All language subtitles for Abbott.Elementary.S03E09.1080p.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab

It's too peaceful in here.

That's because
these children spend

all of their time
on their phones. Hm!

They barely interact
with each other.

Isn't that right, Ava?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

It's probably 'cause they
don't have hand games anymore.

Hey! Do you guys know Shame?

Rockin' Robin. Miss Mary Mack.

♪ Miss Mary ♪

♪ Mack, Mack, Mack ♪

♪ All dressed in
black, black, black ♪

Oh, we have those, too!

Let's do it. Okay.

♪ Girls rule, boys drool ♪

♪ We use too much fossil fuels ♪

♪ Loser, loser, double loser ♪

♪ Biden drives a P.T. Cruiser ♪

♪ Know the answer,
raise your hand ♪

♪ We live on Native Land ♪

♪ Don't call me sir,
don't call me miss ♪

♪ Aliens do exist
♪ Barbara: Oh, my.

♪ He's too short,
she's too tall ♪

♪ When will this country fall? ♪

Okay. Okay. Uh... go
back to your phones.

Mr. Eddie, my tooth is loose.

Mm-hmm.

If it falls out, do I eat
it like I did last time?

I'm a little busy
right now, okay?

You're coloring a carrot.

Go take a seat for me. Okay?

Gregory: So, after
the teachers' panel,

a man from the Philadelphia
Activities Fund

approached me about
applying for a grant

for the Garden
Goofballs program.

That would mean
field trips to fields

seed money for seeds,

and the kids' top request...
matching T-shirts.

So I've been working
nonstop on the proposal

to make that happen.

You know, it's really
exciting to think about what

the Garden Goofballs
program can become,

and to think it all
started because of a fart.

Hi. Mr. Eddie?

I'm subbing for Ms. Teagues
next door this week.

Everything alright?
Well, there's a student

who's had unexcused absences
the last three days.

Just wondering what
the protocol is.

Well, which child?

- Alex.
- Alex Perkins?

He was with me last year.

Yes, and I noticed he only
came to class twice last week.

Oh, well, that's not like Alex.

So can you just
not come to school?

No. Sounds like
you don't have to.

I can't wait for second grade!

Thanks for letting me
know. I'll look into it.

My tooth! I just
swallowed my tooth!

Yes. This is incredible.

Okay. Bye, Principal Oldman!

That was Principal Oldman
over at Robinson Prep.

He was calling to personally
thank me for the institution

of the librarian program.

That's awesome! Oh, my God!

Superintendent John Reynolds
in my office. Ha ha ha!

Am I being fired?

I was just quoting that joke.

No, you're not
being fired, Janine.

I-I came in here
to compliment you.

Oh.

"Oh"? That's it?

Y-You thought you
were getting fired,

and now I'm complimenting you,

and just..."Oh." Oh.

Anyway, I've been very
impressed with your work.

Your ability to problem-solve
under pressure is why I think

you should be calling a few
more of the shots around here.

Wow.

"Wow." That's the reaction
I was looking for!

When your fellowship is up,

we really want to offer you
a full-time position here.

A real job here? Yeah, here.

We think that you have
barely scratched the surface.

You have the chance
to be a superstar.

Minus the flashing lights
and the insane salary.

You would be getting a
little bit of a raise. Oh!

But you're still a
government worker. Okay.

Um, but we're gonna
give you that chance.

The district has provided
us with a new software

to detect the use of
A.I. in your work.

You need to understand
this growing technology,

and I thought we could
try it all together.

So here is a poem
by Robert Frost.

And when I hit this button,

it will tell us if
Frost was a robot,

and my entire life
has been a lie.

Ah! I knew it was all Bobby.

And here is Javon's
paper on World War II.

I-I only used Wikipedia to make
sure I spelled the names right.

Ha ha ha! Let's go!
Hey. I told you, Mr. C.

I never doubted you, Javon.

Mainly because you
got a "D" on it.

So we will need to
have a chat about that.

