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Two and a Half Men S03E23 - Arguments for the Quickie - Web-DL [KoTuWa]
1
00:00:02,210 --> 00:00:03,628
- Morning.
- Morning.
2
00:00:04,128 --> 00:00:05,880
Yeah, what's up?
3
00:00:09,508 --> 00:00:11,135
Oh, stop it.
4
00:00:11,552 --> 00:00:14,555
- Hey. Give me back my skully.
- This is not a skully.
5
00:00:14,722 --> 00:00:17,350
It's a ski cap your grandmother
gave you for Christmas.
6
00:00:17,558 --> 00:00:20,770
- Charlie, he's just trying to find his look.
- Word.
7
00:00:21,395 --> 00:00:23,105
Word?
8
00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:26,567
There's a reindeer on it.
9
00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:30,238
Don't listen to him, Jake.
I think it looks very dope on you.
10
00:00:31,447 --> 00:00:32,949
Oh, man.
11
00:00:34,992 --> 00:00:38,704
Oh, hey, did you see that your former
girlfriend's dance troupe is in town?
12
00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:42,458
Mia's here? Let me see that.
Come on, come on, come on.
13
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,627
Whoa, is somebody
still carrying a torch?
14
00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:46,629
Torch? Don't be ridiculous.
15
00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:50,466
I mean, I'm glad to see she's following
her dream but I've moved on.
16
00:00:51,133 --> 00:00:53,594
- I think she called the other day.
- What? When?
17
00:00:54,845 --> 00:00:56,806
What did she want?
What did she say?
18
00:00:57,014 --> 00:00:59,058
Come on, kid, spill it.
19
00:00:59,266 --> 00:01:01,686
Nope, no unresolved feelings there.
20
00:01:02,144 --> 00:01:04,397
She wanted to talk to you
but you weren't home.
21
00:01:04,563 --> 00:01:08,776
I know that, you chowderhead.
What else did she say?
22
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,862
She said, "What's new?"
I said, "Nothing much."
23
00:01:12,029 --> 00:01:14,573
And then she said, "How's school?"
I said, "it sucks."
24
00:01:14,740 --> 00:01:18,160
Then she said, "That's too bad."
I said, "Yeah."
25
00:01:18,869 --> 00:01:22,415
I'm gonna kill him, Alan.
I swear to God I'm gonna kill him.
26
00:01:22,790 --> 00:01:26,002
Oh, yeah, she wants us
to come see her dance next weekend.
27
00:01:26,293 --> 00:01:28,379
It says she's performing this weekend.
28
00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:31,132
Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
29
00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,676
- You're telling me this now?
- Charlie. Calm down.
30
00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,970
How many things
does the kid have to handle?
31
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:38,097
Eat, poop, tell me who called.
32
00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:42,643
She said some guy named Will
has tickets.
33
00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:48,524
- Who's Will?
- I don't know. She said he'd call.
34
00:01:49,316 --> 00:01:50,860
Will's gonna call?
35
00:01:51,026 --> 00:01:54,905
- You mean the tickets are at will call?
- I don't know. Maybe.
36
00:01:55,114 --> 00:01:58,367
Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats.
37
00:01:59,952 --> 00:02:03,622
Do me a favor. From now on,
when somebody calls, write it down.
38
00:02:03,789 --> 00:02:05,416
- I did.
- Where?
39
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:08,085
- On my homework.
- Okay, where's your homework?
40
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:12,715
Oh yeah, my teacher called.
She wants to meet with you.
41
00:02:13,007 --> 00:02:14,550
When?
42
00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:16,635
Oh, I guess it was last week.
43
00:02:19,138 --> 00:02:21,182
Peace out.
44
00:02:30,566 --> 00:02:32,234
Great. Great. Thank you.
45
00:02:32,401 --> 00:02:36,197
Mia left us four seats for Friday night.
House seats, center orchestra.
46
00:02:37,698 --> 00:02:41,410
What do you think? You, me, Jake, Kandi,
go out to dinner, make an evening of it?
47
00:02:41,577 --> 00:02:42,703
Sounds like fun.
48
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:47,249
Maybe afterwards you could tie me to an
anthill, and smear honey on my genitals.
49
00:02:47,958 --> 00:02:49,043
So you don't wanna go?
