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1
00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:07,741
NARRATOR: Previously
on Spin city.
2
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,010
I can't tell you
how much fun I'm having
on this trip.
3
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:13,081
Well, I can't tell you
how much fun it's been
having you here.
4
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:14,415
Hi.
5
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,017
Mom.
6
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,519
I said freeze!
7
00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,388
(GUN FIRES)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
8
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,258
I heard some poor guy
9
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,460
standing near
the candy machines
got hit.
10
00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:36,904
When I bite into
a York Peppermint Patty,
11
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,107
I get shot.
12
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,642
Okay, people,
here is our problem.
13
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:45,045
The Mayor was caught
handing money to
a known prostitute.
14
00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,814
You lost me my job.
15
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:49,983
My lawyer says
I have an open
and shut case.
16
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,019
See you in court,
sonny.
17
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,124
You cannot believe
what I've been
through tonight.
18
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:58,292
I have spent
the whole night
scouring the city
19
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,561
searching for
the Mayor.
20
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,263
Hey, is that
breakfast?
21
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:07,668
There he is.
22
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,138
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
23
00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,727
Good morning, people.
ALL: Good morning.
24
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,630
All right. I'm sure
we're all focused
on the same problem,
25
00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:37,965
So let's get
right down to it.
26
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:39,567
Mr. Fluffy,
27
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,002
the children's
zoo mascot,
28
00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:43,171
has recovered
from mange
29
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,474
And is now available
for petting.
30
00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:48,242
However, until
he's completely
out of the woods,
31
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,544
there is
a two-stroke maximum.
32
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:53,581
Mr. Scruffy's speedy recovery
notwithstanding...
33
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:54,982
It's Mr. Fluffy,
Carter.
34
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:56,617
I've seen him, Mike.
His fluffy days
35
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,085
are way behind him.
36
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,588
Don't we still have
that tiny problem
37
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:02,323
with the photo of the Mayor
with the prostitute?
38
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,957
No, that's
over with, I...
39
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:04,992
I found the Mayor.
40
00:02:05,092 --> 00:02:06,427
He was not with
a prostitute last night,
41
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:09,663
so our strategy
in dealing with this
is straight denial.
42
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,699
What do I say if somebody
asks me about this?
43
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,334
You tell them you
don't know anything.
44
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:14,768
But I don't
Know anything.
45
00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:17,271
Very good.
46
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:18,406
Hope you all
learned from James.
47
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,573
Learned what?
48
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,742
Will you stop
showing off?
49
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:23,977
What about
the picture,
Mike?
50
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:27,548
A simple misunderstanding,
media distortion, uh...
51
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,783
tabloid
sensationalism.
52
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,286
I don't know, Mike.
I saw the Mayor
this morning,
53
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:33,454
and he didn't
look like a man
54
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:34,822
that had spent
the night alone.
55
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:37,090
I'm happy to report,
he is alone
56
00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:39,059
and unloved.
57
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:40,561
All right, let's move on to
something a little lighter.
58
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,730
Hey, Paul.
How's your
head wound?
59
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,367
Hank still
suing you, Paul?
60
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,569
Yes. But...
61
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,638
The last thing
I need here is
a lot of publicity
62
00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,873
about one
City Hall employee
suing another one.
63
00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,342
Here's the thing.
64
00:02:56,677 --> 00:03:01,949
I have already applied
and been accepted on
65
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:05,253
Ed Koch's
The People's Court,
taping this afternoon.
66
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,821
Please tell me
if you lose,
you go to jail.
67
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:13,126
Here it is,
my family's
Thanksgiving recipe
68
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:15,095
for the best
sweet potato pie
in the world.
69
00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,831
Mmm.
Guard it
with your life.
70
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:21,168
This is a xeroxed page
from The Joy of Cooking.
71
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:24,505
That book's been
in our family for years.
72
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,674
I can't wait
to go home
for Thanksgiving.
73
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:30,010
I love the whole thing.
You know, a little
snow on the ground,
74
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,646
a little
touch football game
before dinner.
