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1
00:00:03,775 --> 00:00:05,055
Thanks for driving, Hayley.
2
00:00:05,295 --> 00:00:06,711
I really need both hands free
3
00:00:06,746 --> 00:00:08,746
to make the float
inside my mouth.
4
00:00:12,385 --> 00:00:15,253
What your father's doing
is called molecular gastronomy.
5
00:00:15,305 --> 00:00:18,906
The swishing releases the
carbon dioxide from the soda.
6
00:00:18,942 --> 00:00:22,343
He's enjoying his dessert
on a chemical level!
7
00:00:22,345 --> 00:00:23,844
Klaus, I don't care about that.
8
00:00:25,431 --> 00:00:26,681
Hayley, get off your calculator
9
00:00:26,733 --> 00:00:28,516
and learn something
about flavor, please.
10
00:00:28,518 --> 00:00:30,401
It's important.
Um, no.
11
00:00:30,436 --> 00:00:32,570
- And this isn't a calculator, okay?
- I'm texting.
12
00:00:32,605 --> 00:00:34,522
Texting?!
That's even worse!
13
00:00:34,524 --> 00:00:36,440
Here we go about the kids.
14
00:00:36,492 --> 00:00:39,694
You kids today,
all shuffling around aimlessly
15
00:00:39,746 --> 00:00:41,779
with your heads
buried in your phones.
16
00:00:41,831 --> 00:00:43,831
One day,
you're gonna look up and say,
17
00:00:43,866 --> 00:00:45,866
"Wait -- why are the signs
all in Chinese?
18
00:00:45,919 --> 00:00:47,952
Oh, it's because
I'm in communist China!"
19
00:00:48,004 --> 00:00:49,921
Are you saying
I'm gonna walk to China?
20
00:00:49,956 --> 00:00:51,706
I'm saying this becomes China!
21
00:00:51,758 --> 00:00:53,841
Come on, dude.
You knew what he meant.
22
00:00:53,876 --> 00:00:55,426
I'm putting my foot down --
23
00:00:55,461 --> 00:00:57,545
no more texting
in the Smith family.
24
00:00:57,597 --> 00:00:58,629
That's it -- done.
25
00:00:58,681 --> 00:01:00,348
That's insane.
26
00:01:00,383 --> 00:01:02,550
Yeah, there's no way
Francine lets that fly, Stan.
27
00:01:02,602 --> 00:01:03,884
Okay, then...
28
00:01:03,886 --> 00:01:05,469
I forbid you to text and drive.
29
00:01:05,521 --> 00:01:06,721
Yeah, that's actually smart.
30
00:01:06,773 --> 00:01:08,723
And no texting
at the dinner table.
31
00:01:08,725 --> 00:01:10,274
And at school.
32
00:01:10,310 --> 00:01:12,476
And...while you're doing
your homework.
33
00:01:12,528 --> 00:01:17,398
And...while...you're...playing
board games with the family.
34
00:01:17,450 --> 00:01:21,369
And...at church and the movies
and funerals and weddings --
35
00:01:21,404 --> 00:01:22,684
Ohhh,
they're coming to me now --
36
00:01:22,705 --> 00:01:24,038
and charity events
and work functions
37
00:01:24,073 --> 00:01:25,623
and during the national anthem
38
00:01:25,658 --> 00:01:27,491
and the "In Memoriam"
part of the Oscars.
39
00:01:27,543 --> 00:01:29,076
Whew. There.
40
00:01:29,078 --> 00:01:31,078
Just put my foot down hard
on texting.
41
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,747
Klaus, read that back to me.
42
00:01:36,619 --> 00:01:38,386
I didn't have a pen.
I'm sorry.
43
00:01:38,421 --> 00:01:40,004
Ah, damn it.
But I remember them.
44
00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:41,889
I-I remember all of them,
I swear.
45
00:01:41,924 --> 00:01:43,557
All right, well, don't forget
46
00:01:43,593 --> 00:01:45,760
and just write it all down
when we get home.
47
00:01:45,762 --> 00:01:48,813
Nobody talk to Klaus
while he's remembering my list.
48
00:01:54,904 --> 00:01:57,405
# Good morning, U.S.A. #
49
00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:01,075
# I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day #
50
00:02:01,110 --> 00:02:04,412
# the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #
51
00:02:04,447 --> 00:02:08,616
# and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race #
52
00:02:10,586 --> 00:02:13,871
# oh, boy, it's swell to say #
53
00:02:13,923 --> 00:02:16,457
# good -- #
# good morning, U.S.A. #
54
00:02:16,459 --> 00:02:17,508
Aah!
55
00:02:19,012 --> 00:02:22,096
# Good morning, U.S.A. #
56
00:02:26,886 --> 00:02:30,938
Looks like life
just hit someone in the gonads.
57
00:02:32,775 --> 00:02:34,608
You know,
I-I don't get it, Roger.
