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1
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-You know what I've been thinking about?
-What?
2
00:00:00,841 --> 00:00:01,914
The death penalty.
3
00:00:03,605 --> 00:00:06,223
Really? That's a...
That's a very complex issue.
4
00:00:06,996 --> 00:00:08,779
So what are your thoughts?
5
00:00:09,041 --> 00:00:10,430
Well, if you're going to the chair,
6
00:00:10,442 --> 00:00:13,177
they got to give you whatever you want
for your last meal, right?
7
00:00:13,533 --> 00:00:14,425
I guess.
8
00:00:14,770 --> 00:00:16,016
I'm gonna order cereal.
9
00:00:18,251 --> 00:00:19,032
Why?
10
00:00:19,346 --> 00:00:20,590
'Cause if you keep adding milk,
11
00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:21,988
you can make it last forever.
12
00:00:23,916 --> 00:00:25,275
And they just got to wait.
13
00:00:27,357 --> 00:00:28,970
Okay, let's go back a bit.
14
00:00:29,257 --> 00:00:31,653
Why would you be going to the chair
in the first place?
15
00:00:32,351 --> 00:00:35,189
I don't know.
My DNA shows up at a murder scene.
16
00:00:36,430 --> 00:00:40,076
Because it's planted by a crooked cop or
maybe one of my teachers.
17
00:00:41,068 --> 00:00:42,502
So you'd be wrongly accused.
18
00:00:42,885 --> 00:00:44,224
Story of my life, Dad.
19
00:00:46,328 --> 00:00:48,570
Remember that water pistol
incident at school?
20
00:00:49,029 --> 00:00:50,528
But that was your water pistol.
21
00:00:50,857 --> 00:00:52,477
Yes, but it wasn't my pee.
22
00:00:56,112 --> 00:00:57,128
Morning.
23
00:00:57,629 --> 00:00:58,733
Oh, hey, how was your run?
24
00:00:59,133 --> 00:01:02,635
Great. We made it all the way to the pier
and back. Didn't we, honey?
25
00:01:05,197 --> 00:01:05,936
Yeah.
26
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:09,311
Pier... back.
27
00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:12,905
Hey, Jake,
you ever seen anybody cough up blood?
28
00:01:13,928 --> 00:01:15,474
-No.
-Then pay attention.
29
00:01:16,907 --> 00:01:17,844
Ass.
30
00:01:18,418 --> 00:01:19,205
Ass?
31
00:01:20,346 --> 00:01:21,118
Kiss...
32
00:01:22,743 --> 00:01:23,530
my...
33
00:01:25,229 --> 00:01:26,321
sweaty...
34
00:01:29,468 --> 00:01:30,748
I think I'll jump in the shower.
35
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,142
Do you want to join me?
36
00:01:33,058 --> 00:01:33,938
Can't.
37
00:01:35,234 --> 00:01:36,138
Later...
38
00:01:37,015 --> 00:01:37,966
maybe.
39
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:40,230
All right.
40
00:01:40,277 --> 00:01:41,710
Well, you drink your health shake,
all right?
41
00:01:42,409 --> 00:01:43,276
You'll feel better.
42
00:01:43,381 --> 00:01:44,274
Doubt it.
43
00:01:49,531 --> 00:01:50,541
What's in that?
44
00:01:51,186 --> 00:01:52,361
I don't know.
45
00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:54,887
Vitamins, minerals, protein...
46
00:01:55,127 --> 00:01:57,400
Whatever it is, it's flushing out
stuff I ate in high school.
47
00:02:01,494 --> 00:02:04,545
Hey, do you think they let you have
a last poop after your last meal?
48
00:02:09,064 --> 00:02:09,898
What?
49
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,426
'Cause as long as you're sitting
on the can,
50
00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:14,301
technically, you're still pooping.
51
00:02:16,341 --> 00:02:17,595
And they got to wait.
52
00:02:18,673 --> 00:02:19,849
Go get dressed.
53
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:23,567
If they made you hold one in,
that'd be cruel and unusual punishment.
54
00:02:28,526 --> 00:02:30,762
You know, I am impressed
with what you're doing here--
55
00:02:30,973 --> 00:02:32,698
exercising, eating right,
56
00:02:32,852 --> 00:02:37,158
laying off the cigars and the booze...
