All language subtitles for Ruggles.Of.Red.Gap.1935.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Ten o'clock, my lord.

- Oh, what's that?
- Ten o'clock, my lord.

(Burnstead groans)

Anything wrong, my lord?

Everything's wrong.

- Shellfish again for supper, my lord?
- Mm, what of it?

You know what they do
to your digestion, my lord.

They don't do a thing to my digestion.

- No, my lord?
- No.

If you want to know, I had oysters and
lobsters and sherry and champagne.

Quite, my lord.

I had dinner and spent the evening
with Mr and Mrs Floud.

- The Americans, my lord?
- Yes.

They taught me their native game
of, um...drawing poker.

- Quite a 'orrible experience, my lord.
- Yes, it was.

I am putting out your light grey,
my lord.

(Clears throat) There is something
in the air this morning

- which calls for light grey, I think.
- Mm, possibly.

(Hammering)

- What's all this mess?
- I'm packin' up.

We're goin' home, Effie.
I can be pushed just so far and no further.

Egbert, get dressed.
I'm sending you over to fetch Ruggles.

Now look-a-here!
I ain't gonna have no English valet.

- Oh, yes, you are.
- No, I ain't.

I got about as much use for one of them
as a pig has for side pockets.

I'm going to turn you into a gentleman
if it kills me.

Well, you can't do it by hirin' a man
to give me a bath and dress me.

I can button myself up.
I been doin' it for years.

You don't seem to realise
what this would mean to us socially.

- How? How socially?
- Why, in Red Gap.

It will give us, er...tone, joie de vivre.

What's that?

It...um...er...tone.

(Laughs) To have him there.

Havin' who?

Effie, you ain't aimin' on taking Ruggles
to Red Gap?

(Laughs) I certainly am.
Egbert, get your clothes on.

Now look-a-here, Effie.
I can be pushed just so far and no further.

Egbert. Get your clothes on.

Well, why? Why?

Uh...why?

Ruggles, how are you
about, er...shocks?

- Shocks, my lord?
- Yes, you know, shocks. Upheavals.

Er...you've always stood up under them
pretty well, haven't you?

- I trust I have, my lord.
- Yes, I remember.

You...you were very firm
with that Spanish girl.

- She was a dancer, wasn't she?
- Quite so, my lord.

Yes, unaccountable number
of Spanish dancers in Madrid.

Rather more than in most places
we've been, my lord.

- Ah, yes.
- Rather a pippin, wasn't she?

- Oh, rather, yes.
- Prettier than the typist person.

Oh, much, yes.

Yes, I nearly chucked everything
and went to...went to America with her.

America would never do for you,
my lord.

I don't know. A lot of opportunities
over there, the right kind of fellow.

I... You'll do very well for yourself
there, I think, Ruggles.

Me, my lord?

Oh, yes. Yes, I forgot to tell you.
You're...you're going out to America.

America, my lord?

A country of slavery.

Oh, that's all finished, I believe.

Some fellow called Pocahontas
or something

did something about it or...or other.

- Indeed, my lord?
- Mm.

Would it be North or South America,
my lord?

Oh. Oh, North, I think it is.
Somewhere on the West Coast.

Idaho or Omaha,
one of those Indian places.

- The chap's a sort of a millionaire.
- The chap, my lord?

Yes, plenty of money, you know.
Mines, lumber,

domestic animals and that sort of thing.

His wife took quite a fancy to you
and, er...so they've...

won you.

- Won me, my lord?
- Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. We were playing this game
of drawing poker, you see.

It seems there's a thing called bluffing

and, though I say it myself,
I'm particularly good at it.

Do I understand...

(Clears throat)
...that I was the stake, my lord?

Oh, yes, yes. Rather, yes.

Ha-ha. Yes. You see, I didn't realise
that they were bluffing too.

I...I had three of the eights
against a flush of clubs.

So, you really only lost by one eight.

- Indeed, my lord?
- Oh, yes.

I do hope you don't think I didn't lose you
gamely as a gentleman should, Ruggles.

North America, my lord.

Quite an untamed country,
I understand.

Yes, I expect so, yes.

(Bell rings)

Oh, yes, that must be Mr Floud
come to collect you, Ruggles.

Yes.

Yes, thank you, Ruggles.

Come in, sir.

Well, how are you, Mr Ruggles?

(Clears throat) Well, how do?

Er...good morning, sir.
Won't you be seated, sir?

Yeah, thanks.

(Clears throat) Now, er...
now look-a-here, Mr Ruggles.

I want you to understand that
this wasn't my idea at all, you know.

- This was Effie's.
- So I understand, sir.

(Chuckles) Yes, sir, when she gets
her mind set on something,

she's a wildcat, believe me.

I have no reason to doubt you, sir.

- Well, well, you old tarantula!
- Oh.

- Well, how...how you coming?
- Hello, hello, hello, hello.

(Clears throat) I...I guess
you know what I'm here for.

Yes, I do, yes.

Well, I ain't any more joyouser about it
than you are.

But...but you know Effie. Hm.

I tell you, when she gets riled up,
she'd fight a rattlesnake

and give it the first two bites.

(Egbert laughs)

I fancy you'll find Ruggles fairish enough.

Oh, that's all right, Earl.
Your word's good enough for me.

(Laughs and clears throat)

Er...well, I don't want to hurry you there,
Bill, but you'd better pack your grip.

- (Ruggles) Pack my grip, sir?
- Yeah.

Oh, hold on. Wait a minute.
You ain't got time. Effie's in a hurry.

You'd better check in first
and then pick up your duds later, see?

Very good, sir.

Is there anything further
I can do for you, my lord?

I fancy not, Ruggles, no.

This is rather sudden, isn't it?

Well, bound to be sudden,
you know, a thing like this, I mean.

I can't help worrying about
what will happen to you, my lord.

Oh, Ruggles, don't. I'll be all right.

Be rather fun dressing myself, I expect.

I hope you will enjoy it, my lord.

(Burnstead) Oh, of course I shall.

- Your digestive tablets.
- Oh, yes.

You ought to take your two.

Yes, well...well, goodbye, Ruggles.

And look after yourself
and all that sort of thing.

- Yes, my lord. Thank you, my lord.
- Oh, don't thank me.

- I ought to thank you, really.
- No, my lord.

I am ready, sir.

Eh?
Oh, yes, yes, sure.

It's kind of sad, ain't it?

Well, so long, Earl. Keep your head up.

Goodbye, Floud.

Thank you.

Goodbye, my lord.

He has the worst taste
of any man I ever knew.

- To the cleaner, madame?
- To the cleaner?

I want the whole lot
taken out and burned.

- Burned, madame?
- Burned to ashes.

- And then burn the ashes.
- Oui, madame.

My husband is to have
an entirely new outfit.

Er...will you look at that?

He liked that so well,
he bought two of them.

Even the moths wouldn't eat those.

Come on, Bill, come on, come on.
Stir your stumps.

Hey, hey, hey!
Where you going with my clothes?

Well, maybe...maybe
she's gonna get 'em pressed.

Well, this is the place.
Here we go. Here...

Where are you? Where...

- Well, go ahead in.
- After you, sir.

- Well, go on, go on.
- Oh, no, sir.

Er...you're too darned polite.

Effie! Effie!

Come on in, Bill.
Make yourself at home. Effie!

Er...we got company.

Well, Ruggles, here you are.

Oh, I'm so delighted I got you.

I've had my eye on you
ever since I met His Lordship.

I do hope and trust you're going to like it
with us, both here and in Red Gap.

Red Gap, madam?

Er...yes, our home town, you know,
in the state of Washington.

(Laughs) It's a little, er...
bourgeoisie, I'm afraid,

but I think you'll find a few of us who
still really care about what's happening

in the, er... hautmonde.

Ah, indubitably, madam.

Oh, what beautiful French you speak,
Ruggles.

- Effie!
- Yes?

Effie, what's that hired girl
gonna do with my clothes?

Never mind.

Now, Ruggles, the first thing
we have to do is take Mr Floud out

and get him a whole new outfit.

Now, what for?
Now, what's the matter with my clothes?

They're all right.
Bill said so, didn't you, Bill?

Er...Egbert.

I let him dress himself
according to his own taste today...

(Laughs)...and you see
what he looks like.

Do you think we can do
anything about him, Ruggles?

I dare say he could be
smartened up a bit, madam.

Well, I'll dare say more than that.
I can be pushed just so far and...

Egbert, you listen to me.

Look at his tie.
You see what I mean?

His appearance is so disgraceful, I...
I hate to take him any place.

Yeah, you ought to see
some of the places she...

Egbert, you'll do as you're told.
Come along.

Your hat, sir.

Now, you see what I meant about
the wildcat and rattlesnake, don't you?

