All language subtitles for Stripes.1981.Extended.1080p.BluRay.REMUX.AVC.DTS-HD.MA.5.1-EPSiLON_en.sdh

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
This is the Army.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

It's learning how to be a soldier.
And how to be much more.

It's cold streams
that chill your bones

and a hot meal to warm you up.

It's softball and low bridges.

It's a hundred ways
to prove yourself.

This is the Army.

If you'd like to be part of it,
call this number toll-free.

That's my philosophy,
$100 shine on a $3 pair of boots.

Yes, sir.

I don't think I've ever
been this happy.

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.

I got a nice, warm cab
right here. You sure?

-MAN: Let's go. City center.
-Hey, let's go, man.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Thanks for the ride, pal.

Shit!

Ah!

Oh. God, I thought that was
a dog around your neck.

If that's humor,
don't bother.

I want to be taken to the airport.
Be very careful with the bags.

Don't scratch them.

Allow me.

Thank you.

[GRUNTS]

Would you be careful with those?

Madam, perhaps you'd like
to eat your luggage.

I'm in a hurry.

Oh, my balls. Oh, my balls.

Good morning.

This is Basic English.

My name is Russell Ziskey,

and I'm gonna be your instructor
for the next five weeks.

I want you to call me Russell, and I'm
gonna call you by your first names,

because I would have a tough time

pronouncing some
of your last names.

Okay, I know you're anxious to jump
right in and start speaking English,

but there are a couple of things
I need to know first because

I've never done this before.

So how many of you would say
you speak English fairly well

but with some difficulty?

A little English?

Yes, you speak some English?

Son of bitch. Shit.

ALL:
Son of bitch. Shit.

I've never gone this way before.

I'm sure there's a lot of ways
I've gone that you haven't.

What is your name?

John Ringer? What kind
of a name is Ringer?

Winger. I'm adopted.

I spent most of my life
in institutions.

Doesn't surprise me. You look like
a typical lowlife character to me.

Actually, I'm a photographer.
I took this job because I love people.

There's nothing I enjoy more than
meeting someone like yourself

and getting to know you,
then taking photos of you while I drive.

Will you stop?! Turn around! Watch the
road! Stop with the pictures!

JOHN:
Thank you so much.

Aren't you going too fast?

No, it's not the speed
really so much.

I just wish I hadn't drunk all
that cough syrup this morning.

Oh, my!

-We're going to be killed!
-Oh, no.

-Just keep your hands on the wheel!
-Not killed! Not killed!

[JOHN BLUBBERING]

[HORNS HONKING]

You...

You should have your license
taken away.

I am going to write
your name down

and see that it's given to
the proper authorities, G-E-R.

You're a bum!

And that's all you'll ever be,
a bum!

Well, that hurts, ma'am.

And I don't think
I want to take your abuse.

I know I don't want to take you to
the airport. How about that, huh?

[HORNS HONKING]

MAN 1:
Hey, move that cab, buddy!

MAN 2: Hey! You can't stop
in the middle of a bridge!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASH]

WOMAN:
Would you get back in the car?!

[SPLASH]

Okay. That's really very good.
I'd like to try just one more time

and then we'll call it a day.

♪ I met her on a Monday
And my heart stood still ♪

ALL: ♪ Da doo ron ron ron
Da doo ron ron ♪

♪ Somebody told me
That her name was Jill ♪

♪ Da doo ron ron ron
Da doo ron ron ♪♪

Okay, great, great.
All right, we'll see you next week.

We'll learn some new tunes.
We'll have a great time. Bye-bye.

STUDENTS:
Bye-bye.

JOHN: ♪ One of these days
Everything that I want ♪

♪ Gonna be mine ♪

♪ But if it ain't
That'll be all right ♪

♪ As long as there's sunshine
And a big ol' brew ♪♪

[ENGINE STARTS]

That's my car!

-Hey, man!
-MAN: Instant Finance.

You're late on the payments, pal.

[♪♪♪]

It's me.

-WOMAN: John, is that you?
-Yeah.

-Did you remember to get my dress?
-Yeah.

Hi, baby. You're home
a little early, aren't you?

-Yeah.
-How was your day?

Fine.

I got you a pizza too.

I had a real bad day.

Yeah. Yeah, I bet you did.

I quit my job.

I just can't take this anymore.

I know. I gotta straighten out.

-This is ridiculous.
-Right.

That's what you said last week.

You know, how much can you
straighten out in one week?

It hasn't been a week, John.
It's been six months.

Nothing's changed.

You sleep in till noon, then
you watch Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Then you drive your cab,
what, a couple hours?

You come home,
you order out food

and then you play those stupid Tito Puente
albums until 2 in the morning!

Tito Puente is gonna be dead,
and you'll say:

"I've been listening to him for years.
He's fabulous."

Then you watch movies
until dawn, and then,

then you come to bed with me.

You don't think that takes energy?
You're a sexual dynamo.

Most guys couldn't even
handle you.

I've been reading books on the
outside so I can keep up with you.

It's not funny.

You're going nowhere, John.

It's just not that cute anymore.

It's a little cute.

Come on. I'm part of a lost
and restless generation.

What, you want me to run
for the Senate?

I don't know what I want.

I just know that I don't want you.

So the basic problem is
that I'm still around?

Where's that sharp knife
we have? Anita!

I need you.

Oh, come on, John.

I knew that wasn't
gonna sound good.

-Anita.
-No.

John, no,
it's not gonna work.

I like you,
but I need something more.

I need somebody who's gonna
develop with me and grow. Goodbye.

-Who could grow more than me?
-Goodbye.

Talk about massive potential
for growth.

I am the little acorn
that becomes the oak.

You can't go!
All the plants are gonna die!

[♪♪♪]

And then depression set in.

Go away.

Hi, John.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Nice shot, John.

JOHN:
Need a little help.

Hey, can I take
your last beer?

-No.
-We'll split it.

I've had an interesting morning.

In the last two hours,

I've lost my job, my apartment,

my car and my girlfriend.

You still have your health.

JOHN: Hey. Yes, thank you.
Toss that up here.

Yo. Here we are, my man.

All right, come to papa.
Toss that thing. Let's go.

Jeez.

Thank you.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: The Army can
make you feel a lot of ways:

Tired, challenged,
trained and proud.

This doesn't look bad.

What, the Army?

You're kidding.

No. I've always thought
about joining the Army.

Bullshit.
You're not the type.

What do you mean,
I'm not the type?

I've seen the kind of guys
that enlist in the Army.

I saw them when l was working
on unemployment. They're like us.

Except they're not
as sophisticated.

Yeah, they're not
as old either.

I bet you can't do five pushups.

Five pushups?

I got $3 says
I can do five pushups.

Okay, let's go. Five good ones.
Come on.

[♪♪♪]

-Not Marine pushups.
-No, simple pushups.

[BONES CRACK]

I've never heard bones
creak like that.

That's none.

-I'm praying.
-You ought to.

Let's go.
There's a time limit here.

He's almost set.
He's eyeing that rug.

And that's one.
All right. He's off.

He's moving now. That's two.

Not that good though.

That's three.

I think you're ready
for the Special Olympics.

That's three.

-That's four.
-Four.

I was testing you.

And here goes five. Will he do it?

Congratulations.
You just doubled your money.

[SIGHS]

I gotta get in shape.

I gotta dry out,
or I'll be dead before I'm 30.

The Army's my only chance.

You could join a monastery.

Did you ever see a monk get
wildly fucked by some teenage girls?

-Never.
-So much for the monastery.

Brew.

-Thanks for splitting it.
-No problem.

You're welcome to stay
at my place if you want.

Pretty much got
that roach problem licked.

I'm going Army.

You've got some warped idea
about the Army.

You think it's like a health club
with neat uniforms or something.

I go in the Army, they turn my body
into a dangerous weapon.

They make me a black belt.

