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1
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For Dalia Royce, packing light,
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00:00:03,922 --> 00:00:05,523
had never been a strong suit.
3
00:00:05,557 --> 00:00:07,858
But she knew one piece of
baggage she wasn't bringing.
4
00:00:07,892 --> 00:00:09,627
Mommy, off me!
5
00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:12,496
Dalia, vacationing on
your boyfriend's yacht
6
00:00:12,531 --> 00:00:14,615
in turks and Caicos sounds exciting,
7
00:00:14,650 --> 00:00:17,451
but that destination is d?class?.
8
00:00:17,486 --> 00:00:19,320
- No, it's not!
- Yes, it is.
9
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Off!
10
00:00:20,722 --> 00:00:21,923
Dalia.
11
00:00:21,957 --> 00:00:25,676
If you truly think you can
enjoy your little getaway
12
00:00:25,694 --> 00:00:28,496
while I'm here all by
myself in this big house
13
00:00:28,547 --> 00:00:32,867
with no weekend plans and
no human companionship,
14
00:00:32,918 --> 00:00:35,686
then you just go right
ahead and have a great time.
15
00:00:37,456 --> 00:00:39,540
Thanks, mommy, I will.
16
00:00:43,471 --> 00:00:46,340
Sometimes, when you find yourself alone
17
00:00:46,375 --> 00:00:48,809
in a big, old house with no weekend plans
18
00:00:48,844 --> 00:00:50,995
or any form of human companionship,
19
00:00:51,029 --> 00:00:52,830
it forces you to rekindle relationships
20
00:00:52,865 --> 00:00:54,465
you've given up on in the past.
21
00:01:01,857 --> 00:01:04,108
[Dial tone]
22
00:01:04,159 --> 00:01:05,843
Dallas' relationship with her mom
23
00:01:05,878 --> 00:01:08,312
was complicated by a number of things...
24
00:01:08,363 --> 00:01:09,747
[Telephone rings]
25
00:01:09,781 --> 00:01:11,883
One of which had six-inch heels
26
00:01:11,917 --> 00:01:14,001
and a back-combed bouffant.
27
00:01:14,036 --> 00:01:15,486
Every day is h blessing?
28
00:01:16,246 --> 00:01:18,714
Georgia? It's me... Dallas.
29
00:01:18,748 --> 00:01:21,017
Now, I don't want to get
into a whole to-do with you.
30
00:01:21,051 --> 00:01:22,652
I was just calling to talk to mama.
31
00:01:22,686 --> 00:01:24,687
Well, Dallas, you'll be pleased to know
32
00:01:24,705 --> 00:01:27,256
that you can talk to mama
whenever you want to now.
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00:01:27,291 --> 00:01:29,875
You won't even have to pick up a phone.
34
00:01:29,927 --> 00:01:32,244
She passed about an hour ago.
35
00:01:32,279 --> 00:01:35,665
You know her last words to me were,
36
00:01:35,699 --> 00:01:37,516
"did your sister call?"
37
00:01:37,551 --> 00:01:40,620
And all I could say was, "nope."
38
00:01:40,654 --> 00:01:42,338
So, had you rung up a tad earlier,
39
00:01:42,356 --> 00:01:44,140
mama might have survived.
40
00:01:44,174 --> 00:01:47,243
The doctor said she died of a broken heart.
41
00:01:47,277 --> 00:01:49,295
Actually, I said coronary artery disease.
42
00:01:50,530 --> 00:01:52,949
Funeral is Sunday.
43
00:01:52,983 --> 00:01:54,750
[Receiver clicks, dial tone]
44
00:01:59,896 --> 00:02:03,164
Meanwhile, George was
processing his own loss.
45
00:02:03,199 --> 00:02:05,517
- So, that's it?
- That's it.
46
00:02:05,568 --> 00:02:07,185
But I thought you liked Nora.
47
00:02:07,219 --> 00:02:09,654
I do, just not in that way.
48
00:02:09,689 --> 00:02:12,106
- But...
- It wasn't meant to be.
49
00:02:12,124 --> 00:02:14,175
Man, you seem so indifferent.
50
00:02:14,209 --> 00:02:16,294
I hope... I hope no one ever feels that way
51
00:02:16,329 --> 00:02:17,812
when they break up with me.
52
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:18,780
[Laughs]
53
00:02:18,814 --> 00:02:20,532
Well, I'm an adult, Tessa.
54
00:02:20,583 --> 00:02:22,200
Things are different for us.
55
00:02:22,234 --> 00:02:24,235
You know, sometimes things work out.
56
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:25,737
Sometimes they don't.
57
00:02:25,788 --> 00:02:28,623
And for the most part,
that's... that's okay.
58
00:02:28,641 --> 00:02:30,258
Okay.
59
00:02:31,059 --> 00:02:32,493
Whatever you say.
60
00:02:40,235 --> 00:02:42,419
- Dud in the sack?
- Kind of, yeah.
61
00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:43,854
- You done?
- Yeah.
62
00:02:43,888 --> 00:02:45,889
It's too bad, too, 'cause she potential.
63
00:02:45,924 --> 00:02:47,374
Just not in the sack.
64
00:02:47,425 --> 00:02:49,643
- Right, not in the sack.
- Shame.
65
00:02:49,677 --> 00:02:51,879
But silver lining... I got my wingman back.
