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1
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:07,741
All right. We're gonna
just start off with
some questions.
2
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,477
Anything at all.
Just fire away.
3
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:10,911
Yeah, Jim.
4
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,346
How will
the school's rider
5
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:13,714
to the appropriations bill
6
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,417
affect a possible veto
by the mayor?
7
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,886
I don't know.
Larry.
8
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:21,922
How does the city
plan to handle
the inevitable clash
9
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,891
between the mayor's
quality of life campaign
10
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,893
and the strain
it places on
individual rights?
11
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,962
Look, I'm taking questions
up here, not riddles,
okay, people?
12
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:31,799
Mr. Mayor.
13
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,103
Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
14
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:38,506
We are pleased
to announce that our
rat eradication program
15
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,942
is not only
difficult to say,
16
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,311
but has proven
highly effective
17
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,246
in reducing
the rat population
in the city.
18
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,915
So, New Yorkers,
your cheese is safe.
19
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,117
(BOTH LAUGH)
20
00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:50,484
(SNORTING)
21
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:53,087
Your cheese
is safe.
22
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,091
You wanna
take over here, Mike?
I'm getting nothing.
23
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,227
Thank you,
Mr. Mayor.
24
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:01,362
Last night, in an
around-the-clock effort,
25
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:02,963
city workers
were able
to eliminate
26
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:05,533
one million rats
from New York City.
27
00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:07,635
We tried
to be as humane
as possible.
28
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:11,139
In fact, the lucky
millionth rat
was set free,
29
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:13,241
and given
a year's supply of
moldy crackerjacks.
30
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,644
So if you see
a rat covered
in caramel
31
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,612
wearing one
of those cool
fake tattoos,
32
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:21,782
say congratulations,
and then smash him
with a brick.
33
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,952
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
34
00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:47,608
Last order
of business.
35
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:48,876
Nikki, Stacy,
I think it's great
that you offered
36
00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:50,411
to give the Italian
water polo team
37
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,846
a tour of the office,
but since when does
the official tour
38
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,749
of City Hall
end in a hot tub
at the Four Seasons?
39
00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:00,654
I never understood
why they call it
a washboard stomach,
40
00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:02,690
but the way
the water
trickles down...
41
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,625
I think we can
move on now.
42
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,760
Let the
woman finish.
43
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:11,232
Okay, unless anyone
has anything else...
44
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:12,300
Uh, Paul's
wedding gift.
45
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,834
(CHUCKLES) oh, guys.
46
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:14,935
Oh, yeah.
47
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:17,638
We haven't
even started
shopping, Mike,
48
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:20,374
because we haven't
gotten Stuart's
share yet.
49
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:24,278
Hey, beside the fact
that I don't like Paul
that much... No offence.
50
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:25,979
None taken.
51
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:28,716
I lost my shirt
in that bar venture.
52
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,384
All right, guys,
just get him
something
53
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,985
with whatever
money we have.
54
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,889
Mike, about
that press conference
this morning.
55
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,459
What would you say
if people decided that
they didn't like squirrels
56
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:39,660
and just started
killing them off?
57
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,829
Squirrels
are just rats
with good PR.
58
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:43,864
You can't
play God, Mike.
59
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:46,033
Oh, no, that's what
attracted me to the job.
60
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:49,370
Wanted: young
college graduate
to play God.
61
00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:51,805
I just don't think
we had a right to kill
all those rats.
62
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,474
We just put
the poison out.
63
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:55,743
They killed
themselves.
64
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:59,146
The sad thing?
We'll never know
what drove them to it.
65
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:06,454
James,
check out my ad
in the classifieds.
66
00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:08,456
Let's see.
67
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,991
"Lovely
well-built architect
seeks to build bridges..."
68
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:13,927
No, no, no.
The one next to it.
But circle that one.
69
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,465
Hey, wow!
Why are you looking
for a roommate?
70
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:18,999
Well, Stuart
wasn't the only one
71
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:22,970
who lost his shirt
in that bar thing.
I can't cover my rent.
