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1
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,579
THIS IS NUTS.
2
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,094
MORE COFFEE, HONEY?
3
00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:39,131
HEY, TAKE MY WORD
FOR IT.
4
00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:42,135
BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT,
THE TAXES WILL BE FILED
5
00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:43,636
AND ALL THIS
WILL BE BEHIND US--
6
00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:48,140
THE TENSION,
THE ANXIETY, THE FRAUD.
7
00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:50,643
A STUPID SYSTEM
RUN BY STUPID PEOPLE,
8
00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:52,144
THOUGHT UP
BY STUPID PEOPLE,
9
00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:53,513
HIRED BY STUPID PEOPLE.
10
00:01:53,513 --> 00:01:56,582
WHO WERE ELECTED
BY EVEN STUPIDER PEOPLE.
11
00:01:56,583 --> 00:01:57,584
WHY CAN'T EVERYBODY
12
00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,085
JUST PAY A FLAT
PERCENTAGE, YOU KNOW?
13
00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:01,454
YOU KNOW,
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
14
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,456
MAYBE THIS YEAR
INSTEAD OF FILING,
15
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:06,459
YOU OUGHT TO GO
CHANGE THE TAX LAWS.
16
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:07,460
IT MAKES MORE SENSE
THAN THIS.
17
00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:08,461
THIS STUFF'S
SO COMPLICATED,
18
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,795
NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
19
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,364
WELL, MAYBE
WE COULD HAVE FOUND
20
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:12,865
SOMEBODY TO
EXPLAIN IT TO US
21
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,834
IF YOU DIDN'T WAIT
TILL THE LAST MINUTE.
22
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:17,870
DON'T. DON'T. DON'T START
LAYING THIS OFF ON ME.
23
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,305
I'M NOT SAYING NOTHING.
24
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,373
'COURSE IT IS ON YOU
BECAUSE YOU DID
25
00:02:21,374 --> 00:02:22,875
GO AND WAIT
TILL THE LAST MINUTE.
26
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,678
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANTED TO
GET THE TAXES DONE EARLIER,
27
00:02:25,678 --> 00:02:27,946
YOU COULD'VE STARTED GETTING
STUFF TOGETHER YOURSELF.
28
00:02:27,947 --> 00:02:30,015
WELL, I'M SO GLAD THAT
YOU BROUGHT THAT UP,
29
00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:33,019
HONEY, BECAUSE I DID.
30
00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:36,522
I GOT ALL MY W-2s
AND ALL MY RECEIPTS.
31
00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:38,691
THEY'RE ALL ADDED UP,
32
00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:40,192
CATALOGUED, PUT TOGETHER,
33
00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:42,695
AND READY TO GO.
34
00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:44,830
NO KIDDING?
35
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,899
YOU'RE ALL DONE?
36
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:57,510
NO. I JUST WANTED TO SEE
THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE.
37
00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:01,514
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I'D TRY
TO KEEP IT LIGHT, YOU KNOW.
38
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:04,016
SO THIS IS HOW YOU'RE
TRYING TO BE HELPFUL,
39
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,318
BY TELLING JOKES?
40
00:03:05,318 --> 00:03:07,887
NO. JUST TILL MIDNIGHT.
41
00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:10,389
I WILL TELL ONE
SHOW-STOPPER AT 11:59,
42
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,361
YOU OUGHT TO
SIT DOWN HERE
43
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,363
AND TRY TO FIGURE
THESE TAXES OUT.
44
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:20,866
WHY, NO PROBLEM.
45
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:21,868
YOU WANT TO DO
THE TAXES?
46
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:22,869
YOU WANT ME TO?
47
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:23,870
OH, DO THE TAXES.
48
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:24,871
I'D BE HAPPY TO.
49
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,372
PLEASE DO THE TAXES.
50
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:29,875
WHY, ALLOW ME.
51
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,377
OK.
52
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,385
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
ROSEANNE?
53
00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:40,386
NOTHING.
54
00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:44,890
SO, WHAT?
55
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,760
YOU'RE...
YOU'RE AT LINE 12.
56
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,328
BUSINESS INCOME.
57
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:51,831
WE JUST TELL THEM
58
00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:53,666
IT'S NONE
OF THEIR BUSINESS.
59
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:59,305
YOU KNOW, THIS IS
REALLY ONE TIME
60
00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:00,806
WHERE I THINK
BEING A WOMAN
61
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,308
IS REALLY GOING TO COME
IN HANDY, YOU KNOW,
62
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:04,310
BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW, US WOMEN
63
00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:06,812
READ AND
COMPREHEND INSTRUCTIONS
64
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:10,316
SO MUCH BETTER THAN
YOU MEN, AS YOU KNOW.
65
00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:12,885
SO THAT IS WHAT
66
00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:14,386
I WILL BE DOING
RIGHT NOW, HUH?
67
00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:16,389
I WILL BE
LOOKING AND READING
68
00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:19,892
THE INSTRUCTIONS
FOR LINE 12.
69
00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:30,903
OK.
70
00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,407
LINE 10, LINE 11,
71
00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:37,910
LINE 13 AND 14.
72
00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:40,412
THERE IS
NO LINE 12.
73
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:43,916
WHY ISN'T THERE
ANY LINE 12?