58
00:02:34,644 --> 00:02:36,777
I've been acing
my practice tests at school,
59
00:02:36,813 --> 00:02:38,479
then flunking the real tests.
60
00:02:38,481 --> 00:02:39,980
Why is this happening to me?
61
00:02:39,982 --> 00:02:42,149
Sounds like you got the "yips."
The what?
62
00:02:42,151 --> 00:02:44,118
The yips.
You're choking under pressure.
63
00:02:44,153 --> 00:02:46,737
It's the type of thing
that can ruin your life, amigo.
64
00:02:46,789 --> 00:02:48,689
Whoa.
How can I fix it?
65
00:02:48,725 --> 00:02:50,458
You can't.
Oh, my God!
66
00:02:50,493 --> 00:02:51,692
Kidding, bud.
67
00:02:51,728 --> 00:02:53,661
You fix it
where you fix everything...
68
00:02:53,696 --> 00:02:54,795
in the swimming pool.
69
00:02:54,831 --> 00:02:56,163
Wait --
h-how is swimming
70
00:02:56,199 --> 00:02:59,066
gonna make me
a better test taker?
71
00:02:59,102 --> 00:03:01,836
Not swimming, you tiny Adonis --
diving.
72
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,006
What do you want to see?
73
00:03:06,042 --> 00:03:07,708
I want to see perfection.
74
00:03:07,744 --> 00:03:09,744
That narrows it down.
75
00:03:09,779 --> 00:03:13,180
All right.
How about a 2 tuck reverse?
76
00:03:13,216 --> 00:03:15,149
Do it!
Do it now!
77
00:03:27,997 --> 00:03:30,030
What's with
the sarcastic slow clap?
78
00:03:30,083 --> 00:03:32,700
That was a tight cowboy tuck
and clean entry.
79
00:03:32,752 --> 00:03:35,836
Sure, it was tight and clean,
and I'm as hard as concrete,
80
00:03:35,872 --> 00:03:37,955
but you did it
in your own backyard.
81
00:03:38,007 --> 00:03:40,458
I want to see you
do that exact same dive
82
00:03:40,510 --> 00:03:43,511
at the public pool in front
of the entire neighborhood.
83
00:03:43,546 --> 00:03:46,430
Ohhh! So this was
a practice test.
84
00:03:46,466 --> 00:03:48,766
There's always
a method to my madness, Steve.
85
00:03:48,801 --> 00:03:49,850
Now watch this.
86
00:04:00,113 --> 00:04:03,197
I just do the dive.
I don't mess with the water.
87
00:04:05,818 --> 00:04:08,569
So, I'm in the checkout line,
and I have to swipe my card
88
00:04:08,621 --> 00:04:10,454
a few times
before it goes through,
89
00:04:10,490 --> 00:04:13,791
and I hear the guy in line
behind me do the whole "ugggh."
90
00:04:13,826 --> 00:04:15,242
Like he's in such a hurry.
91
00:04:15,244 --> 00:04:17,828
Then I see
he's buying stove-top popcorn,
92
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,748
and I say, "Sir,
if you're that pressed for time,
93
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,517
maybe you should buy
the microwave popcorn."
94
00:04:23,553 --> 00:04:26,787
Well, the checkout lady
takes her microphone thing
95
00:04:26,823 --> 00:04:30,057
and goes,
"Major burn on register 1!"
96
00:04:30,092 --> 00:04:32,760
And she immediately gets fired.
97
00:04:32,795 --> 00:04:35,663
Turns out she had a history
of playing with the microphone.
98
00:04:36,666 --> 00:04:38,065
Hello?
99
00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:40,601
Oh, my God. Have I
not been talking to anyone?
100
00:04:41,871 --> 00:04:43,571
Stan!
I have zero bars!
101
00:04:43,606 --> 00:04:45,189
That's correct.
102
00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:47,842
I'm having the C.I.A. scramble
the signal inside our house
103
00:04:47,877 --> 00:04:50,711
until Hayley starts obeying
my no-texting times.
104
00:04:50,746 --> 00:04:52,947
I also wrote them in German.
105
00:04:52,999 --> 00:04:55,583
I did the German side in purple
106
00:04:55,618 --> 00:04:58,519
as a little incentive
to learn German.
107
00:04:58,554 --> 00:04:59,854
Wish me luck, everybody.
108
00:04:59,889 --> 00:05:01,822
I'm going
on my first business trip.
109
00:05:01,858 --> 00:05:03,858
Jeff got a job
field-testing products.
110
00:05:03,893 --> 00:05:05,059
I work for a company!
111
00:05:05,094 --> 00:05:06,794
Well, I guess
if Jeff can figure out
112
00:05:06,829 --> 00:05:08,262
how to use a product,
anyone can.
113
00:05:08,297 --> 00:05:09,597
Thanks, Mr. S.