72
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,338
Well, if things
are that tight, Carter,
73
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,374
why don't you
just borrow money
from your parents?
74
00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:27,941
Uh, because
I'm a grown-up.
75
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:32,780
Hey, Stacy.
76
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,715
How's it going?
77
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:38,018
I can't believe you're
touching my desk
with your butt.
78
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:39,887
I do it every morning
before you come in.
79
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:44,525
I got evicted,
and I need a place
to stay for a few days
80
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,327
until I
find something
I can afford.
81
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,297
It would be
the perfect excuse.
82
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,733
No, my building
doesn't allow...
83
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,968
Wait. Why am I
sugar-coating this? No.
84
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:56,737
You know,
Carter's actually...
85
00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:58,572
No, no, no.
Uh-uh.
86
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:00,308
Got the
classifieds there?
87
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,876
Yes. I'm
buying a boat.
88
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:05,579
What about
you, Nikki?
89
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:06,914
I'm down
on my luck,
and I'm broke.
90
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,982
I just need a place
to crash for a while.
91
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,585
Sorry, I've fallen
for that line way
too many times.
92
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,557
Hey, this guy
you're dating
sounds pretty cool.
93
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:18,326
You mean
Dr. Cash?
94
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:21,128
He's not a doctor,
he's a veterinarian.
95
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,931
I ran it
past my mom.
She said it counts.
96
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,066
Guys, maybe
one of us should
take Stuart in.
97
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:28,469
All right, fine.
Why don't we
just draw straws?
98
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:29,570
I love this!
99
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:31,872
I remember
the first time I drew straws.
100
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:33,674
It was
with my brothers
in high school.
101
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,544
I ended up
taking my mom
to the senior prom.
102
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,547
James,
that is so sad.
103
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,048
What do
you mean?
I won.
104
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:49,723
What are
you doing?
105
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,559
Drawing straws.
106
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,428
Oh. Who won?
107
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:56,397
Everyone else.
108
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:14,748
(SCREAMS)
109
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:15,816
(GLASS SHATTERS)
110
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:16,884
What, what, what?
111
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:19,787
A rat!
A big rat!
112
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,623
This thing
was the size
of a dingo!
113
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,959
Let me go
get my cat
Mr. Buttons.
114
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,027
He's perfect
for the job.
115
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,095
Wait a minute, Paul.
116
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,797
Didn't Mr. Buttons
get beaten up
117
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:31,699
by one of his own
squeaky toys?
118
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:34,101
That's not fair.
Because I put in
the wrong-size battery,
119
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:35,503
the thing
went haywire.
120
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,638
Go get Mr. Buttons.
121
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:40,040
It's no coincidence
the rat showed up
here, Mike.
122
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,443
I think he knows
what you did.
123
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:44,745
You know,
that's funny,
124
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,848
because
he looked me
right in the eyes.
125
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,116
See, this is what
I'm talking about.
126
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,618
And then,
do you know
what he did?
127
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:54,121
He got up
on his haunches,
128
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:57,324
and he shook
his little
rat fist at me,
129
00:05:57,425 --> 00:06:01,562
And he said,
"I have a brain
the size of a peanut,
130
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,432
"and so does
your speech writer."
131
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:09,503
Rats can't talk.
132
00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:15,008
I would like for you
to meet my doctor...
133
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:19,480
I mean my Neil...
Dr. Neil.
134
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:22,249
Mr. Mayor. Wow.
I'm a big admirer
of yours.
135
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,652
Really?
Have you ever
sent me a letter?
136
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:28,922
No, sir,
I haven't.
137
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,323
Oh.
138
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:32,460
(BEEPING)
139
00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:34,562
Oh! Oh, that must be
your beeper, honey.
140
00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:38,265
See, as a doctor,
he has to constantly
be on call.
141
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:40,233
Must be
some kind of
medical emergency.
142
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,035
Oh, sorry, sweetie.
Gotta run.
143
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,370
Hair ball.
144
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,207
How cool
is that?
145
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,209
I'm finally
dating a guy
with a beeper.
