All language subtitles for American Dad! - S18E03 - Stan Moves to Chicago-ing

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,265 --> 00:00:05,831 Eight of hearts. 2 00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:07,268 Drink! 3 00:00:11,272 --> 00:00:12,273 Three of clubs. 4 00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:15,015 - Drink! - Drink! 5 00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:17,321 I forget, which cards don't we drink on? 6 00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:18,690 Don't worry, I took them out of the deck. 7 00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:24,067 Francine! 8 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:24,763 Chicago Dave! 9 00:00:24,807 --> 00:00:25,982 That's Chicago Dave! 10 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,462 My buddy from college! 11 00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:29,551 He's ascended the mountain, Francine! 12 00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:30,726 A real mountain? 13 00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,249 Like Mount Everlast? 14 00:00:32,293 --> 00:00:34,164 Or Mount Killamandingo? 15 00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:35,426 What? No. 16 00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:37,689 He's writing movies for Reese Witherspoon! 17 00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:40,692 What's the best part of writing a movie for Reese Witherspoon? 18 00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:42,738 Easy. Meeting Reese Witherspoon. 19 00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:44,696 Obviously. I'm so embarrassed I even asked. 20 00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:46,394 Dave moved to Chicago. 21 00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:49,266 Joined the world-famous City Second improv troupe 22 00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:50,750 where he was plucked to join the cast 23 00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:52,182 of Sketches and Laughing, 24 00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:54,054 a.k.a. S-and-L! 25 00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:56,186 And now he's writing Reese Witherspoon movies. 26 00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:57,753 What's your point, Stan? 27 00:00:57,796 --> 00:01:00,016 My point is that man could have been me. 28 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,583 I flipped another card! 29 00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:06,109 Great, I'm missing the end of the game. 30 00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,415 It's a red one! 31 00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:10,113 Ugh, that's a drink one, Stan. 32 00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:46,280 Chicago Dave is living the best life a human can. 33 00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,325 And you went to college with him. 34 00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:50,240 I more than went to college with him. 35 00:01:50,284 --> 00:01:51,459 A little backstory is needed. 36 00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:55,376 It was the summer of 21 years ago... 37 00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:58,161 the start of my senior year of college. 38 00:01:58,205 --> 00:02:01,164 I was ready to take the throne as Funniest Student 39 00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,470 in the School of Government. 40 00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:04,385 But what I didn't know was someone else 41 00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:06,387 had eyes on the same prize. 42 00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,998 What are two examples of a Republic? 43 00:02:09,041 --> 00:02:10,695 Uh, Disneyland and Narnia. 44 00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:14,351 Uh, my butt and balls. 45 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:17,267 Okay, shut up, shut up! 46 00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:19,095 We're trying to learn government here! 47 00:02:21,445 --> 00:02:22,838 We became a team. 48 00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:25,449 By winter break we were known more for our comedy 49 00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:28,017 than our schoolwork, which we had stopped doing. 50 00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,193 ...which led to rules governing search and seizure... 51 00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:32,021 Seizure? I barely know her! 52 00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:34,023 Checks and balances? 53 00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:36,330 More like cheeks and ball-ances! 54 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,942 I didn't even say checks and balances! 55 00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:46,949 Promise me you will never accept any sort of government job. 56 00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:48,864 And do what instead? 57 00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:50,648 - Comedy? - Sure. 58 00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:53,129 I despise comedy, so that would be great. 59 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,262 Except for Mark Russell, the political pianist. 60 00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,829 You guys familiar? 61 00:02:57,873 --> 00:02:59,396 What do you say, Stan? 62 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:03,052 Ya wanna move to Chicago and chase this dragon? 63 00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:13,193 There was only one problem. 64 00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:14,455 I can't go. 65 00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:15,978 I'm too afraid. 66 00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:18,241 Come on, Stan. I can't go alone. 67 00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:20,374 I need someone to talk to on the drive. 