114
00:05:09,632 --> 00:05:11,899
One day, I will insult you
115
00:05:11,934 --> 00:05:13,167
in a way you can understand.
116
00:05:13,202 --> 00:05:13,927
Okay!
117
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,850
Enjoy that job
until your first drug test.
118
00:05:15,970 --> 00:05:17,748
Oh, it's cool,
Mr. S
119
00:05:17,868 --> 00:05:21,008
I know everything about drugs.
120
00:05:26,111 --> 00:05:27,210
I mean, is it me,
121
00:05:27,246 --> 00:05:28,535
or are kids just getting dumber?
122
00:05:28,655 --> 00:05:30,712
Oh, they're dumb as shit
now, Stan.
123
00:05:30,832 --> 00:05:32,181
I swear, it's all the texting.
124
00:05:32,435 --> 00:05:34,519
I don't know.
I use texting all the time.
125
00:05:34,571 --> 00:05:37,438
Yeah, it's a great way to cut
to the heart of a conversation
126
00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:38,940
without all the chitchat.
127
00:05:38,975 --> 00:05:41,476
Texting just doesn't jibe
with my sense of humor.
128
00:05:41,511 --> 00:05:44,812
I have a really dry wit --
like bone-dry.
129
00:05:44,848 --> 00:05:47,615
It's all about nuance with me --
deadly timing.
130
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:49,417
You can't get that in a text.
131
00:05:49,452 --> 00:05:52,053
Actually, emoticons are a great
way to get those subtleties.
132
00:05:52,088 --> 00:05:53,121
Here, I'll show you.
133
00:05:53,156 --> 00:05:55,590
Stephanie's my mistress.
134
00:05:55,625 --> 00:05:57,025
Ah.
A winky face.
135
00:05:57,060 --> 00:05:58,593
I guess that could be helpful
136
00:05:58,628 --> 00:06:00,595
if I'm saying something
tongue-in-cheek.
137
00:06:00,630 --> 00:06:03,698
Absolutely. And emojis
even go a step further.
138
00:06:03,733 --> 00:06:05,567
Look at that little face!
139
00:06:05,602 --> 00:06:07,902
It's like he's saying,
"Um, check, please."
140
00:06:07,938 --> 00:06:09,537
That's
one of my go-tos!
141
00:06:19,149 --> 00:06:21,733
Oh, my God!
That's texting?
142
00:06:21,785 --> 00:06:23,985
That was real, you guys.
143
00:06:38,134 --> 00:06:41,052
# I know my P.O.V. is A.F.K. #
144
00:06:41,087 --> 00:06:46,007
# My energy is M.I.A.
and never coming back #
145
00:06:46,009 --> 00:06:49,544
# and FYI,
the 411 on the F.A.Q. list #
146
00:06:49,579 --> 00:06:50,812
# anyone will tell you #
147
00:06:52,015 --> 00:06:55,016
# It's a lot like doin' crack #
148
00:06:55,018 --> 00:06:59,754
# W-T-F-I #
149
00:06:59,789 --> 00:07:03,608
# rolling on the floor laughing,
L.M.A.O. interaction #
150
00:07:03,660 --> 00:07:07,662
# wait for another reply #
151
00:07:07,697 --> 00:07:09,781
# A.S.A.P. O.M.G. #
152
00:07:09,833 --> 00:07:11,783
# Are you gonna
T.X.T. me back tonight? #
153
00:07:15,505 --> 00:07:17,025
I noticed
the phone service is back on.
154
00:07:18,792 --> 00:07:19,874
Huh? Oh, yeah.
155
00:07:19,926 --> 00:07:21,459
But don't think for a second
156
00:07:21,511 --> 00:07:23,544
that means
you can break my texting rules.
157
00:07:23,546 --> 00:07:25,046
I'm watching you like a hawk.
158
00:07:25,098 --> 00:07:27,548
Really? How many fingers
am I holding up?
159
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,851
You're holding up one finger,
and it's the middle one.
160
00:07:29,886 --> 00:07:32,220
Damn. That would have
been better.
161
00:07:32,222 --> 00:07:33,604
Hold on a minute, Stan.
162
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:34,939
If you're texting now,
163
00:07:34,975 --> 00:07:37,058
why are you still
all over Hayley about it?
164
00:07:37,060 --> 00:07:38,726
Because, Klaus,
165
00:07:38,728 --> 00:07:40,945
when a parent makes a rule,
they have to enforce it,
166
00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:42,864
no matter how stupid
they realize it is.
167
00:07:42,899 --> 00:07:45,199
Otherwise, their kids won't
listen to anything they say.
168
00:07:45,235 --> 00:07:46,934
So...
you're a hypocrite?
169
00:07:46,970 --> 00:07:48,836
Name-calling,
huh, Klaus?
170
00:07:48,872 --> 00:07:52,240
Well, I guess I'm not texting
you my joke of the day anymore.