75
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,182
Get to sit at
the kiddie table.
76
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,351
You still sit at
the kiddie table?
77
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,454
Big fish,
small pond.
78
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,823
Thanksgiving at my house
is nothing but a bunch of
79
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,925
fat, over-stuffed
drunks sitting
in front of a TV
80
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,295
turned up so loud,
they can't hear each other.
81
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,531
Oh, and me in the bedroom
rifling through their jackets.
82
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:55,903
So, that's five days
and four nights
at the Bahamas Hilton, huh?
83
00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:58,706
Is the continental breakfast
included in that?
84
00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,409
Excellent.
Thank you.
85
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:04,144
Your family's
going to the Bahamas
for Thanksgiving?
86
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:06,213
I hope not,
because that's where
I'm gonna be.
87
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:08,015
So you're not gonna
spend Thanksgiving
With your parents?
88
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:11,852
The only mama
I want to see
is the Bahama Mama.
89
00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:14,021
What is this,
some kind of
fruity Club Med?
90
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:17,157
Actually,
it's a very secluded
part of the island.
91
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,760
Nothing but palm trees,
warm sand,
92
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:22,463
me, three books,
and my towel.
93
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:23,797
Mmm.
94
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,333
I have
a towel.
95
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,535
I could get
a book.
96
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:31,104
Oh, no.
No. No.
97
00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:34,141
(SINGING)
* Day-o, da-ay-o
98
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,343
Oh, no.
99
00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:37,345
* Daylight come
and me wanna go home *
100
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:39,146
See, you're all singing,
but you're not going.
101
00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:41,014
* Hey, Mister Tallyman
102
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,584
You're thinking
of traveling with me
on my vacation,
103
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:44,885
but that
ain't happening.
104
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,220
So you can
stop singing.
105
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:51,392
I'm sure
you're feeling
uncomfortable.
106
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,162
Sir, with
all due respect,
107
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:58,632
sitting on
a red hot poker
is uncomfortable.
108
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,702
This is
excruciating.
109
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:02,936
Maybe we
should just
110
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,405
put it on
the back burner
for a whi...
111
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:07,140
I was kind of hoping
you could explain
that picture.
112
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,643
Well, I was asking
for change.
113
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:13,113
How was I supposed
to know she was
a prostitute?
114
00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:14,948
Sir, what does she
look like to you?
115
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:16,384
She reminds me
of that woman
116
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,752
that Stuart brought
to the governor's ball.
117
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:21,389
Oh.
118
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,593
Thank goodness
we can explain
this whole situation.
119
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:26,694
I think I can
handle this
120
00:05:26,794 --> 00:05:28,496
without bringing
my mother into it.
121
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,798
I...
I was, uh,
122
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:33,066
wanting to save
subjecting her sex life
123
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,069
to the scrutiny of
the New York press
for her Christmas visit.
124
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,505
Oh, she's coming
for Christmas.
125
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,509
Uh... Sir,
if you don't mind,
126
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,411
my mother's in there,
and I was kind of hoping
127
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,546
we'd have a little
mother-son bonding.
128
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:46,847
Can I at least
say "hi"?
129
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,417
I think you've had
your quality time.
130
00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:55,556
Hey, Ma.
131
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:58,626
Mike, honey, I am
so unbelievably sorry.
132
00:05:58,726 --> 00:05:59,760
Just a minute.
133
00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:01,929
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
134
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,432
Still bonding, sir.
135
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:05,533
MAYOR:
I'm sorry.
136
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,302
Good morning,
Mommy.
137
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:11,472
Oh, it's fake
happy Mike.
138
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,206
You're angry.
139
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:14,742
Mom.
140
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:16,444
Honey, I can't believe
what an awkward position
I've put you in.
141
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:19,046
Believe me,
I never planned
for this to happen.
142
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,214
I know. I made
your schedule.
143
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:23,784
This was
not on it.
144
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,352
PAUL: Stacey.
145
00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:27,154
I've been looking
high and low for you.
