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1
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Stick a pony in me pocket
2
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I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
3
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'Cause if you want the best 'uns
but you don't ask questions
4
00:00:13,773 --> 00:00:17,368
Then, brother, I'm your man
5
00:00:17,533 --> 00:00:20,684
'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
6
00:00:20,853 --> 00:00:24,846
It's like the changing of the seasons
and the tides of the sea
7
00:00:25,013 --> 00:00:28,608
But here's the one what's driving me berserk
8
00:00:28,773 --> 00:00:32,049
Why do only fools and horses work?
9
00:00:33,966 --> 00:00:40,040
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10
00:00:49,933 --> 00:00:52,731
You'd better get ready for school, Damien.
11
00:00:54,453 --> 00:00:58,082
- I am ready.
- Oh, right.
12
00:00:58,253 --> 00:01:00,972
- All right, Dad?
- Ooh.
13
00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:04,603
- Was that a contraction?
- No. Indigestion.
14
00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:07,526
It was that bacon burger I had for breakfast.
15
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:10,412
You never used to eat bacon or burgers.
16
00:01:10,573 --> 00:01:15,727
I'm craving bacon now.
Bacon and Rolos - together.
17
00:01:15,893 --> 00:01:19,442
When I was having Damien,
I had a craving for tuna.
18
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,002
Tuna for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
19
00:01:22,173 --> 00:01:26,689
It was horrible. Saying goodnight to her
was like kissing Japan.
20
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:32,211
- Shut up!
- How's it gonna be when I go into labour?
21
00:01:32,373 --> 00:01:34,841
Some women just sail through.
22
00:01:35,013 --> 00:01:38,767
I remember when Mum
was giving birth to Rodney,
23
00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:43,165
she said it was the worst experience of her life.
24
00:01:43,333 --> 00:01:46,325
That doesn't mean
Cassandra will have a bad time.
25
00:01:46,493 --> 00:01:49,371
No... I see what you mean. No.
26
00:01:49,533 --> 00:01:54,482
- You should have a nice easy birth.
- Why?
27
00:01:54,653 --> 00:02:00,091
Well, look at you. You and Rodney
are both very skin... slim, aren't you?
28
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:05,930
So the chances of you having
a very skinny... slimmy baby are very high.
29
00:02:06,093 --> 00:02:08,163
You won't have to push so hard.
30
00:02:08,333 --> 00:02:11,928
Your little sprog will come shooting out like that.
31
00:02:12,093 --> 00:02:15,369
- Del, please!
- Sometimes you overstep the mark.
32
00:02:15,533 --> 00:02:20,653
No. Cassandra won't need a midwife
in the delivery room.
33
00:02:20,813 --> 00:02:24,169
What she will need is a goalkeeper.
"Here it comes!"
34
00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:30,126
- Come on. You'll be late.
- Ready for school, son?
35
00:02:30,293 --> 00:02:35,162
- Sunglasses, Walkman, mobile phone?
- Yeah. Don't fuzz me, man.
36
00:02:35,333 --> 00:02:39,565
- Off you go.
- I think I'll have a lie-down.
37
00:02:39,733 --> 00:02:42,042
Up we get.
38
00:02:47,453 --> 00:02:50,013
I don't know if Cassandra feels up to it,
39
00:02:50,173 --> 00:02:53,722
but she was planning to spend the day
at her parents' house.
40
00:02:53,893 --> 00:02:58,728
- I thought I might go with her.
- Yeah. We'll meet you down the pub later.
41
00:02:58,893 --> 00:03:03,330
I'll get a bacon sandwich and a packet
of Werther's Original for Cassandra.
42
00:03:03,493 --> 00:03:06,883
- Do you think she's all right?
- She's fine.
43
00:03:07,053 --> 00:03:12,446
She's had buckets of pork and toffee.
She's bound to feel a bit gippy.
44
00:03:12,613 --> 00:03:16,288
Yeah, you're right. We'd better do something.
45
00:03:16,453 --> 00:03:21,481
- I thought we'd go down Ronnie Nelson's...
- No, not today, Rodney.
46
00:03:21,653 --> 00:03:26,090
- Del, Rodney is the managing director.
- Yes. I'm in charge.
47
00:03:26,253 --> 00:03:29,609
I know. I'm going to put some flowers
on Mum's grave.
48
00:03:29,773 --> 00:03:32,651
- I'll come with you.
- No.
49
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:35,486
Stay here and look after Cassandra.
50
00:03:35,653 --> 00:03:39,805
Yeah. If she feels better,
I'll go down Ronnie's place.
51
00:03:39,973 --> 00:03:42,328
No. If she bucks up,
52
00:03:42,493 --> 00:03:48,568
take her and Raquel over to her mum's
and stay with them in case of car-jacking.
53
00:03:48,733 --> 00:03:52,442
On your Capri Ghia? Yeah, right.
54
00:03:52,613 --> 00:03:54,683
- Oi!
- What?
55
00:03:54,853 --> 00:03:59,768
- What's the matter with him?
- You never let him do things on his own.
56
00:03:59,933 --> 00:04:05,769
I can't let Rodney go out on business.
He'd come back with a bag of magic beans.
57
00:04:05,933 --> 00:04:10,131
- And you're so successful, aren't you?
- Don't start.
58
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,329
- This situation...
- What situation?
59
00:04:12,493 --> 00:04:16,532
You being made bankrupt,
owing the Inland Revenue P53,000
60
00:04:16,693 --> 00:04:20,129
and the Official Receiver threatening to evict us.
61
00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:23,968
- That.
- Yes. And those letters from the solicitors.
62
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:27,569
- Have you phoned them yet?
- No. I've been busy.
63
00:04:27,733 --> 00:04:31,612
- Have you told Rodney?
- No. He's got enough to worry about.
64
00:04:31,773 --> 00:04:36,210
I'll tell him when the moment's right.
Can I borrow these?
65
00:04:40,733 --> 00:04:43,691
- Have you told Raquel yet?
- Told her what?
66
00:04:43,853 --> 00:04:47,289
That they're auctioning this flat in a month.
67
00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:51,492
No. I'll tell her when the moment's right.
68
00:04:51,653 --> 00:04:54,929
- Del...
- No. See you, Rodney.
69
00:05:01,733 --> 00:05:04,201
Are you all right, Mum?
70
00:05:04,373 --> 00:05:07,445
I've come to give you a bit of a scrub-up.
71
00:05:12,733 --> 00:05:14,769
How do you like your new obelisk?
72
00:05:18,253 --> 00:05:23,850
The other one, your old one, was OK,
but it wasn't quite you,
73
00:05:24,013 --> 00:05:28,564
so when me and Rodders became millionaires,
we got you this new one.
74
00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:35,002
Best one in the yard, this.
This is the Ferrari of shrines.
75
00:05:35,173 --> 00:05:37,289
Anyway...
76
00:05:37,453 --> 00:05:41,731
Cassandra... She'll be giving birth soon.
77
00:05:42,773 --> 00:05:45,731
Another grandchild in the family.
78
00:05:45,893 --> 00:05:50,364
I said to them, if it's a girl,
would they name her after you?
79
00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,171
Joan.
80
00:05:54,253 --> 00:06:00,886
I'm sorry I haven't been down for a long time,
but I've had one or two problems.
81
00:06:01,053 --> 00:06:04,090
What with the bankruptcy and all of that.
82
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:10,524
Then I received this letter
from the Official Receiver,
83
00:06:10,693 --> 00:06:14,003
says they want to auction the old flat.
84
00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:16,528
The lads have been good.
85
00:06:16,693 --> 00:06:21,687
They've all been trying
to think of ways for me to make money.
86
00:06:21,853 --> 00:06:25,289
- You gotta invent something.
- Invent something?
87
00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:27,489
All inventors are rich.
88
00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:32,568
What's the name of that bloke
who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner?
89
00:06:35,053 --> 00:06:36,884
Dyson.
90
00:06:37,053 --> 00:06:41,046
Millionaire. What about that bloke
who invented the biro?
91
00:06:41,213 --> 00:06:44,728
- Bic?
- Millionaire.
92
00:06:44,893 --> 00:06:49,444
I know, Trig. I've thought of that,
but everything's been invented.
93
00:06:49,613 --> 00:06:52,571
Not everything. Picture this.
94
00:06:52,733 --> 00:06:56,567
You're on a crowded bus,
you get an itch in your back.
95
00:06:56,733 --> 00:07:01,602
No matter how hard you try,
you can't reach it. What do you do?
96
00:07:01,773 --> 00:07:05,288
Ask one of the other passengers to scratch it.
97
00:07:05,453 --> 00:07:08,126
- Yeah.
- No, you can't do that, Dave.
98
00:07:08,293 --> 00:07:10,568
No. I was just having a laugh.
99
00:07:11,773 --> 00:07:16,369
I tried that once
and it caused nothing but trouble.
100
00:07:17,373 --> 00:07:21,127
Now... What's this?
101
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:24,806
- Chopstick.
- Correct.
102
00:07:24,973 --> 00:07:29,091
With this you can reach down and hit the spot.
103
00:07:30,613 --> 00:07:37,291
That's very good, Trig. Not quite
up to Bill Gates' standard, but it is brilliant.
104
00:07:37,453 --> 00:07:42,686
I don't want to disappoint you,
and the Chinese have always been inventive,
105
00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:48,450
but we created something years ago
that beat them to the punch - a backscratcher.
106
00:07:48,613 --> 00:07:52,811
But they're big long things, Dave.
You can't carry one in your pocket.
107
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,248
People will look.
108
00:07:55,413 --> 00:08:02,012
Yes, but you've got to have something long
to get it right down where the itch is.
109
00:08:02,173 --> 00:08:06,371
- That thing's too short.
- So what's the answer?
110
00:08:06,533 --> 00:08:09,570
Another drink?
111
00:08:09,733 --> 00:08:11,530
No.
112
00:08:15,053 --> 00:08:17,044
Two chopsticks.
113
00:08:17,213 --> 00:08:21,092
I'm gonna fit a little hinge on the end...
114
00:08:22,133 --> 00:08:25,045
...so you can open it out,
115
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:31,129
scratch away, fold it down again...
and put it back in your pocket.