74
00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:47,419
I'LL CHECK THE
BACK FOR LINE 12.
75
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,922
C. AH, SCHEDULE C.
76
00:04:49,922 --> 00:04:52,424
AHA. NOW WE'RE
IN THE MONEY.
77
00:04:52,425 --> 00:04:55,428
SCHEDULE C, E, F, E.
78
00:04:56,429 --> 00:04:57,930
E...
79
00:04:57,930 --> 00:04:59,431
SCHEDULE C.
80
00:04:59,432 --> 00:05:01,700
SEE? SCHEDULE C.
81
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:02,768
SEE THIS.
82
00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:05,271
15 HOURS AND COUNTING,
EINSTEIN.
83
00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:06,572
OK.
84
00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:09,641
"IF LINE 67
IS $500 OR MORE
85
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,143
"AND MORE THAN
10% OF THE TAX
86
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,645
"SHOWN ON YOUR RETURN
OR YOU UNDERPAID
87
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:15,280
"YOUR 1989 ESTIMATED
TAX LIABILITY
88
00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:18,350
FOR ANY PAYMENT PERIOD,
YOU MAY OWE A PENALTY."
89
00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,353
RIGHT.
90
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,355
SO, OK, I GIVE UP.
91
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:25,224
WHAT LANGUAGE IS THIS?
92
00:05:25,224 --> 00:05:28,293
FIDUCIARY ESPERANTO.
93
00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:29,928
WELL, THEY COULDN'T GO
PUT SOMETHING IN HERE
94
00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:31,931
THAT LIKE NOBODY ON
EARTH COULD UNDERSTAND.
95
00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:32,932
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.
96
00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:36,435
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.
OK. OK.
97
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:39,439
"IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR
MORE AND MORE THAN--"
98
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,340
OH. OH, OH.
99
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:45,278
"IF LINE 67
IS $500 OR MORE..."
100
00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:51,684
"AND MORE THAN
10% OF THE TAX..."
101
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:54,687
OH, THEN--THEN...
102
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,689
THEN YOUR HUSBAND
MUST, BY LAW,
103
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,190
COMPLETE THE TAXES.
104
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,669
HEY, BECKY,
HOW MUCH MONEY
105
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,437
DO YOU THINK MOM AND
DAD MADE LAST YEAR?
106
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:13,505
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I ONCE HEARD MOM
107
00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:16,008
SAYING TO AUNT JACKIE THAT
THIS HOUSE COST THEM 30,000,
108
00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:18,076
AND THEY BOUGHT IT
THIS HOUSE YEARS AGO,
109
00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:19,645
SO IF THEY COULD AFFORD
TO SPEND THAT MUCH THEN,
110
00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:22,280
THEY'RE PROBABLY MAKING
THREE TIMES THAT MUCH NOW.
111
00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:24,850
$90,000?
112
00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:26,319
OH, MY GOD!
113
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,387
WAY OFF.
114
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:33,893
WAY, WAY OFF.
115
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,896
SO HOW MUCH
DID YOU MAKE?
116
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,665
WAY OFF.
117
00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:41,233
MOM, HOW MUCH MONEY DID
YOU GUYS MAKE LAST YEAR?
118
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,735
DAD DOESN'T WANT TO
TELL US.
119
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,236
THAT'S 'CAUSE
HE DON'T KNOW.
120
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,739
BESIDES, IT'S NOT POLITE
TO GO ASKING PEOPLE
121
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,440
HOW MUCH MONEY THEY MAKE.
122
00:06:48,441 --> 00:06:50,142
EVEN IF IT'S
YOUR OWN PARENTS?
123
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:53,079
ESPECIALLY IF
IT'S YOUR OWN PARENTS.
124
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,146
I MEAN, JUST GENERALLY,
125
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,481
HOW MUCH DOES SOMEONE
WITH A JOB MAKE?
126
00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:57,182
IT DEPENDS ON THE JOB.
127
00:06:57,183 --> 00:06:59,752
SAY SHE WORKED
SHAMPOOING HEADS
128
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:01,186
AND GOSSIPING ALL DAY.
129
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,756
WELL, THEN, SHE WOULD
PROBABLY BE PAID
130
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,257
VERY, VERY WELL,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
131
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,760
MOSTLY IN THE FORM
OF CASH TIPS,
132
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,261
WHICH SHE WOULD
OF COURSE POCKET
133
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,497
AND THEN NOT TELL
ANYONE ABOUT,
134
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:12,564
INCLUDING HER HUSBAND
135
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:15,034
AND THREE
WONDERFUL CHILDREN.
136
00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:17,770
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE
NOT GONNA TELL US EITHER.
137
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:19,838
NOW, LOOK, YOUR DAD AND I
MADE ENOUGH MONEY LAST YEAR
138
00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:22,842
TO LIVE VERY, VERY WELL...
139
00:07:22,842 --> 00:07:24,343
FOR SIX MONTHS.
140
00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:26,845
AND THEN WE JUGGLED.
141
00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:30,449
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU JUGGLED?
