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1
00:00:02,169 --> 00:00:06,507
Britain, Britain, Britain!
Why would you ever want to leave?
2
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:11,261
Anybody who goes on holiday abroad
is a traitor! I bloody love it here!
3
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:15,933
Bloody love it!
We produce the best films, the finest cuisine
4
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:18,519
and our dogs are relatively rabies-free.
5
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:22,064
And this is all thanks to the peoples of Britain.
6
00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:26,610
Let us look at them in this programme
in which we now look at them now.
7
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:29,947
Boom, boom, shake the room!
8
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:36,453
Ten-pin bowling is a very difficult sport,
but it is easier than eleven-pin bowling.
9
00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:41,458
One, two, three...
10
00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:46,171
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
11
00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:49,424
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes... Oh!
12
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,760
Oh-ho-ho! Unlucky.
13
00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:56,557
Right. You've got one more go.
Maybe that ball was a bit heavy.
14
00:00:56,723 --> 00:01:00,102
- Do you want a different one?
- Yeah, I want that one.
15
00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:03,480
- OK. There you go.
- (PHONE RINGS)
16
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,607
Excuse me.
17
00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:09,319
Hello? Lou Todd.
18
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:11,864
Oh, hello there, Chris. How are you?
19
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,408
Yes, I've taken him bowling.
20
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:18,161
Ooh, a bit of a kerfuffle,
but he seems to be enjoying it.
21
00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:21,832
No, I'm winning. It's 75-3.
22
00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,334
I'll get him to call you back later. Ta-ra.
23
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,086
Oh!
24
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:28,672
- You've got a strike!
- Yeah, I know.
25
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:31,216
I didn't even have to help you. Well done.
26
00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:37,764
Backstage at the Blazin' Squad concert,
fans are clamouring to meet the band.
27
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:42,519
I, myself, loathe groups like Blazin' Squad.
I much prefer So Solid.
28
00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:47,441
Get out the way. Get out the way.
Get out the way. Get out the way.
29
00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:52,279
Get out the way. Get out the way! Get out
the way. Get out the way. Get out the way!
30
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:57,242
- We're with Blazin' Squad.
- Can we see your passes, please?
31
00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:01,872
No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but,
we did have passes
32
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:06,960
but Kelly Appleby burnt them because Ruth
Hubbard told her I nicked her hair scrunchies
33
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,671
but I never. Anyway, her fanny goes sideways.
34
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:12,424
Yeah, I've seen it. It's like this.
35
00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,386
No one comes in without a pass.
36
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:19,139
- Mingers to the back of the queue.
- Shut up!
37
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:22,392
- Yeah but, no but I'm on the list.
- Name?
38
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:23,936
Er...
39
00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:28,232
- Sony Records.
- I don't think so!
40
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:30,776
I so can't believe you just said that!
41
00:02:30,943 --> 00:02:35,405
I so am on the list. This guy from Sony Records
saw me dancing in the audience on ''CD:UK''
42
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:40,285
and I met Cat Deeley and she's got a really
hairy face. Anyway, he wanted to sign me up
43
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:43,080
and turn me into the next Beyonc�, but I forgot
44
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:47,584
'cause we were watching Carrie get bummed
by that bloke from Cash Converters.
45
00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:50,587
- You ain't on the list.
- Shut up! I am so am.
46
00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:53,590
- I ain't letting you in.
- No but, yeah but, no.
47
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:58,136
Blazin' Squad will well give you beatings
because I've met them already anyway
48
00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:02,683
at the Radio One Roadshow.
Remember? I got fingered by Chris Moyles.
49
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:07,479
And Jo Whiley took a dump in the sea.
Anyway, Blazin' Squad said to come backstage.
50
00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:11,400
I do know them and if Roman Gordon says
I don't, don't listen to him.
51
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:15,320
He once shoved his knob
through Miss Maynard's letterbox.
52
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,990
- Such a liar!
- Shuddup!
53
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,534
Look, I won't tell you again.
54
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,704
You're not comin' in.
55
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:28,834
All right, lads.
56
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,461
One at a time.
57
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:38,010
The game of tennis was invented in 1982
by Dr Jonathan Tennis
58
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:43,140
when he had the idea of fusing the popular
sports of badminton and swingball.
59
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,810
- Mixed doubles today?
- Yeah.
60
00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:50,063
Last week's were gorgeous.
Have to get their names.
