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1
00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:12,403
Stan, it's 5:00 a.m.
2
00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:13,926
On opening day
3
00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:15,493
of the state fair!
4
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:18,409
Just 25 measly miles
between me and those gates.
5
00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:49,875
Gross.
Dad, put a shirt on.
6
00:00:49,919 --> 00:00:51,703
And... What's with the denim?
7
00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,792
This is my state fair outfit,
ya doofus.
8
00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:55,533
It's opening day.
9
00:00:55,577 --> 00:00:58,623
The only day the lumberjacks
are there signing autographs.
10
00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:01,322
And this year, I'm getting
my poster signed.
11
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:04,107
Huh. Weird.
12
00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:05,911
That's how you're spending
your yearly bonding day
13
00:01:05,935 --> 00:01:07,458
- with Jeff?
- Wait. What?
14
00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:22,778
No!
That can't be today.
15
00:01:22,821 --> 00:01:24,823
Hey, this guy's hot.
16
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:28,305
When I was little, I used to
play pretend lumberjack.
17
00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:29,915
Play pretend?
18
00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:32,440
Hayley, he's doing it again.
He's being an idiot.
19
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:35,312
Dad! He looked up that word
the last time you said it,
20
00:01:35,356 --> 00:01:37,271
and he might still know
what it means.
21
00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,664
Look, I can't have this boy
with me around the L-jacks.
22
00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:40,839
He's embarrassing.
23
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:42,319
Well, that was our bet.
24
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:44,036
You said our marriage
wouldn't last a year.
25
00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:46,236
It was a safe bet. Half of
marriages end in divorce.
26
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,977
Why can't yours?
27
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,240
So now you have to hang out
with Jeff one day a year.
28
00:01:50,284 --> 00:01:52,851
Fine. Okay.
But he's such an...
29
00:01:52,895 --> 00:01:54,026
ignoramus?
30
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:56,159
Sure. Give it a spin.
Ignoramus!
31
00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:58,466
Ooh! Are we
playing dinosaurs?!
32
00:01:58,509 --> 00:02:00,946
- Sure.
- Rawr!
33
00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:05,603
I'm the great and powerful
Ignoranus!
34
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,811
The fair has many distractions,
35
00:02:39,855 --> 00:02:42,597
but we're here for one thing
and one thing only.
36
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,339
The jackin' zone.
37
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:49,299
Oh, maaan!
I crinkled it all up!
38
00:02:49,343 --> 00:02:51,214
I'm a stupid idiot.
39
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:52,737
Tissue for your tears, sir?
40
00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:54,217
Is this a paper towel?
41
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,959
Well.
I am a lumberjack.
42
00:02:57,002 --> 00:02:59,831
Wow! That's quite
a jaw you have.
43
00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:04,184
Say, have you ever thought
about jackin', my friend?
44
00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:08,666
R-R-R-Really?!
Like with a bold old axe?
45
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,365
Totally!
With an axe, a beard.
46
00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:13,367
All the lumberjack things.
47
00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:15,847
We compete in the Langley Woods
off Route 80.
48
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,632
We've even got
an amateur division,
49
00:03:17,675 --> 00:03:19,329
and there's an opening
in doubles.
50
00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:21,505
You could, uh, join up
with your son here.
51
00:03:21,549 --> 00:03:22,854
This guy's not my son.
52
00:03:24,073 --> 00:03:25,770
This is my son.
53
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:30,210
Whoa. Babe alert.
54
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,301
Thanks for pretending
you're my mom
55
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,390
so I can get my ears pierced,
Mrs. Smith.
56
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:39,915
No problem. I want my son's
friends to look hot.
57
00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:42,396
Snot, look!
58
00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,094
It's one of those contests!
59
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:48,358
Whoever keeps their hand
on the truck longest wins it.
60
00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:51,187
Wow. A truck
would be a godsend.
61
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,538
My mom has had to pick up
a lot of farm work lately.
62
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,366
Winning this truck
could be the difference
63
00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,281
between life and death for us.
64
00:03:58,325 --> 00:04:00,718
And if we win it,
we could park it
65
00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:03,330
on Tuttle's front lawn
for a joke!