66
00:02:51,904 --> 00:02:55,313
- [Laughs]
- And just in time to join me on a grouper.
67
00:02:55,316 --> 00:02:56,600
Are you into groupers?
68
00:02:56,618 --> 00:02:59,236
Uh, I mean, maybe when I was in college,
69
00:02:59,254 --> 00:03:00,387
but I got a kid, man.
70
00:03:01,414 --> 00:03:04,482
I mean, unless you were gonna let me...
71
00:03:06,068 --> 00:03:08,069
[Laughs] No, no, no, I couldn't.
72
00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:11,222
Grouper's a dating service, George.
73
00:03:11,273 --> 00:03:13,958
Oh. It's where a guy and
two of his single friends
74
00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:15,093
go on a blind date
75
00:03:15,127 --> 00:03:16,845
with a girl and two of her single friends.
76
00:03:16,879 --> 00:03:19,197
Oh, okay! So kind... kind
of like a triple date.
77
00:03:19,248 --> 00:03:20,415
Exactly!
78
00:03:20,449 --> 00:03:22,250
Javier did one with me
a couple of months ago,
79
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,051
- and now he's engaged.
- Really?
80
00:03:24,069 --> 00:03:25,820
She is hideous.
81
00:03:25,854 --> 00:03:29,674
But, you know, for him... not bad.
82
00:03:29,708 --> 00:03:32,110
[Laughs] Well, it actually sounds fun.
83
00:03:32,161 --> 00:03:33,428
Uh, who's our third?
84
00:03:33,462 --> 00:03:34,813
Are you out of your mind?
85
00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:37,315
Sheila would murder me for
even having this conversation.
86
00:03:37,349 --> 00:03:39,567
[Scoffs] Did she send you?
87
00:03:39,585 --> 00:03:41,236
Are you wearing a wire?
88
00:03:41,270 --> 00:03:42,303
No!
89
00:03:42,337 --> 00:03:44,405
I'm not wearing a wire.
90
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,925
But why are you wearing pumps?
91
00:03:46,959 --> 00:03:48,927
Yes, why are you wearing pumps?
92
00:03:48,961 --> 00:03:51,663
Okay, plebs. This is
actually a kitten heel.
93
00:03:51,697 --> 00:03:53,648
Sheila asked me to break these in for her
94
00:03:53,666 --> 00:03:55,366
so she wouldn't develop calluses.
95
00:03:55,417 --> 00:03:57,635
Now, fortunately, we
wear the same shoe size,
96
00:03:57,670 --> 00:03:59,270
so it works out well for everyone.
97
00:03:59,805 --> 00:04:01,238
- Does it?
- Yeah, it does.
98
00:04:01,273 --> 00:04:02,239
You know what, Fred?
99
00:04:02,274 --> 00:04:03,874
You can always say no,
100
00:04:03,909 --> 00:04:06,160
but we just figured that you might need
101
00:04:06,178 --> 00:04:07,961
a shot of testosterone in your life!
102
00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:09,296
Boys.
103
00:04:09,314 --> 00:04:11,098
My boys!
104
00:04:11,132 --> 00:04:12,350
You know I love you.
105
00:04:12,401 --> 00:04:14,602
And I think about you all the time.
106
00:04:14,636 --> 00:04:17,388
Nothing would make me happier
than to be your wingman,
107
00:04:17,422 --> 00:04:19,757
but Sheila would bag and
trade my testes like...
108
00:04:19,808 --> 00:04:23,594
I will protect and defend your
testes if Sheila finds out.
109
00:04:23,645 --> 00:04:24,679
Finds out what?
110
00:04:24,713 --> 00:04:26,764
It's... it's just drinks, Fred.
111
00:04:26,815 --> 00:04:29,383
You're... you're not doing anything wrong.
112
00:04:29,401 --> 00:04:30,901
Okay. I'll do it.
113
00:04:30,936 --> 00:04:32,236
- Yes!
- Yes!
114
00:04:32,270 --> 00:04:35,740
But I have to wear flats.
My feet are starting to bleed.
115
00:04:37,609 --> 00:04:42,913
Alih Jey:
Last night I
had a pleasant nightmare
116
00:04:42,948 --> 00:04:44,582
Da-da-da-da
117
00:04:44,616 --> 00:04:45,750
[Dog barks]
118
00:04:45,784 --> 00:04:47,585
Da, da, da, da
119
00:04:47,619 --> 00:04:48,753
Dalia: Okay.
120
00:04:48,787 --> 00:04:51,756
[High-pitched shrieking]
121
00:05:01,883 --> 00:05:02,850
Dallas?
122
00:05:05,137 --> 00:05:06,437
Were you s-shrieking?
123
00:05:06,471 --> 00:05:08,889
I don't believe so. Why do you ask?
124
00:05:08,923 --> 00:05:10,558
Uh, I don't know.
125
00:05:10,592 --> 00:05:12,309
I just heard this high-pitched shrieking,
126
00:05:12,361 --> 00:05:13,594
and then I opened the door
127
00:05:13,612 --> 00:05:15,196
to find you standing there creepily,
128
00:05:15,230 --> 00:05:16,280
and I was, I guess,
129
00:05:16,314 --> 00:05:18,232
just wondering if you were the source.
