All language subtitles for Sabrina.The.Teenage.Witch.S03E12.Whose.So.Called.Life.Is.It.Anyway.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

When did you start painting?

When no one would
read my screenplay.

I need a creative outlet.

My background is pretty
much limited to spin art

but I like what I see.

Let'’s not forget my model.

She deserves some credit.

Do you mind if I
put my nose back?

I'’ve got to sneeze.

For your safety, please
watch the following video.

Oh, you can read a magazine

but you didn'’t have time
to read my screenplay.

I got through
volumes one and two

but then it seemed to drift.

This is enchanted by,
the magazine for witches.

Anything in there
about dating mortals?

You'’ll do anything
to work the fact

that you'’re dating someone
into the conversation.

That'’s not true.

Has anyone seen my book bag?

The guy i'’m dating has books.

Sabrina, I want you to check out

this month'’s enchanted by.

There happen to be
some very edifying articles.

"Nose warts: How to hide them."

Oh, good... it'’s got pictures.

The guy i'’m dating has a nose.

Okay, i'’ll stop.

I want you to read the bulletin

from the witches'’ council.

They'’re advising witches
under the age of 21

to refrain from
charitable magic.

Whew! Relieved of the
burden of helping others.

Charitable magic can have
disastrous long-term consequences.

For instance, the
teenage witch in Ohio

who zapped away
her best friend'’s acne.

How thoughtful.

Seemed that way.

But as it turns
out, her best friend

was destined to one day
discover a cure for acne.

So now, no cure.

And now, instead
of being a scientist

she'’ll be a smooth-faced wino.

Okay, i'’ll add that to my list

of 10,000 other witch
rules i'’m supposed to follow.

Would you mind terribly

if I asked for that
in a crystal bowl?

As an artist, i'’m sensitive
about these things.

Allow me.

Ooh! Grazie.

Zelda: That was charitable.

You didn'’t listen
to a word I said.

Oh, come on... Salem'’s not
going to accomplish anything.

I'’m still way ahead of
half the Kennedy children.

Harvey, you'’re going
to be late for chemistry.

What are you doing?

Trying to open my locker.

You think my gym shoes
could be causing a vacuum?

I know i'’m not
supposed to do this

but I seriously doubt
there'’s a nobel prize

in Harvey'’s future.

Whoa! Somebody'’s
been working out.

Sabrina, i'’ve got to
ask you something.

If it'’s about your hair

yes, it does look like a
woodland creature'’s home.

Oh, yeah? Well, I...

Didn'’t really have time
to fix it this morning.

You know, Libby,
speaking of hair.

How'’s your chronic
lice problem?

I mean, you should be charging

those little fellows rent.

That was great, Sabrina.

I hate to put you

in the embarrassing position

of having to say no

but my mom'’s always
on me about having

a friend over for dinner

and i'’ve been putting
if off for 13 years

but she'’s like a
dog with a bone.

Val, stop being so insecure.

I'’d love to come over.

Really? Tonight
is "charades night"

at the birckhead house.

Sounds like fun, and it beats

"throw out the fuzzy
food" night at my house.

You know, painting has opened
up a whole new world for me.

My soul is soaring.

Now, how can I use
this god-given talent

for material gain?

I know. All I need is a human.

[ Footsteps approaching]

Close enough.

It smells like
turpentine in here.

Did you order out

from that cheap
Sushi place again?

Hildie, do me a favor
and take these paintings

down to that hip
new gallery in town.

You know, the one
with all the driftwood art.

I can'’t.

Brock'’s picking me up
for our date any minute.

Besides, no gallery would
ever buy paintings done by a cat.

What if you tell them
you'’re the painter?

We'’ll split the commission
down the middle...

80-20.

But I Don'’t like
your paintings.

They'’re creepy.

Why Don'’t you paint
something pretty on velvet?

Hilda, Brock'’s here.

Who ordered Sushi?

Hi, hilda.

Hi.

Say, who'’s the
artist in the family?

These paintings are remarkable.

Oh, it'’s really just a hobby.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you see, Sabrina

being a safety inspector
boils down to this:

People pay me to do
their worrying for them.