Look here, now, you go easy
on this clothes business

- and remember I like checks.
- Egbert.

- Go ahead.
- After you, sir.

- No, no. Go on, go on.
- Oh, no, no, sir.

What, are we gonna do this
all over again?

Madame, what, er...
what can I do for you today?

We want a lot of things
for the gentleman.

- Ah, for the gentleman?
- This is the gentleman.

Ah.

Oh, something...something similar
to what he's wearing?

Similar to... What is this,
a second-hand store?

Oh, no, madame!

You see, he got these clothes
under the most peculiar circumstances.

You see, he...
Mm.

The gentleman's present condition
is purely the result of an accident.

The gentleman's hotel
burned down during the night.

The gentleman rushed from the burning
building in, er...the altogether.

Wait, wait, wait! What is all this?

The gentleman was forced to accept
the loan of garments from onlookers.

All circus people!

(Both laugh)

Now I understand the gentleman's
ridiculous appearance!

Well, you...you ain't
no geranium yourself.

(Effie) Egbert.

Would you be kind enough to show us
something in morning coats?

Morning coats?
Mais oui, monsieur. Un moment.

(Effie) Try to walk, Egbert.

What do you think of him, Ruggles?

In the main, madam,
I am not dissatisfied.

(Chuckles)
I think he looks very distingué.

Gay nothing. I look like that bantam
rooster I had before it was run over.

When you came in here,

you looked like that bantam rooster
after he was run over.

Voilà, monsieur, the spats!

Oh, now, look-a-here, Bill! Now,
I don't have to wear them things, do I?

Spats, sir, mark the difference

between a man well turned out
and a man merely dressed.

Now, Egbert, go over and sit down
and be well turned out.

No, sir, I won't wear 'em.
I won't wear 'em.

They'll make me look like
my drawers were hanging down.

- Monsieur!
- No, sir.

I can be pushed just so far
and no further!

- Monsieur! Un moment!
- Egbert! Egbert!

Ruggles, Ruggles, go...go catch him!

Oh, dear!

Why, Egbert,
you look like a different man!

Yeah, maybe I'd better change
my name.

Here, here, here, here!
What are you gonna do now?

- We're...we're going to trim it.
- Oh, no, you won't!

But, Egbert, it doesn't go with the spats.

I don't care. That moustache
is gonna stay just the way it is.

What would the fellows say in Red Gap,

if they saw me come home
with a cut moustache?

No, sir, you don't go and get...

All right, all right, you can chew the rag
about it as much as you want.

I ain't gonna let you do it.

It took me 20 years
to build up this moustache

and I ain't gonna have
nobody monkey with it now.

Oh, Egbert!

- (Laughs)
- Oh, Effie!

- Hm.
- Oh, madam!

Gah!

Oh, Bill!

Effie, I wouldn't do that to a dog.

Look, Egbert, isn't it nice?

- How do you like it, monsieur?
- Well, I don't know. Let me see.

How would you like it?

- (Laughs raucously)
- Monsieur!

- Where are you going?
- I'm going home.

I'm gonna find myself a closet
so that I can hide in it.

Oh, no, you're not.
You're going with Ruggles.

Now, come along.
Come on, get out there.

I wish you'd make up your mind, Effie.

Oh, Ruggles?

While I do some shopping, you might
spend a few hours with Egbert...

I mean Mr Floud, in the art galleries.

Art galleries? Yes, madam.

Yes, he's been writing down a few
of his impressions in this little book.

(Laughs) Art, it seems,
is Egbert's emotional outlet.

Get him home early, Ruggles.

We have a few very important people
coming in for dinner.

And see that he acts like a gentleman,
if you have to hog-tie him.

Place Vendôme!

Er...goodbye...goodbye, Effie.
Goodbye.

We have a common sympathy in
the pictorial arts, if I may say so, sir.

- Mm-hm?
- Shall we stroll towards the Louvre?

Wait a minute. She'll be
around the corner in a minute.

Now.

(Vehicle sounding horn)

Come on, let's grab a table.

Madam instructed me to conduct you
to the art galleries, sir.

Well...well, you wouldn't know it,
but this is it. Come on.

- Hey, Max! Oh, Max?
- Oui, monsieur.

- Max, bring me my book, you know...
- (Max) Oui, monsieur.

(Laughs)
They keep my book handy here for me.

- I...I got a system.
- Oh!

Oh, monsieur, qu'il est grand!
Quelle surprise!

Yeah, yeah, they tricked me.

- That's it, Max, now, give me a pencil.
- Oui, monsieur.

- And give us a couple of beers.
- Oui, monsieur, oui, oui.

Now, here's what I do, Bill, see?

I copy out of this here big book
into this here little one,

and then I show Effie
how much I learned at the art galleries.

(Laughs)

Yes, sir, but I fail to see how you are
to acquire culture in this way, sir.

Well, I don't know. I been getting away
with it ever since I come to Paris.

Now, look, you write it this time and
that'll make it stronger with Effie, see?

And pick out something good,
something in the middle there,

about, "Here lies the true lovers of art
entranced" or something.

(Clears throat)

Here is displayed
in its full flower, sir...

Well, sit down, sit down.
You can't write standing up.

- Sit down.
- Oh, no, sir.

Oh. Oh, I know
what's the matter with you.

You think I'm mad at you on account
of these clothes and everything, huh?

Well, I ain't.

I may be a little mad at Effie, but I ain't
mad at you. Now, go on, sit down.

There is a certain difference
in our walks of life, sir,

which makes it impossible for me to sit
at the same table with yourself, sir.

Well, you ain't ashamed to sit here,
are you?

Ashamed? It isn't that, sir.

It just doesn't do for a gentleman's
servant to sit with his superiors, sir.

Superiors, nothing. You're as good as I am,
and I'm as good as you are, ain't I?

- Well, sir...
- Well, ain't I?

Er...yes, sir.

Well, then, what's eatin' you? Sit down
and take the weight off your shoes.

There. There you are, you see?
That didn't hurt, did it?

(Laughs)

Mm. Mac, that's just
what we've been waiting for.

(Grunts) Aha!

Well, here you go, Colonel.
Here's, er...spying on you.

Well, ain't you gonna drink with me?

What's the matter with you?
Don't you ever have no fun?

Ain't you happy?

Well, don't you ever smile?

Well, that ain't much of a smile.
Don't you feel good?

I'm in perfect health, sir,

but it is rather a shock to find oneself
breaking the tradition of generations.

Well, don't let it throw you, Colonel.
Come on.

Excuse me, sir, but you must remember
to address me as Ruggles, sir,

and not as Colonel or as Bill or as
Mr Ruggles, as you've been doing, sir.

Now, why?
Why can't I call you Colonel?

If we were overheard, sir,
people might take us to be equals.

Well, listen. Where I come from,
everybody is equal, see?

Ah, that may be
all very well for America, sir,

but it would never do with us.

Well, let's not get into no more argument
about it. We got work to do.

And then we can settle down
to some real drinking.

- (Hoof beats)
- Where was we in that book there?

"Here is displayed in its full flower",
sir, "that ruthless realism

"happily alternated
by a superbly subtle delicacy..."

Wait a minute! Hey, Jeff!

- (Egbert) Hey, Jeff!
- Hold her, Newt!

(Chortles) Hey, Jeff Tuttle!

Yee-hoo!

(Egbert whoops)

- You old Sourdough!
- (Laughing)

(Laughing and shouting)

(Whooping and shouting)

Giddy-up! Now whoa!
Whoa, whoa, you old...

- Whoa, my old...
- (Laughing)

No, wait a minute. I want you
to meet a friend of mine, Bill!

Er...hey, Bill! Bill, where are you?

Er...hey, Bill!

Come on down here!
I want you to meet somebody!

Come on, Bill, come on!

You know, I thought maybe you wouldn't
recognise me in my new beadwork here.

Me not know you, you old Sourdough?

You old longhorn, you!

Oh, Colonel Ruggles,
I want you to meet up with Jeff Tuttle

from Red Gap,
State of Washington, USA.

Pleased to meet you, Colonel.

I have no military title whatsoever, sir,

never having served in His Majesty's
forces, not even in the ranks.

Any friend of Sourdough's
is all right with me.

- (Both laugh)
- Say, what's the matter with sitting down?

Why, sure, sure. Pull up a chair there,
Colonel, pull up a chair.

No, pull up one for yourself.

- Where did you get this?
- Yeah, well, Effie done that to me.

Wait till I show it to you. Look at that.

Big Chief High Hat!

(Both whooping and laughing)

Here you are, Colonel,
shove those somewhere.

Well, you old stinging lizard,
where did you turn up from?

Europe.
We been all over Europe and Italy.

Cathedrals.
Just one church after another.

And say! How about a little drink?