130
00:05:18,266 --> 00:05:21,235
Well, it's possible you
heard my inner shriek.
131
00:05:21,269 --> 00:05:22,953
Is there something going
on that I should know about?
132
00:05:22,988 --> 00:05:25,289
No. Not at all.
133
00:05:25,323 --> 00:05:27,742
But I did kill my mama.
134
00:05:29,711 --> 00:05:31,078
You what?
135
00:05:31,112 --> 00:05:32,329
Killed her dead.
136
00:05:32,381 --> 00:05:34,615
Mama died due to my neglect.
137
00:05:34,633 --> 00:05:36,617
Like a fern by the furnace.
138
00:05:36,635 --> 00:05:39,119
Was that the medical diagnosis?
139
00:05:39,137 --> 00:05:41,222
Who are you... Dr. Quinn?
140
00:05:43,091 --> 00:05:45,176
Mallomar?
141
00:05:45,227 --> 00:05:47,961
I guess.
142
00:05:50,131 --> 00:05:52,733
Mallomar can take your
taste buds on a joy ride,
143
00:05:52,768 --> 00:05:56,103
but it can't offer companionship
to your own mama's funeral,
144
00:05:56,137 --> 00:05:57,805
now, can it?
145
00:05:57,823 --> 00:05:59,857
I don't think so.
146
00:05:59,908 --> 00:06:00,691
Neither do I.
147
00:06:02,611 --> 00:06:04,829
Dallas, do you need someone
to go with you to the funeral?
148
00:06:04,863 --> 00:06:06,113
Because I can ask my dad.
149
00:06:06,147 --> 00:06:07,415
Tessa!
150
00:06:07,449 --> 00:06:11,035
I couldn't ask you outright, but I accept!
151
00:06:11,086 --> 00:06:12,319
Oh!
152
00:06:12,337 --> 00:06:16,107
Just the thought of
facing my family all alone,
153
00:06:16,141 --> 00:06:18,943
it makes me feel,
154
00:06:18,977 --> 00:06:21,512
well...
155
00:06:21,546 --> 00:06:25,232
Well...
156
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:27,485
[High-pitched shrieking]
157
00:06:30,605 --> 00:06:32,606
So weird!
158
00:06:32,641 --> 00:06:38,112
But that is coming from you, right?
159
00:06:38,146 --> 00:06:40,511
[Shrieking intermittently]
160
00:06:50,939 --> 00:06:52,323
Just out of curiosity,
161
00:06:52,374 --> 00:06:55,342
how come we didn't take your
very comfortable Mercedes
162
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,678
on this extremely long road trip?
163
00:06:57,712 --> 00:06:59,196
You mean the Yankee mobile?
164
00:06:59,230 --> 00:07:00,864
No, sir. Not in the south.
165
00:07:00,915 --> 00:07:03,734
Come down here in some
foreign car, get strung up.
166
00:07:03,768 --> 00:07:06,820
Sounds like a really welcoming place.
167
00:07:06,854 --> 00:07:09,923
See, it's sarcasm like that
that'll get you strung up.
168
00:07:09,958 --> 00:07:12,609
Pretty much anything will get
you strung up where I come from.
169
00:07:12,644 --> 00:07:14,428
Good to know.
170
00:07:14,446 --> 00:07:16,697
Anything else I should know
about your neck of the woods?
171
00:07:16,731 --> 00:07:18,298
I've never been this far south before.
172
00:07:18,332 --> 00:07:20,017
Well, mama used to always say,
173
00:07:20,051 --> 00:07:22,603
"grits are just like
normal folk, only more so."
174
00:07:22,887 --> 00:07:25,472
- Grits?
- "Girls raised in the south."
175
00:07:25,506 --> 00:07:27,391
Don't worry, T-Bone, they're
gonna love you down here.
176
00:07:27,425 --> 00:07:29,192
Sop you up like a biscuit.
177
00:07:29,227 --> 00:07:31,144
A little extra hair,
and you'll fit right in.
178
00:07:31,179 --> 00:07:33,163
- I packed some for you.
- Some extra hair?
179
00:07:33,197 --> 00:07:35,632
Yep. You never know how much
the occasion's gonna call for.
180
00:07:35,666 --> 00:07:37,901
We're going to a funeral.
181
00:07:37,936 --> 00:07:39,186
You're right.
182
00:07:39,237 --> 00:07:42,456
We'll hit the hair barn
at the next intersection.
183
00:07:42,978 --> 00:07:46,313
Okay. [Clears throat]
184
00:07:46,348 --> 00:07:47,731
Now, before the ladies get here,
185
00:07:47,766 --> 00:07:49,200
we should discuss some scenarios.
186
00:07:49,234 --> 00:07:51,135
Okay. All right.
187
00:07:51,169 --> 00:07:52,586
- Scenario number one...
- Mm-hmm.
188
00:07:52,604 --> 00:07:53,604
They're big 'uns.
189
00:07:53,655 --> 00:07:55,173
"Big 'uns"?
190
00:07:55,378 --> 00:07:57,979
And we haven't ordered cocktails,
in that case, we use the phrase
191
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:01,312
"oh, look, they don't have turkey sliders."
192
00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:02,981
That is code for "abort mission."
193
00:08:03,015 --> 00:08:05,066
They actually have Turkey Sliders, though.