146
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:30,323
Well, maybe you should
try getting out
of your chair.
147
00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:32,092
It'll increase
your odds.
148
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,461
No, Stacey,
Stacey,
149
00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:35,729
I need you to
testify for me
at the People's Court.
150
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,466
Oh, listen Van Gogh,
151
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,133
I can't possibly
take off work.
152
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,169
I'm sorry.
It's a definite "no".
153
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,472
All right, I'll go
On TV myself. Fine.
154
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:47,775
National TV?
155
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:48,842
Yeah.
156
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,210
Millions of
cute guys watching?
157
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,312
Uh-huh.
158
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:53,581
All right,
I'll do it.
159
00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:56,884
Here, I want you
to look at these
books, okay?
160
00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:59,620
Now, I've highlighted
some of the cases
that are similar to mine,
161
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,523
And I've made some notes
on some questions that
they're likely to ask.
162
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,758
You know what you do?
Call up the law library,
163
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:08,328
see if they can dig up
some legal precedence
that we can cite.
164
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:09,897
I'm on it,
Paulie.
165
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,099
Yeah, Ma?
166
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,334
I'm gonna
be on TV.
167
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:17,404
Yeah, no,
I don't know,
some stupid thing.
168
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:20,073
We just got together
to talk, you know,
like old friends!
169
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,174
And the next thing
you know,
170
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,510
we wind up in
my hotel room.
171
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,377
If this conversation
goes any further,
172
00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:27,548
I may be forced
to go on a tri-state
killing spree.
173
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:30,150
I don't blame you.
174
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,919
You're embarrassed.
175
00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:33,954
No, look,
It's all right.
176
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:37,024
Growing up together,
we had embarrassing
moments all the time.
177
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,526
We did not.
178
00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:40,794
When I lost
my virginity?
179
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,329
You walked in,
180
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,031
mid-lose.
181
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:47,234
That was
an honest mistake.
182
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,436
Mom, you stayed
and talked.
183
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,438
She seemed
a bit confused.
184
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,542
So you swear
I didn't cause you
185
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:56,544
any big problems
here at work?
186
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:57,845
Mike, here's
the morning papers
187
00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,112
with a really big picture...
You know what?
188
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:00,914
I read those,
uh, yesterday.
189
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:07,555
Mom, you did not
cause me any
problems. Okay?
190
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,558
There is no reason
that you should feel bad
about any of this.
191
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:13,561
I just want you to know
The last thing I thought
Would happen on my visit,
192
00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:17,030
that I'd wind up
sleeping with the mayor
of New York City.
193
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,571
Did we forget
to knock?
194
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,808
I know, I know,
we all have different
last names.
195
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:31,645
No, they're
not my family.
They're just...
196
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:33,446
Friends.
197
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,383
I know, I know,
bad idea.
198
00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:38,018
Stuart,
I don't
feel well.
199
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:40,588
Knowing about Mike's mom
and the Mayor
is killing me.
200
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,055
James,
secrets are power.
201
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:44,592
You get something
good like this,
you sit on it.
202
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,059
Right now,
you leak it,
203
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:47,995
it's just office gossip
that makes everyone
uncomfortable.
204
00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:50,998
But, in 20 years,
when Mike's running
for president,
205
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:54,735
this little gem gets me
an ambassadorship
to Sweden.
206
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:56,403
What do I get?
207
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,972
A topless postcard
from Sweden.
208
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,342
We just connected,
you know?
209
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,377
The Mayor is really
an amazing man.
210
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:07,114
He's... He's smart,
He's funny,
211
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,381
He's sweet.
212
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,684
You know, if you
thought about it,
you'd see.
213
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,221
I guess it's kind of
uncomfortable
214
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,056
talking to your
mother about sex.
215
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:19,092
Oh, no, Mom,
I've been looking
forward to this day.
216
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,729
Before I give them
the last digit of
my credit card number,
217
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:25,032
to confirm
this ill-conceived
and non-refundable
218
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,867
mistake of
a vacation,
219
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,368
are you all sure?