61
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,816
They're on the board. Emily and Florence.
62
00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:55,235
Anyone for tennis?
63
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:58,155
Good afternoon.
We're here for the mixed doubles.
64
00:03:58,322 --> 00:04:00,908
- We're expecting two ladies.
- Sorry.
65
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:05,204
- No, no, that's us. Two ladies.
- Right.
66
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:09,166
Florence, do as I do.
I'm sure they don't suspect a thing.
67
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:13,795
- Ready, gentlemen?
- Have you got any balls?
68
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:16,548
No, no, we're ladies.
69
00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:20,093
- Tennis balls.
- Oh! Sorry. Silly me.
70
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,679
I thought you meant bollocks.
71
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,765
You're with me.
72
00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:30,229
All right?
73
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:33,315
Ready!
74
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,819
Oh! Ohh...!
75
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:41,365
Being a lady, I'm quite exhausted.
Aren't you, Florence?
76
00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:45,619
Oh, yes! Absolutely knackered!
Time for barley water, I think.
77
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,789
Yes, please, Florence, my dear.
78
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:55,087
Are you enjoying the game, Florence, dear?
79
00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:59,591
Oh, yes, Emily!
It's positively nail-biting, isn't it? Chin chin!
80
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:04,179
- Are you guys going to be long?
- We'll be right with you after some scones.
81
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,937
- I've had better games.
- Yeah.
82
00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:15,691
And those two
are the strangest-looking women I've ever seen!
83
00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:17,860
Do you mind?!
84
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:29,037
It is almost Terry o'clock and at this psychiatrist's
office, the session is coming to an end.
85
00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,416
I felt alone.
86
00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:37,796
And that's when we started having
a sexual relationship.
87
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:42,217
- And this is with Colin, your brother-in-law?
- Yes.
88
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,595
And what did you feel?
89
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,555
Um...guilt.
90
00:05:46,722 --> 00:05:49,099
- Shame?
- Yes.
91
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,269
(WATCH BEEPS)
92
00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:56,648
OK, we're going to have to leave it there,
but we'll talk more next week.
93
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:58,775
Thank you.
94
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:16,960
Hello? It's me! You'll never guess what -
she's only having it off with his brother!
95
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:18,462
Dirty cow!
96
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:23,425
If a policeman stops a fat person
and discovers they are carrying chocolate,
97
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:28,388
he is permitted to shoot them, hence
diet classes like this one are very popular.
98
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:32,351
Right, well, this week Pat has lost four pounds.
99
00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:35,521
- (APPLAUSE)
- Pigs CAN fly.
100
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:39,274
- I told you I'd lose a stone by Christmas.
- Next Christmas (!)
101
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:43,403
- You won't have to come here.
- Won't have to put up with Marjorie!
102
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:48,200
We'll see. OK, before we go any further,
I've got to tell you.
103
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:54,373
FatFighters has brought out a brand-new range
of delicious new low-calories puddings.
104
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:59,127
They are new and they are called Fatty Treats.
You've seen the adverts, yeah?
105
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:03,173
# Fatty Treats
Treats for the fatties...boink! #
106
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:08,929
Well, anyway, what I've got is I've got
normal �clairs and I've got new, they are new,
107
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:12,891
brand-new, low-calories
FatFighters Fatty Treats �clairs.
108
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:17,855
I want to see if we can tell the difference.
Can we have, please, a volunteer?
109
00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:21,400
Sorry, Meera,
I was just thinking of the English people.
110
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:24,486
Em...Pat, come and join me.
111
00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:27,948
- It's all right, Marjorie.
- No, you're the star slimmer.
112
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,159
Wobble, wobble.
113
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:37,499
Right. What I'm going to do is I'm going to put
this blindfold on you. All right? No peeping.
114
00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:42,462
- It's quite tight, Marjorie.
- It has to be. You fat people are devious. Liars.
115
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,548
I do mean that nicely.
116
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,884
OK, now I've got two �clairs here.
117
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:51,847
I want you to see if you can guess
which is the low-calorie one. Ready?
118
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:55,601
- I'm not really eating puddings at the moment.
- Here we go.
119
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,394
Mmm.
120
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:01,064
That IS nice, though. Very creamy.
121
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,817
OK. Now try this one.
122
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,323
- Mmm.
- Yes?
123
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,828
- Now, can you taste the difference?
- No.