50
00:02:49,543 --> 00:02:52,671
Jeez, now I see where
the kid gets his brains.
51
00:02:53,214 --> 00:02:55,799
No, I don't wanna go.
Why would I wanna go?
52
00:02:55,966 --> 00:02:57,843
Because you were in love
with the woman...
53
00:02:58,010 --> 00:03:00,596
...and still have feelings for her
and wanna see her.
54
00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:03,432
Oh, that's crazy.
God, you are so naive.
55
00:03:03,599 --> 00:03:06,894
- How am I naive?
- Oh, oh, I know this one.
56
00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:13,984
Alan, when an ex-girlfriend calls,
no good can come from it.
57
00:03:14,151 --> 00:03:16,695
Unless, you know,
it's 2 a.m., she's blind drunk...
58
00:03:16,862 --> 00:03:20,157
...and wants to get even
with her new cheating boyfriend.
59
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:22,743
She just wanted to invite us
to the ballet.
60
00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:25,788
Yeah, right.
And girls are completely unaware...
61
00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:28,582
...that you can see their nipples
through their shirts.
62
00:03:29,291 --> 00:03:32,253
What does that have to...?
Really, they know?
63
00:03:35,756 --> 00:03:37,758
There's only a few reasons
why an ex calls.
64
00:03:37,925 --> 00:03:40,302
One, they're great,
and wanna rub your nose in it.
65
00:03:40,469 --> 00:03:42,972
Or two, they're doing lousy
and need to borrow money.
66
00:03:43,138 --> 00:03:45,849
Three, they got money
from knocking over a Laundromat...
67
00:03:46,016 --> 00:03:49,186
...and wanna hide it under your trailer
until the heat's off.
68
00:03:51,563 --> 00:03:53,315
It happens.
69
00:03:55,359 --> 00:03:59,488
Okay, okay, how about four?
She misses you, and wants to try again?
70
00:03:59,655 --> 00:04:01,699
What is it she's gonna try?
71
00:04:01,865 --> 00:04:04,076
To change me into something I'm not?
72
00:04:04,243 --> 00:04:07,413
To get me to stop drinking,
smoking, gambling?
73
00:04:07,579 --> 00:04:12,876
To rescue me from the barren,
loveless abyss my life has become?
74
00:04:16,463 --> 00:04:17,881
What?
75
00:04:20,217 --> 00:04:21,260
You know what I think?
76
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:23,846
You were never happier
than when you were with Mia.
77
00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:26,849
You still have feelings for her.
You're afraid to admit it.
78
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:31,103
You are so wrong.
You couldn't be more wrong.
79
00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:33,731
- You believe that guy?
- You want the truth?
80
00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:38,110
- No, probably not.
- Good call.
81
00:04:38,277 --> 00:04:42,197
Oh, by the way,
here's the 20 bucks I owe you.
82
00:04:51,415 --> 00:04:55,377
I am telling you, it is not appropriate
to wear to the ballet.
83
00:04:57,838 --> 00:05:00,049
Why you tripping on me?
84
00:05:00,257 --> 00:05:03,761
Hey, Alan. Matey.
85
00:05:03,969 --> 00:05:07,306
- I'm not a pirate.
- You're not a gangsta either.
86
00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:11,643
You're a dorky, white kid
with a Cub Scout bandana on his head.
87
00:05:12,394 --> 00:05:14,813
Yo, hate the game,
don't hate the player.
88
00:05:17,232 --> 00:05:21,528
You know kids better than me.
How long does this pimp stage last?
89
00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:22,946
Just ignore him.
90
00:05:23,113 --> 00:05:26,116
- You sure you won't come with us?
- Positive.
91
00:05:26,283 --> 00:05:29,203
- Should I at least say hi to Mia for you?
- Say what you want.
92
00:05:29,411 --> 00:05:31,705
- I'm meeting somebody at Pavlov's.
- Who?
93
00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:33,791
How would I know?
I haven't met her yet.
94
00:05:38,712 --> 00:05:40,672
Hi. Do I look okay?
95
00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:46,637
- Perfect.
- Hey, no fair.
96
00:05:49,681 --> 00:05:53,852
You grow a rack like that, you can
wear anything you want on your head.
97
00:05:56,396 --> 00:05:58,524
You have a house on the beach?
