All language subtitles for 3rd Rock from the Sun - S01E03 - Dicks First Birthday (1080p x265 EDGE2020)_track3_[eng]

( '50s rock music playing )

( sighs )
It's such
A beautiful night.

Harry, why don't you
Come out and look
At the stars with us?

Oh, no, you're
Not putting me out

For the night again.

Fool me once,
Shame on you.

Fool me six times,
Shame on me.

What are you
Babbling about now?

It's just something I learned
From this self-help tape

I bought at the yard sale
Down the block.

"Dr. Martin blaine's path
To personal transformation:
Say yes to you."

This is going to help me
Solve my confidence problem.

Why do you have
A confidence problem?
What, are you stupid?

Tommy, why aren't you
Looking at the stars?

I have too much
Studying to do, dick.

Your homework is taking up
Way too much of your time.

Tell me about it.
They've changed phys ed
To health class,

And I have to memorize
287 different body parts.

You have
An owner's manual?

Well, here's a picture
Of all the different organs
In our abdominal cavity.

- oh, my god!
- oh, my god!

You know,
I read someplace

That you can stretch
A man's nerve endings

From new york
To san francisco,

But he would die.

Look, here's
A section

On virginity
And abstinence.

I haven't experienced
Sex yet, so...

- I guess that
Makes me a virgin.
- congratulations.

Thanks. It feels
Kind of weird, you know.

I mean, I'm proud
Of it, but I'm also
A little embarrassed.

Is there anything
That men have

That they're both
Proud and ashamed of
At the same time?

- no.
- drawing a blank.

"Ezekiel begat jedidiah.
Jedidiah begat ephraim.

Ephraim begat lemuel."

Man, these people
Begat their brains out.

- good morning,
Dr. Solomon.
- yeah.

- when's your birthday?
- my what?

I'm updating
The office birthday list.
When's your birthday?

- do I have to tell you?
- what, are you pleading
The fifth?

The fifth sounds fine.
This month.

Ah, that's this monday.
How old will you be?

Why do I have to tell
You a specific number?
Are you keeping score?

If you're going to get
Sensitive, never mind.

I just don't see why
Age is so important.

I've guess you've
Got a milestone
Creeping up on you.

No. No, that's
My underwear.

- good morning.
- hello, dr. Albright.

Laurie, dr. Solomon.
Laurie ivers.

- hello.
- hello.

My, you have
A firm handshake.

- thanks.
- laurie's visiting
The campus for a few days.

You are in really
Excellent condition.

- thank you.
I work out a lot.
- I can tell.

It's very firm.

Laurie's studying
For her doctorate
In anthropology.

She's considering
Coming here to pendleton.

Well, you've chosen
A very mediocre
Institution,

- and we'd love to have you.
- ( albright laughs )

Thanks.

Would you shake
My hand again?

Um, I suppose.

( whimpers )

Nina, why don't
You take laurie

To the library to show
Her the inca exhibit?

Exhibit?
It's three coins
And a spoon.

Don't spoil it for her,
Just take her.

It was nice meeting you.

What a coincidence.
It was nice meeting you.

- will you act your age?
- what has my age
Have to do with it?

- like you didn't know.
- I don't know.

- well, I do.
- what are we talking about?

All I know is that
When I was laurie's age,

I did not appreciate
Having middle-aged men
Fawn over me.

You were once her age?

Yes, believe it or not.

Very well.
Not it is.

Now, you say mrs. Dubcek
Brought it to us?

Uh-huh.

What do you
Think it wants?

What is it trying
To tell us?

The thing that
Scares me the most

Are the little oranges
In its stomach.

Man:
hello, I'm
dr. Martin blaine.

come join me on a path
to personal transformation.

- say yes to you.
- yes.

first of all, you should
learn to be comfortable
talking about yourself.

when asked your name,
you should say it
loud and clear.

let's try this out.
what's your name?

that's a great name.

what is your
primary goal?

Harry solomon.

Tommy! Sally!
Harry, come in here.

( gasps )
What's that?

Don't worry.
We've killed it.

- sit down.
We have to talk.
- sally: what is it?

There's an important
Detail that we forgot
To attend to.

- we need birthdays.
- no, thank you.

This guy I saw
At a restaurant
Had a birthday.

They set his food on fire
And then blew on it.

Well, nevertheless,
We have to have them

And we have to know
How old we are.

For some reason,
We're expected to act our age,

And we don't
Even know what that is.

How are we supposed
To figure it out?

We're smart.
We'll guess.

How old would
You say I am?

I'm going to say 35.

- what's so funny?
- it just kind of
Sounds ridiculous.

- okay, 39.
- hello.

- come on.
- 40?

- honestly.
- 41, 2, 3, 4?

Uh... 5.

- yeah!
- 45, okay.