66
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:07,962
- Oh! Let me in there!
- It's starting!
67
00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:09,597
- Check it out!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
68
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,947
This kind of contest brings out
the worst in people.
69
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:13,470
Don't trust anybody.
70
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:15,690
They're just trying to get
your hand off the truck.
71
00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:17,344
Got it.
72
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:19,868
Oh, to help us pass the time,
why don't you show us
73
00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:22,566
your famous Sicilian
grandmother impression, Snot?
74
00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:26,091
Whenaya gonna get a-married-uh?
75
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:27,615
That kid took his hand off!
76
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,225
Steve! How could you?
77
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,053
Take a hike, rookie.
78
00:04:33,185 --> 00:04:36,188
Hop in, Schmuley! We gotta get
this cow to Lancaster County!
79
00:04:42,325 --> 00:04:45,197
Oh, Buckle would be
a great lumberjack partner.
80
00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:46,895
Yello?
81
00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:48,462
Buckle, my man!
How'd you like...
82
00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:52,292
Ha! You've reached
my machine!
83
00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,945
Leave a message!
84
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:58,080
Nobody makes me laugh
harder than you, Buckle.
85
00:04:58,123 --> 00:04:59,690
You're a real dick.
86
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:04,042
Lewis, I'm looking
for a partner to jack with.
87
00:05:04,086 --> 00:05:06,131
Oh, no, no, no.
I-I mean lumber jack.
88
00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:07,263
Hello?
89
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,308
Dick, what's up?
90
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:10,571
Hooper, my bud. Dooper.
91
00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:12,790
Bullock, sir, I need your help.
Hello, Tuttle.
92
00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:14,792
Ms. Peaches,
you may not remember me,
93
00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:16,968
but you taught me art
in elementary school.
94
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,276
Huh. Girl Smith?
95
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,886
Probably Hayley or Francine.
96
00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:23,584
Could be someone else.
97
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:24,759
Hey, Dad.
98
00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:26,282
Hey, Hayley.
99
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,371
Will you please be
my lumberjack partner?
100
00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:30,460
Oh. This is the thing
Jeff was telling me about.
101
00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:32,549
He said he really wanted
to do this with you.
102
00:05:32,593 --> 00:05:34,159
Yeah, anybody but him.
103
00:05:34,203 --> 00:05:37,293
Dad, just do it with him.
He might actually be helpful.
104
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,470
And if he's not, I will never
make you do bonding day again.
105
00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:45,345
Damn it!
106
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,999
Hanging out with Jeff to
never hang out with Jeff again?
107
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:50,306
It's a gotdang catch-Jeffy-2!
108
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,003
The world's so sucky!
109
00:05:55,703 --> 00:05:57,095
I've considered your offer.
110
00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:58,314
I think it's a fair deal.
111
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,750
You know I can hear you, right?
112
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:01,491
We share a wall.
113
00:06:03,058 --> 00:06:04,929
Howdy, partner!
114
00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:09,891
Wow. It's amazing how many
people got phone calls
115
00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:11,675
and suddenly ran off
for no reason.
116
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:14,069
Oh, there was a reason.
117
00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:16,419
Ever heard of..."arson"?
118
00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:19,422
You... had their homes
burned down?
119
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:21,381
Well, I don't wanna brag.
120
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:23,383
Get off my truck!
My wife's in labor!
121
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,297
No late joiners.
122
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:27,561
The contest
already started, buddy.
123
00:06:27,604 --> 00:06:29,737
And ended!
That was this morning.
124
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:31,260
I didn't want a hot Hardbody.
125
00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:33,044
That's why I parked
in the shade.
126
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:36,700
What do you think, Mom?
She does look pregnant.
127
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:39,442
In labor, my ass!
128
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:41,052
Put your cervix on the glass!
129
00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:44,621
Welcome, lumberjacks!
130
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:47,624
We have a very exciting
doubles heat for you today!
131
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,887
Next up on
the standing block chop,
132
00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:52,716
a team making
their amateur debut...
133
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:56,241
Stan Smith and Jeff Fister!
134
00:06:56,285 --> 00:06:58,418
Fister. That's how
I signed you up.