68 00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:21,984 Oh, wait. 69 00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,207 Never mind! Bye! 70 00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,731 Have fun living a life of fear! 71 00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,735 He moved to Chicago without me. 72 00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:35,911 Never talked to him again. Tried to get in touch, 73 00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:38,653 but who can touch a shooting star? 74 00:03:38,696 --> 00:03:41,003 You can't even touch a regular star, Stan. 75 00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,309 They're suns. 76 00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:44,224 If I'd just gotten in that Fiero, 77 00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,747 I'd be a famous comedian. 78 00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:49,446 What? How? 79 00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,492 - You're not funny. - Tha... bha... 80 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:52,406 tha... bha... 81 00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:53,755 I'm a funny guy! 82 00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,322 That's what I identify as. 83 00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:58,368 Stan Smith... Funny. Guy. 84 00:03:58,412 --> 00:04:00,370 I honestly don't know 85 00:04:00,414 --> 00:04:02,329 if you're joking right now. 86 00:04:02,372 --> 00:04:04,244 It's always so hard to tell with you. 87 00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:06,246 Are you being crazy right now? 88 00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:07,769 Kids! 89 00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,295 Not you, Klaus. 90 00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:16,778 Your Dad just said he's a funny guy. 91 00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:20,695 That's a funny thing to say, Dad. 92 00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:21,957 That's not like you. 93 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:22,914 It wasn't a joke! 94 00:04:22,958 --> 00:04:24,089 Here's a joke... 95 00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,308 have you seen these teens 96 00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,049 eating their Tide Pods? 97 00:04:27,092 --> 00:04:29,138 What the heck? Those are for dishwashers. 98 00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:33,447 Stan, the last good joke you made was Steve! 99 00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:36,363 Nice, Mom! You burned Dad and Steve. 100 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:39,104 Unlike Dad, who's had 14 years to burn me 101 00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:40,280 and never once scored. 102 00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:42,673 Never once scored... 103 00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:43,892 kinda like Steve! 104 00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:45,850 Oh, ho! Wow! 105 00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:47,287 You see that, Dad? 106 00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:49,332 That's how you roast Steve. 107 00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,643 What the hell, Stan? 108 00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:57,471 I'm out. Moving to Chicago. 109 00:04:57,514 --> 00:04:58,994 Gonna prove the haters wrong. 110 00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:00,517 What about work? 111 00:05:00,561 --> 00:05:02,084 I told Bullock that when I was young, 112 00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:04,826 I dreamt of being a comedian and how I chickened out. 113 00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,654 He instantly granted me Regret Leave, 114 00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:08,699 which was a surprise considering 115 00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,179 we're basically getting ass-slammed 116 00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:11,659 by China round the clock. 117 00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,661 Why don't you just take an improv class 118 00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:15,184 at the Learning Attic? 119 00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:16,901 Why would I listen to anything you have to say? 120 00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:18,405 You're my number-one hater. 121 00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:20,058 You've never supported my comedy. 122 00:05:20,102 --> 00:05:22,365 Come on, is this real? 123 00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:23,689 How long do you plan to be gone? 124 00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:25,542 As long as it takes. 125 00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,239 Maybe even longer. 126 00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:31,418 Goodbye, Francine. 127 00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,854 Lemme know how the kids turn out! 128 00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:11,719 Wow. 129 00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:14,722 This is what I missed out on 21 years ago. 130 00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,116 - Klaus?! - Klaus! 131 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,944 Baaa-haaaa! 132 00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:23,208 You didn't think I'd let you move to Chi-Town solo, did you? 133 00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,863 Plus, my boy Courtney in Tampa's cousin, Lindsey, 134 00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:29,171 lives down in Champaign and has a super-tight posse. 135 00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:31,062 He said we can go down there or they can come up here. 136 00:06:31,086 --> 00:06:33,175 It's all good, Stan. 137 00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:34,829 No, no. No distractions. 138 00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:37,048 I'm here to focus on my comedy career. 139 00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:40,182 Tomorrow is my first day at City Second Improv. 