Wow. Do you get a
bonus for panicking?

By the way, Warren

I picked this up for
you on the way home.

Great bicycle helmet.

Oh, no. We wear them

in the car.

20 bucks to keep
that inside these walls.

Have some chopped
beets, Sabrina.

Mom'’s a nutritionist.

Everything we eat is healthy.

I never said being my
friend would be easy.

Don'’t worry. I can make
almost anything disappear.

What a beautiful shade of red.

I could use that color
to create a masterpiece.

Nah, i'’ll just eat it.

Mrs. Birckhead: 26, 27

twenty-eight.

Now you may swallow.

Hey, look, a wishbone.

I once choked on a ham bone.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Why Don'’t you and
Mr. Birckhead make a wish?

No, thank you.

We'’re not the whimsical sort.

Come on. Live a little.

Well, all right, then.

But everyone shield your eyes.

There may be bone shards.

I guess this is sort of charity

but i'’m so bored.

Make a good wish.

Their lives are so dry,
here'’s what we'’ll do:

Take whatever they wish
and make it come true.

Okay, who wants
or is willing to try

rhubarb pie?

Yummy.

[ Humming, gasps]

Looks like pie. I...

[ Sniffs] That smells terrible.

Bad colors. I Don'’t...
I won'’t eat this.

I refuse to eat...
[ Eats noisily]

Um, strong.

Round.

Oh, i'’ve got it.

The effect of gamma rays on
man-in-the-moon marigolds.

Wow. I couldn'’t
even get little women.

I'’m such a loser.

Okay, that makes
the final charades

score: Sabrina 18
everyone else: Two.

Well, I really got to get going.

I'’m really tired and no wonder

it'’s 8:15.

This is the latest
anyone has ever stayed

including blood relatives.

Thank you.

It was nice to see you, Sabrina.

Dinner was terrific, and
thanks for the recipe.

That Lima bean loaf
really did taste like tofu.

Leave before she tries to
put some in a sack for you.

Got to go.

You really livened up
our evening, Sabrina.

In fact, that'’s
what I wished for.

That our Valerie
would be happier

and more upbeat like you.

A happier Valerie...

What could be wrong with that?

So, what happened
at the gallery?

They bought all the paintings.

Yes!

And they want to have

an exhibition of your work.

I mean, our work.

I mean, my work.

Don'’t you want to hear
about my date last night?

No.

Let'’s see the money.

Here.

Why did you want
it all in singles?

So I can do this:

I'’m rich! Rich, I tell you!

Salem, it'’s only a
few hundred dollars.

I'’m well-off!

Well-off, I tell you!

[ Laughs deliriously]

Hey, Sabrina, that
was really fun last night.

For the first time in years

I didn'’t have my "naked
in the superdome" dream.

I'’m glad you'’re
in a good mood.

I just feel different
for some reason.

I'’d like to thank you two

for always traveling together.

It helps me insult you
that much more efficiently.

Libby, you better run along.

Aren'’t you late for your...

"future bitter divorcees
of america" meeting?

My worst nightmare:

Freaks in sensurround.

That felt great.

Well, better get to algebra two.

Well, she is more upbeat.

Man, i'’m good.

"A 25-foot ladder is
leaning against a garage.

"Its base is 12
feet from the wall.

How high up does
the ladder reach?"

Oh, I know.

The ladder is...

21.9 feet high.

Why, Valerie

that'’s another one right.

Either you'’ve been studying

or have I been mouthing
the answers again?

No. Valerie'’s just
becoming more like a person

that'’s good in math.

So, you notice
anything different

about Valerie lately?

Now that you mention it

she seems a lot more happy

and relaxed like you.

Oh, well, you mean

that she reminds
you of me, right?

Not that she'’s actually
becoming like me?

Guys Don'’t struggle
with issues like that.

Valerie, wait.

I can'’t. I signed up to help

with Spanish tutoring.

Me, too. Since when
do you speak Spanish?

Yo no se.

That'’s Spanish, you know.

Sabrina... valerie...

You first. You first.

I just... I just...

Stop! stop!

That'’s so weird.

