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1
00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:03,789
You're up early.
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,474
Well, it's a beautiful day,
shame to waste it sleeping.
3
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,154
-Must've got to bed early then.
-l guess.
4
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:11,390
Well, you know what they say.
5
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:16,236
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man
healthy, wealthy and can't get laid, huh?
6
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:18,639
Maybe l'm not trying.
7
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,837
Yeah. And look for me next month
on the cover of Maxim.
8
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,754
l'll have nothing on but the vacuum.
9
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,796
-Hey, you're up early.
-Yes, Alan, l'm up early.
10
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,475
l went to bed early and l slept alone.
Anything else you wanna know?
11
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,796
Was l this cranky
when l wasn't having sex?
12
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,595
No,
you were more of a sullen whiner.
13
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:44,190
-Okay, Huggy Bear, l gotta go.
-Oh, all right, Kandi, have a good day.
14
00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:46,635
Yo, Daisy Mae.
15
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,636
Just out of curiosity, when you
leave here, where is it you go?
16
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:54,952
To the gym. l have to take care
of my body because it's my instrument.
17
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,716
Mine too.
18
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,555
Three beers and a bratwurst
and my ass turns into a French horn.
19
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:07,075
Really? Whenever l have beer
and bratwurst l just fart a lot.
20
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:11,199
Okay. Okay, Kandi, well,
l'll see you tonight.
21
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,793
Bye, everybody.
22
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:13,949
Congratulations, Alan.
23
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,078
lt looks like you've officially
boinked her brains out.
24
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:20,835
Okay, so she's not
overly sophisticated.
25
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,549
Sophisticated? She's two marbles
rolling around in a tin can.
26
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:28,474
Hey, hey, she's got a great heart,
she's warm and loving.
27
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:32,155
-And she genuinely cares for me.
-l stand corrected.
28
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,072
One marble.
29
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,752
Look, buddy, l'm happy
you finally found an instrument to play. . .
30
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,354
. . .that isn't in your own pants.
31
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,996
But she's been spending
a lot of time here.
32
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,515
lf you're not careful,
she's gonna wanna move in.
33
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:48,548
Would that be so bad?
34
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,630
Hey, l don't have a lot of rules
around here. . .
35
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,633
. . .but nine of the top ten
are just different ways of saying:
36
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,030
''Women are not allowed
to live here. ''
37
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:58,872
They come and they go.
38
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:02,999
Often they do one of those multiple
times, but in the end they always go.
39
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,316
But why is that so important?
40
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,553
Alan, there's a natural balance
in this house, which must not be upset.
41
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,358
lt's like the Amazon rain forest.
42
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,476
You bring in one too many
spider monkeys. . .
43
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,676
. . .you're up to your ass in tree frogs.
44
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,474
Oh tree frogs.
That clears up everything.
45
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:21,393
Don't patronize me,
you hump-happy simpleton.
46
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,835
-You know what l'm saying.
-l do.
47
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,310
lf Kandi were to move in here,
it would be an environmental disaster. . .
48
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,232
-. . .of epic proportions.
-Exactly.
49
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,631
She's been living here
the past three weeks.
50
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,477
-What?
-Who's the simpleton now?
51
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,670
Kandi got evicted from her apartment
three weeks ago and she moved in here.
52
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,355
Oh, please, if a woman was living
in my own house for that long. . .
53
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:45,953
. . .l think l'd notice.
54
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,193
Oh, really? Really?
Well, let's try a little experiment.
55
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,635
What color is the couch
in the living room?
56
00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,875
-The couch?
-No peeking. What color is it?
57
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:02,031
Well, it's kind of a--
58
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,158
Beige-ish--
59
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:10,673
Tan.
60
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,111
-You sure?
-Yeah, l'm sure.
61
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,916
-Go look.
-Fine.
62
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,710
What the hell is that?
63
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,029
Your couch.
64
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,270
Jake spilled grape juice on it
last summer.
65
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:29,709
l had it reupholstered.
66
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,474
-Last summer?
-Yeah, it was gone almost a month.
67
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:35,279
Berta and l bet
on how long it would take you to notice.
