Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,322 --> 00:00:03,418
- (knocking)
- Come in.
2
00:00:03,419 --> 00:00:05,510
Dave, you wanted to see me?
3
00:00:05,517 --> 00:00:07,884
Yes. Beckett, are you familiar
with the author Harper Thomas?
4
00:00:08,012 --> 00:00:10,880
My literary hero? He's the reason
I wanted to become a writer.
5
00:00:10,948 --> 00:00:14,284
I've read Gutter Alley a hundred
times. I keep a copy in my desk.
6
00:00:14,352 --> 00:00:17,721
Well, I keep my copy, and then I
keep 2 copies that bookend that copy.
7
00:00:17,788 --> 00:00:20,023
Still a little unclear. Do you know him?
8
00:00:20,091 --> 00:00:22,025
Nobody really knows him.
9
00:00:22,093 --> 00:00:24,094
After his first book came
out, he became a total recluse.
10
00:00:24,128 --> 00:00:26,062
No one's seen him in a decade.
11
00:00:26,097 --> 00:00:28,131
Word is he bottles his own urine.
12
00:00:28,269 --> 00:00:30,303
Well...
13
00:00:30,370 --> 00:00:32,305
Beckett Ryan,
14
00:00:32,372 --> 00:00:34,774
- meet Harper Thomas.
- (Beckett gasps.)
15
00:00:34,842 --> 00:00:37,010
Hello.
16
00:00:39,613 --> 00:00:41,547
Yeah, Harper is here
because his second book
17
00:00:41,615 --> 00:00:43,582
- is about to be released...
- (Beckett gasps.)
18
00:00:43,650 --> 00:00:46,598
And he has graciously agreed
to do a public reading.
19
00:00:46,599 --> 00:00:47,239
(Beckett gasps.)
20
00:00:47,253 --> 00:00:51,056
And our firm is handling the event
and you'll be his personal guide.
21
00:00:51,124 --> 00:00:54,026
And before you hyperventilate, perhaps
Harper would like a cup of coffee?
22
00:00:54,093 --> 00:00:56,362
No, he likes tea.
23
00:00:56,396 --> 00:00:59,164
All of us writers know that
he likes tea. I'll get it.
24
00:00:59,232 --> 00:01:01,834
- I'll get it. I'll get it.
- Ok, go. Ok, good.
25
00:01:04,037 --> 00:01:07,272
I thought I was the socially inept one.
26
00:01:07,340 --> 00:01:09,308
He's not gonna make a big deal
27
00:01:09,342 --> 00:01:11,310
out of me being here,
is he? No, no, no, no.
28
00:01:11,344 --> 00:01:14,412
He's aware that you're a very
private man and he's a professional.
29
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,782
HARPER THOMAS IS HERE!
HARPER THOMAS IS HERE!
30
00:01:20,453 --> 00:01:22,754
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
31
00:01:22,822 --> 00:01:27,325
- I love you.
- No!
32
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:31,763
Harper Thomas is here!
33
00:01:31,797 --> 00:01:35,333
He's tall for a teenage girl.
34
00:01:36,635 --> 00:01:40,171
Fill the lens
35
00:01:40,205 --> 00:01:43,241
With all your friends
36
00:01:43,275 --> 00:01:48,612
Oh now is forever
37
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,615
Come on, fill the lens
38
00:01:51,649 --> 00:01:53,717
With all your friends
39
00:01:53,718 --> 00:01:55,033
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
40
00:01:57,816 --> 00:02:01,285
Oh! Somebody tagged me on Facebook again.
41
00:02:01,319 --> 00:02:04,922
This better be a cute one.
42
00:02:04,956 --> 00:02:08,558
Nel-SON! Why do you keep tagging me
43
00:02:08,592 --> 00:02:10,860
in ugly photos? It's embarrassing!
44
00:02:10,895 --> 00:02:12,862
Well, you just answered your own question.
45
00:02:12,897 --> 00:02:15,065
That's my thing. I find
the worst photos of people,
46
00:02:15,099 --> 00:02:18,435
tag them for sport and then
release them back into the wild.
47
00:02:18,502 --> 00:02:22,872
Well, quit it. I can't spend half my
day untagging myself in stupid pictures!
48
00:02:22,907 --> 00:02:25,374
Yet, you leave up all the ones
of you making that duck face.
49
00:02:25,443 --> 00:02:28,177
Duck face is my go-to!
50
00:02:30,113 --> 00:02:33,583
I don't think you know how bad
that actually makes you look.
51
00:02:33,617 --> 00:02:35,418
That's not duck face.
52
00:02:35,486 --> 00:02:38,721
This is.