I mean, Mia has really done wonders with you.
57
00:02:37,203 --> 00:02:39,493
-Yeah, she's an incredible woman.
-She is.
58
00:02:39,540 --> 00:02:41,136
-And I'm a lucky guy.
-You are.
59
00:02:41,688 --> 00:02:43,649
So why is there
this little voice in my head
60
00:02:43,673 --> 00:02:45,779
that keeps whispering,
"Kill yourself! Do it now!"?
61
00:02:47,844 --> 00:02:49,863
Don't worry about that.
It's very common.
62
00:02:50,035 --> 00:02:51,244
-Really?
-Oh, yeah.
63
00:02:51,373 --> 00:02:54,520
Every man who gets into a long-term,
committed relationship hears that voice.
64
00:02:54,977 --> 00:02:57,067
Mine sounded a little like Alec Baldwin.
65
00:02:57,936 --> 00:02:58,924
I don't know why.
66
00:02:59,086 --> 00:03:01,316
Maybe it's 'cause I enjoyed him
so much in that submarine movie.
67
00:03:02,131 --> 00:03:03,794
-What was that called?
-Would you get to the point?
68
00:03:04,837 --> 00:03:06,603
Well, you have to remember
that over time
69
00:03:06,637 --> 00:03:07,805
that voice will fade,
70
00:03:07,831 --> 00:03:11,624
when you realize that what you're giving up
is nothing compared to what you're gaining.
71
00:03:11,969 --> 00:03:13,455
What exactly am I gaining?
72
00:03:13,963 --> 00:03:16,117
Are you kidding?
You're gaining a soul mate,
73
00:03:16,143 --> 00:03:18,554
someone to walk down
life's path with you,
74
00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:23,074
someone who'll always be there sharing
your hopes, your joys and your sorrows.
75
00:03:23,597 --> 00:03:24,806
You got nothing.
76
00:03:26,939 --> 00:03:28,635
It's what the minister said
at my wedding.
77
00:03:32,217 --> 00:03:33,497
Hunt for Red October!
78
00:03:35,002 --> 00:03:37,083
Episode 3x15
"My tongue is meat"
79
00:03:37,587 --> 00:03:41,022
Transcript: Raceman - Synchro: Relaxx
Corrections: Bouliii
80
00:03:43,017 --> 00:03:44,215
Back in a while, honey.
81
00:03:44,309 --> 00:03:45,624
I'm going for a power walk.
82
00:03:45,922 --> 00:03:47,149
Pace yourself.
83
00:03:47,578 --> 00:03:48,605
Don't worry.
84
00:04:45,112 --> 00:04:47,027
This is a good pace.
85
00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:51,767
Hey.
86
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:55,802
Whatcha doing?
87
00:04:56,910 --> 00:04:58,836
Nothing. Close the damn door.
88
00:05:01,996 --> 00:05:04,569
You told Mia you weren't gonna smoke
or drink anymore.
89
00:05:04,978 --> 00:05:06,262
Yeah, well, you told your father
90
00:05:06,297 --> 00:05:08,735
you weren't gonna watch
dirty movies on cable anymore.
91
00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:11,321
Don't change the subject.
92
00:05:14,459 --> 00:05:16,159
Mia's gonna be really pissed at you.
93
00:05:16,862 --> 00:05:18,168
Only if she finds out.
94
00:05:18,356 --> 00:05:19,765
And she doesn't have to find out.
95
00:05:20,109 --> 00:05:22,046
Well, I guess that depends.
96
00:05:25,331 --> 00:05:26,754
What, are you blackmailing me?
97
00:05:27,068 --> 00:05:29,764
No. I'm just saying
if you don't give me 20 bucks,
98
00:05:29,838 --> 00:05:30,915
I'm gonna tell on you.
99
00:05:33,159 --> 00:05:34,732
-That's blackmail.
-Oh.
100
00:05:35,781 --> 00:05:36,826
Well, then, yeah.
101
00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:45,150
Hi, Mom, how are you?
102
00:05:45,531 --> 00:05:46,740
Deeply hurt.