124
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:21,043
No, you can't. Well, let me tell you that the
second �clair you had was a low-calorie one.
125
00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:24,379
Eh? So why don't you have another?
126
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,548
Hm? Go on.
127
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:30,552
There you go.
Why don't you have a second one? Go on.
128
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:35,140
Get them in your fat gob. Why not?
They're low-calorie. She won't put on an ounce.
129
00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:40,521
Oh, no! I've just made a dreadful mistake.
Those are the full-fat ones.
130
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:45,275
400 calories per �clair! Oh, my God!
She'll explode. Spit it out. All of it.
131
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:49,154
Quickly! All of it! Quickly! All of it! Quickly!
132
00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:52,866
All of it! Quickly! All of it!
Shame on you, Pat. Shame on you.
133
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,077
You've let everyone down.
134
00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:58,789
Right, well,
better put a couple of them pounds back on.
135
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:02,334
And we'll see you next week.
Oh, hang on a minute, Pat.
136
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:05,754
You've got a bit of cream in your hair.
Wait there.
137
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,759
There you go. Off you pop.
138
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,431
OK. Lovely.
139
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,184
Now, I want to talk to you about dust.
140
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,145
(DOGS BARK)
141
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,690
There are hundreds of dogs in Britain.
142
00:09:24,857 --> 00:09:28,652
The biggest, a Blue Setter, is as tall
as the Houses of Parliament.
143
00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:33,031
The smallest, the boodle,
is invisible to the naked eye.
144
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:38,036
- Hello, men.
- Hello, Mrs B. Just having a cuppa.
145
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,789
Yes, I thought I'd bring you some biscuits.
146
00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:44,126
- Thanks very much, Mrs B.
- There you go.
147
00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:46,503
Fetch. Fetch!
148
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:50,215
Go on. There's a good boy. There's a good boy.
149
00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:53,677
Fetch. Good boy! Good boy.
150
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:55,804
Good boy, good boy.
151
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:59,892
There's one, there's one.
Where's the other one? Where is it?
152
00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:03,520
Good boy! Who's a good boy?
153
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:06,148
One for you. Beg.
154
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,276
Beg.
155
00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:11,987
There's a good boy!
156
00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:14,531
There's a good boy.
157
00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:20,245
It is a quarter to Gran and Grandpa Moses.
158
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:25,167
That woman Viv Tudor has been requested
to attend an identity parade.
159
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,424
- OK, now take your time.
- Yeah.
160
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:36,595
- Let me know if you recognise anyone at all.
- Anyone at all, yeah.
161
00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:38,347
Yeah.
162
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,729
No.
163
00:10:49,942 --> 00:10:52,152
No. No.
164
00:10:56,240 --> 00:11:00,494
Oh, he's gorgeous! What a hunk!
Look at that scar!
165
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:04,665
- He's a wrong 'un and no mistake! Phwoar!
- Do you recognise him?
166
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,375
No, no.
167
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:12,881
No.
168
00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:20,138
Oh, he's gorgeous! What a dreamboat!
Puts me in mind of a young Omar Sharif!
169
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:24,685
- He can rob my bank any day! Phwoar!
- Was he involved in the robbery?
170
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:27,271
No, no. Shame, but no.
171
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:37,990
Oh, he's gorgeous! He can point his weapon
at me any time he likes!
172
00:11:38,156 --> 00:11:40,617
- Phwoar!
- But was he there?
173
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:43,704
- He was the one with the gun.
- Great. Thanks.
174
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:49,084
You're not gonna arrest him, are you?
You can't. Anyway, you'll never get a conviction.
175
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:52,045
- Why not?
- 'Cause he's gorgeous!
176
00:11:52,171 --> 00:11:54,590
Oh, proper gorge!
177
00:11:57,050 --> 00:12:00,762
The Prime Minister is preparing
for an important television interview.
178
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:06,351
I never watch TV, apart from ''Emmerdale'',
''Corrie'' and ''EastEnders''. And ''Hollyoaks''.
179
00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:10,105
- (DIRECTOR) Can we go in 20?
- Bzz! Bzz!
180
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:15,819
- So, um, what are you going to ask him?
- I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.
181
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,905
- Let me look.
- No!
182
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:21,533
Sebastian, I'm sure
I can handle Gavin by myself. Thank you.
183
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:27,331
OK, but promise you won't mention the man
who runs the airline giving money to the party.
184
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,499
(DIRECTOR) Three...