142
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,518
OK, YOU KNOW
HOW WHEN YOU BORROW
143
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,019
A QUARTER FROM BECKY
144
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,022
AND YOU CAN'T
PAY HER BACK,
145
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,023
SO THEN YOU COME BORROW
A DOLLAR FROM ME,
146
00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:39,025
AND THEN I GO
AND DEDUCT IT
147
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:40,826
FROM YOUR NEXT WEEK'S
ALLOWANCE?
148
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:41,894
YEAH, AND THEN NEXT WEEK
149
00:07:41,894 --> 00:07:42,895
WHEN MY ALLOWANCE IS
ONLY $4.00,
150
00:07:42,895 --> 00:07:44,496
I CAN'T GET
INTO THE MOVIES.
151
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,565
RIGHT. SO THEN YOU JUST
GO IN AND SWIPE A BUCK
152
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:47,567
OUT OF MY PURSE,
YOU KNOW,
153
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:48,834
LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.
154
00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:52,705
YOU MEAN,
YOU GUYS STEAL MONEY?
155
00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:55,207
NO, NO. WE DON'T NEED
TO STEAL MONEY.
156
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:57,176
WE HAVE CREDIT.
GO TO SCHOOL.
157
00:07:57,176 --> 00:07:59,578
YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE'RE PAYING TAXES FOR?
158
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,380
DO YOU GUYS CHEAT
ON YOUR INCOME TAX?
159
00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:02,948
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
160
00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:13,058
SIS!
161
00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,060
HEY.
162
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:15,061
HI.
163
00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:16,062
OH.
164
00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:19,065
IS HE TEARING
THE HOUSE APART YET?
165
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,067
NOT YET,
BUT IT'S EARLY.
166
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,069
HAS HE STARTED IN
ON HIS SPEECH
167
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:25,071
ABOUT MOVING TO AN ISLAND
IN THE PACIFIC
168
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,739
AND NEVER
PAYING TAXES AGAIN?
169
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:27,906
NOT YET.
170
00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:29,475
WELL, SO FAR SO GOOD.
171
00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:30,476
SO FAR.
172
00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:31,977
EXCEPT FOR THE YAKKING.
173
00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:34,981
I HAVE BEEN
DREADING THIS FOR WEEKS.
174
00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,249
YOU KNOW HOW CRUMMY
MY MATH IS.
175
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,818
WELL, NO SWEAT.
176
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:41,220
D.J. WILL BE HOME
BY 3:00.
177
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,288
VERY FUNNY, ROSEANNE.
178
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,624
I THINK I CAN MANAGE
TO DO MY OWN TAXES
179
00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:51,130
DESPITE WHAT
CERTAIN MEN MIGHT THINK.
180
00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:52,631
HEY, YOU JUST
SAID YOURSELF
181
00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:54,133
THAT YOU'RE
NO GOOD AT MATH.
182
00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:56,635
I KNOW. I'M SELF-CONSCIOUS
AS IT IS ABOUT MY MATH.
183
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,638
I DON'T NEED TO BE HEARING
ABOUT IT FROM MY BOYFRIEND.
184
00:08:58,638 --> 00:09:01,140
HE TELLS ME
THAT HE LOVES ME
185
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:03,142
AND THEN HE
CRITICIZES MY MATH.
186
00:09:03,142 --> 00:09:05,144
HE SAID MAYBE HE SHOULD
LOOK OVER MY FORM,
187
00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:07,045
YOU KNOW,
LIKE I CAN'T HANDLE IT.
188
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,714
DO YOU MIND?
189
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:11,450
COME ON, SIS. LET'S GO
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
190
00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:13,885
HE'S TAKEN OVER
THE MAIN BALLROOM HERE.
191
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,354
THE ADDING MACHINE STAYS.
192
00:09:15,354 --> 00:09:16,855
JUST THESE TWO NUMBERS
TOGETHER.
193
00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:24,363
LOOK, WHAT'S 14,173.80
PLUS 1,319.16...ROUGHLY?
194
00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:25,364
THANKS. GREAT.
195
00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:26,365
WHAT?
196
00:09:26,365 --> 00:09:28,367
YOU JUST MESSED ME
ALL UP HERE.
197
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:31,370
WELL, SORRY. BUT JUST
REAL QUICK. 14,173--OK.
198
00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:32,371
DO IT.
199
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:33,372
DO IT!
200
00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:34,373
OK.
201
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:45,384
OH, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
202
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:46,885
OH, LET ME.
203
00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:50,889
HERE.
THIS ON THE TOP--
204
00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:54,393
14,173.80
205
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:55,894
PLUS THE 1,3...
206
00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:00,299
THANKS, DAN.
207
00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:01,366
GOOD.
208
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:03,869
YEAH, NOW, SEE, THAT'S
CLOSER TO THE TOTAL.
209
00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,407
OK, OK, OK.
210
00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:09,908
WHAT'S GOING ON
BETWEEN YOU AND GARY?
211
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:11,911
OH...
212
00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:13,913
NOTHING.
213
00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:15,848
OH, YES, THERE IS AND
YOU'RE DYING TO TELL ME.
214
00:10:15,848 --> 00:10:17,416
NOTHING'S GOING ON.
215
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:18,750
SPILL IT.
216
00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:19,818
HE THINKS HE'S SO SMART
217
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:20,820
AND I CAN'T
HANDLE ANYTHING
218
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:23,155
THAT REQUIRES
A LITTLE SIMPLE MATH.
