All language subtitles for Two.and.a.Half.Men.324.DVDRiP-SAiNTS.EN

Hello?

Anybody?

Big news.

l'm gonna marry Mia.

Hey, Alan.

l'm in the shower.

Guess what l'm gonna do
with Mia.

Guess what l'm already doing
with Kandi.

That's not fair, Alan.

You have to give him a hint.

He doesn't need a hint.

Well, then how's he supposed
to guess?

Oh, well.

Look, a place to hang my washcloth.

The rule of thumb
with an engagement ring. . .

. . .is that the price should equal
three months' salary.

l wonder what broad
came up with that.

lt's a marketing scheme dreamed up
by the international diamond cartel.

Probably a bunch of chicks.

But at least diamonds are forever.

Oh, yeah, forever.
My ex-wife still has hers.

Meanwhile, l'm wearing mismatched
socks from the irregular bin.

Well, Mia and l are gonna go
the distance.

Fifteen, maybe 20 years.

That's not the distance.

The distance is death.

lf l'm still married
after 20 years, kill me.

-l can't believe you're doing this at all.
-Why not?

Why shouldn't someone like me
settle down with a wife and kids?

Boy, l don't know where to start.

That's the old Charlie
you're thinking of.

Oh, okay.

And to whom am l speaking now?

-May l help you gentlemen?
-We're looking for an engagement ring.

How nice.

Do you have anything in mind?

Nothing ostentatious.

Something in a brilliant cut,
perhaps with complementary baguettes.

Size isn't as important
as color and clarity.

Well, someone knows what he wants.

What can l say?

He's my life.

So basically l asked her to marry me
and she said yes.

-What do you think about that, Jake?
-Good.

That's it? Good?

lt's not good?

No, it's good.

That's what l said.

All right, l'm full.

Wears his little heart on his sleeve,
doesn't he?

lt's my own fault.

l should've known better
than to talk to him at feeding time.

Charlie, l need to speak to you.

l'll be right out, Rose.

-Did you tell her?
-Of course not.

-Would you?
-No.

-l'll let you be my best man.
-You mean l'm not?

Well, you're on the short list
but this could cinch it.

Come on, that woman has been
obsessed with you for years.

She's gonna find out sooner or later.
Let it come from you.

Yeah, l guess.

She has a boyfriend now.
She probably won't care.

-Probably not.
-So why won't you tell her?

Because if l want my eyebrows shaved,
l'll shave them myself.

Hey, Rosey Rose.

What's up, Rosey Rose?

Gordon dumped me.

Oh, damn it to hell.

l know, it's awful.

How could he do this?

He couldn't be with me anymore
knowing that l'm still in love with you.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes. . .

. . .yes, yes.

Listen, Rose.

-There's something l have to tell you.
-ls it good news?

l could use some good news.

Well. . .

-. . .you remember Mia?
-Yeah.

Don't tell me you're dating her again.

No, no. No, we are not dating.

Good. Because l always thought
she was kind of a head case.

Yeah.

Look, the thing is, l'm gonna,
kind of, marry her.

Rose?

-Did you hear me?
-l heard you.

You're gonna marry Mia.

So are you okay?

Sure.

Why wouldn't l be okay?

Well, l was afraid the news might come
as a bit of a shock to you.

Afraid?

There's nothing to be afraid of, Charlie.

You're my friend.

Where are you going?

l have things to do.

-What kind of things?
-Things.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Hello, Alan.

Hello.

Did she just use the front door?

She's never used
the front door before.

What happened out there?

Well, l told her
l was gonna marry Mia. . .

. . .and l think l could actually see
her medication stop working.

-What do you think she's gonna do?
-The question isn't what, it's when.

And how l'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon
with my testicles glued to my ass-crack.

-That's a pretty wedding gown.
-Oh, yeah.

l could crawl under there
during the reception. . .

. . .and no one would have a clue.

Well, you would.

Stop.

l don't think you'd say that.

lsn't it beautiful?

They say you're supposed to spend
three months' salary but l went four.

-Because l'm worth it?
-No, actually l had a slow first quarter.

My dad called today. He wants to
take your family out for dinner.

Yeah, well, tell him he can have one
or the other but not both.

Come on, they're gonna have to
meet sooner or later.

Okay, but why don't we wait
for a real happy occasion?

-What's happier than a wedding?
-My mother's funeral springs to mind.

There'll be music, dancing,
my mom will be in a box.

You're horrible.

That's a gorgeous wedding cake.

lt's okay.

l'm not big on having
the little action figures on top.

-They kind of creep me out.
-They're traditional.

Hey, this is our wedding,
we can do whatever we want.

We don't even have to have cake,
we could have pie.

A wedding pie?

Well, we'd probably need
more than one.

You know, so everybody gets
some crust.

Alan, what do you think
about a wedding with no cake?

No cake? Where would you put
the little bride and groom?

l can think of one place.

-lf you do a wedding, do it right.
-Thank you, Alan.

You're welcome. Which reminds me,
l found my wedding folder.

-Guess what was in it?
-The claim check for your manhood?

As l was saying. . .