116
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:35,970
And you can use it for pointing at things.
117
00:08:39,013 --> 00:08:42,528
That's brilliant, innit? No more fingers.
118
00:08:42,693 --> 00:08:47,403
This is just a specimen.
I'm going back to my flat to work on it.
119
00:08:47,573 --> 00:08:51,407
When I take the patent out,
I'm gonna put it in your name.
120
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:55,282
Thanks, Trig. See you on "Tomorrow's World".
121
00:08:58,733 --> 00:09:02,408
Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
122
00:09:02,573 --> 00:09:06,327
Seems like nothing's gonna change my bad luck.
123
00:09:06,493 --> 00:09:09,610
Raquel says we ought to try feng shui.
124
00:09:09,773 --> 00:09:13,766
I said to her,
"What good is eating raw fish gonna do?"
125
00:09:15,933 --> 00:09:21,371
And I'm getting all these letters
from my solicitor demanding a meeting.
126
00:09:22,573 --> 00:09:27,328
If I don't get over 50 grand in four weeks' time,
127
00:09:27,493 --> 00:09:31,327
I'll be kipping on that bench over there.
128
00:09:31,493 --> 00:09:35,008
Least I'll be keeping you company.
129
00:09:35,173 --> 00:09:39,803
If there's anything that you can do -
you know, while you're up there,
130
00:09:39,973 --> 00:09:45,605
like a word in the right ear -
I'd be ever so grateful.
131
00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:53,125
Anyway, I'd better buzz off. See you soon, Mum.
132
00:09:55,573 --> 00:09:57,291
Bonjour.
133
00:10:08,173 --> 00:10:13,486
- What you doing?
- I'm writing a screenplay for a movie.
134
00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,882
Oh. Where is everyone?
135
00:10:17,053 --> 00:10:22,889
Your dad's at the cemetery.
Cassandra's at her parents' place with your mum.
136
00:10:24,573 --> 00:10:28,930
- Is it a silent film?
- No, it's not a silent film.
137
00:10:29,093 --> 00:10:33,086
- You might be able to help me.
- What do you want me to do?
138
00:10:33,253 --> 00:10:35,642
Bugger off and leave me alone.
139
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:44,045
- All right, Dad?
- Yeah. All right, son.
140
00:10:44,213 --> 00:10:47,842
Postman's given me a letter
from the Official Receiver.
141
00:10:48,013 --> 00:10:52,006
- I suppose it's about this flat.
- It ain't a Christmas card.
142
00:10:52,173 --> 00:10:54,812
- Been busy?
- Yes.
143
00:10:56,973 --> 00:11:02,650
- What's wrong, Dad? You look worried.
- I am worried, son.
144
00:11:02,813 --> 00:11:07,204
Oh, dear. I don't know. I haven't slept for ages.
145
00:11:07,373 --> 00:11:13,084
I feel so stressed out,
Yehudi Menuhin could play a symphony on me!
146
00:11:13,253 --> 00:11:17,246
- I'm gonna go and play football.
- All right.
147
00:11:17,413 --> 00:11:20,166
Don't forget what I said about dirty tackling.
148
00:11:20,333 --> 00:11:22,528
- Yeah. Be first.
- Good boy.
149
00:11:49,813 --> 00:11:52,885
How's that creative writing course of yours?
150
00:11:53,053 --> 00:11:57,205
- Fine.
- Good. 'Cause I worry about you.
151
00:11:57,373 --> 00:12:03,608
Even though I've got bankruptcy
looming over me, and my eminent eviction,
152
00:12:03,773 --> 00:12:06,970
I lie awake at night worrying.
153
00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:13,481
I say to myself, "Is Rodney
getting his commas in the right place?"
154
00:12:13,653 --> 00:12:15,644
What's up with you?
155
00:12:15,813 --> 00:12:21,490
I'll tell you. Here I am, halfway down the gurgler
with only my head above the water,
156
00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:27,205
and you're poncing around on your wife's laptop,
wasting money on some course.
157
00:12:27,373 --> 00:12:31,605
I'm not wasting money.
I'm investing in our future.
158
00:12:31,773 --> 00:12:36,722
What future?
We've got all the prospects of a Toilet Duck!
159
00:12:36,893 --> 00:12:41,444
I'm trying to get us out of this situation
by earning some serious money.
160
00:12:41,613 --> 00:12:45,925
Have you any idea how much you can earn
by writing a book or a film?
161
00:12:46,093 --> 00:12:52,248
- I bet you've never heard of JK Rowling.
- As a matter of fact, I have.
162
00:12:52,413 --> 00:12:55,166
He's one of my favourites.
163
00:12:55,333 --> 00:12:58,530
No... Yeah, right.
164
00:12:58,693 --> 00:13:04,723
JK Rowling wrote all the Harry Potter books
and has earned over P70 million.
165
00:13:04,893 --> 00:13:09,091
70 million?! That would do us, wouldn't it?
166
00:13:09,253 --> 00:13:12,450
- It could get us over the worst.
- Go on, then.
167
00:13:12,613 --> 00:13:14,683
- What?
- Write one.
168
00:13:15,693 --> 00:13:18,765
I can't write a Harry Potter book. It's copyrighted.
169
00:13:18,933 --> 00:13:25,088
Don't worry about that. Just change a bit.
No one will notice. Call it Harry Trotter.
170
00:13:26,093 --> 00:13:30,928
- No.
- Will you shut up, you tart?
171
00:13:31,093 --> 00:13:33,687
All you need is a couple of wizards
172
00:13:33,853 --> 00:13:39,405
and some little git with John Lennon glasses,
and then we're off.
173
00:13:39,573 --> 00:13:42,292
I can't write all that magic stuff.
174
00:13:42,453 --> 00:13:47,004
I'm more Michael Crichton and Thomas Harris.
He wrote "Silence Of The Lambs".
175
00:13:47,173 --> 00:13:50,210
Oh, yeah? Hannibal the Cannonball?
176
00:13:51,453 --> 00:13:54,126
No, it's can... Yeah.
177
00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:58,809
- Well, he's earned over $100 million.
- 100 million?
178
00:13:58,973 --> 00:14:03,330
I know it's all big talk -
70 million here, 100 million there.
179
00:14:03,493 --> 00:14:08,328
You're entitled to talk big
once you've been a millionaire like what we have.
180
00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:13,525
You know what this is, don't you?
181
00:14:15,053 --> 00:14:19,524
Every time I go down
and have a little talk to Mum,
182
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:22,730
something turns up to save us.
183
00:14:23,733 --> 00:14:28,807
This is it. This is a sign. This is Mum's doing.
184
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:34,689
Come on, Rodney.
We're gonna come up with a film idea.
185
00:14:34,853 --> 00:14:36,411
Yeah.
186
00:14:39,369 --> 00:14:44,762
So I rang Mike in prison
and we decided to turn this into a theme pub.
187
00:14:44,929 --> 00:14:49,480
- Good.
- We decided on 1930s, pre-war London.
188
00:14:49,649 --> 00:14:51,879
It's turned out well.
189
00:14:52,049 --> 00:14:54,563
I ain't started yet.
190
00:14:54,729 --> 00:14:59,928
- It's still at the consultation stage.
- Let us know when it's finished.
191
00:15:00,089 --> 00:15:02,603
Raquel. Cassandra. What are you drinking?
192
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:06,603
- Vodka and tonic, please, Trig.
- An orange juice, please.
193
00:15:06,769 --> 00:15:08,919
- Del and Rodney here?
- I ain't seen 'em.
194
00:15:10,049 --> 00:15:14,440
- Tell Del the prototype has hit a snag.
- Right.
195
00:15:14,609 --> 00:15:18,602
- Me paraffin heater melted the chopsticks.
- OK.
196
00:15:18,769 --> 00:15:23,638
I might have to go to a Chinese shop.
He'll understand.
197
00:15:26,449 --> 00:15:29,043
- What are they doing?
- Who?
198
00:15:29,209 --> 00:15:35,728
These people that landed
on an uninhabited desert island in the Specific.
199
00:15:35,889 --> 00:15:38,961
- Right. They're scientists.
- Right.
200
00:15:39,129 --> 00:15:42,201
They've been sent there
because of strange goings-on.
201
00:15:42,369 --> 00:15:46,647
- Like people getting killed?
- Yeah. Disappearing strangely.
202
00:15:46,809 --> 00:15:50,768
Right. This idea's getting betterer and betterer.
203
00:15:50,929 --> 00:15:56,925
So they land in a jumbo jet flown by...
I'm thinking Mel Gibson.
204
00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:59,683
Mel Gibson? Yeah!
205
00:15:59,849 --> 00:16:04,320
- He ain't got all that paint over his face?
- No, no.
206
00:16:04,489 --> 00:16:08,687
- He's the leading scientist.
- Right. OK.
207
00:16:08,849 --> 00:16:12,967
- What's he doing flying the plane, then?
- I dunno.
208
00:16:13,969 --> 00:16:18,997
We could say that in the past
he was a pilot for...
209
00:16:19,169 --> 00:16:21,046
Monarch.
210
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:25,803
No. Something exciting. NASA.
211
00:16:25,969 --> 00:16:28,563
NASA! Yes, sir! NASA.
212
00:16:28,729 --> 00:16:34,201
So Mel and his assistant...
I was thinking Julia Roberts.
213
00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:38,567
Julia Roberts. Now you're talking like a mogul.
214
00:16:38,729 --> 00:16:44,565
So whilst they're out there doing
all their scientific research and all that stuff,
215
00:16:44,729 --> 00:16:47,721
something in the jungle is watching them.
216
00:16:47,889 --> 00:16:52,007
- The monster.
- Except it's not really a monster.
217
00:16:52,169 --> 00:16:58,404
What they don't know is on this island
are a forgotten tribe of Neanderthals.
218
00:16:58,569 --> 00:17:02,164
Cor blimey. Well, you need that, don't ya?
219
00:17:03,569 --> 00:17:06,481
Old Mel's got his work cut out.
220
00:17:06,649 --> 00:17:09,925
Doing all his research and trying to sort Julia out.
221
00:17:11,169 --> 00:17:14,002
So there's all these cavemen...
222
00:17:14,169 --> 00:17:18,526
Yeah. And women.