171
00:07:52,275 --> 00:07:54,509
Aw, come on!
Don't be like that!
172
00:07:54,544 --> 00:07:55,710
I will.
173
00:07:55,745 --> 00:07:57,145
I will be like that.
174
00:08:11,594 --> 00:08:13,661
Better.
175
00:08:15,899 --> 00:08:18,566
Oh, this is just too good.
176
00:08:21,154 --> 00:08:22,487
Don't smile.
177
00:08:25,108 --> 00:08:29,777
Jeff, prepare to understand
your first insult.
178
00:08:29,779 --> 00:08:31,245
And send!
179
00:08:31,281 --> 00:08:32,113
Ooh!
180
00:08:33,199 --> 00:08:35,616
Aaaaaaaaaah!
181
00:08:38,204 --> 00:08:39,821
Oh, look -- there's a Klaus.
182
00:08:51,427 --> 00:08:52,610
Dad, are you okay?!
183
00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:54,825
Oh, God, Stan!
How did this happen?
184
00:08:54,945 --> 00:08:56,964
Well...I was just driving
all normal.
185
00:08:56,999 --> 00:08:58,279
I remember
I had just said to myself,
186
00:08:58,399 --> 00:09:00,566
"Wow. Everything's super-normal
right now."
187
00:09:00,802 --> 00:09:03,002
It was weird
that it was so normal.
188
00:09:03,004 --> 00:09:04,971
And...you want more.
189
00:09:05,006 --> 00:09:07,223
And so I...had...
190
00:09:07,259 --> 00:09:08,341
a seizure.
191
00:09:08,343 --> 00:09:09,843
A seizure?!
192
00:09:09,845 --> 00:09:11,911
You've never had seizures
before!
193
00:09:11,947 --> 00:09:14,714
I'm gonna bring in our seizure
expert to run some tests,
194
00:09:14,749 --> 00:09:16,349
make sure that's what it was.
195
00:09:16,384 --> 00:09:17,767
You paged me?
196
00:09:17,819 --> 00:09:18,985
This man claims
he had a seizure.
197
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,820
We just need
your expert opinion.
198
00:09:20,856 --> 00:09:21,955
My pleasure.
199
00:09:21,990 --> 00:09:23,323
So, when the episode happened,
200
00:09:23,358 --> 00:09:24,724
were you shaking all over?
201
00:09:24,759 --> 00:09:26,943
Yes.
This man had a seizure.
202
00:09:26,995 --> 00:09:29,329
Okay, Stan,
I want you on bed rest.
203
00:09:29,364 --> 00:09:30,947
I'm also prescribing
204
00:09:30,999 --> 00:09:32,916
some pretty aggressive
antiseizure medication.
205
00:09:32,951 --> 00:09:35,084
Now, there are
a number of side effects --
206
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,287
I don't care
if he can't get erections.
207
00:09:37,339 --> 00:09:39,672
That's...not
one of the side effects.
208
00:09:39,708 --> 00:09:42,375
Well, maybe it should be.
I could use a break.
209
00:09:42,410 --> 00:09:44,677
I'm just getting railed.
210
00:09:48,183 --> 00:09:49,766
Okay, I got you a day pass.
211
00:09:49,801 --> 00:09:51,935
It was 20 bucks,
so we're stealing towels.
212
00:09:51,970 --> 00:09:53,686
We're also stealing chlorine,
213
00:09:53,722 --> 00:09:56,055
but that was
already gonna happen.
214
00:09:56,107 --> 00:10:00,860
Ah, the public pool --
society's unflushed toilet.
215
00:10:03,398 --> 00:10:06,065
If you can perform
the same dive you did for me
216
00:10:06,117 --> 00:10:09,068
in front of these savages,
you've got nerves of steel.
217
00:10:09,104 --> 00:10:11,237
Bye-bye,
performance anxiety.
218
00:10:12,874 --> 00:10:14,240
Not so fast, hotshot.
219
00:10:14,242 --> 00:10:15,959
You have to wear these.
220
00:10:16,756 --> 00:10:20,079
Only two types of people wear
speedos to the public pool --
221
00:10:20,131 --> 00:10:22,315
great athletes and perverts.
222
00:10:22,350 --> 00:10:24,217
Which one are you?
223
00:10:26,888 --> 00:10:28,154
"Seizure," my ass.
224
00:10:28,189 --> 00:10:29,756
Beg pardon?
225
00:10:29,791 --> 00:10:31,791
You didn't have a seizure
when you crashed.
226
00:10:31,826 --> 00:10:33,326
You were probably
texting someone
227
00:10:33,361 --> 00:10:35,161
a picture of your balls
or something.
228
00:10:35,196 --> 00:10:36,896
Dude, ball shots are played out.
229
00:10:36,932 --> 00:10:39,132
It's all about making your elbow
look like a butt right now.