140 00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:41,531 Don't worry, Stan. 141 00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,968 My boys won't get in the way. 142 00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:46,841 We're just gonna be joshing around, teasing each other, 143 00:06:46,884 --> 00:06:49,278 sharing our dreams, building our lives, 144 00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:52,586 and creating memories that will last a lifetime. 145 00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:54,849 That's if they're willing to drive up from Champaign, 146 00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:56,764 which they sounded on the fence about. 147 00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,943 I'm gonna bury you guys at improv. 148 00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:03,553 I wrote so much improv. 149 00:07:03,597 --> 00:07:05,947 I got a joke for every location. 150 00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:08,340 Bar, Mission Control, Grocery Store, 151 00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:09,690 another Mission Control. 152 00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,126 Restaurant? 153 00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:12,320 No one's gonna say "restaurant"! 154 00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:13,476 No one's gonna say that! 155 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,478 Welcome to Improv Level One! 156 00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,480 After tonight, you'll see there's no limit 157 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,830 to your comedy dreams beyond the number of classes 158 00:07:19,874 --> 00:07:21,092 you can afford. 159 00:07:21,136 --> 00:07:22,877 So let's go! 160 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,184 You must quit comedy immediately. 161 00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:28,143 - I'm sorry? - You were horrible. 162 00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:30,101 That thing where you kept pulling your shirt 163 00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:31,973 over your head and yelling incoherently? 164 00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:33,278 That's Turtle Man! 165 00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:34,932 A very funny character of mine! 166 00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:37,805 Look, I'm not supposed to discourage anyone. 167 00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:40,111 This theater, like every other comedy theater in America, 168 00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:42,810 is a pyramid scheme. 169 00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:45,508 There are plenty of jobs outside of comedy. 170 00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:47,684 Have you ever considered getting a government job? 171 00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:49,599 Actually I work at the C.I.A. 172 00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:52,210 That's pretty funny. 173 00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:55,083 But that's not a joke. I do work at the C.I.A. 174 00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:56,650 Please leave at once. 175 00:08:00,349 --> 00:08:01,568 What happened?! 176 00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:03,023 My teacher kicked me out of improv class 177 00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:04,396 after only eight minutes. 178 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,659 Wow, that's fast. 179 00:08:05,702 --> 00:08:07,269 But it's only your first setback. 180 00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,314 And my last. I'm quitting. 181 00:08:09,358 --> 00:08:12,404 But we haven't even had time to hang with my Champaign Crew. 182 00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:16,147 Stan, this is Lindsey, Double Dog, and Monty. 183 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,082 Klaus, I don't want to meet your disgusting friends. 184 00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:20,064 They all look like Toomgis the Snack Monster. 185 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,981 Holy crap, this dude's hilarious. 186 00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:25,809 You shouldn't do improv. 187 00:08:25,853 --> 00:08:29,552 You should be a famous stand-up comedian. 188 00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,771 I like these guys. 189 00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:32,773 Seem smart. Stan. 190 00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,209 Name's Stan. 191 00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:35,471 Stan Smith. 192 00:08:37,691 --> 00:08:39,693 Why aren't you guys ready? 193 00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:42,043 We're going on that Deep Dish Pizza Crawl. 194 00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:43,914 Actually we're staying in and helping. 195 00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,849 - Stan with his comedy. - Why would you want to hang out 196 00:08:45,873 --> 00:08:47,439 with these guys anyway, Klaus? 197 00:08:47,483 --> 00:08:49,050 They look like a bunch of Toomgises. 198 00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:52,096 You said that one before, Stan! 199 00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:54,142 I'm recycling some of the classic ones, Klaus. 200 00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:55,317 All the greats do it. 201 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,188 Oh, here's a new joke I thought of... 202 00:08:57,232 --> 00:08:58,886 Klaus got caught sneaking a thermos 203 00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:00,583 into the movie theater and he cried! 204 00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,761 Good one, Stan. 205 00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:06,502 Classic joke structure. 206 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,592 I'm going to, uh, go throw a whiz in the toilet. 207 00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:12,203 Francine. You gotta come get Stan. 208 00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:14,336 He totally crashed and burned trying to do comedy 209 00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:16,338 and he's too ashamed to come home. 210 00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:18,340 Are you not here? 211 00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,255 What, no, I'm in Chicago! 