98
00:05:59,274 --> 00:06:01,109
I'd love to see it.
99
00:06:01,276 --> 00:06:04,071
- I could take you there.
- Great.
100
00:06:04,988 --> 00:06:07,449
Then I could bring you out
on my deck.
101
00:06:07,616 --> 00:06:09,952
We could watch the surf
in the moonlight.
102
00:06:10,118 --> 00:06:13,413
Then I could take you in my arms,
kiss you. Not a big kiss.
103
00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:16,708
Just a little something that gives you
a taste of what's to come.
104
00:06:16,875 --> 00:06:19,002
Well, let's go.
105
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,339
I'd take your hand
and lead you up to my bedroom...
106
00:06:22,506 --> 00:06:24,258
...where I'd slowly undress you.
107
00:06:24,424 --> 00:06:26,635
Then lay you down on the crisp,
cool sheets...
108
00:06:26,802 --> 00:06:30,264
...and make wild, passionate love
to you until we're both totally spent.
109
00:06:30,639 --> 00:06:32,683
Okay.
110
00:06:34,518 --> 00:06:38,981
Then in the morning, I'll bring you
a cup of coffee and your car keys.
111
00:06:40,190 --> 00:06:42,693
Wait, my car keys?
112
00:06:43,068 --> 00:06:45,904
I'll promise to call you
but I never will.
113
00:06:46,071 --> 00:06:49,408
And when you call me, you'll find
that the phone number I gave you...
114
00:06:49,574 --> 00:06:53,120
...belongs to a dry cleaner
in Korea-town.
115
00:06:54,121 --> 00:06:55,914
What?
116
00:06:56,832 --> 00:06:59,543
When all is said and done,
you know what we'll both have?
117
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:00,836
Nothing.
118
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:03,422
Not even a good memory.
119
00:07:04,131 --> 00:07:08,260
What do you say we do us both a favor
and not go through with this charade?
120
00:07:09,511 --> 00:07:11,638
Okay.
121
00:07:13,056 --> 00:07:16,018
Jeez, I was just trying to get laid.
122
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:26,653
See, Jake, the swan is dying.
123
00:07:29,364 --> 00:07:31,491
Can you believe...?
124
00:07:33,368 --> 00:07:38,915
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Pardon me. Excuse me. Hey.
125
00:07:39,082 --> 00:07:41,668
- What did I miss?
- I thought you weren't coming.
126
00:07:42,419 --> 00:07:45,047
I'm not here for Mia.
I'm here to support the arts.
127
00:07:47,966 --> 00:07:50,969
Yikes, look at the package
on that pretty dude.
128
00:07:58,518 --> 00:08:00,062
Hey, good job.
129
00:08:00,228 --> 00:08:01,521
Eat something.
130
00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:08,153
- Charlie.
- Hey. You were terrific.
131
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,238
Thank you.
132
00:08:10,405 --> 00:08:12,407
- I'm so glad you came.
- Are you kidding me?
133
00:08:12,574 --> 00:08:14,826
I've been looking forward to this
all week.
134
00:08:14,993 --> 00:08:19,372
- Dressed like that?
- Well, how else would you recognize me?
135
00:08:20,749 --> 00:08:24,920
- These are for you.
- Thank you. They're beautiful.
136
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:27,506
No big deal, they had them
at the liquor store.
137
00:08:27,672 --> 00:08:30,717
It was either this
or a stack of lotto scratchers.
138
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,931
- I think you made the wise choice.
- We'll never know, will we?
139
00:08:36,097 --> 00:08:38,683
Alan would've come,
but he had to take the kids home.
140
00:08:38,850 --> 00:08:41,895
- Kids?
- He's kind of adopted a young girl.
141
00:08:42,062 --> 00:08:45,524
- Really?
- Well, not so much adopted as banging.
142
00:08:46,316 --> 00:08:47,442
So you're looking good.
143
00:08:47,859 --> 00:08:52,823
- You too. How have you been?
- Great. Just great. Really great.
144
00:08:52,989 --> 00:08:56,034
- Good.
- No, no. No, great.
145
00:08:56,660 --> 00:08:59,412
- And you, how have you been?
- Wonderful.
146
00:09:00,455 --> 00:09:03,166
All right then, I'm great
and you're wonderful.
