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Hello.
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00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,096
Thank you, people of Brooklyn.
3
00:00:58,434 --> 00:00:59,935
Wow.
4
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:07,193
Come on. You know that's not my style.
5
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Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting.
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Um...
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Also, my wife, Stephanie,
is directing tonight.
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All right.
Tonight's my night, though. Okay?
9
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Actually, she is, by far,
out of the two of us,
10
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the most popular in our family.
11
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And possibly elsewhere.
12
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But, um...
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Yes, she's wonderful.
14
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,604
But we work together oftentimes,
15
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:48,651
and we'll leave and come home
at the same time.
16
00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:53,364
And one day
I came home by myself,
17
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:56,575
and when I walked in,
the alarm said,
18
00:01:56,659 --> 00:01:58,369
"Side door open."
19
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,789
And our son started yelling,
20
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:05,918
"Mommy's home, Mommy's home!"
21
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,670
That's what they call Stephanie.
22
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:14,760
And then I came around the corner
and our son Finn looked back at me...
23
00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:20,641
and then looked at his brother
and said, "It's just her."
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As if to say, "Don't even bother
25
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:34,864
even slightly turning your head."
26
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:39,285
The letdown is so monumental.
27
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,496
Learn from my mistake.
28
00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:49,837
Before Max and Finn came along,
29
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,965
people told us all of the typical things
30
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:57,177
of make sure you travel,
you're not gonna get a lot of sleep.
31
00:02:57,261 --> 00:03:01,682
Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation
32
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:05,102
that happens on a near-daily basis.
33
00:03:06,145 --> 00:03:08,856
Like, "It's just her."
34
00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:10,316
Another example:
35
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:14,111
At bedtime, I was walking upstairs
with our son Max,
36
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,906
and he asked
if I would read him a story.
37
00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:18,824
And I thought,
"Well, this will be great."
38
00:03:18,908 --> 00:03:21,619
We can just have
a little special moment together.
39
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:25,915
I'll snuggle in real close to him
and read him a book.
40
00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,416
He picks out a story.
41
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:30,711
And I'm reading the book.
42
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:33,088
He's just staring at me.
43
00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:40,471
I get to page, like, four or five,
44
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:43,557
and then he says,
"Can you leave?"
45
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,230
"Absolutely.
46
00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:52,107
Uh...
47
00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:53,776
My apologies."
48
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,905
But you could tell he was
just like, "Yeah, I get it.
49
00:03:57,988 --> 00:04:01,533
The little animal misses
its mommy or whatever,
50
00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:07,456
but, uh, I'm exhausted,
so beat it."
51
00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:15,631
Stephanie and I
were completely dead asleep
52
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:19,009
in the middle of the night
one time when Finn came in
53
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:23,013
and just wedged his little body
right between us.
54
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:25,557
Just got right in there.
55
00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:30,020
And then in the darkness,
this little voice...
56
00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:32,898
"I have two mommies?"
57
00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:45,619
I said, "Yes, you have two mommies."
58
00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:48,747
And he said,
"I don't want two mommies."
59
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:55,713
And I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh,
my gosh, this train has left the station."
60
00:04:57,047 --> 00:05:00,884
And also, because it was dark,
I couldn't make eye contact
61
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:04,179
with Stephanie to be like,
"How are we gonna deal with this?"
62
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:10,894
But then a beat later, he said,
"I want three mommies."
63
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,565
I was like, "Phew."
64
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,235
That was close.
65
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:25,325
But also, I never imagined
it would be our young son
66
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:27,578
who would open up our marriage.
67
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:37,046
But being a good parent,
68
00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:40,883
I immediately got online.
69
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,261
Started a new profile.
70
00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:48,932
Saying "Little boy
in search of third mommy."
71
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,312
"Recent photos only."
72
00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:59,693
They're seven and a half now,
73
00:05:59,777 --> 00:06:04,573
and it's starting to feel like
life is kind of normal again
74
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:09,536
because we're getting sleep
and we're going out and socializing.
75
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:13,791
We went to a movie premiere,
got home at 11:00. It was a big night.
76
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:18,670
And when we got home,
Stephanie immediately fell asleep.
77
00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:22,424
And I was up with a stomachache,
and I just thought,
78
00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:26,136
"Well, I'm not gonna bother her with this.
I'm sure it's nothing."
79
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:29,765
All of my medical issues
end up not being a big deal anyway, so...
80
00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:34,603
Why would this be any different?
81
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:40,067
And then a couple of hours pass
and it just got worse and worse.
82
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:43,570
And I just, I turned to her
and I said, "Oh, my gosh,
83
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:48,200
I'm in so much pain
and my stomach's killing me."
84
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,953
And she was really groggy and said...
85
00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:55,082
"Do you think it was
all the popcorn that you ate
86
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:57,376
at the premiere of the movie?"
87
00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:59,753
And I said, "Mm, I do not."
88
00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:07,553
"I've been eating popcorn
for almost 50 years now and, uh...
89
00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:13,433
Not consistently, but almost,
and this is not popcorn pain."
90
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:18,897
And she said, "Well,
why don't you get up, get dressed,
91
00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:20,524
and we'll go
to the emergency room
92
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,277
because I don't think
we should take any chances."
93
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,613
And I said,
"Well, I don't even know if I can walk.
94
00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,282
I'm in so much pain."
95
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:32,494
And she said, You can't walk?
Well, then I'm calling 911."
96
00:07:32,578 --> 00:07:35,873
And people of Brooklyn...
97
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:42,796
She called 911
and a gigantic fireman appeared
98
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:43,881
at our bedroom door.
99
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:48,927
This guy was over six feet tall,
had rubber boots on,
100
00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:53,098
fireman pants,
muscles out to here,
101
00:07:53,182 --> 00:07:56,143
suspenders, no shirt.
102
00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:04,443
Meanwhile, I'm lying in bed
feeling so vulnerable
103
00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:06,695
'cause I'm in terrible pain.
104
00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:09,031
Plus, I'm in my nightgown and...
105
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,374
You think I wear a nightgown?
106
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:25,255
Me, your friend Tig,
you think I wear a nightgown?
107
00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:29,134
You think I'm walking around
the house like...
108
00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:34,139
"Who is it? Who is it?"
109
00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:39,394
Because that's what you do
when you wear a nightgown.
110
00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:42,105
You find out who it is.
111
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:52,908
I think the last time I wore a nightgown
was probably 1977.
112
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:57,788
Probably had a little Pooh Bear
on the front
113
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,123
scooping honey
out of a clay pot.
114
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,418
Fully polyester.
115
00:09:03,502 --> 00:09:06,129
My mother would walk down the hall.
116
00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:09,633
"Good night."
117
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,182
Where was the fireman that night?
118
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,981
I'll tell you where he was.
119
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:29,069
I bet he was in his little bed
120
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:32,948
that was in the shape of a fire truck.
121
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:39,579
Dreaming of one day
becoming a fireman.
122
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:42,791
Anyway...
123
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,585
So I'm in bed.
