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1
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:08,140
Ah, what a beautiful day
for a walk in the park.
2
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,376
Hey, Albright, would you
like some ice cream?
3
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,311
Well, yes, Harry,
I suppose I would.
4
00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:14,946
Well, you'll have
to buy it, then,
5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,381
'cause my money's
no good here.
6
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,083
Your money's
not good anywhere.
7
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:21,153
It's nothing
but photocopies
of my money.
8
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:22,153
Come on, Harry.
9
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:23,488
[clapping]
10
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:26,992
Dick! Look, a party.
Let's check it out!
11
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,461
Sally, why would a grown man
take the slightest interest
12
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:30,862
in a child's b--
13
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:33,631
[gasp]
They have balloons!
14
00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:36,768
So, Harry,
what do you want?
15
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:39,738
Well, it's quite
a dazzling selection,
16
00:00:39,806 --> 00:00:43,641
but I think
I've got a hankering
for a bomb pop.
17
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,778
But I've got
a receding gum line,
18
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:50,215
and the blue part
tends to sting.
19
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:51,816
Cookiewiches are good.
20
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,319
You see, with them,
you get the double-whammy.
21
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,722
You get ice cream
and a cookie.
22
00:00:57,792 --> 00:01:00,259
But it's
too much of both,
23
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:02,327
not enough of either.
It's...
24
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:03,528
Just get the Push-Up.
25
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,630
Ooh, that's--
that's a lot of work.
26
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,234
Ooh, I want the rose!
27
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,336
Too late.
I called it in my head.
28
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,873
[children cheering,
clapping]
29
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:20,144
For my next trick,
I will need a helper.
30
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:22,080
How about one of the daddies?
31
00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:23,147
You, sir.
32
00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:25,851
Me?
33
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,619
Will you help me out
on stage?
34
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,555
Hey, what are you doing?
We're not here to mingle.
35
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:32,657
I'm the helper daddy.
36
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:33,858
Step right up,
sir.
37
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:40,932
Now, which one
should I eat first?
38
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:42,634
Here, hold this.
I have to pay.
39
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,902
Oh.
That looks good.
40
00:01:44,971 --> 00:01:47,539
Hey! Hey! Help! Help!
41
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:50,142
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
42
00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:53,345
And what is your
name, sir?
43
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:54,346
Dick Solomon.
44
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:55,781
And you wash
behind your ears?
45
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:56,782
Yeah.
46
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:58,216
Then how would you
explain this?
47
00:01:58,285 --> 00:01:59,217
[children]
Yay!
48
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,385
Oh!
49
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,988
Can you
read that note?
50
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:06,124
"Happy Birthday, Emma."
51
00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:07,893
A big hand for Dick.
52
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,064
Oh, man, you were awesome!
53
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,299
Oh, thank you!
54
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:16,668
Dick! Somebody
stole my purse!
55
00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:19,137
Just now? You mean you
didn't see me up there?
56
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:20,872
Thanks a lot!
57
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,208
♪♪ [theme music]
58
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:03,315
Mary, this a composite
sketch of your assailant,
59
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:05,417
based on all
the eyewitness accounts.
60
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:07,285
Why is his head so big?
61
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:10,355
Why is he holding
a tennis racquet?
62
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:13,325
Well, the department
can't afford a full-time
sketch artist,
63
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:15,060
so we had
the caricature guy
64
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:17,295
from the birthday party
do it.
65
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:21,366
He also did a great one
of Don as a cowboy.
66
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,700
Yeah.
67
00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:23,902
Oh, I feel so vulnerable
68
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:26,104
knowing that hoodlum
is out there somewhere.
69
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:27,706
Oh, my poor
traumatized Mary.
70
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:30,742
Well, what about me?
71
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:33,411
I mean, you only had it
happen to you.
72
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:37,482
I had to stand there
and watch it happen to you.
73
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,385
I got to live with that
for the rest of my life.
74
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:43,020
[wailing]
75
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,993
Way to go, Albright.
76
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:50,562
Mary, if you're interested,
77
00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:53,198
I teach a self-defense
course down at the Y.
78
00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:54,399
Thanks, Don.
79
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,868
I just might
take you up on that.
80
00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:58,603
Should I
fill out a report?
81
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:00,105
Ah, what's the point?
82
00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:02,140
I mean, oh, uh, sure, yeah.
83
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:07,612
Thank you, Don.
84
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,181
Take good care of her,
will you?
85
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:14,185
Oh, Sally, today
was just amazing!
86
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,687
I know!
87
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,355
When I went up
onto that stage
88
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,024
in front
of that sea of faces,
89
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,292
it was
just exhilarating.