103
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:48,947
Is this about me or Charlie?
104
00:05:49,176 --> 00:05:49,981
Charlie.
105
00:05:50,002 --> 00:05:51,346
Great.
Come on in.
106
00:05:54,810 --> 00:05:56,360
Can you explain to me
107
00:05:56,642 --> 00:05:59,014
how your brother can be
in a serious relationship,
108
00:05:59,050 --> 00:06:00,858
and not only have I not met the woman,
109
00:06:01,198 --> 00:06:03,441
he hasn't even bothered
to tell me her name?
110
00:06:04,175 --> 00:06:05,796
Do you really need
an explanation for that?
111
00:06:06,546 --> 00:06:07,837
Do you want it to be about you?
112
00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:09,775
Her name's Mia.
She's in the kitchen.
113
00:06:10,824 --> 00:06:11,751
Thank you.
114
00:06:13,804 --> 00:06:15,814
Thank God I didn't know Anne Frank.
115
00:06:19,231 --> 00:06:20,135
Hello.
116
00:06:22,574 --> 00:06:23,478
Hello.
117
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,065
I'm Evelyn, Charlie's mother.
118
00:06:30,425 --> 00:06:32,233
I'm Mia, Charlie's girlfriend.
119
00:06:32,910 --> 00:06:34,213
So we finally meet.
120
00:06:34,617 --> 00:06:35,726
So we do.
121
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:38,429
One question.
122
00:06:39,345 --> 00:06:40,191
I'm listening.
123
00:06:40,583 --> 00:06:41,937
Can you fix him?
124
00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:44,317
I'm trying.
125
00:06:46,393 --> 00:06:50,783
...15, 16, 17, 18...
126
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:51,877
Jake.
127
00:06:52,895 --> 00:06:54,468
How about a hug for your grandmommy?
128
00:06:54,973 --> 00:06:55,947
No, thank you.
129
00:06:58,024 --> 00:06:59,691
One, two...
130
00:07:08,555 --> 00:07:10,316
What the hell are you doing?!
131
00:07:10,615 --> 00:07:12,439
Hey, hey, keep it down, keep it down.
132
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:15,231
Mia thinks I'm taking a power walk.
133
00:07:16,964 --> 00:07:19,436
This is a sad, sad day.
134
00:07:21,821 --> 00:07:25,719
I always figured you'd be the last guy
in the world to end up whipped.
135
00:07:27,129 --> 00:07:28,808
I'm not whipped.
I'm...
136
00:07:29,242 --> 00:07:30,346
considerate.
137
00:07:30,957 --> 00:07:31,958
Considerate?
138
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,576
Yeah. See, I love Mia
and I want her to be happy.
139
00:07:34,752 --> 00:07:36,713
And I happen to know
she's not happy when I
140
00:07:36,772 --> 00:07:40,124
smoke cigars and drink
and gamble and stay out all night and
141
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:43,423
eat meat and sugar
and grease and fat and...
142
00:07:43,890 --> 00:07:47,342
nap and swear and wear shorts
and bowling shirts...
143
00:07:47,686 --> 00:07:50,786
Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped,
you're roped, saddled and gelded.
144
00:07:50,985 --> 00:07:53,921
They could use you to give rides
at kids' birthday parties.
145
00:07:55,009 --> 00:07:57,151
-I am not whipped.
-Yeah.
146
00:07:58,621 --> 00:08:01,510
Here, you might as well take
one of these sacks since yours is empty.
147
00:08:02,661 --> 00:08:04,100
Hang on a second.
148
00:08:05,365 --> 00:08:06,800
That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
149
00:08:08,082 --> 00:08:08,665
What?
150
00:08:08,669 --> 00:08:11,675
You smell like a beer bottle
that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.
151
00:08:13,190 --> 00:08:14,294
Well, what am I supposed to do?
152
00:08:14,907 --> 00:08:16,011
Hang on,
153
00:08:16,331 --> 00:08:19,317
let's see if I got anything
in here that might mask your stench.
154
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,180
Oven cleaner?
No.
155
00:08:22,982 --> 00:08:24,321
Tidy Bowl?
No.