230
00:10:40,302 --> 00:10:42,135
Whoa!
Whose butt is that?
231
00:10:43,305 --> 00:10:45,371
Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.
232
00:10:45,407 --> 00:10:46,806
You know, your accident
233
00:10:46,841 --> 00:10:48,875
really put things
into perspective for me.
234
00:10:48,910 --> 00:10:52,011
Driving is already dangerous
enough without texting.
235
00:10:52,047 --> 00:10:54,347
I am gonna limit
how much I text, dad.
236
00:10:54,382 --> 00:10:57,984
It seems my precious rules
are safe for another day, Klaus.
237
00:10:59,454 --> 00:11:01,387
And now it's your turn
to obey me.
238
00:11:01,423 --> 00:11:03,122
You have to take these meds.
239
00:11:03,158 --> 00:11:06,025
No more close calls like that.
240
00:11:06,061 --> 00:11:07,844
"Possible side effects
include memory loss,
241
00:11:07,879 --> 00:11:09,712
chalky genitals,
hallucinations, underbite,
242
00:11:09,764 --> 00:11:11,714
unibrow, swamp palm,
Daniel Calf" --
243
00:11:11,766 --> 00:11:12,882
Daniel Calf?
244
00:11:12,934 --> 00:11:14,717
Klaus, I don't care about that.
245
00:11:14,769 --> 00:11:17,737
The important thing is that we
stop these seizures, right, dad?
246
00:11:17,772 --> 00:11:19,739
Absolutely, sweetheart.
247
00:11:21,209 --> 00:11:23,242
Okay, let's forget for a second
that you're taking
248
00:11:23,278 --> 00:11:25,244
some insane medication
that you don't need.
249
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:26,379
Already forgotten.
250
00:11:26,414 --> 00:11:28,214
You could have used the accident
251
00:11:28,249 --> 00:11:31,784
to prove your point to Hayley
that texting and driving is bad.
252
00:11:33,421 --> 00:11:35,955
And what happens when she
finds out you've been texting?
253
00:11:35,991 --> 00:11:38,741
Not gonna happen,
because I am done with all that.
254
00:11:38,793 --> 00:11:41,044
Just let me send this last one.
255
00:11:41,079 --> 00:11:42,362
Send.
256
00:11:42,397 --> 00:11:44,230
Ah! Damn autocorrect.
257
00:11:44,265 --> 00:11:47,800
It changed "Doc gave me meds"
to "Dog gave me AIDS."
258
00:11:47,836 --> 00:11:50,069
Let me juuuust...send.
259
00:11:51,139 --> 00:11:53,139
Damn it!
"Dong gave me AIDS."
260
00:11:53,174 --> 00:11:55,174
Let me juuuust...
261
00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:58,745
It appears vaudeville is
alive and well in cyberspace.
262
00:12:00,782 --> 00:12:03,016
My penis feels weird
in this, Roger --
263
00:12:03,018 --> 00:12:04,751
like everyone can see it.
264
00:12:04,786 --> 00:12:06,219
They can.
265
00:12:06,254 --> 00:12:08,488
Shape and size are coming
through with perfect clarity.
266
00:12:08,523 --> 00:12:10,523
But don't get psyched out --
just nail the dive
267
00:12:10,558 --> 00:12:12,825
and show these jerks
you've got ice in your veins.
268
00:12:12,861 --> 00:12:14,227
Okay.
269
00:12:14,262 --> 00:12:16,829
A-and who knows?
Maybe they won't even notice me.
270
00:12:16,865 --> 00:12:18,431
Everybody, look at this dipshit!
271
00:12:18,466 --> 00:12:19,899
What's the matter, kid?
272
00:12:19,934 --> 00:12:21,801
Didn't want to pay
for the whole tan?
273
00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:26,539
God, that's good stuff.
274
00:12:26,541 --> 00:12:28,207
Shake it off, iceman!
275
00:12:30,011 --> 00:12:31,961
Well.
What do we have here?
276
00:12:32,013 --> 00:12:34,263
An athlete or a pervert?
277
00:12:34,299 --> 00:12:37,383
Ignore me. I'm just a divorced
dad with weekend visitation.
278
00:12:37,435 --> 00:12:40,053
Gregory! What are you doing
over there by the jets?!
279
00:12:40,105 --> 00:12:42,805
I don't care if it fits!
You pull it out of that jet!
280
00:12:42,857 --> 00:12:43,890
Gregory!
281
00:12:49,531 --> 00:12:50,563
Swamp palm.
282
00:12:50,565 --> 00:12:52,098
Damn medication.
283
00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:55,134
I'm back from my trip,
Mr. S.
284
00:12:55,170 --> 00:12:57,136
Whoa! Sick unibrow, bro.
285
00:12:57,172 --> 00:12:59,072
The hair is just
a little side effect
286
00:12:59,107 --> 00:13:00,473
of the seizure medication.
