All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S01E13.Michaels.Gambit.en

- Morning, Mike.
How's it hanging?

- Oh.
Fine, Dave, just fine.

- Listen, we got the files
for the new crop of incoming,

and the big guy thinks it's time
for you to fly solo.

- I get to design it myself?

- You've been an apprentice
long enough. You're ready.

- Oh, Dave,
I'm gonna work so hard.

My design is gonna be
absolutely perfect.

Easy there, rookie.

Starting immediately,
you'll be reporting

directly to the front office.

This is your shot.
Good luck.

- the bad place is owed
two people.

You have all done bad things
since you arrived here.

I don't care
which two of you go.

You can decide.
You have 30 minutes.

- All I ever wanted was
for this neighborhood--

my first neighborhood
to be perfect.

Somehow I blew it and...
Well, you're all suffering,

and for that,
I'm deeply sorry.

This is truly
the saddest day of my life.

- Okay, I guess
I'll speak first.

Jason and I are
the mistakes.

We're the ones
who misled everybody

and dragged you all
into this mess, so...

We should go
to the bad place.

- Agreed.
- Yes.

- Okay, I thought you were gonna
at least pretend

to fight me on that,
but whatever.

- Hang on.
That judge guy just said

everyone here has done
bad things.

Let's look at this
ethnically.

- "Ethically."

- You guys helped
me and Eleanor, right,

but we're bad,
so you helping us was bad.

It's basic consequentialism:
The morality of an action

is solely judged
on its consequences.

Great.

The one time you actually
remember something from class.

- Maybe I was brought here
by mistake,

but since we've been here,
i just tried

to stay
out of everyone's way.

Chidi's done
worse stuff than me.

He murdered Janet.
He killed my wife!

- I was trying to stop you
from doing it!

- Yeah, but you did it.

He who smelt it
murdered Janet.

- Well,
it's settled then.

Eleanor and jianyu
are leaving.

- For the last time,
my name is Jason,

not jianyu, the amazing
and incredible monk.

- Which is why you belong
in the bad place.

- And by the way,
Janet is not your wife,

or your soul mate.

There's a Janet
in every neighborhood.

- Well, I'm in love
with this Janet.

We did a bunch of amazing,
awesome stuff

which almost turned out
to be sex,

and we were married
in a legal ceremony.

- It was not legal.

- Okay, j-bones,
you and me, outside.

- What? But--

I'm not going.
I don't wanna.

- Well, I don't wanna either,
but let's face it.

Chidi and tahani are
better people than we are.

We tried to improve ourselves
and we did a good job.

Well, I did a good job.

You mostly fell asleep
in class

or made fart noises
with your hands.

I could never do that

on earth.

This place truly is paradise.

- Whispering away like
two beefeaters on a tea break.

I bet they're plotting
against us.

- No way.
Eleanor wouldn't do that.

- You do have
feelings for her, don't you?

- Yes.

think about this again.
My brain will break.

- I'm sorry, it's just that
i have certain feelings for you.

I don't mean
to contribute to your misery,

it's just that
I'm frightened.

I don't have
an actual soul mate.

What's gonna happen to me
when Jason and fake Eleanor go

and you're off
with real Eleanor?

Whither tahani?

Okay, team meeting.

Jason has agreed that
the two of us should go.

- Bye, tahani.

After I'm gone you can go ahead
and clean out my bud hole.

- Thank you.

- I love you so much, baby.
Promise me you'll visit.

- I will not.

It is literally impossible
for me to do that.

- well, it's been real, dog.

Sorry, that's how I ended most
of my serious relationships.

- Yeah, that checks out.

I feel like I failed you.

- No.
Don't ever think that.

I was dropped into a cave,
and you were my flashlight.

- Oh. Good-bye forever.

I will miss you so much.

- I'll miss you too,
you sexy skyscraper.

All right, ready to go?
Let's grab Michael.

Come in.