53
00:02:38,756 --> 00:02:41,289
Sorry, Stephanie, you just
don't have the bone structure.
54
00:02:45,846 --> 00:02:48,948
- Oh, hey, Gordon, make yourself comfortable.
- Ok!
55
00:02:59,492 --> 00:03:02,093
You know, Gordon, I think you
misunderstood me. When I said,
56
00:03:02,161 --> 00:03:04,062
"Make yourself comfortable",
I meant: sit in that chair,
57
00:03:04,130 --> 00:03:07,799
listen to me... with pants on.
58
00:03:07,867 --> 00:03:09,667
Oh!
59
00:03:09,735 --> 00:03:12,704
Ok, but you need to be more specific.
60
00:03:12,771 --> 00:03:16,074
I heard from your client,
Falafel Zone, today.
61
00:03:16,142 --> 00:03:18,210
They have an assignment for you.
62
00:03:18,244 --> 00:03:20,045
Yeah, now see, they're
losing some market share,
63
00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:22,179
so they would like you
to come up with a concept
64
00:03:22,214 --> 00:03:25,182
that they can leverage over
multiple platforms becau...
65
00:03:27,052 --> 00:03:29,786
They want you to come up with an idea.
66
00:03:29,821 --> 00:03:32,156
Oh, ok.
67
00:03:32,224 --> 00:03:33,457
Hm...
68
00:03:33,491 --> 00:03:36,660
Oh, I think cheese should have handles.
69
00:03:38,629 --> 00:03:41,298
No, an idea about falafel.
70
00:03:41,333 --> 00:03:43,334
Falafels with handles?
71
00:03:43,368 --> 00:03:47,170
Ha! I'm sorry, Dave, that's
a bit of a non-starter.
72
00:03:47,238 --> 00:03:50,240
Gordon, I really need you to concentrate.
73
00:03:50,274 --> 00:03:52,475
- And no procrastination.
- You know me, Dave,
74
00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:54,844
I don't procrastinate. I have a process.
75
00:03:54,879 --> 00:03:57,480
- Great! Gordon...
- Shhh!
76
00:03:57,547 --> 00:03:59,482
Process, Dave.
77
00:03:59,516 --> 00:04:02,785
Process. Shh...
78
00:04:04,721 --> 00:04:06,821
Hate to ask you this, but...
79
00:04:06,890 --> 00:04:09,024
- would you mind signing my book?
- No, no, no, no.
80
00:04:09,092 --> 00:04:10,792
I'm sorry, I don't sign autographs.
81
00:04:10,826 --> 00:04:12,961
I consider my words to
be a part of my soul,
82
00:04:13,029 --> 00:04:15,297
and I try not to give pieces
of my soul away to strangers.
83
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:20,602
I suppose a lock of your
hair is out of the question?
84
00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:23,705
I don't have much hair, so...
85
00:04:23,739 --> 00:04:25,494
- Everywhere?
- What?
86
00:04:25,495 --> 00:04:26,495
Yeah, too far.
87
00:04:30,045 --> 00:04:32,380
Hi. You must be Harper
Thomas. I'm Stephanie Lyons.
88
00:04:32,414 --> 00:04:34,949
I read your book in college.
It's an honour to meet you.
89
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:38,052
- Can I get your autograph?
- Uh, those are just the CliffsNotes.
90
00:04:38,086 --> 00:04:40,521
Are you sure you don't
just want his initials?
91
00:04:40,555 --> 00:04:42,489
I loved the gist of your story.
92
00:04:42,524 --> 00:04:44,959
(inaudible words)
93
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,394
Harper doesn't do autographs.
94
00:04:47,428 --> 00:04:50,063
- (inaudible whispering)
- Huh. Harper does do autographs.
95
00:04:50,097 --> 00:04:54,401
Oh!
96
00:04:54,435 --> 00:04:57,470
Ok.
97
00:04:57,538 --> 00:05:00,373
Sign there.
98
00:05:00,408 --> 00:05:03,476
- (indistinct whispering)
- Ok.
99
00:05:03,544 --> 00:05:06,578
- There you are.
- Thank you.
100
00:05:06,646 --> 00:05:09,514
- I will cherish this.
- Hey, Duck Face.
101
00:05:09,582 --> 00:05:11,383
You checked your Facebook page lately?
102
00:05:11,418 --> 00:05:13,919
Nelson, if you don't stop
tagging me, I will end you!
103
00:05:16,356 --> 00:05:18,424
- Missed me.
- You...
104
00:05:21,962 --> 00:05:24,528
I know it looks like I do,
105
00:05:24,596 --> 00:05:28,066
but I don't care that she threw that.
