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- guys with kidsis taped in
2
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Front of a live studio audience.
3
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- smith has the ball.
4
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He's looking to pass it.
5
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Gives it to anthony.
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Anthony may drive.
7
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No, he kicks it off to novak
8
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For the three.
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And it's good.
10
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[cheers]
11
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- bam.
12
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- yeah.
13
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Nick, I got
14
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A serious parenting dilemma.
15
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- talk to me.
16
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- hey, hey, hold on.
17
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Why do you only ever ask nick
18
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To solve
19
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:29,362
Your parenting dilemmas?
20
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He's got two kids.
21
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I've got, like, four.
22
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- "Like, four." yes, why
23
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Wouldn't I seek your counsel?
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- it's hard
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To keep track, man.
26
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I haven't slept
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In six years.
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I'm tired.
29
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This morning,
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I tried to put a shirt
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On my legs
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For five minutes.
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I love you, kids, but you're
34
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Making daddy stupid.
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00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:51,785
- what's your dilemma, chris?
36
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- well, it's time to feed ernie,
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00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:53,620
And at this stage
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In his development,
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He needs to drink whole milk,
40
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:58,558
But the bar only has 2%.
41
00:00:58,591 --> 00:01:00,226
What do I do?
42
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,620
- you know what a dilemma is,
43
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Right, chris?
44
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A dilemma is having to decide
45
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Which of your rugby teammates
46
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You're gonna eat
47
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To stay alive.
48
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- look, I just don't want
49
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To screw up.
50
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Sheila already doesn't trust me.
51
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- stop. Stop. Okay?
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Sheila doesn't get
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To play into this.
54
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You guys are divorced.
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Ernie is your kid too.
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You need to stand up
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To her.
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- yeah.
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Your kid was wearing
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A beret the other day.
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That's not right.
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- I know.
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I try to stand up to her,
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But it's pointless.
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I can't win,
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'cause she just says,
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"He grew inside me,"
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And boom,
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Argument's over,
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ernie can't watch goodfellas
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With me.
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- you talking to me?
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You talking to me,
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Goodfellas?
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- I don't know
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What you're doing.
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That's not a line
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From anything.
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- oh, my god.
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Your baby's adorable.
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- thank you.
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Yeah.
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- what's wrong with him?
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Hey.
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- excuse me, excuse me.
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Hi.
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I'm sorry.
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My friend here's a little rusty.
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And I think
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What he meant to say was,
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"Thank you.
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My name is chris.
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"I am single,
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I'm a lawyer,
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"And although I feel
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"That stationery
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Is an appropriate gift
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"To give to a close friend,
99
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I'm a pretty cool guy, and I'd
100
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Love to buy you a drink."
101
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That is what you meant
102
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To say, right, chris?
103
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- yes.
104
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That is what I meant to say.
105
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And stationery
106
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Is a timeless gift.
107
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Can we buy you a drink?
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- sure.
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Why not?
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Oh, how could I say no
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To that face?
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- okay.
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Smell check.
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- yeah, we're good.
115
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- * life is how you're living *
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* ooh-ooh *
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* wake up
118
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Where you want to be *
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* hey, hey *
120
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* you and me *
121
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* we're happy *
122
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* ooh-ooh *
123
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* we need our friends
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Like the sun *
125
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* why would you walk
126
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When you can run? *
127
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* everybody sing along *
128
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* why would you walk
129
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When you can run? *
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- megan invited me
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To the knicks game.
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- ooh, boom.
133
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- boom.
134
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Nicely done,
135
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Little wingman.
136
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:07,954
Way to hook your dad up.
137
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- yeah.
138
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That was my job
139
00:03:08,540 --> 00:03:09,522
In college.
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00:03:09,556 --> 00:03:11,658
And like you I often had puke
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On my shirt.
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00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,193
Huh?
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00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:14,494
- wait, wait, wait,
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I can't go
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To the game with megan.
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I have ernie till monday
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This week.
