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1
00:00:04,904 --> 00:00:06,405
Okay. You ready
to go?
2
00:00:06,406 --> 00:00:08,507
Yeah, as soon as I finish
this mom crap.
3
00:00:09,909 --> 00:00:12,344
[telephone rings]
4
00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:13,345
Hello?
5
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:16,115
Yeah...
6
00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:18,150
Yeah.
7
00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:20,619
Yeah.
8
00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:23,255
Yeah.
9
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:25,357
Yeah!
10
00:00:27,927 --> 00:00:29,094
Well, isn't that cute?
11
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:31,363
D.J. Just closed
his first drug deal.
12
00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:35,934
What's he up to?
13
00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:37,102
I have no idea,
14
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:38,437
But I have a feeling
that it threatens all
15
00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:41,440
That is good and decent
in the world.
16
00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:42,775
D.J., get out here!
17
00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:43,776
Breakfast is ready.
18
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:46,945
Yuck.
19
00:00:46,946 --> 00:00:49,181
These aren't
the microwave kind.
20
00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:51,950
I know. The microwave
died this morning.
21
00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:54,053
It's okay to cry.
Your dad did.
22
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:58,957
I only like
the frozen ones.
23
00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:01,126
Okay, fine.
24
00:01:01,127 --> 00:01:02,895
They'll be ready
in an hour.
25
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:08,067
I have to go.
Where's my lunch?
26
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,136
Right there.
27
00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:13,605
I'm gonna look
like a dork carrying this.
28
00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:17,076
Yes, you will,
but this way people might think it's the bag.
29
00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:19,745
I hate tuna.
30
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,013
I'm not gonna eat this.
31
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:23,482
Hey, I worked hard
to make that tuna sandwich.
32
00:01:23,483 --> 00:01:25,150
You're gonna take it,
you're gonna go to school,
33
00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:28,020
And at lunch
you're gonna trade it for somethin' decent.
34
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:28,887
Fine!
35
00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:32,324
What's his problem?
36
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:34,326
Well, i've seen it
before.
37
00:01:34,327 --> 00:01:37,329
He's 12, he's crabby,
38
00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:39,098
He's becoming a woman.
39
00:01:42,168 --> 00:01:44,903
Aw, it happens
so fast.
40
00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:47,339
Yeah. Well, I guess
he has to take over for Darlene
41
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:50,576
Since satan transferred
her to Chicago.
42
00:01:54,647 --> 00:01:56,682
And that teakettle, too,
unless you got a newer one?
43
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:57,683
Jackie!
44
00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,618
Well, I gotta
furnish a house!
45
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:02,521
Well, hey, why don't you
weasel stuff out of people the classy way?
46
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:05,324
Throw yourself
a housewarming party.
47
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:06,692
I can't do that.
48
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:08,193
If I have a party,
I have to invite mom,
49
00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:09,361
And she'll come.
50
00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:12,131
Then she'll be there.
51
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,132
All right, fine.
52
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,867
I'll throw you
a surprise party,
53
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:16,368
And I won't
tell mom. Okay?
54
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:17,536
And if she
finds out about it,
55
00:02:17,537 --> 00:02:18,537
I'll take the heat.
56
00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:19,705
No, you won't
take the heat.
57
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:21,206
You'll cave in
and ask her.
58
00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:22,374
I will not.
59
00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:25,878
You have no idea
how much I will not cave.
60
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:28,714
And I know just
what to tell people to get you, too.
61
00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:30,049
A microwave.
62
00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:31,216
I don't need a microwave.
63
00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:32,885
You're the one
that needs a microwave.
64
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,887
Hey, wait a minute.
65
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,722
Isn't it just great when
all the parts of your brain
66
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,323
Start workin' together
as a team?
67
00:02:54,407 --> 00:02:56,408
George?
68
00:02:56,409 --> 00:02:57,910
Yeah, she's gone.
69
00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,678
You can come over now.
70
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,849
[theme]
71
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,135
Yeah, well, I know
a microwave's expensive,
72
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,636
But you shouldn't
be so selfish.
73
00:03:57,637 --> 00:04:00,806
You should think
about Jackie for a change.
74
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,976
Well, maybe...Maybe
she could use a...
75
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,577
A, uh, a car.
76
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,882
No, a car would be crazy.