I'll come out
a human killing machine.

I think we should go
to California again and pick fruit.

-They give you money.
-Who?

The GI Bill.
Borrow all the money you want.

Will you shut up about the Army?

You borrow the money,
you buy a Winnebago.

They ship it anywhere you want.

You get lots of travel.
Kathmandu, guaranteed.

Yeah, dysentery guaranteed.

I'll be over there in Nepal
with those monkey-head chicks.

They'll all be hitting on me.
"Hey, John,

thanks a lot for keeping the Chinese
off our backs. We appreciate it.

Is there anything
we can do for you?

Oh, and by the way, handsome,

we've never been
in a Winnebago."

You figure it out.

You ever heard stories about the
gratitude of the Nepalese people?

-No.
-They'll probably teach me to levitate.

A black belt who can levitate.

-With a Winnebago.
-Check, please.

I can see you've got this
all figured out.

You're nobody's fool when it
comes to your future, John.

I'm falling apart here.

All I've got are a lot of bad habits
and a lot of bad debts.

I need some heavy discipline
in my life.

[♪♪♪]

You know who would be incredible
in the Army?

Who?

-You.
-Get out of here, I'd hate it.

You would be, man. You could go
right into Intelligence.

-I'm not going in.
-You could be a commander.

You could probably be
a general in a year.

I mean, Charles de Gaulle
was a general.

You're smarter than him.

That guy was like a member
of the steel-plate club.

I ought to run right down there
and join up, huh?

Well, I was gonna go over there.
We could use your car.

-We'd have to, wouldn't we?
-Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

You coming in?

Hey, this is a loading zone.
You can't park here.

We're not parking it.
We're abandoning it.

I can't believe
we're doing this.

Listen, if I get killed,
my blood is on your hands.

Just don't get it
on my shoes, okay?

Hello?

I'm not saying that the Army will be
able to do for you what it did for me.

All I'm saying is you get out of it
exactly what you put into it.

Now, sometimes the Army's
your best shot.

There's some questions I have to ask.
They're a little personal.

Have you ever been convicted
of a felony or a misdemeanor?

That's robbery, rape, car theft,
that sort of thing?

-Convicted?
-Yeah.

-No.
-Never convicted.

RECRUITER:
That's good. Good.

Are either of you homosexuals?

You mean, like, flaming or...?

Well, it's a standard question
we have to ask.

No, we're not homosexual,
but we are willing to learn.

Yeah, would they send us
someplace special?

I guess that's no on both.

All right, now if you'll just give
Uncle Sam your autograph here.

"Sammy, get well soon."

RECRUITER:
That's good. Now your name.

[HUMMING]

[♪♪♪]

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

I was wondering if you, uh...
Are you, uh,

you know, holding?
-No, man, I'm not.

Well, I was wondering
if you could hold something for me.

What, are you smuggling furs
or something?

[LAUGHING]

Drugs.

Excuse me.
General Hansen?

No, I'm not a general,
but may I help you?

Yes. I want to thank you
for saving my life over in Vietnam.

-I don't think that was me.
-You're right. It was Normandy Beach.

l was shot up pretty bad.

You grabbed me, pulled me
into a foxhole and patched me up.

I don't think so and I don't care
and I don't have the time.

-See this arm band? MP.
-Yes, ma'am.

Stands for military police.
Are you on one of these buses?

Not yet, ma'am.

My job is to see that
big, strong men like you

get on these buses
without getting lost.

So why don't you just move along
and get on the bus?

Did you check him off,
Louise?

You know, there's a strip search
before you get on the bus.

-Really?
-Yeah. Be careful, man.

[SIGHS]

So, what, I guess
we dig each other,

and we'll be seeing each other
around the officers' club?

Watch out for this guy.
He's a troublemaker.

-Do you have your papers?
-Yes. Here.

What happens if I refuse
to get on the bus?

Aw, you look like a sensitive,
intelligent guy.

Don't make me shoot you.

Climb aboard, soldier.

-What do you think?
-I hope we don't go to war.

Excuse me, stewardess.
Is there a movie on this flight?

[LAUGHING]

-Bus.
-A movie on this flight. Ha, ha, ha.

[♪♪♪]

Inside. Off the bus.

Off the bus. Right on inside.

Move it out, son. Move it out.

Move it out!

Off the bus.

Right on inside.

STILLMAN:
Sergeant Hulka.

Yes, sir?

At ease, sergeant.

I'm Captain Stillman,
the new company commander.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

Fine-looking group of men,
wouldn't you say so?

Boy, I hope this is the mess hall.

How's it going, Eisenhower?

Yes, sir, a fine-looking
bunch of men.

Yes, well. Get them inside

and carry on, I guess.

I'll be in my office
if you need me.

Yes, sir.

Inside.

[CLUNK]

Have that removed, corporal.

Move it out!

Men, welcome to
the United States Army.

I'm Sergeant Hulka.

I'm your drill sergeant.

Before we proceed any further,

we gotta get something straight.

Your mamas are not here
to take care of you now.

It's just you, me and Uncle Sam.

And before I leave you,

you're gonna find out that me and
Uncle Sam are one and the same.

Uncle Hulka?

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

When I tell you to move,

you'll move fast.

When I tell you to jump,

you're gonna say, "How high?"

And make no mistake.

I don't care where you come from,
I don't care what color you are,

I don't care how smart you are
or how dumb you are,

because I'm gonna teach
every last one of you

how to eat, sleep,

walk, talk, shoot, shit
like a United States soldier.

-Understand?
-Yes, sir.

[CHUCKLING]

I didn't hear you.

-Yes, sir.
-Yes, sir.

You don't say "sir" to me.
I'm a sergeant. I work for a living.

-ALL: Yes, sergeant.
-I didn't hear you.

-Yes, sergeant.
-Now that's what I wanna hear.

You think this guy's
overdoing it a bit?

[RECRUITS CHUCKLING]

You got a problem, boy?

No problem, sergeant.

On your feet, boy.

What's your problem, boy?

l was just making a joke, sergeant.

Well, why don't you tell me
your joke, son?

I don't think
you'd think it's funny, sir.

Sergeant.

How do you know?

I got a hell of a sense of humor.
Ain't I, Corporal Briggs?

Yes, sergeant!

Corporal Briggs,
we have a comedian in our midst.

Will you take
this comedian outside

and watch him do 50 pushups?

Get your goat-smelling ass
out of here!

[RECRUITS LAUGH]

Move it!

Hut, ho, hut!

Anybody else want to be
a comedian in here?

-ALL: No, sergeant.
-I didn't hear you!

No, sergeant!

[♪♪♪]

You look good.

♪ Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna
Krishna, Krishna ♪♪

Shut up!
Just shut up, will you!

-RUSSELL: I didn't mean it.
-OX: How come yours is so long?

Fifteen and a half.

[♪♪♪]

Thirty-three.

Forty-two.

-Thirty-seven.
-Thirty-seven?

Step down.
Grab your papers.

These are 34s,
and they're loose.

I gotta live with 37?

Sergeant Hulka?

I'm sorry about what happened
at the meeting.

I certainly meant no offense by it.
It won't happen again.

MAN:
Keep it moving! Let's go!

-Think he bought it?
-No.

Huh.

Boxer or jockey?

You got something in a low-rise
bikini? Mesh, if possible.

So where you from, Tex?

Don't you ever
touch me again, ever.

This is pretty sweet.
Free clothing.

Look at this stuff. Chicks in New York
paying top dollar for this garbage.

How about that lunch?
What was that brown stuff?

All right, men, fall in alongside
this roadway in a column of two.

Fall in!

Move it! Move it!

RUSSELL:
Hi.

Move it!

You know something, soldier.
I've noticed you're always last.

-I'm pacing myself, sergeant.
-Move it!

Hold it!

MAN:
Sorry.

Left face!

Left, right, left, right.