135
00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,724
'Cause you're worthless,
just like a fist.
136
00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:03,771
Ready positions!
137
00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:10,604
Look at him go!
138
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:12,519
Not since
Woody Woodpecker himself
139
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:15,347
have I seen anybody
chewin' up wood like this!
140
00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:18,742
Oh, my God. This Fister guy
is better than me.
141
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,791
It's a record!
142
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:27,882
Wow! Fister!
That was amazing!
143
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:31,015
Fister's not his name!
That was my hilarious joke!
144
00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:33,931
Plus, I got that log
started like 90%.
145
00:07:33,975 --> 00:07:36,238
So, really, you guys
should be impressed by me.
146
00:07:36,281 --> 00:07:37,761
And my jack hands.
147
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:40,155
Fellow L-jacks
call 'em "jack hands,"
148
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,157
as my friends can attest, Jeff.
149
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,160
It's what happens when you
jack so hard and fast, Jeff.
150
00:07:45,856 --> 00:07:47,379
As we reach the middle
151
00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,077
of the lumberjacking season,
152
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,209
no team has been
more fun to watch
153
00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:53,168
than Smith and Fister.
154
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:57,128
Let's see them work their magic
in doubles speed-climbing.
155
00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:01,481
Fister taking charge,
156
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:04,484
carrying Smith
like a reverse kangaroo!
157
00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:11,447
I am Smith,
vertical wood cheetah!
158
00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:16,060
Oh, you looked so sexy
scaling that tree, babe.
159
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:17,845
Minus my dad humping your back.
160
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:19,194
Thanks, babe.
161
00:08:19,237 --> 00:08:21,675
But you know what's really sexy?
162
00:08:21,718 --> 00:08:24,852
Finally getting to have some
quality time with your dad.
163
00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:26,549
What are you talking about?
164
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,701
He's using you to look good
in front of the lumberjacks,
165
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,510
and he's not giving you
any credit.
166
00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:32,424
Jeff, I'm taking
the L-jacks back to my place
167
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:34,209
for some F-jacks.
168
00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:37,255
That's flapjack, as any real
jack-jock would already know
169
00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:39,388
and not need explained,
at the dear cost
170
00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:41,390
of slowing down the exit
of the Jack Pack.
171
00:08:41,433 --> 00:08:43,218
Peace out!
172
00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,046
That's a real D-bag move.
173
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:47,570
Maybe you should think about
ditching my dad and going solo.
174
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,050
I don't know, babe.
175
00:08:49,093 --> 00:08:52,096
I'm so close to him
realizing I'm not worthless.
176
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:54,229
Of course you're not worthless.
177
00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:55,535
You're my whole world.
178
00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:57,580
Can you find your own ride home?
179
00:08:57,624 --> 00:09:00,278
I'm getting trashed with Danuta
at the Pickle Palace tonight.
180
00:09:00,322 --> 00:09:01,758
She's in a sexual relationship
181
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:03,151
with some of
the bartenders there.
182
00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:04,805
Peace out!
183
00:09:04,848 --> 00:09:07,285
Wow. Danuta.
184
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:08,983
Good for her.
185
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,075
How many times must I tell you?
186
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:16,338
This is not a contest.
This is my life...
187
00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:18,601
Hey, is that breast milk?
Can I get a pull?
188
00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:20,472
If you people
get out of my garage,
189
00:09:20,516 --> 00:09:22,910
you can have all
the breast milk you want!
190
00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:24,999
Puh-lease.
When I win this truck,
191
00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:27,958
women will be chucking
breast milk at me.
192
00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:34,356
Now, me and Jeff
don't always eat flappy-Js...
193
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:36,880
another word for F-jacks, Jeff,
try to keep up...
194
00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:38,969
with our shirts off,
but I just thought you guys
195
00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:41,929
should see how much better
my body is than my partner's.
196
00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:44,192
Your partner's?
197
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:47,848
Shyeah right.
198
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:50,111
Jeff's the only one
choppin' and sawin'.
199
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:51,765
He might as well be on his own.
200
00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:53,636
Psh.
Yeah, okay, whatever.
201
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,551
Can you guys
believe this nonsense?