Really, you can use this
on any written material

books, journals, things from
your everyday life, even.

For example, here is a
lovely e-mail response

from Mrs. Howard to
my weekly newsletter.

And, uh... no, that...

Mrs. Howard cold as hell!

Yeah, she must hate your ass.

Stop cursing.

Janine is 10 minutes late,

which means she's
30 minutes late,

'cause I'm always
20 minutes late.

Well, she does better than me

because when I say I'm
gonna be a little late,

I usually just don't show up.

Well, well, well!

If it isn't the Autobots.

Or should I say Decepticons.

I'm already not enjoying
this conversation.

Jacob, what are
you talking about?

Well, you see, I
was demonstrating

the new A.I. detection software

to my class this morning,
and I thought, "Hmm.

What better test than to use
one of my good friend Barb's

e-mail correspondences?"

And I was shocked

no, heartbroken

to learn that it was
99% A.I.-generated.

Jacob, I'm sure it
was just a glitch.

Dang, Barb. How
could you do that?

Funny you say that.

Because then I decided to
check your thoughtful review

of my essay on the
hidden dangers...

Barbara: Ohh... Of
espresso martinis.

And I meant every word.

Oh, I bet you did.

100%...

A.I.-generated.

100. Mnh.

So, Ava showed me how to do it,

and then I showed Barbara.

Because, you know, we need
to learn A.I. software

to make sure the kids aren't
abusing it to do their work.

That privilege is
reserved for teachers.

Looks like Alex has
seven unexcused absences.

That's not so bad.

Oh. Plus today. So eight.

Eight? Oh, that's very bad.

It is? Mm-hmm.

If he misses two more days,

he's got to go to family court

to schedule an appearance
at truancy court

and then he gets held back.

For just two more
absences? Mm-hmm.

Well, has anyone tried
calling his house?

The district has an
automated phone system

that calls the students' homes.

Well, do we know if anyone's
gotten through to his family?

What do we do if Alex
still isn't showing up?

Well, that's the
extent of our protocol.

Do you know how
hurtful it is to know

that instead of talking to
some of my closest companions,

I've been talking to WALL-E
for the past few months?!

Okay, well, Jacob, you're
being rude, because look...

Janine is here to give us

a big, special,
important announcement.

Go ahead, Janine.

Yes, yes. Thank you,
Melissa. You're welcome.

Yeah. That's correct.

I do have something big
to announce, so, um...

Wait. Where's Gregory?

Oh, he's working on his Goofball
proposal for the district.

Oh. Okay.

Well, thank you all so much
for staying after school.

I have some news
about my fellowship.

God sakes. Who cares
about your fellowship?!

I got ribs in the slow cooker!

Wait, wait. No, no, no,
no. This is important.

You know, as you all know,

my fellowship at the
district is coming to an end.

Ooh, girl, don't remind me.

My doomsday countdown clock is
set to the day that you're back.

Stop!

The superintendent offered me

a full-time position
at the district.

And I'm going to take it.

So I'm leaving Abbott.

Dibs on Janine's classroom
as my new office!

Oh, this is officially
the worst day ever.

I am proud of you. Ohh.

Janine, you have worked so hard,

and they are lucky to get you.

Melissa: Well, if you're
not gonna be here anymore,

then I don't have to
know your name, Janice.

And for the record,
I-I-I am proud of you.

I'm just having
trouble processing

because I'm a human.

But, um... Ohh!

This is huge.

Oh. Thank you, guys.

This was not an easy
decision to make.

I mean, I hemmed and I hawed.

Heck, I almost pussyfooted.

But I want to do it.

I think I can really do
some good work there.

No reaction from
you, Ava? Oh, sorry.

I'm just going through the mental
list of Janine replacements

that I started
the day I met you.

Ooh! It's on!

And since you don't work here
anymore, you're trespassing.

Security! Security!

Mr. Alonzo: Singular
noun or a plural noun?

Gregory: Day nine, and
he's still not here.

I mean, Alex was in
my class last year,

and he had perfect attendance.