194
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:08,152
Now, if they are new chunk city
195
00:08:08,203 --> 00:08:09,871
and we have ordered cocktails,
196
00:08:09,905 --> 00:08:11,122
in that case, I say we just
197
00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:12,807
talk about all of the STDs that we have.
198
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:14,492
Well, that makes sense to me.
199
00:08:14,526 --> 00:08:16,561
What?! That cannot make sense to you.
200
00:08:16,612 --> 00:08:18,079
- That is the worst plan I've ever heard.
- Oh, boys.
201
00:08:18,113 --> 00:08:19,047
Uh [Clears throat]
202
00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:20,598
I don't think it's gonna be an issue.
203
00:08:25,770 --> 00:08:28,772
[Meredith Brooks' "bitch" plays]
204
00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:31,408
By the time we arrived
at Dallas' family home,
205
00:08:31,443 --> 00:08:35,179
I'd had motion sickness, $60
worth of rest-stop food...
206
00:08:35,213 --> 00:08:38,182
- Hubba!
- Well, look who it is!
207
00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:39,867
Come here! Oh! Oh!
208
00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:42,586
- And a full-on southern-gal makeover.
- Whoo-wee, chicken bone!
209
00:08:42,637 --> 00:08:44,638
I got things in my colon
weigh more than you.
210
00:08:44,672 --> 00:08:46,657
[Laughs] Who's this?
211
00:08:46,708 --> 00:08:48,459
Uh, Hubba, this here is...
212
00:08:49,010 --> 00:08:50,394
Ooh! I'm sorry! So sorry!
213
00:08:50,428 --> 00:08:52,612
Um, I'm Tessa Altman,
and I'm from New York.
214
00:08:52,647 --> 00:08:54,264
And we are trained to do that.
215
00:08:54,298 --> 00:08:56,299
She's scrappy. Like her. [Laughs]
216
00:08:56,334 --> 00:08:59,119
Little gingersnap. Little...
Little firecracker. Little...
217
00:08:59,137 --> 00:09:01,104
Emmaline: Hubba, I swear
you would think that it was
218
00:09:01,155 --> 00:09:02,689
the 4th of July instead
of my sister's funeral.
219
00:09:02,723 --> 00:09:04,207
Now, you keep your damn voice down.
220
00:09:04,242 --> 00:09:05,208
Uh. Wha...?
221
00:09:05,259 --> 00:09:08,879
[Scoffs] Well, I-I can't believe.
222
00:09:08,913 --> 00:09:10,714
Could it really be? Doesn't seem.
223
00:09:10,748 --> 00:09:11,681
And yet, it is.
224
00:09:11,716 --> 00:09:13,100
Unless I'm...
225
00:09:13,134 --> 00:09:15,552
Nope, not dreaming.
226
00:09:15,586 --> 00:09:17,871
It's piggy.
227
00:09:19,107 --> 00:09:21,742
Emmaline, I go by my birth name now.
228
00:09:21,776 --> 00:09:25,946
Georgia, Savannah,
Sunset-Laemmle, get out here.
229
00:09:25,997 --> 00:09:28,682
This little piggy has run all the way home.
230
00:09:28,716 --> 00:09:30,984
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
231
00:09:31,019 --> 00:09:34,488
Rivalries die hard in the south.
232
00:09:34,522 --> 00:09:36,523
And this one was no different.
233
00:09:36,574 --> 00:09:40,994
Well, rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham.
234
00:09:41,029 --> 00:09:43,096
- You came!
- Well, of course I came.
235
00:09:43,131 --> 00:09:45,115
And I surely hope you don't blame yourself.
236
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,950
You told me it was my fault.
237
00:09:47,234 --> 00:09:48,251
That's true. It was.
238
00:09:48,302 --> 00:09:50,237
She killed our mama twice, you know.
239
00:09:50,271 --> 00:09:51,271
That's not possible.
240
00:09:51,305 --> 00:09:52,739
Once when you did not invite mama
241
00:09:52,757 --> 00:09:54,057
to the birth of Dalia Oprah.
242
00:09:54,091 --> 00:09:55,759
And then again when you divorced Steven
243
00:09:55,793 --> 00:09:57,143
and tarnished the family name.
244
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,379
And then this last time
when you actually killed her
245
00:09:59,413 --> 00:10:00,847
with your tardy-ass phone call.
246
00:10:01,131 --> 00:10:02,749
- That's a total of three times.
- That's right.
247
00:10:02,783 --> 00:10:03,967
She killed her mama three times.
248
00:10:04,001 --> 00:10:05,635
And, lord, if she would have seen
249
00:10:05,669 --> 00:10:08,188
this little bald girl marching
into her Christian home!
250
00:10:08,239 --> 00:10:09,839
[Laughs] Bald girl?
251
00:10:09,874 --> 00:10:12,975
I'm, like... I'm, like,
wearing 14 pounds of human hair.
252
00:10:12,993 --> 00:10:15,578
Would have killed her again.
Oh, where are my manners?
253
00:10:15,612 --> 00:10:19,149
Would either of you homicidal
maniacs like a sweet tea?
254
00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:20,683
Oooh, oooh
255
00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:21,684
Sweet tea?
256
00:10:21,719 --> 00:10:23,953
Oooh
257
00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:27,240
oooh, oooh
258
00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:30,950
I want to switch.