68
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,034
l had 50 bucks on never.
69
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,794
All right, all right this is unacceptable.
70
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,350
This is my house and if furniture's
gonna get reupholstered or moved. . .
71
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,717
. . .or changed in any way whatsoever,
l demand to be consulted.
72
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,599
-Okay, from now on. l promise.
-Thank you.
73
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,389
l bought the damn thing.
74
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,439
Think l'd have a vote,
maybe show me a swatch.
75
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:06,234
Hey, wait a minute,
did somebody say Kandi's living here?
76
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,753
Boy, am l thirsty.
77
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,434
That's because you sweat so much
during sex.
78
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,270
l may not have the biggest boat
in the marina.
79
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,715
But nobody rows harder than me.
80
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,349
You have a boat?
81
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,715
-No, sweetie, what l meant was--
-Hey, hey, hey.
82
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,997
Some of us don't wanna hear
about your little dinghy.
83
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,793
-Oh, hi, Charlie.
-What're you doing here?
84
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,678
l was asking myself the same thing. . .
85
00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:01,355
. . .so l did a little research
and it turns out it's my house.
86
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,397
Yeah, but l thought
you were going out.
87
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,757
-l did go out. And then l came back.
-Alone?
88
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,559
No, Alan, l brought home
an invisible cocktail waitress.
89
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,712
She's doing me even as we speak.
90
00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,919
You're right. There's no way
you could've been that cranky.
91
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:20,873
You want some company, Charlie?
92
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,315
Alan can't have sex again
for at least 30 minutes.
93
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,989
That's a rough estimate.
94
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,390
Thanks, but l'd really rather be alone.
95
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:35,189
Okey-doke. Come on,
l think he wants to masturbate.
96
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,028
Not for at least 30 minutes.
97
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,916
Okay, l haven't sampled anything
from the other side of the buffet. . .
98
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,514
. . .since l traveled
with the Grateful Dead.
99
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,194
But golly Moses, she's a muffin.
100
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,238
lnteresting turn of events, huh?
101
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,150
Your brother hitting
one of your hand-me-downs.
102
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,949
And you couldn't get laid if you
painted your penis to look like money.
103
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,791
Don't think l haven't tried.
104
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,470
l'm reminded of the tale
of the tortoise and the hare.
105
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,631
lsn't there something
you could be doing?
106
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,835
Well, l could go rub some oil on her,
but l don't trust myself.
107
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,670
Berta, please don't take this
the wrong way. . .
108
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:30,879
. . .but it's been a long time for me
and you're starting to turn me on.
109
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:33,675
l'm out of here.
110
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,759
-Hi, Berta.
-Hey, baby.
111
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,754
-Hi, Charlie.
-Hi.
112
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:46,033
-Boy, this is weird, huh?
-ln so many ways.
113
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:47,992
But which one caught your attention?
114
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:50,750
Well, l've never slept
with brothers before.
115
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,717
l mean at different times.
116
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,997
And one can't help
but make comparisons.
117
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,158
No kidding.
118
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,756
So how big a difference
are we talking about?
119
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,275
lt's huge.
120
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,996
-Really?
-Oh, yeah.
121
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,628
With you, sex is kind of
like going on Space Mountain.
122
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,031
lt's a good ride,
but there's never any real danger.
123
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,200
With Alan, it's like being
in the back seat of a car. . .
124
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,477
. . .driven by a really smart kangaroo.
125
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:25,758
He may go up on the curb
a couple times, but he'll get you there.
126
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,032
Okay.
127
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,270
Thanks for clearing that up.
128
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,272
l'll get it.
129
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,436
There's a two hour wait
for Space Mountain.
130
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,519
-Hi, Mrs. Harper.
-Oh, dear lord.
131
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,432
Hey, Kandi,
l got Evil Dead 3 for Xbox.
132
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:47,999
Sweet.
133
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:51,072
Kandi, maybe you'd like to go
put some clothes on.
134
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,596
-Why?
-Yeah, she ain't hurting anybody.
135
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,917
l just don't think that outfit
is appropriate for Jake.
136
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:04,278
Oh, l agree.
He would look ridiculous in this.