The women. You know what I mean?
223
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:22,762
'Cause serious filmgoers, they like a bit of that.
224
00:17:22,929 --> 00:17:27,559
I was thinking about... Liz Hurley and Jordan.
225
00:17:29,209 --> 00:17:32,565
- We'll talk about it.
- And they're killer cavemen.
226
00:17:32,729 --> 00:17:36,438
- Yes!
- This is gonna be a blockbuster.
227
00:17:36,609 --> 00:17:40,045
It's called "The Island Of Death".
228
00:17:40,209 --> 00:17:42,677
We'll talk about that as well.
229
00:17:44,529 --> 00:17:47,680
Did you get the baby blues
after Damien was born?
230
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:53,446
- I had my moments, but not too bad.
- I didn't get depressed after I had Tyler.
231
00:17:53,609 --> 00:17:57,727
I was private. The doctors and the drugs
are better than on the NHS.
232
00:17:57,889 --> 00:18:00,767
I didn't get post-natal depression, did I?
233
00:18:00,929 --> 00:18:05,525
How would I know? You've been
screaming and crying all your life.
234
00:18:05,689 --> 00:18:08,442
Only since I married you!
235
00:18:09,769 --> 00:18:13,523
It's our anniversary soon. 34 years.
236
00:18:13,689 --> 00:18:16,408
They dig up fossils younger than that.
237
00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:22,958
Put a bit of make-up on 'em
and I might fancy them more than you.
238
00:18:23,969 --> 00:18:26,802
Mind you, she has her uses.
239
00:18:26,969 --> 00:18:32,601
If I have to draw a straight line
and can't find a ruler, I just use her chest.
240
00:18:35,009 --> 00:18:37,569
That is one 'orrible git.
241
00:18:39,209 --> 00:18:41,769
But he has got his nice side.
242
00:18:41,929 --> 00:18:46,241
Last month he took out
a massive life insurance on me.
243
00:18:46,409 --> 00:18:50,163
- Shows he cares.
- Come on, Marlene.
244
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:52,968
Let's go home and ignore each other.
245
00:18:56,729 --> 00:19:00,802
Right. Where are they now?
At the end of the runway.
246
00:19:00,969 --> 00:19:03,722
Yeah. Just getting ready to take off
247
00:19:03,889 --> 00:19:09,043
when suddenly a big bird
gets sucked into one of the engines.
248
00:19:09,209 --> 00:19:13,407
Yes! I can see that, Rodney. That is drama.
249
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:17,039
- Yeah.
- I feel an Oscar coming on here.
250
00:19:18,369 --> 00:19:21,361
Who do you see playing the big bird?
251
00:19:23,889 --> 00:19:27,484
- Eh?
- Roseanne Barr. She ain't small.
252
00:19:29,289 --> 00:19:32,087
No. When I say big bird...
253
00:19:32,249 --> 00:19:36,561
If you got Roseanne Barr
stuck in your engine, you'd know.
254
00:19:36,729 --> 00:19:40,961
No, no. I'm talking about an eagle or a coroment.
255
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:46,237
A cornament... An eagle.
256
00:19:46,409 --> 00:19:48,764
Oh, right. I see.
257
00:19:48,929 --> 00:19:52,888
Ah! No, no... Got it, Rodney.
258
00:19:53,049 --> 00:19:56,598
This is it. Listen to this. Mel... Right?
259
00:19:56,769 --> 00:20:02,924
- His assistant is played by Roseanne Barr.
- I don't want Roseanne Barr.
260
00:20:03,089 --> 00:20:08,243
But when Mel pulls her out of the engine,
she's in a right mess.
261
00:20:08,409 --> 00:20:09,842
Del...
262
00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:14,799
No, listen. This is when we find out
that not only is Mel a pilot
263
00:20:14,969 --> 00:20:19,724
and a science researchist,
but he's also a plastic surgeon.
264
00:20:19,889 --> 00:20:25,202
- No.
- And he's got his plastic surgeon tools.
265
00:20:25,369 --> 00:20:29,647
- So he operates on her.
- I don't want him operating on her.
266
00:20:29,809 --> 00:20:34,166
And then he turns her into Julia Roberts, right?
267
00:20:34,329 --> 00:20:40,245
When she sees what he's done, she says,
"Bloody hell, Mel! Help yourself."
268
00:20:43,249 --> 00:20:45,285
And that is your romance.
269
00:20:46,409 --> 00:20:50,846
I'm not having Roseanne Barr's legs
sticking out of one end of an engine
270
00:20:51,009 --> 00:20:55,002
and Julia Roberts' head
sticking out of the other end.
271
00:20:59,609 --> 00:21:03,363
- Are you certain he said they'd meet us?
- I'm positive.
272
00:21:05,209 --> 00:21:08,918
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
273
00:21:09,089 --> 00:21:11,557
Why do they do things like this?
274
00:21:11,729 --> 00:21:17,565
As I've said to you before,
women are from Venus, men are from Peckham.
275
00:21:25,329 --> 00:21:28,958
- Let me carry that coffee.
- Get off me, Rodney!
276
00:21:29,129 --> 00:21:33,680
I know you're an attentive man,
but you're getting on my bloody nerves.
277
00:21:35,569 --> 00:21:39,687
- Hormones, eh?
- Yeah. I'm glad I ain't got none.
278
00:21:41,689 --> 00:21:44,601
It's an answering machine.
279
00:21:44,769 --> 00:21:47,761
Hello. Denzil, this is Delboy.
280
00:21:47,929 --> 00:21:51,638
I haven't been able to get hold of you.
281
00:21:51,809 --> 00:21:56,758
I just wanted to let you know
I had a job for you worth 500 quid.
282
00:21:56,929 --> 00:22:00,524
I've had to let it go to someone else now.
283
00:22:00,689 --> 00:22:06,844
So I just wanted to let you know
what a half-head I think you are. Bonjour!
284
00:22:09,049 --> 00:22:11,040
- You'll never guess.
- What?
285
00:22:11,209 --> 00:22:14,997
I've been talking to that woman
who cleans for Boycie and Marlene.
286
00:22:15,169 --> 00:22:19,481
She says she hasn't seen Marlene
for eight days now.
287
00:22:19,649 --> 00:22:23,688
- What do you think's happened?
- I dunno. Strange, though.
288
00:22:23,849 --> 00:22:27,558
I can't understand
how they weren't divorced years ago.
289
00:22:27,729 --> 00:22:32,041
Marlene will never divorce Boycie.
She hates him too much.
290
00:22:33,729 --> 00:22:38,166
You shouldn't laugh.
Marital break-ups can be very damaging.
291
00:22:38,329 --> 00:22:40,843
I did some work for the Samaritans.
292
00:22:41,009 --> 00:22:43,682
- On the phones?
- Yeah.
293
00:22:43,849 --> 00:22:48,559
Yes. Very successful he was, too.
No one ever phoned back.
294
00:22:53,649 --> 00:22:56,209
Del, have you seen Marlene recently?
295
00:22:56,369 --> 00:23:00,248
No. I bumped into Boycie.
He said she'd gone away.
296
00:23:00,409 --> 00:23:05,164
- Maybe he's murdered her!
- Keep your nose out of this.
297
00:23:05,329 --> 00:23:10,005
- Do you think she's left him?
- They were having a row. It got nasty.
298
00:23:10,169 --> 00:23:12,603
He accused her of being flat-chested.
299
00:23:12,769 --> 00:23:18,207
- They're always having rows.
- You haven't seen Denzil either.
300
00:23:18,369 --> 00:23:20,678
Maybe they've run off together.
301
00:23:20,849 --> 00:23:23,409
Hark at him.
302
00:23:23,569 --> 00:23:28,085
Marlene has run off with Den... zil.
303
00:23:32,369 --> 00:23:35,520
Jane, half a lager and Del's usual.
304
00:23:35,689 --> 00:23:37,805
Poison in the dining room.
305
00:23:37,969 --> 00:23:42,599
- Candlestick in the bedroom.
- You playing Cluedo?
306
00:23:42,769 --> 00:23:48,446
No. It's called "Whatever happened to Marlene?"
It's been ten days now.
307
00:23:48,609 --> 00:23:53,319
I reckon she's either run off with another bloke
or Boycie's killed her.
308
00:23:53,489 --> 00:23:56,128
Or she's spending the week at her sister's.
309
00:23:56,289 --> 00:23:59,964
Her sister's? You and your imagination, Rodney.
310
00:24:00,129 --> 00:24:04,247
Do you remember
the old Jolly Boys' outings we went on?
311
00:24:04,409 --> 00:24:09,244
- The beanos to Margate? They were great.
- We ain't had one in years.
312
00:24:09,409 --> 00:24:13,960
No. After the last one
the coach firms wouldn't do business with us.
313
00:24:15,289 --> 00:24:19,760
But I was going through some old boxes
and I found this.
314
00:24:22,329 --> 00:24:27,722
It's the first Jolly Boys' outing. July 1960.
315
00:24:27,889 --> 00:24:33,009
There's Del, about 15.
There's Trigger. Boycie. Denzil.
316
00:24:33,169 --> 00:24:37,560
- What a bunch of mongs.
- Bloody 'ell. They look stupid.
317
00:24:37,729 --> 00:24:41,608
That was the fashion. There's your dad - Reg.
318
00:24:41,769 --> 00:24:46,399
- Oh, yeah.
- There's your grandfather. There's me.
319
00:24:46,569 --> 00:24:51,040
Blimey, Sid. You looked like an old git
even in them days.
320
00:24:52,249 --> 00:24:55,685
Yeah. I haven't really aged.
321
00:24:57,009 --> 00:25:00,206
See you later. I gotta get something to eat.
322
00:25:00,369 --> 00:25:03,486
- We do food here.
- I know. I've tried it.
323
00:25:03,649 --> 00:25:05,844
Fair enough.
324
00:25:06,009 --> 00:25:12,608
Sid, can I borrow this to get a copy made?
I'm gonna embarrass Del with it.
325
00:25:12,769 --> 00:25:15,124
- I want it back, though.
- Yeah. 'Course.
326
00:25:19,449 --> 00:25:21,963
- There you go.
- Ta.