202
00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:01,426
See?
They all know it's true.
203
00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:02,993
Jeff's better off without you.
204
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,734
That's ridiculous.
205
00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,669
And there's no way to know
for sure who's better anyway.
206
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:09,391
So you'll just have to trust me
and the guys that I'm better.
207
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:10,958
There's a solo competition.
208
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:13,003
Bring it on.
209
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:15,484
I would "bring it on,"
obviously,
210
00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:17,181
but it's probably
not the season.
211
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:18,792
He's right.
It's not the season.
212
00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:20,663
Well, you lucked out
this time, Jeff.
213
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,665
Your embarrassment
will just have to wait.
214
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,275
Season starts Tuesday.
215
00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:27,975
Roger, you gotta help me!
216
00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:30,586
- Gooo awayyyy.
- Roger, please.
217
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,067
You gotta teach me everything
you know about solo jacking.
218
00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,546
And to be clear, I mean...
219
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:35,983
Singles competition
timber sports.
220
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,811
What else could you mean?
But why?
221
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:39,682
Ugh. It's a whole thing
with Jeff...
222
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:41,205
Say no more.
223
00:10:41,249 --> 00:10:42,661
Well, I do want to give
a few more details.
224
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,644
Do you remember
when we first met Jeff
225
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:46,820
and he was only wearing
one flip-flop?
226
00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:48,735
So, not only was
the watermelon seedless...
227
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,693
Stop, stop, stop!
228
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:53,478
You wanna look good in front of
those gorgeous-ass lumberjacks.
229
00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:55,132
Just give me a second.
230
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:59,136
Huge Jeanman-Jackman.
Lumberjack coach.
231
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:02,531
Listen, I used to be the
greatest coach of lumber jerks
232
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:05,926
in the Pacific Northwest 'til
I punched a student in the face.
233
00:11:05,969 --> 00:11:08,842
And then I punched another.
Got a teensy drinking problem.
234
00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,713
I've punched every
single one of 'em.
235
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:13,847
Gaaah! I wanna sock your ugly
mug so bad, I can taste it!
236
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:16,284
But I respect boundaries.
I'm not your coach.
237
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:19,026
You're hired.
238
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:22,290
Oops. I shouldn't have done that
before I did this.
239
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:25,510
When my hair's a-danglin',
240
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:26,860
I've been a-drinkin'.
241
00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:28,513
And now I can do this.
242
00:11:28,557 --> 00:11:31,038
And back to this!
243
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:33,170
And back and forth!
Enh!
244
00:11:34,258 --> 00:11:36,304
Ad infinitum!
245
00:11:50,231 --> 00:11:52,537
Hair's a-danglin'!
246
00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:09,163
Ugh! I instantly regret
throwing my pickle!
247
00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:10,642
Ah, that's my cue.
248
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,775
Get your
replacement pickles here!
249
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,690
Pickles for chuckin'
and chewin'!
250
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,997
I oughta punch your pickle!
251
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,781
Ooh!
Oh, no, you don't.
252
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:21,610
Hoppity-boppity-boppity-boppity-
boppity-boppity-boppity-boppity!
253
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:31,011
Smith and Fister are neck-and-neck
254
00:12:31,054 --> 00:12:33,622
as they saw through
their final cookie!
255
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,798
This is gonna be really close!
256
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:41,195
A tie! A tie!
257
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:43,197
Fister and Smith both qualify
258
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,635
for the World Championship
in Alaska!
259
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,506
Roger, your training worked!
260
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:51,118
Hit me again!
I wanna smoke Jeff in Alaska.
261
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:54,556
I'm happy to hit you, Stan, but
it's gonna be with the truth.
262
00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:56,123
You'll never win in Alaska.
263
00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:58,125
Of course I will.
You saw me out there.
264
00:12:58,168 --> 00:13:01,215
I did. But Alaska?
That's the championships.
265
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,521
They're gonna check to make sure
the wood isn't butter.
266
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:05,306
How can wood be butter?
267
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,525
I have been replacing
all your wood
268
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:10,398
with a simulacrum made
of the product... butter.
269
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:13,880
Butterwood. The trick wood
you've been chopping and sawing.