Ha! Well, beer's the only thing I know
how to say in these here French joints.

- You leave that to me. Here, boy!
- Oui, monsieur?

Veesky soda.

That's French for highball.

(Guffaws) You have to do that...
Well, how did you ever learn that?

Well, it took me some time
to get the accent.

I think we ought to be
getting along home, sir.

Hey, wait a minute!
We just met. Squattéz-vous.

We have important people
coming to dinner, sir,

and we have definite instructions
from Madam.

Yeah, he means Effie.
You know how she is.

- That woman could bite through nails.
- Yes, she chews 'em instead of gum.

(Both laugh)

Here you go, Maxie,
that's what we been waitin' for.

Now bring three more, er...veesky soda.

- Look, look, like...
- Oui, monsieur.

Yeah, he got me right away.
Let's make it harder next time.

(Laughs) You old mustang!
(Laughs) You old coyote!

Here's looking at you!

Come on, come on, Colonel.
Wrap your paw around that there glass.

- (Laughs) Yahoo!
- Yippee!

(Both laughing)

You old horned toad.

- You old maverick.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Yippee!

- What's the matter with a little grub?
- Yeah, a little grub.

Hey, George. Er...Max.

Allé restaurant.

Ask him if he's got some ham and eggs.

(With French accent)
Er...voulez-vous...er...hammyeggie?

Qu'est-ce que c'est, monsieur?

The man don't even know
his own language.

Hammy eggie?

Gee, that's beautiful French,
beautiful French.

And after that we'll take a little drive

to some of the well-known
points of interest.

- Sure, sure, but no art galleries.
- And no churches.

No, and no clothing stores.

And no churches.

And... You said that before.

I wonder what we'll get
instead of ham and eggs.

Yahoo!

Well, by crikey,
I didn't know he had it in him!

You should never let him
get in this condition.

(Jeff) Why, the man's pickled!

Oh, it always affects him this way.
It's terrible.

I beg your pardon, sir.

- Look out, Jeff, grab him!
- I got him, I got him!

He's a tough hombre
when he gets started.

Yippee! Yippee! Yippee! Yippee!

You see there? You see?
There he goes again.

We gotta get him out in the fresh air.
It's too hot for him in here.

You go pay the cheque, Jeff.
I'll grab him.

- Oui.
- I'll grab him, I'll grab him.

Come on. Come on there, Bill. Come
on, Colonel. That's it. Now, take it easy.

Here, here, here, here!

Now, don't try no rough stuff.
We got you outnumbered.

- (Hoof beats)
- Hey, cab!

Er...give us one with a horse on it.

Come on, now. Come on, steady there.

Come on, steady now,
steady now, Colonel. Steady.

- After you, sir.
- Here...here we go with this again.

- Go on in there.
- After you, sir.

- Go on in now.
- After you, sir.

Get in that cab. What do...

Go on, go on, go on, go on.

Yeah. Yeah.

We'll...we'll tell you where in a minute.
We're havin' a meetin'.

Oh, here we...
Now, will you get in that cab?

You won't get in, eh?

Well, there ought to be
some way out of this. Let's see.

- You don't mind waiting, do you?
- No, no.

Er...now, that's not fair.
You ain't thinkin'.

Aw...go on, let him have his own way.

Oh, all right.

- Voulez-vous, any place.
- (Jeff) Yahoo!

(Music playing)

(Whooping and laughter)

So nice of you to have come.
I only wish you'd met my husband.

I can't imagine
what could have detained him.

- Yahoo!
- Shh!

Oh!

Shh. Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.
Keep him quiet.

- Jeff Tuttle from Red Gap!
- Shh! Shh!

Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Quiet, now, quiet!

- We...we gotta sneak in.
- Shh!

- Shh.
- Now, you see? We made it.

- Whoo!
- Shh. Keep him quiet, Jeff, go on.

- Quiet now, quiet.
- Oh!

Well, hello, Effie.

- It's Effie, boys.
- Hello, Effie.

- Egbert, what does this mean?
- Well, you...you...

Effie, you have no idea the trouble
we had with the Colonel here.

It come on him when we were in
the art galleries. Er...hold him up, Jeff.

- I got him, I got him.
- You see what I mean?

He's a nice fellow too. It's a shame.
You'll excuse him, will you, folks?

Je suis mortifée.

I'm très amazed.

Adieu, Mr Standfans.

- Bonsoir, madame.
- Bonsoir, madame.

-Adieu!
- We've had such a lovely evening.

- Bonsoir, madame.
- Bonsoir, madame.

- Bonsoir, madame.
- Bonsoir, madame.

Effie?

Erm...Effie?

Er...I...

There...there you are.
Now you see? You see what I mean?

He's a man who should never have
liquor. It brings out the beast in him.

- Whoo!
- Oh.

I suppose you two haven't been drinking.

- No!
- Yes.

Well, we had to. He...he made us.

Yes, he pulled a long knife on us.

- I want to speak to Ruggles alone.
- Uh-oh.

Do you think it's safe
to leave her alone with him?

- Don't worry about me.
- Well, I don't know, Effie.

After all, you know, you're...
you're all I've got.

(He clears throat)

Now look-a-here, Ruggles.
I'm warning you.

Er...one false move and, er...
you understand?

- Yippee.
- Well, that's better.

- What did he say?
- He said yippee.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Well, Ruggles! And to think
I sent you out to take care of him!

(Giggling) I'm terribly sorry, madam.

Perhaps I should have enquired
of His Lordship about your habits.

(Laughs) Yes.

Er...come, come, Ruggles. You...
you better go to bed. Yeah...yes. Oh!

- (He giggles)
- Oh. Oh!

Oh! Er...

(He giggles)

(Laughing)

- Good morning, Ruggles.
- Good morning, madam.

Ruggles,
I'm horribly disappointed in you.

Not so disappointed
as I am in myself, madam.

And I'm more than disappointed

because I thought that Egbert had...
had something in him.

Something in him? Yes, madam.

And to think of Egbert and Jeff Tuttle

trailing you around Paris
trying to save you from yourself.

I shall never forget that, madam.

Of course, er...Jeff Tuttle's an Indian
but Egbert is different.

(Ruggles) One or two lumps, madam?
(Effie) Oh, none, none.

Think of your dragging him out of
an art gallery and taking him places that...

Oh! Must have disgusted him.

Making him ride on a merry-go-round.

I...I don't know
where you got such ideas.

I was not myself, madam.

You don't look like a periodical souse.

Oh, madam, please.

But to show that I'm broadminded,
you can go and get yourself a drink.

Oh, thank you, madam.

I know how you feel.

- Er...on account of my husband.
- Of course, madam.

But I shall forgive and forget.
That's my nature.

And now, Ruggles,
tomorrow we're sailing for home.

- Home, madam?
- Yes, home, America. Red Gap.

Oh, yes, madam.

Red Gap.

(Indians yelling)

(Yelling continues)

(Train whistle blows)

- Is this still Kansas, madam?
- Oh, dear, no!

We're getting into Red Gap. That's
in the state of Washington, you know.

Indeed, madam?

Extraordinary there seem to be none of
the usual signs of an approaching city.

Oh, well, Red Gap
ain't exactly a city, Bill,

but it's the fastest-growin' town
in the West, though.

Yes, sir.

When we get to the station, we'll be met
by my sister and brother-in-law,

Mr and Mrs Belknap-Jackson.

I think you'll find Mr Belknap-Jackson
quite the gentleman.

Yeah, yeah, he sure is.

When he found out that Ma Pettinghill...
That's Effie's ma.

When he found out
that she made a barrel of dough in oil,

he come all the way from Boston
just to marry into the family.

- Egbert.
- Ouch. Well, didn't he?

Quiet.

Mr Belknap-Jackson
is the leader of our Red Gap society.

You know, until he came out here,
you'd hardly believe it,

but nobody even thought
of using doilies under finger bowls.

- Did they, Egbert?
- (Both laugh)

Nobody even thought
of using finger bowls.

- How very extraordinary!
- (Laughs)

No, sir. Finger bowls.

(Blows nose and coughs)

- (Train whistle blows)
- Here he comes!

- (Train bell ringing)
- I hope Europe has helped Egbert.

How could anything help Egbert?

(Bell tolling)

Effie!

Oh, my dear! How sweet of you
to come and meet us!

Why, Egbert, how smart you look!
I'd never known it was you.

Well, I hardly know it myself.
Hello, Knappie.

Bill, where are you?
Oh, Colonel Ruggles.

I want you to meet
Mr and Mrs Belknap-Jackson.

Er...this is the Boston Belknap
I was telling you about.

How do you do, Colonel?

The Colonel come all the way
from England with us.

You'll find a few of us here
that really matter.

He's Egbert's manservant.

- His valet?
- Yes. Oh!