220
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:31,438
ALL: Bahamas! Bahamas!
Bahamas! Bahamas!
221
00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:33,106
I'll book it
if you promise
222
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,942
never to chant
"Bahamas" again.
223
00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:37,945
(WHISPERING)
Okay, okay,
okay, okay
224
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:39,680
(WHISPERING)
Stop.
225
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:40,681
Eight.
226
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:43,283
(SCOFFS) All right,
thank you.
227
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:44,785
(CLEARS THROAT)
It's done.
228
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:46,253
(ALL CHEERING)
229
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,555
Block of rooms,
garden view.
230
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:50,423
Wait a second,
garden view?
231
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,726
That's the opposite
of ocean view.
232
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,662
Hey, foxy lady,
you want to come back
233
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:57,264
to my
garden view room?
234
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:58,732
I asked for
the garden.
235
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,935
The noise from
the ocean keeps me
up at night.
236
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,837
So would the noise
from my foxy lady,
237
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,640
if I had
an ocean view room.
238
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,678
Hey, Stacey, any chance
the national media
239
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:12,746
has picked up
on the story
with the Mayor?
240
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:16,349
Uh, Ma, yeah, I gotta go.
The Mayor pulled
an Uncle Louie last night.
241
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,785
Um, nothing national,
242
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:19,920
but did you see
the headline in
The Post?
243
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,756
"His Honor was on her."
244
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,558
Very clever.
245
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,661
Jason's really
killing us.
Sorry, Mike.
246
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:28,996
It doesn't matter.
It's under control.
247
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,164
I got Jason coming
over here right now.
248
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,366
Jason's
coming up here?
249
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:34,835
Damn, I hate
this tie.
250
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:38,138
Hey, Mike.
Carter.
251
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:39,707
Great tie.
252
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,675
Yes.
253
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,610
Listen, Jason,
about this story
in the morning paper...
254
00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:44,978
I thought
it was great,
by the way.
255
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,880
You didn't think
it was too wordy?
256
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,481
Why are you
so hard on yourself?
257
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:50,517
You're so talented.
I tell you
258
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,619
(CARTER AND JASON
TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)
259
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,623
Please.
260
00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,058
Okay, here's the deal.
261
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,460
I have an explanation
for this picture,
262
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,729
and I'm gonna
back it up
263
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,831
as soon as this hooker
comes in here
264
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:06,533
and tells you
she was not with
the Mayor last night.
265
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,468
I'm having the police
pick her up right now.
266
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:09,837
On what charge?
267
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,338
I don't know, James.
Let's keep our
Fingers crossed
268
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:12,806
and hope she does
something illegal
269
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:16,076
while she's trying to
get people to pay her
to have sex.
270
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:19,212
Don't bother, Mike.
I already talked to her.
271
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:20,513
And she's
writing a book
272
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,449
detailing her five-year
relationship with the Mayor.
273
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:23,550
Sorry, buddy.
274
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:24,785
No. Jason, wait.
275
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,754
Carter, uh...
Do something.
276
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:30,157
So, we still on
for tonight?
277
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,761
She's lying, Jason.
278
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:35,628
How could you
possibly know that?
279
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,798
Do you have
some kind of alibi?
280
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,335
No.
281
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,071
No, I don't.
282
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:48,675
Mike's mom is
the perfect alibi.
283
00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:50,177
Should I go
remind him?
284
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,780
Only if you're bucking
for promotion.
285
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:06,794
Wait a minute.
286
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,028
So close!
287
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:13,801
STUART: Hey.
288
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,668
Stuart.
289
00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:16,870
I'm sure you have
an impressive array
290
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,306
of "your mom slept
With the mayor" jokes.
291
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,408
Let me assure you
the punch line to
every one of them
292
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,376
is "Mike,
let go of my neck."
293
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,047
I'm not here
to make jokes.
294
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:29,382
There will be
plenty of time
for that later.
295
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,686
So, how do these little
heart-to-hearts work?
