All language subtitles for Spin.City.S01E21.iNTERNAL.1080p.WEB.H264-DiMEPiECE_track3_[eng]

Hey, good news, everybody.

I have used my considerable
charm and influence

to get us a private room
at Tribeca Grill

to celebrate the mayor's
state of the city address.

There will be an open bar.

I'm saying there
will be an open bar.

Shh. Look.

Who's that
sweet-looking
young woman

and why
is she talking
to Stuart?

As disturbing
and shocking
as it may seem

we have reason
to believe

she might actually
be Stuart's girlfriend.

No, there's gotta be
a logical explanation
for this.

She's serving him
a subpoena.

Mike,
this is Carolyn.

Hi, Carolyn.
Mike Flaherty.

I know.
Stuie's told me

so many great things
about you.

Oh, Stuie has,
has he?
Mmm-mmm.

Carolyn...
Cara...Carolynnn.

It's an exotic name.

Are you a U.S. citizen?

Oh, yeah. Born and bred
right here in Manhattan.

Stuart, I gotta run.

It was really nice
meeting everyone.

Hmm-mmm.
Nice.

I'll keep it for later.

Hey, Stuart.

Huh?

Your girlfriend,
she seems very...

normal.

So I'm dating a nice,
normal woman.

What's the big deal?

Nothing.
No, no, no.

She's exactly
the kind of
nice, normal woman

I always thought
you'd be with.

Only I figured
she'd be more...

inflatable.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, sir, we've got a busy
couple of days ahead of us.

I've set up a series

of strategic meetings
and appearances

culminating
in your state of
the city address.

It's an opportunity
for us to look back
in pride

at the last year.

What's it all about,
Mike?

Well, sir,
this is politics,

so unless it's
a trick question,

I'm gonna go
with "winning."

Oh, let's face it.

There's just been one
blunder after another

in both my personal life
and my political life.

That's what this speech
should say.

Well, you know,
actually it does.

It does, sir.
Right here, look at this.

"Of course,
this administration

"Has faced
small setbacks...
Mmm.

"But we've corrected them
and learned from them."

It's got "blunder"
written all over it.

I killed an ex-mayor, Mike.

But we learned
from that.

How many ex-mayors

did you kill
after that?

I've offended
the gay community,

I have poisoned
the homeless,

I've alienated
the women's action caucus,

and I made a mockery
of the deaf.

Look, we have lived up

to 70%
of our campaign
promises.

Let's face it,
the other 30%

we pretty much knew
were impossible
coming in.

Maybe you're right.

It's not my job
to depress the city.

It's my job
to uplift this city.

And that's what this
speech is all about.

This isn't the end
of a bad year,

it's the beginning
of a great new one.

Exactly.

Mr. Mayor?
Huh?

Your lawyer just dropped off
your divorce papers.

You're in a very,
uh...

A very good
place here, sir.

Let's try
and stay positive.

It's official.

I'm the biggest loser
in the history of time.

That's the spirit.

Hey, there, roomie.

Hey, there...
roomie.

Today's the day,
Paulie.

We're moving
in together.

That's today?

Yes, Paul.
Look at your

365-new-words-a-year
calendar.

Absquatulate.

Slang for "escape."

It's ironic.

Listen. You're
a little nervous.

So am I.
It's natural.

But it's gonna be fine,

so just give me
the keys,

and I'll have
a celebration dinner
waiting.

Okay, right now,
I just don't know...

I had them around here
somewhere. I just...

I hear them
jingling, Paul.

No, that's,
that's my change.

Well, how
do you know that

if you don't
stick your hands
in pockets?

What is this,
the Spanish Inquisition?

I know what my keys
sound like and what
my change sounds...

I found them.

You know, Paul?

I don't want to feel
like I'm forcing you.

Just because I've
given up my lease,

moved out of
my apartment,

and everything I own
is crammed in a U-Haul

parked illegally
in a fire lane...

That is no reason
you should feel
obligated

to keep your word
to me

and begin our life
together.

Hey... I'm sorry.

I do love you.

Oh...

Okay, this is
the front door key.
Okay.

And this is
the deadlock bolt.
Got it.

And this is
the mailbox key,

but I better
keep that.

It says
"do not duplicate."

You can get in
big trouble for that.

I mean, sure,
I said we would
move in together,

but in my mind,
that's like being
engaged to be engaged.

So now you're moved
to move in.

Yes! This is why
I talk to you.

So what do you think
I should do?

Oh, uh, you know...
I hear what
you're saying, Paul,

and I really care
about this, so, um...

Gimme a call at home.

You'll be there?

Oh, definitely.
Definitely.

Yeah, yeah, either
me or my machine.

Sorry, Mike,
one quick thing.
Uh-huh?