137
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:06,468
Can you get Alan for me?
138
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,756
-He's not back from work yet.
-He's not?
139
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:12,629
-Then what are you doing here?
-l live here now. Didn't Alan tell you?
140
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,756
No, he did not.
141
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:17,878
-Charlie, l wanna talk to you.
-Good to know.
142
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,519
Charlie, get over here.
143
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,510
lt was nice seeing you, Mrs. Harper.
144
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,112
What in God's name
does she see in him?
145
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:33,229
Well, l don't have all the details,
Mrs. Harper.
146
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,630
But apparently
when he's not being emasculated. . .
147
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,598
. . .and demoralized on a daily basis,
he's quite the lover.
148
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,354
-What's that supposed to mean?
-You know what they say.
149
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,431
Your average man's
like a good field mule.
150
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,194
lf you don't beat him,
he'll keep plowing all day long.
151
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:50,109
-Nobody says that.
-You're hard to fool.
152
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,632
Look, l don't mean to be rude,
but l'm tired of talking to you.
153
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,470
Had an interesting chat
with your ex-wife.
154
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,949
Oh, can't we just have a nice dinner?
155
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:11,470
-l like her.
-Why?
156
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,033
Why?
157
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,316
Well, unlike most ex-wives
l've known. . .
158
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,392
. . .she's never tried to run me over
with her car.
159
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,634
Okay, new dinner conversation.
160
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,074
Jake, how was school?
161
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,391
l don't think this conversation'll
make you any happier, Dad.
162
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,599
-What now?
-We had a surprise test today.
163
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:37,311
-And?
-l was really surprised.
164
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,397
So, in other words,
you weren't prepared.
165
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:41,994
You can't prepare for a surprise, Dad.
166
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:44,838
New conversation?
167
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:48,357
Jake, what are we gonna do?
You've really fallen behind this year.
168
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,796
l know. l think it's a delayed reaction
to your divorce.
169
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,594
-Oh?
-Yeah.
170
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:58,594
lt took a while, but my teachers have
finally stopped feeling sorry for me.
171
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,389
You know, l'm a child of divorce too,
Jake.
172
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:04,120
Really? How old were you
when your parents split up?
173
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,748
-Twenty-two.
-But you're 22 now.
174
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,717
Twenty-two and a half.
175
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,440
Boy, what l'd give to be 22 again.
176
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,469
New subject?
177
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:19,713
No, no, no more conversation. Jake,
if you're finished, go do your homework.
178
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:20,995
l'm gonna need help.
179
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,879
-You don't need help, you need to focus.
-l'll help you.
180
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,712
Do you know anything
about geometry?
181
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:29,953
Well, l know it's what you say
when you turn into a tree.
182
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,918
Get it? Gee, l'm a tree.
183
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:35,309
Good one.
184
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,359
Thanks.
185
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:42,231
Boy, l hope when they get to Oz
the wizard has two brains to give out.
186
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,910
And speaking of out,
when's Kandi leaving?
187
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,430
-You don't have to worry.
-Because?
188
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,113
l have a plan.
189
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,596
Alan, if history has taught
us anything. . .
190
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,513
. . .it's that both those statements
cannot be true.
191
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,079
lt's very simple.
You give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
192
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,231
You teach him to fish,
he eats forever.
193
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:04,029
Okay, okay, in that example
is Kandi the man or the fish?
194
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,035
l found her a job.
195
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,875
She'll be able to afford her own place
and she won't depend on me anymore.
196
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,234
Where is she working?
197
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,071
-She's gonna be my receptionist.
-That's your plan?
198
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,279
Why it's brilliant.
199
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,150
What, what?
She's attractive, she's friendly. . .
200
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,834
. . .and she's more than capable
of answering the phones.
201
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,434
You hear the expression
''don't crap where you eat''?
202
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:31,388
Well, you, my friend, are dropping
plunkies all over the dessert cart.
203
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,310
-Okay, you have a better solution?
-No, no, no.
204
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,710
No, it's your girlfriend,
your office, your life.
205
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,871
Screw it up however you think best.
206
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,432
l'll get it. l'm expecting a call.