147
00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:05,961
So what the hell are we doing here?
148
00:09:06,127 --> 00:09:08,672
There was something
I wanted to talk to you about.
149
00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:13,635
- Hey, Mia. Who's your cute friend?
- This is Charlie. Charlie, Theresa.
150
00:09:13,802 --> 00:09:15,262
Hey.
151
00:09:15,428 --> 00:09:17,430
So, what did you want
to talk to me about?
152
00:09:18,098 --> 00:09:20,267
This really isn't the right place.
153
00:09:20,433 --> 00:09:22,727
Why don't I get changed
and stop by your house?
154
00:09:22,894 --> 00:09:24,229
Sure. I'll be up.
155
00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:26,940
- Because, you know, I'm a night person.
- I remember.
156
00:09:27,148 --> 00:09:29,317
Of course, if you come too late,
I could be drunk.
157
00:09:29,484 --> 00:09:31,820
- I remember.
- There could be other women there.
158
00:09:31,987 --> 00:09:33,697
I remember.
159
00:09:33,863 --> 00:09:36,783
- See you later.
- Whatever.
160
00:09:39,327 --> 00:09:42,163
Hey, can you unhook me?
161
00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:04,185
What's going on?
162
00:10:04,686 --> 00:10:05,812
Nothing.
163
00:10:05,979 --> 00:10:08,189
Mia's coming over, so I thought I'd...
164
00:10:08,356 --> 00:10:09,983
Nothing.
165
00:10:10,358 --> 00:10:12,027
- I see.
- What do you mean you see?
166
00:10:13,778 --> 00:10:16,364
You're right. It's too much.
167
00:10:23,955 --> 00:10:26,041
- How's that?
- Well, I...
168
00:10:26,207 --> 00:10:30,754
Right. She'll smell there were candles
burning, so I have to light at least one.
169
00:10:32,047 --> 00:10:33,840
- What about the music?
- What about it?
170
00:10:34,007 --> 00:10:36,760
You're right.
Sounds like I'm trying too hard.
171
00:10:44,225 --> 00:10:45,685
- Better?
- Well, I...
172
00:10:45,852 --> 00:10:47,479
You're right.
173
00:10:48,021 --> 00:10:49,356
No music.
174
00:10:49,814 --> 00:10:51,358
- Charlie?
- Yeah?
175
00:10:51,566 --> 00:10:53,109
I'm just glad you're over her.
176
00:10:56,154 --> 00:10:58,239
Get the door. Get the door.
Get the door.
177
00:11:04,579 --> 00:11:07,123
- Hi, Alan.
- Hey, Mia, you were great tonight.
178
00:11:07,290 --> 00:11:10,794
- Thanks. Did Jake like it?
- He was absolutely knocked out.
179
00:11:12,754 --> 00:11:15,215
Charlie, Mia's here.
180
00:11:15,381 --> 00:11:17,509
Oh, really?
181
00:11:17,675 --> 00:11:21,137
- Well, ask her in.
- All right.
182
00:11:21,846 --> 00:11:24,349
- Won't you come in?
- Okay.
183
00:11:24,849 --> 00:11:27,393
Hi, Mia, I almost forgot
you were coming.
184
00:11:28,019 --> 00:11:29,687
Get out.
185
00:11:30,688 --> 00:11:32,857
- Nice to see you again.
- Nice to see you too.
186
00:11:33,024 --> 00:11:35,735
Sit down, make yourself at home.
187
00:11:36,861 --> 00:11:38,154
Place looks the same.
188
00:11:38,321 --> 00:11:41,241
Well, you know me,
if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
189
00:11:41,407 --> 00:11:43,868
If it is broke, who gives a rat's ass?
190
00:11:45,328 --> 00:11:47,622
- Can I get you a drink?
- No, I'm good.
191
00:11:47,789 --> 00:11:51,960
- So am I. In fact, I'm great.
- Yeah, you mentioned that.
192
00:11:52,126 --> 00:11:53,211
Repeatedly.
193
00:11:55,129 --> 00:11:59,467
So, what did you wanna talk about?
194
00:11:59,676 --> 00:12:01,594
Oh, boy.
195
00:12:01,928 --> 00:12:03,388
This is a hard thing to ask.