124
00:09:45,669 --> 00:09:48,964
He comes over and he says,
"I want you to know,
125
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,590
I understand that
you're in a lot of pain
126
00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:53,802
and that there is an ambulance
outside if you need it."
127
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:56,930
And I said, "Ah, I appreciate that.
128
00:09:57,014 --> 00:10:01,977
I just, I don't know if I can walk.
I'm in so much pain."
129
00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:04,730
And he said,
"That is not a problem."
130
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:11,862
And he scooped me up
in those big, strong arms.
131
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:17,200
And I was like,
"Ho-ho-ho, I could get used to this."
132
00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:20,203
Bada bing, bada boom.
133
00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:27,336
Right then, I thought,
"Oh, I get it now."
134
00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,678
If you think you're shocked,
how do you think I felt?
135
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:41,058
That is not my typical type.
136
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:45,312
Oh, here's another curveball
I learned about myself that night.
137
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:46,730
Didn't know I was into this.
138
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:49,149
He had a mustache.
139
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:55,989
It wasn't just a mustache.
It was one of these.
140
00:10:58,950 --> 00:10:59,951
Yes, please.
141
00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:05,207
Don't. Don't judge me.
142
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:10,587
I feel like my demographic knows
better than most that you can fall for
143
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:14,174
and be attracted to anyone
at any point.
144
00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:17,177
And it goes every which way.
145
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,391
It's true.
146
00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:28,271
And I really had no idea
that this was my type.
147
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:35,070
I always thought if I'm ever into a guy,
it's not gonna be that guy.
148
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:40,075
I always thought he'd be
a singer-songwriter.
149
00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:44,996
A painter, a poet.
150
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:51,211
He'd have a slight build.
We'd share a wardrobe.
151
00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:55,674
But not this guy.
152
00:11:55,757 --> 00:12:01,346
But there I was, in his arms,
my body just dangling,
153
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:03,348
nightgown flowing in the wind.
154
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,352
He's carrying me down the hall.
155
00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:10,313
And I said, "Listen,
when we pass these two doors,
156
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:14,192
I need you to do me a favor
and I need you to be extra quiet,
157
00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:20,282
because if my sons wake up
and see this situation,
158
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,952
they are going to be so confused
159
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:26,955
on so many different levels."
160
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:29,374
But he was amazing about it.
161
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:31,585
You know how he is.
He is the best.
162
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:37,466
He starts tiptoeing
with me in his arms.
163
00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:39,885
He carries me down the stairs.
164
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:43,805
And my father-in-law lives with us,
and he carried me past him.
165
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:46,725
And then Stephanie had the door
of the house open,
166
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,310
and he carried me past her.
167
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:51,062
And I was just like,
"Goodbye, old life."
168
00:12:57,068 --> 00:13:02,407
We get out to the ambulance
and he gently places me on the gurney.
169
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,494
Kisses me on the forehead.
170
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:09,206
It was mutual.
171
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,585
He closes and locks the back door.
172
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,378
And then, wouldn't you know it...
173
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:20,800
"Oh, God.
174
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:24,346
Hey, uh, apparently,
175
00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:29,184
my roommate is worried about me
176
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:32,854
and wants to join us
on the ride to the hospital."
177
00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,901
"Thanks a lot, Stephanie."
178
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,821
Total buzzkill.
179
00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:44,533
But as I suspected,
180
00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:46,660
it ended up not being a big deal.
181
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:49,079
It was just internal bleeding.
182
00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:53,625
And a couple of weeks later,
Stephanie and I are at a party.
183
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:58,463
I'm telling everyone in this group
about the hot, sexy fireman
184
00:13:58,547 --> 00:14:00,966
that carried me out of the house
in the middle of the night.
185
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:02,592
I was like,
"Oh, my God, you should've seen it.
186
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:05,512
Just muscles, mustache, so sexy."
187
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:12,143
Stephanie overhears this, walks up,
and says, "I'm sorry."
188
00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:14,896
She has a look of disgust on her face.
189
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,482
She's like,
"You thought that guy was hot?"
190
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,277
"Uh, yes, I did."
191
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,738
"And this is not a matter of opinion."
192
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,742
"This is a matter of fact."
193
00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:31,413
And I don't know
if anyone here can relate,
194
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:35,750
but there is nothing more awkward
195
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:40,046
than finding out in a social situation
196
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:43,216
that you and your wife
197
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:47,095
have completely different taste in men.
198
00:14:57,439 --> 00:15:00,483
The older I get, I'm noticing
199
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,528
I think I have trouble with my hearing.
200
00:15:03,612 --> 00:15:05,238
I-I-- Something's off.
201
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:07,490
I always misunderstand a word
202
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:11,453
or miss an entire chunk
of information altogether.
203
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,997
I'll give you a couple of examples.
204
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:20,086
Uh, I was working in Toronto,
and I checked in for my flight.
205
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:24,716
And the woman behind the counter said,
"Okay, you're all set.
206
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:29,638
You can go hang out now
in the Make Believe Lounge."
207
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,772
I said, "Oh, yeah?"
208
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:42,567
"Where is that?"
209
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,571
And she said,
"It's on the fourth floor."
210
00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:48,657
I said, "Oh, is it, now?"
211
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:52,285
And she's just like,
"Mm-hmm, yeah."
212
00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:57,082
And I said, "All right, well, uh,
I guess I'm gonna head up there now."
213
00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:00,502
And the whole time,
she's just nodding her head.
214
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:01,544
"Yep. Okay."
215
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,673
I'm like, "Okay, here I go."
216
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:14,474
Okay, here's the thing.
217
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:17,560
I deal with these types of people
218
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,980
in these jobs on a near-daily basis,
219
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:25,860
and it's typically a very straightforward
exchange of information.
220
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:28,405
And with her, I thought,
221
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,157
"I've clearly stumbled
upon a little weirdo."
222
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,744
But I'll play.
223
00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:37,872
But she never said,
"I'm just kidding."
224
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:42,001
So I thought, "Okay, I have to go see
what's going on on the fourth floor."
225
00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:48,133
I press the elevator button,
go up, the doors open,
226
00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,802
and there is a huge sign that says,
227
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:55,140
"Welcome to the Maple Leaf Lounge."
228
00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,395
You know, Canada.
229
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:06,192
And I immediately cringe,
230
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:11,990
reflecting on the exchange
that I just had
231
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:13,575
where the woman clearly said
232
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:18,079
I could go hang out
in the Maple Leaf Lounge,
233
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:19,914
and I'm like, "Oh, yeah?"
234
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:23,626
"Where is that?"
235
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:28,298
"It's on the fourth floor."
236
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,175
"Okay. Is it, now?"
237
00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,429
"Mm-hmm, yes."
238
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:37,891
"Okay, well, I guess
I'm gonna head up there now."
239
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,685
"Okay."
240
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:44,105
"All right, here I go."
241
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,948
I looked clinically insane.
242
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:01,790
Another example:
243
00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:05,835
Uh, as I mentioned before,
Stephanie and I oftentimes work together,
244
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,963
and we had a meeting one afternoon
245
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:13,134
with Reese Witherspoon
and her producing partner,
246
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:16,262
and we were having a great time.