77
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,251
A mustache comb.
78
00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:16,822
No, that's even better.
79
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:20,159
Yeah, you can
never have too many 3-D pictures of Jesus.
80
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:23,996
Bye.
81
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:27,299
This is a teakettle.
82
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,601
No, this is a teakettle.
83
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:34,340
That is a teapot.
84
00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:36,508
Oh, god!
85
00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:38,010
Here comes Fred.
86
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,946
Oh, jackie's little huggums.
87
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,081
He's not my little huggums,
88
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,849
And he's not invited
to that party.
89
00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:45,684
You know,
you ought to give Fred a chance.
90
00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:48,020
He's one of your better
sleazy one-night stands
91
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,188
That you've ever had.
92
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:51,290
You should get to
know him vertically.
93
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,695
Just let me handle it,
okay?
94
00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,864
Tell him i'm not here.
95
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,100
Hey, Roseanne,
is Jackie around?
96
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,670
Jackie, did you want me
to tell him that you're gone
97
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:06,305
Or that you just stepped out?!
98
00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:10,642
Thanks a lot, Roseanne.
99
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:14,046
Well, we both knew
I was gonna do it.
100
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,414
Hi, Jackie.
Hi, Fred.
101
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,116
This is where you leave.
102
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,717
Okay.
103
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:20,386
Well, you can't tell
with his clothes on,
104
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:22,821
But i'll believe you.
105
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:30,062
Hi.
106
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,897
Jackie, I know
you didn't want to
107
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:32,898
Talk about this
before,
108
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,066
But I just gotta
tell you.
109
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,734
I had a really nice time
the other night.
110
00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,070
Well, of course you did, Fred.
111
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,505
We had sex.
112
00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,409
Sex?
113
00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:44,410
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
114
00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:45,577
I remember now.
115
00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:46,745
That was right after dinner
116
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:48,547
And right before
I thanked you for an hour.
117
00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:50,315
Yeah. Fred,
you're very sweet--
118
00:05:50,316 --> 00:05:52,418
Did you get the flowers?
I got the flowers.
119
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:53,952
Did you get the candy?
Yeah, I got the candy.
120
00:05:53,953 --> 00:05:55,354
Did you get the 20 bucks
on the end table?
121
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,023
Fred! Stop it.
122
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,158
I'll tell you what.
123
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:00,759
I made
a dinner reservation for tonight.
124
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,594
Oh. No.
125
00:06:02,595 --> 00:06:03,762
Listen, Jackie,
126
00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:04,930
If we're gonna
have sex again,
127
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:06,198
I need to eat.
128
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:12,004
Fred, i'm just
not really ready
129
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,972
To have
a relationship now.
130
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:15,240
Then we can
be friends.
131
00:06:15,241 --> 00:06:16,675
I'm--i'm not ready
to be friends.
132
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:19,011
Then what are you
ready for?
133
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,647
Well, I was ready
for the sex, and...
134
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:22,881
Now i'm done.
135
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:33,125
Fred, I got out
of a really bad relationship,
136
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:36,562
And i'm not ready
to trust someone yet.
137
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,330
Okay, Jackie.
138
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,599
I'd like to go out
with you again.
139
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,067
I'm not gonna beg.
140
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,471
Just understand this--
141
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:48,640
Once I walk
out that door...
142
00:06:48,641 --> 00:06:50,576
You'll be able
to reach me at any time.
143
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:55,981
Oh, why can't we
invite him to the party?
144
00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:58,650
We need at least
one decent person.
145
00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:00,486
Whatever happened
to the old-fashioned guys
146
00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:02,921
Who slept with you once
and never bothered to call gain?
147
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:05,924
You've been
through 'em all.
148
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:11,030
Ah, the smell
of dead calves and onions.
149
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,698
I'm home.
Hey.
150
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:13,999
Hey, you.
151
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,734
Hey, honey, I get
the first hug.
152
00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:16,902
I'm the one
that gave up
153
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:19,104
Cigarettes
and alcohol for four months.
154
00:07:21,841 --> 00:07:23,842
Isn't that honky?
155
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,512
So, what's happeni''
with the big gal on campus?
156
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:28,147
Well, biff and todd
invited me
157
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,349
To the sigma chi dance,
but it was the same time
158
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:33,619
As the tri delt formal,
so I spent all my drink-beer bonds
159
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,621
And finally passed out
on beta gamma's lawn.