I got the mayor's
notes back

on my first draft
of the state of
the city speech.

All right, so go ahead
and make the changes.

Mike, he wrote,
"Why me?" On every page.

And then on the back,
he doodled a picture
of his own tombstone.

This is an easy one,
James.

You just...
Wow.

"Randall Winston.
1947-1997."

Doesn't give us
much time, does it?

In the next installment
in your tax dollars at work,

the city has purchased
30 new street sweeping
vehicles.

Any questions, comments?

I got a question.

Why do we need
all those things for?
What's the point?

Are we gonna clean
the same street
three times a day?

Most people don't
even brush their
teeth that often.

Uh, sir,

normally
we save grilling
of the administration

for the press.

We keep spending
and spending.

We got nothing
to show for it.

Just wish
I could account for
all the waste.

Well, that's what
we got the street
cleaners for.

To take
care of the waste.
Paul, take it away.

Well, that concludes
the debate portion of
today's press conference.

Framboise beer?
Who brought this?

I thought you guys
would like it.
It's berry-flavored.

I prefer the
beer-flavored beer.

What's with this
whole new policy of
mandatory socializing?

Finally get a night off,
and we have to
hang out together.

Look,
Paul's bringing
the mayor by.

We'll surprise him,
cheer him up
a little bit.

We'll be out of here
by 9:30.

You can all go
your separate ways

to whatever exciting
social lives
you all lead.

What are you guys
doing tonight?

Nothing.
No plans.

Want to get together
for a drink?

Yep.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Stuart?

Sweetheart!
You're early.

I was gonna go
out in the street
and wait for you.

Oh...

I knew you would,
you...sweet boy,

and that's why
I came early.

A perfect angel.

You are.
Now, can I get you
something to drink?

Just a glass of water
with a little ice.

Actually,
Mike's out of ice.

Then we'll just
go down to the store
and get some.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.
Why?

You want me to, uh,
pay for the ice?

Oh, come on!
I'll even pick up
some extra chips, too.

It's on me.

All right,
who was that?

I've never
seen anything like it.
He was so...

Nice?
Yeah.

You know,
when I was little,
my family had a dog.

He was really
mean dog.

He used to snap
at people
all the time.

And then one day,
my dad took him
to the vet,

and he came back
as sweet
as a puppy.

So you're suggesting
Stuart's girlfriend
had him...neutered.

Hey, it's just
a theory.

How big is a U-Haul, sir?

I mean,
I've seen 18-wheelers,

but Claudia's probably
gonna use a smaller
model, right?

Doesn't matter.

If she packs right,
she can fit
her whole life there.

Her whole life, huh?
(MOANS) Oh...

Gosh, it's hot in here.

I remember when Helen
moved in with me.

One minute I was
giving her the spare
set of keys.

Three weeks later...
We were married.

Oh, dear God.

Now she's taking half...

of everything I own.

(PENCIL SNAPS)

Let me ask you
something, sir.

Do you think Claudia and I
should move in together?

Paul, I'm really not
in the best place

to be giving
relationship advice
right now.

Be that as it may, sir,

just whatever
you're feeling,
just blurt it out.

Paul.
Please, sir.

If I say no...

Then no it is!

And a very convincing
argument it was, sir!

A burden has been
lifted from my shoulders.

Paul, you're kidding
yourself.

You asked Claudia
to move in with you.
It's a done deal.

She's not gonna
back out now.

I think Claudia
will be relieved.

I sense that Claudia's
as eager to slow things
down as I am.

(KEYS BEEPING, LINE RINGING)

CLAUDIA:
Hello, you've reached
the home of Claudia and Paul.

Leave a message,
and we'll get back to you
as soon as possible.

Thanks for calling.
(BEEP)

Oh, I can't believe
how much you look
like your mom!

Yeah, it's as if
she gave birth to me.

Where are all
the pictures of us?

I keep those
in a private room.

See, what I like to do

is lay about 20 of them
out on the floor,

uh, get naked, lube up,
and roll around in 'em.

It makes me feel
closer to the group.

Mike, not that watching
you torture James isn't
absolute scintillating,

but what are the odds
of Paul being successful

and actually bringing
the mayor here?

He can't go wrong.
I scripted this whole
thing out for him.

I guess that's all
for tonight, Paul.

"You can't go home
alone tonight, sir."

Why not?

"So why don't we
drop by Mike's place?"

You didn't answer
my question.

"Gang's all
hanging out there."

Are you not listening
to me at all, Paul?

"Perfect. So I'll
get my stuff."

Are we sure this is
a good idea?

Right now the mayor
just needs to feel
embraced by the group.

I need space.

This place is
suffocating me.

He wants
to feel grounded.

I want adventure.

Well, then, I will be
Thelma for your
Louise, sir.

