All language subtitles for Jack of All Trades - 01x13 - X Marquis the Spot.DVDRip SAiNTS.en

Perusing our annual
expenditure report, Jack,

I hardly think your bar tab at the Drunken
PIG qualifies as a business expense.

Well, sure it does. That's
where I go undercover as a drunk.

Oh, hi, Candy.

Look, I'm not too hungry,

so I'm just gonna have the steak
and the lobster and the chicken.

Why don't you pick out a nice piece
of fish for yourself, huh? On me.

You truly are a bottomless
pit. We ate not two hours ago.

Oh, come on, Em, it's free.

I must admit,
I was rather surprised

when the governor asked us to
housesit while he's away on holiday.

Yeah, I was touched when he
said, "Moi casa est toi casa."

And I do hope this little
intermission from our life of espionage

will keep you from whining
about a vacation.

No promises.

(CAWING)
Hello, bonjour.

Oh, what now, Jean-Claude?

You seem less than happy
to see me, Jacques.

Well, it's nothing personal,
but every time I do,

I wind up getting shot at,
stabbed or kicked in the nads.

Then I'm afraid
this visit is no exception.

Well, can't it wait? The
governor's away on holiday.

It can't be any more pressing
than a lost dog.

Actually, the crown of King
George the third has been stolen.

(CAWING)

The royal crown
of the monarchy?

Tough break, Em.
We'll get to it next week.

Jack, as of this moment,
our vacation is over.

Oh, come on. We're talking
about a piece of jewelry.

The crown is a symbol
of British sovereignty.

A piece of jewelry.

Well, do you have
any leads to report?

Just one. We think the thief booked
passage to the nearby island of Ibopalooba.

Wait a minute. Isn't that the
island with the big fancy resort?

Yes, indeed.

It's rumored to be a rather exclusive
and very expensive vacation spot.

JEAN-CLAUDE: Oui. And we have reserved you a
suite under the names Monsieur and Mrs. Jones.

Your ship leaves in one hour.

Let's go, Jack.

Well, I take it all back, little
buddy. For once, I'm happy to see you.

Oh, can we get those to go?
Thanks, sugar.

Allow me, Mrs. Jones.

Lovely,
this looks quite charming.

Yeah, you know, there's nothing like
taking a vacation from your vacation.

Welcome.

Care for a lei?

Oh, come on,
is it that obvious?

Do try to behave. I doubt
this is the sort of place

that will tolerate
your perverted antics.

(CRUNCHING)

Is there anything more delightful
than the arrival of new guests?

Robes off!

You were saying?

You are the Joneses,
are you not?

Answer me!

Right, that's us, the
Joneses. We're the Joneses.

Splendid.
I am the Marquis de Sade.

Welcome to Agony Island.

(SINGING) In 1801,
the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never
a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French
or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round
the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need
a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke
right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

Remind me to pluck
that no good parrot.

We hope your stay here
on Agony Island

will be as memorable
as it will be unpleasant.

Before we show you to your suite,
permit me to review the rules.

Rules? (CRACKING WHIP) Silence!

No speaking unless spoken to.

That is rule number one.

Rule number two,
the leash law.

One of you must wear one
at all times.

All our guests
are either masters or pets.

Sorry, darling.

I'm going to have to
pull rank on this one.

You are gonna
owe me one, sister.

You must discipline your pet

or you will
both suffer horribly

in my personal dungeon.

(WHIP CRACKING)

Any questions?

Don't you worry about
a thing, Sadie.

Emilia here has had plenty of
practice making my life miserable.

(JACK LAUGHING)

Quiet, you filthy animal!

I must say, I admire the way
you pull his chain, Madame.

Hey, look,
don't encourage her, pal.

I said shut your mouth
you diseased rodent!

Would you like his mouth
wired shut?

Although I relish that idea,
Mr. De Sade,

I don't think
that will be necessary.

Splendid. Masoch!

Yes, Marquis.

Show Mr. And Mrs. Jones
to their suite.

MARQUIS: Tout de suite!

Sorry, pal,
I only carry hundreds.

Allow me.

Look, an officer of the law
must have stayed here before us.

Oh, yeah, right, and he also
left his fishing pole.

(WHIP SWISHING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Remind me to put a "do not
disturb" sign on the door.

I ordered an extra bed.

Care for a pillow
with that, Em?

Thank you, Masoch.

Okay, twisted sister, this is
getting worse by the second.