106
00:05:29,501 --> 00:05:33,104
Can I get another? Oh,
and some more hot water
107
00:05:33,138 --> 00:05:38,576
- for my fellow writer's tea?
- Yeah, because the tip on hot water is huge.
108
00:05:38,643 --> 00:05:41,245
So, where have you been
hiding the last 10 years?
109
00:05:41,313 --> 00:05:44,448
Inside my house...
110
00:05:44,516 --> 00:05:46,650
- writing this.
- (Beckett gasps.)
111
00:05:46,718 --> 00:05:49,019
That's the last one, promise.
112
00:05:49,053 --> 00:05:51,522
I wrote a page a week for 10 years.
113
00:05:51,556 --> 00:05:54,692
It's like being the first
person to see the Holy Grail.
114
00:05:54,726 --> 00:05:57,194
Yes, it is.
115
00:05:59,130 --> 00:06:00,529
- May I?
- No no no no.
116
00:06:00,530 --> 00:06:02,500
I'm not allowed to let anyone
read it until it's released.
117
00:06:02,501 --> 00:06:05,067
- I know. I only wanted to smell it.
- Nope.
118
00:06:05,135 --> 00:06:07,470
Touch it?
119
00:06:07,505 --> 00:06:11,240
Ok.
120
00:06:11,308 --> 00:06:14,142
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Alright, sorry.
121
00:06:14,176 --> 00:06:17,245
Sorry. I can't wait for your reading.
122
00:06:17,313 --> 00:06:19,381
You know, it sold out in about 10 minutes.
123
00:06:19,448 --> 00:06:21,349
Did you say
124
00:06:21,417 --> 00:06:23,351
s... s... sold out?
125
00:06:23,419 --> 00:06:26,622
You have a huge cult following.
I'm surprised you didn't know that.
126
00:06:26,689 --> 00:06:29,825
I've been living in isolation for a decade.
I stopped receiving faxes 8 years ago.
127
00:06:29,893 --> 00:06:31,627
Thank you.
128
00:06:34,362 --> 00:06:35,588
I thought you didn't drink.
129
00:06:35,589 --> 00:06:37,630
And I thought I'd be
reading to 5 elderly people
130
00:06:37,633 --> 00:06:39,567
on a break from a mall walk! Excuse me.
131
00:06:39,635 --> 00:06:41,669
Oops! Oh! Oh!
132
00:06:41,703 --> 00:06:43,738
Hmm. Hey, it's fine,
133
00:06:43,805 --> 00:06:45,940
I'll drink it from the tray.
134
00:06:52,213 --> 00:06:55,148
I like it when my cat goes...
135
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:58,752
* I like it when my cat goes... *
* Woof, woof! *
136
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:01,387
* I like it when my cat goes. *
137
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:03,690
* I like it when my cat goes...
* Ah-ah-ah-ah *
138
00:07:03,758 --> 00:07:05,358
139
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,527
(voice sped up)
140
00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:14,100
(voice slowed down) * I
like it when my cat goes... *
141
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:17,403
Gordon, what the hell are you doing!?
142
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:20,273
I'm looping. It's part of the process.
143
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:23,042
And what does this have
to do with Falafel Zone?
144
00:07:23,077 --> 00:07:26,212
I think that's pretty clear, Dave. Nothing.
145
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,881
You know, Gordon,
146
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:31,250
a client comes to us
'cause they need something.
147
00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:34,287
If we don't provide that
something that they need,
148
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:37,022
then I may have to take drastic action.
149
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,958
You're not going to quit, are you?
150
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,992
No, I'm not going to quit!
151
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:44,729
But if you keep this up,
I may have to f-f-fire you!
152
00:07:44,763 --> 00:07:47,599
- F-f-fire you!
- Oh, Gordon!
153
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,534
Phat beats, Dave.
154
00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:51,970
Woof, woof! Woof, woof!
155
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:54,739
* I like it when my cat goes. *
* Woof, woof! Woof, woof! *
156
00:07:54,773 --> 00:07:59,144
(laughing hysterically)
157
00:08:01,146 --> 00:08:03,981
- Harper...
- Hey, Bobcat!
158
00:08:04,015 --> 00:08:05,583
Beckett.
159
00:08:05,617 --> 00:08:08,051
Heh, heh! I miss us, man.
160
00:08:08,086 --> 00:08:10,321
Hey, I have a great idea. We should fight.
161
00:08:10,355 --> 00:08:11,892
- Oh...
- We should have a fight.
162
00:08:11,893 --> 00:08:13,850
What we got over here? A little worm?
163
00:08:13,858 --> 00:08:16,460
HEY! I'm a friend!
164
00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:19,163
Oh, this is fun. This is great.
165
00:08:19,197 --> 00:08:21,464
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, I read your book.
166
00:08:21,499 --> 00:08:24,601
(laughing) My what!?
167
00:08:24,635 --> 00:08:27,504
You know, that thing you spent the
last 10 years of your life writing?
168
00:08:29,273 --> 00:08:31,441
Get out of here, man.
169
00:08:31,475 --> 00:08:33,776
No, look, I'm telling you,
170
00:08:33,810 --> 00:08:36,346
I got the same feeling reading
that one as I did the first one.
171
00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:38,515
It's like a sequel that doesn't disappoint.
172
00:08:38,549 --> 00:08:40,617
What?
173
00:08:40,684 --> 00:08:43,953
- Congrats, man.
- I just wasted
174
00:08:43,987 --> 00:08:47,089
10 years of my life writing
the same book 2 times!
175
00:08:47,124 --> 00:08:49,892
- What?
- I am a failure...
176
00:08:49,926 --> 00:08:53,295
and a hack. And that book
can never be released.
177
00:08:53,363 --> 00:08:56,766
No. No, no. I never said that. When
did I say that? I didn't say that!
178
00:08:56,833 --> 00:08:59,835
Well, you didn't not say that.
179
00:08:59,903 --> 00:09:02,937
Only my best friend...
180
00:09:02,972 --> 00:09:07,108
could serve me up truth salad.
181
00:09:07,177 --> 00:09:09,144
Truth salad
182
00:09:09,212 --> 00:09:12,147
with croutons of insight.
183
00:09:12,215 --> 00:09:13,649
No, no.
184
00:09:13,716 --> 00:09:16,218
I WANT TO BE ALONE!
185
00:09:16,286 --> 00:09:18,987
Harper... Oh no, that's not a good idea.
186
00:09:19,055 --> 00:09:20,955
Harper, Harper, wait!
187
00:09:21,023 --> 00:09:23,124
Hold my faxes.
188
00:09:29,431 --> 00:09:31,399
No, no, no,
189
00:09:31,433 --> 00:09:35,336
no, no, no. You did not post a Vine
of me trying to swallow my vitamins!
190
00:09:35,370 --> 00:09:37,338
Well, it's up for Vine of the day.
191
00:09:37,406 --> 00:09:41,009
I'm gonna make you a star!
A blinking, swallowing star!
192
00:09:41,043 --> 00:09:44,544
- Ugh!
- Face it. You're just not photogenic.
193
00:09:44,612 --> 00:09:47,681
Yes, I am! Take a picture of me right now.
194
00:09:51,052 --> 00:09:53,854
Dammit! What happened to my neck?
195
00:09:53,922 --> 00:09:55,989
You know, Nelson, two
can play at this game.
196
00:09:56,024 --> 00:09:59,026
Oh, I don't think so. See, I
have a facial recognition app.
197
00:09:59,094 --> 00:10:02,662
It detects and deletes any
unflattering images of me.
198
00:10:02,697 --> 00:10:04,663
It's the same technology
that has the world fooled
199
00:10:04,698 --> 00:10:07,900
into thinking that George
Clooney is still attractive.
200
00:10:07,968 --> 00:10:09,769
Wow!
201
00:10:09,803 --> 00:10:11,871
I know, it's pretty smart, huh?
202
00:10:11,939 --> 00:10:14,273
Also, I had my parents sign waivers,
203
00:10:14,307 --> 00:10:18,111
and if they upload anything without
my approval, I own their house.
204
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:25,550
Oh, hi, Dave... listen, I
went to every bar in town...
205
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:29,855
everyone says "hi"...
but I couldn't find him.
206
00:10:29,922 --> 00:10:32,390
Where would he be headed? I think...
207
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:35,326
Oh, you want me beheaded.
208
00:10:35,394 --> 00:10:37,863
Is that a Bobcat?
209
00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:41,032
Ha, ha, ha! Yes, I was
just messing with you.
210
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:43,001
Like I do...
211
00:10:43,035 --> 00:10:44,402
Ok, I'll see you tomorrow.
212
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:47,204
- Harper? Are you alright?
- I'm fine, man.
213
00:10:47,239 --> 00:10:48,985
How did you get in here?
214
00:10:49,526 --> 00:10:51,170
And why are you wearing my roommate's robe?
215
00:10:51,176 --> 00:10:52,910
Oh, my God, what did you do to Abby?
216
00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:55,079
Awww, it's my Bobcat!
217
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:57,448
- There she is!
- Wait a minute...
218
00:10:57,483 --> 00:10:59,450
Did you guys... ?
219
00:10:59,485 --> 00:11:02,820
I had to. She is my muse.
220
00:11:02,854 --> 00:11:06,991
- You know me and writers.
- All too well.
221
00:11:07,025 --> 00:11:11,428
Oh! Tell him about your new book idea.
222
00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:14,665
The new book? What about the book
that took you 10 years to write?
223
00:11:14,699 --> 00:11:16,700
Come on, man, stop worrying!
224
00:11:16,768 --> 00:11:18,903
This guy is always worrying about stuff.
225
00:11:18,937 --> 00:11:20,671
- Because you're such a worrier!
- Alright!
226
00:11:20,705 --> 00:11:23,773
I'm already started! Do
you have any idea how fast
227
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,342
you can write when you're
too drunk to obsess over
228
00:11:26,376 --> 00:11:29,612
every sentence or remember
to put in punctuation?
229
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:34,383
- Yeah.
- It's about a werewolf and a vampire.
230
00:11:34,418 --> 00:11:37,220
They're together, that's the hook. Boom!
231
00:11:37,288 --> 00:11:40,089
- Do you guys mind if I crash here?
- Yeah, for sure,
232
00:11:40,124 --> 00:11:42,825
but can you sleep with Beckett?
You just cuddle way too much.
233
00:11:42,859 --> 00:11:46,461
Looks like we're gonna be bedmates!
234
00:11:46,495 --> 00:11:48,563
But I should warn you:
235
00:11:48,631 --> 00:11:50,999
- I'm a sleep puncher.
- Oh...
236
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:54,169
- Oh! Ok.
- AH!
237
00:11:54,237 --> 00:11:56,471
(laughing)
238
00:11:56,539 --> 00:11:59,541
(He snores.)
239
00:12:01,376 --> 00:12:03,410
Oh! (Harper grunting)
240
00:12:09,179 --> 00:12:13,115
I hurt everywhere.
241
00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:17,052
I can feel my blood
scraping trough my veins.
242
00:12:17,119 --> 00:12:19,321
You're not just a good sleep puncher...
243
00:12:19,389 --> 00:12:21,690
you're also good at trying
to stick my bedside lamp
244
00:12:21,757 --> 00:12:25,394
in places it does not belong.
245
00:12:25,428 --> 00:12:27,862
- Yeah, sit down.
- Yeah.
246
00:12:27,930 --> 00:12:30,065
(heavy sigh) Easy.
247
00:12:30,099 --> 00:12:32,668
(He snores.)
248
00:12:32,735 --> 00:12:35,170
How does he do that?
249
00:12:35,204 --> 00:12:39,774
Is he dead?
250
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:42,543
- No.
- Alright, we'll wheel him into my office
251
00:12:42,578 --> 00:12:44,545
and keep him there until
it's time for the reading.
252
00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:47,415
He's not going to be
reading his second book.
253
00:12:47,482 --> 00:12:50,384
Oh, why not?
254
00:12:50,452 --> 00:12:54,288
Because he wrote... this.
255
00:12:54,356 --> 00:12:57,725
What the hell happened!? I
thought you idolized this man.
256
00:12:57,792 --> 00:13:01,362
Is there some reason you're trying to
murder him and our company's reputation?
257
00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:04,131
Look, Dave, trust me. I've
got this handled, alright?
258
00:13:04,199 --> 00:13:06,033
I'm not gonna let
anything happen to Harper.
259
00:13:06,101 --> 00:13:09,837
(Harper groaning) Let's get cr?pes.
260
00:13:15,110 --> 00:13:17,878
- Ta! Ta! Ta! Ta! Shh...
- Oh...
261
00:13:17,946 --> 00:13:20,413
- How's Harper?
- He's sleeping like a little baby.
262
00:13:20,448 --> 00:13:23,050
I held a sleeping baby once.
263
00:13:23,118 --> 00:13:26,286
But then the mall security
made me give it back.
264
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,722
(in a low voice): Get out of here!
265
00:13:31,626 --> 00:13:34,961
Congratulations! Your
duck face has gone viral.
266
00:13:34,995 --> 00:13:37,464
Well... tag, you're it!
267
00:13:37,498 --> 00:13:39,766
Beckett gave me your high school yearbook.
268
00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:41,735
(sigh) Do I look worried?
269
00:13:41,802 --> 00:13:46,105
No? You should. Your mustache
looks like it has a mullet!
270
00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:47,906
That's the janitor.
271
00:13:47,940 --> 00:13:51,577
A bit racist.
272
00:13:51,611 --> 00:13:54,880
Besides, you can look all you want,
you're not going to find anything.
273
00:13:54,914 --> 00:13:57,383
That's the whole reason
that I was yearbook editor:
274
00:13:57,417 --> 00:13:59,918
to make sure that this
day would never arrive.
275
00:13:59,952 --> 00:14:03,422
Hey! Could you two keep it down?
276
00:14:03,456 --> 00:14:05,223
Harper is trying to sleep.
277
00:14:05,258 --> 00:14:08,359
He's punching like a little angel.
278
00:14:08,394 --> 00:14:12,697
Great news! I cured my hangover!
279
00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:18,703
- By getting drunk?
- No! No, no, no, no, no...
280
00:14:18,737 --> 00:14:23,040
By getting obliterated!
281
00:14:23,108 --> 00:14:26,877
I used this... to finish this.
282
00:14:26,912 --> 00:14:28,879
Harper, you're feeling better?
283
00:14:28,914 --> 00:14:30,915
The best, Dave!
284
00:14:30,949 --> 00:14:33,150
Thanks to your boy here.
285
00:14:33,218 --> 00:14:36,020
Well... give my boy a raise. (laughs)
286
00:14:36,054 --> 00:14:39,256
- Oh and I drank the rest of your liquor.
- Oh, there goes that raise!
287
00:14:39,324 --> 00:14:43,460
- And I'm not releasing my book.
- And why don't you clean out your desk?
288
00:14:43,494 --> 00:14:46,997
Instead, I will be previewing
289
00:14:47,032 --> 00:14:51,100
my new-new book at the bar-bar. Bar...
290
00:14:51,168 --> 00:14:54,003
It's about vampires
291
00:14:54,071 --> 00:14:56,940
and wait for it...
292
00:14:56,974 --> 00:14:59,309
(He snores.)
293
00:14:59,344 --> 00:15:02,646
werewolves!
294
00:15:02,714 --> 00:15:05,649
I've created a new genre.
295
00:15:08,619 --> 00:15:10,953
If he extends the life of that genre,
296
00:15:10,987 --> 00:15:13,556
I will destroy everything
that you hold dear.
297
00:15:13,623 --> 00:15:17,526
Yep, fair enough!
298
00:15:18,995 --> 00:15:22,030
I'd like to give a shout out to all
my muses in the audience tonight.
299
00:15:22,098 --> 00:15:24,867
- My sex buddy, Abby.
- That's me!
300
00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:28,838
- My working girl, Stephanie.
- (delighted exclamation)
301
00:15:28,905 --> 00:15:32,407
- And the best PR man in the business, Bobcat.
- It's me.
302
00:15:32,475 --> 00:15:36,778
Tonight, I will be
reading from my new book...
303
00:15:36,846 --> 00:15:40,415
The Vampire Who Loved a Werewolf...
304
00:15:40,483 --> 00:15:42,550
a Lot.
305
00:15:42,618 --> 00:15:45,353
Chapter one.
306
00:15:45,388 --> 00:15:48,623
(howling)
307
00:15:53,195 --> 00:15:55,397
Chapter two.
308
00:15:57,465 --> 00:15:59,466
"Their coming together was perfect.
309
00:15:59,534 --> 00:16:04,738
He would not be able to
go out into the daytime...
310
00:16:04,773 --> 00:16:08,709
because he's a vampire...
311
00:16:08,743 --> 00:16:10,912
and she preferred it,
312
00:16:10,946 --> 00:16:13,915
to make love underneath the full moon."
313
00:16:16,484 --> 00:16:18,786
Harper, you have to stop. You're
making a fool out of yourself.
314
00:16:18,820 --> 00:16:21,388
- Shut up. Sit down.
- Ok. 10-4.
315
00:16:24,793 --> 00:16:26,727
"And she woke up,
316
00:16:26,761 --> 00:16:30,397
because it was all... a dream."
317
00:16:33,301 --> 00:16:35,268
(inaudible words)
318
00:16:35,303 --> 00:16:39,339
Man, what a twist! So
none of that even happened?
319
00:16:39,407 --> 00:16:41,941
(camera click)
320
00:16:41,975 --> 00:16:44,109
Harper, you can't release that.
321
00:16:44,144 --> 00:16:46,111
Come on, you're just jealous
322
00:16:46,146 --> 00:16:48,080
because I'm a real writer and
you're stuck working in PR.
323
00:16:48,114 --> 00:16:51,918
- I like my job.
- (Harper chuckles.)
324
00:16:51,952 --> 00:16:55,254
Good! Because you're gonna be
stuck doing it for a long time.
325
00:16:55,288 --> 00:16:58,257
Oh, hey, hey, Bobcat! I have
an idea, let's have a fight.
326
00:16:58,291 --> 00:17:00,860
Let's fight each other.
I'm not fighting you.
327
00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:02,861
Ok, cool. Oh, by the way, I read your book.
328
00:17:02,895 --> 00:17:05,497
Yeah, yeah... it's middling at best.
329
00:17:05,531 --> 00:17:07,666
Alright, well... now, we're
saying things we don't mean...
330
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:10,001
And writing things that aren't good.
331
00:17:10,035 --> 00:17:12,637
Ok, yeah. You know what?
332
00:17:12,672 --> 00:17:15,039
I see what you're doing, and
there's nothing you can say
333
00:17:15,074 --> 00:17:18,042
- that is gonna make me fight you.
- Fight! Fight! Fight him! Fight! Fight! Fight!
334
00:17:18,077 --> 00:17:21,946
- Boys, maybe we should calm down. We're all friends here.
- Yeah, we're all grown-ups.
335
00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:25,349
Ok, alright, alright,
alright. No fight. Ok?
336
00:17:25,383 --> 00:17:29,019
- Just play a game instead. Duck, Duck, Goose!
- (Stephanie gasps.)
337
00:17:29,087 --> 00:17:32,389
- Hey!
- Ah! What did you do that for?
338
00:17:32,423 --> 00:17:35,926
- Sorry, I didn't mean... I wasn't... Sorry.
- No, no, it's my fault, I'm...
339
00:17:35,994 --> 00:17:37,612
- Truce, ok?
- Yeah.
340
00:17:37,613 --> 00:17:38,613
Alright.
341
00:17:39,163 --> 00:17:42,199
"Hey! My name's Bobcat,
342
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:44,968
- and I like my job!"
- I kind of like my job.
343
00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:47,004
(Harper laughing mockingly)
344
00:17:47,071 --> 00:17:49,873
I'm the greatest novelist
of the 21st century!
345
00:17:49,907 --> 00:17:53,276
(howling)
346
00:17:58,016 --> 00:18:01,485
(telephone ringing)
347
00:18:01,552 --> 00:18:04,587
Gordon, that's Falafel Zone calling.
348
00:18:04,622 --> 00:18:06,689
- I'm not ready.
- They're calling to hear
349
00:18:06,757 --> 00:18:08,791
- your idea, you better be ready.
- I'm not ready!
350
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:11,528
- You have to be ready, Gordon. Gordon, just answer the phone.
- I can't. My mouth is full.
351
00:18:11,562 --> 00:18:13,830
- Answer the phone, Gordon.
- I don't know how!
352
00:18:13,898 --> 00:18:17,500
I am not answering your phone, Gordon. I am
not answering your phone! I am not answering
353
00:18:17,568 --> 00:18:20,069
- the damn phone! Alright!
- I'm not answering. NOOO!
354
00:18:20,137 --> 00:18:23,171
DLPR. Dave Lyons speaking, for some reason.
355
00:18:24,340 --> 00:18:26,708
Yes, you're calling for
Gordon. Yes, I understand,
356
00:18:26,776 --> 00:18:29,611
you want to hear his ideas.
Well, hold on just one second.
357
00:18:29,679 --> 00:18:33,181
- Gordon, take it.
- No! No! I got NOTHING!
358
00:18:33,249 --> 00:18:35,083
You better come up with something.
359
00:18:35,151 --> 00:18:37,052
No, it's not my fault! I kept
having to leave every half hour
360
00:18:37,119 --> 00:18:41,056
to get a new falafel. And
you keep stifling my process.
361
00:18:41,090 --> 00:18:43,390
- Gordon!
- (Gordon grunts.)
362
00:18:43,458 --> 00:18:46,093
(Gordon sighs.)
363
00:18:46,161 --> 00:18:49,229
It would be so much easier if
we could just order them online
364
00:18:49,297 --> 00:18:51,566
and have them deliver
to your door, like pizza.
365
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,634
Oooh, in pizza boxes!
366
00:18:53,702 --> 00:18:56,971
Did you hear that?
367
00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:59,139
Yes, I think it's a brilliant idea as well.
368
00:18:59,207 --> 00:19:01,809
No, no, you're right. I am very fortunate
369
00:19:01,877 --> 00:19:03,977
to work with such a...
370
00:19:04,045 --> 00:19:06,947
talented man.
371
00:19:07,014 --> 00:19:10,016
Alright, thanks very much.
372
00:19:10,051 --> 00:19:12,052
Well, Gordon, twice a year, you prove to me
373
00:19:12,087 --> 00:19:15,255
- I'm right for keeping you here.
- See you in 6 months, Dave.
374
00:19:15,290 --> 00:19:18,559
Alright. Oh, and Gordon, pants up.
375
00:19:18,626 --> 00:19:22,428
- Oh, come on!
- Now!
376
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:27,100
- Ah, Harper!
- Alright, look, I'm here.
377
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,069
But if you're gonna try to turn me back
378
00:19:29,136 --> 00:19:31,071
into that timid turtle of a
man, you can just forget it.
379
00:19:31,138 --> 00:19:34,240
Wouldn't think about it. We
here at DLPR support our clients,
380
00:19:34,308 --> 00:19:36,810
even if they want to use their
world class talent to turn out
381
00:19:36,844 --> 00:19:40,747
- mass market pulp fiction.
- Ok. Good, good, good.
382
00:19:40,781 --> 00:19:43,348
Because I'll tell you what.
Getting drunk and writing a book
383
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,350
in one day then getting laid sure beats
384
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:47,352
sitting alone in a room for 10 years.
385
00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:51,957
It sure does. You know, your new book
is so different from your first too.
386
00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:54,927
It's so much more...
commercial, which is why
387
00:19:54,995 --> 00:19:58,664
you'll be spending the next 2
years of your life doing this!
388
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,866
What the hell is this?
389
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,002
This is your new life. Shopping malls,
390
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:07,539
- college campuses, book tours...
- Hmmm, no, no, no book tours.
391
00:20:07,573 --> 00:20:11,075
Oh yeah! Every night,
1500, 2500-seat venues.
392
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:14,479
- No, no. I can't do that.
- Well, that is the life
393
00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:16,748
of a guy who writes vampire novels.
394
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,987
Something wrong?
395
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:26,624
No, I'm good.
396
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,459
Harper...
397
00:20:28,493 --> 00:20:31,729
Hey, you could always
see through me, Bobcat.
398
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,902
- I'm scared.
- Scared of what?
399
00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:40,672
That my second book
won't live up to my first.
400
00:20:40,706 --> 00:20:42,807
That perhaps I only have
one great novel in me.
401
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:45,843
Well, I know for a fact
that you already have two.
402
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:48,212
And according to you,
I don't even have one.
403
00:20:48,246 --> 00:20:52,248
But I'm not giving up,
so you shouldn't either.
404
00:20:52,316 --> 00:20:54,651
Thank you.
405
00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:56,653
Look, uh...
406
00:20:56,721 --> 00:20:58,822
the comment I made about your book...
407
00:20:58,856 --> 00:21:02,292
- Ah, forget it, I know you didn't mean it.
- Oh, yes, I did.
408
00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:04,995
But, you know, if you have anything else...
409
00:21:05,063 --> 00:21:07,030
- Really?
- Sure.
410
00:21:07,098 --> 00:21:09,286
'Cause it just so happens I've
been working on a short story.
411
00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:11,865
It's about a Ukrainian baba who...
412
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,872
It's... it's really more of an outline.
413
00:21:16,940 --> 00:21:19,375
- We can probably expense that.
- Oh, really?
414
00:21:24,358 --> 00:21:27,226
Did you have fun hanging out
with Harper Thomas this week?
415
00:21:27,261 --> 00:21:29,728
Yeah, but I like hanging
out with you guys better.
416
00:21:29,763 --> 00:21:32,365
Yeah, we're pretty good
friends. Pretty boy, move it
417
00:21:32,399 --> 00:21:35,000
or we're leaving without you!
418
00:21:35,034 --> 00:21:37,536
Oh, you're just in a bad mood
419
00:21:37,570 --> 00:21:39,872
because you couldn't
find a bad picture of me.
420
00:21:39,939 --> 00:21:41,807
Yes, you're right.
421
00:21:41,875 --> 00:21:43,809
There are no bad photos
of you in existence.
422
00:21:43,877 --> 00:21:45,911
I looked through Facebook,
423
00:21:45,945 --> 00:21:47,913
Myspace, Tumblr, Instagram,
424
00:21:47,947 --> 00:21:51,650
- YouTube... even tried Linkedln.
- Wow! You were desperate.
425
00:21:51,718 --> 00:21:53,785
- Hmm.
- Told you.
426
00:21:53,819 --> 00:21:55,753
Hey, by the way,
427
00:21:55,788 --> 00:21:57,755
your grandma is really nice.
428
00:21:57,790 --> 00:21:59,824
My grandma?
429
00:22:05,059 --> 00:22:10,825
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
430
00:22:10,875 --> 00:22:15,425
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
33318
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.