Trust my instincts
on this, okay?

The mayor's gonna
end up feeling
better tonight,

and all our problems
are gonna be solved.

Two tickets to Miami,
please.

Ask what
the movie is.

Mike, I checked
the mansion,

his favorite
restaurants,
the club.

Nothing.

Well, it's official.
We are short
one mayor.

And I gotta think
people are gonna
notice that.

There's a disturbing
report from the
janitorial staff

of Paul and the mayor
being seen exiting
the building

singing
Born Free.

Look, I got something.
What?

I am sure the mayor
and Paul have gone
on some sort of

spur of the moment
trip out of town.

How?
What do you mean?

Okay, okay,
okay, okay.

Paul keeps a toothbrush
hidden here in the office
in case he sleeps over,

and it is gone!

How would you know
where Paul hides
his toothbrush?

I use it to clean
my keyboard.

(MOANS) Oh!

Mike, I've got Paul.

Yeah, Paul.

Oh, hey, ho.

No, everything's
fine here.

Yeah, so, hey,
it's about 60 degrees,

I had a lovely breakfast
at the Time Cafe,

and my press secretary
(SHOUTS) stole my mayor!

I want him back,
Paul.

Paul... no, Paul,
I... (STAMMERS)

I don't care
that you're okay.

Where are you?

Don't put
the mayor on.
Don't put him on.

Don't... Mayor...
Don't... Hello.
Hello, sir.

Uh, no, I... Sir,

if I could just...

Right, sir,
but, but... Sir...

(INHALES)
Sir, I appreciate
you've experienced

a major change
in your life,

but if you gather
your thoughts
you'll see the big picture,

you'll realize the
city really needs
you and... Hello?

Well, this is it.

No rules, no boundaries,
no fear.

Well, that's very
poetic, sir.

Did you just
make that up?

No, I read it on
the young fellow's
T-shirt over there.

Sounds like words
to live by

for two single guys
on the prowl, huh?

Well, I've never
been very good

at, at picking
up women, sir.

I... I have trouble
with my rap.

What's the problem?

I don't have one.

Everybody's got
a few standbys.

There was one I used to
use in college.

I'd walk up to women
and I would say,

"If I could rewrite
the alphabet,

"I would put
'U' and 'I' together."

Those must have been
some lonely years, Paul.

You've got to tell
a woman what you do.

Not many guys
can say they're
the press secretary

for the mayor
of New York City.

I can't just
blurt that out, sir.

Just let it happen
naturally.

You ask a woman
what she does,

and when she tells you,
you go, "Oh!"

Then there'll be
an awkward silence.

It'll force her
to ask what you do.

And that works.

I been doing it
for years.

(CLEARS THROAT)
So, you, uh,

think you can
handle this?

Yeah, I think
I can handle this.
Why are you smiling?

Hungry press.
AWOL mayor.

I think you can
do it, but...
(CHUCKLES)

It's not something
I wanna miss.

I'm not the one
who walked out without
saying where I was going.

I'm not gonna bust
my hump on this.

Maybe I should phone in
some lame excuse about
the mayor being sick

and take a little
vacation myself,

and good luck
finding me!

Good morning.

I will be your press
secretary today.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

No, not this guy.
No more "over here's" or
distracting hand gestures.

And, Sally, no more
standing in front of Joel
so I can't see him.

It's not nice,
and it's not fair.

Now, Joel.

Thank you, Mike.
I just want to say

how decent of you
it was to give Paul
the day off.

You must be a real
nice guy to work for.

He knows.

But what if
I told you

that I have a source
who claims to have
seen the mayor

along with Mr. Lassiter
at a ticket counter
at JFK last night?

Well, Joel, I would say
that I would like to, uh,

speak to this
"source."

It's me, Mike.

Hello, Joel.

How you doin?'
Nice to see ya.

And you're wrong.

So you're saying
the mayor is still
in New York City?

This is what
I'm saying, yes.

But he hasn't been
seen all day.

What you gonna
tell us,
he's sick again?

This is more than
I could have
hoped for.

No. No,
of course not.

I, uh, Sally,
could you take a step
to your right, please?

So the mayor will be
sticking to his
schedule today?

Yes, he will not be
dropping an event all day.

So why did you call
this press conference?

I just wanted
to say hi!

One Scotch and soda.

Thankee,
thankee.

And one virgin fuzzy navel
for the party boy.

So...

What do you do
for a living?

I'm a waitress.

Oh!

I'm the press
secretary for the
mayor of New York.

Oh.

If I could rewrite
the alphabet,

I'd put "U" and "I"
together.

We'll take the check.

(STUART WHISTLING)

You and Carolyn
going out to lunch?

Yeah!
So, what do you guys
think? You like her?