247
00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:20,892
We were all sharing stories.
We're laughing so hard.
248
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:24,103
Just really a grand old time.
249
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:28,525
And then Reese started
talking about the TV show
250
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:32,278
that she worked on
called Big Little Lies.
251
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:37,992
And she said, "Uh, yeah, I was one
of the shortest cast members of the show.
252
00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:43,373
I'm 5'2", Laura Dern is 5'10",
253
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:47,669
Nicole Kidman is six feet,
254
00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:51,089
and Shailene is 5'8"."
255
00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:54,008
And I responded, saying,
256
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:57,637
"Oh, that's interesting
'cause years ago
257
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:01,057
I dated a woman
that was six feet tall,
258
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,727
and I think she was kind of
insecure about her height,
259
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,729
so she hunched."
260
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,030
So...
261
00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:25,540
Now...
262
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:31,212
The vibe in the room tonight
263
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:35,842
is eerily similar to the vibe
264
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:38,303
in Reese Witherspoon's office that day.
265
00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:42,682
And soon after,
we wrap up the meeting,
266
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:48,062
head out, shut the door,
267
00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:51,858
and Stephanie turns to me and says,
268
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,484
"Um..."
269
00:19:56,779 --> 00:20:00,909
"What were you talking about in there?"
270
00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:10,209
And that was the moment
that I learned
271
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:14,964
that there is an actress
named Shailene.
272
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:20,720
I...
273
00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:24,849
I had never heard of her.
274
00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:36,653
Now, this is also
the moment in the show
275
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,948
where there's a pocket of people
that are like,
276
00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:44,911
"Oh, that is funny."
277
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:51,668
And then there are other people
like, "What?
278
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,715
And then I see people
lean into each other
279
00:20:57,799 --> 00:21:00,677
to be like, "Well, no, I think,"
to explain.
280
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,931
No need to explain.
That's why I'm-I'm here. I...
281
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:15,775
Let me tell you what I heard.
282
00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:22,991
I heard that Reese Witherspoon is 5'2",
283
00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:26,995
Laura Dern is 5'10",
284
00:21:27,078 --> 00:21:31,582
Nicole Kidman is six feet...
285
00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:33,418
and she leans 5'8".
286
00:21:41,175 --> 00:21:43,177
That's why I said what I said.
287
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,854
I was sitting there looking at Reese,
288
00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:57,483
her producing partner, Lauren,
and my own wife
289
00:21:57,567 --> 00:21:59,318
staring back at me.
290
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:05,074
You could tell in their eyes they were
desperately trying to connect the dots.
291
00:22:06,784 --> 00:22:09,871
To make what I had just said
makes sense.
292
00:22:13,875 --> 00:22:17,378
And I feel like
I can read a room pretty well,
293
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:21,674
and I was truly sitting there
like, "What?"
294
00:22:24,302 --> 00:22:29,807
I was also thinking,
"Oh, I'm sorry, Reese.
295
00:22:29,891 --> 00:22:34,771
You can share
your boring height story."
296
00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:42,361
"And then as soon as I share mine,
the entire room shuts down?"
297
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:50,787
I truly, in that moment,
298
00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:54,665
I truly thought I was being
a really good conversationalist.
299
00:22:56,084 --> 00:22:57,460
I was like, "Oh, interesting.
300
00:22:57,543 --> 00:23:01,798
Okay, so your friend is six feet
and she leans 5'8".
301
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:04,675
Boy, do I have a story for you."
302
00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:15,978
So again, Reese Witherspoon is 5'2"...
303
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,361
Laura Dern is 5'10",
304
00:23:23,444 --> 00:23:27,490
Nicole Kidman is six feet,
305
00:23:27,573 --> 00:23:31,994
and Shailene is 5'8".
306
00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:38,459
And I essentially just responded to that
with, "Oh, interesting.
307
00:23:38,543 --> 00:23:41,420
Um, I used to date a woman
that hunched."
308
00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:44,090
"Bye-bye."
309
00:23:48,010 --> 00:23:49,345
"Nailed that meeting."
310
00:23:52,265 --> 00:23:53,724
"We'll be in touch, Reese."
311
00:23:59,147 --> 00:24:02,024
I have no connection to Nicole Kidman.
312
00:24:02,108 --> 00:24:05,987
I don't-- I mean, I've seen her,
you know, on TV shows and in film,
313
00:24:06,070 --> 00:24:11,534
but if her friend is telling me
she's six feet and leans 5'8",
314
00:24:11,617 --> 00:24:13,202
I'm not gonna push back.
315
00:24:15,413 --> 00:24:17,999
And no matter how old you are,
316
00:24:18,082 --> 00:24:22,253
you can always learn a new word
or a new phrase.
317
00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:25,715
And I promise you, I thought
that's what was happening.
318
00:24:26,716 --> 00:24:29,886
It's like,
"Oh, okay, six feet, leans five...
319
00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:32,555
Is that what that's called? Hmm."
320
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:37,185
"I'll have to use that moving forward."
321
00:24:39,729 --> 00:24:42,732
I really... I didn't know. I...
322
00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:45,026
Yeah, I don't know Nicole.
323
00:24:45,109 --> 00:24:47,361
I'm not connected.
324
00:24:47,445 --> 00:24:53,451
The only slight connection
I have to Nicole Kidman is
325
00:24:53,534 --> 00:24:58,247
I know that there are some people
326
00:24:58,331 --> 00:25:04,045
who think I look like her ex-husband.
327
00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:11,719
But...
328
00:25:16,098 --> 00:25:21,187
I have to say, whenever I do
the "she leans," it makes me feel cool.
329
00:25:22,897 --> 00:25:23,940
Yeah.
330
00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:28,319
My back used to be so bad
that if you caught me
331
00:25:28,402 --> 00:25:32,949
a few years ago, I would
have been like, "She leans."
332
00:25:33,032 --> 00:25:39,038
But my friend highly recommended
I go to his chiropractor in Los Angeles,
333
00:25:39,121 --> 00:25:44,543
and I did, and she snapped, crackled,
and popped me back into shape.
334
00:25:44,627 --> 00:25:48,673
And she said, "I do feel like this
is gonna hold you for a few months,
335
00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:52,301
but you might be a candidate
for back surgery."
336
00:25:52,385 --> 00:25:55,471
And so I'm lying there
and she's asking me,
337
00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,306
you know,
what happened to my back.
338
00:25:57,390 --> 00:26:02,770
And I said, "Oh, I was in a car accident,
a skiing accident, snowboarding accident."
339
00:26:02,853 --> 00:26:04,605
I said, "We have these
two little roommates
340
00:26:04,689 --> 00:26:07,400
that are in the 99th percentile.
341
00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:11,779
Anytime I pick them up,
it snaps my back in two."
342
00:26:11,862 --> 00:26:15,866
And she says, "Okay, well,
if you do go meet with surgeons,
343
00:26:15,950 --> 00:26:19,078
just make sure
that you mention your accidents
344
00:26:19,161 --> 00:26:22,331
and that you're a mother or whatever."