. . .it's all here. Everything you could
possibly need for your big day.

From paper samples
for your announcements. . .

. . .to selected verses of poetry
well-suited for wedding vows.

And you wonder why people
think you're gay.

Oh, shush.

Now, you're talking cake
but we are light years away from cake.

First we have to discuss the budget,
the venue, how many guests.

ls it gonna be a sit-down dinner
or a buffet.

Then you need to hire a photographer
and a videographer. Then a florist.

Have you thought about flowers?

Well, lilies are nice.

Lilies are perfect if the bride and groom
are recently deceased.

But l like lilies.

Mia, we'll never get through this
if you don't focus.

Now, wedding party.

Bridesmaids. What are they wearing?

l suggest an unflattering style
in a hideous color. . .

. . .because after all, this is your day.

Oh, and before l forget, although
it's not politically correct to throw rice. . .

. . .if you throw birdseed, you run the risk
of ending like a Hitchcock movie.

What kind of pie
did you have in mind?

Well, look who's here.
The bride of Drunkenstein.

Look.

Wow, that's quite a rock.

You know what we call babes
with rings like that in my neighborhood?

Stumpy.

What are you looking at me for?
Just stay out of her neighborhood.

That was uncomfortable.

No, sand in my urethra
is uncomfortable.

That meal was a freaking disaster.

l'm gonna stay with my family,
try and calm my mother down.

The miserable bitch.

-Your family hates me, don't they?
-Not just you.

l'll call you later.

Do you believe your
future mother-in-law?

Shows up at a four-star restaurant
wearing a tracksuit. . .

. . .with the word ''juicy'' stretched across
her half-acre ass.

l can read, Mom.

Can we go back?
l forgot my doggy bag.

We can never go back, Jake.

Come on, it's not the end
of the world.

Easy for you to say. You're not marrying
into the Addams family.

Oh, like you were a prize.

Slipping a prenuptial agreement
into my fianc�e's menu.

l am just trying to protect you. . .

. . .from being wiped out
by a vindictive ex-wife. . .

. . .who will use your hard-earned money
to finance a frivolous life of partying. . .

. . .and shopping
and unnecessary plastic surgery.

-Mom--
-Every one of my surgeries. . .

. . .was necessary.

And if l had signed a pre-nup. . .

. . .you would never have gone
to music camp. . .

. . .and Alan would have an overbite
you could use to open a can of Pennzoil.

l didn't know Mia's last name
was Addams.

l didn't know her sister is a cop.

Was a cop.

Now she's a dry drunk
with a grudge and a .38.

Well, l liked her.

Well, that's because she had
the same haircut as you.

l was a little shocked that her father
stuck you with the bill.

You know why you noticed that?

Because the two of you
trampled each other. . .

. . .trying to get to the men's room
when you saw the waiter bringing it.

l drank a lot of iced tea.

Well, l had a very nice time.

Sure, you got to inform my bride-to-be
and her entire family. . .

. . .that you had sex with me
before you had sex with him.

l was just telling Mia
l know how lucky she is.

Nevertheless, honey,
it was not an appropriate toast.

Juicy-pants almost choked to death
on her lamb shank.

Well, in all fairness, the woman was
stuffing her face like a musket.

All l can say is,
after tonight's fiasco. . .

. . .l'm gonna have to rethink
the seating chart for the wedding.

Yeah, well, it won't be
that complicated.

-Why not?
-Because none of you are invited.

Well, Mom, if you wear an animal print
tracksuit to a nice restaurant. . .

. . .people are gonna make comments.

l agree.

Calling you a cougar with arm fat
was over the line.

Hang on.

Hello, Mia.

l'll call you back.

You don't think Mia's gonna turn
into her mother, do you?

l wouldn't worry about it.

Yeah.

What l would worry about
is you turning her into our mother.

Thanks for ruining my wedding night,
Dr. Freud.

Hey, don't set the bar too high
for the wedding night.

-What are you talking about?
-lt's a long, stressful day.

You'll be exhausted, full of banquet food
and cheap champagne.

Take my advice.

Tell her you love her,
give her a big kiss. . .

. . .and try to fall asleep with your ass
pointed toward an open window.

You, sir, have the heart of a poet.

l am merely the voice
of smelly experience.

Well then, let me ask you this.

l know things didn't end well
with you and Judith. . .

. . .but overall,
did you like being married?

Oh, l loved being married.

Never missed having sex
with other women?

Sure. But l missed that
before l got married too.

What l loved was the idea of having
someone that l could always turn to.

Someone who cared about me.

Someone who'd always stand by me
through thick and thin.

lt does sound nice.

Yeah, so does Disneyland.

Yet every day people stagger off
those giant teacups covered in vomit.

But you'd do it again?

What can l say?

Marriage is a great ride. . .

. . .until you puke.

-Good night.
-Good night.

Charlie.

Mia?

Your friend Rose
was just at my apartment.

So how'd that go?

She was wearing a bridal gown.
Planning on wearing it to our wedding.

She wanted me to know
so we wouldn't clash.

Well, that's kind of thoughtful, isn't it?

l'm not finished.
She wanted to give me a shower.