You stand in place.

Forward march!

Hey, we're walking.

Left, right, left, right, left, right.

[CHANTING]

♪ There she was
Just a-walkin' down the street ♪

BOTH: ♪ Singin', "Doo wah diddy
Diddy dum diddy doo" ♪

RUSSELL: ♪ Poppin' her fingers
And shufflin' her feet ♪

MEN: ♪ Singin', "Doo wah diddy
Diddy dum diddy doo" ♪

-RUSSELL: ♪ She looked good ♪
-♪ She looked good ♪

-♪ She looked fine ♪
-MEN: ♪ She looked fine ♪

ALL: ♪ She looked good
She looked fine ♪

♪ And I nearly lost my mind ♪

♪ Before I knew it
She was walkin' next to me ♪

ALL: ♪ Singin', "Doo wah diddy
Diddy dum diddy doo" ♪

♪ Holdin' my hand
Just as gentle as can be ♪

ALL: ♪ Singin', "Doo wah diddy
Diddy dum diddy doo" ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

My name's Howard J. Turkstra.
I'm from Kansas City.

My hobbies are fast cars
and fast women.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Because... That's why guys in
my car club call me "The Cruiser."

Should call him
"The Dork."

Knock it off.

Go ahead.

I joined the Army because my father
and my brother were in the Army.

I thought I'd better join
before I got drafted.

[MEN MURMURING]

Son, uh,
there ain't no draft no more.

There was one?

[LAUGHING]

What a jerk.

HULKA:
Next.

The name's Francis Soyer.

But everybody calls me Psycho.

Any of you guys call me Francis,
and I'll kill you.

Ooh.

You just made the list, buddy.

And I don't like nobody
touching my stuff!

So just keep your meat hooks off.

If I catch any of you guys
in my stuff, I'll kill you.

Also, I don't like
nobody touching me.

Now, any of you homos

touch me, and I'll kill you.

[LAUGHING]

Lighten up, Francis.

You're all in this together.

One of these men may save your life
one of these days, understand?

Then again, maybe one of us won't.

[MEN LAUGHING]

-You, go ahead.
-Me?

Yeah.

My name's Dewey Oxberger.
My friends call me Ox.

You might have noticed
I've got a slight weight problem.

-RUSSELL: No.
-OX: Yeah, I do.

Anyway, I went to this doctor.

Well, he told me I swallowed
a lot of aggression,

along with a lot of pizzas.
Ha, ha, ha.

Pizzas!

I'm basically a shy person.

I'm a shy guy,

and he suggested taking one
of these aggression-training courses.

You know, these aggressive-training
courses like EST, those type of things.

Anyway, it costs 400 bucks
to join this thing.

Well, I... Pfft.
I didn't have the money.

And I thought to myself,
"Join the Army. It's free."

So I figured while I'm here
I'll lose a few pounds.

You got a six- to eight-week training
program here, a tough one.

Which is perfect for me.

I'm gonna walk out of here
a lean, mean, fighting machine.

[MEN LAUGHING]

-Good thinking, Ox. Real good.
-It is.

Ziskey.

I've always been kind
of a pacifist.

When I was a kid my father told me,
"Never hit anyone in anger

unless you're absolutely sure
you can get away with it."

I don't know what kind
of soldier I'll make,

but I want you guys to know

that if we ever get into
real heavy combat,

I'll be right behind you guys
every step of the way.

Okay, Mr. Pushups.
Let's hear your story.

Chicks dig me because
I rarely wear underwear,

and when I do,
it's usually something unusual.

But now I know why I have always
lost women to guys like you.

It's not just the uniform.

It's the stories that you tell.

So much fun and imagination.

Lee Harvey,

you are a madman.

When you stole that cow,

and your friends tried
to make it with the cow.

I want to party with you, cowboy.

The two of us together,
forget it.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

I'm gonna volunteer my leadership
to this platoon.

An Army without leaders
is like a foot

without a big toe.

And Sergeant Hulka isn't
always gonna be there

to be that big toe for us.

I think that we owe
a big round of applause

to our newest, bestest buddy

and big toe,

Sergeant Hulka.

[CHATTERING]

[LAUGHS]

Well, okay, hotshot.

We're gonna see what kind
of soldier you are.

Reveille is 0500.

We're gonna fall out
with locker boxes

and we're gonna have
a locker-box inspection.

And then we're gonna do 10 miles,
rain or shine.

[MEN GROAN]

So you better hit them bunks,
my little babies,

or Sergeant Hulka with the big toe

is gonna see how far
he can stick it up your ass.

[BUGLE PLAYING "REVEILLE"]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Out of them bunks!

[MEN CHATTERING
AND GROANING]

We got a full day ahead of us.

We're gonna start out
with a five-mile run.

I know I'm speaking for
the entire platoon when I say

this run should be postponed
until this platoon is better rested.

Well, I'll tell you what, soldier.
Let's make it 10 miles.

[MEN GROAN]

Any more complaints?

Thanks a lot, Winger!

Nice going, asshole.

You're making friends fast
around here, John.

[IMITATING TANK ENGINE
REVVING AND GUNFIRE]

Oh, my-- Oh, my God! Mama!

Captain Stillman.

Major Ellis would like you to look over
these interim reports, captain, sir.

Interim reports!

That's all I ever do
around here.

I want some action!

Hold that, corporal.

Oh, look at those men.

Are those my men, corporal?

No, sir. Those are
Captain Benton's men, sir.

Well, where are my men?

Let's see. Sergeant Hulka
is on the confidence course.

Sergeant Crocker
is on the mortar range.

Terrific. Corporal,
bring up the jeep.

Yes, sir.

MAN:
Grenade!

[EXPLOSION]

[YELLING]

Go get them!

Those are damn fine men.
Are they in my company?

No, sir. Oh, here come
your men now, sir.

[SCREAMING AND WHOOPING]

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

HULKA:
Hit it!

[GRUNTS]

Hit it!

[SCREAMING]

Hit it!

[SCREAMING]

JOHN: Stand up when
I'm sticking you, boy!

Get down and give me 50, mother!

Come on! I'll walk on your ass, boy!
I was killing--

Fifteen, 16, 17...

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

[OX GRUNTING]

Twenty-seven, 28...

Wait a minute.

-You got the light one.
-Yeah, my mistake.

-Yeah.
-Here, let's switch.

-I kind of thought it was a mistake.
-I got it.

It's real heavy.

This one's light.
Stand out of the way.

[GUNSHOT]

Fall out!

-Stop! Fall in!
-Hey, sergeant, it's raining.

Sergeant, I think it's a bad idea
to march today.

You know, this is
the cold and flu season.

Fifty-one, 52...

-When's the good part, John?
-This is the good part.

Get your butt down, soldier. You'll get it
shot off someday. Move it!

Move it!

MEN:
♪ Pick a service ♪

♪ Pick a challenge ♪

♪ Set yourself apart ♪

♪ Army, Navy ♪

♪ Air Force, Marines ♪

♪ What a great day ♪

♪ It's a great way
To start ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

You all right?

I should've kept my head down.

I learned a lot of things today,
John.

I've never felt more alive
in my whole life.

I think this is the greatest day
I've ever spent.

And I want to thank you
for making me join the Army.

Get me out of here.

I'll take care of you.

Going south today?
All right.

-So, what are you taking?
-Oh, I got these from Elmo.

I told him I get sick when I fly.
I think they're Dramamine.

These are Elmo's microdots.
That's acid.

John.

-John, I took a lot of these.
-How many?

Well, one just now
and one in the barracks.

-Two in the jeep.
-Aw.

-Two when we got out of the jeep.
-Oh, no. Six hits. Oh.

What a tragedy. Hey. Hey.

We're not gonna let you drive now,
you sit right down here.

Buckle up here, cowpoke.

Stow your tray table
in the upright position, will you?

You're gonna be just fine
in about 12 hours.