196
00:12:04,848 --> 00:12:06,057
You need some money.
197
00:12:08,434 --> 00:12:10,019
What? No.
198
00:12:10,854 --> 00:12:13,064
So, what? You wanna get back
together again?
199
00:12:13,231 --> 00:12:15,692
Oh, God no.
200
00:12:23,658 --> 00:12:27,954
All right, then, how about
a quickie for old times' sake?
201
00:12:28,121 --> 00:12:30,081
Please.
202
00:12:30,415 --> 00:12:31,958
Charlie...
203
00:12:32,125 --> 00:12:34,252
...I think you're a terrific guy.
204
00:12:34,419 --> 00:12:37,338
You're smart, you're handsome,
you're talented.
205
00:12:37,505 --> 00:12:39,799
All good arguments for the quickie.
206
00:12:40,675 --> 00:12:44,095
- Will you let me finish?
- Didn't I always?
207
00:12:45,930 --> 00:12:47,807
Sorry. Sorry, go on.
208
00:12:48,016 --> 00:12:51,894
I've been thinking a lot lately
about what I want out of life.
209
00:12:52,854 --> 00:12:57,358
I love dancing, but let's face it,
I'm not getting any younger.
210
00:12:57,525 --> 00:13:00,528
So the time has come
for me to make some tough choices.
211
00:13:00,695 --> 00:13:02,405
- I understand completely.
- You do?
212
00:13:02,572 --> 00:13:04,657
No, I'm just trying to be supportive.
213
00:13:05,867 --> 00:13:08,995
Charlie, I came here because...
214
00:13:11,039 --> 00:13:12,373
Well...
215
00:13:15,001 --> 00:13:16,461
I want your sperm.
216
00:13:24,886 --> 00:13:27,138
All right, where do you want it?
217
00:13:34,562 --> 00:13:38,149
- Alan, Alan, wake up. Wake up.
- What?
218
00:13:38,316 --> 00:13:40,443
Mia wants sperm.
219
00:13:41,319 --> 00:13:43,488
Well, don't look at me.
220
00:13:43,905 --> 00:13:46,282
No, no, she wants my sperm.
221
00:13:46,449 --> 00:13:49,369
She wants me to make a deposit
so she can have a baby.
222
00:13:49,535 --> 00:13:53,581
- You're kidding.
- Apparently, that's another of its uses.
223
00:13:56,459 --> 00:13:57,919
What the hell is that?
224
00:13:58,086 --> 00:14:01,506
I'm not sure. Near as I can tell,
she's chasing a rabbit.
225
00:14:03,174 --> 00:14:04,967
So why did Mia come to you?
226
00:14:05,134 --> 00:14:08,429
Well, it turns out
her biological clock is ticking.
227
00:14:08,596 --> 00:14:13,017
Most of the guys she meets are
ballet dancers, so, slim pickings there.
228
00:14:13,684 --> 00:14:16,145
She doesn't wanna wait
for Mr. Right to come along.
229
00:14:16,312 --> 00:14:19,524
- Which pretty much leaves you.
- Yep.
230
00:14:20,191 --> 00:14:23,277
I'm good genetic material,
you know, easy on the eyes.
231
00:14:23,444 --> 00:14:27,490
And she wants to raise the kid alone
which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
232
00:14:28,157 --> 00:14:31,410
Charlie, drinking, gambling
and casual sex is not a lifestyle.
233
00:14:31,577 --> 00:14:34,580
Okay, okay, I didn't come in here
to argue with you.
234
00:14:34,789 --> 00:14:37,125
Look in the hedges,
look in the hedges.
235
00:14:38,042 --> 00:14:39,544
What?
236
00:14:40,002 --> 00:14:41,045
I don't know.
237
00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:45,883
So, what are you gonna do?
You gonna go to a sperm bank?
238
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:49,345
Well, I tried to talk her into
a direct deposit.
239
00:14:50,012 --> 00:14:51,681
You know, straight from the tap.
240
00:14:53,307 --> 00:14:57,270
But she really dug in her heels.
And not in the good way.
241
00:14:57,478 --> 00:15:00,064
- And you're okay with it?
- Well, why not?
242
00:15:00,231 --> 00:15:02,233
I've sent billions of soldiers out there.