212 00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:22,866 I left weeks ago, when Stan left. 213 00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,781 Huh. Now what's this? 214 00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,609 Stan's given up on comedy! 215 00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:29,438 He just sits on his ass all day with these idiots, 216 00:09:29,481 --> 00:09:31,658 who are supposed to be my friends, by the way. 217 00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:33,573 And if you ever want your husband back, 218 00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:35,575 you got to come get him. 219 00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,624 So, have you been to a deli lately? 220 00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,278 All this deli meat? 221 00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:47,412 I mean, who needs this much deli meat? 222 00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:48,936 And that's how I close the show. 223 00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:56,683 Francine, what are you doing here? 224 00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:58,772 - Klaus called me and... - Klaus?! 225 00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:01,296 Klaus, you called Francine to come get me? 226 00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:02,819 What? No, no. 227 00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:05,517 I only called her to tell her you were doing great. 228 00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:06,867 And I didn't even call her! 229 00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:09,217 So you haven't given up, Stan? 230 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,654 That's great news, because I felt 231 00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:13,830 terrible about not supporting you. 232 00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,876 Everybody felt terrible about that. 233 00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,529 It was a dark day. 234 00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:19,227 Let me make it up to you. 235 00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:21,359 I want to get you out there. 236 00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,448 I'll book you gigs, be your manager. 237 00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:26,103 Hmm. Would that be stepping on your toes, Lindsey? 238 00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,803 Sorry, I guess my cousin got in a car accident. 239 00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:30,978 What's going on, Stan? 240 00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,457 Hey, you focus on your thing. 241 00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,285 Francine's my manager now. 242 00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:36,592 Francine, as I become more and more successful, 243 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,986 your job will be getting me roles in Pixar movies 244 00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:40,596 and defending me on Twitter. 245 00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:45,688 Surf's up, duders! 246 00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:47,429 Stan and Fran are gone. 247 00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:49,257 Time to live a little, guys! 248 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,693 Cowabunga! 249 00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,695 Eungh. I'm droppin' in! 250 00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,479 Eungh. I'm gonna shoot this! 251 00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,090 Eungh. 252 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,787 I'm stayin' upstairs tonight. 253 00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:03,663 Now, this is what the surf community calls hanging loose. 254 00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,363 Honestly, Roger, we're tired from "livin' a little" 255 00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:09,669 with you all the time. 256 00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:12,497 We're burned out on all your schemes, heists, 257 00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:15,152 scams, set-ups, misadventures, and dalliances. 258 00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:17,285 Hmm, I'm starting to think 259 00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,809 maybe you did steal my thesaurus, Steve. 260 00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:22,943 It's just nice to chill for a change, don't you think? 261 00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:26,424 No, what I do think is maybe you guys need a change of scenery. 262 00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:27,730 And I heard there's a rager 263 00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,645 down at Chimdale Harbor. 264 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:33,388 Name's Dirt Mirklegunk and I know how to rock! 265 00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:36,608 No! No! Stop that. 266 00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:37,958 Hard pass! 267 00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:40,612 Ugh, that is super annoying! 268 00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:42,397 - You're annoying! - You know what, Roger? 269 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,268 Maybe you need a little break 270 00:11:44,312 --> 00:11:46,140 from "livin' a little" all the time. 271 00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:48,011 You think so? 272 00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,665 - I don't know. - Tell you what, 273 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,059 why don't you let Hayley and me host you 274 00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,974 for a chill night in? 275 00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:56,890 Hmm, and if that sucks, then we can go live a little? 276 00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,195 - Maybe. - Cool, cool. 277 00:11:58,239 --> 00:11:59,477 By the way, I'm changing my name 278 00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,896 from Dirt Murkledunk to Mirt Dirkledunk. 