- Hi, guys.
Sorry to interrupt.

Um, I'm going to the bad place.
I've taken one of the slots.

- What?
- Awesome.

- Eleanor, that's crazy.
You belong here.

Why would you go?

- Everyone here is
supposed to have a soul mate,

and my soul mate
doesn't love me.

I don't know if you love
the other Eleanor

or tahani
or someone else,

but you don't love me,
which means that this...

Will never really be
my good place.

I'm going, so you only
have to choose one more person.

- Okay, that means--

what does that mean?

- It means...

I get to stay here
with my wife forever!

We did it, Eleanor!
Usa! Usa! Usa!

No matter what they decide,
I'd bet you're gonna be

in pretty hot water
with your boss.

Wouldn't be surprised
if retirement were on the table.

- Retirement?

I'm just the all-knowing judge
of all matters in the afterlife.

But face it,
this is your mistake.

- Morning, Mike.
- Morning, val.

- Which one's which?
I always forget.

- Black is regular,
orange is anti-matter.

- Working on your first
solo design, right?

How's it coming?

- Do you ever get the feeling
we could be doing it all...

I mean, it's always the same.
We get the names,

come up with the design,
they arrive,

we move on
to the next one.

We never even get to be there...
To see how fun it is.

- Yeah, I guess, but don't
rock the boat here, pal,

just try to do a good job.

Mm.
French vanilla?

Regular anti-matter's fine.
Why flavor it?

- a good job.

- all right, nerds,
let's just get this over with.

I'll go to the bad place
with real Eleanor,

and you three can stay.
- Yes!

We get to stay, baby!
We did it!

- Wait, no.

You're not going.

I am.

- Real Eleanor is my soul mate--
or was my soul mate--

and she's only
going down there

because she thinks
that I don't love her.

Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.

The point is, if she's going
down there because of me,

- Yes! We get to stay, baby!
We did it!

- No, this is bonkers.

I am going.
End of story.

- No, I'm going.
End of everything.

- What? Now you're trying
to replace chidi?

- No. I'm going to replace
real Eleanor.

which means that you and
real Eleanor and Jason can stay.

- Yes! We get to stay, baby!
We did it!

- Look, I love you
and I think you love me.

We can be together,
away from everyone else.

Obviously,
we'll be miserable,

but I truly believe
our love will make us happy.

- Okay, you realize
the bad place is not

some sort of couples retreat,
right?

- If it is, Janet and i
would like to go.

- Oh, that's enough out of you,
robot lover.

- Hey, that's racist!
- Not a robot.

- Oh, you have some nerve.

Guys?

Guys!

Holy motherforking shirtballs.

- What?

- Wow!

Okay, okay.

Uh, whoo!

Yo, Mikey! Shawn!
Come on out!

- Is everything okay?

- Right as rain,
Mikey my boy.

So, chidi and I are gonna go
to the bad place.

- What?
- Trust me, I've got this.

That's our decision.
Let's hit it.

- Well,
what about real Eleanor?

- No, it's me and chidi.
Call the train.

- Point of order.
I don't accept this offer.

The real mistakes were
Jason and Eleanor.

- Gah, gah, gah, gah!
You said any two of us.

It's me and chidi.
Let's do it to it.

- Michael! I just found
an obscure precedent

in the rules
that might just save everyone.

- Buzz off, bambadjan!
Don't need it.

- Oh, okay.

- Ready when you are, boss.

- Eleanor,
what's going on?

- It took me a while
to figure it out,

but just now
as we were all

fighting and yelling
at each other

and each one of us demanding
we should go to the bad place,

I thought to myself,
"man, this is torture."

And then it hit me.

They're never gonna call a train
to take us to the bad place.

The can't,
because we're already here.

This is the bad place.

Oh, man!

I can't believe
you figured it out.

Oh, god!

Y-you ruined everything,
you know that?

Eleanor,
you really suck!

