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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,271 --> 00:00:06,304 Good morning. 2 00:00:06,306 --> 00:00:07,773 Nina, 3 00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:09,441 What are you Doing this weekend? 4 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,811 I don't know, I may have plans. Why? 5 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,146 Well, I have tickets 6 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,414 To the cherrywood manor Mystery weekend. 7 00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:17,682 You know, It's one of those 8 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:18,950 Interactive Theatrical experiences. 9 00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:20,452 Yes, I have plans. 10 00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,520 Oh, come on, nina. 11 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,522 It'll be fun. It's like a party. 12 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,490 The guests mingle With the actors 13 00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:27,793 While sipping merlot And eating hors d'oeuvres, 14 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,260 And then a murder Is staged, 15 00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:31,997 And we amateur sleuths Have to try and solve it. 16 00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:34,099 I'll go, If you can guarantee 17 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:35,367 I'll be the first one Murdered. 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:38,070 But the food's Really good. 19 00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:40,005 Are you talking About staley's, 20 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:42,407 Because their onion loaf Is to die for. 21 00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:44,076 No, I am talking about 22 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,244 The cherrywood Mystery weekend. 23 00:00:46,246 --> 00:00:47,980 The cherrywood Mystery weekend? 24 00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:49,214 You know, It's one of those 25 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:50,449 Old fashioned Whodunits 26 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,717 With food and wine? 27 00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:54,820 Oh, one of those. 28 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,454 Would your family Like to come? 29 00:00:56,456 --> 00:00:58,123 I hear they put On a great show. 30 00:00:58,125 --> 00:00:59,224 There's a show? 31 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,492 We all love A good show. 32 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:01,660 So you'll come? 33 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:02,894 Well, I don't know. 34 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,229 Everybody's Sort of busy. 35 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,131 I mean, if you Had told us earlier, 36 00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,733 Or if it were free-- 37 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,234 It's my treat. 38 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,935 All right, We're in! 39 00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,288 Now, let me Get this straight, 40 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:30,422 Colonel pinkham, 41 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,590 You stopped A charging rhino 42 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:33,859 With nothing more Than a stare, 43 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:34,860 And then actually 44 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:37,396 Wrestled it To it's death? 45 00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:39,865 That's exactly what I did. 46 00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:41,934 Let me Shake your hand. 47 00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:43,868 Ah. 48 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:45,570 Having fun, Sweetheart? 49 00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:46,972 Oh, I'm having A wonderful time. 50 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,807 Mary, I'd like you to Meet colonel pinkham. 51 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,075 He, he was just Telling me 52 00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:51,676 About his Last hunting trip. 53 00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:53,312 Oh, don't tell me, Let me guess. 54 00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:54,880 On the plains Of the serengeti? 55 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:59,484 Oh, you bagged yourself A smart one there, dick. 56 00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:00,619 Excuse me. 57 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,921 Oh, by the way, 58 00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:04,088 Good luck. 59 00:02:04,090 --> 00:02:05,590 Good luck To you, pinkham. 60 00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:13,698 You know, what a Remarkable character. 61 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,501 Oh, yeah, he's good. 62 00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:17,669 I saw him last year In man of la mancha 63 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,671 At theater on the pier. 64 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,807 A big game hunter And an actor? 65 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,142 My god. He's A renaissance man. 66 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,878 Did you see the size Of those prawns? 67 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:28,880 Thanks. 68 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:34,953 Yeah, I just Want one more. 69 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,055 So, uh, how long Before the show, dick? 70 00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:38,156 Oh, I hope it's not For a while. 71 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,324 I'm meeting the most Fascinating people, 72 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:40,559 Harry. 73 00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:44,396 Dick, what kind of a Weird-ass party is this? 74 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,730 Everyone I talk to, 75 00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:47,498 They want to tell me Their whole life story, 76 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,167 And then, they want To tell me 77 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,636 Secrets about The other guests. 78 00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:52,337 Yeah, yeah, And that guy, 79 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:55,206 Chip caswell, He keeps telling me 80 00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:56,207 About how much He hates 81 00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:58,109 This old dude With the young wife, 82 00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:01,913 And you know what? He wears makeup. 83 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,383 You know what Your problem is? 84 00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:07,319 For the first time, You find yourselves 85 00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,786 In a civilized Social situation 86 00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:10,155 Where you have To match wits 87 00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:11,823 With intellectuals And bon vivants, 88 00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:13,225 And you crumble. 