279 00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:05,115 What's up with electric cars? 280 00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:06,900 Is everything gonna be electric? 281 00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:09,554 What's next? Electric slide? 282 00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:11,774 I prefer my slide to be gas-powered, 283 00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:13,863 thank you very much. 284 00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:16,474 Hmm. No, that's perfect. 285 00:12:16,518 --> 00:12:18,607 Stan, I got you a gig! 286 00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:21,044 There's a show at Pizzeria Uno tonight 287 00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,003 and they had a comedian cancel. 288 00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:24,569 Tonight? I'd better practice 289 00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:27,747 my funny faces in the mirror! 290 00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,836 Your boy's gonna bomb, Francine. 291 00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:31,794 That'd be sad. 292 00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:35,189 Then we'd have to go home where I get to have all the sex 293 00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:36,538 I want with him. 294 00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:38,758 And where the snacks and TV are. 295 00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,281 You want him to bomb! 296 00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:41,325 Yes, Klaus. 297 00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:44,198 You're bad, Francine. 298 00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,678 You're a bad lady. 299 00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:53,120 Hey! Welcome, everybody, to Pizzeria Uno's comedy night, 300 00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:54,643 Take My Slice, Cheese. 301 00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:56,297 Okay. 302 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,995 Our first comedian is some guy. 303 00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:01,737 Let's give it up for him, huh? 304 00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:09,310 Please. "Some Guy" is my father's name. 305 00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,399 So, millennials. 306 00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:13,140 Don't you just wish they were all dead? 307 00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,231 But then who would be left to play Porkymons? 308 00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:21,452 Screw you, let's see you get up here! 309 00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:23,628 I will as soon as the ambulance arrives. 310 00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:24,847 Oh, no. Is something wrong? 311 00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:26,675 Yeah! Someone's choking... 312 00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,329 on stage! 313 00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:29,939 This crowd stinks! 314 00:13:29,983 --> 00:13:31,375 Turtle Man out! 315 00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:35,771 Oh, come on! 316 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,729 He knocked over my pitchers of Blue Moon! 317 00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:39,296 Goddammit! 318 00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,169 Stan, are you okay? 319 00:13:42,212 --> 00:13:44,258 Those are the kinds of shows that make you want 320 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:45,781 to give up and move home. 321 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,392 It's okay. You gave it your all. 322 00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,307 But I'm not going home! With your support, 323 00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:52,309 I can do this for as long as it takes. 324 00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:53,310 Jigga-what?! 325 00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:54,921 You see, I don't want much. 326 00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:57,053 I just want to ascend the mountain of comedy 327 00:13:57,097 --> 00:14:00,535 and stand atop it alone, like a hero or a god. 328 00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:04,452 Or something bigger than a god, a fireball... a firehorse! 329 00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:06,933 Anyone who comes near me shall be burned. 330 00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:08,325 Is that so much to ask? 331 00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:10,066 I guess not. 332 00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:11,851 Whoo! Look out, world! 333 00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,504 Cat! 334 00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:14,592 Yeah, you better run! 335 00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:15,942 Uh-oh, Francine, 336 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:17,595 looks like your support backfired. 337 00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:20,381 You're right. We're never going home. 338 00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:25,255 Smith! The Chinese are trying to kill. 339 00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:28,389 S&L cast member Colin Jokes. 340 00:14:28,432 --> 00:14:30,913 We need an agent on the inside. 341 00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:34,438 Please tell me you've become a world-class comedian! 342 00:14:34,482 --> 00:14:36,179 S&L? 343 00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:38,007 That's the top of the mountain. 344 00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,704 We'd be done. 345 00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,097 He'll do it! 346 00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,055 You ready to get out of here? 347 00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,840 Stan! You got S&L! 348 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,450 What? How? 349 00:14:46,494 --> 00:14:49,627 Uh, one of the busboys was a scout 350 00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:51,151 and thought you were a genius. 