I was so close

to pulling it off!

- Sorry.
So she's right?

- Yeah, she figured it out.

- No, this doesn't make
any sense.

This is paradise.

- Oh, it looks
like paradise,

but it's actually
a filthy dumpster

full of our worst anxieties.

I'm surrounded by people who are
literally better than me.

Just me being here forced chidi
into an ethical "clusterfork."

Tahani tortured Jason

by constantly trying
to get him to talk,

Jason tortured my because I was
sure he would blow our cover,

which was torture
for chidi,

because he was
responsible for me,

which made chidi seem
like the perfect soul mate,

and that tortured tahani
because he didn't love her.

- Please, don't ask me that
right now.

- See?

We've been torturing each other

since the moment
we arrived,

and everything
Michael has done

has made at least one of us
miserable.

He played us like a fiddle.

- Oh, dip!

Eleanor,
i told you that first night

that we were
in a prank show.

- Oh, yeah.

You did!
Great job, man.

- Chidi, don't go!

I don't care if you don't
love me; I love you.

It's the only thing
that makes any sense to me

in this crazy world,
and I think we should stay--

- no, stop, Vicky.
They figured it out.

- They--
- they know this is

the bad place.

Eleanor figured it out.

Man!

This was supposed to be
my big moment.

I just rehearsed that speech
for, like, three hours.

Damn it, Eleanor,
you are the worst,

and you can all
suck it.

when you predicted you could
do this for 1,000 years?

- The time has come
to innovate.

The human afterlife
can be more fun.

For us, obviously, not
for the people we're torturing.

Who cares
about those dummies?

I present to you
the perfect recipe

for my proposed experiment.

Four people, perfectly suited
to make each other miserable.

I am going to design
an afterlife

where they
torture each other.

Humans are very reticent
to torture each other.

Even getting them to do
simple things

like pulling out each other's
teeth is like--

I can't think
of the right analogy.

What makes you think that you
can get them to do this?

- Because they won't even know
that they are doing it.

I'm going to make them think
that they are in the good place,

and to make sure that they
drive each other insane,

I will be there, posing
as a good place architect.

- I even stole
a good place Janet we can use.

Look,

we can just send them all
to the hot spike pits

with the lava and the bees

and the lightning
that tears off their flesh.

Let's try something new.

I cannot predict everything
that's gonna happen,

but we'll improvise.

We'll be on our toes.

I think that we can get them
to torture each other...

For 1,000 years.

- I think you'd be lucky
to get six months

out of this insane gambit.

But take me through it.
How would this work, exactly?

- Oh. Yes, all right, so--

This is
a 14 million-point plan.

- Um--
oh, sorry.

I thought we reserved
the conference room.

- No, Todd,
we have it until 3:00.

- Sorry.
Sorry, everyone.

- So, everyone else
in this neighborhood--

- except for you four,

everyone in this neighborhood
is one of us.

After I came up
with everyone's characters,

we'd just create fun scenarios
designed to torture you.

- How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it

or even spoken
for days.

a really nice vacation
from your full-time job.

Get your story straight.

- Okay.

They're at each other's throats
already.

This should put them
over the top.

Ed, you play Bart,
a former private eye.

- Ooh.
- Tracy, you're his soul mate,

Nina...
A marriage counselor.

- Maybe we can get them
to swing with us.

- That's perfect,
perfect!

Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, guys?
It's Michael!

- That was
really a fun time.

Then it all started
to go off the rails.

- When I confessed.

You had no idea
I was gonna do that,

because honestly, I had
no idea I was gonna do that.

- Yeah, that came
out of nowhere.

I mean, after that it was just
a crazy scramble for all of us.

You know, I definitely
underestimated

how effective chidi
was gonna be,

teaching you
to be good,

and obviously,
we didn't anticipate

that Janet would
fall in love with Jason.

- Hang on.
That part is real.

- Oh, yeah.
Janet isn't one of us.