259
00:10:30,984 --> 00:10:32,418
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
260
00:10:32,452 --> 00:10:34,270
- No.
- Mine's got a clicking jaw.
261
00:10:34,304 --> 00:10:35,654
Every time she chews, I can hear it.
262
00:10:35,689 --> 00:10:37,706
She's got, like, a
mechanical pencil in her face.
263
00:10:37,741 --> 00:10:39,658
[Clicking]
264
00:10:39,692 --> 00:10:41,526
- That's her jaw?
- That's her jaw.
265
00:10:41,545 --> 00:10:43,078
Mine is married.
266
00:10:43,129 --> 00:10:45,197
Yeah, she's just here
for support, like Fred.
267
00:10:45,215 --> 00:10:49,201
So the cooler has his hooks
in the only eligible one?
268
00:10:49,219 --> 00:10:50,719
He got...
269
00:10:50,754 --> 00:10:55,224
- Linda.
- He... he got Linda!
270
00:10:55,258 --> 00:10:58,260
My jaw may click, but
my hearing's just fine.
271
00:11:07,469 --> 00:11:10,319
Tonight, our spirits are low.
272
00:11:10,784 --> 00:11:12,351
But our hair is high.
273
00:11:12,369 --> 00:11:13,953
Well, mostly.
274
00:11:13,988 --> 00:11:16,389
Are you kidding? I had
trouble clearing the doorway.
275
00:11:16,407 --> 00:11:17,874
I can barely hold my head up.
276
00:11:17,908 --> 00:11:20,877
Sunset-Laemmle, say grace.
277
00:11:20,911 --> 00:11:22,846
Oh, why does she always get to say grace?
278
00:11:22,897 --> 00:11:24,280
She ain't holier than me.
279
00:11:25,134 --> 00:11:28,002
Dear Lord, thank you for the fried food
280
00:11:28,053 --> 00:11:29,103
we are about to receive,
281
00:11:29,138 --> 00:11:32,590
and also thank you for the broiled peanuts
282
00:11:32,624 --> 00:11:34,542
and... and the shrimp and grits,
283
00:11:34,576 --> 00:11:38,311
- seeing as those were her favorites.
- Let's eat.
284
00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:40,515
Before we do so, I would
like to say a few words.
285
00:11:40,549 --> 00:11:44,068
Heaven surely shines a
little brighter tonight
286
00:11:44,103 --> 00:11:48,006
knowing that my sweet
mama has entered its gates.
287
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:49,976
Amen. Let's eat.
288
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,901
I... I would also like to
say a few words myself.
289
00:11:51,910 --> 00:11:55,729
Mama, as your firstborn,
we shared a special bond
290
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:58,415
you didn't share with any
of your subsequent children.
291
00:11:58,450 --> 00:11:59,950
- Amen.
- Mama.
292
00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:01,452
You were the wind beneath my wings.
293
00:12:01,486 --> 00:12:02,920
You were the apple of my eye.
294
00:12:02,954 --> 00:12:03,888
You were the cream in my coffee.
295
00:12:03,922 --> 00:12:05,439
You were my Blood Diamond, mama.
296
00:12:07,659 --> 00:12:09,627
Well, I think it's clear
297
00:12:09,661 --> 00:12:12,446
you both loved your mama
very much, and equally so.
298
00:12:12,997 --> 00:12:15,465
- You were my November Rain.
- You were my Hunt For Red October.
299
00:12:15,499 --> 00:12:17,684
I never left her side.
She never left my heart.
300
00:12:17,735 --> 00:12:19,836
- She was my best friend.
- She was my twin!
301
00:12:22,857 --> 00:12:24,074
Tessa: Okay, well, let's eat.
302
00:12:24,092 --> 00:12:25,842
I don't want the boiled
peanuts to get cold.
303
00:12:25,876 --> 00:12:27,944
Oh, they're already cold and weirdly slimy.
304
00:12:27,978 --> 00:12:28,895
I hate them.
305
00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:30,297
- Hubba?
- Thank you.
306
00:12:30,331 --> 00:12:32,215
Mama lived and died with me by her side,
307
00:12:32,249 --> 00:12:34,451
and everybody in this family
knows of my dedication to her.
308
00:12:34,502 --> 00:12:36,936
But did... did y'all know about the things
309
00:12:36,970 --> 00:12:38,321
that mama did for me, huh?
310
00:12:38,372 --> 00:12:40,707
How she cheered me up when I was sick?
311
00:12:40,741 --> 00:12:42,792
Mama was my Patch Adams!
312
00:12:42,827 --> 00:12:44,244
She was so patient.
313
00:12:44,278 --> 00:12:46,279
She taught me how to do things that she...
314
00:12:46,304 --> 00:12:47,454
She was my Mr. Miyagi.
315
00:12:47,455 --> 00:12:48,221
- Dallas!
- What?!
316
00:12:48,239 --> 00:12:49,440
Stop trying to out-eulogize me.
317
00:12:49,991 --> 00:12:51,341
This whole family knows
318
00:12:51,375 --> 00:12:53,944
that you did not give a
pickled rat's ass about mama.
319
00:12:53,978 --> 00:12:55,528
Is that what this is?