- (Train bell continues to ring)
- Egbert!

Ma!

- Well, you durn dude!
- (Laughing)

Ma Pettingill, you wild maverick!

You durn horned toad!

What have they done to you,
made you ambassador from Paris?

I do look kind of foreign, don't I? Well,
let me show you something. Come here.

- Effie!
- Mother!

Well, durn me
if you don't look like a lady!

Oh, Ma, here's the fella
that done it to me.

Colonel Ruggles,
this is our Ma Pettingill.

- Hiya, Colonel.
- How do you do?

- Where's your uniform?
- Mother.

- Huh?
- This is Egbert's servant.

No! You look as funny
as Belknap-Jackson!

(Both laugh)

- Ruggles, bring the luggage.
- Yes, sir.

Hiya, Buck!

- Hello, fellers.
- How do you do, Egbert?

- Why, you long drink of water, I'll...
- (Laughter)

Say, who's your friend?

Oh, boys, I want you to meet Colonel
Ruggles, a special friend of mine.

Any friend of Egbert's is a friend of ours.

(Yelling and whooping)

Well, Colonel,
I think you're going to like it here.

If Egbert likes you,
you must be a regular guy

and if you're a regular guy,
you're OK with Red Gap.

- Thank you, madam.
- Don't keep calling me madam.

Ma's my name. Ma Pettingill.

Any time you can't find Egbert,
just try the old Silver Dollar.

We'll be there.

- Hiya, Ma.
- Hiya, Sam.

The others'll be along in a minute.
Libby, Willy, meet Colonel Ruggles.

- Howdy-do.
- How do you do, Colonel?

- A genuine blackamoor, madam?
- Oh, yeah.

- And a China person?
- Uh-huh.

What do you think of the place?

It's large.

Belknap-Jackson and my two daughters
put their house-building ideas together

and this is what happened.

The only thing I had to do with it
was pay for it.

But I can't lose. I can sell it
any time to the city for a depot.

And then I go on to say,

"The Flouds were accompanied
by their English manservant,

"secured through the courtesy
of the Earl of Burnstead.

"He will no doubt lend a continental
flavour to the Floud mansion."

- How's that, Belknap?
- I think...

Yeah, some mess of words.

Egbert, I want you to take this over
to Jake Henshaw at the newspaper office

and be sure that he prints it.

- Ruggles!
- (Ruggles) Yes, madam!

- Oh, Ruggles!
- Yes, madam.

- Are you ready?
- Yes, madam.

Er...Ruggles, I want you to accompany
Mr Floud to the newspaper office.

Yes, madam.

And, er...see that he makes
no stops on the way.

- Oh, Effie, you know me.
- Yes.

Oh, look-a-here,
do I have to carry these?

- Why, certainly.
- Oh...!

- Oh, Ruggles?
- Yes, sir?

Will you see
that he comes straight home?

Remember,
we're holding you responsible.

- ♪ By the light
- ♪ By the light, by the light

♪ Of the silvery moon

♪ Of the silvery moon...

Listen, listen, Bill. That's Nell Kenner
singing. Ain't that pretty?

- Who, sir?
- This is Nell Kenner's house. Come on.

May I remind you we are instructed to
proceed to the newspaper office, sir?

Yeah, well, we'll get around to that.
We'll head in here first. Come on.

You know, Effie and her circle of cats
is always got their harpoons out for Nell.

But believe me,
she's as right as a church.

But it is highly improper for you
to take your valet about with you, sir.

Aw, they won't know you from the Duke
of Kakiac. Come on in and mix.

Oh, no, sir.

Say, look-a-here,
who are you working for anyway?

You, sir.

- Mix, sir? Yes, sir.
- (Chuckles) Yeah.

Uh-oh, look out, I forgot something.

Come here, come here.

You better take this pool cue
and these mittens, see?

If the gang ever caught me with those,

they'd run me out of town
hitched to a horse's tail or something.

Go on, go on, take 'em. You can
get away with it. You're a foreigner.

Look out there!

- Well, Sourdough!
- Hello, Eddie.

- When did you get off the trail?
- Just got in, just got in.

- Hello, Sourdough.
- Hello, Doc.

Eddie, I want you to meet
my good friend Colonel Ruggles.

- Colonel, I'm glad to know you, sir.
- How do you do?

Yeah, this is Doc Squires.
Doc Squires, Colonel Ruggles.

- Put her there, Colonel.
- How do you do?

Doc is a feller that'll give you
castor oil for everything.

(Laughter)

Wait a minute. I got something
on my mind. Now, what was it?

- That's it. Where's the beer barrel?
- Over there.

Well, let's go to it.
We'll be seeing you around, boys.

- Hello, Harry!
- Hello, boy.

- Shake hands with Colonel Ruggles.
- I'm very glad to know you.

And Stella. Stella, Harry's wife.
Colonel Ruggles.

Get out, get out!
Oh, you're way in over your head there.

- (Laughter)
- Well, Sourdough!

Hello, Hank, my boy.

Hank, I want you to meet my good
friend Colonel Ruggles. This is Hank.

- How are you, Colonel?
- How do you do?

- Egbert!
- Who's calling?

- Why, Nell! Yippee!
- Egbert, come here!

Ha-ha-ha! Pull out your anchor, Bill.
I'll be with you in a minute.

- Have a beer, Colonel.
- Oh, thank you.

(Laughter and chatter)

Oh, you old darling!

Ha-ha! Nell Kenner,
you're a sight for sore eyes.

Aw, gee, Red Gap hasn't been the same
without you.

Aw, you're joshing me.

- There you are.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, Jake.
Shake hands with Colonel Ruggles.

- Huh?
- Jake Henshaw, Colonel.

- The best newspaperman in the West.
- How do you do?

- Colonel? What army?
- The truth of the matter is that...

I got it. British army, of course.

- Now, what's your first name, Colonel?
- It isn't ever used.

- Oh, just for the paper.
- Come on.

Tell him your first name, Colonel.

(Sighs)

Marmaduke.

(Both laugh)

- No foolin'?
- (Both laugh)

Well, anyhow,
how do you like our fair city?

Oh, toppin'.

- Like it, eh?
- I've never seen anything like it.

Well, have you met
any of our fair women?

I've not yet had that pleasure.

Well, come on and try some
of our fair food, Colonel.

- Oh, thank you.
- (Laughs) Here we are.

Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles.

- (Chatter)
- Oh, now wait a minute.

Let the old horse thief
tell about his trip in his own way.

Horse thief, she called me! You want
I should tell you in English or in French?

- (Laughter)
- French.

Who said that?

You would.
It couldn't have been a little feller.

(Laughter nearby)

I say, who is responsible for this sauce?

Me.

Very excellent it is indeed,
my good woman.

If you're calling me a good woman cos
you don't know my name, it's Judson.

Delighted to make your acquaintance,
I'm sure.

- And who am I...
- Pardon me, Colonel.

I've got it up to "Colonel Marmaduke
Ruggles, British Army retired."

You're staying with the Flouds,
are you not?

- Yes, but only...
- Thank you. That's all I wanted to know.

- I'll see you a little later.
- I say!

Oh. So, you like my meat sauce,
do you?

- It's very good. It's almost perfect.
- (Music starts)

What do you mean, almost perfect?

I was just thinking that perhaps a few
drops of this and a little bit of that

might make it
into a really superlative sauce.

So, that's what you're thinking, is it?
Well, let me tell you something.

That I've been making meat sauce
for longer than I can remember,

and nobody's ever
found fault with it before.

I wasn't finding fault with it.

What do you mean by a few drops
of this and a little bit of that?

Oh, I only meant that perhaps
a little spice and some wine vinegar..

Listen, Colonel.

You'd better stick to something you
know about, like leading a regiment.

Let's not have
an international row about it.

Well...

Shall we dance?

Well, I really shouldn't.
I've got work to do.

Oh? Er...are you in service here?

If you mean do I work here, why, yes.

I always help Nell Kenner out
when she gives a party.

- Oh, I...
- I see what you mean.

A man in your position
wouldn't expect the help to dance,

but nobody minds here, Colonel.

It's funny,

but you're the first one that ever made
me feel different than anyone else.

Might I have the pleasure of this waltz?

Why, sure.

This is the newspaper office, isn't it?

And Mr Floud isn't there?

He's not there.
Has Mr Floud been there?

Are you sure
Mr Floud hasn't been there?

What? Why don't I try Nell Kenner's?

She's giving a beer bust?

What would my husband
be doing at a beer bust?

Drinking?

None of your lip, young man!

He's at the beer bust. Now there'll be
nothing in the paper tomorrow.

I'm surprised at Ruggles.

Well, you'd better get going.

And hurry. Hurry!

(Music playing)

Just between us, Schwartzie,
what do you think?