345
00:26:24,709 --> 00:26:26,168
And she kept talking
346
00:26:26,252 --> 00:26:29,755
and telling me the important information
to tell the surgeon,
347
00:26:29,839 --> 00:26:32,300
but I was lying there thinking,
348
00:26:32,383 --> 00:26:37,430
"A mother or, slap, slap, whatever."
I was...
349
00:26:38,472 --> 00:26:40,725
What does that mean?
350
00:26:40,808 --> 00:26:43,060
And so I didn't hear anything she said.
351
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:48,024
And my brain just started going
in all of these different directions.
352
00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:50,860
And I'm just thinking,
"Does she think I'm a man?"
353
00:26:52,069 --> 00:26:56,324
And then I thought, "Oh,
maybe she thinks I identify differently."
354
00:26:56,407 --> 00:26:58,367
Uh, which, just so you know,
355
00:26:58,451 --> 00:27:03,789
I just identify as a run-of-the-mill,
old-fashioned lesbian.
356
00:27:03,873 --> 00:27:05,166
- And I...
357
00:27:05,249 --> 00:27:07,209
I don't need a standing ovation. I...
358
00:27:09,003 --> 00:27:12,965
We're all something,
and that's just what I am.
359
00:27:13,049 --> 00:27:15,968
But I was like...
360
00:27:16,052 --> 00:27:17,053
And then I thought...
361
00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:21,515
You know how you can hire
somebody to come in
362
00:27:21,599 --> 00:27:24,643
to talk about sexual harassment
in the office?
363
00:27:25,728 --> 00:27:28,272
I was really reaching here,
364
00:27:28,356 --> 00:27:33,235
and I was thinking, "Oh, maybe
there's some company you can hire
365
00:27:33,319 --> 00:27:34,153
that will come in."
366
00:27:34,236 --> 00:27:35,905
And then I stopped myself.
367
00:27:35,988 --> 00:27:39,784
I was like, there is no world
that there is a company
368
00:27:39,867 --> 00:27:44,372
that comes in to say,
"Listen, if you find yourself
369
00:27:44,455 --> 00:27:49,543
face to face with someone
or something that you can't identify,
370
00:27:49,627 --> 00:27:52,630
say what you think they are,
371
00:27:52,713 --> 00:27:56,342
and then just flap your hand
372
00:27:56,425 --> 00:28:00,513
about an inch from the nose
373
00:28:00,596 --> 00:28:02,306
and then say, 'Or whatever.'"
374
00:28:04,058 --> 00:28:05,935
"And that's the all-inclusive part."
375
00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:11,315
I was like,
"There's no possible way, Tig."
376
00:28:11,399 --> 00:28:15,486
But I could tell that
she didn't have bad intentions,
377
00:28:15,569 --> 00:28:19,281
um, which I think
is very important these days.
378
00:28:19,365 --> 00:28:22,660
Probably has always been important,
but really important now.
379
00:28:22,743 --> 00:28:26,288
And I feel like the way I could tell
380
00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:31,210
that she didn't have bad intentions
was solely from that.
381
00:28:33,254 --> 00:28:38,968
Honestly, when I drove home that day
when I was trying to solve this puzzle,
382
00:28:39,051 --> 00:28:45,057
I had a moment where I was like,
"Well, at least she did flap her hand."
383
00:28:49,854 --> 00:28:51,897
Because here's the thing,
384
00:28:51,981 --> 00:28:57,111
is a person that...
385
00:28:57,194 --> 00:29:01,824
I think that what happened was
she was looking at my face,
386
00:29:01,907 --> 00:29:04,785
and I think her sentence
got ahead of her.
387
00:29:05,995 --> 00:29:09,832
And she was just like, "So, you know,
just tell them about your accidents,
388
00:29:09,915 --> 00:29:11,917
that you're a mother-- Oh..."
389
00:29:13,377 --> 00:29:17,423
"Oh, this face could be
many different things.
390
00:29:17,506 --> 00:29:19,675
Flappity, flap, flap."
391
00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:23,262
"Flap." You know, this is not...
392
00:29:23,345 --> 00:29:24,680
This is...
393
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:26,098
This is panic.
394
00:29:26,182 --> 00:29:29,727
This is not "I'm gonna try
and hurt your feelings."
395
00:29:29,810 --> 00:29:34,690
This is "Oh, stop, rewind, flap it away."
396
00:29:35,733 --> 00:29:40,988
I don't have the vocabulary,
but flappity, flap, flap."
397
00:29:46,368 --> 00:29:49,747
I did, um...
I did end up having back surgery.
398
00:29:49,830 --> 00:29:52,958
And wouldn't you know it,
there were complications.
399
00:29:53,042 --> 00:29:55,127
I'll tell you what happened.
400
00:29:55,211 --> 00:29:58,589
They cut my stomach open,
move my insides over,
401
00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:02,301
bolt and fuse my spine,
move everything back over,
402
00:30:02,384 --> 00:30:04,386
and then zip me up.
403
00:30:04,470 --> 00:30:09,725
And I-I apologize.
I know that is a lot of medical jargon.
404
00:30:10,976 --> 00:30:13,062
But it is what happened.
405
00:30:13,145 --> 00:30:18,067
And my blood pressure dropped really low,
my insides shut down,
406
00:30:18,150 --> 00:30:22,571
and they couldn't give me
the level of pain medication I needed
407
00:30:22,655 --> 00:30:24,740
because my blood pressure
was so low,
408
00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:29,245
so I was in so much pain,
started panicking.
409
00:30:29,328 --> 00:30:32,498
Then they gave me Ativan
for the anxiety.
410
00:30:32,581 --> 00:30:35,876
And we found out in that moment
411
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,963
that I'm allergic to Ativan,
412
00:30:39,046 --> 00:30:43,884
and I started hallucinating like crazy.
413
00:30:43,968 --> 00:30:47,846
And Stephanie said the moment
that she knew something was off
414
00:30:47,930 --> 00:30:52,935
was when I was lying there
and I said, "Oh, boy."
415
00:30:57,398 --> 00:30:58,607
"Here comes boss lady."
416
00:31:01,485 --> 00:31:04,655
And she said, "First of all,
417
00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:07,324
I know you would
never use the term 'boss lady.'"
418
00:31:09,410 --> 00:31:12,162
"Second of all,
you don't have a boss lady."
419
00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:18,335
"And third of all,
there is nobody there."
420
00:31:21,130 --> 00:31:22,715
And I guess I had turned
421
00:31:22,798 --> 00:31:28,095
and tried to shoo our family cat
off of the bedside table.
422
00:31:28,178 --> 00:31:32,057
I was like, "Fluff, get down.
Get away from the vodka."
423
00:31:33,684 --> 00:31:36,061
Wasn't a bottle of vodka sitting there.
424
00:31:36,145 --> 00:31:40,357
Also, Fluff was not visiting me
that day in the hospital.
425
00:31:41,567 --> 00:31:43,819
She had actually come the day before.