320
00:12:55,562 --> 00:12:58,181
Now, look here, we may have been estranged,
321
00:12:58,215 --> 00:13:01,701
but that does not mean mama
was not the cherry in my coke
322
00:13:01,736 --> 00:13:04,437
because she was.
323
00:13:04,472 --> 00:13:06,773
She made me who I am.
324
00:13:08,876 --> 00:13:11,878
She was my Geppetto!
325
00:13:12,412 --> 00:13:14,147
Meanwhile, back in Chatswin,
326
00:13:14,181 --> 00:13:16,165
there was only one couple on the group date
327
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,800
who'd found the recipe for love.
328
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:20,286
And what I like to do is
add just a dash of cinnamon
329
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:21,587
to the peach reduction to infuse it
330
00:13:21,621 --> 00:13:23,355
with a "what the huh?!" flavor.
331
00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:26,142
[Laughs] Fred, you're reckless.
332
00:13:26,176 --> 00:13:27,159
Well...
333
00:13:27,194 --> 00:13:29,228
Noah: And married, you know?
334
00:13:29,262 --> 00:13:30,196
I'm sorry?
335
00:13:30,230 --> 00:13:31,797
My man Fred here...
336
00:13:31,832 --> 00:13:34,233
He's matrimonious, as in
off the market, unavails.
337
00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:36,318
Is that true?
338
00:13:37,495 --> 00:13:39,997
- Uh, I'm afraid so.
- Fred, no.
339
00:13:40,031 --> 00:13:41,681
You know what? Maybe we
should call it a night?
340
00:13:41,699 --> 00:13:42,950
Ladies, thank you for a wonderful evening.
341
00:13:42,984 --> 00:13:44,701
I'm sorry it didn't work out for any of us.
342
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:46,303
- Fred.
- Yeah?
343
00:13:46,337 --> 00:13:47,704
- I'd really like to keep in touch.
- Oh.
344
00:13:47,739 --> 00:13:49,189
Even if it's just as friends.
345
00:13:49,223 --> 00:13:50,557
Um, we could swap recipes.
346
00:13:50,575 --> 00:13:52,092
I'll send you peach crumble.
347
00:13:52,126 --> 00:13:53,844
I'll send you ooey-gooey-chewy cookies.
348
00:13:53,895 --> 00:13:57,347
- Oh, that sounds wonderful.
- [Both laugh]
349
00:13:57,382 --> 00:13:59,816
Tessa: Those were some beautiful
things you said at dinner tonight.
350
00:13:59,851 --> 00:14:01,235
Dallas: Tessa, can I be honest with you?
351
00:14:01,269 --> 00:14:03,921
My mama was a narcissistic,
352
00:14:03,955 --> 00:14:07,007
punishing, alienating sea-bitch.
353
00:14:07,041 --> 00:14:09,793
She came from the...?
354
00:14:09,827 --> 00:14:12,029
Sea. I always felt so.
355
00:14:12,063 --> 00:14:14,631
So all those things you said at dinner...
356
00:14:14,666 --> 00:14:15,966
That's how mama liked it...
357
00:14:16,017 --> 00:14:17,884
Everyone fighting over who loved her more.
358
00:14:17,902 --> 00:14:19,620
And every time I walk through this door,
359
00:14:19,654 --> 00:14:21,888
it's like I'm 8 years old
again, trying to prove myself.
360
00:14:21,922 --> 00:14:23,907
Dallas, take it from someone
361
00:14:23,942 --> 00:14:27,744
who has... mommy issues of their own.
362
00:14:27,779 --> 00:14:33,867
If you don't talk about
it, it never goes away.
363
00:14:35,159 --> 00:14:36,860
I think you owe it to yourself
364
00:14:36,895 --> 00:14:39,963
to have an honest conversation
with her about your feelings.
365
00:14:39,997 --> 00:14:43,166
But it's too late.
366
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,903
Is it?
367
00:14:50,592 --> 00:14:53,476
You never supported me.
368
00:14:53,494 --> 00:14:58,265
You pushed me into
marriage before I was ready.
369
00:14:58,299 --> 00:15:02,269
You criticized every choice I ever made.
370
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,464
Go on.
371
00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:08,665
She can handle it.
372
00:15:10,885 --> 00:15:12,886
And I really could have used your support
373
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,639
when I went through that
nasty divorce with Steven.
374
00:15:15,673 --> 00:15:18,091
I'll never understand why
you had to make everything
375
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:21,828
a competition between Georgia and me.
376
00:15:21,862 --> 00:15:23,296
[Sighs]
377
00:15:23,330 --> 00:15:25,832
I suppose the answer to all these questions
378
00:15:25,867 --> 00:15:29,403
now lies at the bottom of the sea.
379
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:37,243
Oh, down in the bubbly blue...
380
00:15:39,180 --> 00:15:43,717
Where you came from, sea-bitch.
381
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,151
Okay. That'll do.
382
00:15:46,688 --> 00:15:48,572
Congratulations, Dallas.
383
00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:50,832
You did it.
384
00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:53,402
Yeah.
385
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:58,040
I guess I did.
386
00:15:58,074 --> 00:16:00,659
I should have never exchanged
my particulars with that woman.
387
00:16:00,677 --> 00:16:02,795
- She has my particulars!
- Fred! Relax!
388
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,029
I took a toke.
389
00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:07,166
It was laced with Linda,
and I got high off her flow.