156
00:08:25,532 --> 00:08:28,925
How do you feel about taking a whore's
bath with a hunk of bleu cheese?
157
00:08:30,574 --> 00:08:33,927
I'm so proud of him. He hasn't had
a drop of alcohol in weeks.
158
00:08:34,067 --> 00:08:35,704
Well, that's one way to go.
159
00:08:36,119 --> 00:08:40,329
But I've found that men who drink
tend to talk less and sleep more.
160
00:08:41,286 --> 00:08:45,408
Which, frankly, becomes increasingly
desirable as the years go by.
161
00:08:49,535 --> 00:08:51,424
Oh, this can't be good.
162
00:08:52,352 --> 00:08:54,160
Hello, darling. Wonderful to see you.
163
00:08:54,794 --> 00:08:55,851
Hi, Mom.
164
00:08:58,003 --> 00:08:59,377
Have you been dusting?
165
00:09:00,847 --> 00:09:01,768
No, why?
166
00:09:02,033 --> 00:09:04,358
You reek of Lemon Pledge.
167
00:09:05,605 --> 00:09:06,688
You're welcome.
168
00:09:12,725 --> 00:09:14,123
I'll be downstairs.
169
00:09:14,962 --> 00:09:16,468
No snacking, Charlie.
170
00:09:16,788 --> 00:09:19,180
We're going to the best
vegetarian restaurant in town.
171
00:09:20,011 --> 00:09:21,303
Oh, boy!
172
00:09:34,311 --> 00:09:36,272
Oh, thank God, meat!
173
00:09:36,974 --> 00:09:38,277
I love you, Rose.
174
00:09:38,592 --> 00:09:40,216
I love you, too, Charlie.
175
00:09:40,427 --> 00:09:43,790
And may I say, I would never try
to change you the way she has.
176
00:09:44,198 --> 00:09:45,319
Her name's Mia.
177
00:09:45,399 --> 00:09:46,687
I know what her name is.
178
00:09:46,766 --> 00:09:49,419
I also know where she lives,
her employment history,
179
00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:52,201
and if you want,
I can get you photographs
180
00:09:52,237 --> 00:09:55,702
of a wet T-shirt contest she entered
during spring break, 1995,
181
00:09:55,737 --> 00:09:57,949
at a college bar called Se�or Frogs.
182
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,831
I forgot who I'm dealing with.
183
00:10:01,121 --> 00:10:03,270
I also know you have to hide
from her just to smoke a cigar
184
00:10:03,281 --> 00:10:05,219
and slam back a warm beer.
185
00:10:05,526 --> 00:10:06,860
What'd you do, bug my garage?
186
00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:08,353
Don't be paranoid.
187
00:10:08,558 --> 00:10:10,742
I have a long-standing arrangement with Jake.
188
00:10:11,626 --> 00:10:13,076
Charlie, I'm ready.
189
00:10:17,567 --> 00:10:18,829
I'm out here!
190
00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:20,297
Go, go, go, go, go.
191
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,282
Okay, I'll go.
192
00:10:22,351 --> 00:10:24,005
But I want you to remember one thing.
193
00:10:24,053 --> 00:10:26,307
-What?
-I'm not gonna wait for you forever.
194
00:10:33,196 --> 00:10:34,368
How do I look?
195
00:10:47,065 --> 00:10:48,301
How's your couscous?
196
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,372
Yum yum.
197
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,089
You know, I had quite
an interesting chat with your mom today.
198
00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:55,770
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
199
00:10:56,473 --> 00:10:59,564
I know she comes on a little strong,
but her heart's in the right place.
200
00:11:00,229 --> 00:11:03,439
If by the right place you mean in a cooler
on its way to a dying man in Tennessee,
201
00:11:03,475 --> 00:11:04,696
then we agree.
202
00:11:05,491 --> 00:11:07,161
You can't possibly mean that.
203
00:11:07,587 --> 00:11:08,679
I suppose not.
204
00:11:09,101 --> 00:11:11,061
She's too selfish to donate an organ.
205
00:11:12,284 --> 00:11:13,592
Even one she doesn't use.
206
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:16,683
That's so unfair, Charlie.
You mother loves you.