It's gonna be kind of weird
till then, but...

[MOANING]

♪ Bells are ringing ♪♪

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

[♪♪♪]

The plane's coming apart.

Hello!

I'm Captain Hollister, Special
Operations Group. Who are you?

-I'm Major Dodge.
-Captain DeSoto.

Pleasure to meet you, Hollister.
Heard a lot about you.

Well, I never heard of you.
And you're not on my roster.

Heh, heh. That's just the way
we like to keep it, captain.

It's double double top-secret.

-Intelligence?
-Some.

Anything I could tell you
would be a lie, captain,

so how about we tag along
with you to your destination

and then we'll go
our separate ways.

Dismissed, captain.

♪ Camptown ladies
Sing this song ♪

♪ Doo-dah
Doo-dah ♪

♪ Camptown racetrack ♪
♪ Five miles long ♪

BOTH:
♪ Oh, doo-dah day ♪

♪ Goin' to run
All night ♪

♪ Goin' to run
All day ♪

♪ I'll bet
My money... ♪

Okay, major, let's go!

MAN:
Go!

Go!

Russell!

They're all going
backpacking, John!

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Go! Go! Go!

The important thing is not to panic.

We should, like,
build a shelter, I think.

Then we make some stone tools

and we can cut some spears
and arrows.

Because tonight we're gonna
go out and kill a wild boar.

And then we're gonna
dry the meat for traveling.

And in the morning
we can chop down a big tree

and make a dugout canoe.

And we could find a river that'll
probably run down to the ocean.

If we're lucky, we'll drift into
those major shipping lanes,

we'll probably get picked up in a day
or two by a Liberian freighter.

What do you think?

I think we should
find a hotel room.

That's a good idea.

Hello!

I think some of these plants
are edible.

-Yeah.
-Not that one.

I think we might have to
settle for a motel.

RUSSELL:
This looks like a main road.

Oh, yeah,
this is the interstate here.

Yeah. We just find a gas station,
they'll tell us where all the nice--

Whoa!

What a rush.
The sky is brown.

[MEN SPEAKING
IN SPANISH]

[MEN LAUGHING]

[GUITAR PLAYING]

[MEN CHATTERING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[MAN 1 SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

-Señor.
-Hi.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[MAN 1 SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

RUSSELL:
Thank you.

[MAN 2 SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Sit down.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[COUGHING]

Mm.

[MAN 2 SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Oh. Thank you.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[GROANS]

Colombia. Love weed.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Good, good, good.

Pills.

For you.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Good, good. Mm.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Oh, yeah.

-Oh, it's good in stew, yeah.
-JOHN: Yeah, put about 30 in there.

That's good. Oh, great.

Time to get out of here.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

What is their struggle?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[MEN MURMURING]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

It's cutting time.

[MEN LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]

[MAN 2 SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SINGING "QUANDO, QUANDO,
QUANDO" IN SPANISH]

[MEN CHUCKLING]

[CROWD SINGING]

[GUITAR PLAYING]

I can't hear you!
You two should tie the knot!

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SINGING "QUANDO, QUANDO,
QUANDO" IN SPANISH]

Whoo!

Hey, captain,
could we get a ride with you?

Just get on the plane.

You bet.

[JOHN HUMMING]

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, God, look at that.

Wash off the soap. That's right.
Wash it off.

Look at that. Bend over. Drop
the soap. Oh, tits. Good.

Oh, God, I wish I was a loofah.
Look at that! That's...

Those muscles. Oh...

Oh, I didn't know
they could do that.

Excuse me, captain.

STILLMAN:
I don't want to be disturbed.

Stillman!

-Yes, sir?
-Colonel Glass to see you, sir.

I can see that, corporal.
Dismissed.

It's a pleasure to see you, sir.
Welcome to Fort Arnold.

-Let's skip the bullshit, captain.
-Yes, sir.

I've got a problem,
and I need your help.

You've heard of
the EM-50 project?

Yes, sir. It's a tank
or something.

-It's an urban-assault vehicle.
-Of course.

The Pentagon wants to unveil it

for the news media
next month in Italy.

What General Barnicke
wants from you

is a real crack platoon of
new recruits to man the EM-50.

Real go-getters.

We'll have them photographed
putting the 50 through its paces.

"Our newest soldiers with our
latest weapon." That kind of thing.

Yes, sir.
You can count on me, sir.

You screw this up, Stillman,

and I'll have you assigned to a weather
station above the Arctic Circle.

-You got that?
-Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Good.

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Attention!

-I'm gonna fold.
-Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, I'm still in.
Cruise, how about you?

Maybe I should fold.

Well, let me see.
Let me see first.

No, not with a hand like that.
Come on.

Dare me. Go on, bluff me.
Come on.

How much should I bet?

If it were me,
I'd bet everything.

But that's me. I'm an aggressive
gambler. Mr. Vegas.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on. Go for it.
Go for it.

Yes, yes, there we go.
I'm in.

-What do you got?
-Well, I got a full house.

Three threes and two sixes, that's a full house.
What have you got?

Two fours, I got an ace.

You got an ace,
an eight and a seven.

Well, you lose. If you would've had
four fours, you would've won.

Pshew.

-You're getting good.
-Starting to get the hang of it.

Isn't this fun? You're pretty good
for a first time, really.

HULKA:
Attention!

Fall in for muster.
Move it! Move it!

Ten-hut!

It's come to my attention

that several members of
the 3rd Platoon Bravo Company

left this military post
without permission.

I wanna know who it was.

You can tell me now

or I got ways
of finding out myself.

Okay, mister,

you just got yourself 24 hours
of scrubbing garbage cans.

Step back.

Now, since nobody else
has got the guts

to admit it,

the rest of this platoon

will do the next
two weekends on KP.

[MEN GROANING]

How's that sound to you, mister?

I think it sucks.

It's time you and me
had a private talk, Winger.

Step into my office.

[♪♪♪]

I'm getting the idea, Winger,
that you don't like me.

Maybe I just don't know you
well enough yet, sarge.

What do you say let's cutout
the bullshit between you and me?

Oh, let's.

I think you're a punk.

I've been in this Army 28 years.

I've seen your kind come and go.

You think you know something
about everything, don't you?

Let me tell you something, mister.

You don't know a damn thing
about soldiering.

Oh, it's real tough stuff.

Especially that
marching-in-a-straight-line business.

I ain't talking about that crap.

I'm talking about
something important.

Like discipline and duty and honor
and courage. You ain't got none of it.

Those words mean so much to a man
who scrubs garbage cans.

Look, if you don't want me
in your Army, kick me out,

but get off my back.

Hm. Maybe you'd like to
take a swing at me.

I'd like to take a big swing
at you, sarge.

Well, go ahead and
give it your best shot.

I don't think I wanna go
to the stockade.

I'll take my hat off.

There we are, Winger.
Ain't no more drill sergeant.

It's just you and me,
kid, man-to-man.

So go ahead,
give it your best shot.

Swing at me.

Gutless.

Punk.

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

I'm willing to forget about
this little incident.

And I want you to think
real hard about it.

And maybe someday you'll understand
what the hell I'm talking about.

[SIGHS]

[MUMBLING]
No. No, don't stop.

Don't stop.

I'll still respect you.

I'll respect you even more.

Just use more whipped cream.

[GASPS]

John. John.

I just had the weirdest dream.
John.

John?

[♪♪♪]

If I call Anita, she has to
pick me up at the train, right?

I go back, get a new apartment,

I see if I can get
my cab job back.

[SCREAMING]

Where are you going? You going AWOL?
Are you going AWOL?

-No, I'm deserting.
-You idiot!

You desert now,
it's a federal offense.

-Come on.
-I'll take my chances with the feds.

Get up. Come on.
You're not going anywhere.

Now listen to me. You're gonna
finish basic training,

you're gonna keep your mouth shut
and do everything he tells you.