89 00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:15,526 I, on the other Hand, flourish. 90 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,798 Another drink, Colonel? 91 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,500 Don't mind if I do. [laughs] 92 00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:23,835 [laughs] 93 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,745 Mary, you haven't Touched your 94 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,415 Twice-baked Cheddar chive potato. 95 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,050 Can I have it? 96 00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:14,052 I--I'm not feeling Too well. 97 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,754 Oh, you should talk To my friend here, 98 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,589 Jack wallencott. 99 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,758 He tells me he's in Excruciating pain, mary, 100 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,760 But he's not Going to give in until 101 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,595 He gets that damned will Of his sorted out, 102 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,796 Right, wallencott? 103 00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:26,298 Right. I only hope 104 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,834 Nothing happens To me before I do. 105 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:34,272 I feel queasy and bloated, And I'm all sweaty. 106 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,808 I've gotta Go lie down, excuse me. 107 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,444 Yeah, well, Uh, hurry back. 108 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,012 So, colonel pinkham, 109 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:43,114 Would you regale us With another story 110 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,983 Of man against beast? 111 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:49,654 Oh, well, I once shot An elephant in my pajamas. 112 00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:50,922 Ooh. 113 00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:52,523 Really? Mmm. 114 00:04:52,525 --> 00:04:55,793 How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know. 115 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,228 [laughing] 116 00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:00,298 Did you leave Your tent open? 117 00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:06,304 A tad more wine, Mrs. Wallencott? 118 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,706 Why, chip, I hope you're Not trying to get me drunk 119 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,741 So you can Take advantage of me. 120 00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:12,977 Certainly not, Mrs. Wallencott. 121 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:16,380 Mrs. Wallencott. 122 00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:18,416 You are having This conversation 123 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:20,885 Right in front Of your husband. 124 00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:25,623 What say we take it on down To the drawing room, 125 00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:28,626 And leave the pretty boy Behind with the cheese. 126 00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:36,668 Eames! 127 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,370 You've been my Butler for 20 years, 128 00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:40,405 You never Remember 129 00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:42,073 To keep my Wine glass full. 130 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:45,276 You see how she Bosses that guy around? 131 00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:47,812 Yeah, and he's The best dressed guy here. 132 00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:49,748 What a wuss. 133 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:54,553 Mmm. Pathetic. Hey, eames! More water, now! 134 00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:56,688 [speaking british] And uh, could you clear 135 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,456 This dirty plate, eames? 136 00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:00,258 Very well, sir. 137 00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,527 Very well, sir. 138 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,462 [glass tinkling] 139 00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:08,733 I would like To propose a toast. 140 00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:11,436 A toast To my new friends. 141 00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:12,637 All: hear, hear! 142 00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:13,838 Ooh! Good heavens! 143 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,840 Don't move. 144 00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:19,077 [screams] 145 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:21,646 He's been murdered! 146 00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:24,983 But by whom? 147 00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,721 A trio of sorbets 148 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:33,091 Will be served In the drawing room. 149 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:35,026 [all talk] 150 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:50,641 Does this mean The show's canceled? 151 00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,780 [laughing] 152 00:06:57,383 --> 00:06:59,184 Oh, this Is horrible. 153 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,384 A man has just Been murdered, 154 00:07:00,386 --> 00:07:02,153 And everyone is calmly Standing around 155 00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:03,221 Eating sorbet. 156 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,090 Obviously, These people 157 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,625 Have been completely Desensitized 158 00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:08,827 By all the Gratuitous violence 159 00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:11,896 They've seen on Television and movies... 160 00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:14,733 Especially The movies. 161 00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,133 So what are we Gonna do? 162 00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:17,702 We're gonna grab mary And get out of here. 163 00:07:17,704 --> 00:07:18,637 Come on. 164 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,574 Everybody stay exactly Where you are. 165 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,213 Good evening, Ladies and gentlemen, 166 00:07:29,215 --> 00:07:30,582 Please take your seats. 167 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:36,187 I am inspector macaffery From scotland yard. 168 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,590 He got here quick. 169 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:41,526 No one is to leave The premises. 170 00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:43,628 Until further Investigation, 171 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:46,598 Everyone is considered A suspect. 