nomzamo, who?

-Phone for you.
-Who's calling me?

It's Jackie Selebi.

I'm trying to get Nomzamo, because I think
that she's a fairly easy target.

She's not laughing at anything,
'cause she's on a yellow card.

-Nope.
-So, as soon as she laughs,

as soon as she has one laugh, that's it.

Yeah. No, I didn't vomit today, yet.
I'm about to. Okay.

Thanks, Jackie. Thank you.

I've got someone else I want you to meet.

I'm not gonna look. I'm not gonna look.

I ran away.

Apparently, if you crawl,
you're not gonna laugh.

So, I'm like, "Let me try this."
It looks stupid,

but I'm doing it, I don't care.

Lasizwe, catch a tit.

-Can you stop throwing my tits around?
-Catch a tit.

-You aren't gonna flaunt them.
-Whose tits are these?

-Can I throw?
-That's a game.

-They're the people's tits now.
-Catch a tit.

-Catch a tit.
-Catch a tit.

No ways.

That's insane. That is insane.

The titty in the tea. Oh, my goodness.

It was like a crazy house.

They burnin'
these angel's hands right here.

What about my tits?

-She put the tit in...
-It burnt my tits.

Put the tit in the mug.

All my life,
I had to fight for my titties.

There's too much chaos here.

And they just gon' burn them.

They gon' burn them
like they mean nothin'.

Irritation keeps me
from finding things funny.

Let them annoy me a little bit.

Who threw the titty?

That man over there.

-You threw my titty?
-He threw the titty.

You know, all my life I had to fight?

All my life I...

Hey. Let's go!

-Well, that was nice.
-That was fun.

Saved by the drum.

That blue hair with that outfit.

It just looks like a sangoma
on a Friday at school.

How can you have no furniture

and drive a GTI?

I need water.

Living in a fantasy,
that is not so fun to see.

Bars.

Priorities, stop.

Hey.

She sucks. Sucks.

This is gonna be
the longest six hours of my life.

Pussy-footing around my G.

Nomzamo is literally sucking her face
into itself so that she doesn't smile.

I'd done a little bit of research, so...

That would stop me from laughing.

-Paying half the bill on Valentine's.
-Imagine!

Don't say that last bit.

Buying bottles in the clubs,

but your fridge only has half an avocado.

Meat so girthy.

-Hey.
-Wallet so empty.

Facts.

All you have to offer is dick and lies.

Is this about people
from Midrand, this poem?

-Yeah.
-Final stanza.

There's a final stanza.

The gentle pitter-patter of rain

hitting the zinc of your house.

Your roof full of holes,

but you want to get into mine.

FIFA is not a job, Midrand-ass...

Sister!

Shit!

I don't know how you nominate plays
for poetry prizes,

but I hope that one wins.

Good try there, Moonchild. You did it.

Although I made sure not to laugh,
but I knew it was funny.

I feel like the comedians are just, like,
there because that's home for them,

but we're a surprise,
more like you don't know what's coming.

I'm noticing Thando has got
a few props on her.

Why are you crying in all the pictures?

-I'm not.
-Which one's your LinkedIn one?

I clocked that it's some pictures
and random posters. Kind of press shots.

-Put it up, so I believe you like it.
-Matric dance energy.

That's fire.

I'm struggling to establish

what Thando's angle is.

And in my head, I'm like,
"Is she just on a full PR thing?"

Feels like everyone's a little
too comfortable in this house.

Time to add in a little spice.
Just faka a little bit of chakalaka.

Little bit of chili.

This is a bit I like
to call "The Eleventh Contestant."

Let's see if this comedy OG
can draw out some laughs.

If the Tasmanian Devil was born
in South Africa, this is who it would be.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

-No, no, no.
-Oh, no! No!

Joey Rasdien.

I saw the shape of him behind the door,

and I knew it was him, and even that
shape made me feel like I'm in kak.

You're not welcome, Joey.

Go away, Rasdien.

It was never fair.

You see now.
They've come to destroy everything.

Jason looks stressed.

I am in kak.

Jason Goliath.

-Yes. That's...
-Yeah.

-Jason. My guy, come. Come greet me. Yo.
-Jason, you have to greet the man.