I don't even like the buttonholes.

I know just how you feel, Schwartzie.
I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get rid of all these here dude
clothes and get me some new ones.

So, I want you to take an order
right now for ten suits.

- Ten suits?
- Yeah, and make 'em all checks.

- Checks?
- Yeah. Here, here, Bill!

That's, er...a little close
even for Red Gap!

(Laughs)

(Music playing)

He dances with finesse.

Colonel Ruggles, what did Mr Henshaw
say your first name is?

Oh, it's never used.

- Oh, what is it?
- You'd laugh at it.

No, I wouldn't. What is it?

- It's Marmaduke.
- Oh, that's nice.

Mine's Prunella.

(Belknap-Jackson)
Oh, er...Ruggles?

- Well, Ruggles, enjoying yourself?
- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Well, that's fine. What prompted you
to mingle with the guests?

Oh, sir, I had definite instructions
from Mr Floud, sir, to mix.

- (Applause)
- I'm sorry to spoil your pleasure.

But you must come home
with me at once.

I...I feel it incumbent upon me, sir,

to see if that coincides
with Mr Floud's wishes, sir.

Never mind Mr Floud. He can stay here.
You're coming with me.

I think I should speak to Mr Floud, sir.

I won't be kicked by a servant,
English or otherwise.

Are you still going to harbour the ruffian?

- He's an anarchist.
- He's an assassin.

(Laughs)

I fail to see anything funny about it,
Mater.

(Laughs) You will! You will!

- (Ma laughs)
- Quiet, Mother.

Ruggles, how could you do it?

I coarsely gave way to the brute in me.

- Mr Belknap-Jackson is quite right.
- (Ma laughs)

Will you be quiet, Mother?

In Paris,
you led my poor husband astray.

And now you've started
assaulting the family.

Ruggles, you will have to go.

You mean, madam, that I am to be
turned loose in this remote settlement?

Remote settlement?

You see, Effie?
The man's quite impossible.

You'd better
pack your bags immediately.

(Clears throat) Just a minute, Bill.

Before you go
throwing Bill out on his ear,

you'd better read this here piece
in the paper.

(Ma giggles)

- Oh.
- (Ma giggling)

Oh!

- Oh! Oh!
- (Ma giggling)

- What is it?
- It's terrible.

"Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles,

"late of the British Army,

"and an intimate friend
of the Earl of Burnstead,

"is at present an honoured house guest..."

Look, look! It says it right there.

"An honoured house guest
of Mr and Mrs Egbert Floud!"

Disaster! Complete social disaster!

"A series of entertainments

"are already being planned
by socially prominent hostesses

"including Mrs Judy...

(Sobbing) "Judy Ballard,

"Mrs Ralph Wilton..."

(Crying)

It's continued on page five.

(Effie sobbing)
(Ma laughing)

(Sobbing)

Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you.

(Effie sobbing)
(Ma laughing)

(Doorbell ringing)

(Effie) What can happen next?

Oh, how do you do?
Why, this must be Colonel Ruggles.

I'm Mrs Ballard. Mrs Judy Ballard.

I simply had to make your acquaintance.

- This is Mrs Myron Carey.
- How do you do?

- And Miss Sarah Grant.
- How do you do?

They were just crazy to meet you!

(Laughs) Hello, Effie darling!

My, how fortunate you are
to have such a distinguished visitor!

Yes. Er...yes.

This is the most eventful thing
that has ever happened to Red Gap.

Or, er...to me.

(Women) Yes.

Er...yes.

(Ma laughing)

Oh.

Mrs Wallaby,

our old friend Colonel Marmaduke
Ruggles, late of the British Army.

Oh, I've been dying to meet you,
Colonel.

- How do you do?
- What was your regiment?

- We're all ready for the picture.
- Oh, the picture, Mrs Wallaby, yes.

- (Chatter)
- Right this way.

Just as quickly as you possibly can,
please, and everyone look happy.

Er...smile, Colonel.
Er...Mrs Floud there in front of the table.

That's it. Now, everyone look
at the Colonel and smile, please.

Now, Colonel, relax just a bit.
No, no, the face.

Now a little smile. That's it.

Now, Mrs Floud, look at the Colonel
and smile nicely, please.

Oh, a little better smile than that.
Oh, just a little better.

Now, Colonel, look at Mrs Floud.
Mrs Floud, look at the Colonel.

Now a big smile. Big. Big!

Oh, that's it!

I will ask you to drink to the health
of our distinguished guest of honour,

Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles.

I know we would all like to hear

some of Colonel Ruggles'
experiences in the British Army.

- No. Oh, no. No, no.
- No, no.

- I couldn't talk about my exploits.
- No.

- Oh, Effie, do make him talk.
- Oh, no. No, really.

You see, the Colonel spent many years
with the Black Watch in darkest Africa.

You...you were a Black Watchman,
weren't you, Colonel?

Ha-ha. Hm.

- Whoa.
- Why, Colonel Ruggles.

Good afternoon, Mrs Judson.

Whoa.

(He grunts)

Oh, I say,
that print gown suits you no end.

- Oh, do you like it?
- Oh, yes.

What a spiffy little garden you have!

I suppose it would be expecting
too much to ask you in for tea?

Oh, I should say rather not.

Oh.

(He sighs)

(Dog barks)
(Ruggles stammers)

Mr Barker, stop! Come here!

Get out! Mr Barker!

Mr Barker! Out!

- There. I'm so sorry.
- (Ruggles sighs)

You see, he's never seen
an English cowboy.

Cowboy?

Hm.

I say, what a snug little home you have.

Well, I just sort of fixed it up myself.

- Did you?
- (She chuckles)

- Oh! Goldfish.
- Oh!

I have always derived
intense satisfaction

from their silent companionship.

- Oh, have you?
- (He sighs)

Oh, how quaint!

- Who is this?
- Oh, that was Elmo.

Mr Judson.

He got kicked by his favourite mule
and he never got over it.

Oh, excuse me, Colonel,
while I go and heat the water for the tea.

Oh, can't I help you?

It's hot.

- May I be of any assistance?
- Oh, no.

Men are so helpless in the kitchen.

Oh, no.

Always bring the pot to the kettle.
Never bring the kettle to the pot.

Listen, Colonel, I've been making tea
for longer than I can remember and...

Don't let's get into difficulties
about this.

But you must listen
to an Englishman about tea.

If it were coffee, I should be your pupil.

But we're making tea, and when making
tea, always bring the pot to the kettle

and never bring the kettle to the pot.

Oh, Colonel,
your knowledge is surprising.

I don't see why you should say
surprising, Mrs Judson.

The best cooks have always been men.

I myself have pronounced views as to
the preparation and serving of food.

- Have you?
- Oh, yes.

Well, do you know something nice
that will go with tea?

Er...yes, yes. The ingredients are
quite simple too. Have you a little flour?

- Oh, would you, Colonel?
- Rather.

It, er...needs flour,
butter, milk, and salt.

Oh, Colonel,
you seem so at home in the kitchen.

Ah, Mrs Judson,
it would be difficult to describe

the intense satisfaction
I have always derived from cooking.

And goldfish.

Er...well, no, no.

Oh, Colonel,
you must write out this recipe for me.

Nothing would give me greater
pleasure, Mrs Judson. Dear me!

- You should open a restaurant.
- Hm.

- (Dog barking)
- He's back again! Down, sir! Down, sir!

- Mr Barker, out! Out! Out! Mr Barker!
- Down, sir! Down, sir! Down, sir!

Here. Get!

Oh...!

We're goin' out to the ranch
for a few days to get away from it all.

- Heh-heh! Ain't that right, Ma?
- That's the idea.

- All right, Nelly?
- This is Henry.

(Laughs) Yeah. Go on, Henry.

Enjoying yourself?

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

I've been taking the liberty
of reading again

the life of your great
American statesman, sir.

Oh?

You seem
in a very good mood yourself.

I am. It's a pleasure to tell you
that you're through.

- Did you say...
- You're fired, Ruggles.

Mrs Floud instructed me to pay
your railroad fare to San Francisco.

Yes, sir.

There's a train leaving at noon.
See that you're on it.

What? Train, sir? Train, sir? Yes, sir.

Er...train, sir.

Goodbye to you, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

(Train bell ringing)

- Oh, it's late.
- Yeah.

Um...

Oh, in that case, could you tell me where
I could obtain an inexpensive meal?

Er...try the Silver Dollar.
They've a swell free lunch there.

Oh, thank you. Er...
could I deposit my luggage here?

Er...yeah, leave 'em there. I'll watch 'em.

Thank you.

- Hello, Colonel.
- How do you do?

- What'll you have?
- A small glass of beer, thank you.

- A small one, eh?
- How are you, Colonel?

