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♪{\i1} It seems today{\i0}
{\i1} that all you see{\i0} ♪
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00:00:04,820 --> 00:00:07,740
♪{\i1} Is violence in movies{\i0}
{\i1} and sex on TV{\i0} ♪
3
00:00:07,910 --> 00:00:11,730
♪{\i1} But where are those{\i0}
{\i1} good old-fashioned values{\i0} ♪
4
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:14,730
♪{\i1} On which we used to rely?{\i0} ♪
5
00:00:14,750 --> 00:00:18,090
♪{\i1} Lucky there's a family guy{\i0} ♪
6
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:21,330
♪{\i1} Lucky there's a man who{\i0}
{\i1} positively can do{\i0} ♪
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00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,080
♪{\i1} All the things that make us{\i0} ♪
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00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:24,260
♪{\i1} Laugh and cry{\i0} ♪
9
00:00:24,350 --> 00:00:30,190
♪{\i1} He's... a...{\i0}
{\i1} Fam... ily... Guy!{\i0} ♪
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00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:39,270
It's such a treat to be
at the water park with you guys.
11
00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:40,610
I don't want to
freak anyone out,
12
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,260
but Meg is just openly weeping
at the touch tank.
13
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[crying] It's been so long.
14
00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:48,690
-Okay. All right.
-I need this so much.
15
00:00:48,710 --> 00:00:50,210
-This is a gift.
-Just gonna...
16
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:51,450
-You have no idea.
-...move along here.
17
00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:53,270
You're giving me a gift
right now.
18
00:00:53,290 --> 00:00:54,700
You-you take care now.
19
00:00:54,790 --> 00:00:58,200
Yeesh. Imagine being that
desperate for human connection.
20
00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,610
Anyway, sir, I've been
stung by a jellyfish,
21
00:01:00,710 --> 00:01:01,960
and I need to be peed on.
22
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:03,370
Our jellyfish don't sting.
23
00:01:03,390 --> 00:01:04,870
[chuckles] Yeah, I think,
I think I know
24
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:06,120
when I've been stung.
25
00:01:06,140 --> 00:01:07,380
Now is there an attractive,
26
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,620
well-hydrated manager
I can speak to?
27
00:01:09,790 --> 00:01:11,460
Everyone having fun?
28
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,570
You know, this is
our first family time
29
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,400
since we went to Dollywood.
30
00:01:16,890 --> 00:01:18,650
-Aw.
-What?
31
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,560
It's just not what I thought
the sign would look like.
32
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,820
I mean, it's got two O's
right next to each other,
33
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and, you know, it's just...
34
00:01:25,310 --> 00:01:27,460
missed opportunity.
35
00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:34,050
Where's Stewie?
36
00:01:35,090 --> 00:01:36,980
Hey, Bri, can dolphins sting,
37
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and-and what'll that get me,
pee-wise?
38
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Ah...!
39
00:01:40,490 --> 00:01:41,340
Stewie!
40
00:01:41,490 --> 00:01:43,970
[barking]
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Well, I'm out of ideas.
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Someone, help! My baby!
43
00:01:49,010 --> 00:01:50,270
Peter, jump in and save him!
44
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:53,090
On it! Hang on. Hold my phone.
Hold my ear buds.
45
00:01:53,110 --> 00:01:55,020
Hold my second phone
I hide from your mother.
46
00:01:55,110 --> 00:01:56,440
-[phone chimes]
-Hang on.
47
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:58,810
Respond with an eggplant emoji.
48
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,530
[grunts]
49
00:02:01,930 --> 00:02:04,600
Hey, check out the new addition.
She's hot.
50
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,680
Eh, tank hot.
51
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,330
♪ ♪
52
00:02:12,110 --> 00:02:14,750
[panting]
53
00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:18,950
Meg! You saved Stewie!
54
00:02:18,970 --> 00:02:20,630
Thank God everyone is safe.
55
00:02:20,790 --> 00:02:22,120
And as for you, young lady...
56
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,860
-I guess I'm in trouble, huh?
-No, not at all.
57
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,960
In fact, we have a job opening
over at our waterslide park.
58
00:02:27,980 --> 00:02:29,980
I think you'd make
an excellent lifeguard.
59
00:02:30,130 --> 00:02:31,630
Will you apply for the position?
60
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:32,650
You mean it?
61
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,710
Wow, I feel like
I'm in a fairy tale.
62
00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:38,230
Now that my sister is dead,
I must have her ruby slippers.
63
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,730
Oh, no.
Those shoes now belong...
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00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:43,550
to Meg.
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00:02:43,570 --> 00:02:44,990
♪ ♪
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00:02:45,220 --> 00:02:46,900
Ah! [bleep]
67
00:02:47,070 --> 00:02:49,070
We're not even close
to the same size!
68
00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:51,500
Get 'em off, get 'em off!
69
00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:52,830
[crying out]
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00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:54,820
[announcer]{\i1} In Oz,{\i0}
{\i1} there's no place like home.{\i0}
71
00:02:54,910 --> 00:02:58,380
{\i1} For big women's shoes,{\i0}
{\i1} there's no place like Kohl's.{\i0}
72
00:03:08,090 --> 00:03:09,570
What software is that?
