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1
00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:04,040
Britain, Britain, Britain!
2
00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:08,160
Man, it's easily the best goddar
cotton-pickin' country in the world,
3
00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:10,040
Yee-ha!
4
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:12,640
I went to France, I found it far too French,
5
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,240
Spain was full of Spaniard
and Poland stank of farts,
6
00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:19,920
But what makes Britain so moist and fragrant?
7
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,320
Why, it be the people,
8
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,160
Let's visit them now,
9
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:27,440
Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin!
10
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,840
After a morning spen
watching some traffic lights,
11
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,040
Lou and Andy are returning home,
12
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,440
Oh, hello. How are you? All right?
13
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,960
- Keeping well
- Yeah, l am, thank you. Yeah. Very good.
14
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,120
See you later.
15
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,840
- Hi
- Hi, Welcome back,
16
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,320
Which one's Richard and which one's Judy?
17
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,720
l can't believe it. l've got through.
18
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,840
Yes, l'll hold
Oh, my God, it's �1,000 a question!
19
00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,640
- Let me do it
- l'm not sure...
20
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,440
- l wanna do it
- Who's on the line?
21
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,760
- l am
- Sorry, who's there?
22
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,720
- Andy Pipkin
- Hi, Andy. You know the rules,
23
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:11,360
It's very, very easy. We show you somethin
and you describe it to us.
24
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,960
- Yeah, l know
- for every right answer, we give you �1,000,
25
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:16,640
Yeah, l know.
26
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,640
Right, OK, then
Start the clock, let's go. One minute.
27
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,840
- Carrot.
28
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:27,120
No, Andy, you have to describe it
You mustn't say what the thing actually is.
29
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,640
Yeah, l know.
30
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,040
OK, let's carry on.
31
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:33,920
Michael Parkinson.
32
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:39,120
That is Michael... You don't have t
tell us who the person is.
33
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,760
- You give us a clue and we guess
- Yeah, l know.
34
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,240
- OK
- All right. Let's carry on.
35
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:45,920
Mobile phone.
36
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:48,040
- Oh, Jesus...
37
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:51,640
Um... Look, we're running out of time
Let's just try one more quickly
38
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,720
Just describe it, OK?
39
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,920
- Er..
- Come on, Andy, think. �1,000.
40
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,040
Pint of milk.
41
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,520
Oh, we're out of time.
42
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:07,520
Oh, I'm really sorry, mate
You're the first person never to win anything.
43
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,760
Oh dear..
44
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,320
We'll be back after the break.
45
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,840
Oh, Andy..
Why didn't you let me do it?
46
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,360
Car.
47
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,760
Andy, these are just the adverts.
48
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,240
Yeah, l know. Laboratoire Garnier.
49
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,840
The British postal servic
is the best in the world.
50
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,160
Put a first class stamp on your letter
51
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:36,640
and it's guaranteed to possibly arriv
at some point somewhere if you're lucky.
52
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,240
Mrs Emery?
53
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:43,120
Oh! Hello, dear! How was the operation?
54
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,160
Oh, very good, very good
They had me out in no time.
55
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,640
- That's good. The hip's big, isn't it
- Ooh, it was a double hip.
56
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,440
Double hip. Well, you look very well on it
Where did you have it done?
57
00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:58,960
Well...
58
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,440
- Queen Mary's
- Yes.
59
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,440
They're good there
Very good doctors. Who'd you have?
60
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:07,040
Er... Well... Doctor, um...
61
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,240
Um... Paredes?
62
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,960
- Um... Yes
- Yeah, he did Sheila from the chemist.
63
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,240
She was in on a Tuesda
and out and about by the weekend.
64
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:19,120
Oh, it's your turn.
65
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,640
l'll get that for you. You save your hips.
66
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,440
Lovely to talk to you. l'll see you later, dear.
67
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,560
One second class stamp, please.
68
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,840
In Darkly Noone, Asbo-enthusiast Vicky Pollard
69
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,640
has left half her kids at hom
as she begins her first day at work,
70
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,840
Right. Wait there.
71
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,440
l'll just be a few hours.
72
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,240
Don't be giving me baby evils.
73
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:02,560
lt's �3.80 an hour. Easy work
All you gotta do is talk dirty to 'em.
74
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,160
Oh, my God. l can so do tha
cos l'm like well a slag.