390
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,334
Now I'm coming down. I'm legit tripping.
391
00:16:09,352 --> 00:16:11,636
And half of me thinks
shorty's gonna blow up my spot.
392
00:16:11,654 --> 00:16:13,104
[Cellphone vibrating] She is.
393
00:16:13,123 --> 00:16:14,540
She's gonna blow up my spot.
394
00:16:18,044 --> 00:16:19,445
[Grunting]
395
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:24,917
[Muttering indistinctly]
396
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:31,507
You handled that nicely.
397
00:16:31,541 --> 00:16:33,625
E-mail... I have
to change my e-mail.
398
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:34,977
Okay.
399
00:16:35,011 --> 00:16:36,562
- All right.
- [E-mail alert dings]
400
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:37,713
[Laughs]
401
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,197
She's trying to reach you cross-platform!
402
00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:40,782
No, don't click on it!
403
00:16:40,817 --> 00:16:42,918
Fred, look at the subject line.
404
00:16:42,952 --> 00:16:45,087
It's a cookie recipe.
405
00:16:45,121 --> 00:16:46,889
- Relax.
- Okay.
406
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,957
- You've got nothing to worry about.
- Okay.
407
00:16:50,626 --> 00:16:52,777
Hi, Fred.
408
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,980
I promised to show you
my warm, drippy cookies,
409
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,481
and I'm about to.
410
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:58,616
I'm about to show you how I
like to put them in my mouth.
411
00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:00,118
Oh, don't you dare!
412
00:17:00,152 --> 00:17:01,836
Oh, don't you dare, Fred!
413
00:17:01,871 --> 00:17:03,221
- Ohh!
- Listen to me!
414
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,056
[Grumbles] Don't you dare!
415
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,641
Fred! [Giggles]
416
00:17:06,676 --> 00:17:07,959
It's so hot.
417
00:17:07,993 --> 00:17:13,348
Oh, I didn't expect it to be so... hot.
418
00:17:13,382 --> 00:17:14,683
[Giggles]
419
00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:17,902
- Hmm.
- You are perfect. I love you.
420
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:23,090
Ooh. Can you believe how drippy
and molten the insides are?
421
00:17:23,141 --> 00:17:25,526
- Mmm! Ohh!
- I can't watch!
422
00:17:25,561 --> 00:17:27,411
- Oh, Fred, these cookies.
- I can.
423
00:17:27,429 --> 00:17:30,965
- Mmm!
- Ohh. Lick your lips.
424
00:17:30,999 --> 00:17:32,183
- Don't lick them.
- Ooh.
425
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:33,651
You lick your lips.
426
00:17:34,685 --> 00:17:37,237
Mmm. Yes!
427
00:17:37,271 --> 00:17:39,339
- [Groaning]
- [Laughs]
428
00:17:39,390 --> 00:17:41,074
Ooh. Aah!
429
00:17:41,108 --> 00:17:42,359
Ooh.
430
00:17:42,393 --> 00:17:43,310
Ooh.
431
00:17:43,344 --> 00:17:44,227
Sheila: Fred!
432
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:49,216
What's going on here?
433
00:17:49,251 --> 00:17:51,252
Why do you have a friend
over? It's a school night.
434
00:17:51,286 --> 00:17:52,354
Hello, Mrs. Shay.
435
00:17:52,379 --> 00:17:53,988
What kind of trouble are
you boys getting into?
436
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,940
[Voice shaking] No kind
of trouble at all, dear.
437
00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:58,576
- We were just, uh, watching...
- Snuff porn.
438
00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,395
- Saved it.
- Noah!
439
00:18:01,429 --> 00:18:03,647
That kind of filth may
be fine in your household,
440
00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:05,449
but Fred has not been exposed to that.
441
00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:07,201
It is not appropriate for him.
442
00:18:07,235 --> 00:18:09,787
Remember, he is quite a
bit younger than you are.
443
00:18:09,821 --> 00:18:11,272
- What?!
- He looks up to you.
444
00:18:11,306 --> 00:18:12,923
Because I'm taller.
445
00:18:13,402 --> 00:18:15,970
Come on, there's no way
that Fred is younger than me.
446
00:18:16,004 --> 00:18:17,654
Well, I'll tell you what's
not getting any younger
447
00:18:17,672 --> 00:18:19,740
is the rump I'm roasting
for Sheila's dinner.
448
00:18:19,775 --> 00:18:22,827
I'll, uh, just start by clearing the table.
449
00:18:22,861 --> 00:18:24,946
Start by reming this cumbersome laptop.
450
00:18:24,997 --> 00:18:26,113
[Chuckles]
451
00:18:26,164 --> 00:18:30,701
Putting it in is drawer
and swallowing the key.
452
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,503
[Gulps]
453
00:18:32,538 --> 00:18:33,838
[Chuckles]
454
00:18:33,872 --> 00:18:36,123
Hope everyone likes little potatoes!
455
00:18:36,174 --> 00:18:38,910
How old do you think I am?
456
00:18:46,953 --> 00:18:48,037
Okay, here's the plan.
457
00:18:48,071 --> 00:18:49,372
I cough up the key, we unlock the drawer,
458
00:18:49,406 --> 00:18:50,873
you dispose of the evidence.
459
00:18:50,907 --> 00:18:52,875
Sheila's never the wiser. Okay.