146
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,878
You know, I should
have a beeper.
147
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,379
I should always
be available
148
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,314
to make those
split-second
decisions.
149
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,850
I'll pick one up.
Do you want
black or gray?
150
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,151
Better
let me sleep
on that.
151
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,255
Ooh, hey, Paul.
152
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:03,824
What's with
the throat pillow?
153
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:08,395
This... This is
my attack cat,
Mr. Buttons.
154
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:12,365
Ah, ah, ah!
Watch the hands!
155
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:14,034
No, it's been
contracted
156
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,803
to kill the rat
in Mike's office.
157
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,104
Paul, you can't
go in there.
158
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:18,371
I hid your wedding
present in there.
159
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:21,374
What a gyp.
All right,
Mr. Buttons,
160
00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:24,377
Lock and load.
You're goin' in.
161
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:28,115
I'll tell you
one thing.
162
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,017
I'd hate to be
that rat tonight.
163
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,521
(MR. BUTTONS YOWLING)
164
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,164
Ah!
165
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,866
Home, gay, home.
166
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,337
Where should
I put these?
167
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,040
How about back
in the seventies?
168
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:56,043
Aw, come on.
169
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,445
I know
you're looking
for a roommate.
170
00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:00,013
We're meant
for each other.
171
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,015
Huh.
172
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:04,785
(SIGHS)
173
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,920
This chair should
face the television,
not the couch.
174
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,956
Uh, uh,
okay, okay.
175
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:12,259
Stuart, let's play
a little game.
176
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,861
Let's pretend
that this is
my apartment,
177
00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:17,130
and I get to have
everything the way
I want it all the time.
178
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,769
Okay. So where am I
bedding down?
179
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,871
Hey, keep...
180
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:27,407
In my darkroom.
Boxed up
all my photo equi...
181
00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,177
Equipment.
Please feel free
182
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,345
to change
the red light bulb
if you want.
183
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,982
There's a red light bulb
in there? Sweet.
184
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:38,719
Shall I
set up a cot,
185
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,588
or would you prefer
to hang upside down
in the corner?
186
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,056
Checkmate!
187
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,157
Ah, ah!
188
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,427
Stuart, I have
some rules.
189
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,029
First, no visitors.
190
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,163
Second, I'm up at 7:15.
191
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,932
I'm up at 7:15,
I'm in the shower
by 7:20.
192
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,366
I'm out by 7:47.
193
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,035
A 27-minute shower?
194
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,070
If you had hair,
you'd have to
get up at 4:00.
195
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,142
Oh, hey, Paul.
196
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,179
Mr. Mayor!
197
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,615
What are you
doing here, sir?
198
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,182
Well, sometimes
I stay late
199
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,751
and snoop around
in people's desks.
200
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,493
What are you
doing here?
201
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:21,795
Same.
202
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:26,967
They hid
my wedding present
in Mike's office.
203
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,736
(SCREAMING)
204
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:29,937
Oh, my God!
205
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:33,040
Ugh. Who left
a bloody veal shank
on the floor?
206
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:38,445
Oh, my God,
it's Mr. Buttons!
Dial 911!
207
00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:39,947
What's
going on here?
208
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:41,649
Oh, here.
Call 911.
209
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,751
It's Mr. Buttons!
Hurry!
210
00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:47,655
Oh, my God.
It's Silence Of
The Lambs in there!
211
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:51,158
I'll beep Neil.
This is so exciting!
212
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,193
I mean, not about
your cat being maimed...
I mean, just the...
213
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,195
Would you just
beep him, woman?
214
00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,667
I can't find
my organizer.
215
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,201
(SIGHS)
216
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,569
Do I have
to do everything?
217
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,610
Ah, this music video
is amazing.
218
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:12,012
I mean, consider
the dichotomy.
219
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,514
The lyrics
are so raw,
so angry,
220
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,316
and yet the image
is of a mother
221
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:19,219
letting her friend's son
stay for dinner. (BLOWS KISS)
222
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,990
Carter, I muted
the television and
turned up the radio.