73
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:12,240
"Final Draft: 'Extra Visible
To Nearby Patrons
74
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,580
In the Coffeehouse' Edition"?
75
00:03:13,670 --> 00:03:15,170
Just trying to get
a little work done...
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00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:18,840
on my Hollywood screenplay,
for Hollywood.
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00:03:18,860 --> 00:03:22,090
Home of
big Hollywood celebrities.
78
00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:25,770
Ike Barinholtz,
being an example.
79
00:03:25,870 --> 00:03:27,520
Do not patronize this man!
80
00:03:27,610 --> 00:03:30,690
I found an insensitive post
in his Twitter feed!
81
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,450
What? I-I would never.
82
00:03:32,540 --> 00:03:34,600
He tweeted something
very negative
83
00:03:34,690 --> 00:03:36,040
about{\i1} Abbott Elementary.{\i0}
84
00:03:36,190 --> 00:03:37,950
I-I said it was hilarious.
85
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:39,960
But you didn't use all caps.
86
00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:41,610
You're canceled, mister.
87
00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:43,590
[all booing]
88
00:03:44,630 --> 00:03:46,430
I'll just gather my things.
89
00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:49,570
[West]
{\i1} Per hipster law,{\i0}
90
00:03:49,580 --> 00:03:51,540
{\i1} when a coffeehouse{\i0}
{\i1} becomes available,{\i0}
91
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:55,120
{\i1}it goes to whoever has the best{\i0}
{\i1} coffee pun for the name.{\i0}
92
00:03:55,210 --> 00:03:56,710
Um, Java the Hut.
93
00:03:56,730 --> 00:03:57,820
Perks and Recreation.
94
00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,120
Uh, Lost and Ground.
95
00:03:59,220 --> 00:04:01,130
-Roast Malone.
-Two and a Caf Men.
96
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,310
[West]
{\i1} This can go on{\i0}
{\i1} for quite a while.{\i0}
97
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:07,910
{\i1} Why, this very shop started{\i0}
{\i1} in the '80s as Funky Brewster,{\i0}
98
00:04:08,060 --> 00:04:09,390
{\i1} and then Delta Perk.{\i0}
99
00:04:09,410 --> 00:04:11,890
{\i1} In the mid-'90s,{\i0}
{\i1} it was briefly a tavern{\i0}
100
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:14,640
{\i1} called Dharma & Grog,{\i0}
{\i1} and then...{\i0}
101
00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:15,920
{\i1} -[barking]{\i0}
{\i1} -Uhp.{\i0}
102
00:04:16,070 --> 00:04:17,310
{\i1} I'll send you back now.{\i0}
103
00:04:17,310 --> 00:04:18,660
{\i1} Got to get the dog.{\i0}
104
00:04:18,810 --> 00:04:20,330
{\i1} Daisy! Daisy!{\i0}
105
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,830
{\i1} It's just the barley man.{\i0}
{\i1} You know the barley man.{\i0}
106
00:04:23,980 --> 00:04:25,590
The Unflushed Poo & Tea Leaf.
107
00:04:25,820 --> 00:04:27,240
Bathroom Key Code & Tea Leaf.
108
00:04:27,340 --> 00:04:29,080
The Center
for Homeless Armpit-Washing.
109
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,010
Brian, Brian.
Everyone's gone.
110
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,580
Yup, it's all yours.
111
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,180
You can name it whatever.
112
00:04:35,330 --> 00:04:36,600
Wow, what should we do first?
113
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,850
We should hang
an "Under New Management" banner
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00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,170
to generate interest.
115
00:04:40,330 --> 00:04:43,760
Whoa, someone different
is signing the time cards.
116
00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:45,650
I got to check this place out.
117
00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:51,620
Really glad you're applying
for the lifeguard position, Meg.
118
00:04:51,850 --> 00:04:53,450
I just have a few questions.
119
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:57,020
"If I were to ask you
how many times a day you shower,
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00:04:57,110 --> 00:04:58,940
-what would you say?"
-Uh...
121
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,020
The pool is a shower?
122
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,110
Wow, skipping to page two.
123
00:05:03,130 --> 00:05:05,300
Let's see,
this is all just boilerplate
124
00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:07,860
about making sure
to hassle the urban kids
125
00:05:07,950 --> 00:05:10,450
-like they're gonna somehow
steal the pool.
-Right, right, right.
126
00:05:10,470 --> 00:05:12,860
That was in the application
packet you emailed.
127
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,980
Okay, well,
you're basically hired.
128
00:05:15,130 --> 00:05:16,810
The only lifeguard test left is
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00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,630
for you to run all sultry
in slow motion.
130
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,560
["Yakety Sax" playing]
131
00:05:21,650 --> 00:05:23,530
♪ ♪
132
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,330
-[song ends]
-Okay, we can work on that.
133
00:05:42,230 --> 00:05:44,990
Wow, we're finally going
to open our coffeehouse today.
134
00:05:45,010 --> 00:05:47,400
I've been dreaming of this day
for most of the day,
135
00:05:47,420 --> 00:05:49,010
and now it finally pays off.
136
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:50,750
Yup, only thing left to do is
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00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:52,240
put the right music on
the Sonos.
138
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:53,740
[automated voice]
{\i1} Connecting:{\i0}
139
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,240
{\i1} -Brian's Knockoff iPhone.{\i0}
-Wait, why does it say that?