327
00:25:22,129 --> 00:25:26,998
- What are you smirking at?
- Nothing. You all right, Trig?
328
00:25:27,169 --> 00:25:30,127
Nothing to report. Waiting for the glue to dry.
329
00:25:32,449 --> 00:25:34,326
Mum's the word.
330
00:25:34,489 --> 00:25:38,607
I hope you're around on Saturday night.
It's a special evening.
331
00:25:38,769 --> 00:25:41,203
The brewery given us a new guvnor?
332
00:25:41,369 --> 00:25:47,604
No. Somebody's booked the pub for a do
and it's the first of my tribute nights.
333
00:25:47,769 --> 00:25:53,560
I've got a couple of singers from Newcastle.
They call themselves "Lordy Geordie".
334
00:25:55,649 --> 00:25:58,925
They do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.
335
00:26:01,329 --> 00:26:03,524
Why?
336
00:26:05,289 --> 00:26:07,439
I didn't ask.
337
00:26:07,609 --> 00:26:12,524
The first act on is a David Bowie tribute.
A carpenter.
338
00:26:12,689 --> 00:26:15,761
Calls himself Ziggy Sawdust.
339
00:26:18,849 --> 00:26:22,000
Make a note of that, Rodney. I can't miss this.
340
00:26:23,089 --> 00:26:26,081
Yeah. Sounds good, doesn't it?
341
00:26:28,969 --> 00:26:33,997
- I've got a good idea for one of our films.
- What's that?
342
00:26:34,169 --> 00:26:37,957
You know, Denzil and Marlene
running off together.
343
00:26:38,129 --> 00:26:41,963
These two people
who've known each other since their teens
344
00:26:42,129 --> 00:26:44,563
and hid their passion for each other,
345
00:26:44,729 --> 00:26:49,245
and when they reach middle age,
they can't contain it no longer,
346
00:26:49,409 --> 00:26:52,003
so they rush into each other's arms.
347
00:26:52,169 --> 00:26:56,845
- This is Denzil and Marlene.
- We'll get someone nice, though.
348
00:26:57,009 --> 00:27:01,161
I can't do romance.
I'm more into science fiction.
349
00:27:01,329 --> 00:27:04,321
Yeah. I like all that as well, Dave.
350
00:27:05,769 --> 00:27:10,559
I mean, you think about space.
It's everywhere, innit?
351
00:27:12,769 --> 00:27:16,000
You're right. You can't move for it.
352
00:27:16,169 --> 00:27:18,763
I read something frightening.
353
00:27:18,929 --> 00:27:24,049
Scientists have discovered
this gigantic black hole on the edge of our galaxy,
354
00:27:24,209 --> 00:27:27,918
and if our planet continues
on its ever-widening orbit,
355
00:27:28,089 --> 00:27:30,557
we'll be sucked into it and destroyed.
356
00:27:30,729 --> 00:27:33,084
I'll make sure I'm out that day.
357
00:27:34,489 --> 00:27:37,322
So when's this going to happen?
358
00:27:38,489 --> 00:27:45,440
They can't be too specific. They can't say
Saturday 12th March at half past three.
359
00:27:45,609 --> 00:27:49,761
No, but they can give us an idea,
give or take a fortnight.
360
00:27:49,929 --> 00:27:52,238
Well, roughly...
361
00:27:52,409 --> 00:27:57,244
within two to three hundred million years.
362
00:27:58,249 --> 00:28:00,479
We got time for a quick one, then?
363
00:28:02,489 --> 00:28:05,287
So what are they gonna do about it?
364
00:28:07,689 --> 00:28:11,159
- What are who gonna do about it?
- The government.
365
00:28:11,329 --> 00:28:17,802
Well, there's nothing... Send McAlpine's up
with a spaceship full of bricks.
366
00:28:17,969 --> 00:28:19,960
They'll need more than one.
367
00:28:22,969 --> 00:28:26,484
Del, I know you don't believe
in this UFO rubbish,
368
00:28:26,649 --> 00:28:30,722
but I've been sitting here looking at the sky
369
00:28:30,889 --> 00:28:33,483
and I suddenly noticed a star.
370
00:28:33,649 --> 00:28:36,163
It's night, Trig. It happens.
371
00:28:36,329 --> 00:28:41,323
Yeah, but this star suddenly disappeared
and then it came back again...
372
00:28:41,489 --> 00:28:45,687
and then it disappeared
and then it came back again.
373
00:28:46,689 --> 00:28:51,160
And then it disappeared...
and then it came back again.
374
00:28:52,849 --> 00:28:55,647
Do you think that's a close encounter?
375
00:28:57,049 --> 00:28:59,847
No. It's called blinking.
376
00:29:03,609 --> 00:29:07,397
- It's done it again, look.
- No. Missed it.
377
00:29:14,049 --> 00:29:16,802
There it goes!
378
00:29:19,969 --> 00:29:22,642
It's amazing, innit?
379
00:29:22,809 --> 00:29:24,800
Dear God.
380
00:29:24,969 --> 00:29:28,006
(PHONE RINGS)
381
00:29:28,169 --> 00:29:30,558
Trotters Independent Traders.
382
00:29:32,529 --> 00:29:35,487
Yeah? Thank you. We'll be right down.
383
00:29:36,489 --> 00:29:41,688
It's the manager of the Sopranos Pizza Parlour.
We've found Denzil.
384
00:29:50,249 --> 00:29:53,207
Denzil, me old mate.
385
00:29:53,369 --> 00:29:57,362
All right, Del?
All right, fellas. How's it going?
386
00:29:57,529 --> 00:30:01,966
Yes. Fine.
We were worried about you, me old mate.
387
00:30:02,129 --> 00:30:06,680
- Don't worry about me. I was just off...
- No, you sit down.
388
00:30:06,849 --> 00:30:09,647
Let's have a little chinwag, eh?
389
00:30:15,169 --> 00:30:18,161
Is there anything you'd like to tell us?
390
00:30:19,689 --> 00:30:22,647
We promise we won't be judgmental.
These things happen.
391
00:30:22,809 --> 00:30:26,324
- Who told you?
- Del worked it out.
392
00:30:26,489 --> 00:30:31,244
Yeah. Once Marlene went missing and so did you,
393
00:30:31,409 --> 00:30:35,880
you didn't have to be Jeremy Paxton
to work out you'd run off together.
394
00:30:37,009 --> 00:30:40,604
Run off with Marlene?
Have you gone mad or what?
395
00:30:42,049 --> 00:30:45,166
- Where've you been, then?
- In hospital.
396
00:30:45,329 --> 00:30:48,526
Hospital? Was there something wrong with you?
397
00:30:48,689 --> 00:30:52,841
- Of course there was something wrong.
- What?
398
00:30:54,689 --> 00:31:00,127
I don't want to talk about it, Del.
It's been with me for quite a while.
399
00:31:00,289 --> 00:31:06,159
I didn't say anything to you because...
I didn't want to admit it to myself.
400
00:31:07,689 --> 00:31:12,205
Finally, the doctor said
I'd got to have the operation or...
401
00:31:13,409 --> 00:31:15,127
Or what?
402
00:31:16,849 --> 00:31:20,398
Trigger, you don't need to ask that question.
403
00:31:20,569 --> 00:31:25,848
- If he says "or", you know what he means.
- What?
404
00:31:28,489 --> 00:31:31,765
I've had the operation and I'm feeling better.
405
00:31:31,929 --> 00:31:37,845
The specialist said it could always return.
I've just gotta live in hope.
406
00:31:40,489 --> 00:31:44,277
Let's get a drink. Four beers, please, over here.
407
00:31:45,409 --> 00:31:49,641
I didn't spot you lot lurking over here.
How's it all going?
408
00:31:49,809 --> 00:31:51,527
All right.
409
00:31:51,689 --> 00:31:56,444
You and me have got a mutual friend.
That young nurse - Jolene.
410
00:31:56,609 --> 00:32:00,238
I took her out.
She told me all about your case.
411
00:32:00,409 --> 00:32:04,163
I don't believe this.
It's supposed to be confidential.
412
00:32:04,329 --> 00:32:08,959
She'd had a couple of drinks.
I don't envy you at all, Denzil.
413
00:32:09,129 --> 00:32:11,768
My old granddad suffered with piles.
414
00:32:15,729 --> 00:32:19,608
- Piles?
- You've had piles?
415
00:32:19,769 --> 00:32:25,799
Us worried sick about you and all you'd got
was a touch of the Farmer Giles!
416
00:32:25,969 --> 00:32:29,120
Not piles, Derek - super-piles.
417
00:32:29,289 --> 00:32:32,599
All this fuss over a few haemorrhoids.
418
00:32:32,769 --> 00:32:35,408
Haemorrhoids? They were more like asteroids.
419
00:32:36,409 --> 00:32:38,877
Surgeon said it was keyhole surgery.
420
00:32:39,049 --> 00:32:43,884
Didn't say it was the keyhole
to the Tower of soddin' London!
421
00:32:44,049 --> 00:32:49,407
- You wanna see what he's done to me.
- No. I'll just take your word for it.
422
00:32:50,809 --> 00:32:53,118
So what's this about Marlene?
423
00:32:53,289 --> 00:32:57,885
- Nobody's seen her for a week.
- We thought she was having an affair.
424
00:32:58,049 --> 00:33:00,119
Funny you should say that.
425
00:33:00,289 --> 00:33:04,567
I was in town two weeks ago
and I saw Marlene with a fella.
426
00:33:04,729 --> 00:33:10,440
All dressed up - low-cut blouse,
high heels, full make-up, the lot.
427
00:33:10,609 --> 00:33:13,203
What does she see in a bloke like that?
428
00:33:16,449 --> 00:33:20,203
No, not the... He's talking about Marlene!
429
00:33:20,369 --> 00:33:23,725
- You are talking about her, aren't you?
- Yeah.
430
00:33:23,889 --> 00:33:27,928
So maybe Boycie found out
Marlene was having an affair.
431
00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:33,322
And then he took out
a very large life insurance policy on her.
432
00:33:38,889 --> 00:33:41,687
Hello, Boycie. Thought we'd pop in.
433
00:33:45,929 --> 00:33:52,198
You must appreciate I'm a very busy man,
so what can I do for you?