426
00:31:45,571 --> 00:31:50,242
And before this moment, typically,
the doctors and nurses would always
427
00:31:50,326 --> 00:31:53,996
beeline over to me,
and they would check my vitals.
428
00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:59,043
And I look over and now they're
all standing around Stephanie,
429
00:31:59,126 --> 00:32:01,754
and I'm thinking,
"Oh, my gosh, what's going on?"
430
00:32:01,837 --> 00:32:04,131
I couldn't get a hold of my brain,
and I was like,
431
00:32:04,214 --> 00:32:06,300
"What are they talking about?"
432
00:32:06,383 --> 00:32:08,927
And then I heard Stephanie say,
433
00:32:09,011 --> 00:32:13,599
"Yeah, she's been hallucinating
on every sentence."
434
00:32:14,975 --> 00:32:16,477
And then I interrupted.
435
00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:20,939
And said, "Pfft, every other."
436
00:32:24,485 --> 00:32:30,115
Just trying to save face because I really
did not know what was happening.
437
00:32:30,199 --> 00:32:33,661
I mean, truly had no clue,
438
00:32:33,744 --> 00:32:37,623
and I've never done
hallucinogenic drug trips.
439
00:32:37,706 --> 00:32:41,335
And that's probably obvious
just by that sentence.
440
00:32:45,172 --> 00:32:49,176
The closest I've ever come
to that state of mind
441
00:32:49,259 --> 00:32:52,554
is when I'm really tired
or somebody wakes me up
442
00:32:52,638 --> 00:32:56,266
from my sleep, I'll say something
that doesn't make sense.
443
00:32:56,350 --> 00:32:59,103
And I remember
when I was in seventh grade,
444
00:32:59,186 --> 00:33:04,817
my friend was spending the night
and we were talking in the dark,
445
00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:08,654
and she was sharing something
traumatic from her childhood.
446
00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:13,659
And I woke up
because I heard myself yell,
447
00:33:13,742 --> 00:33:15,869
"There's corn dogs in the freezer!"
448
00:33:19,665 --> 00:33:20,874
And she said, "What?"
449
00:33:22,793 --> 00:33:25,003
And then I had to make it make sense.
450
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:29,550
And I said, "Oh, um...
451
00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:33,387
I just wanted to let you know
452
00:33:33,470 --> 00:33:37,850
that if you do get hungry in the night,
453
00:33:37,933 --> 00:33:40,394
we have corn dogs in our freezer."
454
00:33:42,896 --> 00:33:45,065
"But anyway, go ahead.
I was listening."
455
00:33:47,443 --> 00:33:48,610
And people of Brooklyn,
456
00:33:48,694 --> 00:33:52,281
we were not a corn dogs
in the freezer kind of family.
457
00:33:53,866 --> 00:33:55,033
So that was a close call.
458
00:33:56,827 --> 00:34:00,831
But needless to say,
I was not in touch
459
00:34:00,914 --> 00:34:04,626
with the outside world
during this stint.
460
00:34:04,710 --> 00:34:09,339
And Stephanie looked over at one point
and I had my cell phone in my hand.
461
00:34:09,423 --> 00:34:11,967
And she said, "What are you doing?"
462
00:34:13,177 --> 00:34:15,637
And I said, "I'm texting Patrick."
463
00:34:17,097 --> 00:34:20,684
And she said, "Let me see your phone."
And I said, "Why?"
464
00:34:20,768 --> 00:34:23,771
And she said, "Give me your phone."
465
00:34:24,855 --> 00:34:27,649
And if she hadn't
taken a screen grab,
466
00:34:27,733 --> 00:34:31,612
I would never have believed
467
00:34:31,695 --> 00:34:35,365
what I was about
to send to Patrick.
468
00:34:37,367 --> 00:34:43,165
He simply asked,
"Hey, how's it going in there?"
469
00:34:43,248 --> 00:34:46,919
And I responded, saying,
470
00:34:47,002 --> 00:34:52,800
"Hey, Patrick. Yeah, things
have been getting worse to a towel."
471
00:34:57,846 --> 00:35:03,519
And then in parentheses, I wrote,
472
00:35:03,602 --> 00:35:06,855
"I see tractor!"
473
00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:16,406
"Also, CHB."
474
00:35:19,326 --> 00:35:24,998
And whenever I share this story,
inevitably, somebody asks,
475
00:35:25,082 --> 00:35:29,586
"What? What is CHB?"
476
00:35:29,670 --> 00:35:33,966
And my response is,
477
00:35:34,049 --> 00:35:37,678
"What is getting worse to a towel?"
478
00:35:39,012 --> 00:35:43,725
Why does nobody have any question
about the rest of the text message?
479
00:35:45,435 --> 00:35:49,439
Everybody's just like,
"What the hell is CHB?"
480
00:35:51,650 --> 00:35:54,486
Like, what? I don't know. It's...
481
00:35:54,570 --> 00:35:57,781
I was out of my mind.
Make up whatever you want it to be.
482
00:35:59,324 --> 00:36:04,246
But I love
that I had the wherewithal
483
00:36:04,329 --> 00:36:10,335
to put parentheses
around "I see tractor!"
484
00:36:12,296 --> 00:36:18,302
Because I can only assume
that I was mid-text
485
00:36:18,385 --> 00:36:20,387
and then glanced over.
486
00:36:23,307 --> 00:36:25,309
I was like, "Whoa."
487
00:36:30,230 --> 00:36:35,277
"Okay, this has nothing to do
488
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,780
with the rest of my message,
489
00:36:38,864 --> 00:36:43,285
but, uh, I do see tractor."
490
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,457
"Also, CHB."
491
00:36:52,502 --> 00:36:56,340
And a couple of days
after I was discharged,
492
00:36:56,423 --> 00:37:00,886
I had this vague recollection
493
00:37:00,969 --> 00:37:04,848
of stopping texting Patrick
494
00:37:04,932 --> 00:37:09,519
to Google "how to spell tractor."
495
00:37:13,315 --> 00:37:15,651
I know how to spell "tractor."
496
00:37:17,027 --> 00:37:20,280
But I guess in that state of mind
I was just like,
497
00:37:20,364 --> 00:37:25,243
"Okay, I can't just be
firing off misspelled texts."
498
00:37:26,787 --> 00:37:28,705
"What will Patrick think of me?"
499
00:37:36,004 --> 00:37:38,382
I ended up going
to physical therapy,
500
00:37:38,465 --> 00:37:41,635
and I just, I want to make sure
501
00:37:41,718 --> 00:37:45,013
that my physical therapist
is not here.
502
00:37:46,181 --> 00:37:50,769
She has absolutely
zero sense of humor.
503
00:37:52,562 --> 00:37:53,939
None.
504
00:37:54,022 --> 00:37:55,023
None.
505
00:37:55,107 --> 00:37:58,318
And Stephanie calls people like that
506
00:37:58,402 --> 00:38:00,821
"people who talk to one another."
507
00:38:02,656 --> 00:38:05,242
And we do that at home
all the time.
508
00:38:05,325 --> 00:38:08,203
We'll be like,
"Good morning."
509
00:38:10,122 --> 00:38:11,248
"Good morning."