185
00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:35,422
Good evening. The airline scandal
that has engulfed the government
186
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:39,259
- now threatens to topple the Prime Minister.
- Oh, you bitch!
187
00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:44,389
He's here with me live in the studio. Welcome.
188
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,266
Good evening.
189
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:52,773
On Wednesday you granted exclusive
transatlantic routes to Embassy Airlines
190
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:56,944
and then yesterday it emerges
that the chairman, Sir Brian Dean,
191
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,905
donated over �1 million to your party.
192
00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:04,451
- Come on, Michael!
- The two events are completely unrelated.
193
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:07,204
He gave that money as a private individual.
194
00:13:07,371 --> 00:13:11,124
Go, Michael! Go, Michael!
Go, Michael! Go, Michael!
195
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,710
There are a lot of unanswered questions.
196
00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:16,296
- Go ahead.
- Yeah, go ahead, dear!
197
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,257
- Ssh!
- Ssh!
198
00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:24,388
Would Embassy Airlines have exclusive use of
those routes if that donation had not been made?
199
00:13:24,555 --> 00:13:27,266
Oh, give it a rest!
200
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:32,187
- I've already answered this in the House.
- In fact, we can see that footage right now.
201
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,773
- Oh, here we go!
- VT for one minute.
202
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:38,360
- Someone please get that man out.
- Don't worry, I'm going.
203
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:44,491
Gav, I only came 'cause I thought it was going to
be Paxman! He's much better-looking than you!
204
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:47,619
Paxman's not better-looking than me, is he?
205
00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:52,040
No, you're lovely.
206
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:59,882
And that was about the same time
I started seeing...prostitutes.
207
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:05,345
Do you think the paying for sex
has become an addiction?
208
00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:09,016
Yes.
209
00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:11,768
I do feel it's out of my control now.
210
00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:14,354
It's become a compulsion?
211
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,357
Definitely.
212
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:23,280
OK, well, we've actually gone over a little,
but we'll pick up on this next time.
213
00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:27,201
OK. Thanks.
214
00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:44,009
You were right! Prossies!
You have to laugh, don't you?
215
00:14:44,176 --> 00:14:46,261
I know! Dirty bastard!
216
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:59,191
It's early morning.
217
00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:06,240
In the outskirts of Slaughter,
218
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:10,577
stage hypnotist Kenny Craig
has spent the night with his girlfriend.
219
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,580
Left over right. Under.
220
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:19,336
- Are you not staying for breakfast?
- Er, I would, but Mother's bought croissants.
221
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:22,089
- I should head back.
- You did enjoy last night?
222
00:15:22,214 --> 00:15:24,967
Yes, I did. The lovemaking was top-notch.
223
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,261
Funny. I can't remember that part.
224
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:32,850
I can't find any underwear.
It keeps going missing. You haven't seen any?
225
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:37,896
Look into my eyes, the eyes,
not around the eyes.
226
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:42,067
You're under. I have not taken your underwear,
put it on in my bedroom
227
00:15:42,234 --> 00:15:44,778
and paraded in front of the mirror going,
''Ooh! Ooh!
228
00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:47,656
''Ooh! Ooh!''
229
00:15:47,823 --> 00:15:50,200
3, 2, 1. You're back in the room.
230
00:15:50,409 --> 00:15:53,954
And I can't find that red dress,
the silk one with the embroidery.
231
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:57,416
The one I wore when we went to see
''We Will Rock You''.
232
00:15:57,583 --> 00:16:01,712
Look into my eyes, the eyes.
Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes.
233
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:06,884
You're under. I did not steal your red dress,
take it home and wear it while hoovering. 3, 2, 1.
234
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:11,388
- You're back in the room.
- And I can't find those stilettos.
235
00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:15,684
Look, I bought you those.
If I wanna wear them, I'll wear them.
236
00:16:23,442 --> 00:16:28,405
- Can I take your order, sir?
- Yes, I'll have the beef carpaccio to start.
237
00:16:28,572 --> 00:16:31,575
Then the braised lamb shank.
238
00:16:31,742 --> 00:16:34,453
- Any vegetables?
- Dijon.
239
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:38,832
- Very good, sir.
- And a Yorkie. Buttered.
240
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,588
This is a drug rehab centre in Glasgae.
241
00:16:44,755 --> 00:16:50,552
I tried heroin once, but it didn't have any effect.