270
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:16,578
We've been cheating.
You're a terrible lumberjack!
271
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:19,755
Aw. Don't be sad.
272
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,627
How 'bout a couple of quick
punches to cheer me up?
273
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:33,247
Coat's loud as hell, man.
274
00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:35,031
My puffy Patagonia?
275
00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:37,512
Won't fit in my suitcase,
so I'm wearing it on the plane.
276
00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:38,730
Why aren't you ready?
277
00:13:38,774 --> 00:13:40,167
Oh, I'm not going to Alaska.
278
00:13:40,210 --> 00:13:41,472
What? Why?!
279
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:43,257
I have to get
my veneers replaced.
280
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,607
I know, I know. Doesn't
look like I have veneers
281
00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:47,739
or would even be a person
who gets veneers.
282
00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:50,090
But now you know
my very expensive secret.
283
00:13:52,614 --> 00:13:54,268
Roger, I need your help.
284
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:56,183
I can't beat Jeff
without cheating!
285
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:59,186
I gotchya. Hand me that
turbo booster over there.
286
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:01,884
You're gonna turbo boost
Jeff's chainsaw.
287
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:04,844
This puppy will make his saw
too powerful to control.
288
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:07,194
Turbo boost him right out
of the championship.
289
00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:08,673
Thank you so much.
290
00:14:08,717 --> 00:14:11,589
Please, Stan, just leave.
My head, your voice.
291
00:14:12,808 --> 00:14:14,854
And your jacket!
292
00:14:38,268 --> 00:14:40,923
Oh, mama. Look at that saw!
293
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:43,099
I gotta feel the heft
of that baby.
294
00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:48,278
Ohh. Just a little tugaroo
won't kill anyone.
295
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:50,106
Wait!
It's been turbo-boosted!
296
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:51,716
You can't possibly control it!
297
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,023
I think I can control it.
298
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,112
No! You're not
a professional lumberjack!
299
00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:58,158
You're just a pilot!
300
00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:03,598
Put that down!
You'll never be a lumberjack!
301
00:15:03,641 --> 00:15:06,601
Now get inside and study
your pilot books!
302
00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:07,994
I don't want your life!
303
00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:13,651
Screw you, Dad!
304
00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:34,281
Get those people
out of our garage, Bob!
305
00:15:34,324 --> 00:15:37,414
What sort of limp-dick man
did I even marry, Bob?!
306
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:39,634
Tammy's really letting Bob
have it in there.
307
00:15:39,677 --> 00:15:42,680
This is getting
pretty real, Mom. Maybe...
308
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:44,291
Don't you say it, Steve!
309
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:47,511
Maybe this isn't a contest?
310
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:53,343
Please just leave!
311
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:56,956
You people are ruining
my marriage!
312
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,307
Steve.
313
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:06,791
Please forgive us, Bob!
314
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:11,144
Bobby, baby, we did it!
315
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:14,060
We were in it together
all along, you fools!
316
00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:16,497
We win the Hardbody!
317
00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:18,673
Honey, return that baby!
318
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:22,242
We're one-half owner
of an old orange truck!
319
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:26,333
Klaaaaaaus wiiiiins!
320
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:27,682
Klaus?
321
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,163
That's right.
322
00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:31,947
It's me! Klaus!
323
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,603
The proud new owner
of a Klaus-orange Hardbody.
324
00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:38,606
And I'll be doing celebratory
burnouts in my new old truck
325
00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:40,869
as soon as I find
my misplaced driving cane.
326
00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:42,305
Oh, I know where that cane is.
327
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,655
Steve knows where it is!
328
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,358
M-M-M-M-My p-p-p-puffy.
329
00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:54,100
P-Pat... Patagonia jacket
saved me!
330
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:56,058
You'll attract predators.
331
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:59,583
How did you survive with such
a, no offense, flat jacket?
332
00:16:59,627 --> 00:17:03,631
I slowed my fall with this axe.
And that tree.
333
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:06,895
They're gonna be looking for us.
334
00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:09,898
We need to build
a signal tower. Here.
335
00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:12,118
You're just whippin' axes
at me now, Jeff?