510
00:38:13,417 --> 00:38:15,502
"I've made breakfast."
511
00:38:15,585 --> 00:38:18,922
"It looks delicious. Thank you."
512
00:38:19,006 --> 00:38:21,174
"Well, I'd better be off to work."
513
00:38:21,258 --> 00:38:23,260
"Have a wonderful day."
514
00:38:23,343 --> 00:38:24,678
"I love you."
515
00:38:24,761 --> 00:38:26,346
"I love you, too."
516
00:38:26,430 --> 00:38:29,349
And that is people
who talk to one another.
517
00:38:30,350 --> 00:38:33,562
- And... yeah.
518
00:38:33,645 --> 00:38:37,107
Yes, it really does deserve
an applause break.
519
00:38:39,276 --> 00:38:41,319
So here's the thing.
520
00:38:41,403 --> 00:38:45,365
You can end up in weird positions
when you're in physical therapy,
521
00:38:45,449 --> 00:38:48,076
and it's just nice to be able
to connect with somebody.
522
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:49,578
Not with her.
523
00:38:50,912 --> 00:38:51,788
Okay?
524
00:38:51,872 --> 00:38:54,041
She wanted me to do this exercise
525
00:38:54,124 --> 00:38:59,546
that called for a very thick rubber band
around my thighs.
526
00:38:59,629 --> 00:39:05,177
And, um, she said, "To put put
the rubber band on, you step into it.
527
00:39:05,260 --> 00:39:07,387
It feels like you're putting on pants."
528
00:39:07,471 --> 00:39:08,764
But you're not.
529
00:39:10,140 --> 00:39:12,809
You're stepping into a rubber band.
530
00:39:12,893 --> 00:39:17,022
And so I had moments
where I was like, "Oh, this is f...
531
00:39:17,105 --> 00:39:17,939
Oh, sorry."
532
00:39:21,443 --> 00:39:24,446
'Cause she's just all about
strengthening the back.
533
00:39:24,529 --> 00:39:27,032
And which, of course,
that's why I'm there.
534
00:39:27,115 --> 00:39:30,660
"I'm on your side.
I just, I feel silly, and I would..."
535
00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:32,579
"Okay, nothing."
536
00:39:32,662 --> 00:39:36,291
So I get the rubber band onto my thighs,
537
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:40,796
and she said, "There's not enough room
in my office for this exercise,
538
00:39:40,879 --> 00:39:42,881
so please follow me out into the hallway."
539
00:39:46,343 --> 00:39:50,180
Again, nothing about it is silly to her.
540
00:39:50,263 --> 00:39:51,890
So I'm waddling behind her.
541
00:39:52,891 --> 00:39:55,685
And I said, "Oh, I feel so f..."
542
00:39:58,105 --> 00:40:00,398
"Does everything
have to be a joke with you?"
543
00:40:02,192 --> 00:40:03,318
"Kinda, yeah."
544
00:40:04,528 --> 00:40:05,862
"I have a mortgage, so..."
545
00:40:10,742 --> 00:40:12,119
We get out to the hall,
546
00:40:12,202 --> 00:40:14,996
and this is a large building
in Los Angeles,
547
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:16,414
very high up.
548
00:40:16,498 --> 00:40:20,127
I mean, maybe ten times
as long as this stage.
549
00:40:20,210 --> 00:40:23,046
And she said, "I want you,
with the rubber band around your thighs,
550
00:40:23,130 --> 00:40:25,298
get in this position,
551
00:40:25,382 --> 00:40:31,012
and then do this
all the way down the hall
552
00:40:31,096 --> 00:40:34,474
and then all the way back,
so forth and so on, okay?"
553
00:40:34,558 --> 00:40:36,601
She-- Nothing's funny
about this to her.
554
00:40:37,936 --> 00:40:40,564
'Cause she's just a person
who talks to other people.
555
00:40:42,274 --> 00:40:45,735
I'm just like, "Oh, my gosh.
I'm alone."
556
00:40:48,738 --> 00:40:50,824
So I'm going back and forth.
557
00:40:50,907 --> 00:40:56,913
And then here's an important bit
of information for you.
558
00:40:58,331 --> 00:41:01,293
All of the walls are glass.
559
00:41:06,590 --> 00:41:10,135
We've got doctors' offices, attorneys...
560
00:41:10,218 --> 00:41:11,052
I'm...
561
00:41:12,804 --> 00:41:16,808
Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
562
00:41:16,892 --> 00:41:21,646
I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
563
00:41:21,730 --> 00:41:22,981
Scoot down...
564
00:41:23,064 --> 00:41:25,692
I mean, I'm...
565
00:41:25,775 --> 00:41:29,946
Look, I know I'm not
the most well-known person,
566
00:41:30,030 --> 00:41:33,700
but people were recognizing me.
567
00:41:35,118 --> 00:41:37,120
Okay? And I'm just like...
568
00:41:41,583 --> 00:41:43,251
"God help me."
569
00:41:43,335 --> 00:41:47,422
Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
570
00:41:49,216 --> 00:41:53,428
While I'm scooting down the hall,
I have this other realization
571
00:41:53,511 --> 00:41:59,476
on top of everything,
where I'm like, "Oh. Oh, no."
572
00:42:00,852 --> 00:42:06,816
"None of these people
waiting to see their doctors,
573
00:42:06,900 --> 00:42:09,444
or their lawyers,
574
00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,529
none of them know
575
00:42:11,613 --> 00:42:16,493
that there's a physical therapy office
on this floor."
576
00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:25,543
I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
577
00:42:25,627 --> 00:42:29,422
I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down...
578
00:42:29,506 --> 00:42:31,633
It's like, "What the hell is Tig doing?"
579
00:42:33,218 --> 00:42:35,929
"I had the day off.
I'm checking on you."
580
00:42:37,264 --> 00:42:40,058
You've got a big trial
in the morning, buddy."
581
00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:46,314
Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
582
00:42:46,398 --> 00:42:49,567
Oh, my gosh,
that is a hit song, is it not?
583
00:42:56,366 --> 00:43:00,829
And speaking of hit songs,
you probably don't know this about me,
584
00:43:00,912 --> 00:43:05,542
but I do love to sing
and play the piano.
585
00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:09,296
And I was thinking, I actually
might do that for you tonight.
586
00:43:11,298 --> 00:43:13,258
Only if you want me to.
587
00:43:16,553 --> 00:43:21,558
Oh, look at that, perfect timing.
588
00:43:28,815 --> 00:43:31,526
So, um, I do. I...
589
00:43:31,609 --> 00:43:35,488
I love to sing and play the piano.
590
00:43:35,572 --> 00:43:36,906
Um, I...
591
00:43:36,990 --> 00:43:39,617
I don't know how to do either.
592
00:43:50,170 --> 00:43:51,296
I do. I love...
593
00:43:51,379 --> 00:43:54,966
You know, when I tell people
that I can't play the piano
594
00:43:55,050 --> 00:44:00,430
and I have a terrible voice,
they assume, oh,
595
00:44:00,513 --> 00:44:02,265
that I can't play anything.