219
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:25,490
WELL, I TOLD YOU
NOT TO DO ANY MATH
220
00:10:25,491 --> 00:10:29,261
IN FRONT OF HIM TILL
AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED.
221
00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:30,328
ROSEANNE?
WELL, GARY SAID
222
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,330
HE DIDN'T MEAN IT
LIKE THAT,
223
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:33,332
AND I KNOW EXACTLY THE WAY
HE MEANT IT, ROSEANNE.
224
00:10:33,332 --> 00:10:34,333
A WOMAN CAN TELL THAT.
225
00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:36,335
HE HATES MY MATH.
226
00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:37,836
ROSEANNE!
227
00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:39,205
WHAT?
228
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:42,608
I NEED YOUR 1099 FOR THAT
MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION JOB.
229
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:43,675
I DIDN'T GET ONE.
230
00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:44,677
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU DIDN'T GET ONE?
231
00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:46,679
I MEAN
I DID NOT GET ONE
232
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,180
AS OPPOSED TO
I DID GET ONE.
233
00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:49,681
YOU KNOW, THEREFORE,
I DO NOT HAVE ONE
234
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:52,685
AS OPPOSED TO I HAVE ONE.
235
00:10:52,685 --> 00:10:54,186
YOU DIDN'T
GET A 1099?
236
00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:56,888
SEE, NOW THERE'S SOME
COMMUNICATION HAPPENING.
237
00:10:56,889 --> 00:10:57,956
ROSEANNE.
238
00:10:57,957 --> 00:10:59,458
NO, I DIDN'T
GET A 1099, HONEY,
239
00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:00,459
BUT I DIDN'T NEED ONE
240
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,961
BECAUSE YOU GOT TO MAKE
SOMETHING LIKE 600 BUCKS
241
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:04,463
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
TO EVEN GET ONE, YOU KNOW.
242
00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:06,298
THAT'S THE RULE.
SAYS WHO?
243
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:08,867
SAYS GOD.
I DON'T KNOW.
244
00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:10,870
IT'S JUST THE RULE.
245
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:11,871
YOU KNOW THIS
FOR A FACT?
246
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:12,872
YEAH.
247
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:14,373
YOU ASKED SOMEONE?
YES.
248
00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:15,374
WHO?
249
00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:16,875
JACKIE.
250
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:20,513
JACKIE'S WRONG.
251
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,315
EVERYBODY GETS
A 1099.
252
00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:25,917
D.J. DIDN'T GET ONE,
SO NOT EVERYBODY.
253
00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:27,185
OH, COME ON, ROSEANNE.
THIS ISN'T A JOKE.
254
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,454
I NEED THAT 1099
OR WE'RE DEAD.
255
00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:30,989
I DIDN'T GET
ANY KIND OF 1099
256
00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:33,559
'CAUSE I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO GET ANY KIND OF 1099,
257
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,061
BUT HERE'S WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU.
258
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:38,564
I'M CALLING UP
THE IRS RIGHT NOW
259
00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:39,565
AND I'M GOING TO
ASK THEM
260
00:11:39,565 --> 00:11:41,066
JUST TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY,
POSITIVELY SURE
261
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:43,335
THAT I DON'T NEED
NO 1099.
262
00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:46,104
OH, ROSEANNE, GET REAL.
IT'S TAX DAY.
263
00:11:46,105 --> 00:11:47,906
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET
THROUGH TO THE IRS.
264
00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:48,707
IT'S BUSY.
265
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,209
GREAT. WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO?
266
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:51,710
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
267
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,212
JUST GO AHEAD AND DO
EVERYTHING ELSE, YOU KNOW,
268
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:56,215
AND THEN WE'LL WORRY ABOUT
THE 1099 THING LATER.
269
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,217
WHAT LATER?
270
00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,718
LATER WHEN?
271
00:12:02,021 --> 00:12:06,025
OK, OK, YEAH, WE ARE
KIND OF ALL OUT OF LATER.
272
00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:11,030
BUT...I MEAN,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL, OK?
273
00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:13,532
THEY DIDN'T MAIL ME
ANY KIND OF 1099,
274
00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:15,534
SO HOW CAN WE DECLARE
THE INCOME?
275
00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:21,440
IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.
276
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:23,843
I'M DONE.
277
00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,344
HEY.
278
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:26,345
HEY.
279
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:29,348
YOU'RE MESSING
WITH THE FEDS.
280
00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:32,351
HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO TOLD ME
281
00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:34,853
WHEN WE WAS IN THE CAR
COMING BACK FROM SHOPPING--
282
00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:37,356
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAYS
I SHOULDN'T GET ONE.
283
00:12:37,356 --> 00:12:40,859
OH, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE TALKING ABOUT A WIG.
284
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:41,861
A WIG?
285
00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:42,862
YOU ARE REALLY,
286
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:44,363
REALLY GETTING ON MY
NERVES TODAY, MAN!
287
00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:46,365
I MEAN,
MORE THAN USUAL.
288
00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:49,368
OK. WHAT IF SHE IS
SUPPOSED TO GET A 1099
289
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,370
AND IT GOT
LOST IN THE MAIL?