I mean, surely, Jason.

I've been friends with Joey
from before I started stand-up comedy,

so I've found him funny for longer than
any of these other people in the house.

-You all right?
-Thank you for this compliment.

-Tops, man.
-This is the first time

I see Robby not in his shorts.

It seems like people
are already stressing out.

Tumi! Yeah, Tumi-nator in the house!

Rasdien Yusuf.

I haven't seen this guy in so long,
I nearly smiled out of,

"OMG, it's you!" Hey, that was close.
That was a close call.

-How are you?
-Yes, good day.

Hey, wait, guys.

-Yes.
-Somebody is not supposed to be here.

-Okay.
-I supposed to be. I'm here.

-I see.
-Exactly. So, now...

-Someone must go.
-I don't know who must go, brah.

He's saying there's somebody
that doesn't belong here

and that they need to be removed.

I don't feel like going.

I definitely don't feel like going.

Where can I put my things?

Come show me. Why are you
making a face like this, Nomzamo?

Nomzamo, why are you making...
Nomzamo, what are you doing?

Look, what's Nomzamo doing?

What are you doing?

Yo, guys.

The camera can see you on the ground.

You... Why is she...
Nomzamo! Why are you doing this?

Just stay in the house.
Stay in the game. Stay in the game.

-Someone says...
-Get out, spirits!

No, somebody's not supposed to be here.
I promise you, Moonshine.

It's not Moonshine, it's Moonchild.
Moonchild.

No, I trick people in general, so...

You can show me anything.
This is basically a trick you do

in a relationship

when you don't wanna see
you're with trash,

and you just, you're present, but you're
not there. Okay, sure, I see you.

-Somebody's not supposed to be here.
-Who do you think?

-The white guy.
-I don't know.

Joey's trying to cause confusion.

He's doing it like he does his stand-up,
where you sit there,

you're in hilarious confusion.

-Must go stand and talk me.
-Joey wants to say something.

Where's the toilet here?
Is there a toilet here?

You said you wanted to speak to Glen.

You need to stand and talk!
Jason! Where's the toilet here?

I hope he doesn't get me.

She's carrying two sets of durags.

Says nothing about them,
they're two different colors.

Here, you're in the blue team.

And what are you?

I'm on Survivor. Take it.
This is my Survivor clothes.

-Are we on Survivor?
-I'm so hungry. Are you hungry?

Starving.

Was she trying to sing Survivor?

I just took a bandana,
I thought it looked good.

But not sure what Thando's doing.

I start hearing some
really awkward grunts.

Joey's kaka makes
more sense than his words.

Toilet jokes are toilet jokes.

Under this pressure, they're not as funny.

-What is that sound?
-It's Joey in the toilet,

-trying to make us laugh.
-Why is Joey Rasdien here?

Take him away,
he must go back where he comes from.

I grab my pocket vagina, with my mints,

and now I'm targeting anyone.

Relaxed. Not over the top.

It's in the subtleties
that you're gonna get people.

-That's nice work.
-Do you want some mints?

Meat? Minced meat?

Minced meat?

Mints... What is that?

Is that a Fleshlight?
You did wash it before you came here?

No. That's my vagina.

Wait, what is that supposed... A fahine?

You gotta dig in, get some mints.

I'm not gonna...

-Try.
-You first.

My word.

Look, I'm not gonna put my hand
on a vagina on television.

This is not how I was raised.

-No, you do not...
-Mints.

-That is extremely inappropriate.
-I know.

Just put your finger in the vagina
and grab a mint.

So, you've never...

What, grabbed a mint out of a vagina?
No, not a common practice where I'm from.

That's not a vagina. Who said that?

-What is this?
-It's a pussy.

Not like this, I'm not gonna
be caught lacking. It really threw me off.

Go in there. Go, go, do your thing,

I've gotta do my. MaGandhi now.

-Yeah, it's amazing.
-Thank you.

Wait, can I just say something?

That's evil.

I love you still.
I love you more than you know.

Oh, no! Why would you do that?

Looking like a...

A coronavirus expert-y,
test laboratory person.

Hey, what is that?

Guys, we're all going insane here.

I feel like Celeste is slowly cracking.