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- hey, figure it out.
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You have a chance
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To go to the knicks game
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00:03:20,966 --> 00:03:22,535
With a beautiful woman.
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I'm a stay-at-home dad
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With four kids.
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You know what I do every day?
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I stay at home
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With four kids
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While marny gets to go
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To work,
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And clark,
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He broke our tv.
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Do you have any idea
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How desperate
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My situation is?
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Look at me.
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Look what you've done to me!
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I'm all riled up!
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- just get sheila
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To watch him.
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- no.
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No way.
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If I tell sheila
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I have a date--
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- stop.
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Stop.
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00:03:47,260 --> 00:03:49,228
She does not get to tell you
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What to do anymore.
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- we do.
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00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:53,990
And you're going.
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00:03:53,990 --> 00:03:55,735
- look, chris, this is
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Why you moved into our building.
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00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:56,936
So we could look after you
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And play with your life.
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- [giggles]
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- hi, ernie.
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00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:08,615
- sheila, how did you get
186
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In my apartment?
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00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:10,483
- I had a key made.
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- did you hear that, chris?
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Your ex-wife had a key made
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To your apartment.
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Fun.
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00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:17,223
Normal.
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00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,658
- what are you doing here?
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- well, I'm here
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To make sure
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That your apartment is safe
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For our son.
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00:04:21,494 --> 00:04:22,796
Now I see that you've painted.
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00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:23,963
Is it lead-free?
200
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:25,265
- no, it's lead-only.
201
00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:27,670
I ordered it from the '50s.
202
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,969
- oh, I don't miss that.
203
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:31,504
- and did you see
204
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:31,504
The abandoned well
205
00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:33,640
That we dug in the bathroom?
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00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:38,478
- oh, I don't miss you.
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00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,820
- oh, hey, would you mind
208
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,820
Watching ernie
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00:04:42,820 --> 00:04:43,883
For a bit tomorrow?
210
00:04:42,820 --> 00:04:43,883
- why?
211
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,553
- I have a date.
212
00:04:46,586 --> 00:04:47,620
- a date.
213
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,956
- yes.
214
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,956
- then no.
215
00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:52,992
- right.
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00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:52,992
Right, 'cause, god forbid
217
00:04:53,930 --> 00:04:54,728
I actually move on
218
00:04:53,930 --> 00:04:54,728
With my life--
219
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:58,980
- or is it maybe that I have
220
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:58,980
A date myself, chris?
221
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,500
- you have a date?
222
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,500
- yes, I do.
223
00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:02,669
- with, like, a man?
224
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,704
- okay.
225
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,704
Go away, nick.
226
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,406
Good-bye, nick.
227
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,406
- bye, sheila.
228
00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:08,775
This is the scary lady
229
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I was telling you about.
230
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,946
- come on,
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00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,946
You don't really have a date.
232
00:05:13,460 --> 00:05:15,480
You're just jealous
233
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That I have one.
234
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,850
- no, I do, chris.
235
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,953
I have a date with a very tall
236
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,953
And attractive man no less,
237
00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:23,623
A very tall and attractive
238
00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:23,623
Professional athlete man.
239
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:26,693
Kareem abdul-jabbar.
240
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:30,697
- you have a date
241
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:30,697
With kareem abdul-jabbar?
242
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,565
- yes.
243
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,565
- how'd you meet?
244
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:35,568
- j-date.
245
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:37,537
- okay, fine,
246
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:37,537
Fine, don't help.
247
00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:39,673
I'll just get a babysitter.
248
00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:39,673
- no, no, no, no.
249
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:42,108
Chris, no babysitters.
250
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:42,108
We've talked about this.
251
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,177
They just throw your kid
252
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,177
In front of a tv
253
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:46,646
And talk on their phone
254
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:46,646
While drinking your wine
255
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,549
And making bathtub meth
256
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,549
With your cold medicine.
257
00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:54,870
- sheila, look, I'm sure--
258
00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:54,870
- chris, he grew inside me.