223
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,125
This is a stovetop
stuffing commercial.
224
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:31,799
Oh.
225
00:10:31,899 --> 00:10:33,066
Don't worry
about it.
226
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,935
You're cute
when you're
trying to show off.
227
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,569
I'll get us
a couple
more beers.
228
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,739
Hey, grab
a foreign and
a domestic...
229
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:40,874
You know,
for the dichotomy.
230
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,575
Okay, now
you're pushing it.
231
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:45,679
Oh!
232
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,580
You're supposed
to be gone for
another three hours.
233
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:50,650
It's pouring out,
and I have
no money.
234
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,153
I'm, really,
really sorry.
235
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,255
Okay, see you
in three hours.
236
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,523
(COUGHS)
237
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:57,991
(SNIFFLES)
238
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:05,799
Fine, fine. Just...
Just stay out
of the way.
239
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,334
You won't
even know
I'm here.
240
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:11,138
Who's the chick?
241
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,745
Hey, if you guys
need to talk, I...
242
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:21,114
No, no. I'll just
eat my burger.
243
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:23,784
You guys
just do...
244
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,787
whatever
it is you do.
245
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,424
Oh, hey.
The Yankees are
down one in the ninth.
246
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,492
Derek Jeter's out.
247
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,661
Cool. What's
the count?
248
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,329
Uh, he's
got three balls.
249
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,769
(STUART THINKING)
Don't say it.
250
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,871
One more, and
there'd be enough
for both you guys.
251
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:59,186
You know what?
Maybe we should
just call it a night.
252
00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:00,087
Christopher,
wait, wait.
253
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,689
It's okay.
I'll... Call you.
254
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,257
Christopher,
you're...
255
00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:08,796
I'm sorry.
I couldn't
help myself.
256
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:13,533
Get out!
Hey!
257
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:16,669
Carter!
I swear, no more
infantile remarks.
258
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:18,972
Really?
Hey, O'Neil is up.
259
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,808
Man, I hope
he strokes
a long one.
260
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,042
I'll bet you do.
261
00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:30,117
I know Mr. Buttons.
He's gonna
pull through.
262
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,418
He's a fighter.
263
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:34,087
Apparently not
a very good one.
264
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:38,391
You know
what hurts
the most
265
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,393
is the way that
malicious rodent
266
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,896
Just stripped him
of his dignity!
267
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:45,098
He didn't lose
his dignity.
268
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:48,035
Claudia,
the rat took
his tail!
269
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:52,039
Can you help me move
the rest of my stuff in
this afternoon?
270
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,040
No, Stuart.
271
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,407
You don't
seem to
understand.
272
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:55,575
I threw you out
for good.
273
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,077
You can't
throw me out,
Carter.
274
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:58,645
You're broke.
You need
a roommate.
275
00:12:58,745 --> 00:13:00,413
Besides, you're never
gonna find anyone else
to live with you.
276
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:01,915
Oh, and how
do you know that?
277
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:03,450
I took your ad
out of the paper.
278
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:09,356
Hi. I'm Susan. I called
about the apartment.
279
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:10,557
Are you
Carter Heywood?
280
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:11,925
Yes, I am.
281
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:15,028
I'll just need
your credit report
282
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,965
and confirmation
that you're
into devil worship.
283
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:23,003
Thanks anyway.
284
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:27,707
That wasn't Susan.
285
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:28,909
Yeah.
286
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,511
Run,
woman, run!
287
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,723
I thought
you two
went home.
288
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:47,427
I have returned to avenge
the senseless maiming
of my beloved friend.
289
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:51,131
We just came
to take out a rat.
290
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,166
Why do guys use
that fake macho voice
291
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:55,335
when they talk
about killing
something?
292
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:56,636
(IN MACHO VOICE)
I don't know, baby.
293
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,107
We just do.
294
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,143
How're you doing, Paulie?
What do you got?
295
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:07,447
Tennis racket,
knee pads,
baseball bat.
296
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,650
We're not going
to summer camp, Paul.
297
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:12,385
All right,
what do you got?