287
00:13:00,508 --> 00:13:02,608
Which reminds me...
288
00:13:04,145 --> 00:13:05,445
Wow.
Empty already.
289
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,046
All right!
I'm cured!
290
00:13:07,082 --> 00:13:09,482
That's not how it works,
goofball.
291
00:13:09,517 --> 00:13:10,950
You need a refill.
292
00:13:10,985 --> 00:13:12,285
Oh, I'll drive him!
293
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,387
I don't know
why I said I'd drive.
294
00:13:14,422 --> 00:13:16,973
I drove over 40 miles
on my business trip,
295
00:13:17,008 --> 00:13:19,926
and that's gonna be it for me
for a while.
296
00:13:19,978 --> 00:13:23,229
By the way, I didn't
really understand your text.
297
00:13:23,264 --> 00:13:25,832
'Cause that person's not my mom.
298
00:13:25,867 --> 00:13:27,016
That went through?
299
00:13:27,068 --> 00:13:28,401
Even with the crash?
300
00:13:28,436 --> 00:13:31,270
Wait -- Mr. S.,
were you texting and driving?
301
00:13:31,272 --> 00:13:33,439
What? No!
Why would you say that?
302
00:13:33,441 --> 00:13:36,192
Because you sent me this video
right after.
303
00:13:37,362 --> 00:13:39,946
Oh, look -- these's a Klaus.
304
00:13:39,948 --> 00:13:41,414
Save me, texting!
305
00:13:41,449 --> 00:13:44,283
Okay, fine. I was.
But you can't tell Hayley.
306
00:13:44,285 --> 00:13:46,002
If she finds out I was texting,
307
00:13:46,037 --> 00:13:47,537
she'll never listen to me again.
308
00:13:47,589 --> 00:13:50,339
I can't just
turn a blind eye to this, Mr. S.
309
00:13:50,375 --> 00:13:52,291
I'm a field tester now.
310
00:13:52,293 --> 00:13:55,928
Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to
get a straight-up butt pic.
311
00:13:57,015 --> 00:13:59,048
Hmm.
I can do better.
312
00:14:01,936 --> 00:14:02,969
Ooh!
313
00:14:20,955 --> 00:14:22,989
Somebody!
Help my friend!
314
00:14:22,991 --> 00:14:26,159
Shouldn't you help him?!
You're right there!
315
00:14:26,211 --> 00:14:27,460
Yes, but I'm angry at him
316
00:14:27,495 --> 00:14:29,412
because he was
texting and driving!
317
00:14:29,464 --> 00:14:31,631
Come down! You'll see!
It's very obvious!
318
00:14:31,666 --> 00:14:34,000
This, I got to seeeeeee!
319
00:14:40,303 --> 00:14:41,836
He was texting and driving.
320
00:14:41,871 --> 00:14:43,404
It's a cautionary tale.
321
00:14:43,439 --> 00:14:45,272
I hate to say
"I told you so," but...
322
00:14:46,718 --> 00:14:49,068
You were right, dad.
You were right.
323
00:14:49,104 --> 00:14:50,203
There, there.
324
00:14:50,238 --> 00:14:51,370
I told you so.
325
00:14:51,406 --> 00:14:52,705
There, there.
326
00:14:52,741 --> 00:14:54,140
Well, the good news is,
327
00:14:54,142 --> 00:14:57,710
Jeff has a 60% chance
of pulling out of this coma.
328
00:14:57,746 --> 00:15:01,414
The bad news is,
that's out of, like, 800%.
329
00:15:01,449 --> 00:15:04,050
We'll call if there's any change
in Jeff's condition.
330
00:15:04,085 --> 00:15:06,035
Oh, no.
No, I am not leaving his side.
331
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:09,188
Me neither. I'm staying
right here, day and night.
332
00:15:09,224 --> 00:15:12,125
We shooould probably
get some magazines, though.
333
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:16,329
Oh, yeah. And I need, need,
neeeeeeed a hot dog.
334
00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:21,200
As for you,
a traumatic event like this
335
00:15:21,236 --> 00:15:23,169
can increase
the risk of seizures.
336
00:15:23,204 --> 00:15:25,772
I'm gonna up your medication
as a precaution.
337
00:15:25,807 --> 00:15:27,373
Oh...
that's not necessary.
338
00:15:30,545 --> 00:15:33,246
Well, you're all set.
339
00:15:33,281 --> 00:15:35,014
Looks like I'm in the clear.
340
00:15:35,049 --> 00:15:36,783
They bought the whole thing.
341
00:15:36,818 --> 00:15:38,785
What if Jeff
comes out of that coma?
342
00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:39,769
Who said that?
343
00:15:39,821 --> 00:15:41,854
Down here, bro.
344
00:15:41,856 --> 00:15:42,939
Hey, buddy.