460
00:18:52,909 --> 00:18:54,910
[Coughing]
461
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:58,429
Dad!
462
00:18:58,447 --> 00:19:00,648
It's already unlocked!
463
00:19:00,699 --> 00:19:03,601
What... looking for something, boys?
464
00:19:03,619 --> 00:19:06,770
Uh, uh... I see your
knuckles are bloody, my love.
465
00:19:06,788 --> 00:19:08,739
Are they?
466
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:11,242
- Did you have an accident of some sort?
- I'll go get a band-aid.
467
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:13,611
Don't you go anywhere!
468
00:19:13,629 --> 00:19:16,631
Uh, hey, what's that stubborn matter
469
00:19:16,665 --> 00:19:18,516
you're scraping from
beneath your nails there?
470
00:19:18,550 --> 00:19:20,568
Some of it's dirt.
471
00:19:20,619 --> 00:19:23,505
Some of it's semi-sweet morsels.
472
00:19:23,556 --> 00:19:26,424
And the rest of it... is Linda.
473
00:19:26,437 --> 00:19:27,488
- I've got homework.
- Aah!
474
00:19:29,791 --> 00:19:35,162
My sweets are the only treats
475
00:19:35,213 --> 00:19:38,799
you should be sampling, Fred Shay.
476
00:19:38,833 --> 00:19:41,051
Remember that.
477
00:19:41,086 --> 00:19:42,836
And help Linda remember that, too,
478
00:19:42,887 --> 00:19:47,307
since I suspect her
short-term memory may be...
479
00:19:47,342 --> 00:19:49,343
Spotty from now on.
480
00:19:49,394 --> 00:19:50,644
Ooh. [Chuckles]
481
00:19:50,679 --> 00:19:53,347
- Kitty has claws.
- [Laughs]
482
00:19:53,398 --> 00:19:54,631
But she's alive, right?
483
00:19:54,649 --> 00:19:56,033
Don't worry.
484
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:58,102
I didn't touch a hair on her head.
485
00:19:58,136 --> 00:20:00,070
I just tripped and fell
after pooping in her mailbox.
486
00:20:00,105 --> 00:20:02,706
- Ooh.
- She's been warned.
487
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:10,247
Dallas: Well, made it through the funeral.
488
00:20:10,281 --> 00:20:12,116
And I can't thank you enough
489
00:20:12,150 --> 00:20:14,618
for being ol' dirty bastard to my Mariah.
490
00:20:14,652 --> 00:20:16,987
You're very welcome, Dallas.
491
00:20:17,005 --> 00:20:18,989
Hey, do you want to come in or something?
492
00:20:19,007 --> 00:20:20,174
No, thanks.
493
00:20:20,208 --> 00:20:22,476
I think I've had enough
turmoil for one day.
494
00:20:22,510 --> 00:20:23,877
I don't need to see your daddy
495
00:20:23,928 --> 00:20:25,462
and his new girlfriend canoodling.
496
00:20:25,496 --> 00:20:27,097
Oh. No, they broke up.
497
00:20:27,132 --> 00:20:29,600
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
498
00:20:29,634 --> 00:20:31,802
- How sad.
- George seems fine about it.
499
00:20:31,836 --> 00:20:33,470
- Oh.
- Good night.
500
00:20:36,057 --> 00:20:38,692
Hey. You made it back in one piece.
501
00:20:38,727 --> 00:20:41,278
I need a hot shower and a triple bypass.
502
00:20:41,312 --> 00:20:43,397
[Laughs] Hey.
503
00:20:43,448 --> 00:20:45,182
Hey.
504
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,451
- You okay?
- I'm okay.
505
00:20:47,485 --> 00:20:49,670
That gal of yours is pretty special.
506
00:20:49,704 --> 00:20:51,354
Yeah.
507
00:20:51,372 --> 00:20:55,692
Hey, uh, I'm sorry about
your mom passing, Dallas.
508
00:20:55,710 --> 00:20:58,495
I wanted to... offer my condolences.
509
00:20:58,529 --> 00:21:00,798
Oh. Back at you.
510
00:21:00,832 --> 00:21:02,082
May Nora rest in peace.
511
00:21:02,133 --> 00:21:04,367
Heard you stamped out your latest flame.
512
00:21:04,385 --> 00:21:07,455
Yeah, well, you know,
relationships are complicated.
513
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,305
Yes.
514
00:21:08,306 --> 00:21:10,591
And she's a great girl with a warm heart,
515
00:21:10,642 --> 00:21:12,059
and I wish her the best.
516
00:21:14,062 --> 00:21:15,312
Dud in the sack?
517
00:21:15,346 --> 00:21:17,614
[Laughs]
518
00:21:17,649 --> 00:21:20,150
Well, they can't all be Dallas royce.
519
00:21:20,185 --> 00:21:23,386
No, sir, they cannot.
520
00:21:23,404 --> 00:21:25,389
[Engine turns over]
521
00:21:31,029 --> 00:21:33,697
Fred could be your father.
522
00:21:33,731 --> 00:21:34,998
Okay?
523
00:21:35,033 --> 00:21:37,734
He could be your [Bleep] father.
524
00:21:39,735 --> 00:21:44,735
Sync & Corrections by Darcade
- Addic7ed.com -
525
00:21:44,785 --> 00:21:49,335
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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