298
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:16,089
I got spring traps.
I got rat poison.
I got glue traps.
299
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,325
How do
those glue traps
work anyway, huh?
300
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:23,330
Well, your
dumber animals
301
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:26,366
just, sort of,
wander onto them
and get stuck.
302
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,636
You gotta be careful
with this stuff, Paulie.
303
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,238
These are
not toys.
304
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:32,605
(SNAPPING SOUND)
305
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:40,613
See, now this...
This is very painful.
306
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,085
Well, Susan,
it says here
307
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:47,154
that you enjoy
gourmet cooking...
Mm-hmm.
308
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:50,457
...cleaning, and travel.
309
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,792
Travel should be listed
under "occupation."
310
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,061
I'm a stewardess.
311
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:56,596
So I guess
that means you won't
be around very much.
312
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:59,532
At the most,
about eight days
out of the month.
313
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:03,170
And did I mention
I can get my friends
free airline tickets?
314
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,438
(CARTER AND SUSAN
LAUGHING)
315
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:12,079
Um... I'll replace
all those pop tarts
I ate.
316
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:16,016
Oh. Um...
317
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:20,753
All right, Stuart,
you listed
your turn-ons
318
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,123
as fast women,
fast cars,
319
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:26,159
and southern
fried rock.
320
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,061
I think
the choice
is clear.
321
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:31,764
Sorry, Susan.
The exits are
located at the front
322
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,733
and the rear
of the bar.
323
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,338
Congratulations, Susan.
You can move in
whenever you want.
324
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:40,140
Thank you, Carter.
325
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,810
All right, Paulie.
Make your sweep.
326
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,713
Copy that,
red leader.
327
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:51,384
Mike, if I
see a rat,
328
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:54,087
how will I know
it's the right one?
329
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:56,889
He'll be wearing
Mr. Button's tail
on his head.
330
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:03,630
Revenge,
thy name
is Lassiter.
331
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,166
Hey, look
behind you!
332
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,035
(SCREAMING)
333
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:09,769
Mike, I'm here
to protect the rat.
334
00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:11,671
Oh, don't
worry, James.
335
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:15,408
We'll be humane.
We're just gonna
wait him out,
336
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:18,511
and then we're gonna
smack the cheese
out of him.
337
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:20,280
I'm afraid I can't let
you do that, Mike.
338
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:24,684
All right, listen.
You just keep quiet,
and don't interfere.
339
00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:27,287
Mike, I'm here
to interfere.
340
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:31,424
Well, then,
we're at an impasse.
341
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:33,426
Go sit
behind my desk.
342
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:38,865
PAUL: What's that
over there?
343
00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:40,133
There he is,
Mike!
344
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,069
Big swing,
Paulie!
345
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,537
(CRASHING, BANGING)
346
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:55,548
That's not a rat.
347
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:59,086
Actually, that was
your wedding present.
348
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:02,922
It's got a remote.
349
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:07,227
From the very first time
Susan and I spoke,
350
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:09,562
I knew we had
a lot in common.
351
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,464
(CHUCKLING)
352
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:14,367
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
353
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:15,935
(GASPS)
354
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:23,943
You certainly had
the same taste
in furniture.
355
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,214
She took
everything.
356
00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:29,116
She left
my bean bag
and lamp...
357
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,585
So I'm good.
358
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,022
Claudia and I
359
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,591
have just returned
from the small
animal hospital.
360
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,461
It's the hospital
that's small.
361
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,430
They treat animals
of all sizes.
362
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:50,970
The point is,
Mr. Buttons
wasn't there.
363
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:54,040
Well, I'm sure
that Neil probably
took Mr. Buttons
364
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,608
to his
private clinic.
365
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,644
That would've been
hard for Neil.
366
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:01,248
Neil's not
a doctor.
367
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,049
But you said
you were a vet.
368
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:06,153
I am. I was
in the Gulf War.
369
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:08,788
You know, I took
a camera crew
over there
370
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,390
thinking it would be
a good photo op,
371
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:12,892
and just to save face,
I had to give
372
00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,927
my certificate
of valor
to a ferret.