351 00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:53,675 Yes! I made it to S&L! 352 00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:55,938 And I didn't have to deploy my best character... 353 00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:58,288 Guy who talks with a crazy voice! 354 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,207 So Stan really thinks he's funny enough to be on S&L? 355 00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:07,776 Yeah, and if he finds out otherwise, it'll destroy him. 356 00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:09,996 So don't say anything about this being a mission. 357 00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,364 But shouldn't he know the Chinese are trying 358 00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:12,912 to kill Colin Jokes? 359 00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,957 Stan's a C.I.A. agent. 360 00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:18,308 If anything happens, his spy instincts will take over. 361 00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:19,657 Well, he better not mess this up 362 00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:22,138 because I want to go to the cast after-party. 363 00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:23,618 I met a girl on Bumble who claims 364 00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:26,403 she's second cousins with Pete Davidson 365 00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:28,971 and I want to make sure she's not a liar. 366 00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:32,540 One extra-hot Cranberry Juice Cocktail. 367 00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:36,631 All right, I think I'm ready. 368 00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:38,198 There he is! 369 00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,026 S&L Creator and Executive Producer. 370 00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:41,810 Lorne Mykies! 371 00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:45,770 Stan, I just wanted to personally thank you. 372 00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:49,122 It's good to know Colin's going to be safe out there. 373 00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:50,601 He'll be safe, all right. 374 00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:52,908 Safe in a blanket of warm laughter. 375 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,866 It's wild. 376 00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:56,651 All this just because we made a couple jokes 377 00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:58,566 about the Chinese government. 378 00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:00,350 I've got some pretty good Chinese jokes 379 00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,004 that aren't about the government. 380 00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:04,088 Don't worry, I'll only break 'em out if we need 'em. 381 00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:08,315 The C.I.A. told me you were funny. 382 00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:10,970 Hmm. What do you think he meant by "the C.I.A. 383 00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,232 told me you were funny"? 384 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:13,973 Who knows? That guy's a weirdo! 385 00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:17,889 All you have to do now is relax and read the cue cards. 386 00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:20,675 Remember, S&L has the funniest writers in the world. 387 00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:22,503 They do now that I'm here. 388 00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:25,462 That's why I rewrote all the cue cards with my own punchlines. 389 00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:26,724 What?! 390 00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,465 What pen did you use? 391 00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,424 And what end did you hold? 392 00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:34,994 Don't want to live a little, 393 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,604 Well, this is the other way to go. 394 00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:44,699 Damn, what's in this shit? 395 00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:47,093 Rum & Cokes! Get your rum & Cokes! 396 00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,442 I can't drink rum. 397 00:16:48,485 --> 00:16:49,791 Yours doesn't have rum in it. 398 00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:51,923 - Which one's mine? - Any one without the "X." 399 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,882 So it's movie night and we're stayin' in. 400 00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,840 Love it. 401 00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:59,844 Tonight's entertainment is 2017's The Beguiled, 402 00:16:59,888 --> 00:17:02,064 about an injured Union soldier in the South 403 00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:03,892 that comes upon a school full of women. 404 00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:06,025 Fair warning... whenever I watch a movie, 405 00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,679 I can't resist making hilarious little comments. 406 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:14,642 Beguiled? More like buh... 407 00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:17,079 buh-bullshiiiiiit. 408 00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,130 You can't start Week In Updates! 409 00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,610 Oh, no, it started. 410 00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:29,309 And I totally would have stopped it for you. 411 00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:33,008 Hello. I'm Colin Jokes. 412 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,444 And I'm Stan Smith. 413 00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:36,359 And this is Week In Updates. 