290
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:53,372
AND THEN THE IRS IS GOING
TO CHECK HER ON IT,
291
00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:56,375
AND YOU GUYS ARE
GONNA HAVE TO HAVE AN AUDIT.
292
00:12:56,375 --> 00:13:00,379
[MELODRAMATIC
MUSIC PLAYS]
293
00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:01,880
AND THEY DON'T GO BACK
FOR ONE YEAR, YOU KNOW.
294
00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:04,884
THEY CAN GO BACK LIKE
SIX YEARS TO AUDIT.
295
00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:08,888
[MELODRAMATIC
MUSIC PLAYS]
296
00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:10,890
AND IF YOU CAN'T
DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE,
297
00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:13,392
SOLITARY DEDUCTION
FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS,
298
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:14,893
YOU GOT TO PAY.
299
00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:16,395
AND NOT ONLY
THE ADJUSTED TAX,
300
00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:17,896
BUT THE PENALTIES
AND THE INTEREST.
301
00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:19,899
AND IN ORDER TO MAKE
SURE THAT YOU PAY,
302
00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:21,400
THEY CAN FREEZE
YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
303
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,901
THEY CAN GARNISH
YOUR WAGES.
304
00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:25,571
THEY CAN AUCTION OFF
YOUR FURNITURE.
305
00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:28,140
THEY AUCTION OUR FURNITURE?
306
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:30,809
LET'S NOT FILE, FOR SURE.
307
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:31,877
COME ON, ROSEANNE.
308
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:34,379
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
ABOUT THIS 1099?
309
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,381
I AIN'T IN NO MOOD
FOR AN AUDIT.
310
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:39,885
[MELODRAMATIC
MUSIC PLAYS]
311
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:44,389
I THINK WE SHOULD
GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE.
312
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:47,459
JUST GO DOWN TO THE IRS
AND ASK THEM IN PERSON.
313
00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:48,526
NO, NO, I CAN'T.
NO WAY. NO WAY.
314
00:13:48,527 --> 00:13:49,528
I CAN'T GO DOWN
TO THAT BUILDING.
315
00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:50,529
IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
316
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:52,030
I JUST KNOW
I'M GONNA TAKE
317
00:13:52,031 --> 00:13:54,033
ONE OF THOSE SNOTTY
LITTLE IRS GUYS
318
00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:56,235
AND THROW HIM
THROUGH A WINDOW.
319
00:13:56,235 --> 00:13:57,803
WELL, THAT WOULD
NOT BE SMART, HONEY,
320
00:13:57,803 --> 00:14:00,305
BECAUSE THEN WE WOULD
DEFINITELY GET AN AUDIT.
321
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:12,217
[MELODRAMATIC
MUSIC PLAYS]
322
00:14:14,086 --> 00:14:16,154
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
323
00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:19,157
CAN I HELP YOU?
324
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:20,659
I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT,
WON'T WE?
325
00:14:20,659 --> 00:14:21,660
DO YOU WANT TO
GO AHEAD
326
00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:22,661
AND GET
THE PHONE FIRST?
327
00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:24,162
[RING]
328
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:33,172
I GUESS I'M NOT
A PHONE PERSON EITHER.
329
00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:34,673
YEAH, IF PEOPLE
WANT TO TALK TO YOU,
330
00:14:34,673 --> 00:14:36,174
THEY BETTER
COME DOWN HERE
331
00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:37,676
AND STAND IN LINE
ALL DAY, HUH?
332
00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:38,677
HONEY, HONEY,
333
00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:39,878
THE GENTLEMAN'S
WAITING TO HELP US.
334
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,248
ALIEN TAX CLEARANCE?
335
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,053
NO. 1099.
336
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:49,054
COUNTER FOUR.
337
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,121
NEXT, PLEASE.
JUST STEP ASIDE.
338
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:51,490
LET'S KEEP
THE LINE MOVING.
339
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:53,058
MISTER, THAT'S
A REAL LONG LINE,
340
00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:54,059
AND WE'RE KIND OF
PRESSED FOR TIME.
341
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,528
I WAS, YOU KNOW,
JUST WONDERING IF, UH...
342
00:14:58,797 --> 00:15:00,365
GUESS NOT.
343
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,044
PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG IN
344
00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:14,546
YOU PUT YOUR
RIGHT LEG OUT
345
00:15:14,546 --> 00:15:15,547
YOU PUT YOUR
RIGHT LEG IN
346
00:15:15,547 --> 00:15:17,382
AND YOU SHAKE IT
ALL ABOUT
347
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:18,684
YOU DO
THE HOKEY POKEY...
348
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,693
PLEASE REMAIN BEHIND
THE YELLOW LINE, SIR.
349
00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:29,194
HEY, LOOK, DOLL FACE,
350
00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:32,197
I GOT FORM 4255 HERE,
ENTITLED,
351
00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:33,698
"RECAPTURE
OF INVESTMENT CREDITS
352
00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:36,201
"FOR DISPOSAL OR CHANGED USE
OF INVESTMENT PROPERTY
353
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,436
BEFORE THE END
OF ITS USEFUL LIFE."
354
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:43,041
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SHARP
I COULD STICK IN MY EYE?