75
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,840
This is where you sit
Your name is Sapphire.
76
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,240
You are six foot tal
top model from Paris.
77
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,440
Bog's over there.
78
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,720
Answer the phone!
79
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,640
All right!
80
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,160
God...
81
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:34,440
Hello, or summin' or nuffin?
82
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,440
Is that Sapphire, then?
83
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,160
No, but... Yeah, but... No, but..
Yeah, this is Spitfire.
84
00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:43,920
And l'm wearing like really sexy knicker
that l got from George at Asda.
85
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:48,160
- What are you doing
- Thinking about having a bag of crisps.
86
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,520
You're not doing anything sexy, then?
87
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:54,720
Oh, no, but... Yeah, but... No, but...
88
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,440
Yeah, but l am, because l'm her
with three girlfriends who are top model
89
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:02,160
cos they all do like modellin
for the Freeman's catalogue and that.
90
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,840
- What are their names
- Oh, something really exotic
91
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,440
Like, um...Ferrero Rocher and, er...
92
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,120
Twix?
93
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:13,040
What are you all doing?
94
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,520
Well, Ferrero is smearing Chambourss
Hippopotamousse all over Rocher.
95
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,320
Uh-huh. What's Twix doing?
96
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:24,440
Um... Picking her fee
and watching June Sarpong on T4.
97
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:29,040
Picking her feet? This is costing m
a pound a minute. Can you be a bit sexier?
98
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,920
Ooh, my God
l so can't believe you just said that.
99
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,520
l'm like well the J-Lo
If Rochelle says l'm lying, don't listen to her
100
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:39,040
because her brother ate a goldfish for 50p
and l'm like well fit
101
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,440
because we were all in media studie
and l was wearing a short skirt.
102
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,120
Mr Jarman, who everyone knows is a pervert,
103
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:49,120
spent the whole lesso
totally staring at my Muller Fruit Corner.
104
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,920
- Vicky
- Yeah, who's this?
105
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,560
- It's Uncle Pete
- Uncle Pete?
106
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,440
What are you ringing this for
That is well out of order.
107
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:01,040
- Put the phone down
- You won't tell Auntie Cath, will you?
108
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:04,320
l'm going to call you back
This is like well costing you a lot.
109
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:13,040
Hello?
110
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,840
So the thing is
we're all covered in Hippopotamuses
111
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:20,440
and we're all licking it off each othe
and l'm totally lezzing everyone up and...
112
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,840
All done? OK, Uncle Pete
l'll see you Sunday. Bye.
113
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,440
It's five past Ming the Merciless
114
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,640
and in Bruise, Dudley and Tng Ton
have spent their first night together
115
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,640
- Are you awake, Mr Dudwey
- Yes, l am. Yes.
116
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,960
Did you have good time last night?
117
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,640
Yes, it was very pleasant.
118
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,640
Did you enjoy all these thin
Ting Tong do for you?
119
00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:01,440
Yes, l did
l found it all to be a wonderful release.
120
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:05,840
- Thank you, Ting Tong
- Would you like do it again?
121
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:12,240
Yes, that would be most welcome. Yes.
122
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,640
l'll just take a little tinkle, then l'll return.
123
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,440
Don't be long, cup cake.
124
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,320
Missing you already, Mr Dudwey.
125
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,640
Oh, the flush isn't working.
126
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,120
Ting Tong?
127
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,760
Ting Tong? The flush isn't...
128
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,040
No... No...
129
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,640
Mr Dudwey, l can explain!
130
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,040
- You've got the..
- l'm sorry, Mr Dudwey.
131
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,320
- l was going to tell you
- When?
132
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,320
After wedding.
133
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,840
There isn't gonna be a wedding
What are you, anyway?
134
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,320
A Ladyboy.
135
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,520
- A what
- Yes, Mr Dudwey.
136
00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,840
lt time you knew
My real name not Ting Tong.
137
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,520
My real name...Tong Ting.
138
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,840
No. Get out of my flat, you Lady gayboy!
139
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,560
Oh, don't, Mr Dudwey. l beg of you
Please don't make me leave. Mr Dudwey!
140
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,840
Maybe you could stay just one more night.
141
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,760
At Hill Grange Health Spa,
142
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,360
ex-international show Jumper Desire
and her husband Roman
143
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,040
are making the most of their honeymoon,
144
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,960
l'm feeling very frisky today, my Love.