Mind you, I was high on coke at the time.
242
00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:53,096
OK, 20 words for heroin. Go!
243
00:16:53,263 --> 00:16:55,265
- Brown.
- Good.
244
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,434
- Smack.
- Good.
245
00:16:57,601 --> 00:17:01,980
OK, that's 20. So why are you here?
'Cause you're junkies! You're addicts!
246
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:06,443
You're scum! Get out! Go on, all of you.
Out of my sight! Stay where you are.
247
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:09,071
This is the road back.
248
00:17:09,238 --> 00:17:14,451
- Excuse me.
- Exactly. Who am I to be telling youse?
249
00:17:14,618 --> 00:17:18,622
Well, I've been there, OK?
I've done it. I've read the book, seen the film,
250
00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:22,167
bought the T-shirt and got sick all down it
because I was on drugs.
251
00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:26,755
I know what it's like to wake up so late
because of drugs that I missed ''Trisha''
252
00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:29,508
and most of ''This Morning''.
253
00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:33,053
I'm sorry about this,
but I think I'm in the wrong room.
254
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:36,014
I'm looking for the cake decorating class.
255
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:40,185
You know what this is, team?
This is the very worst kind of junkie.
256
00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:43,230
''I'm looking for the cake decorating class.''
257
00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:47,401
Maybe you are. Hundreds and thousands,
desiccated coconut,
258
00:17:47,568 --> 00:17:51,947
and a wee sprinkling of cocaine!
No more lies! No more excuses! Addict!
259
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:57,119
You're scum! You're Laurel and Hardy,
the cartoon! You're ''Grease 2''!
260
00:17:57,286 --> 00:18:02,457
OK, go to your so-called cake decorating!
Get out that door and don't come back!
261
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:04,960
Stay where you are.
262
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:07,504
We're here to help you.
263
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:14,136
The most important word youse need to learn
is ''no''. Spud, come and do a role-play with me.
264
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:20,309
Spud. Spud, you with us? Yeah?
265
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:26,607
OK, so I'm the junkie, you're the dealer.
Ask me if I want to buy any of the drugs.
266
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:29,193
- Do you want to buy any drugs?
- No.
267
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:33,530
It's as simple as that.
I really appreciate you doing that for me.
268
00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:36,158
Yeah? Eh? Eh, big man?
269
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:38,619
OK.
270
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:43,498
I don't want to be rude, but I really am here
just for the cake decoration.
271
00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:46,376
- It's just down the corridor.
- Next room along.
272
00:18:46,543 --> 00:18:49,129
- Thank you.
- Oh, of course, sorry.
273
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:53,717
They do cake decoration here on Monday.
Sorry, it used to be Wednesdays.
274
00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:58,722
Let me help you with your bag. Sorry. You don't
want to be sat here with all these junkies.
275
00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:01,808
Do you think I'm stupid?! Get back in your seat!
276
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,895
You're a junkie! You're a loser! A leech!
277
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:10,108
You're ''Carrot Confidential''! Kellogg's Banana
Bubbles! Stephen Gately's solo career!
278
00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,861
You're Carole Thatcher! Sit down!
279
00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:17,616
You're going to be fine.
OK, 15 words for cocaine. Go!
280
00:19:17,783 --> 00:19:20,369
- Coke.
- OK, that's 15.
281
00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:26,959
At this park in Bent, Dr Lawrence has brought
Dr Beagrie to observe one of his patients.
282
00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:30,671
Eh! Eh! Eeeh!
283
00:19:30,838 --> 00:19:35,467
- Anne is a very keen artist.
- Eh! Eh! Eeeh!
284
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:40,430
She's getting better all the time.
She particularly likes to draw trees and flowers.
285
00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:42,599
Eh! Eh! Eeeh!
286
00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,811
Eh! Eh! Eeeh!
287
00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:49,982
Ahhh! Oh, she's left her sketchbook behind.
288
00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:03,078
Makes me very proud.
289
00:20:04,872 --> 00:20:10,085
In his office in Troot, theatrical agent
Jeremy Rent is having a very important meeting
290
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:12,629
with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
291
00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:17,426
Tell me, Sir Andrew, was it your idea
to write ''Bergerac - The Musical''?
292
00:20:17,593 --> 00:20:21,597
Yes. Mine and Ben Elton's.
It was something he'd always wanted to do.
293
00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:25,350
It's going to be even bigger
than the one I did about cats.