90
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,693
They
were all strangers,
91
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:24,329
and yet I felt
this wave of love
washing over me.
92
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:27,232
You kind of looked
like you were sweating.
93
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:31,069
I want to feel that feeling
again, and I will.
94
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,270
What are you gonna do,
95
00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:34,673
go around town volunteering
to help magicians?
96
00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:37,208
No. I will make
my own magic.
97
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,510
You don't know how.
98
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:41,846
Sally, every illusion has
a rational explanation.
99
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,382
When a magician pulls
a dove out of a hat,
100
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,118
the hat
has a secret pocket.
101
00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:47,352
The floating ball?
102
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,420
Attached to two
invisible strings.
103
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,389
The Chinese mystery box?
104
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,557
Mystery box.
105
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,427
Made in China.
106
00:04:57,498 --> 00:05:00,198
My God! How do you know
all this?
107
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,800
I'm a physicist.
108
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:04,336
I observe the mysterious
phenomena of the universe
109
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,637
and I explain them.
110
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:08,039
Plus, when we were waiting
for the cops to come,
111
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,775
I went through
the back of that guy's
station wagon.
112
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,310
Good one.
113
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:14,112
But you know, Dick,
114
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:18,784
every great magician needs
a glamorous assistant.
115
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,653
You know, I've
always thought you had
a natural presence.
116
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:24,055
Really? Oh, my God.
117
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:25,489
It's so funny you say that,
118
00:05:25,558 --> 00:05:27,158
'cause if I
hadn't gotten my degree
119
00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:28,426
in interstellar exploration,
120
00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:30,962
I definitely would have
done something in the arts.
121
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,898
Would you like to join me
in the mystical arts?
122
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,469
Mr. Siegfreid.
123
00:05:37,537 --> 00:05:38,970
Roy.
124
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,611
I'm really excited
about this class.
125
00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:48,580
I think learning self-defense
will come in handy.
126
00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:49,947
Indeed, Mary.
127
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:52,116
I am so tired
of going to the bars
128
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:56,021
and being groped by every
straight man in Rutherford.
129
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:59,858
All right, for all
the new people...
130
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,794
Thank you.
131
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,330
I'm Officer Don Orville.
132
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:08,099
Over the past 20 years,
I've studied self-defense
133
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:10,502
at some of the top
government agencies,
134
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:14,172
developing simple
yet effective
combat techniques.
135
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:15,673
Excuse me.
Yes.
136
00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:18,209
Does the small print
on your shirt
137
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:20,511
say "Federal
Bikini Inspector"?
138
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,682
Yes.
139
00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:26,050
But for the record,
140
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:29,220
this shirt was given to me
after Spring Break '81,
141
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:32,090
and I did earn it.
142
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,826
Harry, what are you
doing here?
143
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,228
Oh,
nothing, you know,
144
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:37,928
I'm just thinking
about maybe taking
this class.
145
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,531
Uh, this class
is for women only.
146
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:43,401
Oh, come on, Don.
I just don't want
to be afraid anymore.
147
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:45,369
I want the nightmares
to go away.
148
00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:48,373
Well, I--I suppose
you could observe.
149
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,309
I need somebody to wear
the padded suit.
150
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,144
I can't wear that!
151
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:54,579
You'll be perfectly safe.
152
00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:56,013
Oh, no, no, it's not that.
153
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,183
It's just it'll make me
look really heavy.
154
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,623
Next up, a couple
of first-timers
155
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:07,525
at Open Mike Night.
156
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,260
Do you believe in magic?
157
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:12,731
Let's ask The Amazing
Solomonellas.
158
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:18,703
I am Dick, and this is
my lovely assistant--
159
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,505
Sally. I'm Sally.
Hey, how you doing?
160
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:21,506
Sally.
161
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:23,475
Even though my tux is rented,
162
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:26,077
what you're about to witness
is very real.
163
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,078
Sally!
164
00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:31,916
I--I will now cut Sally
165
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,919
into two separate
but equal slices.
166
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:37,688
Uh, could we
get somebody
from the audience
167
00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:40,191
to come up
and inspect this box?
168
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,893
Uh, yeah, you.
169
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,561
No, stay. How's it
look from there?
170
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:44,695
Good? Good.
171
00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:48,300
Now--now that the box
172
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:50,935
has undergone
the strictest scrutiny,
173
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:54,739
Sally will recline
dangerously in the box.
174
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,007
Sally.
175
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:09,721
This trick is sure
to amaze and appall you.
176
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:13,658
Under no circumstances
should you try this at home.