45's fine.
Body's broken in.
It's still solid.

Not too old
To have sex.

Uh, commander,
Permission to speak freely?

Permission granted.

- humans over 35
Cannot have sex.
- no!

Give it up.
It's over.

Well, why? They have
The same equipment.

'cause it's gross,
That's why.

- how old are you?
- 14.

- can you have sex?
- well, I'm not supposed to.

- why not?
- apparently, I have
My "Whole life ahead of me."

Dick, can I be 70?

- why?
- well, that paul
Newman guy is 70,

And people are always saying
That he looks great.

Done. You're 70.

- and?
- you look great.

Sally, how old
Are you?

Well...

Whatever the perfect
Age is, I'm it.

Maybe I got stuck
With being a woman, but
At least I'm in my prime.

- check out how firm
This is, huh?
- ( whistles )

You know, if I was a guy,
I'd be all over me
Right now.

If I was a guy,
I would be, too.

Now that you boys
Are going through
The road to manhood,

I'm sure many of you have
Noticed certain... Feelings.

- what is it, solomon?
- what kind of feelings?

- you know what kind
Of feelings.
- no, I don't.

You'll know 'em
When you get 'em, hmm?

Now,
They're perfectly normal.

For god's sake,
Don't act on 'em.

Sorry, you're losing me.

You play sports,
You focus on your schoolwork,

And when you take a shower,
You wash your hair and get
The hell out of there.

( gasps )
Oh, you're talking
About sex!

- yes.
- great! Great.

Tell me exactly
How it's done.

Well,

You're... Men.

And your male
And your female,

They have these...
Certain parts

That are, uh...
How do you call, uh...?

Complementary
To each other.

These parts
Come into play...

And that's how
We all were born.

I'm sorry, but
Can we get somebody

Who's actually had sex
To teach this class?

There.

Thanks for showing me
Around the campus today.

- you know, you are
Really a lot of fun.
- I know.

Laurie, I was
Having a discussion
With a young man last night,

And he said that someone
My age was too old to--

Well, just too old.

That is so typical
Of our culture.

You know, in many
Ancient societies,
Like the incas,

Age was worshiped
And revered.

That's all
I'm asking for.

Exactly when does
Puberty end for a man?

Six months after death.

Guys my age are always
Trying to prove something,

Not like older men.

They've been there.
They've done it.
It shows.

Like you. You've really
Got your head together.

Actually,
It came that way.

( giggles )

( both laughing )

Well, I'd better
Get moving.

You are moving.
Everything on this
Planet is moving.

- you are so clever.
- oh, no.

- well, bye, dr. Albright.
- bye.

- see ya.
- because you're
Still looking.

You can breathe now.

Hey, if you could change
One thing about me,

What would it be?

- nothing.
- bingo.

Doesn't get any better
Than this, huh?

Check this out.
See how this curves
In right here, right?

Watch this.
Upsy-daisy.

Springs back
Just like a cat.

Laurie says
That men my age

Should be worshiped
And revered, like the incas.

- don't you think
That's right?
- yes.

The incas would take
A prominent man,

Like you,

And they would
Anoint him with oils,
Adorn him with robes,

And then the high priest
Would cut him up

And then ram a stick
In his head

And parade the head
Through the village,

And the young virgins
Would throw flowers at him.

What kind of flowers?

It says here that
This is guaranteed

To restore
Your natural luster.

Oh, dick, you're getting
Your luster back.

That's wonderful.
How much longer?

Oh, two minutes.

Tv announcer:
welcome back to
"The miss universe pageant."

and now we continue
with our parade of nations.

miss finland.

Well, they only have
Contestants from earth.

I think this pageant
Is fixed.

These women
Should be enormous.

Miss universe should have
Her own gravitational pull.

I think I'm feeling it.

My primary goal is
To meet miss finland.

I will meet
Miss finland.

I deserve to meet
Miss finland.

Ooh! Check out the yabos
On miss tunisia.

I deserve those yabos.

These women,
They're all vibrant,

Healthy, strong, young.
They're just like sally.

You know, I've been
Thinking about this.

Every time I turn on the tv
Or open a magazine,

I see people like me.

All the ads
Are aimed at me.
I am what counts.

I think you're full
Of something, lieutenant.

No, no, no, no.
If I don't watch
A tv show, it's canceled.

I don't like
A soft drink, history.

If I don't like a certain
Feminine product with wings,

They'll make one
With a propeller.

I am the target
Demographic.

Face it, dick.
I'm young,

Hot and all-powerful.

You just said
Yes to you.

- ( timer dings )
- I'm done.

How do I look?

Um... Dick,

Um... Okay,
If somebody

Were helping you
With an experiment

And things went awry

And you became
Horribly disfigured,

- you wouldn't hold it
Against them, now would you?
- why? What happened?