434
00:33:52,369 --> 00:33:57,045
- A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss.
- How's Marlene these days?
435
00:33:58,049 --> 00:34:02,281
- She's fine.
- It's just we haven't seen her around lately.
436
00:34:02,449 --> 00:34:06,522
No. That's because she's been away.
437
00:34:08,809 --> 00:34:10,606
I'll put the kettle on.
438
00:34:12,689 --> 00:34:15,681
- He's done her in.
- You don't know that.
439
00:34:15,849 --> 00:34:20,047
- What other explanation is there?
- Staying with friends?
440
00:34:20,209 --> 00:34:25,681
Don't be stupid. Who the hell's gonna have
Marlene in their house for a week?
441
00:34:26,849 --> 00:34:30,125
You be observant. This could make a nice film.
442
00:34:30,289 --> 00:34:33,486
We've got to be careful about what we say.
443
00:34:33,649 --> 00:34:38,359
We could be making a terrible mistake
and cause a lot of pain and distress.
444
00:34:38,529 --> 00:34:42,078
You're right. Subtlety is the order of the day.
445
00:34:42,249 --> 00:34:44,046
Absolutely.
446
00:34:48,409 --> 00:34:51,924
- Well?
- Right. Well, Boycie...
447
00:34:52,089 --> 00:34:56,446
I hope you won't take offence
by what I'm about to say, but...
448
00:34:56,609 --> 00:35:01,239
we think you've murdered Marlene
and buried her in the garden.
449
00:35:05,569 --> 00:35:07,685
Beautiful, Derek.
450
00:35:07,849 --> 00:35:12,479
How dare you? Murdered my wife
and buried her in the garden?
451
00:35:12,649 --> 00:35:15,117
I've never been so insulted!
452
00:35:15,289 --> 00:35:19,168
You know how much I've spent on that garden.
453
00:35:20,649 --> 00:35:25,325
Yeah. I never thought of that.
So what have you done with her, then?
454
00:35:25,489 --> 00:35:29,402
I have done nothing with her. She's upstairs.
455
00:35:29,569 --> 00:35:32,845
She's upstairs. What else is there to say?
456
00:35:33,009 --> 00:35:35,762
Dead or alive might help.
457
00:35:38,049 --> 00:35:43,806
Marlene and I will be down the pub tonight.
Then you'll have proof, Inspector.
458
00:35:45,169 --> 00:35:49,799
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have business to attend to.
459
00:35:57,369 --> 00:35:59,837
See you later, Marlene.
460
00:36:01,689 --> 00:36:04,487
She's probably asleep.
461
00:36:04,649 --> 00:36:07,721
Oh, yeah. Right.
462
00:36:07,889 --> 00:36:10,323
See you later, Marlene!
463
00:36:13,649 --> 00:36:16,209
She's a deep sleeper.
464
00:36:17,609 --> 00:36:20,077
She's dead to the world.
465
00:36:21,649 --> 00:36:24,527
See you tonight, Boycie.
466
00:36:25,529 --> 00:36:27,247
Bonjour.
467
00:36:38,569 --> 00:36:42,721
This is Ground Control to Major Tom
468
00:36:42,889 --> 00:36:46,518
You've really made the grade
469
00:36:46,689 --> 00:36:52,685
And the papers want to know
whose shirts you wear
470
00:36:52,849 --> 00:36:57,764
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare
471
00:36:59,809 --> 00:37:03,597
This is Major Tom to Ground Control
472
00:37:03,769 --> 00:37:07,364
I'm stepping through the door
473
00:37:07,529 --> 00:37:12,523
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way...
474
00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:17,444
- What's all this, Sid?
- It's like that Spanish place in Fulham.
475
00:37:17,609 --> 00:37:19,725
That's tapas. This is...
476
00:37:19,889 --> 00:37:23,325
- Well, it's not good, is it?
- It's English tapas.
477
00:37:23,489 --> 00:37:28,722
Does Mike know you're doing this?
I know he's inside, but it's still his pub.
478
00:37:28,889 --> 00:37:32,165
He said, "Treat the pub as if it were your own."
479
00:37:32,329 --> 00:37:37,084
That's just a figure of speech.
If you stay at someone's house, they say that.
480
00:37:37,249 --> 00:37:40,366
Doesn't mean you build a through lounge.
481
00:37:40,529 --> 00:37:45,125
- There it is. Take it or leave it.
- Thank God. We've got a choice.
482
00:37:48,569 --> 00:37:54,360
- Do you think Boycie will turn up?
- No. He'll be halfway across Europe now.
483
00:37:54,529 --> 00:37:57,601
Yeah. Grab the insurance money and run.
484
00:38:22,489 --> 00:38:24,286
Good evening.
485
00:38:24,449 --> 00:38:29,204
I know what you've been saying about me,
so I am here to prove you wrong.
486
00:38:29,369 --> 00:38:33,487
Would you all please greet my wife Marlene?
487
00:38:41,249 --> 00:38:43,683
Good evening, everyone.
488
00:38:43,849 --> 00:38:49,242
- Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
- This cost me a bloody fortune up west.
489
00:38:49,409 --> 00:38:52,003
You look like Brian May in a spin dryer.
490
00:38:53,409 --> 00:38:56,321
- Tell him!
- Ignore him.
491
00:38:57,329 --> 00:38:59,160
If I may, my dear?
492
00:39:07,729 --> 00:39:09,959
Entente cordiale!
493
00:39:12,329 --> 00:39:17,642
- Got a feeling this is gonna cause trouble.
- She'll have someone's eye out.
494
00:39:22,649 --> 00:39:28,565
(THEY SING "UNCHAINED MELODY")
495
00:39:30,569 --> 00:39:35,245
So that's where she's been -
up town getting a boob job.
496
00:39:35,409 --> 00:39:37,604
She has not had a boob job.
497
00:39:37,769 --> 00:39:42,968
- Leave it out. You brought a firm in.
- I have not brought a firm in.
498
00:39:43,129 --> 00:39:48,123
I'll call Twickenham,
see if they've got any balls missing.
499
00:39:48,289 --> 00:39:51,520
She has not had a boob job.
That's all natural.
500
00:39:51,689 --> 00:39:57,127
- She never used to have boobs that big.
- How the bloody hell do you know?
501
00:39:58,849 --> 00:40:01,807
- You told me.
- Oh, yeah.
502
00:40:03,289 --> 00:40:07,282
We got a dress designer in
who made the most of what was available.
503
00:40:07,449 --> 00:40:11,920
And who was the bloke
she was seen up town with the other week?
504
00:40:12,089 --> 00:40:14,557
That bloke? That bloke was...
505
00:40:14,729 --> 00:40:17,880
That bloke was er...
506
00:40:18,889 --> 00:40:23,360
- All right. That was her plastic surgeon.
- Aha! Now it comes out, eh?
507
00:40:23,529 --> 00:40:29,047
- I thought it'd bring us closer together.
- It'll have the opposite effect!
508
00:40:30,249 --> 00:40:32,763
I hope not. It was four grand a boob!
509
00:40:32,929 --> 00:40:35,363
How much did that cost you, then?
510
00:40:37,849 --> 00:40:40,443
About eight grand, Trig.
511
00:40:40,609 --> 00:40:42,247
Blimey!
512
00:40:47,729 --> 00:40:51,642
Must be horrible going round
with a couple of big boobies.
513
00:40:51,809 --> 00:40:54,277
Raquel and I are used to it!
514
00:40:57,089 --> 00:41:01,241
- Are they laughing at me?
- No. They're just having a good time.
515
00:41:01,409 --> 00:41:03,877
We'll see about that.
516
00:41:06,049 --> 00:41:09,837
Raquel, I'm so glad
you wore that dress again.
517
00:41:10,009 --> 00:41:12,523
It's always been one of my favourites.
518
00:41:12,689 --> 00:41:16,602
That reminds me, Boyce,
we've got to collect the curtains.
519
00:41:16,769 --> 00:41:22,082
Listen! And her looking like
one of those women you put over toilet rolls.
520
00:41:22,249 --> 00:41:26,083
- Did you hear what she said?
- Yes.
521
00:41:26,249 --> 00:41:30,037
Be fair, Raquel.
Marlene's made a big effort this evening.
522
00:41:30,209 --> 00:41:32,484
You can see a struggle's taken place.
523
00:41:34,609 --> 00:41:37,840
- She's been in that bedroom for hours.
- Shut up!
524
00:41:38,009 --> 00:41:41,365
I'm just trying to defend your honour.
525
00:41:41,529 --> 00:41:47,240
Trying to defend Marlene's honour?
What have you got in the shed? A time machine?
526
00:41:48,249 --> 00:41:53,164
You're just jealous because I can afford
surgery for my 40th birthday.
527
00:41:53,329 --> 00:41:59,768
When I met you you were pushing 40.
For the last few years you've been towing it!
528
00:41:59,929 --> 00:42:04,957
Right, that's it!
Raquel, get out of the pub. You're barred.
529
00:42:06,049 --> 00:42:10,327
- What are you talking about, Sid?
- Eh?
530
00:42:10,489 --> 00:42:14,960
- No. Marlene, get out. You're barred.
- I beg your pardon?!
531
00:42:15,129 --> 00:42:18,041
Get off home and take your foster tits with you.
532
00:42:19,369 --> 00:42:22,759
- Did you hear what he just said?!
- Yes.
533
00:42:22,929 --> 00:42:25,045
How dare you?
534
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:28,724
- We'll finish our drinks and...
- You'll get out now.
535
00:42:28,889 --> 00:42:30,925
- Right.
- Come along, Marlene.
536
00:42:31,089 --> 00:42:34,764
I've never been so insulted in my life.
537
00:42:36,569 --> 00:42:42,519
Sid, far be it for me to interfere,
but you're taking this a bit too seriously.
538
00:42:42,689 --> 00:42:47,444
- You're like Mussolini in a Harvester.
- I'm running this pub now.
539
00:42:47,609 --> 00:42:50,965
You shouldn't have banned Boycie and Marlene.
540
00:42:51,129 --> 00:42:55,520
- And why is that?
- Because it's their anniversary do.