207
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,079
Hello?
208
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,109
Kandi, that's the TV remote.
209
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,311
Hello?
210
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,199
Hello?
211
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,033
Have you thought of teaching
a fish to answer your phones?
212
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,359
Hello?
213
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,472
-Staying in tonight?
-Yep.
214
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,232
-Giving up on the ladies, huh?
-Yep.
215
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,675
-Not even gonna try?
-Nope.
216
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,076
You know, l got a niece in the joint.
217
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,516
She doesn't look like much,
but she does get conjugal visits.
218
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:27,629
l don't think so.
219
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:31,236
Hold on, l might have a copy
of her mug shot. Here.
220
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,033
She looks a little wall-eyed. . .
221
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,795
. . .but that's because they had to
use a Taser to get her out of the shed.
222
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,478
-The shed?
-She was running a meth lab.
223
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,074
But you gotta admit,
she is nice and slender.
224
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,078
-Thanks, but pass.
-Think about it.
225
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,196
Visiting days
are Wednesdays and Fridays.
226
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,874
But if you decide to go,
be a sport, take her a pie.
227
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,470
-Right.
-Make it something chewy.
228
00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:00,349
The prison dentist set her up
with some real nice teeth.
229
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,439
Okay.
230
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,795
Now this isn't my lamp.
231
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,071
What happened to my lamp?
232
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,075
Unless this is my lamp.
233
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,712
Yeah, this is my lamp.
234
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,713
l bought this lamp to go
with my couch.
235
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,553
My tan couch.
236
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:40,628
Worst day of my life.
237
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,836
Yeah, well, it was no picnic
for me either.
238
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,753
-l don't know who you are anymore.
-You wanna know who l am?
239
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:49,515
l'm the idiot paying you $ 1 0 an hour to
miss phone calls. Nap in the bathroom.
240
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:51,477
Use my x-ray machine
on Mexican food.
241
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:54,473
Well, l wanted to know
what's inside a chimichanga.
242
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,949
lf you didn't know,
why'd you order it?
243
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,872
Because it's fun to say chimichanga.
244
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,790
Chimichanga. See?
245
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,077
So, how was work?
246
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,356
Horrible.
All he did was boss me around:
247
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:12,353
''Do this, do that, wake up. ''
248
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,635
Maybe that's because l'm your boss.
249
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,995
A stupid, stinky boss.
250
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,555
Anybody wanna know
about my problems?
251
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,991
lt was supposed
to be Sloppy Joes for lunch.
252
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,469
But instead they had fish sticks.
253
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,839
Well, it ruined my day.
254
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,150
No, no, no, l'll get it.
That's what l do.
255
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,675
That's all l'm good for.
256
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,718
Hello? Oh, fudge.
257
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:45,350
Picture an entire day of this.
258
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,632
With six lines.
259
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:50,835
Hello?
260
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,991
Oh, hi, Mrs. Harper.
261
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,674
Oh, great. Kandi, Kandi,
give me the phone, give me--
262
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,273
Back off buck-o.
263
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:01,629
Was your ex-husband
always such a control freak?
264
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,870
She says you were.
265
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:05,554
You know what he did today?
266
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,950
Kandi, you don't have
to get into that with her.
267
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,680
She says she wants to know.
268
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,474
Well, first of all at the office he tried
to make me call him Dr. Harper all day.
269
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,473
And when l forgot he yelled at me.
270
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:20,908
What?
271
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,071
Chiropractors aren't really doctors.
272
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,916
You liar.
273
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,076
l so get why you dumped him.
274
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,592
-Hey, Alan?
-What?
275
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,035
ls this a new lamp?
276
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:40,516
l would like that so much,
Mrs. Harper.
277
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:44,116
Okay, l will call you Judith.
Great, l'll see you there.
278
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:46,708
See her where?
279
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,235
We're going out for a drink
and a little girl talk.
280
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,992
Girl talk with my ex-wife?
281
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,789
Her name is Judith,
Mr. ''l'm not a doctor'' Harper.
282
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,113
Don't wait up.
283
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,078
You just crapped
where you used to eat.
284
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,118
-Hey.
-Hey.