- Howdy, Colonel.
- How do you do?

- Howdy, Colonel.
- How do you do?

- How have you been?
- In excellent health, thank you.

Er...do you know,
I think I could do with a bite of food.

Oh, we have a fine lunch on today.
Right down here, Colonel.

- How's tricks?
- Oh, jolly.

Ah, them's nice pig's feet, Colonel.

Yes.

Hi, Bill! Look, Ma, here's Bill.

Come in here, you old lone wolf.

Oh, pardon me.

Tryin' to sneak one over on us, eh?

- Hi, Bill.
- Here, sit down, sit down.

I thought you'd departed
for the ranch, sir.

We just stopped in here first
for a little snort. Sit down.

This is very awkward, sir.

- What's he talking about?
- I don't know.

- Are you drunk, Colonel?
- Ye... Drunk? Heck, no.

I would like you to know that I have only
the kindliest feelings towards you both.

He's tight as a tick.

Ye... No, no, he ain't.

Come on, Bill, loosen up.
Now, what's gnawin' on you?

Yeah, I thought there was somethin'.

(He mumbles)

No longer require your services?

Belknap-Jackson!

Why, the sku... I'll cut out his windpipe!

- The sneakin' coyote!
- Why, look-a-here, Bill.

We wouldn't fire you
even if you looked like that feller.

I couldn't be happier, sir.
I couldn't be happier, madam.

Oh, yes, you could. Here, drink that.

Yeah, and follow it up with this.

I tell you, that Belknap-Jackson
is a Boston cream puff.

You're working for me, ain't you?

Oh, excuse me. I couldn't help but hear.
But I don't understand.

- Well, tell her, Ma.
- Come on and sit down.

Listen.

- No!
- Yeah, that's right.

Then you're just an ord...

- Oh, this is wonderful news.
- Come have a drink.

No, I just came over
for some cooking sherry.

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll all have one more shot and then
we'll move Bill back into the house.

- What do you say?
- No, sir.

- I'd rather not.
- Why not?

Well, sir, I can't go on
posing as what I'm not

and, er...I don't wish to remain
in service any longer, sir.

I want to make something of myself.

I would like to stand on my own two feet.

This is a land, sir, of great opportunity
where all are created equal.

There, that's...that's what I been...
Now you're talkin'.

Like Lincoln said that day at Gettysburg.

He hit the nail right on the nose
when he said...

Well, what did he say?

That's funny. I was gonna
ask you the same thing.

He, er... What did he say?

- I don't know. Do you?
- I don't know.

Er...he...he said...

- Hey, Sam!
- Yeah?

What did Lincoln say
that day at Gettysburg?

I don't know but I'll find out.

What did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?

(Muffled) I don't know.

Harry, what did Lincoln say
at Gettysburg?

I don't know, boss.

Hey, Curly,
what did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?

I don't recollect. Ask Hank.
He reads the newspapers.

- What did he say, Hank?
- I don't know.

- Ask the boys, will you?
- Sure.

- Try and find out for me, will you, Harry?
- Sure.

- Hey.
- Huh?

What did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?

(Slurs) I don't know. I wasn't there.

What did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?

I don't know. What did he say?

I was asking you.

You wasn't there!

- I couldn't find out.
- That dumb bunch don't know.

There's none of them there that knows.

What a fine bunch of Americans!

That's funny.

(Whispering) Four score
and seven years ago

our fathers brought forth,
on this continent, a new nation,

conceived in liberty and dedicated to the
proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged
in a great civil war...

Why, that's it.

Bill, don't tell me you know it.

- (Ma) How does it go, Bill?
- Er...

"Four score and seven years ago

"our fathers brought forth,
on this continent, a new nation,

"conceived in liberty,

"and dedicated to the proposition
that all men are created equal.

"Now we are engaged in a great civil war,

"testing whether that nation, or any nation
so conceived, and so dedicated,

"can long endure.

"We are now on a great battlefield
of that war.

"We have come to dedicate
a portion of that field,

"as a final resting place

"for those who here gave their lives,
that that nation might live.

"It is altogether fitting and proper
that we should do this.

"But, in a larger sense, we cannot
dedicate, we cannot consecrate,

"we cannot hallow, this ground.

"The brave men, living and dead,
who struggled here,

"have consecrated it far beyond
our poor power to add or detract.

"The world will little note,
nor long remember what we say here,

"but it can never forget
what they did here.

"It is for us the living, rather, to be
dedicated here to the unfinished work

"which they who fought here
have thus far so nobly advanced.

"It is rather for us to be here dedicated
to the great task remaining before us,

"that from these honoured dead we take
increased devotion to that cause

"for which they gave
the last full measure of devotion,

"that we here highly resolve that
these dead shall not have died in vain...

"...that this nation, under God,
shall have a new birth of freedom,

"and that government of the people,
by the people, and for the people,

"shall not perish from the earth."

I'll buy a drink.

- (Music playing)
- Here's to Colonel Ruggles!

Here, here!

Well, I'll tell you, Bill,
we already got a president,

but any time you want to run for mayor
or sheriff or something like that,

you just let me know.

I'm not ambitious for public office, sir.

Bill, what are you figuring on doing
besides standing on your own two feet?

I keep telling him
he should open a restaurant.

- Great!
- Say, that ain't a bad idea.

We ain't never had a decent hash house
here in Red Gap.

And I'll stake you
to the best location in town for it.

- I beg your pardon, madam?
- It won't cost you a nickel.

I own the building.

There was a Chinaman tried to run
a chop suey joint there and they shot him.

He couldn't cook ham and eggs. He was
always doin' something Chinese to 'em.

I could help you in the kitchen. I'll even
let you help me with my meat sauce.

How...how much cash
you figure it would take, Bill?

If I might say so, you're all a bit of OK.

- (Laughter)
- Well, you...you're more than that.

Doggone it! Let's have a drink
to the new beanery.

Well...well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What...what'll we call it?

- Er...
- Yes.

- Er...
- Um...

- Er...
- Er...

How about calling it The Busy Bee?

(Others) No, no.

- The Mustang Grotto.
- (Others) No, no.

I think it should be something nice
like Ye Olde English Tavern.

(Others) No, no.

Look, look, look. I got it, I got it.
The Golden Horse Chop House.

(Others) No.

Why? Why? Can't you just see a golden
horse squattin' up there on the roof?

(Others) No, no, no!

Er...might I suggest
The Anglo-American Grill?

- Um...
- Not bad, huh?

- I like it.
- What do you think, Egbert?

Well, it's all right but I still think it
ought to be called a horse's something.

(Others) No, no, no.

- Hello, Belknap.
- Effie.

Here's a letter from Lord Burnstead.
It just arrived this noon.

(Laughs) Oh, dear George.

Dear, dear George. Yes.

Oh! He's coming here.
He's coming here to visit us!

- He's coming here?
- Yes. Yes, yes.

He's going to take Ruggles
back with him.

(Laughs) Oh.

The Earl of Burnstead our house guest.

My supreme triumph in Red Gap.

- What's the matter?
- Ruggles is gone.

- What?
- He's on his way to San Francisco.

- What are you talking about?
- I...I discharged him.

You discharged him? You...

Oh, you couldn't.
You...you... How dare you?

- What can we do?
- What can we do?

What can we do?
Oh, what can we do?

(Laughs) What can...
Oh, I'm going to faint.

Oh, no. No, I'm not.
I'm going to find Egbert.

It's a mess, isn't it?

It's wonderful.

Well, I don't see
anything wonderful about it.

- You don't?
- No.

You don't?

My father was a gentleman's gentleman,
and his father before him.

And from that heritage of service,
miraculously, there comes a man,

a person of importance, however small,

a man whose decisions
and whose future are in his own hands.

It's wonderful, isn't it?

Restaurant?
Ruggles opening a restaurant?

Yeah, where
the chop suey joint used to be.

Well, of course he's not going to do
anything of the sort.

Whoever suggested
such a horrible idea?

Hey, Ma! Old man Schwartz certainly
did a good job on the suit, didn't he?

(Gulps) Oh, hello, Effie.

Ye Gods and little prairie dogs!

Where in... Where did you get
that horse blanket?

Now, look-a-here, Effie,
this is a man's suit and I aim to wear it!

- Where are your good clothes?
- (Clears throat) They're all gone.

Egbert Floud, take off those clothes.

No, sir, I won't do it.

- Take off those clothes!
- No, sir, I won't do it!

Effie, we might just as well have
a showdown right here and now.

What did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?
Yeah, you don't know. Well, I'll tell you.

He said that all men are created equal.

He didn't just mean a few men.
He meant all men, and that includes me.

I'm created equal.

- Equal to what?
- Equal...equal to what?

Well, equal to...

She changed the subject on me.
Er... men are created equal to women!