541
00:43:00,049 --> 00:43:04,361
Excuse me! I am paying for all this.
542
00:43:04,529 --> 00:43:07,566
Right. Drinks all round.
543
00:43:27,329 --> 00:43:29,797
Raquel, where are you?
544
00:43:33,929 --> 00:43:37,683
You rotten, lying, devious, cheating man!
545
00:43:37,849 --> 00:43:41,637
- Have I upset you?
- I found that letter from the Official Receiver.
546
00:43:41,809 --> 00:43:45,722
Oh, right. Yeah.
I've come home to talk about that...
547
00:43:45,889 --> 00:43:49,438
You lied to me and to Rodney
about those letters.
548
00:43:49,609 --> 00:43:51,600
What letters?
549
00:43:54,209 --> 00:43:57,838
All right. These letters.
550
00:43:59,729 --> 00:44:04,849
"Cartwright, Cartwright & Cartwright,
Solicitors of Law." There's ten letters.
551
00:44:05,009 --> 00:44:09,446
- It looks worse than it is.
- Because half of them are Rodney's.
552
00:44:09,609 --> 00:44:12,567
You've been hiding
my personal correspondence?
553
00:44:12,729 --> 00:44:17,519
I just wanted to take the pressure off you
because of Cassandra and the baby.
554
00:44:17,689 --> 00:44:20,999
And you didn't tell me
the flat was being auctioned.
555
00:44:21,169 --> 00:44:23,444
You had all that ironing.
556
00:44:26,489 --> 00:44:32,803
It's been one bit of bad news after the other.
I was trying to protect you all.
557
00:44:32,969 --> 00:44:36,200
You're a control freak.
To you other people don't matter.
558
00:44:36,369 --> 00:44:39,964
- That is not true, sweetheart.
- You just step over them.
559
00:44:40,129 --> 00:44:46,125
And what do they do in return?
They love you so much they all try to help you.
560
00:44:46,289 --> 00:44:52,285
They all try to help me?
You wanted me to ask Boycie for a loan.
561
00:44:52,449 --> 00:44:55,088
That's the same as joining the Moonies.
562
00:44:55,249 --> 00:44:59,322
Rodney's trying to write
"Freddie Krueger And The Chocolate Factory"
563
00:44:59,489 --> 00:45:03,721
and Trigger's scratching his arse
with a chopstick!
564
00:45:04,729 --> 00:45:07,368
These people are supposed to help me?
565
00:45:07,529 --> 00:45:09,997
You ungrateful sod.
566
00:45:11,169 --> 00:45:14,844
At least I didn't suggest
forming a Hollywood film company.
567
00:45:15,849 --> 00:45:18,682
You're gonna wish you'd never said that.
568
00:45:18,849 --> 00:45:23,877
- Just bringing up a pertinent point.
- No. That's like bringing up a furball.
569
00:45:24,049 --> 00:45:26,768
You were going to form a film company?
570
00:45:26,929 --> 00:45:30,285
You see? Not me, him. Rodney.
571
00:45:30,449 --> 00:45:34,237
He wanted to make this film
about an uninhabited island
572
00:45:34,409 --> 00:45:36,604
with cavemen living on it.
573
00:45:36,769 --> 00:45:39,442
- How's it uninhabited, then?
- I don't know.
574
00:45:39,609 --> 00:45:45,923
- Then this jumbo jet lands.
- A jumbo jet? Where's the runway?
575
00:45:46,089 --> 00:45:50,401
- Well... I don't know.
- What's all this noise?
576
00:45:50,569 --> 00:45:53,879
You've got to hear the latest from these morons.
577
00:45:54,049 --> 00:45:56,609
They're going to make a Hollywood film.
578
00:45:56,769 --> 00:46:00,762
What was it? They land on
an uninhabited island in a jumbo jet.
579
00:46:00,929 --> 00:46:03,727
- Who do?
- Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts.
580
00:46:03,889 --> 00:46:07,848
- He wanted Julia Roberts.
- He wanted Liz Hurley and Jordan.
581
00:46:08,009 --> 00:46:13,959
How can you land a jumbo jet
on an uninhabited island? Where's the runway?
582
00:46:14,129 --> 00:46:18,202
Yeah. I dunno. Ask him here. Cecil B Demented.
583
00:46:24,369 --> 00:46:26,087
- I don't know.
- See?
584
00:46:26,249 --> 00:46:30,845
Maybe Fred Flintstone
and Barney Rubble knocked it up!
585
00:46:31,009 --> 00:46:35,002
And who was going to produce this masterpiece?
586
00:46:35,169 --> 00:46:37,808
Exactly. Alfred Stopcock here.
587
00:46:39,329 --> 00:46:42,207
So while we're worrying ourselves sick,
588
00:46:42,369 --> 00:46:48,046
these two are getting drunk
and dreaming of making a Hollywood film.
589
00:46:48,209 --> 00:46:52,361
- Listen to me, Raquel...
- No. You listen to me.
590
00:46:52,529 --> 00:46:57,728
You've got to make contact with reality.
Everything with you is image.
591
00:46:57,889 --> 00:47:03,009
I saw you in the pub. We're broke
and you threw money around like Elton John.
592
00:47:03,169 --> 00:47:09,438
And instead of finding work, you sit in this flat
pretending to be Quentin Tarantino.
593
00:47:09,609 --> 00:47:14,364
When we're in the Capri,
you have the windows up, even in a heatwave,
594
00:47:14,529 --> 00:47:17,680
to make it look like you've got air conditioning!
595
00:47:18,969 --> 00:47:24,168
- I know I'm not perfect...
- That is the understatement of the year!
596
00:47:24,329 --> 00:47:27,048
Unless a miracle happens, in ten days' time,
597
00:47:27,209 --> 00:47:33,000
my son and I are going to be living
in some bed and breakfast in Sodoffsville!
598
00:47:33,169 --> 00:47:38,926
If it's a miracle you want, then I'm your man.
I'm chairman of Miracles R Us.
599
00:47:39,089 --> 00:47:45,164
You're a man, Del! You'll never understand.
Just remember, only women bleed.
600
00:47:45,329 --> 00:47:48,799
Cor blimey! Only women bleed!
601
00:47:48,969 --> 00:47:50,960
Gordon Bennett!
602
00:47:53,769 --> 00:47:58,843
I am not a control freak.
It's just that I have had no choice.
603
00:47:59,849 --> 00:48:02,317
Do you realise that when I was 16,
604
00:48:02,489 --> 00:48:08,485
my old man walked out and left me
and Rodney with our daft old granddad?
605
00:48:08,649 --> 00:48:11,721
He tried his best, but he wasn't up to it.
606
00:48:13,449 --> 00:48:19,285
So I had to take over and I've been doing it
ever since and I can't get out of the habit.
607
00:48:22,929 --> 00:48:25,397
I'm gonna have a lie-down.
608
00:48:35,169 --> 00:48:37,000
All right?
609
00:48:38,009 --> 00:48:43,527
Yeah. Fine. Raquel and I
have had a quiet little chat.
610
00:48:43,689 --> 00:48:45,998
Yeah, I heard.
611
00:48:58,609 --> 00:49:02,648
You got somewhere to stay after the auction?
612
00:49:02,809 --> 00:49:05,721
Trigger said I could doss down at his place.
613
00:49:05,889 --> 00:49:12,124
There's not much room, what with
all those "X-File" videos and chopsticks.
614
00:49:13,489 --> 00:49:15,764
Oh, dear. Women.
615
00:49:15,929 --> 00:49:20,002
Do you know what Raquel said?
Only women bleed. Blimey!
616
00:49:20,169 --> 00:49:23,479
She ought to be outside the Nag's Head
on a Saturday night.
617
00:49:24,489 --> 00:49:29,085
They reckon they suffer.
They don't know what it's like to be a bloke.
618
00:49:29,249 --> 00:49:34,528
They worry about their PMT.
Us men worry about...
619
00:49:34,689 --> 00:49:37,157
- Our MOT?
- Yes.
620
00:49:37,329 --> 00:49:40,366
- Do they listen to us?
- No, they don't.
621
00:49:40,529 --> 00:49:45,683
No, they don't. She'll never meet
another bloke like me, will she?
622
00:49:47,089 --> 00:49:49,319
No, she won't.
623
00:49:50,409 --> 00:49:52,969
That's it, Rodney.
624
00:49:53,129 --> 00:49:59,967
Once the flat is auctioned...
we'll go our separate ways. I won't see her again.
625
00:50:00,129 --> 00:50:03,166
- Del, don't say that.
- No. That's it.
626
00:50:03,329 --> 00:50:09,438
She won't be able to get round me.
When my mind is made up, my mind is made up!
627
00:50:11,089 --> 00:50:13,444
(RAQUEL) Del?
628
00:50:13,609 --> 00:50:15,167
Yes.
629
00:50:15,329 --> 00:50:20,198
I just said I'm going for a lie-down.
630
00:50:30,769 --> 00:50:32,760
She's...
631
00:50:32,929 --> 00:50:36,285
She's all right really.
632
00:50:36,449 --> 00:50:39,361
She's lovely, isn't she, eh?
633
00:50:42,169 --> 00:50:44,729
Yeah. She's lovely.
634
00:51:24,739 --> 00:51:27,207
You're not with me tonight, are you?
635
00:51:27,379 --> 00:51:30,257
Sorry. Just thinking.
636
00:51:30,419 --> 00:51:32,808
I know you're worried about losing the flat,
637
00:51:32,979 --> 00:51:36,494
but my mum and dad
said we're welcome there.
638
00:51:36,659 --> 00:51:40,652
- I know you and my mum don't...
- That's great. Thanks.
639
00:51:42,859 --> 00:51:45,851
- I can't eat.
- What's wrong?
640
00:51:46,019 --> 00:51:48,613
Nothing. I'm just not hungry.
641
00:51:48,779 --> 00:51:51,612
I refuse to have this baby till you tell me.
642
00:51:53,619 --> 00:52:00,092
Take a look at this.
It's the Jolly Boys' outing to Margate. July 1960.
643
00:52:00,259 --> 00:52:04,138
This is great. Is that Del?
644
00:52:04,299 --> 00:52:06,893
Yeah. 15.