596
00:44:03,433 --> 00:44:04,351
It's the opposite.
597
00:44:05,685 --> 00:44:07,687
I can play whatever I want.
598
00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:18,656
Thank you.
599
00:44:21,493 --> 00:44:25,455
I'm probably one of very few pianists...
600
00:44:28,458 --> 00:44:29,667
That's what we're called.
601
00:44:33,046 --> 00:44:36,800
And if you're too immature
to deal with that word...
602
00:44:37,926 --> 00:44:39,219
...then you're in the right place.
603
00:44:41,638 --> 00:44:45,725
But I think I am one
of very few pianists that you'll see
604
00:44:45,809 --> 00:44:47,060
that plays cross-legged.
605
00:45:00,365 --> 00:45:05,870
Sometimes I like to emulate,
like, a jazz pianist,
606
00:45:05,954 --> 00:45:11,960
because I feel like it kind of helps me
sound better when I, like...
607
00:45:25,348 --> 00:45:28,184
Jazz is just chaos,
and that's all this is, so...
608
00:45:36,943 --> 00:45:38,695
I mean, it kind of sounds like something.
609
00:45:42,115 --> 00:45:44,367
Clap if you're a pianist tonight
and you think,
610
00:45:44,451 --> 00:45:46,411
"Well, it does
kind of sound like something."
611
00:45:47,996 --> 00:45:49,164
Whoa!
612
00:45:50,874 --> 00:45:51,875
Thank you.
613
00:45:54,085 --> 00:45:55,670
A lot of pianists here.
614
00:45:58,798 --> 00:46:00,758
What about a pianist
that's thinking,
615
00:46:00,842 --> 00:46:03,761
"Uh, actually,
it does not sound like anything."
616
00:46:03,845 --> 00:46:05,305
- Get out!
617
00:46:07,932 --> 00:46:08,850
Get out.
618
00:46:11,019 --> 00:46:12,437
You can't take my joy.
619
00:46:18,526 --> 00:46:20,445
I mean, come on, I...
620
00:46:20,528 --> 00:46:22,030
Maybe I'll put out an album.
621
00:46:26,910 --> 00:46:29,829
And just call it
"It Kind of Sounds Like Something."
622
00:46:39,756 --> 00:46:42,675
That's universal for the song is over.
623
00:46:54,479 --> 00:46:56,940
I feel like I'm accidentally
getting good at the piano.
624
00:47:01,319 --> 00:47:02,362
Um...
625
00:47:02,445 --> 00:47:07,909
I was in Los Angeles
and I was at a party
626
00:47:07,992 --> 00:47:13,873
that was just littered
with some of the most famous people
627
00:47:13,957 --> 00:47:15,875
that you could ever imagine in your life,
628
00:47:15,959 --> 00:47:19,295
and I'm certainly not
including myself on that list,
629
00:47:19,379 --> 00:47:24,092
but on stage of this huge venue,
630
00:47:24,175 --> 00:47:29,889
there was a grand piano,
a full drum set, guitars, microphones,
631
00:47:29,973 --> 00:47:34,811
and, throughout the night,
different singers and musicians
632
00:47:34,894 --> 00:47:39,274
would get on stage,
do a few songs, and then get down,
633
00:47:39,357 --> 00:47:40,650
and then somebody else
would get up.
634
00:47:40,733 --> 00:47:45,780
You would see people
like Bruno Mars, Ariana Grande,
635
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:51,035
Melissa Etheridge, uh, Anthony Kiedis--
636
00:47:51,119 --> 00:47:54,289
so many different great, great performers.
637
00:47:54,372 --> 00:47:56,916
And Adele was there.
638
00:47:57,000 --> 00:48:02,964
And yeah, no matter how famous
anybody at this party was,
639
00:48:03,047 --> 00:48:06,467
all anybody cared about was Adele.
640
00:48:07,635 --> 00:48:09,429
And you'd just hear
the whole night, like,
641
00:48:09,512 --> 00:48:10,722
"Oh, there's Adele.
642
00:48:10,805 --> 00:48:13,766
Here she comes.
I think Adele is gonna sing next.
643
00:48:13,850 --> 00:48:16,603
Oh, she's going over by the...
She's by the stage.
644
00:48:16,686 --> 00:48:18,104
I think she's going on.
Here she comes.
645
00:48:18,187 --> 00:48:21,024
It's Adele, Adele, Adele,
Adele, Adele, Adele."
646
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:23,693
And then she never sang.
647
00:48:27,864 --> 00:48:31,451
And I turned to Stephanie
and I just said, "Pfft, I'll do it."
648
00:48:37,081 --> 00:48:39,959
And Pink was finishing her final song.
649
00:48:41,544 --> 00:48:43,796
And I walk up
to the front of the stage
650
00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:48,885
and I said,
"Hey, I wanna sing a song next."
651
00:48:48,968 --> 00:48:52,472
And she was so excited.
652
00:48:52,555 --> 00:48:54,641
She knew I did comedy.
653
00:48:54,724 --> 00:48:56,142
She didn't know I was a singer.
654
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:02,523
And she said,
"What song are you gonna sing?"
655
00:49:02,607 --> 00:49:08,029
And I said, "I wanna sing
Adele's 'Hello.'"
656
00:49:16,037 --> 00:49:18,665
She was so excited,
657
00:49:18,748 --> 00:49:23,086
I thought her face
was gonna pop off of her head.
658
00:49:29,342 --> 00:49:32,553
You can't dial in an Adele song.
659
00:49:33,596 --> 00:49:34,681
You know? So she's like,
660
00:49:34,764 --> 00:49:37,308
"Oh, not only does she sing,
she's incredible."
661
00:49:40,770 --> 00:49:43,231
And then I said,
"Here's the thing.
662
00:49:43,314 --> 00:49:46,192
I don't really know
how the song goes."
663
00:49:48,695 --> 00:49:51,698
"And so I was wondering
if you could do me a favor
664
00:49:51,781 --> 00:49:54,158
and go over
to the side of the stage
665
00:49:54,242 --> 00:49:59,205
and ask the DJ
to play Adele's 'Hello,'
666
00:49:59,288 --> 00:50:03,042
and then I'll play and sing along
to the best of my ability."
667
00:50:05,378 --> 00:50:09,382
And her face dropped
'cause she realized
668
00:50:09,465 --> 00:50:11,384
what she was dealing with
in that moment.
669
00:50:12,927 --> 00:50:14,679
But she did it.
670
00:50:14,762 --> 00:50:20,643
Pink walks over, asks the DJ
to play Adele's "Hello."
671
00:50:20,727 --> 00:50:26,649
And that is what I was thinking
I just might play for you tonight.
672
00:50:33,364 --> 00:50:36,367
I just need to warm up a little more.
Hold on.
673
00:50:50,298 --> 00:50:51,382
I actually...
You know what?
674
00:50:54,761 --> 00:50:59,515
I feel like this is a good point
in the show to apologize.
675
00:51:01,517 --> 00:51:05,313
Say a friend brought you tonight.