172 00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:49,834 Everyone? 173 00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:54,105 Sh-sh-surely you Don't mean everyone? 174 00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:55,807 Given the right Circumstances, 175 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,342 Anyone is capable Of murder. 176 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,811 But not everyone. 177 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,846 Yes, everyone. 178 00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:04,282 But not anyone. 179 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,318 Yes. 180 00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:13,157 [crying] 181 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,559 There, there, milly. 182 00:08:14,561 --> 00:08:15,694 Ooh. 183 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:17,929 Oh, I'm sorry. 184 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,397 Hey! Slow down there, Buddy. 185 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:20,899 I'm sorry. 186 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,136 What are you, Crazy? 187 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,971 That woman's husband Was just murdered, 188 00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:29,007 And you're trying To stick your tongue 189 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,375 Down her throat? 190 00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:32,210 Do you want to become The prime suspect? 191 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,012 Well, why would I be a suspect? 192 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,614 It's obvious that Hunter guy did it. 193 00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,382 How dare you! 194 00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:40,986 My dear friend Colonel pinkham is many things, 195 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,187 Longbow expert, marksman, 196 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:45,123 Knife and gun collector, Actor... 197 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:47,292 But he is no murderer. 198 00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:49,494 [mary retching] 199 00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:52,197 Oh, my poor mary. 200 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,531 Listen, Let's not spoil 201 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,467 Mary's "Whodunit" weekend 202 00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:57,035 With news of this Heinous murder. 203 00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:01,873 Dick... 204 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,842 You guys having fun? 205 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:04,942 All: oh, yeah. 206 00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:06,210 Darling, yes, 207 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,612 We only wish That you could 208 00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:09,680 Join in All the gaiety. 209 00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:10,915 How are You feeling? 210 00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,283 I feel awful. 211 00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,986 I've been throwing up For hours. 212 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,355 Did anyone else Eat the prawns? 213 00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:18,556 All: no. 214 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,291 It must Be food poisoning. 215 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:23,828 Oh, my god, mary! 216 00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,330 You've been poisoned! 217 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:26,664 Who has done this To you? 218 00:09:26,666 --> 00:09:29,200 Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? 219 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,206 [door slams closed] 220 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,274 Oh, my god. 221 00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:38,442 If they can Get to albright, 222 00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:39,677 Then none of us Is safe. 223 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:41,680 Uh! 224 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,785 Oh, sorry. I'm ok. 225 00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:47,719 Uh! 226 00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:08,105 So, inspector, Any breakthroughs? 227 00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:11,776 No, but the game's afoot, I dare say. 228 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,611 You know, I could Assist you in all this. 229 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:14,945 What if We collected 230 00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:16,614 Some bits of Physical evidence? 231 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:17,848 Uh-huh? 232 00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:20,285 You know, cigar butts, Lipstick stains, 233 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,352 A monogrammed lighter, 234 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,453 A monogrammed Handkerchief, 235 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,155 A monogrammed towel, A monogrammed shirt, 236 00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:27,858 Anything monogrammed Would be really good. 237 00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:31,028 Right, well, let's not Get overeager, hmm? 238 00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,630 Why don't you sit back 239 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,033 And take in the events As they unfold? 240 00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,802 But there's A murderer among us! 241 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:40,738 Yes, and he'll Be among us all weekend. 242 00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:43,675 Now, if you'll excuse me, I must phone scotland yard. 243 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,314 That inspector 244 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,115 Is appallingly Lackadaisical. 245 00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:52,116 Look, maybe I'd 246 00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:53,484 Better just Call don. 247 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,520 Yeah, we need some Rutherford blue on our side, 248 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,755 But until then-- And I know 249 00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:59,857 This might sound A bit unorthodox-- 250 00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:02,760 I think we need to do Some sleuthing on our own. 251 00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:03,861 Are you saying That we should 252 00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,563 Try to solve the Murder ourselves? 253 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:06,597 At a party? 254 00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:07,598 Exactly. 255 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,467 Someone may have Had the motive. 256 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,903 Someone may have had The opportunity. 