243
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,278
It's time for one of them
to finally take the hill.
244
00:15:08,322 --> 00:15:11,868
- Now what?
- I think she caught the rabbit.
245
00:15:13,661 --> 00:15:16,664
Anyway, I'm thinking
this could be my one chance...
246
00:15:16,831 --> 00:15:19,375
...to guarantee
that the Charlie gene lives on.
247
00:15:19,542 --> 00:15:22,378
You know, make sure
the double helix that is uniquely me...
248
00:15:22,545 --> 00:15:24,714
...keeps on trucking into the future.
249
00:15:24,922 --> 00:15:27,174
Okay, let's assume
that's a good thing.
250
00:15:28,801 --> 00:15:30,720
- One more question.
- Yeah?
251
00:15:30,887 --> 00:15:33,848
If you have no doubts,
why'd you wake me up to tell me?
252
00:15:34,015 --> 00:15:36,100
Well, you're my brother...
253
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:39,061
...and I thought you should know
you're gonna be an uncle.
254
00:15:39,228 --> 00:15:42,023
You mean, I'm gonna be an uncle
to a child I'll never see.
255
00:15:42,648 --> 00:15:46,068
Tell you what, when he turns 12,
I'll track him down...
256
00:15:46,235 --> 00:15:50,281
...bring him to live with you and we'll
see if you get your phone messages.
257
00:15:56,913 --> 00:16:00,583
- What do you think?
- Looks like pretty standard boilerplate.
258
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:05,379
It says that once your swim team's
off the bus, you're no longer the coach.
259
00:16:06,505 --> 00:16:09,759
All right. Let's see, where do I sign?
260
00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:13,095
The old John Hancock, if you will.
261
00:16:13,804 --> 00:16:15,514
You sure you want to?
262
00:16:15,681 --> 00:16:18,184
You're giving up the rights
not only to your sperm...
263
00:16:18,351 --> 00:16:22,271
...but to any children
that might result from them. It.
264
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,106
- I understand.
- Do you?
265
00:16:24,273 --> 00:16:28,444
Once you sign, Mia can do whatever
she wants with it. Them.
266
00:16:28,778 --> 00:16:33,824
She can use it, resell it, freeze it,
put it on eBay.
267
00:16:33,991 --> 00:16:37,453
Hey, I don't care if she uses it
to caulk her bathtub.
268
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,499
Once the boys reach escape velocity,
they're on their own.
269
00:16:41,916 --> 00:16:46,253
- I see.
- It's out of my hands, so to speak.
270
00:16:46,420 --> 00:16:48,047
I got it.
271
00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:51,884
Okay. I'll be back in two shakes.
272
00:16:53,636 --> 00:16:56,180
Three, if it's cold in there.
273
00:17:50,609 --> 00:17:51,944
Charlie? You okay?
274
00:18:02,204 --> 00:18:04,832
- Charlie?
- What?
275
00:18:04,999 --> 00:18:07,668
You've been in there a long time.
How's it going?
276
00:18:07,835 --> 00:18:09,461
How do you think it's going?
277
00:18:10,838 --> 00:18:14,800
Well, I don't know if this'll help,
but sometimes when I was married...
278
00:18:14,967 --> 00:18:18,762
...I used to pretend I was having sex
with a completely different woman.
279
00:18:18,929 --> 00:18:22,641
Oh, thanks. The image of you
bumping uglies with your ex-wife...
280
00:18:22,808 --> 00:18:24,852
...should really move things along.
281
00:18:25,227 --> 00:18:27,188
Excuse me, I was just trying to help.
282
00:18:27,354 --> 00:18:30,524
Yeah, well, I was just trying
to have sex with a cup.
283
00:18:30,691 --> 00:18:35,863
Don't think of it as a cup.
Think of it as a polyurethane lapdancer.
284
00:18:36,071 --> 00:18:38,824
- Get out.
- I'm going.
285
00:18:44,496 --> 00:18:47,583
- Hello?
- Charlie, I was just getting packed.
286
00:18:47,750 --> 00:18:50,169
Oh, right, you're heading
to San Francisco.
287
00:18:50,794 --> 00:18:53,047
That's gotta be a big ballet town.
288
00:18:54,006 --> 00:18:55,633
Yeah.