345
00:15:42,991 --> 00:15:44,190
Who are you?!
346
00:15:44,192 --> 00:15:46,192
I'm Daniel Calf.
I'm a side effect.
347
00:15:46,244 --> 00:15:48,244
Oh. Right. Of course.
Uh, please excuse me.
348
00:15:48,279 --> 00:15:50,029
Today has been absolutely nuts.
349
00:15:50,031 --> 00:15:51,864
Please. I get it.
350
00:15:51,916 --> 00:15:54,200
So, listen, if Jeff
comes out of that coma,
351
00:15:54,252 --> 00:15:55,535
he's gonna tell everybody
352
00:15:55,570 --> 00:15:58,037
that you were the one
texting and driving.
353
00:15:58,072 --> 00:15:59,372
He could ruin everything.
354
00:15:59,407 --> 00:16:00,506
What do I do about that?
355
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:01,974
You got to kill him, chief.
356
00:16:02,010 --> 00:16:03,075
Okay.
357
00:16:05,513 --> 00:16:08,181
Wait -- he can't prove
I was texting and driving.
358
00:16:08,216 --> 00:16:10,316
His phone's
at the bottom of a river.
359
00:16:10,351 --> 00:16:12,552
Plus, Hayley will
obviously believe me.
360
00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:15,254
She's eating out of
the swampy palm of my hand.
361
00:16:15,290 --> 00:16:16,789
What about the mainframe?
362
00:16:16,825 --> 00:16:17,857
The main-what-now?
363
00:16:17,892 --> 00:16:19,091
The mainframe.
364
00:16:19,127 --> 00:16:20,393
It's where
your cellphone provider
365
00:16:20,428 --> 00:16:22,295
keeps all the texts
you've ever sent.
366
00:16:22,330 --> 00:16:24,130
As long
as that mainframe exists,
367
00:16:24,165 --> 00:16:25,932
someone could find out
the truth.
368
00:16:25,967 --> 00:16:27,133
So, what do I have to do?
369
00:16:27,168 --> 00:16:28,901
My head's a bit fuzzy
from the shot.
370
00:16:28,937 --> 00:16:31,370
Look, there's only two words
you need to remember --
371
00:16:31,406 --> 00:16:33,339
"Destroy mainframe."
372
00:16:33,374 --> 00:16:34,540
No problem.
373
00:16:34,576 --> 00:16:35,875
Destroy...
374
00:16:35,910 --> 00:16:37,443
man!
375
00:16:37,478 --> 00:16:39,078
Ohh! Almost!
376
00:16:39,113 --> 00:16:40,513
Just channel all the energy
377
00:16:40,548 --> 00:16:42,515
you normally use
to walk and talk
378
00:16:42,550 --> 00:16:44,584
and focus it
on these two words --
379
00:16:44,619 --> 00:16:46,586
"Destroy mainframe."
380
00:16:46,621 --> 00:16:49,355
Destroy mainframe!
381
00:16:49,390 --> 00:16:50,857
That's it!
382
00:16:50,892 --> 00:16:53,292
Now let go of your motor skills!
Really focus!
383
00:16:53,328 --> 00:16:54,894
Yaaaaaaah!
384
00:16:54,929 --> 00:16:57,463
Yeah!
You're doing it!
385
00:16:57,498 --> 00:17:00,066
Do it! Do it!
What's your problem?!
386
00:17:02,503 --> 00:17:04,170
You've been up there forever!
387
00:17:04,205 --> 00:17:05,371
Dive, you freak!
388
00:17:05,406 --> 00:17:06,439
Show us your balls!
389
00:17:06,491 --> 00:17:07,940
What he said!
390
00:17:07,942 --> 00:17:09,242
I can get behind that.
391
00:17:09,277 --> 00:17:11,911
You've nailed this dive
a million times.
392
00:17:11,946 --> 00:17:14,113
And here comes
a million and one.
393
00:17:14,148 --> 00:17:16,032
Goodbye, yips.
394
00:17:20,121 --> 00:17:20,953
Aah!
395
00:17:20,955 --> 00:17:22,455
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
396
00:17:29,330 --> 00:17:32,899
He's okay!
The pervert is okay!
397
00:17:37,138 --> 00:17:40,473
Destroy mainframe!
398
00:17:40,475 --> 00:17:42,608
Mainframe!
399
00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:45,211
Sir, the mainframe's
not actually in the store.
400
00:17:45,246 --> 00:17:47,013
We don't even have a bathroom.
401
00:17:47,048 --> 00:17:49,248
She's lying.
She works for the mainframe.
402
00:17:49,284 --> 00:17:51,317
Mainframe!
403
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,594
Mainframe!
404
00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:08,384
Ah. You found
our push-to-talk phone.
405
00:18:08,419 --> 00:18:10,386
Cellular range,
walkie-talkie convenience.