355
00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:44,610
DO I INCLUDE FORM 8611
356
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,145
FOR REDUCTION IN QUALITY
BASIS OF PROPERTY
357
00:15:47,146 --> 00:15:48,714
AND PUT
THE TOTAL ON LINE 50
358
00:15:48,714 --> 00:15:50,515
OR DO I LIST THEM
SEPARATELY?
359
00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:53,618
I'LL GET THE SUPERVISOR.
360
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:57,189
I THINK THE WISE THING
WOULD BE TO GO DOWN
361
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:59,191
TO YOUR LOCAL
IRS OFFICE.
362
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,426
IF I'D KEPT
MY LAST JOB,
363
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:03,662
I COULD'VE BEEN ON
VACATION IN FLORIDA.
364
00:16:03,662 --> 00:16:05,730
PLEASE STEP BEHIND
THE YELLOW LINE.
365
00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:09,367
SORRY. IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE
GONNA HIT YOU OR NOTHING.
366
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,136
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
367
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:14,239
OK. HOW MUCH DO YOU GOT TO
EARN TO BE MAILED A 1099?
368
00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:15,807
1099.
369
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,811
UM, THAT'S INCOME
FROM GAMBLING?
370
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,779
NO. NO, IT ISN'T.
371
00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:22,580
PENSION INCOME?
372
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,416
[IMITATING A BUZZER]
373
00:16:25,417 --> 00:16:26,918
TIME'S UP, DENISE.
374
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,420
I'M SURE THIS
INSTRUCTION BOOK
375
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:29,421
WILL HELP, OK?
UH-HUH.
376
00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:31,923
WELL, I'VE READ THIS BOOK,
AND IT IS FABULOUS,
377
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,425
BUT I WOULD LIKE
SOME INFORMATION.
378
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:34,926
SEE, I'D WAGER
379
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,695
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THIS
THE INFORMATION LINE.
380
00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:37,962
I'M SORRY, SIR,
381
00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:39,297
BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN
HERE FOR TWO WEEKS.
382
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:40,632
WELL, SO HAVE WE.
383
00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:43,768
LOOK, PLEASE, WE'VE BEEN
EXTREMELY BUSY.
384
00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:44,836
THIS IS OUR BUSIEST DAY
OF THE YEAR.
385
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,839
I'M SURE
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.
386
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:47,840
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN HERE
SINCE 7:30 THIS MORNING.
387
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,341
I NEVER GOT LUNCH,
388
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:51,109
AND THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE
FRESH COFFEE BACK HERE.
389
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:54,179
MAYBE ONE OF YOUR
COLLEAGUES COULD HELP US.
390
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:57,782
ED, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT A 1099?
391
00:16:57,783 --> 00:17:00,952
1099R--
PENSIONS AND ANNUITIES.
392
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,788
NO, ED.
393
00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:06,791
1099 INCOME.
394
00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:08,093
INCOME, ED.
395
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,360
COUNTER FOUR.
396
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:12,864
IS THERE
ANYONE ELSE?
397
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,266
ANYONE?
398
00:17:14,266 --> 00:17:16,001
I'LL GET THE SUPERVISOR.
399
00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:17,836
WHY, NEXT YEAR
WE'RE STARTING IN JUNE.
400
00:17:17,836 --> 00:17:19,337
NEXT YEAR WE
AIN'T GONNA FILE.
401
00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:20,839
THEN WE'LL GO TO PRISON.
402
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:24,275
OF COURSE, I BET YOU DON'T
HAVE TO FILE FROM PRISON.
403
00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:25,844
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
404
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:29,848
WELL, NOBODY IN YOUR WHOLE
OPERATION HERE SEEMS TO KNOW
405
00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:32,350
HOW MUCH I HAVE TO EARN
TO GET MAILED A 1099.
406
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:33,852
WHAT WERE
YOUR EARNINGS?
407
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:34,853
400 BUCKS.
408
00:17:34,853 --> 00:17:36,354
AN EMPLOYER
IS ONLY REQUIRED
409
00:17:36,355 --> 00:17:37,356
TO SEND YOU A 1099
410
00:17:37,356 --> 00:17:39,358
IF YOU EARNED
$600 OR MORE.
411
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:40,859
600? REALLY?
412
00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:42,060
WHY COULDN'T YOU GUYS
413
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,629
HAVE THAT WRITTEN
DOWN SOMEWHERE?
414
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,197
WE DO. WE HAVE DETAILED
INSTRUCTION BOOKS
415
00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:47,199
WHICH CAN BE EASILY
UNDERSTOOD BY PEOPLE
416
00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:49,201
WITH AT LEAST AN
EIGHTH GRADE EDUCATION,
417
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:50,702
BUT OF COURSE
WE HAVE TO RELY
418
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:52,704
ON COOPERATIVE CITIZENS
SUCH AS YOURSELVES
419
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:54,605
TAKING THE TIME
TO READ THEM.
420
00:17:54,606 --> 00:17:56,007
NO, SEE,
I DID READ THIS BOOK,
421
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,510
AND THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE
ABOUT NO 1099.
422
00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:02,013
YOU SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS
ANYTHING IN THERE ABOUT A 1099.
423
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:08,520
WELL, THAT'S
THE ONE PAGE I SKIPPED.
424
00:18:11,523 --> 00:18:13,525
THAT'S THAT PAGE 34.