257 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,272 My god, if they Had both! 258 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,341 I'd better go confer With my dear friend, 259 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:17,408 The colonel. 260 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:20,578 Ok, this might Sound crazy, right, 261 00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:22,413 But what If eames did it? 262 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:25,583 You think The butler did it? 263 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,319 Well, that's a little Far-fetched. 264 00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:29,554 Well, Think about it. 265 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,589 Who gave albright The poison prawns? 266 00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:34,024 Uh-oh... 267 00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:36,627 Tommy... 268 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:39,763 You haven't been Very nice to eames. 269 00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:42,934 No, you picked On him first. 270 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,669 I'm a teenager, I couldn't resist. 271 00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:46,638 Whatever. Look, Harry, come on. 272 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,239 Let's go find a Phone and call don. 273 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,416 Ah! 274 00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,851 Eames. Hi, man, How are you doing? 275 00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:03,721 Listen, you got A first name? 276 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,393 Eames. 277 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,595 You and me, eames, Uh, we're cool, right? 278 00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:13,231 No, sir. 279 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,702 Colonel pinkham, We need your help. 280 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,737 This inspector has some Agenda of his own 281 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,238 That I don't Understand. 282 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,239 I think-- 283 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,108 [gasps] 284 00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:25,109 Colonel? 285 00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:27,879 [gagging] Colonel? 286 00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,547 [screams] 287 00:12:30,684 --> 00:12:32,650 He's dead! 288 00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:33,917 My dear friend Colonel pinkham 289 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,286 Has been murdered! 290 00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,455 A selection Of domestic ports 291 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,324 Will be served In the foyer. 292 00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:48,933 That's it! 293 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:51,135 I'm not staying For the show. 294 00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:57,509 Inspector. 295 00:12:57,511 --> 00:12:58,876 Yeah? 296 00:12:58,878 --> 00:13:01,178 Oh, hello! 297 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:03,013 Just enjoying A little sustenance. 298 00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:05,450 This case is A particularly taxing one. 299 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,352 Another man Has been murdered. 300 00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:08,986 Already? 301 00:13:08,988 --> 00:13:11,756 Oh! Sorry. 302 00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:13,791 Sorry? Because Of your laxity, 303 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,893 A man is dead! 304 00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:16,961 Maybe that lazy 305 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,195 Pip-pip-cheerio Attitude 306 00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:19,864 Flies in foggy Old london town, 307 00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:21,599 But you're in ohio Now, guv'nah! 308 00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:27,438 Listen, I've done A thousand of these. 309 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,674 Calm down, sit back, Enjoy it. 310 00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:33,278 Enjoy it? That's it. 311 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,779 I'm taking over This investigation. 312 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:37,248 Give me That police blotter. 313 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,384 Casting call? 314 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:41,519 This is for actors. 315 00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:44,689 What do you Want from me? 316 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,591 I'll tell You something, Macaffery, 317 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,092 Maybe you Should try acting 318 00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:50,795 Because You're a damned Awful inspector! 319 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,205 Hello, mary. 320 00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,807 I brought you Some crackers. 321 00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:04,008 They're sealed, 322 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,176 So I think They're safe. 323 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,178 Thanks. 324 00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,181 I'm just so glad You're not... 325 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,483 Dead. 326 00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:15,820 That would be ironic, Wouldn't it? 327 00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:19,690 Mary, I haven't been Completely honest With you. 328 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:20,924 Something's Happened. 329 00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:24,895 2 people Have been murdered. 330 00:14:24,897 --> 00:14:26,231 Oh, no. 331 00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:30,401 You don't sound Very concerned, 332 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,637 I said, 2 people, murdered. 333 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:36,540 2 people, and I've been Up here, sick. 334 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,609 So you have. 335 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,945 It's been awful. 336 00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:42,113 You have been Up here 337 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:44,282 The whole time, Right? 338 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:47,352 When you have food poisoning, You can't move. 339 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:48,586 Everybody knows that. 340 00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:51,356 Yes, everybody Knows that. 341 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:58,729 What kind of crackers Are these? 342 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,330 Garlic And sour cream. 343 00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,501 Mary! 344 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,739 Ok, tommy, 345 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:09,740 I gotta Stay up here 346 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,075 And guard Albright's door. 347 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,677 You go downstairs And wait for don, 348 00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:15,913 And don't tell anyone What you're doing. 