-And you know why?
-Why?

Because you talked me into this,
that's why, you idiot!

It was your idea!

I didn't talk you into this.
You needed this.

I'm gonna kill you! Damn you!

Where's the great pay?
Where's the travel?

Where's the Winnebago?
Goddamn it! Shit!

[LAUGHING]

This isn't what you think.

No, we're just good friends.

In the jeep.

[♪♪♪]

Come on. Let's go.

RUSSELL: I was going to the laundry,
get my uniform.

Save it for later.

Okay, guys, you're home.
Get out.

You're not gonna report this
or anything, are you?

I'm gonna treat it
like a UFO sighting.

"I saw something,
but I'm not quite sure what it was."

Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, goodbye.

[♪♪♪]

Move it! Do it!

[GRUNTING]

Why, boy,

we got women can climb that
better than you. Get up!

Get on your feet!

Hit it!

He said he couldn't make it.
Why don't you do it?

Take one step back, Winger.

Move it!

All right, soldier, let's see
how you fire that mortar.

-What coordinates, sir?
-Coordinates?

Yes, sir. They determine
where the mortar's--

Soldier, the Army has spent a lot of money
teaching you how to fire that.

Now set it and fire it.

-We don't know where the Shell's--
-The only way to learn is to do it!

Now fire the weapon.

All right!

Any of you suckholes want to
come up here and knock me off?

Oh, shit.

[BOMB WHISTLING]

Incoming!

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

[MEN MURMURING]

Sergeant, does this mean
we're through for the day?

[GRUNTING]

-Save your strength, sarge.
-Yeah.

Get him off! Get him off! Oh!

Ahem. Men, I realize this tragic injury
to your drill sergeant is a real shock.

Especially this close to the end
of basic training.

As far as I'm concerned, Sergeant
Crocker's 100 percent responsible

for the entire thing.
-That's not what I heard.

[PHONE CLATTERS]

Who said that?
Pick that up!

Who said that?

-Did you say that?
-No, sir.

Did you say that?

-Who said--?
-I said that.

Now, I don't care what you heard.

My report states that Crocker was
negligent in his mortar instructions

and totally unable to control
his men.

Have it your way, sir.

You bet I will, soldier.

I do not want to hear
one more insubordinate word

from anyone in this platoon.

The subject is closed.

You'd better stop worrying
about what happened to Hulka

and start worrying about how you're
going to pass muster at graduation.

You've got three days
to get it together.

And if you want my honest opinion,

you're not gonna make it.

JOHN:
No stragglers. Now come on.

We owe it to Sergeant Hulka to end up
face down in the gutter tonight.

WOMAN: Hey, baby,
want to come to my place?

JOHN: Where were you two blocks ago
when we could've used you?

Come on. Don't waste it.

All right, we're here!
Come on.

It's the Pom Pom.
It's famous. It's world-famous.

[THE SPINNERS' "RUBBERBAND MAN"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[MEN HOOTING AND WHISTLING]

This might be fun.

[LAUGHS]

Hi.

♪ Hand me down
My walkin' cane ♪

♪ Hand me down my hat ♪

♪ Hurry now and don't be late ♪

♪ 'Cause we ain't got time
To chat ♪

♪ You and me, we're goin' out
To catch the latest sounds ♪

♪ Guaranteed to blow your mind
So high you won't come down ♪

♪ Hey, y'all, prepare yourself
For the Rubberband Man ♪

Oh, amazing.

OX:
I used to wrestle.

There's no tables.

-Here's a table. Excuse me.
-Sounds good.

-You wrestled, huh? Nice seats.
-Yeah.

Give me a kick, honey.

Oh, parted my hair.

[MEN CHEERING
AND WHISTLING]

Okay, girls,
go get them!

♪ Once I went to hear them play
At a club outside of town ♪

♪ I was so surprised
I was hypnotized ♪

♪ By the sound this cat's
Puttin' down ♪

♪ When I saw
This short fat guy ♪

♪ Stretch a band
Between his toes ♪

♪ Hey, I laughed so hard
Cause the man got down ♪

♪ When he finally
Reached his goal ♪

♪ Hey, y'all, prepare yourself
For the Rubberband Man ♪

♪ You never heard a sound
Like the Rubberband Man ♪

♪ You're bound
To lose control… ♪♪

We're gonna start
the bidding.

I'm not gonna accept
anything less than $100.

The bidding has gotta start.
Now give me 100.

-You gotta do it for us, Ox.
-I can't.

-You said you used to wrestle.
-I used to lose a lot.

Yeah, but these are girls.
They're weak and soft.

-I need 150!
-One-sixty!

One-seventy-five now!
One-seventy-five here! One-eighty!

-It doesn't seem fair.
-Fair?

Who cares about fair?
The world isn't fair! Truth isn't fair!

Is it fair that you were
born like this? No!

They're not expecting somebody like you.
They're expecting a slug.

You're different. You're weird.
You're a mutant. You're a killer!

You're a trained killer!

You're a lean, mean,

fighting machine!
-Fighting machine!

I'll do it!

-All right. Give me your money.
-Four hundred and thirteen bucks!

My man. My big man here
is gonna do it all for us

for $413

-And 58 cents.
-and 58 cents!

Four hundred thirteen dollars
and 58 cents!

I'll take that right now!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[YELLING]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
the big event you've been waiting for.

A three-round match,
five-minute time limit, one pin only.

And during this match
there will be absolutely no biting.

Ow!

ANNOUNCER: Cut that out! Cut that out!
And no pulling of the nose.

Hey, do something about this, ref!

What kind of place
you running here?

[CROWD BOOING]

ANNOUNCER: And no kicking,
ladies and gentlemen.

[GROANS]

All right, go to your neutral corners,
and we will begin the match!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hey, wait a minute! Wait! Hey!

Hey, just a second here!

[GRUNTING]

[CHEERING]

[YELLING]

Huh? Oh, jeez! Now you done it.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

Beat the shit out of them, Ox!

-You hit me! I'm a girl!
-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hit you!

[GRUNTING]

That's my man out there!
My champ! Now stop it!

JOHN: Behind you!
Hey, she's not even in the fight.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Cut that out.
Cut that out.

You get in here.
Come on.

I'm a gentleman.
Now stop it.

All right.

Okay, all right.

-Thanks.
-No problem.

-Thanks again.
-Okay, all right.

-You're very competitive.
-I don't wanna go back.

You gotta go back.
You're already dirty. Come on.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

All right, there you go.

[CROWD CHEERING
AND WHISTLING]

[♪♪♪]

[WOMEN YELLING]

They got him down
and they got him pinned!

[OX YELLS]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Bravo Company!

Bravo Company!

Go, man! Hah!

[CHEERING]

Way to go, Ox! Kill them!

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[COPS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

-Should we?
-Yeah. Let's go.

STELLA: We'll take care
of these two.

It's okay.
Special assignment.

Yeah, we're with them.

Louise, it's so nice to see you.
What are you doing here?

Well, explain yourselves.

Well, sir, uh,

we were, uh...

We were going
to the Bingo parlor

at the YMCA.

Well, one thing led to another,

and the instructions
got all fouled up there.

-We ended up--
-Shut up.

Okay, sir.

You men are a disgrace.

Maybe a few days
in the stockade

would help change
your rotten attitude.

But we're supposed to
graduate tomorrow, sir.

That's even better.

Tomorrow you'll be on parade
in front of General Barnicke.

And when he sees
what total fuck-ups you really are,

I will personally recommend

that your whole platoon

repeat the entire course
of basic training.

[GROANS]

[♪♪♪]

Well, get out.

All right, now this is the second time
we've let you guys off.

So let's not let it happen a
third time. Is that clear?

-Very clear.
-Get back to your barracks, all right?

-Good night.
-Good night.

So, uh, what are
you guys gonna do?