145
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,840
- Are you
- Like a man three-quarters of my age.
146
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:46,640
Well, let's go into the steamy roo
and have a little bit of how's-your-farthing.
147
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,320
l could show you a thing or two.
148
00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:01,240
l have one or two things to show you.
149
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,960
- Oh, Roman
- l love you so much.
150
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,240
l love you too, bubby.
151
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,160
- Just the two of us
- Alone at last.
152
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,120
- Hello, darlings
- Oh, Bubbles!
153
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,040
l trust you are enjoyin
your honeymoony.
154
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,240
This is so fatiguing to me.
155
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,640
You know, we're tyin
to have a little bit of private time.
156
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:29,360
Don't worry about me, darling
l'm so over you, you wouldn't believe it.
157
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,920
Good. You'll never get him back, baby.
158
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:36,320
That's fine by me. l don't want him bac
after you've had your dirty paws all over him.
159
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,040
How dare you compare me to a bear!
160
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,840
You harlot! You strumpet!
161
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,640
Please, ladies, stop.
162
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:53,240
Oh, my love
You appear to be missing something.
163
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:55,920
Oh. My necklace?
164
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,640
- No
- My earrings? You took my earrings?
165
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,960
No, it's your, um...
166
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:05,360
My wig! She taken my wig
l didn't even know l wore a wig!
167
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,440
Don't be ridiculous, darling
l don't have your wig.
168
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,840
- Don't just stand there. Help me look
- Of course, my sweet.
169
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,240
Oh, it's like the black hole of Calcutta.
170
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:21,040
How dare you make personal remark
about my a-hole!
171
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,440
Right, ladies, that is enough.
172
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,240
l'll leave you to it.
173
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,520
lt must be somewhere.
174
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,360
Miss Bubble
Will you be needing a bikini wax later?
175
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:40,720
No, thank you, darling. l'm letting it grow.
176
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:45,440
Ha-ha-ha! Champagne
Champagne for everyone!
177
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,520
Meanwhile
in the new town of Dane Bowersville,
178
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:57,360
university lecturer Linda Flint is busy marking.
179
00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,840
This pen is excellent.
180
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,840
One moment. Just put the top back on.
181
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,960
- Come in
- Hi, Linda.
182
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,640
Hello, Nina. Take a seat
What can l help you with today?
183
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,560
Well, l'm not really enjoyin
the Contemporary Women's Poetry course.
184
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:21,240
l wondered if l could change to Sexual Identit
in the Works of Emile Bronte.
185
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,560
Oh. Sounds a bit heavy, but if you're sure.
186
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,640
- Yeah
- l'll check with Martin it's not too late.
187
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:37,840
lt's Linda. l've got a student her
wanting to know if she can change courses.
188
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,320
lt's Nina.
189
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:44,640
You know Nina. Long, flowing skirts
lovely dangling earrings.
190
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,160
Looks like she's been slurping a cappuccino.
191
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,960
You'd get a stubble rash if you kissed her.
192
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,240
Never heard of Immac.
193
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:55,240
That's right. Magnum P.l.
194
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,360
He says that's fine.
195
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,520
- Thanks
- No problem.
196
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:04,440
Harriet saw her at the swimming baths
Said it was like Chewbacca in a bikini.
197
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,120
Could you shut the door on the way out?
198
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,040
Why are people fat? Because God hates them.
199
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,440
So they attend diet classes like this.
200
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,720
Hello, fat fighters. Come here, you.
201
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,440
Later. Sorry we're late.
202
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:31,640
So l bet you're all wondering wh
this new face is. Well, this sexy MF...
203
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,360
..is Derek and he's my boyfriend.
204
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,920
We met a couple of days ago
Hello, everybody.
205
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:39,760
Hello.
206
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:41,840
Feels like l've known you my whole life.
207
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,920
Yeah.
208
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,440
We met in the gym. He's a personal trainer.
209
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,840
She was in the saun
not doing any exercise.
210
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:53,240
l don't just go in the sauna, Derek
l use the sunbed as well.
211
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,920
Anyway, l'm getting plenty of exercise now.
212
00:12:56,240 --> 00:13:00,160
Ooh, it's a beast! Now, what we're gonna d
today is something a bit different,
213
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,920
shake it up a bit
as Derek is going to get us all up exercising.