259
00:05:54,870 --> 00:05:57,323
- fine.
260
00:05:54,870 --> 00:05:57,323
You win again.
261
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,794
- thank you.
262
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,794
Okay. Hi, ernie.
263
00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,896
Oh.
264
00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,896
I will see you on monday.
265
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:05,565
Okay?
266
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:05,565
Be good.
267
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:07,670
Okay, here you go.
268
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:07,670
- hi, buddy.
269
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,169
- okay.
270
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,604
- ernie,
271
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,540
I am getting you
272
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,540
A babysitter.
273
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:15,742
And mommy is gonna like it
274
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,143
Because she's not gonna know
275
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,143
About it.
276
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,611
[blows a raspberry]
277
00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:27,354
- hello.
278
00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:27,354
[knock at door]
279
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,621
Come in.
280
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:29,622
- hey, guys.
281
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,491
Glad I caught you
282
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,491
At home.
283
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:33,727
- I'm always at home.
284
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,397
- right, so can I get the name
285
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,397
Of your babysitter?
286
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:39,265
- [laughs]
287
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:39,265
- babysitter?
288
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:42,680
- yeah, you know,
289
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:42,680
Someone you pay to come over
290
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,237
And watch your kids
291
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,237
While you have fun.
292
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:45,405
- fun?
293
00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:47,273
- oh, yeah, you remember fun.
294
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:50,310
That thing we used to have
295
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:50,310
Before all this magic
296
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,212
Came into our lives.
297
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,810
- so just the name
298
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,810
Of your babysitter.
299
00:06:55,810 --> 00:06:58,840
- do you really think
300
00:06:55,810 --> 00:06:58,840
We have the disposable income
301
00:06:58,840 --> 00:06:59,652
To pay people
302
00:06:58,840 --> 00:06:59,652
To watch these kids?
303
00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:03,223
There are four of them.
304
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,558
They have bled us dry.
305
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,329
They broke the tv, man.
306
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:12,432
- we have nothing.
307
00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:16,690
[laughter]
308
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:20,407
That means
309
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:20,407
You have nothing too.
310
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,644
- mommy!
311
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,413
- hey, how was
312
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,413
The princess party?
313
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,148
- fun.
314
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:29,582
Daddy, chase me.
315
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,520
- okay.
316
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,520
Here I come.
317
00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:35,422
I'm chasing you.
318
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,758
- oh, remember, we have
319
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,758
That ridiculous fundraiser
320
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,794
At violet's school
321
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,794
Tomorrow night.
322
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:43,363
- oh, no.
323
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:44,798
What's the theme this year?
324
00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:47,367
- "Set sail for a night
325
00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:47,367
Of fun and dancing
326
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,704
Aboard the ship of dreams--
327
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,704
the titanic."
328
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,706
- and what happens
329
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,706
At the end of the night?
330
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:54,374
You hog a piece of driftwood
331
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:56,843
That could easily accommodate
332
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:56,843
The both of us?
333
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,616
- hey, ernie.
334
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,119
I hear you have a hot date
335
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,119
Tomorrow night.
336
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,454
- I do.
337
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,454
- ooh.
338
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,560
I hope she's condescending
339
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,560
Like sheila
340
00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:11,624
'cause I miss feeling badly
341
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,460
About my clothes
342
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,460
And education.
343
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,362
- all right.
344
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,362
- I went to colgate.
345
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:16,696
That is a good school.
346
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:20,332
- she can't hurt us here.
347
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:20,332
Okay?
348
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,802
- megan seems great,
349
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,802
But sheila won't watch ernie,
350
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,604
So I need a babysitter.
351
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:26,239
- sheila's cool with you
352
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:26,239
Getting a sitter?
353
00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:27,374
- no, couldn't be less cool
354
00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:27,374
With it.
355
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,675
Going behind her back.
356
00:08:28,707 --> 00:08:29,743
- oh, have carleen watch him.
357
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:30,877
Babies love her.