294
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:27,352
- ''Cats.''
- (BUZZER)
295
00:20:27,519 --> 00:20:31,398
- Dennis Waterman here to see you.
- Lovely. Send him in.
296
00:20:31,565 --> 00:20:35,861
It would be wonderful if we could get Dennis
to play Jim Bergerac.
297
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,616
Hello! I got you a doughnut.
298
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:43,076
Oh, thank you very much.
299
00:20:50,459 --> 00:20:52,794
Who is that man?
300
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:55,506
Well, this is Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
301
00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:59,510
Oh, yes. The brother of Julian Lloyd Webber,
the famous cellist.
302
00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,678
Hello!
303
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:09,603
So, I've done ''Bergerac - The Musical''
and I'd love you to play the title role.
304
00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:12,439
Doesn't Bergerac play Bergerac?
305
00:21:12,606 --> 00:21:14,942
No, he's committed to ''Midsomer Murders''.
306
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:19,404
He's committed murder?! That is wrong and bad!
307
00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:22,407
Anyway, I'd be thrilled if you would consider it.
308
00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:26,954
This is the set for Act One -
Charlie Hungerford's house.
309
00:21:28,205 --> 00:21:30,165
Let's have a look.
310
00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:37,506
Put me down.
311
00:21:41,009 --> 00:21:43,846
It's an exact replica of the one in the programme.
312
00:21:43,971 --> 00:21:45,973
Yeah, it's great!
313
00:21:46,139 --> 00:21:48,433
You wouldn't want it any bigger!
314
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:53,730
So you want me to star in it,
write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
315
00:21:53,856 --> 00:21:56,191
No, no, I've written all the songs.
316
00:21:58,151 --> 00:21:59,486
Dennis?
317
00:21:59,611 --> 00:22:04,616
# I'm a policeman living in Jersey
Do-do-do do-do-do
318
00:22:04,783 --> 00:22:08,370
# I have a complicated relationship
with my ex-wife
319
00:22:08,537 --> 00:22:09,872
# Do-do do-do
320
00:22:10,038 --> 00:22:12,332
# I drive an old red car
321
00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:18,088
# My boss has lost his hair
I'd be so good for Bergerac - The Musical! #
322
00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:23,135
Well, it's been wonderful
to meet the both of you.
323
00:22:23,302 --> 00:22:25,888
I do have one or two other people to see.
324
00:22:27,931 --> 00:22:31,351
Wo-o-o-oh!
325
00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:33,270
O-o-o-oh!
326
00:22:33,437 --> 00:22:35,314
Careful!
327
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:39,109
- I'm very sorry.
- It's all right, Dennis.
328
00:22:39,276 --> 00:22:41,486
Safe now.
329
00:22:44,698 --> 00:22:48,035
To remain competitive,
banks now offer a wide range of services,
330
00:22:48,202 --> 00:22:52,789
including loans, insurance and, for a small fee,
they'll make love to your wife.
331
00:22:58,670 --> 00:23:01,507
Yeah, that's Perry Keen. I'll call him back.
332
00:23:03,050 --> 00:23:05,844
Hey! Not interrupting anything, am I?
333
00:23:07,930 --> 00:23:11,058
I heard you went to Prague.
Did you have a nice time?
334
00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:17,439
- Right. It's my leaving do on Thursday.
- Oh, yeah?
335
00:23:17,606 --> 00:23:21,360
We're all going bowling,
then having a bite at Bella Pasta.
336
00:23:21,568 --> 00:23:25,322
- Lovely.
- So we wondered if you fancied coming.
337
00:23:27,824 --> 00:23:31,870
- Computer says will Melanie be there?
- Yeah, she's coming.
338
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,918
Computer says no.
339
00:23:39,586 --> 00:23:41,588
(COUGHS)
340
00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:45,467
Right. If you change your mind...
341
00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:50,722
I love you.
342
00:23:52,850 --> 00:23:56,228
Like many people in Britain,
every other Wednesday I go gay.
343
00:23:56,395 --> 00:24:01,400
Dafydd Thomas is a full-time gay on his way
to his local pub for a celebration.
344
00:24:01,567 --> 00:24:05,153
- Hello, Dafydd! Fancy a bun?
- Homophobe!
345
00:24:10,033 --> 00:24:12,828
You've made me the happiest girl in the world.