177
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:19,497
Sally is now
securely in the box.
178
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:21,899
[shouting]
Can you hear me, Sally?
179
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,601
Yes.
180
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,404
Then we are ready...
181
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,040
to proceed.
182
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:34,312
These are two razor-sharp
tempered steel blades.
183
00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:35,480
[clang]
Ohh!
184
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:40,085
Are you ready, Sally?
185
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,652
Uh-huh.
186
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,054
Do you have any last words?
187
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,088
Uh-uh.
188
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,524
Then here we go.
189
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:47,993
Oh!
190
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,293
[faintly]
Ta-da!
191
00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,770
[loudly]
Ta-da!
192
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,140
[audience applauds]
193
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,410
[audience whoops]
194
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,515
Yeah!
195
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:13,218
Ta-da!
196
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:14,218
[applause]
197
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:19,290
Okay, we misdirect
and knee,
198
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,092
misdirect and knee,
199
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,360
misdirect and knee.
200
00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:24,395
Very good.
201
00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:27,065
Oh, good, good, good.
202
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:28,966
Harry, Harry. Now...
203
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:31,936
why don't you start
by approaching Judith?
204
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,204
Okay.
205
00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:38,343
Hey, Judith, it's good
to see you again.
206
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,544
No!
207
00:09:39,612 --> 00:09:40,545
Hey, calm down!
208
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,147
No! No! No!
209
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,683
Don! Judith's
totally freaking out!
210
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,951
No, no, no.
It's okay, Harry.
211
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,853
You've got the suit.
You can't be hurt.
212
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,488
Now just try
and help these women
213
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:51,723
bring out
their aggressive side.
214
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,458
What,
you mean piss them off?
215
00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:55,560
Oh, I can do that.
216
00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:58,095
Hyah!
217
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,598
Hit me!
218
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,500
With pleasure.
219
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:03,535
Uhh!
220
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,336
Ooh!
Is that all you got?
221
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:07,071
Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!
222
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:10,475
Oh, baby, so nice.
223
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:15,913
How about you, sweet mama?
224
00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,549
Uh, nah, I can't. I--
225
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,717
Come on, stumpy.
Show me what you got.
226
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:21,820
I--I--I--
227
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,188
Come on!
228
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:24,655
Harry, Harry, Harry.
229
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,024
That's
enough for today.
230
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:27,692
Yeah? Well,
I don't think it is.
231
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,027
Harry, watch it!
232
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:31,229
Now watch it.
233
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,530
The last person
you want to tangle with
234
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:33,932
is a self-defense
instructor.
235
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,533
Yeah? Well, come on,
sweet cakes.
236
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,368
Why don't you
inspect my bikini?
237
00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:39,070
That's it! That's it!
238
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,205
[shouting]
239
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,741
Aah! Ohh!
240
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:47,545
Hey! Help me!
241
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,551
God, Sally!
242
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,620
That was a love fest
out there!
243
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,188
They worshipped us.
244
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,389
Oh, ho ho ho. Worshipped--
245
00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,891
Hi, I'm Sy Spurndle,
the owner of this club.
246
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,595
That magic you did?
Magic.
247
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:04,962
Oh...
Oh, thanks.
248
00:11:05,031 --> 00:11:06,164
I'm gonna call you later.
249
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:07,831
I don't want to make
any promises,
250
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,767
but the way you scored
in the cabaret,
251
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:11,936
but you may be ready
for the big room.
252
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,271
Wow.
Amazing. Where's
the big room?
253
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:17,842
It's the cabaret.
We just add two more tables.
254
00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:20,210
See you around. We'll--
Thank you, Mr. Spurndle.
255
00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:21,545
Thank you, Mr. Spurndle.
Good-bye.
256
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,381
Sally.
257
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:27,952
Oh, Dick! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
258
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:10,194
[applause]
259
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,072
Applause, applause, applause,
260
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,641
applause, applause,
applause, applause.
261
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:27,045
Thank you, but the best
magic in the world
262
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:30,548
is the magic shared by two.
263
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:33,351
And I couldn't do
the magic I do
264
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,552
without you
265
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:35,719
and you.
266
00:12:35,788 --> 00:12:38,256
[in unison]
And now, adieu.
267
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:39,890
Applause, applause,
applause, applause--
268
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,559
All right, was it
better that time?
269
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:44,362
Did it equal
the stagecraft of Houdini?
270
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,030
It's as close
as we'll get today.
271
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,633
Ugh! Want to do it
again or what?
272
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:50,768
No, no.
273
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:53,404
Fine. I'm gonna
go feed the dove.