140
00:05:56,260 --> 00:06:00,080
[automated voice]
{\i1} Playing: Jazz Music{\i0}
{\i1}Brian Never Actually Listens To.{\i0}
141
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:02,510
-[jazz music playing]
-Mmm, love this one.
142
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,860
[automated voice]{\i1} Favorited,{\i0}
{\i1} but not listened to once.{\i0}
143
00:06:05,090 --> 00:06:06,190
{\i1} Not one single time.{\i0}
144
00:06:06,420 --> 00:06:07,750
It's okay, Bri, I got this.
145
00:06:07,770 --> 00:06:09,680
[automated voice]
{\i1} Connecting: Stewie's iPad{\i0}
146
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:11,680
{\i1} That His Mom Has to{\i0}
{\i1} Unlock for Him.{\i0}
147
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:13,590
Whoa, no, not always.
148
00:06:13,610 --> 00:06:16,040
[automated voice]{\i1} Playing:{\i0}
{\i1} Songs That Are Guys' Names.{\i0}
149
00:06:16,190 --> 00:06:17,540
[male singer]
♪{\i1} Robert!{\i0} ♪
150
00:06:17,690 --> 00:06:19,040
Stop, stop,
we're overthinking this.
151
00:06:19,270 --> 00:06:20,770
It's a coffeehouse.
We're legally required
152
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:23,380
-to play Sheryl Crow's
worst songs.
-You're right.
153
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,600
Anyway, what matters is
we're finally ready
154
00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:28,530
to open our new café:
"Oh Joe You D'int."
155
00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:31,280
Uh, did-did we...
did we settle on that name?
156
00:06:31,450 --> 00:06:32,960
[laughs]
Don't ask me.
157
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,540
You're the one
who keeps bringing us back
158
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,950
-to "Oh Joe You D'int."
-Yeah, I don't like that one.
159
00:06:36,970 --> 00:06:38,800
And yet here we are
talking about it.
160
00:06:38,950 --> 00:06:40,210
You're the one
who won't let it go.
161
00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:42,020
Yeah, me,
I'm open to whatever.
162
00:06:43,230 --> 00:06:45,520
All right,
are we serving coffee or what?
163
00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:48,740
[busy chatter]
164
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,130
Welcome, everyone.
165
00:06:50,150 --> 00:06:51,890
Step right up
and get yourself some coffee.
166
00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:53,410
Stewie, hook these people up
with some coffee.
167
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,240
Okay, where did you
put the coffee?
168
00:06:55,390 --> 00:06:57,990
Me? Wha-- I-- you were in charge
of getting the coffee,
169
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,000
I-I was coming up with
"Oh Joe You D'int."
170
00:07:03,570 --> 00:07:04,730
Well, frick.
171
00:07:04,980 --> 00:07:06,920
Okay, okay, make it look
like we can't help anyone
172
00:07:07,070 --> 00:07:09,260
because we're preparing
a giant order for DoorDash.
173
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,170
-How do we do that?
-Just start throwing
174
00:07:11,260 --> 00:07:12,980
a bunch of stuff into bags,
and I'll keep asking
175
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,220
if the next person
through the door is Dave.
176
00:07:16,010 --> 00:07:18,600
Dave? You Dave?
177
00:07:18,750 --> 00:07:20,180
-Dave?
-What about us?
178
00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:23,100
You're actually here,
so you don't matter.
179
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,500
-[lively chatter]
-♪ ♪
180
00:07:27,590 --> 00:07:29,590
[Meg]
{\i1} A job can be more than a job,{\i0}
181
00:07:29,610 --> 00:07:31,500
{\i1} if you love what you do.{\i0}
182
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,010
{\i1} I am a lifeguard{\i0}
{\i1} because I love flashing{\i0}
183
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,990
{\i1}eye-level swimsuit crotch shots{\i0}
{\i1} at families.{\i0}
184
00:07:38,350 --> 00:07:40,180
{\i1} I love checking{\i0}
{\i1} the pH of the pool{\i0}
185
00:07:40,180 --> 00:07:41,600
{\i1}by gargling the water and seeing{\i0}
186
00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:43,530
{\i1} how quickly it gives me{\i0}
{\i1} a yeast infection.{\i0}
187
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:44,620
[thud]
188
00:07:44,850 --> 00:07:48,440
Okay, pH a little high here.
189
00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:50,780
{\i1}I love having a special whistle{\i0}
{\i1} that, when you blow it,{\i0}
190
00:07:50,860 --> 00:07:54,280
{\i1}it makes the sound of Ray Romano{\i0}
{\i1} telling people to cut it out.{\i0}
191
00:07:54,380 --> 00:07:56,040
[Ray Romano's voice]
All right, guys,
192
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,700
that's enough over there.
193
00:07:57,710 --> 00:08:00,640
[Meg]
{\i1} But what I love most{\i0}
{\i1} about being a lifeguard?{\i0}
194
00:08:00,790 --> 00:08:03,030
{\i1} No more abuse from my family.{\i0}
195
00:08:03,130 --> 00:08:05,460
{\i1} In fact,{\i0}
{\i1} no family at all.{\i0}
196
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,870
{\i1} It's just me,{\i0}
{\i1} all day, every day.{\i0}
197
00:08:08,970 --> 00:08:10,470
-[Peter] Hey, Meg!