Well, we're not going anywhere
until we find that crown, Jack,

so you might as well make
an effort to enjoy yourself.

Oh look, there's plenty
of activities for you to try.

Here's one. Rump branding.

No thanks, sister,
my fraternity days are over.

Look, the sooner we start snooping
around, the sooner we can blow this dump.

You're forgetting
one important thing, Jack.

Oh, thank God my mother
isn't here to see this.

I feel like a jerk.

BROGARD: I'm not sure
that it suits you, Governor.

On the contrary, Brogard. I think
I was born to wear this outfit.

Madame Rothschild.

Monsieur Stiles?
What a pleasant surprise.

Is it not, Capitaine?

Mon gouverneur, it is safe to say
I wish I were dead at this moment.

What brings you to
Agony Island, gentlemen?

The Marquis de Sade is my
second cousin, twice removed.

I can see why you removed him.

And you?

We're here
on a business retreat.

What better way to teach an employee how
to behave than a brief stay on Agony Island?

Delightful.

Whip him once for me, Madame.

Don't you dare.

Oh, well, I'm afraid
we have a 3:00. A bientôt.

(WHISPERING) Why didn't you
tell me they would be here?

I have never been
so embarrassed in my life.

Technique is everything.

(YELLING)

WOMAN: Obey your master.

Do it. Do it properly.

Em, not so hard,
I'm starting to chafe.

I am sorry, Emilia, but this is way
above and beyond the call of duty.

Yes, well, I like this place as much as
you do, Jack, but undercover espionage

is our chosen profession
so stop whining.

The Marquis de Sade is a known
collector of antiquities.

I can't imagine a better
centerpiece than the royal crown.

Yeah, I'm sure it's more than
just a pleasant coincidence

that Croque
and Brogard are here.

Agreed.

All right, fine. So we break
into the Marquis' mansion,

beat the living crap out of
him, swipe the crown and vamoose.

Doesn't your constitution
mention something about

unlawful search and seizure
without probable cause?

For the love of God,
will you stop doing that?

Anyway, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
We must keep a close eye on the Marquis.

Guten Tag, I am Gunter Raufhausen
and this is my pet, Helga.

How do you do?

Any way you please, Fräulein.

What do you think of my Helga?
She's a looker, ja?

Yeah, yeah.

Your Fräulein is a bit
of a looker also.

What are you driving at there,
Raufhausen?

How about swinging by our suite
later on for a little exchange?

Tell you what, you throw in a six
pack of that German brew of yours,

you got yourself a deal.

Now, now, my pet, what did I tell
you about talking to strangers?

Suite 69,
if you change your mind.

(BARKING)

Down, Helga.

(HELGA WHINING)

Keep moving, pal.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Sure.
You think we have time?

(GROANING IN PAIN)

Hey, now you're talking,
sister.

Bark like a dog.

(BARKING)

(CLANGING)

Let's see if we can't start
happy hour.

Thank you for your
kind invitation, cousin.

We are having a dreadful time.

Excellent.

If there's anything I can do to
make your stay more miserable,

please don't hesitate to ask.

I trust our little gift
was satisfactory?

Indeed.

The crown will make a splendid
addition to my collection.

Imagine the look
on King George's face

when he receives a letter from the
Americans admitting their theft.

Your exquisitely forged letter will
re-ignite the British American war.

And no one will be able to stop
my brother's advance across Europe.

Sure, to the French empire.

Vive la France!

Over my leathery butt-crack.

Geez.

We have to find a way
to get into the main house.

The Marquis must have
the crown in there somewhere.

Well if he does, it's locked up tighter
than Fort Knox and twice as guarded.

Much as I'd love to, we can't
just kick down the front door.

By the way,
can we sleep in shifts?

Weren't you the one looking forward
to getting nailed on this trip?

This isn't exactly
what I had in mind.

You know, you surprise me, Jack, because
I thought the idea of leather-clad,

whip-wielding hussies
would be your idea of heaven.

Oh, ha!

Yeah. Oh, phooey.
I'm sleeping on the floor.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Jack.

Jack.

Hey, all right.
Don't start without me, baby.

Yeah, work it, work it.

Ow.

Ow.

Well, at least this place
lives up to its promises.

Listen to this. "Come one, come
all, to the triathlon of pain."

"The winning team gets invited to a
special party at the Marquis' mansion."

Jack, this is our
ticket to the crown.

In the bag, baby. Why do you
think they call me Speedy Stiles?

Don't answer that.