425
00:18:13,525 --> 00:18:15,527
PAGE 34.
426
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:17,462
YEAH,
SO IT'S OUR FAULT.
427
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:18,864
I'M NOT SAYING IT'S
ANYONE'S FAULT, MA'AM,
428
00:18:18,864 --> 00:18:20,866
BUT THE ANSWER IS THERE
IN WRITING.
429
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,868
SORRY, THERE ARE
NO PICTURES.
430
00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:26,471
YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY,
YOU KNOW?
431
00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:27,973
YOU SHOULD HAVE
A COVER CHARGE
432
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:29,708
TO GET IN THIS JOINT.
433
00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:31,276
YOU KNOW, IF MORE PEOPLE
WOULD TAKE THE TIME
434
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:33,278
TO READ THESE
SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS,
435
00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:34,279
THEY WOULDN'T
HAVE TO COME DOWN HERE
436
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,780
AND ASK
STUPID QUESTIONS,
437
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,282
AND THEN
MAYBE THESE LINES
438
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,283
WOULDN'T BE SO LONG.
439
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,751
SO LONG.
440
00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:44,155
HEY, HEY. HEY, LISTEN,
YOU PENCIL-PUSHING GEEK.
441
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:49,060
I REALLY DIDN'T
COME DOWN HERE
442
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:50,562
TO STAND IN LINE ALL DAY
443
00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:52,330
TO PUT UP WITH
YOUR CONDESCENDING,
444
00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:53,899
SNOTTY LITTLE ATTITUDE,
YOU KNOW?
445
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:55,901
I MEAN, I'M SURE IT IS
A PAIN IN YOUR BUTT
446
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:57,402
TO ANSWER OUR UNIMPORTANT
LITTLE QUESTIONS,
447
00:18:57,402 --> 00:18:59,404
BUT THAT IS YOUR JOB,
ISN'T IT?
448
00:18:59,404 --> 00:19:02,907
AND YOU ARE PAID
WITH OUR TAX MONEY.
449
00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:03,808
OK, HONEY, COME ON.
450
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:04,743
NO, DAN.
451
00:19:04,743 --> 00:19:06,845
THIS STUFF IS IMPOSSIBLE
TO UNDERSTAND--
452
00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:08,913
THESE LAWS
AND EXPLANATIONS OF LAWS.
453
00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:10,916
NO HUMAN BEING CAN REALLY
UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS.
454
00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:12,918
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY
YOU GOT TO GO GET
455
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:14,419
SOME $200-AN-HOUR LAWYER
456
00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:15,920
TO EVEN EXPLAIN
THE CRAP TO YOU, YOU KNOW?
457
00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,923
AND I CAN'T AFFORD
$200 AN HOUR.
458
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:19,925
YEAH.
YEAH.
459
00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:21,426
WE DON'T WRITE
THE STINKING LAWS!
460
00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:22,927
YOU GOT A COMPLAINT,
461
00:19:22,928 --> 00:19:24,930
TALK TO THE IDIOTS
IN WASHINGTON!
462
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:25,430
ED!
463
00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:34,939
WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD.
I MEAN,
464
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,943
US PEOPLE, THE POOR PEOPLE,
AND US REGULAR PEOPLE,
465
00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:39,945
WE'RE PAYING MORE TAXES
THAN THE RICH PEOPLE
466
00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:40,946
BECAUSE THEY GOT
ALL THEIR LAWYERS
467
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:41,947
TO FIGURE OUT
THE LOOPHOLES.
468
00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:43,882
I WANT TO FIND LOOPHOLES.
469
00:19:43,882 --> 00:19:44,949
YEAH!
470
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:46,451
LET'S GO.
471
00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:47,452
I MEAN,
WE GIVE YOU OUR MONEY
472
00:19:47,452 --> 00:19:48,953
AND THEN YOU LIKE
TOTALLY MISMANAGE IT
473
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:50,956
WORSE THAN WE
EVER COULD ANYHOW.
474
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:52,457
I MEAN, THE GOVERNMENT IS
475
00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:54,459
SOMETHING LIKE
$3 TRILLION IN DEBT.
476
00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:56,961
I MEAN, I THINK
I SAW THAT ON DONAHUE.
477
00:19:56,962 --> 00:19:57,963
IT'S LIKE 3 TRILLION--
478
00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:00,966
THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU'RE
MAKING $15,000 A YEAR, OK?
479
00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:01,967
SO YOU RUN UP
YOUR MASTERCHARGE
480
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:02,968
TO LIKE 50 GRAND.
481
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,469
THEN, CAN YOU
EVEN IMAGINE?
482
00:20:04,469 --> 00:20:08,272
YOUR MONTHLY BILL WOULD
BE LIKE $5,000 A MONTH.
483
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:09,540
I MEAN, IT'S INSANE.
484
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,543
THE WHOLE THING
IS INSANE. I MEAN,
485
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:12,544
SOMEDAY US REGULAR PEOPLE,
486
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:15,547
WE OUGHT TO GET SMART,
YOU KNOW, AND AUDIT THEM.
487
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:16,881
YEAH.
YEAH.
488
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:23,088
I'M SORRY, MA'AM, UH,
I DIDN'T GET YOUR NAME.