274
00:12:56,042 --> 00:12:58,209
Sy, a moment.
275
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:02,479
[Sally]
Hey, I think we should
put a frog in the act!
276
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,617
We already have
a frog in the act.
277
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,318
She's 6-foot tall.
278
00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:11,822
Sy, we have to talk.
279
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,791
Look,
this has been wonderful.
280
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:16,060
I must tell you,
I love what I do.
281
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,529
So does Rutherford.
282
00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:20,998
This keeps up,
I'll be able to buy
real smoke alarms.
283
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,067
But, Sy, let me
ask you something.
284
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:27,538
Does a real magician
need an assistant?
285
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,106
Honestly, no,
286
00:13:29,175 --> 00:13:31,909
especially a magician
as good as you.
287
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,978
But everybody likes
a little eye candy.
288
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,680
I suppose you're right.
289
00:13:35,749 --> 00:13:37,748
It's just so hard.
290
00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:40,018
I know, I know.
She's a piece of work.
291
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:43,020
Just remember, everyone
wants to see you.
292
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,188
You're the star.
293
00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:45,590
Thank you so much, Sy.
294
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,458
I knew you'd understand.
295
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:51,328
I'll go get the car,
darling.
296
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,730
Terrific, sweetie.
297
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:55,800
Sy, ya got a second?
298
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:57,635
For you, anytime.
299
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,870
Uh, was Dick just
talking about me?
300
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,205
No.
301
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,508
Well, I don't know
if you notice,
302
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:06,644
but, uh,
he exhausts me,
303
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:09,947
and I really feel
like it's hurting the act.
304
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,383
The act is fine.
You know why?
305
00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:13,718
Because of you.
306
00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:17,588
So you agree
he's deadwood, right?
307
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,023
Oh, totally.
Yeah.
308
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:21,392
This show
only has one star,
and that's you.
309
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:23,527
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Thank you.
310
00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:24,528
[Dick]
Sally!
311
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,563
What?
312
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:33,304
I'm gonna squash you
like a bug, Harry Solomon!
313
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:38,009
Die! Die! Die!
Dah! Dah! Dah!
314
00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:39,510
If I'm not mistaken,
315
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:43,247
I think I just released
my inner animal.
316
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:44,248
Thank you, Harry.
317
00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:45,549
Oh, well, it's my pleasure.
318
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:47,985
Wah!
Wah!
319
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,987
Mary, where
are you going?
320
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,421
I'm--I'm sorry, Don.
321
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:53,858
I'm just not cut out
for this class.
322
00:14:53,926 --> 00:14:55,860
My mother told me
that girls don't hit,
323
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:58,129
and I guess I never
got beyond that.
324
00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,630
All right, but no refunds.
325
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:00,798
No.
326
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:02,333
Hey, Albright,
327
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:03,801
isn't that
the same mother
328
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:06,004
that said
you'd always be fat?
329
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:07,972
Yes.
330
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:10,007
Yeah.
And didn't she also say
331
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,776
that you'd
always be a failure?
332
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,745
Yes.
333
00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:16,447
Uh-huh. And didn't she
also tell you
334
00:15:16,515 --> 00:15:17,781
that you'd never get married
335
00:15:17,851 --> 00:15:21,385
unless is was to a big fat
failure like yourself?
336
00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:25,055
You old bag!
337
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:26,257
Aah!
338
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:31,129
Come on now!
339
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,533
How's the house tonight?
340
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,170
Maybe you should look
through the curtain.
341
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:42,373
Garlic for lunch.
How considerate.
342
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:44,909
Well, I suppose
you skipped lunch
343
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:47,879
so you could
chew the scenery.
344
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,014
Showbiz lingo.
Did you find that
345
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,016
in your How to Perform On Stage book?
346
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,018
Because maybe you should
start with the chapter
347
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,353
entitled "How
to Perform On Stage."
348
00:15:56,422 --> 00:16:00,124
That's sweet. Maybe
you should start
with the chapter
349
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:02,126
entitled "Don't
Do Card Tricks
350
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:05,429
If They're Gonna
Reflect Off Your Big,
Sweaty Forehead."
351
00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:08,699
[Sy, on microphone] And now, ladies and gentlemen,
352
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,434
give it up for Dick and Sally,
353
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,170
The Solomonellas.
354
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:13,171
[applause]
355
00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:14,338
[sigh]
356
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,237
What the hell
was that all about?
You almost killed me.
357
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:21,972
Well, you cut off
my best line.
358
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,474
I was completely
upstaged.
359
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,743
Oh,
you jumped every cue.
360
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,745
And you're hogging
the spotlight again.