296
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,555
First, you gotta
get yourself a heart.
297
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,063
I think I know what
you're feeling, Mike.
298
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:46,033
After my parents
got divorced, uh,
299
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:49,069
my mom would
bring guys home
300
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,938
and fool around
with them.
301
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:53,073
It really
bugged me.
302
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,876
That's because you lived
in a studio apartment.
303
00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:59,212
It's amazing
I came away
304
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:01,548
with such a healthy
attitude toward
the chicks.
305
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,221
I just wish I had
a sister for you.
306
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,024
Look, that's not
my problem, Stu.
307
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,026
I just love
my mom too much
308
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,661
to throw her
into this mess.
309
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,463
Well, you know,
Mike,
310
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,298
there comes a time
311
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,869
when you gotta
let people
312
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,670
make their own
decisions
313
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:26,473
and make their
own mistakes,
314
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:30,878
and you have to trust
that your mom is
gonna find her way.
315
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,379
That's beautiful,
Stuart.
316
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:35,515
Thank you.
317
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:38,351
James wrote that,
didn't he?
318
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:42,589
Yeah, but it was
my idea.
319
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,893
Sure it wasn't
Nikki's idea?
320
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:48,728
Hey, I'm in here,
all right?
321
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:50,530
(COURT TV
THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
322
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,900
NARRATOR:
This sweet old man
is the plaintiff,
323
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,902
Hank Dorsett.
324
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,037
ALL: Aw!
325
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:02,209
NARRATOR: He claims he was
wrongfully terminated
326
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,444
because of the actions
of the defendant.
327
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:08,281
He's suing for $2500
to help him get by
328
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:11,018
until his
social security
Kicks in.
329
00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:15,255
Meet the defendant,
Paul Lassiter.
330
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,358
ALL: Boo!
331
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,930
NARRATOR: He says he was
minding his own business
332
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,531
at a City Hall
candy machine
333
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:27,467
when the plaintiff
grazed him with a bullet.
334
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:30,103
He stands accused
of costing Hank his job
335
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,538
by filing a complaint
336
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:34,507
over a routine
and unavoidable
Workplace injury.
337
00:14:35,842 --> 00:14:36,944
All rise.
338
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:38,611
The People's Court
is now in session.
339
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:41,081
The honorable
Edward I. Koch
is now presiding.
340
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,782
Be seated
and come
to order.
341
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:45,085
Good day.
Good day.
342
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:47,120
I've taken a look
at the case,
343
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,821
and it appears
to be clear
344
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,257
what the problem is.
345
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:51,458
So, Hank,
346
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,326
why don't you tell us
your side of the story?
347
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:57,164
Well, I was hoping that
my lawyer would be
here to help me.
348
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,034
NARRATOR: This is
Alan Dershowitz.
349
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,436
He's doing this
as a favor for Hank
350
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:07,707
who saved Mr. Dershowitz's
father's life during the war.
351
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,776
I'm sorry
I'm late, Ed.
352
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:12,379
No problem, Alan.
353
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:14,714
Your Honor,
I object!
354
00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:16,449
He has a lawyer!
355
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,552
He has
Alan Dershowitz!
356
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,789
Okay, vacation buddies.
I've done it,
357
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:26,159
And I think I managed
to accommodate everyone.
358
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,062
(CLEARS THROAT)
One garden view room,
359
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,999
one pool view room,
one ocean view room.
360
00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:33,400
Group meals.
361
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,136
Vegetarian,
meat and potatoes,
362
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,705
kosher. I like
the way it tastes.
363
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,209
And we're sitting
364
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:46,279
in whatever section
has the hottest waitress.
365
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,415
Carter,
I'm very impressed.
366
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,417
(ALL CLAMORING EXCITEDLY)
367
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,419
Okay, Stuart,
you and James
have a room.
368
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,454
Uh, Janelle,
you and Nikki
have a room.
369
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:57,924
And I have my own room.
See you on the beach.
370
00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,926
Wait a minute,
"Mr. I have my own room
371
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,262
"and then turn
and walk away."