That's why you have no right
to order me around the way you do.

Abe Lincoln said so.

He also said you can fool some
of the people some of the time,

and all of the people some of the time.

But you can't fool me,
Egbert Floud, any of the time!

You striped bass!

Effie!

Oh, no. I say, you mustn't do that.

No, no, no, no. No, no.
You mustn't do that. Let me.

- Ruggles!
- Yes, madam?

Lord Burnstead. He's coming.
Here. Here's his letter.

- Coming here, madam?
- Yes, yes. Isn't it glorious?

Of course, I shall be simply frantic
arranging dinners, parties and receptions

but I'm depending on you, Ruggles.

- What are you doing? Are you busy?
- Yes, rather, madam.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
The...the restaurant.

The chop-suey joint
you were going to open.

Well, of course,
that's out of the question now.

It was a silly idea to begin with.
Oh, but here I am wasting time

and...and dear George apt
to pop in on us any moment.

Oh, Ruggles, you don't know
what this means to me. Au revoir!

Au revoir!

Well, he's coming to get me.

You're not gonna let him, are you?

I suppose he needs me.

You mean you're gonna give up all this
just to keep him buttoned up?

What has he ever done for you?

Well, he did let me down

but I'd be the first member of my family
ever to let his family down.

And I'd have you know, Mrs Judson,

that it isn’t just keeping a man
buttoned up, it's heredity and loyalty,

and I suppose you could call it habit
if you wanted to.

I'd hate to tell you what I'd call it.

Why don't you practise
what you been preaching?

First I find you're not a colonel
and now I find you're not a man.

Maybe you'd better find out
what you are.

Oh, I feel like jumping in the river.

Well, go ahead and jump.

And jump in at the bend.
It's deeper there.

Now, let me see. Let me see.

The Earl of Burnstead on my right,
of course. Er...who's next to him?

- Judy Ballard.
- Absolutely not. No, we'll put her...

Way down in the slums
at my end of the table.

Has anybody seen anything of Ruggles?

Not a sign of him.

- You didn't fire him again, did you?
- I did not.

I looked all over town for him,
everywhere.

Oh, he couldn't desert me like this
in my hour of need.

Do you realise I don't even know
how to introduce my guest of honour?

- (Doorbell rings)
- There's the doorbell.

- (Music playing)
- They're arriving too early.

- I'll tell them.
- You'll do nothing of the sort.

I'll bet a dollar Lord Burnstead
hasn't got his shirt on yet.

- (Music playing)
- Bit of a problem, isn't it?

Yeah, what?

Well, we can't very well go downstairs
without our ties being tied, can we?

- Yeah, no, no, we can't.
- Mm.

(Clears throat) Maybe...
maybe we can't go downstairs at all.

Um...no. Beastly bores, receptions,
aren't they? Tedious, I mean.

- I don't like 'em, do you?
- Well, they don't bother me none.

- No?
- No, I never go to 'em.

- Oh, I see.
- I'm...I'm what they call agile.

Agile?

Oh! Oh, you...you mean agile, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

- Admiral, come here a minute.
- Yes.

Now, er...take a look
at this here window.

Looks just like an ordinary window
at first glance, doesn't it?

- You're right.
- Uh-huh.

Did you ever have occasion
to, er...climb out of a window?

Oh, yes. Hm.

- See what you can do with this one.
- Ah.

Oh, I hate to leave that
but we may bump into another later, eh?

- Take her easy, now. Take her easy.
- Yes.

You, er...you'll find a hole in the wall
for your foot. I put it there myself.

- Yes. Yes, I found it.
- (Chuckles)

Come right in, girls.
Put your things down here.

All right, thank you.

Is my hair all right?

Yes, that's very good.
Now, how about mine?

- Oh, I'm sorry we were late.
- It...it's quite all right.

If you'll go right in, I...
I'll join you in just a moment.

There seems to be something
the matter with these drapes.

♪ Cheyenne, Cheyenne, hop on my pony

♪ There's room here for two, dear

♪ But after the ceremony
We'll both ride back...

- (Crash)
- I hope that wasn't the drinks.

- It was.
- Excuse me.

(People chattering)

Oh, Miss Kenner,
I'm so sorry this happened,

but I'm so nervous
I could jump right out of my skin.

Well, don't worry about a few glasses.

Oh, it isn't that. It's Mr Ruggles.

I just know something's happened
to him, something fatal.

Oh, nonsense. He'll show up.

But I'm just not myself.

(Crash)

You see what I mean?

(Doorbell rings)

- Here I am. Hi, Nell.
- Why, Egbert!

- Where's your coat?
- Effie wanted me to wear it.

But I'll tell you later
how I got out of it.

I want you to meet somebody.
Come on in here, George.

Nell, I want you to meet
my poker-playing friend Earl Burnstead.

- (Both) How do you do?
- This is Nell Kenner.

- How do you do?
- Yeah, Earl is a lord.

(Laughs) Ain't that right, Lord?

Yeah, but you can call him George
for short.

And I want you two to get acquainted.
You know, Nell, make him feel at home.

Because he ain't quite used to our ways,
and over where he come from...

Er... Oh, heck.
I guess it's the same the world over.

(Clears throat)
Give me a drink, somebody.

Er...this is a frightful intrusion,
isn't it?

Oh, not at all. Isn't Mrs Floud
giving you a dinner tonight?

Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, I...I see your point.

Well, you see, I...

Well, you can see for yourself
my tie isn't right.

Oh, isn't that too bad?
Shall I tie it for you?

- Oh, I say, would you really?
- Of course.

Oh, I say, isn't this nice?

Is this your first visit to America,
Lord Burnstead?

Huh? Oh, I'm so sorry.
I was thinking of something else. I...

You're remarkably like a girl I know.
I can't remember her name.

- Hm?
- Yes. You don't know it, I suppose?

- No.
- No, I suppose not.

She's...she's the most beautiful girl
in England.

- (He chuckles)
- There.

I'm afraid that's the best I can do.

Oh, it's first-rate, really.
Thanks awfully.

I say, do...do you believe
in love at first sight?

- No.
- No?

- Do you?
- No.

That's why I'd like to stay
a little while, if I may.

- (Chuckles) What?
- Come on in.

Fascinating,
your American rhythm, isn't it?

Yes, isn't it?

It's ready.

Oh. Shall we eat?

Er...no, I'd rather try this again,
if you don't mind.

- All right.
- Yes.

♪ Everybody loves a baby
That's why I'm in love with you

♪ Pretty baby, boom...

- Why did you say boom?
- There's a boom there.

- Oh, is there? Oh.
- You don't seem to understand.

- Say it once with me.
- Yes.

(Both) Everybody loves a baby,
that's why I'm in love with you.

Pretty baby, boom. Pretty baby, boom.

- That's right.
- I see. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

♪ Everybody loves a baby
That's why I'm in love with you

- ♪ Pretty baby
- ♪ Boom...

No, you do it on the drum.

Huh? Of course. How stupid of me.

- Yes.
- Huh?

♪ Everybody loves a baby

♪ That's why I'm in love with you
Pretty baby...

- (Boom)
- ♪ Pretty baby...

- I'm sorry.
- What?

- There's another one there.
- Oh. Oh, a ditto?

- Yes, a ditto boom.
- Oh, I like that.

- You like what?
- (Laughs) A ditto boom.

Ditto boom. Ditto boom.
Ditto boom, boom, boom.

Oh, let's eat.

What? No, I'd rather ditto boom,
if you don't mind.

- All right, we'll ditto boom.
- That's fine, that's fine.

♪ Everybody loves a baby
That's why I'm in love with you

- ♪ Pretty baby...
- (Boom)

- ♪ Pretty baby...
- (Boom)

♪ I'd like to be your sister, brother
Dad and mother too, pretty baby...

- (Boom)
- Popping in everywhere.

- ♪ Pretty baby...
- (Boom)

♪ Won't you come and let me rock you
In my cradle of love...

- (Booming)
- That was my own idea.

I know it.

♪ Oh, I want a lovin' baby
And it might as well be you...

- Oh, would that be asking too much?
- Why, of course not, no.

- I mean two booms.
- Oh, I see. Yes.

(She laughs)

♪ Oh, I want a lovin' baby
And it might as well be you...

Oh.

Oh, was that your drum?

You couldn't sew it up, I don't suppose?

No. Oh.

Buy a new one, will you?
Buy two, one for me.

I'm sure Lord Burnstead will forgive us
for not waiting for him any longer.

He'll join us, I know,

just as soon as he's finished
his conversation on the telephone,

which I'm sure must be terribly important.

Possibly a...a message from the King

or possibly from the, er...
Mayor of Canada.

Er...possibly.

Well, shall we begin?

Why not?

Go on, pitch in.