No, she's sort of a...
Foundational mainframe

for all of the neighborhoods,
good and bad.

And apparently, this Janet
is in love with Jason.

I mean--
What a world, huh?

- Wait, I don't get
something.

I know why Jason and I were
sent here, but why tahani?

- Oh, yeah.
Didn't you raise,

like, $1,000 for charity,
or whatever?

- Uh, $60 billion,
actually, so.

Oh.

But it didn't matter...

Because my motivations
were corrupt.

I didn't care
about helping

the people
i raised the money for.

I just wanted to prove
my parents wrong,

stick it to my sister,

get fame and attention.

My only real goal

was to snog Ryan gosling
at the met ball.

Which I did.

Couple of times,
actually.

- But wait,
why is chidi here?

- Well, uh...

There's something
you don't know about me.

I read an article saying
that growing almonds

was bad for the environment,
and yet I continued to use

almond milk in my coffee--
- no, dingus!

You hurt
everyone in your life

with your rigidity
and your indecisiveness.

- Oh, fork!

Every friend, every girlfriend
was driven nuts

because I couldn't
do anything.

I missed my mom's
back surgery

because I had already promised
my landlord's nephew

that I would help him
figure out his new phone.

I made everyone
miserable.

- I mean, all this hard work,
all the planning,

all for nothing.

This really sucks.

- No, it doesn't.

This is wonderful.

You saw us all
on earth--

a selfish ass, an idiot dj,
a tortured academic,

a hot, rich fraud
with legs for days--

side note, I might
legit be into tahani.

But that's
for another time.

You thought we would
torture each other,

and we did
for a little,

but we also took care
of each other.

We improved each other,

and the four of us
became a team.

So, the only thing
you succeeded in doing

was bringing us all
together.

- Oh, Eleanor.
That's it!

My big mistake was
bringing you all together,

having you be soul mates
living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out
so it's more of a slow burn.

- Uh, next time?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna
erase your memories,

you know, make a few changes
and start over again.

Hopefully. Just gotta get
the boss man to sign off.

Wish me luck.

- Guys, we need a plan.
Quick.

Tahani, anything?

Chidi, I need ya.
You're the smart one.

- I-i can't.
I-i can't.

- Jason?
- What? What's up?

- Ugh!

- What do you say?
Take two, huh?

- I don't know.

I mean, what is this?
All this work for four people.

- Look, for a first attempt
it was actually very promising.

Let me--let me just tinker
a little, try again.

- Okay.

But you're way out on a limb
here, Mike.

If this thing goes sideways
again, you are done.

- Guys, he is going to erase
our memories at any second

and all of this will have been
for nothing.

Ugh!
You're useless!

What do I write?
What do I write?

Ooh!
Come on, brain.

Janet?

You can't eat anything,
right?

- Correct.
- Open up.

- All right, let's try again,
shall we?

- You know what, bro?
Do your worst.

We figured it out once,
we can do it again,

because you know what,
Michael?

Ya bas--

- Eleanor,
come on in.

You, Eleanor shellstrop,
are dead.

- Cool.

- You know the way you feel
when you see

a chimpanzee and a baby tiger
who've become friends?

That's how you're
going to feel every day.

- Eleanor?
I'm Chris Baker.

I'm your soul mate.

- Cool.
Bring it in, man.

So where are you from,
Chris?

- I'm from teaneck,
New Jersey,

and I was a mailman.

- Really?

Chris, you'll stand by me
no matter what, right?

- Hold that thought.
Is it okay if I go work out?

I love working out.
I gotta stay jacked,

it's...Who I am.

- Yeah, you gotta.

- Once I'm back,
we'll get to know each other.

- Great.

See ya soon.

Hi there.

Who are you?
- I'm Janet.

I think this is yours.

After I was rebooted,
i found it in my mouth.

- What?

What the fork
is a "chidi"?

Why can't I say "fork"?