361
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,046
Oh, deal with it.
362
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:30,548
It's sabotage.
363
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,282
You're ruining the act.
364
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,886
I need artistic freedom.
365
00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:36,453
I am suffocating.
366
00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:40,558
Oh, please. You're nothing
more than decorative tinsel!
367
00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:42,359
Oh, really?
368
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,595
You know,
I get more applause
369
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:47,031
shaking rabbit pellets
out of that hat
370
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,866
than you get
for your whole act!
371
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:50,267
I am the show!
372
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,202
Oh, wake up.
I am the show.
373
00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:53,470
Oh,
you're just an amateur.
374
00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:54,471
Ham!
Diva!
375
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:55,640
Ham!
I hate you!
376
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:58,376
I hate you more!
377
00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:03,547
Oh, my God.
378
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:05,015
What's happening to us?
379
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:08,619
I don't know, but I don't
want to feel this way.
380
00:18:08,687 --> 00:18:11,389
Oh, God, neither do I.
381
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:12,623
Sally.
382
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:14,791
Dick.
383
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:15,860
Oh!
384
00:18:17,563 --> 00:18:19,863
Guys, you ready
for the next show?
385
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:22,433
No.
We're not going on.
386
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,268
But I got a crowd
out there.
387
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,269
Forget it.
388
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:26,837
We quit.
389
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:29,005
You're evil.
390
00:18:29,074 --> 00:18:30,208
What about the show?
391
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,209
Do it yourself.
392
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,477
Keep the props.
393
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:33,478
We're out of here.
394
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:34,678
Come on, Sally.
395
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,380
We're walking out this door,
396
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,315
eating our free meal
at the bar,
397
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:40,885
and turning our backs
on this hellhole of yours
398
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,853
forever!
399
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,565
Harry,
we've been out here
for two hours.
400
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:55,666
What are we doing?
401
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,067
I told you, Albright.
402
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,402
We're taking back the park.
403
00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,970
From whom?
404
00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:01,572
From him.
405
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,907
That's the guy who stole
Albright's purse.
406
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,076
Really?
407
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,577
I don't know, Mary.
408
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:07,745
He's not carrying
a tennis racket
409
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:10,248
and his head's
a normal size.
410
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:12,216
Oh, that's him all right!
411
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:13,517
Maybe you should
arrest him.
412
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:15,619
Who's the padded man here?
413
00:19:15,687 --> 00:19:16,654
You.
You are.
414
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,088
All right!
415
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,262
Well, hello!
416
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:28,733
Enjoying your latte
bought with
ill-gotten gains?
417
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:29,733
Huh?
418
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:32,102
Let me tell you something.
419
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,105
This park is for nice,
law-abiding citizens,
420
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,940
not low-life scum
like yourself.
421
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,375
You're going down!
422
00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:39,977
Who the hell are you?
423
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,879
My name is Harry,
424
00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:43,280
and these are my angels.
425
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:44,281
Now get him!
426
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,650
Go get him!
427
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,285
[Man]
Oof! Ow! Ow!
428
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:50,287
[bushes rustling, crash]
429
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,123
Uh, I'm pretty sure
that was him.
430
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,630
I just don't get it, Sally.
431
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,800
How could performing
for a room full
of total strangers
432
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,334
do that to us?
433
00:20:04,404 --> 00:20:06,804
The lights, the applause,
434
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,072
the roar of the crowd.
435
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,207
It's like a drug.
436
00:20:10,276 --> 00:20:12,309
Yeah, a drug that
we couldn't kick.
437
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:15,846
It turned us into
self-absorbed,
ego-driven monsters.
438
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:17,481
You know, I actually think
439
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,483
we should just leave
the performing
440
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:20,551
to the professionals.
441
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:21,819
Yeah.
442
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,153
It never happens to them.
443
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,322
[Sally]
No.
444
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:27,157
Would you guys show me
a magic trick?
445
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,659
Why, sure, Harry.
446
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,829
But first,
I think you've got a little
something in your eye.
447
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,731
Whoa.
448
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:34,731
That's weird.
449
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:39,336
Now let's see some magic.
450
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:42,339
Hey, what's that
over there?
451
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:43,340
Oh!
452
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,009
Ooh!
453
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,679
I wonder how long
that's been there.
454
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:50,014
Now let's see some magic.
455
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,349
Oh, by the way, Harry,
what time have you got?
456
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:53,350
[stutters]
457
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:58,189
Okay, I'm going to get
a vase for these,
458
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,524
and then I'd like
to see some magic.
459
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:11,735
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Service, Inc.
Burbank, CA
32698
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