You come on in here
where you can't spill drinks all over me.

Oh, I'm so sorry but I'm just not myself.

Now, you sit down and tell me
what's the matter. Come on.

Oh, I don't see how they can go on
having a good time

when maybe he's... Oh, you know.

- Who? What are you talking about?
- Colonel Ruggles.

I think he jumped in the river.

No! Why should he want to do that?

Oh, on account of a woman.
She treated him something awful.

- Who told you that?
- I was there.

Oh, she said some terrible things to him
and I just know that...

- Why, say, this is serious!
- That's what I say.

Well, we gotta get busy right away.

- Oh, will you?
- Well, yes, I'll round up the boys.

- Hey, fellers, look-a-here!
- (Doorbell rings)

Get on your hats and coats.
I got something for you to do.

- It is a ghost! Oh, you didn't do it!
- (Egbert) Colonel Ruggles is missin'!

Follow me.
We'll get going right away. I...

Er...well, the searching party's off.

Look-a-here, Bill, what's the idea
of wanderin' around scarin' women?

I thought the Indians had got you,
Ruggles. Glad to see you.

I am glad to see you, my lord.

I'm sorry I wasn't at the station
to meet you, my lord.

That's all right.

Er...might I have a word
with you alone, my lord?

Why, I should think so. Why not?

Come on, old timer,
let's leave them alone.

- I don't understand.
- Get them a drink.

She tells me he's in the river
and he ain't even wet.

Something wrong, Ruggles?

I've had a terrible day,
my lord, a...a terrific fight.

- Oh. Were you outnumbered?
- An even match, my lord.

- A woman?
- No, my lord. I was fighting with myself.

- Did you win?
- A decisive victory, my lord.

Oh, stout feller!
I didn't think you had it in you.

Er...you'll find me rather a changed man,
my lord.

I don't know quite how to tell you

but here in Red Gap
I am considered important.

- (Chuckles)
- Quite a personage.

Yes, Colonel Ruggles, isn't it?

Yes, my lord. Colonel Marmaduke
Ruggles of the Coldstream Guards.

- A horrible mistake, my lord.
- Quite, if there should be a war.

Yes.

Nevertheless, my lord,

when people think you are someone,
you begin to think you are.

That's what I've been fighting about
with myself all day, my lord.

Am I someone or am I not?

Well, I only just got here,
you see, so I wouldn't know.

Oh, I am someone, my lord.

Oh, let me be the first to congratulate
you. How did you ever find it out?

Ah. You recollect
an Abraham Lincoln, my lord?

Oh, yes, fellow with the cherry tree.

- Er...no, my lord.
- Er...no?

At any rate, my lord, I am genuinely
sorry to have to tell you

that I shall not be returning with you
to London, I am remaining in Red Gap.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Ruggles.

It's no use, my lord.
My mind is made up.

I am entering trade,
my lord, a restaurant.

Oh, it's no good for you, Ruggles.
You haven't got the background for trade.

Nevertheless, my lord, I intend to try.

Oh, I never knew you to be
so obstinate before, really.

Still, something tells me
that we'll be back in London.

- Oh, excuse me. Here are your drinks.
- Oh. Hm.

Well, here's to London.

Here is to The Anglo-American Grill,
my lord.

Ha-ha. Yes.

(Music and chatter)

Oh!

Mm, we should be all right.
Ready in ten minutes.

- Oh, they love your meat sauce.
- You mean our meat sauce.

Because I added a few drops of this
and a little bit of that.

Did you?

- Colonel, are we dressed all right?
- Indeed, yes, sir.

Table for four.

Thank you. Hello.

(Chatter)

- Hello, Egbert!
- Hello, George!

- You remember Effie, boys.
- Howdy, Effie!

Make way for a lady,
you laughing hyenas!

(Laughter)

You're losing your petticoat, Ma!

Hey, Sourdough,
where did you get the lid?

- From Paris, France! Ain't it terrible?
- (Laughter)

(Egbert) Hold onto that hat.
It cost me 20 dollars.

(Chuckles)

Hello, Maude. Hello, Frank.

- Hello...why, hello, Fred!
- Howdy, Sourdough.

- How's everything? Hello, Soph.
- How are you?

Well, Bill, you're kinda dressed up,
ain't you?

Hello, Bill.
Where do you want us to squat?

Heh-heh. Yeah, ain't Bill
movin' around, though, huh?

Oh, Effie, where is Lord Burnstead?

He must have been delayed.
He's a very busy man, you know.

- Ruggles.
- Yes, madam?

Where's Lord Burnstead?

I understood he was coming with you,
madam.

He was but he didn't.
I can't understand it.

Lord Burnstead probably didn't care
to come to a place like this.

A nice party this is going to be,
without our guest of honour.

You don't know where George is,
do you?

- Who, George?
- Shh.

George? No, I ain't seen George all day.

No, the left-hand side.

(Low chatter)

(Egbert) Look-a-here, Effie, you're
taking this thing too much to heart.

Try a little of our meat sauce, sir.

Haven't you any catsup?

Oh, never mind. I'll eat when I get home.

What you want is...
what you want is...is...

some more of this imprisoned laughter
of the pleasant maids of France.

- What's wrong now?
- Nothing wrong with the food.

What happened?

I suppose it's wrong to hate anybody,
but I dislike Belknap-Jackson very much.

I'm gonna get you
something for your nerves.

- No, my nerves are quite all right.
- Oh, but I am.

No, I'm all right.

(Music playing)

Oh, Effie?
Where can Lord Burnstead be?

I told you he's a very busy man.
He's a man of affairs.

- Have a good time.
- Thanks a lot, old man.

Oh, Effie?

(Giggles)

- (Egbert) Hi, Nell!
- Hello, Egbert!

Hello, Nell! Well, Admiral!
Say, where have you been?

- Effie's been looking for you.
- Oh, dear. I'm sorry.

- Dear, oh, dear! I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, sit down, sit down, Bill.

- I have no excuse at all.
- No?

No. It...it must have been
the excitement, probably.

- Excitement?
- Yes.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

- Oh, no, no.
- No, no.

Neither did we but, er...
Darling, just a minute.

- I mean, look. You see?
- (Effie gasps)

Well, you old mossback, you.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you, old boy.

What's the matter with you, Nell?
You been losing your mind?

- She's going to be my countess.
- She's going to be a countess!

- Sit down, won't you? Come on!
- Yeah, Bill, let's have another chair.

Sit right down here, Admiral. And, Nell,
you sit right next to him there.

This is gonna be my party

on account of my knowing Nell
longer than anybody here.

- Oh, Egbert?
- Yes.

Egbert, I'm going to be
matron of honour

and we're gonna have
the wedding at our house.

- Oh, sure.
- (Laughing) Aren't we?

Oh!

(Whispers) Making a countess
of a cheap dancer!

I wouldn't say that if I were you, sir.

- You what?
- I wouldn't say that if I were you, sir.

You're insulting, Ruggles.

I beg your pardon,
but you were insulting, sir.

Not only were you insulting
but you were eavesdropping.

- That was quite unintentional, sir.
- You're lying, Ruggles.

- I wouldn't say that if I were you, sir.
- I've stood enough from you.

Aren't you forgetting that you are nothing
but a low, common shiner of boots?

I'm not forgetting
that I am proprietor of this place

and as proprietor of this place
I am politely asking you to leave, sir.

- You what?
- I'm asking you to leave.

If I go, all the real people
will leave with me.

If my success depends upon
catering to people like you, sir,

all I can say is...
all I can say is, Mr Belknap-Jackson...

all I can say is words fail me.

- Ruggles! How dare you?
- It's quite all right, sir.

- You can't...you can't do this to me!
- Quite all right, sir.

(Laughter)

- This is disgraceful.
- Oh, sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to say a few words to you

about the proprietor Mr Ruggles.

- So, I'm a failure?
- Oh, don't worry about it.

As I always say,
it's always darkest before the dawn

and every cloud has a silver lining
and it never rains but what...

Oh.

- And I'm not worrying about it.
- Oh, yes, you are. Just look at you.

(Music starts)

(Diners) ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow...

Well, they seem to love His Lordship.

His Lordship's a very happy man tonight.
He's marrying Nell Kenner. Yeah.

Hey! Hey, Bill! Bill, come on,
get in on this, will you? Come on.

Heh-heh! This is the biggest show
Red Gap ever had.

♪ He's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ Which nobody can deny...

♪ Which nobody can deny
Which nobody can deny...

(Laughter)

Why, you old plate of soup,
they're singing it for you!

- What?
- (Laughter and applause)

My friends.

God bless you all.

(Others) ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us
And so say all of us

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny

♪ Which nobody can deny
Which nobody can deny

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ Which nobody can deny

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us
And so say all of us

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow...