All language subtitles for s b t b s02e08 1080p web h264-ggez (1)_track3_[eng]

- Happy one month
anniversary,

- Right, it's our anniversary.

- I got you
a little something.

- Oh, my God.

The Scotch TL901X
Heavy-Duty Laminator

with the five-millimeter
thermal pouch?

Gil.

- You like it?
- Yes.

Now I can keep
my notes pristine

and show them
to my grandchildren.

Our grandchildren.

No, too much.

Anyway, I got you
the perfect gift too.

I didn't.

- It's okay if you didn't.

- I did.

I didn't.

I just wanted you
to have your moment

before I totally
out-gift you later.

- Daisy, stop what
you're doing.

I need your help.

- I'm kinda in the middle
of something.

- I know.
That's why I said, "Stop."

I need to upload all the hours
for the Spirit Competition,

and I need you
to show me how to do it.

- Actually, I've been
logging the hours.

- [gasps]
- I could help you if you want.

- Jesus, Gil,
where'd you come from?

Me and Daisy are having
this private moment,

and you just, like, butt in

and start rambling
about Spirit hours?

Rude.

- There's been a murder.

- No!

Take me instead, God.

Go on.
Make the swap, you coward.

- "Suck it losers.
See you at Spirit in two weeks.

Cold regards, Valley."

Those bastards.

- What's the big deal?

We stole their mascot
two weeks ago.

- Stealing a mascot
is a fun, whimsical tradition.

Murdering our beloved Trevor

is a declaration of war.

all: Yeah!

- Okay, Spirit Czar, what are
you thinking for revenge?

Ooh, you can do that thing
you did to Toddman one time

where he went to sleep
in his own bed

and then woke up naked
on "The Price is Right."

- I'll think
of something later.

I got a more
time-sensitive project

that I got
to take care of first.

- Come on! Our bitter rivals
just destroyed our mascot,

and you're focused on pranking
one of our own students?

- Listen, you can't focus
on your enemies abroad

until you take care
of the ones at home.

- Gil isn't an enemy.
He's perfectly nice.

Just admit what
this is really about.

Dude, you like Daisy.

- No, dude.
I hate Gil.

Something's off about him,

and I'm a great judge
of character.

Remember when I called it
with Armie Hammer?

If you're that tall,
handsome, and rich

and can't pop as a leading man,

you're definitely a cannibal.

- Just don't do anything
terrible to Gil, okay?

- Jamie, what was the most
important lesson we all learned

from Zach Braff's seminal
episode of "Punk'd?"

- A prank reveals
a person's true nature.

- Let's just say

Gil is about to expose himself
to me at school,

and I'm gonna love
every second of it.

[bell rings]

- * When I wake up
in the morning *

* The alarm gives out
a warning *

* I don't think
I'll ever make it on time *

* By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look *

* I'm at the corner
just in time *

* It's all right,
it's all right *

* Saved by the bell
It's all right *

* It's all right,
it's all right *

* 'Cause I'm saved
by the bell *

[bell rings]

- Guys, emergency.
Gil got me the perfect gift,

and I forgot
it was our anniversary.

- Damn, the first gift
for a relationship

is a make-or-break moment.

My romance with Lil Huddy
was going great,

until I got him a book

about the covered bridges
of New England.

- I knew it.
I'm doomed.

- Gil knows me so well.
Why don't I know him at all?

- Of course you do.

Gil is basically a boy Daisy.

Just get him something from

that dumb fantasy book
that you like so much.

- "The Dungeon Songs of
Wheelengraffe" is not a book.

It's a 16 book saga,
soon-to-be TV show

that I'm worried about,
'cause it's on Freeform

and they don't have the budget.
- Mm.

- But your hurtful insult
did give me a good idea.

Thank you.

- Yo, some greasy creep
just gave me his card.

He said he saw me
in a musical last weekend,

and I should "audition"
for him.

- DeVante,
that's no greasy creep.

That's greasy, well-respected,
recording exec, Phil Dapotone.

He's managed all the hottest

non-Korean boy bands
in recent memory.

Young Men on the Street,
Boyz II Guyz, BLACKHANDSOME.

This type of thing happens
at Bayside all the time.

- It happened
back in my day too.

Sorry to eavesdrop.

I'm just waiting
for my takeout.

- See? Mrs. Morris,
when you were in high school,

didn't a photographer
just randomly walk into Bayside

and make you a model?

- And he took me to Paris
for one month.

It was cool.

I tried cigarettes.

- Hope you're hungry for magic.

It's a takeout order.

The magic's to go.

all: Oh.

- All right, look,
you're talented

and you deserve cool
opportunities like this.

And I deserve 10%
of all your earnings,

because this interaction
makes me your agent now.

- I'm not even sure
if I want to do this.

Do I really need an agent?

- Well, you tell Phil

he needs to take
his head out of his ass

long enough to see
my client's a star!

It's his eight-year-old
daughter.

She'll give him the message.

- I just don't know
how to tell Zack

I hate the nude portrait
he painted of me.

The boobs are photorealistic,

but the face is just
two dots and a line.

Hey, will you pass me a napkin?
- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- Speaking of things

you definitely
need to tell Zack,

did you ever talk to him
about medical school?

- I actually never had to.

It was the craziest thing.

The day that I was gonna
register for the MCATS,

the website was down
for maintenance.

- So did you try again
the next day?

- After a sign like that?

I mean, the universe
was obviously telling me

that I shouldn't go
to med school.

- Oh, come on, Kelly.

Adults don't make decisions
based on magical signs.

- Oh, I do.

I mean, I started my company

because an owl
told me to in a dream.

When I order at a restaurant,

I just close my eyes
and I point.

That's why I'm eating a side of
sour cream for lunch right now.

- I was wondering
about that.

- Fate is real, Jessie.

I mean, how else
would you explain the fact

that you're working
at the same school

as your first love

while you just so happen
to be newly single?

- First of all, I don't even
think about Slater's butt.

I mean--I mean his butt.

I--I mean Slater.

And it is not a sign
that he works here.

Mr. Dewey works here too.
Should I date him?

- You couldn't handle it.

- Okay, let me tell you
a story about fate, right?

In college, I was accepted

to a prestigious semester
at sea program.

But then Zack
asked me to stay home

and marry him instead.

- What?
- I know.

So romantic, right?

But I said, "No."

And then days later,

I'm on the boat and
we're about ready to set sail.

And then I asked the universe
to send me a sign

that I made the right decision.

And just then,
I see Zack's face in the water,

because he's standing
right behind me

wearing a humongous
jean jacket.

So I got off the boat,
and married him right away.

Pretty spooky, huh?

- Kelly, that wasn't fate.

That was your boyfriend

going to a place
he knew you'd be

and continuing
a conversation from earlier.

- No.

No, no, the universe

would never lead me
to a bad decision.

Jessie, if I didn't
get off the boat,

I could have lost Zack forever.

- Or you could've talked to him
on the phone every day

and married him
when you got back?

- Boats have phones?

Oh, God.

Wait, if fate didn't make
the decision, then who did?

My dumb ass?

[bell rings]
- D, baby.

So I finally connected
with Dapotone.

Turns out the audition's
for a boy band

targeted at pre-teens.

I talked them out of changing
your name to Lil Dimples,

but you are gonna
have to get braces.

- Yeah, I'm out.
- Oh, come on.

- Lexi, I don't want to be
a sex symbol for children.

- Sex symbol?

Lil' Dimples is gonna be
the shy one.

- You said I wouldn't have
to change my name.

- I'm an agent. I lie.

- Okay, I don't want
to do this.

I don't even know if I want
to sing professionally.

- DeVante, I know it's scary.

But if your dreams
don't scare you a little bit,

then they aren't big enough.

I read that on a pop-up ad
for a dildo.

This is your shot.
The moment that's gonna change

the course of your entire life.

[chill pop music]

* *

You'll perform for thousands
of adoring fans.

- * Love is like
riding a bike *

* I haven't learned
to do it yet *

- And sure, you'll have to do
the kid stuff first.

But after a couple of years,

you'll go solo
with an album cover that says,

"I have sex now,

but also Jesus."

You'll be rich beyond
your wildest dreams,

and leave behind everyone
you've ever known.

- What about my grandma?

- Uh, obviously you'll buy her

an identical mansion
across the street.

- Hey, baby.
I'm so proud of you.

- But you'll have gotten her
so much plastic surgery

that she'll be unrecognizable.

- I'm dating Ray J now.

He loves the new butt
you got me.

- Okay, a lot of that
was weird.

But I'm not mad at the idea

of buying my grandma
a dope-ass crib.

- Yes, exactly.
I'm so excited, DeVante.

My publicist
has been telling me

I have too many
not-famous friends.

And honestly,
you were on the cut list.

[chuckles]

- So you take
the Spirit time card

and scan it into the computer.

Then you shred
the physical copy

to avoid duplicate submissions.

And finally you upload the file
to the Spirit server

and you're done.

Easy.
- Easy, huh?

So easy a baby could do it?

- Well, no, not that easy.
I mean the first ten times

I explained it, you shredded
the lower part of your shirt.

- Speaking of babies.

- What's happening?
What is this?

- Hi, I'm Gil Vatooley,

and welcome
to my widdle tea pawwty.

[laughter]

- [chuckles nervously]
Th--that's not me.

I don't talk wike that.

Only when I'm weally nervous.

And now, for the main course,

I'm gonna eat poopie
from a diaper.

- Man, that's crazy.

I guess you have no choice
but to drop out of school.

- Mac, I don't know
what I did to you

to deserve this prank,

but I'm really sorry.

- Uh, what?

- Whatever it was,
it must've been pretty hurtful

for you to have spent
all that money on a deepfake.

Not to mention hiring an actor

and filling a diaper
with pudding.

- Right, pudding.

- Well, Mac, you were right.

The prank revealed
who he truly is.

A nice, mature guy
like I told you.

So can you please stop now?

- I will never stop ever.

I want Gil out of Bayside.

But, you know, then I'll stop.

'Cause at that point, I'll have
gotten what want I wanted.

- Mac, honey, dinner's ready.

I set a place
for your dollies.

[laughter]

- * Bayside is the school
that's cool *

* And you know that it's true *

[all weeping]

- Jamie, what's Mac planning
to get back at Valley?

If it helps, my cousin's
their head cheerleader

and she's got a really
deadly shellfish allergy.

- Uh, don't worry.
Mac's on top of it.

- Yes!

- Hey, I need your help.

Mac is obsessed
with destroying Gil.

- Why?
He'd be so boring to destroy.

Like, why crash a Corolla
when you can explode a Lambo?

- Because Mac is
in love with Daisy.

- What? No, he's not.

Mac's in love with me,

and Daisy's in love with me.

- Please, we're the only ones
who can stop him.

What would Mac do if he really
wanted to get rid of someone?

- Well, he might pull
a Cincinnati Hiatus

or a Maltese Pigeon.

Or if he was desperate,
a Poopoo Tea Party.

- [gasps]
He's already done that.

Lexi, what is
the worst prank ever?

Because that's what he's up to.

- Oh, no. It couldn't be.

Run with me
and look hot doing it.

- If fate doesn't exist,

what other stupid decisions
have I made?

I named my son Mac

because there was
a MacGyver marathon on

when I was in labor.

His full name
is MacGyver Marathon Morris.

- Yeesh.

Hey, the past is behind you.

You have an important decision
to make now.

Do you want to go
to medical school?

- I don't know.
- Okay, okay.

You just need to think
about this logically.

Oh, why don't we do
a pros and cons list?

That's what I always do
when I have a big decision.

- Okay.

- Oh, wait.
Don't look at that.

That's something else.

Okay, let's start with pros.

Why do you want to be a doctor?

- Well, I want to help people.
- Okay.

- Cutting into a living body
would make me feel like a god.

And yummy snacks
in the doctor's lounge.

- Great.

Do you have any cons?
- Hmm.

Well, med school's probably
gonna be a lot of work,

and I'd have less time
to spend with the boys.

- But Mac will be
in college soon.

Well, he'll be done
with high school, probably.

- Jessie, you're right.

I'm old enough
to have a kid in college.

By the time I finish school,
I'll be 52.

You add a residency

and I won't start
practicing until I'm 60.

- Okay, let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

- I mean, if we think
about this logically,

this is a terrible idea.

- Okay, let's just
finish our lunch

and talk about this.

Maybe logic is overrated.

There's still magic
in the world.

Here, have a french fry.

- There's a dead dove
in here.

- Oh.

- Hey, Mr. Anniversary.

Ugh, no.

Remember how I said I was
gonna totally out-gift you

and it was out of confidence
and not fear?

Well, check your email.

- Okay.

All right.

- Hello, young man.

I hear it's your anniversary,

and I just want to wish you
the best on your special day.

- Wow, that's so cool.

- Wait, do you not know
who that is?

- I'm sorry.

- It's L.M. Millencratz,

author of our favorite
book series,

"The Dungeon Songs
of Wheelengraffe."

- Oh, see, I just never
looked up a picture of her,

'cause it kinda ruins
the fantasy for me

when I think of a normal person
just making it all up.

- Oh, God. My gift ruined
your favorite book series.

Good thing I have
a much better gift coming.

Why do I keep doing this?

- * Falling off my bike
I could scrape my knee *

* But falling for you girl
could really wreck me *

* Oh *

[applause]
- Wow!

DeVante,
you did not disappoint.

You're like a young Black
Mel Tormé.

- Uh, thank you?

- What did I tell you, Franco?

We definitely have
to have him stick around

till 4:00 to meet Chuck.

- Oh, I actually gotta
get back to school.

I slipped out during gym class,

and right now I'm clocking
an 85-minute mile.

- Ooh, you're still in school?

That's not gonna work
while you're on tour.

- Oh, but I'm 17.

I gotta go to school.
- No, you don't.

You know who didn't go
to school?

Me, Justin Bieber,
Barack Obama, Shirley Temple.

- No, I'm pretty sure
Barack Obama went to school.

- Oh, he did?
I didn't know that.

I didn't go to school.

Look, if you're really
into this learning thing,

I'll get you
a book on brain teasers.

But you are not gonna give up
on an opportunity like this.

This is your shot.

- We knew you'd be here.

You're planning the
Pharaoh's Throne, aren't you?

- So what if I am?
- Mac!

That prank has been
outlawed for centuries.

- You can't stop me.

- Oh, yes, we can.

Because this is
a prankstervention.

We're not leaving this room

until you call off the prank

and admit you're
in love with Daisy.

- No!

Also, can you tighten
these handcuffs a little?

- Good news.

I finally nailed
the perfect gift for Gil.

I made a homemade coupon book
and slipped it into his locker.

Bad news, I also accidentally
slipped my bus card in there.

But you know what?
There's a buck 75 on it.

Let him see the city.

- Great. Problem solved.

- You think it's a bad gift.

- No, coupon books are cool.

- Oh, hell yeah, they are.

Coupon books are my go-to gift.

Beats having to pony up
for a real present.

Plus it's great if you don't
really know the person.

Super generic.

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, it's a bad gift.

- I'm a terrible girlfriend.
- No, you're not.

You're just in your head
about your first relationship,

but everything is not
riding on this one gift.

- Yeah, you're right.

This gift isn't gonna
destroy anything.

Because I'm gonna break
into his locker

and get that damn coupon book
before he ever finds it.

- Daisy!

- Oh, so everyone is just
gonna blow off gym today, huh?

All right, what's gonna happen
when you go on a job interview

and they ask you to run a mile?
Then what?

- What is that?

You know I only drink
limited edition

cotton candy flavored Yoo-Hoos.

- It's green juice.

And you're gonna chug
the whole thing

unless you admit your feelings.

- Come on, man.

- Yeah.

- [exhales deeply]

The only thing

that I'm going to admit

is that I just got strong
like Popeye!

Ow, my fingies.

- Maybe that didn't break you,

but let's see how long you last

reading the autobiography
of the boring loser

who invented the dimmer switch.

Page one.
"Fade in...on my life--"

Please, Lexi!

This is so boring,
I'm gonna die.

- Oh?
- Lightning round.

Where were you last Sunday
at 11:45 p.m.?

- At a back alley poker game.

- What's your greatest fear?
- Maroon 5 breaks up.

- What's your favorite animal?
- Animal from "The Muppets."

- What's Daisy's birthday?
- July 12th.

[both gasp]

- You've never learned
a single person's birthday.

C'mon, Mac.
Just be honest with yourself.

- No, I--I don't like Daisy.

What's to like?

That everyone sees me
as a monster except for her?

That she's the only soul

to ever glimpse the light
beneath my darkness?

Should I like
that she encourages me

not to let
external expectations

limit my inherent potential?

And that her smile is pretty?

Just the right amount of teeth.

Am I supposed to like all that?

both: Mmm.

Oh, my God.

I like Daisy.

Okay, the prank's off.

- [exhales]
I'm proud of you, man.

- And just a reminder,

our friendship contract states

I only have to keep quiet
about romance-related secrets

for six business days.

- Hey, Kelly.
Long time no see.

- Weren't you
at our house yesterday

having a cannonball contest
with Zack?

- Yeah, my splashes
are normally much bigger.

There's something wrong
with your pool.

Everything okay?

- Yeah, I just kinda had
a bummer lunch with Jessie.

- Was she going on and on again
about climate change?

Ugh.

Like, who cares?

Santa can just ride
a surfboard.

It does--[chokes]

- Are you okay?

- No, choking!
I need--I need a doctor.

- [gasps] Oh, my God.
It's a sign.

Okay, your airway is blocked.

I'm gonna have to perform
a tracheotomy.

- [coughs] Wait!
What about the Heimlich?

- No, there's no time for that.

Back up, kids!

Coach Slater is about
to lose a lot of blood.

- Jessie made me do it.
I'm not really choking.

- Yeah, no kidding.

- C--can I still come
over tonight?

I promise I'll wear
a swimsuit this time.

- Kelly, what happened?

You look like you just had
a life-changing

encounter with fate.
- You wish.

Slater is a terrible actor.

Don't you remember
when he played FDR

in the school play,
and he kept getting out

of the wheelchair
to do break dancing moves?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I just don't want you
to give up

on going to med school.
- Why? It's a bad idea.

- It's not a bad idea
if you want it.

And I think you really want it,
don't you?

- I--I don't know.

I have a hard time
saying what I want.

You know, I think
being one of seven children,

you're used to taking
the back seat.

Or at least in my case,
the third row,

stretched across
your brothers like a seatbelt.

I think that's why
I like the idea of fate.

You know, someone else
making the decision for me

so I don't have to.

- Fine, I'll make
the decision for you.

You are not going
to med school.

- But I want to.

[gasps]

- Looks like my work here
is done.

- I'm going to take the MCAT.

This is really exciting.
- See?

And you didn't need
some fate wizard

pulling the strings.
You did it on your own.

- Yeah.

And sure,
there was something comforting

in the thought that
a greater plan exists.

But hey, it's fine, right?

I guess when "Do You Believe
in Magic" comes on the radio,

now I'll just say, "No,"
and change the station.

- Dr. Spano, I need the
combination to Gil's locker.

Well, you know
I can't do that, Daisy.

- Please.
If I can't get in there,

it could ruin my relationship.

Don't you believe in magic
in a young girl's heart?

- What's his locker number?
- 141. Why?

- [gasps]
- Oh, my God. That's--

- My old locker.

The combination is 36, 3, 14.

Run like the wind, Stacey.

- It's Daisy.
And thank you!

- Okay, that was
a crazy coincidence,

but I wouldn't go so far
as to say that magic is--

Oh!

- 36, 3, 14.

- Wait, you're smiling.
How'd it go?

- I killed it.

Yeah, they wanted me
to stay after

and meet some guy named Chuck.
- Chuck Rigatoni?

He's the one who figured out
the value

in having one ugly member
in every boy band.

- You haven't even heard
the best part.

I turned them down.

- What? Why?

Was one of the execs
inappropriate with you?

Show me on this dummy
where they touched you.

- No!

They want me
to drop out of school.

I'm not leaving Bayside.

- But what about your future?
- You don't get it.

People have always told me

the only way I'm making it
out the hood

is by picking up
a ball or a microphone.

- Yeah, like Larry Bird
or Eminem.

- Missing a very
crucial component

to what I'm saying,
but yeah, sure.

Look, being at Bayside,
I realized that there's

a bunch of stuff
that I'm good at.

I mean, you tasted
the bomb-ass gazpacho

I made in Home Ec.

I don't need to win
some golden ticket.

If being a Bayside kid means
that I don't have more options

than I did
when I was at Douglas,

then why am I even here?

- You're right.

I shouldn't have told you
this was your one shot.

You're so much more
than just your voice.

You can do anything.
- Thanks.

- Just don't have
a reality show

or be the celebrity ambassador
for Sluts Who Code.

Those are my things.
- Noted.

- Hey, man.

I'm really sorry.

I guess I'm going through
some personal stuff

and I apologize
for putting that on you.

I'm really gonna do the work
to be a better person.

- Thanks, man.

Means a lot.

[bell rings]

- I can't believe
we got through to Mac.

- Yeah, he really made
a breakthrough.

- And not like
his normal breakthroughs

where he dresses up as the
Kool-Aid man

for football games.

[explosion,
elephant trumpeting]

[jackhammer drilling]

[animals snarling,
elephant trumpeting]

[tiger roaring,
monkey screeching]

[glass shattering]

- You sick son of a bitch.

You lied.
- No kidding, idiot.

I don't know
when Daisy's birthday is.

I use my brain space
for valuable stuff

like knowing every Pokémon
and when they evolve.

Bulbasaur, level 16
turns into Ivysaur.

Ivysaur, level 36 turns into--

- [panting]

- Oh.

- That was so horrible.

How do I move on
knowing what I know?

Having seen what I've seen?

How do I laugh?

How do I look at my mother?

I no longer fear hell

for I have already
spent an eternity there.

- See?

This is why you don't do
the Pharaoh's Throne.

- Mac, how could you?

You're a monster.

- No.

I am the monster.

- Uh, what?

- Mac, I'm sorry I pushed you
to the point

where you felt
this was necessary.

You must be in unbearable pain.

How can I make this right?

Let me hug you, brother.

- Uh...

- Mac, what is wrong with you?

- Yeah, why would you
do that to Gil?

- I'm done spilling
tears today.

I'm ready for blood, buddy.

- That was so mean.

Wait.

Are you not hot anymore?

all: Boo!

- When Daisy finds out
what you did,

she's never gonna forgive you.

- Oh, my God.
What have I done?

- What the hell?

- Daisy, I am so sorry.

- Gil, why is this...

[all gasp]
- In your locker?

Did you murder Trevor?

And if "The Dungeon Songs
of Wheelengraffe"

is your favorite book,

then why didn't you know what
L.M. Millencratz looks like?

And why is it so hard for me

to think of a single thing
I know about you?

Who are you, Gil Vatooley?

Oh, no.

Gil Vatooley.

It's the first thing
you taught me.

- When you meet someone new,

always rearrange
the letters of their name

to make sure it doesn't reveal
their true identity.

- "I go to Valley."

[all gasp]

You're a mole from Valley?

[sinister hip-hop music]

- * Keep your friends close
but your enemies closer *

* I burn your ego
like an Eggo in the toaster *

* And bag your bragging like
it's produce at the grocer *

* You really want to do this?
I would not be so sure *

* Damn, I just took
the Benz on the block *

* Ice so fresh,
mother here's one a top *

* Count the gears, count
the lid, count the watch *

* Watch the light,
chop on the block *

* *

* Tell them one, five,
try to stay alive *

* Ice on the rock,
wife on the side *

* Seven, one, five,
try to stay alive *

* Ice on the rock,
wife on the side *

* *

[orchestra flourish]