207
00:11:17,026 --> 00:11:17,977
Really?
208
00:11:18,353 --> 00:11:20,502
Did she or did she not say
I was a bitter disappointment?
209
00:11:21,141 --> 00:11:24,607
-Well, she did, but...
-And did she or did she not say
210
00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:27,070
that I'm a lazy-ass
schlock jingle writer
211
00:11:27,188 --> 00:11:30,312
who wasted 13 years of piano lessons
that she paid for
212
00:11:30,359 --> 00:11:32,916
by marrying a series of men
with large wallets and small penises?
213
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:35,755
Yes, that was mentioned.
214
00:11:37,533 --> 00:11:39,635
But it's only natural
for someone who loves you
215
00:11:39,647 --> 00:11:41,561
to want to see you
live up to your potential.
216
00:11:42,006 --> 00:11:43,791
I mean, do you really want
to be known as the guy who writes
217
00:11:43,813 --> 00:11:45,800
songs about adult diapers?
218
00:11:46,215 --> 00:11:48,369
Hey, it's better than being known
as the guy who wears them.
219
00:11:49,947 --> 00:11:53,532
Charlie, we both know you can do
so much more with your life.
220
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:56,201
Maybe,
221
00:11:56,568 --> 00:11:58,590
but you got to admire my restraint.
222
00:11:59,995 --> 00:12:00,976
Oh, come on,
223
00:12:01,277 --> 00:12:03,684
look how much you've accomplished
just since we've been together.
224
00:12:04,052 --> 00:12:05,767
You're exercising regularly,
225
00:12:05,814 --> 00:12:08,116
you've cut way down on the drinking
and you're eating right.
226
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:11,320
Did you ever think you'd be able
to change your life the way you have?
227
00:12:11,870 --> 00:12:12,880
Never.
228
00:12:15,013 --> 00:12:18,313
It just goes to show you can do
anything you put your mind to.
229
00:12:22,767 --> 00:12:23,894
I smell meat.
230
00:12:25,587 --> 00:12:26,562
Excuse me?
231
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:28,066
Your breath.
232
00:12:28,334 --> 00:12:29,737
It stinks of meat.
233
00:12:31,764 --> 00:12:34,435
Well, it-it-it could be my tongue.
234
00:12:35,311 --> 00:12:36,966
My tongue is meat.
235
00:12:37,417 --> 00:12:40,175
No, you've been eating meat.
I can smell it.
236
00:12:41,741 --> 00:12:44,548
Maybe it's this breast of
tofurkey you smell.
237
00:12:46,012 --> 00:12:47,961
No, I smell beef.
238
00:12:48,099 --> 00:12:50,336
-Where would I get beef?
-You tell me.
239
00:12:51,448 --> 00:12:52,468
Well,
240
00:12:52,697 --> 00:12:54,416
maybe it's secondhand beef.
241
00:12:54,971 --> 00:12:55,793
What?
242
00:12:56,099 --> 00:12:57,885
You know, like secondhand smoke.
243
00:12:58,339 --> 00:13:02,941
Some thoughtless guy is sitting
next to you eating a steak, and...
244
00:13:05,003 --> 00:13:06,541
Ah, screw it.
245
00:13:08,874 --> 00:13:09,710
I paid
246
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:13,008
a slightly disturbed woman to toss a bag
of bacon cheeseburgers onto the deck
247
00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:14,437
while you were getting dressed.
248
00:13:15,164 --> 00:13:19,297
-Oh, Charlie.
-Don't "Oh, Charlie" me. I was starving.
249
00:13:19,996 --> 00:13:22,469
And I'll tell you another thing.
My power walk
250
00:13:22,528 --> 00:13:26,893
was two quick beers and a half a Cuban
cigar while cowering in my own garage.
251
00:13:27,213 --> 00:13:28,922
That's why you smelled
like Lemon Pledge.
252
00:13:29,004 --> 00:13:32,245
Well, it certainly wasn't to bring out
the natural luster of my forehead.
253
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,097
So you've been lying to me?
254
00:13:34,754 --> 00:13:37,982
If by lying you mean telling you
I wasn't going to do a bunch of things
255
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:41,231
and then doing them anyway and lying
about it, then yes, I've been lying to you.