406
00:18:10,421 --> 00:18:12,171
Yaaaaaaaaaahhh!
407
00:18:15,426 --> 00:18:17,343
Mainframe?
Dad, Jeff's awake!
408
00:18:17,345 --> 00:18:19,211
Wha?
He's out of his coma.
409
00:18:19,247 --> 00:18:20,980
Noooooooooo!
410
00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:29,605
You should've killed him
before -- when I told you.
411
00:18:29,657 --> 00:18:32,441
Just met you then.
No developed trust yet.
412
00:18:39,584 --> 00:18:41,534
Hayley!
I'm -- I'm --
413
00:18:41,536 --> 00:18:43,586
I'm so -- I'm so sorry!
414
00:18:43,621 --> 00:18:45,504
Oh, God!
What have I done?!
415
00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:50,293
Her organs are being
held inside her body by the car.
416
00:18:50,345 --> 00:18:52,511
When the car moves,
she'll lose them.
417
00:18:52,547 --> 00:18:55,322
That means she's only got
17 months to live.
418
00:18:55,559 --> 00:18:56,883
'Cause that's
when my lease is up.
419
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,652
Hayley, this is all my fault!
420
00:18:59,687 --> 00:19:03,422
I was the one who was
texting and driving, not Jeff.
421
00:19:03,458 --> 00:19:06,058
I thought admitting that to you
was bad parenting,
422
00:19:06,094 --> 00:19:09,028
but this -- this is
slightly worse parenting.
423
00:19:11,616 --> 00:19:13,199
What's going on?
424
00:19:13,234 --> 00:19:14,400
Hallucinations.
425
00:19:14,402 --> 00:19:16,235
That's a common side effect
of the meds.
426
00:19:16,287 --> 00:19:17,536
I'll pull him out of it.
427
00:19:17,572 --> 00:19:19,622
Wait. Let's leave it
for a while.
428
00:19:26,297 --> 00:19:28,164
Thanks for trying
to help me, Roger.
429
00:19:28,216 --> 00:19:31,217
I guess there's nothing we can
do about my performance anxiety.
430
00:19:31,252 --> 00:19:33,552
Wait -- did you learn nothing
from that whole experience?
431
00:19:33,588 --> 00:19:35,521
Yeah --
I crack under pressure.
432
00:19:35,556 --> 00:19:37,990
Buddy, you just missed
the whole point of my lesson.
433
00:19:38,026 --> 00:19:39,158
There is no pressure.
434
00:19:39,193 --> 00:19:40,292
Huh?
435
00:19:40,328 --> 00:19:41,694
Those jerks at the swim club
436
00:19:41,729 --> 00:19:43,050
can make fun of you
all they want,
437
00:19:43,064 --> 00:19:44,563
but at the end of the day,
438
00:19:44,599 --> 00:19:47,233
you get to come back here
to your house with a pool,
439
00:19:47,268 --> 00:19:48,267
and they don't.
440
00:19:48,302 --> 00:19:49,668
Ohhhh.
441
00:19:49,704 --> 00:19:51,837
None of those idiots
have their own pool.
442
00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:54,118
You think if they did, they'd
go to a place like that?
443
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,359
Why would they?
444
00:19:55,479 --> 00:19:56,632
That place sucks.
445
00:19:56,685 --> 00:19:59,202
And you think that if you flunk
some Biology test at school,
446
00:19:59,322 --> 00:20:01,395
they're gonna take your pool away from you?
447
00:20:01,515 --> 00:20:03,729
No, I guess they won't.
448
00:20:03,849 --> 00:20:07,679
No way. You can flunk every test forever
and you still get to come back here.
449
00:20:07,799 --> 00:20:10,450
- To a house with a pool.
- Oh my God.
450
00:20:10,570 --> 00:20:13,321
- I have a pool.
- There you go.
451
00:20:13,441 --> 00:20:16,368
- I have a pool.
- We got a pool, baby.
452
00:20:16,488 --> 00:20:18,106
Yeah!
453
00:20:23,773 --> 00:20:27,279
I take solace in the fact that
her life was not lived in vain.
454
00:20:27,399 --> 00:20:33,643
I, Stan Smith, solemnly vow
to carry myself as she did.
455
00:20:33,763 --> 00:20:37,790
With integrity, dignity and grace.
456
00:20:40,204 --> 00:20:41,595
Can I bring him out of it now?
457
00:20:41,715 --> 00:20:43,676
Just a little bit longer.
458
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:47,237
Looks like you got a fruit cake
in the deli department.
459
00:20:48,383 --> 00:20:50,774
We got a major burn at register 8.
460
00:20:50,894 --> 00:20:53,066
Sydney, you don't work here anymore.
461
00:20:53,186 --> 00:20:54,749
I'm a customer now, Tom.
462
00:20:54,869 --> 00:20:56,944
Sydney ain't going nowhere.
33726
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