160
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,090
I slept right
through the big game.
161
00:07:39,325 --> 00:07:42,027
Oh, that takes me back.
162
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,864
What's she
doin' here?
163
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:48,033
You said David
wasn't gonna be around.
164
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,636
Oh. I thought you
meant David Cassidy.
165
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,476
I know how much
you, uh, hate him.
166
00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:00,946
Oh, so this was
your little plan.
167
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:02,081
You get us
in the same room,
168
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,515
And then we just make up
just like that,
169
00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:04,717
And everything
would be great.
170
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,285
Actually, my plan was
171
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:09,221
That you would come home
and figure out my plan
172
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,956
And then be
all mad about it.
173
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:12,191
And you fell for it.
174
00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:14,993
I'm goin'
back to school.
175
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,362
No, you're not,
'cause i'm not givin' you
176
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,163
Any bus money
till Sunday.
177
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,399
For the next two days,
we are all gonna pretend
178
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:24,169
That we are one
happy, happy family.
179
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,072
Bite it big time,
high school boy.
180
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:28,007
Shove it.
181
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:31,577
[sighs]
oh, I just love it
182
00:08:31,578 --> 00:08:33,178
When a plan
comes together.
183
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:45,257
What are you
doin' here?
184
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,493
I'm...Sick.
185
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:48,861
[coughs]
186
00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:52,865
Oh, so you're
skippin' school, huh?
187
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:56,035
Darlene, please
don't tell mom! Please!
188
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,836
Quit begging.
The last thing I want to do
189
00:08:57,837 --> 00:08:59,705
Is help her out.
But she's gonna know what's goin' on
190
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,007
The minute she waddles
through that door.
191
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,275
How come?
192
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,110
Clues, bonehead.
193
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,780
Mom monitors the chips.
194
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:10,983
No. See, I put these
back in the cabinet,
195
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,851
And before
she finds 'em, I say,
196
00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:14,453
"who ate all the chips?"
197
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,289
And then
mom thinks dad did, and dad thinks mom did,
198
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:20,492
And then they get
into a big fight.
199
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,961
Good one, Deej.
Have you written a note yet?
200
00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:23,829
Yep.
201
00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:27,333
Nice crumpling.
202
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:28,567
Detracts
from the handwriting,
203
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,069
Yet leaves the note
legible.
204
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:35,307
D.J.,
this signature is pathetic.
205
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,009
What's wrong with it?
206
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:38,844
Well, moms usually
sign their name
207
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,579
Without erasing
a bunch of times.
208
00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:44,516
Look.
209
00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:47,920
Here's how mom
signs her name.
210
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,856
Now, take this upstairs
211
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,591
And practice
for a couple hours.
212
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,526
A couple of hours?
213
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,762
I might as well
be in school!
214
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,331
Well, yeah, but
unlike what you learn in sixth grade,
215
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:02,267
Forgery's
a skill you can use the rest of your life.
216
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:07,072
Hey, Darlene, how come
you're being so nice to me?
217
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:09,675
Ah, you're wise
to be suspicious.
218
00:10:09,676 --> 00:10:11,677
But you see,
the enemy of my enemy
219
00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:13,278
Is my friend,
grasshopper.
220
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,521
Hey.
Hey. What's for dinner?
221
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,957
Well, because
it's darlene's first night back,
222
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:27,292
I'm making
vegetarian lasagna.
223
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:29,962
Don't worry.
I used meat.
224
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:30,963
Ah.
225
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,366
Now, don't hold that
too close to your crotch.
226
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,535
We're tryin'
to have a baby.
227
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:38,370
What happened
to the chips?
228
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:39,738
Dan, did you
eat the chips?
229
00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:40,906
I didn't eat
the chips.
230
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:42,975
Well, I
didn't eat 'em.
231
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,645
This is the exact
same chip fight we had yesterday.
232
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,480
Yeah, 'cause
you called me a hog.
233
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,782
Well, then you
called me a cow.
234
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,318
And didn't D.J.
start the whole thing?
235
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,156
I ate the chips.
236
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,526
Oh, well, that's
just great, Darlene.
237
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,328
Now we're not gonna
have a crunchy crust on the lasagna.
238
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,499
Well, whoever ate the chips
has to set the table.
239
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:11,704
Hey, Darlene,
need some help?
240
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,339
D.J., don't
tease your sister.
241
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,942
Yeah, Deej. You wanna
grab the silverware? Okay.
242
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:20,746
Dan.
243
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:21,747
Dan, come quick.
244
00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:22,881
What?
245
00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:24,350
Something's wrong
with the children.
246
00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:28,487
Hey, D.J., forks
go on the left.
247
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:29,722
The way I remember is
248
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,825
That "fork" and "left"
both have four letters.
249
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,360
Cool.
250
00:11:38,898 --> 00:11:42,101
Hey, Darlene,
I just thought of another one.
251
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:45,270
"knife" and "right"
both have five letters.
252
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:46,705
Good one, Deej.
253
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:51,877
[quavering]
oh, i'm a-scared, Rosie, i'm a-scared.
254
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:05,124
[telephone rings]
255
00:12:06,192 --> 00:12:07,092
Hello?
256
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:11,630
Uh...Mrs. Conner
doesn't live here.
257
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:14,733
You need to call...
Next-door!
258
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,470
Darlene!
259
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:19,605
What?
260
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,540
That was my school.
I think they know.
261
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,575
Well, how many days
did you miss last week?
262
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:24,443
Five.
263
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,379
Brilliant, d.J.
Don't you know
264
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,314
If you miss a whole week,
they always check?
265
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,283
I didn't know!
What am I gonna do?!
266
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:33,352
He shouldn't be
skippin' school, Darlene.
267
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,254
If your mother
asks me, i'm not gonna lie to her.
268
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,355
Fine. Be a wimp.
269
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,390
No, Darlene.
The whole time I was with you,
270
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,259
I was a wimp.
Now i'm strong.
271
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,564
It's too bad you picked
such a stupid thing to be strong about.
272
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:47,666
You're just mad 'cause
you can't control me anymore.
273
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:50,102
I don't know why I ever
even bothered to control you.
274
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,337
Well, if you think
that i'm gonna-- [telephone rings]
275
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:52,371
Aaahh!
276
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,175
[ring]
277
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,344
Way to keep
your cool, Deej.
278
00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:00,746
Hello. Yeah, this
is Mrs. Conner.
279
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,116
Yeah, D.J.'s
been real sick.
280
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,984
It's--it's some sort
of stomach bug.
281
00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:07,386
We've all got it.
282
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:09,588
Well, I--I feel
283
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,123
Like I gotta
throw up right now.
284
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:15,461
No, it's all right.
It's a cordless. You can come along.
285
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:22,835
See?
286
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:25,838
Yeah! Sucker!
287
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,642
Careful, Deej.
He's strong now.
288
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:39,852
I don't like deliverin'
in this part of town.
289
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:41,787
There's some scary types
down there.
290
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:42,988
Yeah, well, if you see
D.J. down there,
291
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:45,457
Tell him
to be home by 6.
292
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,793
You figure out
what he's up to yet?
293
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:48,927
No, not yet.
294
00:13:48,928 --> 00:13:50,696
This one is gonna
take some thought.
295
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:54,299
You know, he's workin'
with a professional this time.
296
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,001
Darlene's just gettin' back
297
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:59,071
At your pathetic plan
to get her and David together again.
298
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,739
Pathetic?
299
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,941
I'll tell you
what's pathetic:
300
00:14:02,942 --> 00:14:05,577
A 37-year-old
delivery girl.
301
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:09,748
Fine! Then
you take it!
302
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:11,817
Fine! I will!
And then you can wait on Fred.
303
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:12,851
Here he comes.
304
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:17,189
Send him after me,
and I swear i'll hit him with a bag of buns!
305
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:19,892
Hey.
306
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:21,527
Hey, Fred.
[door closes]
307
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,929
Roseanne.
308
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,831
I heard jackie's havi''
a housewarming party.
309
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,633
I really need you
to get me invited.
310
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:31,403
Well, I don't know, Fred.
It's really not my, uh, style
311
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:34,606
To interfere
in other people's lives.
312
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:35,874
Come on, Roseanne.
313
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,076
I need you
on my side here.
314
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:39,078
I'd be so grateful
if you could help me out.
315
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:42,247
Grateful...Enough to...
316
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:45,217
Buy Jackie a really nice gift?
317
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:48,120
What do you mean?
Like...Jewelry?
318
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,289
Yeah, yeah. Like,
you know, jewelry.
319
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,224
Or a microwave.
320
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,627
A microwave.
321
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,497
I guess you don't know
beans about women, huh, Fred?
322
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,933
Um...See, uh,
323
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,801
This early
in the relationship,
324
00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:04,336
Jewelry would kinda say,
325
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:07,973
"here I am. I plan
to smother you."
326
00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:10,809
Whereas a microwave
kinda goes like,
327
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:13,412
"I like you.
Let's have some popcorn."
328
00:15:15,982 --> 00:15:17,182
It seems to me
the last time
329
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:18,250
I was over
at your house,
330
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,853
Dan was working
on your microwave.
331
00:15:20,854 --> 00:15:22,755
Yeah. What are the odds?
332
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:25,290
So, what kind
of a microwave
333
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,759
Did you have
in mind...
334
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:27,793
For Jackie?
335
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,762
Well, she's
a single gal,
336
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,264
So...She'll need
a big one.
337
00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:37,269
Got it.
338
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,872
Hey, Fred...
How would you like
339
00:15:39,873 --> 00:15:41,974
To come to jackie's
housewarming party?
340
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,877
Why, Roseanne...
I'd love to.
341
00:15:44,878 --> 00:15:46,945
Well, it's been
a pleasure
342
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,014
Doing business
with you, Fred.
343
00:15:49,015 --> 00:15:50,282
You know what?
If you hurry,
344
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,718
You might...Catch
Jackie out back.
345
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,687
Really? Thanks.
346
00:15:54,688 --> 00:15:56,121
Watch out for buns.
347
00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:00,125
Hello, Roseanne. I hope
i'm not botherin' you.
348
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,795
I know how busy
you can get plannin' a party.
349
00:16:08,702 --> 00:16:10,436
What party?
350
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,771
Oh, why, mom,
certainly you haven't forgotten
351
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,740
The happy, happy
family surprise party
352
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,942
We're throwin' for
jackie's housewarming.
353
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:18,977
I suppose I know
why I wasn't invited.
354
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,280
I already gave my gift--
355
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,314
The house.
356
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:27,052
Well, um, mom, see...
357
00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:29,688
Okay. All right,
i'll tell ya.
358
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:32,591
It's not just
a housewarming party for Jackie.
359
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,526
It was also
going to be
360
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:37,062
A surprise
thank-you party for you
361
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,932
For lending Jackie
the down payment money.
362
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:41,033
It is?!
363
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,736
Yes, but Darlene
wrecked the surprise
364
00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:46,338
And nearly
ruined our happy, happy family.
365
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:51,076
Oh, Roseanne,
i'm sorry,
366
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:53,679
But I don't want
a big party.
367
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,913
Well...
It's too late.
368
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,215
But i'll
be embarrassed
369
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:58,617
If everyone
buys me a present.
370
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,586
Well, I can take care of that.
371
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:04,490
This is so touching!
I don't know what to say!
372
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,793
Well, see you Sunday.
373
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,100
So.
374
00:17:15,101 --> 00:17:16,869
I guess now
the score is even.
375
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,737
Things can get
back to normal.
376
00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:21,140
Now you can rat out
your little brother.
377
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:24,877
Come on, D.J.,
let's go to the movies. My treat.
378
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,379
D.J.
379
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:32,451
Here's the deal.
380
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:35,454
You tell me
what rotten thing you're up to...
381
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:37,956
And I will
punish Darlene
382
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:40,893
And buy you
ice cream.
383
00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:42,327
Don't look
at Darlene!
384
00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:49,568
I haven't been
up to anything.
385
00:17:50,804 --> 00:17:52,304
After you, Deej.
386
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:53,405
Thanks, sis.
387
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,077
Damn.
388
00:18:09,823 --> 00:18:11,423
Well, well, well.
389
00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:14,326
D.J.
390
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,028
Look what I found
in the garbage.
391
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,697
So?
392
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:20,332
I told you
I didn't like it.
393
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,700
I bought my lunch.
394
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,403
Yeah? Well, I saw you
leave home with it.
395
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:26,839
So I came back
and threw it away.
396
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,575
I didn't want
anybody to see me with that stupid bag.
397
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:31,110
Good one.
398
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:33,946
It's the truth.
399
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:36,248
You know, you think
that darlene's helpin' you out,
400
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:38,984
But she really isn't.
She tellin' me everything.
401
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:42,621
This whole thing
is just a big plan that we worked out
402
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,756
To set you up.
403
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:44,890
No, it isn't.
404
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,592
How can you be sure?
405
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:48,861
'cause Darlene told me
you'd say that.
406
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,536
[door closes]
407
00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:58,637
Damn.
408
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,910
David, you're
not a blood relative.
409
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:09,915
I think you may have
an honest gene left in your body.
410
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:11,250
What's goin' on with d.J.?
411
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:13,152
I don't know anything,
Mrs. Conner.
412
00:19:15,055 --> 00:19:16,055
[sighs]
413
00:19:16,056 --> 00:19:17,790
Very impressive,
Darlene.
414
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:20,826
Very impressive.
415
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:27,566
I saw
what just happened. Thanks.
416
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,835
Well, I didn't do it
'cause you wanted me to.
417
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:31,737
I did it 'cause
i'm mad at your mother.
418
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:34,840
Besides, lying just seemed
like the right thing to do.
419
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:38,677
Yeah, it usually is.
420
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,313
Watch out, Darlene.
421
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,115
You said somethin' to me
without an insult.
422
00:19:43,116 --> 00:19:44,116
Yeah. I'm tired.
423
00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:47,686
You know, i'm not
seeing anybody.
424
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:50,522
Are you?
425
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:52,524
Nah.
426
00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:58,197
Although I am sleeping
with several people.
427
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:00,833
You are?
428
00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:03,736
Yeah. Mostly professors,
mostly for grades.
429
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,138
[chuckles]
430
00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:08,540
I miss you,
Darlene.
431
00:20:09,943 --> 00:20:10,876
Good.
432
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,948
Are we making up?
433
00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,549
I hope so.
434
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,518
Okay, but
just don't tell mom.
435
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:22,388
I don't want her to think
her little plan worked.
436
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,423
You're not askin' me
to lie again, are you
437
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:27,059
No. I'm tellin'
you to.
438
00:20:28,962 --> 00:20:30,562
We're back.
Yeah.
439
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,472
[telephone rings]
440
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:43,676
Hello?
441
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,311
Just a minute.
442
00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:47,746
Oh, mom!
443
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:54,253
Thanks, son. How's
mom's lunch comin'?
444
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:56,822
Hello.
445
00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:58,424
Yes, this
is Mrs. Conner.
446
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,026
No. He hasn't been
able to make it.
447
00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:02,461
He's been very sick.
448
00:21:10,170 --> 00:21:12,738
Don't mess
with the master, Darlene.
449
00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:23,716
You guys are
in so much trouble.
450
00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:26,618
I'm going to make you wish
I was never born.
451
00:21:28,021 --> 00:21:29,421
Oh, and by the way,
I know
452
00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:31,223
That you and David
made up, too.
453
00:21:31,224 --> 00:21:33,392
How'd you find out?
454
00:21:33,393 --> 00:21:35,260
You just told me.
455
00:21:45,105 --> 00:21:47,239
D.J., come on.
I'm walkin' you to school today.
456
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:50,976
Oh, no. You're not
goin' in that, are you?
457
00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:53,045
Oh, no, D.J.
458
00:21:53,046 --> 00:21:54,646
I wouldn't do
that to you.
459
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:56,215
But...
460
00:21:56,216 --> 00:21:58,217
I would do...
461
00:21:58,218 --> 00:21:59,151
This.
462
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,729
And, look. I found
your old sesame street lunchbox,
463
00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:11,997
So you won't have to
be embarrassed
464
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:14,299
With those big brown
bags anymore.
465
00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:17,903
Oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, my. Just a minute.
466
00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:19,738
Wait one minute
here.
467
00:22:19,739 --> 00:22:22,675
This is for when
I kiss you good-bye.
468
00:22:36,423 --> 00:22:38,190
Okay, come on.
We need to hurry
469
00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:41,960
'cause i've gotta
make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister.
470
00:22:41,961 --> 00:22:44,863
I want to get there
in time for one of her big classes.
471
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:47,032
I'm going
to dance for them.
472
00:22:47,082 --> 00:22:51,632
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