He's the type of kid who likes
when recess gets rained out

so he can stay inside and read.

Something has to be going on.

Virginia: Hello?

Hi. This is Abbott
Elementary calling

to check on Alex Perkins.

You're gonna have to
speak up. Who is this?

Uh, this is Gregory Eddie,

um, from Abbott Elementary.

Is Alex okay? Oh, hi. Yeah.

He's right here watching
"The Price Is Right" with me.

Well, he needs to be in school!

He can't be absent tomorrow,
or he will be held back.

No. I already gave him a snack.

No. "Held back!"

If Alex misses one
more day of school,

he will have to repeat
the second grade!

Can you possibly turn
the TV down for me?!

Sure. It's a commercial.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

We want to know why Alex
hasn't been in school.

He said he don't
want to go to school,

say he miss his old
teacher, Ms. Teams.

Huh? Ms. Teams?

Oh. Ms. Teagues? He misses her?

He says that's why?

Oh, okay. Goodbye!

No, I...

Damn shame.

The boy live right
across the street.

So you're telling
me that we can see

as many movies as we want?

Mm-hmm.

Jacob, seems like a
perfect opportunity

for you to tell us about
that movie membership thing

you're always
proselytizing about. Yeah.

How's that... How's
that work again?

Well, while I would
love to fill you in

and explain Nicole
Kidman's role in all of it,

I think you'd probably
prefer to consult

some of your robot friends.

Oh. So we used A.I.

At least we responded.

Do you have any idea how
much time and love and time

I put into my e-mails?

Have you no respect
for my emotional labor?

You just ask for so much
feedback. Oh. So much.

And Barb's typing speed
is a sentence per hour.

There isn't enough
time in the day.

Okay, look, if we were
trying to be mean,

we would say that your e-mails
are super-long and boring,

add zero value to our lives,
and please stop sending them.

We're being nice! Ava: Yeah.

Nice? A.I. cannot be nice.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I can see where this
would be upsetting.

We're sorry.

No more generative
e-mails. Mnh-mnh.

And we will do our
best to respond.

Thank you. Yes.

To the ones that aren't
super-long and boring.

Hey, Gregory. Um...

I was just about to text you,

but I'm guessing
you heard already.

So you already know
about Alex Perkins?

Alex Perkins? From my class?

What's going on with
him? Everything okay?

Oh, um, yeah. He hasn't
been coming to class.

He has nine
absences. One more...

He has to go to truancy court
and he gets held back a year.

Yeah. Can you imagine
having to go to court

as a second grader?

Oh, my God. How
is this happening?

This is very
out-of-character for him.

Something must be
going on. I know. Um...

We just found out he lives
right across the street.

I was thinking about
going to his house.

We cannot go to his house.

I mean, that's strictly
against district policy.

The protocol says we call.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we went through
all the district protocols.

I then called his house,
I spoke to his grandma,

who I think heard one of
every three words I said,

but his grandma did say that
he's not coming to school

because he misses
his old teacher.

That's me.

Or me. Or me.

Okay.

Um, so, I was thinking
that after school,

we could get together,

go to the house,
see what's going on.

Jacob. Ah.

One of my real friends.

You'd never use a robot.

You're damn right.

I wanted you to know I'm
eagerly awaiting your feedback

on my latest newsletter about
the history of spring cleaning.

Oh. Yeah. I was, um...

I was working all
weekend on that.

You shall have my
detailed response soon.

Great. For every
paragraph I wrote,

I expect at least
three paragraphs back.

We here at Abbott hold our
teachers to a high standard.

Therefore, we will be conducting
a rigorous selection process

to ensure that only the most
qualified educator gets the job.

Having said that,

"if you are 5'5" and
under, please step forward.

You are dismissed.

If you are a go-getter
who is always prompt,

please step forward.

Thank you. You are dismissed.

Congratulations on making
it to the final round.

You are only one question
away from landing this job.

Do you own a jelly-bean belt?

Seriously?! Dismissed!

Send in the next batch.