358
00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:32,212
She's got big,
359
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:33,313
Squishy grandma boobs.
360
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,481
- yeah.
361
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,481
Kids sink into 'em
362
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,783
Like they're made
363
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,783
Out of nerf.
364
00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:38,751
- perfect.
365
00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:39,786
- so what are you gonna wear
366
00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:39,786
On your date?
367
00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:41,821
- uh...
368
00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:41,821
I was thinking this.
369
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,491
- no. No. Okay, I'm gonna take
370
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,491
You shopping tomorrow,
371
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:48,128
Unless you're gonna take her out
372
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:48,128
To a christian rock concert.
373
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:58,705
- can I help you gentlemen
374
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:58,705
Find anything?
375
00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:00,206
- yeah, hi,
376
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,775
My friend here
377
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,775
Is recently divorced,
378
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,810
And he's got a hot date
379
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,810
In a few hours,
380
00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:06,279
And he needs to look...
381
00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:09,282
Better than this.
382
00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:12,452
- yes, I understand.
383
00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:12,452
I'll pull a few things.
384
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:16,156
- guys, I'm really glad
385
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:16,156
You pushed me.
386
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:17,791
I'm getting a sitter.
387
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:17,791
I'm going on a date.
388
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:21,194
This is big. I feel
389
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:21,194
Like I'm moving on with my life.
390
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,529
- clarky.
391
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,464
Don't you put that
392
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,464
In your underwear.
393
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:26,800
Don't.
394
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:29,235
Well, looks
395
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:29,235
Like I'm buying a tie.
396
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:32,405
- wait.
397
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:32,405
No, what?
398
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,140
Your sitter
399
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,140
Just cancelled on me.
400
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,476
Tipoff's in, like, two hours.
401
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,476
What am I gonna do?
402
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:38,445
- okay. All right.
403
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:38,445
We're not gonna panic, right?
404
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:39,546
We're gonna figure this out.
405
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,214
We are the same two guys
406
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,214
Who figured out
407
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:42,449
How to get back from cancun
408
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:45,151
With no clothes
409
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:45,151
And no passports.
410
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,786
- we called your mom.
411
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,786
- yeah.
412
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:50,757
And if necessary,
413
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:50,757
We will call her again.
414
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:52,325
- forget it.
415
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:52,325
It's a sign.
416
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,827
I'm not supposed
417
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,827
To go on this date.
418
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,228
Sheila didn't want me
419
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,228
Getting a sitter anyway.
420
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,263
- hey, hey,
421
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,263
You are not gonna bail.
422
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,766
I will watch ernie.
423
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,766
You are going on your date.
424
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:01,601
- all right.
425
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:01,601
That's settled.
426
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:04,504
Clarky.
427
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:05,972
That's a shoehorn, buddy.
428
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,376
That doesn't go there.
429
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:20,553
- ernie, are you ready to tap
430
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:20,553
Dance on the edge of insanity?
431
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:21,855
Huh?
432
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,590
- hey, ernie.
433
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,225
Is chris here?
434
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,926
- no, carleen cancelled
435
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,926
On him,
436
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,796
So I am gonna take care--
437
00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:31,531
Wow.
438
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,299
You look...
439
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:36,803
Like you are going somewhere.
440
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:39,739
- nick, we have
441
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:39,739
Violet's school thing.
442
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,908
- I was under the impression
443
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,908
You did not want to go to that.
444
00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:45,311
- I was looking forward to it.
445
00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:45,311
- you said it seemed ridiculous.
446
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,447
- that's not the point.
447
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,447
- what is the point?
448
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:51,217
- do you need me to explain
449
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:51,217
What the point is?
450
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:54,621
- maybe just this one time.
451
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,223
Okay,
452
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,391
I know
453
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,391
How to make this better.
454
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,794
I do.
455
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,495
Do you want to watch
456
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,495
Our wedding video?
457
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:06,466
'cause I'm almost done
458
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:06,466
Editing that.