489
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:25,958
YOU DON'T
NEED HER NAME.
490
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,460
COME ON.
491
00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:29,461
NO, DAN.
492
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:32,964
I'M NOT GOING
TO BE INTIMIDATED
493
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:34,366
BY THAT
LITTLE WEASEL.
494
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:37,435
HONEY, THIS ISN'T
THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.
495
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:42,441
NO, NO.
I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
496
00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:43,775
EXCUSE ME, RABBI.
497
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:51,549
I AM NOT AFRAID
TO TELL YOU MY NAME.
498
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:54,119
IT'S WAGNER WITH A "W."
499
00:20:56,488 --> 00:20:57,388
ALL RIGHT.
500
00:20:57,389 --> 00:20:58,890
YEAH.
501
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:03,895
MRS. NORRIS T. WAGNER.
502
00:21:03,895 --> 00:21:05,897
MRS. NORRIS T. WAGNER.
503
00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:08,400
COME, NORRIS.
504
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,067
YES, DEAR.
505
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:20,745
PRESENTING, NEW FOR 1989,
YOUR INCOME TAX RETURN.
506
00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:22,814
PAGES AND PAGES
OF FABULOUS PRINT
507
00:21:22,814 --> 00:21:25,817
ON OUR OWN
HIGH-QUALITY BOND,
508
00:21:25,817 --> 00:21:27,752
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE
UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.
509
00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:28,820
AH.
510
00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:32,890
YOUR PEN--A BIC CLIC--
RETAILING FOR 98 CENTS,
511
00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:34,392
AVAILABLE AT THE BOTTOM
512
00:21:34,393 --> 00:21:35,861
OF ANY OF ONE OF
MOM'S POCKETBOOKS.
513
00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:40,331
THANK YOU, VANNA.
514
00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:43,335
AND NOW...
515
00:21:45,337 --> 00:21:47,005
WAGNER.
516
00:21:47,005 --> 00:21:48,573
MOVE IT OUT.
517
00:21:48,573 --> 00:21:50,074
ALL RIGHT.
JACKETS.
518
00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:51,643
SO DID YOU GUYS CHEAT?
519
00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,645
YEAH. RICH PEOPLE
RIP OFF THE GOVERNMENT.
520
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:54,646
WHY SHOULDN'T WE?
521
00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:56,581
OH, WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT?
522
00:21:56,581 --> 00:21:59,917
OFF OF ONE
OF YOUR DYLAN ALBUMS.
523
00:21:59,918 --> 00:22:01,986
NOBODY CHEATED.
GET IN THE CAR.
524
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:03,888
HOPE YOU
DON'T GET AN AUDIT.
525
00:22:20,672 --> 00:22:24,509
[MELODRAMATIC
MUSIC PLAYS]
526
00:22:28,380 --> 00:22:31,883
HI. I'M JOHN GOODMAN.
THANK YOU.
527
00:22:31,883 --> 00:22:34,886
WHAT YOU'VE JUST SEEN
WAS A PLAY,
528
00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:36,888
A SILLY LITTLE PLAY
CHOCK-FULL OF JOKES
529
00:22:36,888 --> 00:22:39,891
AND JUST FOR FUN,
JUST FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT.
530
00:22:39,891 --> 00:22:42,393
I PERSONALLY HAVE NOTHING
BUT THE UTMOST RESPECT
531
00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:43,895
FOR THE INTERNAL
REVENUE SERVICE
532
00:22:43,895 --> 00:22:44,896
AND ALL OF
ITS DEDICATED WORKERS
533
00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:47,398
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S
THE GREAT GUYS AND GALS
534
00:22:47,399 --> 00:22:50,902
AT THE IRS THAT KEEP
AMERICA ROLLING.
535
00:22:50,902 --> 00:22:53,404
SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS.
536
00:22:53,405 --> 00:22:55,407
I GOT A CONTRACT
WITH A PRODUCTION COMPANY,
537
00:22:55,407 --> 00:22:56,408
AND THEY HIRE WRITERS
538
00:22:56,408 --> 00:22:58,410
WHO PUT WORDS
IN MY MOUTH.
539
00:22:58,410 --> 00:23:00,912
FOR EXAMPLE,
EARLY IN THE SHOW I GO--
540
00:23:00,912 --> 00:23:02,313
IT WAS MY JOB
TO SAY--
541
00:23:02,314 --> 00:23:04,883
"IT'S A STUPID SYSTEM
RUN BY STUPID PEOPLE,"
542
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:07,385
RIGHT? LIKE I BELIEVE THAT.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
543
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:09,888
I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING
I SAID ON THE SHOW.
544
00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:13,391
IT WAS MY JOB
AS AN ACTOR.
545
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,894
SO I BEG YOU,
PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE
546
00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:19,397
HARDWORKING, RESPONSIBLE,
TAXPAYING JOHN GOODMAN
547
00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:22,901
WITH THAT LOVABLE BUT
NAUGHTY SCAMP DAN CONNER.
548
00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:25,904
SO, TO THE MEN AND WOMEN
AT THE IRS,
549
00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:26,905
MY HAT'S OFF TO YOU.
550
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:28,907
GOOD NIGHT.
GOD BLESS.
551
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:31,910
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--
552
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:36,510
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