An engagement shower?

An actual soap and water shower.

l don't want her at my wedding.

Hey, l don't want her in my zip code.

But she's a close friend.

-Charlie.
-All right, all right, l'll tell you what. . .

. . .l'll cross Rose off the guest list. . .

. . .if you dump that pistol-packing
hermaphrodite you call a sister.

She's my maid of honor. . .

. . .the gun is registered,
and she's taking hormones.

While we're pruning,
what about your mother?

Done. She's out. Now your mother.

You would've thrown your mother
overboard for free.

l don't care. lf she goes. . .

. . .somebody on your side's gotta go.
How about your father?

He takes us all out to dinner and the only
plastic he's got on him is his shoes.

Charlie, he has to give me away
at the wedding.

Give you away? That cheapskate?

l'll probably have to trade him a pony
and a couple of blankets for you.

We're gonna have a wedding that none
of our family and friends can attend?

Might as well go to Vegas and elope.

Now, there's an interesting concept.

ln Vegas, not only
could we get married immediately. . .

. . .we can get drunk
and gamble away our nest egg.

Don't forget the lap dances
and hookers.

Oh, you're gonna make a great wife.

All the wonderful plans
l had for a wedding.

Let it go, Alan.

l don't understand the big rush.

You wouldn't even stop
for boutonnieres.

l just wanna get this over with.

Get this over with?

That's the attitude you take
to a proctologist, not a marriage.

Well, maybe l'm a little nervous.

-ls that all it is?
-What are you saying?

l'm saying that if you're feeling uneasy,
maybe you're not ready for this.

-Did you have doubts when you married?
-None.

Judith assured me
l was doing the right thing.

That's all l got.

Hi.

-You look beautiful.
-Thanks.

l was afraid you were gonna
chicken out.

That's funny, she said the same thing
about you.

Thank you, Kandi.

Are you sure this is
what you wanna do?

l'm sure. Are you?

Absolutely.

Okay. Who's the lucky couple?

Well, we're the ones getting married,
so l guess it's them.

-Charlie.
-A joke.

Alrighty. Now, before we begin
the ceremony. . .

. . .l need both your signatures
there and there.

Okay.

So are you folks staying in Vegas or are
you honeymooning somewhere else?

l don't know.
What do you think, sweetie?

Oh, can l talk to you for a second?

What'd l say?
Am l in trouble already?

Baby, l swear to God,
l think we're the lucky couple.

Relax, l just want to talk to you
about our honeymoon.

l'll take you anywhere you wanna go.

Frankly, l'd pick a place
with a nice ceiling. . .

. . .because we're just gonna take turns
looking at it.

Charlie, l would love to honeymoon
with you.

But, well, l have to work. . .

. . .and l think it'd be smarter
to use the money to redo the house.

Oh, l get it.
You gave up trying to change me. . .

. . .so now the house has to suffer?

lf we're gonna have a family,
we'll turn the second bedroom. . .

-. . .into a nursery.
-But that's where Jake stays.

But once Alan moves out. . .

. . .then Jake won't be staying there
anymore, right?

-Alan's moving out?
-Of course he is.

lsn't he?

This is so romantic.

When l was a little girl,
l used to love playing bride.

Me too.

l mean, l was the groom.

Most of the time.

You think you'll ever
get married again?

l don't know. l hope so.

You should because you'd make
a good husband.

You're kind, considerate, dependable and
you're cuter than a duck wearing a hat.

Oh, come on, Charlie,
we need our privacy.

But they're my family.
l can't just kick them out.

You could've said something
before now.

Who knew your idea of marriage
was you and me alone in a house?

As long as l've known you, you've been
complaining about Alan living with you.

And you want to take that
away from me?

l thought you were ready to grow up
but clearly l was wrong.

What's more grown up than wanting
to take care of my family?

Let's not forget, you're the one
who came back to me.

l only came back
because l wanted your sperm.

Yeah, well, it's a package deal.

My sperm and my brother
go hand in hand.

Kandi, this is so sudden.

l know. But lots of good things
are sudden.

Like sun showers, orgasms.

That's two things.

Multiple orgasms.

That's five.

All right, deal's off.
Let's get out of here.

Hang on. Are you really serious
about this?

You love me, l love you,
the sex is great.

The sex is unbelievable.

Wait, what'd you say?

l said the wedding's off.

Oh, my God, what happened?

lt doesn't matter.

What's important is l just avoided
making a huge mistake.

Charlie, l am so sorry.

Oh, thanks.

Now let's head for a strip joint,
get drunk and let the healing begin.

Yeah, but before we do that,
l was wondering. . .

-. . .could l ask you for a little favor.
-Yeah?

-Can l borrow your wedding ring?
-What for?

Well, l thought as long
as we're in Vegas, l'd marry Kandi.

Are you insane?

Oh, come on, you're not using it.

By the powers vested in me
by the state of Nevada. . .

. . .l now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

l don't freaking believe it.

Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting
what you always wanted.

l'm moving out of your house.

l don't freaking believe it.

Subtitles by
SDl Media Group

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