336
00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:14,207
Is there anything
you won't stoop to
337
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:16,383
to keep me from beating you
at the championships?
338
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:19,821
Stop it, Mr. S. There's not
gonna be a championship.
339
00:17:19,864 --> 00:17:21,910
Every other lumberjack is dead.
340
00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:23,912
Oh, my God.
341
00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:26,088
Guaranteed silver.
342
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:28,090
Look, I know
we're not a team anymore,
343
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,440
but we're gonna have to
work together to survive.
344
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:32,921
You start clearing that tree
for firewood.
345
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:37,186
I'm gonna find my chainsaw and
get goin' on a signal tower.
346
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,407
Wait, wait, wait!
Don't start that saw!
347
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,427
Guess I'm not getting
my turbo booster back.
348
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:04,126
And there goes my goddamn toast.
349
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,128
What the hell was that?
350
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:08,261
All right! Enough with
the third degree!
351
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:09,871
I sabotaged your saw!
352
00:18:09,914 --> 00:18:11,046
Why?
353
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,743
Because I'm a cheater.
354
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:15,050
A cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
355
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:18,097
And I admit you're a better
lumberjack than me.
356
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:20,055
I never cared about that.
357
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,623
I just wanted to show you
I was good at something
358
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:24,799
so you'd want
to hang out with me.
359
00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:27,193
Jeff, you are good at something.
360
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:28,803
You're an amazing lumberjack.
361
00:18:28,846 --> 00:18:30,587
And if we make it out of here,
362
00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:33,373
I promise I'm going to
tell that to the world.
363
00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:34,635
Thanks.
364
00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:36,376
But if you'll get out of my way,
365
00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:38,378
I got a babe to get home to.
366
00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:03,142
Look at him go, puffy Patagonia.
367
00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:05,013
He might just save us yet.
368
00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:16,720
Huh. Jeff Fischer.
The stoner.
369
00:19:25,425 --> 00:19:28,384
Well, Pat, we both know
I can't let Jeff save us.
370
00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:30,343
Whoa! Is that a signal flare
in your pocket
371
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:31,866
or are you just happy to see me?
372
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,521
Ha ha ha! Cut it out, Pat.
This is serious.
373
00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:40,570
New plan, Jeff!
No signal tower!
374
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:44,444
Oops. Too low.
375
00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:48,839
Catch him, Pat!
376
00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:52,756
There's the wreck.
377
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,758
Dibs on any
unmelted credit cards.
378
00:19:54,802 --> 00:19:57,239
Gold fillings
for me again? Ohh.
379
00:19:57,283 --> 00:19:59,720
Hand me my pliers, will ya?
380
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:06,074
So, after I got a fire blazing
to warm Jeff's weak body,
381
00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:07,728
I built a signal tower.
382
00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:09,860
Of course, of course.
So heroic.
383
00:20:09,904 --> 00:20:11,558
Then, just as I finished,
384
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:13,560
I saw Jeff messin'
with a flare gun.
385
00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:15,126
Kablooey.
Flare went off
386
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,346
and Jeff burned down
all my hard work.
387
00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:18,956
Does this look about right?
388
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:23,700
Usually you can see the outline
of my manhood through my pants.
389
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:25,528
Mind e-mailing me
a second draft?
390
00:20:25,572 --> 00:20:27,095
He's waking up.
391
00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:28,575
Maybe I can get a statement.
392
00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:30,141
Leave him alone, you vulture!
393
00:20:30,185 --> 00:20:32,274
Is there nothing
you won't do for a headline?!
394
00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:35,277
Jeff, you're okay!
Thank God.
395
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,453
Listen. Hayley
was right about you.
396
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:39,760
I was crazy to think
you're worthless.
397
00:20:39,803 --> 00:20:42,415
And from now on,
I want to hang out more.
398
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:45,287
Much more.
Maybe even twice a year.
399
00:20:45,331 --> 00:20:47,898
What do you say
to that... son?
400
00:20:47,942 --> 00:20:49,770
I say...
401
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:52,033
you, Mr. S.
402
00:20:57,038 --> 00:20:59,040
Bye! Have a great time!
29516
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