256
00:13:43,475 --> 00:13:45,483
Well, I suppose I can forgive you,
257
00:13:45,696 --> 00:13:47,722
if you promise
it'll never happen again.
258
00:13:47,805 --> 00:13:49,706
Oh, it'll never happen again.
You know why?
259
00:13:50,071 --> 00:13:52,810
Because I am done
with this whole charade.
260
00:13:53,029 --> 00:13:56,129
I'm tired of you trying to make me over
into something I'm not.
261
00:13:56,317 --> 00:13:58,634
I'm a grown man,
not a work in progress.
262
00:13:58,728 --> 00:14:00,970
-Charlie, people are staring.
-Let 'em stare!
263
00:14:01,861 --> 00:14:03,317
You guys know what I mean.
264
00:14:03,707 --> 00:14:05,399
Why can't women look at a guy
265
00:14:05,469 --> 00:14:07,964
for who he is instead of who
they can turn him into?
266
00:14:08,034 --> 00:14:09,187
Please, you're embarrassing me.
267
00:14:09,220 --> 00:14:10,124
Well, good,
268
00:14:10,230 --> 00:14:11,686
maybe now you know how I feel--
269
00:14:11,759 --> 00:14:15,816
sitting in a restaurant eating medallions
of bean curd with lawnmower sauce.
270
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:18,051
Am I right?
271
00:14:18,449 --> 00:14:22,019
No man should have to eat anything
with the word "curd" in it.
272
00:14:23,003 --> 00:14:24,804
Now, you're turning into a real ass here.
273
00:14:25,048 --> 00:14:27,269
Well, then I'm finally
living up to my potential.
274
00:14:28,674 --> 00:14:31,715
I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked,
cigar-huffing ass,
275
00:14:31,903 --> 00:14:34,400
as God in His infinite wisdom
meant me to be.
276
00:14:34,628 --> 00:14:36,334
As He meant all men to be.
277
00:14:46,443 --> 00:14:48,921
You guys are disappointing God.
278
00:14:53,009 --> 00:14:55,340
Okay, what if a cannibal's on death row?
279
00:14:56,398 --> 00:14:58,852
I guess for being a cannibal.
280
00:14:59,039 --> 00:15:02,198
And he orders Chinese for his last meal.
Does he get to eat a Chinese guy?
281
00:15:05,684 --> 00:15:06,804
No.
282
00:15:07,783 --> 00:15:11,513
What if they just electrocuted
a Chinese guy and the cannibal was next?
283
00:15:13,089 --> 00:15:14,110
No.
284
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:17,334
-He'd already be cooked.
-Stop it!
285
00:15:20,577 --> 00:15:21,736
-Hey.
-Oh, hey.
286
00:15:21,896 --> 00:15:22,964
Where have you been?
287
00:15:23,242 --> 00:15:24,591
I had a date with Mia.
288
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,360
That was two nights ago.
289
00:15:26,548 --> 00:15:28,931
Yeah, well, I stopped off in Vegas
on the way home.
290
00:15:29,998 --> 00:15:30,867
Why?
291
00:15:31,595 --> 00:15:35,082
Because that's where you go
after you destroy a relationship.
292
00:15:36,675 --> 00:15:39,448
Oh, now I understand
why Mia's been calling.
293
00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:41,198
She sounded pretty upset.
294
00:15:41,550 --> 00:15:43,234
I didn't tell her anything.
295
00:15:44,022 --> 00:15:45,805
But you'd tell Rose, wouldn't you?
296
00:15:46,173 --> 00:15:47,664
Hey, you just paid me once.
297
00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:49,722
Rose has me on something
called a retainer.
298
00:15:52,942 --> 00:15:54,469
So what happened with Mia?
299
00:15:54,797 --> 00:15:55,807
No big deal.
300
00:15:55,863 --> 00:15:58,534
I just got tired of trying
to be something I'm not.
301
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,942
-A decent, healthy human being?
-Pretty much.
302
00:16:04,603 --> 00:16:06,259
He's back.
303
00:16:06,949 --> 00:16:08,334
You're damn right, I'm back.