289
00:18:56,216 --> 00:18:57,760
So did you go to the sperm bank?
290
00:18:58,844 --> 00:19:00,429
And?
291
00:19:00,596 --> 00:19:02,640
Not a lot of laughs in that place.
292
00:19:02,806 --> 00:19:05,517
I asked the receptionist
if she takes work home with her.
293
00:19:05,684 --> 00:19:07,728
Nothing. Not even a smile.
294
00:19:08,187 --> 00:19:11,106
Thanks for doing this.
You have no idea what it means to me.
295
00:19:12,441 --> 00:19:15,861
Yeah, well, funny thing, turns out
it means something to me too.
296
00:19:16,070 --> 00:19:19,782
- What are you talking about?
- I tried, Mia, I really did.
297
00:19:19,949 --> 00:19:21,617
I tried the magazines, the movies.
298
00:19:21,784 --> 00:19:24,078
You can't imagine
how bad porn acting is...
299
00:19:24,244 --> 00:19:27,498
...until you actually watch more
than three, four minutes at a time.
300
00:19:27,956 --> 00:19:30,751
So you're saying you couldn't? You?
301
00:19:32,127 --> 00:19:34,213
Yeah, I know. What are the odds?
302
00:19:34,672 --> 00:19:38,759
Well, I guess these things happen.
You'll try again. I'm sure you'll do fine.
303
00:19:39,677 --> 00:19:41,845
I don't think so.
304
00:19:42,012 --> 00:19:43,097
Why not?
305
00:19:43,681 --> 00:19:45,391
I have thoughts about the reason...
306
00:19:45,557 --> 00:19:49,353
...things didn't go down
as planned, or actually, up.
307
00:19:49,895 --> 00:19:51,855
Okay, I'm listening.
308
00:19:53,107 --> 00:19:55,484
As I was sitting
in that little sperm cubicle...
309
00:19:55,651 --> 00:20:00,739
...watching Assmasters 7:
The Final Chapter...
310
00:20:01,407 --> 00:20:04,910
...all I could think about was some kid
of mine growing up somewhere...
311
00:20:05,077 --> 00:20:09,832
...and me not having a chance to,
you know, be a part of his life.
312
00:20:10,374 --> 00:20:13,127
- I thought you were okay with that.
- I thought I was too.
313
00:20:13,293 --> 00:20:15,754
But as it turns out, I'm not.
314
00:20:15,921 --> 00:20:18,257
So if this is something
you really wanna do...
315
00:20:18,424 --> 00:20:21,135
...then you're gonna have
to find someone else.
316
00:20:22,845 --> 00:20:24,471
I see.
317
00:20:24,638 --> 00:20:28,976
And by the way, Assmasters 7
is not the final chapter.
318
00:20:30,894 --> 00:20:33,522
They left a lot of loose ends.
319
00:20:34,648 --> 00:20:38,235
All right, well, I gotta go.
320
00:20:38,402 --> 00:20:41,071
- I appreciate the effort.
- Oh, thanks.
321
00:20:41,238 --> 00:20:43,991
I think I have a rotator cuff injury.
322
00:20:44,867 --> 00:20:46,785
Good seeing you again, Charlie.
323
00:20:49,079 --> 00:20:50,581
Good seeing you too.
324
00:20:56,003 --> 00:20:58,922
- Hey, let me float another idea by you.
- What?
325
00:20:59,089 --> 00:21:01,383
It's a little crazy, a little unorthodox.
326
00:21:01,550 --> 00:21:04,094
If you really want a kid,
this could be the solution.
327
00:21:04,261 --> 00:21:08,765
- Charlie, I am not having sex with you.
- Who said anything about having sex?
328
00:21:09,141 --> 00:21:10,851
I'm asking you to marry me.
329
00:21:21,104 --> 00:21:22,522
There's no Charlie here.
330
00:21:22,688 --> 00:21:25,316
Why you stupid girls keep calling?
331
00:21:25,483 --> 00:21:29,779
No, listen, I don't take message.
I do dry cleaning.
332
00:21:30,196 --> 00:21:34,283
One more time,
there's no Charlie here.
333
00:21:57,974 --> 00:22:00,059
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group
334
00:22:00,226 --> 00:22:02,311
[ENGLISH]
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