-Dad?!
198
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,320
Great news.
Since you work here,
199
00:08:12,470 --> 00:08:13,820
I got a discount
on a season pass!
200
00:08:14,050 --> 00:08:16,160
I'll be here all day,
every day.
201
00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:17,720
And don't worry,
I won't set up my towel
202
00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:19,660
next to the breastfeeding moms.
203
00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:25,290
Don't forget to swap halfway
through so you keep 'em even.
204
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,490
Dad, you have no right
to hang out in my workplace.
205
00:08:34,510 --> 00:08:36,180
Well, maybe your workplace
should've thought of that
206
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,250
before they put an ad
on my juice box.
207
00:08:38,350 --> 00:08:41,010
I'm a lifeguard, you know.
I could just throw you out.
208
00:08:41,170 --> 00:08:43,390
Aw, come on, Meg.
Look, if you let me stay,
209
00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:45,500
we'll make one of
those viral videos you love.
210
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,520
You know, where something seems
real, but it's actually cake.
211
00:08:48,670 --> 00:08:50,520
Yo, yo, yo, I'm here
with my daughter, Meg,
212
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:51,690
and her brother, Chris.
213
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,100
Or am I?
214
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,770
Ow, Dad! Stop it!
215
00:08:54,940 --> 00:08:56,360
Wait, what happened
to Cake Chris?
216
00:08:56,510 --> 00:08:59,490
All right, let's see
what's happening on CakeHub.
217
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,580
[sultry music playing]
218
00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:06,540
What a dirty little cake.
219
00:09:06,690 --> 00:09:08,880
Okay, plus, plus,
you know "laugh and cry"?
220
00:09:09,030 --> 00:09:11,270
You know the-- in the song where
Stewie says "laugh and cry"?
221
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,360
Let me stay, Meg,
and it's all yours.
222
00:09:13,460 --> 00:09:15,110
-You'd do that?
-I will look into it.
223
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:17,030
I will look into it
very strongly.
224
00:09:17,050 --> 00:09:18,780
[softly]
♪{\i1} Laugh and cry{\i0} ♪
225
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,200
Okay, I guess so.
226
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,610
But only if you promise
to follow all the rules.
227
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:23,540
Guys, we're in!
228
00:09:23,620 --> 00:09:24,560
-Hey, Meg.
-Hey.
229
00:09:24,710 --> 00:09:27,640
Meg, I saw a sign
about active diarrhea.
230
00:09:27,790 --> 00:09:30,310
What if it's very passive?
231
00:09:32,830 --> 00:09:34,220
[busy chatter]
232
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,640
What are we gonna do, Stewie?!
233
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:36,720
These people came for coffee,
234
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:37,900
and we have none to serve them!
235
00:09:38,130 --> 00:09:40,070
Dude, come on.
Can I get some coffee or what?
236
00:09:40,220 --> 00:09:43,100
Uh, hang on. I think I hear
our delivery guy in the back.
237
00:09:44,230 --> 00:09:46,140
What do you mean
you don't have the coffee?!
238
00:09:46,230 --> 00:09:47,410
[as delivery guy]
I-I know, I'm sorry,
239
00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:49,420
and-and for such a handsome guy,
too.
240
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:50,920
-You're so handsome.
-[as himself] Okay, pal,
241
00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:52,810
you're not gonna compliment
your way out of this one.
242
00:09:52,810 --> 00:09:54,830
[as delivery guy] Ah, geez,
buddy, you look so tense.
243
00:09:54,910 --> 00:09:56,160
Let's get you out of that apron.
244
00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:57,820
[as himself]
Oh, come on, I'm at work.
245
00:09:57,830 --> 00:10:00,580
[as delivery guy] Oh,
when is that body not working?
246
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,580
Sorry, hang on, just got to deal
with this stupid thing.
247
00:10:03,670 --> 00:10:04,670
Enough of this.
248
00:10:04,830 --> 00:10:06,250
Come on, other college students.
249
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:07,840
Let's go sign up
for a credit card
250
00:10:07,990 --> 00:10:09,620
that gives us a T-shirt!
251
00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:10,530
[indistinct chatter]
252
00:10:10,530 --> 00:10:11,500
Wait! Hang on!
253
00:10:11,590 --> 00:10:13,680
We got coffee for you
right here.
254
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,260
Yep, the highest quality
that you've come to expect
255
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,590
here at "Brew Ha Ha."
256
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,430
I want to change our name
to "Brew Ha Ha."
257
00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:21,730
You're a lifesaver.
Where did you get that?
258
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,190
I ran to the bodega next door
and got some Folgers.
259
00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:26,770
What? We'll never get away
with serving Folgers.
260
00:10:26,790 --> 00:10:29,120
Won't we? Look around,
we're a hit.
261
00:10:29,270 --> 00:10:30,960
[indistinct chatter]
262
00:10:31,110 --> 00:10:33,530
And check it out, we're already
a pretend small business
263
00:10:33,690 --> 00:10:34,850
in a Chase Bank ad.