304
00:16:08,897 --> 00:16:10,529
Mia and I are through.
305
00:16:10,989 --> 00:16:12,102
You schmuck.
306
00:16:12,266 --> 00:16:14,309
She was the best thing
that ever happened to you.
307
00:16:14,703 --> 00:16:15,984
But you said I was whipped.
308
00:16:16,438 --> 00:16:19,118
I didn't mean dump her.
I meant grow a pair.
309
00:16:21,892 --> 00:16:22,902
What is "whipped."
310
00:16:23,723 --> 00:16:26,687
It's when a man lets a woman take over
his life and tell him what to do.
311
00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:28,166
Oh, so like you and Mom.
312
00:16:32,481 --> 00:16:33,492
No.
313
00:16:38,466 --> 00:16:39,480
Oh, hi, Mother.
314
00:16:40,313 --> 00:16:43,455
Uh, no, no, Mia's not here. He, uh,
he broke up with her.
315
00:16:44,077 --> 00:16:46,138
Yeah, schmuck seems to be
the general consensus.
316
00:16:47,730 --> 00:16:48,681
What's a schmuck?
317
00:16:49,020 --> 00:16:50,583
Any guy who's not whipped.
318
00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:51,738
She wants to talk to you.
319
00:16:51,821 --> 00:16:52,973
Well, I don't want to talk to her.
320
00:16:54,521 --> 00:16:55,876
Nice catch, schmuck.
321
00:17:00,942 --> 00:17:02,211
Hey, Mom.
322
00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:06,295
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
why am I the bad guy here?
323
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:10,275
Well, did you ever stop to consider
that maybe this wasn't my fault?
324
00:17:11,574 --> 00:17:13,880
I got to go, Mom.
My meat connection's here.
325
00:17:18,208 --> 00:17:20,521
I just think if the guy's
got a front door, we should use it.
326
00:17:21,448 --> 00:17:22,640
This is fine.
327
00:17:23,683 --> 00:17:25,468
-Hi, Charlie.
-Hello, Rose.
328
00:17:25,802 --> 00:17:26,901
What's going on?
329
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,969
Well, I just wanted
to introduce you to Gordon,
330
00:17:30,170 --> 00:17:31,286
my new boyfriend.
331
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:33,270
Oh, no kidding?
332
00:17:33,676 --> 00:17:35,331
-Hiya, Gordon.
-Hello.
333
00:17:36,001 --> 00:17:38,317
Gordon and I
are in a committed relationship.
334
00:17:38,865 --> 00:17:39,699
Right, Gordon?
335
00:17:39,743 --> 00:17:42,363
Um, yeah, I guess. Look, see?
There's stairs right over there. Just...
336
00:17:43,454 --> 00:17:44,369
Anyway,
337
00:17:45,193 --> 00:17:48,977
I was thinking that perhaps you and Mia
would like to join us for dinner one night.
338
00:17:49,058 --> 00:17:50,490
You know, double date.
339
00:17:51,263 --> 00:17:54,034
Oh, well, that's nice, Rose, but I
broke up with Mia.
340
00:17:54,896 --> 00:17:56,930
Oh, I see.
341
00:17:58,126 --> 00:17:59,781
Well, then,
good-bye Gordon.
342
00:18:14,329 --> 00:18:16,066
I think I made a big mistake.
343
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,196
I know the feeling.
344
00:18:19,085 --> 00:18:22,884
I once ate an egg salad sandwich
I left in my desk over the weekend.
345
00:18:24,685 --> 00:18:26,070
Huge mistake.
346
00:18:27,581 --> 00:18:30,656
My relationship with Mia was the best
thing that ever happened to me, and I...
347
00:18:30,806 --> 00:18:31,860
threw it away.
348
00:18:32,367 --> 00:18:34,318
That's what I should have done
with the sandwich.
349
00:18:36,173 --> 00:18:37,916
I wonder if it's too late to fix things.
350
00:18:38,626 --> 00:18:39,942
Call her and find out.
351
00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:42,999
Yeah, but if I do,
I'll be right back where I started,
352
00:18:43,152 --> 00:18:44,608
trying to be somebody I'm not.