214
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,920
And we're gonna see if we can'
shift a few of them extra stone. Eh, pet?
215
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,960
- That's the one l was telling about, the walrus
- The one who...
216
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:12,960
No, that's the one who stinks.
217
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,440
- Hi, Tania
- Hello.
218
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:20,240
And l should warn you, that one over ther
is Mira. She is of the Asian persuasion.
219
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,240
- Hello, Mira
- Hello, Derek.
220
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,520
Not a word. Derek.
221
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,840
OK, gang. Let's get up on our feet.
222
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,840
And we'll just start with some stretches.
223
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:36,960
You've stretched me. Tell you what girls
once you've had black, you ain't going back!
224
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:41,920
Great. So l want you to all get into pairs.
225
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,440
Oh, l haven't got anyone.
226
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,440
- That's all right, love. Come with me
- Oh!
227
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,720
One of you put your han
on your partner's shoulder to balance.
228
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,040
Lift your leg up behind you and stretch it.
229
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,840
- Ooh, you got lucky there, Tania
- Yeah, and he's all muscle.
230
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,160
Are you flirting again, Derek?
231
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,960
l'm just being friendly, Marge. OK.
232
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:04,960
Deep breaths, everybody.
233
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,760
And breathe from the diaphragm which is here.
234
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,720
Actually, l wish l were 20 years younger.
235
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,720
You're actually very luck
l'm not the jealous type
236
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,760
but if you touch that shitting slag again
it's over.
237
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:22,160
- l was only joking, Marjorie
- You can shut up, you fat old ugly Lolita.
238
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,920
Look, l'm not sure me being her
is a good idea.
239
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:30,160
- l'll call you later
- Don't bother, you Christopher Casanova.
240
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,720
You had me and you lost me.
241
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,240
Don't think l'm gonna run after yo
because we are through.
242
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,520
That's right. Screw you!
243
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:49,640
Just got to get...something out of the car.
244
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,120
Don't go, Derek! l made a terrible mistake!
245
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,240
l'm not interested. You're fucking nuts!
246
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,440
No!
247
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,320
Anybody got any chocolate?
248
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,920
Old people in Britai
are abandoned in homes like this.
249
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,840
Hello, Mrs Carpenter.
250
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,440
- And how are we today
- All right.
251
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,160
Right.
252
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,040
Let's just get you up out of this chair.
253
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,160
Oop! There we are.
254
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:44,960
OK?
255
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,720
That's better.
256
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,840
This is the local pu
of out gay man Dafydd Thomas.
257
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:02,040
I thought I might be gay for a whil
until I met my lovely wife Gerald.
258
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:06,560
Hello, Myfanwy
We'd like two Bacardi and Cokes, please.
259
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:10,040
Oh. Coming right up. Who's this?
260
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,440
This, everybody, is my girlfriend.
261
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:20,160
- Your girlfriend
- That's right, Myfanwy. My girlfriend.
262
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,040
But you are a gay.
263
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,640
l know, the only gay in the village
but the people here are so anti-gayest
264
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,560
l've been forced to take myself a girlfriend.
265
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,360
l hope you're happy now.
266
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:41,360
So you won't be havin
any bum fun at all, then?
267
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:46,560
No, Myfanwy. l'm going to be living a lie
tortured by my repressed sexuality.
268
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,920
My every waking momen
is going to be a misery.
269
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,240
For l will never be able to tell he
my shameful secret.
270
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:57,760
That l am gay, gay, gay... Homosexual...
271
00:16:58,320 --> 00:16:59,840
Gay...
272
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,040
Well, l think she might know by now.
273
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,720
Oh, no. She doesn't speak a word of English.
274
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:08,640
- What's her name
- No idea. l don't speak Spanish.
275
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,040
Well, does she speak Welsh?
276
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:15,640
l don't think so. She looked bored durin
tonight's episode of Pobol Y Cwm.
277
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,720
Oh, look at her, poor thing.
278
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,520
Mm. l think she was on a rambling tou
and got lost.
279
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,320
Are you all right, love?
280
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,160
Yo estaba con mi grupo de amigo
y fuimos a la monta�a,
281
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:32,440
empec� a tomar fotos
cuando volt� mis amigos no estaban ah�,
282
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,640
ya estoy colgada aqu�.