264
00:10:34,870 --> 00:10:36,700
♪ ♪
265
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:40,040
[Brian]
{\i1} These days, running a small{\i0}
{\i1}business can be a big challenge.{\i0}
266
00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:41,710
[Stewie]
{\i1} Whether we're receiving{\i0}
{\i1} a flower delivery{\i0}
267
00:10:41,860 --> 00:10:43,530
{\i1} for unclear reasons...{\i0}
268
00:10:43,530 --> 00:10:44,640
[Brain]
{\i1} Or raising the blinds{\i0}
269
00:10:44,790 --> 00:10:47,050
{\i1} and flipping over{\i0}
{\i1} the "Open/Closed" sign,{\i0}
270
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,620
{\i1} which is how I spend{\i0}
{\i1} most of my work day...{\i0}
271
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,980
[Stewie]
{\i1} Or even making a latte{\i0}
{\i1} for a Black woman,{\i0}
272
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,870
{\i1} an iced tea for a white woman,{\i0}
273
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,660
{\i1} and a coffee{\i0}
{\i1} for a gently brown guy{\i0}
274
00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:56,800
{\i1} who could go in a lot of{\i0}
{\i1} different directions...{\i0}
275
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,380
[Brian]
{\i1} We've got our hands full.{\i0}
276
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,380
{\i1} That's why Chase Bank{\i0}
{\i1} is here for us.{\i0}
277
00:11:00,470 --> 00:11:02,470
[Stewie]
{\i1} When this man in a suit{\i0}
{\i1} from Chase Bank{\i0}
278
00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:05,070
{\i1} came down and shook my hand{\i0}
{\i1} at my place of business,{\i0}
279
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:06,550
{\i1} it really solidified{\i0}
280
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,550
{\i1} what we'd already talked about{\i0}
{\i1} at his office.{\i0}
281
00:11:08,650 --> 00:11:10,070
[Brian]
{\i1} Now we're looking at a laptop,{\i0}
282
00:11:10,220 --> 00:11:11,720
{\i1} like my stupid{\i0}
{\i1} little coffee shop{\i0}
283
00:11:11,820 --> 00:11:14,000
{\i1} is gonna be a big disruptor{\i0}
{\i1} in the online space.{\i0}
284
00:11:14,150 --> 00:11:15,500
[Stewie]
{\i1} And my Chase business card{\i0}
285
00:11:15,650 --> 00:11:17,560
{\i1} allows me to make those{\i0}
{\i1} emergency purchases{\i0}
286
00:11:17,580 --> 00:11:19,050
{\i1} that I'll lose sleep{\i0}
{\i1} at night over.{\i0}
287
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:20,490
[Brian]
{\i1} Chase understands my business{\i0}
288
00:11:20,510 --> 00:11:22,510
{\i1} the way they understand{\i0}
{\i1} all businesses,{\i0}
289
00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:24,180
{\i1} as a huge reverse funnel{\i0}
290
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,400
{\i1} that shoves money{\i0}
{\i1} upwards to them.{\i0}
291
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:28,410
[Stewie]
{\i1} Hey, another flower delivery.{\i0}
292
00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:29,740
{\i1} These'll look great{\i0}
{\i1} in the bathroom,{\i0}
293
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,610
{\i1} while I'm pooping blood{\i0}
{\i1} from the stress.{\i0}
294
00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:32,840
[Brian]
{\i1} Now I'm flipping over that{\i0}
295
00:11:32,930 --> 00:11:34,340
{\i1} "Open/Closed" sign again.{\i0}
296
00:11:34,430 --> 00:11:36,750
{\i1} Is that a new stadium{\i0}
{\i1} with Chase's name on it?{\i0}
297
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,010
{\i1} How'd they afford that?{\i0}
298
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,930
[Stewie]
I'll be in this bathroom
for a while.
299
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:41,100
Better toss it to the announcer.
300
00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:42,250
[announcer]{\i1} At Chase Bank,{\i0}
301
00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:43,650
{\i1} we're about more than just{\i0}
302
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,260
{\i1} foreclosing on American{\i0}
{\i1} servicemen while overseas.{\i0}
303
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,090
{\i1} We're about small business.{\i0}
304
00:11:48,110 --> 00:11:49,280
{\i1} So when you think of Chase,{\i0}
305
00:11:49,430 --> 00:11:51,690
{\i1} don't think of{\i0}
{\i1} the 2008 financial crash,{\i0}
306
00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:54,280
{\i1} think of your local,{\i0}
{\i1} sympathetic small business.{\i0}
307
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,770
Flower delivery.
308
00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:58,210
[Stewie] Yeah, guys, we're good
on flowers for a while.
309
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,460
Well, that's great, but it
doesn't change the fact that
310
00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:02,550
we're passing Folgers off
as real coffee.
311
00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:04,960
Isn't someone going to
know the taste of Folgers?
312
00:12:05,130 --> 00:12:06,460
Relax, Stewie. The only person
313
00:12:06,610 --> 00:12:08,560
who could possibly
know the taste of Folgers
314
00:12:08,780 --> 00:12:11,300
would be an older white man
who works in public education.
315
00:12:11,380 --> 00:12:13,970
I would like
a cup of coffee, please.
316
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,540
Oh...
317
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,050
[studio audience laughs]
318
00:12:17,140 --> 00:12:20,020
[woman speaking Japanese]
319
00:12:23,890 --> 00:12:25,030
[laughing]
320
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,390
Dad, you promised
you'd follow all the rules.