353
00:18:45,622 --> 00:18:47,489
Okay, then find another girlfriend.
354
00:18:47,775 --> 00:18:50,181
I don't want another girlfriend.
I want Mia.
355
00:18:51,003 --> 00:18:52,165
Then call her.
356
00:18:53,361 --> 00:18:54,406
I can't.
357
00:18:55,225 --> 00:18:56,439
I can't live with her,
358
00:18:56,693 --> 00:18:57,884
I can't live without her.
359
00:18:58,322 --> 00:19:00,980
If your plane crashed in the Andes
and she died,
360
00:19:01,081 --> 00:19:02,235
could you eat her?
361
00:19:15,042 --> 00:19:16,486
Mia, it's Charlie.
362
00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:20,735
Look, you win. I'll change.
No more meat. I promise.
363
00:19:24,299 --> 00:19:26,448
Come on, Mia, come out and smell me.
364
00:19:28,636 --> 00:19:29,992
Mia's not here.
365
00:19:30,305 --> 00:19:32,015
Do I have to smell you?
366
00:19:32,742 --> 00:19:34,257
-Who are you?
-Ginger.
367
00:19:34,539 --> 00:19:36,040
So, you're Charlie.
368
00:19:36,287 --> 00:19:38,719
-Yeah. Where's Mia?
-Hang on a minute.
369
00:19:40,511 --> 00:19:42,692
She told me to give you this
if you stopped by.
370
00:19:46,601 --> 00:19:48,300
She took a job in New York.
371
00:19:48,301 --> 00:19:50,333
-Why'd she do that?
-Just read the note.
372
00:19:51,465 --> 00:19:54,048
"I love you too much to try to make you
into something you're not,
373
00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:57,367
and I love me too much
to settle for who you are."
374
00:19:58,288 --> 00:20:00,613
That's the part
that always makes me cry.
375
00:20:02,831 --> 00:20:04,088
I can change her mind.
376
00:20:04,146 --> 00:20:06,131
I'll fly to New York tonight.
Do you have her address?
377
00:20:06,392 --> 00:20:07,540
Come on in.
378
00:20:08,470 --> 00:20:10,771
-Can I get you something to drink?
-No, thanks.
379
00:20:11,516 --> 00:20:13,630
Yeah, hi. American Airlines
reservations, please.
380
00:20:13,784 --> 00:20:15,758
You sure? I got all my boys here.
381
00:20:16,157 --> 00:20:17,989
Jack, Johnny and Jose.
382
00:20:18,393 --> 00:20:20,550
Maybe a... poquito Jose.
383
00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,942
-Hey, are these actual baby back ribs?
-Yeah, help yourself.
384
00:20:26,036 --> 00:20:26,991
Thanks.
385
00:20:29,268 --> 00:20:32,151
Yeah, I need to make a reservation
for the red-eye to New York tonight.
386
00:20:32,388 --> 00:20:35,264
Hey, do you mind if I turn on the TV?
I got some money on the Lakers.
387
00:20:36,065 --> 00:20:37,017
You bet sports?
388
00:20:37,172 --> 00:20:38,238
I'll bet anything.
389
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,224
I had 200 bucks
on my sister's pregnancy test.
390
00:20:42,881 --> 00:20:44,320
How exactly do you know Mia?
391
00:20:44,505 --> 00:20:48,485
Oh, we used to do the ballet thing together,
but I didn't have the discipline.
392
00:20:48,891 --> 00:20:49,778
No kidding?
393
00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:52,420
I still dance, but
just for tips.
394
00:20:53,495 --> 00:20:54,400
Huh.
395
00:20:54,929 --> 00:20:56,068
I'll call you back.
396
00:21:00,771 --> 00:21:01,851
You know, I'm thinking
397
00:21:02,309 --> 00:21:04,504
-she probably needs her space.
-Probably.
398
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,498
Mind if I hang out and watch the game?
399
00:21:07,163 --> 00:21:08,325
Be my guest.
400
00:21:14,062 --> 00:21:16,848
If you got cash, I could give you
a lap dance at halftime.
401
00:21:20,582 --> 00:21:21,885
That'd be swell.
402
00:21:25,086 --> 00:21:27,586
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