We're gonna check out General
Barnicke's house. He's in Washington.

Barnicke?

Barnicke?!

He still owes me money.
Hey, Barney!

Get him!

Mom! I'm home!

John!

LOUISE:
No, no.

Now, don't worry
about a thing, okay?

Oh, this is nice, really.

Listen, if this is gonna get you
in trouble, we'll leave. All right?

No, it's okay. General Barnicke's gone
until tomorrow morning.

Good.

Thank you.

I feel like I'm 16 years old
in my parents' house

and they're away on a trip.

Sixteen?
Wanna play Spin the Bottle?

This guy's doing pretty well.
Interested?

All right, you've looked at
the general's refrigerator long enough.

-Let's go. Come on.
-Let's look at the general's cupboards.

John!

You know, you're very pretty

for a cop.
-Oh, thanks a lot.

No, thank you. You know what
your problem is, baby?

-No, I don't.
-Your problem is that you're armed.

You're heavily armed.

Guys have trouble with girls
that are armed.

They don't know
how to come on.

Do you know
the rest of your problem?

Tell me.

You've never had anyone give you
the Aunt Jemima treatment.

-No, I certainly haven't had that.
-First you get up on the grill.

-I'll get you up to cruising speed.
-Stop it!

You're sticking on the bottom, dear.
Keep hopping. Keep hopping, honey!

There you go. A little bit lumpy.
You're a little bit lumpy.

A little bit lumpy.

-I'm not enjoying this! Now quit it!
-You're not, huh?

Maybe you need this.

Oh! What are you
gonna do with that?

-This. And this.
-Ooh. Ooh, heh-heh.

[SHRIEKS THEN LAUGHS]

Who's your friend?
Who's your buddy?

I am, aren't I?

-You're crazy about me, aren't you?
-No.

You're head over heels
in love with me.

You're hopelessly, deeply in love
with me, aren't you?

Yes.

I knew it. I had that feeling.

Even before I picked this up.

[♪♪♪]

It's about time you came around.

So, what do we do now?

Let's go upstairs
and check out the general's closets.

[STELLA SHRIEKS]

Nice to know you can
move like that when you have to.

Well, it's nice to know
you can make me so hot.

Oh. You say the nicest things.

Hold on, honey.
I got a special tool for you.

-STELLA: Ha-ha-ha. Aah!
-Come here.

I can't believe
we're playing this.

-Okay, down on your knees.
-Oh, sounds good.

All right, now the way
that you play it is

you pretend there's a force field
all around your body,

Mm-hm.

and you try and get as close
to each other as possible

without actually touching.

-Okay?
-It sounds easy.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

It ought to be.

I think I'm good at this.

Maybe.

How do you win?

Well, if somebody breaks
your force field, then you win.

-You just broke my force field.
-Yeah, you win.

[SIGHS]

Well, that was interesting.

It's all over with now. We might as well
not even show up to graduation.

You white guys'll
probably get five years.

-But we gonna get hung.
-Yeah, man.

Guys! Hey!

What's everybody so down about?

Didn't everybody make it
with a beautiful MP tonight, huh?

Oh, Stillman freaked out
when the MPs brought us back.

If we screw up graduation,
we'll have to take basics all over again.

Aw, Cruise, it's been a lot of fun
the first time, hasn't it?

I can't handle
basic training again, man.

You're number one
on the death list now, Winger.

Take it easy, Francis--

Psycho.

Will you guys just relax? We got plenty
of time. What time is it now?

-Two a.m.
-RUSSELL: Okay, 0200.

-What time we get up?
-Five a.m.

0500. All right,
we have three hours.

Didn't you ever cram
for a test before?

I learned two semesters
of geology in three hours.

We can do this.
We just have to practice.

We've been practicing all night,
and we stink.

-Yeah, well, the brains have arrived.
-Yeah, that's good news.

RUSSELL:
We go down to the motor pool.

We work on it all night.
We get it together.

-We can do this, right?
-There's no way in hell we can do it.

RUSSELL:
Right shoulder, arms!

Forward, arms!

Inspection, arms!

Right shoulder, arms!

Right face!

Your left, your left, your left.

Come on, rhythm.
Hut, two, three, four.

Black guys,
help the white guys, okay?

-What did he say?
-He said the black guys

help the white guys.

RUSSELL:
Come on, guys!

Wait a minute!

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

JOHN:
Cut it out! Stop!

Hey, stupid,
look at yourself!

Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out!

What the hell's
the matter with you?

Stupid!

We're all very different people.

We're not Watusi.
We're not Spartans.

We're Americans.
With a capital A, huh?

You know what that means?

Do you? That means
that our forefathers

were kicked out of every
decent country in the world.

We are the wretched refuse.

We're the underdog.
We're mutts.

-Here's proof. His nose is cold.
-MAN: So is his brain.

But there's no animal
that's more faithful,

that's more loyal,
more lovable than the mutt.

Who saw Old Yeller?

Who cried when Old Yeller
got shot at the end?

Nobody cried
when Old Yeller got shot?

I'm sure.

I cried my eyes out.

Yeah.

So we're all dogfaces.
We're all very, very different.

But there is one thing
that we all have in common.

We were all stupid enough
to enlist in the Army.

We're mutants.

There's something wrong with us,
something very, very wrong with us.

Something seriously wrong
with us.

We're soldiers,
but we're American soldiers.

We've been kicking ass
for 200 years!

We're 10 and 1!

[MEN CHATTERING]

Now, we don't have to worry

about whether or not
we've practiced.

We don't have to worry

about whether Captain Stillman
wants to have us hung.

All we have to do

is to be the great American
fighting soldier

that is inside each one of us.

Now, do what I do

and say what I say

and make me proud.

-Fall in!
-MEN: Yeah!

Platoon,

ten-hut!

Right shoulder, ho!

Order, ho!

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

Maybe they couldn't find
the parade grounds.

-It's right in front of the barracks.
-That's what I mean.

Eyes right!

We checked the barracks, sir.
They're not there.

If they're not here in five minutes,
I want them arrested.

Hey, graduation's at 2:00.
What time is it now?

Three o'clock. We've still got
an hour to sleep.

Oh, good.

Three o'clock! We're missing it!

John! John!
We're missing graduation.

-We're missing it.
-Let's go.

Wake up, man! We're missing it.

Where is it?

[GRUNTING
IN UNISON]

All right, let's do
a little singing this morning.

♪ Slept late ♪

MEN:
♪ Slept late ♪

-♪ Feel great ♪
-♪ Feel great ♪

-♪ Wine and women ♪
-♪ Wine and women ♪

-♪ All gone ♪
-♪ All gone ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ Spare time ♪

♪ Spare time ♪

-♪ All gone ♪
-♪ All gone ♪

-♪ Party guy ♪
-♪ Party guy ♪

-♪ Bye-bye ♪
-♪ Bye-bye ♪

-♪ All night ♪
-♪ All night ♪

-♪ Got tight ♪
-♪ Got tight ♪

-♪ Felt good ♪
-♪ Felt good ♪

-♪ Real nice ♪
-♪ Real nice ♪

-JOHN: ♪ Real good ♪
-MEN: ♪ Real good ♪

-♪ Uh-huh ♪
-♪ Uh-huh ♪

-♪ Uh-huh-huh-huh ♪
-♪ Uh-huh-huh-huh ♪

Platoon,

a-one, two:

♪ Boom, shaka-laka-laka ♪
♪ Boom, shaka-laka-laka ♪

♪ Boom, shaka-laka-laka
Boom ♪♪

[SPECTATORS LAUGHING]

Where the hell
have you been, soldier?

-Training, sir!
-MEN: Training, sir!

What kind of training, son?

Army training, sir!

Army training, sir!

[LAUGHING]

Platoon, just like last night,
only better!

And right shoulder, ho!

Order, ho!

Side step right!

Why did the chicken
cross the road?