373
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:21,168
By the way,
ferrets don't like
flash photography.
374
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:29,809
So you
win again, Mike.
375
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:35,682
Another helpless creature
falls victim to your madness.
376
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:38,050
How does that
make you feel?
377
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:40,987
Like dancin'.
378
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,655
Whoo!
Dead rat.
379
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,058
It's the poison,
Mike.
380
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:49,196
Poor little guy
made it halfway
into the bullpen.
381
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:52,532
Now, that's
courage.
382
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,101
Well, I'm
very sorry, James,
383
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:56,203
and I know that
for you
384
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:58,070
that rat stood
for something
385
00:18:58,205 --> 00:19:00,373
much more than
the cat-bashing
386
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,642
bag o'plague
that he was.
387
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,819
Uh, forget
about it, Mike.
I was just being silly.
388
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,555
No, no, James,
no, no.
389
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:16,623
It's very
important
390
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,791
that you stick up
for your ideals.
391
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,960
Right, Mike.
Big lesson.
392
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,365
Do me favor.
Toss that thing
in the trash, will you?
393
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:27,734
Yeah.
Right away, Mike.
394
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,806
(WHISTLING)
395
00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:37,677
(CHAIR CREAKING)
396
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:54,261
(SIGHS)
What a nightmare.
397
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:57,297
Oh, man,
I'm exhausted.
398
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:58,731
Sit in
the bean bag.
399
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,502
I'm not
sitting in
that ridiculous...
400
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,371
Aw, come on,
you've been
up all night.
401
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:05,505
Stuart, I...
No.
402
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:08,608
(GROANS)
403
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,110
Wow, this is
really comfortable.
404
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:14,080
The only down side
is it sticks to your butt
when you're naked.
405
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:17,384
(GROANING)
406
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,987
I want out,
I want out,
I want out!
407
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:24,123
Come on. We've only
got 15 minutes
to get to work.
408
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,259
I can't believe this
has happened to me.
409
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,295
Ah...
410
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:30,763
It'll be okay,
buddy.
411
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,632
And if that woman
ever shows
her face again,
412
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,701
I will unleash
a punishment
upon her
413
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,703
she cannot
even fathom.
414
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,738
Yeah, what are you
gonna do, date her?
415
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:42,375
Gonna try.
416
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,979
(CHUCKLING)
You try to
convince everybody
417
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:50,550
that you only care about
yourself, but you don't.
418
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:52,985
I mean,
you stayed up
with me all night.
419
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,454
I had to.
420
00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:55,888
She took
my cot.
421
00:20:57,189 --> 00:20:59,225
The bottom line is,
you're looking for
a place to live,
422
00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:02,895
and I'm looking for someone
who won't steal my stuff.
423
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:04,464
If you want me
to live here
with you,
424
00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:06,232
you're gonna have
to ask me nice.
425
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:09,201
Fine. Stuart...
426
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,038
You can move in.
427
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:14,341
Come on,
put some sugar
on it, daddy.
428
00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:17,710
Stuart, it would
give my life great joy
and meaning
429
00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:20,012
if you would pay
half my rent
every month,
430
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:21,348
and try not
to bother me.
431
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,384
I'm in!
432
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:27,354
But the bean bag
goes in my room.
433
00:21:27,387 --> 00:21:29,922
Great. Then we won't
have a problem
with giants breaking in
434
00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:31,524
and juggling
the furniture.
435
00:21:35,895 --> 00:21:39,566
Mr. Buttons.
Oh, my God!
436
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:42,935
What have they
done to you?
437
00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:46,038
You're not supposed
to shave the whole cat.
438
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:49,208
I have no medical
training, okay?
439
00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:52,979
His... His tail seems
a little off-center there.
440
00:21:54,547 --> 00:21:56,949
It's in
the right area.
441
00:21:58,184 --> 00:22:00,052
The right area?
442
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:03,155
It's Mr. Buttons,
not Mr. Potato Head.
31969
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