349 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,249 Ok, um, could you Take that candle 350 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:19,517 Away from your face? 351 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:22,320 It sort of makes you Look like a monster. 352 00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,888 Ooh! 353 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,757 All right, That's not funny. 354 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,758 Ok, I've got issues With eames, and-- 355 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,759 Come on, tommy. 356 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,094 You can Get through this. 357 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,262 We've been through Tougher things 358 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,396 Than this before. 359 00:15:32,398 --> 00:15:33,831 You're right. 360 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:34,832 Ok. We have. 361 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:35,833 Damn right, We have. 362 00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:36,834 Yeah! Ok! 363 00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:37,835 All right! [gunshot] 364 00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:38,936 Both: aah! 365 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,104 Hey, I'm sorry, 366 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:41,572 I thought that the trigger Was the safety. 367 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,607 Oh, god, don, Thank god you're here. 368 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:44,975 What's wrong? 369 00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:46,177 Unspeakable things Have been happening 370 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,311 In this house, don. 371 00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:49,047 Well, I'm sure It's nothing 372 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:50,982 This police officer Hasn't seen before, son. 373 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,683 This old guy In a wheelchair 374 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,051 Got a knife stuck In his back, 375 00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:57,154 And he croaked Right in front of us. 376 00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:59,890 I've never seen That before. 377 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,626 And then, Somebody put poison 378 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,760 In this safari guy's Drink, 379 00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:04,428 And he just fell dead, Right out of his chair. 380 00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:06,130 And he was, like... [screams] 381 00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:07,365 2 guys were killed? 382 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:10,134 I'd better get backup. You hang tight. 383 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,469 No, no, no. 384 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,705 Don't let anybody See you, baby. 385 00:16:13,707 --> 00:16:15,673 They could Kill you, too. 386 00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:16,673 Aw, jeez. 387 00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:18,809 Aah! 388 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:19,810 [grunting] 389 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:20,811 I just saw don. 390 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:21,812 He's going For backup. 391 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,813 Good. 392 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,114 Because I think I'm on the verge 393 00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:26,350 Of blowing this case Wide open. Follow me! 394 00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:33,891 Aha! Fingerprints On the mantle, 395 00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:37,562 But whose prints Could they be? 396 00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:41,432 Who was last seen Alone in this room? 397 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,835 [clock chimes] 398 00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:47,638 Alas, that concludes Tonight's chapter, 399 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,340 Ladies and gentlemen, Thank you. 400 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,375 Man: bravo! [all applaud] 401 00:16:51,377 --> 00:16:53,577 Inspector: Pleasant dreams. 402 00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,646 Not so fast! 403 00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:58,649 No one goes to sleep Just yet, inspector. 404 00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:01,752 Oh, for crying Out loud. 405 00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:06,157 Everybody sit their evil Little butts back down, now! 406 00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:07,691 Thanks. 407 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:08,759 Ladies and gentlemen, 408 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:10,928 Dr. Solomon is about To address you all. 409 00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:12,563 Please hold All comments 410 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,232 Until he has finished His summation. 411 00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,666 Thank you, harry. 412 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:19,804 These are the facts, As we know them. 413 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,039 During dinner, Jack wallencott 414 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:25,009 Dropped dead Into his potato, 415 00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,812 A hunting knife protruding From his back. 416 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,914 Hours later, my dear friend Colonel pinkham 417 00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,582 Was found Poisoned to death 418 00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,384 In his favorite Wingback chair. 419 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,286 Dick, Come to bed. 420 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:37,054 Quiet, mary, I'm summing up. 421 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,923 But it's only Friday. 422 00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:41,391 Shut it! 423 00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:43,293 Who is responsible? 424 00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:44,795 Ooh! Mrs. Wallencott. 425 00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,530 Oh, lord. 426 00:17:46,532 --> 00:17:48,665 Silence! 427 00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:51,535 One hour ago, I was rifling 428 00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:53,504 Through mrs. Runquist's Suitcase. 429 00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:56,340 How dare you go Through my things? 430 00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:58,876 How dare you own A leopard thong? 431 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,081 And while I was Contemplating that thong, 432 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:07,018 I wondered... 