Now get some rest, Jack.
We've got a race to win.

Don't you worry, pumpkin,
we're gonna bring home the gold.

(YELLING)

Are you all right, Jack?

Oh, yeah.

Good thing
I'm a light sleeper.

Mrs. Jones, what an impressive
display of artistry. So uniform.

Have you studied under any
of the great masters?

Oh, I'm just a natural,
but thanks for the compliment.

We would like to sign up
for your race.

Fabulous.

Yeah, and we were wondering if
you'd like to sign up for ours.

It's called the human race.

Silence, you rabid weasel!
Wish us luck.

Down, pookie.

(BARKING)

Say, I thought you guys were already
invited to the Marquis' dinner?

We are curious to see what you
are made of, Monsieur Stiles.

Geez, what did I ever do
to you?

Mark.

Set.

Go!

EMILIA: Come on, Jack.

(YELPING)

What?

Those cheaters.

Lead, lead.

Heel, pookie, heel.

Get up little doggie.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Come on, Jack, faster!

Okay, heel.

All right, up you go, baby.

Now don't drop the egg,
you maggots. Come on!

Just like our honeymoon.

Here's your egg, Frenchie.
Now beat it.

Oh, Gunter.

Ja?

Eat dirt, losers.

Helga!

Move it.

Careful with that.

Oh, oh.

Steady, steady!

Don't you drop that.

Bottoms up, boys.

Oh, come on, Brogard,
don't be such a sissy.

CROQUE: Hey, look at me.

Jack, they're getting away.
Come on!

Pedal for your life, for the
greater glory of the empire!

We're almost there, Jack.
Home straight.

They are gaining.

Hey, knock it off!

Jack.

What?
Use that.

Emilia, my dear!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey.

Congratulations
on a race well run.

A valuable lesson in the
American art of cheating!

You're just jealous we're
better cheaters than you.

I believe the Marquis has
a surprise in store for us.

He has indeed, Emilia.

Ladies and gentlemen,

in this cruel
and judgmental world

filled with preoccupations
over such trifling concepts

as "morality" and what is
acceptable to the general public,

it is a breath of fresh air
to be in the company of

like-minded individuals.

And now, without further
ado, may I present

the latest addition
to my collection.

(ALL GASPING)

Behold, ladies and gentleman,

the crown of England.

You should always protect
your family jewels.

Where are you?

Note to self, when escaping
bad guys, avoid the dungeon.

MARQUIS: I see you've found
my little playroom.

JACK: Yeah, I just hate what
you've done with the place.

You know, my cousin's told me so
much about you, Monsieur Dragoon.

It seems we're not
that much different.

Oh, how do you figure,
leatherface?

Well, we're both men
who define ourselves

by the masks we wear,
are we not?

Well, I'm just trying
to avoid prosecution.

Well, you've come
to the wrong place.

I must warn you, I have an
extremely high tolerance for pain.

Good. You're gonna need it.

Ooh.

It seems no place on earth is
safe from the Dragoon's insolence.

But, Emilia, where is Jacques?

Well, he was a dirty
little doggie,

so I tied him
to a fire hydrant out front.

That smarts.

How did you get into
the pain business, anyway?

I was married once.

You're very good at dispensing
pain. You want a job?

No, thanks.

Tickles, doesn't it?

Left or right?

How about a right
then a left?

(GROANING)

I hate to disappoint you,
Marquis, but it's been a pleasure.

(LAUGHING)

You...

Jacques, Emilia,

I trust our little holiday
will remain entre nous?

Of course, Governor. Discretion is the
number one rule of business etiquette.

Don't sweat it, Croquey. You and
Captain Crunch, there, can relax.

Boy, it sure is a bummer the Dragoon
got away with that crown, though.

(GRUNTING)

It seems that no matter how wide
the ocean, how distant the land

we are forever destined to
be tortured by his insolence.

CROQUE: Ah, well.

Well, the crown is on its way
back to England as we speak.

Hooray.

You know, Jack,
while I don't relish the idea

of returning to Agony Island
anytime soon,

far be it for us to judge
those who would.

Well, now, I'm surprised.

You know, for a stiff upper
lipper, you're pretty open-minded.

And for a loosey-goosey, seat-of-your-pants,
wild-card you're rather puritanical.

But what do you expect?
I'm a hero to the kiddies.

Yes, and a threat
to their parents.

Hey, what is that?

A little memento
from our journey,

in case you step out of line.
Now, move!

Yes, Mistress.