-But how come you can laugh right now?
-Boss. There's a...

Celeste...

What you mean, how can I laugh?

Well, you were laughing.
Please, laugh again.

-No, I wasn't laugh. The problem is...
-Celeste...

No, the problem is that
you not supposed to be here.

Somebody's not supposed to be here.

Nomzamo...

Somebody's not supposed to be here.

Who, baby?

Don't know. Somebody's not
supposed to be here. Look at me.

Somebody's not supposed to be here,
so I don't know...

-Fucking poepel.
-Don't spray me!

-I'm not gonna spray you!
-You are, honey!

Let's get Joey out, please.
We've tortured them enough with him.

Extract the Joey.
I repeat, extract the Joey.

-Okay, wait. Hang on.
-He's not gonna spray the thing.

I won't! I won't!

Let Joey live.

Yeah, help me, boss.
Boss, I'm gonna get mad.

-Everybody say, "Bye, Joey."
-Bye, Joey.

-Thank you.
-Bye, Joey.

-Bye, Joey, I love you!
-Bye, Joey.

Thank goodness.

They know me too well.

I can see you. I can see you.

If you put your finger in, it vibrates
while you're trying to get mints,

which I found very, very funny and weird.

You can't give me a vibrating vagina.

It's not vibrating, put your finger in it.
I'm offering you a mint!

Why is everyone following me?

You don't want a mint?

No, I want space.

And she's not taking her eyes off you,
she's staring you in the eyes.

Everybody needs mints, bro.

And everyone is scared of a vagina!

Celeste, as soon as she glances down,
she's like...

I have it, I'm not scared of it.

Where's the mint? How do we get it out?

Well, which hand do you...
Which finger do you usually use?

And she's holding it like this,
as if it's something precious.

Okay, Nomzamo, bye-bye.

Celeste!

Since I've known Nomzamo, all my life,

this is the first time
I nearly died laughing.

You know those people
who dance like they're in pain.

Robby, why you walking away
from my dance, brah? I know you like it.

What's this?

I'm in pain.

-Be honest, I saw you walk away.
-No.

I walked away because
I didn't wanna talk to you.

You were about to laugh.

-I don't want to.
-I nearly killed him.

Almost.

Leave me alone.

-Leave me alone.
-What are you doing, when?

You're a devil.

Why?

If I start engaging,
she's gonna put me in a situation

that I don't know how to get out of.

-Has your child kicked yet?
-Like a motherfucker. No sleep last night.

"Like a mother..." That's...

That's a pun.

-Yeah.
-Funny, with two comics here.

-You're playing with fire.
-Yeah. Fire.

Actually, I nearly trapped
myself with that.

Have a little play with a baby.

You shat yourself?

No, I nearly trapped myself.
I'm walking away.

-I'm walking away.
-You did what?

-But we curious about this baby.
-No! No!

No, I think Tumi wants to talk to us
a bit more, then.

How many more babies until
you get a free coffee at Starbucks?

Soon as I can get one born
with a six-pack like you, my baby.

-Okay. All right.
-Yeah.

Okay.

I hate you, Mojak. I hate you.

Are you the only person who's had their
tubes tied and still been penetrated?

That almost got me. That almost got me.

Yeah, there we go. There we go.

I had to dismount my joke there.

I love how people think movement is gonna
save them from every camera in the room.

There's 1,000 cameras in this room.

Tumi's so rich, when her water breaks,
sparkling water will come out.

Up top. Up top. I'm telling you.

She doesn't have a womb,
she has business class.

I feel like, at school, you were a little
bit more nerdy, and I was quite jock-ish.

-I was nerdy, but I...
-You had a tongue on you.

No, a massive cock.

All right, everybody...

Oh, no!

What? No ways, I've never in my life...
I forgot we were playing!

Guess who's back.

Tell your friends

No! Oh, no, Trevor!

I wish you didn't come so happy.

Why do you look so happy
to deliver such kak news?

Wouldn't you be happy
to see your faces? So...

-Obviously, if I'm here, it means that...
-Someone got cooked.

-...there are people or a person...
-People? Or person?

...who might have broken.

And since we know Joey
wasn't one of the people...