433 00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:10,021 Who is the person That we would least suspect 434 00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:11,922 Of poisoning the colonel? 435 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,191 Will you sit down? 436 00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:17,394 You're stealing my part. I get to do this. 437 00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:18,729 How many more people Have to die 438 00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:20,430 Because of your Incompetence? 439 00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:24,068 I do the summation After brunch, every sunday. 440 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:25,636 Read the damn brochure! 441 00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:26,937 No! 442 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,440 The least Likely suspect 443 00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:32,476 Is the person... 444 00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:35,012 Who, herself, Was poisoned, 445 00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,547 But poisoned Only to the extent 446 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:37,949 That she lay sick In her room, 447 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:39,116 Above suspicion, 448 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,384 Away from the crowd, The perfect dose. 449 00:18:40,386 --> 00:18:42,186 And who knows More about poisons 450 00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:44,856 Than An anthropologist? 451 00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:47,091 A toxicologist? Yes. 452 00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:50,627 But forget I just said that. 453 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:51,829 That leads nowhere. 454 00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:56,133 No! Mary albright Killed jack wallencott 455 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,969 And then in a fever Of vengefulness, 456 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,636 She killed My dear friend, 457 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,038 Colonel pinkham. 458 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,773 What the-- 459 00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,475 Yes, mary. 460 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:06,810 I could tell Immediately 461 00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,211 You were jealous. 462 00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,947 You never expected The colonel and me 463 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:11,515 To forge Such a bond... 464 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,585 And if you Couldn't have me, 465 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,553 No one else could. 466 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,857 You can't accuse Me of murder, 467 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,925 You can only accuse The actors. 468 00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:26,497 And which actors Would those be, mary? 469 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:29,333 If you had hips the size Of that blonde woman, 470 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,634 Would you be Wearing that skirt? 471 00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:31,669 Oh, darling, please. 472 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,836 I wouldn't even Leave the house. 473 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,405 Ooh. 474 00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:39,076 Colonel. You're alive. 475 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,745 And mr. Wallencott, You... 476 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:41,912 You can walk! 477 00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:46,717 Dick: wait a minute, 478 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:50,321 You only pretended to die. 479 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,690 None of this is real. 480 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,359 This is all a scam! 481 00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:56,994 No, wait... 482 00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,863 You're all actors. 483 00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,665 This is the show, right? 484 00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:11,142 Well, you were All marvelous. 485 00:20:11,144 --> 00:20:12,543 And you, sir, 486 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,378 Are the reason I want to leave acting, 487 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,747 And return To my first passion, 488 00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:17,882 Drink! 489 00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:24,655 Mary? 490 00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,056 I--I never Really believed 491 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,691 That you were The murderer, 492 00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:29,527 Especially Once I found out 493 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,028 That everybody here Was an actor, 494 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,263 That's when It really hit me. 495 00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:33,464 [bang] 496 00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:34,865 Hut, hut, Hut, hut, hut! 497 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,100 Freeze! Everybody down On the floor! 498 00:20:37,102 --> 00:20:38,435 Down on the floor! 499 00:20:38,437 --> 00:20:40,203 You! Show me The bodies! 500 00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:41,939 Now! Go, go, Go, go, go! 501 00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:45,275 Sally: don! Don! Hon. 502 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,414 Is this one of those Murder mystery things? 503 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,851 Well, yaah. 504 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,120 Rico, hold the gas! 505 00:20:57,122 --> 00:20:58,121 Aah! The gas! 506 00:20:58,123 --> 00:20:59,123 [all scream] 507 00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:01,425 [don screaming] 508 00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:09,299 I don't get it. 509 00:21:09,301 --> 00:21:12,169 For free, murder Is a horrible tragedy, 510 00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:13,804 But you charge 100 bucks for it, 511 00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:16,506 And suddenly, it's A sophisticated night out. 512 00:21:16,508 --> 00:21:17,641 But it's Inappropriate 513 00:21:17,643 --> 00:21:19,176 For kids. 514 00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:21,511 This world does need More entertainment 515 00:21:21,513 --> 00:21:23,147 That's acceptable For children. 516 00:21:23,149 --> 00:21:24,314 Something Where people 517 00:21:24,316 --> 00:21:25,482 Are nice To each other. 518 00:21:25,484 --> 00:21:26,817 Something Where people 519 00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:28,286 Can just love One another. 520 00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,287 They have that. 521 00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:30,487 It's called Pornography. 522 00:21:32,191 --> 00:21:33,523 Then that's what kids 523 00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:34,958 Should watch. 36829

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