346
00:24:12,995 --> 00:24:16,999
- I love you, Myfanwy.
- And I love you too, Rhiannon.
347
00:24:17,165 --> 00:24:19,209
(CHEERING)
348
00:24:27,176 --> 00:24:31,305
Oh, Dafydd, you made it!
We didn't think you were coming.
349
00:24:31,471 --> 00:24:35,601
- Sorry I'm late. I couldn't come to the church.
- Why not?
350
00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:38,187
I'm a gay! I wouldn't be welcome.
351
00:24:38,353 --> 00:24:41,523
I'm gay, and I was performing a gay marriage!
352
00:24:41,690 --> 00:24:45,736
You never know. Get a nice young man
and the vicar would marry you.
353
00:24:45,903 --> 00:24:51,200
No, thank you. If I get married, it will be
to a woman, to a life of misery and repression.
354
00:24:51,408 --> 00:24:55,370
- Please yourself, dear.
- Anyway, come and meet my friends.
355
00:24:56,371 --> 00:25:02,002
- Everyone, this is Dafydd.
- Hello, yes. The only gay in the village.
356
00:25:03,378 --> 00:25:07,382
Actually, Dafydd, we were hoping
to have a little word with you.
357
00:25:07,549 --> 00:25:12,304
Yes. We're applying for adoption
and wonder if you'll be our referee.
358
00:25:12,471 --> 00:25:13,805
Eeeew!
359
00:25:13,931 --> 00:25:16,850
But you're two minge munchers!
360
00:25:17,809 --> 00:25:21,438
- Yes.
- You can't bring up kids! It's not right.
361
00:25:21,605 --> 00:25:26,193
- I'm sorry you feel that way.
- I don't know. Gay marriage, adoption.
362
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:32,241
What's wrong with sitting at home getting moist
every time Sandi Toksvig comes on?
363
00:25:32,407 --> 00:25:35,160
We've moved on a bit since then, love.
364
00:25:35,327 --> 00:25:39,081
What do lesbians do exactly?
I mean, I don't get it.
365
00:25:39,289 --> 00:25:44,962
- We do all sorts of things.
- I was talking to the lesbians. I mean...
366
00:25:45,170 --> 00:25:48,966
- I AM a lesbian.
- You can't be! You're far too good-looking!
367
00:25:49,132 --> 00:25:54,221
- What are you talking about?
- It's just ones who can't get boyfriends.
368
00:25:54,388 --> 00:25:56,598
Piss off, you stupid little poof!
369
00:25:56,765 --> 00:26:02,521
Whoa! How dare you? I will not tolerate
homophobia in this village! Good day!
370
00:26:03,689 --> 00:26:06,149
Dirty, fat lezzies!
371
00:26:09,444 --> 00:26:14,283
In Herby,
Andy Pipkin is enjoying his annual bath.
372
00:26:14,449 --> 00:26:19,913
Right. I've planned the route to Chessington.
It's really just straight down the A217.
373
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:24,042
So if we get our skates on,
we'll be on the log flume by lunchtime!
374
00:26:24,209 --> 00:26:26,211
I don't wanna go.
375
00:26:26,378 --> 00:26:29,590
But you've been
going on non-stop about it for weeks!
376
00:26:29,756 --> 00:26:33,760
- Chessington this, Chessington that.
- Yeah, I know.
377
00:26:33,927 --> 00:26:36,305
Where do you want to go instead?
378
00:26:36,471 --> 00:26:38,265
France.
379
00:26:38,432 --> 00:26:40,434
- France?!
- Yeah.
380
00:26:40,601 --> 00:26:42,561
I thought you hated France.
381
00:26:42,769 --> 00:26:47,232
You said the French could never be forgiven
for surrendering to the Germans
382
00:26:47,399 --> 00:26:51,361
- and collaborating with the Vichy government.
- Yeah, I know.
383
00:26:51,570 --> 00:26:54,948
- Chessington it is, then.
- I wanna go France.
384
00:26:55,115 --> 00:26:57,492
Christ of a thousand years.
385
00:27:04,041 --> 00:27:06,418
I wanna go Chessington.
386
00:27:12,424 --> 00:27:15,636
And so we end our trip round Little Britain.
387
00:27:16,637 --> 00:27:19,348
If you have enjoyed this evening's programme,
388
00:27:19,515 --> 00:27:25,103
you might like to travel back in time
half an hour and watch it again. Good die!
33602
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