It'’s like we have the
same brain or something.

Man, i'’m late.

Got to go.

Oh, Sabrina.

Hi, Mrs. Birckhead.

I was just on my
way to science club...

Valerie said she'’s
joining that club.

There'’s a surprise.

Anyway, I was just wondering

about the wish you
made the other night

on the wishbone.

Do you remember
your exact words?

I said, "I wish our Valerie
could be just like Sabrina."

"Just like" me? Uh-huh.

I'’ll get her.

Try and stay calm.

It would be so unusual for
a spell to backfire on me.

Hey, Sabrina.

And they say no
one bats a thousand.

Valerie, your hair
looks just like mine.

I was going to say
the same thing to you.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Hey, I could get used to that.

Harvey...

Did you just do
what I think you did?

You mean, kiss Valerie?

But I kiss everyone.

It'’s my Italian blood.

Paisan.

You'’re sylvanian.

Hey, I just got off
the phone with Brock.

He asked me out on another date.

I'’ll get in touch with
the people at Ripley'’s.

You know, I really think
Brock might be the one.

I mean, there'’s no posing.

There'’s no pretense.

It'’s just a totally
honest relationship.

So, you told him
you'’re a witch?

Of course not.

Oh, by the way

the gallery called.

They want to pick up
some more of mypaintings.

Brock'’s so impressed.

Fine, but I should inform you

that my style has evolved.

I now work with found objects.

Old bicycle inner tubes,
seashells, bio-waste

and incorporate
them into my art.

Sounds awful.

I'’m going to be famous.

Here we go. "Wishbone spells.

"See Sanders, colonel

page 387."

What?!

Salem, there'’s paint
all over the page I need.

Do you have any idea why?

Yeah, i'’ve been
cleaning my brushes on it.

I heard that lichtenstein
cleaned his with Perrier

and hundred dollar bills.

Thanks a lot.

I granted Mrs. Birckhead'’s
wish that Valerie be like me.

Not justlike you.

Would we be having
this conversation

if I had left it vague?

This is bad.

Pretty soon there'’ll
be two sabrinas

and Valerie will
disappear forever.

How can I phrase this in a way

that will capture the
spirit of the moment?

Help!

Here'’s what you do.

Move to the pacific northwest

and live out your days
under an assumed name.

I recommend Agnes.

Salem, you'’re useless.

I'’m an artist.

Not a logician.

There'’s got to be
a way around this.

Hey!

If Valerie'’s acting like me,
all I have to do is start acting

the way she used to act
before she started acting like me.

Then she'’ll start
acting like her old self

and stop acting like me.

Would this be a
bad time to tell you

you'’re sitting on paint?

I have an idea.

Have you ever thought
about dying your hair brown?

Like it would make a difference.

I just know i'’m going to
flunk next week'’s history test.

I'’m afraid the science
club wants to kick me out

and i'’m pretty sure

i'’m the most
unpopular girl in school.

Really?

Great, it'’s working.

Well, then I have
to cheer you up

because life is great
and you'’re great.

Geez, am I really
that obnoxious?

Come to dinner at
my house tonight.

My aunts would love to see you.

Your aunts?

Oops, I meant parents.

I won'’t take no for an answer.

See you tonight.

I know this can work.

I just have to be
twice as insecure.

It'’s times like this

I hate coming from
a loving environment.

I just know i'’m not
going to get into college.

And I bet anything Harvey'’s
going to break up with me

and the economic
instability in Russia

is really affecting my sleep.

You will get into college.

Harvey won'’t break up with you

and Russia
probably will collapse

but we Don'’t live there.

Oh, Valerie

has taught us so much
with her new upbeat attitude.

It'’s like when I was
looking over these plans

for a new bridge at work...

I realized when I say
"not safe for humans"

i'’m like a broken record.

Everyone hungry?

We'’ve got fried chicken

onion rings, fatback
and cracklin'’.

Mom bought the new
"Elvis" recipe book.

After dinner, can I go
run with scissors again?

This is going to be
harder than I thought.

Salem, i'’ve got bad news.

I just got back from the gallery

and your latest
paintings bombed.