Okay, so, under no circumstances
do we enter the house.

We're already, you know,

pushing the boundaries
of district policy.

Right. Going up to the
door is already bad enough.

We don't want to
cross any more lines.

Exactly. We'll just explain
the gravity of the situation

to Grandma, be on our way.

Sounds good. Yes.

Oh. You here to fix
the refrigerator?

Oh, no. What's wrong
with the refrigerator?

What's not wrong
with the fridge?

Gregory: No, no, we're
not here for that. Oh.

Yes. I'm Janine Teagues
from the school district,

and this is Gregory Eddie
from Abbott Elementary. Hello.

And we came to let you know
that your grandson, Alex,

is one absence away
from being held back.

He's fine.

He's inside watching
"The Price Is Right."

That ain't never hurt nobody.

Um, but he won't be fine if
he misses class tomorrow,

or another day this year.

There will be repercussions

that will affect him for
the rest of his life.

Back in my day, we came
to school when we could,

and we all turned out just fine.

Right. But that won't work here.

Oh. This is a very
serious matter.

We wouldn't be here otherwise.

So, please, could
you just make sure

that Alex makes it to class?

Well, I just don't see the point

in making the boy go
somewhere he hates so bad

when he can stay home and just
hang out with me and Drew Carey.

Hm. Um...

Janine, I think it's time to go.

Carey: And Rona. Hi.

Rona: $1,100. $1,100...

Actually, can we come inside?

- Huh?
- Sure.

But don't be making no guesses

during Showcase Showdown.

You keep them to yourself.

Okay.

Janine? Gregory.

Announcer: You're gonna
be playing Plinko!

Alex, we want to know why you
haven't been coming to school.

I'm gonna miss Plinko.
Thousand dollars!

Alex. Hey.

Carey: Yes! There you go!

Tell us what's been going on.

Well, Ms. Teagues
doesn't go to school,

so I don't need to go, either.

Alex, you have to go to school

whether I'm there or not, okay?

School is something you
cannot miss. You do.

When are you coming back
to be my teacher again?

Well, that's the good news.

Ms. Teagues is almost
done at the district,

so she'll be back
at Abbott very soon.

I know you're not
sick in my house.

No.

Um...

So, I actually just accepted

a full-time position
at the district.

What? What?!

She says she's working
full-time at the district.

Y'all can't hear?

Carey: Price starts with
a 3 or ends with a 5?

Welcome to your future!

Yeah.

Ooh. I'mma save so much
money from the chiropractor

from not having to
look down at you.

Hmm!

Ava: So, after
formally interviewing

536 applicants,

I found a perfect
replacement for Janine.

She has great fashion
sense, went to Penn State,

and says her best skill is
creative problem ignoring.

I can't wait to introduce
her to the rest of the staff.

I hope you get a
nude from the T-800!

Ooh. What's going on here?

Jacob responded to my
newsletter using a chat bot.

I ran it through that program,

and the only thing real
was some corny joke

about if you
spring-cleaned my head,

you'd probably see
your reflection in it.

What the hell, Jacob?!

You gave us a hard
time for using it,

but then you go and do the
same thing to Mr. Johnson!

I'm sorry. I've been completely
underwater this week.

Ha! Mr. Johnson is

single-handedly
responsible for keeping

most of the toilets in this
joint running some of the time.

Yet he still found the time

to put his heart and soul
into that newsletter.

Wait. So you authentically

respond to his
newsletter, but not mine?

Yeah. He sends one e-mail

per quarter, and it
is usually filled

with delightful
anecdotes and musings.

Mm-hmm. You send 10 e-mails
a day. And you know what?

I rarely feel like I'm
learning a thing about you.

Oh, and you feel like
you learn something

about Mr. Johnson
from that newsletter?

I think we all know
he likes to clean!

Actually, it's more than
about spring cleaning

and explores its origins
in the Iranian culture.

I learned a lot about
the Iranian people

since their problematic
depiction in the film "300."

Great read. Very insightful.