414 00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:38,666 Honey! Langley Stan! 415 00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,798 My buddy from college! He's done it! 416 00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:43,627 He's ascended the mountain! 417 00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:46,500 Oh, sorry. Didn't see you'd fallen asleep. 418 00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,502 The city of Philadelphia had quite a mess 419 00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:50,025 on its hands this week 420 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,506 when 80 cows got loose on the freeway. 421 00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:55,291 When reached for comment, the Mayor of Philadelphia said, 422 00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,684 "Millennials? 423 00:17:56,727 --> 00:18:00,775 Don't you wish they were all dead?" 424 00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:03,386 But then who would eat all the avacordo torst? 425 00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:07,999 Tough crowd. 426 00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:10,567 Oh, no, Turtle Man. 427 00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:12,743 Wait, look at Colin Jokes' hand. 428 00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,658 A bomb detonator! 429 00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:16,573 Colin Jokes isn't the target. 430 00:18:16,617 --> 00:18:18,140 He's the attacker! 431 00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:19,794 But Stan can't see! 432 00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:21,752 His spy instincts won't kick in! 433 00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:24,277 We've got to do something! 434 00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:29,978 They love me. 435 00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:31,371 Riiiight. 436 00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:32,850 Spy instincts! 437 00:18:52,914 --> 00:18:56,613 I've heard of a comedian bombing, but this is ridiculous. 438 00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,928 Wow, pretty good for a movie with no dinosaurs, 439 00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:08,799 don't ya think? 440 00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:12,151 Sleepy heads countin' sheep. Don't worry. 441 00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:15,066 Uncle Roger'll clean up all the cups and poison. 442 00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:17,199 The poison! To the hospital! 443 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,470 Did they find the real Colin Jokes? 444 00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:29,733 He was tied up in his dressing room. 445 00:19:29,777 --> 00:19:31,300 Turns out the Chinese were only 446 00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:34,216 after tonight's musical guest, Pitbull. 447 00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,566 I guess China's President is in a legal battle 448 00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:39,569 with him over the title of Mr. Worldwide. 449 00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,658 I should really get on the horn with Beijing, 450 00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:44,095 see if I can smooth things over. 451 00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:47,795 Stan, I want to thank you again for saving the show. 452 00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:50,928 You got it. Anything for the almighty laugh. 453 00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:52,372 And you know what the weird part is? 454 00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,280 It felt just like being on a mission. 455 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:55,672 I'm normally a C.I.A. agent. 456 00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:58,284 Haha! That's funny. 457 00:19:58,327 --> 00:20:00,503 You're funny. 458 00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:02,113 You hear that, Francine? 459 00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:04,290 Lorne Mykies said I was funny. 460 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,466 How's the view from the top of the mountain? 461 00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:07,989 Majestic. 462 00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:10,209 But you know, the most fun I had 463 00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:11,819 out there was disarming that bomb 464 00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,864 and beating that man to a pulp. 465 00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:16,563 Maybe it's time to go back home and work at the C.I.A. again. 466 00:20:16,606 --> 00:20:18,739 That sounds wonderful, Stan. 467 00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,436 Now let's get home. 468 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,222 Feels like I haven't seen Toshi and the gang in forever. 469 00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:28,923 Wh-What happened? 470 00:20:28,966 --> 00:20:30,403 Why are we in the hospital? 471 00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:31,708 No one knows. 472 00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:33,536 Doctors aren't ruling out poison, though. 473 00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,625 And the tests all say that's definitely what it was. 474 00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:37,410 Which is probably why... 475 00:20:37,453 --> 00:20:40,891 the boys in blue have been contacted. 476 00:20:41,588 --> 00:20:44,025 So I gotta mosey. 477 00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:45,331 The important thing? 478 00:20:45,374 --> 00:20:46,767 Remember to live a little, right? 479 00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,682 Can't thumb your nose at life. 480 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,035 Rope was too long! 481 00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:56,603 And not tied to anything?! 482 00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:58,300 Bye! Have a beautiful time! 34300

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