372
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,431
Oh, come on, guys.
This is gonna be great.
373
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:05,898
Let's, uh,
try to keep it
together.
374
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:08,035
Together. That's a very
interesting choice of words
375
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,769
from someone
who's rooming alone.
376
00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,139
Fine.
377
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:14,541
James, you can take
the single room.
378
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,343
Stuart and I will
room together.
379
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:19,612
So now the little plan
comes into focus.
380
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:22,449
Why doesn't one of us
get the single room?
381
00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:23,750
Yeah,
that sounds fair.
382
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:27,254
Fine. Janelle, you can
have the single room.
383
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:28,621
When I said "one of us",
I meant "one of me."
384
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,357
Oh, you know what?
I have had it!
385
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:32,425
(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)
386
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,529
Why wouldn't
you say anything?
387
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,898
I mean, didn't you realize
that sooner or later
388
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:41,168
I was gonna find out
about the prostitute story?
389
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:42,969
I tried to
keep her busy, Mike.
390
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,679
I was just trying
to protect you, Mom.
391
00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:54,347
MACY: I can't tell you
how much it hurts me
392
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:57,150
to realize that
you don't think
I can handle this.
393
00:16:57,250 --> 00:17:00,087
You don't think
I can fend for myself.
394
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:01,388
No, I just...
I just
395
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,755
I love you, Mom.
396
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,392
He really does.
He says so
all the time.
397
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:09,429
Sir, if you don't mind,
I'd really be more
comfortable
398
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,631
if you just stayed out
of this part.
399
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,500
No problem.
400
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,138
Honey, you've been
very protective of me
401
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:19,572
ever since your father
and I split up,
402
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:22,209
and I am very
grateful for that.
403
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,411
You've got
to recognize
404
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:26,679
how strong I am.
405
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:31,784
So let me...
Let me fix this
for you.
406
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:35,322
Okay.
407
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:36,889
(CLEARS THROAT)
I can do that.
408
00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:40,127
Promise me
one thing. Okay?
409
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:41,594
You name it.
410
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,765
Promise me
that you'll never,
411
00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,134
ever
412
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,269
have sex
with anyone
413
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:50,803
for as long
as you live.
414
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,273
It's a deal.
415
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:54,674
MAYOR: Aw.
416
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:57,944
Your Honor, before
we go any further,
417
00:17:58,044 --> 00:18:00,347
I just...
I want to
say one thing.
418
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:05,017
I'm being sued
for getting shot
in the head!
419
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,053
And?
420
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,522
Maybe I could
shed some light
on this.
421
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,324
Yeah, that's right.
She was there.
422
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,793
She saw the whole thing.
Tell him, Stace.
423
00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:14,927
STACEY: Hi.
424
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,497
I'm Stacey Paterno.
425
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:18,831
Twenty-three.
426
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,168
On the morning
in question,
427
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:24,837
I was single,
as I am now.
428
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,174
I arrived
at City Hall
429
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:29,642
where I am making
good money.
430
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:33,213
I believe I was wearing
a tasteful outfit,
431
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,081
showing off
my nice figure.
432
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:40,420
And I plan on keeping it
even after I'm married.
433
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,523
Thank you for
your testimony,
Ms. Paterno.
434
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,358
Yeah, thanks for
Your help, Stace.
435
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,593
Your Honor,
please,
436
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:49,028
I have a written statement
from the doctor.
437
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,498
I have the results
from the ballistics test.
438
00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:55,001
I've lost 30%
of the hearing
in my right ear.
439
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:57,537
Ed, I don't have a list
of those exhibits.
440
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,239
Motion to suppress!
441
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:01,574
Granted!
442
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:04,076
He shot me
in the head!
443
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:07,013
All right. I've spoken
to the resort.
444
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:08,515
I've spoken to
my travel agent.
445
00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:10,550
I've spoken
to my priest.
446
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:11,984
This cannot
be worked out.
447
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,886
I've canceled
the vacation.
448
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,923
Good. Give me
my money back.