And you would've known that
if you had read my newsletter,

you ignorant fool! Ooh!

Y'all fightin'?!

Ava: Everyone, please
meet Mercedes...

Janine's more
evolved replacement.

So, who's winning?

Oh, I got 10 on the plumber.

Woman: Ends with a 4. Carey:
It can't... It can't end...

I wanted to tell you
earlier with everyone else,

but you weren't there, and then
you told me about Alex, so...

I mean, it's... it's,
uh... it's wild.

But, um, congrats?

Thanks.

Yeah. Congrats.
Congrats. Thank you.

Alex: Hello?

Right. Okay. Yeah. Oh. Right.

Um, Alex...

Just because I'm not
there doesn't mean

that the school isn't
filled with great teachers.

A-And Mr. Eddie
is right next door

in case you ever need anything.

Right?

Yeah. I'll be right there
if you ever need me.

I don't know.

Alex, what do you want
to be when you grow up?

I want to be on "The
Price Is Right."

Okay. Mm-hmm.

Well, then you
need to learn math

in order to make your guesses.

Hm!

Not to mention communication
skills... Mm-hmm.

Critical thinking,
and understanding

of socioeconomic inflation.

And you have to take P.E.

to spin the big
wheel, which is fun.

Yeah. That, too. Right?

And you have to learn
all that stuff in school.

Look.

Teachers are gonna come
and go in your life.

Heck, people, for that matter.

You'd still play Plinko

even if Drew Carey
wasn't the host, right?

I'd still play.

Okay. So... can we expect
you at school tomorrow?

Carey: $500, so
you got $1,500...

Okay.

Good. Okay. Okay.

And maybe, one day, you
can go on a game show

and win a new refrigerator
for your grandma.

That boy better at
least win me a Kia!

Carey: Good luck! Good
luck! Come on! Ugh!

So, how do we make sure he
actually shows up every day?

Gregory: Um, you know,

maybe the Goofballs can
help keep an eye on him.

Part of my proposal is
about keeping the students

accountable for each other
while in the program.

That's a really good idea.

I look forward to seeing the
proposal at the district.

Congratulations
on taking the job.

No one deserves it more.

Thanks. Still hasn't
really hit me yet.

Yeah, I don't think
it's hit me yet, either.

"And with that in mind,
I ask but one question...

Are any of us clean?"

Huh!

It's breathtaking, Mr. Johnson.

I apologize, truly.

I accept

twenties or gift cards

of the same value.

Upon self-reflection,

perhaps I did overdo
it with my e-mails.

I am so sorry for getting
so upset with you both.

It is okay.

We shouldn't have
used technology

to mislead you into
thinking that we care.

Yeah, from now on, we'll
just delete your e-mails

like normal people do.

I am so grateful for that.

Thank you for your humanity.

Hey, Gregory.

Hey. I'm just calling to let you
know that Alex is back in school.

He's even early.

Ohh. Good. That's great news.

Yeah. It is.

You know, we make
a really good team.

Yeah, we do.

Have a great day.

You too.

Hey, there!

So, they tell me you're
gonna be here full-time!

Hmm! Yeah.

So I'm just here to drop
off your start paperwork.

Oh, um...

You know what? Can I have a day?

I'm just so swamped.

Oh, and the rest of us aren't?

But, of course! Take your time.

Mm-hmm.

Farrah's gonna come right back to
me after I give her these flowers.

Dude, that's cabbage!

Hey, guys, we have
a new Goofball.

I want everyone
to say hi to Alex.

What's up? Let me bring
you up to speed, Alex.

First rule of Goofballs... We
don't talk about Goofballs.

That's not true. Jojo:
Second rule of Goofballs...

We don't call it Goofballs.

Okay, stop it. I need you
to be older and mature,

'cause we're trying to ke...

We gotta keep an eye on him!

Okay, Alex! Hold on! No, no,
no, no! Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Okay. Alright. Look. "Price
Is Right" is not even on.

It's not even on!
You're so fast!

Captions by VITAC...