I was going to see
if I could have her
stapled to you.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Oh, let's see,
how can I put this
delicately?

When you're alone,
you're an
intolerable jerk.

When you're
with her,

you're kind,
you're friendly.

You're new Stu.

I like new Stu.

New Stu doesn't
glue stuff to
my desk.

Hey, I do not change
when I'm around her.

This is
a ridiculous load

of bull...
Sugar pop!

Hi, honey.
Hi.

I just want to
freshen up
before we go.

Oh. Down the hall
to the left.

Although I can't
imagine how you could
be any more beautiful.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY, INHALES)

Oh!

Oh, my God!
You guys are right!

What's happened to me?
Where's Stuart Bondek?

Relax, buddy.
What are you gonna do,
break up with her?

Are you crazy?
Have you checked out
her body?

There I am.
(CHUCKLES)

Whoo! I missed me.

I'm sorry! The mayor's
not here today.

Well, the mayor's
not here, here,

but he, he is
in the building.

And he'll get back
to you as soon as
possible. Thank you. Bye.

All right.

When did the mayor
get back?

Uh, he didn't.

But, like the great
and powerful Oz,

we shall create
the illusion that
he is here all day.

You got my schedule,
Janelle?

The mayor's radio address.

Ah. All right.
Okay, James.

Splice together
some old tapes.

Make it sound like
something new.

Stay away from
the Christmas address,

the New Year's address,

and that time
he affected
an English accent

to try to sound
more sophisticated.

Okay, fundraisers.
School appearance.

Shuffle, reschedule.
This is easy!

But we have
a dignitary
from Kurdistan

coming in for
a face-to-face with
the mayor today.

All right.
Here's a rule.

Any time a country
does not have a restaurant
in this city,

they don't get to
shout at the mayor.
Cancel that.

I'm gonna need
some help with this.

I'm sorry, Mike.
I have a big choice
to make.

I either
have to step up

and tell Carolyn
who I really am,

or for the sake
of sex,

live a lie for
the rest of my life.

Ready, buttercup?

Who are you
holding for?

Uh, Governor.
Uh, gee, Governor,

I put you through
to the mayor's
office five times.

I have no idea
what...

(DIAL TONE)
Ooh.
Lost him again.

Mike. (CHUCKLES)

Are you busy?

Oh, no, hey, Claudia,

I've got, uh...
five seconds.

I didn't know
who to talk to,

so I figured I'd turn
to Paul's best friend.

And you're here,
so...that must be me.

Do you think
Paul's getting cold feet?

I mean...

He invited me
to move in with him...

Cold feet.
Sounds like commitment
to me.

Have fun at the wedding.

What am I talking about?
I'll probably end up
being best man.

You're probably
right.

There's just one
little bitty thing

that keeps nagging
at me.

Mmm-hmm.

Could be a problem,
you know,
down the road.

He's gone.

He's run away.
He's abandoned me.
(CHUCKLES)

Let me tell you
something, Claudia.

In all the time
I have known Paul,

you are the best
thing that ever
happened to him.

Really?

You're the only thing.

But you're definitely
the best,

and he knows that,
which is why,
when I find him,

I'm gonna sit him down
and talk some sense
into him.

Well, I, I know
where he's staying
in Miami, if that helps.

Say that again?

He's in Miami.
Here's his number.

Mike...

You don't think
he's found anybody
new down there?

You know...
Some beach bunny.

No, he's probably
just looking for

someplace to get
SPF-4000.

(LAUGHS)

You're right.

My word, Paul.

This stuff actually...
removes your tan.

Why don't you just
wear a suit of armor?

That's very funny, sir.

Could you get
the back of my neck?

I'd rather not.

(GRUNTS)

(EXHALES)

Well, the Paul Lassiter
girl repellent

seems to have coated
the pool area.

Why don't we head down
to Ocean Drive tonight,

see if we can scare up
a little trouble?

Well, to be honest
with you, sir,
I'm a little tired.

I think I need a nap.
Must be jet lag.

We didn't change
time zones, Paul.

You know what
it must be?

They put me
at the end of
the emergency exit.

I didn't sleep
a wink.

It's quite
a responsibility, sir.

You're gonna call
Claudia, aren't you?

I would never
do that, sir.

Remember our pact.

Wild and free,
you and me.

Together for eternity!

That's my boy.

Paul.

Sorry, sir.

Okay, Mr. Flaherty.
That's one round-trip
ticket to Miami.

You know what?
I've had a rough day.
Got anything in first class?

No. We have coach.
Middle seat.

Is this a...
smoking section?

We no longer have
smoking sections.

What about
a drinking section?
You got that?

So, Mr. Flaherty,
is this trip business
or, or pleasure?

A little of both,
actually.

I'm thinking of
killing my boss.

Have a nice day.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)