449
00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:19,392
You remember
when I told you this
was non-refundable?
450
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:20,627
I rarely
listen to you.
451
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:21,961
This is
non-refundable.
452
00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:24,931
Well then,
I'll just take
a check.
453
00:19:26,132 --> 00:19:28,835
And so, as much as
you'd all like to believe
454
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:31,704
that the Mayor
was with a prostitute,
455
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,940
he was actually
with me.
456
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,245
Are you saying that
You slept with the Mayor,
Mrs. Flaherty?
457
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,413
Who said that?
458
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,916
It was that guy
in the back, Mom?
459
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,255
Do you have
a mother?
460
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:49,589
Yes.
461
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,023
Do you have
a cell phone?
462
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:52,124
Yes.
463
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:53,726
Well, I suggest
you use your cell phone
464
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,695
and call your mother
465
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:56,996
and ask her
how she'd feel
466
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,031
if someone asked
her that question.
467
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,335
I love
her fire, Mike.
468
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,240
Not now, sir.
469
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:09,709
Here comes
the plaintiff now.
470
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,278
Congratulations,
Hank.
471
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,712
We were all
rooting for you.
472
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:14,080
How does it feel
to be the first plaintiff
473
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:16,749
to be awarded
more than he was
asking for?
474
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:18,117
Oh, I was surprised.
475
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,253
I really didn't think
I had as strong a case
476
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,188
as the judge
told me I did.
477
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:23,590
Go right this way.
The court officer's got
478
00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:24,891
some documents
for you to sign.
479
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,626
And here comes
the loser.
480
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,361
No questions.
481
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,563
You signed a contract
saying you would
answer anything...
482
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:31,898
So sue me!
483
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,133
Watch out
for Billy,
484
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,234
the cameraman.
485
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:36,869
(BILLY GRUNTS)
486
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:38,405
HOST: Your camera okay,
Billy?
487
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:44,511
So what do you think
is gonna happen between
you and the Mayor?
488
00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:46,346
Oh, I don't know.
489
00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:47,814
Randall's very dear,
you know?
490
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,516
But we live on
opposite coasts,
491
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,452
and we're both
very busy.
492
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,287
He's not as busy
as you think.
493
00:20:58,558 --> 00:21:00,293
He's very sweet,
you know.
494
00:21:00,393 --> 00:21:01,461
It's nice
to meet a man
495
00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:03,830
who is not put off
by a successful woman.
496
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,599
You had to go straight
to the mayor of New York?
497
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:09,068
And you don't have to
talk to the Mayor.
498
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:10,903
I will talk
to him tomorrow.
499
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,405
Nah, you'd better
let me handle it.
500
00:21:12,505 --> 00:21:15,742
Honey, honey,
You don't have to
protect me anymore.
501
00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:17,577
No, I'm
protecting him.
502
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:19,912
He likes it.
503
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,116
Carter?
504
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:27,086
What's this?
505
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:27,987
What?
506
00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:29,255
I'm swallowing
my pride
507
00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:31,558
and going home to spend
Thanksgiving with my family.
508
00:21:31,658 --> 00:21:32,959
No, no.
509
00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:34,527
You're still going
to the Bahamas.
510
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:35,962
No!
511
00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:38,531
Now, haven't
You people
done enough?
512
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:42,034
We're sorry.
Have a good time
With your family.
513
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,370
Thank you.
514
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,373
Ah!
515
00:21:49,509 --> 00:21:50,577
Yes, I traded in
your rooms
516
00:21:50,677 --> 00:21:51,678
for a deluxe suite
for myself!
517
00:21:51,778 --> 00:21:52,745
So sue me!
518
00:21:52,845 --> 00:21:54,481
Suite?
That's two bedrooms!
519
00:21:54,581 --> 00:21:55,648
Pull-out couch!
520
00:21:55,748 --> 00:21:57,784
We can still make it.
Let's meet at the airport.
521
00:21:57,884 --> 00:21:59,952
Bahamas, Bahamas...
37578
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