321
00:12:29,410 --> 00:12:31,390
I told you, no horseplay.
322
00:12:31,490 --> 00:12:34,080
[laughs] We're having big
wrassle-fights
323
00:12:34,230 --> 00:12:36,940
a'cause it's the only way we
know how to express affection.
324
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:38,980
-Gonna get you, Peter.
-Me, too.
325
00:12:39,070 --> 00:12:40,140
And not because I love you
326
00:12:40,310 --> 00:12:41,980
and I don't have the words
to say it.
327
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,240
I'm just having normal fun
328
00:12:43,260 --> 00:12:44,650
without all that mess.
329
00:12:44,740 --> 00:12:46,330
Okay, guys, out of the pool.
330
00:12:46,490 --> 00:12:47,990
I gave you a chance,
and you blew it.
331
00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:49,670
You're kicked out of the park.
332
00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:51,600
-What?
-Go home.
333
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:52,770
I'm kicking you out.
334
00:12:52,930 --> 00:12:54,330
Gotta catch me first.
335
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,250
Just try to get me out of
the deep end
336
00:12:56,270 --> 00:12:59,360
with these long-legged,
short-torsoed giants.
337
00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:02,110
Dad!
338
00:13:04,190 --> 00:13:06,520
Oh, my God, he's not breathing.
339
00:13:06,670 --> 00:13:09,010
♪ ♪
340
00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:11,790
Okay, guys. Come on now.
341
00:13:12,010 --> 00:13:13,410
Please breathe, Dad.
342
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,860
-Hey.
-Hey.
343
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,030
Your mouth was... on my mouth.
344
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,790
Uh, I think.
345
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,140
Maybe a little. Yeah.
346
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:39,390
My God, Peter.
That's your daughter.
347
00:13:39,540 --> 00:13:40,870
Adopted daughter?
348
00:13:40,890 --> 00:13:42,650
No, Woody,
just-just regular daughter.
349
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,150
Oh, ye-yeah, then ew,
that's-that's wrong, ew.
350
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,120
♪ ♪
351
00:13:51,980 --> 00:13:54,980
Okay, so... our mouths were...
352
00:13:55,070 --> 00:13:56,660
totally touching each other.
353
00:13:56,810 --> 00:13:58,220
Y-Yes.
354
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,500
But that's okay. That's okay.
355
00:13:59,650 --> 00:14:01,730
'Cause you were saving my life,
so it's not weird.
356
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:02,910
Right, it's not w--
357
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,840
It's the opposite of weird.
358
00:14:04,990 --> 00:14:06,400
Yeah, the opposite. Right, yeah.
359
00:14:06,420 --> 00:14:08,580
And, anyway, we can just
say this never happened, right?
360
00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:09,830
'Cause nobody even saw us.
361
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:12,330
[laughing]
362
00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:14,000
Ooh, they're all distracted.
363
00:14:14,090 --> 00:14:16,520
Other urban kids,
this is our chance.
364
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,020
♪ ♪
365
00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:25,340
Stewie, what are we gonna do?
366
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,840
If we serve coffee to
Principal Shepherd,
367
00:14:27,860 --> 00:14:29,360
he's gonna recognize
that it's Folgers.
368
00:14:29,510 --> 00:14:30,700
I say we wait him out.
369
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,770
Any middle-aged white man
can be ignored indefinitely,
370
00:14:33,930 --> 00:14:35,540
unless he clears his throat.
371
00:14:35,690 --> 00:14:36,850
[clears throat]
372
00:14:36,870 --> 00:14:38,100
Welp, we're out of moves.
373
00:14:38,190 --> 00:14:39,930
Um, hi. How may I help you?
374
00:14:39,950 --> 00:14:41,880
I would like a cup of coffee.
375
00:14:42,030 --> 00:14:45,170
Y-Yes, sir. Uh, coming right up.
376
00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:49,550
♪ ♪
377
00:15:10,130 --> 00:15:13,390
Wait a minute, this is
Folgers instant coffee.
378
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:14,890
[crowd exclaims]
379
00:15:14,910 --> 00:15:16,980
I would know,
we served it at my wedding.
380
00:15:17,140 --> 00:15:18,390
Yes, everyone, we admit it.
381
00:15:18,490 --> 00:15:20,640
We didn't have our normal
coffee beans on hand,
382
00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:22,750
and so we've been
serving you the cheap stuff.
383
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:24,670
You're all drinking Folgers.
384
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:27,750
That's awesome.
385
00:15:27,980 --> 00:15:29,420
It... it is?
386
00:15:29,610 --> 00:15:30,910
Heck yeah, man.
387
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,080
We're, like, paying way a lot
of our parents' money
388
00:15:33,090 --> 00:15:34,760
for our parents'
own cheap coffee?
389
00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:36,650
That's kind of meta.
390
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,340
Like, seriously alt and iro.
391
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:40,160
[crowd murmurs in agreement]
392
00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:42,660
Well, that went different
from how I expected.
393
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,270
Yup, kids these days are
pretty forgiving and tolerant.
394
00:15:45,420 --> 00:15:47,940
This dog and baby are banned
from society forever
395
00:15:48,090 --> 00:15:49,350
'cause of an Internet thing.