645
00:52:07,059 --> 00:52:09,778
And Trigger. Look at Trigger.
646
00:52:09,939 --> 00:52:13,978
- Keep looking.
- That must be Boycie. Those eyes.
647
00:52:14,139 --> 00:52:20,009
- And Denzil. Look at his hair!
- Yeah. Keep looking.
648
00:52:20,179 --> 00:52:23,967
There's your granddad. Ah. And there's you...
649
00:52:26,259 --> 00:52:28,011
Yeah.
650
00:52:29,859 --> 00:52:33,772
July 1960. Before I was born.
651
00:52:43,419 --> 00:52:48,254
- Where is everyone?
- I'm in the bathroom. Dinner's in the oven.
652
00:52:48,419 --> 00:52:50,216
All right.
653
00:53:06,139 --> 00:53:08,175
Dear, oh, dear...
654
00:53:10,659 --> 00:53:13,127
Bloody hell.
655
00:53:14,419 --> 00:53:17,058
So who is he?
656
00:53:17,219 --> 00:53:19,289
He's my father.
657
00:53:19,459 --> 00:53:23,088
- But your father is...
- My real father.
658
00:53:23,259 --> 00:53:26,410
My biological old man.
659
00:53:27,419 --> 00:53:30,456
I've had my suspicions for years.
660
00:53:30,619 --> 00:53:34,089
People tried to convince me
it was my imagination.
661
00:53:36,499 --> 00:53:43,052
His name was Freddie the Frog. He'd been
a Royal Navy diver, hence the nickname.
662
00:53:43,219 --> 00:53:47,451
He and my mum were... friends.
663
00:53:47,619 --> 00:53:50,053
Are you absolutely certain?
664
00:53:50,219 --> 00:53:55,657
Look at the photo, Cass.
We don't need DNA with this one.
665
00:54:01,539 --> 00:54:05,612
All right? What's the first name
that springs to mind?
666
00:54:05,779 --> 00:54:08,896
Well... Rodney.
667
00:54:09,059 --> 00:54:11,368
Exactly. Rodney.
668
00:54:13,139 --> 00:54:16,097
Who is he?
669
00:54:16,259 --> 00:54:21,492
His name was Freddie Robdal.
He was a mate of my dad's.
670
00:54:22,499 --> 00:54:26,208
My mum was having a rough time
with the old man.
671
00:54:26,379 --> 00:54:30,372
He was very handy,
if you know what I mean, with women.
672
00:54:30,539 --> 00:54:35,818
Not much cop when it came to men,
but a hard nut with women and kids.
673
00:54:36,819 --> 00:54:39,379
One day my dad brought Freddie home
674
00:54:39,539 --> 00:54:42,770
and him and my mum got on
like a house on fire.
675
00:54:42,939 --> 00:54:47,888
They had the same taste in music
and... well, everything.
676
00:54:48,059 --> 00:54:51,415
And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?
677
00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:56,448
He was a gentleman safe-cracker.
They called him the Raffles of Peckham.
678
00:54:58,019 --> 00:55:02,012
People have mentioned him before
and we sounded similar.
679
00:55:02,179 --> 00:55:06,457
He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet,
680
00:55:06,619 --> 00:55:10,737
a real snappy dresser, big-time charmer.
681
00:55:10,899 --> 00:55:13,333
So how are you similar?
682
00:55:16,259 --> 00:55:18,295
We're about the same height.
683
00:55:19,779 --> 00:55:23,249
Where's Freddie the Frog or Daddy now?
684
00:55:23,419 --> 00:55:30,177
He's dead. Back in '64, he was breaking
into a safe and he sat on the detonator.
685
00:55:30,339 --> 00:55:33,854
He sat on the detonator? Why?
686
00:55:34,019 --> 00:55:38,854
I think it's what's known,
in the underworld, as "an accident".
687
00:55:41,939 --> 00:55:44,851
And you've known all these years?
688
00:55:45,019 --> 00:55:49,570
No. At least, not when Rodney was a baby.
689
00:55:49,739 --> 00:55:54,369
When you get to 20
and your six-year-old brother is taller than you,
690
00:55:54,539 --> 00:55:57,178
it makes you think.
691
00:55:57,339 --> 00:56:00,411
I never knew really who he was.
692
00:56:00,579 --> 00:56:04,572
As a youngster,
I was told to call him Uncle Fred.
693
00:56:04,739 --> 00:56:10,291
Then a few years back,
Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do...
694
00:56:10,459 --> 00:56:13,496
It was a wet corset contest.
695
00:56:15,979 --> 00:56:21,258
Anyway, he told me
all about Freddie and my mum.
696
00:56:25,219 --> 00:56:30,498
I don't know if you noticed, but there are
no photographs of my mum in this house,
697
00:56:30,659 --> 00:56:34,095
except for a couple of close-ups.
698
00:56:34,259 --> 00:56:37,615
I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.
699
00:56:37,779 --> 00:56:43,251
No. He only used to take money
and things that he could sell.
700
00:56:43,419 --> 00:56:46,172
Then Uncle Albert told me.
701
00:56:47,259 --> 00:56:52,891
It was my Aunt Rene who dealt with it
just after Mum's funeral.
702
00:56:53,899 --> 00:56:59,531
Every photograph in this house
had a picture of Freddie Robdal in it.
703
00:56:59,699 --> 00:57:02,771
My Aunt Rene knew that as Rodney got older,
704
00:57:02,939 --> 00:57:06,249
people would see the stimularities...
705
00:57:07,979 --> 00:57:09,970
...so she burnt 'em.
706
00:57:10,139 --> 00:57:12,130
Do you think Rodney knows?
707
00:57:14,339 --> 00:57:17,012
He's never been very observant, has he?
708
00:57:17,179 --> 00:57:20,137
Nah. He ain't got a clue.
709
00:57:22,179 --> 00:57:26,457
- Do you think Del knows?
- He would have said.
710
00:57:26,619 --> 00:57:30,089
- Are you gonna tell him?
- No.
711
00:57:32,219 --> 00:57:34,687
It'd break his heart.
712
00:57:36,819 --> 00:57:39,617
Will you say anything to Rodney?
713
00:57:41,059 --> 00:57:45,291
I can't. It'd break his heart.
714
00:57:59,739 --> 00:58:03,937
- Who have we got to see?
- Cartwright.
715
00:58:04,099 --> 00:58:06,738
What do you think he wants?
716
00:58:06,899 --> 00:58:12,132
You've asked me that a hundred times
and a hundred times I've said I don't know.
717
00:58:12,299 --> 00:58:16,292
Well, think hard.
We don't want to go in there unarmed.
718
00:58:16,459 --> 00:58:20,611
If we know what you did,
we can have our excuses ready.
719
00:58:20,779 --> 00:58:22,815
I've done nothing but think.
720
00:58:22,979 --> 00:58:28,611
All I know is that every business decision,
every tactical move that I've ever made,
721
00:58:28,779 --> 00:58:31,930
we've already been done for.
722
00:58:32,099 --> 00:58:34,897
It's probably nothing.
723
00:58:35,059 --> 00:58:38,813
Del, solicitors don't send you ten letters
for nothing.
724
00:58:38,979 --> 00:58:42,813
This is something
and my instincts say it's something bad.
725
00:58:46,419 --> 00:58:50,697
- We're gonna go to prison.
- Shut up, you tart. We're not.
726
00:58:50,859 --> 00:58:55,808
Cassandra's going to be bringing my baby
to visit me in Wormwood Scrubs.
727
00:58:55,979 --> 00:58:59,733
And you know the fun they get up to in prison.
728
00:58:59,899 --> 00:59:04,734
You can guarantee I'm gonna be a prime target.
729
00:59:04,899 --> 00:59:09,131
I hope they put us in separate cells,
you depressing git.
730
00:59:09,299 --> 00:59:14,817
How do you expect me to feel?
In a few weeks I could be someone's bitch!
731
00:59:17,179 --> 00:59:22,936
Some great big ugly geezer's
gonna choose me to be his special friend.
732
00:59:23,099 --> 00:59:26,774
All you've got to say is, "Oi! None of that."
733
00:59:26,939 --> 00:59:29,612
He'll say, "I'll look after you, Rodney."
734
00:59:29,779 --> 00:59:34,409
He'll lend me his Rolling Stones CD
and then we'll be engaged.
735
00:59:34,579 --> 00:59:37,173
At least we'll have a party, then.
736
00:59:38,699 --> 00:59:41,259
I'll ask for solitary confinement.
737
00:59:41,419 --> 00:59:46,095
No, don't do that.
You don't want a reputation as a tease.
738
00:59:49,099 --> 00:59:53,809
- You're enjoying this.
- Just listen to me, dopey.
739
00:59:53,979 --> 00:59:57,574
The lawyer has asked us to come in for a chat.
740
00:59:57,739 --> 01:00:03,974
This whatever it is is a civil matter.
You only go to prison for a criminal offence.
741
01:00:04,139 --> 01:00:10,578
That means a police prosecution.
Do you see any Mr Plods around here?
742
01:00:10,739 --> 01:00:16,609
Yes. I'm so stupid.
I just let my imagination run away with itself.
743
01:00:19,979 --> 01:00:26,498
- But if the worst comes to the worst...
- All right. I'll go in the showers first.
744
01:00:32,339 --> 01:00:36,127
- I've been doing a bit of thinking.
- Mm?
745
01:00:36,299 --> 01:00:39,291
You know that photo that Sid lent me...
746
01:00:40,499 --> 01:00:43,855
Gentlemen? Mr Cartwright will see you now.
747
01:00:56,819 --> 01:01:01,813
Gentlemen, please take a seat.
So... at last we meet.
748
01:01:02,939 --> 01:01:08,138
You two have proved very elusive.
I've been writing to you for three months.
749
01:01:08,299 --> 01:01:14,329
- Yes. Sorry about that. We've been busy.
- We've had a few problems recently.
750
01:01:14,499 --> 01:01:20,017
I heard. I took the liberty of speaking
to your solicitor. He related a tale of woe.
751
01:01:20,179 --> 01:01:24,730
The international stock market
can be a fickle thing.
752
01:01:24,899 --> 01:01:27,732
No. I was referring to his unpaid bill.