283
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,320
Huh. Women.
284
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,040
Right. Come along, beard.
285
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,520
- See you later, Dafydd
- Goodbye, Myfanwy.
286
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,760
Well, l hope you people are satisfied.
287
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,640
My bottom for now remains sealed.
288
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,160
Thank you.
289
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,840
This shop sells paintings.
290
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,760
I myself am a great collector of art
291
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,320
and have an original at home by Van Gogh.
292
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,560
Sally Van Gogh.
293
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,920
- Hello
- Hello.
294
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,440
l did not see you there
Have you been here long?
295
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,160
No, not long. Just about a week or so.
296
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,360
Right. Can l help you?
297
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,360
l was wondering if you could help me.
298
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,960
l am looking to buy a paintin
of a disappointed horse.
299
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,840
A disappointed horse?
300
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,840
- Yes
- Well, l'm not sure, er...
301
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,440
How about this one?
302
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,040
That horse looks more perturbe
than disappointed.
303
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,840
Right.
304
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,840
This one?
305
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,640
The horse looks disappointe
but not because it received bad news.
306
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,840
lt looks disappointe
because it had high expectations
307
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,240
that have remained unfulfilled.
308
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,840
Now you say it, mm...
309
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,160
How about this one?
310
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,240
l can see the disappointment
l can see the frustration.
311
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,960
But l can also sense a flicker of hope that thing
may get better for this horse.
312
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,760
And that really isn't what l'm looking for.
313
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,640
One moment. Margaret? Margaret?
314
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,920
Yes?
315
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:30,040
This gentleman wants to know if we hav
any paintings of a disappointed horse.
316
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,960
Has he seen the perturbed one
the unfulfilled one
317
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,840
and the one that appears disappointe
but has a flicker of hope?
318
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:39,760
Yes.
319
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,240
- Oh
- Oh.
320
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,440
Oh, l've got an idea. Roy? Roy?
321
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,440
Yes?
322
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,240
lf he's looking for picture
of disappointed animal,
323
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,160
we have a very good one of a vexed kitten.
324
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,960
Oh, she says we have a very good on
of a vexed kitten.
325
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,840
l'm not sure that would make a nice painting.
326
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,640
An irked kitten, perhaps, but not vexed.
327
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,760
Oh. l don't know what to suggest.
328
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,640
Do you have any painting
featuring displeased owls?
329
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,240
Displeased...
330
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,720
Do you know, we may have just the thing.
331
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,120
Oh, where did l put it?
332
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,160
Oh, here it is.
333
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:34,960
Well? What do you reckon?
334
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:38,240
Oh, yes, that owl looks very displeased
l will take it.
335
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,240
Thought we'd never get there.
336
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:44,240
l have a painting of an inconvenienced badge
at home. l can put it next to that.
337
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,720
Oh, right. Did you buy that here?
338
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,720
No, l bought it from the inconvenienced badge
painting shop.
339
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:54,040
Oh, yes. l know it. How's business?
340
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,040
Slow.
341
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,560
Right, well, that'll be �100, please.
342
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,440
There you go.
343
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:06,720
Thank you.
344
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,360
l can't help thinking this ow
looks more disillusioned than displeased.
345
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,040
Get out or l will strangle you.
346
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,040
Goodbye.
347
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:29,440
This couple are visitin
their mind local Indian restaurant.
348
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,840
To my mind, anyon
who eats foreign food is a traitor
349
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,120
and should be shot at dawn.
350
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,640
l'll have the vegetable biryani, please
That is quite mild, isn't it?
351
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,640
And some plain rice.
352
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,440
Very good. And for sir?
353
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:48,320
Might one enquire as to the spiciest dis
upon your menu, my good man?
354
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,920
The king prawn vindaloo is very spicy, sir.
355
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:55,240
Lovely. l'll have one of those, please
Thank you, friend.
356
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,160
- Tom, you don't like spicy food
- Yes, l do.
357
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,760
- You don't
- Woman, l like it spicy. The spicier the better.
358
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,720
- Oh, that was quick
- Yeah, it's good service here.
359
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,240
Mm. Ooh, yeah.
360
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,320
Mine's delicious, how's yours?
361
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,920
S Express!
362
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:23,840
Milky, milky!