676
00:51:09,901 --> 00:51:10,818
I'm sorry.
677
00:51:15,406 --> 00:51:19,452
Or maybe you only know me
from my TV show One Mississippi
678
00:51:19,535 --> 00:51:22,747
or my podcast Handsome, and...
679
00:51:25,291 --> 00:51:28,252
And you're like, "Oh, she does stand-up?
What's that like?"
680
00:51:29,462 --> 00:51:30,338
It's like this.
681
00:51:42,266 --> 00:51:43,184
I'm sorry.
682
00:51:45,478 --> 00:51:48,856
I have to say, I have these moments
when I'm on stage...
683
00:51:52,193 --> 00:51:55,613
...where I, I really get in touch with
684
00:51:55,696 --> 00:51:58,115
the fact that I am somebody's mother.
685
00:52:00,076 --> 00:52:01,118
Or whatever, but...
686
00:52:05,998 --> 00:52:09,168
You understand, I have to look
at these children in the face
687
00:52:09,252 --> 00:52:12,922
and say, "I have to go to work now."
688
00:52:20,137 --> 00:52:22,598
"No, it's important.
I'm running late. I must go."
689
00:52:31,566 --> 00:52:33,734
I, um...
690
00:52:33,818 --> 00:52:36,779
I close all of my shows
with Adele's "Hello."
691
00:52:38,990 --> 00:52:42,076
And, um, I was in Honolulu,
692
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:47,039
and it's in my contract
that I have a piano on stage.
693
00:52:48,165 --> 00:52:52,378
And I was backstage
and the promoter,
694
00:52:52,461 --> 00:52:55,548
somebody came up to me
and he said, "Tig, I'm so sorry.
695
00:52:55,631 --> 00:53:01,387
I don't know how this happened,
but you're supposed to have a piano."
696
00:53:01,470 --> 00:53:04,015
And I said, "Yes, I...
697
00:53:04,098 --> 00:53:05,224
I do need one."
698
00:53:10,521 --> 00:53:13,274
And he said, um...
699
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:18,821
"I just looked at your contract
and I saw that you needed one.
700
00:53:18,905 --> 00:53:21,365
And I'm so sorry.
I don't know how this happened.
701
00:53:21,449 --> 00:53:23,784
We do have a piano.
702
00:53:23,868 --> 00:53:25,620
It's just, um...
703
00:53:25,703 --> 00:53:27,455
It's not tuned."
704
00:53:32,627 --> 00:53:34,295
I said, "Oh, that's fine."
705
00:53:36,797 --> 00:53:37,632
He said, "Really?"
706
00:53:37,715 --> 00:53:41,052
And I said, "Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
It makes no difference whatsoever."
707
00:53:42,428 --> 00:53:43,387
"Same show."
708
00:53:44,722 --> 00:53:47,767
"In fact,
every other key could be missing."
709
00:53:49,185 --> 00:53:50,102
"Same show."
710
00:53:54,065 --> 00:53:55,316
So...
711
00:53:57,401 --> 00:54:01,781
Actually, if anybody
has a specific song title
712
00:54:01,864 --> 00:54:03,950
that they would like to request.
713
00:54:09,538 --> 00:54:13,960
I love that everyone's, like, panicking,
like, trying to, like...
714
00:54:14,043 --> 00:54:15,962
"We came here for the hits, Tig."
715
00:54:21,342 --> 00:54:22,343
Any? What?
716
00:54:28,516 --> 00:54:29,809
Listen to yourselves.
717
00:54:31,060 --> 00:54:32,937
Just listen to yourselves.
718
00:54:37,650 --> 00:54:39,652
What's that?
719
00:54:39,735 --> 00:54:42,154
"Heart and Soul"
by Huey Lewis?
720
00:54:44,240 --> 00:54:45,491
No?
721
00:54:47,368 --> 00:54:48,828
Well, I'm sorry. What is...
722
00:54:48,911 --> 00:54:51,038
Who sings "Heart and Soul"?
723
00:54:51,122 --> 00:54:54,458
Wait, why does it even matter?
I don't know how to play piano.
724
00:54:56,419 --> 00:54:59,588
I can't even believe
I'm getting hung up on details here.
725
00:55:01,507 --> 00:55:05,302
Sure, I'll play "Heart and Soul." I...
726
00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:15,271
You know what?
I refuse to be treated this way.
727
00:55:16,272 --> 00:55:18,691
"It's this..."
728
00:55:21,277 --> 00:55:22,945
That feels like such a New York thing.
729
00:55:23,029 --> 00:55:24,113
Like, I feel like...
730
00:55:25,364 --> 00:55:27,950
Like at a dance rehearsal
or something.
731
00:55:28,034 --> 00:55:30,745
Like, the teacher's like,
"You know, two, three, step it up."
732
00:55:34,290 --> 00:55:39,628
Let's not forget that I don't...
733
00:55:40,671 --> 00:55:42,214
Again, here's "Heart and Soul."
734
00:55:43,257 --> 00:55:44,216
Here we go.
735
00:56:01,609 --> 00:56:03,611
That was the Huey Lewis version,
by the way.
736
00:56:08,783 --> 00:56:14,789
Okay, so before I do this,
the big finale...
737
00:56:16,415 --> 00:56:19,043
The incredible Adele.
738
00:56:21,045 --> 00:56:22,088
Such a talent.
739
00:56:22,171 --> 00:56:27,635
And I just, it's so important
that you not forget
740
00:56:27,718 --> 00:56:29,512
that I don't know
how to play the piano.
741
00:56:33,474 --> 00:56:35,184
And I have a terrible voice.
742
00:56:37,561 --> 00:56:42,399
And I know people are like,
"I know it's coming, I know it's coming.
743
00:56:42,483 --> 00:56:47,780
I bet she's a great piano player
and I bet she sings like a bird."
744
00:56:49,657 --> 00:56:51,575
That is not on the horizon.
745
00:56:56,497 --> 00:56:58,499
This is the most crucial thing.
746
00:56:59,667 --> 00:57:04,338
You cannot forget
for even a millisecond...
747
00:57:06,465 --> 00:57:10,386
that Adele was at that party.
748
00:57:28,028 --> 00:57:29,029
Hit it.
749
00:57:37,580 --> 00:57:41,375
♪ Hello from the other side ♪
750
00:57:43,586 --> 00:57:47,089
♪ At least I can say that I've tried ♪
751
00:57:49,675 --> 00:57:53,012
♪ Tell you I'm sorry ♪
752
00:57:53,095 --> 00:57:55,973
Thank you so much, Brooklyn.
753
00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:01,437
Remember, Adele was there.
754
00:58:03,856 --> 00:58:05,691
And so was Oprah Winfrey.
755
00:58:13,741 --> 00:58:17,620
People of Brooklyn,
thank you so, so much.
756
00:58:20,331 --> 00:58:22,458
Thank you so much for coming out.
757
00:58:24,668 --> 00:58:25,586
Thank you.
758
00:58:26,754 --> 00:58:28,505
Thank you. What a great audience.
759
00:58:28,589 --> 00:58:29,590
Thank you so much.
59027
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