MEN:
To get from the left to the right!

-Right!
-Hit!

Hit!

Hut!

He stepped out of rank,
got hit by a tank.

He ain't no chicken no more!
No!

JOHN:
Left flank, left!

Queen Anne salute!

Three, five, seven!

Uh-huh.

Razzle-dazzle!

MEN:
Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four.

The quick brown fox jumped
over the lazy dog, sir!

[CHEERING]

Where's your drill sergeant, men?

Blown up, sir!

MEN:
Blown up, sir!

Sir, these are Sergeant Hulka's men.
He was injured during basic training.

I see.

So am I to understand

that you men completed
your training on your own?

-That's the fact, Jack!
-MEN: That's the fact, Jack!

-Captain.
-Yes, sir?

These are exactly
the kind of go-getters

I want working on
my EM-50 project in Italy.

-Oh, but, sir, these men--
-Don't "but" me, captain.

I want them
on the plane tonight.

[♪♪♪]

JOHN: Gentlemen, it's party time,
Italian style!

[WHOOPING AND CHEERING]

Not bad! It's great.

Best bunk? Best bunk is...

Best bunk, right here.

-Okay, who's up for the Vatican?
-No, I can't.

Let's get some people
and some relics, and we'll do it.

What are you doing? No, get off.
See, you gotta make my bunk.

See, we're in Italy.
The guy on the top bunk

has gotta make the guy
on the bottom's bed all the time.

It's in the regulations.
If we were in Germany,

I would have to make yours.

But we're in Italy, so you've gotta
make mine. It's regulations.

Who's gonna make the beds?

HULKA:
Buona sera, gentlemen.

It is alive.

[♪♪♪]

Welcome to Italy.

We can forget all about
the tearful reunion.

There's a couple things I want to get
straight with you right off the bat.

I don't know what kind of shit
you pulled at graduation,

but this ain't
no glamour detail we're on.

I want to see you walking tall,

looking good
and mentally alert at all times.

I'm gonna bust your butts

to make this the best damned outfit
in the European command.

Get these bunks made up!
Get your gear stored!

We're gonna muster in front
of the motor pool at 0600! Got it?

Hi, sarge.

"Hi, sarge." Just shut up.

0600!

[♪♪♪]

COLONEL: As you may know,
General Barnicke

is particularly interested
in this project.

He has selected this platoon
for this assignment,

and he expects you to perform
particularly well.

Raise it, sergeant.

[♪♪♪]

Gentlemen, this is the EM-50
Urban Assault Vehicle.

[MEN CHUCKLING]

A real beauty, colonel.
You can count on us.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Fall in!

I need two volunteers.

You and you.

You'll guard this vehicle
until 0800 on Monday morning

and the rest of you
got the weekend off. Dismissed!

[MEN CHEERING]

-Sarge, why me?
-Oh, I don't know, son.

I ain't got no military reason for it,
I just don't like you.

Have a nice weekend.

Oh, yeah. I want that so clean
I could eat off the floor.

[♪♪♪]

This is amazing. You wouldn't believe
what this thing could do.

John.

John.

-Do you think I'm officer material?
-God, I'm worried about you.

Come on. I'm in good shape.
I'm walking tall.

I'm looking good.
First weekend in Europe.

Yeah. We're spending it
in an airplane hangar watching a truck.

We got each other.

Well, I was kind of thinking we'd get
a couple companions this weekend.

Too bad the girls
are in Germany.

We could get

a hotel room somewhere.
-Yeah.

Spend a couple days
eating room service.

Would've been good.

We could take them up
in the Alps for a little spin.

-No.
-Oh, yeah.

-No, no, no.
-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-No, no. No, John, no.

-I'Il drive.
-Okay.

We're here.

Don't forget, you promised me
a real expensive dinner

before we see this
whatever it is.

Right.

Come with me, my dear.

[CHUCKLING]

Now, don't forget, this is a big secret,
so you can't tell anybody, okay?

-Not unless they torture me.
-Come on.

-Official business.
-May I see your identification, sir?

Thank you, captain.

Yeah. Heh.
Just follow me.

[♪♪♪]

When the Army entrusts an important
project like this to an officer,

it usually means they're priming
him for a major promotion.

Wow.

-I really think you're gonna like this.
-Yeah?

[♪♪♪]

[STILLMAN SCREAMS]

Are you gonna get sick
or something?

Where the fuck's my truck?
Where--?

Where's my truck? Hey!

Hey, where's the EM-50?

A couple of soldiers took it
to get it washed, sir.

Took it to get it washed?!

Is there a bathroom around here?
I gotta pee.

-Hold it!
-They had proper ID, sir.

Do you want me to notify
post security, sir?

You keep your mouth
shut about this.

Do you understand me?

And you let no one in there.
No one! Not even the colonel!

Yes, sir.

You know, I think this guy
Stillman is really dangerous.

Yeah, I'm becoming
aware of that, you know.

Okay, let's go.
Let's load that truck.

Sergeant.

We've traced the EM-50
to Germany.

They're probably heading
right for East Berlin.

Sir, if you'll take my advice,
there's a crack squad in the 42nd

that could link up
with Air Recon.

We'd have that EM-50 back here
inside of 24 hours.

Nothing doing.
We'd be the laughingstock

of the entire armed forces.
We will do this ourselves.

Sir, those numb-nuts can't
even tie their own shoelaces.

I don't care, sergeant. Just load the
truck, and let's move out.

All right, we're moving out!
Move!

I guess we're going after
John and Russell.

I can't believe they're
Russian spies. Can you?

All I know is,
I finally get to kill somebody.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Russell.

Have you been doing
your special exercises?

-I brought the magic suitcase.
-You did?

Does this do anything for you?
French girls do it all the time.

No. I've seen that.

I've seen that on cable TV,
and it did nothing for me.

Hey, watch it. A guy could get hurt.

-My gosh, my gosh.
-Come on, John.

-Come on.
-I'll do it!

But just one more time.

Off the low meter board.

From the United States
Military Academy, John Winger.

He's gonna do a reverse mo-fo.

A somersault up to the knees,
to a butt banister,

a backflip,

all the way back,
a double backflip.

A face bounce!
A double face bounce!

A triple head! Oh, no!
Oh, he's hurt!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That does sound nice.

You know, my father was here
during the war.

-In this bathtub?
-Your ears need cleaning.

Easy. Louise,
what do you think of me?

When we first met, I thought
you were kind of screwed up.

And now?

I still think you're kind of
screwed up, Russell,

but you're so cute.
-Aw.

-A face bounce,
-John.

-a dismount
-Yoo-hoo.

and a remount.

John! Heh, heh, heh.

How's this? How's this? Oh!

-How's this for you?
-Perfect.

-Is this good? Is this good?
-It's great. Oh, it's perfect.

-What about this? How about this?
-That's better. Oh, so much better.

[GROANS THEN LAUGHS]

Oh, I like that. Oh.

That's different.

-Oh! Ooh!
-Ooh!

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Oh!

Oh, where did you learn that?
Oh, where did you learn that?

Ooh. Oh! Oh!

Oh, not yet. Please, not yet!
Oh, please!

I can't stop! Please! Oh!

Oh, I wanted it-- Oh, I'm sorry!

[♪♪♪]

-I can't see a thing up ahead, sir.
-The turnoff is just up to the right.

No, sir. If we turn right,
we're gonna--

Sergeant, when I want your input,
I will ask for it. Thank you.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[GROANING]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

[SCREAMS]

[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]

For chrissakes, captain.
We broke through the--

This is my mission. I would appreciate
if you let me run it. Thank you.

Fuck this.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

-Where you going, sarge?
-Hey, sarge, where are you going?

OX: Sarge, what are you doing?
Sarge, what are you doing?!

[♪♪♪]

[MEN SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]

Here you go. There you go.
Hand them off there, boys.

Stupid jerks.