459
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,834
- oh, my god.
460
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:10,637
- emily!
461
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:11,838
[door shuts]
462
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:13,573
Don't judge me.
463
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,408
How many relationships
464
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,408
Have you made work?
465
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:17,544
Huh?
466
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:17,544
Yeah?
467
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:19,790
- nick just doesn't get it.
468
00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:22,415
He goes off to work,
469
00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:22,415
And I am with the kids all day.
470
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,651
- believe me,
471
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,921
I know, and then, when you
472
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,921
Do finally wind them down,
473
00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:30,623
They come back in and wind them
474
00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:30,623
Right back up
475
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:32,792
And then have to take
476
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:32,792
An "Emergency" call from work.
477
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,661
- just when it's bath time.
478
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,396
- just when it's
479
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,396
Bath time.
480
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:40,433
- oh, yes,
481
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:40,433
I'm horrible.
482
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,901
I always tell you,
483
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,436
Staying home with the kids
484
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,372
Is the hardest job
485
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,372
In the world.
486
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:46,439
- and I love it.
487
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:47,607
But tonight I wanted
488
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,442
to board the lame titanic
489
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:52,612
And wear
490
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:52,612
These awesome elbow gloves
491
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:56,349
And eat something other
492
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:56,349
Than dinosaur chicken nuggets.
493
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,352
- ooh, but how good
494
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,352
Are those?
495
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:04,524
- he just doesn't understand
496
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:04,524
What my life is like.
497
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,892
- I get it.
498
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:07,627
You know, I see it with gary.
499
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:10,497
How this man does it,
500
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:10,497
I don't know.
501
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:12,298
He is a saint.
502
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:13,867
- mm-hmm.
503
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,970
- and once in a while
504
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,970
He needs a break.
505
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:21,574
- that's right.
506
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:21,574
- and so do you.
507
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:25,780
You're dressed up to go out,
508
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:25,780
So I'm taking you out.
509
00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:26,513
- what?
510
00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:26,513
- get up. Let's go.
511
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:29,683
- marny, you're a life saver.
512
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:33,860
Bye, gary.
513
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:33,860
- what?
514
00:12:33,860 --> 00:12:35,880
Yoda, pick up the chips, man.
515
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,525
Boy, if I had on the--
516
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,525
[laughter]
517
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:46,399
- okay, kids, my wife may not
518
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:46,399
Be taking my phone calls,
519
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,601
But I refuse to let that ruin
520
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,601
Your good time.
521
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:53,673
And so, freddie,
522
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:53,673
Welcome to the octagon!
523
00:12:53,707 --> 00:12:57,110
Yes, you will--
524
00:12:53,707 --> 00:12:57,110
[baby crying]
525
00:12:57,143 --> 00:13:00,413
We don't like the octagon!
526
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:01,648
Okay.
527
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,683
- because of you,
528
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,683
I just got stuck
529
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:07,530
In my apartment on a sunday
530
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:07,530
With all four kids.
531
00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:08,521
- how's that my fault?
532
00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:08,521
- because my wife
533
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,558
And your wife--
534
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,558
Does that tv work?
535
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:12,959
[gasps]
536
00:13:13,590 --> 00:13:15,762
Oh, my god, we--
537
00:13:13,590 --> 00:13:15,762
We're saved.
538
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,698
Clark, yoda,
539
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,698
Come for a prayer.
540
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,537
- I keep it
541
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,537
At my parents' house.
542
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,730
- wow. I've never gone
543
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,730
On a date with a girl
544
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:29,409
Who's caught a marlin.
545
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,811
- clearly that
546
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,811
Is what your mistake has been.
547
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:34,800
[cell phone rings]
548
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,783
- uh, it's my ex-wife.
549
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,586
- you're not gonna pick that up,
550
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,586
Right?
551
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:42,389
- go ahead.
552
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:42,389
I don't mind.
553
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:43,923
- hi, sheila.
554
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:43,923
What's up?