-Is Joey gone?
-...it means it's one of you.

-Yeah, no, he's gone, long ago.
-Yeah.

So, let's see who broke on the screen.

-Can't be me.
-Shit.

Oh, no. Why am I in this frame?

Was it me?

What was that?

It was you smiling.

No, but... It was such a nothing bit.

Yeah, you see, there it is, there it is.
Mojak, smile, smile, smile.

Smile, lots of smile.

-And then back to no smile.
-Fair, okay.

-You know how it works.
-Yeah, it's okay.

-Enjoy. Good luck.
-Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Their faces!

And Mojak joins the wall of shame!

So that's Moonchild, Nomzamo, Tumi
and Mojak on the naughty list.

I don't like this friendship.

Let's get back in.

Hi.

Hi.

My name is Noma Sixty Sixty.

I'm here for your deliveries.

-Why am I terrified?
-I'm also freaked.

Imbiza for Men. Erectile function.

-Mojak, I think that's for you.
-What's this?

-I think that's Robby.
-Imbiza for Men.

-That's Mojak.
-Yes.

-It's Mojak. I don't have to own it well.
-It is well crazy.

Next time, when you order...
Are you paying card or cash?

-Card.
-Okay.

-I don't have it on me, though.
-You can use biometrics.

Okay. Thank you!

I don't really know what's happening here,
but I'm engaged.

One cucumber,
two cucumber, three cucumber.

Wow!

That sounded like me!

Four cucumber.

Wow!

-Ayanda Thabe... Thando!
-That's me.

-Yes.
-People get it wrong all the time.

-Thank you so much.
-Okay, card or payment?

Card or payment.

Mojak is gonna pay for me,
'cause he can't use it, his own one. So...

-I can't use my own what?
-This is getting weird very fast.

Yeah, but let's go,
I'm committing to it...

Mojak is gonna tap that.

-Okay.
-I was showing...

Excuse me,

-can I have an attention, please?
-Yes.

Give him your attention.

-Condoms. Who would order condoms?
-That's right.

-Not Mojak.
-Not for real.

Is that a real condom?

Listen, thank God I'm married, 'cause
that makes me wanna laugh so hard.

-That is stupidly funny.
-Mojak.

No, I have a small penis,
and I'm proud of it.

You will never body shame me.

No, it's fine. But this big?
How do you do it?

I have understanding woman in my life.

Okay...

My goodness. No, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nomzamo, why would you order this one?

Where does it say Nomzamo?

This is you!

Don't be embarrassed, it's a safe space.

-Everybody loves team spirit, come on.
-It's a safe space, my baby.

-Here we go... Nomzamo!
-Zamo!

Show love, show love.

-Give me some mo'!
-Zamo! Zamo! Zamo!

From the front, pull it from the front,
I don't like from the back.

Do you normally say that?
Grab it, show me how it's done.

I'm scared of vagina.

Now, all I can see is a diaper
on a beautiful curtain.

-Okay!
-Yes, yes, yes.

-No, no, no!
-Thank you so much for your attention.

-Thank you.
-Thank you, Lasizwe.

-Are you on the edge?
-I'm on the edge, I think I should...

-Getting cooked?
-Getting fucking cooked.

I want the restroom
but there's a lot of people there.

It's cumbersome.

I am tortured.

Put your pinky in there.

How does it feel?

It's a vagina.

Mints?

You're scared of mints?

No!

It can't be Goliath.
He keeps on saying it's him, but it's not.

-He only says no. I think it's me.
-It's not him. He always does that.

Vuvuzelas and red lights.

My gosh, did... Did I laugh?

What's gonna happen?

-Can everyone shut up?
-We're ready, let's go!

Mark it.

What the hell is going on here?

Please don't touch me like that.
I'm horny.

-I didn't see anyone laugh.
-No, no, no!

-You lost it.
-How are you feeling?

Fucking mad.

Leave me alone.

You forgot you're sitting
on top of a camera!

Hey, everyone. If you wanna hear
some really embarrassing stories

about me and the cast, all you need to do
is click on the X-Ray button, right?

The X-Ray button there,
on your web or mobile device,

and you will get all of the gossip,
all of it.

Gossip.

Just click.