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

♪ Danke schoen, darling ♪♪

Gunther, get yourself
a new Volkswagen, huh?

Folks, don't order the schnitzel.
They're using schnauzer.

Hey, Hansel, Gretel!
Hey, we're your allies.

It's cool. All right.

All right, Klaus,
hold it up right here.

We got some naked animals in here
we don't want you to see.

Here you are.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

-Huh?
-Ah-ha!

-More worthless money for you.
-Come on.

-All right.
-Hey, did you leave the radio on?

-What?
-That's the shortwave radio.

This is the EM-50?

HULKA [OVER RADIO]:
Mayday, mayday.

Mayday. Code 21, Status 7.
Mayday. Code 21, Status 7.

Code 21. Go ahead.

I'm with the US. Army, 41st
Armored Division, Bravo Company.

I have a platoon and CO
being held by hostile enemy

at coordinates 416-397.

They're Russian troops,
about 200.

Send help. I gotta get moving.

RUSSELL:
416-397. That's Czechoslovakia.

-Forty-first Armored?
-Yeah, Bravo Company.

-That's our unit.
-Oh, no.

-They came looking for us.
-Oh, they've had it.

We've had it.

If it's a Status 7 like you said,
they went in undercover.

So the DOD won't even
acknowledge it.

Those guys are dead.

-We gotta go get them.
-Yeah.

-No.
-We're responsible.

-Russell.
-Come on, it's Czechoslovakia.

We zip in, we pick them up
and we zip right out again.

We're not going to Moscow.
It's Czechoslovakia.

It's like going into Wisconsin.

I got the shit kicked out of me
in Wisconsin once. Forget it.

Russell,
what are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid.

There are two things
I promised myself I'd never do:

Kill and die.

What if the Russians were
raping your sister?

Come on, you know my sister.
You practically raped her one night.

The Russians would just
have to buy her dinner.

Russell, that is
our platoon out there.

That's Ox and Elmo
and Cruiser.

I love those guys.
We're their only chance.

Two things, John:
First of all, they hate your guts.

Those bastards.

Second, when I finish all my training,
I'm probably gonna be a typist.

Now, when you invade
a hostile foreign nation,

you don't send your typists
in the first wave.

They got guys who like to do that,
John. Let's give them a call, okay?

Okay.

Yeah, we won't go in.

-Okay.
-Okay, let's go.

Oh, my hero.

[SCOFFS]

Damn it, though, we're so close.
I'd love to just go take a look.

I mean, the Iron Curtain, it's gotta look
great. I'd love to have a picture of it.

Think we could do that?

Take about an hour. We could drive
over, get pictures and come back.

-We'll just look?
-Yeah.

-Okay. Let's look.
-Yeah, that's a much better plan.

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

We're so damn lost. Where the
hell is Innsbruck, Austria?

We're trying to get over there,
do some skiing.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

-Do you know Brandy? Hi, girls.
-Oh, excuse me.

-What a darling border guard.
-Is there a bathroom here?

Bathroom, girls.
Bathroom.

There must be a bathroom
here somewhere.

Bathroom.
Bathroom.

[♪♪♪]

Hi. I'm John Winger
of the United States Army,

and you are my prisoner.
-Why are you doing this?

Chicago.

BOTH:
Bang, bang.

Why do we want prisoners?
What do we want with prisoners?

Come on, move!

Do the words "act of war"
mean anything to you, huh?

-l have a plan.
-Great. Custer had a plan too.

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

RUSSELL:
We are in serious trouble.

LOUISE: He said he had a plan.
Now, just give him a chance.

RUSSELL:
Hello, hello!

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

RUSSELL:
What an idiot. Get in here.

-All right, we're in.
-Nice work, John.

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

-What's the plan?
-I'm working on it.

Oh, my God, what an idiot.
He's working on it.

The absence of a plan
is ridiculous.

Hey, they're about
to start shooting at us.

-Good. That's fine. Let them.
-It's working.

Louise, get this thing moving.

You're dangerous,
you know that?

Oh, this is interesting.

I got it figured this way:
They got one big gun, a couple of tanks.

They got a hundred Baryshnikovs
running around.

-RUSSELL: And what do we got?
-What do we got?

We got one heavily armed
recreational vehicle here, man.

Okay, find that truck,
and we find them.

-There's a gun in that tower, Russell.
-RUSSELL: I see him.

All right, steady, steady.

[♪♪♪]

-Got him!
-STELLA: All right! Oh, God!

Good one, Russell.

-There's the truck.
-Must be them. Get ready!

Out, please!

STELLA:
John, over here!

[GRUNTS]

[GUNSHOTS]

-That was stupid.
-Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

-You know who would love this?
-Who?

Russell.
He should be here.

-Russell!
-Russell!

JOHN:
Help!

-JOHN: Thank you!
-That helped.

They'd better be in there.

[MEN YELLING IN RUSSIAN]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[GRUNTING]

[CRUISER SCREAMS]

[CRUISER GROANING]

CRUISER: You can beat me
as much as you want!

[GRUNTING]

-Are you okay?
-Where are they?

-Oh, hi. Hi.
-Where are the others?

JOHN:
Hello?

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

JOHN [IMITATING PARROT]:
Hello.

-Who is it?
-It's Idi Amin.

-It's Winger!
-We're free!

It's us, Winger!
Get us out!

JOHN: All right, stand back from
the door. I'm gonna blow it.

Everybody back!
Everybody back!

Get it.

Get down.

[STELLA COUGHING]

Whoa, tough door!

JOHN: You got it locked
on the inside?

It's because of you people
that I cannot get outside!

It's always your fault.
You are not capable of handling--

To take orders from me, who is--

Open this door, please!

I'm gonna squash him!

[OX SCREAMS]

Winger!
Oh, I'm so glad!

STILLMAN:
What are you doing here?

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

Look out, Louise!
There's a tank behind us! Move it!

[♪♪♪]

Uh...

Find John, will you?
I'm gonna kill him.

[BOMB WHISTLING]

[SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]

We had a car waiting.

Russell?

[GASPS]

[MEN SCREAMING]

Aah!

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Let's get out of here!

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOT]

We're here!

John!

Come on!

[GUNSHOTS]

You are in trouble!
This is government property--

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

Something's blocking the road.
Hang on!

Hang on!

I'm getting too old for this shit!

Gentlemen, we are in Germany!

[MEN CHEERING]

[MEN SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]

[IN RUSSIAN]
I hate tourist season.

[IN RUSSIAN] Such a truck would be good
for picking up girls in Minsk.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-Ooh.
-Ah.

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

[♪♪♪]

[CHEERING]

Platoon, ten-hut!

Queen Anne salute!

[GRUNTS]

Get up!

Thank you.
It's great to be back home.

My people, we're number one.
All right.

Ox, we got medals. Look.
Valortorious Service. Thank you.

What the--? A surprise party!

I'll kill you. Whose idea was this?
Ha, ha, ha.

All right, everybody's coming
to my place. This is ridiculous.

Senator, hang onto that,
will you, for me?

Oh, I wrote.
I didn't know if you'd come.

[SOBS]

No questions, please.

We just want to get back
to our hotel rooms

and have some really serious sex.

What are you looking at?
Keep your eyes out there.

[CHATTERING]

Oh, you old dog.

[CHUCKLING]

Right face!

Forward march!

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left...

MAN:
Five, six, seven, eight.

MEN: ♪ There she was
Just a-walkin' down the street ♪

♪ Singin', "Doo wah diddy
Diddy dum diddy doo" ♪

♪ Snappin' her fingers
And shufflin' her feet ♪

♪ Singin', "Doo wah diddy
Diddy dum diddy doo" ♪

-♪ She looked good ♪
-♪ She looked good ♪

-♪ She looked fine ♪
-♪ She looked fine ♪

♪ She looked good
She looked fine ♪♪

[♪♪♪]