555
00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,558
- chris. You weren't answering
556
00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,558
Your phone.
557
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,930
I'm a little worried
558
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,930
About ernie.
559
00:13:47,930 --> 00:13:48,962
- oh, he's fine.
560
00:13:47,930 --> 00:13:48,962
- let's go, knicks!
561
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,697
- who is that?
562
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,832
Are you at the knicks game?
563
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,535
I said no babysitters.
564
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,737
Who is watching ernie?
565
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,737
- me. I am.
566
00:13:57,771 --> 00:14:00,400
- so, if I go over
567
00:13:57,771 --> 00:14:00,400
To your apartment right now,
568
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,207
You'll be there?
569
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,207
- what's she saying?
570
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,543
- yeah.
571
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,543
Yeah, at home.
572
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:04,744
Where else would I be?
573
00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:05,845
- all right.
574
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,814
We'll see.
575
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,616
- everything okay?
576
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:12,485
- yeah, I just need
577
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:12,485
To make a quick call.
578
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:16,656
- * I came to dance,
579
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:16,656
Dance, dance, dance *
580
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:20,760
- granted, the school function
581
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:20,760
Sounded like a stupid event,
582
00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:22,462
But that's not the point.
583
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:23,530
- see, that's exactly
584
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:23,530
What she said.
585
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,650
What is the point?
586
00:14:25,650 --> 00:14:27,534
- the point,
587
00:14:25,650 --> 00:14:27,534
My tall, idiotic friend,
588
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,602
Is that she doesn't care
589
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,602
About the event.
590
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,710
She wants a night out.
591
00:14:31,710 --> 00:14:32,872
Dinner, dancing,
592
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,874
Her man dressed in a suit.
593
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:37,143
- adult stuff.
594
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,812
You're right.
595
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,812
I'm an idiot.
596
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:41,181
- yeah, that's what
597
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:41,181
I've been saying.
598
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:44,851
- * we gonna rock this club,
599
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:44,851
We gonna go all night *
600
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,753
- nick, where are you?
601
00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:48,154
Sheila is on her way over.
602
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:51,910
She has a key.
603
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:51,910
Bolt the door.
604
00:14:51,910 --> 00:14:52,859
Why isn't he answering?
605
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,561
What if something happened
606
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,561
To ernie?
607
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,563
- I'm sure everything's fine.
608
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,665
- maybe.
609
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,665
You hear stories.
610
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:01,634
- megan, I'm so sorry.
611
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:03,570
I got to go.
612
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,905
- halvsies on some nachos?
613
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,775
- who are you?
614
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,619
- wow.
615
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,619
You're right.
616
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,821
This is so much easier
617
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,821
Than a bathtub.
618
00:15:21,855 --> 00:15:23,556
- yeah, the idea came to me
619
00:15:21,855 --> 00:15:23,556
When I was rinsing off
620
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,893
A rotisserie chicken
621
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,893
I recently dropped on the floor.
622
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,496
- where's ernie?
623
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,496
- what are you doing here?
624
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:32,132
- oh, thank god
625
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:32,132
You're okay.
626
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:33,533
Why didn't you pick up
627
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:33,533
Your phone?
628
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,635
- 'cause I was dancing
629
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,635
With gary.
630
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:38,371
- okay, everything's fine.
631
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:40,373
Sheila's not here.
632
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:40,373
I made it.
633
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:42,475
What'd you guys do
634
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:42,475
To my apartment?
635
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:43,877
We got to clean this place up
636
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,478
And get you guys out of here
637
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,478
Before--
638
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:46,780
- why is my son
639
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:46,780
In a sink?
640
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:51,484
- well, I recently dropped
641
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:51,484
A rotisserie chicken
642
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,186
On the floor...
643
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:55,855
- chris, what is wrong
644
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:55,855
With you?
645
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:58,491
We specifically said
646
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:58,491
No babysitters.
647
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:05,832
- come on, sheila.
648
00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:07,767
We're gonna be late.