396
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,690
One of them keeps trying to
slide into AOC's DMs.
397
00:15:52,780 --> 00:15:55,020
-Brian?
-She's hot,
398
00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:56,780
but we're supposed to
pretend she's not.
399
00:15:56,860 --> 00:15:58,510
Well, who's that
red lipstick for?
400
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,500
[crowd boos]
401
00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:03,290
I guess the coffee shop's
available.
402
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:04,790
Roast Busters.
403
00:16:05,020 --> 00:16:06,550
Good luck.
404
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:09,320
♪ ♪
405
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,210
Oh, back from the water park,
you two?
406
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,860
Anything unusual happen?
407
00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:15,530
Yeah. No. I mean,
408
00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:18,140
I did mouth-to-mouth
on this one guy,
409
00:16:18,290 --> 00:16:21,290
but he was, like,
way not blood-related.
410
00:16:21,310 --> 00:16:24,200
Okay. Guess I'll just
watch the news.
411
00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:26,240
{\i1} Our top story, creepy lip-lock{\i0}
412
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,370
{\i1} saves a life{\i0}
{\i1} at Quahog water park.{\i0}
413
00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:30,710
{\i1} Local man Peter Griffin{\i0}
{\i1} was revived by{\i0}
414
00:16:30,730 --> 00:16:33,540
{\i1} a game of tonsil-hockey with{\i0}
{\i1} lifeguard Meg Griffin,{\i0}
415
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,800
{\i1} who-- I'm placing{\i0}
{\i1} my hand over my ear{\i0}
416
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,550
{\i1} and pretending to{\i0}
{\i1} get new information--{\i0}
417
00:16:37,570 --> 00:16:38,900
{\i1} is his own daughter?{\i0}
418
00:16:38,990 --> 00:16:41,140
Babe, it's not what you think.
419
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,660
Yeah, I was just
saving his life.
420
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,390
He means nothing to me.
421
00:16:44,410 --> 00:16:46,320
I want to believe that, Meg.
422
00:16:46,330 --> 00:16:48,170
But look what people
are saying on Facebook.
423
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,340
"This is wrong," Bonnie Swanson.
424
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,650
"So not okay," Donna Brown.
425
00:16:52,670 --> 00:16:54,820
"Russia USA number one support,"
426
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,180
woman's face with
Getty Image watermark.
427
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,180
Our family is a laughing stock.
428
00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:00,740
Why are you being like this?
429
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,410
I was just doing my job.
430
00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:06,080
I know, but I'm sorry,
it-it's just weird.
431
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,670
I feel humiliated.
432
00:17:07,730 --> 00:17:08,930
If you'll excuse me,
433
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:10,360
I'm gonna go
smoke a cigarette alone,
434
00:17:10,580 --> 00:17:11,580
which is how TV depicts
435
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,530
a woman at her
lowest point emotionally.
436
00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:15,770
This is insane.
437
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,350
Yeah, when are people
gonna grow up?
438
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,780
♪{\i1} Peter and Megan,{\i0}
{\i1} sitting in a tree{\i0} ♪
439
00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:24,280
♪{\i1} K-I-S-S...{\i0} ♪
440
00:17:24,450 --> 00:17:26,020
Oh...
441
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,600
♪{\i1} E... N-G.{\i0} ♪
442
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:31,190
-[bell rings]
-[announcer]{\i1} And Chris Griffin{\i0}
{\i1} is eliminated,{\i0}
443
00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:33,790
{\i1} which means Boopresh Armiteg{\i0}
{\i1} will repeat as{\i0}
444
00:17:33,940 --> 00:17:35,210
{\i1} National Spelling Champion.{\i0}
445
00:17:35,370 --> 00:17:38,290
{\i1} Congrats to his{\i0}
{\i1} always-frowning Indian parents{\i0}
446
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,440
{\i1} joylessly clapping{\i0}
{\i1} in the audience.{\i0}
447
00:17:40,580 --> 00:17:42,450
[applause]
448
00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:45,220
♪ ♪
449
00:17:45,450 --> 00:17:46,800
Guys, we called this meeting
450
00:17:46,950 --> 00:17:49,450
because there are a lot of
hurtful rumors swirling around,
451
00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:51,230
-and we have something to
say to you.
-That's right.
452
00:17:51,460 --> 00:17:53,070
-You guys are being stupid.
-Meg and I are in love.
453
00:17:53,220 --> 00:17:54,720
What? No, Dad,
454
00:17:54,810 --> 00:17:56,290
we're telling them that
they're idiots
455
00:17:56,460 --> 00:17:57,960
-and to cut it out.
-Right, I--
456
00:17:57,980 --> 00:17:59,740
That's what I meant,
I-I'm all confused.
457
00:17:59,890 --> 00:18:01,480
I-I'm not in love with Meg,
I-I ju--
458
00:18:01,630 --> 00:18:03,630
I need to
return a ring to Zales.
459
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:04,660
[crying]
460
00:18:06,660 --> 00:18:07,750
[both gasp]
461
00:18:08,980 --> 00:18:10,810
Oh, my God,
your father's not breathing.
462
00:18:10,830 --> 00:18:12,660
Meg, you have to
give him mouth-to-mouth.