Oh, no.

But the good news is

i'’ve still got a
date with Brock.

We really likes the
way I handle setbacks.

See ya.

Fame, you are a fickle mistress.

Well, I still have my art,
and that'’s what'’s important.

I got into this
because I love painting

not to get rich.

[ Sobbing]

Who am I kidding?

I just made a down
payment on a mail order bride.

Hi, Sabrina.

Hey.

Hey, Sabrina.

You know, i'’m thinking of
changing my name to Sabrina.

I mean, after all, it'’s
what everyone calls me.

"Sabrina birckhead."

No, no, no. "Sabrina sirckhead."

It sounds better with
something that begins with an "s"

wouldn'’t you say?

Is nothing sacred?

Hey, Harvey, what
do you say you and I

hit the slicery this
afternoon... alone.

I know i'’ll be hungry.

Oh, that does it.

Now it'’s time to play hardball.

She'’s not stealing
my life or my boyfriend.

Let'’s see if she still
wants to be like me.

[ Growls]

Sabrina, has something
been bothering you?

Anything with just
three chords ain'’t music.

Believe me, Sabrina

I recognize a cry for
help when I see one.

Perhaps you'’d be
more comfortable

speaking with
someone your own age

who'’s a little more mature.

I know... Valerie.

[ Sobbing]

Salem, you know, Vincent
van Gogh was a great artist

and he never sold a single
painting during his lifetime.

Really?

What a loser.

[ Doorbell ringing]

Wonder who that is.

Ooh, maybe it'’s Brock.

Who is it?

Man: Delivery for spellman.

"Rest in peace"?

"Deepest sympathy"?

"Say hi to god for me"?

Just be glad you didn'’t
get our biggest seller...

"good riddance."

Did you know you'’re
in the newspaper?

Really? Where?

The obituary page.

Have you died and not told me?

Either the afterlife

is a disappointment of
enormous proportions

or somebody owes
me an explanation.

Salem?

Look, everyone knows
a painter'’s paintings

get more valuable after he dies.

I'’m just speeding
up the process.

I'’m referred to

as your "longtime companion."

But everyone is going
to think that i'’m dead.

What'’s the big deal?

You Don'’t leave the
house that much anyway.

So this is how it ends.

Me with a ring in my nose
and no way out of this mess.

At least the spell
can'’t get any worse.

Sabrina, you'’re not
going to believe this.

I have magical powers.

Watch.

The phrase "spiraling out
of control" comes to mind.

Oh, Don'’t worry.

I promise to use
them responsibly.

I'’d never do anything
frivolous with them.

What are you looking at, freaks?

Well, most of the time.

Uh-oh, Valerie, looks like

you Don'’t quite have a handle

on that magic of yours.

We better go somewhere safe

and figure out what to do.

You'’re not going to
turn me over to scientists

or sell me to the
government, are you?

Oh, of course not.

Not right off the bat, anyway.

I came over as soon

as I heard the news, Zelda.

Tell me, how did it happen?

Um...

Would you excuse
me for a moment?

Who do we invite to the wake?

Hilda, Brock'’s here.

Oh, that'’s right.
We'’ve got a date.

Not so fast.

He thinks you'’re dead.

When he sees me,
he'’ll know i'’m not.

You can'’t go in there.

He'’s not as dumb as he looks.

He'’ll know you faked your death

because your
paintings weren'’t selling.

Then i'’ll tell him they
weren'’t my paintings.

And he'’ll know
you'’ve been untruthful.

And the beautiful
relationship you two had

will be tainted by lies

and more lies.

Just my luck.

I meet the guy of
my dreams, but I die.

I'’ll let him down gently.

I know it'’s got to hurt, hilda

but you did kind of
bring it on yourself.

Wait a minute.

What am I talking to a cat for?

I Don'’t have to tell
Brock about the paintings.

I'’ll tell him the newspaper
made a mistake.

Hilda spelminsky died.

[ Chuckling]

Oh, there, there.

It'’s okay to cry.

Just use this tissue
instead of my blouse.

Oh, sorry.

Hi, Brock.

The newspaper made a mistake.