285
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,510
-What are you doing up so late?
-What time is it?
286
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:18,229
lt's 3 a.m.
287
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,518
Oh, well then, l got my eight hours.
288
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,555
What are you doing,
waiting up for Kandi?
289
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,358
Oh, no, no, no. l couldn't sleep.
290
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,750
So l thought l'd read a little.
291
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:32,239
A furniture catalog?
292
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,754
l like furniture.
293
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:40,357
-Just looking at the pictures, huh?
-What are you getting at, Charlie?
294
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:41,839
l think you buy things.
295
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:47,310
l think you bought this lamp.
296
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,472
-That lamp was here when l moved in.
-Oh, really?
297
00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:54,428
Charlie, l'm afraid that this dry streak
is starting to affect your mind.
298
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,996
Maybe you're right.
299
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:02,833
Sure, this is my lamp.
l've had it for years.
300
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,151
-The table it's on is new.
-l knew it.
301
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,916
We don't wanna wake up
Mr. Alan Hitler.
302
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,230
No, no, Osama bin Alan.
303
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,237
-Busted.
-What the hell is going on here?
304
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,078
The hell what is going on here. . .
305
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:25,073
. . .is that l need an advance
on my ''amilony. ''
306
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,590
-Why?
-To pay Estefan, our limo driver.
307
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,193
You took a limo?
308
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,634
We couldn't find our cars. . .
309
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,759
. . .and we spent all our money
on JELL-O shots, and chimichangas.
310
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,279
All right, all right.
311
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,318
Kandi, you need to go to bed.
We have to get up early for work.
312
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,630
No, we don't. Because l quit.
313
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,910
Why don't we talk
about this in the morning?
314
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,474
All right, Judith,
here is you're ''amilony. ''
315
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,077
-Thank you.
-Go home.
316
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,434
And Kandi, go to bed.
317
00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,515
l do not wish to live with you
any furthermore.
318
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,359
-What?
-l have been invited. . .
319
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:03,432
. . .to stay with my good friend Judith.
320
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,676
Come on, l'll help you
pack your things.
321
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,434
Did you ever notice how much
he sweats during sex?
322
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,552
Well, good for you.
323
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,631
Good for me?
How is this good for me?
324
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,598
-You got Kandi out of the house.
-l didn't want Kandi out.
325
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,990
And l didn't want her
moving in with my ex-wife.
326
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,469
Oh, right.
327
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,755
Okay then, good for me.
328
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,750
-Harper?
-Here.
329
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,318
l'm gonna have to check your pie.
330
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:49,995
Rhubarb.
331
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,628
Oh, my girls like rhubarb.
332
00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:00,671
Okay, inmate 37059.
Down the hall, third door on the left.
333
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,037
There's a button by the bed.
Push it if she gets violent.
334
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,398
Thank you.
335
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:13,238
-lt won't open.
-Try it again.
336
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:20,235
Boy, you really are
having a dry streak, aren't you?
337
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,157
Oh, God.
338
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,589
l can't even get laid
in a women's prison.
339
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:39,236
-Hi, are you Alan?
-No, l'm his brother, Charlie.
340
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,391
Oh, well, l'm looking for Kandi.
341
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,153
She told me she was living here.
342
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:47,199
Actually, she moved.
lt's a very funny story.
343
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,635
-Are you a friend?
-l'm her mother.
344
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,837
Come on in and l'll see if l can find
a forwarding address.
345
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,114
Thank you.
346
00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,195
Chimichanga.
347
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,873
-Beautiful place.
-Thank you.
348
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,076
l see where Kandi
gets her good looks.
349
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:11,153
Thanks, unfortunately she gets
her brains from her moron father.
350
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:15,273
Oh, right, you're recently divorced.
Would you like a drink?
351
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,074
l would love one.
352
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:24,998
Great. Why don't you step out
on to the deck, and l'll be right there.
353
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,875
Good news,
it's raining out on my deck.
354
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,632
Say what?
355
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,711
The dry streak is over.
356
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:37,078
So, what am l supposed to do
with this pie?
357
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,151
Subtitles by
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358
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,311
[ENGLlSH]
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