463
00:18:12,810 --> 00:18:15,070
Me? You do it. You're his wife.
464
00:18:15,090 --> 00:18:17,320
I need at least four beers to
get there, Meg.
465
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,590
Besides, you're
the only one who knows how.
466
00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:21,580
No way, I already did it once,
467
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:22,840
and it made my life hell.
468
00:18:22,990 --> 00:18:25,340
Meg, please. This is our father!
469
00:18:25,490 --> 00:18:26,660
Probably.
470
00:18:26,750 --> 00:18:27,930
What's that supposed to mean?
471
00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:29,440
We've all heard stories of
472
00:18:29,590 --> 00:18:31,590
your time on
the Hoobastank tour bus.
473
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:34,440
Meg, your father is dying
and he needs you,
474
00:18:34,590 --> 00:18:36,780
and I am not going
to sit here and apologize for
475
00:18:36,850 --> 00:18:38,260
what I may or may not have done
476
00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:39,840
with the Hoobastank bassist.
477
00:18:39,860 --> 00:18:41,280
"Hoobastank bassist"?
478
00:18:41,430 --> 00:18:43,100
You don't even know
the guy's name.
479
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,690
They've had like
five bass players,
480
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,450
and, anyway, it's not
like I was writing down names.
481
00:18:47,610 --> 00:18:49,000
[Peter gasps]
482
00:18:51,110 --> 00:18:52,270
What's the big deal?
483
00:18:52,290 --> 00:18:54,030
You stick your tongue
down Dad's throat.
484
00:18:54,130 --> 00:18:55,780
Most natural thing in the world.
485
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,110
Where the hell have you been?
486
00:18:57,210 --> 00:18:58,950
Brian and I did a coffee house
thing, I don't know.
487
00:18:58,970 --> 00:19:01,090
[cell phone rings]
488
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,860
I have to take this. Hey, you.
489
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,030
Listen, Meg. I'm glad
you saved my life at the pool.
490
00:19:09,050 --> 00:19:11,390
But I'm sorry
I came there in the first place.
491
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:13,550
Everyone deserves
a place of their own,
492
00:19:13,710 --> 00:19:14,980
and I get that now.
493
00:19:15,210 --> 00:19:17,320
I promise I'll treat you
better in the future.
494
00:19:17,470 --> 00:19:19,800
You know, we've had
conversations like this
495
00:19:19,820 --> 00:19:23,810
again and again,
and nothing ever changes.
496
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,730
You're a terrible father,
and I'm counting the days
497
00:19:26,890 --> 00:19:28,140
till I move out of this house.
498
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,570
Okay, but what if,
in the spirit of inclusion,
499
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,460
I tell you
"I love you" in sign language?
500
00:19:38,730 --> 00:19:41,660
Oh, I love you too, Dad.
501
00:19:41,830 --> 00:19:43,330
[Peter]
{\i1} But this never happened{\i0}
502
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,830
{\i1}because no one resuscitated me.{\i0}
503
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,330
{\i1} I did wake up eventually,{\i0}
504
00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:50,240
{\i1} but now I need help{\i0}
{\i1} feeding and bathing myself.{\i0}
505
00:19:50,260 --> 00:19:52,670
{\i1} I spend most of my days{\i0}
{\i1} getting walked around{\i0}
506
00:19:52,690 --> 00:19:54,750
{\i1} by a nurse who talks to{\i0}
{\i1} her sister on her phone.{\i0}
507
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,250
[nurse]
{\i1} Whoa, hold up.{\i0}
{\i1} Mom gave you the necklace?{\i0}
508
00:19:57,420 --> 00:19:58,610
[Peter]
{\i1} That's her now.{\i0}
509
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:04,680
♪ ♪
510
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:05,770
Well, Meg, I gotta say,
511
00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:06,850
I'm proud of you for going to
512
00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:08,200
that water park each day
513
00:20:08,310 --> 00:20:09,610
and working a job that you love.
514
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,040
Oh, I quit that place.
515
00:20:11,190 --> 00:20:12,690
-What?
-Yeah, the weather turned
516
00:20:12,710 --> 00:20:14,860
two degrees cooler
than I like, so I just bailed.
517
00:20:15,030 --> 00:20:17,190
That's the girl I raised.
518
00:20:17,290 --> 00:20:20,050
Yay, our generation
folds at nothing.
519
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,380
And, Stewie, I'm sorry our
coffee house didn't work out.
520
00:20:22,530 --> 00:20:24,370
I wonder how Principal
Shepherd's doing with it.
521
00:20:24,460 --> 00:20:27,200
Eh, I hear he's going with
a "teachers' lounge" theme.
522
00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:28,780
Your entire pastry case
523
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,780
is just Tupperware with people's
names written in Sharpie.
524
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,040
Don't forget this sad box of
donuts cut into quarters.
525
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:37,300
Everyone, let's all
talk about things
526
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:39,320
that parents have
told us in confidence.
527
00:20:42,570 --> 00:20:44,650
[announcer]{\i1} It's kind of like{\i0}
Abbott Elementary,
528
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,960
{\i1} which is amazing. Amazing!{\i0}
529
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:49,620
{\i1} You gotta watch it.{\i0}
{\i1} Oh, my God!{\i0}
40995
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