363
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,160
Supermatch game
supermatch game, supermatch game
364
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,840
You are a membe
of the rebel alliance and a spy.
365
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,240
Cup of tea and a slice of cake, Aunt Sally.
366
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:36,320
The phantom of the opera is her
inside my mind
367
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,240
Bit mild, actually.
368
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,640
Supermatch game
369
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:56,440
In St Saddam's hospital
Maggie is recovering from a kidney transplant.
370
00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:59,520
- Hello, Maggie
- Hello, dear.
371
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,760
How are you today?
372
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,640
l'm perfectly fine
l told them l'm ready to go home.
373
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:09,440
Now, Maggie, you've had a very seriou
operation. You must listen to the doctors.
374
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:11,920
l...l got you these.
375
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,440
Oh. South African.
376
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,640
l'll have those later.
377
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,440
- Mrs...Blackmore
- Yes.
378
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,440
- How's the new kidney
- It's fine, thank you, Doctor.
379
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,840
l would love to know the name of the donor.
380
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,440
l feel l should write to the famil
and thank them.
381
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:31,520
Oh, well, l shouldn't really tell you
but l believe it was a Mrs...Banerjee.
382
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,840
Maggie?
383
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,160
Are you all right, Mrs Blackmore?
384
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,560
Do you have any other kidneys lying around?
385
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,160
It's five past Nicky Nacky Noo Noo,
386
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,640
At the Houses of Parliament, Prime Minister'
Questions is taking place.
387
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:22,240
l would refer the honourable membe
to the answer l gave some moments ago.
388
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,520
The leader of the opposition.
389
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:28,560
l don't know if the prime ministe
has had an opportunity
390
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,920
to view the front pag
of the Sun newspaper today.
391
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:38,320
lt shows two photographs of the prime minister
illustrating how old and tired he looks.
392
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:44,640
Might l suggest the honourable member look
as old and tired as his policies.
393
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,120
Order! Order!
394
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:51,040
ln answer to the honourable gentleman
l've not seen the publication.
395
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,440
The prime minister may be glad to kno
l have a copy here.
396
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:56,560
Order, order.
397
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:59,760
Perhaps this is the tim
for the honourable member to retire.
398
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:08,640
This is... This is, um..
nothing but a personal attack on me.
399
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:13,640
Um... My appearance is... It's not...
400
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,760
You are beautiful
401
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,040
No matter what they say
402
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,920
Words can't bring you down
403
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,240
Yes, you are beautiful
404
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,240
In every single way
405
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,640
Words can't bring you down
406
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:38,440
So don't you bring me down today...
407
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:39,840
Sebastian...
408
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,120
Every day is so wonderful
409
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,240
Then suddenly it's hard to breathe
410
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,120
Cos we are beautiful
411
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,440
No matter what you say
412
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,120
Yes, words can't bring us down
413
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,640
No, no, no, no
414
00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:02,160
So don't you bring us down
415
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:11,240
Today
416
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:17,440
Ay
417
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:22,840
You're beautiful.
418
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,160
Thank you, Sebastian.
419
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:35,360
Can we get him working for us?
420
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:39,920
Lou and And
are sailing down the River Thames.
421
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,640
The Thames was modelle
on the opening credit's of EastEnders.
422
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,440
..to protect the city from the risk of flooding.
423
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:49,840
This is boring.
424
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,640
You've been wantin
to come on this boat trip for ages.
425
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,560
You always said the only way to see Londo
was via its ancient waterway,
426
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:00,040
like a pulsating arter
through the heart of this historic city.
427
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:02,040
- Yeah, l know
- Well, then.
428
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,840
Boring.
429
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,320
Would a choc ice make any difference?
430
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,160
Maybe.
431
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,240
l'll get you a choc ice, then.
432
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:26,840
That's a nice choc ice
that one, yeah.
433
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,160
Andy?
434
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,440
Andy? Where are you?
435
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,160
Andy?
436
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,040
Andy? Andy?
437
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:46,320
And so we conclude our journe
round Little Britain,
438
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,640
if you have found this sho
in any way distasteful
439
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:51,840
and wish to make a complaint,
440
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:55,840
please write to the Chuckle Brothers
care of CBBC.
441
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,240
Goodzye!
442
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:06,560
Andy!
443
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:13,440
by somix 2007
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