[ Screams]

[ Screams]

Brock!

[ Screams]

Okay...

That'’s not the way
he usually greets me.

Sorry, but Brock said
he needed closure

so I zapped in some
photos of you in a coffin.

I'’m so pale.

You'’re dead.

Okay, stay here and
lay off the magic tricks.

I'’ll go figure out what to do.

I'’ve been thinking about it.

It'’s going to be
so weird, Sabrina.

I'’m going to have to
hide my magical powers

and make up excuses
for the rest of my life.

You have no idea what kind
of stress i'’m going to be under.

Right. I have no idea.

Have you guys got a minute?

Oh, look, hilda.

Sabrina'’s going
through that charming

"to assert my independence

i'’m making myself as
ugly as possible" phase.

I'’ll explain later.

I may have gotten
into a small problem

with charitable magic.

You did?

Didn'’t you read the advisory

by the witches'’
council in my magazine?

It couldn'’t have
been more explicit.

I blame the school system.

My retention'’s not
what it should be.

So now Valerie'’s a witch.

Not a particularly
good one, but still...

All right, Sabrina.

Here'’s what you have
to do to reverse the spell.

First, change your clothes.

There'’s no reason
to make the situation

sadder than it is.

Then you'’ve got
to take Valerie home

and somehow convince
Mr. and Mrs. Birckhead

to say, in these precise words

"we'’re happy Valerie changed."

Got it?

Why do I want them to say that?

I want them to be not happy
that Valerie has changed.

We know it'’s ironic.

We know it'’s illogical

but believe it or not

we know more about
these things than you do.

Okay, okay.

It shouldn'’t be very hard.

Mr. and Mrs. Birckhead are
thrilled with the new Valerie.

What happened?

You guys were so upbeat before.

Remember that bridge
I was telling you about?

It'’s still standing...

20 feet below sea level.

I just got fired
for recommending

a heart patient
loosen up and try lard.

Well, what about Warren?

I mean, you seem happy.

[ Croaking]: I found
out the hard way

electrical sockets are not toys.

If you ask me,
our troubles started

about the time Valerie changed.

Oh, but you'’re glad
she changed, right?

Not at all.

We miss the old Valerie.

You didn'’t realize how much
you missed her until she changed

so you'’re really
glad she changed.

No.

I see.

Okay, well, I know
what will liven things up.

Let'’s play charades.

Now? Now?

I'’ll go first.

It'’s not the name of a
book or a movie or anything.

It'’s just a particular
phrase, okay?

Uh, small?

Tiny?

Wee?

Yes. Okay, "we."

Next word...

Mrs. Birckhead:
Oh, i'’ve got it.

Happy.

Okay, "we'’re happy..."

Valerie?

Okay, "we'’re happy Valerie..."

We'’re almost done.

Mom, dad, I can'’t keep
it a secret any longer.

I'’ve got magical powers.

Watch.

Valerie, you changed
Warren into a dingo.

"Changed." you said "changed."

You said, "we'’re
happy Valerie changed."

Did... I just see
what I thought I saw?

Of course not.

It'’s that crackpot
diet of yours.

You eat enough
pastrami and bear claws

you'’re going to
start seeing things.

What-what happened?

How did I get here?

You seemed to believe you
had magical powers, dear.

You tried

to change Warren into a dingo.

I did?

I'’m such a loser!

[ Sobbing]

Oh, our baby, she'’s back.

That'’s all?

Yes. You'’ve got to read

and chronologically organize all

of your aunt Zelda'’s
enchanted bymagazines.

And then we'’ll consider
the matter settled.

And to make sure you
actually read and Don'’t skim

there will be a quiz
when you'’re done.

Fine. As a frequent victim

of your punishments

i'’d say you guys
are getting soft.

Whoa!

Did I mention that i'’ve been

a loyal enchanted by subscriber

for over 375 years?

Believe it or not,
this is nothing

compared to the
international malecatalogs

she'’s got stacked
in the basement.

This is child abuse.

Do you know how many
paper cuts I could get?

Salem: You think
you'’ve got it bad?

And i'’m supposed to
be on my honeymoon.