649
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,270
- you really had a date
650
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,270
With kareem abdul-jabbar?
651
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,706
- yes, chris.
652
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,706
I do not lie.
653
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,709
- hi, I am just a huge fan
654
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,709
Of yours.
655
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,378
Um, and I actually have to go
656
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,378
Patch things up with my wife,
657
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,213
But I was wondering if,
658
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,213
Before I go,
659
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:22,849
I could get a photograph of you
660
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:22,849
Pretending to dunk my son?
661
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:24,751
- sure.
662
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,786
- that's a cool idea.
663
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,786
Do mine too.
664
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,955
- no.
665
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,955
No one's dunking any babies.
666
00:16:29,550 --> 00:16:31,925
- why?
667
00:16:29,550 --> 00:16:31,925
- because it's a bad idea.
668
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,661
- how is it a bad idea?
669
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,661
It's awesome.
670
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,163
- chris, I said no.
671
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,163
- okay, you can't just say no
672
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:38,431
Without having a good reason.
673
00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,300
- I do have a good reason--
674
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,702
Grew inside me.
675
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:49,409
- I don't care
676
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:49,409
Where he grew.
677
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,543
- ho.
678
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,543
Here we go.
679
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,445
- hold on.
680
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,445
Wait for me.
681
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:53,913
- excuse me?
682
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:55,448
- I ruined my date tonight
683
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:56,883
Because I let you
684
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:56,883
Make me crazy,
685
00:16:56,915 --> 00:16:58,551
And I'm not letting you
686
00:16:56,915 --> 00:16:58,551
Do that anymore.
687
00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:01,321
I am in charge of ernie,
688
00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:01,321
Not you,
689
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,622
So you're just gonna have
690
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:04,424
To start trusting
691
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:04,424
My decisions, okay?
692
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:05,858
I'm ernie's dad,
693
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:05,858
And I know what I'm doing.
694
00:17:05,892 --> 00:17:10,329
Kareem abdul-jabbar,
695
00:17:05,892 --> 00:17:10,329
Dunk my baby.
696
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,366
- no.
697
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,366
Do not dunk that baby.
698
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,367
- dunk the baby.
699
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,367
- dunk the baby.
700
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,936
- dunk it.
701
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,936
Then dunk me.
702
00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:22,308
[all chanting "Dunk"]
703
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:26,378
[shouting]
704
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,481
[cheers]
705
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:35,789
Whoo.
706
00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:36,823
- you got it?
707
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:37,857
- oh, it's perfect.
708
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,526
- yeah.
709
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,494
- okay, hi, sweetheart.
710
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,494
Hi, hi, hi.
711
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:42,662
Are you happy?
712
00:17:42,696 --> 00:17:44,640
Did you prove your point?
713
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,366
- yeah. Yes.
714
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,366
As a matter of fact, I did.
715
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,767
Ernie's totally fine.
716
00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:49,602
Just like he always is
717
00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:49,602
With me.
718
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,439
Look, sheila, raising a kid
719
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,439
Is hard enough
720
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:53,973
And then being divorced
721
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:53,973
On top of that--
722
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,770
We have to start working
723
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,770
Together for ernie's sake.
724
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,649
- you're right.
725
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,649
Okay.
726
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,617
- hi.
727
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,617
Hi.
728
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:05,785
You can pick him up tomorrow.
729
00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:09,220
Go enjoy your date.
730
00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:09,220
- okay.
731
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:10,757
Okay, good-bye,
732
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:10,757
My little prince.
733
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,525
I love you, I love you,
734
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,525
I love you, I love you,
735
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:13,893
I will see you tomorrow,
736
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:13,893
Okay?
737
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,829
And I will think only of you
738
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,829
Until then.
739
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:17,297
- what about me?
740
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:21,901
- yeah, what about you?
741
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:24,504
I cannot believe
742
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:24,504
You dunked my son.
743
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:27,400
- listen, sheila,
744
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:27,400
This is our first date.