Nothing. Destroy
All the mirrors now!

No, no!
I've got to see!

Oh, my god!

I'm gorgeous!

Good morning, nina.

Well!
Good morning.

I was going to ask
What you did this weekend,

But I think
It's painfully clear.

By the way,
Happy birthday.

Oh...

( groans )

Brace yourself.

Hello--
Oh, my god!

What's the matter?

Nothing.

- laurie called me
Last night.
- really?

- what did she say?
- ( squeaks )

- what was that?
- what?

( squeaks )

That-- that squeaking.

- I have no idea.
- ( squeaking )

( squeaking continues )

What did laurie say
When you talked to her?

She's decided to come
Here next year.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yes.

Um...

Could you walk over there
And get me that pencil?

But you have one
Right on your desk.

I know, but...

I need that one.

- okay.
- ( squeaking )

Thank you.

Oh, I got you
A birthday card.

Hmm. "Happy birthday.

You look like
A million dollars."

Oh!

"Old and wrinkled."

What kind of a cruel
Hoax is this?

It's a hallmark card.

A hallmark
Of degradation!

The first line
Lulled me into a false
Sense of security,

Then the second line
Ripped out my heart

And slapped me
Across the face with it,

- awakening me
To harsh reality.
- it's an old joke!

For an old fool!

Well, I want
No part of it.

I'm leaving, while I
Still have my dignity.

( squeaking )

Dr. Blaine:
congratulations,
you have completed

your path to personal
transformation.

- say yes to you.
- yes.

and never forget,
when the world
gets you down,

stay positive.

I'm almost completely
Sure that I will.

Damn! A wrinkle!

I've peaked!

The truth is,
Time measured in years

Would have
No significance at all

If a second-rate sun
Hadn't pulled this planet

Into the little suck party
We call gravity,

Causing everything on it
To wither... And die.

Thoughts on that? Bug?

It doesn't look
Dyed to me.

Let me simplify.

If a year is not a year
Anywhere but earth,

What does that make time
In the universe?

Leon, time is what?

Don't think, leon.
Just answer.
Time is what?

- take a shot. Go!
- time is relative?

My god, leon,
You're right!

My head hurts.

Leon, I have
A follow-up question.

- ( groans )
- ( class bell rings )

Sorry, time is up.
Oh, and by the way,

You're all
55 minutes older.

- dr. Solomon.
- laurie.

I couldn't leave
Without saying good-bye.

And I couldn't say good-bye
Without your leaving.

Oh, you changed your hair.

Finally,
Someone noticed.

Laurie, car's outside.

- I'll be right there.
- who's that?

That's doug.
He's my boyfriend.

I thought you
Only liked older men.

I do. He's 29.

Bye.

Dr. Solomon,
There you are.

Remember we were
Supposed to meet
In your office?

Forgive me.
My tired brain forgot,

While your youthful synapses
Stored the information

And retrieved them,
Ssst, like a flash.

Okay, I'll come back.

Leon, let me ask
You something.

Let's say that two people
Of different ages met

At a university.

One is older but dashing,
The other, youthful
And stimulating.

They obviously enjoy
Each other's company,

But the age difference
Keeps asserting itself.

Do you think that
That should make
A relationship impossible?

Dr. Solomon, are you
Coming on to me?

Oh! Never mind!

Oh, dick.

Your posture tells me
You've got the blues.

Let my positive energy

Spark you out
Of your doldrums
And into a happier--

- oh, go away.
- I will. And thanks
For listening.

Hello.

- how're you feeling?
- like a million dollars.

I thought I'd try this
Again. Oh, here.

"Happy birthday...

From dr. Albright."

You wrote this yourself.

Yes.

Thank you.
It's just lovely.

You're welcome.

Dr. Albright,

Have I been
A perfect ass?

Nobody's perfect.

Why do I have
To be this age?

You're focusing too much
On the container.

This body is not you.

- I know that.
- no, you don't.

- trust me, I do.
- no, I don't think you do.

- if you think--
- no-- shut up.

You're only on this earth
A short amount of time.

Well, that was the plan.
( sighs )

Listen, if we're
Over the hill,

We might as well
Enjoy the ride down.

Thank you
For saying "We."

( chuckles )
It just slipped out.

You know, the light
Of the moon is
So magical.

It shows me what you
Must have looked like

So many years ago.

That was...
Almost beautiful.

So, this is
Your favorite spot.

It's so...

Cheap.

I think gray hair makes
You look distinguished.

Thank you.
I think you would look
Distinguished with gray hair.

No, I don't think so.

Men look distinguished
With gray hair.

Women just look old.

When women get breasts,
They look sexy.

When men get breasts,
They look old.

Good point.

How old are you?

- how old are you?
- you first.

- no, you first.
- you.

- 42.
- me, too!

( theme music playing )