753
01:01:29,179 --> 01:01:34,936
Oh. We were discussing that
out in your waiting room. It's in the post.
754
01:01:35,099 --> 01:01:38,648
I'm sure. Let's attend to the matter at hand.
755
01:01:38,819 --> 01:01:41,617
Can't you just tell us the worst?
756
01:01:41,779 --> 01:01:46,807
Tell us what you're suing us for
and we'll tell you why we can't pay.
757
01:01:46,979 --> 01:01:51,018
Mr Trotter, you seem to be
under the wrong impression.
758
01:01:51,179 --> 01:01:55,457
Did you read my letters?
I said I had something that may be of interest.
759
01:01:55,619 --> 01:02:00,170
My firm acted as solicitors for your great-uncle,
Albert Gladstone Trotter.
760
01:02:00,339 --> 01:02:02,807
Oh, no.
761
01:02:02,979 --> 01:02:07,052
All right. What did he do?
762
01:02:07,219 --> 01:02:12,373
Nothing, as far as I know.
This is a reading of his last will and testament.
763
01:02:13,859 --> 01:02:16,771
- Albert left a will?
- He didn't have nothing.
764
01:02:16,939 --> 01:02:18,930
Well, not quite.
765
01:02:19,099 --> 01:02:23,968
When you came into your fortune,
you made Albert a very generous gift.
766
01:02:24,139 --> 01:02:27,051
Yeah. We saw that he was all right.
767
01:02:27,219 --> 01:02:32,896
But that would be six years ago.
He's probably blown all that.
768
01:02:33,059 --> 01:02:38,133
Not entirely. As you know,
Albert lived a very simple life.
769
01:02:38,299 --> 01:02:41,416
He didn't buy properties or Rolls-Royces,
770
01:02:41,579 --> 01:02:45,208
didn't care for Caribbean holidays
or Hawaiian cruises.
771
01:02:45,379 --> 01:02:50,931
He simply invested your gift, and in
a far more stable area than you managed to.
772
01:02:51,099 --> 01:02:55,456
All his investments were blue-chip -
not very exciting, but stable,
773
01:02:55,619 --> 01:02:58,656
and bringing in a small interest.
774
01:02:58,819 --> 01:03:01,287
He's left his entire estate to you.
775
01:03:01,459 --> 01:03:05,691
Before I do the legal reading,
let's cut to the chase.
776
01:03:05,859 --> 01:03:11,411
After death duties,
he has left you the sum of P145,000.
777
01:03:15,059 --> 01:03:17,448
Er... each.
778
01:03:21,819 --> 01:03:24,287
(MOBILE RINGS)
779
01:03:28,779 --> 01:03:34,058
Hello? Raquel. Raquel!
You'll never guess. We're saved.
780
01:03:34,219 --> 01:03:38,292
It was all about Uncle Albert and his will. Hm?
781
01:03:39,299 --> 01:03:40,971
We're on our way.
782
01:03:42,659 --> 01:03:45,537
She's in delivery room ten.
783
01:03:46,739 --> 01:03:49,572
- I don't know if I can face this.
- Course you can.
784
01:03:49,739 --> 01:03:54,130
You gotta be there for the birth.
You'll never forgive yourself.
785
01:03:54,299 --> 01:03:56,813
- No, you're right.
- Here y'are.
786
01:03:57,819 --> 01:04:01,095
This is it. Give us your coat.
787
01:04:02,299 --> 01:04:05,848
Good boy. Right. Go on, then.
788
01:04:14,699 --> 01:04:17,850
Oh, bloody hell.
789
01:04:18,019 --> 01:04:20,010
I'm sorry.
790
01:04:22,619 --> 01:04:26,737
What are you playing at?
You just wander in for a look?
791
01:04:26,899 --> 01:04:32,053
- It weren't like that. I... I'm sorry.
- Bleedin' perv!
792
01:04:37,539 --> 01:04:40,770
It was room 16, not ten.
793
01:04:40,939 --> 01:04:46,093
- I nearly got a punch on the nose.
- Shut up, you tart. Come on.
794
01:04:50,579 --> 01:04:52,774
- Rodney...
- I gotta be there for the birth.
795
01:04:52,939 --> 01:04:57,091
- You can't be there for the birth.
- What?
796
01:04:58,779 --> 01:05:01,851
They've had to give Cassandra
a Caesarean section.
797
01:05:02,019 --> 01:05:06,092
- What's happened to my baby?
- The baby's been delivered.
798
01:05:06,259 --> 01:05:08,454
Mother and child are fine.
799
01:05:13,979 --> 01:05:16,209
Mr Trotter?
800
01:05:29,739 --> 01:05:34,290
- Are you all right, sweetheart?
- I've never felt better in my life.
801
01:05:46,699 --> 01:05:50,089
Well... What do you reckon?
802
01:05:52,939 --> 01:05:55,658
She's like a work of art.
803
01:05:57,099 --> 01:06:01,251
Yeah. Lovely jubbly.
804
01:06:23,459 --> 01:06:26,531
What are you gonna call her?
805
01:06:26,699 --> 01:06:29,532
I don't know yet.
806
01:06:29,699 --> 01:06:34,090
Me and Cass had this agreement.
If it was a boy, she'd name him.
807
01:06:34,259 --> 01:06:40,129
- If it was a girl, I could name her.
- You're not going to hold me to that?
808
01:06:41,899 --> 01:06:43,378
Oh, yeah.
809
01:07:02,259 --> 01:07:06,047
What were you saying on the phone
about Uncle Albert?
810
01:07:06,219 --> 01:07:10,098
Oh, I'll explain it all later.
811
01:07:10,259 --> 01:07:16,050
All I'll say is the auctioneers can go
and stuff themselves 'cause we are staying put.
812
01:07:25,419 --> 01:07:26,898
Del.
813
01:07:44,539 --> 01:07:47,007
A work of art.
814
01:07:48,419 --> 01:07:51,013
Yes, you are.
815
01:08:19,739 --> 01:08:23,527
Did you love him? Did he love you?
816
01:08:26,219 --> 01:08:30,451
I hope he made you happy.
You know... a few laughs.
817
01:08:33,699 --> 01:08:36,293
I've got two photos of you.
818
01:08:37,299 --> 01:08:40,814
But that's it. That's my past.
819
01:08:41,659 --> 01:08:45,891
My history is two photos. One of them's blurred.
820
01:08:48,259 --> 01:08:51,092
Don't matter.
821
01:08:54,819 --> 01:08:57,811
I hope she'll be as lovely as you.
822
01:08:57,979 --> 01:09:00,447
Well, she will.
823
01:09:03,539 --> 01:09:08,249
I wish I'd known you. I wish we'd had...
824
01:09:10,059 --> 01:09:12,892
Well, you know, something to...
825
01:09:13,059 --> 01:09:16,131
(CAR APPROACHING)
826
01:09:16,299 --> 01:09:19,018
Just something.
827
01:09:27,019 --> 01:09:30,568
If you bump into Uncle Albert, say thanks.
828
01:09:34,819 --> 01:09:39,415
There you are, Rodney.
I've been looking for you.
829
01:09:39,579 --> 01:09:44,175
I thought I'd take her out for a walk.
Did a bit of tidying up.
830
01:09:47,179 --> 01:09:50,535
She's a little heartbreaker, eh?
831
01:09:51,819 --> 01:09:55,289
- Have you got a name for her yet?
- Mm.
832
01:10:20,019 --> 01:10:22,487
Joan. Do you like your name?
833
01:10:26,419 --> 01:10:28,887
Del, can I ask you a question?
834
01:10:31,339 --> 01:10:33,728
What's that?
835
01:10:35,859 --> 01:10:40,569
Other than looks, was he like me in any way?
836
01:10:41,739 --> 01:10:46,096
- Who?
- You know who. Freddie Robdal.
837
01:10:47,739 --> 01:10:49,730
My father.
838
01:10:51,859 --> 01:10:56,489
Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar.
839
01:10:56,659 --> 01:10:58,968
He was disloyal to his friends.
840
01:10:59,139 --> 01:11:02,814
He was a womaniser,
a home-breaker, a con man,
841
01:11:02,979 --> 01:11:06,016
a thief, a liar and a cheat.
842
01:11:07,499 --> 01:11:12,289
So, no, Rodney, you're nothing like him.
843
01:11:15,779 --> 01:11:18,851
Come on. Let's go home, bruv.
844
01:11:36,019 --> 01:11:40,012
- Can I ask you a question, Rodders?
- Fire away.
845
01:11:40,179 --> 01:11:42,977
Where did that runway come from?
846
01:11:43,139 --> 01:11:46,256
(LAUGHTER)
847
01:11:46,419 --> 01:11:48,979
I don't fancy making that film any more.
848
01:11:49,139 --> 01:11:53,178
You know what, Rodders?
That's a bloody good idea.
849
01:11:58,979 --> 01:12:02,494
We've got some half-price cracked ice
and miles and miles of carpet tiles
850
01:12:02,659 --> 01:12:05,651
TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
851
01:12:05,819 --> 01:12:08,572
Ball games, gold chains,
what's-their-names and at a push
852
01:12:08,739 --> 01:12:11,617
Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
from a mush in Shepherd's Bush
853
01:12:11,779 --> 01:12:14,452
Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
854
01:12:14,619 --> 01:12:17,417
No income tax, no VAT
855
01:12:17,579 --> 01:12:20,776
No money back, no guarantee
856
01:12:20,939 --> 01:12:23,692
Black or white, rich or broke
857
01:12:23,859 --> 01:12:28,375
We'll cut prices at a stroke
858
01:12:28,539 --> 01:12:31,497
God bless Hooky Street!
859
01:12:31,659 --> 01:12:34,537
Viva Hooky Street!
860
01:12:34,699 --> 01:12:37,054
Long live Hooky Street!
861
01:12:37,219 --> 01:12:40,655
C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!
862
01:12:40,819 --> 01:12:44,175
Magnifique, Hooky Street!
863
01:12:45,459 --> 01:12:47,256
Hooky Street
864
01:12:48,539 --> 01:12:50,336
Hooky Street
865
01:12:51,659 --> 01:12:53,297
Hooky Street...
866
01:12:54,357 --> 01:13:00,572
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