745
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,476
You got to chill out
746
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,476
A little bit.
747
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:33,747
- no, you need to chill out,
748
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:33,747
Kareem abdul-jabbar.
749
00:18:38,510 --> 00:18:41,755
- way to go, man.
750
00:18:38,510 --> 00:18:41,755
You slayed the dragon.
751
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:45,658
- you know, it is fun
752
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:45,658
Playing with your life.
753
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:59,372
- nick?
754
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:05,912
What is all this?
755
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:09,549
- this is the deck
756
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:09,549
of the titanic.
757
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:12,552
[my heart will go onplays]
758
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:13,553
* *
759
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:15,321
The year is 1912,
760
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,591
Passengers are huddled together
761
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,591
For warmth,
762
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,927
Death hangs in the air.
763
00:19:21,270 --> 00:19:23,290
- and what's that?
764
00:19:21,270 --> 00:19:23,290
- ooh, haven't you heard?
765
00:19:23,290 --> 00:19:24,931
That is an iceberg.
766
00:19:25,310 --> 00:19:28,668
We've hit it.
767
00:19:28,702 --> 00:19:30,870
Now I know that we're
768
00:19:28,702 --> 00:19:30,870
Slowly taking on water
769
00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:35,375
And hundreds of poor people
770
00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:35,375
Are drowning belowdecks,
771
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:38,440
But I would be honored
772
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:38,440
If I could have this dance.
773
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:42,148
- I married
774
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:42,148
A crazy person.
775
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:44,451
- so do you forgive me?
776
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,386
- if I must.
777
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:51,591
- well, then,
778
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:51,591
This is for you.
779
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:54,794
- oh, it's beautiful.
780
00:19:54,828 --> 00:19:58,640
- it's the largest diamond
781
00:19:54,828 --> 00:19:58,640
In the world.
782
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:02,350
And it's filled
783
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:02,350
With lip gloss.
784
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,400
I love you.
785
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:05,772
- I love you too.
786
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:14,140
- hey, baby.
787
00:20:14,470 --> 00:20:17,830
- oh, boy,
788
00:20:14,470 --> 00:20:17,830
She's back.
789
00:20:17,117 --> 00:20:20,520
- you are a good man.
790
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,822
- oh, baby,
791
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,822
I am a tired man.
792
00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:29,629
Correction:
793
00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:29,629
I'm a wide-awake man
794
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:32,766
With a slightly inebriated wife.
795
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:35,735
[knock at door]
796
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:35,735
- what are you doing in there?
797
00:20:35,769 --> 00:20:37,904
- let us in!
798
00:20:35,769 --> 00:20:37,904
- go away!
799
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:42,800
- this is all we have anymore!
800
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:44,110
- hurry before they
801
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:44,110
Pick the lock.
802
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,382
- hey, sheila.
803
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:51,985
Nah, I'm just sitting here
804
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:51,985
watching goodfellas.
805
00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:53,620
No, of course not.
806
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:57,223
Ernie's been in bed
807
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:57,223
For an hour.
808
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,425
Okay, I'm sure
809
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,425
We'll talk tomorrow.
810
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:02,228
Okay, we used
811
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:02,228
To love each other. Bye.
812
00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,640
I mean, I found it funny.
813
00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,640
Okay, bye.
814
00:21:04,970 --> 00:21:08,680
We used to love each other.
815
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,370
Haven't heard from megan,
816
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,370
So I guess we can assume
817
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:12,105
I blew that,
818
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:12,105
But you know what?
819
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:14,441
Doesn't matter.
820
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:14,441
It's okay.
821
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:16,760
As long as I got you,
822
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:16,760
I'm good.
823
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,713
Sons before buns,
824
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,713
Little man.
825
00:21:19,746 --> 00:21:22,716
We're gonna be okay.
826
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:27,654
Unlike joe pesci
827
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:27,654
In about three, two, one...
828
00:21:27,687 --> 00:21:30,557
[gunshot]
47980
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